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NOVEMBER 18th 2015
Volume XLX Issue X 50¢ THANK YOU KENNY LOGGINS
RUTGERS DECLARES DANGER-SPACES BY SAMSUNG LIFE COACH/EDITOR
P I S C ATAWAY — A m i d s t controversy at Yale University over several professors speaking out against groups of students who demand the campus be a safe-space for the various minorities at Yale, Rutgers University has decided to open up several “Danger-Spaces” to promote free speech and protect the constitutional rights of students. While safe-spaces are made to protect certain types of minorities from any uncomfortable, unwelcome, or unsafe discussion concerning sensitive topics, many oppose the existence of such places undermine free speech at academic institutions. Wednesday morning, President Barchi released an announcement that several popular locations at Rutgers University will promote free speech and be declared “Danger-Spaces.” They will serve to protect all forms of hatespeech, violent expression, and general douchebaggery. Over the past few months, Mettler
HEADS TOO BIG TO FAIL
QUICKIES
CENTERFOLD: Pasties never really cover
Charlie Sheen Tests Positive for HIV from Tiger Blood "FUCK YOU [SIC]!" The Danger Space Initiative used this banner to promote its preservation of bigotry, intolerence, and racial slurs among students in the University. Many students, especially pent-up social fraternities, have reacted very positively to the new Danger Spaces, scheduling many of their chapter meetings there.
Hall served as a trial for one of these Danger-Spaces and after the recent stabbing, President Barchi decided to move forward with opening more locations. “I’m very pleased with the results in Mettler Hall,” said President Barchi. “Not only do students feel comfortable expressing their hate verbally, but now they feel comfortable enough to express their hate
physically, too.” Danger-Spaces will also be opening at the following locations: Livingston – Beck Hall basement, Busch – Third floor of the Library of Science and Medicine, and Cook/Douglass – Dudley’s. Each Danger-Space specializes in a different form of expression. For example, the third floor of the LSM, currently Continued on Page 2
Mall Charges Fifty Dollars for Santathemed Lap Dance Red Solo Cup Preemptively Prints Bloody Jesus and Smiling Santa
Limited-Edition Monsanto Barbie Dolls Sell Out
BY PUALIE VALENTINE BONER ENTHUSIAST
ST. LOUIS, M.O.—Monsanto, notorious dictator of advertising on network television, has sold out of its limited edition Barbie doll. The Barbie, all named Carol now, has been a hit with children of executives at every major television network. This is all part of a campaign to brainwash the next generation of children to support seemly natural chemical companies. “We never predicted this kind of cross-brand success,” said corporate brand lead, Jessica Simmons. “We set out to advertise in an extremely manipulative way, and fostering allegiances by creating
COMPENSATING Since 1970
childhood memories with our brand logos and products really is a game-changer.” Collaboration between Mattel and Monsanto began once the major toy company renegotiated their contract for Polystyrene-co-acrylonitrile, a chemical used in the production of Barbie's plastic form. A letter obtained exclusively by The Medium points out some playful language. “Don’t you FUCKING DARE import those chemicals from those lo mein fucks. If you do, we will attack you and your families with chemical weapons that make Zyklon B look like a fart.” The product line is a set Continued on Page 2
the Medium
NEWS
“Frosted Flakes! They're dicklicious!”
ANDREW W. CANDY! WHERE ARE YOU?
Wednesday, November 18th 2015
themedium.news@gmail.com
DON'T CHEW ON ME
Police Shut Down Party City Congress to Convene to Vote on National Gum Rights Bill BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS MAKIN' BACON PANCAKES
"NO, THE WIGS DON'T GO THERE" South Plainfield Police Department had to break up this absolute banger of a party at the nation-wide chain. The aftermath of the party resulted in $35,000 worth of property damage and 50-lbs of confetti jammed collectively up the colons of thirteen partygoers.
DANGER-ZONES
...continued from front
known as the Silent Lounge, will continue to be silent and only allow violence such as shanking and water-boarding. To pay for these DangerSpaces, Rutgers University announces a partnership with the National Rifle Association. Each Danger-Space will come
equipped with a firearm closet, megaphones, blackface paint, and ready-made “_____ are Going to Hell” posters. Rutgers University hopes the implementation of these Danger-Spaces will enable the community to hate freely without the fear of progress for minorities.
THANKS FOR FINDING US IN OUR "WE'RE BROKE AS M.C. HAMMER, SO WE'RE ONLINE" ISSUE
THE REASON HE HAS SO MANY SECRET BABIES
WASHINGTON, D.C.— Congress will convene this Thursday to discuss and vote on a new bill concerning the pressing issue of gum control that has been the topic of heated debate in the nation for decades running. Leading up to the congressional debate, several politicians and community members alike voiced their opinions on policies of stricter gum-control legislation. Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) spoke out last Saturday during a rally with the Coalition to Stop Gum Violations in order to raise support for the gum control bill. “We need to take gum off the streets,” Boxer stated to
...continued from front
including three dolls. Factory Farmer Barbie comes with a lab coat, toxic chemicals, and her own miniature bottle set of RoundUp©. Corporate Liaison Barbie can seamlessly move between firing entire departments from newly integrated subliterary companies, to a sexy night out on the town. Lastly, an American Barbie, made to associate children minds with
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Matthew Fastiggi Fratypus
Continued on Personals
"IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING NOW, AMERICA WILL BLOW UP!" Sen. John McCain, left, presents the opposition to the 2015 Gum Control Law which would put greater regulations and give mandatory background checks to all those wanting to purchase gum. Sen. Barbara Boxer, right, asserts that the new law is absolutely necessary for the safetly of the nation.
MONSANTO
Editorial Staff Fall 2015
the crowd of 13,000 concerned citizens. “Gum violations have terrorized our schools, workplaces, and even our homes. It’s time that America catches up with the rest of the world and protects its people.” Reactionary statements from the Republican Party were released shortly thereafter, when former presidential candidate Senator John McCain (R-AZ) released this statement via his internet blog. “Our nation’s constitution clearly supports the American’s right to chew gum for well-regulated mastication. There are many responsible gum owners who put their used gum back into the wrapper, rather then sticking it under a desk.
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor Andrew Blustein Features Editor Aly Grindall
a blonde, blue eyed ideal made to simultaneously shame young girls while building a “perverse sense of corporate nationalism.” The set has received acclaim from many feminist organizations who are funded by Monsanto PACs. “I only want to give my daughter the most positive ideals for her to look up to,” says Janet Lee Harper, head of Women for Prosperity. “Plastic dolls are really going to make my daughter excited to be a Monsanto Woman!” Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Matthew Fastiggi Sifat Mahbub James Mullen Adam Romatowski William Field Orion Far Bernie
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to RUSA. But it's not like you're reading this. I mean, you didn't give us the money to print. So yeah, fuck yourself.
OPINIONS
Wednesday, November 18th 2015
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
the Medium
“Proofread your damn forums you motherfuckers!”
BEARS ARE FUNNY LOOKING; I DO NOT DO PUNS
WHAT IS THE TRUE MEANING OF THE 2nd AMENDMENT ? “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” With recent events leading to talks of Congress taking action on gun control legislation, many have come to the defense of United States Constitution’s 2nd Amendment. However, what if the Founding Fathers: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin among others never intended this American Right to be about guns? Have we as Americans gotten it wrong for over 200 years? We here at The Medium explore some possible ways “we done fucked up.”
The Right to Bare Arms
The Right to Bare Arms: Baby have you ever shaved your
The Right to Bear’s Arms
Have you ever been attacked by a goddamn bear? They
The Right to Bear Arms
Through the history of time, beings which have evolved
arms. Mmmmmm they are so smooth, so satisfying. Imagine getting
are vicious creatures. They will come into your backyard and start
to present day humans, have become very used to using their arms
all cuddly with your significant other and both of your smooth arm
destroying shit just for a little bit of food. And if they see you, well
for everyday activities. Just think of all the amazing things you can do
skin rubbing up against one another. And then think of those poor
hot shit you better get the fuck outta there, or they will attack and
with your arms and therefore your hands. You can pick up a bunch
bastards who have hairy arms. Ewwww get the fuck out my face.
eat every last bit of you. They will rip your arms and legs off crewing
of boxes and carry them to your car. You can open a box of spaghetti.
That’s what I tell people who have hairy arms. And women with
them down to the bone. They will suck out your intestines like
You can take a gun and shoot that god damn bear who is trying to get
hairy arms: we need to do something with them let me tell you. It’s is
sausage and pop your goddamn eyeballs just for fun. They are terrible
into your backyard to make a mess. God damn it I really hate bears.
always dark hair, but just imagine if it was blonde hair. Oh fuck, don’t
creatures and this is why the 2nd Amendment was created, to keep
But what else can you do with your arms? You can shove them up a
even get me started on these creatures. These beings of infinite horror.
bears in line. Bears need to understand that at any moment we will
midget and work them like a puppet. No, no, no that’s insensitive and
Oh are they ugly. So here in the United States, we respect, and fully
shoot them, and cut off their arms, leaving behind the rest of the body
I’m sorry. I’m insensitive because my mother cut my arms off when
encourage, anyone who wants or prefers to shave his or her arms:
for the other bears to see. We mean business here in the United States,
I was little. Therefore here in the United States, we continue to allow
because it’s hot.
and will not allow bears to take control.
arms to be born on children, even if they are cut off later in life.
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON COMMENTARY
The Universe is Gigantic, And So is My Penis BY NEIL deGRASSE TYSON The Universe. It may be infinite. Going on forever across multiple galaxies, possibly beyond different dimensions. Well I don’t know how to tell you this but, my penis is also quite large. Now am I saying it is as big as the universe? Well, yes, yes I am. Now let’s think about this for second: we do not know exactly how big the universe is. And since we do not know how big it is, and therefore we do not know how big we are, it is possible my penis is the size of the universe. What do you mean that makes no sense? It makes total sense. My penis is crazy big, like whoa, I even surprise myself sometimes. It’s thick, meaty; scrumptious, just like the universe. What do you mean THAT makes no sense? Listen to me I run a planetarium in New York City and I don’t get my ass kicked everyday. It’s all because I have a big penis and I discovered the universe. People respect a guy like that. It’s not easy to discover the universe. Do you think it was easy convincing people about other possible galaxies when we can’t see them? No! And people only believed me because of my gigantic cock. I plow through pussy like no other scientist let me tell you. Ha Ha Ha, no I’m serious I kinda have a really big dick. Have you heard of the multiverse theory? Well it means there are a bunch of alternative universes, and that means there are more of my penis. Technically I’m fucking the shit out of a black hole. Ahh I’m just an amazing man.
#GETINVOLVED
Being Korean and Christian at Rutgers
BY SARAH KIM Usually when people reach out to the newspapers about Rutgers, it’s about something bad or inconvenient, but this is not at all about that. Instead, I really just want to let you know that Rutgers has provided me, someone with a Korean-Christian background, ample opportunities to feel involved with both my culture and to connect to God. While most of those not in this rather specific category of students would not know of this, Rutgers offers not just one student organization for KoreanChristians, but three very, very different clubs to enable me to always fit in. I can nearly attend services and meetings every single day of the week if we include Saturday and Sunday masses! So you might be wondering, what makes all these groups so different and why do we need these all, well let me explain. Firstly, we have the the Korean Catholic Circle (KCC) .Obviously, this sticks out as a specifically Catholic-based teaching of Christianity. From its about section, it says that it is all about bringing the love of God within the Korean Culture. Like hello, that’s all about me! Now say you’re not really about the Catholic lifestyle and want a more general Christian experience. Well don’t worry about it because the Korean Christian Fellowship (KCF) is here for you! Based on its quick overview, the purpose of this club is also to love the Lord! Seriously, can’t go wrong here either! But hold up, maybe you’re not really feeling either of these and want a really exciting student organization. For you guys, we still have one more opportunity here at Rutgers and it’s called the Korean Campus Crusade for Christ (KCCC)! You might think it’s also about the love of the Lord, but they don’t mention love at all! I guess that’s what you get when you join a Crusade, and that sounds epic to me! But don’t worry, it’s still directed towards us Koreans so you’ll still fit just right in. Now you know about all the Korean-Christian groups that are listed with Rutgers University. Who would ever have thought that there is something Rutgers doesn’t screw us over with. Though now I think about it, they don’t seem too different from each other, but that just means I get triple the Korean-Christian experience. And of course if that’s not enough for me, there are a multitude of other clubs that fit at least one of the sides of my background so I can always find new people to help me explore myself and my heritage.
PAGE XXX
the Medium
Wednesday, November 18th 2015
“This was definitely the weirdest experience of my life.”
From left to right: Stoya, Julia Ann, Alexis Texas. Julia Ann thinks about her man cheating on her while she masturbates. “My guy wants to fuck every pussy. She doesn’t even have to have a face,” she said while every guy whose wife didn’t know they came to Exxxotica got a boner. Also Stoya is kind of a bitch.
Fuck yeah.
K i n k y Kabaret: Deepthroat your vegetables. From left to right: Allie Haze, Asa Akira Allie Haze can put her entire fist in her mouth. Hot. When asked what she would replace her vagina with, Asa Akira said, “Getting rid of my vagina would be worth it, and I’d still have my asshole.” She loves getting it in the butt. Reverse cowgirl DP is her favorite position.
$54 dollar giant butt plug. Good luck ladies. And guys too I guess.
Phoenix Marie sucked Eli M a n n i n g ’s dick so good the Giants almost beat the Patriots.
Wednesday, November 18th 2015
PAGE XXXI
“A lot of men were there without their wives permission.”
the Medium
PORN STARS LOVE THE MEDIUM!!!! Top: Joanna Angel, Rutgers Graduate Bottom: Allie Haze...again. She’s hot. Top: Lexi Belle, Bottom: Ron Fucking Jeremy
This legend of a man wears crocs. Oh my fucking god, he wears crocs!
This girl was having the ride of her life. Too bad she’ll never be famous.
Evan Stone is the man. What’s your favorite position: “Chief executive officer.” Why get in porn: “I was date raping for years and decided why not pay them.” What a great guy. Lexi Belle: “I can’t deepthroat unless I’m drunk.” That’s unfortunate. But she isn’t squeamish of the cumshot anymore.
the Medium Love Connection
PERSONALS
As an Indian guy into East Asians, people from Nagaland are like my savior now. I swear, look them up, they look yellow as hell, but my parents will approve since they are technically Indian. (Or you could, you know, date an actual Indian. Unless...are you a self-hating Indian?)
This is all sad Fuck Yale Students.
(I tried to once, but when I told him I went to Rutgers he laughed at me and left :/) I have an erecton. TON. (I’m not sure how I should respond to this. But uh, good for you?) Can I put in an ad asking for someone to buy me alcohol? I hate being 20. (You are a student at Rutgers. Literally all you have to do is go to one of the dozens of homeless people on College Ave and ask them to buy you alcohol. Just hope they don’t try to murder you first.)
Endorse my grade grubbing skills on LinkedIn so I know it’s real. No.
Incredible Knockout continued from Sports
mattered at all was Ronda’s defeat. So I’m not sure what you’re getting at.” It should come as no surprise that after such an astounding result, the giants of the sport are more or less at a loss for words.
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“Pissed that I missed Exxxotica. Maybe next year Ron Jeremy.”
Fine Educators
So I think I just caught My professor literally my girlfriend cheating just told us he cried while on me...Why am I turned grading our homework. on? (Because you are a freak. (He’s a professor at RutAlso what do you mean gers. What did he expect?) you “think” you caught her I hate my accounting cheating? Are you that big teacher. He is a terrible of an idiot?) person. I heard your lead editor is (He either touched you inpretty hot. Do you know apprproriately, or he gave if he has a girlfriend? ;) you a bad grade. I suspect (I’m actually not sure but both.) you should ask his boyfriend.)
Wednesday, November 18th, 2015
Cartographers I work as a server and the other night a lady at one of my tables told me how she dropped her wallet in the toilet. Later I picked up the checkbook and noticed my tip money was wet... (Reason number 253 to not be a server.)
My boyfriend’s parents think I’m a slut because they found a powerpoint I made about all the boys I’ve fucked. Help.
I asked my teacher to give me back 1 point on an exam I got a 92 on. I (I can’t help you. But I need help. think you’ll be fine unless (Nah, you’re just thirsty for his parents find the sex tape that A. No judgement here. I’m almost positive you Unless you offered to fuck have. Congrats on your your teacher for the point. fuck list btw.) But even then there is no Dear Personals Editor, judgment here.) my girlfriend says she’s I wish I was a good enough fine with me flirting with person to be a tutor but I other people, but I don’t honestly couldn’t give two trust her. I mean, how fucks about other people can she be fine with me giving pencils during and their academics.) class? That just seems Romance like it’ll eventually lead What is edible under- to something bad. wear and edible arrangemts teamed up to make the best Vday present ever?
(Damn it, now that you put it out there, it’s gonna happen. Now Valentine’s Day is going to be even more annoying this year. Thanks a fucking bunch.) Why does asparagus make your pee smell? (It’s because of some science-y reason that apparently both of us are too lazy to google.)
Gum Rights continued from News
(The reason she’s fine with it is probably because she knows that no one else wants you besides her. She just wants you to find that out on your own.)
Fashion Trends WHY DO PEOPLE STILL WEAR FEDORAS? (WHY ARE YOU YELLING, THOSE POOR PEOPLE ARE JUST TRYING TO BE STYLISH AND LOOK SNAZZY.) Also what is up with those puffy sweater vests?! People look like marshmallows.
Here’s a little gray box.
HEY ALL. You know the drill. Come to our meeting on Wednesday in room 439 of the RSC. Sometimes we have boobs here.
Wet Blanket
In Motion
The trees have become skeletons, barely able to stand against the bitter winter winds. The trees are the prisoners in North Korean concentration camps. The bitter winter is Kim Jong Il’s reign.
The amount of butter I put in my popcorn is proportional to how much I hate myself at that moment. (Your solution is simple. If you stop putting butter in your popcorn you will automatically stop hating yourself. That’s how it works right?)
(Way to be the asshole who sends in the depressing shit. )
Those Band Geeks It’s easy to tell which of your Rutgers colleagues are in the marching band: are they holding an instrument case and screaming about Doctor Who?
My roommate told me to get hand soap two weeks ago and I haven’t because I hadn’t left campus because Fallout 4.
(Please get the hand soap. And a life.)
To the driver who cut me off, I hope you have explosive diarrhea. You know what they say: (Diarrhea is honestly the two wrongs don’t make best thing to wish on somea right, but two hundred one who has wronged you. Good for you.) fucking nerds make a marching band. (My mom asked me to send (Hm maybe. But I’d take her a copy of this page to the band nerds over crimi- read. Part of me is flattered. nal football players any day Most of me is nervous and admits that I will not be though.) sending her shit.)
Our laws shouldn’t pun- (Yes but they are toasty marshmallows and you are ish law-abiding citizens just a hater.) for a few bad eggs.” Unsurprisingly, 2016 presidential candidate Donald Trump threw in It’s like Google. But with boobs. his two cents as well. HAHA GET IT? “All these dirty gum are coming from Mexico and South America,” Trump said, completely unprompted during a campaign speech in Alabama. “We gotta build a wall, a big wall, and then they can go ahead and stick their dirty gum on their side of the wall. We gotta build a wall.”
Wednesday, November 18th, 2015 themedium.features@gmail.com
F/ARTS
the Medium
“SPONSORED BY YOUR MOM’S DICK”
YOU WERE BORN THIS WAY
13 Best Places On Campus You Used To Be Able To Get Your Dick Sucked By Some Fucking Faggot BY DONT PUT MY NAME ON THIS
Before all this damn “political correctness” and “fucking Liberals,” a straight man could go to certain places on campus and get his nut busted no questions asked. When this school was a predominately white man school back in the day, it was the best way to keep cool and not too stressed. It was casual, you were at the urinal, some guy would come next to you, you nut in his fucking faggot face, and then you would go back to class. Now all these spots are all fucking boarded up or blocked off. So here is an Ode to the best places you used to be able to get your dick sucked on campus. 13: QUADS: The scum of the earth would be on Livingston back in the day and any bathroom you would walk into you’d get your nut busted by a faggot. 12: New Gibbions: They have that great Living Learning community for LGBTQIAs, but we just used to call it “Fag Town.” Just had to stand outside and you’d nut 10 minutes later. 11: Student Activities Center, 1st floor bathroom: This was the place to get a more leisurely blow. if you had 30 min to kill you could go there and spend your time quite wisely. 10: Lucy Stone Hall: All of the bathrooms. It is almost impossible to get into the building, let alone a bathroom, but once you did find it, damn, you were into some good ejaculation. 9: Right in front of William the Silent: …He wont tell… 8: Scott Hall Lecture Hall Bathroom This was the place when you wanted to be utterly disgusting. This was only for absolute pieces of scum. Shit stained toilets, piss all over the floor, the mouth of the faggots with herpes on their lips. It was real grunge.
DICK OF THE PAGE: “DICKSTER’S LABORATORY”
7: Douglass Campus Center Bathroom next to the utility closet on the bottom floor. Hard to find initially, but this nut busting spot is a real Easter egg. Stalls that go all the way to the floor in the stalls. Just enough space between the urinals and the sink for a faggot to look at your cock, or privacy if you want it. There was really good balance there way back when. 6: Ruth Adams Building: This was the home of the notorious Brooklyn Ass Pounder. He sucked dick nightly in the second floor bathroom. He was a loyal man, and a great blow. 5: College Ave Student Center Basement bathroom: Right behind the Red Lion was (and still is) the best designed bathroom to get yo dick sucked. So, you have two urinal bowls with no barriers so you can pee in the open, let some faggot see everything he has to work with. Then you had a huge glory hole right at the stall next to urinals. So you had options, it was really considerate. 4: Art History Building on Cook Bathroom: Now this is where all the real faggots were. They were amazing. You walk downstairs into the bathroom and you see these urinals that were so close to each other. To get your dick sucked, all you had to do was splash the guy pissing next to you. Now the urinals are blocked by fucking barriers. No one can watch me pee anymore. >:( 3: Alexander Library floor 3B Bathroom. This hole in the wall was a real hole in the wall. It was always a pretty occupied bathroom. 2: Loree Hall Bathroom: This was a perfect one because the two stalls made it possible for you to be in one, while your dick was being sucked in the other. It could be a really busy day, lots of people in the lecture hall, and you’d be able to nut in privacy. 1: Records Hall: It used to be the shit. The barrier between the sinks and the urinal always made it hotter to not know who was coming into the bathroom, and the glory hole in that stall was always occupied.
BLOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Where Is The Blue Food? No color of food is quite as rare as that of blue. It’s not in a stew Or in vegan BBQ.
BY CAILLOU
It’s quite a shame since blue is the best color of them all. Purple makes me bawl and red just sucks balls. Any juice of a fruit, or syrup from a tree or milk from a tit, Would be better blue, I admit. (Mhmmm, blue milky tits.) And imagine at night How splendid it’d be
sitting on your throne. You groan and moan; out pops a turd, blue in tone But I guess that it’s for the best blue food is unlawful since it would be awful if all food were like blue waffles.
november 18th, 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com THIS RESULT OVERSHADOWS THE REST OF THE FIGHTS
INCREDIBLE KNOCKOUT AT UFC 193 AMAZES ENTIRE FIGHTING WORLD
BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON BAD AT SCIENCE
MELBOURNE-All eyes were glued to the fight of the night at UFC 193 in Melbourne. The highly-anticipated event featured incredible bouts in which the stars of the sport flashed some of their expected grandeur. But one fight in particular captivated an international audience and ended with a fearsome knockout that nobody saw coming from an unlikely new celebrity in the sport, American fighter James Moontasri. “I think you have the wrong person,” Moontasri insisted to reporters. “I really think the person you’re looking for is Holly Holm, who knocked out Ronda Rousey. I knocked out some dude no one has ever heard of.” Moontasri’s humble nature is exactly one that can flourish in the UFC world, which is
to the head, yet you cucks are the ones that seem brain dead. Nobody cares about our fight at all; the amazing result of Holly Holm knocking out Ronda Rousey with surprising ease is the giant upset you should be clamoring to report on.” “Hey!” Holly Holm called out to a media group. “Are you looking for me? I can take questions over here.” UFC president Dana White put the epic clash in perspective the morning after the fight at his press conference. "FIGHT OF THE CENTURY" “Umm. I don’t mean to James Moontasri celebrates after his shocking knockout in the first diminish the value to the UFC round of his bout. The fight was clearly the most highly-anticipated of the of James and Anton as fighters; evening and delivered one of the biggest upsets in the sport's history I think they’re excellent at what currently dominated by boastful, reporters when they asked how they do,” White announced to hot-headed bigshots at every it felt to be knocked out in the the press. “But it’s very clear that the knockout in that fight weight class. The opponent he biggest fight in recent memory. knocked out, Australian Anton “Are you idiots serious?” was not the most notable of the Zafir, is a perfect example. he yelled. “I’m the one who got night. In fact, for the casual fan, The now 7-2 fighter barked at knocked out by a spinning kick I’d argue the only result that Continued on Personals
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: RUTGERS vs. ARMY
-Remark to each Army player that dickheads like Dr. Ben Carson also got "a full scholarship" to their institution
-Remind Rutgers that they're only 5 point favorites over a team with wins against only Bucknell and Eastern Michigan
-Create a new bowl game called "The Rutgers is Below .500 Bowl" so the sting of missing a bowl this year is mitigated before the game
-Don't donate to the Fire Kyle Flood GoFundMe and start "Make America Great Again" chants to distract from the "Fire Flood" chants
-Continue playing a quarterback that looks overwhelmed every single week
-Steal the Rutgers cannon and deploy it as needed during the game
-Continue calling plays that make your offense look overwhelmed every single week
-Sue BestBuy. You have no reason to do this, but they were late with getting me Fallout 4 which I fucking preordered. I'd appreciate if you could help me
Rantland, A Medium Exclusive: Bombs Should Not Stop Sports
BY KNOWLEDGEABLE SPORT FAN
Several people in the sporting world were upset that the soccer match between Germany and France continued while audible explosions and rumors of an attack started reaching those at the stadium. While the safety concerns cited by critics of this decision are valid, they would not have justified stopping this game that didn’t actually count for anything. International friendlies are hugely important. They offer the chance for soccer fans to swell with pride over the play of their country. Is the threat of violent death at a large stadium with a capacity crowd that makes it a perfect bombing target really able to overshadow a good old fashioned scrimmage between soccer teams? I certainly think not. And I’m grateful that whoever was in charge of the ongoing game last Friday felt the same way as I did. I don’t disagree that what
happened in Paris Friday was downright tragic and difficult to comprehend. But I imagine that prematurely stopping this glorified practice between two teams kicking a checkered sphere around a field would have done nothing but augment the horrors of Friday and create a tragedy of its own. Sports transcend real life sometimes. By keeping the fans and everyone involved with the teams in peril, a clear message was sent to wouldbe terrorists: we are not going to stop doing what we love just because it makes us astoundingly vulnerable to your deadly attacks. If we had stopped the match, we would have been succumbing to fear. We would have let them win. But we didn't. And while it would be unfair for me to speak for the thousands of fans and their families that must have been freaking out during the attacks, I bet they'd agree that this was a huge victory.
mediocre at the absolute best SINCE 1869