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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue X
November 20th, 2013
THE WATER BOYS
U. FOOTBALL TEAM ACCUSES CINCINNATI OF BULLYING
BY DR. TOSSED SALAD PERSONALS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY, NJ – Another bullying scandal has been reported after the Rutgers Football Team’s loss to Cincinnati. Members of the offense, defense, and even special teams reported to Head Coach Kyle Flood after the game that the Bearcats had been being “mean” to them all game and had made them feel bad about themselves. “To do that to these poor boys' self-esteem is just horrible and wrong, we do not stand for this at Rutgers and you can be sure we will act,” stated Athlet"IF I WANT TO CALL YOU A BITCH, I'LL CALL YOU A BITCH" ic Director Julie Hermann after The Scarlet Knights tell Kyle Flood about how the Cincinnati Bearcats the embarrassing loss. Reports sacked them and stole their lunch money. surfaced after the game that the Cincinnati players had been call- ed saying that they were all cried wide receiver Kareem Anderson. “They said we had no ing the players on offense “little “their bitches” this week. “They made us feel re- balls…like *sniff* sorry I have pussies” while the defense and special teams was getting taunt- ally insecure about ourselves,” Continued on Page 2
SHOOT, I'LL EAT IT
Abortion Stand-off at Cook Farm BY ANIME HAIR STAFF WRITER
COOK CAMPUS – The prochoice/pro-life debate has taken an explosive turn this week on Rutgers’ very own Cook/ Douglass campus. Cook Farm workers were surprised to notice that one of their milking cows, Betsy, was very evidently pregnant. They announced that while it was certainly a surprise –there are currently no bulls on the farm- they would be happy to welcome the new calf this spring. However, many students spoke out in an uproar as the Douglass Female Animal Representatives announced that they would henceforth be the voice of poor Betsy. DFAR in particular were not so sure that Betsy even wanted the calf in the first place, and wants to present the “alternate option” of abortion for the pregnant bovine. “We are unsure of the events surrounding the conception and gestation of the calf,” said representative Lucy Vanjay, “and want to offer her a choice.” She further went
50¢ QUICKIES
Old men confused by four hundred dollar VCR "PS4" Rutgers Marching Band Sees Actual Women at Victoria's Secret Show North Tower Freshman Cries Out for Attention Math Department Fears Professor's Accents Arent Thick Enough New French St. Grease Truck Sells Crepey food Eagleton Institute Creates Next Wave of Asshole Politicians Pay-per-view Today: Officer Kenneth Cop vs. DeanMuffin Lord for The Fakest Name
"THIS IS UDDER BULL" The Douglass Female Animal Representatives herd together in order to ensure Betsy's freedom of choice.
on to highlight the strain that pregnancy puts on the body and the socioeconomic problems Betsy may face. It is reported by DFAR that the other cows have isolated Betsy and have taken to softly mooing “slut” under their breath if the expecting mother draws near. Cook Farm’s response to
DFAR’s complaints have simply been, “Are you s#$%ing me?” The abortion organization has nevertheless demanded that some sort of test be give to be “absolutely sure.” They suggesting putting a stuffed baby calf and a coat hanger in front of the cow, and carefully observing which one she decides to chew on.
Bringing Our Truth To You SInce 1970
Bob Ross Memorial Park to Include Some Happy Little Trees "I just want to go to jail already!" says George Zimmerman Overweight Frosh Still at Large Senior Can't Pass Dance Appreciation; Can Recite Entirety of SpongeBob Episode
the Medium
NEWS
Wednesday, November 20th, 2013
“Would someone close the window in the media room?"
HADOKEN!
iGOTCANCER
Study Finds that Phones Basketball Players Miss Mike Rice (Kinda) Cause Breast Cancer BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – The players of the Rutgers Men’s Basketball team reported that they somewhat miss their abusive former coach Mike Rice after he was removed during last year's tumultuous offseason. Rice’s removal came as a relief to President Barchi, who survived the new Rutgers tradition of being in the national spotlight for the completely wrong reasons. Despite being the brunt of Rice’s harassments, many of the basketball players felt as if they had someone ripped away from them that they were starting to learn to love. “Did it suck sometimes to be called a '^%&*ing useless &%$er piece of &^#ing sh**?' Well sure, sometimes it did. But what says 'I care about you' from a grown man more than genuine disgust and completely
conditional love?” questioned star guard Myles Mack. “Coach Rice was tough on us, sure. But he taught me that I had to earn the right to not be considered a piece of garbage. That's a lesson I can pass onto my kids one day, and I'm forever grateful.” Jerome Seagears suggested a more logical approach to missing Rice. “We practiced extremely efficiently during the Mike Rice era. Do you know how much harder everyone practices when there's a constant threat of a fully pumped basketball being gunned at your nuts? Coach Jordan is nice I guess, but he can't expect me to learn to hit that three-pointer next time if I don't get a black eye for missing it.” Rice declined to do a group interview with his former players, saying he'd “rather @$$ f**k a porcupine than f***ing talk to those worthless @#! *^$# *^%$&&%$# %@#%5$#ers.
Please, send news articles to
themedium.news@gmail.com.
Our meetings are Wednesdays
at 8pm in the Bcc, rm 120b. BY SQUIRTS MACINTOSH
STAFF WRITER
BOOBTOWN, USA – Reports came in from Rutgers Health Services this week that many female students have come down with unfortunate cases of breast cancer. Spokesperson Shawna Harnsley, of RHS, explained that the source of the outbreak. “It seems that there is a trend amongst young girls of storing their cell phones in the cups of their brassieres. Phones give off small amounts of radiation and long-time exposure can cause cancer.” Harnsley went on to encourage the use of large black purses and free tote bags to carry phones. “According to MSRC’s original report, girls these days
Editorial Staff Fall 2013
should be wearing bras that fit. Before [the lead researcher] had kids, there wasn’t enough room for her ‘ta-tas’, let alone a modern phone.” The reports were based upon findings by the Mom Science Research Center. They claimed that phone radiation can fry your brain as well. For this reason, they endorse using speakerphone and not keeping the device so close to your ear. MSRC has been lauded for all sorts of groundbreaking conclusions. Back in 2007, they published the following report: “Get that laptop off your lap, son. I want grandkids.” It’s best to just do as they say so as to not get the cancers. For more health information, go to their website and watch their YouTube videos.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Stewart Hallman Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Rob the Sun God
CRY BABIES
...continued from front
to be alone,” finished Anderson before he went away crying. When The Medium looked for other players to interview, we saw that all of the other players were in the same fragile emotional state. “We gave our best effort, like that is what my mommy always said I should do, if we gave our best effort we're winners anyway,” expressed quarterback Gary Nova after the game. When we informed him that he was in fact wrong, and that losing the game meant he was a loser, he began crying too. The coaching staff voiced their displeasure after the game with the players as well. Kyle Flood was overheard saying,
News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Leif Tornberg Opinions Editor Eli Youssef Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editors Adam Romatowski Justin Lesko
“If you don’t want to be called a pussy then don’t play like a bunch of pussies, fuck all of you stop your bitching.” When Hermann was told about this outburst by Flood, she said that she had already talked with him, and just said that he was having a bad day and she doesn’t think any of the players heard him. When asked about what Hermann said to him in their “secret meeting” Flood replied saying, “That bitch, oh sorry can I say that, anyway no meeting ever took place and I have no idea what you’re talking about.” The university expects to look into these heinous bullying incidents in an ongoing investigation, with more reports expecting to come out Friday after a loss to UCF. Back Page Editor Sasha Romayev Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Lesly Kurian Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Fat Cockblocker
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the NJPIRG. I hope that Rutgers will be forever purged of you assholes.
Wednesday, November 20th, 2013
FEATURES
the Medium
“Mike Dille- why you no here?”
POEM OF TRUTH
Birthdays on Facebook HIPSTER J(ACKASS) ASSHOLE
Birthdays on Facebooks are useful, so that I can easily find people I don’t care about and unfriend them without the need to scroll down my freakishly huge friends list.
MATCHMAKER
Asian Matchmaker BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN I HAVE ANOTHER PEN NAME ;)
Match the Asian child to his parents. Hint: Look for similar facial features.
Little by little everyday. Deleting everyone who are in my way. Happy Birthday. Microwave.
LIST
Worst Places To Shit BY LEAFY GREENS FEATURES MASTER
1. The SERC 2. Scott Hall 3. The ARC 4. Lucy Stone 5. Loree Hall 6. DCC 7. Busch Student Center 8. Hickman Hall 9. Hill Center 10. Pretty much everywhere at Rutgers
CANADA, EH
Canadian Horror Story BY LEAFY GREENS FEATURES BLASTER
Frank heard banging on the door. “This is the middle of Newfoundland, who could that be, eh?” He inquired to his two friends that he had invited over to a nice dinner of fish. He opened the door to see six people that had skin falling from their face. “Had a good game of hockey, eh?” Wayne inquired. “Come inside for some Newfy hospitality!” Frank said. Then, one of the people lunged at Frank and bit into his arm. He cried, “Hey all we do is fish here, I can’t do that with a bite wound!” The next one ran for Wayne, who opened his arms to accept a hug. The person then bit into Wayne’s neck, killing him. Ryan, who had been watching this play out from the kitchen, ran to get his hockey equipment from upstairs, because he never misses out on a good hockey fight. When he came back down, the six people were tearing apart and eating Frank and Wayne. “Hey you fuckers must be from Quebec!” Ryan yelled, while charging at them, his stick at the ready. He began hitting them and apologizing at the same time. Once his stick broke, Ryan began punching them. He backed away to survey the damage, but none of the zombies were dead because the stick was too flimsy. “I knew I should have bought a new stick,” he cried as the zombies tore into him.
What Dining Hall Is This From? BY MAYOR FORD CONTRIBUTOR
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UGLY THING OF WEEK
CUTE THING OF WEEK
the Medium
OP/ED
Wednesday, November 20th, 2013
“Raticate sucks.”
I LOVE CRACK AND BITCHES, BITCHES
TIGHT END TO WIDE RECEIVER
I’m Gonna Fucking Kill Whoever Ruined Me BY ROB FORD
FUCK EVERYTHING. found in the alley beI was one of the best fuck- hind the bar. As everyone ing mayors this side of knows, crack is the best the fucking world. Who way to sober up after getthe fuck cares if I smoked ting crazy drunk. I’ve been crack? This city’s been the using it as a hangover treatment for years best it’s ever been and nobody under my ju“Nobody ever complained. risdiction and then they find got hurt smoking But suddenly someone sees out I smoked crack.” me smoking some fucking with black crack and now people and “oh no, I’m a they’re all up in arms over it. Nobody ever got hurt fucking menace to society. smoking crack. I didn’t I’m unfit to run the city. even want to do it. Don’t Boo-fuckin’-hoo” That’s fucking racist. you get random urges when I can hang out with whoyou’re cripplingly drunk? You can’t say you’ve never ever I fucking want, and if wanted to just snort, like, you think that hanging out ten tons of coke through a with black people is wrong hundred dollar bill with well then you’re a fucking some random fuckers you close-minded whore. What kind of fucked up world is
this? It’s fucking shit, eh. I trusted those bastards, God damn it. They said we were cool. I explicitly remember that they said they would never tell anyone. Those cocky cocks. I’m going to fucking kill them all. Each and every one of them, with my bare hands. Yeah, they’ll fucking regret the day they crossed me. If I’m fucking going down, I’m going to make sure those assholes will go down with me. I’m gonna make sure nothing is fucking left. Just raze the god damn earth. They’ll never fucking forget the name “Robert Ford,” I’ll make fucking sure of it. ... Hey, you, what the fuck are you doing over there? Are you typing what I’ve been saying? YOU FUCKING BASTARD, I’LL KILL YOU IF YOU PRINT THIS. RUN, BITCH, RUN. AHAHA.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I can’t wait to wear my favorite winter jacket. BY DOM RINALDI
I love it when this time of year rolls around. The holidays are coming up, the basement parties aren’t as warm, and whenever I see snowflakes falling outside I feel like a shark in a sushi bar. My mom got me this dope Northface snowboarding jacket last year for Christmas and I can’t wait to go home and grab it. I could only really wear it in January and a little of February last year but it was great. All the snow bunnies on the mountain were digging it. They’d compliment me and I’d be like “Why don’t you come back to my cabin and you can see how it looks on the floor?” I swear one night I almost finger-banged a girl right on the slopes in it. Yeah whatever I put on a few pounds but it’s bulking season. It was a little tight last year but the girls like it tight and I like the girls tight.
Stay The Fuck Away From Me FatAss. I’m Not a Sausage Casing. BY A NORTHFACE Freshman fifteen? You mean freshman fifty. Do not even try to squeeze into me this year. You were already about to bust my zipper last year and now you look like a softball team’s catcher. You think drinking twelve Natty Ice’s a night and eating buffalo chicken pizza every other day is helping you out? My stitches are busting just thinking about it. Go to the gym fat-ass. There’s five of them at this school and you decide to play FIFA all day instead? How about you go play actual soccer dumbass. Please give me to the poor. At this point I’d rather be on some homeless man barely hitting a hundred pounds.
Legalize Weed and Child Porn
BY JEREMY SANDUSKEMY The fight to legalize marijuana and child pornography in the United States has seen much success in recent years. The fact is, we are living in a very critical age. The time to legalize weed and child porn has come! Scientific studies show that using marijuana and watching child porn do not have the negative effects they were once thought to have. In fact, casually smoking cannabis and jacking off to naked children are shown to be safer than drinking alcohol and reading Playboy. Opponents of the movement claim that marijuana and child porn are gateways to harder types of pedophilia and drugs. This is all propaganda. THC and whacking it to kids fucking each other in the ass have been shown to repress the physiological need that other drugs and porn such as meth and 2girls1cup create. Of course, cannabis and child porn will be taxed by the government and released in purified doses, similar to the provisions for medicinal marijuana and teen porn already in place. Eventually we may put drug cartels and 4chan. org out of business.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What do you think of the construction on Skelly Field and the plan to make it a parking lot? “Why does Rutgers keeping changing things that are so important to its history?” Nicole Yi, SEBS Freshman
“Yeah I mean, Skelly Field used to be cool, but that was a while ago, now it’s just full of wannabes I guess.” Thomas Chalupa, “Not-A-Hipster” Arts Major
Wednesday, November 20th, 2013
ARTS
the Medium
“I take offense to ‘fag hag.’ I’m a lady.”
HIJACKER - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
HOBOS - JUST THE TIP, NEWS EDITOR Response to NJPIRG
Yes No
Get the hell away from me REAL SHIT MY STUDENTS SAY- PROF XXX Miss, I’m bad at English because I’m African
What.
Yup. My parents teached me African.
CLICHES: SATURDAY NIGHT
SHET YO MOUT.
Oh yeah? Say som--
That’s African for “be quiet”!
Submit: themedium.arts@gmail.com Come to our meeting: today, 8PM, BCC 120B Buy me a drink: whenever you want.
PERSONALS
the Medium HATE MAIL
Wednesday, November 20th , 2013
“What chu twerkin wit?”
PART 4
stan, the lx driver, was fucking annoying. glad he finally left. now shut the fuck up.
Here’s what might be the last chapter in the saga: Dear Bird Girl, Your carrier pigeon has arrived, please reply - cnj cl stp. (Ooooooh scandalous. Send Sincerely, Bird Boy. in your hate mail and maybe I’ll give you this person’s (Will this romance ever name, address and social se- amount to something? Will curity number.) people have sex around or with birds? I sure hope so. For the record, “cnj cl stp” THIS SHIT means “cum near jaw, clit To the Targum, cut it out lick, sex on top of pigeon.”) with your stupid “LOL we’re so wacky!!” ediHEHEHE tions. We already have one humor paper. Save Whoever the fuck lives in that shit for April 1st, not the apartment above me: Veteran’s day. You need to learn to shut (Yeah, they suck. I mean at the fuck up. Your laugh least make a funny story is like a fucking hyena about Veterinarian’s Day or and echos throughout the floor. You are so unPTSD.) believably annoying and disruptive that you deDATING ADVICE serve to be shot but only after you are skewered I need help getting game, and roasted alive. I sinhelp me out please cerely hope that you contract a godawful virus (You’ve come to the right that prevents you from place. Its simple: dick pics, ever speaking again so dick pics, dick pics. Of that I, and the remainder course be a gentleman and of your apartment, can meet her dad first. That’s never hear your hideous, when you ask him if you high-pitched, squeekcan send his little princess ing laugh again. There grainy pictures of your is a special place in hell member late at night.) for people like you and I truly believe that you BIG BLUE BALLS belong there. Go burn in hell you scumbag piece Fuck the Giants and their of shit. stupid ass goombah fans. They win a few games (Well that escalated quickly. in a row against back Haters gonna hate.) up QB’s that probably couldn’t start in the SEC I name all of Pokemon right now and the fans after racial slurs. I’ve act like its the second caught a lot of Pokemon coming of Bill Parcells. so you would think I’m Fuck you Giants fans and running out of slurs but Eli’s twenty-third chroI’m not. mosome.
JETS SIGN FREDERICK DOUGLASS
TITS
SOMETHING OF THE WEEK
These sick mofos best get their asses out of here and into the health center, i ain’t got time to get sick.
This week we look to the Pacific Northwest for our something of the week. That’s right I’m talking about your boy Bigfoot. What’s he always hiding from though? My guess: child support.
(I got excited about this at first because I thought it was about sick asses. Like nice fat asses. Like asses twerking. And G-strings. And sitting on faces. What were we talking about?)
AND ASS Whenever I want the TA in Management to quit hovering over me, I just start staring at her boobs. Works all the time. (No you do that the whole time she leans over you, she just starts to notice after a while but hey tits are tits and keep on staring.)
THE MEDIUM MEETS TONIGHT AT 8:00 PM IN ROOM 120 B OF THE BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER BE THERE OR BE BULLIED ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM! DATING ADVICE You must be in the army, because Iraq your world. ;)
Send in those sexy personals to: themedium.personals@gmail.com and twat at: @PersonalsRU. JEGGINGS
PRE-JAC
Sometimes when I wear leggings, I like to stand in front of a mirror shoulder width apart and pretend I’m an isosceles triangle.
Sorry I slammed the door. The doorframe came sooner than I thought it would.
(Yeah but I swear this never (Sometimes when people happens to the door. It was stand like that I like to stand probably from those four behind them with no pants beers he had before cause it honestly never happens on and do lewd things.) and he’s so sorry. Like he’ll totally be better next time HOBBIES if you just give me, I mean him, another chance.) My favorite hobby this semester is telling the NJ PIRG people that I al- FILL IN YOUR OWN ready voted. (This week I’ve told them I can’t vote because I’m a felon, my grandma died, I have mouth herpes and I already voted.)
FOOSBALL
Missed my first football (You must be New Orleans, game of the year last because you’re making me weekend. Pretty happy wet and people are drowing I did after that shitty performance. Like 52in the SuperDome.) 17 wut. Maybe we can merge with Schiano’s LUVINGSTON Bucs and have a halfway I don’t understand Liv- decent team. ingston’s obsession with (Luckily I drank too much beautifying the campus malt liquor the night before, with dead looking plants. passed out in my piss, and (You motherfuckers just want everything over there. You have your Starbucks, movie theater and dumbass Apple store. I heard they have solid-gold toilets and John Stamos lives there.
GENERAL HOSPITAL I feel bad for the nurses at the hospitals in New Brunswick on the weekends. They have to deal with stupid drunk motherfuckers like me.
(Now add your own witty comment here. Don’t be shy on using words like ‘clit’ and ‘suppository.’)
WEIRD FEELINGS I think I accidentally liked a transvestite on Tinder....then she liked me back. Which should I be more worried about?
(I say you go for it. You might just like it, but then woke up at 4:00 pm the next again I’ll try anything fourday!) teen times.)
woooooo we lose 52-17 to Cincinnati then we’re lucky enough to play Thursday on national tv against a ranked team. excuse me while i take my toaster into the oven.
Alright, maybe I wake up at 4 PM some days. If I go to sleep at 6 am, what does it matter?
(What type of malt liquor should I drink so I don’t remember this game? Olde English, Colt 45, Steel Reserve, Cobra?)
(Some nights I don’t sleep, I just watch all the Twilight movies and jerk off to Edward and Bella, in that order.)
I’M TIRED
PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 201h, 2013
the Medium
“And the shirt remains lucky.”
CAUTION PSA WITH DR. TOSSED SALAD Attention: This page will cause your dick to get hard and your pussy to get extremely wet. If you like this feeling email us telling you about it by sending your sexy emails to themedium.personals@gmail.com and then follow us on Twitter @PersonalsRU I promise to start tweeting again this week.
DOUCHEBAGS
BORINGGGGG
HEY ASSHOLE
Anyone who says “fuck bitches get money” is a fucking douchebag and a loser. No you are not fucking any bitches. Have you seen the guys who say this shit, they are all the same. Either loser frat bros, wannabe bros, or fucking indians who think they are the shit. Just please shut the fuck up. Do you think the guys actually getting some pussy are saying that shit. Hell No! Next asshole I hear say this is getting kicked in the fucking balls still he is bleeding out his asshole.
So I met some soccer players this weekend and it was so hard to not start fan girling over them, but I think that I played it pretty cool.
honestly, tell your girl to stop texting me. it’s fucking weird, especially when i keep telling her i don’t want to talk to her anymore.
(I hate these fucks too. They are the farthest thing from pimps on this planet. They And how come no one notices my no shave should be shamed at all cost. November? Come on! DO NOT FUCK ANYONE WHO SAYS THIS. Fuck the kid who always ASIANS COOKIES tries to pick up chicks on the An Asian girl in Busch Don’t mention having bus instead.) Dining Hall had about cookies if you don’t have To the drunk losers ten pairs of chopsticks on any! standing behind me at her tray. A curly-haired guy asked her about it (It is just a fact of life. Who- the football game, fuck and she candidly admit- ever said it must be shamed you made that experience even worse by not ted to always stealing to the fullest.) shuting up, saying the loads of chopsticks. Then same insults over and she told her mother. TakROUTE 18 over again about cincining advantage of freebies, you know that girl’s go- I was driving down nati and throwing you ing to land herself a nice 18 south at night and fucking craker jacks at the Jewish boy someday. I thought that I saw a guy three rows down. I Then again, just buying a lighted upvote sign on a want to let you know that pair of plastic chopsticks building but it turned out I hate you all, and that you taking group snap would be a reasonable in- to be a crucifix. Welp! chats when were losing vestment as well! (Damnit Jesus.) by 30 makes you all look (No no no no no! Jewish Has anyone else noticed like sad loser freshman. guys get no Asians. They all the dead deer laying (Aww freshman who can’t are all mine. All mine!) on the side of the road? handle their alcohol are so... Route 18 and Route 1 are annoying aren’t they? We Why are there only little covered in them. Like lost, bad boys, if you wanna Asian girls? Can’t they they all have a death wish have fun go back to Livi and come in plus size? do it.) (Uh oh did you hear that? (I like mine either skinny Another just got hit.) BUS PUSSY with a nice tight ass, or a little bigger because they look To the nigga who was RED CROSS like they give great head. Big staring at my pussy on tits is always a plus, with All these bitches be Red the bus last friday. Fuck those tiny nipples. Mmm.) Cross clubbin’ it on the you asshole you think I weekdays! Woot! don’t notice.
VERONICAS
Does anyone remember (Oh god I really wanna The Veronicas. The hot know what made someone twins who would sing think of this.) and look hot. Damn I’d Did they really make still fuck them. Damn. the Sandy concert into a movie? People will try to (Who wouldn’t right?) make money off of anything won’t they.
MEDIUM MEETING ROOM 120B IN THE BCC TONIGHT AT 8PM THERE WILL BE FOOD.
(Yeah they will. They wanna whore out anyone named Sandy to raise money...I think that is a little too much though.)
(Bet they talked mad shit (I guess we’re too fucking about you afterwards loser.) lazy to capitalize the I’s. Ugh I hate you and this To the chick I hooked up fucking personal because of with this weekend, you it. Let the pussy text you-had a pretty nice ass, but don’t get greedy.) damn you were the most boring kisser ever! God- If you think raticate is a damnit was just horrible good pokemon you are put some effort into girl stupid and should walk come on. out of the fucking production room. (fucking lame man, just like this personal. No sex like (Yeah.) come on.)
MORE PIRG to whoever erased my before i die i want to “vote NO for NJPIRG”... you’re a cunt. it’s because of you that i actually voted NO. suck it, bitch.
ROOMIEZ
If my roomate keeps trying to take all of my water I’m going to kick her in the pussy.
(That’s weird, this chick wanted me to kick her in the pussy this weekend. I said (Hey! I fuck cunt. What’s no. Scared me.) the big deal?) I don’t mean to sexile my I would rather have roommate all the time, NJPIRG ask me to vote but like my boyfriend has than watch Gary TurN- such a big cock I gotta ova throw an intercep- fuck him when I see him. tion. At least I can ignore NJPIRG, but Gary Nova’s (I bet the boyfriend wrote interceptions are painful this about himself. Go blow it out your ass douchebag.) to watch (He thinks he does a good job thank you very much. He was partying the night before the game apparently too.) If I told NJPIRG the truth and told them I never voted, will they finally stop harassing me? (Ugh I really hate them. They are all waving at us now trying to be all nice. Get the fuck outta my face NJPIRG. Dr. Tossed Salad is not voting. Suck it.)
DEAF PROFESSOR To my deaf professor don’t get me started. I just wanna fuck you so bad that I can’t help myself. I’m so happy you are not blind so that you can read this paper and know how much I want you. (Yeah because I’m sure he cares so much about you. Stop complaining and be direct maybe. Take him to get coffee at Hidden Grounds.
REAL POKEMON QUOTES
(Excuse me we here at The Medium do not stand for that offensive language. Saying Pussy when not describing your pussy could mean that it is dirty, and thats just fucking offensive to the sweet pussy out there.) These asian bitches think that they can dress lke there going out when it’s monday afternoon. (Yes they do :])
“Oh Ash you’re so hard.”
THE BACK PAGE
“Dedicated to those awkward moments. All the time. Everywhere.”
Wednesday, November 20th, 2013
University Picks: Hood Edition
Snuggie Top Rap Songs Stan (Eminem): No matter who you are, you were Lose Yourself (Eminem): Great lyrics, affected by his passion and inspiration. When you great chorus, and great background music. ere having a bad day and he came on, all of your This song’s got it all! problems melted away. He may not have been able to drop that beat, but he was able to move that bus. Gangsta’s Paradise (Coolio): If there’s one “I don’t succumb to the pressure, I succumb to the song that deserves the praise that it gets, passion!” it’s this one. Getting #1 in over 10 countries BK
What’s Shakin’
Tonight 8pm @BCC rm120B Hipster Medium Meeting You’re not invited. Today 3:00pm, @BCC, The Cove Pixar Shorts Anthology Learn the heart-wrenching story of Pixar’s murderous lamp November 23rd 2pm @Off-Campus OSCA Ice Skating Trip Somewhere off-campus there will be an ice-skating trip. Finding out WHERE exactly that is is part of the fun. Bring $5
WANT TO BE FAMOUS?? Submit shit. themedium.backpage@gmail.com
is no easy feat but it’s not even a challenge for this song.
U Can’t Touch This (MC Hammer): One of the greatest songs of the 90s, and by far one of the most referenced songs of all time, despite being over 20 years old. Ether (Nas): Arguably the best diss record of all time. Nas completely destroyed “GayZ” in this one, showing how Jay-Z has been commercialized and how he lost his roots in rap. While some avid Jay-Z fans believe that he made a comeback in Blueprint II, you just can’t come back from Ether!
Caption Contest!
thank you.
Intellectual Corner:
By: Some Schmuck | Too Cool For a Description
Are you an uncultured swine? (Of course you are!) Change that by learning a new language! Wow your friends with your multilingual powers! This week’s phrase: The Struggle
By: A Dedicated Reader
cocks.
Why I Gotta Wait (Turquoise Jeep): We have all had that girl that wouldn’t put out-- even after the fifth date. Unlike Turquoise Jeep’s other songs that talk about smash-bang fusion, Why I Gotta Wait talks about an important problem that strikes at the heart of college students across the country: “Why you got to treat her bad if you want the goods?”
In celebration of this being the last Medium you’ll see until the end of Thanksgiving break, here are the top 3 captions sent in this week.
Cocks:
hot cock-ets chicken cock-pie cockcorn chicken corn on the cock chicken cock-lets avo-cock-o hot cockolate cheesecock
Thrift Shop (Kidz Bop Version): Although Thrift Shop has the catchiest lyrics and the hottest beat, Macklemore fell short of making it a great song. Luckily for us, the Kidz Bop saw the true potential of the song and made it perfect by adding even catchier lyrics that add to the fuel of this hit. “Now walk into the club like what up I got a hit song.”
“Ain’t nobody messing with my motherf*king clique” “Give us the breadcrumbs or we’ll poke your eyes out, capiche?” “Beware- they’re establishing a pecking order”
MS Paint Masterpieces
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American English: The Struggle British English: The Strouggle French: Le Struggle Spanish: El Strũgglé German: Zee Schtruggle Arabic: al-Struggle Hebrew: Ha-Struggle Japanese: Te Sturaguru Latin: Struggelum Greek: Jamaican: The Stuggle, Mon Yiddish: Oy Vey, Der Struggle! Bantu: Click-click-click-Struggle Egyptian: Struggle See? Don’t you sound smarter already?
I’m Feeling Passive Aggressive Today