This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliv Issue X
November 28th, 2012
TWO REGULAR GUYS
GUY WHO TAKES THE REXB EVERY MONDAY TALKING TO OTHER GUY WHO WAS ALWAYS IN THE PASTA LINE DURING SPRING 2011 BY KCIG MANAGING EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK--The guy who generally sits in the front section of the REXB on Mondays and Wednesdays from the ARC to Jameson at 8:50 AM was witnessed talking to that other guy who always was in the Pasta Line in the Busch Dining Hall a few years back. The pair were spotted in the Rutgers Student Center Computer Lab on Tuesday afternoon, and were allegedly chatting about a class in which they are both enrolled, though seemed to have known each other previously, due to them both mentioning many mutually shared friends with no introduction or use of full names. Experts are saying this could mean that they could have perhaps gone to high school together, though it remains possible that the pair could have met at Rutgers. After exhaustive searching in the online schedule of classes, the class they were discussing
50¢ QUICKIES
Instructor of Online Class Under the Impression Someone Gives a Shit A new study has found that Dan Copper, the instructor of the digital class ‘Leadership in Business Contexts,’ is reportedly under the false impression that someone might actually give a shit about his class. “The blog posts that the students type up every week are always so insightful!” said Copper, a graduate of the University of Phoenix online. “It really amazes me how eager these students are to learn.”
Romney Family Sits in Uncomfortable Silence as Mitt Cries Into Gravy Boat was later determined to meet at 9:15 in Hickman 138 on Mondays and Wednesdays, which contributes to a fuller picture of both of their weekly schedules. The guy from the pasta line must therefore live on College Ave, Livingston, or Douglass, which raises further questions as to why he was always eating on Busch during the
Spring 2011 semester. Though many new facts were gleaned about the two parties during this chance encounter, neither of them mentioned the others name, which stifles hopes for the opportunity of new, anonymous, online research.
NEWS IN PICTURES
"HOME"OPHOBE
Panda Born in Captivity on Busch Adds Cultural Flair to Campus Easton Ave Gym Playlist Designed to Inspire Optimal Shred
Gay Student Comes Out to Se- Sarah Jessica Parker Gets Off High Horse nile Grandfather for Fourth Thanksgiving in a Row BY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
couldn’t have asked for a better response.” But when McGrath came home WESTFIELD-- Dan McGrath, a for the holiday again during his senior in the school of Arts and sophomore year, he found himSciences is proud to have come self having to start the process out to his family early on in his all over again. college career. Among those who McGrath “I come from a kind of re- came out to in his freshman year pressed town,” said McGrath. was his grandfather Robert, a ‘But in my first couple of months World War Two veteran who, at Rutgers, I knew that I had as of August 2009, began going found a place where I could be through the early stages of secomfortable with myself, and so nile dementia. when I came home for Thanks“My grandson’s a poof?” said giving, I told my family. They McGrath’s grandfather when accepted me for who I am and I Dan outed himself again in his
Independent Since 1869 ESTABLISHED 1970
the Medium
NEWS
“My thirst is so quenched right now”
DIGITAL LOVE
Wednesday, November 28th, 2012
MONKEYIN' AROUND
Robot Girlfriend Proves African American Pri"High Maintenance" matologist Upset by change her stainless steel body Awkward Workplace to gold alloy for Christmas. “She even expected me to After 2 years in a relation- change her oil. Next thing you Environment ship, SAS junior James Leighton know, she’ll ask me to wax her BY SUPA KRUPA TROOPA BUSINESS MANAGER
is having problems with his girlfriend, Sally 2000. The couple “connected” in an engineering building on Busch Campus as Leighton was experimenting with short circuit current and open circuit voltage. Their relationship was similar to that of any college sweethearts—they went to the movies, they went out to eat and they cuddled. Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse when Sally 2000 became a little too demanding. “She would throw a fit in restaurants if they didn’t serve Premium Gasoline,” says Leighton, “Blue Label wasn’t good enough for her.” Sally 2000 was also reported to have caused a scene in public when Leighton would not
body,” said Leighton. Leighton is not the only one with complaints though. “He was all over this other computer and expected me to be calm as he put all ten fingers on her keyboard” stated Sally 2000 when talking about her relationship. “Jesus Christ, I was just in the computer lab doing my homework on a Mac,” argued Leighton, “Seriously though, she turned chrome with envy.” After all of this, Leighton came to the conclusion that he would prefer normal human girls over his robot girlfriend. “I may end the relationship, she’s so fake,” said Leighton, “She never told me but I’m pretty sure her chest plates are synthetic.”
BY DAN "OMAN" CHOG, JR. SECOND STRING WRITER
Lionel Watts, the newly hired David and Lauren Dirshowitz Professor in Ancestral Primatology, was excited to begin his work in Duke University’s Department of Evolutionary Biology. “I was ready to go,” said Watts. “All of my work studying primates had led to working in this distinguished laboratory. I was so excited to meet my new colleagues.” It was when he met his coworkers, Watts says, that things took a turn for the worse. “We were observing one of the newborns, named Bobo,” continued Watts. “Dr. Jeffries saw Bobo drop a toy block on his foot. Jeffries said ‘What a silly monkey,’ and then Dr. Roberts, one of the other researchers, shushed him and then everyone started staring awkwardly at me. I don’t know why.” The co-workers, on the othCOMING OUT junior year. “Well, I never!” “Its frustrating,” said McGrath’s mother Bonnie. “We are trying so hard to have a welcoming environment for our son, but his grandfather makes things a bit difficult.” “Last year was awkward,” said McGrath. “I came to visit Grandpa and he invited me to come to Florida where he lives over the summer to attend the Republican National Convention. I didn’t have the heart to tell him again, but I knew he would forget he had invited me.” Though unable to comment at press time, Grandpa McGrath issued a written statement stating that he looked forward to seeing Dan at Thanksgiving
Editorial Staff Fall 2012
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Kristen Cignavitch Krupa Patel Jordan Gochman
News Editors Stewart Hallman IV Brianna Provenzano Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Ben Green Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Eohn Jberhardt John Eberhardt
er hand, have reported no problems working with Watts. “Lionel is a fine researcher in the field… of… um… primates of the simian infraorder,” said Dr. Ben Greenfield of Duke University. “He has a genuine interest in… those particular creatures. I enjoy working with him and I feel his contribution to the study of… mammals that have opposable thumbs but are not human beings. Wait, I didn’t mean that ‘not human beings part. Edit that out.” Watts, however, is not sure if he is enjoying his new workplace, and it has affected how he feels about his career path in general. “I just don’t know anymore,” said Watts. “I am starting to regret my choice of studying primates. There were so many other creatures I would have loved to study.” Added Watts, “maybe I should have taken my father’s advice and studied the behaviors of raccoons instead.” ...continued from front
again next year and he hopes next year, Dan will finally bring a nice girl to meet the family.
COME TO OUR MEETINGS AT 6:30 on THE FOURTH FLOOR OF THE RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER FOR CAKE, E N D L E S S PRAISE AND THE CHANCE FOR ETERNAL GLORY. Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisors
Leif Tornberg Janice Green Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot See above
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to this issue. Think about it.
Wednesday, November 28th, 2012
FEATURES
the Medium
“Jordan’s facial hair is distributed unevenly across his face.”
EROTICA
PERSONALITY QUIZ
ridors. Today’s adventure seemed to be different from the others. Quaint Penis As Bob rose from his state of rest and his body became filled with by Koala blood and energy he scoped out Bob was always a pleas- his prey. This corridor that was ant little fellow. Sitting within his to be navigated seemed much comfortable and roomy pants. bigger than normal. As Bob was thrust back and He lived a pleasant and easy life. Occasionally, Bob would be forth into this unknown area. He let out to spew forth his waste or didn’t feel the same as he usually to spasm until he vomitted. He did. Not even the slightest urge used to be displeased by such to puke or even stay awake. He actions but has since found sol- felt himself slipping away, blood ace in the muscle relaxation that and energy sapped away. Bob realized that the enemy comes after. was too large and that he was The journeys that led to these spasms tended to be dark inadequate to conquer it despite and arduous but pleasant none his best efforts. Bob’s talents and the less. The corridors of adven- natural abilities proved to be his ture were a bit snug but oddly weakness. His smaller frame fitting. In Bob’s time he had seen and constitution just not enough many of his kind struggle to en- to complete this adventure. ter similar corridors. Luckily for (Pair with Hans Zimmerhim, he was lithe and did not have to use brutish force in or- Light)
What is Your True Personality?
The Ballad of the
der to enter aforementioned cor-
by: Koala & KCIG 1. In your spare time, what angry faces and being pouty. c) Helping others by packaging do you enjoy doing? a) I like to be fit and stay active, so you’ll find me running or at the gym! b) You’ll find my nose buried in a novel- I love to read! c) I like to volunteer in my spare time. d) I torture small animals.
want to do before you die?
gether with friends! What are you guys doing? B’s: You’re an introvert! You like
4. When you’re mad, what found, Tyrone was utterly perplexed. The entrance was the smallest he had ever seem. Tyby: Koala rone’s master urged him for Tyrone was always the ward and Tyrone did in fact biggest fellow in the room. As a oblige, thrusting himself toresult, he found his residence to wards the gates. As he slammed be a prison and his pair of pants into it, the lips refused to budge to be a hindrance. He could open. Tyrone tried to squirm in never wait to rip off his har- but still could not enter. “WHAT IS THIS VILE nesses and burst forth from the SORCERY?!,” screamed Tyrone. restraint of the pants. Tyrone had led many But no one heard his yells. He conquests in his time and had equipped a lubricating gel in never failed to fill any combat- another attempt. No gate has ant. Any vagina, large or small, withstood Tyrone, the slippery would be filled to the labia lips tyrant ever before, and this one would not either. by Tyron’es enormous girth. As he slammed into the Every sinew of Tyrone was vast in comparison to others vaginal opening a great scream of his kind. Never had he failed could be heard, yet there was no his rampage and unleashed his victory to be had. He budged in barrage early or late. He was with just his head but could not very well trained and very pow- wiggle any deeper. His unstoppable charge had been thwarted. erful. A god among the rest. Today’s adventure was He shrank in defeat, with shame in a landscape that Tyrone was and humiliation. not familiar with at all. Once the entrance to the combat zone was (Pair with any war music)
5. What is something you
a) Run a marathon and end up in the top five percent! 2. Your crush just asked you b) Read the entire Lord of the out! What is your ideal date/ Rings in one sitting. c) Donate over one million dollocation? lars to charity. a) A hike! What could be more d) Kill someone and have noromantic than being active with body ever find out. the person you like!? b) A romantic candle lit dinner that you make yourself! c) Local soup kitchen, feeding If you answered mostly... the homeless! d) Abandoned warehouse! A’s: You’re sporty! You like to 3. You’re having a get to- run around and you have high energy! a) Laser Tag! Running around in a high energy environment! b) Wine sipping and an Indie movie with just a few others. c) Volunteering at the Special Olympics! Give back together! d) Hunting the most dangerous game.
Requiem For The Giant Cock
food and giving back to the community. d) I take my knife and stab a pillow repeatedly.
do you do to let off steam?
to be alone and do things independently! C’s: You have a heart of gold! You want to help others and genuinely are a good person! D’s: You have sociopathic personality disorder. You are a danger to yourself and others. This is an official diagnosis.
a) Run it off! Nothing like another reason to run. b) Sulk and think in my own head in my own house, making lots of
BROETRY
As I Grew Harder By Wank-ston Hughes It was a long time ago. I have almost forgotten my dream. But it was there then, In front of me, Hard like a rock-My dream. And then my dick rose, Rose slowly, Slowly, Between me and my dream. Rose until it touched the sky-The dick. Shadow. I am black. I lie down in the shadow. No longer the light of my
dream before me, Above me. Only the thick dick. Only the shadow. My hands! My dark hands! Grab on the dick! Find my dream! Help me to stroke this hardness, To touch this penis, To break this boner Into a thousand lights of cum, Into a thousand whirling dreams Of cum!
the Medium
OP/ED
“So this morning, I saw a Rutgers e-mail spelling ‘women’ as ‘womyn’, and it made me mad.“
THE BEST THANKSGIVING EVER
NFL Makes The Best Comedies BY BRENTON COLE
So there I was, lying down on the couch after a long, hearty Thanksgiving diner. My social alarm went off after about five minutes of interaction with the rest of my extended family, so I went to the living room for a break. Three hours later, I woke up, and the TV was on. Now, I don’t normally watch football, but let me tell you: this was something else. Thankfully, I only slept through the first quarter. That first touchdown by the Patriots was alright, but then that immediate turnaround and second touchdown? Priceless. And the third one right afterwards? My sides were in orbit. I don’t normally watch football, but it’s great to see sports teams taking it easy on each other once a year and playing a parody game, instead of the real thing. Especially on Thanksgiving, it really brings home a message that at the end of the day, we’re all just playing a game and should get along regardless of who wins or loses, or which team we’re on. But seriously, Mark Sanchez should get an acting contract sometime soon. That one part when he pretended that he couldn’t see Moore right in front of him was the best.
Wednesday, November 28th, 2012
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What’s your favorite food to eat on Thanksgiving? Mashed Potatoes “The soft, moist texture reminds me of how I’ve given up on life and now simply accept whatever it throws my way.” Stewart Robinson, History Major
Cranberry “I like to mush it around with a fork and pretend that it’s really the intestines and organs of my anthropology professor.” Lucy Ostheimer, Geology Major
Any Alcohol “Oh my god. I’m going to be graduating in less than six months and I have absolutely no plans for the future. Sarah Grint, English Major
Wednesday, November 28h, 2012
ARTS
“Accept me. ACCEPT ME. Why won’t my dance make you accept me?!”
the Medium
TOO MANY THANKS
SUBMISSION
WHA--I DON’T...I DON’T KNOW
HIGH GUINEA PIG FASHION
Do you want to contribute to this fashion show of guinea pigs? Or contribute art at all? Submit to:
themedium.arts@ gmail.com AND WE HAVE MEETINGS.
6:30pm-7:30pm at RSC, Rm 439
the Medium
PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 28th 2012
“Is it Go-tye? Fuck it I’m just gonna call him Goat”
FOOD
YA FUCKIN ANIMAL
SAME FUCKIN GUY
EVERYDAY I’M TRUFFLIN’
To the new guy at Wendy’s, your sass and gumption made the really long line manageable
To the assholes who live above us acting like a fucking horde of elephants. I’m not sure what you think you’re doing up there at 3 am but it has to stop. Because while you guys are doing your mockery of normal human motor function other people are trying to sleep. I hope the people above you stomp loud and hard enough that the ceiling caves in and crushes you just enough to break limbs, because I sure as hell don’t want you in my room. Go fuck yourselves if you can even do that. Heart Heart~ the people below you.
To all the dumbass froshkids who got fucked in the asshole by the big black dildo known as WebReg: welcome to Rutgers, muthafuckas.
I’VE TAKEN OVER BOTH PAGES, AND YOU WILL ACCEPT IT AND ENJOY IT! THAT BEING SAID: Go read the rest of the paper you ignorant piece of shit. These people slave away every damn week to bring you guys a whole satire paper and then you little assholes flip right over here to read the garbage that you and your equally retarded friends write. I don’t even want your personals, I’ll write them all myself!!!!
To bagels, you are such an amazing and versatile breakfast food. I can put bacon on you, toast you, butter you, cream cheese you, and more. You even come in multiple flavors like poppy seed and everything. You must be God’s breakfast choice. This might just blow your mind: bagels can even be eaten for the other meals of the day, and snacks. Bagels are amazing. (Why isn’t bacon being mentioned?! I’m sorry I thought this was America!) To the personals editorMeatball meatball spaghetti underneath, ravioli ravioli GREAT BARRIER REEF! (You like Krabby Patties don’t you?) To the man that fed his hotdog the the flock of pidgeons at the grease trucks the other day. You may not have a home, but you got a shitload of good karma in my book to my jerkoff relative who denied my little brother a slice of apple pie on thanksgiving... if we weren’t related i would’ve choked to out with all the leftover beats we had. Apple pie is the purest definition of ‘Merica you fuckin commie
FEELINGS To the cute boy in my class, I don’t think you understand how cute you are! I have a really big crush on your brain. I just wish you weren’t 2 years younger than me:( Sincerely, Lonely, sad, old senior
(That was last week, step your game up muthafucka.)
To the socially-awkward annoying kid who went on the trip with our club: I know you’re the one who called in our party to hotel security for the noise, you plague-infested rat. Don’t ever think of coming with us to any trip ever again, cause I might just throw your ass out of the car in the middle of nowhere in upstate NY. Plus, you had the audacity to complain (Duece dueces.) the whole time to others to the squirrels of Rut- on the trip. Your immatugers: you’re all fatasses. rity makes me think you still suck on your mom’s Go anorexic. teet when you go home. (Did you ever think that the P.S. constantly bugging squirrel might have went that girl you’re obsessed through a rough breakup with isn’t gonna get your with another squirrell and dick sucked. Get the hint, needed to relieve some brah. stress?) (Clearly he’s jelly of your to my fucking landlord club brah. What is it btw? who finally mustered Magic the Gathering?) up the gaul to get rid of To the femi-nazi from my the family of mice that high school: why the fuck had been living under do you keep inviting me the cupboard for the last to your little womanly month and a half. If you social justice events? hadn’t called the extermi Most of your Facebook nator I would’ve gotten friends probably don’t Pied Piper on your ass even give a flying fuck, and gotten those mice to myself included. So what rip your throat out. I objectify women to en(Williard would have also joy some tits and ass? It’s been a good reference... not your job to judge me, Crispen Glover is one of the you prissy little bitch. I hope you end up sucking greatest actors ever.) some hunky douchebag’s cock at the bar just so I WISHFUL THINKIN’ can call you a hypocrite. Don’t you sometimes wish that personals reproduced asexually? They would just multiply across the page without the lameass editor having to do anything!! :-p
(If it wasn’t for the fact that I crave validation from others, I would’nt even acknolegde these silly events.)
To the fucker who shat a turd shaped like a pancake at Brother Jimmys: dude, not To the hot ginger in my econ class: even though (You have no idea... then I’d only did you clog the shityou are a contradiction be able to actually have a life ter, but you seriously fucked (hot and a ginger), stop haha *sigh*) it up by spraying your crap talking to that douche flecks everywhere. Not to and start talking to me, To the girl I bought the mention, you severely infat sandwhich for, how ive been working out ;) about next time you blow convenienced everyone af(Brother Jimmy’s sounds me next time I dish out ter you who needed to dump like a great time I have to go that much money. Don’t their load outta the Tonka. forget I also paid your Eat scat, bitch. there now!) your gay ass birthday Errrr meh gerrrrrddd cake shots. Jesus woman (Brother Jimmy’s sounds Jeeeernnnn Errberrherrd! like a great time I have to go Heerrrr eerrrkweerrrrd! there now!) (She should blow you.)
themedium.personals@gmail.com A DIFFERENT FUCKIN GUY THAN BEFORE
To Urban Outfitters: $60 jeans my ass! i bought a pair of $15 jeans this past weekend, you better lower your prices or else you’ll lose another hipster customer
Who watches the walking dead? That shit is legit. Bitches be dying everyday
ingston can suck it.
(Goddamn hipsters.)
(I like watching people die, along with 5 million other people in the country
My skinnies are super tight this week just to let Why are there so many more good looking girls ya’ll know ;D on cook/douglas than (I’d wonder what I’d look any other campus? I nevlike in skinny jeans.) er should have moved I went to cook today just away from cook. I <3 to eat at Neilson. Liv- hipster girls.
DON’T GO THERE
QUESTION
To whomever is probably balls deep in the girl I used to hook up with: you may be nicer, better looking, more attentive, less creepy and have more in common with her, but I am... I am... fuck. Not really sure where I’m going with this. Just back off.
Seriously why the fuck to all the homeless people keep taking up chairs to watch CNN and debate politics? Do they really have nowhere else to go? (You just answered your own question dumb dumb.)
Why the fuck are all the takeout lines so goddamn to the fucking suckup of long for just nuggets a student who decided night? I’ve been waiting to pass out the teacher here for over an hr now is evaluation form ONE BY this place even open? FUCKIN ONE, I hope to get the biggest papercut (Probably closed, thanks for know to mankind you taking the time out f your bitch. Your slothiness day for sending me a perforced me to stand in the sonal.) takeout line for a good 25 To the fucking personals minutes. go die editor wehy do you al(Confront him. You won’t.)
To the person that thinks this personal isn’t about them, it is. You are a dirty, dirty whore and you know who you are (It was one night JESUS I’M SORRY!!!)
To the douche who tried to get me to blow him last night, just because you bought me shots and a fat sandwhich doesn’t automatically make me spread my pants. Jesus man have some sense
ways take so long to finish the goddamn pages? I mean they’re fucking personals, peopl;e should be sending you shit all the time! (I’m doing the best I can you just get off my back! God! Doing this page is gonna be the death of me!)
Why does everyone always talk up Stan the LX driver? He never talks when I’m on and he doesn’t even high 5 anymore
Wednesday, November 28th, 2012
PERSONALS “I’ve got balls of steel!”
FUCK ME Think you can do a better job than me? Come to our meetings and prove me wrong! Wednesdays 6:30-7:30pm RSC Room 439 No big I’ll just do both pages by myself *Mad Professor laugh* Muahahahahahaha! themedium.personals@gmail.com Task Of The Week = SEND ME MORE FUCKIN PERSONALS DAMNIT!#$%&^%^#
UNIVERSITY
Rutgers Housing, Why do you fucking kick everyone out for thanksgiving and spring break and everything? You do know that some people live far away, right? And we can’t just go home whenever we damn well please, any time of the day?
(I’m sorry, but I can’t answer your personal right To the assholes outside now, but if you leave a rewearing shorts and t- sponse, I’ll be sure to get shirt, Go fuck yourself back to you ASAP.) trying to pretend your Persuading me to believe not cold. This is beyond the blonde hair in my salnipple hardening weath- ad dressing is my own is er. You’re not tough or cute, Douglass Cafe. cool, only delaying the fact that sooner or later To the women whos iniMother Nature is going tals are TX, HUS, JW, MP to make you her little and KW. You can hide in bitch. your houses, you can run into the Busch Campus (Hard nips turn me on.) Center but we will find To the two douches in you... and you will get the PT Cruiser decorat- wet! ed with Snoopy designs. (You’re a rookie when it Words cannot express comes to personals, get betmy disgust; and Charles ter at it bro. And close your Schulz hates you. fb next time.) (PT Cruisers: giving guys To motherfucking robert reason to compensate for barchi why aren’t you their small dicks since early as badass as dick mccor2001.) mick? why do you alfuck the Rutgers football ways have to be such a team fro making me miss goody fucking two-shoes out on $500 last week and do everything right. cuz they didn’t cover the Live a little so the Medispread, good luck facing um can make fun of you dammit! Louiville.... not (You probably shouldn’t (I’ve heard if you give him a bottle of JD he goes cray.) gamble then, jerkwad.)
JUST YOUR RUN-OF-THE-MILL PERSONALS to my grandmother: die already. You’re making the rest of us completely miserable. (Did your grandmother not give any presents for Hannukah?)
To the girl that got caught between the LX bus doors last week, that’s what your fatass gets! IDK why you thought that you could squeeze onto that packed ass bus. you had some nerve! and then to top it all off you go and say “Oh i guess this isn’t gonna work”. oh gee when did you come up with that idea? before or after your got squashed?. I laughed so hard I cried. nice going. (God help you all had she jammed the doors.)
a big “fuck you” to the public safety pig who gave me a parking ticket yesterday... I was only inches past the yellow line don’t be such a jew about it you bastard!! REAL AD
TOTALLY WANTS ME
RESPONDING
I love the medium! It’s my favorite publication to read during the week :) thank you for everything, you’re all awesome!
To the girl who saw me buying the pizza...y don’t u man up next time and talk to me rather than write an anonymous post about it! I’m never gona understand the way u women think some times..
(You+Me=Bedroom. 5 minutes. Flattery gets you laid 10 times out of 10.)
The opinions page was (Just watch Mel Gibson’s awesome last week. The “What Women Want” then one with the cat and the get back to me.) patronizing owner, classic hahaha! Sounds ex- To the self-labeled “slut” actly like me and my cat, that complained about Ronald. I play with him Queens last week: why all the time! the fuck do you go to Queen anyway, and why (You are the epitome of the did you complain about crazy cat lady. You will it? Everyone knows spend the rest of your life Queens is full of demaking horrible outfits for ranged midlife-crisis exyouur tortured cats periencing weirdos from Love it when the Medi- Timbuktu. Take your um uses Buschemi eyes, I panties off, put on a cockfeel like he’s staring into tail dress, and come with the depths of my soul me to Rail or something. I’ll be sure to have one and it gets me high of my boys show you a (He’s staring at you....) good time babe. i like looking at the personals pages last, cuz the (You don’t even need that rest of the paper is far cocky attitude to pick up and above above the rest girls at Rail. Sooo easy.) (Clearly you’re lying and you write for The Review.) To the editor of the personals page, not only are you one of the sexiest mofos on the planet, but your page is also witty and hysterical every week, marry me!! (Granted I wrote this, but how else am I gonna feel good about myself? Drink?)
TWEETS ARE BACK! So if the world ends on Another break goes by the 21st does that mean without doing any school my last exam is can- work #consistent celled? (If you have hw on break, (We can only pray.) you’re doing it wrong.) I can feel you judging me for choosing Cheetos instead of Sun Chips, Subway sandwich artist.
the Medium
Ah, Sundays. When we say we’re being productive, but really we’re just staring at our Twitter feeds from bed. #Truth
NICE PERSONALS Thanks to my friend posting on facebook to get me the help i needed! You are a true gentleman and a scholar. To my mom: thanks for working all day with me to make and awesome Thanksgiving dinner. It was delicious! (Free food from the family is the best.) Thanks to the guy who was playing his headphones really loudly: thanks for vicariously letting me listen to your music.
To the girl with the blond hair in one of my classes who always raises her hand when no else feels like talk: you consistent(It is scientific facts Sun ly take one for the team, Chips are 10x better than Ah, Sundays. When we and I think I speak for Cheetos.) say we’re being produc- everyone else in the class Most of you guys are a tive, but really we’re just when I say thank you for waste of time and a sick staring at our Twitter your dedication. joke in my eyes #Keep- feeds from bed. #Truth Trying #JokesOnYou (She deserves a medal or # L O L AT Y O U R L I F E My mom finds it funny some sort of holiday.) that I only shop at 3 dif#IRatherNapOrEat ferent stores Thanksgiving is over. (#RichWhiteFamilyProbs) I just want to give a shout You can go back to openout to all of our profesly hating your relatives Not below swiping tater sors. Thank you guys for via your protected twit- tots from Brower with doing your jobs every their bowls ter accounts again. day and teaching us all we know!!!! (#RespectTheTots)
THE BACK PAGE “We have an intern that gives blowjobs!”
Yes, this is a date
The Amazing Adventures of Al Gore Al Gore is showing us the miracle of life this week!
Adopt Me! BY A CONCERNED CITIZEN
What’s Shakin’? Tonight at 6:30PM Medium Meeting @ CAC Student Center Room 439 We hate each other. Please bring us new friends. Tuesday at 9:00 AM Hazardous Tree Identification @ Campus Wide Oh no! You missed it! what are you ever going to do? Thursday at 2:00 PM Mechanistic and Preclinical Studies that Define the Promise and Limits of Raising Vitamin D Status for Cancer Prevention @ Food Science BY RANDOM PEOPLE AND THEIR ROOMMATES | THEREISACAT Because people are actually goThis is fucking adorable. That’s all I have to say about this picture. ing to go to this.
My Roomate Sleeping
All The Time Party in Jon Kijne’s pants @ Frelinghuysen room #233 His penis is massive.
Useless Review of the Week BY NOT LIL BIT
CardBoard Boxes Cardboard boxes are an essential part of the shipping industry. They are mainly used for transporting goods, and are one of the most useful products ever made. They are perfect for when your kitten has babies and you want to give them away, or moving out of your house. Similar to times when you walk in on your wife cheating on you with your best friend, and then you lose the house, dog, and 60 inch tv in the divorce. Cardboard boxes become your only friend to help you move out because the rest of your friends ditched you to go to Tijuana. Did you also know that when you buy the Glock 9mm handgun online it gets shipped in a cardboard box? Yeah, they really are amazing. Turns out, 9mm ammunition also comes in cardboard boxes. Then, when you kill your whore wife and hide her body in the dumpster, cardboard boxes are there again to cover her up. Cardboard boxes really are man’s best friend.
Found this little guy all tuckered out in my bedroom the other night. I figured he needs a good home so I thought I’d put him up for adoption. Please put up an ad in your newspaper to see if any good families would take him in. He’s mild-tempered, about 150 pounds, 6’1”, and as cute as the dickens. He should be put in a home without small children as he can be aggressive and is known to use foul language. However, if you give him the time and attention he needs, he can be a loving and loyal pet. Please help me find him a home.
The Truth Behind Pop Songs BY BUBBLEY TOES
Now I’m climbing the walls But you don’t notice at all That I’m going out of my mind All day and all night One Direction: One Thing This line is an ode to the sad East Berliners trying to run, climb, and scale the Berlin wall, and their brains being blown out by the communist machine. Young hunks, taking shots Stripping down to dirty socks Ke$ha: Die Young This line is a reference to the Boxer Rebellion before the Russo-Japanese. The 8 alliance nations sent to quell the rebellion took shots at the Chinese boxers who of course wore no socks. We are never ever ever getting back together We are never ever ever getting back together Taylor Swift: We are Never Ever Getting Back Together This song is an allusion to Marie Antoinette’s second to last words. Before she said “Pardon me sir, I meant not to do it,” she told off her then deseased husband by saying, “We are never ever ever getting back together.”