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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue XI
50¢
NOVEMBER 30, 2011
NEWS
'OCCUPY GREASE TRUCKS' GENERATES NOTORIETY, WEIGHT GAIN BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE—After thousands of Rutgers students successfully attended "Occupy Mom's House" this weekend, they returned to campus with a fire in their heads and a spirit in their hearts. "We were back in New Brunswick and I felt like I still needed to do something more," said student Walter Koenig. "But, as soon as stepped back onto campus, I remembered that my beloved Grease Trucks needed protecting!" Koenig was not alone. Within hours of the return to campus, several students converged on the intersection of Hamilton Street and College Avenue to protest the possible relocation of the Grease Trucks, a collection of food trucks that have become a beloved campus landmark. "They can't be moved!" exclaimed sophomore Brittany
SPORTS QUICKIES
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell puts Lions DT Ndamukong Suh in time-out for 30 minutes Jets coach Rex Ryan thankful his brother wasn't at family dinner for Thanksgiving so he could eat all the stuffing
IN'TENTS' EATING Protesters noted that their tents had begun smelling like fries.
Welch. "The only way I know how to get back to Phi Sig while piss drunk is by following the lights of the trucks and the smell of recycled grease!" Indeed, the protestors came for a variety of reasons to keep the Grease Trucks where they were.
NEWS IN PICTURES
Supermarkets restock shelves according to new government standards
"I live over at the Easton Avenue Apartments," said Randall Walker, a 450 pound student. "If I have to walk a single step further to get my two 'Fat Bitches' with extra bacon, I'd have a heart attack!" Continued on Page 2
MORE NEWS IN PICTURES
Newly formed couple agrees to 'add/drop' period in relationship Wait, you could see the funky colors? Crap! I forgot this was a color issue this week! Every week I fuck with the text but its printed grey so nobody notices! That was my special thing!
'Winter is coming!' announces festive sweater
DELICIOUS AND NUTRITIOUS "No son, you can't eat your dessert until you have your Combos!"
Whores of a different color! ESTABLISHED 1970
the Medium
NEWS
“I'd totally watch Christopher Walken and Hugh Jackman make out. No big.”
ENTERTAINMENT
Aspiring comedian reaches peak in Facebook post BY KCIG ARTS EDITOR
INTERNET—Julian Becker, who dreams of one day becoming a famous stand-up comedian, reached his comedic peak in a Facebook post on Monday night. The post, a comment made on the status of Natalie Bergmann, one of Becker's Facebook friends who he met in a shortform improv comedy class, received 28 "likes" and garnered many responses. The comment, which appeared in the news feeds of upwards of 800 of Bergmann's friends, is the largest audience Becker has ever entertained. The comment was viewed by more people than all of Becker's original sketches posted on his improv comedy group's Youtube channel combined. "Other people tried to one-
up my comment, but mine was hands down the funniest comment on [Natalie's] status," said Becker, who regularly performs at open-mic nights at area comedy clubs. "When I was growing up, I've always been considered the 'class clown'. I would always, you know, make jokes when the teacher was trying to be serious," said the future data entry specialist. "I always enjoy making people laugh in any form, be it a Facebook comment or the the comedy movie I'm writing which is based a little bit on my stand-up routine. Have I shown you a copy? Actually, I shouldn't I have a guy who might be optioning it. It isn't that big a deal." "It's weird, I post witty statuses all the time," continued Becker, "but I've never gotten more than maybe 5 likes on a post."
BROW-BROW
New Research Shows all conveyer belts lead to Brower
FOLLOW THE MARBLE-TILE ROAD Trays from across campus are shuttled under Brow-Brow's steps.
one coming through our doors during the week? And don’t even get me started about the COLLEGE AVE—When stuweekends. I don’t understand dents put their trays onto the why they won’t come in. We use conveyer of their respective dinall the food from the other dining halls, most don't give a secing halls…maybe we’re just not ond thought as to what happens festive enough." to them. At times they may see a Momma Brower was even couple hands reach out and grab asked as to the state of the dinthe utensils, but for the most ing hall, to which she replied, part the fate of the trays is out of “Hi honey! How are ya? How’s public view. your day going?” Recently, new research Her overall upbeat attitude shows that all conveyer belts led to an hour-long discussion lead to Brower. Secret under- on how this writers’ week actuground passages transport all ally was and what he could do unused food and trays to Brow- to improve it. er Dining Hall. As for the state of Brower, “We gotta use the food SAS Junior Ryan Goobert put it somehow, “ said head of Brow- best when he said, “Mehh I can er Operations Charles Sacco. “I always go to Subway at the stumean come on, do you see any- dent center.” BY EVERYDAY I'M TRUFFLIN' NEWS EDITOR
GREASE TRUCKS
...continued from front
But, according to the Director of Transportation, Jack Molenaar, this protest is a little bit unwarranted. "This is a change we are considering not implementing! I cannot stress this enough!" Undeterred, the students took to the area around the trucks protesting the actions of Molenaar. "I don't trust him any further than I could throw him," said Koenig. "I mean, what has he done except for getting us a fleet of brand new, highly efficient and economical buses?"
Editorial Staff Fall 2011
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Kaitie Davis Kenneth Brooks Joey Threlfall Reven MacQueen
Wednesday, Brovember 30th, 2011
News Editors Jordan Gochman John Eberhardt Features Editor Shane Whelan Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editors Steve Troulis III Dave Imbriaco
Angry protestors slept around the trucks and spent their days chanting support for the trucks. Such chants as 'No blood for grease!' and 'No Fat Fellatios, No Freedom!' echoed across College Avenue as students held signs and sang protest songs. "It got really heated on Monday night," said Koenig." In fact, in their collective rage, the protesters gathered together to tip over the nearest vehicle they could find. "It happened to be Mr. C's Grease Truck," continued Koenig. "Not the smartest move we made. Back PageEditor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche Empty Spor
Phillip Li Chris Peatman Amy De-Maria Kenneth Brooks Barbara Reed Bob Loblaw Space Filler
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to my housemates who can't stop playing Skyrim. Because the real world misses you. First one of you to notice this dedication gets Somerset Diner on me this week.
Wednesday, November 30th, 2011
ARTS
“Hippo sloths are the deadliest animals when you account for speed.”
COMIC
the Medium LINES TO FILL SPACE
OP/ED
the Medium
Wednesday, November 30th, 2011
“If you get bitten by a snake several times you become highly allergic to the venom.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How Do You Feel About the Grease Trucks Potential Move? “Well personally, I can’t enjoy my food unless it’s been driven around in a truck for a while.” Melissa Francis, MGSA Senior
“I’m not sure how but I think that this is somehow McCormick’s fault.” Kyle McKyle, SEBS Freshman
“Can you people please stop asking me about random Rutgers events?” Sarah McSarah, 2nd Year Grad Student
COMMENTARY
Thanks For Pretending Not to See Me While I Pretended Not to See You BY JEB HART
Hey you, you know who you are. I know we fooled around for a little bit sophomore year, and we even went to senior prom together. We were really connecting after, with our main reason being our dislike for Chinese people in general (a little but oddly enough you thought it was funny). But for some reason we didn’t really talk after prom, it could’ve been the after-party when we got shit-faced, but I don’t really remember. You friended me on Facebook and we liked each other’s staustes and whatnot, but we never really reconnected. And when I saw you were going to Miami for college I stopped following your statuses but I didn’t really have the heart to defriend you. I knew even drunk I wasn’t going to make the effort to fly out and visit. So when I saw you walking past Scott Hall today I was completely taken offguard. Did you transfer here? And when? Dear God was that moment AWKWARD. I hadn’t seen you in over a year, and I really had to go to class, so there was nooo way I was gonna start a conversation on what you had been up to the last year and a half and how you managed to end up at Rutgers. That’s what Facebook stalking is for. And to be honest you’ve gained a little weight since I last saw you. There are such things as love handles, but there’s a limit honey. Thankfully, you clearly didn’t want see me either, so thanks for pretending not to see me while I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have.
COMMENTARY
I Am Terrified of Literally Everything BY A GUINEA PIG
Dear God, how is it were never meant to run from a predastatistically possible that tor. And how were they ever supposed everything in the world to carry this chubby body to safety? I is attempting to kill me? was designed to be prey. That human keeps looking at me I swear if these people don’t kill like he wants to eat me. I’m done, me then that cat definitely will. He’s there’s no way I could ever stand up to got it out for me. I can see it in his eyes. him. And the dog. He’s about to jump in this All I can do is run around in circles plastic terrarium and destroy me. and hopefully survive Definitely the chilthat way. dren too. They must be “My tiny little heart I’m gonna eat some trying to make me into can’t support this dinner. And the vacumore pellets and dig in these wood chips for Probably the nummuch activity.” um? protection. ber one threat to me Who am I kidding? I right now. don’t stand a chance. This is a gigantic They put that wheel in to trick me world and I’m just a small guinea pig. into thinking I could run away. As if Why does the whole world have to that plastic piece of junk would ever be be to threatening and out to get me? It’s able to save me. The people can pick up like every giant stair and water bottle my little house with ease. That means was designed to make me into prey. picking up the wheel and in turn pickOh God. Oh sweet Jesus. That per- ing up me. son just touched me. I’m caught. He’s That reminds me that they pick me got me. Maybe if I don’t move he won’t up sometimes! Oh heavens, that is besee me. Yeah, definitely the best plan. yond the worst thing that could ever I wasn’t cut out for this kind of fear happen to me. If I was dropped from every day of my life. My tiny little heart any sort of height it could be a disaster. can’t support so much activity. I’ll hide in the wood chips. Yes, And these short, stubby legs? They hiding is the best option.
REACHING A CREATIVE PLATEAU
FEATURES
Wednesday, November 30th, 2011
“I used to think the heart symbol was a nutsack <3”
A DAY IN THE LIFE...
CUTE THING
STUDENT profile
NAME: DARNOC IKSWENSEL YEAR: SOPHOMORE Mr. Ikswensel has a very colorful life. Below is a collage of his life, from raving to crime-fighting.
11:00 AM GRADUATION
True American Darnoc hopes to join the NROTC during his time at Rutgers and eventually become a United States Marine. He trains vigorously with pushups, pull-ups, chin-ups, and various other ups.
SUBMITTED BY SHELLY G CONTRIBUTING SUBMITTER
TEMPORARY JOBS
9:00 AM RAVING 2:00 PM RAVING DARNOC FACT #24 He’s great with children, having worked at a summer camp this past...um, summer.
3:02 PM VICTORY
3:00 PM WAR
6:00 PM PLAYTIME
8:00 PM TRAINING
VENN DIAGRAM
DARNOC FACT #67 Before Pokemon hit the scene in the United States, Darnoc trading cards were the best selling fantasy game among children ages 8-21.
what does a massive protest, hoards of consumers searching for great deals, and a bunch of pretentious bastards have in common?
11:30 PM VIGILANTE
FULL-TIME JOBS
THE
TOP Reasons Prostitution Ain’t So Bad a Job
CAMPING EXPERIENCE/ PEPPER SPRAY
D
DONUTS
BLACK FRIDAY
ES LV Y SE SL EM OU I TH ER ES S K O TA TO
O E TH SN EY ’T K ’R N E OW D O W IN H G AT
OCCUPY WALL ST.
the Medium
DAILY TARGUM
BY THE KILLA WHALE FEATURES EDITOR
1. Feed your kids. 2. Pay your bills and rent. 3. Make new friends, meet new people. 4. Job security in most urban developments. 5. It’s easy. 6. Flexible night hours, including commission on all sales. 7. Don’t have to pay taxes. 8. Lots of sex. 9. Always dressing up, looking good. 10. There is no number ten. Prostitution is illegal.
GOING INSHANE Let’s Make Some $$$
Need to find work over winter break? I can help. My faithful, undercover informant Pearl Diver let me in on a few secrets of good winter jobs. I’ve listed the best jobs I could find. Deer Hunter Venison will be on highdemand this winter break with students returning home and parents having trouble keeping their refrigerators full. With deer making their way into the suburbs more frequently, hunting will certainly become more popular. Microsoft Tele-Operator Students coming home will grow lazier and move less each day, especially men. They will clock in at 72 hours a week on average in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. Ladies, this is your chance to make some big money by learning X-Box to assist gamers. Meanwhile, you can talk to eligible bachelors over the phone and earn their trust through hours of technical advice. By Sha-NayNay
DEAR RUTGERS, FEEL FREE TO KEEP SUBMITTING NOTHING, DON’T WORRY ABOUT POOR OLD ME STUCK AT PRODUCTION FOR LONG HOURS WITHOUT CONTENT OR A SINGLE CLUE WHAT TO PUT ON MY PAGE. SUBMIT STUFF OR ELSE I’M LETTING THE BUSINESS MANAGER DO THE NEXT ISSUE THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@ GMAIL.COM
PERSONALS
the Medium
“Its kinda like an oil fire”
YOU
SICK
BASTARD
To the fat ass that just came in the DCC and sat next to me, when you weigh 250 lbs and scarf down that GIGANTIC piece of chocolate cake before you eat your four slices of pizza, you are not doing yourself a favor in the court of pubic opinion. Why don't you get your swollen ass on a treadmill instead of packing your ugly face with more fat. Go head and lick your fingers for all that pizza grease, it would be a disaster if you missed some. Even after eating the pizza you still have chocolate cake clinging your mouth, it looks like you just gave a rim-job to your boyfriend who is too fat to wipe his own ass. Thanks for making me vomit in my mouth. (Somebody didn’t learn the dessert before dinner rule. You can’t have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat!!!) To the drunk kid in the Dolphins' beanie at the RU Grill, what makes you think its acceptable to tell everybody about the first time you got drunk at Rutgers? I'm trying to order my fat sandwhich and your busy screaming in my ear...I bet you probably drank only 3 beers and had to throw 5's you pussy.
To the two fat bitches who were screaming the lyrics and dancing to Lil John's "Get Low" in the new Livi dining hall: NEVER AGAIN! I almost threw up after I saw you. You are neither hot nor on tempo with the song. I felt like the Nazis in the Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark when they opened the Ark....I felt like my face was gonna melt out of shear disgust
To the little shit in that hand-me-down orange hoody, shorts, and flipflops in last week's rain: I don't know what freshman-level elective class you just failed the exam for to put you in the mood to be a bitchass pussy, but tell your drug dealer to stop lacing your shit with whatever made you think it was a good idea to antagonistically cross the street in front of me on Cook purposefully slowly when I clearly saw you and stopped for you--OR what made you think that your puny, stringy little form could possibly fuck with whoever was in the car that you belligerently planted yourself squarely in front of my bumper and told us to "fuck off". Who do you think you are? I've passed post-Brower turds more threatening than you.
(Dolphins beanie? Go the hell back to Florida, ) To that sexy hot guy that rides a light blue motorcycle parked in front of CERC. I looove hardcore bikers and I think you're kinda cute. I couldn't believe it when you rode in the SNOW we had that one time. Take me for a ride and maybe you can take me for a ride on your bike after ;-).
Wednesday, November 30th, 2011
(Have the decency to do that stuff in your room if you must. Its not welcome at Tillet Memorial Dining Hall) to the asshole who said shit in the personals last week about that kid in 20th century, go fuck yourself. he clearly has aspergers or something along those lines so i hope you still think you're the shit after making fun of a kid with a mental disability. once again, go fuck (I know that pedestrians yourself. have the right of way, but there should be a natural Dear stalker looking at selection law that trumps my iPhone and iPod people’s stupidity. If you are touch. Thanks for taking dumb enough to stand in the effort in emailing this the street and think “How personal in. Wow I never dare you drive where I’m knew someone could be walking” you might want so anal and judge some- to just give up) one on something as stu- To the hipster douche pid as this!! You wouldn't who decided to play the take free items??? ENTIRE Gogol Bordello (Well thats one way of looking at it) --Dear preppy bitch standing next to me.... don't get snippy about me not cheering evrygoddamn play when you can't even give me our team's record To the bitch in pink who, when asked politely to move on the bus said, “I don’t want to” -- well i’m sure you don’t want to be bitchslapped either but some day someone will not take too kindly to your blatant selfishness. Signed, your foul mouthed conscience (Keepin it classy by holding your tongue)
album on the jukebox at Ale n' Wich the other night. I've heard better music coming from my toilet after a bean burrito breakfast. I only wanted to play one song, but instead I had to wait through an hour of Kazakhstani-gypsi-punkindie music or whatever the fuck you overly-critical bastards call it . Seriously, that shit was so bad I almost threw up my watered-down, overpriced beer. If it wasn't for that cute girl in the flannel shirt you would have ruined my night. Thanks asswipe!
ART OR ORGY: YOU DECIDE
As seen in Montreal. Its one of those things that you have to stop, go what the hell, snap a photo, and keep on walking. Take it to mean what ever you want. All I know is it was weird trying to buy gas there from an “Esso Station”, and having to brush up on my French really really fast just to order a decent meal. OH CRAP THE SEMERSTER IS ALMOST OVER Wow, you people must have been pissed the hell off over the break because our inbox was quite full, sooooo good for you! Nothing about Thanksgiving though which is disappointing. Crazy stuff usually happens on Thanksgiving, but I guess this year was pretty bland. Last year I watched a meth lab explode in Southwest Florida. Like legit. Literally as I was driving by, the concrete wall blew out of a cheap motel next to the highway. Now that’s the meaning of Thanksgiving; thankful for not being that dumbass in the hotel. A year or two before that a chainsaw was dropped on the table followed by “Who’s trimming the bird?” Anyway enough of the holiday talk, its back to the exams and stuff. Channel your anger into everything around you, and submit personals! And now we play the waiting game.....
themedium.personals@gmail.com
To the car with a peace sign bumper sticker, the five of you are the biggest cum dumpsters I've ever seen. It's pretty dumb to not stop at a stop sign, it's fucking retarded to GO FASTER before you pass the stop sign. and you have to be blind, deaf, old, female, and asain to come a split second away from running me over at a crosswalk. I hope Dear Biddie I fucked last you crash head on with a friday, gasoline truck and burn I don't even know how slowly in a gas, make-up, I found your hole. Your and STD fueled fireball pussy was so hairy it (You could just pull the you fucking cunts. looked like there was a Fuck your shit, fuck your plug on the jukebox and squirrel sleeping upon it. shit, fuck your shit, fuck (The five of who? Its a perwalk away,. Or hit it like sonal about a car with a Seriously shave. your shit, fuck your shit, Fonzie that’ll show em) bumper sticker. Be more Black Friday, Blue Mon- fuck your shit, fuck your specific about who the cumshit, fuck your shit, fuck day Look at my horse dumpster is ) your shit fuck your shit
To my thesis: if I was in the real world, the way I was obsessing over you would be considered crazy, neurotic and bizzare. But, I’m in college so nobody cares! Seriously, my craziness doesn’t phase anyone! (Writing a thesis? You poor bastard, although ill probably be in the same position relatively soon. Damnit) To the song on my ipod that skips, I guess that old cd mustve had scratches on it when I copined it to my itunes because an mp3 player doesn’t just skip on its own. Damn you eternal skip (First world problems much?) My horse is amazing
PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 30th, 2011
“Some balls are held for charity and some for fancy dress, but when they’re held for pleasure they’re the balls that I like best.”
WORD
SENTENCE
To the muslim girl at the Alexander computer lab: how the fuck many things do you have to print? You stood at the screen for like 20 fucking minutes just clicking shit over and over while the line grew and grew. Have some fucking common courtesy and don't hog the fucking printer, bitch. Oh and by the way, your hijab smells like a camel's ass. cant wait to read all the sad jokes about the sandusky/psu/childabuse case in The Medium this week.... p.s. Im gonna miss JoePa -Terd Ferguson Congrats to #17 Coleman and #18 Harrison for finally catching passes for the first time in their lives. All that individual work finally paid off. Proving the longtime canundrum: with practice, blind squirrels can find a nut. -TinsMaestro (Maybe now they could go play for the Eagles, they really could use the help.) can someone please put Biruta in psych therapy or somethin, kids depressed. i dont know why; hes white and is playing d1 basketball. given he is foreign as are 99.9% of white bball players at the d1 and nba levels. nevertheless he is part of a special group, and instead of being social, he mopes around like hes ashamed because someones blackmailing him with pics of him wackin it to gay porn or somthin....cheer up mothafuck -SillyStreaker Why do you make it so obvious that you literally got off a boat from the Oriental 2 days before you started work, spent the next day spent all your yen on the one hollister outfit you wear every fucking class. Cant understand you, you wear the same thing 24/7, and continue to trip and wipeout on the little cabinet on the floor that hasnt moved since we been here...get help pronto -Bill Brasky
To Spiderman & Batman, I detest both of u fuckwads, what the fuck possessed u to take my gangster hat then run away..... Really bitches did u think i wasn't going to chase after u to get it back, both of u idiots are lucky batman dropped it as he saw me running towards him because if I caught up with u; I would have butt fucked spiderman with my heel and made batman suck every bit of shit off of it... I hope both of u tall hideous assholes get kicked in the balls and pushed into a speeding vehicle on College Ave so u can have a big audience... Yours Truly, Moofasa >:) P.S. Next time try to pick on someone your own size pussies, because then it won't be as embarrassing as getting fucked up by a short girl; atleast try to find a walrus or giraffe looking bitch if u're going to mess wit a chick. (When did Simba’s dad become a superhero? Are you going to use your stampede of wildebeest (YES that is how it is spelled, I looked it up assholes) attack against Batman? Dumbass, Batman doesn’t give a fuck about wildebeest and Mufasa died at the end of that scene.) Tiny, frail, weak little kid who walks in 40 minutes late, wears undershirt and saggin shorts and flips to make it seem like u just got outta bed, plus the floating backwards yankees hat and ugly earrings...all that for ur “swag”...u need help. serious help. here, let me behead u with my crutches real quick. -DasAlbsta
PHRASE
It's nice out today, and this is a really good spot to sit. Hey look! A bee landed on my backpack. It actually doesn't look deadly. It's just walking around, chillin. It looks so coo- OH MY GOD IT JUST TOOK A SHIT ON MY BACKPACK! WHAT THE FUCK, BRO! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I would smack the shit out of you right now, but THERE'S ALREADY PLENTY OF BEE SHIT ON MY BAG! And I don't want to look stupid. You think you can just fuckin land on MY backpack and drop a deuce, and then just lay there like nothing happened? What the hell man? I decided not to kill you and that's how you repay me? Why can't you go land on that chick's bag, over there? It's probably more comfortable! You would have a MORE COMFORTABLE SHIT OVER THERE, little fucker! GET THE FUCK OFF MY BAG! Now I gotta get my towel out and clean that shit! Bumblebees man, fuckin' ridiculous! (I think this is the first animal-related personal that I’ve ever seen that didn’t involve having sex with said animal. Although I’ve never heard of bees taking a shit on someone before. I remember one time I was high and stepped on a wasp, talk about a buzzkill.) Dear Mattia Roommate, This is the last fucking time that I want to walk in on you masturbating to pictures of goats online. I mean WTF, why goats? Squirrels are so much cuter. Plus goats To West Virginia, you can have beards, is this your suck my dick. But don’t way of telling me you’re judge me its only small a faggot? But in all sericuz its fucking freezing ousness if this happens out. My girlfriend says again before I get my that in warm weather room changed, I am tellit’s the largest she’s ever ing everyone about your seen. And she’s been freaky fetish. with so many dudes, I (Case in point...back to the mean she’s already in the animal fucking again. Also, anyone else notice that 8th grade. goats seem to be the animal (You trust a vagina like of choice for people who fuck that? Hope you wrap that animals? Just saying peoshit up tight.) ple...)
the Medium
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA Okay, I have a personal for this week for all of you... To all of you smug, self-righteous assholes who give me dirty looks while I’m outside trying to enjoy a fucking cigarette: take your (blank) and shove it far enough up your ass to come out of your mouth. When I am done suffering through this daily routine that we have decided to call going to class, I find it to be incredibly relaxing to walk out of Scott Hall, pull a lovely flammable stick from my pack of Camel Turkish Golds (fuck you for judging), pull out my protable flame creator and light that little fucker up and take in some hot air, breathe deeply and exhale, joyfully watching the smoke as it comes out of my mouth. What I do NOT need from you non-smoking assholes are your dirty looks of judgment and condescending glances just because of my chosen method of stress relief. Yes, I know cigarettes are bad for me and no I do not give a shit. You reminding me of that fact is not going to change my opinion on the subject. In fact, it will likely earn you a nice cloud of my smoke in your face. Want me to stop smoking cigarettes? Lobby for legalizing pot. Until then, fuck off and leave me and my fellow smokers the hell alone. And to my fellow smokers, if you ever see an attractive, dark curly-haired and beareded guy puffing on a cigarette outside of Records Hall, the RSC or Scott Hall, give me a shout! Solidarity, yo! TheMedium.Personals@gmail.com 1 more week of The Medium this semester, tell us how much you hate your roommate before it’s too late! ~Satanic Yoda, Senior Personals Editor
UNFUNNY ONES
MORE UNFUNNY
To that loud, obnoxious guy in my film class who always talks during movies: this isn’t The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Shut the fuck up unless there’s a fire in the building.
To those who cannot handle their liquor: at least wait until you get to the party to throw up. Wasting your and my night by passing out on the floor at 9:30 is untimely and inconsiderate. (Yes and you being boring is inconsiderate to me and my readers.) To the jackass special teams coach of RU football and slightly cooler Coach Schiano...rly? gonna leave SanSan Te in there to miss more field goals? and the kickoff guy? have we gotten a touchback yet? no, we’ve lost the lead in the big east because we couldnt beat shitty louisville after missing field goals. Put Nick DeLouisa in ya dumbasses. This is an unfunny personal that I had to write to fill up this blob of white. Please send me funny stuff so I don’t have to be unfunny to make a point that I can’t fill all this space this week.
To all the girls who don’t understand math: I need you for ratios to get into parties. Also, one cup of vodka is not equivalent to a cup of beer. To the bitch who had me kicked out of a frat house by her boyfriend for absolutely no reason: sorry for not being a big enough douche-bag to deserve your respect. To the bus driver that saw me running toward the bus, yet still drove away: I know you may not have ever gotten an education, but some people need to get to class. (Sorry to burst your bubble but he really does not give two shits about you being late to class. You’re just a boil on his backside...oh man oldschool disses!!!)
WINE & LIFESTYLE
Wednesday, November 30th, 2011
“NO, DADDY, DONT DO IT, PLEASE DON’T HIT ME”
ARTICLE
MUSIC
Ways to Fuck with Your Douchebag TA By Supa Krupa Troopa
FACTS SNAKE FACTS by: Wikipedia
1. A snake can eat something that weighs 160% as much as the snake does. 2. Most types of snakes only have one functioning lung. The shape of a snake has demanded that its organs are thing and long, the lung that is non-functioning is the left lung. 3. A snake’s heart is encased in a sac and is allowed to move around thanks to a lack of diaphragm, 4. Contrary to popular belief, getting bit by a snake multiple times does not make you less sensitive to their venom. Getting bitten multiple times actually makes you more sensitive to the snake’s venom, perhaps even hyper-allergic.
Is your TA the biggest dick you’ve ever met? Here are some ways to dick back!
1. Use his personal email to sign him up for gay porn sites or granny porn sites....or whatever tickles your fancy that particular day. 2. Write a note to your professor saying you are so passionate about academia that you wish not to be compensated and to have your tuition remission removed immediately... and sign it as your TA. 3. Leave your TA a dirty love note
with nude pictures that do not show anyone’s face. These pictures should be so generic that they could be of almost any girl in the class but make sure you sign the note as the most annoying whorebag in class who doesn’t stop yapping.
4. Bake weed or eye drops or hydrochloric acid into cookies and send them to his mother and sign it as your TA’s name 5. Fuck him. Because that is the title of this list after all.
MUSIC SHOWDOWN Who is the bigger titan of music? Send your votes now to themedium.shakin@ gmail.com. (And any ideas you may have for my page ;)) Provide a compelling argument and you just might get a prize. The legendary drummer and songwriter who was hired by Disney to do music for Tarzan. Also a favorite of murderer, Patrick Bateman . PHIL COLINS. VS. BILLY JOEL, the man, the legend, the person who didn’t start the fire. A man, so great he was even hired by Disney to star in Oliver and Company. This man just don’t give a shit, he’s the piano man.
MENTAL DISORDER WORD SEARCH
5.Snakes have scales and are reptiles. 6. Snakes are carnivores.
A N O R E X I A E A K N M
A Y W I L E T I A L L E T
W E O H Y R O E L D E V A
A L D T M D N S Z N P E H
G L A A T N S U H A T T T
O A S E A A E A E N O A S
R V C D K B R C I I M H K
A E H F O U E T M T A T N
P B I P O L A R E S N G I
H H H I O I H F R A I N H
O T S N L M T E S L A O T
B N E S A I E L E P I L A
I W H O
E A Z H P I C A M
A O T M K E I C B C H O A
I D F N A F L U E B G S M
S C H I Z O P H R E N I A
S K N A R C O L E P S Y Y
A L O O T I A M V N U N M
AGORAPHOBIA, ALZHEIMERS, ANOREXIA, BIPOLAR, BULIMIA, INSOMNIA, KLEPTOMANIA, NARCOLEPSY, PICA, SCHIZOPHRENIA MAZE
Pokemon maze! Get to the Middle!
YOUR WEEKLY ALBUM REVIEW
Dntel Life Is Full Of Possibilities by Maxwell Freedman on 11/27/2011
The album that led to the formation of the Postal Service, and thus the use of “Such Great Heights” in infinitely many commercials, remains a classic in electronic music ten years after its initial release. In 2001, this album sounded unlike anything and anyone else; in 2011, some have come close to replicating Dntel’s signature glitches and distant guest vocals, but none have exactly succeeded. This recently released deluxe edition/re-release comes with two discs: the golden-as-ever original album and a bonus CD. Filled with remixes and unreleased tracks, the second disc serves as a nice complement to the original album, but does not exceed it in any way nor does it break any new ground. In fact, all these years later, Life Is Full of Possibilitiessounds newer and more individual than so much of the music that actually is. Buscemi’s here somewhere...