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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
ASIAN PEOPLE DOING SMART STUFF
LIVINGSTON SOLAR FARM POWERS SMALL CALCULATOR BY EC BLOODN’GUTS STAFF WRITER
LIVINGSTON—A Rutgers research team announced yesterday that the Livingston solar farm had generated enough power to operate a Casio calculator. Cheers erupted as the lead researcher, Dr. Wu-Tang Hsiung, turned the calculator upside down, typed “shell,” and to everyone’s delight, deleted the s. The calculator, an LC-820 circa 1976, was operable for a full two minutes. While a huge milestone for the scientific community, the achievement has been long overdue for the multimillion-dollar solar farm. “Not very much sunlight comes through to Livingtson Campus,” explained Dr. Hsiung. “According to our estimates, Livingston’s location at the edge of the world is at a latitude which tangentially obscures the sun’s rays.” He added, “Any light that does reach the area is further obstructed by the Louis Brown Athletic Center, a towering monolith that absorbs sunlight and human emotions.” However, Rutgers, not being a school to back down in the face of futility, has invested several million ad-
HERR YEAH!
Livingston asians proudly celebrate their hard work and achievement CENTER: Dr. Hsiung holds up the calculator in triumphant victory
ditional dollars to enhance the sensitivity of the solar panels. The next phase, according to the research team, is to harness enough of the sun’s energy to power a 30-watt light-bulb. Such a development will “greatly improve one’s ability to see
inside when it is sunny outside,” according to a grant proposal by Hsiung’s team. “Our long term goals are to shed our dependence on the sun, and efficiently substitute solar power with which to heat the world,” said Hsiung.
CIVIL FIGHTS
LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS RALLY AGAINST PERSECUTION BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVENUE—The Association of Student Slackers, ASS, is currently staging a protest on College Avenue. This is a developing story. ASS is the student group representing all liberal arts majors. They are reportedly “tired of being labeled as unproductive detriments to society” and are protesting in order to raise slacker awareness. Members of ASS run the gambit, but especially prominent are students of communication, sociology, and philosophy. “Our degrees are worth more than your silly practical science pursuits,” posited Eric Knecht, an SAS senior majoring in history and economics. “While we’re learning how to think and critically analyze, you science dweebs are learning how to actually do shit! That’s so boring!” Emotions have been running high all day, but as of press
50¢
November 4th, 2009
Volume xl Issue iX
time, no casualties have been reported. Many groups have been hosting counter-rallies, including the Busch Organization of Biology (BOOB). “These idiotic hipstards have caused trouble for way too long, and this crosses the line,” said Sean Yeager, a junior majoring in astrochemistry. “We are going to crush them today.” BOOB isn’t the only one to oppose ASS. Governor Jon Corzine promised that, if elected, he would work to rid Rutgers of the esteemed philosophy program. “A philosophy degree makes you feel awesome, costs a lot of money, and ultimately renders you useless to society,” said Corzine at a press conference yesterday. “It’s just another drug, as far as I’m concerned. And drugs are bad.” Added Corzine, “Elect me, stat.” However, the liberal arts majors aren’t going down without PROTEST THIS! a fight. At 5 p.m. today, three reJeff Cupo, a cracked out ligion majors will perform a live philosophy major, makes a stand. auto-cremation.
Hub City’s Official Bathroom Reader ESTABLISHED 1970
NEWS QUICKIES
Freshman not really sure what to major in, at this point FRELINGHUYSEN—Despite coming to college fully prepared for a degree in anthropolitical theosophysics, freshman Aaron Mazie is having second thoughts. Mazie says his current course load is “too quaint.” “I just hate studying the particulars of Charlie Parker’s renowned account of ornithological paradigms,” said Mazie. “It’s just like, who gives a shit?” Like most other idealistic freshman, he wants to sculpt his mind, with little or no regard to real-world applications. “I really wanted to challenge myself in college,” he continued, “but it’s also super-important for me to find my niche and totally love what I’m doing.” Added Mazie, “I’ve always wanted to be a rock star, so I might just study geology.”
POLITICS
Newly-elected city council vows to fight homeless BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—In a rare moment of clarity and unanimity, City Council members at last night’s town hall meeting agreed that they would focus all their efforts on fighting the homeless in Hub City. Perhaps motivated by recent elections, council members hope their aggressive stance will discourage people from attempting homelessness and will encourage affluent shoppers to return to the city. “Homelessness is an epidemic that has taken control of New Brunswick,” posited councilman Joe Egan. “We need to beat these suckers to the ground, and get them the fuck out of Dodge.” Added Egan, “Homeless people smell bad, anyway.” The effort was originally a typo in a policy brief presented by the Bloustein School at Rutgers University, but upon further consideration, which did not include reading the contents of the report, council members decided it was a serendipitous error from the Great continued, “PAIN IN THE BUM,” page 2
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
“Some people don’t know what it’s like to fuck on acid. ”
TECHNOLOGY
STEVE JOBS’ BRAIN TO BE UPLOADED ONTO iMORTAL BY TORGO VAN PELT
STAFF WRITER
CUPERTINO, CA—Apple announced a new business strategy in regards to ailing CEO Steve Jobs, where the mind of the technological and business genius will be ripped from his carbon-based body and uploaded onto the iMortal, a portable and carbon-neutral device which will allow him to control all operations of the company with an unfeeling, all-seeing eye. Apple’s actions make it clear they are afraid of a future without its founder, innovator, and marketing guru. “We’ve been through an era without Jobs once, in the 80s and 90s,” explained Apple COO Timothy Cook, “It didn’t go that well for us. Just look at the Macintosh Portable. That piece of shit would have never happened if he were around. Now, with concerns for his health, we needed a backup plan now more than ever.” As per Jobs’ orders, he will have the procedure done on Saturday morning. Early estimates of the duration of
ACHIEVEMENT OF A LIFETIME
Steve Jobs with his latest gadget
the procedure are three hours and two disks. Upon finish, his body will be disposed of, because in his words, “My body is now as pointless as the instruction manual for setting up the iMac.” Jobs’s brain will gain new func-
tionality. He will be able watch over the entire Apple workforce, and personally pipe opinions to any employee at any time, adding more strength to his hands-on managing style. Also, his brain will operate 300 times faster than
SWEET VICTORY
BUSCH DINING HALL SUCCESSFULLY DEFEATS SWINE FLU LEFT: The preemptive handiwork of the BDH employee saves lives
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
BUSCH—After months of panic and concern, the H1N1 Virus, formerly known as “Swine Flu” was successfully trapped and quarantined by workers
Got an article? A headline idea? A dead baby joke?
According to eyewitness accounts, Grant had noticed a student who was constantly coughing and hacking into a napkin in between bites of his food. At that point, the six-year veteran’s training and instincts kicked
A bad cough? A gay step-dad? A reason to live?
A left testicle? A fat ass joint? A hot date?
in as she viciously removed the napkin from the student’s hand, threw it to the ground, and surrounded it with homeland security-grade caution tape. “She just came out of nowhere! I think she vaulted the cereal bins and slid headfirst down the salad bar, said Jermey Watson, SEBS sophomore. “I jizzed myself, it was that intense!” The infected student, Rebecca Kowalski, was unable to be reached for comment as she had disappeared in the confusion of the event and has now been missing for 5 days. “Now ain’t that weird? I remember grabbing her and dragging her away after I secured the area, but I don’t know where she went after that,” said Grant while ladling out the prepared dish of the day. Added Grant, “So how many student...I mean meat chunks would you like?”
A penchant for prunes? A malignant tumor? A yellow cunt?
A bogue? A set of gills? ASTEROIDS?
Submit it all to news@themedium.net Editorial Staff Fall 2009
F
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Ryan Buttacavoli Paul Winters
News Editors Abe Stanway Kaitie Davis Features Editor Keith Lawrence Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen Arts Editor Katie Russian Personals Editor Dave Imbriaco
before, is three times smaller, and has a battery life of 7 hours. Already, Apple technicians are calling the iMortal “the killer app that conquers the human brain market for good.” Already Apple fanboys are clamoring for a stab at the iMortal. “Anything Apple does is automatically better than what those MicroNazis can cook up,” exclaimed MacWorld Magazine editor Jason Snell. “I want this product, whatever it’s called!” The iMortal will be released to the general public pending experimentation and approval from the FDA and FCC, which is expected to happen just in time for the 2010 holiday season. Despite the fact that this procedure has never been tried on anyone, human or animal, Apple is enthusiastic. “With Jobs’ brain in this device, Apple will have no direction to go in the future but up, high in the sky. Maybe someday, 15% of the PC market share will be ours.” He then added, “Unless the hard drive fails, in which case we’re pretty much fucked.”
“PAIN IN THE BUM,” continued from front Secular Force of Noteworthy Power, Which Closes Doors On Only Mildly Windy Days, And Loves Democrats. “I never even thought of it before!” said councilman Joe Egan. “But this is the most direct approach to reducing homlessness in New Brunswick.” Initially, council members laid out plans to hire a street patrol consisting of professional cage fighters, but after reviewing the city’s finances, they determined the city money would be better spent on reelection campaigns. Instead, the politicians themselves will combat the homeless, hitting the streets and the people living on the streets. Council members are very enthusiastic over the campaign. “We’re gonna tackle this homeless problem once and for all!” said Bob Recine. “It’s a great opportunity for me to brush off my old football skills back when I was at Yale.” Already, council aids have begun developing promotional material for the campaign. Preliminary slogans include “Kicking homeless to the curb, and possibly in the nuts” and “The political machine-- now a political fighting machine!” Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Staff Photographer Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Carmella Luczak Mike Vuono Erinn Koerner Tim Swanson Barbara Reed Ass-burger
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its authors. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to koi fish, the unfathomable table, and two large green lawn chairs.
FEATURES
Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
“We’re in Bat Country”
THE MEDIUM
THE MEDIUM IS PROUD
T H I S W E E K
TO PRESENT TO YOU:
DRUNKEN STORY OF THE WEEK It was about 3 in the morning, and I was drunk. Stumbling back to my dorm, I see friends about to leave for pizza. I also see a bro working the game on a very attractive Asian girl who happened to be a good friend of mine. I decided he was a douchebag, and I decided that he wasn’t getting ass tonight. After failing to get her girlfriends to cockblock the bro, I took matters into my own hands. Over a slice of buffalo chicken pizza, I assume the role of a very openly gay man. The conversation invariably turns to my alleged homosexuality, and I get the bro to say the worst possible nuggets in front of his broad. Highlights included:
O N L Y
WHERE’s WALDO? CAN YOU FIND HIM?
Bro: “Gays are ok, if they’re in France,” Bro: “I had a gay friend once, but he’s not my friend anymore.” Me: “Why? Because he’s gay?” Bro: “No, because he’s in France.” Bro: “I’m glad I’m not gay!” (nudges Asian with half-ass smirk. She looks at him in disgust.) Me: “You’re a douchebag toolbox.” Bro: “Yeah.” Mind you, this kid was a jacked ass lacrosse player, and I’m this shrimpy little fuck. But I had the power. It felt fucking awesome. I could say whatever I wanted. I was invincible around little miss Asian. Once I realized this, I took full advantage. I completely eviscerate this kid. Me: “Hey!” Bro: “Huh?”
SPOILER ALERT:
Me: “Fuck you.”
Paranormal Activity
Asian: (hearty laugh) Bro: (head in hands) We finish up at Pizza City, and I’m over the moon. Back at the dorms, Asian goes inside and douchebag is left sniveling outside. I had won. Well, not quite. It turns out that Asian snuck out an hour later and fucked him in Frelinghuysen. Oh well. At least she had the courtesy to not do it in our dorm.]
Submit Your Own Drunken Stories! (You must write them while drunk)
CAUGHT THE ACT:
Grape Ape taking a dump off of the Empire State Building
HANNA BARBERA CARTOONS
Squiddly Diddly upstages Taylor Swift at the
Wally Gator surprises the pack of
2009 MTV’s VMAs
Wildebeests before he eats one
What’s Better: MLIA or FML...results next week...features@themedium.net
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED
November 4th, 2009
“I don’t fucking care”
So Nice of You to Drop In Mr. Bond, Please Have a Seat by Henry Von Financialrecovery Well well well Mr. Bond, it appears that you are getting sloppier the more time passes. Isn’t it enough that you had the gall to break one of my most treasured computers? I feel as though Operation Death From Tomorrow’s Dying wouldn’t be quite as fulfilling if you had just kept your little agency’s nose out of my private business. Regardless of whatever MI-6 attempts, the plan is in motion and my satellites are set to wreak havoc on the world’s financial giants. Oh, their faces when they realize that all of
their money has been turned into a papery poison that will bring about a new world order. Of course, with the leaders of this pathetic world incapacitated, it will be time for Henry Von Financialrecovery to step in and propose that we adopt a solution. Not just any solution, but rather, one I have drafted personally. The world will shower me with accolades and elect me its savior. Fact of the matter is, I could care less for the slobbering people. For after I accept my throne of power, I will use lasers to melt the world’s
ice caps plunging the wretched into a new water age from which I will use more lasers to freeze the water up again. The people will respect and adore me, solidifying my place as a god. God Henry Von “Useslasersinanyplanafterfinancialrecoveryhasbeenachieved” Financialrecovery. Nice ring to it wouldn’t you say Mr. Bo… Mr. Bond? Where did he go!? Idiots! Search the grounds! I want him dead! Launch the satellites! Fuck, fuck, fuck, not again! Shit!
Apparently, Representative Democracy Now Equals Reverse Racism by Torgo Van Pelt When a political campaign is underway, you see the signs of it anywhere. Not only on TV, but also on the radio, on billboards, lawn signs, through people canvassing door to door, the windows of businesses, and on the wheelchairs of paraplegics. But most of all in the opinion pages of daily newspapers, which is where a lot of the debate on whether or not to switch New Brunswick to a ward-based city council has been. This debate has heated up immensely in The Daily Targum in recent weeks. There have been many good opinions written supporting both sides, but I’d like to focus on two opinions written by supporters of Unite New Brunswick’s view that the current at-large council should be expanded because these two have the stupidest logic I’ve ever seen. Remember that whole hilarious logic based on that coincidental correlation that drownings increase when sales of ice cream go up? Well, the two authors use that theoretical argument unironically. In October 16’s Targum, one of the writers made an argument against the wards camp based on the logic that impoverished cities like Newark, Camden, and Plainfield have ward systems in place. Never mind whatever economic struggles,
racial tensions, and land development polices are in place in these cities, the reason they are all terrible are because of wards. The opinion from September 21 isn’t much better. The author makes the argument that St. Louis is a shitty city because of wards, and New Brunswick isn’t because it doesn’t have a ward system. Of course, the article does a lot of simplification. She ignores the Rust Belt problems St. Louis has, as well as well as the pharmaceutical and job advantages of Hub City. Plus, she uses the superb downtown as an example for the awesomeness of the current council, ignoring the problems in other neighborhoods. And she also ignores the facts that nearby Piscataway and Franklin have ward-based systems. Neither townships are shitholes, and wards fit Franklin’s diverse population like a glove. Yes, I am a strong supporter of the goals of Empower Our Neighborhoods, so I’m not the most unbiased source on this issue. But I do sort of understand your concerns, so if either of you want to stop by the next Wednesday meeting of The Medium, I am willing to give you a rock. Whenever I have this rock, I never have to deal with crime, so for the right price, I am willing to
give you this rock, so you no longer have worry about dealing with those scary Negroes and Mexicans you fear.
Dear Digit Man, Getting a girl’s number really isn’t a great achievement nowadays. It’s all about circumstances. If you chilled with her all night and she was soberish, then yes, call her back and take her to bubble tea. If, however, she was ass drunk and you happened to play one game of pong with her before she ran off and started humping the keg, then you probably shouldn’t call her back. She either won’t re-
member you, or she’ll groan and think, “Why is this creeper still all up in my grill?” All “getting her number” means is that you’ve been given a possible future opportunity to continue where you left off that night. If you didn’t feel she had any serious interest in you, you can bet she’ll refuse to meet you later on. If you did sense interest, you’re an idiot for not capitalizing and taking care of business right then and there. Your aim should never be to get a girl’s number. You aim should be to fuck her within an hour of meeting her. Getting just a number is a second place finish, and as Ricky Bobby’s dad once said, “If you ain’t first, you’re last!”
Even though Hurtado doesn’t give out excuse letters. That sounds real fucking safe, dragging your disgusting flu-ridden corpse to a laboratory class, coughing into the test tubes and the beakers, not only fucking up your lab but also everyone else’s immune systems. When you’re sick, you can’t just sit in bed all day and get well, you have to go to class after class, delaying your recovery. So before when you would have skipped two days of class and gotten better, instead you’re going to class every day and remain sick for a week or two. Your work is shoddier than it already was
(and it WAS shoddy) and you’re sneezing and cold and miserable. But buck up kid, just don’t do anything risky that’ll get you sick. Like drink too much, or exchange fluids with random strangers, or touch your hand to your eyes or mouth without washing them, or eating strange foods, or pretty much everything fun about being in college. That’s right, being in college increases your risk of becoming ill more anything else, and the administration acts as if you can’t get sick. I hope you can fit Hurtado into your busy schedule this cold and flu season.
Dear Zayin, I was working this girl last Saturday at a party, and I got her number. What do I do now? -The Digit Man
From the desk of the Editor-in-Chief
Remember when you used to look forward to getting sick? When you would wait for your mom to take your temperature, and pray it was past 100ºF so you could skip school? That was awesome. Did you know that when you graduate, and enter the workforce, you’d be able to “call in sick”? You may have been able to do so already if you have, or had a job recently. However, this is the point in your life where getting sick is the absolute worst. You can’t skip class if you’re sick, and if you do skip, you need to actually prove that you were sick. With a doctor’s note.
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Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
ARTS
“I’m a lil’ gangsta short in size, a T-shirt and Levi’s is my only disguise...”
FUCK
THE MEDIUM
THE MEDIUM
To the wigger douche bag who decided to stay and chat with on Hamilton street Halloween night; thank you for only punching my rooommate only once and calling him a pussy faggot bitch, and then stomping off. To that skank on the L, real classy that you puked on some chick’s shoe. Guess you can’t hold your liquor bitch. BTW, everyone on the bus knew you sucked dick, you also puked out the cum you swallowed.
Thank you women for being moderatley intelligfent eith your costumes this year. There where only a small amount of sluts this year... (Really? Are you sure you where at Rutgers?) To the stupid fucking cunt in my expos class; Nobody cares that you have a hardon for the professor (who happens to look like an Italian leprechaun). I don’t care about your stupid $30 tan, you spoiled pathetic whore. Stop trying to ride everyone’s dick with your shriveled roast beef vag. Nobody wants to hear your wack-ass opinion on the paper since you always come off as an idiot. Go choke on a dick in a tanning bed. Bitch. To the bitch from Skinny Vinnies who said me and my friends looked fat in our costumes: REALLY? Have you fucking looked in a mirror lately you morbidly obese whore? I mean I understand if you were a skinny bitch trying trying to boost your anorexic self esteem, but you actually looked like you weighed more than all of me and my friends combined. What was your stupid ass costume again? A cow dressed as a tranny slut? And did you try chasing after us when we told you to fuck off? I thought I felt the ground shake... Happy Halloween, Porker. (That, is absoulutely awesome! I wish I would have been there to see that! What a bitch! Haha...) I think my dick is getting bigger.Usually when I take a piss only the tip hits the water, but now the whole head gets submerged. Its becoming a problem when I have to take a shit
PERSONALS “Oh look! A house made of healthy snacks!” To the girl with the creepy bug eyes and ugly dyke hair cut. No one gives a fuck what your sexuality is today. I?M BI, I’M GAY, I LOOOOVE DICK. NO ONE CARES. Do you really think people like you? I’m seriously I’m concerned about your ability to distinguish reality from fantasy. Please stop associating yourself with me. No I don?t want you next to me on the bus, you dumb fuck-hole. I’m embarrassed to even have you in my sight line. Go the fuck away. To the hippie bitch I saw at the monster mash; What was your costume? Smelly hobo? Take a fucking shower. This is for kids...you’re scaring them. To that dirty rapist I met at some party last week. GET your disguising syphilis ridden hands OFF my friend. NO, for the tenth time, she will not dance with you. Using “Okay I’ll be back” as an exit strategy, and actually coming back only makes you look more pathetic. You To the girl I thought was chill make me sick. I’m so glad living on my floor; Why the STDs aren’t airborne you fuck are your friends nasty shithead. retarded? It makes it really Screaming is a wonderful hard to like you knowing thing: when you’re in danthat you socialize with comger of being killed. To the plete fucktards. You have bitches around Douglass that got to have the worst taste start shrieking and yelling as in friends I’ve ever seen and soon as the sun falls; Shut the half of mine are in jail. Oh fuck up. Unless you’re beand stop talking about your ing raped, murdered, or eaten life. Everyone stopped alive by rabid deer, I don’t caring. want to hear you and your Dear science kid, nobody shrill voices coming from gives a flying FUCK that my window. Actually, I don’t you are “good at every wanna hear you even then. science.” Just because you Do us all a favor and shut up, are the treasurer of the ani- chill out, and stop acting like mal science club doesn’t bitches in heat. You disgust give you the right to wear me. aviators INSIDE THE Dear Smelly Indians from BUILDING. You look like w Allen Hall; Do you have a faggot and nobody buys any respect for any one else your threesome stories. If that lives on this fucking only your dick was as big floor? Every fucking night as your ego. Unfortunately all of you congregate in the neither will get you into vet lounge like bats out of hell school. and sound like you have cum Justin is the new Jared. stuck in your smelly Indian To the douchefag who de- throats. I don’t what “quiet cided to bitch at me last hours” mean from where week;Your article was the you’re from but here, in worst fucking piece of litera- America, it means “shut the ture I have ever read. I have fuck up, I’m trying to sleep.” a strict policy of not publish- So please, do us all a favor ing anything that resembles and 1.) take a shower 2.) a composted banana peel. No brush your teeth 3.) shut the exceptions. Unless there’s a fuck up and 4) go back blowjob in it for me. to your country. Love, Aba Sababa To the old fucking busdriver who drove the f bus Thursday night; Thanks for fucking skipping Scott Hall and driving back to route 18 you cranky old fuck. Go fuck yourself you selfish prick! You left everyone on the bus wondering what the fuck was going on and then claimed you told us that you were skipping stops cuz you were running late. Have fun driving us all fucked up on Halloween you dirtbag. To the dumb ass pretentious bitch who sat with me at Neilson dining hall; I’m sorry but, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU and were the fuck are your eye lashes? If anyone needs to wear makeup, it’s you. Put some fucking mascara on you fugly twat. You don’t know shit about being a functioning member of society and YES, people in France are way better than you’ll ever be. PUT SOME FUCKING MASCARA ON.
Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
To the dude in my History if Italy’s people class who just gave up and feel asleep on his desk; I know exactly how you feel. You are awesome. To the bitch who practically stepped on me when I was walking to the Henderson apartments bus stop; Next time, I will fucking push your rude ass out into the intersection and laugh as you continually get hit by cars. Dear R, YOU ARE A FUCKIN ROMANIAN BASTARD. All you do is fucking complain about how this isn’t like your home country, well fuck off you stupid guido-like bastard. If possible I would snip your nuts off and feed them to some skinny person in Somalia and then burn it alive. If the fucking krauts did anything right during WW2 they would have threw you stupid ass bastards into Auschwitz. Go die in a fuckin fire please. Oh and one more thing, for gods sake stop with the fucking Axe. Jesus Christ, yourfuckin smell could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon 200 yards away. To the young urban man who was yelling out his car window at me on Halloween night while I was driving home; FUCK. YOU. I have no idea what the fuck you where saying but I really do not care. Whatever you where saying, I am pretty sure I could not dipher you ghetto speak. I hope you end up homeless and get AIDS you asshole.
To the annoying bitch in my Women/Culture class: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Did you ever stop to look around while your talking?! Noone is listening! Not to mention the obnoxious shrill of your voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. Everytime you open your mouth, I suddenly daydream of shoving pencils in my eardrums.Noone gives a shit about your favorite Disney movie, nor do we need a recap of last night’s episode of John and Kate Plus 8. And you like, use like, like every five seconds,so like can you like shut up? Thanks. (Pencils in your eardrums? Wow. She must be pretty awful...) To the stupid bitch who was pulled over at Frat Row; Yes, I was looking at you, and then laughing at the fact that you in fact, where pulled over. On Frat Row. To the girl at the Biel Road bus stop with the purple hair; It is obvious your parents don’t love you. To the asian who needed to use my id to print out her shit. Thanks for not fucking paying me back after you promised you would. I don’t actually care about the money, just the fact that you were so adamant about how you would contact me somehow and pay me back. I haven’t gotten any emails from you regarding this situation. You fucking suck so much, and you make me hate asians more than I already do. Fuck you, you piece of shit liar, I hope you go kill yourself To the black man who walks after reading this. You are an around with 80s haircut, absolute waste of life, and thick glasses, and crazy your mother should have had looking suits; Are you Andre an abortion when she was 3000? You brighten up my pregnant with you. day with your crazy fashions (Asian twat waffle. Haha) and Farnsworth Bentley umDear people who sit in front of brella... Frelinghuysen with their car in To the fat bitch in my Politics park and their speakers blastof Crim class; I was nice in ing; It’s Tuesday and 12:45 in the last in the last personal the morning. WE ALL DONT to shut your goddam dyke WANT TO HEAR YOUR mouth up, now I’m just har- SHITTY ASS MUSIC. We get boring thoughts of ways I can it, you’re a fucking tool. Frelkill you that both maximize inghuysen knows now, so go the hilarity of your death and to some other fucking buildmy own personal satisfaction. ing while people are trying to Suck a dick, you need one. sleep and bug the shit out of Dear iTunes; Please make them you stupid fucks. P.syour songs 99 cents again. your music sucks and is old. You are driving us to piracy. if I have to listen to successful To the kid standing by ABP one more time so help me God on the morning of Halloween I will come down there and around 9:30 with just white successfully puncture all 4 of face paint on; I think you’re your tires. doing it wrong....
Wednesday, nOvEmBeR 4th, 2009 I wanted to ride the LX, not the asian makeout express. this much contact on such a crowded bus should be grounds for assault. To the random girl who came with me to the party on Mine street on Halloween... gimme back my sock bitch. who steals socks? (Who’s dumb enough to give a random bitch your sock? Apparently you are. Oh, and speaking of dumb people...) To my roommate, who doesn’t know that you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave, doesn’t know how to do dishes, and eats loud enough to be heard down the hall. WTF? How does someone as retarded as you get into a state university? To the hot douche in my expos class who says he hopes to wear flip-flops all through winter: I hope your toes freeze off brah. (I hate people who say “brah”. Welcome to my hated people list, bitch.) to the girl with a constant stank face in solid gems, you tattoo fuckin scares the shit out of me. you are a rude ass bitch and everyone in class now knows that you know what the square root of 16 is. if you said it one more time my friend would have punched you in your ugly rude little face. To that blonde coke-head on my floor who wants to rip my hair out: I didn’t have to tell anyone that you’re a Crazy Bitch, EVERYONE figured it out themselves. Since when is getting high and hooking up dating? Are you some sort of crack whore? Honestly, no one knows what you want more: hard drugs or the dick. I really didnt beleive that getting inbetween your legs was so easy and, needless to say, it was the worst mistake of my life. (Drugs and dick go great together! Just ask any Rutgers sorostitute!) The organic chemistry professors are fucktards for making the midterm exam THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN! Thanks for ruining my weekend, you pieces of shit. (That’s what you get for taking Orgo.)
SHIT PEOPLE SAY
“Machoke is so much bro-er than Machamp.”
To the guy on the B bus on Friday afternoon, put some fucking shoes on. No one wants to see your fucking dirty ass feet. I hope you step on hypodermic syringe and get AIDS. to the guy on the F bus that got off at the SAC like 2weeks ago. you were cute. i’d like to be your 3rd smooch of the day ;-) love, blue eyessss To the lovely person who honored me by putting me in this fine publication last week. I’m disappointed that you seemed to have mixed up Economics, People, and the Environment with the Environmental Protection Agency. Dumbass, you don’t proofread your personals before you send them? THAT’S Disappointing. (Have you seen some of the retarded shit that makes it on this page? To the juiced up Frelinghuysen creeper, get the fuck out of our building, you don’t live here. You strut around our halls with your HGH filled arms but nobody wants you here. You fucking live in Brett Hall, you nerd. Please stop using our study lounge facilities when you could just whack off with your chink roommate. Seriously though, go pop your adderall pills somewhere else, no one has time for you and your flabby love handles. So take your disproportionate vieny ass outta here, peace. To the Asian Jesus jam band in SERC at 10 o’clock at night, I know Busch is your campus but GO AWAY. Im trying to not do my work and read the medium in THE READING ROOM, not the LISTEN TO SHITTY MUSIC FROM ACROSS THE HALL Room. (Reeee Ruuuuuve Jesus!) To the tall fuck who thinks they can hook up with my underage sister. No, that is NOT ok and I am going to find you and rip off that stupid hat you always wear. to my cottege cheese house mate that i wrote to last week, you still owe me 20 bucks, and you’re still a fugly whore who should never reproduce Hey UNB, why are you so scared of negroes?
To the loser watching Stargate while Saw 3 was playing at the Quads this Tuesday. WTF we told you turn down that shit 4 times! We also noticed how you casually chewed on fucking paper, and the collar of your shirt looked like a fucking werewolf took a bite out of it. BE LESS WEIRD PLZKTHX (Who the FUCK watches Stargate?) I know people are tired of hearing complaints about the new stadium, but seriously Rutgers? A whole new student section that completes the stadium and adds many more seats, but the bathrooms still only have about 4 or 5 urinals? No line for the men’s room should exceed the line for the opposing gender’s To the asshole watching me change, Congratulations, you’re a severe creeper, and NO, I do not appreciate you watching me change. So here’s my warning to you - watch me change one more fucking time and my boyfriend will kick the living shit out of you AND if that doesn’t scare you enough, I will find a pack of rabid, AIDS infected geese to chomp your ass dead while I proceed (taking the personals editor’s lovely suggestion) to chop your dick off and throw it in the middle of the road to be run over by a EE bus so you can’t even sew that shit back on. And to the personals editor - thank you for being decent, that’s the right way to be a lady killer ;) (I know, fucking long after I just bitched about it, but this was too good to ignore. I’m decent? Damn, that’s the first time someone’s ever called me that. And you’re welcome for the suggestion.) Dear Matlab Nerds, FUCKING STOP ASKING QUESTIONS! You’re driving everyone insane with your irrelevant bullshit. You’re clearly kissing the professors ass like your life depends on it. Seriously, FUCK OFF so I can listen to lecture for at least 5 minutes without another dumbass interruption. You probably get less girls than a mens’ bathroom.
THE GRANDE
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA...
Shalom, everyone. As awesome (or utterly retarded) as you all are, I have a bit of a bone to pick with you all. Simply put, you all talk too god damn much. Some of you write some fucking amazing stuff that’s just too long for me to print and I have to either 1) edit it down, risking it not being nearly as entertaining or 2) not run it at all. Of course, I would love to be able to let you all know if something is too long and see if you can edit it down, but the email I’m forced to use with this is a fucking disaster and won’t let me reply to you all. In light of this, make your shit shorter. Keep in mind RU students don’t have much of an attention span; its about that of a goldfish with down syndrome. Keep it shortish, snappy and sweet and we’ll all be happy :-). Personals@TheMedium.net is still the place to submit your shit. Or if you’re feeling extra motivated/special/horny, come to our meeting this week at 9:00 PM Wednesday night at the Rutgers Student Center Atrium in the conference room. Until next week, if you can’t beat it, get someone else to do it for you ;-) ~Satanic Yoda To the dirty ass chinese To the two assholes in my fuck sitting in front of me in Calc 2 class, What the chem. For Halloween how FUCK!! What is your mothabout you change into some erfuckin Problem! Why fucking clean clothes you would you take my friend’s dirty bitch. You’ve been and my seat in the front of smelling like shit for about 4 the class!? Because of both months now you shitstained of your fuckin disregard for motherfucker. If you don’t someone else’s claimed shower enough so that your seats we now can’t see the hair doesn’t look like it’s fuckin board! And stop flirtbeen fucked by a gorilla ing with each other through then don’t fucking sit next math! It is the most nastiest to me. And stop saying sor- thing ever! Don’t go doin it ry for everything you do if in our seats! We don’t need you’re not going to apolo- you guys fuckin orgasming gize to me for smelling like in the place we normally sit shit. for 80 fuckin mins in this To “The Medium” staff lame ass class. So next time member I met walking you fugly ass losers decide to class in the parking lot to steal our seats, DON’T! across from Hurtado; you Or I’m gonna Kung Fu your are really fucking hot. asses! Take that you mothWhen I walked past you erfucking Theives. with a copy of your news- (I don’t know what’s more paper in my hand and you pathetic, the fact that you said something, I thought have “reserved seats” in you were just some loser class or that you’re whining frat dude trying to hit on me, about it.) but it turns out you are the Dear Mouse-whore, I loved fucking editor of my favor- you the instant I first laid ite paper! AND you weren’t eyes on you. The brief passnerdy, brown, homosexual, ing between you and I on or under 100 lbs like staff the stairwell, as you hurry members from other publi- to visit your man, adds more cations. Thank you for giv- light to my week than 1,000 ing me hope that intelligent, suns. wanting to Kiss Your good-looking guys with a sweet Lips Everyday -Z. sense of humor and a dick (What. The. Fuck...) actually do exist at Rutgers. To the Brower Five: learn I am so DTF. -Blondi how to use the sandwich To Chris Christie: how fuck- line properly, idiots Also, ing stupid were you to think Takeout line works, thank that you could so blatantly you for “baked Lays” :-) rip off Monty Python, you guys, seriously. jordyn or fat piece of shit? jess?
BREAKING NEWS
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
This Monkey Looks Pissed!
November 4th, 2009
50¢
DEATH FROM ABOVE
FINANCE?
FALLEN HEROES ADVERTISE SAT. T.V. WINANTIAL CRISIS! BY MICRO F-150 STAFF FFATS
The satellite television company DirecTV has received quite a bit of unfavorable response due to their placement of two dead celebrities in their advertisements. Both Chris Farley of “Tommy Boy” and Heather O’Rourke of “Poltergeist” have been portrayed in these commercials creating substantial buzz for the entertainment company. Further developing their offensive celebrity sales pitch commercials DirecTV has left mouths agape by seThe Dean of Mean, James Dean lecting the infamous “curb stomp” scene from “American History X” for their next advertisement. The scene of Neo-Nazi violence is iconic in its own right and sends shivers down the collective spines of anyone who has seen the film. Reprising the role of Derek Vinyard, Edward Norton has a dispute with the character Lawrence (Antonio David Lyons) praising the benefits of DirecTV over cable and that if only Lawrence was a subscriber to the premium satellite television service that their differences could be put aside and this horrible racism could have been averted. The commercial comes to a close with a voiceover declaring DirecTV’s service as “jaw-dropping” as Norton’s boot finds its mark at the base of the prone Lyons’ skull. When cornered about the commercials, DirecTV CEO Aaron Julius responded by saying “Our company is honoring the dead celebrities by allowing future generations to remember the warm feelings of their craft, and then associating them with our company. While some may also complain about our newest ‘American History X’ commercial, we feel that it’s important to realize that DirecTV is a unifier. No matter your race you can have access to more HD channels than with any other entertainment provider.” He also went on record that DirecTV will be running an apology announcement starring James Dean, Heath Ledger, and Phil Hartman, which will air in the coming months. Micro F-150 is a full-time badass and enjoys hobbies, like having hobbies, and taking long walks on the beach, and knees to the face.
SPORTS
RU AN ATHLETE? RUH ROH! BY THE COCKTOPUS EDITOR DOUCHE
In a dramatic turn of events, the Board of Directors for Rutgers University Athletics has announced that due to budget cuts, several of the Division 1 Varsity sports at Rutgers will have to merge together if they want to avoid being cut entirely. This of course coming on the heels of the infamous 2006 Athletic cuts, in which Elephant Polo, Comeptitive Eating, and Kickball were all cut. Some of the proposals include Ice-Soccer, which will consist of two teams trying to kick a ball into a net, while playing on ice, and using sticks. Another idea the board had was Rugby Swimming, in which two boring sports get even more boring. Finally, Ultimate Golfketball mixes Ultimate Frisbee, Golf, and Basketball, and the stoners, rich white guys, and black guys all could not be any more upset. Photo by Ralph Orlowski/Getty Images Europe Some students are agreeing with the cuts, Ice-Soccer Inaction! claiming that Football is the only sport they care about. “I met my girlfriend at a Rutgers [football] game, she was wasted and I totally hit that,” said Ryan Gabriels, a third-year freshmen. The student body is not entirely behind the Boards decisions however. Many students, mostly the athletes of the soon-to-be-cut sports, are starting a petition in hopes of saving their sports. Rutgers Men’s Soccer goalie Thomas “The Stone Wall” Jackson called the Board “gay as balls” (unknown if pun was intentional or not) for trying to cut Soccer from the Division 1 Athletic Program. When asked about Rutgers Football, the Board replied with “While we understand that 80% of the athletic body does not play football, we honestly don’t give a crap and think that football rocks our faces off.” The unnamed board member then did a handplant at the desk he was being interviewed at, and ran off screaming “R-U RAH RAH.”
BY RIODICULOUS STAFF ROOMMATE Panic has stricken the Rutgers student body with a complete Winantial Failure. [Editor’s note: Please add the following jokes to make this funnier. Brotocol, winantial broldings, stock BROker, your money’s fucked bro, totally gay, broner, Brosef Stalin, Mr. Brojangles, brotein, brolapsed anus, and fuck that shit bro, clusterfuck, clusterweedfuck, broster fuck, broweed, browesome.] The recent winantial shortcomings of the University has resulted in the loss of millions. [Second Editor’s Note: For all articles, from here on out, everything should be funnier. I mean, Winantial Crisis? Who cares? There are innocent bros out there, getting taken over by brodiculous scare tactics, like other bros giving them bronologues about why studying is important and shit. What the fuck is that shit, bro? From here on, none of this negative shit should run. And furthermore, the entire paper needs to run like a well-oiled machine and not like a bunch of monkeys punching keys on a type-writer. I mean, does anyone even try? I’m the best, that’s a fact. I’m just going to start editing other pages from now on, because my shit smells like gold and you write like baby-babble. Anyway, back to the notes for this article, I think you should just fucking delete it. I don’t want it to run in this week’s paper. It’s garbage. Winantial Failure doesn’t directly effect any of us. It’s non-topical bullshit, and belongs nowhere in our Godly paper. If you absolutely have to run it, make it really short, and put in a big picture. That’s the only way it’s going to run. Do we have a throwaway issue? No, not a broaway issue, which by the way, we should have, but a throwaway issue, where any douche’s semen will be put on the page, do we have that issue? Do we? On one final note, maybe we should have a word limit for articles. I won’t be effected, because I won’t follow it, but I’m just saying, we gotta weed out the crap somehow. Notes given on 11/2/09 by The Cocktopus, What’s Shakin’ Editor.
EMOTIONS
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