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Volume XLVIII Issue VIII
November 5th, 2014
50¢
CHRISTIE ATTENDS RECORD POLITICAL DINNERS IN ONE NIGHT QUICKIES
BY SAWYER NEWS EDITOR
TRENTON—Tuesday night, Governor Chris Christie surpassed his own record for most dinners consumed in one night. The previous record was set two years ago during the State's previous election of federal congressmen. Christie attended the victory parties of each Republican representative who won their district's seats that night. Spectators were amazed by the feat last night as Christie traveled across the state and across the buffets. Supporters "TASTES BETTER THAN THE TEARS OF UNIONIZED TEACHERS" of the Governor even went so If Christie decides to run for office, he should try transitioning far as to point out that Christies from rolling to crawling to walking first. interests were not only bi-chin but also bipartisan. After accept- ee, "to see one physically reach he did," said Mrs. Christie. "I'm ing the hospitality of his fellow across the aisle. Even if it is just very concerned at his eating habits; he was doing so well afRepublicans, Christie caught a to the dessert table." Not everyone was excited ter his bypass surgery." nosh at the party held for Senato see Christie succeed so conUpon overhearing this, the tor Cory Booker. clusively. "I thought he couldn't Governor provided his com"It gives me a lot of faith in possibly eat any more, but then Continued on Page 2 our politicians," said an attend-
WHAT A BONER
Construction on Douglass Decried as Sexist BY ANIME HAIR NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—The ongoing construction efforts on Douglass Campus have been halted due to ongoing protests by the feminist community. ”Women have a hard enough time as is being barraged with phallic objects in our society" said spokeswoman Lori Burham, a second year Feminist Theory major explaing the issue. “Douglass campus is mostly made up of low to the ground buildings surrounded by plenty of bushes,” Burham continued. “But new construction is given rise to taller and more penis-like buildings than Douglass residents are comfortable with.” Protesters say that they are fearful that male students will take the new tall structures as a sign to start “taking their man-
Every issue is a color issue. Just like for BVCL! Middle Eastern man's beard has full beard on fifth day of No-Shave November I voted for Pedro! Police throw 5's to bust parties Bell outed as closet Populist Flood claims Nova "Good to Go!" despite player's newly developed paraplegia New wing added to RWJ for next Halloweekend
“LET'S HIRE THE ARCHITECT OF QATAR'S SOCCER STADIUM” Penis-shaped buildings are being erected way to often.
identifying penises out of their thinking some sort of courtpants and start raping every- yard, or other hollow box-like structure,” says Betty Dottry, one.” Alternative structures are being presented. “We were Continued on Page 2
I Haven't Been Sober Since 1970
Barchi turns up rap music louder when asked about strategies, budget
the Medium
NEWS
"I've been to the gym!""No. you've been in a Jim. It's not the same."
SEE OPINIONS PAGE
Companion Animal Science Club Causes Uproar BY C.F.I. CARE CONTRIBUTING WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK—The newest club amongst Rutgers’ various extra curricular activities is the Companion Animal Science Club, which is dedicated to educating students about the benefits of companion animals. Unfortunately due to an error, the club has been advertised as the Companion Animal Club. This has stirred up tremendous controversy around Rutgers Campus. “Companion animals. Isn’t that like, beastiality?” asked MSGA senior Kent B. Goode. “This is what happens when we let homos get together. It’s a slippery slope that ends up with us porkin’ pigs,” stated Jilly MacAll, a conservative advocate on campus. Others took a more openminded approach to the Companion Animal Club. An anonymous College Ave resident said, “I really don’t care if they want to go and fuck animals. I just don’t want them flaunting it in my face and being really obnoxious about it. I hate it when fags do that. Can I call them ‘fags’?
如果你可 以看到這一 點，前來捧 場。BSC116A 星期三8:00 GOOBERNATOR, PT. II
...continued from front
ment. "Did I hear you say bypass? You thinking about getting past me with that tray of mini quiche? I'll block you like I did the GW!" At that, he directed the nozzle of a whipped cream can toward his throat and let loose. Quickly, the confection backed up to the opening of his mouth. "Mmm...traffic," he said with a conclusive gulp.
Editorial Staff Fall 2014
Are they only fags if their companion animals are the same gender as them?” At the same time, movement has occurred at the other end of the issue. The Rutgers Society for Free Will chimed in, “We can’t let anyone tell us what to do! Not that we want to have sex with animals or anything. We think that’s fucked up. But if other people want to, no one can tell them they can’t!” When asked for a comment on their alternative lifestyle, Chase Katz, president of the Companion Animal Science Club stated, “We cannot emphasize enough that we are the ‘Companion Animal Science Club’, not the ‘Companion Animal Club’. It’s only okay to love animals in a way that has them serving us either functionally or filially. Sexual and romantic relationships are not endorsed by our organization.” At this point however, both sides of the debate have have become far too engulfed in the drama of the legality and morality of having an animal companion to notice that they’re fighting about something that isn’t actually happening.
Ef þú getur lesið þetta, koma að taka þátt. BSC116A mið 08:00 OBELISK THE TORMENTOR
...continued from front
22. “Even a large well would be great.” But a counter-protest is already gaining ground from local Men’s Rights Activist groups. As one member, Doug Pemberly, 21, says, “For too long this Women’s College has been encroached by buildings which cater to the female gender. It’s time to give the men a chance.” Steps have already been taken by the feminist protest groups to halt any further addition to the height of any buildings. Five online petitions are reportedly already circulating Tumblr, and there is word that the group is selling menstrual cup cozies on Etsy to raise funds.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Justin Lesko Michael-Vincent
Henry Yeh Fratypus
Wednesday, November 5th, 2014
themedium.news@gmail.com
NEWS IN PICTURES
Weblin Deadlifter Engages in Necromancy
"BRO, HE'S DEAD-LIFTING WITH EXCELLENT FORM!" Fitness buff Pete Janchal recited some incantations Friday night when the Moon was at its zenith and summoned a legion of deceased minions.
MY MACHISMO INSULATES ME WELL
Report: White Boys to Wear Shorts for Two More Months BY JUST THE TIP EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
NEW BRUNSWICK—With low temperatures dropping to near-freezing temperatures this week, white men are expected to only wear shorts for the next two months, according to the Rutgers Department of Health Education and Behavioral Science. “We have been following this phenomenon for quite some time now,” said Director Christine Delnovo, PhD, MPH. “Their hairy legs seem to be impervious to the cold. We can’t tell how or why they still wear shorts though.” Rutgers students have noticed that the amount of white men wearing shorts in New Brunswick and Piscataway has remained virtually unchanged since the summer. Similar amounts of bare legs have been
spotted on every campus, except for Douglass. “I am freezing out here even with my latte and puffy vest,” said freshman Samantha Barryworth. “Once the weather drops below fifty you will not see me without my leggings.” Dr. Delnovo worried about the impact this has on campus health. “Sure, a guy can drink multiple alcoholic beverages and stay warm at night and girls have the uncanny ability to wear any length dress out at night, but these white men are the future leaders of our country,” she said. “We cannot have them walking around in khakis and Vineyard Vines.” Others had harsher opinions of the report. “Those white boys cannot be any dumber,” said senior Jabrill Thompson.
You know we never do this. Well, hardly ever. But we had this blank space. It was all just sitting here, virgin-like. What better use than to thank you, the readers for your loyalty and generosity of attention? We want to thank you in person. Come to our meeting. Give us pitches. You might end up the next Ebola Czar with our endorsement.
News Editors Sara Markowitz Jonathan Holzsager Features Editor Lesly Kurian Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Michael Lazaropoulos Personals Editor Lucas Onder Page A7 Editor Lee Matalon
Sports Editor Matthew Fastiggi Copy Editors Kaitlin Rogers Chika Kim Secretary Michelle Flynn Webmaster Michael-Vincent Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Loud Noises
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the committed, diligent nursing staff of RWJ and St. Pete's. You saved my life, so I drink to your good fortune.
Wednesday, November 5th, 2014 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“Been 20 years since I last been in a vagina and I ain’t eager to go back.”
WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, SAID GOD
All Future Halloweekends Banned, Say University Officials BY PAULIE SOFFICER
DAYLIGHT LOSING TIME
HEN HEN THE WEATHERMAN BY THE HEN HEN MAN OUR WEATHERY PAL
NEW BRUNSWICK- Following the chaos of last weekend’s “Halloweekend,” University officials proclaimed Monday that “all future weekend parties and celebrations pertaining, and related to, Halloween, are hereby banned from campus and surrounding New Brunswick areas.” The City of New Brunswick is in full concordance with this ruling. City police report that Friday evening of the 31st was “the wildest fucking thing we’ve ever handled,” and some officers are calling it “the 9/11 of party weekends.” Below is a highlight of the transcript of police dispatch calls on the night of October 31st, 2014. 7:33pm Police, fire, an ambulance, and two tow trucks sent to the corner of Suydam and Jones Avenue, the scene of a four-vehicle crash. 9:43pm Police respond to Sample Road and Gattling Court for a report of "six or seven males playing dice."
WHERE R U BOBERT ROB BARCHI
Where in the World is Barchi?
9:45pm Ambulance called to the scene of an "unconscious overdose" on Kirkpatrick Street, across from the entrance to the abandoned FreshGrocer supermarket 10:20pm A disorderly person reported on the divider of Route 18 near the railroad bridge. 10:37pm Rutgers police inform housing of a problem with students blocking a roadway waiting for a bus. "The bus stop across the street from Sonny Werblin [Recreation Center], you got a bunch of kids out here and they are blocking one of the roads waiting for BY THE BUS KID the bus. And somebody's going to get hit by a car the way they got these students out in THE T SHIRT GUY the street." MILAN, ITALY – In this week’s “Where in the World is Barchi?” we are taken to the land of fashion and pasta. Rob10:47pm Police respond to a dispute between lovers, one of them with a knife, at 71 ert Barchi jumps off a train, his briefcase clutched between Plum Street. his fingers as soft rain begins to paint the world with a soaked shade. His other hand places a cigarette in his mouth, which 11:23pm A Rutgers bus became so overcrowded it could not move, but the riders refused he lights with a flick of a small metal lighter. The mission to get off. was simple: remove Madame Dumestra and rid the world of her fashionista horrors. Releasing a puff of smoke from his 11:50pm New Brunswick police respond to reports of a male and female breaking down lips, the Rutgers University President sets out to prepare. a fence near 217 Somerset Street and Kossuth Park and smoking a controlled dangerous Arriving at a small coffee shop, Barchi takes off his substance damp coat and takes a seat. “So you finally made it,” a figure croaked to our hero. “It’s been too long, handsome.” 12:13am A man was found passed out in a backyard at 51 Mine Street. "Everybody at Barchi only replied with a smirk as he snatches a flier that that party said they had no idea who he is." read “Bellezza Delle Bestie” from the hands of his elderly accomplice. With a nod, he understands what the idea was. 12:24am A Rutgers worker says he has three intoxicated individuals waiting for an am- For our hero to get an accurate shot on Madame Dumestra, bulance at the RU Student Center, and asks if a "rig" is on the way. He is told that au- he would need to get into this fashion show, and what other thorities "are currently stacking all [alcohol related incidents] They are currently using way to sneak into a fashion show than to be in it? 'med rescue 1' to go to George and Commercial for the unconscious." (continued on A7) Heading downtown, Barchi meets a local tailor with an order for dress for “a friend,” with measurements that resembled those of the president. Adorning the bright turquoise SEND YOUR evening dress, Barchi approaches the gates of the fashion F E A T U R E S show. It seems no one is able to see past his disguise; even S U B M I S - ushers try their luck with the pretty young thing our hero SIONS TO has become. Passing back stage with ease, he enters the line THEMEDIUM. of other super models, whom all pale in comparison to the F E AT U R E S @ radiance and magnificence of our hero. Finally, it is Barchi’s time to shine. Coming out onto the GMAIL.COM. runaway, everyone is engrossed by the glimmering of his AND THEN AF- fine dress. However, he is not fazed by the countless eyes TER YOU SUB- that trace his every movement. His eyes only trace his tarMIT STUFF, get, Madame Dumestra. Pulling out a cigarette from within COME TO OUR the sleeve of his dress, he lights it and flings it to a sprinkler. WEDNESDAY As the alarm rings, Barchi fires a shot from a pistol held between his buttocks, as the chaos of water drenching the enMEETINGS, tire hall and the alarm screeching throughout the ears of the IN RM116A IN onlookers occupies everyone’s attention. His shot meets his BSC. IT’S RE- target with clean contact, and suddenly Dumestra slumps ALLY, REALLY over, her essence no longer existing in this world. Before FUN, I PROM- anyone can gather their senses, our hero vanishes from the scene and slips away into the gloomy atmosphere without a ISE! trace.
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, November 5th, 2014
“Manuel what did you do with Henry?”
CHART OF THE WEEK
So do I put this on my résumé?
BY ALEX FROM TARGET So what exactly am I supposed to do with all of this fame? I have to capitalize quick, right? So what can I actually use this power for? I think maybe I should use it for good, ya know? Maybe I can use my new twitter following to raise awareness for some charity? Or help the homeless? On the other hand...I could use these powers for evil and use this fame to ruin peoples lives. I could get away with murder! I could start a drug cartel and get millions of people hooked and rule the fucking world! And who would believe that it was me? I’m Alex from Target, and I’m sexy as hell. Hey maybe that’s what I’ll do with it! I’ll just whore my way around the country and make special appearances and shit like that. I can be an inspirational speaker saying how anyone can be famous as long as they are extremely good looking and make girls wet just by looking at them. Yup, that’s me in a nutshell. But you know one day when I’m old and gray I might not look this good. What am I going to do after Target? I’m the people’s hero. I need to make my next move. Will colleges care about this? Shit, of course they will! Until then, why don’t you just come suck my cock?
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Why didn’t you wash your hands? “I voted! I promise! Can you leave me alone now?” - Steve Connors, Voted for Jeff Boss “Because it can create superviruses, and then we’re all fucked!” - Regina Matthews Into Science “I like the smell.” - Howard Loe 100% Man
YEAH I WROTE ABOUT FUCKING A CAT. WANNA MEET ME AND MAYBE GET A COFFEE? NO? OKAY. BUT COME TO OUR MEETING TONIGHT BSC ROOM 116A AT 8PM.
A MALAYSIAN- AMERICAN EXPERIENCE
How to detox your body BY HIPSTER J
Tomorrow, I must start my diet for detoxifying my body. So, I need help from everyone to stop me from sneaking in wonderful food from the US and A into my room and eat it. I shall stick to my stinky diet of puke textured oatmeal (which I always eat and feel hungry almost instantly), boring old salad, lots of water, yogurt (which is still okay), salmon bagels (that is if my girlfriend is willing to make some for me), fruits, and more water, stir fried vegetables, less oily pastas, everything oat, whole wheat, gluten free, or everything which satisfy those 3, more exercise (which I can’t get because of Rutgers’ high standards in education), mid-term examinations (I have 3 of them this week), coffee (thank
god I still can consume caffeine), and of course sleep (which I still cannot get because Rutgers is being an ass. Especially Biochem where my teacher gives a shit ton of hard ass homework that’s only worth 1% of the whole class and it’s impossible to finish unless you have a PhD in Biochem or the answer sheet, which I cannot find). The adventure of detoxifying my alcoholand-wonderful-foodfilled body begins. Well, not my body, just the tummy. The rest of the body is fine. Everything seems to just compile right at that spot. And to all my friends, my birthday is coming up, so please donate like 10 bucks each, and give the money to me so I can go for a good quality liposuction for my tummy.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What do you mean I Fucked a Cat? BY BRO WHO GOT WASTED ON HALLOWEEN
The last thing I remember was dancing with this fine ass chick. She was a cat, or cheetah ,or some shit I don’t know . She had ears on. Anyway, like she was good so you know I invited her back to my place. I think this was around 12 maybe. So we walk back to my place, but there are a couple of things that do pop up in my memory. Well, me and this girl went upstairs and it started off with me fingering her tight pussy and she was purring very seductively. Then, I was like, hey sure why not you know? I can be into a little role play. It was Halloween. So we stay at it for awhile, as I was just giving her some nice sweet tender love. I went down on her, she went down on me. Then she went down on me some more, and more, and more. She really liked
licking the shaft and continued the purring the whole time. When I asked if she was ready for my cock, all she did was lick the side of my face. It was the hottest thing ever, ‘cause you know she really wanted it. So, you know I put it in and it was so tight and she just started shrieking. Like really shrieking. That’s when things started to get all fuzzy. Luckily, some of my boys came into the room to watch over us since we were both pretty drunk and they said that we were really going at it under the covers, but I wouldn’t let them look at her for some reason.
She was fine as hell, you know. She must have wanted to stay hidden. But when I woke up this morning, some things just didn’t seem right. Like the bowl of milk that I keep on my dresser was empty? Who would drink that? And I had these little scratches all over my body which was fine but they were so small. Whose nails are that small? And no one saw her leave in the morning but my window was open? And then someone texted me asking “Dude why were you fucking that thing…?” And why was there so much fur in my bed? Wait a second. Ahh...son of a bitch.
Wednesday, November 5th, 2014
themedium.arts@gmail.com
ARTS
the Medium
“We live in the 21st Century, just google it!”
I SPRAYED EVERYWHERE
FROM WHAT I SAW
Arrhythmia Thursday, October 16, 2014
19:53
WE NEED TO HAVE A HEART TO HEART BY JH
So I am sort of writing this from a fallout shelter in Bulgaria. Don’t ask. I need you guys to do my page next week while I take care of “business.” So help me out by emailing your art stuff to the Arts Page. Send submissions to themedium. arts@gmail.com. Also, come to our meetings on Wednesdays at 8pm, at the BSC Room 116A. DO MY REVIEWS MAKE YOU HAPPY?
V for Vendetta
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS ARTS EDITOR
and it went mute on me with So a lot of people wanted me subtitles on. I thought about reto do a review of V for Vendetta turning it, but I’ll be damned if I because it has something to do leave my house twice in one day. The main character is some with Novermber 5th. I soley did sassy British dude who was one this review so people would like of those idiots who really into me. Here it goes. I picked up this movie at the the whole “Occupy Wall Street” most unlikely of all places, the thing. Do you remember that? Rutgers Bookstore. It was among Remember how they did literall this nerd shit and for some ally nothing. Well, this guy had reason the DVD case was heavi- the right idea when he just blew er than usual and made of paper up Wall Street and then murin Progress Page 1dered the bankers. Can we make and stuff. Anyway, IPictures started up the movie and frame rate started this guy an honorary American? to go out. The scenes got choppy He’s too cool to be British. Wait, I can’t say positive
things about this movie! Okay so, why the fuck does this movie look like shit? Everything looks grainy and as if it was drawn by a flunking Mason Gross student. And they kept putting up multiple scenes on the same screen. Can I get a spoiler warning? You fucking prick.
This is a scene from the broken DVD I got from the Rutger Bookstore. Do you see how frustrating this is to watch? Which scene am I supposed to look at first? Why are the subtitles in the middle of the screen?
the Medium
PERSONALS
INTIMACY
SPOOKY GHOSTS
FACETIME CONT....
To the boner i have right now: don’t worry, we will get laid soon. Just keep it up.
I saw a picture of that twobrained kid in India. He’s going to take over the world and subjugate all of the mono-cranial people like the troglodytes we are. Indian Horror Story: Extra-Limbed-Incarnationsof-Brahma Show. Pay me now, FX!
If you’re going to talk on the phone at a bus stop don’t stand next to me bitch.
(Are you talking to me or your erection? I can’t even tell.) To all the people who want me to send you dick pics, fuck you. MY BIG DICK IS FOR ME AND ONLY ME....and you if you come over.
(I thought thats what the new season was? or was that season two? it all seems like a blur to me.) (Whats the point of a big To the girl in the devil dick if it isnt being shared. costume on Handy street What could possibly go on Halloween. Can you sit on my face? wrong.) (I always assume the girl I’d totally fuck the red wearing the angel costume head in the front row, if in that pair of girls to be only her ass was a little more likely to put out. I bigger but I’m not picky. think there was a study To whoever fucker writ- done on this.) ing for the Medium I felt no greater shame said “midterms provide than when little Hispangentle fucking”, I don’t ic kids came to my door know what kind of ex- for trick-or-treating and ams you’re a taking, but I had no candy to give my ass has been them. Think they would taking quite the beating. like fireball? Midterms actually provide a hardcore, unlubed, (No dude give them Corona(with a lime wedge) raw-dog, ass-fucking. or Dos Equis.) Or jumping (On a serious note, did you beans.) not notice what you were Halloween had me like, wearing, you were totally boo! I’m a ghost! A sexy asking for it.) ghost. To Wisconsin, I think the (I was like oh my God im so scarlet knights would spooked you got me like B’O have liked to be wined Oh Oh Oh. Fell in love with and dined before you ghosty when i seen here fucked them that hard. on the dance floor She was (Rutgers got what it de- spooking sexy pop pop popserved based on the Hallow- ping dropping low. Never een costumes we got fucked met a spectral that scared like the diry whores we are.) me on the first sight. This was something special. This To the milf at the tailgate, was just like dynamite.) yo ass is the finest of Alright, who put razor them all. blades in the jungle juice (I doubt she was putting on Friday? out after that pathetic per(I’m not sure if that is a formance by Rutgers.) slight improvement from Is it okay to ask a person roofies or not.) to sign a waiver before FACETIME having sex with them? You To iPhone users, I know know... just be cover all of that I’m a green person the bases. and you bitch about me (Is this one of those No all the time, but maybe means yes and yes means you would have an easanal contracts? Also, to my ier time getting my texts knowledge a waiver is need- if your phones weren’t so far up your own asses. ed for each base.) To my boner again, I know (This seems like some smug you are so hard, just wait on smug crime.) To webreg, didn’t screw me this time. NOT THIS (Why dont you just try TIME! Now excuse me as masterbating? I’m sure you I enjoy two weekdays off will be able to rise to the next semester occasion again if need be. I (You sound like not a Freshhave plenty of faith in you.) man.) a few more hours, we can get through this.
Wednesday, November 15th, 2014
“ I would rather chew on broken glass then go to commencement.”
(Ask her for her number, that hsould make her walk away.)
BDSM What the actual fuck was that performance against Wisconson.
(You make it sound like we were held down and biting the pillow while screaming daddy....oh right.)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
A Fishy Liberation The Medium has gotten a new personals editors and requires your voice to be heard. Help us out by giving me your rants, raves and stories about love and loss. Or about your lonely nights spent in your dorm every Friday night. You may just become famous. With Love, Something Fishy Submit to: themedium.personals@gmail.com PS: Submit your personals. This lack of submissions is going to give me diabetes and erectile dysfunction.
Newark and Camden should not be considered Scarlet Knights. They don’t have to put up with the game day traffic that FOOD AND FATTIES comes with being B1G. Dear Dining Halls, (I thought it was widely What’s with the “other” accepted that Newark and jelly? It looks like moldCamden were in no way af- ing fruit or long-dead animal guts. filiated with Rutgers.) Bring back the raspberry. To Rutgers, what in the Love, hell happens to you on peanut butter sandwich Halloween? I appreciate the costumes, but please (I would agree but i cant don’t curb stomp some- seem to understand why one outside of my house. someone would make a sandwich in the dining (I’m not sure you you have hall.) realized that it is not a Rutgers party until someone Her: What’s the best gets sot or killed down the thing about a Delta Gamma on the Titanic? street from you.) Me: What? I hope my stats professor Her: I don’t know. I was fucking dies. just going to make a fat (In his sleepy many years joke. from now surounded by his (You gave up too soon they loved ones.) they should have been the
HELPING HAND
I would like to give a shoutout to Google for saving my ass at work everyday. My boss recently switched over to Gmail and Google and gets confused sometimes while trying to do something. He blames me for the problems, since I told him to Go Google or Go Home, but thank god Gmail fucking delivers. Praise the Lord Jesus that Google has it all.
OVERHEARD
Hey girl on the F listening to my friend and I read the Medium Personals section in funny voices. Either join in or quit laughing at our hilarity.
iceberg, or the reason it sank.)
WELL BEING
I’m glad this is a page people read and i encourage people to get a flu shot. It is important to stay safe. (Who needs a flu shot when there is Ebola.) To the Green Revolution, thanks for getting me on Twitter. (This is not your soup box for your hippie garbage, and expert social media skills. Did anyone fucking else think there was a school shooting when they read the email from kenneth fucking cop?
(I mean it has been a while since we were in the news.)
(As long as she is hearing the good word of the person- It is hard being an “edals she can be saved. We are ucated white man” in all loving and all acepting.) the work force becuase i want a job and don’t What's the deal with air- want to do any work. plane food?!,fuck penn state
ROBINHOOD
Who came up with the bright idea to make racing beds down the street a tradition? It’s not like we’re poor or living in olden times with nothing better to do. (Yes we could be getting drunk at frat parties or filling up the hospital beds with alcohol overdoses on Halloween.
To the random girl I met on Cook/Douglas on Halloween and smoked weed with, I still don’t know who the hell you dressed up as. In fact, I don’t even think I caught your name. Anyways, nice meeting you Cheryl/Carol/Charlene/Janet/Barbara. I want everyone to take a moment of silence for the hardworking bus drivers who had to push through the alcohol cologne and perfume everyone was wearing mixed with the smell of a freshly laid puke on the dirty bus floor. You guys are the real MVP :’) (I wonder what is worse, Halloween or Football games, Then again it can’t be all that different then every other Friday night.)
Commuting sucks dick hard. Why is it that every time I decide to park somewhere with a girl, no matter how abandoned or deserted, a cop always manages to show up? Not even real cops, RUTGERS cops are always cock blockin like no other. (People still have sex in cars? I thought that was a highschool thing. Or just do it while you are driving.)
PAGE A7
Wednesday, November 5th, 2014
“Tim Cook?! He’s like the Bill Gates of Apple!”
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FORTNIGHT SAVINGS TIME
Solutions to Next Week’s Crossword Puzzle Down Across 1. NJPIRG 1. NICKIMINAJ 2. RUTGERCOLEGE 3. EBOLA 5. FUCKPENNSTATE 4. FUCKPENNSTATE 6. DICKS 8. ZBT 7. ROOFIES 11. CHLAMYDIA 9. VICTIMBLAMING 12. BETTYWHITE 10. YAYAYAIAMLORDE 13. BROWNPEOPLE 11. COLLEGEAVE 18. EEBUS 14. YIKYAK 19. COLLEGEAVE 15. NUDESPLEASE 20. SIGEP 16. WHITEPRIVILEGE 21. RECTUM 17. WISCONSIN 22. TRANSGENDER 22. TROJANMAGNUM 24. HITLERWASRIGHT 23. ADDERALL 25. GARYNOVA 26. HELPMYARMISCAUGHTINTHEPRINTINGPRESS
BERRY CONFUSING ...BERRY
continued from Sports
and I was the odds-maker, and then she just thought I had a gambling problem. It’s hopeless.” Fantasy football has been rapidly increasing in popularity over the years, and Berry is becoming an even more prominent figure in sports as a result, even occasionally appearing on ESPN during live television segments. Sadly for Berry, his accomplishments fall on deaf ears. And sadly for Berry’s mom, she will never realize her son is actually quite successful, and will forever dodge questions about her son’s job.
SCARLET KNOPE ...DISAPPOINTMENT
the Medium
continued from Sports
st for Wisconsin (1-8, 0-4 Big Ten) since 2002 and it stretched its losing streak to five games while Rutgers extended its winning streak to ten games. It’s been a tough stretch for the offensively-challenged Wisconsin team that included blowout losses to No. 13 Ohio State, No. 17 Nebraska and a local high school team. “Wisconsin has no place in the Big Ten,” Flood commented as he made fun of the perennially underperforming program. Freshman defensive tackle Gary Nova orchestrated the offense by running for 3,128 yards and 275 touchdowns while eighth-year senior and backup tight end Betim Bujari limited Wisconsin to just 1 yard on Saturday that made the Scarlet Knights bowl eligible for the 145th consecutive season since its birth in 1869. “I just want to thank Gary for suggesting me to install a propeller on the top of my helmet so I can jump higher and run faster,” said Bujari, toying with his propellers while making the “zooooom” noise. On a side note, making his 53rd consecutive start, ironman nose tackle Paul James scored on runs of 95 and 651 yards in posting his ninth consecutive 3,000-yard game rushing, willing the Knights (10-0, 6-0 Big Ten) to win their tenth straight game while being the only unbeaten team in both college football and the Big Ten Conference. “Overall, we are in a position to win when we have an offensive game like this,” said Flood, also announcing that he and Athletic Director Julie Hermann are planning on moving the program to the NFL next season due to its perfect record. “Thanks to me, we are able to win games and establish a winning culture here ‘On the Banks’ because, well you know, my team always wins, suckas!!”
MACERUNNER
RIDDLE OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! BY BROSEF STALIN HEAD WRITER
You are hosting a dinner party for yourself and 5 friends. It is currently noon, and you know it takes 4.5 hours to prepare the meal. A third of the way through preparing the food, you realize you are missing a critical ingredient. You know it takes 30 minutes to go to the store and pick up the ingredient, but doing so will delay finishing the meal and you want dinner to be ready in time for the guests’ arrival. How do you tell your girlfriend that you got completely wasted on Halloween and had sex with a dude dressed as Spongebob Squarepants?
NEW BRUNSWICK YESTERDAY ...I’M SSSTHO WASSSTHED 12:25am Police shut down a party at 57 Ray Street for the second time that night, but before they can respond they are sent to a nearby burglary. 12:26am Dispatchers send police to 19 Courtlandt Street where there was a burglary to the residents. “A [black] male broke into the house and stole an iPad and other items.” 12:30am A disturbance was reported at 44 Robinson Street. “It broke up and there’s a male knocked out on the ground.” 12:34am Police attempt to take control of Hartwell Street, crowded with Halloween partiers, and proceed to clear it over the course of the next 15 minutes. “Go to Hamilton & Hartwell and shut that down. Don’t let any cars down that street.” 12:49am “St. Peter’s advising us right now they only have three beds... They’re working on getting more in a little drunk tank area.” 12:56am Another intoxicated individual was removed from a bus at the Student Activities Center, leading a first responder to ask for a second ambulance. “It’s gonna be a while,” was the response.
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12:57am Officials contact the Middlesex County Office of Emergency Management, in the hopes of requiring an ambulance bus, as workers on the scene at Rutgers Student Center confirm they are waiting with five intoxicated individuals in need of medical attention. 12:58am Police are alerted to reports that, in the area of 118 Hamilton Street, “Four [black] males, one in a light puffy jacket, breaking into vehicles.”
2:08am Police from North Brunswick forward a call about an assault and robbery at Hamilton Street and Plum Street. Distracted by a shooting call, police arrive late and at first cannot find the victim. Eventually, this incident becomes the only one reported to the public more than 17 hours later in the form of a Rutgers crime alert.
1:01am A disorderly person arrested in front of Harvest Moon on George Street. “We got a wild one here,” says an arresting officer.
2:17am A person is struck by a bicycle at the intersection of Easton Avenue & Prosper Street.
1:18am Police respond to a motor vehicle crash in the rear of Lot 30 near Senior Street.
2:22am Police call for an ambulance at Mine Street and Central Avenue. “He fell and hit his face.”
1:20am “He said he witnessed a [white] male in an orange jumpsuit kick in the window of a house nearby and follow him into that location.”
2:25am A triage area is set up under the portion of Morrell Street underneath the Rutgers Student Center.
1:34am Reports of a a male with no shirt and wearing jeans in Lot 30 came in, as the individual eventually worked his way over to Lot 26 between Bartlett and Morrell Streets. “Maybe he is going to his truck to get a weapon.”
IN CASE YOU FORGOT
37-0 WISCONSIN
2:06am Help is requested for an intoxicated individual “that’s apparently trying to get away from the RA.”
RUTGERS
116A Busch Campus Center, Wednesday night. No ratio. Poppin’ off at 8PM.
ALY’S CORNER
NOVEMBER 5TH, 2014 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com MEANWHILE, MY MOM IS BETTER AT FANTASY FOOTBALL THAN I AM
MATTHEW BERRY'S JOB MOST DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN TO MOM BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON SPORTS EDITOR
"MOM, FANTASY IS IN THE NAME, BUT IT'S A REAL JOB, I SWEAR!" Berry, nicknamed "The Talented Mr. Roto," has no talent in the eyes of his own mom outside of an inability to explain the details of his career
Rutgers rolls to 37-0 shutout BY THE HEN HEN MAN BUSINESS MANAGER
Wisconsin Badgers in its lopsided 37-0 win. “This game is goPISCATAWAY— Calling the ing to be something we’re going game “the beginning of great- to look back on at the end of the ness,” a visibly excited Head year as one of the highlights in Coach Kyle Flood told report- the history of Rutgers football,” ers that he is pleased to see the said Flood, adding that rain did improvements that the program not stop the Knights from keephas made during its inaugural ing its win streak alive. Big Ten season as the Scarlet The shutout loss was the firKnights blew past the struggling Continued on Page A7
1
HOMECOMING BY NUMBERS
HOMECOMING WIN IN THE LAST 5 YEARS
PRETTY GOOD
ODDS THAT RUTGERS WILL FAIL TO REACH A BOWL GAME AFTER A 5-1 START
0 PEOPLE ABLE TO AB-
STAIN FROM BINGEDRINKING AFTER THAT DEPRESSINGLY BAD PERFORMANCE
BRISTOL, CONN.— ESPN Fantasy Football Analyst Matthew Berry has the dream job of most football fans. The entirety of his career revolves around playing fantasy football and providing advice to other ESPN users. But the highly successful and award-winning Berry says that no matter what he does, he will never have the satisfaction of feeling like his mother is proud of him, because it is “downright impossible” to explain to his mom what his job is all about. “Look guys, my mom is one of those who needs to ask who is on offense and who is on defense while we’re watching a game. How the FUCK am I supposed to explain to her that my job is to make a prediction about
whether Chris Johnson or Bobby Rainey will rush for more than fifty yards against top ten rushing defenses? Do you hear how absurd that job description is?” Berry says his personal life is partially ravaged by the disconnect between him and his mother and that there is an emptiness in his heart where his mother’s love should be. To attempt to mend things and aid his mother’s understanding, Berry has tried making many analogies about his job, but thus far, his attempts have been to no avail. “I told her that my job is kinda like being the weatherman, but for football. Then she was telling relatives I was reporting on the weather at football games, so I had to change it up. I told her fantasy football was kind of like sports betting and Continued on Page A7
Team Profile: The Eagles
THE
MAYBE 50 RUTGERS
FANS LEFT IN THE STADIUM AFTER HALFTIME
BY SAWYER NEWS EDITOR
6 PASS COMPLETIONS BY TEAM MANAGER: RUTGERS, WORSE THAN MOST DI, DII, DIII, HIGH SCHOOL, PEE WEE, AND POWDER-PUFF TEAMS
-124: THE LIKELY SCORE-
Irving Azoff
STAR PLAYERS:
Glenn Frey, Don Henley, Joe Walsh
LINE VEGAS WILL SET FOR STARTING THE GAME VS. MICHIGAN LINEUP: Desperado, Tequila Sunrise, Hotel California, STATE, GIVEN THE PAST Lying Eyes THREE PERFORMANCES
this week's sports SINCE this week
TEAM HISTORY:
Got rid of some of the bad blood a few years ago between teammates Frey and Felder when Felder did not renew his contract
MY IMPRESSION:
I've been a fan since the first time I saw them play. Dad took me to the arena and I've enjoyed all of their hits ever since.