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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue VIII
November 6th, 2013
SUPER STAR SANDY
CHRISTIE THANKS HURRICANE SANDY FOR SECOND TERM
BY BAKING UP TROUBLE MANAGING EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ--After Chris Christie was declared the victor in yesterday’s general election against state Senator Barbara Buono, the Governor decided to end his long-winded campaign by giving a big thanks to Hurricane Sandy. “It was because of you, Sandy, that the citizens of New Jersey started to believe that I was a caring and compassionate individual,” said Christie. “Once I coined the phrase, “stronger than the storm” and gave President Obama that bear hug while wearing my navy colored fleece sweater, it was all smooth sailing from there.” After the state was hit hard by Hurricane Sandy last year, countless New Jersey residents decided to throw away their
"LOOK AT THAT FATASS TWERK!" Govenor Chris Christie pictured with his best friend and possible running mate Hurricane Sandy.
core beliefs and focus their at- the influence of the reality show, tention solely on the progress “Jersey Shore,” has been a leadthat was being made along the ing factor in this obsession with Jersey coast. It is believed that Continued on Page 2
HAIRY SITUATION
Feminist Group Co-sponsors No Shave No-vember BY BONER ADVENTURE NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ–The feminist group “No Penises Allowed” on Rutgers campus have decided to join up with groups like Movember International, Oxfam, and various Greek Organizations to bring No Shave No-vember to Rutgers Campus. “This is no longer an old boys club anymore, you can all be a part of this, even if you are a woman,” said organization President Leaf Tree Blossom. There has been lots of preparation for this year's festivities. Normally guys just don’t shave and say that they are a part of the celebration. This year, men and women are encouraged to register with the various tables and choose which way they want to celebrate. A woman at one of these tables said, “Most women choose to not shave their legs, which is fine, but a really good "THESE ARE THE MARKINGS OF A TRUE WOMAN" way to shove it to the oppressive The following leg hair designs are sponsored by "No Penises Allowed." penis-wielding man is to grow a Continued on Page 2
Personally, I find "The Arrows" very helpful.
Eternally Blue Balled SInce 1970
50¢ QUICKIES
Senior Student Finally Done with the Leisure Book he Started Freshman Year What does John Fox say: "Wa-papa-I'm Having a Heart Attack!" New Headphones Allow Listeners to Go Deaf New Study Reveals that Candy Crush Causes Cancer RU HealthServices to Switch to WebMD Consulting Dining Services Brings Back Tillet Dining Hall by Popular Demand Scarlet Knights players confuse Football for Capture the Flag Attention Whore Continues to Wear Slutty Halloween Costume Students in Organic Chemistry Join Circus; No Hope for Future WebReg Requires Four or More Minutes to Cum Stuff Yer Face Brothel: "Enjoy Your Beer and Blowjob" iPad Air; Smaller, lighter, and more absorbent
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NEWS “Too spooky!"
Wednesday, November 6th, 2013
FILL MY BLACK HOLE
MEOW-WOW
Congress Run by Semi- Rutgers Asstronomers To Explore Black Holes Intelligent Pussies BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
"BOEHNER IS A PUSSY" Word around the milk bowl is that senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has called President Obama a 'Lame Mouse'
To sign up, simply stop by one of the tables set up all ...continued from front around campus, or by the many design.” The designs are at ev- stands set up outside of various ery sign-up table; women can Home Depots. Next for this feminist group choose a landing strip, a tuxedo, is to ban phallic looking things or knee pads just to name a few. “Men don’t need to marginal- on campus. This list included, ize women anymore by degrad- but was not limited to; grecian ing us with those awful beards. pillars, knives, bike seats, and mozzarella sticks. Now we can fight back!”
SANTIAGO, CHILE – A team of University astronomers have begun preparing for an experimental journey into a variety of black holes. Dr. Alexander Morris of the Department of Physics and Astronomy has been discussing the possibility of their expedition into black holes for the past few months and he reports that they all feel comfortable enough to explore each other’s black holes.“ Each of us was assigned a black hole to study in order to prepare for our journeys,” said Morris. “We have taken turns to test and tease these black holes with probes and other sensitive equipment, but I believe that we are now ready for a manned insertion.” The study from this team reports that these black holes are infamous for swallowing and expelling putrid smelling matter and gases. Such matter can make the expedition an uncomfortable experience for those attempting to enter. The
team plans to use a variety of techniques and protocols to filter out these rancid materials and mechanically “clean” the black `hole as to create a more pleasant experience for those attempting to penetrate the black hole’s center. Dr. Morris has mixed feelings about this adventurous first step into unknown territory. “I feel both excited and nervous, but I think it will be a very pleasurable experience for everyone involved in the expedition.” Morris and his team of strapping scientists and astronauts are currently thinking up a variety of different entrance strategies for the black holes. “We have to make adjustments depending on the hole’s mass, activity, and position. For example, should we ease our way in, or just force ourselves through? We don’t know yet.” The team is currently applying for grants to fund this expensive experiment. When asked about what the team will need the grant money for, the good doctor said, “A shit-ton of
PUBIC HAIR
how to fulfill my needs.” Last night, Christie also ...continued from front briefly expressed his thoughts the New Jersey boardwalk. on whether running for presiMany New Jerseyans wished to dent is in his future and if he rebuild it because they wanted feels he would be able to blow the cameras to continue rolling, away the competition. not realizing that “Jersey Shore” “Let’s just say it wouldn’t had ended last December. be the worst thing in the world “I can’t wait for MTV to if another massive hurricane come back to Jersey and start comes down during the time of putting us in the spotlight once the next presidential election,” again,” mentioned local surf- continued Christie. “Hitting a boarder and Snookie enthusi- few swing states such as Florida ast, Kyle Pablaco. “This was and Virginia, while devastating basically the only reason why I to those communities, could end voted for Christie. He just un- up working out in my favor.” derstands me so well and knows CHRISTIE
Editorial Staff Fall 2013
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Stewart Hallman Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Rob the Sun God
"THIS IS A VERY DELICATE SITUATION" Speculation remains if George Clooney will be on the black hole expedition team.
Submit NEWS ARTICLES!!!!!!!!! SEND THEM IN TO themedium.news@gmail.com. our meetings are wednesdays at 8pm in the bcc, room 120b. all are welcome!
News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Leif Tornberg Opinions Editor Eli Youssef Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editors Adam Romatowski Justin Lesko
Back Page Editor Sasha Romayev Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Lesly Kurian Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Girls' Generation
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to tiny nips. Dime sized or smaller.
FEATURES
Wednesday, November 6th, 2013
“I’m writing this in a wheelchair.”
REVIEW
Marshall Mathers LP2 MELLOW RUSH
At long last, it has arrived. The return of the King. With one of the most anticipated releases in music history, Eminem returns with The Marshall Mathers LP 2. It follows his work in the Bad Meets Evil project and has already taken the world by storm. We have already been suckling on its leading singles: "Berzerk", "Survival", "Monster" featuring Rihanna, and of course "Rap God". They all have been received very positively in a wide audience. And…what the? Give me back my laptop you--! Yo, Mellow. I'm really happy for you. I'mma let you finish…BUT I HAVE THE BEST RAP ALBUMS OF ALL TIME! ONE OF THE BEST ALBUMS OF ALL TIME. "YEEZUS" can beat the shit out of Eminem's new album. He may be a rap god, but I'm Rap Jesus. I'm the one who is so real that--so real that everyone hates me for it. I am ever-changing. I am always adapting. I am fashion. I created leather jogging pants but no one would expect it. I did that six years ago with my niggas to Fendi. I'm surrounded by glass ceilings but I'm a creative genius. They can't hold me in. That's why I got down with a bird-monster in my movie that went with "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy". I'm the best and Em is just going to rap the shit you enjoyed when he was new. I like it and you like it. Kim, mother of my daughter likes it, too. That bitch is mine. What it comes down to is his album will be shit compared to anything I do. Fuck y'all haters! Here's your laptop, nerd. Finish your review. ...Anyway, the new album from Slim is produced by Dre and Rick Rubin, so you know it'll rock. Rihanna is back with Eminem for a fourth time, but we don't mind. "Berzerk" gives tribute to the Beastie Boys with some samples that may sound disorganized at first, but melt together after a few listens. This is probably going to be worth buying, if not just tell Eminem that we welcome back his crazy old self.
UGLY THING OF WEEK
CUTE THING OF WEEK
BEAUTIFUL
There’s Always Next Semester The world falls apart as I cry. The hour of judgment is nigh. The test was Organic, My failure: titanic. Now I'll go home, curl up, and die.
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IT’S A GRAPH YOU DOUCHE
Chris Christie’s Favorite Pies
EROTICA
Breaking Balls Part 3
BY HEISENBULGE AND EDWARD VAN YOLOSTEIN PEEBLES
This naughty crime had Walt’s name dripping all over it. He had to escape, before the authorities went deep into his case. To add insult to injury, Skylar found out about Walt’s role in show business. Upon entering the house, Skylar pulled out a knife, screaming “Oh, so my rocking tits are not enough!” Suddenly she swung her knife at Walt, much like Jesse would swing his huge syringe on top of Walt’s own. But this was not an enjoyable sword fight. Walt knew his place, and realized he had to get out. He contacted his old cinematographer, who knew a guy that could give him a fresh start. So alas, he relocated to the freezing cold land of Nebraska. He would have plenty of alone time there, where he could do personal experiments, while watching his DVD’S on a TV that had no cable signal. However, the experiments weren’t the same without his old partner. Many months passed. Walt became extra hairy, as his mind began to degrade from loneliness. He didn’t know what had happened to Jesse, but he came up with a scenario where Jesse got kidnapped, and was forced to make erotic videos. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Furiously, Walt proclaimed, “I’m the one who knocks!” The door swung open to reveal Jesse as he steps into the shack exclaiming, “Bitch!” Walter, in a bewildered tone asks, “I thought you were abducted,” to which Jesse replied, “The only thing that was abducted from me was my virginity. From you. Bitch.” “Jesse,” Walt murmured, “come into my territory.”
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OP/ED
“Gonna hyphen this shit up”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Oh God, It’s Begun BY DIANA RIVERTON Oh no, oh lord why? Halloween is over. Do you know what this means? The end of all civilization as we know it. It’s already begun. It’ll start small, a little hard to notice at first. Ornamental lights you think were left up from Halloween, a little red trim you’d think nothing of. It’ll sneak up on you, like the deceptive snake it truly is. Then when it’s too late, when you’re comfortable with the season, winding down preparing for the approach of Thanksgiving- WHAM- It hits you in the face. Christmas. “What the fuck?” you’ll say, “That’s not for like, two months.” You would be right, my tragically foolish friend. It is two months away, but one month isn’t long enough for the store to milk your wallet of it’s succulent, verdant cash, and drain you with their deals on skylanders that your young nieces and nephews “just gotta have,” or make you by that sweet-ass blender that your mother has been looking into for
Wednesday, November 6th, 2013
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Now I can finally start to save some money
the past week. BY HARD WORKIN’ FAMILY MAN No, Christmas shopping Wow this is great, minimum wage is finally has been creeping up earlier going to go up. It’s about time- if I say so and earlier. Why, I remember myself. It’s not easy being a working man in the days that Christmas songs today’s world let me tell you. Never being wouldn’t be played until well able to build your savings, living paycheck to after Thanksgiving. Now they paycheck, never being able to invest my monblare them on the radio and ey- and forget about saving for retirement! throughout shopping malls And then there are my kids, my family, every year when weeks before Thanksgiving. Christmas and birthdays come along I always get sad because They don’t even take you out to a nice dinner anymore before try- I’m never able to get everyone the presents they want. But now since the minimum wage is going up, I have more freedom! ing to fuck you over with their Sure it’s not much, but those extra dollars will add up. Maybe “Hot Holiday Deals” and their I can take the family on vacation for the first time since the “Amaaaaaazing Seasonal Barkids were little, or I can get them all of the presents that they gains.” Those bitches don’t have want. But hell- I’m just happy that I won’t have to worry about any decency. It used to be that paying the bills every month. Man, things sure aren’t easy, but Black Friday was the starting they are looking up. line, a social contract between us and businesses that says “our bodies are ready” but instead they stomp all over that, forcibly shoving their deals into our faces BY COMPANY CEO rubbing them all over without So they want to raise minimum wage- well our consent until we’re just I hope they don’t expect me to pay it. Like covered in cinnamon and pumpwhere is that money supposed to come from? kin spice and while we’re gagThey can’t think that I’m going to cut my salging on the offerings, they sneak ary or my friend’s salaries do they? We need away with all our money leaving to be making these salaries, we have expenses us with nothing but trinkets that too! I just bought my third house on the coast we really didn’t even want and in California, and let me tell you it is not goprobably are just going to re-gift ing to pay for itself. What about my vacations to Florida every anyway. year? Do they expect me to give those up? I don’t think so. I know this is what I will say. That if they raise wages then I UNIVERSITY VOICES won’t be able to hire as many workers. Yeah they will buy that. The more I have to pay the workers, the less money there is “Who did you want to win the for me. It just makes no sense. I work hard let me tell you, it’s elections yesterday?” not easy having to work 3 hours before I get a 2 hour lunch. Man things are really starting to go to shit. Next thing they are going to want is more maternity leave and sick days. Fuckers I don’t care how sick or poor you are, you are not getting any of “There were elections? I thought my money. that wasn’t till 2016.”
Joe Richards Shut-in Sophmore “MEGATRROOOONNNNN” Starscream, Misheard the Question
“I hear McCormick has some quality experience as a leader.” Dick McMormick LIKE MAKING INANIMATE OBJECTS HAVE FEELINGS? SUBMIT YOUR IDEAS TO THE OPINIONS AT: THEMEDIUM.OPINIONS@GMAIL.COM
Wait but that means less money for me
BROUGHT TO YOU BY LEXAPRO AND PROZAC
ARTS
Wednesday, November 6th, 2013
“Dedicated to Girl’s Generation, for taking it away from Bieber. U go girl.”
the Medium
Saturday,CRISPIE November 02, 2013 11:57HUMPKINS PM CHRIS - GALILEO
THIS CARTOON WAS PRINTED PRIOR TO THE GUBERNATORIAL ELECTION AND BEARS NO LEGITIMATE BIAS….POLITICALLY.
WHAT 16 HANDLES SHOULD BE - LESLIE KNOPE
To our left we have my favorite animal, the gerenuk. Grazing? That shit is for scrubs, says the gerenuk. To the right we have an incredible homage to a truly brilliant actor, Jesus. This entire door, found in Livi Apts B, is covered in Cage Faces. Marinate in that.
Submit slightly higher quality content to themedium.arts@ gmail.com. DECENTLY PLAYED - PROFESSOR XXX
November Page 1
WHAT 16 HANDLES THE NICOCAGEDOOR - LIVISHOULD APTS B BE - LESLIE KNOPE
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PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 6th , 2013
“This page brought to you by positivesingles.com, the best place to find others with STD’s.”
VIRAL
NJ PURGE
PARTY TIME!!!!
SOMETHING OF THE WEEK
All of this shit about “The Fox” has to stop. This annoying crap got older quicker than “Gangnam Style.”
Dear NJPIRG. I ALREADY VOTED!!! I don’t even know what NJPIRG is but I voted yes cause that chick who asked me to vote was cute. Let me just say I voted yes for you. I’d like to stick my ballot in your ballot box, babe. Vote yes for a good time with me!
To the black dude that asked me for “a turn” dancing with my girl at the party the other night, what the fuck is wrong with you? I know a lot of great black people and pieces of shit like you are why they still get a bad name.
The NBA started this week and we got our first look at the New Orleans Pelicans. Pelicans is a stupid nickname you might say. Pelicans are pussies. BUT YOU’RE WRONG. Pelicans are bad asses and they are your something of the week. Don’t believe me? Look up videos of pelicans eating pigeons. CRAZY SHIT. That being said send your personals to: themedium.personals@gmail.com AND follow @PersonalsRU.
(Yes, it’s getting annoying but it’s a lot less Asian than “Gangnam Style.”)
TITS & COCKS
(In the year 2013, we live in Dear Bird Girl, I think I (If you vote yes, you’re al- a post-racial society where can close those tabs faster lowed to have sex with the any male can ask another than your bird flies lol. girl that asked you. Always male for “a turn” on a girl.) I also think I know who remember no means yes, but you are. Would you like yes means anal. ) Seriously, don’t get mad to watch some bird porn at us not being able to with me next time? At get you into any parties FE-MAIL MAN least that way you don’t when you’re the asshole have to be alone when To the mail lady who de- who ruined the ratio. You you watch bird porn, as livers mail to my Rich- knew the amount of girls the Medium suggests. ardson Street house: in the group, but you still Consider this a friend- damn you sexy as hell! decided to come. ship invitation. I will let you handle my (Fuck your 8:1 ratio. The package any time ;) (Sounds like you two are beer better be made out of “love birds!” HAHAHA, (Hit her up on a Sunday. gold, I better be guaranteed that is humor right there. She’s probably looking for a bacchanalian orgy, and You’re welcome.) some mother fucker better letters to lick.) walk in with a box of DoriSCARED tos Cool Ranch tacos.) FOOSBALL My biggest fear is dying from someone slamming my head from behind into the metal part of the urinal.
(My biggest fear is losing my penis to a whore with disease.)
I am so glad we made a comeback against a now 1-8 team. The entire football team needs a pat on the back for giving it their all and not fucking up.
THE MEDIUM MEETS TONIGHT IN ROOM 120B OF THE BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER AT 8:00 PM. EVERYONE IS INVITED, EXCEPT THAT STUPID PIECE OF SHIT RYAN
THIS GUY AGAIN Fat people are entertaining. The Dining Hall, Entree section, i was waiting in line for food, and in front of me are fat bitches talking about how hard expos is. Then the dining hall was serving chicken fingers and fries, but some bastard took the last scoop of fries. So they replaced it with purple potato wedges. Definitely healthier, so i was like, yay, finally some healthier shit in here. Them fat bitches ain’t liking what they saw, one of them said “yo fried chicken fingers and no fries? That’s wrong, we must have fries with chicken fingers, it’s kinda like the law of eating chicken fingers”. And them fat bitches continue to complain about how much the dining hall food sucks because they dont serve good burgers and cheese fries in here, basically screwing the dining hall for serving healthier foods.
(Can’t wait to wake my stuI burst out laughing, because... yo... it’s fat people pid ass up early to watch complaining about food... how much more funnier them get their dicks handed can it get, they’re like so judgmental when it comes All the guys on Halto them through their assto food that it became more like comedy. First world loween that tried to get holes against Cincinnati. problems yo. They turned back and look at me with into parties without costhe annoyed faces that truly showed their rage totumes, I’m out here half These noon games are just great so I can wake up at wards the no fries with chicken fingers thing. I just naked freezing my tits ACA-DICK-IA 8:00 A.M., blackout by quickly looked down at my phone and pretended to off and you can’t bother noon, throw up in the stalaugh at something. to spend some money at the mall on some random dium bathroom, then do it How long do I need to suck my professors’ all again the next week. ) costume? THANK YOU REBUTTAL dicks or tits to get them to write my recommen- Why were the personals Thank you!!!! Currito!!!! HEY BOOOOOYS! so long this week! Seri- For the free burritos yesdation letters? ously give people let- terday!!!! (In either case, you need to ter/word count! No one do it until you taste their wants to read a diary!!! (I shat!!! Five times!!! Since sweet nectar. And by their then!!!!) sweet nectar, I mean until (My thoughts exactly, but you get the satisfaction of they make my job easier and GLASSHOLE a good grade you pervert. it’s not easy being easy.) People with long and And also their cum or titty slender faces shouldn’t juice.) HEHEHE wear glasses. They look Why do I feel like shit all much more attractive BOY MEETS WORLD the time in the Fall/win- without them. People with rounder faces look I went up to homeless ter? more attractice with people this Halloween (You are what you eat...) glasses on. Wait, oh nevand told them I liked ermind. Actually, I have their costumes. It was the I think I spend too much no idea what I’m talking most fun I ever had. time on Rutgers buses. about. (Were you the worst person That’s where I get all of (I don’t wear glasses, but I in the world just for Hal- these weird thoughts don’t feel bad for people that loween or is that an every- from. do. I feel bad for people that day thing for you?) (I only have one thought on wear 3D glasses without Rutgers buses: murder.) frames cause they look like idiots.)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 6th, 2013
the Medium
“We are very cultured this week.”
LET ME PUT THAT CREAM IN YOUR COFFEE From Doctor Tossed Salad, Fuck things are getting fucking bad. It’s getting fucking cold out, prunes are made from fucking plums, and every chick has a fucking boyfriend. Enough with this fucking boyfriend bullshit! If he is smart he is cheating on you right now, and since he is why don’t you come over here and lick my asshole. Mmmm yeah and then you know what really turns the Doctor on...oh shit my wife’s coming, don’t want her to bitch at me again. Send me personals too at themedium.personals@gmail.com And then Follow us at our new twitter handle @PersonalsRU DAYUM
THE STRUGGLE
I forgot that New Jersey had a Salem County until my roommate told me she was from there. I also love the fact that she refers to everyone in her hometown as “a bunch of hicks”. DAYUM, this year is gonna be good!
Did you know that it is actually impossible to define what “the struggle” is? When you experience “the struggle”, you will know what it is.
YESSSSSSS
HALLOWEEKEND
SHIT
I hear you need submissions. Use this to fill space if you need. Here is another sentence to help you out.
This past Halloweekend, I saw so many guys walking around with white face paint. The peculiar thing is that it seemed like they all just earned their “red wings”. Why would Batman hang out with those jokers and who’s the gusher?
To all the guys shiting in the upstairs student center bathroom, get the fuck outta there! God I gotta shit too but you fucks take like 15-20 minutes each.
(For this submission you get two things: First you get to go on the top of the column. The next is that I predict that if you wish, a person of your choice will come to your room tonight and fuck the shit outta you. Send a personal telling me how it was for next week.)
IDK ANYMORE I recently heard “Real Nigga Roll Call” blasting from a girl’s speakers. I don’t know what to expect from anyone anymore. (You know what I just learned. Elle Goulding is not that hot.)
This weekend, I saw a lot So last week I had Chipoof cellulite peeking out tle and well the next day from under girls’ cos- I took a very subpar shit. tumes. Some of it was I have to say I was distroubling, other was tol- apointed. erable. I have to thank Sir Mix-A-Lot for train- (Blow it out your ass.) ing me into the man I am now, but I still have a DIRTY FUCKS long way to go. Why can’t you nasty (IT IS NEVER TOLER- fucks ever clean? Every ABLE. Goddamn what the time I come back when I fuck has happened to you to go home there are always think that?) dirty containers, crap on the sink, and just a thick To the brown girl who layer of mud and dirt on was grinding and lean- the floor. And most of you ing on me on Halloween don’t even move from during the bus ride from your bed since you just the Rutgers Student Cen- play Pokemon or some ter to the SAC, I never got other game the entire to see your face so please day. How does it even get don’t get mad if you ever this dirty? Fuck it, I don’t see me after that and I care. I’m not your whore don’t recognize you. mom, so stop making me (You probabily don’t wanna clean after you. see her face, just like she didn’t wanna see yours. (They took a crap on the sink? Fuck.) OH.)
Dear assholes who try to enter the elevator immediately when the doors open without any regard to whomever may be trying to exit, go fall down (Where is the sex in the per- the shaft. sonals this week? Shit.) (Seriously Elle Goulding is Saw a girl in the RSC not that hot, just Ed Sheer(Salem! WITCHES!) wearing those monkey an: not that hot. Oh yeah shoe things. I wonder something witty, ummm Oh god someones gotta if she’s springy and can have that chick suck my save me. I got this crazy jump 20 feet in the air shaft.) To the bitch who was bitch favoriting all my and go woooosh! talking to me about the tweets. When ever she SHOUTOUTS chick she danced with does from now on I’m Hey you! Stop picking this weekend. Shut the deleting it. your nose! Oh woops! Shoutout to my coworker fuck up! I could not care Now you’re bleeding. last week for giving out (She won’t fuck you will Told you so! all the stuff and dancing less. When you have gotshe?) awkwardly when ev- ten as much as I have then (Ugh I hate when they start eryone passed. But the you can act like you’re on To the asshole who says I bleeding. I don’t fuckin best part was when you my level. You’re probadon’t favorite any of his clean up either, that’s her would tell random peo- bily gonna wind up goposts on facebook. It’s be- job.) ple you had class with ing back to guys anyway dumb bitch. cause they all SUCK. them.
CREEPY
(They do? Well isn’t that fucking great. You know To G, can I have the keys what really sucks, this fuck- to your house back? My keyring just feels so naing personal. Damn.) ked without them and I miss the freedom of ROOMMATES randomly showing up To my roommate. Can in your living room and you please stop eating creeping out all your all of my food. Buy your housemates. Sincerely, own. def not being creepy.
(That’s it? about your food? What if He/She is fucking your significant other? GET MAD!.)
If my roommates takes my charger one more time because his was “on the other side of the room” I’m gonna “spill” my takeout on his bed. (That’s more like it!)
(Yeah they like to push it out slow. Mhmmm you know the feeling.)
This chick needs to clean her fucking room. Clothes everywhere I can understand, but how many fucking water bottles are you going to have in there. I’m gonna start keeping a count on the whiteboard on my door. Why are the bathrooms in the douglass library always fucking disgusting? And why can’t I push the stalls over if I push hard enough?
(Sounds like an asshole. You (Ugh wannabe lesbians. I love them too. Go lick that know who you are.) pussy.) Shoutout to my professor who has taken two REAL WILLY WONKA QUOTES weeks and counting to grade our papers and exams. Thanks dude I love waiting to know if I have to take this class again.
(Almost as bad as when (“And I knida wanna fuck people write in personals you, so please.” You forgot bitching about their fucking grades. You prob have a that part.) B average. Blow it out your ass.) CUM TO OUR MEETING TONIGHT Shoutout to everyone IN THE BCC @ 8 PM who sits in the S lounge. You sad motherfuckers. IN ROOM 120B. MY ASSHOLE ISN’T Couldn’t get a seat in the libraries and you have “You stole fizzie lifting drinks, so guess what. You get no GOING TO LICK ITbeen relegated to sitting fucking candy Charlie you shithead.” SELF NOW IS IT. in that piece of shit.
THE BACK PAGE “I’m not a rapper.”
Caption Contest! And the winner of last week’s caption contest is....
Tonight 8:00pm, @BCC rm120B Cosmic Medium Meeting It’s going to be out of this world. Today 10am @Medical Science Bldg, RBHS Blood Drive “Let’s have this guy play quarterback and Have too much blood in your body? see what happens.” Sick of walking around all bloated Subtle. and red? The solution to all your One might argue that this week’s caption writes problems is here. Go save lives and itself. They’d be wrong- this is where you come in. Send your best caption to themedium.backshit. page@gmail.com. May the odds be ever in your November 7th favor. Absolutely nothing of interest All day everywhere- don’t miss it.
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Top 3 Make-out Spots on the Rutgers New Brunswick Campus Observatory: If it’s the second or the fourth Thursday night of the month, this is the place to go. What can be more romantic than star-gazing and making out in the same night? Kissing Bridge: This one is just a given, come on- it’s even in the name! Passion Puddle: While this one may seem cliché, it still doesn’t take away from the awesome scenery that will nicely complement the make-out sesh.
Top Four Non-Slutty Costumes Seen During Hallo-weekend 2013 By: Santa | Staff Writer
1. An Expos Essay 2. Take-Out 3. NFL Murderers (Aaron Hernandez, Ray Lewis, OJ Simpson) 4. ChatRoulette (Guy with Cardboard Cut-out over his dick) Shoutout to you creative geniuses who didn’t get laid! High-Five!
What’s Shakin’
BK
Wednesday, November 6th, 2013
Snuggie
EE Bus: Now you can grind on random strangers while you make-out with your partner. That’s like, two for the price of one! Next to the Steam Pipes on Busch: Everyone knows the biggest turn off is when you smell like ass. But luckily, those steam pipes will spew a gas strong enough to mask even the nastiest of odors. Especially the pipe surrounded by rotten oranges...mmm <3 Your Fuckbuddy’s room: Hey, better than your room.
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Randy Reviews
Call of Duty: Ghosts Okay, this game is just ...shit. All you do is shuttle your ass from one overly-scenic cutscene to the next throughout the story missions. And then there’s multiplayer. You are a rat in a Skinner Box competing with whiney 12-yearold fuck-nuggets for the same cunt-gargling guns that only differ by their pretentiout-ass names. I seriously don’t understand why everyone keeps waving their dicks in the air over their franchise. It’s been going downhill since the second Modern Warfare. Call of Duty is basically like Jim Carrey’s acting career. We had some great times with Ace Ventura and Yes Man, but it just seems like they tried to force Mr.Popper’s Penguins down our throats like your mom and my cock. Call of Duty today is for xenophobic shit-stains who masturbate every time they get a rank in multiplayer- as if a higher rank will compensate for their sociopathic behavior and pencil-lead penises. Before I stop and all you CoD fanboys go cry and touch yourselves in a corner, I should point out that I did not play Ghosts. It’s the same fucking thing every year! CoD is like IRS taxes, the same shit that does nothing but suck all the money out of your wallet. That’s why I didn’t bother buying this pile of shit- and it’s not like I ever pay my taxes either.
So Which Sexy Cat Did You Bag This Halloween?