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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliii Issue VIII
50¢
NOVEMBER 7th, 2012
DEWEY OR DONT'Y
DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN G.O.P. Sweep Indicated in State; Boyle Leads in City BY GODIVA'S MAN BITCH NEWS EDITOR
WASHINGTON DC—As polls closed late last night, Thomas E. Dewey hardly had time to let his triumphant victory over Harry Truman sink in. In what would be a landslide election, Dewey ascended to the White House to become the nation's newest President. After months of hard campaigning and debates, The G.O.P. candidate finally reaped his reward at the polls. Not all voters were expecting such a one-sided victory. Lawrence Lang, a freshman at Rutgers University seemed puzzled by the result. "Honestly I really expected either Barack Obama or Mitt Romney to win the election. I mean I didn't vote; my grandparents did but I had shit to do." Green Party candidate Jill
Inside This Issue 1..................Election
then promptly ordered eightdozen pizzas and 4 kegs for his party. Dewey, (pictured far left), promptly demanded privileges equal to that of Bill Clinton, as indicated in his official presidential portrait. Some guy named Boyle leads in the city. Although the election is over so it probably doesn't matter now, does it? The G.O.P. (Great Old People, or something) strapped on its Depends and hit the polls hard and early, because none of them know how to drive anymore. Despite having the least aurally pleasing presidential name since Millard Fillmore, Dewey will assume his place in Stein rounded out the ballot, Dewey's victory is the lat- the oval office, sporting a muscoming in a respectable third est triumph for his party. "This tache worthy of its own cabinet place in front of unlikely hope- party has been rolling non-stop position. In an age of repressed fuls Barack Hussein Obama and for the past seven months, and it facial hair, Dewey's whiskers the former Governor in New ain't a stoppin' now," said a glee- have won a great victory for all. England, Mitt Romney. ful Dewey. The new president
NEWS IN PICTURES
Mounted Sherpa Gets Off His High Horse
2............Connection 3..................Erection 4...............Reflection 5..............Inspection 6..............Projection 7................Rejection 8.............Confection 9..............Obituaries
Reporting To You Live ESTABLISHED 1970
STOOP KID
Guy Who Was On Porch Two Hours Ago Still There BY KCIG MANAGING EDITOR
HIGH STREET—The guy who was on his porch two hours ago is still on his porch, sources say. Local resident Jimmy Ackermann reported sightings of the man at 2:08 PM when he left his apartment to run some errands, and as well at 4:12 PM when he returned. “Man, he’s still fucking there,” said Ackermann. Speculation is still ongoing as to whether or not the guy had been in the same spot the entire duration of the two hours, or had left and returned to the same spot later. “It looks like he’s texting or something” he continued, referring to the man’s slumped over posture. “Why won’t he just go inside?” said Ackermann, staring at him through the window.
the Medium
NEWS
"No more politics. No. None. GO HOME!"
MONEY AIN'T CHEAP
Wednesday, November 7th, 2012
LOOK UP THE WORD APATHY, OR DON'T
RUSA Retreats to Aspen Hurricane Sandy Leaves for Team Bonding Devastating Amounts of The organization, which Student Apathy prides itself on the lowest inBY SUPA KRUPA TROOPA BUSINESS MANAGER
COLLEGE AVE—Last weekend, the members of Rutgers University Student Assembly took to the mountains of Aspen, Colorado for their annual retreat, which included bonding activities such as skiing, winetasting, and addressing the dire issues affecting students university-wide. The trip, which was paid for entirely through student fees, included a more modest budget than previous years according to Freshman Livingston Rep., Miranda Bryan. “There's no better way to bond with your fellow student assembly members than skiing down the slope of an exclusive mountain resort on the Rutgers students’ dime,” said Freshman Livingston Rep., Miranda Bryan. In an attempt to reduce consumption of water bottles during their trip, the student leaders only drank out of a gold fountain with silver goblets.
crease in tuition in the past 3 decades, used this money to fund their trip to the most expensive resort in Aspen that only runs on solar energy. Not only does this organization stand for an eco-friendly environment, they also pushed for Rutgers dining halls to use cruelty-free, cage-free eggs. “Our preference on the trip was caviar and cage-free-ostrich eggs but seriously, I don’t even like caviar…at least we had ostrich egg quiche” says Treasurer, Pasha Sokolov. Another issue that RUSA feel strongly about is child labor in sweatshops and the exploitation of workers in foreign countries. “I think its absolutely horrible to enslave those little children!” says Junior DGC Rep., Spencer Kalvinman, “That’s why I never wear Nike apparel, I only wear mink coats and fox fur.” In the future, RUSA is planning on a retreat to Honolulu, the Hampton’s, Nantucket, Key West, or Martha’s Vineyard.
ONCE YOU POP THE FUN DOES STOP. BITCH.
Student With No Idea How to Take Care of Self Buys Pop Tarts to Ride Out Storm BY MOUSHIE STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVE—Last Sunday night, university sophomore and overgrown man-child David Petersen reportedly prepared for the incoming hurricane by buying a 12-pack of Pop Tarts® S'Mores Toaster Pastries. Petersen, who has never mentally matured beyond the age of 14, purchased the toaster pastries at a local Target Superstore. He reportedly made the trip to appease his mother who forwarded him two Star Ledger articles with messages attached urging him to get a supply of food and water to prepare for the storm. “I feel like, worst case, the power will be out for like, two
Editorial Staff Fall 2012
days, maybe,” estimated Petersen in the hours prior to the storm. “So, if I eat two Pop Tarts for each meal, then 12 Pop Tarts should cover me for the whole time.” Petersen reportedly paid for the Pop Tarts with the last five dollars in his bank account, which he had been planning to spend on laundry. “I guess that will have to wait,” said Petersen. Upon returning to his dorm room, Petersen allegedly ate two packs of Pop Tarts before it even began raining. Since the passing of the storm, sources report that Petersen’s mother had to pick him up amid road closings and power outages because of the evacuation of College Ave.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Kristen Cignavitch Krupa Patel Jordan Gochman
BY PROBABLY DRUNK CONTRIBUTING WRITER
COLLEGE AVE—In the wake of one of the largest storm systems to ever strike the east coast, students of Rutgers University are still recovering from the effects of the storm's worst affect: a crippling apathy. Said SAS student Gene Brinkley, "I told myself I'd use the time off to catch up on homework, but, Hurricane Sandy." Many were left without electricity for days, forcing them to put down their books and play drinking games by candlelight. Added Brinkley, "You would think the lack of access to media entertainment or food would be
SENIOR CITIZENS
the 'perfect storm' for a study session, but actually, Hurricane Sandy." Professors from all campuses report receiving many emails requesting postponement of due dates, citing "Oh, but, Hurricane Sandy" as the main excuse, displacing tonsillitis as the university's number one bullshit excuse for laziness. GPAs have been hit nearly as hard by the storm as fuel supplies, while alcohol stocks have reached a record-high on the market. CNN economics correspondent Susan Dubbs' nearly addressed the issue, stating, "I sat down to research the issue, but, well, you know."
University to Build Housing for Jaded Seniors BY LIL BIT CORRESPONDENT
COLLEGE AVE— A new residence hall scheduled for completion next fall will be home to only the laziest and most jaded upperclassmen, according to University officials. Located in the direct center of College Avenue and equidistant from all the bars that play house music, the dorm will include soundproof walls and 24 hour quiet hours for those students who are pretty much over college at this point. Rutgers Facilities Director Tony Calcado confirmed that the University has been under pressure for some time to comply with the demands of seniors who are tired of living in close proximity to immature underclassmen who “just don’t really understand how things work yet.” According to Calcado, rooms will come stocked with
two mini fridges, each capable of holding up to 40 loose beers, and desks will not be provided. “Desks are usually a staple in college dormitories, but let’s get real. These kids are seniors and they’re not going to be doing any work, so why waste a perfectly good piece of pine?” Calcado said. Officials say that in order to counter the excessive amounts of apathy that will likely be heavy in the residence hall, festive beanbag chairs will be placed in all the lounges as accent pieces. Although applications from sophomores and juniors have already begun piling in for spots in the new coveted dormitory, their requests have been swiftly denied. “Jaded underclassmen will have to wait their turn, and endure the banalities of college life just like everyone else until they become jaded seniors. It’s a right of passage,” Calcado confirmed.
AY PAPI, YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? THEN COME TO OUR MEETINGS AT 8 P.M. ON WEDNESDAYS IN ROOM 439 IN THE RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER
News Editors Stewart Hallman 1 Brianna Provenzano Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Ben Green Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Whoredan Smockman John Eberhardt
Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisors
Leif Tornberg Bennifer Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot Booshie Boy
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to glitter. For always being there even long after you want it to.
FEATURES
Wednesday, November 7th, 2012
“ I wish I could do things at KOREAN level; video game wise anyway”
EROTICA
THE ELECTION: Featuring Mitt Romney
Are you a classy gentleman growing an exquisite Novembeard?
and Barack Obama by: The ShacMaster
Submit your progress to themedium.beards @gmail.com
BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE
NOPE
POETRY
Red Meat( I like meat) By: Phil Collins Red meat cannot be beat I’d rather suck it than any teet Dat bloody juice be dripping So good for that bread dipping It’s glory too great for some Eating steak is just too fun
the Medium
CUTE
In the morning or at night I will always take a bite Full of Iron and protein And tastier than beans! Even leftovers I would glean Your plate I would leave clean
Weeks after their last sex- grouped. Both men turned away ual encounter, Mitt and Barry from the other as the vigorously were at a last and final cross- rubbed the shafts of their canroads. The election was over nons. Some would say they were and a debt was to paid, for a “charging their lasers.” man who makes a bet and does They turned simultaneously not pay up is no man at all. And and fired their blood-engorged neither man was willing to be mayonaise cannons repeatedly anything but a man. at each other. Romney shot an Mitt opened the door, impressive six roper but it wasn’t with a face that one could de- enough. As the first six globs scribe as nothing other than met in the air, Barry showed his anxious. The door creaked and ace in the hole, and the seventh lightning flashed right behind glob went on to strike Romney. him. “This is The cumshot like a good old “He did a quick spin from Obama’s fashioned horror fully powered movie.” Sighed move as he swung his man cannon was Romney. “Not fully powered meat- so powerful that really Mitt, it’s stick in Romney’s it knocked Mitt more like an adstraight on his general direction.” venture movie back. for me.” laughed Mitt was Obama as he flicked the lights pinned to the ground by the on. Obama sat back down in sheer weight of Obama’s man his armchair, clipped his cigar juice. Obama strode over and and lit it. Relaxation showing looked Mitt in the eye. “You through his deep brown eyes, have lost Mitt, I have the high he gave Mitt the come hither ground, don’t try anything.” motion. Mitt took off his wet said Barack Obama. and soaking coat and walked to“YOU UNDERESTIMATE wards Barry. MY POWER,” screamed RomNever before had a presi- ney as he lifted himself and spun dential candidate placed so through the air. He performed much on the line. And never one of the penultimate moves before had a candidate lost so of penis fu, the helicopter saber. much. This was to be the most 10,000 degrees of tornado penis demeaning and demasculating slapping power. night of Mitt Romney’s life, his The look of horror and shock punishment for getting trounced on Obama’s face lasted but a moin the election. Had Barry lost, ment until it became straight up the whole situation would have glee. Obama took a deep breath been flip flopped. and moved his hands in a flurry “THE TIME IS NOW!” bel- of hand gestures and symbols. lowed Barry as he launched him- Suddenly, there was a poof of self from the armchair. He flew smoke. through the air with the cigar As Mitt’s technique cleared clenched between his teeth and the smoke, what awaited him his bathrobe sliding off, reveal- was unimaginable. Obama’s ing his chiseled physique and junk had mutated into a steed. his horselike genitalia. He did Obama had summoned the spira quick spin move as he swung it of manliness itself and comhis fully powered meatstick in bined it with his schlong. The Romney’s general direction. majestic mane of the creatures “You know what, FUCK bristled with energy as Obama THIS!” screamed Romney as he and Leo-Cock sprang to action. decided to fight back instead of In one powerful swipe, Romtaking the beating like a bitch. ney’s most powerful move was Mitt kept his button down and stopped, and his penis fell to tie on while he jumped out of the ground, completely lifeless. his pants; with his socks on of “I HATE YOU,” Romney cried. course, and unsheathed his bon- His lifeblood leaking from his er, dubbed The Moneymaker. wounds. The Moneymaker clashed Obama casually walked out with Barry Jr. and the slapping of the room and into the sunrise; noise was glass shattering. The victorious and confident with force of the blow forced both the years to come. contestants back and they re-
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OP/ED
“Exception in thread “DOM Tree” java.lang.NullPointerException, at lines 1-n“
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Oh, We’re Just Getting Started. BY NOR EASTER
W h a t ’ s that? Your power was just restored, driveway is finally clear, and you just got back from ShopRite with lots of perishable goods? It’d be a real shame if someone knocked out the alreadyweak power lines in your area. Again. We don’t just do this for shits and giggles, you know. Ever since you dicks built those skyscrapers and cities all along the eastern seaboard, us clouds don’t get a moment’s quiet. We have to put up with your shit twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. And you know what? Clouds don’t sleep. Ever. We’re stuck listening to this shit, and we’ve had enough. This ends now. We’ve got a pretty big community up here. A lot of people you don’t want to mess with, see. You might already have heard of a few of them. Galveston’s the biggest; I remember him getting real mad a while back. And Sandy? He ain’t the biggest, but he knows how to make you hurt where it matters. Point is, we’ve got a decently-sized group of volunteers ready to repay your kind in full.
Getting into the family isn’t no small deal. You need to be tough. Strong. Committed. 73 miles per hour or less? Keep it at home. Less than 20 miles wide? We don’t want you here. Only the finest winds are contracted here. I was just accepted into the family this past week, and they’ve already given me my first assignment. Nothing too difficult: just give the East Coast a kick in the shins while they’re still recovering from Sandy. 50 miles an hour should do it - there isn’t much that can go wrong if most of the shore literally has no protective beach. If we get lucky, there might even be a little snow afterwards! Christmas come early. Every year, we select 21 new recruits. Not all of them receive a mission, but they still wait to be deployed when deemed necessary. And we have thousands of minions, for the smaller missions. Sometimes we don’t want to cripple entire states; a small town or two is all it takes to keep you folks in check. How long will this last? Who knows. As long as you fucks keep disrespecting the natural harmony of this planet, we’ll make sure you get your just desserts. Besides, the more havoc we wreak, the more school you miss.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
In the Grand Scheme of Things, It Doesn’t Matter Who Wins BY PLANET EARTH
I know a lot of people are pretty riled about the recent election. Millions upon millions of dollars have been spent on election-oriented advertising, and countless hours spent debating the pros and cons of either outcome. I’ve been alive for about 4.54 billion years. I’ve been through some stuff. When I was young, I started out as a hot molten sphere of lava. I’m sure I would have gotten as angry about the election if there were elections back then. And then the moon formed. Having another body of planetary matter in your orbit really changes your opinion on things. I started to become much less concerned about myself, and more about my new progeny. Having another person constantly exerting gravitational force and changing your oceanic tides really forces you to look at things outside yourself. After that, I began cooling down and forming a crust on which life could form. Every parent can tell you that having to sustain many different smaller life forms is a challenge. Try having children that also constantly evolve and go extinct in cycles that take eons. It’s a pretty tough job! But you also learn a lot about yourself by caring for others.
Democracy in the form that exists today didn’t show up until basically 200 years ago, which is like 4.405x10-6 percent of the time I’ve been alive. And each guy that rules the United States, which is approximately .06598% of my total land area, only rules for 4 years. So like I was saying, it doesn’t really matter much who wins the election.
PIE CHART
Wednesday, November 7th, 2012
ADVICE
Ask A Student Sleeping in the Livi Student Center Dear Student, Every time I try to sit down and get some studying done (which believe me, isn’t that often), I can’t get more than a moment’s rest because of my roommate. He’s always playing obnoxiously loud music, screaming at his buddies over Skype while gaming, or watching bad TV shows. At first I didn’t think it would be a big deal, but now it’s really starting to grate on my nerves. Maybe living off-campus wasn’t such a good idea to begin with. Any advice? Sincerely, Smoked Out
Dear Smoked, Honestly, I can’t really relate to you at the moment. On one hand, I don’t have any loud obnoxious roommates - unless you count the hundred or so other students sleeping on cots with me in the Student Center. And I couldn’t bring my desktop computer with me, so I’m typing this in the computer lab, with a long line of frustrated students behind me, trying desperately to contact their families and make sure their relatives are okay. But yeah, I totally feel you about the loud video games, brah. My recommendation? Try living on campus next year - if your roommate is a total dick-frog, you can just hope for a hurricane to knock out the power. Let’s see him scream at a blank screen all night long.
OPINIONS... THEY’RE LIKE PERSONALS, BUT BETTER SEND THEM TO THEMEDIUM.OPINIONS@GMAIL.COM
OR COME TO OUR WEEKLY MEETINGS RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER, ROOM 439
WEDNESDAY 6:30
Wednesday, November 7th, 2012
ARTS
“Siri, what’s the situation on the hurricane?”
IT’S ALWAYS HALLOWEEN
BOBBING FOR SPIDERS
the Medium HEY RUTGERS
the Medium
PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 7rd 2012
“I haven’t gotten to pick a quote in so long! What should I put here?”
CAMPUS COMPLAINTS
HURRICANE HATERS
ALLITERATIVE BULLSHIT
FROM THE DESK OF SUM DUM JOO
Dear lovely people who use laptops in the computer labs, If you are using your own goddamn computer in front of a lab computer, thereby wasting space and everyone’s time, please stop being total dicks, get the fuck up, and work on your own personal computer elsewhere, somewhere that your doucheyness will not bother those who just want to print their shit out before class. There are an infinite number of places you can work on your shit. Don’t do it somewhere where there is a possibility of me punching you in the back of the fucking head. Love, A Competent Rutgers students
To the people on the second floor of the Judson suites, thanks you so much for allowing us to take over your lounge after Sandy. Thanks for letting us use your shower, thanks for hanging out and making music with us, and thanks for being awesome people. Sincerely, Demarest Refugees
I just want to say that as American I feel that this week brought an unprecedented tragedy , Disney’s buying of the star wars franchise is unholy and needs to be stopped by any means necessary, there must not be a Jar Jar Binks movie
I’M BACK, BITCHES
(Perhaps he just wanted to watch his laptop and the lab computer fight it out a la Battlebots? No, you’re right, he’s probably an asshole.) Smokers, I don’t care about what you’re doing to your lives. I honestly don’t. But can you please stand still? Cigarettes are like candy to Rutgers; they are EVERYWHERE. It’s getting incredibly hard for the rest of us, who actually care about our health, to avoid you chimneys. The least you can do is make it a little bit easier for us to avoid you by standing still so we don’t have to be stuck walking behind you on our way to class. It’s a nice trade off. I don’t get involved in your life and you help me avoid lung cancer. Peace out.
(Smokers are not chimneys! Chimneys can’t walk, you idiot! Chimneys are made of bricks! Smokers are not made of bricks. Bricks cannot breathe! More importantly, bricks are not able to develop advanced stages of lung cancer, so hah!) Will someone fucking fix the damn Douglass Library door already?! (No. Rutgers does not want you to know how to read.) I have never actually seen President Barchi in person. Is he a real thing or a figment of imagination?? (He’s real. But only in the minds of believers.)
(OH MICKEY ME-SO HAPPY! ME-SAH DISNEY NOW! AHHHHH!)
(And now, Judson smells like drugs. And its covered To all the idiots who votin glitter) ed for Obama and aren’t aware of his signing into Is it wrong to make a gas law a bill for indefinite joke in light of the fuel detention, and support shortage? I’ve been hold- of SOPA, CISA, PIPA, ing in this fart from last the bailouts, and escalaweek’s Livingston Com- tion of war in the middle east, fuck you stupid easmons tacos for too long ily molded sheeple, as for (Oh ho ho! Aren’t we the those of you who supwitty one! Fart jokes are a ported Romney, Really? science and your mind is did he really stand for too clogged up.) anything, did you really he would do anything? To Rutgers, Thanks for giving me a chance to (I am not an idiot for voting drink away all my prob- Obama. I prefer the term lems and stresses about ‘liberal.’ Much nicer.) hurricane Sandy, like how all the food in my To my roommate who is fridge will be rotten be- never there: Why did you cause I have no power pay for housing if you at home, or how fucked literally spend max like my car is because of the 5 minutes in our room fucking flooding, or even any given week? I mean, how I haven’t had a good thanks for letting me live nights rest for two days in in a huge single, but straight because I’ve been I feel like I shouldn’t be thinking about how this allowed to sit around in fucking hurricane will my underwear listening rip through my house be- to Abba without judgecause news stations like ment. Please save me to give old people heart from myself. attacks. This week will surely make up for the (Depending on the genshitty placement of Hal- der of who wrote this, this loween on humpday and is either really hot or rethe fact that i spent half ally disrutbing. If its a guy, my paycheck on grocer- you certainly are a ‘dancin’ ies on Sunday. Sincerely, queen.’) a guy kicking himself for wasting all his money on When did LOL Elmo bebread and milk in prepa- come an actual product? ration for that bitch San- I haven’t seen daytime television in months. dy. It confounds me. He (Oh no! You had to drink al- doesn’t LOL so much as he ROFL’s. cohol? How terrible!) Who really wanted a hug (Lalala that’s Elmos song!) from Chris Christie? Like really of all people you Rutgers, what more can I expect from a public want a hug from him? SKool, who evacuates (Because a lot of people lost students from their dorm power and were cold. His at 10AM Tuesday night eskimo-like warmth could at the height of the storm heat all of Burlington Coun- to a another dorm whose ty. Also, if you tuck pork room was partially blown roll under his fat flaps, you off? can have a traditional Jersey (You can expect a quality breakfast in twenty minutes education from a fine school. or less! Order now!) And herpes.)
Sup everybody! Its your favorite person who you sometimes recognize in the hallway because of that dumb ‘Red Bandana Kid’ video. I’m the extremely talented,
wonderful, fantastic, funny, handsome, funny head writer of this magazine, who is funny. Did you miss me editing the news? Did you know I stopped being news editor, like, a year ago? Do you give a shit about any of
this? Probably not. But I can assure you if you’ve ever
laughed at anything that has ever been printed in this paper, you can be assured I wrote it because I am wonderful and everyone else sucks.
So today I decided to stop by the Personals page and
lend a hand in this trying time. The previous Personals editor, Lil Bit, was taken from here to a much better place. (Editing the news, a much less mind-numbing gig.) I don’t know how long I’ll be here, but while I take over I’ll make sure the other Personals editor gets his
bottle every four hours and has his naptime. He can be so fussy when noone is paying attention to him.
Aside from that, I’ll be responding to your mindless drek on this page in the typical fashion.
Or I would if you mindless fucktards actually submit-
ted anything. I’m not sure if we’ve pounded this into your heads yet, but YOU have to write the content for this page. You have to get on your darned computing de-
vices and send us things! We even went to thr trouble of having a goddamned email solely for recieving any nonsense you feel is fit to complain about:
themedium.personals@gmail.com MORE NONSENSE
ALL FROM THE SAME GUY
To the political science girl i met a couple months ago: i know you want me, you cant deny it, i know you want this bill right here in your legislature, if ya know what i mean ;) no but seriously let me take out on a date
I respect the gays commitment. Dude doesn’t even take this class but came to chill with his man. Tht takes balls. Gay balls. Mr. Hetero Observer
To the guy playing awesome music on my floor: why did you stop! You were just getting to the good part of that song and just cut it off. Normally you play crap and I thought we finally had something good going (Because he finally got sick of playing decent stuff. His fingers ached to play Nickelback on the quad so girls can make goo goo eyes at him.)
Louis st was first street back with power following Sandys bitch fit. Did I feel bad for the rest of u? Only until I threw down n got drunk with a buncha ppl
My sister n her family will no longer have in(Tell her you want to set a come if Obama is elected precedent in her pants. That n ObamaCare goes into would make her judge’s effect. Please vote Romney chambers sooooo wet.)
(These have been run unedited. You would think the miserable grammar/spelling or his right-leaning posts irk me. But what really gets me is that he sent these from a Blackberry. COME ON!)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, November 7h, 2012
the Medium
“Booty, booty, booty rocking evrywhere!!!”
EVERYDAY I’M TRUFFLIN’
EXES
Think you can do a better job than me? Come to our meetings and prove me wrong! Wednesdays 6:30-7:30pm RSC Room 439
To our not so beautiful ex-roommates...sorry your so fat, weird, and unsociable. Thanks for agreeing to a room swap! Sincerely, the cutest fucking couple of roommates you’ve ever seen. P.S. We both had sex on your beds when we lived with you.
WHY DONT YOU EMAIL ME ANYMORE ?!?!?!?! themedium.personals@gmail.com The fact that I have a penis (yes I checked) and I adamantly listen to T-Swift just shows how great an artist she truly is! Task Of The Week = Post “Swerve” as yout status
POLITICS
NICE PERSONALS
to the pussies that give a shit about other people giving a shit bout politics. Fuckoff already, if u don’t want to get involved thn don’t. U say people only give a shit every 4 years. Maybe they care all 4 years but they can only do something about it every 4 years...ignorant dumb fucks.
To the kid who always wears those bright, loud sweaters, DON’T LET THE HATERS GET YOU DOWN. You keep rocking those Cosbys and don’t stop for anyone.
(Too many fucks to care for.) To the dumb, decrepit, duence trying to awkwardly get people to work for Bob Menendez. My name ain’t Robin. And at least wear a freaking uniform. Like Batman... or Robin. Yeeeeah Robin. (Holy politics Batman!!!)
(Zippity zop with the puddin poppp!!!) To the guy I met on the bridge near Rt. 18 who ripped a page out of his Shakespeare book and invited me to his poetry reading: even though it was a little corny and weird that we met that way, I’m really glad we did and hopefully I’ll get the courage to come check out your readings! (You wont.)
I can’t wait for the elec- To my neighbor on tion to pass so all the Bartlett, thank you so uninformed assholes can much for hanging with stop posting political sta- me after the storm and tuses and clogging up my helping me clean up my news feed. Learn your backyard. Next time I see shit before you post shit. you I’m getting you a six For a safe and secure so- pack of craft beer, cuz I’m that hipster. ciety... Vader ‘12 REAL AD
IDLE THREATS To the girl who previously owned my poetry textbook and marked the shit out of it, thanks for making all the words fucking impossible to read. How about I come over and use green, purple, and pink pens to write all over your face.
(The contrasting colors will (Now THAT is how you reall bring out all the errors mess with someone. Mind- on her face.) games at its finest.) To whomever hung that To my ex-girlfriend who voodoo from the Blaire doesnt go to rutgers: Witch Project people call you are fat so stop deny- a chandelier in the center ing it, every living per- of Nielson Dining hall, son that i know all agree Fuck you! How did you you are fat, i hope some even make that monchubby chaser goes after strosity? Did you go into you, that way, youll have the woods one day, colsomeone to watch as you lect a bunch of twigs, cut get a heart attack from off some deer’s antlers eating that third big mac and bat’s wings, and go ape shit with some Elmer’s Glue? That abomiRANDOM SHIT nation doesn’t even beKent St? That loss had long in a garbage dump. Schiano’s face all over it. It’s only true place in the I thought you were dif- world is in an art exhibit ferent Flood. You broke in Filthydelphia. There it my heart can take it’s rightful place (I guess its time we start the among the other artwork atrocities that pussy-fagChas Dodd chants again.) got-retards from around To the black dude who the world ooo, and ahh speaks mandarin flu- about, while smugly enently in weekend bus. joying the sweet aroma of Dude! that’s respect bro! their own farts. HopefulMandarin is a hard shit..I ly when they do finally heard I should just take hang it there, it falls on a a W on Chinese class. whole gaggle of those fart It’s a shame that I cannot sniffing douche bags, enspeak mandarin when suring that their inferior I’m Chinese. DNA never gets passed on to future generations. To the girl next to me in the computer lab: your To my roommate- I don’t whining about your cod- get why you have to be ing project hurts my ears so fucking loud in the like a cacophony of dying mornings but I swear to god it’s getting on my aborted fetuses. last nerve. Yesterday you woke me up because you UNSYMPATHETIC were dumping coins onto your desk and counting To the short haired girl them all one by one. Like working at Brower and sorry I didn’t know I was yapping your face off roommates with King to the the guy who also fucking Midas counting works here and clearly his satchels of gold every doesn’t give two shits morning...grow up. about anything you’re saying......you just called (One night you should just yourself more athletic dumo all of King Midas’ goand better looking than ing on his head while he’s whatever girl you’re sleeping.) comparing yourself to.......I wish you would To motherfucking Instop being so ridiculous- Design, I swear on Jean ly cocky so I can enjoy my Claude Van Damme the dinner and stop thinking next time you don’t align about whatever hideous properly I’m going to creature you’re speaking buy a different form of of that could possibly be newspaper formats. uglier and less athletic (I hate Macs with a seething than you. passion.)
To the guy who decided to close nichol ave.(who probably works for the city not rutgers) I was going to call you an insulting name, but then i realised that i couldnt think of one. An appropriate name for you has not been uttered since someone said it about atilla the hun, and has since been lost to history. Why would you close a road all the buses take, as well as the way i take to my parking spo t, during the week. Couldnt this have waited for the weekend or better yet, winter break. As for your punishment, death would be merciful. I hope that pinecones are shoved into every orrifice on your body. then you are pushed down and elevator. Every once and a while ill stop the elevator. Giving you hope. As you make your way to the top youll see me standing there, laughing as i kick you back down and start the elevator again. Sincerely Go fuck yourself (Go see a therapist.) To the stupid bitch in my Ed psych class- no one thinks anything you say is funny including your group members. How dare you start shhhhhing people during class when half the time you’re talking while the professor is talking anyway you stupid hypocritical bitch. And if you fucking laugh at the girl in front of class one more time I’m going to rip those stupid pink strands out of your hair. To the fucking hipster who keeps scooping my ear with plastic utensils, if I catch you doing this one more time I’m going to stab those utensils so many times those hipsters you so adore will think your assualt too mainstream. (To quote Alan Rickman when speaking to Kevin Costner, “I will cut your heart out with a SPOON!”) To my poli sci professor who didn’t move back this weeks test because of Hurrican Sandy; I hope your house gets blown away during the upcoming Nor’easter so you’ll be forced to cancel class
THE BACK PAGE
Wednesday, November 7th, 2012
“BAGELS”
The Amazing Adventures of Al Gore
My Roomate Sleeping
Al Gore saw this page and its breakfast glory, and he liked it so much that he decided to get some delicious pancakes.
BY RANDOM PEOPLE AND THEIR ROOMMATES | SENDMOREPICTS
What’s Shakin’? Tonight at 6:30PM Medium Meeting @ CAC Student Center Room 439 We need more friends, please show up Wednesday at 4:00 PM Understanding Landscape @ VCook/Douglass Lecture Hall It’s speaking to you, you just need to understand what it’s saying Thursday at 12:00 PM Improving Your Syllabus @ Rutgers Student Center Make your class better, because you know the professor won’t do it
Great job guys! So apparently I need permission to use people’s pictures so if you send a picture, please have the person in the picture’s permission typed in the email.
Nothing more satisfying than a healthy breakfast
Connect the Poppy Seeds
Things You Shouldn’t Eat For Breakfast
Connect the poppy seeds on this bagel to create a delectable picture!
1. Sheet Metal 2. Other people
Useless Review of the Week
3. Paper 4. Sweaters
BY LIL BIT | Correspondent
5. Reeses
Dinner (the meal) Picture this: You’re hungry as fuck, and you’re tryning to eat. What meal are you gonna go for? Pussy ass breakfast? Oh oops you’re not in the mood for fruit salad and quiche. Looks like it’s time to eat the manliest of all meals: DINNER. There’s a reason Dinner is king. It comes at the end of the day because you need to work up the stamina for it. You wake up at 8 am and unless you’re among that small percentage of people who gets up and immediately downs a T-bone steak, your delicate little digestive system probably can’t handle that kind of stuff. It’s only after you live your whole entire day, burning every single calorie in your system, that you’re ready for the real challenge, the real meat and potatoes of your day: the meat... and the potatoes. That you’re eating. Because it’s Dinner time. Four stars for the king of all meals, and that’s only because I can’t figure out how to make it five stars.
6. Kittens 7. Honey Smacks 8. Teddy bears 9. Compact Discs 10. Planks of Wood
Scrambled Egg Word Scramble
BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN| I don’t need your approval
Turn these eggs into an omelete by finding the ingredients E G G G E E E G G G G G E G S E G E E G
G E H G G E E G E G E G E E G G E G E G
E E A E E G E E G G G E G G G G E E P E
G G M G G E G G G G E E E E G G E E G G
E E G G G G E G E E G E G E G E P G E G
G G E G G E G E G G G E G G E P E G E E
G E B G E S A U S A G E G E E G E E G G
E G G A G E E G G G E G E R E G E G G G
G G E G C G G G E G G G S E G E G E E E
G E E G G O E E G O G E G G E E E G G G
G G G G G E N E E N G E E G E S E E H C
E G E E G G E G G I G G G E G E G G E G
G G E E G G G G G O E G E G E G G G E E
G E G G E G E G E N E E G G E G E G G E
I L O V E B A C O N
Matching Fun
Match these countries with the food they eat for breakfast
Vietnam Belgium Lions Northern Canada