This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
INSTA: @themediumRU
NOVEMBER 9TH, 2016
Volume lii Issue x 50¢
ELECTING
Since 1970
the Medium
NEWS
Wednesday, November 9th 2016
themedium.news@gmail.com
"We elected who?"
SURPRISE
Gary Johnson Elected as 45th President of the United States magic 270 electoral college votes to win the election before any other candidate. Reportedly, SALT LAKE CITY—Last night, it came as a complete shock to in a shocking upset, Gary most Americans that anyone Johnson won the election for besides Donald Trump and President of the United States Hillary Clinton was running. of America. After an election On Tuesday, many voters season unlike anything seen walked into the voting booths before in American history, the dejected, knowing that no people of the USA can finally take matter what were to happen that a deep breath before reflecting day, America was screwed. They on the impending shitstorm that would have to choose between they have brought upon their two options they didn't like. country. Local voter Inez Gardner Gary Johnson had been spoke to reporters outside her steadily polling at around 4% polling station. “I just remember of the popular vote for the final looking at my ballot and I saw few months leading up to the that there were several names election, so it may come as a in-line with Trump and Clinton. surprise that he clinched the I was shocked,” she recalled, “I BY JILL STEIN SAD WHITE DUDE
HOLY FUCK
Jill Stein Attempts Suicide Via Wi-Fi BY BARBARA NOT WALTERS SAD BROWN CHICK
SOMEWHERE BAD—After suffering an incredible loss in the presidential election, Green Party candidate Dr. Jill Stein made a drastic decision. Going strictly against her own beliefs, Stein went ahead and used Wi-Fi in an attempt to end her own life. Throughout her campaign, Stein had been a staunch critic of Wi-Fi use, claiming that the radiation “hurts kids and fries their brains.” Although her views were controversial and widely refuted by scientists, Stein remained adamant that Wi-Fi radiation is harmful and could lead to death. Wednesday morning, Stein was found laying beside an open Belkin box with her head atop a router. At the time of discovery, she was three-quarters through downloading the entire series "The Young and the Restless." Stein’s campaign manager, Gloria Mattera, was shocked when she discovered what her candidate had done. “I knew she had been upset by the results of the election, but I didn’t think it was this bad.”
Editorial
Staff Fall 2016
Mattera continued, “Obviously we know that Wi-Fi is not harmful to one’s brain, but Jill really believed that shit. So for her to try and end her own life by this method really tells me that she must have been in a very dark place.” Stein is currently being held in a mandatory 72-hour psychiatric hold in order to determine her current mental state. She has not been allowed access to phones, television, or– of course–the Internet. Mattera entreated that reporters mention the Stein campaign's continued fundraising efforts. "Hospital stays don't come cheap and we can really use help with the bills. Please visit Jill2016.com so we can care for this sick, sick woman. "It doesn't make anything easier that her family insists that the applesause in which her pills be hidden is locally-sourced USDA-certified organic." An anonymous nurse at Stein’s hospital has said that since waking, Stein has only uttered one sentence: “Fucking Gary Fucking Johnson. FUCK!”
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Sifat Mahbub Also Sifat Mahbub Not Andrej Eftimov
Fratypus
remember thinking, 'Holy fuck, we can just choose someone else?' So, I went and filled in the first bubble I saw. I didn’t remember his name afterward, but I think it probably was that Gary guy that ended up winning.” Gardner apparently had no idea that Johnson was running for President. She did, however, express some concern over her vote. “I mean, I hope he’s a good guy. He can’t be possibly worse than the other two, right?” Reportedly, it wasn’t just Gardner who got so excited upon seeing a different name than Trump or Clinton that they voted for the next name they saw. Millions of Americans ended up voting for Johnson
just out of sheer excitement that there was another option. This morning, Google searches for ‘Gary Johnson’ surged by an astronomical seven thousand percent. The American people are desperately researching their new President-Elect in an effort to gain an understanding of the man that they just voted into office. The new President-Elect is reportedly celebrating his victory by sparking up a huge joint with his campaign staff of four college interns. He has invited the great American people who voted for him to his party but has politely requested that people throw fives for the keg they ordered.
IT'S A MESS
Americans Desperately Try to Find New Diversion Topic for Thanksgiving now that Election is Over BY GRIND ALL RESIDENT MOM
AMERICA—For the past year, America has been gripped by 2016 presidential election. The election has influenced countless think pieces on The Odyssey and thousands of social media statuses lamenting how terrible this whole election is. It has also provided a great distraction for those recent college graduates and singles to divert the conversation away from their lack of employment or love life. Since its finale on Tuesday, the nation is completely confounded, aimless on what to complain about next. This seems to be especially important with the national holiday of Thanksgiving coming up. “Thanksgiving is a time when everyone gets together and asks me when I'm gonna get fucking married,” said Oklahoma resident Harry Ferguson. “I used to be able to just say, 'Hey what about that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton thing?' and then all the News Editors James Mullen III Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Dan Um Personals Editor Connor McCarthy Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Darcy Ritt
attention would be off of me.” Thousands of Americans have been shown to share Ferguson’s sense of distress. A new poll conducted by CNN showed young Americans were seriously inconclusive on how to change the subject from their failing fledgling adult life at impending Thanksgiving gatherings. About 10% of Americans said they were considering going back to the always trusty Black Lives Matter movement or even the legality gay marriage. But a handful of Americans say their family has started to see through this diversion and may need to have something else to distract them. "They know man," said Ferguson. "I can't keep distracting them with Black Lives Matter and other controversial shit". The Medium stands in solidatry with all those who will be asked about their lives this holiday season and encourages readership to find distracting conversation topics in next week's issue.
Sports Editor Michael Okolo Copy Editor Jonathan Holzsager Kevin McClintock Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Ron Jeremy
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This week's issue is dedicated to the sign that almost killed [President?] Trump.
Wednesday, November 9th, 2016 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“Lake Placid? More like Lake Flaccid.”
BACK IN MY DAY...
CHOPPED: RUTGERS EDITION
DELUXE DORM ROOM ASIAN NOODLES
SEX TIPS FROM YOUR GRANDMA BY JACQUES SHTRAPP0 Kids nowadays with all their fancy gizmos and Facebooks means that making love ain’t like it used to be. Back in my day, we would just show a little ankle and hope he didn’t have the pox, and then the magic happened. So let old granny tell you how I keep things fresh on the ole’ straw bed. My first tip is for those young ladies. Boys love it when you start talking about wanting a baby, nothing turns on a man like the thought of responsibility and the end of his youth. Now men, ladies appreciate a man who takes charge, so try to see how many layers of clothes you can poke your pulsating rod through. Remember, dry humping makes both Jesus and you happy! Ladies: once the clothes come off, that’s when you have to start using those chompers! By biting your man’s genitals, you tell him that you are still young and healthy enough to carry his seed-- nothing signifies the suppleness of youth like a bleeding scrotum. Now men, if your girl has shown her dental resilience with her bitey advances, that’s a good sign-- but you need to make sure she isn’t playing you for a fool. Modern medicine has developed a technology of false teeth, called dentures. With such technology, conniving young ladies can put on the aura of youth while possessing no actual means of eating hard tack and biscuits through the winter. So, what you can do is form a fist and punch her right in the uterus to see if it sags out. A sagging uterus is a sure sign of necrotic tissue and potential gangrene. If there’s no apparent seepage from the vagina, then we can now finally begin sinning before the almighty Lord. Now is the most crucial part. Ladies, if you experience any pleasure at all, your children are condemned to being demon spawn. Men, there is only one acceptable position, missionary, because unoriginality and lack of female empowerment is sexy. Well, that’s all that Granny can think of at the moment, but Granny will be sure to keep an ear open for any new tips that I can forward to you kids in some chain e-mail/spam format in Comic Sans. Y’all remember that granny ain’t no hollaback girl.
BY LATIN MAMA Ingredients: 1 Package of Ramen (**doesn’t matter what flavor, they all taste like butthole**) Salt Preparation 1. Place Ramen and water into the same dirty bowl that you ate ice cream out of last night because it’s the only one you own. Press wrong microwave setting and cook until molten lava hot. 2. Spill some of the water on yourself as you take it out of the tiny-ass microwave on top of your fridge. Scream explicatives loudly (fuck, mierda, cockmonkey, ballsack-shitballs, etc.). 3. Add salt. I know, Ramen is already salty AF, but it’s the only flavor additive you have in your room (unless you count the strawberry-flavored lube they were giving out for free at the student center). 4. Eat Ramen as you burn your tongue 40 times, while simultaneously allowing a single tear to fall down your cheek as you slowly realize: if you don’t eventually date someone who knows how to cook, you’ll be eating this way for the rest of your life. Enjoy your high sodium reality, Scarlet Knights!
FEATURED CAMPUS GRAFFITI OF THE WEEK
EFF THE PATRIARCHY
VAGINA WORDSCRAMBLE BY LATIN MAMA Now my Google search history has “Names for vaginas” in it. The sacrifices that we here at The Medium make for humor. 1. yspus 2. neips fyl rpta 3. iktyt 4. ajjayyva 5. aaln rtiveenatla 1. pussy
ANSWERS:
2. penis fly trap (How have I never heard this in all of my 23 years of living???!!!) 3. kitty (meowww ;) ) 4. vajayjay (thanks Oprah!) 5. anal alternative (I thought anal was the alternative?? My whole life has been a lie.)
Is school kicking your ass? Do you need a little humor in your life (besides being a disappointment to your parents time and time again?) Come to our meetings WEDNESDAYS @ 7:45 IN THE RSC, ROOM 411B
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, November 9th, 2016
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“And this one is Stan, the T-Rex.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What are you doing now the election is over? “Going back to having my own thoughts.”
Mordechai Rubenstein Own thoughts by the Rebbe.
“Fade back into obscurity for another 4 years.” Jill Stein Check out her new folk album on Soundcloud.
“What do you mean? The 2020 election cycle just started.” Jane Kolenema Political Science Major/Unemployed
TRULY THE GOLDEN BULL OF OUR TIME.
DONALD TRUMP IS AN ICON. BY JORDAN BELLENDER
As a privileged, alt-right, 20 something, cis-male I for one appreciate all that Donald Trump has brought to the culture of America this election season. The concept of being able to call a former US Senator, First Lady, and Secretary of State a “nasty woman” on the national stage is liberating. These were opinions that I would usually have to keep sequestered inside of me, but now thanks to “The Donald” it’s now an acceptable term in everyday parlance. Also we have a new phrase added to the lexicon of locker room talk, “Grab ‘em by the pussy” only The Donald could have written prose of such calibre for the everyday man. Donald Trump has gone above and beyond the call of duty this election cycle by bringing the level of discussion to an all new level, one where we can bypass the stifling nature of political correctness and start talking about the real issues that americans face. About all those “bad hombres” on the streets going around raping and murdering kids, and creating damning nicknames of career politicians. In my eyes there is no greater American than the Trumpster. The white male has been oppressed for far too long, but thanks to the Donald we can now cast off our chains and embrace the freedoms entitled to all americans. There was Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King Jr, and Harvey Milk for all those other people, but now is the time for the champion and demagogue of the white cis-male!
THAT’S NOT KOSHER
I REALLY WANT TO FUCK MY PET PIG.
BY SASHA ROMAINE I’ve been thinking about fucking my pet pig. His name is Umberto, and he’s my best friend. But let me take a step back. I’ve had Umberto since I was 14, and now 22. I just recently got married last year and my husband is overseas. Not in the military, he’s a traveling salesman; he sells pillowcases. So I spend most of the year alone, with no one to really comfort me. Except Umberto. And the thing is, Umberto is old. Pigs only live to be 8 years old, and my Umbie is 7, so I don’t have much time with him. We have such a close bond already, I want it to become even more unbreakable, and what bonds two souls more than sex? I know what I’m saying is unconventional, but it’s not my fault. No one has ever cared for me or loved me the way Umberto has; he’s been there for me when I’m sad, and cuddles with me when I’m cold. My own husband doesn’t even do that! So of course I have to turn to my pet pig for solace. I have the perfect spot, too. My backyard. It gets really muddy when it rains, so it’s the perfect, warm spot. I should probably go get ready, actually. It’s supposed to rain all day tomorrow.
SUCKS TO PEE YOU
I’M STUCK ON THE TOILET BY STAN SHARONA
Holy fucking shit! I’ve been on the toilet for the past two fucking hours and I don’t think there’s any chance that I get off of here anytime soon. I can’t take it. My ass is so raw. I have been trying to get off of the throne for so long. I keep wiping and wiping and wiping, but it just keeps coming out of me. Like a goddamn river! I keep thinking I’m done, and just when I start to get off, I give myself one more push, just to see, and I feel it. I feel that squirt of another poop nugget and I’m back at it again. I’ve been doing this for two fucking hours, I’ve missed one class already, and there is no chance I’m making it to my other one in time. I’m really worried too, because I’ve already gone through two rolls of toilet paper, and I’m down to the last one, anything past that point and it’s the Targum that I keep in here. I’ll admit it, I actually got out a few minutes ago, but then I instantly rushed back in as I felt the torrent of shit about to erupt out of my asshole. It isn’t even just shit anymore! The toilet paper is coming out looking like someone dragged the Imperial Japanese Navy flag from World War II through a large puddle of mud. In the past two hours, I swear I have developed at least three hemorrhoids and I can feel them pushing out of me. One is definitely dangling. I can see it too, it’s just there, bloodying up the toilet bowl. I can’t fucking take it any longer, I want to die. It won’t fucking stop, I just keep shitting. I just want this life to end. This is the fucking worst, and I’m about to use my last square of toilet paper. My asshole is so fucking raw it hurts to wipe. And I think my anus just prolapsed. The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Send your hate mail to not me. We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com And if you see us on Tinder? Super like us or swipe right.
Wednesday, November 9th, 2016
themedium.arts@gmail.com
“WE ARE NOT FUCKED” BY SAWYER
“I WENT APPLE PICKING SUNDAY” BY DANKUM
ARTS
“I’m not funny and I want to kill myself.”
the Medium
“DONALD TRUMP THE MOVIE” BY DANKUS BONG
DICK OF THE WEEK: “AMERICA” BY DANGUS KONG
SEND SUBMISSIONS! PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. IT GIVES ME LESS WORK.
FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS: MONDAYS 8PM (LIVI STUDENT CENTER 117D) WEDNESDAYS 7:45PM (COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 411B)
PERSONALS
the Medium Grilled Cheese! Do you believe in the elderly? No. Once you become middle aged you stay that way until you die. Or you turn 65. Whichever comes first. I wonder how long it would take to make 200 grilled cheese sandwitches. One, I think you meant ‘sandwich’. One is a delicious foodstuff and the other are women with magical abilities with an affinity with beaches or some shit. Two, it would take quite a while. hopefully you can get it done in less that 70 days. My mom just called me. Why can’t she accept that I’m in college and have my own life now? She probably thinks you’re too pathetic to succeed.
Wednesday, November 9h, 2016
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“Deer with antlers are a myth!.”
Adorable Genitalia Seriously? You can’t fucking take the stairs from the first floor to the second? I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON A COCK.
Tell me something. If raisins evolved from grapes, then why do grapes still exist? Evolution is a myth!
The interior of the average human mouth is 1.8 inches long, according to the internet. So chocking on a cock is actually pretty likely. Wait, is that fact right? It seems a little far fetched.
Raisins didn’t evolve from grapes, you ignorant boob. They’re essentially stale, dried up grapes. So raisins are discusting and evolution is real.
To the blonde girl in my psychology class, you’re adorable. I’m sure she’ll both read this page, and realize this personal is about her. I mean, how many blonde girls in psychology classes can there be? Disco will never come back. Don’t let your guard down. Pokemon came back. Disco could return as well.
I came to a shocking realization that reindeer actually exist. If reindeer are real, does that mean everything else in the Santa mythos are real? Not only does that mean that the Santa mythos are real, but it means the Easter Bunny exists too. Also the Native American genocide we celebrate wtice every year also happened. But groundhogs aren’t real. Some things are just too rediculous.
Punching Things
Rest In Peace to one of the few positive things New Jersey had. We’ll miss you, cheap gas.
My off campus house is kind of run down and I don’t want to live in it anymore. Rather than sublet like a rational human being, I will fight my house, and slay it with my bare hands. You can’t slay a building with your bare hands. You need a stick. Fortunately you can find one from trees, which are everywhere, or at least they are now before the great humantree war begins. Isn’t it weird when graduated people show up at parties and club meetings? Shouldn’t they move on?
Ever wanted to be a part a competitive Minesweeper team?
No Hints!
Myths and Facts
Normally I use this space or the other space to hint at what’s going to be in the paper this week. But this time, I don’t want to spoil it. So I won’t.
BDSM and Cows
Workout Advice
Why are BDSM whips so difficult to find? They’re much more expensive than you probably expected. As a result, nobody buys them so supply is low. I know. I tried to get one at a reasonable price. It didn’t work.
I just realized that I’m a fat piece of shit and have decided I will fix it. But before I commit to liposuction, I’m going to try to lose 30 pounds in a week with diet and excercise. Do you have any advice? What’s the best workout routine? Or diet?
Can we genetically engineer animals to expel smells through their mouths instead of sounds? I’d rather smell new car smell when a cow opens its mouth instead of hearing MOO!
Here’ s what worked for me. First, fat is caused by fat cells combining inside your body. Fire burns fat cells, so just make a fire, jump in, and roll around for half a minute. Repeat until you are at your ideal weight.
You realize, of course, that the effort and money spent on that would far exceed any benefit we would get. Somethings we are better off not bothering with. Like trying to grow a fingernail tree. I learned that lesson the hard way as a toddler.
Yes, they should. That doesn’t mean they will though.
Tell me it’s not too late to make something out of my life.
Is it possible to train yourself to not fall in love with everyone pretty that I have a conversation with? I’m asking for a friend.
No.
You literally referred to yourself in the question with first person pronouns.
Too bad, there’s no such thing. But we exist!
Today is the day I will finally punch the bird that wakes me up at 6 in the morning in the fucking face.
Come to our meetings on Wednesday 7:45pm at the RSC, room 411B.
Good luck with that. Birds are notorious hard to punch. If you succeed, tell me how.
Competition I’m trying to start a competitive Rutgers minesweeping team. If interested, hmu at (fak) enu-mber. How would that even work? Minesweeper is a single player game. Playing it competitively would involve editing the game until its a shell of its former self, having lost what made it fun. Kind of like Smash Bros.
I’m Dreaming I said goodbye to my dogs as i was leaving the house, and they were so sad that they wouldn’t even look me in the eye. They’re probably faking it so that you don’t wise on to the criminal enterprise that they’re involved in. If you happen to find 50,000 dollars in cash soon, you know where it came from. I dreamed that I had a normal sized penis and I also had a second penis that was 22.34 feet long when flaccid, and 22.5 feet long when erect. The second penis was named Joesph and he made it difficult to find pants. How were you aware the exact specifications of Joesph? Did you measure it? Why would you waste time with that when you could use Joesph as a weapon to fight crime? Or cause crime?
ITS FUCKING OVER! LEAKED CONCESSION SPEECHES
My fellow Americans, I would like to preface this speech with a heartfelt congratulations to the Republican nominee and *take deep breath Hillary, you can do this* winner of the 2016 Presidential Election, Donald J. *stands for jerk* Trump. I, of course, will concede the victory to him, and this in no way has affected my ambition to help this country to my best ability. I will continue to wo- GOD DAMN IT GOD FUCKING DAMN IT YOU PEOPLE ARE SUCH MORONS! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS NOT VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP AND WHAT DO YOU GO AND DO? THAT! HOW COULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS TO ME AGAIN AMERICA?! ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE IN THE WHITE HOUSE AS SOMETHING OTHER THAN A SMOKING HOT BITCHIN’ FIRST LADY BUT NOOOOOOOO, YOU GOTTA ELECT THE ONLY MAN IN THE COUNTRY THAT IS ACTUALLY DOWNGRADING HIS LIFESTYLE TO LIVE THERE? DO YOU THINK HE’S GONNA PAY TAXES ON THAT SHIT? THE GUY WON’T EVEN SPEND MONEY ON A DECENT TOUPEE. MY HAIR WOULD BE THE GREATEST HAIR A LEADER HAS HAD SINCE YOUNG STALIN! AM I TELLING IT LIKE IT IS YET, AMERICA? FUCK IT, I’M MOVING TO NORTH KOREA, I’LL SEND YOU ALL AN EMAIL WHEN I GET THERE, HOPE I DON’T DELETE IT FIRST. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Folks, it is bad. It is sooo bad. Let me tell you. This country, and this is a tremendous country by the way, is going to bad places, people. I’ve had thousands of people come up to me since yesterday, and they say, “Donald, how could you let crooked Hillary Clinton steal this election from you, you should really do something about that nasty woman.” Let me tell you, if this election was not RIGGED, this country would have elected the correct candidate, let me tell you, I am the right president *wait for hordes of people to stop applauding and chanting your beautiful name*. Now folks, I know that all of you are upset, and believe me, I am so upset, you have never met anyone more upset than me, but I can also back down like a man, and I am a man, big league. That is why I want you people to go out there and keep this thing going, we are still in this people. I am NOT saying that we should march on Washington, but let me just say, there was a guy that did that a long time ago in the 60’s, and people loved that remember? I’m not saying I’m Martin Luther King, but the blacks do love me, folks. But I will say people, the Second Amendment people could take care of Hillary, if you know what I mean. Folks, let me tell you, I am DEFINITELY NOT saying that we should make our own America, even though it would be way better than the America that Hillary is going to turn this one into, because let’s face it people, if I left the country, none of the good people would be left here to stop Hillary. People, no matter what the lying media tells you, I am the real president.
Most Likely to...
Look Alikes
Most likely to... mistake the moon for the sun- Gary Johnson Most likely to... be Mistaken for a Serial Killer- Ted Cruz Most likely to... secretly be a child in oversized suit- Donald Trump Most likely to... suck dick to become president- Chris Christie Most likely to...abolish Wi-Fi- Jill Stein Most likely to...be late for the bus- Bernie Sanders Most likely to...be president- Hillary Clinton
Ted Cruz- Kevin from The Office Bernie Sanders- Larry David Donald Trump- A bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos Marco Rubio- A Florida frat douche Hillary Clinton- Mrs. Doubtfire Gary Johnson- A lizard
November 9th, 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com THIS IS BIGLY
RUTGERS FOOTBALL RANKED BELOW TRUMP UNIVERSITY
BY MIKE HAWK MOST LIKELY TO SMILE
PISCATAWAY—This past week on ESPN, the NCAA released the recent rankings of all college football teams. This was an extensive, well thought out list that was concluded by polls that took into the account of all coaches as well as some analysts. Our analysts here at The Medium took a look at the list and our very own Scarlet Knights are ranked at 129th place. That is directly below the famed Trump University. We have reached out to a spokesperson for Trump University asking how they managed to gain a spot on the NCAA rankings for football teams when they do not possess one. "We here at Trump University expect nothing but the best from our staff. We will be the best non football
Hey hockey still exists Other Chicago teams feel inadequate White Sox renamed Caucasian Sox
Trust Me Trump towers, the practice area for the football team
having team this country has ever seen. No other college will be better at not having a football team than us, no one; I can promise you that." Although the university spokesperson did not answer our question, it was clear that he was very passionate about being the greatest non-team
having sports team this great nation has ever seen. Trump University will do everything in its power to make college football great again. We should do our part as the Scarlet Knights to help as well as chant "Lock up Penn State" this Saturday.
YOU PIG!
PETA BUYS OUT NFL, PIGS USED AS FOOTBALLS BY CAILLOU HATES PIGS
NEW YORK CITY— Earlier this morning, animal rights group PETA reportedly bought out the NFL, in order to force football players to use live pigs instead of footballs. The inclusion of this recent rule has been introduced with heavy scrutiny, which prompted PETA to make a statment saying, "The usage of live pigs instead of the barbaric 'pigskins' previously used will prevent the slaughtering of millions of pigs a year, while still maintaining the spirit of America's favorite pasttime." Critics of this rule have argued that the football has never been made out of pigskin, and official NFL footballs have actually been made out of cowhide since 1955. PETA has not yet responded to these claims. Defensive lineman David Carter has become a vocal
FASTBALLS
supporter of the new rule. "This is a big win for us vegans. Also a big win for pigs everywhere, cause they don't have to die and stuff. Bit of an inconvenience for those pigs getting tossed around now, but I don't believe that all pigs should be able to live in peace, if that means that even one pig must be sacrificed." Quarterback and part-time philosopher Russell Wilson had an opposing opinion to David Carter. "Why shouldn't all pigs
be able to live peaceful, freeroaming lives in exchange for the death of a member? Do the ends not justify the means in such an extreme scenario as this? If the pigs can live with the notion that they must kill one of their own to create footballs from his or her hide, then so be it I say." In a survey on NFL.com, when asked what the fans thought of the new ruling, 84% of surveyors were "excited as tits for field goals and touchdown dances."
mad
SInce 1970
Jets fan admits through snot and tears "maybe this isn't our year" Girl tries to fit in by memorizing sports facts Upset student tries to relate sports fastball to not getting his classes GS Warriors looking more like GS Hunters and Gatherers