11/3/99

The Entertainment Weekly of Disillusionment

Wednesday, November 2, 1999

“31 years of gnashing of teeth”

Volume XXXI Number 4

EDITORIALS

anish1@eden

Wednesday November 3, 1999

Fuck Parental Notification

by Amanda Hoffman, EiC

Becky Bell was the first teenage victim of an abortion law that required her to gether parents consent for an abortion, or ask permission from a judge in the state of Indiana. Unwilling to disappoint her parents by telling them and aware that judges in Indiana were not giving permission, Becky sought an illegal abortion and died as a result of a massive infection on September 16, 1988.

I am disgusted by Whitman’s actions in regard to parental notification legislation. She participates in the dangerous and hypocritical game of slowly eroding women's hard-won rights. By continually increasing the difficulty in obtaining an abortion, she contributes to a anti-life climate: where young mothers give birth in secret and abandon or kill their newborns; where young and promising women die from infection caused by illegal abortions; where a woman's ability to decide her own fate is taken from her and placed in the hands of a slow-moving bureaucracy.

I am tired of seeing abortion rights used as a handy way for Republicans to gain credibility among their hate-mongering, anti-woman, racist, imperialist, short-sighted White Protestant Male constituents. Abortion rights are treated as though women's reproductive rights were dependent on current social and political opinions and not any belief in the right to privacy and self-determination. Since teen pregnancy rates have been declining for the past six years, and are down 15% from 1991(according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), it is clear that lawmakers work on this unnecessary legislation in order to conceal inaction on other issues, such as the millions of who are not receiving adequate medical coverage. Parental consent laws are not in the best interest of NJ minors. They would be better served with better gun legislation, better educational opportunities, adequate health care, and cleaner cities.

You cannot legislate communication in families. We want to believe that all young women can talk about sensitive matters with their guardians, but in many cases, these women are subjected to mental and emotional violence by adults who do not care to understand. Perhaps if parents provided a safe space for their children and discussed safer sex, abstinence, and contraception with them, as well as providing them with examples of loving, healthy relationships, there would be less of a need for abortion. Until young women realize complete control over their bodies and their sexuality and experience relationships built on human dignity and respect, there will always be a need for abortion and there always will be abortion. But we do not need to sacrifice our young women to bloody back alley abortions while we build a less misogynous society.

Many of you out here have probably heard about Mumia abu-Jamal and his conviction and death sentence in the murder of Philadelphia police officer Daniel Faulkner. Many people have demonstrated for his freedom, or at least a new trial. Along with the demonstrations, there has been letter-writing campaings, petitions, even a benefit concert for Mumia's defense headlined by Rage against the Machine. However, few of the people out there either know what they are supporting or don't care to know. On the other side of the coin, some people are calling for Mumia's death sentence to be carried out, since they consider him a cop killer and, at least implicity, a dangerous revolutionary. In this article, I'm going to explain, in brief, the facts behind Mr. abu-Jamal's murder case, and explain why many people who are fighting for his justice may be undermining justice for him and for all.

First, let me tell you a little bit about Mr. abu-Jamal. Before his conviction in 1982, he was a journalist based in Philadelphia who often wrote articles that were critical of the government and police.

At one point in his life, he was the Minister of Information for the Black Panther Party chapter in Philadelphia, and we all know about

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Cover by: Amanda Hoffman

Arts Personals Personals Personals What’s Shakin’

MEDIUM

CONTENTS

THE

how the government just loves the Black Panthers! Anyway, a lot of the details about the case aren't clear, but a few facts are. On December 9, 1981, William Cook was stopped by Daniel Faulkner for a traffic violation. According to whose account you believe, either the prosecution's or the defense's, either Cook attacked Faulkner or Faulkner attacked Cook. Regardless, Mr. abu-Jamal, who was moonlighting as a cab driver and was parked across the street, came out of his car and towards Cook, who was his brother, and Faulkner. According to the conviction, Mr. abu-Jamal shot Faulkner from about a distance of 1012 inches. However, while people have placed Mr. abu-Jamal at the scene of the crime, he has not been CLEARLY (and can't stress clearly enough) linked to shooting Faulkner. Also, the bullets that killed Faulkner have not been linked to Mr. abu-Jamal's gun. Accounts of this case have been confusing. Many of the eyewitnesses have changed their stories repeatedly. Also, there have been a lot of suspicious events around this case, such as missing evidence, a phantom confession by Mr. abu-Jamal, jury tampering and much, much more. For more info on this case, you can try the Free (Continued on page 3)

The Editorial Staff Editor in Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor

Amanda Hoffman Chris Taylor Heather Thomson Anish Mehta Chris Taylor Garrett Glick John Minus

Personals Editors What’s Shakin’ Editor Staff Artist Online Editor Advertising Manager Senior Editor

Jason Postelnik & Mike Molino Chris DeSarno Chris DeSarno Heather Thomson Anish Mehta

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM was located in the Yorba Lounge of Tillett Hall, Livingston Campus. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM L.P.O 16405 P.O Box 5064, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903-5064 or emailed to amandah@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number is (732) 445-1999. You can freeze to death in this lab.

OPINIONS

anish1@eden

The fact that our lives are changing and evolving, especially in these formative college years, is a frightening notion to many. This can explain the difficulty that many have in choosing a major or graduating and finding a job.

Most people come into college as foolish bright-eyed dreamers. I, too, had aspirations to be a figure of significance in this world. This however, was well before the weight of the world s problems compounded by the trivial ones that the bureaucracy of Rutgers has provided crushed my drive and ambitions. I now spend my days searching for nude pictures of Joey Buttafuco on the Internet and my nights as merely one of hundreds of George Street crack whores taking it up the ass for many so I can go into the Watermelons, Feminine Hygiene, and Crack isle of CTown and buy myself some cheap form of happiness. It s how I ve decided to deal with growing up and maybe others can benefit from a similar change in lifestyle.

If not, there are many other examples of people who were once a bit confused about their own lives or careers.

One example is O.J. Simpson.

After a wonderful and successful career in acting and fucking models, he started killing people. This is a perfect way to deal Continued from page 2 Mumia website at http://www.geocities.com/ CapitolHill/8533/mumia.html. For a antiMumia perspective, you can try http:// www.justice4danielfaulkner.com/. There are also many sites on the World Wide Web if you search for them.

Based on the unusual circumstances behind this case, I believe that at the very least that Mr. abu-Jamal should get a new trial, if not released. Many people upon reviewing the facts of the case have come to the same conclusion. However, many people have come to this conclusion simply after hearing someone say "Free Mumia!" On campus and throughout the world at large, Mumia has become a cause celebre'. However, many of the people supporting Mumia either don't know the details of the case or don't try to disseminate the facts of the case when spreading the word. When such a complex case is reduced to a mere catch-phrase, it makes it easy for people to criticize that the people fighting for his freedom are just mindless sheep being lead along by a charismatic cop killer. The very people fighting for his freedom are very much jeopardizing it, in my opinion.

Then there are the old right-wing bigots who would do anything to get at the last of

Wednesday November 3, 1999

with the post graduation frustrations of paying loans or living with your parents and working in a cubicle.

If you d rather do something a bit different, maybe Bob Dole s life can help.

Dole, who was once a powerful politician and a presidential nominee, has retired and now spends his days and nights at his home waiting for an erection.

McCauley Caulkin, the cute young boy from the Home Alone Movies, also hit a crossroads in his life. After spending years as a child actor, Caulkin decided to change his image and began a career in the gay and midget porn industry.

After his initial failure in the new genre, he now acts and directs successful features like The Phantom Penis, in which he gained fifty pounds to play the role of Jabba the Fuck, and Homo Alone 4 in which he won notoriety for the comical scene where Caulkin s character is shown shaving his genitals for the first time. More recently, his movie, E3-The Extra Testicle, won the prestigious Dildo Award for special effects and cinematography. (See picture below

those agitating niggers from the 60s who dared to speak for the basic human rights of Black people in America. Unfortunately, their approach is equally misguided. The American justice system is designed to convict people of crimes, not to settle old scores. Anyone who comes in with this mentality towards the case (which is apparent in the many people who call for his death warrant to be served) needs to realize that the justice system is not supposed to settle their old scores. To the right-wing idiots who want Mr. abu-Jamal dead, the societal change that you fought so hard against, and Mr. abu-Jamal has fought so hard for, has happened. Deal with it.

I'm not against people asking for a new trial for Mr. abu-Jamal. What I am against is misinformed fadism in politics. Civil rights was "in" during the 60s and look what has happened to the movement now. As soon as it went out of style, the Civil Rights movement died. I don't want justice for Mumia, or for anyone for that matter, to go out of style. So, if you want to cry for his freedom, learn the facts about the case, and educate as many people as possible. Otherwise, when "Free Mumia" goes out of style, Mr. abu-Jamal goes into death and takes justice with him.

By Todd Graham

for a scene from this soon to be classic) Going to school for aour entire lives and suddenly having to stop, get a job, and adapt to a new way of living can seem confusing to some. However, everyone has been through this type of situation at least once in their lives. I got through it with the power of faith and crack/cocaine. Remember, There are many twists and turns in the highway of life, and some of us just drive off the road and kill the person in the passenger seat as a drunken Senator Ted Kennedy once said.

ROOM 113 IN THE ORGANIZATIONS OFFICE

NEWS

If you didn’t vote, y’ain’t got no right to complain.

Wednesday, November 3, 1999

Man Sees God in Vomit

By Christopher Taylor MEDIUM STAFF

By Troy Crowder tcrowd4@hotmail.com

Last year the Medium ran an amusing column titled “Two Jews on Porn” (Since when were the Two Jews funny?—NewsEd) in which two Jewish men would review porn movies. In the course of one of their columns, they made a remark about an uncircumcised penis being “unsanitary.” This is far from uncommon, as it is urban folklore, known by many and accepted without question. Well, it seems that the authors of such statements are more in denial than someone who thinks they’ll live to see the Rutgers football team in a bowl game, for circumcision is not only totally unnecessary but detrimental to a man’s sex life. And those that insist otherwise are just chopped boys who don’t want to hear that sex is so much better than what they know.

The customary argument for male circumcision is something about it being more sanitary (Being Jewish isn’t reason enough?—NewsEd), usually saddled with some talk about lower cancer or STD rates (based upon studies that have been discredited). But what these arguments fail to address is a fairly plain fact: every single male mammal on the planet is born with a foreskin and human beings are the only ones to chop them off (We’re also the only ones that wear pants…except for circus monkeys— NewsEd). If it’s so unhealthy, why has nature given them to every male mammal on birth? You don’t see winkies falling off other uncircumcised mammals, from blue whales to shrews to Eurotrash men. Yes, having a foreskin does mean that its owner has to do a little bit more cleaning, but that’s far from an inconvenience. In fact, it can be loads of fun, but that’s another column...(in which he’ll describe the fun that Q-Tips and Listerine bring to an uncircumcised man—NewsEd).

A short look back in the history of circumcision in American culture reveals another great argument against it. Back in the 1800s, masturbation was given lots of blame for every medical problem that couldn’t be solved: asthma, epilepsy, writing for the Targum, writing for the Medium, etc.

Several well-respected medical minds of the time touted circumcision as a cure for masturbation. Why did they do that? Probably because of the thousands of nerve endings that are on a foreskin; since a circumcised penis doesn’t have as many nerve endings, those penises are—guess what—Less Sensitive!! Baby boys don’t usually go through circumcisions screaming just for the heck of it; the procedure is no more fun for them than it would be for an adult. And it’s also noteworthy that a recent study showed that the female partners of uncircumcised men enjoyed sex much less than the partners of circumcised men (Wait, isn’t that an argument FOR circumcision?— NewsEd). If they don’t keep comin’ back for more, that will put a dent in your sex life.

I’m sorry that I had to break this to all the victims of the scissors out there. When I’ve mentioned this to circumcised men, they get quite defensive about it. All I have to say is that one of us is enjoying sex more, and it’s not the one with less sensation in his dick. And to those Jewish readers, you may be interested to know that there’s even disagreement among Jewish scholars as to the nature and need for circumcision (What need have you apart from G-D’s having decreed it?—NewsEd). In closing, I urge everyone reading this to consider the facts (Where?—NewsEd) I’ve given you (or read more about it at www.noharmm.org). When you bring another male consumer into the world one day, let that penis be!!!

Jesus is going door-to-door to ask, Do you want to switch your energy provider?

Don t fall into his trap. Just cause he promises a 10% discount doesn t mean that you ll save money.

PSE&G has a delivery charge for using other providers. Just punch him in the genitals next time he comes around. Then recall the wise words of George Washington: That ll learn em.

blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood

NEW BRUNSWICK--A Halloween party attendee, one Jacob the Liar McGuire, reportedly saw God in his oral-excrement after drinking his weight in Captain Morgan spiced rum.

I knew it was him, says McGuire. I knew it was fucking God, man, cause he said all sorts of Biblical shit like, go forth, my son, with a loud booming voice. Fucking scary, man.

According to others at the party, McGuire went into the bathroom at roughly midnight to yak. Shortly after the yakking sounds ceased, McGuire reportedly began to scream some crazy shit about God being present in his vomit.

McGuire, who went as Robin Williams playing Jessica Rabbit in the new Broadway production of Who Framed , was considered by his friends to have been a lightweight and never should have had so much.

Who Framed

Roger Rabbit?

At roughly half past twelve, McGuire was seen streaking through Vorhees Mall after shedding his red-sequined dress in a nearby grease truck. He claimed that God was not a fan of Robin Williams work, especially Patch Adams, and was upset to see that Who Framed was being defiled by such a hairy untalented man.

Neither God nor Robin Williams could be reached for comment on the event, but Connie Chung is being questioned about her whereabouts chung! chung! chung! the night of October 31, 1999. chung! chung! chung!

Sensei Mikao Usui encourages you to channel your Reiki energy into NEWS SUBMISSIONS. Send all your NEWS SUBMISSIONS to naziphallus@hotmail.com

Warning: column, not news, follows.

chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung!

chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung!

chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung! chung!

Standing around? Looking for advertising space?

Contact Heather Thompson at hthomp@home.com for information.

Computers Down, Students Must Re-Register

By Sergio NEW BRUNSWICK--Due to a computer malfunction, some students may have to reregister for classes. One of the main computers has gone down and the technical experts are unsure of how to bring it back.

It seems that a power surge has fried a computer and some records are lost. A few select groups must reregister for classes if they wish to enroll in Rutgers. The following groups have no record in the mainframe and will be screwed by the man: all sophomores, anyone living in New Gibbons, any staff member of the Rutgers Review, and Todd Graham.

None of these people will be able to get back into the classes they originally registered for because their section is now full. When asked to comment about the situation of these people, Fran Lawrence said, Haha, these people are pretty fucked.

Nobody knows how to fix the problem with the computer. Rutgers has tried to contact all of the engineering and computer science professors, but were referred to a TA. These TA s know exactly what they are doing, but none of them seem to be able to explain the situation in English.

Rutgers University has issued a warning to all students who have been de-registered: if you do not sign up for 12 credits by the end of the registration period, you will really be screwed. You can lose all financial aid because of your part-time registration. As a result, you cannot register because you have financial aid troubles.

Officials at the University find it comical when a student gets caught in a Catch 22. But think of the bright side; the parking department will seem a lot easier to deal with.

ATTENTION PROFESSORS Do you like The Medium?

Are you interested in becoming a faculty advisor for The Medium for the Srping semester?

Contact Editor-in-Chief AmandaHoffmanat amandah@eden.rutgers.edu

Wednesday, November 3, 1999

Jigglypuff Quits D e m o c r a t s Pokemon Tour; Shoot, Score?

By H. Thompson Sings With Def Jam Records MEDIUM STAFF

By John Minus

MEDIUM STAFF

Jigglypuff and DMX say, No mo Pokeballs.

NEW YORK World famous Pokemon/ Singer Jigglypuff (#39) announced today that he would no longer be traveling with aspiring Pokemon Trainer Ash Katchum, and would be putting out an album on the New York-based recording label Def Jam. Jigglypuff, who now wishes to be called Jigglypuff Daddy, had this to say, Jiggly ji-gil-ly jig jig jiggily puff. Fortunately, Jiggly travels with a translator who interpreted Jiggly for us. I was putting out shit you know, and it was John Blaze, but mother fuckers didn t want to recognize ya know? Niggaz was fallin asleep when I sang. So I said enough of this shit. I m doing what I always dreamed...I m gonna spit with the Ruff Ryders. Jigglypuff looked at a lot of recording labels before he finally settled with Def Jam. Def Jam CEO Russell Simons had this to say, Well, when we heard that Jiggly was looking to do an album, I signed him up right away.

He has a lot of crossover appeal, but still retains the street credibility that is vital when selling to the hip-hop community. I think Jiggly will do very well.

Jigglypuff expressed a fervent desire to join with Interscope Records Ruff Ryders label, a wish that may soon be realized. Ruff Ryders frontman DMX was quoted as saying, Yo, Jigglypuff, thas my dog. Ya know, he been barking at me for a minute, sayin he wants to Ryde wit us. So I said yo, Ryde or die muthafucka, get yo shit and get up to Yonkers so we can make this happen.

Jiggly s first single, Jiggly my Niggly is in stores now. The entire album, Jiggly What, Jiggly Who will be shipping late November.

NEWS NEWS New Tollbooths Father Time Rapes, Kills Papa for City

By Mr. Q Green Smurf, Successors MEDIUM STAFF

naziphallus@hotmail.com

WASHINGTON DC—The Democratic National Committee announced today that the nomination for president will be determined by a basketball shootout rather than delegate voting.

“Honestly, elections get downright boring,” DNC National Chair Joe Andrew said during a phone interview, “people don’t follow politics as much as we’d like them too. We thought this would be a great way to generate interest in the 2000 democratic presidential nomination.”

“Usually the national conventions have extremely low television ratings, this battle should come close to Seinfeld’s last episode,” Dawn Rogers, the Media Director of the DNC said, “We seriously considered pay-per-view, but we figured 60 Minutes would have a field day with that one.”

NBC President Josh Meyrowitz commented, “We really hope to win the bidding on this program, we’re just about broke, we need the advertising revenue.”

However, rumors surfaced almost immediately after the announcement that Rupert Murdoch of Fox allegedly beat the crap out of Ted Turner in a WCW match to win rights to air the convention.

Bill Bradley is considered the favorite to win the shootout, which will take place during the National Convention in Los Angeles California. “Gore is a bore; I score!” Bill Bradley responded to the recent announcement. OTB’s and Las Vegas casinos are currently giving 4,754 to 1 odds in favor of Bradley.

Al Gore, Veep of bang-diddlyfucking, said today, “Just because I can’t make a basket, doesn’t mean that I can’t score where it counts; do you really think Clinton choose me to be his VP because of my policies? He chose me because we swank together at local brothels. I was originally chosen to be the one to take Clinton’s heat for his sexual stupidness, but he beat me to banging that hotty Monica.” Gore said before his aides duct taped his mouth shut.

The Republican National Committee, in response to the recent announcement, released a statement that said, “Presidential nominations should not be based on a person’s athletic ability, but rather on moral character and the number of abortion clinics they have successfully bombed.”

John Darning a political science professor at the University of Maryland said, “The ramifications of this type of event will be outrageous; I can’t wait to purchase the incredible line of athletic wear Starter is already planning to produce.”

NEW BRUNSWICK A plan was approved yesterday by the city council to erect two tollbooths on Easton Avenue and George Street. The plan is an effort brought forth from Devco and the city municipality. These tollbooths were chosen to be built on these particular roads because of frequency of use, said Jim Nebertson, spokesman for the city.

We felt that we weren t swindling enough money from traffic fines and kickbacks that these tollbooths became a necessity. Nebertson also added, This will give an opportunity to a few of our minority community to become gainfully employed. We will however require that they speak English, which will cut down on the applicant pool.

When asked how this will affect traffic in our area, Mayor Jim Cahill told us to fuck off. He retorted, You fucking commie bastards, this is about money, not traffic. The new tollbooths will most likely be placed on George St. near the intersection of Albany St. and another one on Easton Ave. near the intersection of Hamilton St. President Lawrence could not be reached for comment.

By Christopher Taylor MEDIUM STAFF SMURF VILLAGE—Anger erupted on Friday when Papa Smurf’s lifeless corpse was found in a roadside diner, apparently having been beaten and raped by pseudobenevolent personification of the fourth dimension.

Usually a peaceful species, the Smurfs descended in an angry blue horde upon the home of Father Time, only to find him still orgasming from his “run-in” with their late leader. Brainy Smurf, acting chief of the communist clan, reportedly “kicked the shit out of that old bastard,” only to be beaten, raped, and killed, much in the same fashion as his predecessor. Angry Smurf met with a similar fate.

Smurfette, however, subdued the aging icon with “one mean BJ,” sending him to his knees through loss of body mass. “That Smurfette is like a fucking Hoover, I’m telling you,” claimed two particularly contented Smurfs in unison.

Father Time was reportedly engorged by the incident, claiming, “Those Smurfs’ asses are the perfect size for my microscopic timehood. I love Smurfs.”

Come Join The Medium Meetings at 9:30 PM, Wednesdays in LSC 113

Even when angry, the Smurfs parade with smiles. Why? Smurfette sucked em dry.

The Bill of Rights A Ten Week Series Week Four

It has been shown with startling frequency that the citizens of the United States of America often are not aware of, or do not understand, the implications of our Constitution. Therefore, in a weekly series, The Medium is proud to present, the United States Constitution s first ten amendments, also known as the Bill of Rights, in sequential order.

Amendment 4: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and nowarrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

FEATURES

I enjoy a variety of meats and poultry

THAT ZANY TODD RESPONDS

Wednesday November 3, 1999

by zany Todd Graham

OK, I see from last week’s personals that many of you don’t like what I’m writing. It’s quite interesting that you’ve decided to hide behind a personal to state your displeasure at my writings. Anyway, since you people took the time to write about me, I’ve decided to take the time to write back. So without I’d love me further ado, let’s get on with my response. self a yo-yo!

Let’s take a look at our first one: “Todd Graham...12 inch dildo...stupid monkey...sock-covered bat...rocketsurgeon......ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS. ONE OF THESE THINGS DOES NOT BELONG” Excuse me, I believe the phrase you were looking for is “rocket scientist.” (I thought we were looking for the phrase “ass fag”-ed.)Besides that, what the hell were you trying to say with this crap? Do you want to rape me? Do you want to beat my ass? The next time you want to dis me, try writing something coherent and understanable (I fucked your fat mom. Is that coherent and understandable?-ed.). This leads to our next personal: “I want to be the first to sign up for the mediums’ Todd Graham as a second language course.”

Zany Well, apparently there have a lot of request like yours for a course like this . In fact, the University has such a course. It’s called BASIC COMP (01:355:100)!!! I know it’s hard for a lot of you to read something that doesn’t have pretty picutres or use “fuck” or “shit” every line. However, after taking Todd this course, you will be able to understand my articles. I guarantee it (I think you should take this course. Then you should write articles that make sense.

Also, quit using that gay yo-yo-ed.) Anyway, let’s move on to our next personal: “What the hell is wrong with Todd Graham? Fuckn kid makes no sense. Why does the medium keep him around? Isn’t there a cow or goat on cook that can write better than that? I’ll gladly donate my midget porn to the medium as long as i never have to read his shit again” Hey, why did you steal Garrett’s collection (fuck off bitch-ed.)? Anyway, what you should be asking is “Isn’t there a cow or goat on Cook that can write better than you?” By the way, have you ever thought of becoming an English professor? Your grammar is impeccable. I see how I don’t make any sense to you. You can’t put together a decent sentence, let alone read one. (Here’s a decent sentence: Lick my balls!-ed.) Anyway, let’s get on to the next one: “Who is Tood Graham? I hope he isn’t representing the medium. The poor kid can’t even represent himself. He walks around Cook campus like a fuckin fool with his YoYo, haning down to the ground...He can’t even YoYo. The fucking gorilla walks around havig conversations with himself, talking in tongues indecipherable to the ordinary human and when you actually can understand him, he is usually talking about some shit that no one wants to hear about. He should be forced out of Rutgers housing and banished to the woods behind the cook student center where future students might spot him like bigfoot, the freak that he is.”

First of all, how can I be a “fucking gorilla” when I don’t even fuck (let’s keep it that way-ed.). Ladies, if you want to remedy this problem, email me at tbghtown@eden (don’t ever do that-ed.).

Seriously, though, how are you gonna talk about me and not be able to spell my name (I could spell your name: b-i-t-c-h a-s-s -ed.)? I could end this commentary right here (please-ed.). However, since you took the time to write about me, I’ll do likewise with you. First of all, what does me carrying around a yo-yo have to do with my writing? Second of all, I didn’t hear shit from you as to what I should and shouldn’t write (You should never, ever write-ed.) When I try to write (emphasis on TRY-ed.), I try to give a little knowledge to the community, make you think and, since this is an entertainment weekly, try to entertain you with my meager comedic talent. If trying to make you think is so bad, you should read what I wrote last week for a more complete response to that mentality. As for the rest of the rest of the personal, I have 2 things to say. One, you’re a bigot that can’t handle being around a big, (stupid, illiterate?-ed) Black guy. Two, you should try making sense with that last sentence of yours. You make no sense (irony! -ed.)! Now let’s talk about last week’s entry by “The DJ”: “...I’m going to run you over with my car and then get out of the car and have the infamous todd who wrote that stupid article last week in the medium rape you as you die...”

Personally, I don’t care about your beef with Parking and Transportation. Frankly, you can fantasize about doing whatever you want to them. However, don’t you dare attach me to rape. Rape is the worst thing that can be done to a individual, even worst than murder (or having to read your articles?-ed). Millions of people in this country are victims of this horrific sexual violence (thanks to your mom-ed.). I just don’t want to be a part of it. Think what you want (I think you like boys; small boys-ed.), just don’t get me involved.

Before I finish, I’d like to thank my loyal supporters (you don’t have any-ed.). It is because of you that I find the motivation to keep going from week to week. You don’t know how much it means to me when you compliment my work. As for the rest of you, I have one thing to say: say what you gotta say to my face or shut the fuck up! If I suck, you should be a big enough person to say it to my face. However, all of this hiding behind the personals crap is doing nothing constructive and shows what a coward you are. If you’re gonna trash me, come correct, or don’t come at all!

Break on Through

by John Minus

Melissa opened her eyes. She saw blur…then but none have needed it so much, or so early in started his research in white, then pink, then feet in sandals, then…oh life, as you have. That’s why I arranged your littleCircular Reasoning. In hell why don’t I just describe the scene. Clouds, accident.”

1975 she took her current as far as the eye can see. Actually, there isn’t “So that was your voice I heard? You got me position of Dean of much to describe. White going off in every Biology at Rutgers. Ever killed you bastard!” direction, gradually fading into blue. In what “Oh my dear Melissa, you are not dead…your since she has brought the school millions of not just a coma-induced dream, how is all would be termed the sky, a warm white sun floats body is recovering as we speak. Now calm down. dollars in patents on her pharmaceutical research. WHOA!” Melissa’s pretentious whining was dreamily back and forth pendulum-like across the I have much to show you.” He helped her gently Yet since 1987 her funding has dwindled, interrupted by the decidedly disorienting sky. to her feet. “You have become very important in especially funding for her gene therapy and experience of being shot through the spirit world “Come on Melissa, time to awaken.” the grand scheme of things. In the very near futurebreast cancer research. In the past 5 years her at fantastic speeds. When she came around Melissa shook her head. She could feel her productivity has dropped off noticeably. She’s again, she saw a decimated battlefield, bloody there will be a lot of different forces seeking to body, but she couldn’t physically feel it being destroy you or use you for their own ends. And had a few boyfriends but is generally afraid to bodies everywhere. there. She couldn’t feel the burning and bleeding your friend, John, will do and say a lot of things commit to a serious relationship. Other than “Hm…I’d say this scene took place during the and breaking sensations that she felt before she that you are not going to like. But you must be that, I don’t know much about her.

Crusades, English ground forces battling what had…died? She definitely didn’t feel dead. But patient with him and accept him for his faults, as “Very good Mr. Hetero (wheeze) you know appear to be Ottoman Turks I believe. What she couldn’t describe what she was feeling as alive you must convince him to be patient with you. your stuff. I have discovered through my alldoes this have to do with me?” either. Her eyes slowly began to focus. She knowing omniscience that this Ms. Zellwigger “This is one of my favorite incarnations. Look, Your two destinies are intertwined, as are his looked up and saw a man…a familiar looking man. avatar and I linked. Remember your love for him, has been continuing her research projects with over there.”

He was fair-skinned, blonde hair just like hers, it has saved the two of you many times before.” funding from an unknown source. She has not Valoran pointed to a part of the battlefield off brown eyes just like hers…all in all, he looked a “How do you know I love him?” Melissa shot left the campus in 8 months (wheeze) and few in the distance. A group of at least 20 Turks hell of a lot just like her. He was dressed plainly, back defiantly, “and what do you mean before? people have heard from or seen her since. Some were attacking a small group of 5 English kind of like a Greek peasant. “Who…wha…” of her Honors students have disappeared with knights. The Turks were losing badly. A tall I’ve only known him for a year.”

“Let me guess…” He smiled at her and helped her “Come my dear, and I will show you what I her, among them her favorite TA (wheeze) a muscular knight was vivisecting the Turks. His up. “you have questions. Who are you, where ammean.” He took her hand, and Melissa’s journey pharmacy major named Elizabeth Chen. Here’s a sword and armor were soaked in the blood of his I, and what am I doing here? That’s understand- into her past began. copy of her student I.D. picture. enemies, his blade little more than a blur as he able. All right I’ll answer in order. First of all, my Something is going on on Busch that I do not carved them into pieces. By his side, a smaller, *** name is Vectorus. I have been called many know about (wheeze) Mr. Hetero, and I do not dark haired woman fought with a sword and Meanwhile, Johnny was on Busch. things…you can think of me as your guardian like not knowing things. Your mission is to go shield, kicking just as much ass.

“Busch. Shit, I can’t believe I’m still only on angel, your spiritual self, your soul or your avatar. Busch. Last week President Lawrence called me deep into the Heart of Busch and find this “See, even then I was fighting for women’s Where are we…also has been called many things into his office. [insert Emperor’s theme here] woman and her followers. Bring them down, Mr. rights. I know it must have taken a lot of guts by your incarnations…heaven, Asgard, the astral “Ahh, Mr. Hetero (wheeze) I have you here for a Hetero, with extreme prejudice. But be for a woman to fight in a society as disgustingly plane, the Umbra…it’s a place of pure abstraction purpose. What do you know (wheeze) about warned…Busch is a land of magic and science patriarchal as Medieval Europe was.” where everything appears in it’s true form. (wheeze) fact and mystery. The lines between “Actually Melissa, that scrappy young woman professor Zellwigger?

Now…what are you doing here? Ah yes, that is Cap answered rather nonchalantly. “Professor reality and illusion can blur. You can buy is Persian. And, she is not our incarnation. the question isn’t it. But I’m afraid the answer Julia Zellwigger, graduated top of her class in anything there…Love, Loyalty…Heaven, Hell, That young woman was your friend John. The depends mostly on how strong you think you and everything in between.”

Microbiology from Harvard in 1962, the same valiant, dashing young man at the head of the are.”

“Don’t worry Lawrence, I can handle myself charge; that was us.” year her twin brother Herman graduated from Yale Melissa gave him a sarcastic look. So, I’m in Psychology. The two siblings have been rivals in Far East Busch. I’ll find out what’s going on.” Melissa looked again…the hair, the eyes, the supposed to believe I’m having an out of body “Make sure you do Captain Hetero (wheeze). nose…he definitely looked a lot like both of since birth, with neither ever gaining the upper experience?” hand in their lifelong contest. Even their I.Q.’s are Now go…destroy that woman.” them. “I was…a man? I was a man fighting for “No my dear”, the man said, “your having THE even, both topping out at 189. In 1972 she won a *** God? Oh, this can only get worse…” out-of-body experience. I had to have little talks Nobel Prize for her breakthroughs in Organic “Now, assuming that this is actually a (Rule of thumb: short articles, large fonts. Long like this one with all of my earthly incarnations, Cybernetic Grafting, the same year her brother ‘spiritual journey through the netherworld’ and articles, really small fonts-ed)

Wednesday November 3, 1999

How to hold down them hoes! a provocative question asked almost as many times as Can a playa get a table dance?

by Dr. Pickles 1. Never admit that you are a playa!

2. Never get with more than one girl on your floor, it causes major it got weird syndrome 3. If a girl acts up or tries to dis you, act like you don’t care and get with one of her friends.

4. Don’t take no shit from trifling ass bitches.(nuff said) 5. Don’t playa hate on anyone, handle yo bizness without being a little bitch.

6. Respect girls but realize that they can be playas too, if this happens to you, see #6.

7. Never tell a girl you love her, this goes against the morals of a true playa (if there are any) 8. Use phrases like: “Get off my dick,” “Bitch Please,” “You aint know?”, and “who’s Lisa?”

9. She will get attached to you so, if you want to avoid this problem just make her feel like she’s playin you.

10. Above all if she talks shit, respond promptly: —Thats why you only got one finger and run around stealing key rings.

—Thats why you got more weave than a dog in traffic.

—Thats why you got a glass tooth with my fourth grade picture in it.

—Thats why you got ingrown nipples.

—Thats why you got fake hair, fake eyes and fake nails and talkin’ bout you want a real man.

—Thats why you got 1 leg longer than the other and everybody calls you hip hop.

—Thats why you got sideburns on your tits.

If any of you guys got out there have any specific questions about a problem you are having, e-mail the Docter with a question and I’ll respond through the medium at Drpickles@hotmail.com don’t sleep, bang the skins in a week (What a terrible article!-ed.)

Yes, I am a dentist.

FEATURES

The Adventures of Tony “Tillet” Tucci Submitted by Eirinn Stout With his hot sexy body that girls adore, he walked to his home. Not a home where people live, but Tillet, a home in itself.

Thinking that he is all that, he pushes his workers to the limit. Whipping and kicking them as they work. Eventually, one of the workers collapses with high blood pressure due to the stress placed upon him. (That would be Chris!)

“Triple T” then decides that perhaps he is pushing is workers too far and chooses to cut back a little. Instead of whipping and kicking, he verbally harasses them, using the harshest words possible to torment his workers.

“You’re an asshole!” screams Triple T to one of his workers.

Ay, oh: Have you seen this man in Tillet?

“Oh yeah . . .well so are you!” shouts back LeVar. Soon enough, all of the employees began to fight back, taking courage from LeVar’s strength. Fueling their rage was the death of Chris, the collapsed one. He had taken one beating too many at the hands of Triple T. Oddly enough, there was no funeral for Chris. When Triple T was asked why, he became shifty eyed and said that he didn’t know. Unfortunately, the saint-like Tillet employees did not become suspicious.

One day, about a week later, Frank was on his way to fill the much beloved Fruity Pebbles, when he noticed an odd sound coming from under line 4. Curious, he looked.

There, bound and gagged, was Chris. Frank untied him and asked him what happened. Chris was unable to speak because he’d had nothing to drink in over a week. Chris’ clothes bagged off of his emaciated frame and his wrists had blisters from where he had struggled against the dirty towels that had held him.

Slowly, a story emerged . . .

Tony had asked Chris to come to work late one night to aid in the payroll. While Chris’ back was turned, he was hit on the head. The last thing that he saw before passing out was a can of cheese sauce rolling away. Chris regained consciousness only to find himself tied and unable to speak. Not only that, but he was being dragged! After several moments, he realized that Triple T was speaking to him. He seemed to be weaving a tale of perceived betrayal.

“All those times that I saw you looking at girls, a little piece of me died. How could you see them like that and not me?! How could you not know that I have wanted you heart, soul, but most importantly, BODY!!”

Unable to defend himself, Chris passed out. The next thing he remembered was awaking under what he assumed was line 4. He tried getting the attention of the passing feet, but to no avail.

Frank was shocked. It was obvious that Tony had lied about Chris’ death. Frank knew what he had to do!

As soon as he got home! He called his friends on Douglass, asking for help. Those all-for-women girls agreed to help. The very next day, Triple T was pretending to work as normal, when the 10 men-hating women jumped him. With their whips, chains, and twelve inch strap-ons, they showed him what a real man could do. For two hours the women raped him, disgracing him as he was leaned over a urinal in the men’s bathroom. The best part of all was that the women didn’t use lubricants.

The whole next week, Triple T couldn’t sit and boy was he mad. . . .to be continued.

(Now I remember why I stopped eating at Tillet--ed.)

Matty and Danny s Storytime.... .....A long time ago in some other universe there lived an alien baby...and his name was Jod Warkan. On his planet, LSDroy, in order to exist all he had to do was sit and smoke mad blunts. His brain was able to function through the electromagnetics beeming from the phat beats coming from his rap music . One day his planet ran all out of blunts and he sought refuge on a nearby atomic wasteland with lots of brainwashed lemmings living on it called earth . There he happened along the shittiest town in the shittiest state ever. Once there, he was picked up hitch-hiking by a local hartwell resident named Eric Gymboree. The poor feeble alien looked like it needed something, but food and water didnt work. What to do? Then the alien started making grunts which sounded a little like BLOOT! ..... BLOOT! ..... Then a hippie resident entered the house of hooker alien babies with a blunt in hand at which point the Jod Warkan leaped from its shoe box crib and scraped and gnawrled the blunt from the astonished hippie. The hippie was, needlessly to say, freaked out and said hey man, we can smoke together dude . The alien baby proceded to kill the hippie by beating him with his own frisbee until he was a bloody mess of dreadlocks and hemp and dirt and happiness and peace. Alien baby thought earth was a good place to stay. He could smoke blunts and kill hippies all day. (I don t know who Matty and Danny are, but I m sure they enjoy homosexual sex on a nightly basis-ed.)

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12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 Just ride my beefy 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 cock!

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ARTS & CULTURE

Drunken Sexual Escapades Operation: Rodeo

By The Random Frat Boy To all you guys out there interested in Greek life, being a fraternity brother at Rutgers is definitely worth the semester long pledge period of unbridled sweet anal lovin’. Here is just one of countless reasons which justify my existence as The Random Frat Boy. We had a party at our house one night, which is a sure-fire recipe to get me some of that fine RU A-S-S (well, maybe not the finest of ass, but it’s ass nonetheless), even though I’m a big fat-ass. I proceeded to get good and fucked up way before any of the girls got there (I ain’t drinking none of that skunky shit we serve... fuck that I need my Jack Daniels’), so I could be in the correct state of mind for tonight’s festivities. After a while, the usual assortment of sluts came up to our piece, and I could tell which dorms they came out of (Campbell and Clothier girls are unmistakable (why was I never told about these sluts when I was single_ - Arts Ed.)). Normally I would just look for the hottest (and drunkest ones), do my little “where you from, do you know X, Y, and Z person” kind of bullshit, say the right things, and try to get me some booty. But I was starting to feel the effects of the JD and out of curiosity decided that I was on a different kind of mission tonight, namely, Operation: Rodeo. I was determined to go hogging for the fattest, most beastly girl at our party and give her a night to remember. I saw this one really fat blonde slut piece wearing a tube top that made her tits look like weather balloons, her massive belly showing, a sizable “gunt” between her gut and her cunt, and of course, she was wearing “THE” unmistakable Black Pants which made her ass look like two pigs fighting over an M&M. Looks like perfectly fair game to me. I went up to her, introduced myself, and I think I spouted out some bullshit about how I saw some movie that day but I couldn’t remember and it really didn’t matter, because I The author’s idea am a of a hot date Fraternity Man, the epitome of heterosexual masculinity and therefore completely irresistible to all

things female. (Thumbs up Soldier – Captain Hetero) She said I looked hot in my Abercrombie and Fitch attire and asked me if I was a brother here, and I naturally replied in the affirmative. I knew I was well on my way to a rather “interesting” evening. Apparently, that fact that one of the brothers was actually talking to her, when so many of her more aerodynamically engineered (that phrase is fucking brilliant – Arts Ed.) friends were present, was panty drippin’good. Without delay she grabs me close to her bloated body, drags me over to the dance floor, and starts grinding with me... Naturally, in my drunken state, I begin to kiss her deeply, and she grabs my ass, saying, “MMMMMM, this is what a REAL man feels like! However, I did not lose sight of Operation: Rodeo. She wants it and she wants it bad....

Little did she know that she was gonna get it, all right.... I told some of my brothers to wait outside my room where nobody could see... But anyway we go upstairs to my

Nigga Where? Nigga Why? Nigga How?

WEDNESDAY November 3, 1999

Alright y’all, we gettin thugged out this week. How? I’m gonna take a little survey. Basically, I wanna know who you think ydes the Best. I think it’s pretty obvious who I like. But I started thinking about some of the the big rap groups out now; Roc-A-Fella, Ruff Ryders, Flip Mode, and Cash Money. They all have young artists coming out at the same time trying to outshine each other. Well, I know who I like; Drag-On and Rah Digga. Actually I like Juvenile too.

But what I wanna know is who do you people like the best, the masses of Rutgers University. Juvenile-Cash Money, Rah Digga from the Flip Mode Squad, Drag-On who Rydes the best, or Memphis Bleek, Roc-A-Fella fa-eva. So Rank them, say who you like and who’s wack. Send your votes to heterofrenzy@hotmail.com.

room and SWEARING to me that she wasn’t drunk, unzips my pants and pulls out my 9 [ This is where random frat boy gets stupid, violent, ugly, and fucking far from funny. we print alot of garbage, but this is utter crap. The only reason I didn’t pull it completely is because I didn’t see it until John did the layout, and I’d hate to fuck up all his work.

To the author, all I’ve got to say is you are a genuine asshole.

Why do you want to disgrace you and your fraternity? Since no one had the balls to tell you to your face that your article sucked, i’m telling you now that i’ve read it. If you wanna get laid, you better learn how to start interacting with people and stop being such an annoying dumb fuck.

You should thank me for not printing this article and for not printing your name, you flaming meathead dickwad. But feel free to try again without being so fucking wrong about it-- EIC] (The stuff we make up about the Frats could not possibly be more horrific than the Truth about the Frats. The truth is a far, far worse story than has ever been imagined. This is why Captain Hetero beats the shit out of so many frat boys. – Arts ed.)

The Author

Come to the meeting 9:30 pm livingston student center room 113 and learn the proper way to shoot up

Mariah Carey says...

Now that I m away from that psycho I used to be married to I can do whatever I want. And to piss him off, I ve sucked as much black cock as I could get my mouth on. Now that I m free from him I can be the slut I ve always wanted to be. You however already have freedom. You can write for Arts and submit whatever you want to heterofrenzy@hotmail.com . Don t waste your freedom. And if you re rich and black, don t hesitate to give me a call.

Wednesday, November 03, 1999 this is to my faggot roommate matt. STOP JERKING OFF ALL OVER MY COMPUTER. im sick of finding your jiz all over the damn keyboard. whenever i use the mouse it takes me an hour to get my hand off it. for christs sake use some damn tissues. one more thing; stop playing my guitar: YOU SUCK AT IT!!!!!.

To the annoying BITCH from 8th South Tower, we all feel sorry for your roomate because she has to put up with your ugly ass face every fucking day. Listen you ugly ass bitch, MOVE THE FUCK OFF OUR FLOOR!!!! Yes that means EVERYONE HATES YOU--YOU GODDAMN WHORE, I WOULDN'T TOUCH YOU WITH YOUR FATHER'S HANDS!! WHY CANT YOU REALIZE THAT EVERYONE HATES YOU!! HOW THE FUCK DID YOU WIN PROM QUEEN WHEN YOU ARE SOO FUCKING SHITFACE UGLY!! Go get a fucking life you cum guzzling slut!! BITCH, a crackbaby looks better than you! We feel bad for the people that know you! Realize that if you dish out the shit then expect to be treated like it---NOTHING MORE THAN SHIT!!

Manpussy, skull fuck, 12 inch strap-on -- Learn ‘em, live em’ and love ‘em!

All you people who leave your cellphones and pagers on during class think you are so cool.

Well, fuck you! None of us are impressed when your gay little alarms go off in the middle of class! Don't even say you forget to turn them shits off, 'cause it happens more than once in every single one of my classes!

And when it goes off in the library, don't sit there and have a fuckin' conversation! It's supposed to be quiet, we don't want to hear about your day!

Have some decency and go outside if you're too cool to shut them off. Next time, try noticing how many mean glares you're getting... fuckin' faggots.

To the assholes who write in trying to be "tough" - yeah, you're real cool, you big bad "hoodlums"! You say shit like "Yo I fuck dat bitch wit my cock - Ima snuff yo' ass... wes got to have words" Hmmm... for some reason I have a feeling you don't talk like that in public - if you did you'd be laughed outta the college. You go to a big state university on mommy & daddy's $$$... yeah, you got it rough - you OFF DA STREET! You're all probably just a bunch of skinny midget chinks on Busch trying to live out your fantasies of being tough. Nice try you rich nerd "tuff as nailz" pussies... go (She sounds cute...can we get do your Biology homework! her number?)

(I’m gonna go back to my To that stupid fat slut on white upper middle class Davidson 3 with the curly ‘hood, get my boyz an’ we brown hair. You like that gonna bust a cap in yo’ ass...) sweeeet sweeeeeet lovin I To that sexy ass boy Mark, gave you last week. You want that lives in Clothier... you're more of this nutrageous candy fucking awesome... By the bar. You can't get enough of my way: your band is alright, but schlong baby!!!!!!!!!!!! Well you're way out of their IT DOESN'T MATTER. league!!! There are four of us, You're worthless. You're never and we all want to smoke your gonna be able to give me a nut big, juicy cock so that we can job ever again. PEACE OUT, swallow your hot wet cum... If BIATCH. you want to experience the best What's up with all you Brower fuck of your life, meet us outtake-out women? You all act side of the doors of the post like a bunch of pissed off ba- office at Rutgers College at boons. Calm the fuck down, 8:00 on Monday, November shut your hairy mouth, and give 8th. We'll be waiting... oh, and me some more fuckin' fries and please wear that sexy hat of nuggets! For over $8 a meal, I yours... think you can afford it. Oh... To Dmitriy in Quad 2, Stop I'm sorry, let me put this in lan- tapping our phones, you comguage you can understand: munist bastard. we know what "OOH, OOH, AAHH, AHH, your real plans are you faukin idiot.

EEHH, OOHH, OOHH!"

To all the hoes on Douglass who like cocks, come to Busch Campus because there ain't no pussy here. Allen 2 looks forward to seeing you.

CAMPBELL 6 HOT AS HELL????? HELL NO!!!

YOU GIRLS ARE SO NASTY THAT WHEN THE REST OF CAMPBELL GOES TO DO THEIR LAUNDRY, THEY TAKE THE STAIRS TO AVOID THE STANK SMELL OF YOUR PUSSIES.. THE ONLY THING TRUE ABOUT THE PREVIOUS PERSONAL IS THAT CAMPBELL 6 PRECEPTOR IS COOL AND HOT AS HELL. IF YOU ARE SO HOT WHY ARE YOU BEGGING IN THE MEDIUM TO GET SOME ASS..THAT'S CLASSY..YOUR JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE CAMPBELL 1-5 IS WHERE IT'S AT.. YOU MAKE ALL THE REST OF US ASHAMED THAT WE LIVE IN CAMPBELL To the hot as italian girl in 6 North Towers, when will u give it up to some of us willing fellas.

Those blue eyes are making me anxious to rip you apart. We are gonna stop by your room when your asleep and fuck you like u never felt before. Get off it girl, quit playing the innocent cheerleader act and get some dick inside u! what is wrong with all the guys that talk shit about campbell 2? have you seen them? they are all hot and respectable. now i have personal experiance with campbell 6 and they are sluts. i have been blown by 3 different girls and they're all friends. so if you want sluts, go to campbell 6!

To Lisa on T2 I want to string you from the ceiling with a pulley system and play with your hot litte feet. You are such a sex goddess, Please come and find me so we can have hot foot lovin' To that fucking raver at quad 2, you are so fucking corny, get a fucking life and quit playing with your fucking glow sticks, take them and shovem up your fucking ass hole. Raver hater.

To that broke ass Indian kid from the fifth floor- Why don't you ever go to class you fucking pothead. All you do is smoke weed, sleep, and eat your roommate's food. And if you can't learn to keep your 4 1/2 uncut in your pants, I'm gonna lop it off with one of those shitty punk CD's you're always blasting, you fucking nasty prick.

I'm the blonde girl who lives in your dorm and sits near you in Econ, that is when you show up. Come to the next class so I can Dirty Sanchez your ugly ass. Die! Die! Die! -A Friend To all those Indian FUCKS who hang out on the Easton Ave Apt stoop -- get a fuckin life you ugly pieces of shit, especially the big fat fuck who looks like the Genie from Aladdin. Take your sorry asses back to Middlesex County College and stay the fuck off this campus. You give all brown people a bad rep.

Go ahead, try to get me back; you can't write you illiterate perpetrating fucks...

The GAY sex on Barr 1 MUST STOP!!! There comes a time in a man's life when he does not want to be straddled and forced into a GAY SEX SHOW FOR HIS ROOM MATE TO CHEER AND CLAP while writing an expos paper!! STRADDLE HIM AND GET THE FUCK OFF MY FACE!!! this goes out to the asshole who wrote to the "dead" squirrel by the CA post office. first, he's my beloved pet, named skullface. second he's not dead, he's just taking a little nap. and he will continue to take naps wherever he damn pleases. finally he's not decomposing he's just on a diet. so fuck off and don't disturb him.

JENN YOU BACKSTABBING TRAITOROUS WHORE GIMME MY BLUE CORDUROY JACKET BACK. AND THEN GO GET HERPES SIMPLEX. IF YOU DON'T ALREADY HAVE IT. YOU FUCK UGLY KIDS. YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT. GIMME MY JACKET, SLUT.

PERSONALS as a boy lucky enough to live on campbell 2 i got beef with all you unklefuckers dissing our hoes. now they're all embarrassed and i was only able to get four girls to give me knobbies last week. it used to be in and out of a room in 5 minutes, now these bitches want respect and to talk, cuddle, and all this other gay shit. whats the deal with that? one even asked for me to return thefavor (and you agreed?) - that was almost as bad as the seafood at brower. thanks for ruining a good thing you jealous cowfuckers!!

(Special invite to Campbell 2 sluts: come to the medium meeting, Wednesday night at 9:30 in the Livingston Student Center rm 113) This goes out to the nasty punk rocker joanna, we all know u got herpes from sucking cock at a club back when you were gothic. By the way shave your mustache, jolene bleach just isn't cutting it, your facial hair shines in the sunlight on college ave. Emo is soo coool!

INIGO MONTOYA on Campell 3...you gonna DIE, puta!!! I gonna take a dump in a sock and beat you to death with it. You whole body gonna be blue like your hair, and after I leave you stuffed in my El Camino for a week you gonna be more bloated than those sexy bitches on your door...I'd tell you to chow my box but a) I got a grande penga, and b) you already got a piece of shit box sitting in the corner cause you too fuckin lazy to put you're clothes away you shitfaced cockmaster...I hope a Rwandin chick with stumps instead of hands butt-rapes you with one of her nubs...fucknut. all right you piece of shit. i'm gonna skull fuck you until your mom's pussy starts to bleed. you dumb ass mutherfucker think you got it? you don't even know why you're on this fucking mud ball. i'll tell you. you're here for my personal enjoyment. i watch how stupid you are every day and it makes me laugh. oh yeah, frats suck.

PERSONALS To the guy who drives the F and picks up people at the bus stop across from Cooper right after TH6 heading towards College Ave. you are the nicest employee of Rutgers. If only everyone were a good guy like you the world would be a better place. Thanks!!!

This goes out to all you fucking gnats on college ave. Fuck you you annoying, gay bugs.

What the fuck is up with vaginas??? They are so fucking impossible!!! I hate you!!!!!

Anal bleeding is fun and easy to do! Try it home!

To Melissa on the second floor of Tinsley, You're the on that I want (grease). You always know how to put me on a Stairway to Heaven (led zeppelin).

When you touch my face and neck it feels like a Hurricane hit me and I reach the eve of destruction (megadeth). I wish you woulod just Take on me (a-ha) because when I am with you I feel Comfortably Numb (pink floyd). Hey you (pink floyd) my Feelings are like a Reflex (duran duran).

Here in your bedroom I know you like to make me say uhh.

You hypnotize me, Sweet Lady. So, As The Saga Begins (weird al) I would just like to say I Think I Love You (that guy from the partridge family, i don’t remember his name)! You know who I am.

who is the odd dick in pers. psych. MTH2? i fear that it is me and everyone is laughing at me...im so upset because i care alot. i have weird hair and make stupid comments all day so it must be me...oh nooooo!!!!!....aaaaagghhhh!!! dammit thats the last time i try Fuckwads in my CS211 class, to fit in again...love mohawk T78 in RAB: Loud Gay Guy man you need to shut the fuck up.

Nobody wants to hear you To that fucking whore who slurping on Bud's balls. Andidn't flush her god damn used noying Indian Kid - you don't tampon in the CAC Student know everything (take English Center, didn't your mother for example) and stop crosspotty train you. It's fucking ing your legs like that! Don't nasty that I have to see how you have nuts?! To be continheavy your flow was today. ued next week.

Next time save me the digusting nasty ass picture I've (You’d better make it funny had in my head all day and or we’re not printing it) flush. You must be from South Jersey and grew up on a farm, (Send submissions to because who else uses out- medium_personals@email.com. houses anymore? When there's If you don’t, well, I’m sure water in the bowl, it's not an we can find a creative way shithouse, press the crome to make your rectum bleed) fucking handle, to flush!

by Chris “ Big Cock” DeSarno Medium Staff

This goes out to my dirty white trash roommate. STOP MASTERBATING WHILE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP! Every night, like clockwork, I hear the subtle snap of the elastic on your dirty underwear and then the disturbing sound of your dirty wet cunt. At least wait til I'm asleep you fucking whore. I know it's been a LONG time since you've had a dick in you, and need you ask why?? The room now reeks from your herpes covered cunt.

Maybe if you'd wash it every now and then you could get some dick, and that's a BIG maybe. This type of behavior might have been acceptable in your trailer park - oops, my bad...was that supposed to be a secret - but we're in college now, have some fucking respect...bitch.

To the baseball player in Clothier 7- Your body is unbelievable! When I look at you my clit pulsates uncontrollably. Cum runs down my thighs at the thought of you. I need a long night of raw sex with you because my screaming pussy yearns for your hot, steamy cock. Older girls are damaged goods so get over her and start going for the girls in Clothier. You are way too hot for Rutgers baseball, so get off the field and come play mine.

You can put it anywhere! I'll suck you dry - CUM SOON!

Wednesday, November 03, 1999

Come to the Medium meeting, Wednesday night at 9:30 in the Livington Student Center, room 113..the Campbell 2 girls are waiting.

This is a wake up call to Campbells fourth floor preceptor Carla. No body likes you.

You have to learn to loosen up instead of ratting out other people trying to have fun. Plus its a little hard to take your preaching seriously considering your a slut. So next time you feel like being an asshole fuck off or go fuck someone like that poor bastard you tied up last night.

I am a singer/guitarist looking for a few interested people to start up a band with. You must be open to ALL kinds of musical influences, and really want to play. Scheduling stuff can be worked out later. Either respond via the MEDIUM or email me at shazam@eden.

Remember, it should be fun!

(I couldn’t find a personal To the 4th Floor Perry that was exactly the size of Whores!! Thanx for all the this space so I need to fill it good head and dirty looks. with my own drunken Stop flirting with every sausage babble. Vagina + Cock = around, being frat furniture, and Sex. Bunny + Wall = Fun. grow up and get a life!! Guess Farm Animal + Fran = Sex.) your theme song is: "Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm, Keep on I hate that fag Computer Guy Suckin" -- keep up the good in CLOTHIER hall. That prick work, you haven't sucked 'em promises to hook my ethernet up. I guess he's too busy buttall yet! fucking his boyfriend and stick(Is it just me or are the per- ing his joystick up his ass to sonals getting worse and help me. FUCK YOU more redundant? Let’s try a ASSHOLE!!! little harder cock-suckers...) Where all da fuckin hotass To those of you who enjoyed girls? I thought Nicholas had the view from the nielson din- all da dirty, ugly-ass bitches, but ing hall on 10/19, maybe you Voorhees got da ugliest bitches should buy some porn, or dis side of town...Perry's got check out the twelve month da bangin bitches...good fuckin calender my roomate and I thing i'm in Perry. and who's da have put out. If you liked my bitch givin head in voorhees? white bra, look at december. bitch, know your role, or ima Hope ur'e not upset we shut hafta shove my dick up yur candy-ass. the blinds.

dose douglass dykes, they so damn ugly...suckin twats clean...they need to fuckin find some men...but who wants ugly bitches with loads of wild hair under their arms?! And stop writin on my damn sidewalks...next time i'm gonna fuckin piss all over that shit, u hoes!

To that Indian asshole Aalap on Clothier 5. fuck you you vegetarian motherfucker.Why don't you go fuck a sacred cow in the ass you stupid ignorant fuck. I'm going to get some hardcore faggots from demarest to stick their sausage down your throat you stupid vegetarian. I heard you suck more cock than all of Cambell 2. love, Mommy. to the janitor-guy-thingy who tinkers with the regulatory pressure on the toilets or whatever in Mattia hall. turn them the fuck down! every time I take a dump I have to get in a marathon runners starting stance, and leap out the door and down the hall to avoid getting splashed, sucked in, or both. it's getting to be quite awkward when I run down the hall with my dong flapping around, while bumping into people gasping "the toilet! the toilet! it almost got me!" no turd in the world could withstand that pressure, I'm sure if you fix it, it'll still function properly and not maim any unsuspecting defacators.

(What?! You didn’t write a personal? Well, I hope you bought some anal tampons... You’re gonna need ‘em! medium_personals@email.com)

Wednesday, November 03, 1999 (Here is the other side of the story as far as personals go... the fair guys that we are, we decided to print what a member of our community has to say, grammatical mistakes and all.)

The Rules: (For submitting personals, duh) 1) Send personals to medium_personals@email.com 2) Send administrative matters to mmolino@eden.rutgers.edu or jsp51@eden.rutgers.edu 3) Keep them to 50 words or less.

4) All submissions MUST either A) be sent from an official Rutgers email account (eden, remus, etc...)

OR B) contain your full name and campus PO Box. This information is kept confidential -- dont ask for it. It will be disclosed ONLY to the proper authorities (i.e. law enforcement) if necessary to save our asses.

5) We don't print last names, room numbers, or phone numbers so dont even try it--not even if they're yours.

6) If you have a serious and legitimate complaint about particular personal ads, contact Editor in Chief Amanda Hoffman at amandah@eden.rutgers.edu.

If you're just looking for some ass, then email the_medium@hotmail.com

To Professors And Faculty (psst...hey any Rutgers professors or any full-time Rutgers faculty: interested in being an advisor for The Medium,The Entertainment Weekly of Rutgers? This exciting new position is available ASAP. Requirements: Must be able to sign name twice. So if you are willing, have a sense of humor, and are generally an all-around nice person than please send any inquiries to amandah@eden.rutgers.edu This is Amanda Hoffman’s,the Editor in Chief, email address. Your help would be greatly appreciated!!!)

Using this page to anally pleasure yourself may cause bleeding of the rectum.

PERSONALS

A LITTLE BILE AIMED AT A NEEDLESS EVIL What is the extent of the pervasion and cruelty that you people will sink to for a cheap laugh? Huh... (Huh?) Speaking here is our fellow man and he's asking you the people a simple goddamn question. If the bullshit I've been reading lately stems from some hidden desire then what the fuck is it that you miserable bastards are missing? Pleasure?

Fulfillment? A really good lay (Actually...)? What?!

I site as my example the personals section of that detestable rag "The Medium" (Flattery will get you everywhere).

Here at weekly intervals we are bombarded by column after column of of idiotic, infantile rhetoric (don’t use words you don’t understand) and hate filled comments, all arranged and commented on by The Medium's own Jason Postelnik and Mike Molino (that’s us). In other words a banquet of insults written by cowards and printed by a careless, unprofessional pack of jackasses (that’s us too) (to any decent people who write in personals, my apologies by we are judged by the company we keep, so T.S). There is no fact, no focus in the column at all. People hungry for an easy way to piss someone off write in to vent their rage--and that in and of itself isn't wrong. But when it becomes a kind of racist, lewd bashing of a specific person in friggin public then it becomes more than a joke...it becomes an abuse of power.

Writing in anonymity is a luxury (no, it’s a right) --one that must be treated with respect. To spread a rumor instead of confronting the issue directly is cowardly--this is a goddamn fact of life! And those who don't believe me, who believe that calling someone a "FAT PSYCHOBITCH" in (a) public newspaper, run this idea through your head. You have enemies, just like everyone else. And whether you like it or not they all have a voice (and we gave you yours, so have some fuckin’ respect).

Sometimes they whisper behind you r back, sometimes they stay silent. And now, thanks equally to your cowardice and The Medium's lack of ethics, you can create a rumor that is passed on to 8000 people at once and not ever get caught. And you know who it's about (Fragment #1). A lot of people do (Fragment #2). I could personally find out who nearly all the people specifically mentioned in personals are, last name or not (maybe you could, maybe you couldn’t..but who’s going to?). And if I asked them who wrote the column they may or may not know. And if I ask them how it feels to be laughed at by 8000 strangers, half wouldn't care. The other half might break into tears. A side effect of a lawless (we have yet to break any laws) operation with a printing press.

Is this the price of your amusement RU; other people's misery? If it is then maybe you should take a turn in front of a Medium sponsored firing squad you're (your) peers create. Misery loves fucking company says Kit Marlowe and Michael Bagen (no one cares what you say).

And now I come to the focus of my problem (and the problem of many others). To all those who believe that freedom of speech means freedom to insult anyone without consequence should have his fucking head examined!. Actions, even those published anonymously do have consequences--this is another of life's little fucking facts. And some of them are a little harsh to be covered by some half assed disclaimer and excused by the first amendment. The Medium allows for a person to commit any, any act of insult or innuendo without forcing them to name themselves. They let people be insulted and hurt publicly with no basis and act like it's a fucking joke. I'd love to see how one of them would feel when being ripped into by a crowd of strangers. Ha, Ha, fucking Ha Ha (and you think we’re sick?) !!!!!!!!!!

In conclusion, the sturdent (what’s a sturdent?) body of Rutgers university would seem to have developed a penchant fro (for) publicly insulting each other without facing up to the consequences of their actions. And the Medium, a well established and reasonbalby (spellcheck) respected paper (really? by who?) is violating the guiding principles of the medium they masquerade as by aiding in needlessly invasive, cruel and tasteless acts of debauchery for no better reson than because it can. So much for the theory of a dedicated and caring media.

Aufweidersehen, Fuck you, And goodnight (loser) ---Michael Bagen (<--- family fuck up) EDITORS REBUTTAL Alright, we let you have your voice so that we could present this issue in a fair manner. Certainly a paper that allows racist remarks and crude insults to be printed will not be welcomed by all. We know that there are others who agree with you and others that will feel you are an uptight son of a bitch with a small penis and a penchant for gerbiling.

We agree with you that a portion of the personals are senseless, but it’s not our right to silence the opinions of others.

This paper offers the ability for any person to have printed a small and unrepressed message. What you read in these pages are the opinions of our community, what our fellow men have to say. Perhaps those that are offended are those that are so naive that they didn’t realize such opinions existed. If you are not mature enough to handle what is written in the personals section, than you are not mature enough to handle how a lot of members of our community think. It is left up to the individual reader to take what he or she sees in the personals. By saying that our printing of personals is harmful, you are saying that the indivudals who read them are not capable to handle them.

The content of the personals is completely determined by the submissions we receive. If you think this space could be better utilized, then send in some submissions of your own. If the people want change, it will happen. Right now, they remain very popular for their raw stylings of goofiness. The personals are enjoyed by most for what they are, comedic outbursts of emotion. So our advice is to take the stick out of your ass and try on our smooth 12-inch strap on as it slides up into your funny bone.

People use this space for many things, one of which is to vent agression towards others. This seems to be your primary concern. We feel it is at least better for people to vent with words than to have to find some other way to release their anger. We have the full names of all authors of printed personals, so if anyone does feel genuinely threatened, we can release this information to the proper authorities. So rest assured that any true concerns where even just the idea of someone getting hurt will be taken care of real responsible-like.

As for Michael Bagen who outrightly insulted us, we strongly feel that you should eat a fat cock.

Love, The Personal Editors

What’s Shakin’

OPINIONS

anish1@eden elevators smell different to midgets

Wednesday, November 3, 1999

RantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRant

Brower Commons is highly underrated. For instance, look at the bathrooms. I mean, they're fucking cool. The urinals automatically flush after you've finished your business. The sinks automatically turn on when you stick you hands under them. It's fucking amazing -- like something out of Star Trek. You know what's really fun? Running around the bathroom trying to get all the urinals to flush and the sinks to run at the same time. You laugh now but you know you'll be trying it next time you're there. Then today I discovered an unflushed urinal on one of the automatic urinals and I have to wonder, "How the fuck did he do that?"

Was he wearing a suit designed not to let out any body heat? Was he just moving really slow? Or, did he have such a long penis that the dang thing just didn't sense him from such a far distance. In any case, this page is dedicated to that man...

Happenings!@#

RantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRantRant

REMEMBER: apeman will be appearing on Livingston pantless on November 10! Mark your calendars...

Fran Lawrence gets the exposure he so desperately deserves

Friday, 11/5 Court Tavern Confrontation The Melody Bar Cropduster Prosolar Mechanics The Ex Models

Saturday, 11/6 State Theatre Betty Buckley The Golden Rail King Pickle The Melody Bar The Up On In Victory At Sea

Henry Winkler says: Pouring wet cement down your anus feels good!

(what he meant to say was “Submit events to DESARNOC@EDEN”) Coca Cola is your only god.

Cum to Medium Meetings Wednesday, 9:30, Rm 113, LSC