11/05/03

OP/ED NOOSE 2-3

MAYO!

4-5

BAD JOKES!

GMG/ FEATURES 6-7

WHY? WHY NOT?!

“C”

ARTS 8

PERSONALS 9-11

IT’S MUSIC! NEVER FORGET HOORAY MUSIC!

WHAT’S SHAKIN’ 12

NINTENDO

Opinions

“Bum...Bum...Bum...Fine Fine Fine!!!”

Why I’m a Procrastinating Asshole and I’m Never Gonna Graduate

Thoughts on another semester half finished…

By: Michael Stanley Editor-in-Chief

By Aija McKenzie, Opinions Editress

eic@themedium.net

As I sit back and reflect upon this half semester that has passed, I realize it has gone by very quickly, but much has happened in this period of time that seems so short. This is the ninth issue of the Medium this semester, and we’ve got Thanksgiving around the corner and also Finals creeping up in a little more then a month. Next thing you know, you’ll be cramming for exams or binge drinking since you’ve given up on your classes, either way, The Medium will be there for you.

Time for a random rant! It’s November, and feels like it’s 80 fucking degrees outside, fitting isn’t it? Last Friday was Halloween, awesome time. Awesome time man, I wish every Friday was Halloween and I’d have the time I had. Have you ever just wished that you won a million dollars, or had the ability to stop time anytime you wanted? I do that time to time, and no, I didn’t steal that from the Simpsons or that kids movie Clockstoppers. Man, I feel like the Medium pimp at times, fitting my Halloween costume was a pimp. Have you ever listened to music with headphones and only had one ear on, and it sounds all weird? Funny, strange, that’s what’s going on now.

All in all kids, have fun this semester. Slack off, go out late, and skip some classes. Go to a diner at 2 in the morning.

Buckle down and get your shit done when it’s due, be a slackass until then. College only happens once, don’t spend all your time working!

It’s Your Life…

Who declared people unable to decide right from wrong? How did words on paper, holy books and written law, replace thought, emotion, and choice? “Live and let live.” Man is the only species capable of writing rules on how to live, but we are only one of the countless millions of species living today. Are we the exception that has to be Told how to act? Legalize narcotics - it won’t change who uses them. Get rid of the drinking and smoking ages - the drinkers and smokers will not change. But there are certain freedoms not taken away by culture and religion, no matter how hard they both try: freedom of heart, mind, and body. Love knows no boundaries, color, or creed: you are free to give it to however many people you choose, whenever you want. Thought has no limits, dreams no end: accept that your thoughts are different from your neighbors, and embrace those differences. Your body is yours to do whatever you want with: a temple or a wonderland, serious or playful-don’t let others tell you what to do with it. Have sex whenever you want, when you’re 16 or 36, it’s your choice.

This is college, the best time of our lives, where we find out more about ourselves than we ever imagined we could. Live now, and if you believe in an afterlife, live like there isn’t one, or you won’t appreciate your time here. Enjoy yourself, and let other people do the same. I love you. And I’m glad.

In earnest, Adam A.

Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8

Camp Jim Real World Road Rules OneBadTrip True Life Jackass Viva la Bam

Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12

Made Diary FraternityLife What’s Shakin

Cover by: Ned Berke, Pat McRoch and Michael Stanley

MEDIUM

CONTENTS

Wednesday, November 5th, 2003

Chances are, you’re in the same boat, more or less.

That’s why I write about this everyday shit instead of politics and the environment or whatever. Whether or not I get acceptable grades is a more immediate concern to me than who gives a shit about McCormick being a parkin’ lot pimp (which is not a bad thing at all, but I digress).

I have an exam tomorrow night. You’d think I would have studied this weekend, or maybe even today. Nope.

Sometimes I feel like there’s a conspiracy against me getting any kind of work done more than 24 hours before it’s due.

I’m not motivated to do much more than pour a beer, let alone be productive and start work early.

The introduction of RU-TV into my life has been tragic.

It’s 100% pure, unadulterated distraction. Thank God there’s an establishment that wants to give me free MTV and spoonfeed me movies every three hours. I was about to study one day, and guess what was coming on TV? View From the Top, that flight attendant movie with Gwyneth Paltrow. Why’d I watch it? Because it kicks homework’s ass, that’s why. I’m also addicted to every tedious show MTV has ever created.

But not when it comes on late at night, when I’m probably at the bar, but only when it comes on at 2pm, when I should be either studying or on my way to class. I’d go to my 1:10, but I’m too busy jerking off (metaphorically) to Camp Jim to leave my television. I’m an asshole.

Today, I had at least four hours to study this afternoon.

Too bad the “Diddy Runs the City” special came on. Then Oprah came on, also featuring P. Diddy. If you know me at all, you’d know I never gave a shit about Puff Daddy, but somehow all this marathon business became wildly more interesting than staring at a textbook. Then I had to clean off my desk before I could study, right? God, what a messy room. Maybe I should just clean the whole thing. Then I looked down at my feet. I need to clip my toenails, that one’s uneven. Maybe I should paint them, too. Yeah, that’s what…And, sure as shit, nothing got done.

Here’s what I’m proposing we do, and I say we, because it’s a problem for all of us. Make a list of all the ghey things you do when you should be working. It’s gonna be a long ass list, believe this. Now I want you to cut that list down. By as much as you need to, it could be as little as one thing, or as much as half the things on that list, but cut it down. I’m gonna try it, too, because at this rate, I will get NOTHING done…

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Oval of Doom Says: eat at Baja Fresh - it’s delicious!

Submit your articles to opinions@themedium.net!

Keep fucking shit up!

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Michael Stanley James Cortina Ned Berke Aija McKenzie Jim Cortina Dan Migliore Paul Simpson Jeff Buechner

Personals Editors Michael Stanley Steve Toboz Photographer Steve Toboz What’s Shakin’ Editor Larry Cheng Online Editor Chris Holt Advertising Manager Ned Berke Staff Artist Pat McRoch Senior Editor Aija McKenzie

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. This issue is dedicated toHalloween and all its sexy results! Keep those masks on, boys! BeerBeerBeerBeer!!!!

Wednesday, November 5th, 2003

“I smell like beer, marinara sauce and cigarettes...like Easton Ave. ”

This Better be Mayo

By Carmen C. Man, my head hurts. That party sure was bitchin’ last night. What I remember of it anyway. Maybe I had too much to drink. Last I remember I was dancing with some guy. What was his name? Damn music was too loud to hear it. He was kinda cute thoWhat the hell is this?! There shouldn’t be mayo on my stomach. Goddamn it, it’s on my legs too. And in my hair! What the fuck? Why would there be mayo on me?!

Wait. This better goddamn be mayo. If this isHold on. Let’s think for a second. Was dancing with the guy. Skinny, not too short. Eyebrow piercing. Stopped dancing to get a drink. Got me a drink. Everything started spinning. Wait, that’s not normal. Fuck!

Well, it could still be mayo. Maybe I should taste it. No, that’s a bad idea, cause if it isn’t mayo and it isNo, it couldn’t be. I’d remember that, right? I mean, no one forgets that sort of thing. Especially when there’s this much… mayo. It has to be mayo. Okay, okay, I’ll just taste it. Here I go. This is it. I really don’t want to do this. No, I will, cause it has to be mayo. It’s on my finger.

It’s to my lips.

Fuck.

I’m In Love With A Girl Named Nostalgia -TheStew If ever VH1 gets around to I LOVE THE 90’s, I have one suggestion for them. I loved VH1 when it was a crap channel with no real attractive programming. As a college student that needs to study and enjoys going out, the last thing I need is another TV channel that runs addictive shows, i.e. I LOVE THE 80’s. Just to give you an example, I loved ’83 four times this weekend and I only had sex twice.

That is a ridiculous TV show-to-sex ratio. It wasn’t just 1983 I was caught in, either. This weekendVH80’s programmed what could have been five marathons of I LOVE THE 80’s STRIKES BACK. As enjoyable as it is to reminisce about the decade most of you freshmen don’t really remember, it’s not cool that I now have craving for my childhood.

I’m pissed off that the Cartoon Network only shows GI Joe late nights about once a week. I want my Chicken McNuggets to taste the way Chicken McNuggets used to taste. I want to cruise up and down College Ave blasting Journey out of the TTops of a 1981 Pontiac Trans Am with a big screaming chicken on the hood. I want to grow up the way I thought I was going to grow up back in the 80’s.

I love the 80’s, god damnit, and instead of losing myself in some time wasting TV show I’m going to start living as the guy I wanted to grow up to be.

Look for me pretending my LHS is a Trans Am as I blast some retro 80’s British rock.

Editorials

Protection Scamming

by Evil Larry

On Oct. 30th Rutgers Hillel held “A Day Without Hate” campus-wide. Imagine a world without hate: no more crime, no more violence, and no more war. Let’s face it; life would suck without hate. We’d have nothing to watch on television, and we’d all sit around like a bunch of hippies on our asses singing Kumbayah. If someone didn’t think, “I hate those Nazis,” we’d have a lot fewer Jews and a lot more blonde, blue-eyed people running the world.

If we didn’t have some guy thinking “I hate being poor,” we’d lose the technological innovation that comes from capitalism. Hate is a healthy driving force in our lives. Therefore I propose a “Protection of Hate Week”...preferably the week after “A Day Without Hate.” Remember, hating is only your patriotic duty. So hate your dirty roommate for smelling up the place, hate those terrorists, and hate that damned guy who cut you off on the highway this week.

Get angry and yell at the guy who screwed up your Chinese takeout order. Do your duty to protect us from a world without hate.

On another note, I’d also like to propose “Protection of Pornography Week” since the Bush Administration has seen fit to declare the week of October 25th “Protection From Pornography Week” (http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2003/10/ 20031025-1.html).

“NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim October 26 through November 1, 2003, as Protection From Pornography Week. I call upon public officials, law enforcement officers, parents, and all the people of the United States to observe this week with appropriate programs and activities.”

Now, I can’t only blame the government for things having come down to such a declaration. This is also your fault and the porn industry’s fault. There’s no public support for pornography.

To solve this problem, I propose a two-step plan to reverse public opinion. First off, the porn industry has to step up and start bribing...I mean...contributing to campaigns. If they can weasel their way in like the tobacco industry and the oil industry, I’m sure they’d stop getting weeks like this declared. Step two would be to start a democratic grassroots movement to watch and promote porn.

Tell your neighbor, your priest and your grandparents that the administration is trying to eliminate their right to watch pornography. By word of mouth, we can show the administration we disapprove of their desire to squelch pornography. So next week, grab your nearest sex midget and/or goat, tie it down to a chair, and watch porn until both your eyes bleed cum. Save porn from these upstarts, it’s your civic and patriotic duty.

Heck, we’ve also had a “Protection from Homosexuality Week” thinly disguised as “Protection of Marriage Week.” early October; A week the government devotes to bashing gays while doing nothing to protect us from divorce and domestic abuse in marriages. Obviously a week protecting us from the ravages of homosexuality will make regular marriages happier! The administration would do better to declare “Protection From Terrorism Week” since we’re not really any safer than before.

Hell, we’ve got 52 weeks a year; we’ve got plenty of weeks for other things. Maybe we could better spend those weeks on “Protection from Terrorism Week,” “Protection from Smoking,” “Protection from Obesity,” and “Protection of Free Speech” week. There are plenty more weeks left for protecting us from minorities, furries, gays (aka Protection of Marriage Week), vegetarians, those guys who hand out bibles all the time, Jehovah’s witnesses, taxes, white guys with Asian fetishes, feminists, hippies, free-market capitalism, communism, etc. So let’s all get together and think up things to protect us from until our country is safe. Keep filling the pockets of our government with your tax dollars until we’re finally free. Free like people who pay the mafia for “protection”. Sure we’ve got problems, but the solution isn’t spending one week a year protecting American values, but every single day of the year.

Ed

NEWS NEWS

“I wish I had a laser-cannon arm.”

Wednesday, November 5th, 2003

Like Former Office Aide, McCormick’s Salary in an Odd Position

By Scrappy Bon-Bon D’Fromage

New Brunswick, NJ – The Board of Directors met on Friday morning to discuss a readjustment of President Dick McCormick’s salary. The changes include allotting $500,000 for a private brothel/liquor emporium, and $60,000 to hire some other schmuck to do whatever the fuck University Presidents do.

The private facility being planned for includes such amenities as an endless supply of alcohol, air-lifted daily, and a near endless supply of hookers… uhh… air-lifted daily.

On why the readjustment was taking place, Director Rubenhoffbergstein commented: “All this guy has done is give this University bad press since the moment he got here. I mean, who goes to a liquor store at 11 o’clock at night in New Brunswick. There’s black people in New Brunswick.”

An unnamed colleague echoed these sentiments: “If we get him distracted with booze and broads, he’ll either die of alcoholism or one of the many venereal diseases circulating through this university. Then one of our presidential candidates will step up and fill his tiny Irish shoes for a fraction of the cost.

That’s exactly what we’re going for.”

A wide spectrum of candidates is being considered for the job, including that awesome lady who swipes your card on Brower sub takeout night. Not the old ugly Swedish bitch, I’m talking about the friendly black one. Also being considered is Miglar Triveszxsynn, that expos TA that can’t speak English that you probably have.

The new facility will be named the Richard McCormick Center for the Study of Middle-aged Vice and is being constructed by the same company handling the Route 18 project.

It is planned for completion very soon.

Scrappy Bon-Bon D’Fromage is a french fuck. His hobbies include giving cigarettes to babies, drinking wine, and surrendering... to the groove, that is. He likes hairy pitted women. So you ladies from Douglass are shoe-ins.

I’m fed up with people not sending me articles. If you don’t send me an article this week, this will be you. If you’d rather not spend next Tuesday hanging from the hood of my car, send news articles to news@themedium.net Halloween Costumes Leave Few Laughing By: Brian Dwane Some students apparently got carried away by the excitement of Halloween; some have been suspended until further notice, and some are dead.

“Halloween is supposed to be a fun time, but it gets out of hand when students take it too far. For example, we had to suspend some students because of their costumes and behavior, which had a disturbing effect on the campus environment,” says President McCormick.

Brian Corbett was one of the students suspended. Evidently, he stood up in the middle of a lecture in a trench coat wielding a water pistol shouting: “Die jock die!” In an attempt to make the Columbine shootings funny, Brian failed. He was suspended until further notice and brutally assaulted after class.

In one case, the Halloween insanity resulted in death. Charles Corollo, a sophomore at RU dressed up like the Rutgers rapist. At 2am, he ran up behind a group of girls and screamed: “Give daddy some suga’,” while grabbing one of the girls. The girls retaliated with violence. Yoko Chow, the little Asian girl Charles grabbed, threw him to the ground and beat him to death.

After the horrible repercussions, some students are not convinced that Halloween fun can have an adverse effect on the lives of students and possibly end in a horribly embarrassing death at the hands of a cute little Asian girl.

Friends of Charles find his death funny.

“Dude, we told him it would be funny if he scared those girls and he may even get laid. I mean we knew all along he was going to get beat up. We just wanted to see it happen. I wish he was still alive so we can do it again.

It was hilarious!”

The ambivalence regarding the dangers of Halloween are being taken into account by President McCormick, who feels that he should take all measures to end the students’ good time.

Wednesday, November 5th, 2003

I WOULD LIKE ONE COCK (1) Hold up index finger to indicate single digit, then (2) make letter C.

NEWS

“This page also available in Braille for the sight-impaired.”

I PREFER TWO COCKS I’D ENJOY AN ENORMOUS HORSE Double clenched fists bracket and twist either COCK Both hands strain to wrangle an imaginary penis side of face, cheeks puffed out. with the circumference of a coffee can

LET’S KNOCK OUR COCKS TOGETHER Forefingers of opposing hands bonk together repeatedly, bending knuckles

Naughty sign language “borrowed” from Cold Bacon.com, entire series at: http://www.coldbacon.com/photos/fudtz-signlanguage.html. Not guaranteed to be accurate.

Fight Breaks Out at Rally Intended to Promote Day Without Hate

By Michael Stanley

The aftermath of Thursday’s Rally

New Brunswick - The event originally created by the Rutgers’ Hillel in order to allow the Rutgers University community to live a day where all students would be able to interact peacefully while encouraging the community to get along, blew up in the faces of the creators in front of Brower Commons this past Thursday night, October 30th.

I was in a knife fight in a bar in the South Pacific once. I’ll tell you this story and other “Two-Fisted Tales” if you come to the Medium Meeting tonight at 9:30 PM in Beck Hall Room 003.

Police Blotter -

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Nine students were arrested on felony Grand Larsony charges after selling counterfeit autographed classic “The Far Side” comic strips.

Two young men were arrested and charged with indecent exposure after a young woman complained that upon opening the front door for trick-or-treaters, she was greated by two men wearing nothing but plastic pumpkins on their crotches.

400 trick-or-treaters have filed a class action lawsuit against that “Dentist’s house” where all they got for Halloween were carrot sticks.

The editorial staff of The Onion have been arrested and charged with plagiarism, as their “Generic Candy Corn Will Give you AIDS” article was strangely similar to an article in The Medium last spring, “Kraft Easy Mac Gave Students ‘The Blues’, AIDS.” Longer article to come next week.

The official police statement is: We don’t care what anyone else says, Sean Paul blows donkeys. He always has and always will.

www.themedium.net

The fight began when a group of pro-Palestinians approached a large group of Jewish students asking if they were welcomed to partake in the “Day without Hate.” At this point the Jew with the largest nose yelled out what sounded like the beginning of every Jewish prayer and the Jewish majority soon surrounded the pro-Palestinian minority. In spite of this, the Palestinian sympathizers responded by throwing spare change at the students as a distraction. This was a temporary solution, but certainly not the final solution to their problem.

At this point a group of one hundred Jews jumped out from behind an idling H bus to cross the street and help their kind in their time of trouble. What happened next was incredible; one Palestinian sympathizer took out what looked to be a carpet and he and his fellow allies hopped on and flew away from the scene.

However, several Jewish students began to throw Molotov cocktails at them, and once the carpet was hit, it ignited and the carpet crashed into Mettler Dormitory.

There are currently no plans to repair Mettler, since all available funds have been spent on the Route 18 traffic repairs and a fleet of six DeLorean cars made to mimic the car from Back to the Future.

GMG

“You’re face to face with the man who sold the world.”

Wednesday, November 5th, 2003

A Guide to Nearby Casinos

by The Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Man You looking to make some money without working and don’t have an Italian relative to get you a job as a contractor? Do you want to throw your money away without bribing one of your TAs? Are you fat and want to fall face-down into a buffet besides Brower’s once in a while. Well, you’ll be thrilled to know you can do so at one of the many casinos less than a day away from here. I’ve tried a bunch of ‘em and thought I’d put my homework aside to share my findings with you losers, so read on!

Montreal and Niagra - Oh, Canada!

About 400 miles to our north is Montreal, Canada. Sure, it’s a bit of a ride, but it’s a nice area and you get to go thru some of New York’s nice hills. Near the city of Montreal, which is a fun time, you’ll find a fairly new casino. While this place isn’t very big and the food selections didn’t impress, it’s nothing to sneeze at. When I went there this summer one of the first slots I tried (after your sister) hit big and I was able to gamble most of my winnings away afterwards.

Also 400 miles away from us, but a little to the west is Niagra, right across the Canadian border and not far from Toronto, Canada’s other big city. The local Indians have put up their own casino there and it’s a pretty decent one. Lots of slots (and more than a few of them nickel-slots), lots of card tables, nice building, and best of all, even if you lose, you’ve only lost Canadian money! It ain’t worth jack!

So I hope this helps you lose some money at these local joints. Avoid AC, unless you need to kidnap someone for an experiment, and stick with the CT ones. Happy gambling!

Pst. You. Yeah, you. Whatcha doin’ tonight? Nah, fuck that man...come to the Medium meeting, 9:30 in Beck Room 003.

Pesky Pedestrians!

By: The Cheezy Devil Anyone, who has had the displeasure of driving here at Rutgers, has taken part in suburban vehicular combat. This specialized form of driving can also be deemed “guerilla warfare.” We’ve all seen it happen, or fallen victim to it. You’re driving down the street, and someone leaps out at you from behind a parked car, and jumps in front of yours in an almost Billy Blank type attempt to look death in the face. However they aren’t doing this for shock effect, they are doing it to get to class on time and make your driving experience a living hell in the process. If you choose to drive at Rutgers, you should look out for the following types of people. First on the list, the ghetto hoochie, A.K.A. greasy psycho that doesn’t bathe, wears designer imposter perfume, crunchy underwear and clothing made by “J-Lo.” This girl doesn’t know what common sense or decency is, and thinks she rules the road. Rules don’t apply to her, and she’s crazy. If you attempt to yell at her, she’ll “wile-out” on you, and start screaming about how you enslaved her grandpappy. Next, the stingy Jew, usually identifiable by their payless shoes, Kmart clothing and $5.99 haircut. When you see one of these people, SLAM ON YOUR BRAKES! These are perhaps the craziest of all pedestrians, in that they will seemingly hurl their bodies in front of your car, in an attempt to make money off a potential lawsuit. Crazy Asians are a breed in and of themselves. However, you usually cannot identify them, as they are quick, nimble and often times appear as a blur! It is essential, be on alert for these kamikaze hooligans, that have no reservations about risking their life to get where they are going. (Be extra careful not to hit an Asian, as they will hurl fireballs and kamehameha energy balls at your car! GMG Ed.) The last person to watch out for is Richard McCormick. How can you identify him? That’s simple, keep an eye out for a happy little lush, tripping over his own feet and chasing magical little gnomes across the street. Just let him pass in front of your car, as he poses no immediate threat. He’ll move on once he’s done staring at the shiny lights on your car and asking where Lassie went.

You can fight back! For all intensive purposes we will label the College Ave. area as the “combat zone.” There are several effective ways that I have found to “fight back” while driving there. First method: The Water Gun. This method only works if you can maintain calmness, long enough for the pedestrian to cross in front of your car. Then you whip out your Supersoaker and begin spraying the hell out of them. *Side note* be ready with your foot on the accelerator, if the pedestrian is a 6’6” black male wearing FUBU. Second method: the slow crawl. This method is simple and to be used for those dilly dallyers, that seem to take an eternity to cross the street. It begins with a tiny push on the accelerator, so you roll up slightly. You’re just making your presence known at this point and that maybe all that you need to do. However some pedestrians may counteract this, by going even slower. Now it’s time to roll a little bit more, maybe flash a dirty look or two and give a slight nudge in the kneecap with your front bumper. If this doesn’t work, simply tell them that you’re Jesus and have come to guide them back home. Then ram your foot on the gas. If this doesn’t get them to move, then they deserve to have their foot run over. However, if this is a 6’6” black male wearing FUBU; disregard the slow crawl method! Third method: Honking is FUN! Never be afraid to explore your car horn! It likes to be touched sometimes, and will in turn show its excitement by making the loudest most obnoxious noise imaginable. I like to hold the horn down, once the pedestrian is directly in front of my car. However, you should not let go of it right away. Hold it down; let them know your there and that you appreciate them making your day exciting! For added kicks, don’t let go of it once they reach the curb, continue to hold it down and stare at them. If you’re really daring, drive with a baggy of chopped meat in your glove box, for instances such as this.

Once the person reaches the curb, throw the meat at them and speed away. Again, do NOT implement this method if the pedestrian is a 6’6” black man wearing FUBU! Happy Driving!

Wednesday, November 5th, 2003

Features

“It’s beer-o-clock and I’m buying!”

Hello, Moto

Sexscapades

By: Anonymoose

By: Imogene

Hurtling toward oblivion from 36000 feet and I didn’t even get my cold beverage. Coach was a mess: babies crying, mothers shaking them, British nannies shedding bitter tears. The flight attendants ran the aisles, expertly dodging the pile-of-autoerotic-asphyxiation-victims-obstacles.

You could tell Mary used to do track in high school, maybe even college.

Haha, flight attendants in college.

Up in first class, the passengers broke open the emergency kits found under their beds. Three shots of Grey Goose and a travel size bottle of Quaaludes later, the first class passengers were once again enjoying the benefits of having too much money.

When the oxygen masks dropped, I strapped mine on under my chin, like a party hat. I promised myself that if I were ever about to die in a plane crash, I would wear my oxygen mask like a party hat. It kind of tickled, but no one sang “happy plane crash to you” when I did it. Yeah, I was disappointed, too.

Luckily or unfortunately, before I could get too upset and trip Mary Trackstar Stewardess as she lapped the beverage cart, my traveling companion woke up, flipped open his cell phone, and flung us out of the airlock, without saying a word about my awesome hat, that dick. He even had the nerve to duck when I tried to punch him in the head. But he looked really sorry. I guess he thought I was mad about still hurtling toward oblivion, because he flipped open his cell phone and released a parachute after I tried to punch him again. As we floated peacefully down to somewhere (that hopefully did not have sharks, or bears, or bears holding sharks), I felt a need to apologize for my behavior.

“I’m sorry I tried to punch you in the head,” I said to my companion.

“Forgive me. It was so juicy and inviting.”

“Don’t be a cock,” he said.

So, instead, I started turning blue. The sky was really cold. His cell phone noticed me shivering and knit me some mittens and a matching scarf. The phone also offered me a poncho, but I didn’t think it would match my hat.

The phone was an awesome knitter, and it could even crochet! When we landed on the deserted island, the phone printed out some blueprints for an island mansion-like thing and, after setting some nets to catch something for dinner, had the house built before the sunset. We ate the clams that the phone prepared while watching the sunset and listening to the phone play the ukulele like nobody’s business. As we lay down to sleep and the phone sang us a soothing lullaby, I turned to my companion and asked if I could use his phone to call my mom and tell her about my oxygen mask party hat. I really thought she would get a kick out of that. my companion looked over at the phone, and then shook his head.

“Sorry,” he said to me. “I don’t get service here.”

“Your phone sucks,” I said. And then I killed him.

“Ode To A Rest Home” The Triumphant Return of Alexander The Poet Inspired by moving in with my mom to an adult community in the summer of 2003...

When I moved into a rest home, I knew right from the very start It would feel just like, ancient Rome, My neighbor, would be an old fart!

It felt like I was in Egypt, Cause I’d see, a lot of mummies I was living in a damn crypt, This ain’t no rest home you dummies!

I was surrounded by zombies, Each Wednesday, they’d play bingo And they would often, feel at ease, After drinking, pepto bismo!

If you ever decide to move, Into a rest home with your mom Then this poem will surely prove, That a rest home, ain’t no school prom!

It has come to my attention that many of you are not feeling fulfilled while reading my stories. And by no means do I want to leave anyone “hanging.” So, to get back to the missing half hour of my Halloween story, let me attempt to satisfy you with the dirty details…

We left off with a lollipop between my legs. That’s where it started. The next thing I know, he’s got me from behind, slightly bent over the desk, skirt still on but lifted up, and my lace undies down around my ankles. He’s pushing into me with his hands on my sides. The deeper he goes, the harder my hips are being jammed into the edge of the desk. I know there’s going to be bruises tomorrow, but it’ll be a nice reminder for the rest of the week.

Now, I know some girls don’t like this position-not being able to see the guy-some girls feel like it’s a slightly humiliating position. But, in these types of situations, where time is of the essence, a girl can sometimes forget that there’s actually a guy behind her and can just enjoy the sheer excitement of being fucked. After all, that was the plan. Not to mention, I was playing a schoolgirl-being dominated was part of the costume.

I was a little disappointed that he wasn’t as vocal as I had expected. Especially because I had no problem letting the entire party hear how much fun I was having.

The pain of the desk finally took over and I pushed him back down onto the chair, myself on top, still with my back to him. (Girls, you have to try this out if you haven’t already-If you get it right and arch your back, the levels you can bring yourself to are unimaginable.) By this time, I was dripping all over him and his cherry wood desk chair and someone was knocking on the door.

Of course, by tradition, it’s always nice to end on a bed so we made our way there, me taking it from behind once again-can you tell I like it like that? -And I let him cum all over my ass, just so I could rub it into his sheets very thoroughly when he finished.

I wasn’t in the mood to chat afterwards, my hip bones were screaming. And I was just dying for a glass of water and a smoke. All that huff’n and puff’n had made me parched. Besides, I never planned to talk to him again, anyway. He only presented a challenge that I was determined to ace. And to top it all off, I forgot my panties.

So, there it is. I hope all your “constructive” criticism went to good use. If you have anything good to say about it, or any other past stories, email me at imosparks@yahoo.com.

Drinking Game of the Week: Icetray Quarters By: Beerman What you need: Ice tray, beer, a quarter, and people What you do: Play follows as regular quarters except you are shooting into an ice tray. The right side of the tray is the “give” side and the left side is the “take” side. The number of drinks to be given or taken corresponds to how far away the hole is. One drink for the hole closest to you and then one more for each one further away. You shoot until you miss or hit the “take” side and must drink yourself.

Yes, you too can have fame and fortune! Yes, you too can be loved and admired! All this can be yours simply by submitting to the Medium!

Submit things that don’t go anywhere else in the paper to Features@themedium.net!!!

Arts

Wednesday, November 5th, 2003

“Fuck this shit, I’m gonna go home and watch the Care Bears movie.”

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1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 (Jonas Sebastien Lemmingsson is an Icelandic uber-hipster.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 He is a veteran of such legendary indie rock bands as 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Three Headed Monkey and electronica powerhouse Tripe. His 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 hobbies include stalking Bjork, farming peacocks, hunting 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 penguins, and listening to WRSU everyday.)

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1

Holy crap, someone sent me some content this week: Music reviews by Jonas Sebastien Lemmingsson

Swell: Whenever You’re Ready (Beggars’ Banquet)

Swell is David Freel on guitars/vocals and Sean Kirkpatrick on drums. The band’s music is just as minimal as its makeup. Sometimes, that sort of simplicity results in great pieces, such as Neutral Milk Hotel’s albums; unfortunately, for Swell, the simple chord progressions and droney vocals barely passes for background music on Whenever You’re Ready.

Throughout the 15 tracks on the album, the theme of repetitiveness is repeated again and again. While Freel’s voice is soothing in small doses, it becomes quite boring quick.

The worst, however, are the persistent sampled random sounds. In addition to being droney, it also takes away from the band’s minimalist sound.

It is not an album without promise, but the nihilism that manifests in both the vocals and the lyrics prevents the band from fully exploring the possibilities. As it stands, the dreamy impressionistic landscapes in the insert is probably the most vibrant and memorable part of this release.

That’s right, folks… your cat is at the risk of getting AIDS, if you don’t submit articles to me. Send reviews, articles, poems, or anything else arts related to arts@themedium.net. Come to the Medium meeting tonight, 9:30 PM in room 003 in the basement of Beck hall at Livingston campus (no pets allowed, please).

And listen to the Volcano Worshipper’s Hour, every Monday night from 12-2 AM, on WRSU 88.7 FM.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 Venetian Snares: Chocolate Wheelchair (Planet µ) 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 (review by the Volcano Worshipper) 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 Even though Aaron Funk (also known as Venetian Snares) 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 has released something like 3 or 4 albums already this 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 year, and still has at least one or two more set for release 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 in the near future, it almost seems like we haven’t heard 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 from in a while. I mean, not really, since he’s always 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 releasing stuff, but his last few releases have seen him 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 exploring different styles and approaches to music, that 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 this album sort of feels more like the followup to his 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 albums Higgins Ultra Low Track Glue Funk Hits and 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 2370894, both released by Planet µ last year. Like those albums, this is an eclectic 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 mish-mash of aggressively cut-up beats and samples, with a significant dose of dark 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 humor. It’s certainly better than his previous release, Nymphomatriarch, which was 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 infamously composed entirely of samples of him and Hecate having sex (you can 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 check it out if you want, but it’s pretty fucking boring, honestly), but my favorite 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 Snares album of the year is still Find Candace, which is an unrelentingly dark and evil 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 album about, um, killing children. So it’s nice to see him sort of lighten up for this 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 Matmos: The Civil War (Matador) 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 album. The album cover and title alone remind me of the episode of the Simpsons 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 where Homer daydreams about a land where everything’s made of chocolate, which 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 Eeeeeek. This is 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 bodes well for the actual music contained within. The first track, “Abomination Street”, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 absolutely atrocious. I like starts off with a flurry of jazzy drums and horns and bass guitar, gradually getting both 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 more aggressive and melodic, before a sample of the vocals from X-Ray Spex’s punk concept albums, and I like this 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 classic “Oh Bondage Up Yours” and some harsh jungle breakbeats ruin everything for concept, especially its dealings 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 anyone expecting some jazzy drum’n’bass to chill out to (not that anyone listening to 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 with the British Civil War, but 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 a Snares record would anyway). The next track, “Too Young”, changes things a bit, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 the CD is just horrible. sampling what sounds like Motley Crue over a stuttering, malfunctioning beat. After 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 The entire album is filled with that curious misstep, Funk gets back to business with several more tracks of the usual 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 spazzy jazz drum breaks, rave synths and vocal samples pilfered from all sorts of 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 incomprehensible noises and bleeps.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 records (hip hop, reggae, 50s pop, etc). “Hand Throw” is an impressive track that Occasionally, an interesting instrumental 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 starts out ragga-jungle, but then builds up to 1000-BPM terrorcore, before suddenly 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 refrain comes through, but those moments are 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 fading away. “Epidermis” is a frightening early 90s rave throwback, although the vocal quickly overshadowed by more annoying sampled 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 sample in it sounds like it came from some 80s record that I can’t quite figure out. The sounds. There are neither coherent melodies or 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 second to last track, “Marty’s Tardis”, starts out really promising with a nice sounding 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 melody, but the track rambles on for 9 minutes without really going anywhere. The rhythm present. I suppose one could 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 album crashes to a halt with the self-explanatory “Herbie Goes Ballistic”, filled with 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 rationalise that it is just a parallel to the 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 screeching car horns and explosive distorted beats. As a whole, this album is pretty chaos in the civil wars; but quite frankly, I 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 much a mixed bag, and not the most highly recommended album of his, but still worth 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 think any rational agent would reject this hearing, if yr into spazzy electronic music, anyway.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 tripe as mere meaningless noise.

Underrated Artist Appreciation, by the Volcano Worshipper

Pleasure Forever: Alter (Sub Pop)

I have to say, the album cover is one of the most homoerotic images I’ve ever seen, in a good way. Random comments aside, Alter is one of the most pleasurable listening experiences this year. I guess you can call Pleasure Forever a rock band, though the blistering vocals and driving piano make them more than that.

‘Tempest II’ and ‘Hymn Harmonia’ are the highlights, but there really isn’t any downers on this. The songs differ in their style, but the intensity is kept up throughout.

Seriously, I think no description or elaboration can do justice to the band’s intriguing, varying sound, so you should just listen to this. It’s good. For Real.

One of the most perplexing one hit wonders of the 1990s was Mark Morrison. The British R&B singer scored a huge hit in 1997 with “Return Of The Mack”, which was ironically his first hit single (although according to AMG, the song was inspired by his release from prison after an incident at a club in 1995). The song itself may just be an ordinary piece of funky urban pop music with lyrics about coming back strong after some girl fucked him up… but there’s just something peculiar about the vocals. I remember talking about this song with my friend Jon last year; he said that when this song came out, he thought it was the funniest thing ever. He couldn’t tell where this guy was supposed to be from, based on his accent; was he American, or British, or Jamaican, or maybe just an alien from outer space? Besides that, the ad-libbed backup vocals just somehow sound weird and kind of funny, especially when he blurts out things like “oh my god!!!” and (my favorite) “pump up the world!!!” Not only that but his grammar doesn’t totally make sense (“she said she’d never turn on me, but you did, but you did”); and don’t even get me started on the part when he says “but I do, but I do, do, do…” So for whatever reason, this song has always made me giggle for no apparent reason. After this, the man had a few more hits overseas, put out a sophomore slump album called Only God Can Judge Me (which my friend Torin says was his gangsta album, or something) and probably got arrested again. However, just in this past month apparently, Morrison signed a £2.8 million deal with a new record label founded

by British football (meaning, soccer) star Kevin Campbell. So, the mack may return with his best work yet. Probably not, though. In the meantime, I’ve been listening to “Return Of The Mack” on repeat on Winamp for the past hour, so I’m going to have a hard time getting it out of my head now. Fuck. I’ll have to put on some Haddaway now to drown it out. What is love! Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more…

Wednesday, November 5th, 2003 to that fucking gooky eyed gook of a molester, are you fucking braindead? anyone with a fraction of a tic tac sized brain could figure out what the word “no” means, but apparently you dont know what it means and therefore you’re considered a complete and utter moron. since you had so much damn fun in korea, why don’t you go back there! do us a favor and stay there! we dont want you here and i especially wish you would just go to hell or just to jail because that’s what you fucking deserve, you disgusting piece of cock liver. (wow sounds like another wonderful immigrant from the great country of korea. we welcome all you gooks.) shout outs to michael aka arnold, thanks for developing the maserati pics! carol hurry up on the school paper and come over so i can lay with you and kiss you (oooh carol, aren’t you lucky, someone wants to lay with you and kiss you. i’m so jealous and so is everyone else because everyone wants to do that with you, especially the guy on www.ilovemartinscock.com) how do you keep a gook from drowning? take you foot off his head. yo man this is the best shit ever! at 5am we hit it up da streets at club abyss and man i down 13 taquilaz before I got piss drunk yo! I love you guys man and imma hit it up next week at Enyce too. Thanks Biizi and Joyo, dat was the best shit eva!~ to that fat bitch i saw walkin up somerset, you are so white trash. why dont you go back to the shit hole you came from, lets keep ru clean

“My Maserati smells like a dead cow.”

for all of those invading my sexual boundary, get back to one of my two houses and wash my car after you are done cutting my grass then you wont have to take the bus anymore and then go to mickey ds and buy a number one with your food stamps (i always detest people who are trying to invade my sexual boundary, even if i’m a sexual deity and hard to resist, it doesn’t mean you can get in my face whenever you want, i don’t like to associate with ugly people and i’m sure this writer doesn’t either.) to jesse, i love you. you are so effin’ cool, i wish i could be like you, minus the moppy hair and trucker hat. you’re an original baby! muah, xxxooo. -carol

see? things always seem to work out when you do whatever you want and dont think about the consequences

dear carol, happy birthday. hey! you slanty eyed grovery clerkfuckin poor, wannabe me will you marry me, carol? to stacy, your mom has got it motherfucker heres a dollar goin on and i hear you do too! watch my car.

(are you being facetious? cause whenever i do whatever i want, i get what i want! if i want to rape someone, i rape em! and then i go to jail! then they feed me cause when i’m at home i’m too poor to eat.) yao, fuckin slanty eyed, short, fat, worthless, friendless, wanna be me motherfucker. you missed out on everything i am that you wish you could be

let’s start a purse fund raiser and then you can make the $300 to buy the kate spade bag. think of ideas and then you can buy all the handbags u want. tell evan to get 4 jobs and buy you purses... his living would be the purse supplier. hahaha. jk evan. puhahaha!

lemme get a piece of that

eggs are good for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. did you know that i have read all the snapple caps and there’s no more facts to learn? it means i know everything and now i am god!!

if you’re happy and you’re an elephant, you eat peanuts. the way i de-wiggerized myself was actually by hanging around with un- wiggers... i got a feel for another culture beside the negro/wigger one i was inventing for myself out of need to be ‘different’... and once i got a feel for the metal/hard rock/WHITE culture... i started to defy my black urges and have been white ever since ha ha

to michael stanley, do you think you’re mr pimp daddy? well you are cause i wish i could fuck you all w w w. t h e m e d i u m . n e t night while donkey w w w. t h e m e d i u m . n e t punching you.

to the damn indians practicing their crappy dance routine every week in the easton ave apts, pick a different floor! i’m tired of catching a wiff of your skanky b.o. and listening to your horrible music. whatever you’re practicing for, you’re gonna lose, so give up now.

why did the blonde snort lines ( w w w. l i q u i d k i d s . c o m ) of sweet and low? cause she for lindsay, happy birthday, i thought it was diet coke. hope it’s your last.

dear christopher, do you hate me? i know that i suck, but i suck well don’t i? i know things suck and might not be the way you wish but i really do think you’re amazing. if u want to Fucking Rutgers, why did they present a 2 karat diamond to to my fat fuck roommate, have to make the Initial D me, i might reconsider my you’re a cocksucking whore arcade game so fucking stance. x3 and i hate you. why don’t you expensive... oh wait, its To the group of fat girls that ran and your fat ass boyfriend go because our gayass to get on the LX bus...i felt like fuck together so everyone can McCormick gets his dick screaming STAMPEDE and hear your cellulite smacking off stroked by RU Football... then you monsters sat around one another. and why the fuck nevermind me i felt like a marble in a game did you get your belly button This goes out to Aija the of hungry hungry hippos pierced? it only draws editoress, you fucking rock. i saw this really big girl today attention to the flat tire you Thank you for trying to educate and she was wearing a belly have hanging over your really women about how to act and shirt. it was not a pretty sight. small flat ass. you are suck dick, good job. All the girls, if your chub hangs out, it’s disgusting. fucking wear some men thank you for it. keep up a good sign you shouldn’t be clothes when you go out so the good work, and fucking shit wearing what you’re wearing. nobody has to look at your up nasty fucking fat body. by the dear lindsay, why don’t you way, go find a new boyfriend (hell yeah! aija rocks! i gotta do everyone a favor and quit say that or she’ll beat me up.) fucking that nasty ass rap- because the one you have cheats on you all the time. oh ist of a bf you have and come wait, nobody around here over to my place and i’ll dates fat chicks. looks like you show you my idea of fun.the gotta go to weight watchers neighbor wars are not fun, chubs. so come over to my turf. i’ll egg. (wow we almost have the make it feel like your first same name and you sound time, everytime. <3 Chrislike you need some lovin, so topher “Topher” Grace figure out who i am and come (damn christopher, you’re get some.) obsessed! you talk about linds To my favorite backstager like it’s you job!) from this past summer at the

this pg brought to you by ch

Personals

(that’s mean. I hope it’s not her last and I wish her a happy birthday cuz she’s mah chica.)

TO THE FAT FUCKING WHALE ON THE LX BUS, WHOSE LUDICRIS SHIT LIKE SMELL ALMOST CAUSED ME TO HAVE A SEIZURE: TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER IN TURPINTINE AND LIGHT YOURSELF ON FIRE YOU FAT REPULSIVE LARD FUCK, IF I DEFICATED ON YOUR CHEST YOUR SMELL WOULD IMPROVE, IF YOU EVER HAD A DATE BEFORE I’D BE PROUD TO SHAKE THE MAN’S HAND WHO GOT THROUGH IT WITHOUT YOU LEAVING TWINKIE STREAKS ALL OVER HIM!!!

To the rump wrangler butt muncher who works for me landscaping. You suck at work you suck at school you lifemate says you suck at sucking.Don’t come to work anymore complaining that your asshole hurts, you should not have had a black guy become your lifemate. If you worked harder then you would make more money and be able to buy some lubricant. Good luck at PNC Bank Arts Center. I now the proctologist. hate you. The game is over. Are you happy now? You could to CH: thanks for taking me to have had me, but you chose to the maserati event. it was so leave one thing out.....the fact amazing. maybe one day you that you had a FUCKING can have a quattroporte and i’ll GIRLFRIEND and did not tell have a measley audi, then we me! Thanks for all of the fun can race and you can whoop times though! I hope she hates mah ass. you’re such a cool you too when I fill her in on friend. i enjoy our friendship everything that you said and did immensely. please don’t hate to me. Revenge is sweet baby. me, it would really suck if you Thanks for everything! Luv, did.

Your Favorite VIP Girl to that fucking fag in my art his(people fucking suck, but tory class, why dont you be a then you get to revel in sweet little more homo? you think sweet revenge and then it’s your style is rockin, but even a straight guy has better style. all worthwhile.)

Personals i love indian chicks or pakistanian or whatever they are. i love the way they smell like curry and rice and their beautifully-browned skin from tanning on the shores of the arabian sea. i love the way they fuck me like they are dropping a hydrogen bomb on my white american penis. these voluptuous vixen-terrorists get my blood boiling. holler at me sand spics. dear abby, lately i've been feeling not so fresh down there. i was wondering if this is normal amongst all girls or if i'm just dirty...because i feel dirty. if this is normal is there anything i can do to stop it or am i stuck feeling like there is extra cheese on my taco. please let me know asap because my boyfriend says my privates taste like s o u r d o u g h bread.thanks.sincerely, sourdough vagina (Although your privates tasting like sourdough bread is a good thing, I would say its coochie crumbs. When your fat ass is eating crackers, don’t let the crumbs all down your pants. I also say my name isn’t Abby, bastard…)

To those whores at New Gibbons: You stupid fucking bitches, you're too small to ride roller coasters at Six Flags, you still get lollypops when you go to the bank! Your cunt's smell like the ass of a dead rotting mule and is so loose I sometimes get the urge to park an 18 wheeler in it. Oh, and that abusive boyfriend you have thank him b/c if it wasn't him I'd beat you if you cheated on me. When you break the 4 foot mark give me a call and I'll slam my bulbous cock in your tiny asshole! I just want to throw you infront of a Rutgers EE bus. Love... By the way, you are worth NOTHING and I killed your squirrel! to the motherfucker that blew a fireball at the stone st. halloween party -- sucks you got kicked out cause some whiny cocksuckers can't take a joke, god that party was biting Siegfried ass already, you were better off leaving t is for tricky clitoris a is for asian s is for slippery nipple c is for cunt licker a is for .....asian hot pants r is for raunchy cock absess What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?

Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

“Look, if poop comes out of it, it’s an ass…”

To that fucking loswer MyWorld: Take your abstinence only propaganda and shove it up your tight virgin asshole, you cock sucker. I bet you're scared of STDs because you're carrying twenty of them yourself. Go lecture your priest friends about how condoms don't prevent the spread of STDs, the rest of us don't want to hear the shit spewing out of your mouth.

(We need less of those people and more of the next…)

To that piece of shit male whore on livingston...next time a girl does you a favor, reciprocate. it is the gentlemanly thing to do. And it would be nice to clean up after yourself when you are finished. Some of us don't enjoy sleeping in cum-stained blankets. If you gave me a disease, I am going to fuckin hunt you down and shoot you. i know where you live now. and i know the lx takes me there.

(Yes, a lot more of this kind...)

Mothereffing campus security managed to throw a $25 parking ticket onmy windshield between the time that I ran upstairs to drop my stuff off in my room and run back downstairs to re-park my car (that's a total time of about 4 minutes). I even left my blinkers on!!!

They really need to start finding better things to do. I've been driving all morning, I'm tired, missed my first class, and I am mad Chicks with big hooters rock.

Fat chicks rock the boat. smooth b doesn't get a poem cause he should die a horrible horrible horrible death, like be eaten by old geriatric women or something.....yeah

To that whiny ass Gook who complained about Hate. GO FUCK YOURSELF you asian nigger.We all get made fun of in the Medium, so shut the fuck up...BITCH Whats the deal gay foam soap in the Busch dining hall. Are people too fucking lazy to lather thier own soap? And it leaves its gay fresh scent on me for hours. fucking gay soap.

(Its not soap. Its Asian regeneration cream. Keeps them from being able to drive…)

I have a message for those who talk on cellphones or have loud conversations in the library while other people are trying to FUCKING STUDY FOR THEIR MIDTERMS: Go home and die.

To the hot Hispanic weekend A busdriver. First off, we dig the red sweatband. Secondly, if you hit that thang in bed the way you drive yo bus, DAMN! We'll ride your bus anytime!

What! What! Holla!

To that dumb broad of a woman that keeps playing mind games with me. Look here you big titted baboon, all i want in to stick it in you and be out. So play mind games with me while i am driving your head into the wall while pounding your shit from the back. I can’t wait any longer.

Just fuck me. i went country line danceing the other night. WOW, that was awsome.was gay for the night...

Wednesday, November 5th, 2003

I am a closet homosexual seeking a single black male. Preferably, at least a 8 inch hard cock. I am just looking for a good tear at the asshole and nothing more. Black cock is what I love, and black cock is what I need. To avoid awkwardness, please come to my room in McCormick while I'm sleeping and forcefully shove your non-lubricated manbeast into my tiny Russian ass. Just ask for Alex the "Rusty Trombone."

To the hot chick with funny hair in my ananomy class.

Next time the teacher asks for a volunteer, stand up, yell, show us your tits, and i will give you a 50 cent piece.

When i go to a resturant, and the waiter askes if i need change, i take out m wang and smack him with it.

TO THE FAT FUCKING WHALE ON THE LX BUS, WHOSE LUDICRIS SHIT LIKE SMELL ALMOST CAUSED ME TO HAVE A SEIZURE: TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER IN TURPENTINE AND LIGHT YOURSELF ON FIRE YOU FAT REPULSIVE LARD FUCK, IF I DEFECATED ON YOUR CHEST YOUR SMELL WOULD IMPROVE AND IF YOU EVER HAD A DATE BEFORE I'D BE PROUD TO SHAKE THE MAN'S HAND WHO GOT THROUGH IT WITHOUT to the shit fucker who keeps YOU LEAVING TWINKIE rapping outside of Tillet: SHUT STREAKS ALL OVER THE FUCK UP NIGGA! Get HIM!!! back inside that damn kitchen (What’s with you fucking and serve me my damn food. I Germans and shitting on pay you to cook, not people? Fucking Nazi’s and rap...BITCH your fucking personals in all caps…)

Another Halloween, another night of girls dressed up as sluts.

The classic outfits...french maid, sexy angel, school girl, sexy kitten, sexy devil, and sexy hooker...were well-represented as usual on and around Halloween night. Way to go ladies your unoriginalness has once again given me a mega huge boner that will last me well into this week. We need more holidays like Halloween to give females an excuse to be sluts (how many days until mardi gras?).

(I like the girl that went out in plastic wrap. O yeah, just like that…)

The illustrious “Evil Larry” To that piece of shit in my Orgo class,You are not fucking BLACK! Stop saying stupid shit like "Yo MaN, itz lik HOT 97 wheer ju kan give shoutouts YO!" or "This is some HOT SHIT Like Them CHickenheads down on Douglazz" Fuck you man, you know you are just a FOB Indian and you are NOT BLACK...hell even the Nigerian kid sitting next to me is blacker than you. You fucks make us REAL INDIANS LOOK BAD. FOR THE FUCKING LAST TIME, INDIANS ARE NOT BLACK. YOU ARE NOT NIGGAZ because YOUR RICH DADDY CAN BUY YOU FUBU OR TUPAC ALBUMS. FUCK YOU POSEURS! (Well, the truth of the matter is that all “real” Indians look bad anyway, so don’t be so hard on the little wannabe…)

To the Medium Editors, i went to a meeting one week last semester and you did suttin like onion’ed me or suttin. Anyhow, my friend suffered the same fate this year and i think that you people are dumb fuckers and if we had a group and you came, we would haze you and make you cry.

(This is the gayest thing I ever heard…)

The people in that cartoon have huge noses. Sorta like penis’s from their heads...

Wednesday, November 5th, 2003 Danielle - I’m sorry I didn’t call you back or show up at your Halloween party this weekend, I was a dumb ass and didn’t get the voicemail until the day after. I hope we can do something soon since I haven’t hung out with you at all this semester. Hope all is well.

(Boo-hoo-hoo cry me a fucking river. You are a dumb-ass for not going to her party, it was probably a pity invite anyways!)

CH, thank you for helping me with all that crap I’ve been too busy to do. You are a good friend and I hope you know that when I joke with you about anything I don’t really mean it.

You are awesome and I’m glad to have you as a friend here.

(What the fuck is up with this? The period section, no it’s the personals section, this is where you talk about that chick you want to fuck, or some asshole who pisses you off, not your emotions you bitches) Hey assholes as DKE, thanks for throwing my friend out of the party. One the other side, I had a fucking awesome time! I guess that’s all that matters!

Some ‘anglosaxon’ name are now also predominantly used by blacks, such as Tyrone, Dewayne to name a few. You will rarely see a black person with a name like Emily, Sarah, Ann, Margaret, Gweneth, Howard, to name a few.

It does give me a chuckle when the college football announcer try to figure out the pronounciation of a word that never existed before.

(I do have to agree there, some sports commentators are horrible, especially the assholes on CBS. Why can’t they get anyone decent to commentate on the Jets games? Sims and Gumble is just plain horrible!)

This personal is to that hot girl I spent Halloween with. I had an awesome time, and drank way more then I intended to. I think the same happened with you. All in all I think I had an awesome time th is Halloween and I wanted you to know that.

Hopefully we can hang out and do something again soon. Let me know what’s up.. xoxoxo I’d rather eat (you) out - CH (Reminds me of the time I asked someone if they were dining in or eating out when I worked at a food place.

They were eating out!)

Personals

“You forgot I was a ninja, MUTHA FUCKA!!!!”

GReeTiNGs wHitE kOmrAdeS....”)~ . I havE been WonderinG for a lOng time, what is da propeR age for first seXual expeRienke. On dA one hanD todai ieoung people hAve daiR first sEx at veRie ieouNg age anD da mass media Like MTV Is sendiNg a meSsage to da ieoUd dat iT is alRite. On da odar hanD dare Is da kOnservatiVe point of vieW whikh klaims dAt sex aT ieoung age is not goOd and Anodar eVen more KonservatIve POV Is dat pEople shAll have sex onlIe after daie get married. AnodaR issue iS dat dAre is a differEnt attiTude towArds maleS and femAles, eveN in da mOst konseRvative sOkietie dA male mAi have a lot of partners before he get mArried While da Female is not alLowed tO do so And sokIal sankTions are enforkeD against her if sHe do so...~ ^_^ - What are ieour opinions? and What is da poSition of WN About it?

Dank ieou, Peter da GreAt (HeY DuDe, UR A LOOZER! Seriously, get a fucking life, stop talking like a AOL Hacker. Why don’t you stop jerking off for a second and take a look at yourself. Then go back to masturbating since its the best you could ever get!)

I have noticed that the ending syllable in most names ends with a ‘aun’ sound...i.e antwoun, Keyshawn, Anquan, Dante (all football players).

Another trend is to use ‘Le’ in front of the names, as in Lebron, leshaundra, Ledraun, Laquisha. In some cases, ‘Sh ‘ sound is used like Shaquile, Shawneice etc etc. then again, their are some that do not follow any rules, like Kordell, Plaxico, Beyonce etc etc.....on second thought Beyonce might fall under the first rule of the ‘aun’ sound, except it has an ‘accent’ on e...to make it french (You’re a god-dammed Jackass! Where are all the personals to that slut in Clothier...below is what it should be like) To that slut that lives on Clothier 4, we know you love the cock and we love your huge titties and the fact you love to fuck and suck as much dick as possible. Man, thank god for the sluts like you at Rutgers, anytime someone wants a BJ, they just go see you and 5 minutes later, you’ve got a shot in your mouth!

So, what’s wrong with the NJ women? How come we don’t hear stories of his liasons dangereuses at Rutgers?

It’s been more than six months already.

He is aging, perhaps. Nevertheless, I expect more from the NJ women.

Or are they all self-rightious (hypocritic) (Yo dude, you forgot about retards, as I feared? Dirty p u r i t a n s , fucking him in the ass after as Troy reminds. you sucked his small guinea J’adore mon president, de toute cock! FAGGOTS!) f a c o n !

I think we, as the Medium To that “fag” of an “editorin-chief.” Screw “you.” You collective, should send him a don’t “know” anything. You l e t t e r o f support/sempathy. Serious. I just “suck” and talk “too” personally would like to write “much.” I “hate” you. him in support “Why” “do” “you” “make” and invite him over for a diner “us” “listen” “to” “you” “?” and sincere talk. We got good JEWS ARE DELICIOUS. wine at home (You think they’re good? I and he doesn’t have to drive - I can drive him back and forth. find that they scream too Who gives (or has the right to (God damn, there are some much when you try to stick give) a damn even if he was biserious asian/white/black is- em in a junkyard oven.) sexual with sues in the personals this Hey you, yeah you, if you ten different gendered lovers? week. Didn’t we learn any- know who this is you know Next time I demand a woman thing from “A day w/o I’m talking to you. I think we president who can maintain healthy relationship hate?” See the News section should get together maybe with a senior undergraduate for the real story..) sometime.You seem like fun, and I like fun, so what would every school year. Will show her To the pledge who had to love for the clean up my puke on the frat you say about us together community.

Generously! having fun? If you’re unsure

Fuck you WHITE BOY! pick up any history book and youll see white people killing each other or another race, stupid c r a c k e r s romans:celts,germans,arabs,black people medievil whiteys:arabs, each other colonial era: black people, indians american expansion era: indians think about it, white people were the first people to turn gun powder into a practical battlefield weapon the europeans slaughtered everyone they met in jerusalem during the crusades when a roman unit ran away during a battle they might be decimated, every 10th man was beaten to death by his commerades.what im trying to say is that white people are nauturally more violent than others

house floor Saturday morning: I considered coming in when I woke up to help. I had figured it was my puke, and my fault I puked, I oughta have cleaned it up.

I mean, it would have been the right thing to do, and I always try to do the nice things.

But then I realized, I dont give a fuck about you. Enjoy the puke.

This goes out to that cute girl who knows that I’ve written personals about her.

Yeah, so, you know I’ve written them. *Awkward Silence* How about we do something sometime and have some fun? Drinking, movies?

Maybe more?!?

yo man this is the best shit ever! at 5am we hit it up da streets at club abyss and man i down 13 taquilaz before I got piss drunk yo! I love you guys man and imma hit it up next week at Enyce too. Thanks Biizi and Joyo, dat was the best shit eva!~

if this is to you or not, then it’s not meant for you.

Dan, sorry I blacked out and missed your party. :(

What’s Shakin’

“Yes, teens were built for sex!”

WedNESday November 5th, 2003

Another 80’s Rant I miss the old days of 8-bit video games, where the notion of 3D trilinear shadow mapping or what have you, was not even a notion in my 10 year old head. I remember when the games had substance, or when they lacked substance, were extremely hard so you would have to buy a new controller when you smashed you current one on the table in a furious manner. Well as furious as a 10 year old Asian boy can smash a controller. Now we have games that need 12 buttons to do the same thing as one with two. Why do you need double forward, up, down, a, x, z, b, a to do a kick when A, in all it’s big red button glory, was good enough to kick in Kung-Fu. With all the limitless in graphics, the gameplay of most new titles is lacking. I mean, it took me a good year to beat Legend of Zelda, and another year to beat Castlevannia II: Simon’s Quest, while most games I play now take me under 3 days to finish. Where is the innovation?

The games where you would beat yourself with a hammer rather than play the same boss for the hundredth time? I don’t know, but it keeps me up some nights.

Some of the tastiest choices in NES games I have ever seen. You have not lived until you have played these games. Do it now, or I’m going to shit on your family.

WFMU Record Fair

Sends events to: events@themedium.net

Send in events or it will become Don’t Feed Phil Day for the next two weeks Nov 7-9 Fri: 7-10PM Sat and Sun: 10AM-7PM Metropolitan Pavilion, 125 W. 18th St., NYC Live performances by Evolution Control Committee and others. Tons of music for sale!!!

For more info: http://www.wfmu.org/recfair/

Comedy

Music Thurs, Nov. 6-Jeffery Gaines at The Theatre Of Living Arts, Philadelphia, PA Thus, Nov. 6-Olivia Newton-John at The Westbury Music Fair, Westbury, New York Thurs, Nov. 6-Vince Neil, Them at The Chance, Poughkeepsie, New York Fri, Nov. 7-Blink 182, Bubba Sparxxx at The Theatre Of Living Arts, Philadelphia, PA Fri, Nov. 7-Static X w/ Soil, Skrape, Twisted Method at The Stone Pony, Asbury Park, NJ Fri, Nov. 7-Engelbert Humperdinck at The Westbury Music Fair, Westbury, New York Fri, Nov. 7-Fuel at The Chance, Poughkeepsie, New York Sat, Nov. 8-Barenaked Ladies at Tower Theater, Upper Darby, PA Sat, Nov. 8-Particle, Addison Groove Project at The Theatre Of Living Arts, Philadelphia, PA Sun, Nov. 9-Phantom Planet, Ben Lee at The Theatre Of Living Arts, Philadelphia, PA Mon, Nov. 10-Puddle of Mudd at The Theatre Of Living Arts, Philadelphia, PA Mon, Nov. 10-Sugarcult, Story of the Year, Jackson at The Downtown, Farmingdale, New York Mon, Nov. 10-Duran Duran at Tower Theater, Upper Darby, PA Tues, Nov. 11-Guided By Voices at The Theatre Of Living Arts, Philadelphia, PA Tues, Nov. 11-Wayne Wonder at B.B. King Blues Club & Grill, New York

Wed, Nov. 5-Ross Bennett, Ben Bailey, Nick Dipaolo, Buddy Bolton, Dov Davidoff, Robert Kelly at The Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal Street, New York Thurs-Sat, Nov. 6-8-Jamie Lissow at The Stress Factory, New Brunswick, NJ Thurs-Sun, Nov. 6-9-Michael Colyar at Caroline’s, Broadway, New York Thurs-Sat, Nov. 6-8-Greg Rogell at Rascal’s, Cherry Hill, NJ Thurs-Sun, Nov. 6-9-Paul Mercurio at Rascal’s, Ocean Township, NJ Thurs, Nov. 6-Modi, DC Benney, Dov Davidoff, Jim Norton, Ben Bailey at The Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal Street, New York Fri and Sat, Nov. 7 and 8-Brian Regan at Bananas Comedy Club, Hasbrouck HTS, NJ

LOST FILM FEST Hosted by: Culture Jam Fri, Nov. 14 at RSC Graduate Student Lounge(behind Au Bon Pain) 8pm - FREE! Come see some of the movie that would never make it to your local big screen theater. For more information goto: www.lostfilmfest.com

Come to a Medium meeting at 9:30 PM on Livingston and have a free whack at our mascot, Willy the Weiner. Don’t worry, he likes it..... as much as we do.