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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue IX
November 5th, 2008
50¢
McCain Defeats Wife Obama is Speechless After GOP Domestic Victory BY ABA SABABA STAFF WRITER
Washington, DC- In a stunning display of strength, clout, and overall manliness, John McCain has majorly upset candidate Barack Obama as well as the rest of America by beating his wife, Cindy. Early last night, the presidential hopeful snapped and proceeded to grab the nearest blowtorch and smash it into his wife’s temple. The two had been con-
stantly quarreling ever since March over the steady drop in McCain’s ratings Cindy has been cited voicing her concerns to her husband and was reported on expressing her intent to leave McCain should he lose presidency saying, “I didn’t marry this old fucking pig for him to be unsuccessful.” McCain’s personal physician had testified a few months ago that he had signed prescriptions of Xanax and
medical marijuana to help with the candidate’s “chronic headaches...brought on by excessive nagging.” Although Fox News might say otherwise, John McCain is currently being held at the Folsom State Penitentiary on $150,000 dollar bail. There is still no news on why the McCain Campaign has not bailed him out yet. The McCain camp has offered no comment on the recent events.
Obama’s Infomercial Fails to Candidate Wins Election! Grab Extra Voters Citizens Rejoice/Vomit With Glee/Horror Multipurpose Blender by Whirlpool sells out. BY REVEREND HOLYFUCK STAFF WRITER
Washington, D.C.- Last Wednesday night Barack Obama broadcast a thirty-minute infomercial on three major networks as his last major pull to grab the remaining undecided voters. “Eh, wasn’t really impressed,” said Ron Paul tea-bagger, John Mayer “I was hoping for more selling points, like, get some callers in on that shit and maybe knock down the price a couple of payments and then come talk to me.” Mayer offered some suggestions for Obama: first five hundred voters get a free rim job from Hilary Clinton and the first ten thousand people to prank call McCain as Death get the pass code to the payper-view movie of Sarah Palin’s
(Canada/a Shanty Town)! I’m so glad the war in Iraq will (continue forever/end).” moneyshot where she gets jizzed On the other hand, (Obama/ on by five truckers while she’s star- The Medium staff kindly asks you McCain) gave a statement, saying, to fill in the blanks correctly ing into the camera with her glasses “(My friends/America) you’re all tilted down her nose. or circle the correct option fucked.” The Obama campaign made Rutgers University’s monthno comment about the suggested Washington, D.C.- Late last night, ly (magazine/piece of shit), The giveaways but did announce that in it was revealed that (Sen. Barack Centurion, will devote its next isorder to appeal more to the young Obama/Sen. John McCain) has won sue to (praising/mourning) over the voters as well as to all the average the presidency with _______ elec- newly elected President Elect (McJoe’s out there, the Obama adminis- toral votes. Cain/Obama). tration will produce their very own After (Obama/McCain) won Members of the KKK are porn collection. Ohio, the election was pretty much (celebrating/plotting an assassinaThe Big O Entertainment assured. (However/Because of this tion). Company will be releasing the fol- victory), (McCain/Obama) proved Meanwhile, (Hillary Clinlowing titles: VPILF’s, Nailin’ Palin, to be the better candidate. ton/Sarah Palin) is already getting Weapons of Ass Destruction, Barack Meanwhile, Virginia, a red ready to run for president in 2012. Hard, Ridin’ Biden, Bernanke Gets state which has recently been lean- (Sarah Palin/Hillary Clinton) just a Spanky, Got Bush?, Gore with a ing towards the left, gave its elec- threw up on their copy of The MeWhore, Obama and Your Mama, toral votes to (McCain/Obama). dium upon reading this. (Oprah/ Waterbroading Hilary’s Clit-a-ton, One McCain/Obama) sup- Elizabeth Hasselbeck) is schedand Mission Accomplished on Your porter declared, “This is great! I uled to hold the Bible swearing in Face. am so glad I don’t have to move to (Obama/McCain). BY TRINIDAD TOBAGGO STAFF WRITER
Your #1 Source of Election Period. News. ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM In her infamous interview with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin mentioned she reads, “All of the newspapers and magazines.” Wait, The Medium is a newspaper. Sarah Palin reads every newspaper. Sarah Palin reads The Medium.
QED Thanks for endorsing The Medium, Caribou Barbie!
ELECTION BACK COVER
Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
“MACGRUBER! Unprotected sex with hookers is a nightly occurrence! MACGRUBER!”
Hipsters Ironically Absent From Election New Mac OS Update and Pea Coat Sale at Salvation Army to Blame for Low Turnout BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New York City, NY- After a year of constantly nagging people to vote for Barack Obama, hipsters had the greatest opportunity to cast their votes for the Democratic candidate in yesterday’s election. But, keeping in the true nature of the hipster, a total of one person who voted described himself as “Practicing Hipsters” in one of the biggest displays of irony to date. “I just feel like the election is not something we should have to do in order
to select a president,” said Mike Duvailios, a top-level Barack Campaign Manager/ Starbucks Barista who resides in the gentrified Harlem neighborhood of New York City. “Really, the office of President should be open to anyone with good ideas for the country and then after their idea becomes a law, they let another person be President! Wouldn’t that be a great display of how chill we all are as Americans, just being real for once instead of fakery artists.” All year long, hipsters were congregating in Starbucks’ across the country, blogging about
Obama ’08 with their Mac Book Pros and judging all those who said they were not voting for him. One such blog entry was titled “Why the Conservative Pig Oppressors are Silencing the Truth” and “This is the Most Important Election in Your Life, Don’t Fire truck it up!” According to polling data, there were 13,000,000 registered Practicing Hipsters all residing in the cities of New York, NY and Seattle, WA who did not even get out of their beds until well after polling places had closed. The hipster who de-
cided to vote, Greg Leifer, realized that after reading a Daily Kos post advocating smarmy, hip liberals to not vote, that by not conforming, he would make the most ironic statement of the century. “The only true way to non-conform is to not conform to the non-conformists and their messages of conformity,” said Leifer. After discovering that they were out ironic-ed, hipsters across the country withdrew an extra amount of money from their trust fund and bought torn clothes from American Apparel to prove they are poor.
Joe the Plumber Comes Out Against Bowser Obama’s Coin Redistribution Plan er’s credentials. “I really haven’t seen him do actual plumbing work. All he does is save some Princess, who Mushroom Kingdom, OH- gets captures roughly once The symbolic everyman a week. I also see him doused in McCain’s campaign ing a lot of activities like tennis, soccer, golf, drag has been Joe the Plumber. Now Joe lives in the racing, partying. Probably a rural Mushroom Kingdom, cokehead. I think he was a Ohio and his fifteen minutes doctor at one time too,” said of fame started when he the Ape-Man Donkey Konquestioned Bowser Obama gowski. Joe’s drug usage has on his small business tax also come into question. “I policy. “I work hard to col- take mushrooms to grow lect about 100-150 gold larger...and I eat flowers to coins per day to reach the gain fire-powers.” He told top of the flagpole and that us. Goombas have conKoopa wants to take it away firmed with us that Joe is from me.” The Toadstools in just high and hallucinating the media have been re- all the “fucking” time. Joe added his final porting on Joe the PlumbBY SHY-GUY STAFF WRITER
CONTENTS
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
Election! ELECTION! Features Opinions Arts Personals Tammy Baldwin Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16
Cover by: FarmerEd
McCain Wins Obama Wins Barr Voted! For Ron Paul Did you vote? Really? Hey kid! Memememem
words, “Look, I’m like every middle class American who rides a green lizard and travels through pipes to get to work with his effeminately gay brother Luigi. I feed and walk my Chain-Chomp everyday and I donate to my local Bob-ombs. I’m just an average guy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I got to brawl with some black guy named Game and Watch, some type of fox and some queer looking pink puff ball.” WEATHER OR NOT
It’s either the shittiest day ever, or the most ballstacular day ever
Today Tonight
The Shadow has his greatest adventure yet! “Drums of Doom”
Thursday Chevron Six Encoded! Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor What’s Shakin’ Editors Personals Editors
Friday Chevron Seven Locked! Paul Winters Colin Fong Jake Lewandowski John Bender Tim Swanson MS Paint Santiago Melli-Huber Abe Stanway Dave Imbriaco Kaitie Davis
Business Manager Staff Photograper Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor Faculty Advisor
Gary Klimowicz Helen Ortiz Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Doodles on Paper! Ryan Barton Barbara Reed
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to the brave men and women of the 12324st Air Command Wing Fighter Viper Squad Alpha Delta Strike Force Laser and their victory over the damn visigoths of Norfolk Island, Southwest Pacific Ocean.
Wednesday, Day After Election Day 2008 more submissions than you - ledft Personals editor) and for your election pleasure, We at the Medium happen we asked those guys on to have a Medium among the green slips of paper we our ranks. You know, the kind that acts as Mediums between ghosts and people, not like the fools that act as Mediums between dumbasses and you guys, like the personals editors (who happens to recieve 30 times Message from Beyond
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES NATAS PIHSROW hand to strippers and that guy at the end of the street about what they think of the worthiness of B.O and J.M to appear on your lifesake...
I told you not to get tangled in foreign affairs,now you we have this dusty old fart talking about fighting 100 year wars on other continents.
And then there was that thing I said about political parties and how they would divide the nation and you are not litsening to me are you now?
This guy is a Republican?! I am literally rolling in my grave at what the party I used to free the slaves and oppress the South.
And who does he have to thank for his career. Say it, you know who it is, oh yes you do. That’s right it’s me, I freed the slaves. What did you do lately, that’s right I thought so...
What the hell do you want, Christ sakes I wasn’t even a president. Why are you jackholes holding a seance to bring me out of my eternal rest. It’s called eternal for a reason. I don’t need to justify why I lost that duel to Burr, I have my reasons so just leave me alone...
Sits in corner pouting for the rest of the contact with the spirit realm...
Do you want to duel? I SAID DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING DUEL!!!
YOU THINK I’M AFRAID OF BULLETS? I DIED WITH TWO IN ME, SO DRAW YOUR PISTOL AND TAKE TEN PACES MOTHA-FUCKER!!!
He was 894 of 899 in the naval academy. He gets shot down and captured. I was 21 of 39 at West Point, and I become a Major General and general-in-chief in a major war, who does he think he is, a Maverick? Fuck you Navy go Rutgers!
If it wasn’t for my hard fighting then and commanding, where would he be now. Huh, what was that, oh, just kidding Sorry Abe.
You all suck, all of you. You idiots running for presidents, you jackholes who called this seance, and especcially you morons reading this paper. Tell me, what would you do if you had no electricity to live with. GO P.A!!!
You know something, I wasn’t even a president, yet I still have my face on U.S currency, and on the $100 no less. I’m just that good, I mean, who else, other than Devin Townsend, can grow their hair out while balding and still look sexy.
Wisdom of the Logo
6.) What in the name of Sweet Aunt Jemima’s Fruit Loops is wrong with youguys at The Medium?!
This is actually an extremely touchy subject among the staff writers, section editors, and executive board. I can say however that there is a common theme in that each of them experienced a traumtic experience at one point or another that that involved kumquats, Bob Dole, a brief stay in a Chinese prison while being forced to read America-denouncing epitapths in a foreign lanuage, mispeled things and has make grammatical error, flamable mustard and combustible pants, a need to fill up the rest of this page with
random shit, filling up the page with random shit, tampered with articles, decayed the human soul, and other assorted regrettable decisions. These experiences have made them feel different and funny, and thus they wish to spread the madness invite others into the fold by avertising on every fucking page to come to their weekly meetings and to submit content. Editor’s Note: Like the monkey that wrote this article, the editor that is writing this note is staring off into nowhere trying to t hink of something to put onto this page that is not of extremely explicit
HAVE FREE TOO MUCH FREE TIME
Do you knit? Do you collect stamps, bottlecaps, and other useless crap? Masturbate a little much? Always on facebook? Made a bunch of scrapbooks starring those who’s will to live was less than their will to sacrifice those precious body parts? Then we are the people for you. We the funny and different Medium crew would like to spread the maddnes extend an invite to you readers to join us... Time: Every Wednesday at 9:00 P.M Place: Room 439 of the College Avenue Student Center, College Avenue Campus Or send a submission to FEATURES@THEMEDIUM.NET
THE MEDIUM Reefer Rage By Rye Wheat To the RUPD and their ass-pirate public safety minions, stop trying to raid me and my friends when we’re smoking. It’s getting absolutely RIDICULOUS. Quit wasting time looking for “dirty dopers” and try to solve some real crime. And quit finding my fucking smoking spots, they were solid until other retarded drifters went there and made it known. I’m not going to stop smoking because of your oh-so-very powerful influence in the area and I won’t stop if I get caught. The last time I ran because of you dumb asses trying to surround us I got bit by a spider on a fence in the midst of the dramatic escape when I was drunk and high. It fucking kills now because I had to tend to it, DRUNK
AND HIGH, and I blame it on you fucking down-syndrome helpless cum gargling homofaggots!!! And public safety, what do you even do?! You are the equivalent of an illegitimate love child between a park ranger and a mall cop except your responsibilities are even more fucking retarded. How are you making the public “safer” by calling the cops when I’m smoking weed? I’m not harming anyone but myself and I’ll deal with that on my own you stupid fucking FUCKS. Quit wishing you were cops and cops quit being fucking pussies and do your job, grow a pair and deal with the real problems like RAPE MURDER AND ROBBERY. For christs SAKE.
OPINIONS “Don’t forget to vo... wait, shit.”
Opinions Point/Counterpoint: @ The Charles in Charge Point: What the hell Counterpoint: What do you mean you’ve m e d i u m . is this show? never heard of it? By Johnny Challenger By Torgo Van Pelt net: That What is this freaking C’mon, please tell “Charles in Charge” that me that you are joking when is our e- has been sneaking up into you have no idea what peothe spotlight recently? Two ple are talking about when ago, nothing! Now ev- you hear people mentioning mail ad- days erywhere I look I see hipster this? I mean, seriously, come walking around on. I’ve always seen this dress for scumbags with Scott Baio Che Gue- show on at 4:30 AM on the shirts and their “I local channels for as long as thoughts vara-style babysat for the Pembroke I can remember. Sometimes, family” tote bags loaded when I’m stuck staying up all of this Michael J. all night cramming, I flip on about RU with Fox hookah memorabilia. the channel, and there it is. yeah, apparently Mi- The theme is the epitome of and death Oh chael J. Fox was offered the everything 80s, that it must part on the show but be impossible to get it out threats. Baio he declined. Why would of your head. Besides, it Fox pass up such an oppor- stars Scott freakin Baio! We Because Baio was should all have an idea of Send ‘em tunity? probably living out of his all the shows he has been in, 1976 AMC Pacer’s because if you don’t, than Both Plz mom’s trunk with nothing but a what are you, some pop cul-
McCain: Seriously? By Ronald BuckleyFriedman Well, fuck. As I write this, the Republican party is on the verge of the biggest losses in a generation. We are about to begin 8 years of horrible Socialist Fascism under one Iraq Hussein Osama bin Biden. My family’s wallets will be empty as horrible commie plots such as universal single payer healthcare and light rail will be given to hippies, projects which will be paid with the government stealing money from my family. And soon, more money will be given to study evolution.
like any other good Republican? It works! We win elections with this strategy! He also actually is such a crazy fuck, he actually decided to serve in the military instead of having his parents buy his way out. And predictably, he made an ass of himself by allowing himself to get captured. And on top of that, he tries to run as a Maverick. Way to be fucking loyal to the party, douchebag. Why not just join the Communist Party while you are at it? Republicans win elections by being Republicans. Good god, Reagan must be spinning in his grave right now. Thank god I decided to vote for him in November, but not without putting a huge frown on my face when casting my ballot in the booth. Fortunately, help is on the way. Sarah Palin was arguably the best part of the ticket. She saved the party from a complete disaster. 2012 can’t come soon enough. But one must wonder, by the time that date arrives, will the hippies You can see the obvious flinching of his sup- have completed their secret port of the republicans in this image. Way to agenda? fake your support, asshole. It is clear whose fault this is. It is the fault of a man by the name of John Sidney McCain III. Sure McCain may say that he stands behind our great President, and how he is proud to vote with him 95% of the time, but I am horrified by some of the things in the past and in the present. Like for instance, in the year 2000. He actually dared to question the supremacy of George W. Bush in the primaries. And he still has the Straight Talk Express, a tour bus, where he claims that he talks the truth. Why the hell are you not sugar coating the issues
Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
pair of fake earrings to his name and Fox felt bad for the guy. I mean, Fox wasn’t raking in the dough at this point of his life anyway, but he could tell that he was on the rise to stardom within the next year. So you might ask yourself, “Hey, how does he know that much about Charles in Charge and Michael J. Fox when he was complaining that he doesn’t know the show at all/why is this sex GOD writing an opinion for The Medium, Point-ing some hipster?” The answer to that question can be summed up in one word, “SextacularbetterthanhipsterscumbagBaionubbinlovinsexman”.
ture loser? Seriously Bro, Scott Baio. And it’s one thing for the average schmoe to not know anything about this show, but it’s another thing for a Rutgers student to not know anything. The show was set in freakin New Brunswick! Everyone here should know that. Yes, I have not watched one whole episode of the show. But I have paid enough attention to know the general gist. And this gist really makes want to have Charles in charge of me. See what I did? I referred to a line in the theme song. Isn’t that funny? Isn’t it?
If Wikipedia is to be trusted, this image is supposedly of something somewhere on George Street. If you have any idea where this image exactly took place, take your picture there and send it to us. Reward: A pat on the head.
THE MEDIUM
ARTS
Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
“Bure Bure Bure Bure”
Do You People Actually Read These? I Do Hope I’m Not Wasting My Time. People. People, people. Come on. Come the fuck on now. You were doing SO WELL last week! This week what do I get? A photoshop? That’s all you could muster? Why would you do this to me? What did I ever do to you? What did I ever do for you? Well... nothing, I suppose, except bring you the best DAMN paper in existence! That’s worth something, in my illustrious opinion. Anyway, we put the paper together on Sunday and Monday, but the election is on Tuesday and the paper comes out on Wednesday, so you can see our dilemma. Our News editor valiantly decided NOT to run my favored“Truman Beats Dewey” headline, in lieu of something you fucking idiots would understand. That makes me mad.per I hate the common man so freakin’ much. You can’t imagine. Anyway, because of our unique position in relation to the election, we are forced to not bother making predictions, and just do... something else. I dunno what the other guys did, but I put together this “political cartoon” which I feel is pretty bad ass. Yes, I don’t draw well, thank you for reminding me. It’s not my fault that God saw fit to curse me with these disgusting paws that are not fit to hold a pen, neverless the stylus that
I use for all my drawing needs. But, I do what I do. Mostly because everyone else here at the Medium sucks total balls at drawing. Even worse than me. I know, right! I’m sorta struggling to figure out how to fill space here, so I guess I’ll talk about the election because, hey, I’m the Managing Editor and I can put whatever I want wherever I want. Deal with it. Anyway, the way I see it, it boils down to one central issue: Do you want an evil, Orwellian entity running the White House? I do not, which is why I’m voting independent. Just kidding, I don’t like to waste things. DOUBLE-ZINGER! But seriously, you better have voted Obama, and Obama better be president right now, or so help me, I’ll finish my education and maybe move to a different country depending on how McCain runs the place! Please send your stuff to arts@themedium.net. Please. Final note: I really, really hope that the cartoon on the bottom is the last Palin joke I’ll ever EVER have to make. Cal-En Managing Editor
Alert! Incoming Review of Red Alert 3! Man, every one of my titles are just so clever, don’t you agree? I mean, come on, alert being used twice? So kooky! Anyways. The illustrius Command and Conquer series has run for a long, long time. It has spawned, like, three seperate storylines and is generally wacky and ker-azy. Red Alert’s is the one where Albert Einstein goes back in time and prevents World War II by killing Hitler, but inadvertantly puts the USSR in the dominant position in Europe. This locks the world in a hot Cold War with awesome shit like Tesla coils and war blimps. The deal with the series is that it’s over-the-top and filled with cliches of both America and the Soviet Union, and the third installment does not dissapoint in this regard. First new thing is the inclusion of a third faction: the “Empire of the Rising Sun” which is just a super-powerful Japan that has stuff like giant robots, psycic schoolgirls, and ninjas. Also, the Russians
get armored bears now. ARMORED BEARS. Jesus Christ. The general hokeyness of the FMVs is back, even after netting star power like Tim Curry and George Tekei. This is a good thing, however. I never played the other C&C games, but I still could easily follow the story of the campaign mode of this game, which features co-op, interestingly enough. My RTS of choice was pretty much Starcraft, and a bit of Dawn of War, so don’t think I’m a neophyte to the genre. Uh... lost my train of thought here. Oh yeah, the dumb AI of my units is fairly annoying. Them just standing there as something is killing them, not trying to run away or anything, happens far too often. Also, having to set “agressive stance” for every unit so that they’ll attack buildings instead of standing around waiting for them to build stuff sucks. All in all, an excellent entry into the RTS genre by a veteran studio. I recommend you pirate this game immediately. Maybe even buy it too!
DOH-HO
Why did YOU go to the polls on Tuesday?
THE MEDIUM Greetings, minions. This week’s personals go exclusively shout-outs as we salute our fellow revelers who last weekend continued the Rutgers tradition of making complete asses out of themselves (and based on the amount of coverage going on down under, most of you literally were an ass) To the guy dressed up as a carrot: you are an excellent source of beta carotine and vitamin C, assisting in night vision. I wanted to devour you to assist in my own night vision To everyone on the EE: It was an extreme mistake to sit in the back as I have been squeezed back here with very little air to breathe for the past 90 minutes. The bus has passed by my stop three times and I am not able to get off. I am slowly losing my mind. I can no longer stand the teeth knashing voices of fratmattresses. There are asses and boobies and gentalia everywhere and if you people do not get off the fuckin bus soon I am going to call in a SWAT team To the pussycat on the A bus: yes, because your friend is too dazed to answer you, you are indeed talking very, very, loudly. In fact my ears can no longer take it and I am about to hit you over the head repeatedly with my accessory shoulderparrot. ARRRGH...matey To the girl in flip-flops whose foot I poked a hole through with my hookerwitch stiletto boots: serves you right for not sexifying your feet you anticonformist prude To the guy in the pink bathrobe: You are looking waaay too comfortable in that robe, as if this garment is nothing foreign to you. I bet you’ve been waiting for this day all year To sexynurse: the realization that I was riding the ass of someone with no underpants on whatsoever suddenly wiped out any notion of your sexiness To whoever it was who’s face I saw get smashed against the bus window: I’d feel bad but I’ll assume that your inebriation dulled your senses so I’ll just lol. Lolzy lolzy lolzy
PERSONALS
“AGGH! It’s happening again! My brain! My hot...STINGING...brain!” To skanky zombie: that was To the girl dressed as a a really interesting effect cheetah: I love how you did you had going there, with the your research and found continuous stream of blood that cheetahs forcefully bite flowing down your legs their mates on the neck. I did To the rosy cheeked girl not, however, love it when on the knight mover: I am you marked your territory. not referring to your face To the werewolf waving around his boxer shorts to display to everyone that they are not on: you are sprinkling your urine and fart vapors everywhere, in case you did not notice by the mystical four-foot space cushion you are forming around yourself
To the delusional drunk chicken. That female cop you are hitting on is not a fake. And neither are her boobs you are squeezing. To the fine young guidos whose party I attended: you don’t get why no one will stay at your party for longer than 30 minutes? Could it be because whatever the fuck you be blastin on yo speakerboxxx sounds like Barry Manilo in a department store making a sad attempt at Krunk? To the man dressed as Sarah Palin: You look more like Sarah Palin than Sarah Palin
To those two drunk british guys on the EE bus on halloween. You guys said some of the funniest shit To the guy dressed up as a convict who mugged me and left me cold and naked: you were not play- To the people lined up outing dress-up were you? side the Cap and Skull House because they don’t know To Sexy firefighter: where all the other parTHANK YOU for the ties are: There are so many front-side zipper for easy people in that house you are access. You prove that bound to get your money Rutgers girls really are bril- stolen without knowing it. liant... just not in subjects Then you will get impregthat are taught in school. nated without knowing it. It To the chunky chick show- is, after all, a secret society. ing off her midriff: put that thing away!! 95% of the To the fake guido: isn’t people out here are on the that a bit redundant? verge of upchucking as it is! To the dude in the box. It is To the “cheerleader” at the house party on Easton: that bowl from which you drew a “candy” and stuck in your mouth was not a candy dish. You just ate a decoration. Don’t worry, at the rate your downing those shots you’ll be expelling the foreign object in no time! To the girl in the Dalmatian costume: I see you are a bitch (and we have a WINNER for lameass personal of the week. You win and everyone who has to read this loses) To the “hooker” who I was going to hit on until you lifted you wig and I realized you were a man... aw what the fuck, it’s Halloween To the “naked” cowboy wearing nothing but underpants: you are just asking for the most extreme nuclear wedgie of your life. To the guy dressed up as a Roman soldier. You are a poser. I’M Spartacus!!!
so plainly obvious that you bought that box at a costume store. What the fuck is wrong with you?! You live in a freakin city where people LIVE in boxes. Please give me your money because you clearly don’t know what do with it. To the clown. I hate clowns, and so does everyone else. Someone needs to beat you up and force you to spend the rest of the evening with that group of big mouth sorority girls who want to be sure the whole world knows that they are tipsy. We’ll see whose so jolly and clownful then... To the bimbo in the pink football jersey: PEESE SHUT MOUF WOOMUN!! It is not “peanut butter jelly time” despite you’re saying it nonstop for the past ten minutes you’ve been at the bus stop. Or maybe it is if you are heading off to an orgy
Judgement Day, 2008
No need to worry now, this rubber duck is not staring at you as you are taking a bath. duckduckduckhasselhoffduckduckgoose To the gothic girl at the rave: I was not sure if you were dancing or having epileptic seizures from the strobe lights, so I just popped a pill and danced on To the Frankenstein and the sugarplum fairy making out on the middle of Easton: your children are going to look like Michael Jackson, let’s think this through now... To the “farmer” stumbling down Somerset with a bottle of Beast: you sure love the local police force don’t you? So nice of you to make their job easier. Just so you know there’s a cop hanging out at the end of this street. If you want to expedite things even further, be sure to strip, tell him how you love Barak Obama, and give him a friendly punch in the face. To the hippie on the EE: while most girls are dressing up as guidettes it is glaringly obvious that you are a guidette in disguise! Your obnoxious accent and bouncing boobies one centimeter from popping out of their holding area gives away your true identity. To the giant banana: Because of your ridiculous banananess, I got distracted and was nearly run over by a speeding base-pulsating celica, making everyone around me gasp with fear. Please take your sexual innuendo and fuck yourself with it. To the dozens upon dozens of slutty bumblebees: were you all reproducing that quickly? To the guy in normal clothes: your fly is open and your dick is not not in a box
To the guy driving the EE bus: just how many drugs did you have to take prior to starting your shift? I notice you are twitching quite a bit. To the dude running down College Ave. with the chick on his back as if she were playing polo: she’s going to need a nice-sized stick to whack those balls, something I don’t think you have. To the Disney Princess who ran after her ride down the street and then smashed into it when it suddenly stopped: I believe your stagecoach is in need of a new driver To the stupid broad shouting out her party tip-off on her cell phone loud enough to confirm that you are amongst the elite 99% of students who are capable of figuring out where the parties are at: there is no such thing as DeLane St. so stop trying to googleearth it on your cell phone. Doing so is too taxing on your tiny brain and it might pop. To the superwoman: that glowbracelet you are chewing on like a jersey cow is not edible. Guess after a few parties you really don’t care WHAT the fuck gets into your system. To the girl who vomited on me: I take the time to do my good deed for the day and ride your ass since no one else would and this is what I get in return?! I am going to be a superficial man for the rest of my life—it is much safer this way. c a a a a n d y (Bitch on, bitches personals@themedium.net)
Wednesday, THE DAY AFTER ELECTION DAY!, 2008
PERSONALS
“Kaitie, you’re a bitch. Love, me.” To our Loyal Readers, To the blonde sexy 26 yr old guy in my Chem There was a bit of a mix-up last week and the right page of class last year, I failed my Personals was incorrect. It was pretty gay because Kaitie chem final because I was and I have a really cool thing going for the pages, but oh to busy staring at you, spwell. Shit happens. If you want to see last week’s COR- cifically your crotch. We RECT page, it is available on our website at should have fucked that http://www.themedium.net. Hell, look at it this way: its day in Decemeber, but now an extra page of Personals FREE! that you are married and Cheers, miserable with that bleachDave blonde, diesel armed, To whichever one of my To that schmuck that cock- flat chested troll I kinda roommates in Winkler suite blocked me at the speed don’t want you know5202 who keeps dumping reading class. You suck, ing that your cock was in Cup-of-Noodles down necessarily. Addition- her old and dried up pussy the sink: fuck you. ally, it doesn’t mat- (that what you get for beTo whichever one of my ter how much Kung-Fu ing with an older woman!). roommates in Winkler suite you do, because your When you divorce her and 5204 who keeps raising the hair will not be growing and disinfect your cock thermostat to 90 de- back. And you totally wait- give me a call - I’m a full grees: fuck you. ed outside to interrupt us D cup and my pussy is (My ex-roommate did the again.. greaseball. nice and tight. same shit, until we killed her.) To my roommate, why To the people who fucked To my suitemates in Win- the fuck do you wear in the first floor lounge of kler 5208: whoever smokes girl socks, You’re a my dorm. Thank you for not blacks at 4:30 in the morning dude wearing fucking locking the door so I got a inside the dorms, fuck you. pattern and striped socks nice suprise when I walked (Sounds like Winkler people over one of your 20 pairs in there at 230am looking for are douches, but I would of $200 shoes that I can’t my roommate. I can no lonprobably be too if I lived in afford because unlike you, ger sit on that couch for fear a dorm named “Winkler.”) I’m a broke college student that I may become pregnant. To whoever decided that who gets money once in a blue (Well, if they did lock the o o n . door and you sat on tat freshmen should take Expos: m I hate you so much, it-it- the f (Sounds like your room- couch unknowingly and got - it -flam - flames. Flames, mate is a buck futter. Better knocked up like the dumb on the side of my face, wear your anal bum cover.) bitch you are, wouldn’t you breathing-breathl- heaving To the person that my floor have wanted to get a nice breaths. Heaving breath... refers to as ‘CK’. you are show from your friends in(Come on man, most of so fucking creepy. Please stead of a baby? At least us suffered through Ex- stop standing over my shoul- they might have let you pos. Suck it up, pussy.) der while I am on the com- masturbate to them fuckTo my roommate, before puter and breathing in my ear ing, you never know.) you go to sleep, please turn like that creepy kid did to To that girl who left her off your fucking computer Helga on Hey Arnold. One panties hanging on the paybecause I can’t get any sleep day I will go Helga Pataki on phone, man your ass smells. without your bright ass screen you and punch you There’s something called in the face. soap and dirty bitches like and mouse shining on me square and you sleeping the night To the girl who threw up you need some. I don’t know away. Do this or else, I will all over the EE bus on what the fuck you ate but fucking break your computer Halloween around 11:30; your soiled panties are are one classy stinking up the floor. I can’t and I won’t pay for it. you (Oooooh, how threatening!) broad! Nothing is more even walk around without than getting smelling shit. and to think To the ginger kid who lives lady-like across the hall who con- completely trashed and I thought girls didn’t poo. stantly spins things (books, then throwing up on a bus (You fucking moron, that’s pillows, laptops ...). We all packed full of people! what you get for sniffing your liver random underwear on the know you can spin things Hopefully kthanks. DO YOU WANT A makes it to graduation... street. P.S. from Kaitie: As FUCKING COOKIE?! And Dear Boyfriend, the past 14 a matter of fact girls do shit to his roommate who stays months with you have been just like I want to shit all over up till 3am to write shit on my pretty wild. I love that thing your face. P.P.S. Dave will whiteboard at 3am. Maybe you do with your hips when join on the face shitting too.) you should get some sleep so we fuck, and your cum face To the kid that looks like you don’t walk like you took is the hottest thing I’ve ever Nick J I dont want to have it up the butt for 3 seen. So, I say in celebration, sex with you and your hours the night before. we fuck on the sidewalk smelly baby dick so please (What makes you think outside Alexander Library stop trying and just leave he wasn’t taking it up one evening. You in? me the fuck alone and go get the butt for 3 hours?) (To your boyfriend: Can another hand job you pussy To Kaitie: you are a total stu- I try her out for a night?) (Send your shit to pid whore. I don’t know how Indian people say white personals@themedium. you fit 10000000000 dicks people smell like beef. They net and have it printed in your ass, but it’s pretty still smell like shit if you and possibly degradimpressive. Cya next week. ask me. Curry is mad gross. ed with everyone else!)
There’s this girl back home who I really want to fuck so badly. I’ve seen her for a while and since I’m here at Rutgers, I’ve had intentions of fucking her, especially for her upcoming birthday. I don’t care if her brother will kill me for fucking his sister but honestly, she has a nice ass and some nice tits that I can’t resist. When I do see her, I’m gonna get her in the room and stick my cock in her tight pussy and ass. Probably, that’ll be her birthday gift. (And she’ll scream “RAAAAAAAAAPE!”) To the ginger kid playing solitare through our entire Soc of Med and Health Care class. Congrats on losing 19 games in a row, dumbass. (And yes everyone behind you was watching you). (Hahahaha, fail.) To the red headed fire crotch, I know you like the Lesbian Katzenbach Girl. Don’t think I don’t realize she’s the one your texting during class. P.S. Your friend is a better kisser. (Cat fight!) To the Pimple Creature in my Comm 101 on Mondays & Thursdays; Stop eating you skin flakes and/or pus and scratching your face until it bleeds. You are so repulsive that I don’t even think you can be classified as human. Also, if you are that hungry, maybe you should invest in a bag of chips. To the kid who looks like Nick Jonas, you are just jealous because the girl with pink hair wont fuck you love, the boyfriends roommate who had sex in your bed (1-2 line personals would be great for this!)
LE MÉDIUM Dear Man/Boy who lived on Cook for at least the past two years but now lives on or near Handy Street: I have been in love with you since the moment i saw you fall 2006 on a RexB the day before classes started. I was a freshman and you assisted my roommate and me navigate the busch campus bus stops. Thank you! Since then, I have seen you everywhere on Cook/Douglass. I have been referring to you as “cook boy” since that fateful day i we spoke. Anyway, you are gorgeous and I would do unspeakable things to get with you. Please... I need to know your name. For my sanity. P L E A S E. (From the girl personals editor on the other side of the page: normally I don’t associate myself with this side of the page but this personal is so insanely bad I had to comment. Dear Man/boy who sent this in: Holygoatcheese upmypussy! your story makes me gnash my teeth. Please submit your stuff to the Rutgers Review ) (From Dave: Get back on your side, bitch!) My labor costs are cheaper than yours, Dave. Like the Chinese, everyone wants me and I’m invading (Get off my side or I will fuck you through your eye sockets and impale your tits with my cock. Anyways, back to real personals...) To the girl with pink hair who frequently stays in my dorm. Besides the fact that you are a crack smoking hobofucker, u are known to everyone in gibbons as “the whore”. I hope u enjoyed fucking both ur boyfriend and his roommate. u dirty whore. love nick j (See you next week!)
Medium Pol(land!) By
Satanic Yoda
Halloween is over, and I don’t know about you all, but I had a fucking blast (anyone see me dressed up as Jesus Thursday or Friday night???). That being said, every year there are some things that we see that we’d rather forget about. This week’s question: What was your most frightening sight on Halloween night? A. Fat girls cellulite popping out of their skin-tight stomach-flap-exposing clothes B. Hairy guys wearing the same shit as above C. All of the Sarah Palin look-alikes D. The Police Send responses to Personals@TheMedium.net
THE WHAT’S SHAKIN’? Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 MEDIUM On Campus On This Day In History “My Shaolin teacher is getting his head shaved by Burmese monks”
November 6th - The Rutgers SSDP presents You and your Drug Dealer: Are you Getting What’s Dank on the Banks? Lecture by Mike Grovel 8:00 pm at LSH B103
1605: Guy Fawkes tries to blow up the British Parliament. As a result, we now know how hot Natalie Portman is even when she’s bald. 1863 - Lincoln issues the Emancipatin Proclamation for an ounce of some firebud
November 11th - The Search for Urple: Government Mandated Rhyming Schemes; lecture and reception with Dr. Silver
1924 - The city of Joliet, Michigan insists doesn’t sound like the popular porcelain icon
November 12th - Chris Hansen presents: “Baiting Average People with Asian Schoolgirls: A Stalkumentary”
1973 - The country of Chad names itself after a bro to stimulate international relations
Off Campus
Today – President-elect to sue Viagra for a twelve hour long erection
1974 - Jerry Brown elected Führer of California
November 7th - Dennis and Amanda to resume relations after “taking a break for a little while”
1994- Congresswoman Lydie Hunt loses in an upset thanks in part to negative Republican slogan, “Lydie Hunt is a cunt”
November 10th - Snowboarder Shaun White to be indicted for alleged use of airoids, could be banned from next X-Games
2003 - Pearorrists bombard American embassies in Barcelona with suspiciously shaped fruit
YouTube Video of the Week British humour, you say? My word! Not since History of the World have I chuckled to such extent! Sexual innuendo, slapstick violence with cricket bats, and accents, it takes the piss outta me! Musn’t wank to this one! And uh.....fish and chips! I’ll brain you!
This comedy sketch, by the way, is from the late 80s-early 90s British sketch comedy A Bit of Fry and Laurie, starring a pre-Dr. House Hugh Laurie and his gay friend. Really funny shit, check it out if you ever have a chance.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vpbv8x1eqU
“Derek Nippl-e” Hey! Have you noticed that only about 1/3 of “What’s Shakin’?” contains actual events? Wanna do something about it? Submit your ideas, events, and worship to events@themedium.net