11/7/2000

The Entertainment Weekly of Political Corruption

Now that WuvLuvs II Light Blue Mommy has birthed a horrible monster, her Scarlet Knight will once again visit her. The circle is complete.

Tuesday, November 7th, 2000

Volume XXXII Number 9

“Every president is a lame duck.”

Print clearly in Ink – Use ball-point pen or

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State of New Jersey Country Commissioners of Registration

marker

Voter Registration Application

Qualifications of an Eligible Applicant You must be a white citizen of the United States and, by the date of the next election, at least 18 years old and a resident of New Jersey and your county for at least 30 days.

The Commissioner of Registration will notify you upon receipt of this form after the next election.

The Registration deadline to vote at the next election is 29 days prior to election day the employed and 58 days for the unemployed.

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Heterosexual

Address Change

Last Name

Middle Initial

First Name

Jr. Sr. I II

Street Address Where You Live City or Town

County

Zip Code

Street Address Where You Sleep (if different from above) Date of Birth - Month, Day, Score

Telephone Number (mandatory)

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Country For Office Use Only

Declaration – I swear or affirm that: • • • •

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Sign or Mark If applicant is unable to complete this form, print name and address of individual who completed this form.

New Registration

Name And Address Of Your Last Voter Registration

Check if you wish to be a board worker / poll clerk in future elections.

Check here if you are permanently disabled, retarded, racially inferior, or otherwise unable to go to the polls to vote, and wish to receive information on an Absentee Ballot.

Check one:

• •

I am a natural born U.S. citizen I live at the above address I will be at least 18 years old on or before the next election I am not on parole, probation or serving sentence due to a conviction for an indictable offense under any federal or state laws.

I am not a sex offender.

I understand that any false or fraudulent registration may subject me to a fine of up to $1000, imprisonment up to 5 years or both pursuant to R.S. 19:34-1.

Signature or Mark

♣

Date

Name Address

4/3/01, 1:28 AM

Clerk

Registration No. Swastika

Mike, tell your friends I don t tell you what to do ...

EDITORIALS EDITORIALS

Tuesday, November 7th, 2000

Cindy likes soccer ...

The Election: What They Didn’t Tell You

by Eric J Baker You may have noticed during the 2000 presidential election contest between Al Gore and George W Bush that Lucky Charms are really delicous. Well my friend, I must ask you: Where the hell have you been? It’s long been established that Lucky Charms is the bomb-diggity of breakfast cereals. Even though its inventor, Alec Baldwin, is no longer with us, his legacy lives on. Blue diamonds. Orange stars. Green clovers. Mmmm. The only other cereal that could even hold a candle to Lucky Charms was Pac Man, which is no longer in production. How I rue the day Pac Man cereal passed into history. I mean, a little healthy competition for the ol’ Charms can only help the consumer, right?

But getting back to the election, did you know that before you were born, no one in America had ceiling fans? A person had be a denizen of some seedy, sweltering bar in a place like Thailand or Brazil to find one.

They would swirl overhead like giant dragonflies, watching drug-addled prostitutes ply their trade with drunken sailors, while sweaty, stinking old Nazis, living in exile, soaked their troubles in whiskey, desperate to forget.

Then… poof! Everybody in America has a ceiling fan.

In every neat and tidy white-picket-fence suburban home from seato-shining-sea you will find at least one of those devils, spinning tirelessly, waiting with almost inhuman patience for just the perfect moment. And when that moment comes, they will all strike in unison, swiftly and harshly, reigning plague and famine down on mankind as has never been known before. With each passing day I fall deeper into despair as I ponder how we could have gotten ourselves into such an irreversibly hopeless situation. Know what I mean?

Eh, you’re too young to understand. I need some friends my own age.

VOTE FOR SOCCER!

Don’t Vote

(paid for by the Friends of Underage Breasts)

The vast majority of registered voters are, much like the majority of candidates, incredibly ill informed and absurdly biased individuals.

Worse still, most voters are so inebriated that their capacity for rational thought and meaningful political education is severely impaired. In fact, a large portion of the American citizenry is incapable of effectively differentiating between capable public officials, entrenched political puppets and unthinking flora.* The only comforting thought is that with each passing year, fewer and fewer Americans vote, and that we appear to be rapidly approaching a blessedly paternalistic autocracy. Since at this time more than half of this nation’s registered voters fail to visit the polls (with more expected to follow in coming years), intelligent, informed individuals like Jerry Fallwell, Susan Sarandon and myself have a greatly augmented political position.

An ad hoc oligarchy of special interests now govern the land with a galvanized fist; and we govern it well, judging by the extended period of prosperity that has blanketed this country with its digital wealth.

So for God’s sake, on Election Day, don’t vote. Though we have engineered the elections so that you’ll usually press our candidates’ button, there still exist a number of dissenters that might have momentarily captured your fickle favor. We’d rather not to have to do away with the semblance of democracy yet.

Eternally Yours, Christopher Taylor

submit

to desarnoc@eden

*Filmmaker Michael Moore is sponsoring Ficus, a houseplant, in twenty-one distinct congressional write-in campaigns throughout the country. Ficus is currently polling at somewhere between 1-2% in most official districts.

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Anarchists Pinkos Marxists Commies Liberals Socialists

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Monarchs Nazis Fascists CocaCola What’s Shakin’

Cover by: Chris “Dubya” Taylor

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MEDIUM

CONTENTS

THE

The Apathetic Activists Editor in Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor

Christopher Taylor Personals Editors Jay Postelnik Heather Thompson What’s Shakin’ Editor B.C. “Chris” DeSarno Staff Artist Mike “Champagne” Ryan Online Editor Garrett Glick Advertising Manager Amanda Hoffman Senior Editor

Mike Molino Jay Postelnik Michelle Salvaggio James Kohl Mike Molino Amy Groark Garrett Glick

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to naziphallus@hotmail.com. Our phone number is (732) 445-9977. ... Vodka and Perkiset cures boredom (this line was blank before you looked at it) ...

4/3/01, 1:28 AM

Cthulhu for President -- for when you're tired of choosing the lesser of the two evils

Tuesday, November 7th, 2000

OPINIONS OPINIONS

come to a medium meeting: Wed, 9:30pm, Liv Stu Center, Rm. 111

ROCK THE VOTE by chris desarno

I like my women like I like my coffee, spilled across my crotch causing my genitals to be burned. Many people don’t understand what I mean by this, just like many people don’t know what politicians mean when they talk about politics.

That is why I feel it is imporant that everyone do their part to ROCK THE VOTE!@# You can do this in any number of ways. For instance, I like to turn up my stereo real loud and play “GHOSTBUSTERS” by Ray Parker Jr. Then when it comes to the part that says “BUSTING MAKES ME FEEL GOOD!” I instead scream “VOTING MAKES ME FEEL GOOD!” Then I go watch Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II and then I write a short fan letter to Bill Murray. Some say the fact that i’m not registered to vote is socially irresponsible and that I’m missing the whole point of “rocking the vote” but all I know is “VOTING MAKES ME FEEL GOOD!”

i don’t know what’s more disturbing ... the fact that someone wrote Eminem lyrics on the bathroom wall in the college ave comp lab ... or the fact that I caught the reference

I’m Really Getting Sick of all These Fucking Zombies

by Martin Babitz Everytime I get home after 10, the City right near Douglass is always absolutely crawling with Zombies. I used to think that they were just crackheads or whatever. But lately, I’ve begun to realize that its not that they’re drugged (or even stupid for that matter) , its that the area is becoming more and more infested with an unholy legion of the undead.

First off, I noticed that no one’s drinking 40’s anymore, instead opting for the ever-popular fresh human brain, punctured with a straw like a Capri-sun.

I thought that was a little strange, but I’ve made something of a habit to be non-confrontational at all costs, so I figured I’d leave well enough alone. So ignoring the moans of “brains” peppering the lyrics of Nelly’s Country Grammar, I walked to my apartment. Nearing the apartment, I was actually approached, and engaged in pleasant conversation with another resident.

This is when I knew for sure that something was most definitely up. I’ve lived there for a few months now and haven’t said anything over a slight “hello” to anyone. So when this gentleman began talking to me about Dostoyevsky’s Brothers Karamazov, I had to ask, “Hey, you wouldn’t happen to be a zombie, would you?” His jaw then detached like a snake’s, and he attempted to swallow my head whole.

Luckily, just then the police arrived, and everyone scattered to the four corners of the earth. I tell you, zombies don’t like the police either. So don’t let anyone tell you that zombies are just for Halloween. They are undead, and they just may be planning to slaughter your family in a really really messy way. As an afterthought, interestingly enough, I did see a really cool dance routine out of my window. The leader of the zombies had seduced some “normal” and was dancing up a storm while Vincent Price narrated. It was cool, but let me tell you it really gets old fast, and I, as a rule are really getting sick of these fucking zombies.

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• Bacon (actor) • PT Cruisers • Art • Tiny Genitals • Buying votes with “good ideas” • not having make-up sex • Meat-Tarts • Bacon (food) • Scooters • Filthy Pornography • Tiny profos • Buying votes with cookies • make-up sex • Pop-Tarts

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What's Not What's Hot

“What’s Hot/What’s Not” list

POLITICIANS, GHOSTBUSTERS AND A BABY UNITE FOR A COMMON GOOD

submit to DESARNOC@EDEN ... or go back to Russia!

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4/3/01, 1:28 AM

We are watching you right now.

Tuesday, November 7th, 2000 NEWS Lawrence Shot on Livingston Word Discovered that Rhymes Campus with “Orange”

by Staff Infection, Chris “Before Christ” DeSarno The hip hop world was rocked last week when Jerome “Dr. GhostHead Killa” Nomlio, famous rapper of the popular rap group, Flow Clan, announced that he had discovered a word that rhymed with orange.

“SHIT!” said Nomlio, “I was just fuckin’ throwing shit up off the top of my head ... freestyling and shit and FUCK ... I started spittin’ about how I peel other MCs like an orange. Suddenly, I realized I backed myself into a corner — ‘cause what the fuck rhymes with orange?! But then the word just fell outta my mouth and my boys were all like, ‘FUCK!@# that was mad tight.’ and I was just like ‘yo, I masturbate in the shower.’

Hey, can you not print that last part?” said Nomlio.

“After many hours in the lab, performing test after test, I can in fact confirm that Mr. Docta’ Killa’s discovery is legitimate.” Says Dr. Weinstein, a highly respected rap scientician. “We’re all very excited. This is the most groundbreaking news in the rap world since Lil’ Kim had her stomach pumped after drinking too much semen! — Haha!

Just kidding, don’t print that.”

Scienticians are working round the clock to find a rhyme for “purple” in the wake of the recent breakthrough.

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by Troy Crowder, Medium staff 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 tcrowd4@hotmail.com 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Douglass College formally declared war on the City of New Brunswick this past Friday, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 citing recent attacks on Douglass students as “completely intolerable.” This follows 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 repeated attempts by the college to work out a diplomatic solution to the attacks, which 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 the city denied responsibility for but the college called “tantamount to war.”

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 “The recent attacks on our citizens cannot be interpreted as anything short of violations 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 of the sovereignty of Douglass College,” said Douglass Secretary of State Adrienne 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Rich. “All of our gestures of diplomacy were ignored, including our withdrawal of 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 ambassadors earlier in the week. We shall now fight for the safety and future of our 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 women.”

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1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 “We didn’t want to do this, but we’ll fight for our safety,” said Art major Barbara 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Hepworth (DC ’01). “It would be better if my boyfriend was here but I left him back 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 home, where he’s being totally faithful to me. But as long as I’m here I’ll fight for my 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 college. Bring those dirty brunnies on, I’ll take em all on myself!!!”

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Douglass College Declares War on New Brunswick: Attacks on College Students “Intolerable”

mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden Above: A gunmgryan@eden manned by amgryan@eden woman? mgryan@eden mgryan@eden Now that can’t be right. mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden Right: Obeymgryan@eden your Bush. mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden mgryan@eden

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By Thomas Allen 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 President Lawrence was shot at while on the Livingston campus on Saturday. Two 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 shots were fired at the Rock the Vote concert at which Lawrence was to make a speech.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 One bullet grazed his left shoulder and the other apparently missed. When asked to 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 comment, Lawrence said, “I’m not surprised, I should have 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 expected it from a campus with a high percentage of genetically inferior students—er—I 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 mean a campus with black students.”

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Lawrence had expected to present his plans for a racially segregated campus at the Rock 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 The Vote, but now is unsure. “At the time, it sounded like a great way to rally support 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 for segregation like we had at Tulane. I guess these Yanks just don’t go for that,” 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Lawrence said from the hospital.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 The shooter attempted to turn himself in. Bennie Jackson put his hands in the air and 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 said, “It was me, I shot the cracker,” but officers refused to place him under arrest.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Jackson said after the incident, “I hope Lawrence thinks twice about talking down to 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 minorities in the future.” Jackson was referring to a 1996 incident when Lawrence 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 claimed that blacks had a learning disability because of inferior genetics.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 “That’s behind me,” Lawrence said, “it’s the last time I try using scientific data to 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 support my racism.”

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Lawrence has rescheduled a speech he was to give next week on Douglass campus 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 entitled, ‘Women in the Workforce: A Great Way to Get Laid’.

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Bush Claims Victory in Sprite RocketCash Contest

By Martin Babitz, Associate News So-and-So

TALLAHASSEE, FL- In a decisive victory over Democratic Presidential Candidate Al Gore, George W. Bush announced Sunday his winning of $20 in the Sprite RocketCash contest, a bottle-cap game designed to distribute either cashequivalent prizes or 20-oz bottles of Sprite to lucky winners.

“This is a great day for America,” said the Texas Governor in a Press Conference at the Tallahassee Ramada Inn. “It is also a great day for me. I was really thirsty after a long campaign effort, and was tempted to try one of those other sodas since they have really cool celebrities and stuff, and I really wanted to have that kind of image. Then I was like, “fuck that, man. Image is Nothing, jigga!” The Governor then emphasized the importance of this statement with a hearty “word is bond.”

The Coca-Cola Corporation of America, Inc. of which Sprite is a wholly owned subsidiary, is overjoyed with the Governor’s victory, according to company spokesperson Barbara Woodsrow. “We are enthusiastically pleased with Governor Bush’s enjoyment of both our product and our contest, and are definitely looking forward to the future, where he will become both our product and our wholly owned subsidiary. We say to you America… Enjoy.”

The Gore Camp isn’t taking the Republican victory lying down, however. In a last ditch effort, key campaign members have been seen at local Price Clubs in the Pennsylvania area purchasing cases of the “Limon” beverage. “It’s just not fair,” the Vice President was heard shouting at running mate Sen. Joseph Lieberman upon hearing the news. “I want everyone on the campaign working to find me RocketCash! I want the world, Joe. I want the whole world… I want to lock it all up in my pocket, it’s my box of chocolate… give it to me now.” Sunday evening also found the VP holding his breath until he turned blue in an effort to motivate his supporters to find him the Sprite currency.

Meanwhile, in Florida, Bush isn’t worried. “That shit is all me, yo. And to my man Al… you too caught up in your image, b. So shut the fuck up and just Obey Your Thirst™, bitch.”

Horny men and women from all walks of life descend upon Room 111 of the Livingston Student Center every Wednesday at 9:30 for the Medium meeting, like a swarm of sexually active bees. Bee a queen and show up! Speaking of queens, News Editor Mike Ryan holds office hours every Wednesday from 6:10-7:30 in cubicle N of the SAC. You can bet he keeps his stinger out in plain sight, much to the chagrin of Heather Thompson, who holds office hours at the same time, in the same place.

4/3/01, 1:28 AM

Tuesday, November 7th, 2000

My sexual orientation is obvious... flamingly obvious.

Political Poetry Corner

Bears to Join RU Student Body

by Mike Ryan NEW BRUNSWICK- At a truly bizarre press conference, President Lawrence announced that Rutgers would begin accepting applications from bears. The move is intended to boost the university’s lagging national prestige, Lawrence said. “Honestly, we can’t take ourselves seriously if we claim to be a progressive university while excluding tens of thousands of New Jersey citizens from our intellectual community, citizens who work hard, pay taxes, and devour our homeless and mentally ill,” Lawrence said, adding, “These bears are smarter than the average bear.” “When one reflects on the history of this great university, one can see that promoting diversity like this has always figured prominently in the hearts and minds of our academic four bears, if you pardon the pun,” he said, alluding to the fact that Rutgers was actually founded by a quartet of scholarly grizzlies who emigrated to America in the 18th century, fleeing religious persecution in the Netherlands. “I believe the Rutgers community can come together and embrace our woodland friends. Sure, the males are territorial, violent, and sexually aggressive, but I’m sure we can come up with a compromise that’s bearable for everyone, if you pardon the pun.”

Lawrence then enumerated a list of some of the changes current Rutgers students can expect to see in the future: Voorhees Mall will have its name changed to “Voorhees Maul,” acknowledging the bears’ penchant for brutally tearing passers-by limb from limb.

Lucy Stone Hall will have its name changed to “Jellystone Hall,” and Yogi Bear and Boo Boo will accept appointments as deans of Livingston College.

Former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka will inherit the Scarlet Knights football team from lame duck head coach Terry Shea next fall.

Football fans can also expect to see some new faces on the team, in the form of some hot prospects who can “gnaw their way through any linebacker or defensive lineman.”

Classrooms, hallways, dining halls, and common areas will profuse with the rank stench of urine and feces, as bears have neither the dexterity nor the inclination to make use of the sanitary facilities used by “traditional” students.

Hoops guru Andy Panda, whose mantra “Don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk” changed the sport forever, will replace Kevin Bannon as coach of the men’s basketball team. In a related note, Midknight Madness will have its name changed to “Pandamonium.”

Students and staff had mixed reactions to the announcement. “I think it’s an em-bear-assment to the university, if you pardon the pun,” said graduate student Chuck Shick, who added, “I think campus life next semester is going to be unbearable, if you pardon the pun.” “What’s most troubling about this whole thing is that there’s a legal precedent in place that allows these hairy bastards to maul students at will. The ACLU successfully argued before the Supreme Court that any legislation designed to stop this would constitute an infringement of their second amendment ‘right to bear arms,’” remarked Rutgers Newark law professor Mark Phillips. “This is obviously in the best interest of the Rutgers community, and that’s the bear truth, if you pardon the pun,” commented Max Frankwell, a University College student. “I think Lawrence is turning a blind eye to the overcrowding problem at the university,” said Jane Way, a Douglass College sophomore. “The classrooms are full enough as it is. Next year, there will bearly be any room at all, if you pardon the pun.” “Honestly, those motherfuckers scare the hell out of me,” stated a visibly distraught Felix Rodriguez, a computer science major. “I guess I’m just going to have to hurry around between my classes, but you can bet I’m going to hurry back and bear-icade myself in my room, if you pardon the pun.” “This is the latest link in an unbroken chain of stupid decisions made by the administration in times of financial uncertainty,” said economics professor Karl Engels, who added “You might say that it was made in anticipation of a bear market, if you pardon the pun.” “I think it’s a great step forward for minority groups everywhere,” remarked Elsa McFarland, a teaching assistant with the English department. “I, for one, believe that an individual’s potential for academic success is something on which his or her species has no bearing, if you pardon the pun.” “I can understand how their presence might make students a little uneasy,” said Sam Burns, a professor with the School of Social Work. “The problem is, most students have never dealt with them before. I spend a lot of time working with them in the inner city, and most of them are congenial and good-natured. I’ve found that hanging out with them, under the right circumstances can be a real bear-rel of fun, if you pardon the pun.” Perhaps Livingston College junior Tiffany Berkeley sums it up best: “It’s too early to tell what this will mean for the future of Rutgers University. I suggest students make an honest attempt to lay their preconceptions aside, and just grin and bear it, if you pardon the pun.”

Bush Violated Texas’ “Sodomy Law” in 1996 “Youthful Indiscretion” Response Showing Age

by Christopher Taylor AUSTIN—Former gubernatorial intern Herbert “Hoover” Jackson came forward last Sunday with information linking current Texas governor and Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush to a gentleman’s club that was recently brought up on prostitution and sodomy charges.

“I could not in good conscience remain in the closet on this issue any longer,” said Jackson. “I owe the American people a detailed description of what I know about George’s secret life during summer and fall of 1996.”

Jackson claimed that his primary duties while working at Bush’s office included accompanying the governor to the downtown Austin adult entertainment establishment “House of Ass,” where they would watch “greasy nude men wrestle in Jell-O and engage in ‘hot fuck action’ with an assortment of filthy Tom Cruise look-alikes.” Jackson also contends that Bush would occasionally request anal sex of one particularly filthy Tom Cruise look-alike named Raul, and that on at least one of these occasions, photographs were taken.

“I wish I had the negatives. I don’t,” Jackson apologized.

The Bush campaign has provided characteristically schizophrenic responses to Jackson’s accusations.

“Herbert is mistaken about Bush’s presence at the House of Ass,” Bush Communications Director Karen “The Baroness” Hughes said before a Republican rally in Miami. “He has never engaged in homosexual activity, nor does he enjoy viewing such activity. It is immoral and illegal, and our next president would never engage in immoral or illegal activities.”

“Even if Bush were to be found to have entered the so-called gentleman’s club in question…and at this stage of the game, it is unlikely that we would benefit politically by officially confirming or denying such an accusation…his presence could be explained by noting that Bush actually went to school with the establishment’s owner, or that it happened before he claims to have been an upstanding citizen, or that he was merely investing in the future of a local business…all sorts of ways, really…” slimed Bush spokesman Ari Feltcher.

Bush himself commented on Jackson’s statements. “Hoover? He said we went to some faggot strip club? He might have gone. Hell, he might have worked there. Kid could suck some mean dick. Popped a blood vessel one time. But I ain’t never been to House of Ass.” Jackson claimed that it was the work he did in Bush’s office that convinced him to pursue a doctorate in political science at Rice University.

Medium-11-7-00.p65

5

NEWS

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by Parker Yo-sef 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 We can drill a big hole 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 into the heart of Alaska 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 Because I’m governor of Texas 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 Where i made a Mexican friend from the private 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 sector 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 Billions,Trillions 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 ways I could spend your pennies 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 But I’ll run on taxcuts for republicans one more 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 time 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 Fuzzy numbers Fuzzy fuzzy numbers 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 Working across the partisan divide 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 He loves his wife 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 He loves his family 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 He loves getting money from Buddhist monks 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 I’m a Domestic Source of Scandal 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 but at least I’m not Saddam Huesin 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 and do not doubt for a second, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 first born sons especially 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 I would not love to nuke all of Iraq’s babies 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 I’m a military man, son of the CIA 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 I believe Norman Schwartzkoff to be omnipotent 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 and Colin Powell to be Black 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 and whats a womens body meany for 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 a cultured, cleaner chance at life 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 Desensitize yourself to sex 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 and send your checks to the campaign office 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 We’re gonna hand Nader upside down by his 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 knickers 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 then pick up the spare change 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 that falls out his pockets 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1 wealthy % 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 of this country will run this country 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 regardless if I try to make friends 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 with the middle class college folk 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 our seniors need more drugs 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 faster and harder 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 like the coke i blew in the bathroom 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 still !@#$%^&*(* cant smile 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 with 75% of the country 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 staring @ my very own 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 oil puppet smirk 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 you know my opponent had his chance 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 and he was workin under a pimped out president 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 you know my father had his chance 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 but he’s livin through me now 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 Vote for ME 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 and nothing will ever change 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 Vote for the lesser evil and nothing will ever 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 change 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 His running mate’s an Orthodox Jew 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 for CHRISTS sake 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 are you gonna let these commie’s 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 light a menorah in the fucking White House 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 Why dont we just go elect 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 A BLACK MUSLIM WOMEN 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 to crash this ship right into China’s looming hand 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 we need to all fit more easily into our Democratic 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 system. WE 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 need to conjure up images of genuine compassion 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 in the media 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 and press. Pretend we ourselves are responsible for 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 all that is 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 pious and accuse the opponents of everything else 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 we need a president who knows 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 what its like to get on stage and Bitch for an hour 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 and 1/2 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 We need to get rid 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 of our precious environment 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 because who needs birds 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 when you have flying cars 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 and who needs oceans 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 when we got space exploration 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 lots of missles 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 tons of dynomite 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 and no one to bomb 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 we can sell those buried feces on the black market 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 genetically enhance my abilities to debate by way 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 of insult 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 he loves his wife 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 he loves his family 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 but other then that I think we should get’em up 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 on the gulliton 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 take his severed head and 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 Send it to grandma with a box of pain killers for 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890 breakfast.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890

4/3/01, 1:28 AM

Psychoanal Politrick Seeking Power (dominatus)

GMG

GMG: bustin nuts in the e-y-e.

WHY YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ME This Election Day, unlike any other Election Day in the past, you will have to make a decision not only about your future and the future of your country, but also about the future of the entire world. Now, my opponent in this presidential race, vice-president Al Gore, is a fine man with a fine family. But in reviewing the last eight years of the Clinton/Gore administration ask yourself this: does Al Gore have the assets you want in a future president?

You’re probably asking yourself, what do I mean by the term “assets”? To put it in blue collar, working class terms, when I mention the term assets, I’m referring to a certain quality that can’t be measured by Gallop polls or by voter surveys. You need a ruler or a tape measure to measure this quality. The quality I’m referring

by George to, of course, is dong size.

W. Bush Now, I’ve never had the opportunity to stare and gawk at Al Gore’s liberal dong for a long period of time. But I have seen it.

And believe me, it’s not large. Sure, it may not be so small that regularly sized condoms slide off of his erect wang during moments of grandiose pleasure. But I’m sure that his father, Al Gore Sr., would be particularly ashamed to know that his son clearly could never satisfy an adult woman sexually. And though I’d guess that Mr. Gore is capable of satisfying an eight or nine year old girl who has immature sex organs, I’ll confess that such guessing is purely speculation.

This is not to say that Al Gore is a bad man. I couldn’t say with any certainty if he has or has not participated in sexual intercourse with a nine year old girl or boy. But let me just say this: the next president of the United States of America should not have the penis and testicles of a seven year old boy. And I’m not talking about a seven-year-old boy who’s unusually large for his age. I’m talking about one of the smaller boys who does not enjoy a high protein diet.

This is an election about issues. When it comes to the issue of dong size, clearly I am the better candidate. Even when flaccid, I know for sure that I have genitals that are both taller and girthier than Al Gore’s are erect. For mine is a thicker, full-bodied republican wang. I’ll readily admit that I often measure my own penis, and let’s just say that a twelve inch ruler won’t suffice, even after I have just ejaculated and my penis is at it’s softest and most docile. But it’s not just about length, it’s about girth. And while Al Gore has a penis as slender as a toothpick or some other device slim enough to fit between one’s teeth, I have a wang that can barely fit into my wife Laura’s mouth. And believe me, she’s got a big mouth. And my dong isn’t strewn with unsightly purple and green veins, like the ones you see on the wangs of so many of the actors who star in pornographic films. I think it’s reasonable to say that I have big, beefy man genitals that are as pleasant to stroke with your hand as they are to ram into a tight eager vagina.

We’ve entered a new millennia, but we should still adhere to old values. On this Election Day, may the better man win. When voting, remember that the better man always has the bigger, healthier dong. For only George W. Bush has a dong that could satisfy the American people.

THE FAMILY CIRCASS

by Bill Familyy

Tuesday, November 7th, 2000

WHY YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ME On this Election Day, we Americans find ourselves at a crossroads in American History. Who will we choose as our champion, behind whom we are to rally in facing the challenges and opportunities of tomorrow? The burden of this dilemma falls squarely on the shoulders of every voter, and I implore you all to make the responsible choice, and vote for me.

My opponent, Texas governor George W. Bush, is admittedly a man endowed with genitalia of staggering length and girth.

He’ll brag about their complex network of veins, which throb and pulsate, with the red blood of a true American. However, the Bush camp doesn’t have much to say about his painful hemorby Al Gore rhoids. I’ll be the first to admit that the circulatory system of his genitalia is admirable to say the least, however, the veins surrounding his anus are extremely pendulous and vericose. He is a paper shell of a man, which each impending flare-up threatens to ignite and rapidly consume. The agony of this shameful secret has made him unable to get or maintain an erection. He is consequently a man unable to exude the aura of virility we must look for in our great leaders.

Another thing my opponent likes to “keep close to his chest” is the pair of saggy, lactating man-breasts with which he is cursed. It is for this reason that the Bushes don’t allow camera crews to film them at their Kennebunkport vacation home, as both father and son bathe in frumpy, women’s one-pieces. He binds them tightly to his abdomen when he goes out in public, just like Mulan did when she was in the Chinese army. However, the pressure exerted by the girdle constantly causes him to emit a milky discharge from his nipples, often with great force. This generally trickles down his body, leaving his torso sticky and bacteria-ridden.

I ask you, the voting public, is this the sort of individual who deserves stewardship of our great democracy? I, for one, think the answer to that question must surely be “No.” I’m confident that I can win the hearts of women voters through the strength and clarity of my vision alone, and refuse to resort to adopting their secondary sex characteristics. Whether I’m siring the leaders of tomorrow or viewing filthy pornography, as I often do, I remain confident that my pecker can stand at attention for hours on end, like a Buckingham Palace guard like a Buckingham Palace guard.

The Rutgers College Governing Association Presents

Featuring a Q & A Session with

The Director of Parking and Transportation and yu

yu

m

m

November 15 at 8 PM “Jeffy punched me in the balls when I tried to rape his cute boyass.”

Medium-11-7-00.p65

6

“I get all bloody when Daddy fucks my ass raw like a Turkish sailor.”

Red Lion Café Rutgers Student Center

4/3/01, 1:28 AM

FEATURES

Bustin makes me feel good!

Tuesday, November 7th, 2000

God Never Liked Jesus By: The Writer’s Block

Francis “I’m gay” Lawrence By: The Writer’s Block Gay?

Religion is so fucked up these days, actually religion has been fucked up for awhile. There isn’t one correct religion on Earth today. Wait no, Heaven’s Gate was fuckin’ cool, everyone got to wear Nikes. That’s awesome, not like my religion where we only wear Pumas. Well any ways, like I was saying, religion sucks. In fact I can actually pinpoint Theologists all agree that every mistake every religion makes so here goes!! teen hunk Leonardo Christianity: This religion is o.k. but they fucked DiCaprio is a sure thing to be the next savior of up the “Lord’s” name. They call him Jesus Christ. this sinking ship.

Stupid!! His name is Jesus Chris, they just use to draw a small cross after his name to remember how he died a horrible, horrible death. Some jerk (Saint Peter) mistaken it for the letter “t” and they’ve been calling him “Christ” since then. Get it right, it’s Jesus Chris; it even sounds cooler, like as if He’s from the streetz.

Catholics: this religion ain’t that bad. The Catholic schoolgirl uniforms do turn me on especially when I put it on. Well any ways, I just don’t think telling your sexual sins to a “father” so that he can masturbate in a booth while listening to you can be called “confession”. It should be called the “holy cumunion”.

Jewishness: Eight days of praying, I don’t know. That’s just a little too much praying for one religion. I mean, who actually prays these days. And the whole thing about making up their own words, what’s up with that? It’s not a dreidel, it’s a top. It’s beef, not kosher. And it’s a cap, not a yamaka.

Muslims: I just don’t think praying to Muhammad Ali is right. I don’t care how good of a boxer you are. You should never pray to someone who floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee.

Hinduism: Can’t eat beef, enough said.

Buddhism: A booty is not for praying to, it’s for grabbing.

Well as you can see, all religions are messed up. So just do what I do and sing gospel songs while touching yourself. Well gotta go, I have to sacrifice a kosher booty to Muhammad Ali.

Rutgers students should be proud! After all, we have a lot to be proud of. A great football team, cafeterias that acknowledge vegetarians, and a president named Francis. By the way, did you know that he’s racist? Yeah, Francis is one racist bastard. Oh wait, you didn’t know that he was a bastard too did you? Yeah, his mom was not very shy and was very well opened to people, if you know what I mean. Francis was born and raised in a whore University president Fran Lawrence, pictured here with his bastard son Joey, proves once and for all that incest is best. house, which is cool cuz it means our president is from the ghetto and he’s jiggy wit it.

Well, enough about his past, how do I know he’s racist? Simple, he told me once at a bar. This is how our conversation went.

Me: Hey, aren’t you Francis Lawrence, the president of Rutgers?

Fran: Don’t call me that, it’s not my real first name. My name is Bridget.

Me: o.k. Bridget, my bad. So, what brings you here, shouldn’t you be at Rutgers givin’ male T.As hand jobs?

Bridget: Haha, very funny. Everyone knows that’s only on Tuesdays and today is Thursday.

Me: Dude, I wasn’t serious.

Bridget: (very nervously) Oh, umm…Did you know that I’m a bastard?

Me: Umm yeah, I’m sorry, but I already knew that.

Bridget: (surprised) What, how did you know?

Me: Well, your mom’s a ho bag and while I was doin’ her last night she told me that she doesn’t know who your dad is she fucks well for an old lady.

Bridget: Oh well, hey, did you know that I’m racist?

P.n.: I apologize to all religions. They are all good. However, it should be Me: No. noted that the Canadian religion, Maple Syrupism, is not a real religion. So feel Bridget: Well I am. I hate midgets and Canadians!! free to bash their God, Wayne Gretzky.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Me: Hey, same here!! I like you man. Tell you what, I’ll buy you a drink, cheers!!

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Bridget: Yes. Cheers or as they say in Canada “Sy-Rup”!!!

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Well, I’ll probably be thrown out of Rutgers now. So I better go. I’m a TA now 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 and it’s Tuesday.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890

The Medium Poetry Corner

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Once there was a little boy, P.n.: I apologize to Francis, I mean Bridget. He’s not a real racist and he’s not a real 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 who wanted Ricki Lake.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 bastard. I apologize to Bridget’s mom as well. She is a perfect human being. And it (Dedicated to Metzger 2) 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 He loved all about her, should be noted that this conversation never took place...maybe.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Feces flowing over your tits, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 though he pelted her with steaks.

Nose, eyes, lips, fingertips.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 She did not like this at all, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 The brownish mush goes in and out, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 and so she called a cop.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Filling the recesses of your mouth.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 The boy escaped for another day, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 And I can’t believe for this you’d pay me, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 I was a small boy when I learned the ways of the world. It was 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 with Oliver- the friendly sock.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 I guess that’s the consequence of being 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 then I realized that not only are cartoons real, but if you ask 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 a scat-baby.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 them nicely, they show up and kill whomever you ask. Like 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 when I asked my sock puppet “Oliver” to murder my old 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 I wish I were the President, teacher Mrs. Hornsby. I didn’t really know if he would do it or not until the next 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 He does whatever he wants.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 day when I found Mrs. Hornsby in my basement with her head under my dad’s I wish I were the President, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 I’d do anything to be the President, old anvil. Poor Mrs. Hornsby. I expected that the anvil would crumble, and a large 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 He does whatever he wants.

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Macchio, never showers....ever!

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Child of the Scat

The Most Beautiful Lake

By C.M.D.

OLIVER: (please sir, may I please have some more.)

by Mr. Martin W. “Babitz”

Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory

Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory

REMINISCING

Hamiltonian: Stories of Seduction

The End?

by Stenwyck McGavin

Next Week In The Medium:

Medium-11-7-00.p65

7

4/3/01, 1:28 AM

Nothing left to do but cry, cry cry.

ARTS Hey Tipper, do you think I Rock me, Jon Corzine look too wooden?

Tuesday, November 7th, 2000

Rock the Vote comes to Livingston Campus

It s ok, Al. Wooden is a good thing right now.

By Amanda Hoffman

PISCATAWAY- Last Saturday, hordes of students flooded the Livingston campus to enjoy a free concert featuring OutKast, Rah Digga, and local legends, Barbuda. The concert was the last stop on the Rock the Vote tour. Although Rock the Vote is unaffiliated with MTV, many students expected there to be a vee-jay presence.

Unfortunately, the only media present were Hot 97 and some guys in suits trailing Senate-hopeful Jon Corzine.

OutKast played a short set due to their tour schedule, which required them to go to Europe. Thankfully, Barbuda filled the hole with enough jazzy jam fun to keep the students dancing. With their high speed, high spirit performance, it’s likely that many more students will venture off campus to catch these guys again.

For the politcally inclined, representatives of many campaigns staffed tables, ready to answer student questions about various politicians. Students could easily learn what the various candidates believe in and what they plan to do if elected. Organizations such as NJPIRG and RU Ignite! staffed tables with information on the various candidates and where they stand on the issues. Some organizations tabled with information on campus issues, such as the expansion of the Livingston Student Center and the re-creation of a women’s center.

Food items were also distributed, and those too broke to afford the tainted and overpriced dining services food dined on Corzine candy apples and Bob Franks cookies.

Franks did not make an appearance, but Green senate candidate Bruce Afran did. His point-heavy performance was easily outshined by the Democratic triple threat, Mayor Jim McGreevey, Corzine, and his daughter Jen. McGreevey urged the crowd to “give it up” for Corzine, Jen spoke about her dad, and candy was tossed to the audience, who threw it back onstage.

Creepy Bush-Gore wandered the crowd, embodying the pro-death “Oww, you’re crushing penalty stance of both candidates. me with your big Nader supporters engaged in street multi-millionaire hand!” theater about the influence of big money in the election. Democrats dljf and Greens held a sign war around Corzine for most of the afternoon.

Though they differed in opinion, all parties were united in encouraging students to exercise their right to vote.

Tipper and Al try a new strategy for appealing to the college crowd: Hard-core environmentalist pornography Pat Buchanan appeals to voters in Texas

Now ya see here, people keep saying that Bush and Gore are alike. Well, I m more like Bush than Gore is. Bush and I go way back, we used to even be in the same party. We use the same racist tactics and hate women just as much. If you hate women, jews, fags, and blacks as much as I do, you should vote for me. A vote for Bush is a vote for Gore!

SIEG HELMS! Why couldn t I just be cloned?!

Now now, Little Georgie, it s SIEG HEIL!

Tired of having your vote taken for granted? Tired of being betrayed by your friends? Tired of all this political bullshit? Then vote, asshole!

Send submissions to hardcandy@wildmail.com

Bumping Uglies Stop making me look like an asshole

Medium-11-7-00.p65

No! Please don t kiss me like Tipper!

8

Bring hard liquor and soft drugs to Room 113 LSC 9:30 pm Wednesday

4/3/01, 1:29 AM

No, please don t beat me like a black jewish feminist lesbian!

Stop making me look like an asshole

Tuesday, November 7th, 2000 Why do white people think that they can wear sandals with socks?!?! If looks funkin retarded! What the hell is so hard about putting on a pair of fucking shoes?!?! I see you people everyday, with your white socks and adidas flipflops. What the fuck?! It's not like you're fuckin poor cause you rock all that Abercrobie shit all the time. PUT ON A PAIR OF SNEAKERS ON FOR GOD SAKES YOU FUCKIN LAZY ASS CRACKERS!!!!!!!!

(It’s true! We’re so lame!)

LEAVE IT TO BEAVER This goes out to the guy with the thick, hairy beaver who celebrated his 21st birthday on November 1st and got totally drunk to where you could see him sweating. You and your beaver should keep the things yall do together personal. I wanted to say "It's OK" to the two friends who kept saying "We're so sorry"...You don't have to apogize for your friend's wanting to be like any other stupid ass suposed to be adult who goes and gets drunk on htier birthday. What if your friends weren't there, then you would've been ASSED THE FUCK OUT!!!! I just want to say next rime you decide to show everyone your beaver, wait till Groundhog's Day!!!!

Oh yeah and instead of you catching the drunk bus bak to Cook,you should have went to a Frat House, I am sure they had a line of Frat whores from Lippincott to show your beaver how to properly eat wood.

by DRUNK BUS ASSISTANTS

So much pornography means so much fun!

I wanna tell all the stupid ass people with one track minds to Take that Medium, turn it sideways, and stick it straight up your candy ass. All girls from Douglass aren't dykes. And anyway, the only reason why yall hate on them is because they aint eating yall from the back. I am strictly dickly and it will stay that way but as long as yall be on their dildo's then they gone keep on pushing so SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP HATING!!!!!! To my #1 love and future husband I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!!! To Thug kid DOA, and Mistiic can't forget yall @88.7 Wed. 10-12pm .......yall #1 and yall also know who yall #1 fans. My best friend OB....do ya thing don't be scurred and get the fuck up here!! Saundra(My slow friend) and Debbie (half-pint) keep it cool and remember friends are 4real. To the rest of Katzenbach(all the people I am cool with..you know who you are) BIGGUPS TO YOU TOO esp.. all the cool RA's.

Don't be hating on them because somebody gotta make the rules and keep yall dumb clutzes on lock. Oh to the three other friends...Blair...Marcus ..and Angel>>>>All of you stay looking good and keep to ya word esp YOU MARCUS!!!*smile*

My girlfriend and I are looking for another woman to join us in a round of dirty sex. Anyone interested please respond through the medium. This will be a one time thing. One dizzying threesome. We are reasonably attractive...who the hell are you to complain...it's free sex with no ties. To, my girlfriend, I hope you enjoyed that four hour fuckfest last week.

How many positions did we go through? I have fantasized about your naked sweating body every night this week.

On a serious note, I love you more than life itself, but I will never get you a ring...I could never commit my life to someone who is 22 and likes to watch pokemon....naked.

(Another delusional freak, I think that the only reasonably attractive one of your pair is the blow up doll whom you refer to as your girlfriend).

I have recently come to a revalation. I fucking hate my roomates. They are a bunch of cock-knocking, floppysloppy-donky dick sucking, dildo-riding, rabbit-loving whoremongers. Also, they are not monkeys. You see, I am a monkey...a sock-monkey to be precise. I am proud of my heritige, my mother was a cracker monkey and my father (I think we can all agree that a bad monkey. I also have the author of this personal is clown blood in me...by patera purebred dyke who has ab- nal grandparents were clownsolutely no real friends or a sluts and my maternal grandfuture husband for that mat- parents were mime beating ter. Keep on giving shoutouts monkey-clowns. Anyway, to your thug friends who enough about me, back to my don’t exist!) roomates, I hate them and hope that some PLO squirrel I hate people. they are dumb A jerk is a jerk, got it? Cause ass rapes them with a dirty and dumb things are bad and the jerk revolution is coming pikachu while a maniac in a thats why i hate people. be- and I’ll be damned if I’m not chicken suit beats them mercicause they’re dumb oh god left standing after the dust has lessly with a ten foot steel dildo cleareed! Jerks unite! with a gold plated head. punch me in the face!

to PW, stop drinking my Beer. Hey bitch in Myth WF take JS stop pissing in my beer. WR your face off our teacher's cunt stop Ejactulating in my beer, i b/c the rest of us are fuckin know it was you and i let PW sick of your moaning and drink those. DS you monkey thinking you're smart when loving, przemeslawian pansy you're the dumbest fuckin monkey slut. the Next time douchebag I've even seen. you look at me like that again i What the fuck is up w/ your will "thrash you". when i say name? Mom too stupid to re"thash you" i mean take a mo- alize your name isn't your birthtorized snow blower and at- day? Shut up you bitch before tach a 12 inch Rusty metal the class gang rapes you and dildo and Use it as a vibrator ties you to a fuckin porcupine. to violate you in Front of your I'm gonna bitch slap you and girlfriend for 12 hours. you will shove my dick in your mouth Find out what NAH-NAH- next time you say something NAH means. why don't you you think is intelectual but the rent some more Lame musicals rest of us thought about in 1st and mourn your birth you fat grade. assed, rotten Egg sucking, limp dicked moron. to my fucking gay brother who always brings me this newspaTo all of the alpha cows (alpha per? DO YOU LIKE chi omega) your grass outside BALLZ? i saw you groping the you house is getting long, it's 8year olds testicles down the time to start grazing again." block and i thought.. wow are you fucking gay This goes out to the three guys that my friends & I saw in the Dear Samus, Fox, and Capshuttle bus at 3:30 a.m., Nov. tain Falcon,Up yours. Love, 1st. Happy B-day to the guy Kirby, Link, and Donkey Kong who like to hug his big hairy beaver. And to his friend with anyone tried watiching them the earings, why didn't you mr. Wong cartoons in the comshow me your beaver? I re- puter lab, while you have a ally had a good place to put chink sitting on each side of your beaver, and you... oops, you? i have tried it. it made your beaver would love it!!! them really pissed but they Why don't you respond so we didn't say anything. fucken can see what we can do for chinks. your beaver! You think those frat whores know what to One time, I was at the grease do.....well you need a real trucks, and there was this girl Mami..Douglass chick.. So if there, and she was really cute, you got a big hairy beaver like and I wanted to talk to her, but ya friend..you've seen me, I didn’t. That was pretty cool come find me!!!! @-} (Reminds me of someone I (Slut? Yes). know, but who?)

To every single girl at Rutgers, please die, I hate each and every one of you, except for the hot ones, but ESPECIALLY the HOT ones! Please do us all a favor and DIE, or date me.

PLEASE!!

The Medium Because Cook is filled with animal anus fiends and Douglass is filled with dykes Medium-11-7-00.p65

9

PERSONALS

4/3/01, 1:29 AM

To my music professor, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR CLASS! People are only there to fill requirements, so don’t get all bent out of shape when people leave early!

ASSHOLE!!!

PERSONALS

So much fun means having so much pornography!

A little poem for that sexy White girl that lives in Judson on the 2nd floor. No disrespect, but you got the PHATTEST booty I've ever seen on a white girl. Word around campus is that you're Italian...that's good, cause I'm You Bastards. The monkey feeling like using my 10 inch that is tall retarded monkey strombolli (that slightly curves ugly decided to respond to pre- to the left) on you tonight..... vious insults, well fuck you Roses are red/Pickles are monkey!!! Download your green/I wanna to have sex with pokemon porn and enjoy. You you/And what's in between don't cuddle with me, you (you)/So open your legs/And strap yourself in and ride the close your eyes/Open the lucky G's. I may be stupid but your charm/So I can retarded so your attempt to CUMMMMMM inside. respond might be interpreted as flung feces. Why don't you This goes out to my sexy ass burn in hell!?! You know if you Dyke from Metter. I know shave your armpit hair it will who you are, but you don't look like you have a huge hairy know me. I go to the LLEGO X on your chest. Any way, meetings and sit and just stare Recall: Hunt for monkeys. For at you and with those sexy lips Sale: Twelve monkey toes, of yours and those big, butch/ eleven monkey eyes, ten mon- femme arms. Lemme li-li-likey thumbs sown together to lick you from your head to your form a penis, nine monkey tail toes and move from the bed scarfs, eight monkey hands giv- down to the flo'. Baby you ing the finger, seven monkey make me so hot! My juices rugs, six monkey anus earings, start flowing everytime you five monkey brain puddings, come around. Oh, please let four monkey penises, three me fuck your brains out! burnt monkeys stuck together Pleeeeeease. If you want the in arousing positions, two mon- best lovin' you've ever had, key breasts, an a tall ugly mon- come to the next LLEGO meeting. I'll be wearing black key humping a pear tree.... slacks, a purple top...and Oh my God...I just saw a vi- Victoria's Secret edible undersion of beauty in Mettler Hall. wear.

Who is that beautiful white girl To Dave L., the real manon the second floor with the whore that lives on Busch camglasses and brown hair. My pus -- you're the only manlove muscle has never been as whore on Earth that gets no hard as it was for this girl. I replay. In fact, you actually get member her saying she was negative play. You could walk from Colts Neck. Thats fitting, through the Redlight District in because i want her to ride me Amsterdam and still not get like a thoroughbred. You all tall any. Your personality is more and luscious. I want a slice of repellant to women than a can that pie. I want to fuck you so of Raid is to cockroaches. hard, you cum out of your ears.

And another thing, do everyOOh yeah, i dream about your one you live with a favor and body every night. I see you in buy yourself a robe you short Brower all the time eating that little maggot. pasta so delicately. I wonder how you lips would feel on my To all the hot ass girls in my balls. Come and see me. I'll be expos class on Monday and in Mettler waiting to pound you Thursday 1... I wanna fuck you in the stairwells, my Colts and eat you like you've never Neck Cutie. been before... Yall know who the master is, i'll leave my name To Matt, Brian and Jay, I tagged on your ass w/ fooled you! You thought I was jizz!!!!!!!! your friend, but I was only using you to further my own self (Virgin I bet! Also in denial and why are you so dying? Ha! of his homosexuality.)

To Chris from the Cabaret Improv troupe, you are so sexy. I want you to do some improv in my bed. When you were in your batman costume, I wanted to be your catwoman.

Prrrr.

Medium-11-7-00.p65

10

Aiyo! Somebody please tell me who that good-looking shy white girl is from Mettler on the second floor. That corn-fed white girl's got my dick on a permanent saluting position.

Girl, I know you don't have a boyfriend 'cause you're never with a guy. So lemme give it to you from behind and make you scream my name. Fuck it! If you want, I'll scream your name! So, what is your name?

I'll be around this friday at Mettler. I'll be looking for you sexy.

This goes out to that sexy ass Dominican mami in Mettler Hall 2nd Floor with the short curly hair and the glasses. You sexy as hell girl. How can a ni@@a like me get a piece of that sweet ass? I know you live on the second floor 'cause i see you change clothes in front of the window. Go 'head girl, do yo thang. Let me lick that nipple ring. I asked about you and peole tell me that you gay, but don't girl, you bi....i can see it in yo eye. Next time you want some ass thunmping sex, come and see me.....the Ticallion Stallion. I wanna see you shake yo ass. I got a ten inch cock (that curves to the left) hard, ready and waiting for some good lovin. this is to all the ugly bitches in almost every one of my classes. you make my day less enjoyable bc not one of you is remotley not butt-fucking ugly.

So, if any of you sluts reading this are in psych in Beck MT1, or Nature of Politics in LSH W3, or Expos in LSH MW5jsut give up- because you are all dogs. I have seen better looking girls in the circus. You don't deserve to even breathe the same air as people that are not fucked up beyond belief.

All you ugly bitches (guys/girls) should be stuffed like Mexicans in a sardine can and exploded. Fuck you all.

To all the fucking buses that come to Douglass; FUCK YOU ALL! Fucking buses; why don't you ever cum??!!

Especially that EE bus; I want to fuck the EE bus in the tailpipe; fuck it THRICE, man.

Stupid buses. Azz.

Tuesday, November 7th, 2000

This is for my asshole of a roomate. I can't stand the fact that you jerk off every other night when you think I'm sleeping. God, get a fucking girlfriend! You piss me off so fucking much, I hope you rot in Hell! Go jerk off in the bathroom or something, oh, and stop that fucking moaning! only dumb fucken arabs would bring rocks to a gunfight.

this goes out to those bitches... better still those hardcore dykes/ man bashers in my fucking "high feminity class"...got two words of advice get a Real dildo... a fuckin' real man with a 27gram-7.996" dick. maybe if u took the tyme to remove the leather STUDDED starp on dildo from between ur hairy UN-shaven neanderthal legs, still moist from ur girlfriendz open, oozing puss-infected, gangrenous lip sores from the night before,u might not be such a Femi-Nazi. u wanna know who wrote this...i'll be the guy next to the freaking fire exit with a size 12 bulge in his pants thinking what it would be like to fuck ur brains out... Bless these motherfuckers

Last Monday at like 4:00 there were some HOT girls in TILLET checking out their own asses. Me and my friend were sitting near you and we thought you were doing a fantastic job and we liked what we checked out as well. However, i need to do a further inspection. I know you would like that so please respond to the christina g on douglass... u Medium via ASS INSPEC- dumb fuck... thanks for stealTOR. ing my physio notes at the arc... next time cover up ur tracks a (Hey wait a minute... you’re lil better... not the ass inspector...) (douglass snatch leaves an This goes out to all the pig odor that’s as distinct as a finRutgers men who found it necgerprint) essary to honk and yell at me from their cars just because I To the fucking asshole that was wearing a skirt. I don't care stole the toilet paper out of if you did get a great view of house 11 basement, i am going my pink velvet thong as I was to smear my dirty ass hole all walking across the bridge from over your cock sucking mouth, Hickman, you don't have to be you little bitch. assholes about it! Or maybe you just act like that cuz you (You could always use your know you couldn't hit this no roommate’s tongue for toilet matter how hard you try. One paper, you know). of the cutest "non-dykes" on douglass campus,I get plenty of To that gay motherfucker ass without needing to pay at- Francis P. Enis, in Quad one, tention to losers like you. Hell, stop leaving your fucking shit I'd even go for another chick in the bathroom. I'm tired of before I'd go for dicks like you. seeing shit stained clothes hanging in the shower stall.

(A wise man once said if a Next time I see them in there i girl wears the uniform of a am going to send them home prostitue should we not as- to your slut mother who rapes sume her to be one and gay men. Also dont take your thereby treat her as such? If agression out on "homosexuI were to go around wearing als" cause your father taks it in a police uniform all day the pooper. And stop dreamshould I be shocked and ap- ing about Joe Dimaggio all the palled that people cry help to time, HE'S A FAGGOT me assuming that I’m a po- PISSON, or whatever the hell lice officer just because I’m that gay Italian name is for dressed like one. Keep in friend. If you dont do this we mind that I’m not a police will get some big fat gay guy to officer. Besides we at the Me- lick your anal crevis and stick dium don’t scream at hot his long dick through your toll girls when we see them...we booth into your hershey highstalk them. Then we kill way. And thats what you get them! Get it? Kill!!!) for pissing us off.

4/3/01, 1:29 AM

PERSONALS They did it again! Those My latest scientific lousy men let us vote and investigation has just look! They ruined yielded that herpes everything! Anyway we just plain ain’t fun! vote we lose. No cute Yeeeooowwwwiieee!! candidates either!

I just can t stop fucking my pillow and then wiping my head with it after I ve dirtied it!!! What am I to do?

Tuesday, November 7th, 2000

America, together we vote, together we lose!

the solution: Come to a Medium Meeting Wednesday Nights 9:30 PM at the LSC Rm. 111 Swerving their way into jerktown its the Personals Editors

Send Send them them personals personals at at jsp51@eden.rutgers.edu jsp51@eden.rutgers.edu or or mmolino@eden.rutgers.edu mmolino@eden.rutgers.edu

Remember a vote for George. W. Bush is not just a vote for a jerk, but for nepotism.

Uh heh heh he heh this is way more fun than that stupid old electric chair. Uh heh heh he heh.

Right, Beavis? I mean Dad. Whoops Dad ain t here. I hate being on my own.

Fuck the Vote!

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11

4/3/01, 1:29 AM

What s Shakin

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Well, here we are a day early.

Can you believe it? Are you going to vote? I m personally going for the write-in candidate Sweet Connie Lingus and her running mate the back door kid. Who says that porn stars wouldn t be able to run the government? We ve got Clinton, and I think he should definitely consider theadult film industry as a second career to politics. Anyway, I ll just be glad when this is over, so my Punky Brewster reruns are not interrupted by debates and stupid campaign coverage! Send porngraphy, sexy sheep, and events to stubby103@hotmail.com

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Come to a Medium Meeting!

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Medium-11-7-00.p65

12

Tuesday, November 7th, 2000

Miss Cleo predicts beards for women will be all the rage in the spring 2001 fashion lines.

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4/3/01, 1:29 AM