The Entertainment Weekly of Being John Malkovich
Wednesday, November 10, 1999
“Snatch!”
Volume XXXI Number 5
EDITORIALS
amandah@eden
Wednesday November 10, 1999
Hotmail Sucks
Cell Phone Drive For Domestic Violence Awareness Month
By Amanda Hoffman, EiC It’s the night we put the paper together, and I decide to go to my hotmail account and transform one of my personal epistles about social action into an editorial for the consumption of the 8000 of you who manage to find this paper after I hoard them for fear of paper theives. But hotmail is not cooperating. It seems that my email has magically disappeared. So I look for help, and get the address of an autoresponder, which apologizes for inconveniencing me. It turns out that my hotmail account has forgotten how to see my old email, and can only recognize the 13 brand new spam emails I have recieved since my account got amnesia. They do not offer any explanation for why this has happened, and say that they may be able to recover the lost email. But I know why. What began as a small, independent provider of free web-based email became just another extension of the already bloated Microsoft Borg. Add on the dead weight of the terribly misguided MSN Messenger, and you have a system that is destined for unexplained errors and security breaches. So will I ever receive my old email. Maybe. Probably, since this has happened to enough people for it to be a standard item on the autoresponder’s help menu, but not in time to save this space from being wasted in a pointless stream of ink and paper. I just hope that part of breaking up the trust will include the destruction of MSN and the prevention of Microsoft from extending its poisonous tentacles into anything else it does not create by itself.
We Own You WeOwn You
Poetry Art Political Expression Submissions for Sisterhood and Struggle zine now being accepted mail to Sisterhood and Struggle 227 Livingston Ave Apt 2 New Brunswick, NJ 08901 or email SisterhoodnStruggle @hotmail.com
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Woody Cock Mr. Happy Manbeef Rod Jimmy
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Cover by: Amanda and Kia
Weiner Pecker Dick Schlong What’s Shakin’
THE
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
Duringmyimprisonmenthere at Rutgers Univerisity I have tried to be best of friends with my school. My way of being friends with it is giving it money (Anal sex works just as well. - Ops. Ed.). In this friendship i expect a reciprocal payback, as with any friendship (Anal sex works well for this, too - Ops. Ed). However it seems as though ourfriendshipmightbefalling apart and it just... ooo...ahh sorry it just breaks me up inside....it just doesn’t seem right....I’ve always been there for my dear RU. Rutgers treats me like shit. I pay for police officers to protect me yet all I see them do is give tickets for being noisy, being drunk,andparkinginfrontof the dorms that i pay to live in. I don't think anyone at Rutgerswantstheirmoney going towards these victimless crimes. I would like to ask Rutgers for my money back that is going towards this group of overgrown frat boys who think they are some sort of god-like creatures. Let the 'hoods come and kick
Do you have an old cellular phone? Bell Atlantic Mobile is collecting analog portable cell phones so that they can be recycled and programed to dial 911 only. The phones donated for the program schould be placed in a plastic bag or box and include the battery and battery charger . Please drop them off box out in the downstairs lobby of the Douglass Scholars Office in Voorhees Chapel on Douglass.
Now until November 26.
myassandstealmyshit,i can fend for myself and most of my shit is already stolen. Rutgers University is trying to kill the students here, if not from the food (Grease trucks and Brower are the focal points here) then from suicide. What pushes someone to this.. depression...I get depressed when I can’t have a fucking party for fear of having to pay out my ass for being "noisy". Students get depressed when they are too far from home to go home each weekend..since there is nothing to do here if we cant have parties...Rutgers University has kicked me in the nutsandthenstompedonme while I was down...then it asks to still be friends. FU RU! The way to get prospective students to go here isbyhavingthecurrent studentstellthesehigh schoolers that RU is cool, not a prison where they don't allow you the basic freedoms of the United States. The freedom to do whatever the fuck I want as long as it
doesn'tharmanyone...I should be able to get drunk, be noisy and park in front of the dorms to drop off shit. Whenthiscountrywas created, these rights would have been included. I’m sure theymustnothaveforeseen thataprisonsuchasRU could have ever been created, but it has. I don’t know how. What we need is good ol’ fashion lynching and pillaging of this whole fucking place...We should all get drunk, get noisy and park everywhere and beat the fuck out of everything in sight...and if not...I guess I’ll get high, pass the blizunt to RU and forget about the shit it did to me. (Oh the tragedy. somehow, I no longer feel sorry for those spoiled brats that are starving in Ethiopia. At least they have Sally Struthers.- Ops. Ed.)
By Matt Denton
The Editorial Staff Bulbasaur Psyduck Mew Vileplume Butterfree Diglet ArboK
Amanda Hoffman Chris Taylor Heather Thompson Anish Mehta Chris Taylor Garrett Glick John Minus
Tentacruel Jigglypuff Staff Artist Squirtle Mewtwo Poliwrath
Jason Postelnik & Mike Molino Chris DeSarno Walter Payton Chris DeSarno Heather Thompson Anish Mehta
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. THE MEDIUM provides a forum for all members of Rutgers community, and in doing so constitutes an instructional setting for the discussion of potentially controversial or even offensive material. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM L.P.O 16405 P.O Box 5064, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903-5064 or emailed to amandah@eden.rutgers.edu.
O
OPINIONS
anish1@eden
The court has recently ruled to restore funding for the Brooklyn Museum of Art, where the controversial painting of a buttocks surrounded, dung smeared Virgin Mary was displayed. Some hail this as a victory for the First Amendment (I hail it as a victory for buttocks - Ops. Ed.). Others are not so sure. Yes, not everyone likes the painting. Some see it as blasphemous and immoral. Others who are not offended,are trying to understand the artist's own interpretation of dung being the symbol of fertility. American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) portrays Guiliani's decision to withhold taxpayers' funding as arbitrary, and it is. Guiliani has singled out theVirgin Mary painting, because it doesn't conform to his views on morality, claiming that "public taxpayer dollars should not go for aggressive desecration of national or religious symbols of great significance and sensitivity to people." However, it seems to me that the ACLU took this case to prove Guiliani's discrimination against those artists who use the power of the government to force taxpayers to pay for exhibits they could find offensive. Hmm... I guess "freedom of expression" does not extend to Joe or Mary not wanting to pay for a crucifix in urine. That "freedom" would send Mary and Joe to jail. That "freedom" would see Mary and Joe lose their property... But would the ACLU be willing to
Wednesday November 10, 1999
Brooklyn Museum of Art: FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION OR FREEDOM OF THEFT? take a case of an artist who paints Martin Luther King's dead body being covered with dung? Lets also imagine, that on top of Martin Luther King, sits Jesse Jackson Jr, with feces coming out of his buttocks (I’m so turned on right now. - Ops. Ed.). Certainly, an artist in his/her defense could offer an explanation of
Blasphemy or Art ?
Jesse Jackson in the 90's going way beyond and contradicting Martin Luther King's civil rights agenda. Would the courts and the ACLU take this case and cry "First Amendment", since it seems perfectly okay for ACLU to have the government force taxpayers to pay for the crucified Jesus flowing in the liquid waste. Are we to blame the disgusted Christians for not being compassionate enough to display coerced financial tolerance towards the artist's taste of Virgin Mary? So how do we resolve this controversy? By leaving taxpayers out of the forced art payment business, that would have art lovers contribute money for the works they would find appealing. Those who would find some works offensive, would have a choice of not sending their checks to the museum. They would be free however, to provide financial assistance to the museums of their liking. For those wanting to find out about the positions of the ACLU and the Libertarian Party on this issue can check out the 2 web pages: ACLU's position. http:// www.aclu.org/court/Blyn_museum.html Libertarian Party's position. http:// www.lp.org/rel/991012-art.html. (On a related note, the website for the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) is http://www.nambla.org.Ops. Ed)
By Victor Kaplan
Hi. I’m Anish, your friendly Opinions Editor. I feel like shit right now because this stupid
weather has made me sick. I hate this weather. I wish it would die. I also hate the financial aid office for
“misplacing” my documents. I wish they would die. I hope everything just dies. On a
more upbeat note, the Medium Meeting will be heldonWednesday@ 9:30intheOrganizations office (room 113) of The Livingston Student Center. I hope Livingston dies, too...
NEWS NEWS
Mary Jane Sucks Big Cock
Wednesday, November 10, 1999
NB Mayor, Medicinal Marijuana Kingpin to Stand Trial, DEA Humiliation Avenged No Bikes! By Christopher Taylor
By Christopher Taylor
MEDIUM STAFF
MEDIUM STAFF
other things) and a new court decision, United States v. Oakland Cannabis Buyers Cooperative, that found there to exist a class of people with serious medical conditions for whom the use of cannabis is necessary in order to treat or alleviate those conditions or their symptoms; who will suffer serious harm if they are denied cannabis; and for whom there is no legal alternative to cannabis for the effective treatment of their medical conditions because they have tried other alternatives and have found that they are ineffective, or that they result in intolerable side effects, in conjunction with the U.S. v. Aguilar (which essentially allows an individual to perform an illegal act if it is to prevent imminent harm). The response of the Federal government essentially reiterated the marijuana usage is illegal mantra, and barred any responsibility in the event that McWilliams should die of AIDS before the trial date has arrived. Last Friday, the judge scheduled to preside over the trial, George H. King, granted the government s motion and ruled that, Counsel for defendants are instructed not to make any reference, in whatever form, including but not limited to argument, questions, comments, testimony or evidence, to Proposition 215, the medical usefulness of marijuana, the closed single patient investigative new drug program, defendants reliance on the advice of counsel, and defendants medical conditions. Counsel are further instructed to assure that no other persons, including their clients (the defendants) and their witnesses, make any such prohibited references at trial. It is so ordered. For more information, visit www.petertrial.com. As an added incentive for all those that actually read the entire article, the site features Peter McWilliams books for free, including the Todd McCormick text, How to Grow Medical Marijuana.
NEW BRUNSWICK Mayor James Cahill rebuked local organization Critical Mass actions following their monthly bicycle ride on Friday. Cahill was reported to have said to aides, Those damn college students are not going to accomplish anything with their riding. I m not putting in bike lanes and that is that. Cahill claimed that bicycle lane installation would prove to be too costly to the city and would not alleviate traffic problems, as Critical Mass and other alternative transportation activists claim. People love their cars; they don t care about the environment or about air quality when they are sitting in their automobiles. It is hard to envy the bikers, even in traffic, when it is too cold or hot out, which is most of the time, continued Cahill. Cahill laughed when he was told that Rob Roesener, a New Brunswick resident, in Monday s Daily Targum said, Bikes are not just a means of recreation, but also a means of transportation. Bikes are slow and don t have air-conditioning or heat. Bikes are dangerous as drivers tend to not yield to them. Bikes are not a viable alternative to driving or taking the bus, said Cahill. He also claimed that when he drives, he attaches a higher point value to cyclists than to pedestrians. For Pete s sake, we don t even have any national, state or local laws that consider bikers bonafide pedestrians. Legally, they are supposed to abide by all the same laws that walkers are. I should arrest all those alternative transportation people for riding on the sidewalk! Cahill s aides inform The Medium that he requested that the police department begin enforcing no vehicular traffic rules with regard to bicycles. The NBPD has yet to respond to the request, but are expected to ignore it, much like most of Cahill s requests, because they tend to contradict their own actions.
Warning: The following is not, strictly speaking, news. It is not objective. Were I to attempt to stay objective, I would be promoting ignorance. I chose to have slanted journalism rather than useless journalism. When he was first diagnosed in March of 1996 with AIDS an AIDS related type of cancer, his viral load was at roughly 12,500 copies/mL. After aggressive use of chemotherapy and the now standard combination treatment to combat the AIDS, the cancer receded and the viral load dropped to undetectable levels. When the treatments first began, like many AIDS patients, he was having problems keeping down the drug cocktails. After trying nearly every anti-nausea agent, including the synthetic THC drug Marinol®, he tried marijuana. Where others had failed, marijuana was nearly one hundred percent effective. McWilliams could, with marijuana, retain the combination therapy pharmaceuticals, and remain a fully functioning member of society.
Peter McWilliams Part of his bail-posting agreement after being arrested during the summer of 98 included a clause that said he could not use marijuana for any reason until after the trial was completed. Since then his health has faded. Since Mr. McWilliams stopped using marijuana at the end of last August, his nausea has been uncontrolled increased dosages of Marinol® and numerous other anti-nausea prescriptions...have failed to stop the vomiting, says Dr. Daniel Bowers, M.D., McWilliams physician. On September 15, 1999, Mr. McWilliams presented these new circumstances (including a viral load exceeding 25K copies/mL) before the District Court and requested an order from the court, removing the discretionary condition of release, No Marijuana Usage. That request was denied. McWilliams appealed, citing the infamous IOM report (that found that marijuana has medicinal benefits, among
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LOS ANGELES Next Tuesday, November 16, Peter McWilliams trial is expected to begin before a closed courtroom. His crimes are detailed in a nine count, forty page Federal indictment, and can be succinctly described as a conspiracy charge and eight possession and/or intent to distribute charges. The conspiracy charge is the significant charge as the quantities described in the latter eight are of little consequence, legally speaking. The conspiracy charge claims that McWilliams knowingly and intentionally planned to manufacture, possess, and distribute marijuana, and that he was successful in doing so. The Federal government claims that McWilliams paid others to grow marijuana, and that he distributed it. To show that such a conspiracy existed, the Federal government outlined 182 overt acts committed by McWilliams and his alleged co-conspirators. These overt acts include payments made to the alleged coconspirators (McWilliams is a publisher, and the individuals cited are authors to whom he paid book advances, etc.), the purchasing of gardening equipment, the leasing of a Lexus, and observed activity by surveillance teams such as defendants [having] watered numerous marijuana plants at the Stone Canyon residence. Why has the Federal government decided to descend upon McWilliams in particular? On July 29, 1997 the Drug Enforcement Agency arrested Todd McCormick, one of McWilliams writers and co-conspirators, for growing marijuana (this was the first medicinal marijuana arrest since California s Proposition 215 passed in November of 1996). McWilliams responded with an extensive PR campaign that made the DEA appear very foolish (McCormick was not, as the DEA claimed, planning on selling any of the plants on the open market; nor was he even breaking any California laws). The DEA retaliated with an assortment of intimidation tactics (ransacking his home and workplace after handcuffing him to a chair; planting a virus on his computer; placing tracking devices on his Lexus; impounding his car to revoke his lease; etc.) without the expected results. Although McWilliams became financially ruined through the ordeal, he continued to fight for the medicinal marijuana cause. So the DEA arrested him on the aforementioned charges on July 23, 1998. Why is Peter McWilliams such an advocate for the medicinal marijuana cause? He is a user. Peter McWilliams has AIDS.
DJ LACEYOURDRINK on the one’s and two’s
Get your groove on in three puke filled rooms reaking of body odor from our testosterone filled bodies
STD
Ladies under 21 recieve a free from one of our rapists brothers
Guys: don t bother coming b/c if we let you in it will ruin the chances of our pathetic asses to score.
Ladies must all look the same: black booty pants and a cheap tube top Guys must wear a dirty old hat with a scrapped brim and abercrombie and fitch t-shirt
Yahoo Serious Dies at 34
NEWS
naziphallus@hotmail.com
Jesus is depicted here discussing the latest issue of The Medium with his father. You should too. The Medium is fun for the whole family.
Wednesday, November 10, 1999
By Amanda Hoffman MEDIUM STAFF students charged the bus driver and jerked the wheel free from his hands. A former simmering discontent amongst Cook students about the recent changes to their commuter sped the bus through confused traffic toward Route 18. Following the old beloved bus routes erupted into a ways, they maneuvered through the towering inferno, destroying Bob Spears’ Riverside condos, up New Street, down hopes for a peaceful resolution along with the rest of George an ill-fated EE bus. Street, running red It began after th lights and honking 4 period on Friday. at pedestrians just Tom Green, a sopholike the old EE bus more Animal Sciences drivers had. They major distraught over soared down the recent loss of his Nichol and Lipman. favorite bovine They muscled the companions, stood in bus around to the the cold autumn rain, stop on Dudley waiting for the bus that Road, and cheering never came. Witnesses brought it to a say his shivering and screeching halt. chattering grew into a fever pitch when the Much of Cook/Douglass was F passed for the second time. “He was deserted, as usual, except for a few EPIB mumbling over and over, saying stuff like, students studying for exams and a few ‘It was never like this before the Fx bus’ first-year students still puking their and that the Fx route was just a way to College Avenue revelries the night before. ‘appease spoiled Rutgers College StuBut the silence made the sounds of dents that had class in Hickman Hall,’” destruction louder. Cook students that said a tall, red-headed, snazzy dressing, had seen the valiant efforts of Tom and his Douglass College junior majoring in minions began to dance and sing around Psychology and Women’s studies, who the reclaimed bus. But asked to remain unidentified. Students their frolicking would close to him began to sway along with the take an ugly turn. A meter of his mumbling, chanting with him, expressing the despair they have felt since friendly agent of Parking and Transportation, who the bus routes were changed. The rain had been giving out his began to fall harder as the EE came down usual quota of pretty red College Ave. The students were in a rage, parking tickets, called for knowing their bus would first have to back-up when he saw make the trek through downtown, dodge the EE bus deviate from the geese around the Passion Puddle, and its new path. A squadtake the tour of Corwin before bringing ron of ParkTran meter maids came upon them to their beloved bus stop, only a the scene, digital ticket doo-hickies drawn. short hike from their warm and mostly dry They attempted to board the bus and rooms. But they boarded the bus silently, stewing as the rickety bus bounced toward the discount cobblestones, to dodge shoppers and jaywalkers on the long ride down George Street. But as the bus crossed Albany Street, Tom jumped from his seat and called his army to its feet. The Cook
By Christopher Taylor NEW BRUNSWICK—Last Friday, the MEDIUM STAFF MELBOURNE—Famed thespian Yahoo Serious died last Thursday of a heroin overdose in his Melbourne home. He was 34 years of age, and is survived by his wife Carla Serious. Yahoo Serious was born Greg Pead in a lower-income suburb of Sydney in the summer of 1965 to parents Joanne and Robert Pead. As a youth, Pead worked in local theatre, supplementing his income with the occasional odd job, including a brief stint on a low-rated UHF television show, “Happy Go-Lucky.” When Pead directed, wrote, produced, “did his own stunts,” and starred in the monumental feature film, 1988’s Young Einstein, for which he saw a return of slightly more money than he had originally invested, he was billed under the name Yahoo Serious, as he was thereafter known. Shortly before the film’s release, Pead legally changed his name to Serious and moved in with future wife Carla Peabody, a resident of Melbourne. When the film’s initial earnings fell below Serious’ expectations, he moved to Melbourne, where he and Carla were married. Young Einstein, described by NYC film critic Jared X as “a tender coming of age story,” marked Serious’ first internationally viewed work. He followed up the box-office smash Einstein with a slightly less notable Reckless Kelly, in which Serious wore a trashcan atop his head. “We still got some laffs outa it but not as much as EINSTEIN,” said Jakeroo, an “Arkansaw” movie buff. Serious, after the lack of success of Kelly, began to gather a drug collection that would put Hunter S. Thompson to shame. “His love for Carla faded as his love for heroin grew,” said friend and co-author of his films David Roach. When 1999 arrived with the usual bells and whistles, Serious experienced what Carla described as “an eye-opening overdose.” After his near-death experience, Serious’ actions were seriously altered, according to Roach. Serious went in to rehab for several months and again began to seriously consider another film. The new production, tentatively titled Mr. Accident, began production this year and was scheduled to be released next March. Serious reportedly “felt good about this one,” and was eager to show its dailies to unsuspecting passers-by. Sadly, however, Serious never
ATTENTION PROFESSORS Do you like The Medium? Are you interested in becoming a faculty advisor for The Medium for the Spring semester?
Contact Editor-in-Chief AmandaHoffmanat amandah@eden.rutgers.edu bring it back on track. The students refused to let their bus fall back into evil hands and pushed the parking officers back with their heavy environmental science textbooks. Suddenly, a crude explosive device filled the bus with flames. Outraged, the Cook students began tearing down the sawhorses by the parking lot and feeding the flames. The horse patrol charged on the scene and the rioting Cook students scattered into the wilds of Neilson Dining Hall. All that was left was the empty shell of a once proud EE, crying the last of its transmission fluid onto the cold asphalt. If you have any information on Friday’s riot, or any comments on the restructured EE and F routes, you are strongly urged to contact Parking and Transportation at parktran@rci, where your complaints will most likely be ignored.
The Bill of Rights A Ten Week Series
Come Join The Medium Meetings at 9:30 PM, Wednesdays in LSC 113
finished Mr. Accident. The second overdose of last Thursday was one from which he did not discover. Commented film critic Gene Siskel, “His presence in the film industry will be surely missed. Not since the antics of the likes of Mel Torme, Mel Brooks or Mel Smith have we seen such comedic genius. It’ll be good to see him again, though. Assuming he doesn’t go to heaven…hehehe.”
Week Five
It has been shown with startling frequency that the citizens of the United States of America often are not aware of, or do not understand, the implications of our Constitution. Therefore, in a weekly series, The Medium is proud to present, the United States Constitution s first ten amendments, also known as the Bill of Rights, in sequential order.
Amendment 5: No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
FEATURES
gmg42@eden.rutgers.edu
Wednesday November 10, 1999
Quiz: What profession is right for you?
by Bill Freely “I pledge allegiance to the staff of the Mason Gross School of the Arts and to the beaurocracy for which it stands, one institution, under #%$^@*&! with long lines, red tape, and injustice for all!”
By Erica McCormick Are you confused about what you want to do after college? Screw Career Services and take this quiz which will match up your personality with the professions right for you! 1) It s Thursday night, you have a big calculus midterm second period tomorrow, and you haven t started studying yet. Just as you re breaking out the books, your cool buddy swaggers by and informs you of a kick ass party going on at his frat house tonight. You: a) Are ecstatic. You can t wait to get drunk and fuck your brains out. b) Cringe. Being the loner that you are, you hate parties. c) Think, I really should study. But I want to be cool so I ll go. Is d) Bash his shitty face in. If you re not gonna have fun tonight, neither is he! e) Shake your head regretfully. You have to keep up your 4.0 GPA.
ODE TO MASON GROSS
Disputing Facts from Myths;
this the kind of work you want to do? A closer look at the Mostly GrossSmelling Assholes
-There are no Julliard complexes -BA’s get all the lead roles -There are no midgets (good god, why?!-ed.) -We do not cut throats -We are not exclusive -There are no superiority complexes -Our professors have never made sexual jokes (too bad-ed.) -There have never been staff3) You really want to get picked for the TART committee. You re at the interview and your interviewer is being student affairs, especially in the a jerk. He keeps making fun of your friends. You: blackbox theater (why the hell a) Smile and take his mind off your friends by complimenting his trendy hair. not? They’re very pleasurable-ed) b) Leave. You don t want to be a part of the TART committee if it means dealing with assholes like this guy. -We never fuck over any instruc) Join in with him, snickering at your loser friends. mental department d) Tell him not to diss your friends or you ll punch his cock-sucking face in. -There are no blow jobs in the e) Are on your best kiss-up behavior so you skillfully veer the conversation in another direction. dean’s office (that’s just sad-ed) -There are no sheep in the green 4) It s a beautiful day outside. A couple yards away, an extremely annoying person from your dorm that you room (What about goats?-ed) don t like gives you a friendly wave. You: -Jury grades do not depend on a) Stop to talk to him and act friendly. b) Don t see him. You re so inspired by the weather that you decide to compose a poem in your head. whether the staff “got some” last c) Ignore the bitch as you swagger coolly past him. night d) Scowl and threaten to bash his bitch ass face in if he doesn t shut his fucking mouth. -Our middle name is not Welch e) Nod in acknowledgement but then rush on by- so many things to do, so little time! -Acting students have never been kicked out their senior year Now add up your number of answers for each letter. If you don t have a -The marching band is highly majority of answers for one letter, you will die before you graduate college. If regarded by the music departyou do have a majority, read on. ment (as fat ass motherfuckersed.) Mostly A s -THE DOG - You are fucking pathetic!!! You are so insecure that -Non-visual arts majors can take you re always seeking to be loved and appreciated by others. You ll do anything to get people to like your pathetic whiny self. Sometimes you appear any art courses they want, caring on the outside, but it s all fucking fake. Since you often devote including graphic arts (or yourself to satisfying other people s needs, the perfect professions for you mangina-ed.) would be: WHORE, HOUSEWIFE/HOUSEHUSBAND, GOVERNMENT INTERN -All stundent-run acting groups are treated as equals Mostly B s - THE FREAK - You are fucking pathetic!!! One look at your freaky -All BA’s and BM’s were created self and people burst into snickers because you re such a fucking loser! You equal are a wannabe individualistic individual with an overwhelming need to -We are dedicated towards Do you like sleeping on the job? express your pathetic self. Few people understand you and you often feel providing an encouraging emotionally isolated, you anti-social freak! The perfect professions for you Be a crack whore! environment for learning would be: STRUGGLING MUSICIAN, STRUGGLING WRITER, STRUGGLING ARTIST -Our students rank among the Mostly C s - THE FOLLOWER - You are fucking pathetic!!! You are an insecure conformist who can t think for happiest in the nation him/herself and always conforms to peer pressure. You wuss!!! You are indecisive and have difficulty making (you’re a stank bitch. Shut the your own decisions so you rely on others. Frat bitches and sorority sluts often fall into this category. The fuck up!-ed.) perfect professions for you would be: FOOT SOLDIER, REPUBLICAN, STRIPPER 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 Mostly D s - THE BULLY - You are fucking pathetic!!! You feel an overwhelming need to dominate your environ- 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 ment. Aggressive and controlling, you love a good fight. In other words, you are a fucking asshole that nobody 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 This is the way. likes. You obviously have problems stemming from a traumatic childhood. You often engage in open displays 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 of anger and force. The perfect professions for you would be: PIMP, NEW BRUNSWICK COP, TERRORIST 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 Mostly E s - THE OVER-ACHIEVER - You are fucking pathetic!!! You want to be loved for your achievements 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 because you are afraid of failure. Too bad for you that your obsession with success and competitiveness will 123456789012345678901234567890121 cause you to fail at everything you do because you are a worthless piece of shitty ass. You have an ugly face. 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 Step inside. 123456789012345678901234567890121 The perfect professions for you would be: VIDEO STORE CLERK, SHOE SHINER, GAS STATION ATTENDENT 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121 2) You re with two of your friends. One of them is a conservative Republican. She thinks tattoos are disgusting and stupid. The other is a punk with a bleached mohawk. He thinks tattoos are a cool form of misunderstood art. Suddenly, in the middle of a heated argument, they turn to you and ask for your opinion. You: a) Agree that tattoos are dumb. But when mohawk man glares at you, you change your mind and say tattoos are cool. But when Republican bitch gives you a dirty look, you throw up your hands and stammer, Um..they re a disgusting and stupid form of cool misunderstood art! b) Discuss your favorite designs with your punk friend. c) Don t want to seem like a freak so you proclaim, Tattoos are gay! d) State your opinion and then convince both of them to agree with you. e) Say, Who the fuck cares about tattoos? And then you start talking about the new organization you joined.
Wednesday November 10, 1999
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Heart of Busch by John Minus Captain Hetero begins his search for the dangerous rogue Professor Julia Zellwigger. Melissa is currently enjoying her vegatable status by re-living one of her past lives, guided by her avatar. “I love the smell of Hello Kitty in the morning.” The B bus drops me off in front of the Busch student center…a seedier dive has never scarred the face of Mother Earth. Pharmacy and Chem majors strapped for cash play at being drug dealers, peddling badly made opium and crack in the darker corners of the food court. Cheap Korean whores decked out in the latest designer jeans and little plastic Japanese crap sell their bodies to stressed out virginal engineers. Pathetic Bio majors, dirty and ragged from spending sleepless nights studying scurry about, hoping to score their next fix of amphetamine-laced Surge to keep them going till their next exam. Lawrence’s words floated back into mind “You can buy anything there…Love, Loyalty…Heaven, Hell, and everything in between.” I was there as myself, Johnny Taurus, so as not to attract as much attention as I would As Het…course, Johnny Taurus is a celebrity too, but for different reasons. I was to meet my guide there, a Chinese guy named Ping, who would lead me to the building where Prof. Zellwigger was holed up. I was supposed to meet him in the graduate study room, but I didn’t know where it was. So I went up to the information desk and asked the calm looking Vietnamese guy at the desk where the room was. “WHO YOU! WHAT YOU WANT!” “Um…excuse me?” “LOOK YOU STUPID BLACK MAN! YOU NO STAND HERE WITH YOUR BIG LIPS HANGING OPEN! YOU WASTE MY TIME! NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!” “Oh…” Johnny struggled to not kill this man. “Well, in that case I just wanted to know where the Graduate Study Room is.” “IT DOWN THERE.” He stabbed a finger down the hallway behind him on the left. “YOU GO NOW! YOU HERE 5 MINUTES, YOU GO NOW!” “Thank you.” I looked at his
nameplate…Chi Lin Chou…I made a point to remember to kick his ass the next time Het was on Busch *** Melissa is busy taking a time out from living, breathing life to take a field-trip through one of her past lives. Right now she is inhabiting the body of one Lord Valoran. “Lord Valoran, your troops have the pagans on the run!” The tall ,blonde, handsome, muscular etc. Lord Herbert Valoran of Normandy looked out triumphantly over the bloody wasteland that had hours before been a beautiful countryside in the center of Romania. Lord Valoran’s armor was liberally decorated in the blood of his foes, he himself only suffering small cuts ands scrapes from various slings and arrows. “Truly, the Lord’s work has been done today. Only He could have given me the strength I needed to brutally slay and violently take the lives of so many heathens. He and my wondrous weapon Lunar Sword that I created with mine own hands.” As he said this he raised his pale-blue sword to the sky to let sun glint off of it’s strange metal and drying blood. It was obviously not the creation of the average blacksmith. “Is that not the Lord’s truth Aedria?” A devastatingly beautiful Greek woman strode up next to him,. wiping fresh blood from her sword. “Yes my love, you were wonderful today. But we must prepare, we have much to do tomorrow…and tonight.” She kissed him lightly so as not to give the men suspicion; the same men who knew damn good and well that Lord Valoran was nailing the former slave on a nightly basis. A common joke amongst Lord Valoran army was that Aedria’s official position was Squire, but her most often assumed position was doggystyle. “We decimated the forces sent against us today, but we still need to kill more people if we are to truly help the Byzantine army. I mean, your…hehehe, “sword” tastes my sweet love every night, but if my blade and shield do not taste more blood tomorrow, then you will
FEATURES
experience a drought you will not much like at pimp mode now. “I just wanted to know if you all. could provide my friend here with a date. “Point taken my love, I’ll be sure to He’s awful lonely.” I brought Ping forward, maneuver their men towards our waiting and the ho looked him over. swords. But now, it is time for you to fulfill “Hm…OK, I take him for thirty your position.” dorra. *** “Thirty?!? Honey I could get him a I looked to my right and saw an ho on College Ave for $5. Now seeing as how arcade…more than the usual games were beingyou’re such a pretty young thing, I’d say you played. I watched as two men passed a were worth three times that much.” What revolver back and forth across a table, after woman can resist the full charm of Captain putting it to their heads and pulling the trigger. Hetero? “Fifteen huh? OK” she finally said, I moved on. I found the Study room on the left. “I take him for $15, but only cuz you such a I stepped into a moodily lit, smoke filled room. nice guy.” Fat, greasy Grad students were getting blow “Much obliged baby, much obliged. jobs from undergrad sorority whores imported Go ahead Ping my man, have at her…I even from College Ave. Ping was serving drinks, think she takes Knight Express.” Ping was when he could tear his eyes off of the various ecstatic. white girls paying lip service to the Grad “Thank you, thank you Johnny. I students. They played poker for money and neva forget this I mean it! You my numba one weed. One of the bodyguards, a slimy looking OK guy!” Nothing made Johnny happier than Korean in an Italian suit, stopped me at the getting another man some pussy. He was door. “You want something here, man?” about to go pound some manners into that “Yeah, I came for Ping over there.” uppity info desk guy when a sweet voice from “Hm…ok, take him. He’s your behind him changed his mind. problem now. He’s about to get himself killed “Ummm…excuse me…but you no too boku anyway. Horny bastard can’t keep his hands for me.” Johnny turned around and saw a off the Grad student’s hoes.” phat-assed, big-titted, slim-waisted, Japanese The bodyguard wasn’t kidding. Ping girl shyly giving him a “fuck me now” look was one horny bastard. “Hey, you good (which isn’t as hard to do as it sounds). rooking guy, You think you get me some pussy Johnny was instantly hard. “Well baby, you yeah? I make it worth your while yeah? Ok?” see, I don’t usually have to pay for it.” I took him back to the Undergrad “Oh, thas ok…this week I have Reading room. I’m a full two feet taller than special…free sample for big cock.” Johnny him, so of course, I got all of the attention. I was extra hard now. He picked her up and went up to one of the prettier ones, but before I the four of them went into their “office”, the could begin negotiations she said “UH-UH. women’s bathroom. Cap was about to sample Me no take soul brotha…too boku, it hurt, me Busch’s greatest natural resource…the asian small girl. No way Jose.” whores. “True as this is, your protestation is misguided sweet thing.” Johnny was full into
12345678901234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456 Clarity by Brian C. Hauer Next week in The 12345678901234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456 earlier in the evening. The scene had died. Nothing but a few 12345678901234567890123456 Medium: The Impailer and I were sitting at the Plum St. Pub 12345678901234567890123456 stragglers and drunkards lingered in the street. Indecision and 12345678901234567890123456 drinking gimlets, waiting for our drug to come on. “You delusion fell over us. “Fuck,” I said. “Where the hell do we go 12345678901234567890123456 don’t get much clarity here do you”, The Impailer asked. now?” The Impailer looked at his watch, “Its 1:30.” “Hmmm…” I 12345678901234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456 “No not much at all,” I answered as I began to wet my 12345678901234567890123456 mumbled out. His eyes lit up as he looked behind me, “ The palette. We had been sitting there for all of fifteen Golden Rail, huh,” he stated while sniffing his nose. We headed in 12345678901234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456 minutes. I just got the feeling of euphoria. It ran deep in there for our last chance at a drink this evening. We had about 12345678901234567890123456 the pit of my stomach and into the back of my mind. I 12345678901234567890123456 three rounds before we were forced to leave. The climax of the 12345678901234567890123456 began to jolt and The Impailer said, “ Let’s go.” And we 12345678901234567890123456 insanity was falling (Cheap Shit), and we needed to get somefinished our drinks and left. Out on the street there was 12345678901234567890123456 where to comedown. 2:15am, the streets were lined with incoherent12345678901234567890123456 little happening. “Stimulation”, I said. “We need stimuladrunkards and violence was eminent in the air. “We’d better head 12345678901234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456 tion”. We walked down the street with postcard smiles of to a safe house,” I said. “Why?” The Impailer questioned. “Listen12345678901234567890123456 insanity as we headed for something to do. We stopped man, these Kats are ready for anything. You and I are feeling to 12345678901234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456 in at a friend’s house. There were all sorts of lingo spitting 12345678901234567890123456 good for violence right now.” Just as it was said some Fitch Kats that sat there and drank forties while The Impailer 12345678901234567890123456 pumpin’ swine threw words at us. They looked like a rough bunch,12345678901234567890123456 and I tried to be sociable without losing the grit that was the kind that would pack .38’s or maybe a Luger. This was not a 12345678901234567890123456 burning in our brains. After about forty-five minutes of 12345678901234567890123456 time for violence. The Impailer seemed eager to take advantage of 12345678901234567890123456 trying to act reasonably normal, The Impailer let out a 12345678901234567890123456 the violence but I convinced him to leave it (he is one prone to screech; “There goes my gun!” The quiet gathering got 12345678901234567890123456 violence). 12345678901234567890123456 even quieter as the stares burned into us. I stood there We walked down the street to head toward some calmer 12345678901234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456 seething inwardly in disgust at myself. The Impailer spit it venues. We could still feel the dope from the “E” as we drudged 12345678901234567890123456 out again; ”There goes my gun!” “Christ man,” I said. along the street striking up bullshit conversations with anyone 12345678901234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456 “What the fuck? Are you trying to get us killed?” He 12345678901234567890123456 we passed, trying to get philosophical at 3:45 in the morning The whole truth looked at me and smiled. “No way, its too tight in here. 12345678901234567890123456 with a head full or stupid madness. We decided to head toward 12345678901234567890123456 Tootight.” “You’reright,”Isaid,“Itistightinhere.” On Victory to catch a cab home. The waiting room was empty and 12345678901234567890123456 That note we exited and took to the streets were madness 12345678901234567890123456 and nothing but dead. I sat there staring mindlessly at the wall listening to some 12345678901234567890123456 could be concealed easily. 12345678901234567890123456 crap on the radio. The Impailer sat with his head in his hands 12345678901234567890123456 It felt like we had been walking for a long time. moaning. “Clarity”, I said. “There’s your fucking Clarity”. Our 12345678901234567890123456 the truth! The street was quiet and the general mood was passive. 12345678901234567890123456 cab showed up and we headed for the confines of home where 12345678901234567890123456 We aimed ourselves back to a house we had started out at 12345678901234567890123456 natural light would not touch us. (bite me-ed.)
ARTS & CULTURE
The Best Man I can Be ; the Biggest Group of BList R&B Singers Ever! The song Best Man I Can Be by (from top to bottom) Ginuwine, Tyrese, R.L., and Case, may feature the most second-rate R&B singers in one place ever. Now don t get me wrong, I really like that song. I was jusy amazed by how many goodbut-notgreat singers there are out now. There s Chico DeBarge, and Donelle Johnson, and Montell Jordan, and Joe...the list is endless.Now, Joe is different because he actually is a good singer. But the rest are just mediocre and really indistinguishable from each other. I think there should be some limit on how many sound-alike singers can h a v e records out at one time. Or we could make them all join one group;call them B-List , or better yet, A Little Better than Average Boys No Lie! Straight from the beautiful island of Puerto Rico it s . Boricua Barbie! Don t believe me? Go to http://barbie.com/ collectors/pshow/pshow_h/h_16754c.html Apparently these dolls are very popular in Perth Amboy for some reason...
STD’S....Gotta Catch ‘em All
WEDNESDAY November 10, 1999
THE MEDIUM POKEDEX Penisaur
Number: 155 Type: Genital Height 2 m Weight: 100 kg
The Penisaur is a Genital Pokemon. Penisaurs do not do well in the cold, for they shrink and become almost impotent. They do, however, get very excited at the prospect of fighting Vulvasaurs. Most of it s attacks spring from it s huge, dinosaur-ic penis. Female pokemon trainers insist that the bigger the Penisaur, the more powerful and effective are it s attacks. Male pokemon trainers, however, insist that it s not the size of the Penisaur, it s how you train him. Attacks: Jism Wave, Cock Slap, Piss Storm
Vulvasaur
Number 155 Type: Genital Height: 1.75 m Weight: 100 kg
Like the Penisaur, the Vulvasuar is a Genital Pokemon. However, it attacks with the giant vagina on it s back. It s attacks are deadly, but the Vulvasaur is known to be a moody pokemon, and will not always respond to commands as the trainer may want it to. Vulvasaurs are notoriously unpredictable, and may be in any of several types of mood when the time comes for battling. Most Vulvasaur LOVE Penisaurs, but fear the Lickalotapus. A few However, evolve into Lickalotapus for no explained reason. Once a month, Vulvasaur s attack power increases by three times, when the Red Tide Attack becomes available. Attacks: Pussy Whip, Poison Aroma, Clit Smash, Red Tide (only available once a month)
LickaLotapus Number: 153 Type: Lesbian Height 1.4 m Weight: 125
The Lickalotapus can be recognized by it s large tongue and the numerous pink triangles scattered all over it. They love fight-
ThunderCats, Hoes?
So, I was thinking...where did they get the money to build all their stuff? The Castle of Lions, the ThunderTank. These things aren t cheap. But it seems like the Thundercat s always had money to build new stuff. Where did It come from? Ho in if you ask me. I say they were pimping out Cheetara to every spacesailor who came along. But she wasn t alone. It s a well known fact that Tigra was a crackhead, and there s only one sure fire way to get Crack money-Hoin. Besides, anybody can tell by looking at him that he enjoys taking it in the rear. Well, that s my theory anyway.
Sword Of Omens, Pawned for Crack?
Jenna Jameson says drop your cocks boys and send music and movie articles to heterofrenzy@hotmail.com Now I know it may be hard for you to stop jerking off while watching my pornos, but if you do a good enough job you can play with me when you re done. Not in person of course...why would I want a loser like you? ing in geral but love fighting Nidoqueen s and Vulvasaur s especially. Although powerful, the Lickalotapus has proven to be exceptionally hard to breed. Only rarely do you find a pokemon trainer who can breed Lickalotapus.There is a rumor that they are the final evolutionary stage of the Vulvasaur. Attacks: Toungue Lash, Butch Bash, Tongue Tie
Wednesday, November 10, 1999 to the two girls who thought the t1 band is hot, we love you! we love all women! and enjoy fellatio. come introduce yourselves when we practice. P.S. who is hotter ed(singer) mike(bassist) or fat mark(big guitarist)? Shane has a girlfriend(shane is the BLACK/chinese/ nativeamerican/indian/scottish/ italian/irish/belgian/german/ spanish one)- T1 band(jamaican rock and roll) (Those two girls used to be men...) to the geeky dipshit on freling 6 stop trying to sleep in my girlfriend's bed with her when i'm not around. SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU, ASSHOLE!!! i know it'll be hard for a lanky brat with a 2 in. dick and no balls to get pussy but GET YOUR OWN FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!!! (her roommate thinks you're a prick too so don't bother) ps. you looked like a fucking homo as a stripper. (what guy doesn’t look like a fucking homo as a stripper?) To that sexy boy on Perry 2, ANDY....I want to tell you that i've been in love with you since high school, but i never told you...I figured college is different, and i guess it's time you knew. Your sexy body and sexy moves turn me on. I hear you're good in bed too... Maybe you can show me some moves. I would love it...YOU KNOW WHO I AM...if you want a peice too call me 3-(skullfuck). Ask for the Love Queen. (We don’t print phone numbers) to the hottie in plants and people (with the dragon): why do you have such a nice ass? can you please tell me why you have such a nice ass? (Ass implants...) To Peruvian Marvin the hottest guy on Busch...stop letting your freaky roomates analy rape you, we're cute and we're girls. you have a fluffy head. To the asshole that talked shit about the CLOTHEIR COMPUTER GUY...he's a nice guy...if your a girl your just jel that he gotta girl...and if your a guy your just jel that he won't ram it up you dumb ass...SO stop being a pussy and just wait till he has a chance to hook up your shitty ass computer! Little T and One Track Mike Are Famous. Yeah Shankbone. (Shut the fuck up...)
Worship your one true God: Chris Desarno.
To the girls bathroom on T2, why are you such a stupid, smelly, leaky whore? Why do you have to flood all the time? I HATE YOU!!! Next time you flood I'm going to fuck you up hardcore so watch-out. To one of the only two guys in the MWTH5 Elementary Italian class with Pell, you know who you are!!! You are sooo hot!!!!!!!!! (To the other guy: that’s got to fuckin suck being the only ugly guy in a class filled with women...hahaha) to eye brow girl of clothier 7... you are HIDEOUS and vomitenducing. wax those fucking animalistic eyebrows. you are a dirty whore so why don't you loosen up that tight ass bastard preceptor of clothier 3. HEY BTO, Your names may not be Mike, but we've known the original six of you for almost three years now, and you still haven't gotten with either of us! It's about time we became fuckbuddies!!! This invitation goes out to the new boys too!! Maybe you guys think that we're lesbians, but we're just waiting for you to make your move so we can stop petting our kittys! FILL UP OUR WANTON LOVE HOLES!! Love, your (favorite) (stupid) sluts (perhaps they’d be more interested if you were in fact hot lesbians...and not fat sluts with genital warts) WANTED: white female virgin willing to loose it to white male. $500 down, $500 on delivery. All transactions final. Respond via personals. (I guess we’re not doing our jobs well enough, we only got one piece of hate mail this week.) Sometimes, when I feel really stupid (which isn't often), I open a copy of the Medium and read the personals. Suddenly, I don't feel so stupid anymore. Apparently, the Medium's circulation consists of mostly 7th grade mentalities. Hmm, what a coincidence, so does the editorial staff! In conclusion I'd like to say that the Medium blows and I could obtain better reading material from wiping my ass. Thank you and good night. -JiNxX (I believe your name is spelled a-s-s-h-o-l-e) (Stupid whore...if you don’t like it, don’t read it. And stop hanging out with Mike Bagen, the kids a little fucker...)
(More Campbell 2 babble follows. It was funny at first, but now that we’ve soiled their reputation like a used tampon, lets find another group to bloody up...it’s getting old) Let's get something straight. The whores on Campbell 2 DO NOT look good. I live in Campbell, and I see those ugly sluts daily. Now about their reputation. At first I was skeptical. However, a week ago, I saw those girls at a party, and all my doubts were turned to reality. I never saw such great teamwork between a bunch of whores. It was like they were in competition. So, to all the guys wondering whether or not to make a run over to Campbell 2, maybe this will clear things up for you. You'll just have to do what every other guy does as they get head from them... just picture someone else. To the Campbell 2 sluts including the female co-president of campbell hall First I'd like to say that none of you look anything like the picture featured in the medium. Of course there are exceptions, but most of you are really just fat nasty sluts who need to feel loved so you go around offer people massages and suck their cocks. We know you sweat our preceptor, but he's way too good for your nasty dirty snatches and even your mouths. Keep your diseases off our floor. Our coochies are nice and clean compared to your used stretched out huge disgusting tuna-scented VULVAS! Fuck all you fagot hockey players. You dare try to charge me 3$ for a fuckin beer at one of your wack ass parties. I would rather go to one of the bands party's, they probally pull more bitches anyway. So the next night your all circle jerking thinking about how little you cocks are, remember this: FUCK YOU!! (how clever) (The band is fat...) To the girl who dressed up in a lobster hat for Let's Make a deal on Cook. YOU ARE FAT! I honestly hope you don't wear those pants around campus. You must wonder why everyone points and stares. You could see every crevice and wrinkle of celulite on your ass and hips. Please do Cook a favor and never, EVER, wear those pants again. P.S. I understood the red face and sweater, but I never realized lobsters had big FAT ASSES!
To the F route bus driver Thank you so much. The other day I was caught in the rain and hopped on your bus. Seeing that all of the riders, including me were wet and misrable, you skipped your break and took us back to our dorms as quickly as you could. Thanks so much. We all appreciate a smiling face early in the morning. (Fucking asshole..he skipped his break so others had to wait in the rain for the next fuckin bus because he wasn’t there waiting...) To that hottie Steve from the south tower sixth floor on Livingston. You're the sexiest guy I've seen at this school. Your big blue eyes are mezmorizing. I watch you from afar and picture our bodies close, touching, your sweat dripping on to my stomache, the spanking, whipping, sceaming for more. i want to give you the kinkiest experience on record at Rutgers yet and that you'll never forget. meet me at Scott 123 november 15 and I'll call you daddy. (Steve is gay, move on...) To that smelly fuck John in Davidson A, take a fuckin shower! You smell like my nutsack after a 4 hour game of football!! If you don't change those fucking clothes after reading this, watch out for the 12inch strap on!!!! And another thing, you can't sing for your life, so skullfuck you! ps- i love monkeys slutbitch To all the fellaz in the basement floor of house 33...you guys fuckin rawk..I want all of your cocks. To the "simultaneous lovin'" chef and his sexy ass roommate in Voorhees 2: I am lying here in my little white nightgown, listening to Gloria Estefan, thinking about you. I can't stop thinking of you both naked, and riding my horse Amtrak bareback. Can't you just hear the slapping or your naked buttocks against the horses back? Ooh, I am getting the chills! Come sneak across the hall and warm me up. I'll suck on your chocolate salty balls while whistling Dixie. HOw 'bout it guys?? love, the horse queen Shouts to the Basement Krew. Pillsy, Mike, Deigo, Pat, Dave Arty, Brian, Randy, Cyrus, and Don...nothin beats a wed. night with our forty’s, and shorty’s. Shouts to elaine, and my baby. you know who you are....
PERSONALS To our roommate in Newells: Thank God you stopped screwing that Cheap ass Jewboy. You deserve so much better than that frothy green discharging scanky herpes- infested kosher breath thing. No more crusty cum in our shower from the the butt fucking. Too bad we put holes in all your condoms, soon there will be a jew baby. Now you can find someone who is good in the sac so you don't have to fake all those orgasms. This is to Stephen, the Preceptor in Davidson C. YOU'RE A HOMO. NOBODY LIKES YOU. AND FUCK YOUR COED FRAT. YOU WALK LIKE A PREHISTORIC APE. YOU COME OUT AND TELL US TO GO TO SLEEP CAUSE YOU TELL US WE'RE LOUD. FUCK YOU. WE'LL BE AS LOUD AS WE WANT. THE NEXT TIME YOU BOTHER US WE'LL RAPE YOU UP THE ASS WITH YOUR 12 INCH DILDO. YES, WE KNOW YOU HAVE ONE. (The author of this personal has a very small penis offset by very large testicles...) to the girl who left her sneakers on the LX bus about three weeks ago (it was a thursday), i have them. if you want your sneakers back email me at pierre_cardin06@yahoo.com. thank you To the boys in Newell 85: Aaron and Wayne you guys are nice, but your roomates are fags. Army boy, your sergeant would be embarassed to see the way you act when you get busted... jumping from windows to not get in trouble. How can you be such a pussy and still be in the army? You must really take it up the ass a lot! Mike, you have to be the biggest dick on Cook (and I don't mean physically). Actually maybe you try to act so big and bad because you cock is so fuckin small! Give up the act loser because we know you don't have many friends. You should lose the bad ass attitude and maybe people wouldn't be so out to get you (especially in the ass like Marcello!) To Clothier 4 girls, next time you honies step into the shower with a towel, you may end up coming out without a towel ass naked. And, we will all be watching. You have been warned! Love, the towel bandits of Clothier 4. PS -- Munoz -- stop stealing all my Snapples or your towel will be next!!!!
PERSONALS to the stupid ignorant fucking whore who made the comments about south jersey outhouses. you are an ignorant loser. nobody uses outhouses anymore. north jersey people are the ones who run around so fast without any descency or manners. it was probably your fucking mother who couldn't bother to flush the toilet. grow up and get a little cultured you fuck. -south jersey This is to those two stupid Hershey Kisses Whores we saw slutting around all Halloween weekend. You two looked so fucking pathetic. My friends and I laughed at you two drunken cunts all night. What the fuck were you thinking when you bought them? We bet you sluts picked Hershey Kisses cause you like to rim each other's hershey holes. You two are another example of the fine quality of women here at Slutgers. (You’re mom...) todd graham, i love you. (If you could go out on a date with him every wednesday night between 9:30 and 11:30, that would be greatly appreciated..) To that hot ass dancer Liz on Vorhees 2, would you fuck my friend on your floor already? I get a hard on every time I see you, I can't imagine what he must go through every fuckin day when he sees your sweet pussy come out of your room. Then he tells me about when you walk through the halls in a towel with your tits practically hangin out. Stop being a fuckin tease and suck him off already. God you know you want to. Just knock on the door and give him a quick fuck, no big deal I'm sure you've done it before. (She had sex with yo’ daddy) Gay student who doesn't act like a flamer, 21 y.o., 6'0", about 215lbs, short dark brown hair, bluegreen eyes, clean. If you are looking for someone to have a serious relationship with, and you are sure you are gay and you don't act like a queen, email me at rutgersguy@mybytes.com. I just wanna give a big shout out to the KIWIS and THE BTG CREW, especially Kav, Mee Sun (Nissan), Alvin, Adrian (Shante)...Neena loves you all. :) I want to see yo @$$ framed on the wall at the Rutgers Club. Strap it on baby! And you can take that with you as you cum down the mountain!!!
I had sex with a goat. Dear Medium, I have a serious problem my fingers smell like puntang and I was just wondering if there is any kind of antipuntang smelling soap. One day I washed my hands 15 fucking times and the smell goes away for a couple of minutes and then comes back smelling all the more furious! Puntang is good but dang it be SHMELLY!! Signed Furious Fingers. P.S. I love anal sex with men. (Have sex with a rabbit...that should do the trick) ATTENTION: GIRLS WANTED!!! I SWEAR THEY TOOK ALL THE LEFT-OVER FREAKS AND GEEKS AND STUCK THEM IN ALLEN, NOW WE GOT NO REALLY DECENT ASS IN THIS BUILDING. DAMN, SERIOUSLY WE SHOULD START SOME KIND OF BABE-INTERNMENT PROGRAM IN ALLEN. SO IF YOU ARE TIRED OF THE JACKASSES ON COLLEGE AVE THEN COME ON BY. (This person sticks his finger up his ass in the shower) this is to my roomate's cum guzzling slut of a mother. why is it that every time this cocksmoking whorehound cums down to visit you at rutgers she has to be all up on my huge scrotum and long hard rod? i told her that it was a mistake fucking her because we breeded you and enough was enough. this rumanian slut has to learn some manners and go fuck some rabid gypsies. i really want to flog the living shit out of my nasty pocket monster when I read the articles about clits and tits in the Caellian thanks for the semi skin pics Medium we need more MORE MORE MORE my lynda carter blow up doll is begging for a break signed poontango (The author of that column is in all likelihood a 6’2” raging bulldyke with arms the size of a band member and a strap on twice as thick... I’d watch out if I were you) Well as a member of the Campbell 2 females...I find it kinda insulting that we are all labelled sluts. Its not like that! We are not all sluts but we are human and do have needs...so this is the point of my message if you are a hot male looking for a simple, playmate type relationship..please respond!
to that red headed cum guzzling skank that lives illegally on Tinsley 3...you smell like period pussy...call the fuckin fire department to clean out your herpes infested, fish smelling, 20 in wide, worn out cunt with a fucking hose..oh but you would probably like that cuz no one, not even that desperate immigrant midget down the hall from me would put his dick in you...your so fuckin annoying and busted...i hate ur slut ass...but all the guys from clothier 2,3,4,5 thank you for the complimentary blow jobs..BIATCH!! To that fuckin' slut Mindy on Katzenbach C, next time you feel the need to fuck a virgin keep your STD pussy away from Brian. Go back to your girlfriend and stay away from my men. Sex with a man is still cheating on your girlfriend. (yes but sex with a woman is not cheating on your man..especially if you videotape it) To those two goofy fucks, Mike and Jason who edit the personals, Your section sucks. Two retarded monkeys could be wittier than you (and they'd probably smell better). Everyone knows people only pick up The Medium to read What's Shakin' and I'm tired of carrying this paper. Either shape up or ship out, losers. Love, Chris DeSarno (Medium Staff) p.s. stop grabbing my ass -- that's sexual harassment and I don't have to take it ...
( I’m sick of living in your shadow. Everytime someone finds out I’m an editor for the Medium, they always ask me if I know that really hot Chris DeSarno. Can’t you just appreciate me for who I am and what I do?! I can’t take it any longer, if people don’t appreciate my work I’ll make them pay for it.. Once i get rid of your body which is already festering in my closet, i’m going after everyone i see reading What’s Shaking... that’ll learn ‘em!) To that psycho ho named Cheryl, in omega phi chi. When your man doesn't come to your place at night, quess who's pussy he is licking? This is an apology to the female co-president of campbell. Sorry about the harsh personal ad in this edition of the Medium. Things got out of hand.
Wednesday, November 10, 1999 to that fucking rude bitch on the EE thursday at 2:40. YOu are so fucking dumb. YOu don't push the button and you expect the driver to know you want to get off then you yell at him for not stopping. you should be immediately sterilized so you can't get knocked up and bring more morons into the world. Learn some fucking manners. To that hot asian guy Henry from 9th floor Easton Ave. I think you're cute as hell. I want to jump you everytime I see you on the elevator. I hope you don't have a girl and you better stop dissing me when you see me. Next time you see a girl staring at you in the elevator hit the emergency button and save me.... This is for all the guys who think that hippie chicks are dirty, ugly and definatly not sexual, take a closer look. They are MUCH MORE fun in bed AND out of bed than you would imagine. There are things under those patchwork dresses that you couldn't concieve in some of your wildest fantasies. Give them a chance and you'll be pleasantly surprised. (First of all, hippie chicks have hairy pits. Second of all, if there is anything under those dresses that’s going to surprise me, i don’t want to see it...) this goes out to the browny bandit that woke me up at 5A.M. a few thursdays ago. why are you throwing brownies at me? Do i know you? whats up with that? respond via the medium. oh yeah, TONY TILLETT GO SUCK A FAT ONE! to the fucking hotties that work at cook cafe....you know what we really want to eat! we want you to butter our muffins. we'll fire up the grill... we don't need no fucking heat. we'll fuck your shit right on the deli counter. we want to run our fingers through your spiked hair while you whip out your pickle.... we'll make a real sandwhich.....a fucking double decker. This goes out to the girl in interpersonal communication, Shut up. Thank you To that fucking pimple faced homosexual black plague who lives on Allen 2. You're a fag, stop following us everywhere we go. And get your head out of Matt's asshole cause he's getting kind of sore. (No pun intended.)
To those two skank-ass strippers I saw at Ohio State last Friday: I know there's no way you're going to read this, but something needs to be said about the display of horrible stripsmanship that was put on by the two of you. Sweet merciful crap, I don't think you could've been more disgusting if you tried. To the TA for Calc 152, section 16 (W 7, Scott 120, you know who you are): I feel I speak for the entire class when I say that you're doing an admirable job, especially considering the supreme incompetance of our lecturer and the sub-par hygeine habits of a certain peer mentor. (fuck you... - the peer mentor) Say what you will, if a football team goes 0-11 2 of 3 seasons, it's not the team, it's the program. To Dax, Shaun, Charlie, Roger, Lee, and the rest of the seniors, we know it sux to go out this way, but we're still with you. Dax & Shaun, thanks for the memories. Beware that short white guy on Busch. He's always goin' around like he's pissed off, mad, homicidal, or whatever. This dude scares me. If he starts wearing a black trenchcoat, stay the hell away from him. He's gone Section 8 or somethin'. (I think that’s Mike Bagen) To the guy who always wears sunglasses in Criminology MW6 on Livingston-you have been staring at me all semester!! Say something to me instead of staring all the time-you seem like a cool guy; what do you have to lose? Just try talking and see what happens. (translation: i want to have wild sex with you and fuck you in the ass with my strap on...then you can cum on my tits) To the asian dominatrix at AEP. You are so fucking sexy. Cum abuse me. handcuff me to your bed whip my ass till it's red. I'll do anything, lick your boots, worship your body with my tongue. Just let me see your pouty purple lips wrapped around my cock. And my cum shoot all over your tits. WANTED: LARGE QUANTITY OF BACON FOR ACTING OUT EROTIC "FOOD FANTASIES" CONTACT ROB AT QUAD 2
Wednesday, November 10, 1990
Twice the fiber and none of the cholestoral! You’ll be shitting for a week!
The Rules: 1) Send personals to medium_personals@email.com 2) Send administrative matters to mmolino@eden.rutgers.edu or jsp51@eden.rutgers.edu 3) Keep them to 50 words or less. 4) All submissions MUST either A) be sent from an official Rutgers email account (eden, remus, etc...) OR B) contain your full name and campus PO Box. This information is kept confidential -- dont ask for it. It will be disclosed ONLY to the proper authorities (i.e. law enforcement) if necessary to save our asses. 5) We don't print last names, room numbers, or phone numbers so dont even try it--not even if they're yours. 6) If you have a serious and legitimate complaint about particular personal ads, contact Editor in Chief Amanda Hoffman at amandah@eden.rutgers.edu. If you're just looking for some crack-cocaine, then email the_medium@hotmail.com (Shameless plug: I need to sell a Soloflex. For more information, go to http:// www.soloflex.com. The owner is willing to let it go real cheap. Email me at mmolino@eden.rutgers.edu.) To the fuckin assholes that think cause we go to douglass means we're dykes. Aren't you fuckin wrong, your the asses missing all the fun. We LOVE dicks. You already saw the show from the window, come to Katzenbach1 and get the real thing. Campbell ain't got nothing on us. (It’s not that all Douglass girls are dykes, but the ones that aren’t look like ass) To John on Cook - I hate your little Fu-Man Chu ass!! You think you're the next coming of Keanu Reeves, and that's fucking hilarious!! First off, you're ugly, you stutter, and you can't act. Maybe if you get those snaggle-teeth fixed and evolve a little, you might become a respectable part of society. It's not funny how many people you wierd out. You should be kicked out of housing and banished to the woods behind CCC with Todd. You two will be like Timon and Pumba. One last thing, if you think you're a marine, i hope we don't go to war soon, because it's scary to see what we have defending our country. WANTED- 3 hot girls who are pot heads and like to play video games. Please only if you are hot and smoke real trees- not dirt only kb's and above('dro, dank, northerns) and enjoy giving ass. It'd be nice if you have money too and like to spend that and less of ours. If you fufill all these requirements you just might have what it takes to be our hos. Please respond to 3 peaceful smokers who want (to take it up the) ass. (wanted: funny personal)
sometimes when im in person. psych MTH 2. i take out my dangley man and play puppet theatre with him and my sock puppet named tito and they play tug of war...tito usually wins because weird white stuff leaks of of the dangley mans head...i like personality's they are fun so are mohawks. (...so are bunnies and blenders.) To that dumb porkchop whore who is always on College Ave. Stop Fucking every guy you see you dumb slut ass bitch you are wasting my flavor, just fuck me all the time slut. If you aren't gonna fuck me go home and Fuck yourself you douchebag. To the girl that is constantly on the 2nd floor of the South tower: i would just like to say thanks, because do to you I now have nightmares every night about bald headed girls in puffy jackets with skullies and glasses on walking around whining about their school work and their sicknesses every God Damn day. Let me be the first to say that no one gives a fuck, and you should go die on the set of family matters with Carl, Laura, and the rest of the crew because you look like Steve Urkel. Stay in your own fuckin room, on your own fuckin floor, you fuckin fuck! I would just like to know if I'm the only one that witnesses the daily races between Michael Johnson and Carl Lewis? You know, the marathon from the Circle to Tillett that takes about 2 and a half hours? If anyone else does, respond to Go Carl Go at the medium. (You wear tight bicycle shorts to bed, don’t you...) FOR SALE: ONE BIG RED "CHILD-MOLESTOR VAN" CONTACT CHRIS AT QUAD 2
This goes out nick a.k.a woods, a.k.a bitter, we're tired of listening to your wanna be Jimi Hendrix guitar playing in the middle of the night. You couldn't entertain an audience of deaf lepers who were paid to clap. We are also tired of you trying to hide the fact that you love fat chicks. It's not just a hobbie anymore it's starting to become an obsession. Don't think that we don't smell them sneaking into your room at night. And you're bitter. to the sexy guy in my plants and people class with the dragon tatoo: why don't you ask me out on dates? ps- thanks for cutting your hair. and don't wear that puffy jacket, it doesn't look to good.
to sara from the north tower 6th floor, thank god you're fucking gone! you are the most annoying, dick hungry bitch in rutgers. maybe if you got a nose job( that went horribly wrong and cut off your fucked up head), shaved your upper lip( accidentally slitting your throat), and flushed your filthy pussy out(dear god, I just don't know what to say) someone would fuck you. we all wish you the best of luck in getting butt fucked in the near future. the 6th floor if you don't think we are polite, then fuck you up the ass with a 16 inch iron strap on wrapped in barbed wire. (you haven’t orgasmed in years, have you...) I am sick and tired of all those fucking losers sending personals asking pretty bithches to fuck. all those hoes on Cook/ Douglass will fuck and suck for free--all you gotta do is bring the dick. P.S. You could have them pretty bithches right after i cum
(Have you had sex with a farm animal? Then you qualify to write a personal!! Send all personals to medium_personals@email.com. If it’s funny, we’ll let you fuck a goat!)
PERSONALS to michelle with the massive breasts on hardenbergh 5:congrats on your award from the House. not many people could accomplish such a feat. it must be your good conversation and slim figure that has them inviting you back. that and your respect for brothers. congrats again and keep that frathouse checklist growing.....oh yeh and even after you shave your armpits they still look hairy To the 6 North Towers- Diesel Dike- quit walking around in your sports bra and your robe wet. You ain't shit but a ho. Do I have to holler- YOU AIN'T SHIT I would not bang you even if I was piss drunk. And to the pot head kids in the corner- Get A Life, you never do anything but smoke real trees, chronic leaves, no seeds. Oh and to that idiot who always screams for no reason sitting in his room by himself at all hoursShut Up. To that waste of cells, JAY, in clothier 6...Are you fucking gay?...a rectal ranger?...a butt pirate?...or fudge packer? Do you suck dick? are you a peter puffer? On top of being gay, you obviously took a nose dive off of the ugly tree...when me and my other girls see you we think of turning into fucking lesbians...
Do you like the Medium as much as Fran does? Then how about coming to a meeting - Wednesday night at 9:30 in the Livingston Student Center, Room 113. Stop humping my leg Fran.
The Medium is so good, it gave me an erection!
What’s Shakin’
CO
“Books? I heard about them once on MTV.”
CONTEST!!!
!!! T S E T N
What s funnier than toddlers on crack?
Wednesday November 10, 1999
CONT
EST!!!
I need a stalker. I asked for one for Christmas last year but my parents bought me a puppy instead (which just isn t the same). I had a real stalker once but she just didn t try I have a feeling she was stalking someone behind my back... Sad, I know. Everyone knows that the real mark of success in this country is having a stalker. I need that ego-booster. So, if you re an obsessive girl with a thing for computer nerds who resemble a young Brad Pitt please email DESARNOC@EDEN to become the official What s Shakin Editor Stalker Dare to dream!
Happenings
Absolutely nothing. TWO SEXIEST WORDS: HUNGARIAN POETRY Gabor G. Gyukics, Hungarian poet and literary translator, will read from his latest book of poetry Last Smile, and other translations from Hungarian ... Sunday, November 14, 4 pm @ the Hungarian Heritage Center 300 Somerset St., New Brunswick NOTHING SAYS LOVIN LIKE HUNGARIAN POETRY
College Ave Players present The Doctor in Spite of Himself (directed by Rikki Fields) Nov 12/13 -- Scott 135, 8pm $4 w/ RU ID, $5 w/o Today s the day. Apeman will be appearing pantless on Livinston! yee-haw!#@
Come to and tel Medium Mee tings lu to stick s your plan it Wedne to the man .. . sday, 9 :30, Rm LSC .113
Friday, 11/12 good advice: if you get a stripper back to your house, insist that the woman you live with who claims to be your mom is actually an insane cleaning lady ...
EVENT: Me and Mike (personal’s editor) will be going to a strip club this friday. If anyone (male or female) would like to come along email desarnoc@eden or mmolino@eden
Saturday, 11/13 Court Tavern Instant Death TV Sound True Love The Melody Bar Doc Hopper
Court Tavern Binge Not From Oklahoma Phillips Head The Melody Bar John Vicharelli Peekabuddha
Send events to desarnoc@eden
Steal me before I am distributed.