11/15/00

The Entertainment Weekly of Homemade Cranberry Sauce

S EVERED H EADS A REN T C LEARLY D EAD

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Wednesday, November 15th, 2000 I can’t tell the difference between my belly button and navel.

4/3/01, 1:24 AM

Volume XXXII Number 10

Garrett goes from 0 to Pervert in 2.3 seconds ...

EDITORIALS

Dubya the President? Feminists Unite!

Wednesday, November 15th, 2000

Volunteerism: America’s Cindy likes Trademark soccer ...

by Eric J Baker

by Christopher Taylor Are you concerned about Potential-President Bush replacing retiring Supreme Court Justices with reactionary abortion-hating letter-of-the-law constitutionalists? Sure you are. The holding of important pro-choice decisions like Roe v. Wade may be in jeopardy. We may lose the right to abort unborn fetuses in some capacity with as few as one Christian conservative replacement.

There is hope.

There is currently enough support in this country for a—gasp— constitutional amendment! The brilliantly malleable document upon which our legal system is based is ripe for adjustment, with an important right like abortion maintained by a tenuous 5-4 majority.

Amend!

Then our children, and our children’s children will have the unquestioned right to dispose of unwanted, uninvited pre-beings without restrictions.

A willingness to help others in times of need is one of the celebrated traditions of American life. We have a great history of volunteerism… “pitching in” if you will… to help out our families, friends, neighbors, and even total strangers. The task could be as monumental as digging survivors out of a collapsed building after an earthquake, or as simple as visiting a lonely person in a hospital or nursing home to let him know somebody cares. It is in the spirit of this great American tradition that I make the following offer.

If anyone out there, man or woman, is able to invent a bullet-proof, seethough plastic superhero uniform with shoulder-mounted missile launchers (a la Predator) and titanium pincher claws, I’m willing to assume a superhero identity and put it on. I promise wear it faithfully, every night, righting wrongs and defending freedom until my very last ounce of crime-fighting energy is spent. Roaming the streets of New Brunswick, I will rid the town of every thug, thief, and hoodlum I can find, once again making this city safe for all the honest, hard-working people. Furthermore, I will vaporize every homeless person, starting with the most foul-smelling. I will also probably destroy any non-caucasian person who looks suspicious. And anybody else who is too lazy to get his or her fat ass out of the way of my death ray. My superhero name shall be “The Indiscriminate Shitkicking Avenger.”

Up yours, Superman.

[To Serve Man? It’s a cookbook!@ A COOKBOOK!@# -- Ops. Ed.]

God Bless America!

Sadly, Bridget won t be making an appearance in Dr. Suess s The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (for political reasons) ... but she WILL be at the Medium Meeting this Wednesday ...

A Tool of Wealthy Corporate Fatcats? by worldwidejess As Confucius once said: "In a country well-governed, power is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of"

CHRISTMAS CUMS EARLY THIS YEAR!!

LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER, Wed, 9:30pm, Rm. 111 Be there or be square * * “square” meaning “of jewish descent”

Page Page Page Page Page Page

2 3 4 5 6 7

Sex Drugs Rock Roll TV Porno

Page Page Page Page Page

8 9 10 11 12

Hookers Strippers Booze $$$$$ What’s Shakin’

Cover by: Chris “dubbaya” Taylor

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Just as a note I have not planted any subliminal messagores in the preceding commentary.

THE

MEDIUM

CONTENTS

Which leads me to my point: There is STILL no winner, and there is this collective feeling of not knowing and dumbstruck-ness across the land ... so I guess it's safe to say that the Bush era has indeed begun. After all, he is the man to blame for all of this. He's all up in arms in regards to this ailing predicament now, he's been up all night waiting for that one decisive phone-call... At least now he knows how those death row prisoners feel. However he has attempted to speed up this process by stating that if the results are not in soon, he'd begin executing one prisoner every hour on the hour! Gee ... I'm shocked.

I don't get it?! How the hell do you explain the colossal [and not to mention unnatural] political success of one of this country's least experienced and least intelligent politicians? There are only a few possible explanations^Å.okay there's just one ... he is the Anti-Christ ...

The Dysfunctional Family Editor in Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor

Christopher Taylor Personals Editors Jay Postelnik Heather Thompson What’s Shakin’ Editor B.C. “Chris” DeSarno Staff Artist Mike “Scoop” Ryan Online Editor Garrett Glick Advertising Manager Amanda Hoffman Senior Editor

Mike Molino Jay Postelnik Michelle Salvaggio James Kohl Mike Molino Amy Groark Garrett Glick

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to naziphallus@hotmail.com. Our phone number is (732) 373-7085. ... Mike, grow another scis .. we need perciset!@# ...

4/3/01, 1:24 AM

Wednesday, November 15th, 2000

My penis is quite the genius ...

Thanksgiving: Who Gives a Flying Rat's Ass?

by Furious "D" It's "that time of year" again! Time for family, friends, warmth, food, and, most importantly, stuffing! What is this magical junk that mom always puts in the turkey, and leaves out of the turkey (for vegetarians)? I mean, they call it "stuffing", all it really does is stuff the turkey, and stuff US when we consume it, but what is it made of? No one knows! Maybe that's why they call it stuffing. Cause all we really know about it is that it sure is stuffin'.

How about turkey? What's the deal with that? I mean, as Amerikans [this article is becoming too political for me -- Ops. Ed.], we eat chicken ALL THE TIME, but never turkey. Why? Is it all the tryptofan (sleep-inducing chemical found in turkey)? Maybe that "turkey" apeshit is just another word for "the chicken that we inject with tryptofan, just so all the jerkasses at dinner will pass out before the real fun begins!" Hmmm....

Well, that's what I think about Thanksgiving. The title is self-explanatory.

[Note: the original title was “Thanksgiving is Better than Sex” -- Ops. Ed.]

RANT

by Chris “$#@!?” DeSarno

OPINIONS SUBMIT TO DESARNOC@EDEN

Have you ever gotten a ticket?

Have you ever waited for a bus?

Have you ever had trouble parking?

Do you want to do something about it?

This Thanksgiving while you're stuffing your fat American faces with lard and crap I hope you remember all the potatoes that gave their lives so you can march around in your three piece clown suits and exWhy not attend a Student Forum pose yourself to elderly people and children alike. (For the children are our future but the elderly are our link to the past ... to the sexy past!) I know I'll be giving thanks.

Every morning I wake up and thank god for the ability to dance. Of course, that's when I realize that I dance like a retarded girl ... A RETARDED GIRL WHO CAN The Director of Parking and Transportation DANCE REALLY WELL!@ I remember as a child I used to dance for my mother. Oh, I can still remember at Rutgers University that disgusted face she used to put on as if to say "I and wish I could sell you for pot." ... She never really underyu m m yu stood why I constantly danced to the weather channel on TV but she never stopped encouraging me ... al○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ways telling me how "artistic" I was. Later, I found out she was talking about how "autistic" I was ... I was unable to understand her a lot of the time due to my severe autism. I learned most of my dance moves from my dog growing up. My dog constantly had epileptic seizures ... i just thought he was dancing. Every time he had a seizure I would crank up "Footlose" and dance around him ... ironically, his name was "Thanksgiving" ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ... SUBMIT TO DESARNOC@EDEN.RUTGERS.EDU and give thanks. presented by the Rutgers College Governing Association

Featuring a Q & A Session with

November 15 at 8 PM Red Lion Café Rutgers Student Center

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4/3/01, 1:24 AM

NEWS

Submit to mgryan@eden.rutgers.edu

Rutgers Community Sounds Off on Election

by Mike Ryan With the country and the world waiting for the final results of the 2000 presidential election, The Medium decided to hit the streets and ask Rutgers students, alumni, faculty, and children for their thoughts.

“I saw the [controversial Palm Beach County,] Florida ballot, and I can definitely understand how people would find it confusing. Pat Buchanan received six times more votes there than he received in any other county in Florida. It’s obvious that the vote did not adequately express the will of the people, and there should definitely be a revote.

[When I was on the wrestling team in high school, my coach would often tell me about how, when he was my age, he would go to parties, get girls drunk, and then mouth-fuck them while they were unconscious. At first I didn’t understand what he was talking about, although I now realize his actions were a natural response to the prohibitively high prices of suppositories, the only form of birth control that offers complete protection against both pregnancy and STDs, during the 1980s.]”

-Chris DeSarno, RC ‘02 “If the Florida recount ends up favoring Bush, I think that [Gore] should concede immediately. Nixon had the opportunity to pursue allegations of voter fraud in Illinois in the 1960 election, but he chose not to because he realized it would damage the United States’s reputation globally. [I helped John F. Kennedy out by leaving defecatory offerings in flaming paper bags on the doorsteps of suspected Republican voters. I found that, subsequent to performing these “dirty tricks,” my penis became much more blood-engorged and sensitive during the act of sexual intercourse, although I should also mention that I actually have three penises, and that this only affected one of them.]”

-Steve Hudson, RC ‘54 “It doesn’t matter at this point whether [some of the voters] accidentally punched the wrong hole. The citizens [of Palm Beach County] saw the ballot before the election, and they should have known what to expect when they went into the voting booths.

Additionally, there was a proper time for citizens to voice their problems with the ballot, and nobody said anything about it then. [Also, I find it disconcerting that I never reached sexual maturity under the Clinton adminsitration. Girls my age during the 1980s saw their vaginas develop into hairy blossoms, their breasts become rounder and more full, and their panties soaked and reddened by that sweet, sweet, monthly discharge.]”

-Sandra Valentine, age 9.

Wednesday, November 15th, 2000

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890

by John Minus 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 EDISON- Six officers of the Edison Police Department heroically took down a man 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 selling his wife’s poetry in front of the Edison Pathmark on rt. 1 Sunday morning. The 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 man was blatantly trying to sell his wife’s inspirational poetry to shoppers entering and 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 leaving the supermarket. Confiscated poems included such titles as “Sunshine”, “God 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Will Get Us Through”, and an especially provocative piece entitled “Whiskers on 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 Kittens”.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 When it was discovered that the suspect, African-American Harold Goodall, a respected 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 member of the First Light Of God Baptists Church, volunteer at soup kitchens through1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 out the state, and employee at an animal shelter, was selling goods without a license, the 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 officers of Edison P.D. bravely swept in and promptly put the perpetrator in a choke 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 hold. After choking the suspect nearly to unconsciousness and then handcuffing him, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 the officers bravely beat and kicked the suspect for another five minutes to ensure that 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 he would not be able to sell anything again.

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1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 All six officers who participated in the vicious, heroic beating will be receiving medals 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 this Wednesday evening. In related news, statues of the Lady Justice where observed 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 to be shedding tears all over the state.

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Hero Cops Bust Poet

Nader’s Presumed-Dead Evil Twin “Chip” Surfaces Just in Time for Sweeps Twins Identical in Every Way, Save Mustache, Lust for World Domination

by Martin Babitz, Associate News Editor

“It’s pretty clear to me that the [Palm Beach County,] Florida ballot had an illegal layout.

It’s a matter for the courts to decide, and the division that will invariably result from calling the voters [stupid, stupid morons] is only going to tarnish the legacy of this great nation. [There are a lot of issues that haven’t been getting attention in this election. For example, the labia of our elderly are droopier and more repulsive than ever before. I’ve never seen anything about that on the ballot in the forty-plus years I’ve lived in Monmouth County, even though it’s a problem that only comprehensive federal legislation can adequately solve.]”

-Steve McQueen, Rutgers Professor of Political Science [Editor’s Note: A careful review of the Monmouth County ballot revealed a verbose referendum dealing with the droopy labia issue. Further research found that the referendum has been on the ballot in every Monmouth County election for the past forty-plus years.]

“The Electoral College is an obsolete relic from a much different time, and most people don’t even understand how it works or why it was originally implemented. Our leader can only be legitimized by the support of a majority of the people. Clearly, Al Gore has achieved this. George W. Bush should bow out quietly so we can make a smooth transition of power. [I was always intimidated by the other, more muscular guys in the weight room. Every week, a group of them would pin me on my back on one of the benches. One of them would then drops his pants, spread his cheeks, and back closer and closer to my terrified face. The other guys would hold my eyes open and force me to stare into his anus, laughing all the while. They referred to this ritual as the “red eye.”

My psychologist tried to convince me that it was an irrational fear, and that I should engage in other activities that promote a more healthy self-image. I decided to become an altar boy, and the same thing happened, only this time with a group of priests.]”

-Dave McFadden, LC ‘03 “Any argument you can make for abolishing the Electoral College could also be made for abolishing the Senate, something which I’m sure very few Americans would want to do.

Clearly, our founding fathers wanted to provide for the protection of the minority when they wrote the Constitution, and this is a notion we shouldn’t be so quick in dismissing.

[When I was four, my father caught me whipping my sister’s bare ass with a leather riding crop while she was clod in leather and tied up. He asked me where I got the idea to do such a thing, and I told him that it was from the sado-masochistic pornography he would read to us and make us watch. I then jammed a ball gag into his mouth and forced him to lick my boots while I shouted derogatory phrases at him until he began to sob emphatically. I have fond memories of my childhood, and learned more from those videos and magazines than I have from any book or lecture.]”

-Mark Phillips, CC ‘01

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SAN CORIZON, BRAZIL- In a shocking revelation in what has been an inordinately close presidential race, Ralph Nader’s identical twin “Chip” has surfaced in a hospital in rural Brazil. Long since assumed dead after his February attempt to crush the Green Party candidate in a coin minting press ended with an ambiguous explosion resulting from the final fraternal battle, the missing brother apparently surfaced on the shores of Brazil a week later suffering from amnesia.

“We had noticed this man, walking in a daze on our family beach,” said Juan Zarabanda, a farmer in the family area through interpreters. “I had hoped that if we could nurse him back into health, Jesus would reward us with a lush crop for the harvest. He seemed like he had the capability to be so pure, so noble that he could help us resist the corporate takeovers of the village farms. Once he got only a little bit better he formed an alliance with the companies and convinced them to slaughter all my friends and family. I know now that this man was not from Jesus, he was from El Diablo.”

“Chip” Nader’s first order of business after achieving total recall was to arrange for the rebuilding of his “Death-Star” which he had originally designed to incinerate Greensupporting college campuses across the United States from space, but was forced to rent it out to the WWF for their “Space Smackdownä” series. From his secret hideaway, “Chip” groomed his mustache, and signed a document declaring war on the human race.

“Ralph! I told you when we last ‘spoke’ that I would not again be so easily cast aside, as Mommy cast us both aside so long ago. Now you will pay for your not accepting merciful death when I offered it last time. With my multi-billion dollar orbiting planetincinerator, and the evil of the WWF Superstarsä at my side, you will truly pay the price, as will the human race along with you.”

The Nader camp declined to comment, citing that Ralph was en route to his twin’s orbiting space station, leading an the united forces of The A-Team into battle with a rocketship constructed out of their ubiquitous black van, nuclear-grade plutonium, and an avocado.

Both Bush and Gore camps, while fully agreed in their support of the vanquishing of the forces of evil, also agree on suspicions that the madman may not be who he has claimed.

The Vice President, drunkenly ranting in a DC bar commented on both this revelation’s suspicious proximity to the fall sweeps and The Green Candidate’s pure goodness “Um… yeah I never really saw the two of them in the same room together. Has any one else?” Bush, eating out a Mexican whore on the bar, responded by filing for an injunction forbidding either Nader to fight their war anywhere near Florida.

4/3/01, 1:24 AM

Wednesday, November 15th, 2000

“Hey, Brand’, wanna go hang ten in Baja?”

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by Thomas Allen 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 George W. Bush reports that he has again turned to cocaine as an outlet for his stress.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Last Tuesday’s election results, or rather the race to close to call, left Bush in an 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 unsettled state that only his old cocaine habit could settle.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 “It’s not so much an addiction as it is a drug habit. Besides, cocaine is a gateway drug, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 which means that it isn’t habit forming. I fuck sheep.”

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 His top aids told reporters that, “we don’t see this [drug habit] as a significant obstacle 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 to the presidency. Besides, we all know George is a puppet of the Republican Party.”

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 The band aid reportedly covers a self inflicted wound that Bush caused after snorting 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 his cocaine.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 “The band covers my booboo,” said Bush, “I didn’t get my booboo from drugs. I got it 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 from cocaine. You see, there is a big difference between drugs and cocaine because 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 cocaine is not a drug but drugs are definitely a drug.”

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 When asked how his drug policy differed from Ralph Nader’s, Bush said, “I believe in 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 tough legal laws and Mr. Nader does believe in laws, just not the same laws I would 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 want. They would be different.”

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 The admissions officers at Yale were asked how a man of such stupidity had been 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 accepted to an institution of high academic integrity. They responded, “Mr. Bush surely 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 had all the qualities of a great— it was forty-eight checks to the amount of fifty thou123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 sand dollars, one written for every month. He was a student in good academic stand123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 ing.”

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Bush later promised to stop doing cocaine after being offered a big red balloon and a 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 lollipop.

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Bush Returns to Cocaine After Traumatizing Night

NEWS

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by Brian Benson 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 University Police and Dining Services officials are on the lookout for a pervert who was 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 observed masturbating into the 2% milk dispenser at Brower Commons. Latifah Shabazz a 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 Brower employee, noticed the 5’10” white male wearing a ski mask, “Beating it hard” into 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 the opened top of the silver milk container/dispenser on the evening of November 2nd.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 The suspect fled on foot onto College Ave. eluding Shabazz and other startled staff. This 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 apparently wasn’t the perverts first “contribution” to the Brower milk that day, Rutgers 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 police department lab tests found several samples of milk with traces of semen in them.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 As word of the contamination spread, school officials and students alike were alarmed.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 Amy Peterson a Rutgers College freshman and Brower patron said, “I knew something 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 wasn’t right with that milk, it tasted, like salty or something.” Dining Services represen12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 tative Ted Levant promised that everything possible is being done to catch the suspect, 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 and once caught he will “lose his meal plan.” Levant went on to remind students that 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 “this is the first known case of someone having sex with themselves into Brower 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 Commons beverages; at most state schools as large as Rutgers people jack off into all 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 sorts of food, not to mention defecating and urinating into condiments, keep that in 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 mind.”

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Man Caught Masturbating Into Brower Milk

Empty Cage Discovered

by Cobra Lee BUSCH CAMPUS- A missing-persons report was filed yesterday with Rutgers Police.

The focus of the concern was a silky white laboratory rat named “Sneaky.” The student conducting a secret research project found his cage empty on Tuesday afternoon. The rat has undergone extensive conditioning with a newly discovered chemical compound that enhances neuronal pattern formation.

“Individual neurons can be controlled and instructed by the brain consciously to perform a single directed function,” said the student. “The main ability of the compound allows individual neurons to manipulate individual photons. The experimental human prototype is called 6-Dopa 3-Dihydrodimethytriamineic454hydros and its’ mechanism of action is still unknown.”

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by Christopher Taylor 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Election commentators have unanimously vilified political upstarts Albert “Vice 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 President” Gore and George “Texas Governor” Bush for “spoiling” the democratic 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 process for sanctioned candidates by espousing excessively centrist ideologies.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 “By following the middle path, satisfying everyone and no one simultaneously, both 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Bush and Gore have undermined the American Way,” noted Rutgers Political Scientist 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 John “Jon” Adams.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Several of last Tuesday’s decided losers have chimed in on the phenomenon.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 “These ruinous moderates were able to manipulate a variety of powerful media groups 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 into treating my presidential campaign as fringe,” said Harry Browne of the Libertarian 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Party, “despite the strong American tendency towards the personal accountability and 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 freedom of Classical Liberalism.”

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 “The egalitarian ideal of Marxism is extremely pervasive in the modern American 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 consciousness,” stated Socialist Workers Party candidate David McReynolds. “That 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 these blasted meanies were able to distract the proletariat from their alienation speaks in 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 volumes about the need to separate politics and news sources.”

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 “How am I supposed to achieve victory on a platform of corporate controls if Gush and 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Bore come along and support both the corporations’ sovereignty and the workers’ 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 rights?” wondered Ralph Nader of the Green Party. “I think that there should be a 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 recount, with all ballots containing votes for these clowns considered contaminated.”

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“Enemies of Democracy” Anger Legitimate Candidates

Medium-11-15-00.p65

5

“The cognitively-enhanced rat has developed an ability to control photons,” remarked the student. “I don’t know what else the rat can do, but sustained invisibility and psycho-kinesis are two of its new talents. The compound injected into Sneaky has a different organic structure.” When asked about his motive for creating the mind-enhancing compound the student replied, “I just wanted to see the sexy girls in my dormitory nude and this would have allowed me to manipulate external Physics.”

Sneaky may be dangerous and we are asking the college community to be extremely careful. It is not known if the animal is horny.

Untitled Piece Submitted by Mike Carlone

by Mike Carlone New evidence shows that dildos bathed in orange juice can fight ovarian cancer. Recently a test was performed and observed on 100 women who drank orange juice on a routine basis and who were also diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Initially the test did not include the usage of dildos, but the implements became incorporated when a 96 year old woman decided to “experiment”. She claims that she simply allowed the dildo to bathe in the “O.J.” for 24 hours and then she inserted it (after she removed her diaper of course).

Researchers claim that the old woman was very intelligent for letting the dildo soak for 24 hours because any less of an amount of time would not have allowed for the Orange Juice to be absorbed, thus relieving her cancer. After the elderly woman inserted the Orange Juice infested instrument she claims that she “saw the light” and became a prisoner to it. Within three days all the elderly women in nursing homes throughout Florida decided to bathe their sexual toys in orange juice (even if they did not have ovarian cancer). As for the other 99 women in the study, they all were liberated from ovarian cancer eventually.

As a result the stock in 10 different Orange Juice companies has risen. The elderly woman, now a billioniare, claims that “Isaac Newton discovered the force of gravity accidentally so I guess you can call me the Isaac Newton of Ovarian Cancer”.

4/3/01, 1:24 AM

GMG

Zanzibar!!

Wednesday, November 15th, 2000

RAW ASS ARTICLE.... ABOUT Johnny’s Tripping by John Minus Well, we’re back. I know it has RAW ASS by Cori Carl been a while since you wonderful Recently I found myself pondering what it would be like to have a glow in the dark ass. Think of it- you would tell someone that your ass glows in the dark, and they would ask you to gmg prove it. So you would turn wuz out the lights and take off here your pants, and we all know what that could lead to.

I think that the knowledge alone that your ass glows in the dark would make it worth it. When I’m in a public place, the knowlRAW ASS!! edge that I’m not wearing any underwear keeps me amused. That, and short skirts on a windy day. And the fact that I’m a man. Okay, so I’m not really a man, but that was just logically the next sentence.

Having a glow in the dark ass could save lives. If you were in a mine shaft and it caved in and the lights went out, you could take off your pants and lead the people to safety.

Then you’d be a hero, a hero with your hairy scrotum swaying in the wind.

Think of the weight loss potential. Surely it takes a lot of energy to keep an ass alight, and the bigger the ass, the brighter the glow! It could be the next big diet trend. Or think of it from the vantage point of a firefly- their glowing asses help them get laid. Maybe that’s not such a great example, when I was little I’d rip off their asses and wipe them on the wussy little girls to gross them out. It would suck to have your ass ripped off and your flaming entrails smeared on some squealing little girl, although I’m sure there’s a fetish site dedicated to that.

If you had a glowing ass, and you were naked and running from the cops, your ass would be like a beacon to point you out. Once you got to jail, things would really suck. A guy in prison with a glow in the dark ass is like a big “fuck me up the ass” sign. So maybe a glow in the dark ass wouldn’t be that great, unless you’re a submissive gay man who likes being gang raped by axe murderers. At least there’s glow in the dark paint. I wonder if they have red glow in the dark paint, my ass could be its own little red light district.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Despite my prayers to the Pope Politics...

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 I’ve lost my last grain of hope 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Religion...

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 and all I do now is mope 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Science...

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 (when I’m not too high on dope) 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Uncle Bruce...

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 For no-one here drops the soap All are one 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Since they stuck it on a fucking One is all 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 rope And all have pinched 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 The nipples of my soul 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Especially Uncle Bruce 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 I saw my dry cum on the pillow The filthiest uncle of all 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 to remind me of last night 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 the head he gave 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 made me crave for the mouth 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 of a hot young boy 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Hark ye!

Their teeth are so loose 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Hark ye!

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 I can’t believe he swallowed 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Changing of times!

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 goodbye young man 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 This is the last 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 goodbye cumstain 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 The last of this kind...

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 For alas 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Ye lord hasn’t the will 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 In a far away place 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 To go for the kill 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 In far away time 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 And alas ye’ 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 In a land without space 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 I took a nasty dump 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Writing poems that don’t 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 In ye’ pants 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 rhyme 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Boy Porno!!!

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 I love me self the boy porno!!

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456 Fuck you Alvin!!

people have read a Captain Hetero or Iron Dyke tale, but some things have changed over the summer. For one, Cap Het, I.D., Straight Girl and Mistress Midnight decided to give themselves a name, the FreaX. Second, a couple of new faces have joined up with the Freax, but for now, let’s focus on those we know best. First up, Johnny.

Johnny turned the radio up in his 2001 jet-black Mustang as he rumbled down Easton Ave. “Ante Up” was playing and he loves M.O.P. The low roar of the 260 HP engine gave him a sense of peace and calm. Not that he wasn’t calm already; Midnight had fucked his brains out the night before. He was extremely calm, and still a little tired, which is strange when you have a genetically manipulated superhuman healing factor.

She is good. Being Captain Hetero has it’s privileges”, he thought, “except for the obvious disadvantage of someone trying to kill me at least 4 or 5 times a week, it’s a pretty sweet deal.” He merged onto rt 18 and kicked the speed up to 65 mph. “Of course, the only real drawback to being Johnny Taurus is that I don’t have time to fuck all of the girls who want to fuck me. And that’s a real shame too. Here I am, the best sexual god since…well, since time began, and there are so many poor, hot chicks out there who will probably never get to taste me. Oh well, their loss. He got on the Turnpike North and shot up to 110 mph with ease. His car phone started to ring, a tinny, electronic version of “Anywhere” by 112. “Hello.”

Johnny, where are you? I wanted to go over the new design for Rocket Dyke with you. I was thinking about giving it wings, like angel wings, but they’ll actually be solarpowered anti-gravity pods. Cool huh?” It was Melissa, the love of his life, and the gayest girl who ever lived. “Hey M, I’m on my way to Newark. I gotta catch my flight to California to meet up with some kid named Steve. Emperor Lawrence sends me out on these recruiting trips because, well, cause every kid wants to play on the same team as Johnny Taurus.” Johnny, of course, had a top-of-the-line digital connection on his phone, which was crystal clear, so he heard perfectly well the labored sigh sarcastic, pained sigh that escaped Melissa’s lips. “Jesus Johnny, if your ego where any bigger you would try and declare yourself divine and set up a church to worship you.” Johnny laughed a little, “M my dear, there already is a group that worships me as a God. It’s called the Female Gender. Anyway, I’ll see your designs when I get back. It’s pretty important we recruit well for next year, I hear Penn State ha a guy who’s almost as good as me. I’m not worried though, but every little bit helps. I don’t really have to rush, because it’s a charter plane and won’t leave without me, but I am anxious to get at that West Coast ass. I heard that California girls are all really flexible and have lots of stamina.

Two things I definitely like in my women. What about you, you got any plans for PoonTang this weekend?” Melissa looked over her pitifully empty social calendar and said, “uh, yeah, I’ve got some dates. You know, I don’t like to over-book and leave some poor girl without the benefit of having me pleasure them.” Johnny smiled, “Good girl, you’re finally learning from me.” “What would I have to learn from a pig like you”, Melissa snorted, I can get girls on my own. Just the day I ate out a girl named Candy in the basement of Alexander.” Johnny swerved around a Chevy doing 80 in the fast lane. He had gotten up to 130 without even thinking about it. I never said you needed my help M. Look, I gotta go, I’m almost there, I’ll call you from the plane all right?” “Ok, have fun.”

Johnny thought about the next four days of fast cars and faster women in the LA sun.

“Yeah, I really do love being me.”

MEDIUM FUN AREA!!!

The Medium Poetry Corner

FUN MAZE!

“Woe of a Prison Inmate” Mystics of Science

by Rachel B.

Can you help Don Mattingly get to the Internet porno before he blows a steamy load of Yankee spooge?

by Dean Morrow

“Stains on my mind”

by Da Book

The Mayor of New Castle

FILTHY PORNO!!

start FUN CARTOON The Family Circass

by Alex DuBois Clayton

Melvin and Me

fin?

FunWord Jumble ENISP SSA AGINAV JACULATIONE RICHARD PRYOR

by Philip Mandelay

FIN

Medium-11-15-00.p65

6

“When I grow up I’m going to wear a dress, just like Daddy and Dan Rather.”

DO YOU LIKE FUN? WRITE FOR FEATURES! SEND SUBMISSIONS TO: gmg42@yahoo.com

4/3/01, 1:25 AM

GEORGE W. BUSH: DA REAL SILM SHADY BY: The Writer’s Block Man, was last week exciting!

WWF Smackdown! was off the hook! Oh yeah, the election was nice too. I’ll face the facts, I’m not a political man. But don’t worry, I did my part as a “people’s writer”. (adding the word “people’s” to yourself helps you do better, ex. The Rock, the “people’s champion”, Keith Joseph, “the people’s campaign “O.K. not the last one, but you get the picture)Like I was saying, since I am the people’s writer, I decided to play apart in this year’s presidential election. I had a chat with possible future president of the U.S. of A, George W. Bush.

ME: Hey Mr. Bush (laughing) he he that sounds funny.

BUSH: What you want there Chinaman?

ME: Umm, I know I’m Asian, but can you like not call me Chinaman.

BUSH: O.K. sonny, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you’re so Asian!

ME: Hey! What the fuck, I’m here to try to talk to you about your situation in this political race.

BUSH: Oh, O.K. sonny, what ya want to know?

ME: Well what motivated you to run for president?

BUSH: Well, my dreams of being a rap supastar seemed to be going no where, so I decided to run.

ME: Wait, you wanted to be a rap star?

BUSH: Hell yeah, I had my shit locked down & everything.

ME: Well then, why did you quit?

BUSH: Like I was sayin’, I had all my shit togetha till that motherfucka Eminem showed up.

Mofo stole my shit!!

ME: Huh? BUSH: That scrub took my rhymes dogg. I was like “damn dog, how can you do that to a brotha.”

ME: So are you saying that you started the phrase “the real slim shady”?

BUSH: No B, I started the phrase “the real slim Texan, but that nigga changed it so it could be considered his.

ME: O.K.well, can you rap for me then?

BUSH: Word, you know I got you. Here, let me freestyle sum o’ my shit for ya: Now a dayz everybody wanna talk, like they got sumthing to say/ but nothin’ cumz out when they move their lips, just a bunch of gibberish/ Mothafu ME: Hey stop that, that’s not yours this is totally going no where, you suck.

BUSH: Yo momma.

Moron!

Dr. Leroy Clayton

Are you a 5) You’re riding to Busch on the Lx some guy is trying to fit the sub he Die-Hard and has into his mouth while the paper is still on it. Chances are this is the same Rutgers retarded moron that just stole bundles Medium” on November 1st.

Man or just ofYou“The know this because you study and notice he’s talking a a fuckin’ criminology lot about cheese and it’s November 1st, little punk? you: a) Get up and proceed to initiate a

Take our test to find out!

(Approved by the FDA, RDA and the CIA).

1) You approach a fully loaded Ax bus.

As it screams to a halt by the river dorms, you: a) Allow the people to get off first, and then board the bus in an orderly fashion. b) Don’t give a shit and barge your way against the crowd of morons trying to exit. c) Squeeze into the back doorway like a fucking nimrod and endure the ride on the bottom step cause nobody got off. d) Only A. e) Both B and C. f) Wanted to do A, but did B. g) Wanted to do A, but did C. 2) Your sitting on a crowded bus and a hot babe enters. She proceeds to stand because there are no seats available, you: a) Kindly get up, offer her your seat and smile. b) Let her stand because her tight ass is only inches from your face. c) Let her stand because she’s giving all the guys on the bus massive wood including the bus driver. d) Only A. e) Both B and C. f) Wanted to do A, but did B. g) Wanted to do A, but did C. 3) Two old women board the G bus from a non-existent stop and do nothing but talk. After 5 minutes of continuous talking, you: a) Smile at them because they remind you of your grandmother. b) Tell them firmly to “shut-up”, because you just lost your place in Paradise Lost. c) Tell them this bus is actually for Rutger’s students, a group of which they are not part of, then ask them when they are getting off. d) Only A. e) Both B and C. f) Wanted to do A, but did B. g) Wanted to do A, but did C. 4) It’s 4:47 a.m. and your roommate is viewing porn with his new Pentium III computer, you: a) Suggest he get some sleep for his next Calculus exam in less than 4 hours. b) Tell him you can’t sleep because he’s breathing too heavily. c) Tell him not to starch any of your clothes and aim toward the monitor. d) Only A. e) Both B and C. f) Wanted to do A, but did B. g) Wanted to do A, but did C.

FEATURES

If wishes were fishes, we d all eat tonight.

Wednesday, November 15th, 2000

“Terry Stop.” b) Get up and ask the kid if he wrapped his sub with “The Medium” which gets you closer so you can see if there’s any evidence in plain view.” c) Because there is only reasonable suspicion and not probable cause, you get up and knock the bejesus out of him for stealing bundles of “The Medium.” d) Only A. e) Both B and C. f) Wanted to do A, but did B. g) Wanted to do A, but did C. Answer Key For every answer of a or d, give yourself 1 point.

For every answer of b, give yourself 4 points.

For every answer of c, give yourself 6 points.

For every answer of e, give yourself 10 points.

For every answer of f, give yourself 2 points.

For every answer of g, give yourself 3 points.

0-8 Congratulations! You are a Rutgers man! You will most likely graduate on time and within the next year or so.

You make sure your hands are clean before you eat and your favorite vegetable is broccoli. You prefer wine to beer and respect a woman for who she is. Your parents have taught you well.

9-14 Oooooops! Either you must be a tad angry today; or, the last bus you rode didn’t have any air circulation. I’m sorry to say that you just don’t quite cut it as a Rutgers man; however, you CAN still learn how and what Rutgers expects of your social behavior by showing the test scores to your parents (especially your mom). Good luck!

15-50 Yeowwwwwww! Don’t tell me you fall into this category. Despite your age you’re still a fuckin’ little punk.

You’re a complete jackass in public and if you haven’t gotten your ass kicked yet, you must be Jackie Chan. Your dad needs to kick your pussy little ass a few times, so for your sake don’t show him this. You might want to retake the test using another issue and see if you can lower your score. If not, then the phone number to the Counseling Center on College Ave is: 932-7884. I wouldn’t be surprised if you burnt it down, either!

NEXT WEEK IN THE MEDIUM: Celebrity Fatsos, Sloppy Eaters, and Raging Imbeciles

Passing on the Pain

by Ryan Beckman

I was on the H bus last week when it hit me...a Calculus book.

Some tubby bitch whose ass was shaking in my face hadn’t closed his backpack all the way. The 63-pound book squeezed through the opening like a child entering the world and hit me in the face. After the shock wore off I realized that the asshole was looking down at me expecting the book to be handed to him.

Following a moment of consideration I decided to comply with his wishes, not only because he was considerably larger than be, but also because he was black. I got off at the next stop and started weeping much like a flat-chested third grade girl. Through the tears I found my way back to my lonely room where I cried some more. I looked up from my pillow for a moment and something caught my eye. I went over and picked up a poster that had fallen off my wall. As I taped it back up I remembered where I had gotten it. A few weeks ago I had seen the movie Pay It Forward and the posters were being given out for free.

In an effort to avoid the pain, not just from the book, but the Professor Benson frequently put a paper mental anguish that accompanied my “pussying out”, I thought bag over my head and then proceeded to about the plot of Pay it Forward. It was about some little kid punch me in the face. When he asked me doing nice things for three people and then they had to do nice my thoughts on the experience, I could honestly say that I never saw it coming. things for three more people and soon. Something in my mind snapped and I realized that I could pass my misery onto others.

Interestingly, Professor Benson would usually ejaculate upon seeing the paper In Haley Joel Osment style I planned out how I could help bag slowly soak with blood. When asked people, and when I say people, I mean me. how I felt about his obscure expression of The first person I decided to pay my misfortune forward to morbid pleasure, I could honestly say was this gay guy, Fred, who I knew from high school. The that I never saw him cumming. annoying prick was in my dorm and spent his time either bothering me in my room or fucking his piece of ass, Ricky. I told Fred that I had been home the past weekend and I ran into his parents. In a conversation with them I had accidentally slipped and told them about Fred’s gayness and hours of sex with Ricky. When I saw the look of horror on Fred’s face I told him not to worry about it, although his parents were shocked at first they seemed ok with it after a few minutes. I told him that I even heard them say that they were just happy that you had found someone and that they didn’t care that their only son has sex with men. I suggested that he call his parents and talk to them about it.

I saw a huge smile break across Fred’s face. He ran up to me and gave me a huge gay hug. I decided to follow him as he ran back to his own room. I listened from the hallway as I heard Fred talk to his parents. He immediately started rambling to his dad about how happy he was that his sexual preference was accepted and how he was going to bring Ricky home for them to meet over break. Three minutes later when his father finally got Fred to shut up I heard a screaming voice come across the phone line.

Fred began crying like the little bitch he was and apologized to his father. I heard a click and Fred wandered into the hallway. He looked at me with sad eyes, the moment I started laughing at him I think he realized that I hadn’t told his parents anything at all. In between laughs I managed to tell Fred that I didn’t even know who his parents were. Then I told Fred that he had to “pay it forward”. Fred went back into his room and shot himself in the face.

For my second session of “paying it forward” I decided to do something a little less mentally trying.

I ran up to the first guy I saw in a wheel chair and I pushed it over. Once he were on the ground trying to roll back to the only form of transportation he knew I kicked him in the face. I jumped into the chair and started screaming “TIMMAAAYYYY”. Apparently the kick to the face wasn’t enough pain for the cripple so as he tried to claw his way back to the wheelchair I ran over his hands a few times. I guess he better know a lot of places that he can coast downhill to because he’s not going to use those fingers for a long time. Seeing the man weeping on the ground made me smile so I screamed “pay it forward” and ran off to plan my third task. I soon decided to do something to my roommate Jon. For the first time in his life Jon had a girlfriend. The kid was in love, and his girlfriend was pretty hot. In fact, his girlfriend was entirely too good for him. For some reason the girl couldn’t see this, maybe she was autistic, but regardless I decided to help her out by showing her another, less true, side of Jon. Things were going well with Jon and Mary because he told me that he wanted to have some time alone with her that night. I said it wouldn’t be a problem seeing as how I’ve already “sexiled” him numerous times thus far in the year. As the day progressed Jon fixed up the room, cleaning and recleaning it started to piss me off. About the third time he made his bed I told him to go take a break and I’d finish cleaning for him. He thanked me and said he was going to take a shower. The moment Jon left I ran to my closet and grabbed some chocolate. I took some partially melted Hershey’s bars and smeared them all over his nice white sheets in an oh-so-convenient area. When Jon returned I told him that everything was perfect and he could relax. I said I was going to hang out with some friends from another campus and I’d see him the next day. I hid in the bushes for 20 minutes until I saw Mary walk up the pathway and into the dorm. I sat outside the window to my room and waited. I guess neither Jon nor Mary wanted their virginity any longer because within 10 minutes I heard a scream that left my ears ringing for hours. I saw Mary run out of the building partially clothed and Jon following clutching the covers around his naked body.

That night I slept comfortably as Jon cried himself to sleep. I didn’t feel the need to tell him to “pay it forward” because I assumed he would follow Fred’s lead. A few days later I no longer had a roommate.

I love life. Paying it forward may have been a lot of work, but it certainly made me feel better about my life. I think maybe next time someone bigger than me gives me shit I’ll take a visit to a school with a nice autistic population.

THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT........THE EARTH!!!!

GREASY SLOB!

FATSO

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Imbecile!

4/3/01, 1:25 AM

ARTS

“Do you love the monkey or do you love me?”

Pornworld

THE HETERO QORNER OF THE MEDIUM

Exploring the porn shops of Central New Jersey

The Female Orgasm

Male Centrism or Cummon Sense

By Candy, Arts Correspondent Did you know that out of all the crap you can look up in the yellow pages, they don’t list adult toy stores? I mean, you can call up a prostitute to come and give you a massage or be your date for the evening, but if you want to buy a vibe for your girlfriend, you have to guess, go by word of mouth, or order it online and wait.

Even a search for “sex toys” on the Yahoo yellow pages gets you nada.

Due to this sad state of affairs, I feel it is my duty as Arts correspondent to review for you the four sex shops I have found within Central NJ. Due to the fact that Arts only gets one page, you’ll have to wait until after Thanksgiving to learn where the good stuff is. (Sorry, send us more money!)

First, we’ll begin with the skeeviest of the skeevy. I won’t even bother giving you the name of the place, because if I did, you might be tempted to go there and see if it is as bad as I say it is. Just trust me, it’s bad. And just so you know not where to go, it’s in a dirty little white building on Route 27, past highland park, but not as far as the junction with 287.

This place was SKEEVY. The place was tiny, about the size of a classroom, with cheap toys lining one wall, cheap movies lining the other, and a scary old man who looked like my grandfather huddled in a corner, grumbling over a newspaper. The radio was set to some annoying talk radio station. In the middle of a floor was a display island full of movies so old, the colors on the cases was faded.The obligatory issues of NJ Swinger and such rags were in small stacks along the floor. There was some light BDSM gear in one corner, next to a rack of amateur BDSM movies. Under all the fake blood on the cover, I knew I’d seen better on cable. I’m really tired of bisexual vampires with Marquis de Sade complexes. Really tired.

The remainder of the movie collection couldn’t rival the selection you’d find at any Easy Video. The prices weren’t that great either. If this were the only adult movie place in NJ, I’d be doomed to rentals and Spice channel.Most embarrassing were the toys.

They came in three sizes, too small, average, and goddamn fucking crazy. There were a few anal plugs and beads around, but nothing cheer about. And there were no clit-friendly devices.

At this skeeve shop, it’s all about penetration.

There wasn’t even a Tongue or any toys for the guys. Ok, maybe a cock ring, but really, there’s

MEDIUM MEETING 9:30 LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER SHOW US YOU SUPPORT PORN!!

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Wednesday, November 15th, 2000

by John Minus

more to sex toy shopping than bring home a big vibrating wang.

The small cramped space, combined with the grouchy Gramps and the wood paneling, reminded me of sneaking into some friend’s basement to get a look at her daddy’s Playboys and Hustlers. It was tense and shameful; I felt that any moment, her mother was going to come through the door. Payment was cash only, even with the ridiculously high prices of the movies. When I tried to ask Gramps a question about a bullet vibe I was curious about, the look in his face told me clearly, “just buy your filthy porn and get out!”

Well, keep your icky 70s pornos and tremendous jiggly dildos because your skankmart rates a big fat zero.

Our second sin shop is better than the first, and closer to home. It’s Playtime Boutique, inconveniently located on Route 1 South.

Unless you sneak around through Edison, you’ll

I was reading the Targum today (it s Monday and hence no Medium to read) and I came across an editorial by some chick named McHenry about the Female Orgasm and how it s so misunderstood.

Apparently, if and when a girl has an orgasm, that is not the end of the sexual experience for said female.

Apparently, sex for a woman is not done for the purpose of cumming, it is done for the purpose of fully satisfying the female in question. But satisfaction does not cum with the orgasm, which is a male idea because males have sex to ejaculate. Hm. I guess that s why lesbian scenes in porn drag on for so long nobody knows quite when to end it. I think it s just cummon damn sense that women have sex to have orgasms. Otherwise they would just be caught in an endless loop of clit-teasing that would eventually drive them insane. Apparently woman can conceivably have sex forever, because they do not have the problem us poor males have with ejaculation. There has not been enough research into the female orgasm for girls to know when they have one. MM HMM. So, if women do not know when or how or what their orgasm is HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW! Oh, sorry, trying to stay civil ok.

Ok. So. The orgasm is different for every woman. Ok. Fine. I’m ok with that. Really. So, how the hell are people going to do research into figuring out and defining something that is different for every woman huh? have to pass it, make a U-turn, and come back Believe me, I’m a Psych major and would definitely volunteer time and probably money to researching the down to visit this swanky place. Now when I female orgasm. As far as I’ve heard there are multiplesay it’s better than the first, remember it would orgasmic woman, and those who it hits all at once, and have been near impossible to be worse than then they’re done, just like a guy. They say the female the first shop. Playtime is actually quite similar orgasm is a bodily thing and hits in waves. Apparently to Gramps on 27. Same wood paneling, same there are women who cannot orgasm and are receiving dank basement feel. But this store is apprecia- undue pressure from our patriarchal society to have bly larger and has a better selection, in toys and orgasms. What a cruel and barbaric society in which we movies. As a bonus (?) you can watch films in live that forces helpless women to try and sexually climax. the shady back rooms (although I couldn’t bring Of course, I am also a male, how can I speak about the female orgasm. Well, other than the fact that I’ve been myself to go back there at all). The guy I’ve know to cause a few in my time, I listen to what other seen at the counter of this shop is the kind of women say. Trust me, women who do not cum when they guy you’d expect, not grouchy but not as peppy have sex are not happy with their lives, I think they’re a as those Old Navy salespeople. little bitter and a lot pissed off that the penis they chose The movies are better priced and better for the evening was sadly not up to the task with which it was given. I’ll admit, I could not make every girl cum who organized into various niches: gay, BDSM, I’ve had sex with, but I have a winning average in that trans, teens, etc. There’s an improved selection of toys, but it’s heavy on the gag gifts, such stat and I’m damn proud of it. Which brings up another subject; where do I get off deeming myself worthy to as wind-up genitalia that hop. There are hand out information about sex? My authority on the inflatables, more gadgets for the guys, some subject was questioned recently, and I thought it was a cuffs and gags, even French ticklers. There valid point. I never claimed to know everything about sex are many different vibes and dildos in many or that I’m the greatest there is at it. I am just sharing my sizes, shapes and colors, some not found in experience so that guys who are virgins don’t have to seem like virgins when they do get their first taste of nature.

The selection is still a little thin, and the Poon-Tang Pie. I’d be pretty upset if I did know everyplace feels sleazy. But it is nearby and its small thing about sex. One of the things I like about sex is that there is so much to know. And I am definitely open to selection makes a quick pick possible. If you new ideas. If anybody thinks they know more than me, want to grab a toy before catching a flick at the feel free to tell me so. I love to learn new knowledge Loews, then Playtime is for you. about sex, especially from women, because MOST guys Next issue, we’ll go a little farther out of do not have a clue what they are talking about in this town to see what goodies await. For those field. But knowledge can come from anywhere. A virgin told me a couple of tricks to massage that have proven willing to venture into Union County, fun very useful with women. Some guys have a clue. So if abounds! Please send your own fav stores, you wanna tell me something, tell me off, or if you’ve reviews, or anything else to actually taken my advice and it’s worked for you, let me know. My address is heterofrenzy@hotmail.com. My status as Medium Porn Editor and Official Sex Guru are on the line here, don’t let me down.

hardcandy@wildmail.com.

4/3/01, 1:25 AM

Wednesday, November 15, 2000 To the Douglas chick who calls herself a 'Mami' and wanted me to show you my beaver..1st off, a beaver is a PUSSY not a dick, so I can't show you my beaver..2nd, if you wanted to see my dick, you should have asked me topull it out, I would have been glad to show it to you and see what you could do with it. I would have let you suck me off on the drunkbus this goes out to all the fags who and then suck the beaver off have a problem with socks and also. I hope you like to swalslippers. fuck you. you're just low like those frat whores, a bunch of shallow little bitches cause i'm gonna blow my nut trying to make the scene. down your throat. YOu said maybe if you all didn't have little that i saw you, well i don't baby dicks, you'd have the know who you are. If you want confidence to have some per- to take care of business, find sonality. oh yeah, did i men- me and BLOW ME.. tion that guys who sweat over what other guys wear are fags? To that Neil Diamond lovin' next time you have a problem fine piece of greek goddess ass with my shoes get the balls to Kendra at Brett. i wanna ride say so. you like a midnight train to To the kid on my floor i hooked up with last thursday night at Mattia. If you ask me to come home with you again I'll do you and your sexy roommate. I want you both to donkey punch me like I've never been donkey punched before. I'm STD free so don't worry baby. Anything goes, especially beastiality (wink wink).

To those smelly chefs on Livingston North Tower on the 2nd floor. Stop cooking that smelly shit. IT SMELLS!!!

Every night you reak out the entire floor with your awful, smelly cooking. My ass fucking smells better than your food! Thanks to your smelly food, I gag to death while I try to study. I need a fucking gas mask just to walk down the hall! Learn to eat in Tillet like the rest of us. There is no need for you to cook that smelly shit.

Your parents paid for a meal plan, so you might as well USE IT! Your food makes Tillet look like gourmet cooking. By the way, you SMELL TOO!!!

To the cute boy who is always looking at me in Expos MTH3.

If you wanna talk to me please do you've got nothing to loose, otherwise stop starring. This is not 6th grade.

Will the lovely brunette wearing the white Rutgers sports uniform in the Busch Int'l Lounge please return? I saw you about a month ago Monday nite around 6 pm, the shirt had a red number on front, 14?, and short sleeves with red trim.

I'm still trying to figure out who you are, so please come back.

(Punch this jerk in tha face!)

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Elizabeth w/ a stopover in Rahway, if ya know what i mean (good, coz i don't). i know your phone is broken & you can't remember your room #, but maybe i can treat you to some Wendy's $.99 goodness- coz we're meant to be, baby. (if not, your roommate sivan's cute- and israeli too...)

Happy Early Birthday! Love, Mikey J.

I can’t wait to eat that monkey!

PERSONALS

This goes out to the hot dyke that won't fucken give me the time of day... I think you are so hot but your personality is shit! I want to fuk you so bad BUT I WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING! I am hot as hell and just cause I dont look like a dyke doesnt mean I'm not. I WANNA KNOW WHY I CANT GET A DATE WITH ANY OF YALLS ON DOUGLASS! Are all you douglass dyke busy with dildos and are too UGLY TO GO FOR THE REAL THING ?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL !?!

This goes out to all the bus drivers who drive the EE, and the G. All you do is stop let people on and off, this your job so why do you act like you have a problem letting people on.

Someone could be right at the door, and knocking on the bus and you keep driving. Then let a white girl with some fuck me boots on come up to the door, you stop and open the door.

What type of shit is that? Anyway, and yall need to learn how to drive because half the time you are either turning on the sidewalk or beeping at cars that have nowhere to go. You are a big ass BUS, what the hell are you honking for, you aren't going to make it far anyway. And to these bus drivers who swear up and down that they can just stop and leave a bus, THAT SHIT AINT CUTE!!!! "The lake is my last stop," the bus driver of the EE said one night. Why didn't you tell us that before we got on?

The only bus driver who is cool is the Indian guy who drives late at night. Bus Driver Haters

(You see the reason why you can’t win the hearts of Douglass ladies is because in addition to being unattractive, you are a world-class jerk).

hello, there was a personal in todays paper. it was about me and my friend and how we were checking out our own butts. we weren't intending to impress anyone. its just something that my friend does and i laugh at. thankyou its flattering that someone noticed! maybe you should get to know people's personalities instead of getting to know thier i will do what i want, and if i asses...but thanks for lose, well then i lose MY WAY noticing..oh yeah and thanks to this is my fucking life and if i the guys who noticed that white die, well then i die MY WAY girls can have nice big asses.

Fuck this we gonna bring the thanks, ass checkers ruckus. You’re not ready. this (I’d like to thank all you ass is rock bitch! rapers too because they are often ignored by mainstream This is a general announcement America and truly deserve to to everyone. Doing acid is safe. be recognized. Thank you, LSD has been reported as the ass rapers, for without you, safest drug by various labs and who would rape our sweet esteemed doctors and profesand tender asses?) sionals. The only dangers in the drug is if a person is mentally unstable to begin with, de- to the hot girl with absolutely pressed, and such and such. unbelievably huge sized breats, As with all drugs, it is for the in MW7 Communication 102 happy people...so if you're class in Voorhess, I want to happy and you know it, drop fuck you so damn bad! are two tabs. It'll be a lot of fun, those implants? Please reply via the Medium to guy who will trust me. give you anything you want.

This goes out to that hot dirty slut from Cs110, scmuck T's section a.k.a. Jt. I love it when you cum to class wearing those tight pants with no underwear.

I just wanna pull those pants down and go to town on your fresh , tight asshole. The way your nipples erect throguth your shirt make me ejaculate prematurely in my pants. I dream of bending you over the computer desk with the webcam on, then sending it to your nasty white trash of a mother, to show her how much of a dirrty fucking whore you are. I wanna spread your tight ass cheeks apart and shove my tongue way inside your anal crevice, then shove my dick upside your anus, and release a huge wad of chud all over your back. then when I'm done, you can go to town on my sweaty crevice and get fecal material over your face, you dirty fucking slut. How bout i give you pirates eye? Maybe a dirty sanchez? How bout a hot lunch? a dog in a bath tub?

After i cum in your ass, how bout we felch? Ever get shat on?.....Wayne and Justin love you!!!!!!

To Virginia, the STD supplier of Crow fraternity. Stop sleeping with every fucking guy you (CS 110 dirty slut, if you say meet. Nobody wants your no to the author of this per- genital herpes. You are a sonal I will shed a tear, such fucking fat cheese curl eating a romantic should always slut. Your cunt smells like rotwin the girl in the end like in ting eggs from all the cum left those films directed by those over from the last group of guys people who are also known who gang fucked you. Please as retards). wash yourself and stop eating so God damn much. You are Why do Christians think they an annoying bitch. Nobody deserve to live? I don’t get it, want your nasty pimple covthey are just full of shit. Their ered body you dirty fucking religion is so full of shit. There’s whore. I hope you die from nothing spiritual or beautiful Aids. about it. It’s been changed so many times throughout human- (Sniff, god bless all college ity because it is imperfect and students, so wise and caring. flawed and so unpowerful that Our future, you make us so is so easily malleable by any proud). social change. So, in conclusion, die Christians, die! fuck rutgers, this place is so overcrowded and we’re giving I want my dick sucked!! all our money to dumb athletes who cant play for shit. who the Bitches need to shutup and just fuck cares if they can move keep their mouths open when balls from here to there. why (What about stupid people sucking dick. that is absolutely cant the students who actually like yourself , do they qualify (Funny thing is, we never get the only thing they are good for. pay and work hard. what the for drug-takers much like any replies to personals like Bitch, I want my dick sucked! fuck about us!isnt college about happy people do?) this. Can you tell me why?) Whores are better than women learning, not sports anyways?

4/3/01, 1:25 AM

PERSONALS This is for the Devil, why are you so subordinate, jeez man stand up for women, I mean the can orgasm 50 times in a row for christ sakes This fine personal goes out to that chick in the lab coat, what the hell are you doing? don't you have a freakin life? God man I know if I didn't HAVE to be at the dining hall I wouldn't. So go home. Love the kid in the hat To that hot-ass girl in my psych class: you are so gorgeous.

Every time you come in in those black pants, I want to rip them off and have wet n' wild donkey sex with you on the desk. You are so beautiful with all your ass power- But who I really want is your hot Puerto Rican friend. He is such a delicious man-child. I want to bend you over and introduce you to the Seven Anal Joys (Seven?).

I dream of skeeting deep inside your flat beautiful boricua ass, and rubbing my bony body against you. Until that day, I will hump my pillow filled with mayonnaise and peanut butter thinking of you two

I’m the online-editor.....

This goes out to a certain person named Chris. I have known you for a while and since we first met, you knew I had a crush on you. Well, we talked about this and we both wanted to make this work, or at least that’s what I think. I am enraged at the fact that you could give up so easily. I wanted to give it a try but you are hard to figure out. You are a person that I have liked and wanted to love for a while. Also, the type of person, I have wanted to be in a relationship with...What I am saying is that..I like you a lot, I miss talking to you as a friend, and even trying what’s worth it. I just wish that you could see what I feel, what I want, what you need.I need you here as a friend, even if more never works!!!! By: Your friend from Spain

There are two ways to tell that personal is fake 1) it does not use any “naughty” words such as fuck, shit, whore, assmuncher,oven-reject, buttpluggg, or jew.

2) “friends” from spain don’t exist. that’s like saying “Oh yeah, I have a girlfriend..

To that FUCKER PARKER She’s really hot too, you just YO-SEF or whatever your can’t meet her because she fuckin name is. You piece of lives in Canada”........ dog shit writing about Joe Bullshit.

Lieberman and the Jews. The Jews will fucking kick your stu- To Marcus who lives in pid racist ass. I will fucking Davidson D (the projects) burn your fucking house down you are a cute young man who with my menorah you FAG- I think needs to learn when to GOT! And to the guy who play and be serious. You are in wrote God never liked jesus. college, if only you acted like it Yeah you. You spelled sometimes or most of the time, yarmulke wrong you FUCKIN you wouldn’t have to wonder IDIOT! Its not spelled yamaka why I keep an attitude. I like you dumb DIP SHIT! you but there are some things you really don’t understand (This is to all the jew-haterzzz about females. out there... don’t let this oven-reject intimidate you.... to my roommate, the fucking keep the personals coming... bitch: i hope you realize what a miserable person you are and write on!) that nobody likes you. i hope Visit The Medium you get gonorreah and die.

O n l i n e @ www.themedium.net There isn’t much there cuz the online editor is a fucking lazy ass bitch. Faggot whore monger. UPDATE THE WEB PAGE!

Medium-11-15-00.p65

10

Wednesday, November 15, 2000

To my calc prof, The next time you're half an hour late to class i'll smack you like the silly bitch you are. Do you think anyone cares about life "in your day"?

That shell on your head you call hair makes me want to stick my manhood in through your clentched mouth and break your old-man teeth down your throat. With those shitty spandex pants you wear you should be able to run to class ontime what's the big problem?

You dumb drunk I bet you buttfuck my Columbian T.A. while making him try to scream "denominator" in broken english. Fuck off, Shaggy

To that faggot drummer in Barbuda--Why don't you "walk" your dog home and fuck it, because no girl is going to want to talk to you once they realize what a scum-sucking asshole you are. We don't know who you are trying to fool by acting as if you're a spiritual, "deep" soul--anyone who has talked to you for more than 5 minutes knows that the only thing deep about you is your pockets! Let's face it, ML: you can go to as many Phish shows as you want, it still won't make you anything more than a played-out rich mammas boy who tries to hide what he is desperately lacking... (<music>I know my calcunamely, a personality... hugs lus/it says you plus me equals and kisses... schmegbuda(your us</music> --- famed rapidly growing fan club) american band 2ge+her) To the band director with the mustache during the basketball game: YOU ARE SOOO FUCKING HOT!!!!! Whenever you conducted the band it made me want to orgasm in my seat (ESPECIALLY WITH THAT HOT LOOKING RED SWEATER!!!!!).

You looked hot enough to lick my hot vaginal juices straight from my steaming pussy. You must have arms of steel from conducting so much, which is perfect for fisting me hard up the ass. Look for me at the next basketball game. (<insert favorite joke about how fat the band is here>) hey fuckhead...next time you want to know how i am doing, ask ME, not somebody else. of course, it would be awfully difficult for you to ask me anything if you are avoiding me. get some balls. (fuckhead is a little vague... next time try using a more informative determiner, i.e. fuckface)

What the fuck? The cover sucked!!!! Who likes cheese (Reply: You just can’t stand there? What's the fuckin' the fact that I’m phattt as da problem? Oh ya, I almost bomb and twice as exploforgot....Who's got my notesive.... You best not be book? steppin’ over the i-love-lucyesque line down the middle To that bitch in UC@EA of our room or I’ll have to Rm***. Suck my fuckin’ dick teach you the meaning of till you can’t scream cuz your mouth is filled with man-meat shafare all over afgain)

(There is nothing wrong with wholly uninteresting, shallow, boring people to use wealth and marginal fame to attract members of the opposite sex... Take it from your marginally famous and wealthy personal’s editor).

To that sweet looking lady who was walking around with the pimp hat on Halloween...

Damn you looked fine! I wouldn't have minded being one of your hos that night. I bet you would have taken me in the alley and played a little rough.

I like a woman who knows how to work it. But I'd definately show you how good I am, too... I'd push you up against the concrete walls and we'd make love sweet love until the cops came and busted me for solicitation. Yeah, you Brown Suga Goodness.

This is to the kid that was in the Satellite Computer center on Thursday downloading porn: Why do you have to be doing this shit on campus?!? I mean, I have NO problem with porn; Porn is EVERYONE's friend. But on campus???? In the MIDDLE of the afternoon???? DAMN! That's SOME BALLS! I really hope you weren't whackin off too, cuz I'm NEVER gonna sit there again. Porn is good: just do it in your room instead, k?

4/3/01, 1:25 AM

To the people in Mettler who always play reggae and salsa music. First of all, let me just say you're a bunch of fine looking bitches. You all have the phattest booties I've ever seen.

And the one with the huge tits... girl, you've got it going on. I wish you'd bring those luscious curves out of that smokey room more often so I could get a chance to show you how sexy I think you are. Did anyone ever tell you you look like Mya? I want you to be my Ghetto Superstar. I want you to treat me like you do your cigarettes... sucking on me long and hard and often. Come out and see me sometime, girl.

I raise my glass to the Scumbag G-Bus driver who can't even FUCKING turn on the fresh AIR. This CockSucker is a sadistic prick. You can't even ANSWER a Simple question.....you fucking SlimeBAG. You need to be tied up and have 50 men shove a garden hose up your ASS....till water comes out your fucking mouth!!! You need a NEW Attitude, jerkoff.

I PAY your salary Dickbreath, so you WILL fucking do what I ask! AND TURN ON THE AIR CIRCULATION SO THE CARBON DIOXIDE DOESN'T CAUSE YOUR ATTITUDE TO GET ANY WORSE. I refill my glass.

(This may seem oddd, but I feel that when I am on a campus bus, I want the experience to be as miserable as possible... for instance, I encourage people to walk up to me and kick punch me in the scrotum while caling me bridgette... I enjoy such ridicule. My name is jason.)

To that short sweet and sexy girl in Quad 2, let me taste some of yr dark chocalate lips.

I see u working in Tillet every nite and heard tell of how u have a special place in yr heartfor white boys...esp Calc TAs. Now that yr live in lover is gone can u be my big booty hoe?

(Calc TA? Let me respond in your native tongue: wi chang donoru assmuncher nichi)

Wednesday, November 15, 2000 To that hot RA on the 3rd floor of Perry...I would love to show you a night of the most pleasurable fucking fun in your life...Whenever I see you I get all wet...I dream about you in me fucking your brains out...Mmmmmmm...I'll be watching you.

My life has become just another reason to die. Rutger rams it's fist up your ass and asks you to smile.

A message to people who like to fuck with someone's motorcycle and knock it over: Keep in mind that a motorcycle owner has easy access to a supply of gasoline and will gladly set you ablaze if they catch you messing with their bike. They will then laugh at you as you run around frantically trying to put out the flames and will then stomp your ashes into the ground so your family has nothing to cry over.

(Also keep in mind that motorcycle owners have very small penis’. This is why they buy motorcycles -- to make up for their lacking masculinity. The same correlation holds true for people who drive a manual transmission, aka driving stick -- if you know what i mean only a dumb israeli would kill unarmed children (that is dumb... if you ever see an unarmed child, you should rape him/her because they can’t fight back -- they have no arms!!!)

You know, I love Blueberry Morning cereal. Even though the flakes cut into my gums. It's true; the flakes of the cereal have little jagged edges, because of the "cripsy multigrain flakes" and "oat clusters."

Maybe they should call it Razor Blade Morning. That'd be a good way to start your day.

(They should name a cereal “assmuch”)

PERSONALS

I drive stick... if you know what I mean ;)

To the Douglas chick who calls herself a 'Mami' and wanted me to show you my beaver..1st off, a beaver is a PUSSY not a dick, so I can't show you my beaver..2nd, if you wanted to see my dick, you should have asked me to pull it out, I would have been glad to show it to you and see what you could do with it. I would have let you suck me off on the drunkbus and then suck the beaver off also. I hope you like to swallow like those frat whores, cause i'm gonna blow my nut down your throat. YOu said that i saw you, well i don't know who you are. If you want to take care of business, find me and BLOW ME..

To the cute boy who is always looking at me in Expos MTH3.

If you wanna talk to me please do you've got nothing to loose, otherwise stop starring. This is not 6th grade.

(Then explain the football team)

This is to that chick that wrote about those guys that honked at her while she was crossing the bridge to Hickman....you are HOT! Are you ashamed about that? We honked at you for a reason, bitch! I'd like to take this opportunity to invite you to a party at our frat Lamda Lamda Lamda Friday night, and we'll give you the pleasure of getting our dicks in your Hey Mike, How’s it going? I mouth so you can quit calling am writing you to tell you that I us assholes. Bitch, bend over have herpes. I thought I should and say you like it! let you know since we have had hot monkey sex on numerous occasions. I think I may have gotten it from my younger sister. That whore has been sleeping around behind my back. You should get tested ASAP. I am sorry to tell you through email, but I thought you would hang up on me if I called since you we had that terrible fight over who got to stick it in where. I hope once your temper has calmed down, you will forgive me and call me. My sister can not pleasure me the way you do. With love, Umberto. PS - Are you still personals editor?

Did you ever wonder what a MEDIUM meeting was like? Find out. 9:30 PM Livingston Student Center Rm 111 Every Wednesday send personals to

mmolino@eden jsp51@eden Why is mommy taking pictures?

(I debated putting that in because I am not sure if the term “personal” includes “personal email”) Alphonso Ribiero fan looking for other fans of Alphonso Ribiero. Maybe we could meet up and just talk sometime about Alphonso Ribiero. I never raped Gordon. I swear.

Don't judge me. Especially you, Dale, I thought you were the one.

TTT U SL

To that sexy vegan, I know This is to that sexy guy in my soy milk does a body good but psych class, I think your name DAMN, woman, HOW is Gordon.I'm really sorry you MUCH SOY MILK YOU BE got raped by that Alphonso DRINKIN?! I'm sorry. Let us Ribiero fan. At least Dale's still never speak of this personal on your side. Thank the sweet again. -- desarnoc lord for Dale. DALE!!!

I love you -- A. Ribiero

Medium-11-15-00.p65

11

4/3/01, 1:25 AM

What s Shakin

Did those fucking Pilgrims steal your land!

Come to a Medium Meeting!

Wednesdays @ 9:30 p.m.

Livingston Student Center Room 111

All you have to do is imagine everyone naked!

I can t believe it s already time for Thanksgiving! It s time to honor the first time we as Americans stole from the Native Americans (Indians). This first meal commemorating the beginning of slaughter and destruction of one group s homeland. It s kind of fucked up, but if you really think about it, it s true. So, when you re sitting around the table at Thanksgiving, just imagine you re feasting on the fruit of the dying Native American culture. Oh, well enough seriousness.

You can look forward to animal porn as well as furniture porn in the next edition of the events section.

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RCPC Films presents The Patriot 11/17 RSC-MPR 8:00 p.m. $3 11/18 BCC-MPR 8:00 p.m. $3

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Medium-11-15-00.p65

12

Wednesday, November 15th, 2000

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Local Jive 11/16 Betty Ford – The Melody Bar 11/17 Reel Big Fish, Catch 22, Midtown – Birch Hill Entertainment Complex 11/17 Linda Eder – State Theatre 11/17 The Number Theory – Budapest 11/18 Overlap, Akasa, Adapter – Melody 11/19 Agent Orange, 0S101 – Court Tavern 11/19 Kittie, Mudwayne – Birch Hill 11/22 Tapping the Vein, Live Alien Broadcast,Tabloid Nation – Melody 11/24 Simon Says, Type O Negative, Spineshank – Birch Hill 11/25 You were Spiralling, Prizefighter – Melody 11/27 Death Threat, Red Line, NJ Bloodline,Sworn Enemy – Melody 11/29 KD Lang – State Theatre

4/3/01, 1:25 AM

It s a pedophiliac corner for the holidays!