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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XI
50¢
November 19th, 2008
Blackout Forces Busch Students to Relearn Fire Making Skills Primitive Tribal Society Forms in ARC Building BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- After the blackouts had caused the majority of buildings on Busch and Livingston to lose power, Rutgers Officials were surprised to find that a large group of Busch students had banded together and formed a clan inside the ARC building. Inside the building, the leaders, acting on the authority that they are enrolled in Calculus IV, organized the Calc II younglings into explorative task groups centered on learning to make fire. This was eventually accom-
plished by holding books on top of the kid’s heads and thinking about taking the derivative of infinity, which ignited the pages instantly. After concurring the task of starting a fire, the students turned their attention to finding subsistence in the wild. Alpha male Charles Yung led the hunting expedition into the depths of ARC where they happened upon a group of frightened Topics in Math for a Liberal Arts Major students. Yung chose a sickly one in the back of the room and took him down using a crude protractor-spear tool. After the feast occurred, the ARC Clan set about creating an al-
ternate source of energy and was starting work on a cold-fusion reactor when power was restored. The class returned to their seats and the
professor finished his lecture before class officially ended much to the relief of math-minded students.
decided to partition off the bathroom area in the student center – one of the most revered places to take a dump, according to University statistics – more and more students have had to venture into “that weird building with all the books.” “I’ve never been in a library before,” said sophomore SAS student Michael Blumpkin. “I figured I’d get myself a book while I was there, and the fuckers forgot to charge me for it. How stupid can you be?” But while some students have welcomed the change of shitting scenery, most are in an uproar. Said one of the students waiting in line and noticeably squeezing his cheeks together: “This is fuckin retarded. They leave the Sbarro and the Dunkin Donuts open, but they close the fuckin BATHROOMS? How am I supposed to eat a cheesesteak at the Rock Café and make it all the way to Kilmer before that shit blows out my asshole?”
Quite expectedly, University officials support the Livingston renovation. “These are just necessary sacrifices we all have to make,” said senior redevelopment specialist Brian Scheffler. “We’re an overcrowded university, and no one wants to go to Livingston. In order to dupe future generations of students into living here and taking classes in those God-awful Lucy Stone rooms, we need to trick them by making [the campus] look nicer, ostensibly. If that means you have to walk an extra half mile or so to drop the kids off, so be it.” Library staff members, however, have been complaining about stock and supply problems associated with the increased patronage. “Mostly,” said Mitch Conner, head of custodial operations for Kilmer, “we’ve been having problems with toilet paper. But about a week ago we started keeping copies of the Targum outside the stalls, and
that seems to have corrected the issue.” University President Richard McCormick, in an interview conducted through two adjoining stalls, called the Livingston construction efforts a “necessary step towards community acclimation.” “Rutgers as a university,” he said, “is situated in the middle of a large, bustling city, and it has always tried to strike a balance between the aesthetics of the college and those of the surrounding areas. I believe this current project is a testament to that, as Livingston campus now looks exactly like Route 18.” In fact, university officials have been so determined to unify Rutgers with its surrounding areas that they have actually employed public works crews from the Rt. 18 project to complete the work on Livingston. According to most officials, normal operations on Livingston are expected to resume on the “eleventeenth of Neverbruary.”
Some tools used by the Calculus 4 Tribe
Livingston Closes Bathrooms: Detours Waste Expulsion to Library Toilets BY KEITH H. CONTRIBUTING WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- In Livingston’s Kilmer Library, human traffic is noticeably on the upswing. While the building is usually known for its long lines near the computer lab – where dozens of students hoping to finish term papers moments before class stand impatiently as assholes update their MySpace and download the latest episode of House – a new, much longer line can often be found on the second floor. No, there is no controversial art exhibit. No, the periodical section has not been stocking Hustler. This crowd of impatient, frustrated guys is actually centered around the men’s cramped, two-stall bathroom. Often regarded as one of the worst cans on campus, this decadesold shithouse has now become one of the most used in all of New Brunswick. Since Livingston officials
Boning the First Amendment is Our Duty ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM
Aüf NËWS-endörf “Theres nothin’ that a hundred men or more could ever do!”
Wednesday, November 19th, 2008
Willy WonMcCormick Opens Up Cook/Douglass Post Office to Five Golden Ad Recipients
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- Because of recent university wide budget cutbacks, the Cook/Douglass post office was forced to reduce its hours drastically, sometimes only staying open for 34 minutes on Mondays. But even that proved much too costly and the University was forced to shut the gates that led to the post office, sealing off the service indefinitely. However, a week ago, the enigmatic Willy WonMcCormick appeared
out of nowhere and announced that there will be a contest in which five lucky recipients would be able to get into the post office and access the long lost service. I have distributed five Golden Wal-Mart advertisements in tomorrow’s Daily Targum,” said WonMcCormick. “Each Golden Ad will entitle the bearer to enter the grounds of my postal center and let their wildest everyday mundane tasks come true.” The next day, Rutgers turned into a madhouse as 2,300 Cook/Douglites
Decriminal Rate Increasing Exponentially in Massachusetts BY ABA SABABA STAFF WRITER
Boston, MA- In a turn of events that experts blame on the November 4th vote on Question 2, the decriminal rate across Massachusetts has skyrocketed. Voters in the state decided to pass the controversial legislation in favor of the decriminalization of marijuana. Proponents of the referendum advocated a law abolishing criminal penalties from possession of marijuana of up to an ounce. The current ratio of decriminals to criminals in Massachusetts is now 4.2 to 1, and rising fast. “It’s like someone just told a bunch of theater majors there was a gay rights rally in my backyard,” said Boston
Sheriff Kurt Sativa, on inquiry. “They are popping up everywhere. It’s absolutely absurd.” When asked how he planned on dealing with the crisis, Sheriff Sativa said, “I just don’t know. People of this country have been advocating decriminalization for years, but they don’t realize the greater problems it inevitably causes. An influx [of decriminals] is obviously one of those problems. As always, I plan on upholding the law to the best of my ability, and putting the bad guys where they belong.” Among the responses includes a new mandate in Boston, where all convicted decriminals must register themselves within thirty days at www.thefreshscent.com.
CONTENTS
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
News Auf Newsendorf Features Opinions Arts Personals Folk Musicians Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16
METAL Prog Rock Screemo Glam Rock Dr. House Music German Bibles Berman Gibles Sweet 16!
Cover by: TanookiRush, Tarmacsl and Tregall
scrambled to snatch up every last Targum delivered to the campus. One by one, the ads were found and the Targum’s that housed them were left in classrooms and lecture halls with the crossword half finished. That Friday, the winning students were greeted outside the post office by a purple top hat wearing Willy WonMcCormick who enthusiastically danced about while tiny orange postal workers sang a song about how strong the connection between Rutgers and the United States Postal Service is.
Each student was escorted into the main C/DPO building where they were able to see amazing things like paying postage on outgoing letters and checking P/O boxes for Asian Culture Association leaflets. “I really just needed to send in my absentee ballot four weeks ago, but this damn post office wasn’t open,” said Mike Block, a Junior who looks coincidentally like a giant block. “Its really just a matter of principle...get out of my way you little orange freak!” As each student left the building, WonMcCormick gave
them their prize for winning, a lifetime supply of blank white envelopes with extremely cheap glue strips on the back of the flap. The winners showed their gratitude by making a huge bonfire out of the letters that warmed the hearts of all who witnessed the spectacle. Currently, there is no plan to hold another contest for the Post Office so students will have to pick up their mail in the USPS Regional Backup Post Office located in Thermopolis, Wyoming.
Proposition 10 Fails to Pass Jimmy’s Bedtime Still “Lame” 9:30 BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Greenfield, OH- After a heated debate between 9 year-old Jimmy Brooks and his parents, Rob and Debra, Proposition 10 or the “Bedtime Rule” motion was defeated when all participants voted 2-1 along party lines. “This is so stupid! My parents never let me do anything that they do! I just want to stay up as late as my older sister does! Its not fair!” said Jimmy before stomping up the stairs, which was meant to show his dislike of the outcome.
Jimmy’s current bedtime is 9:30, which was increased from the previous time of 9:00 on Jimmy’s birthday. Not satisfied with the extra freedom the halfhour gave him, Jimmy petitioned his parents to push his bedtime all the way to 10 o’clock, a feat that no one in Jimmy’s 3rd grade class has been able to pull off yet. “We thought really hard about it, but we don’t think our son is ready to stay up that late doing nothing,” said Rob in a post-vote conference.
A notable absence from the vote was Jimmy’s 14 year-old sister Sara who had recused herself from voting on the grounds that Mike, the cute kid who really likelikes her, called to invite her to see PG-rated Beverly Hills Chihuahua with a hidden agreement to both sneak into an R-rated film, without telling their parents. Across town, the story is different as Nick Polanski, a classmate of Jimmy’s was able to get his bedtime pushed back to 8:45 on the condition that he brushes his teeth and washes his hands before lights out.
WEATHER OR NOT
Today Tonight
My Lord, when did this freaking cold weather come along? It sucks! Let’s just say that you’ll need 3 pairs of long john’s for class
Thursday OCP RUNS THE COPS! Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editors Whats Shakin’ Editors
Friday YOU’RE A COP! Paul Winters Colin Fong John Bender Tim Swanson Jake Lewandowski Picasa Studios Dave Imbriaco Kaitie Davis Santiago Melli-Huber Abe Stanway
Business Manager Staff Photograper Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor Faculty Advisor
Gary Klimowicz Helen Ortiz Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz John Q. Not Here Ryan Barton Barbara Reed
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to BRAWNDO Energy Drink. So much energy, you can’t help but to HIJACK a REAL TRAIN made of RAGING BULLETS. RAGING TRAIN BULLETS!
Same day as always, November 19, 2008
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES
Proposition 9 Falls Flat Sequel to Prop 8 is rushed, too comic-bookey * * X X X 2 Stars out of 5 Written by All too often, the Over-produced Music Sux proposal’s serious analyses Contributing Writer of human rights issues and the examination of the prinLos Angeles ciple theories underlying our Attempting to cash Constitution are interrupted in on the immense popular- by huge explosions, kung-fu ity and critical acclaim of fight scenes, and full-frontal this month’s Proposition 8, male nudity. Even the origilawmakers and officials in nal proposal’s main theme California released the fol- – the issue of gay marriage low-up, Proposition 9: The rights – has been cut in faAppeal, in select Los An- vor of a “less controversial” geles areas last night. And and “more family oriented” while fans of the original issue: should one man be had been clamoring for a forced to live in a world sequel for nearly two weeks controlled by armed zomnow, this second effort is a bie/ninja mutants who have stark and disappointing de- murdered his family. parture from the original. While the proposal A number of cast has its moments, most notachanges, most notably the bly the scene in which Willis replacing of California At- arm wrestles Governor Artorney General Jerry Brown nold Schwarzenegger, nawith actor Bruce Willis and ked, to keep California from the addition of famed stunt sinking into the ocean, the director John Woo, turned majority of the legislation this once-serious, issue- is nowhere near as poignant heavy franchise into little or thought-provoking as the more than a cheezy audi- original. Wait until this one ence-grabber. comes out on HBO. When most people think “Heavy Metal”, the idea of what this genre is, is really quite far apart from what it actually is. Thus, I am putting this list of genres and subgenres to show the diversity in this vast and worldly form of music... Black - The evil Satanic breed, generally raw and under-produced, though can be symphonic at times: Mayhem, Cradle of Filth, Darkthrone, Emperor, Dimmu Borgir... Death - The general stereotype that most assign to modern metal, this has growls for vocals with instruments being hard and fast: Death, Cannible Corpse, Arch-Enemy... Doom - Slow, heavy and dark. Think: Black Sabbath, Candlemass, Electric Wizard... Folk - Anything that features folk influence, self-explanatory: Tuatha De Danann, Cruachan, Fintroll, Skyclad Glam - 80’s hair rock, ‘nuff said... Gothic - Very ambiguous and interpretive, but has come to be associated with female operatic vocals: , Lacuna Coil, Leaves Eyes, Tristania, Paradise Lost, After Forever... Industrial - Has Industrial elements added in, they are cool, though weird: Rammstein, Ministry, KMFDM... Nu - Kind of a fusion of Hip-Hop and Metal to varying degrees: Slipknot, Disturbed, Linkin Park, Fear Factory... Power - The more upbeat face of heavy metal, Generally consists of high-pitched “clean” vocals and well-produced instrumentation: Dragonforce, Hammerfall, Manowar, Iced Earth, Blind Guardian, Stratovarious, Kamelot Progressive - Very technical and musically complex: Dream Theatre, Queensrÿche, Fates Warning Thrash - 80’s underground metal, primarily. Think: Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax, Slayer, Testament Symphonic - When metal meets symphony orchestras and choirs, very epic and grand affairs usually: Nightwish, Symphony X, Epica, Therion, Rhapsody of Fire Editor’s Note: Note that this blurb just barely even begins to describe the vastness and diversity of Heavy Metal music, To truly know one must look into it themselves...
BE A MAN!
C
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As you know, Sarah Palin got creamed in the vote for V.P of the United States a couple weeks ago. You’re probably disappointed that her sexiness won’t be brought from Wasilla to Washington. Oh, how wrong you are. There are lots (and I mean lots) of beautiful Pic 1: Sen. Barbara Mikulski (D-MD) Pic 2: Rep. Sue Myrick (R-NC-09) She is the most senior of the female senators. Thinks all Muslims are terrorists. With Oh, and great news, fellas: she’s single! beauty like that, how can we doubt her?
This Monkey is Probably Smarter than Most of you People What’s that bee- that campus. Hence, hive-shaped thing it seemed only natuthat sits on the grass ral that Douglass in front of the Mabel Smith library? Each campus has over the years commissioned artists to create sculptures that reflect the heritage of
Play in my kitchen, and you’re gunna’ get burnt.. Just ask the female personals editor..
THE OBAMAPINIONS November 19th, 2008, Wednesday? MEDIUM Get A Job, Oldies! Who Are Barnes and Noble Really? “Pills for dinner. What are we, Judy Garland?”
By Seven McQueen Dear 40+ Rutgers Students: WE GET IT!! You’re old. We know. I don’t care about your kids or your kids’ kids. They can rot for all I care, so don’t interrupt class to give some anecdote about raising a family or having a ‘real’ job. Clearly, your life is far more fucked up then mine if you have to go back and actually educate yourself on something you should have learned 30 years ago. Oh, and p.s. I’m pretty sure majoring in art history isn’t exactly going to put you on the right track either so shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my youth.
Recently in the news, it has come to our attention that the management of the University bookstores has been taken over by some-
Torgo Van Pelt
Teapot dome you say? I remember that day well, it was the same day my son came down with bubonic plague...
Economists Stink By Stablo Fables To the grimy bastard that chose to sit next to human beings in Economics 1:10pm. You went to the wrong class. You actually belong in the class of pigs, because that is what you are. You sat there coughing on people the entire lecture. You then decided that you would challenge yourself by biting your nails while picking your nose, and occasionally using your fingers
one new. No, it will no longer be managed by eFollett. We all know about them, so I won’t dwell on them any longer. No, this new company is some duo that goes by the name of Barnes and Noble. Or maybe, it’s not a duo, maybe it’s one guy who feels so full of himself that he has two names. But I digress. Anyway, this uncer-
tainty of whether or not this the name of one person or two leads into the big question: who, or what, is Barnes and Noble? Let’s figure out what we do know. They must be interested in books, since they took the contract to run the stores. And they must have lots of money, since lately our University won’t pass down an opportunity to gain more profit to dump eFollett. And... well, that’s about it. Now, let us just jump into the mindless speculation part of this article. Maybe, just maybe Barnes and Noble is some evil organization that wants to control the world by running college bookstores
across the world? But how would they enslave us with books? Maybe if they threw really big ones at us, than it would really hurt. Or maybe, they are a bunch of book burners, who want to torch anything that is fun. Nah, the University would never be that dumb. Shit, this is so hard to figure out. If only, there was a way we knew better what they were. Maybe if there was a place, possibly a place of commerce? Yes, a place of commerce, you could call it a store; a store where we could learn of their actions. But where could we find one of these places? The world is big; it could be anywhere.
to clean your ears. Did you come across anything interesting? You examined those picks for quite a while. I came soo close to just calling you out right there for being utterly disgusting, when you turned your head Based on discussions with other writers, I guess this B&N thing would I fought the urge to stick my look something like this, but what does it contain, and where could i pen through your neck. Too find one of these things, if they actually exist after all? bad we can’t change the past. Find a fucking bathroom and clean your orifices in there, so no one has to By Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK) see your porkish ways. Editor’s Note: In what looks to be the first of a, I dunno, one part series, we turn to the most senior member of the Republican caucus, Ted Stevens of Alaska for a look at several definitions that you won’t find in Merriam-Webster; for, as we all know, that book is ridiculously biased towards the lower 48 states.
the ted stevens dictionary
FRIENDLY REMINDER: NOVEMBER IS NOVEMBER HISTORY MONTH The month may be 2/3 over, but it is never too late to celebrate November History Month. This celeberation should be a somber celebration of Novembers past. Such as November 1529. Remember that November? That was awesome. But not as awesome as November
1953. So, for the rest of the month, celebrate this November by doing what you usually do, but with a sense of purpose on your mind. But be ready for the future. Spoiler Alert!: November 2412 will rock! November 2022, not so much.
We always need articles, submit’em to opinions@themedium.net. Also, check out our meetings where we discuss our past issues, talk about the future, and engage in constant power struggles. We meet at room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center, Wednesday night at 9 PM. Be there!
Jail- A place which is basically a series of boxes. The Bridge to Penitentiary- A new project which, using $600 million of federal taxpayer dollars, connects the main complex of the Fairbanks Federal Penitentiary with the exercise area 500 feet away via suspension bridge. An important project if you ask me. Previously, if one wanted to go there, you had to walk on the ground. Well, now you no longer have to get yourself dusty from dirt, or get tangled up with the other people of the prison community. Some people say that the bridge is a complete waste of money. To that I say, quit stealing from me. We need this bridge to bring Alaska into the 22nd century. Rape- Rape is a series of tubes. Hot sweaty tubes. But it is not a dump truck, you do not just dump wherever. It could cause serious congestion. Earmark reform- It is the worst thing that has ever been unleashed on our society. Much, much, worse than the Holocaust. My constituents being denied 208 million dollars for the design and the construction of The Ted Stevens Institute for the Study of Tropical Plants and Animals is much, much worse than being rounded up and killed.
Wednesday, November 19th, 2008
ARTS
“JESUS CHRIST ITS THE TANK RUN THE FUCK AWAY RIGHT NOW”
Editorial Congratulations, people. You managed to send two measly submissions my way. Do you think you’re better people for it? Well, you’re not, so you should stop thinking that way. Don’t think you can leach off of the accomplishments of the two people, you pieces of shit. You worthless pieces of shit. You are bad and you should feel bad. You know, I’m honestly beginning to believe that nobody reads this. The thought of that is slowly crushing me, and it hurts, it really hurts. What’s the point of continuing? Why am I still going along with this charade? WHY DO I KEEP TYPING IF NOBODY WILL READ? You know, the previous two paragraphs run through my head every time I sit down to InDesign and bang out another editorial.
But it doesn’t fucking matter, because this is just a masturbatory act I perform, to feel better about myself by putting any fucking thing I want in a paper that puts out thirty-five HUNDRED copies across four campuses in a world-renown university with a enrollment of almost 30,000 people. What the FUCK have YOU done today? However, it’s not as if I just phone it in. I don’t just shit out whatever crap I have lying around and put it in my section, then book it out of here real quick. I put effort into making you people entertained, I really do. I did a review for Left 4 Dead, the game is really excellent, you should buy it. Submissions go to arts@themedium.net Cal-En Managing Editor
JESUS CHRIST IT’S JESUS CHRIST!
THE MEDIUM
Review 4 Left 4 Dead Left 4 Dead is an awesome game. You kill zombies in said game. Jesus Christ. You guys really, really need to play this game. Like, right this very instant. Ok, some backstory, I suppose. Left 4 Dead has been in planning/development for a long while. In the last few years we’ve been teased with videos and a few conventions even got playable demos. The game was released as a demo in what is pretty much it’s finalized version on Friday and will be released in complete form on Tuesday. This article will be read on Wednesday, but all I can really review is the demo which, I must say, is compelling. In the finalized game there’s a single-player mode, a multiplayer co-op mode, and a multiplayer adversarial mode, in which a
team of four plays the boss monsters that one usually opposes in the story mode. The main meat in the game is the 4-player coop, and the rest of the game revolves around it. The basic gist is that four people are escaping a zombie infested area and must make their way through waves of zombies and the occasional super-zombie to the goal. The super-zombies come in several varieties. There’s the Smoker, who has a long, powerful tongue and can constrict and fuck up your dudes. The Boomer spits bile on your dudes, causing all the zombies in the area to get attracted to that person and savage your team. Hunters stalk and murder their prey, pinning one of your party-mates and seriously fucking shit up. Witches are scary bitches, running fast and murdering their target, before weeping and running into the night. The worst I saved
for last, is the motherfucking Tank. The Tank is the most horrible motherfucker ever. It never dies and it runs around murdering your entire party. You need to be smart and use the terrain to your advantage, because otherwise he’s going to catch one of you and punch you with his fists. The game is full of brick-shitting moments from the first time you stare down the zombie Horde to when you’re trying to kill the goddamned Hunter that’s ravaging your group and are suddenly pulled away by the disturbing and familiar tug of the fucking Smoker. Jesus the game is scary. This game is a heavy recommendation from me. It’s made by Valve, the guys that brought you Team Fortress 2 and Portal, so you know it’s going to be good. Buy this game now. Like, right now.
THE MEDIUM (It has come to my limited attention that there were numerous typos on last week’s page. It is all your fault. That is correct, YOU who is right now reading this whilst eating unidentifiable food patties at the dining hall. Do you think that my job as editor means that I actually correct your entries like little mommy asswiper? HA!) To my roommate who is also the personals editor. HIIII! I find it very ironic that last week you incessantly complained about the guy who farted on your bus when you yourself feel the need every morning to climb out of bed and start your day with a good panty burp (Hey, shouldn’t you be on Facebook? Everyone, meet my ‘GREAT’ roommate! Now let me tell you, senorita assholiness, my bunder bombs are GOOD for the environment, because I am comprised of mystical gases and vapors!) To all phat gangstas who voted for Obama. You fools! He’s only halfblack. Would a fax machine vote for a cyborg who’s half-Peruvian? No! Peruvians are coke-peddling cum-dumpsters To the fat asses sitting next to me on the REXL: Can you not see that I am half your size? Why is it that you insist on spreading your arms out and crushing me? To the one on my left, I could give a shit less to what you are listening to so stop covering your screen. To the one on my right why can’t you move your fucking ass to the next seat? Better yet, why don’t you get off the bus and run back home maybe that way you wouldn’t be so fucking obese. To the stupid whore wearing the red poncho: Why the fuck do you feel the need to cover your entire face while running? Its barely drizzling. You look ridiculous. I hope you run into a tree (Why, it’s Little Red Riding Hood, riding da hood- yo ) hot dogs will kill you and everyone you love !
PERSONALS
The Day the Earth Stood on its hands, 2008
“Picture me in a vat of Crisco....”
To the two annoying bitches in the basement lounge: Did you not see me trying to write my expos paper alone in quiet before you came in? Is there a reason you kept talking so god damn loud? Do me a favor, either make out, (yeah, I see you touching and rubbing each other), or SHUT THE FUCK UP. (On a scale of one to five, five being the funniest, your personal recieves a neagtive two. Please excuse me whilst I go cry for humanity) Fuck the Doonesberry strip! You’re never funny! (Wow. Someone I actually agree with. I think I’m going to erupt into flames) Dear Professor: Fuck you and your bull shit class. I’m not prejudice against those you speak English as their second language, but I am prejudice against dumb fucking whores who are suppose to teach literature but instead just puts on movies all god damn day... oh and who can’t speak English. Fuck you. Yes I’m going to continue coming late every god damn day and yes, I am sticking to my bullshit story about how I have medical reasons that are personal for my lateness Everyone needs to seriously go to Zern’s Farmers Market and buy some hot cashews. They feel like an orgasm in your mouth because they are HOT!! (Now, if I were to put my hand on a stove right now, it would indeed feel hot but it would certainly not feel like an “orgasm.” Your logic needs help. Go back to philosophy school, Henry David Thoroughly Confused) To the people in the South Tower, 2nd Floor: I’m the one peeing on all the toilet seats! MUAHAHAHA And I wont stop either (you might want to get that checked out by el doctor...) To the dude who lives on Easton Ave who was blasting Indian music in his room a few nights ago; Was that really necessary? That shit was so awful that it was starting to make my ears bleed hummus and chick peas!
To the cocky derivative in my Calc class: stop being so fucking stuck up. Just because you can be integrated and your girfriend is a factorial doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole ( n e r d h u m o r. . . g i v e s me nerdgasms) To my fuckin roomate who feels the need to pretend 2 be a lesbian in order 2 get guys 2 like her, i hope u find a big brolick as dyke dat really thinks u r gay... y the fuck r u sooo stupid??? an another thing! stop inviting 4 and 5 guys over in a single night 2 eat ur stank ass pussy... sum people actually have early classes 2 get 2, an wuld appreciate being able 2 get a good nights sleep once in a fuckin while!!! shit!!! ..pissed in seattle.. If I go another morning at Busch without some fucking Reeces Puffs cereal, I swear to Zeus I’ll rick-roll every reader of the Medium (Let this frightening personal be an example to all you boys and goyls out there: Reeces Puffs ranks right up there with bubble tea and Kool Aid as the most notorious crackinfused foods. Cigarettes are not the only foods designed to hook their consumers. HELP US RALPH NADER! General Mills, Post and Kellogs are the evil Triad of sugary crunch!) To the RexB driver: that ride had more turbulence than a fucking jet (...and this bothers you BECAUSE??? Oh, riiight, you are not of the a n a t o m i c a l ly privileged sex) I spilled creamed spinach all over my lucky pants. The pants that I have gotten lucky in numerous times. The pants that I have never WASHED, EVER, and look now!! I am morally conflicted (Creamed spinach you say... Don’t wash it! It probably looks a lot like the other stains your “lucky” pants have accumulated)
Dave thinks he is the only one capable of making a poll of the week... I’ll show him... I’ll show you ALL! AHHha HAAA! (rolls on floor in evil conniption fit)
To the girl in my Comm 101 class who got “Classy” tatooed on the inside of her lip; You are in fact, NOT CLASSY. You wouldn’t know “classy” if it hit you in your stupid Malibu Bitchbie head. Which, by the way, I doubt has any brains in it because you are flunking an Intro class. shamona the rubber chicken just had surgery last night and to all who was worried for her well-being...she is once again able scream. She is, however still a fucking w h o r e EGADS! The bagels are fuzzy! EGADS! Your personal sucks! To my Sociology professor, today you walked over and stood right above me, all intellectualee and condescendinglee, but in reality I was inwardly laughing at YOOOU, because your armpits smell like expired burger king stuffed inside a dead body! To that douchebag screaming out my window. If you insist on dragging your drunk ass through my alleyway and knocking over all my fucking garbage, the least you can do is shut the fuck up. Next time I’ll bring out the hot oil—medieval style (medieval style?? I think chamber pots would be more fun-eth) To that loud, annoying bitch that’s always visiting Perry 3rd floor, I don’t know where you came from, but do us all a favor, STAY THERE fudgie dingaling bars!
To the asshole with the fucking disgusting dreadlocks in my creative writing class: did anyone ever tell you how much of a pompous fuckbag you are? We asked politely if you wanted to work together with us and your practically spit in our faces and sent us away. Look, I’m sorry we’re not good enough for you and your amazing poetry (which is fucking AWFUL, I should mention - a 2nd grader could write better than you, twat) but would you mind coming down from your high horse to talk to us? I’m sorry that you just can’t be bothered by us lower people. Oh how I dream of ripping your dreads out one by one, tying them into a noose around your neck and setting them on fire. Fuck you, you worthless piece of shit. Those hispanic guidos who poof up their hair and then push it back with a headband ... I wonder if they realize they have the exact same hair updo as Cinderella. the milk in my fridge is chunky like J-Lo Donkey punch at 2 am? YEA (Little side note from Ms. Personals: The Features editor- who is currently listening to the musical equivalent of eye gouging, at full volume is an extravaganga ASSHOLE... who also makes a great deal of peculiar bodily noises and makes me concerned for my safety.) (You think you are the greatest thing since powdered milk? Prove it! personals@themedium. n e t )
Wednesday, November 19, 2008 (I want to start off this week’s page with a certain submission that was responding to one from last week and my comment on it. This specific person wanted to give me a lesson. Without further ado, here’s the submission followed by my response.) To the fucking CUNT that called us douchebags in last weeks paper and apparently sat in front of us in Gen. Psych, First of all If you are so annoyed by us we will gladly leave just take our fucking clickers you piece of shit. Second of all If you’re so insulted by our “British accent impersonations” fucking turn around and say something to our faces instead of being a pussy and bitching about it through a newspaper. Also, to the personal editor heres a quick lesson for you, we’re not retarded, are heads aren’t in our asses, and it’s impossible for them to ever come out of “our dicks” considering were girls and don’t have them. I think nothing more needs to be said. ( 1) Sounds like you are the stupid dumb bitches that the other person described. I’m sure you won’t be missed in that class. 2) Fake British accents are fucking stupid anyways, and if I ever hear that you’re doing it again, I’m goiung to order your mouths permanently plugged with my junk. 3) To quote you exactly, “ARE heads aren’t up our asses”. Thanks for telling us, morons, and I’m sorry I got you anatomy wrong. When you pull your head out of your vagina then, I hope you’ll notice how rotten and shrivled it is from lack of use. Let this be an example to anyone who dares to provoke me...) To that loud, annoying bitch that’s always visiting Perry 3rd floor, I don’t know where you came from, but do us all a favor, STAY THERE! Dudas BFF...you are a lumberjack! and I need more friendship stat! to all the wierdos who find it socially acceptable to play the air drums on the EE bus....WTF where do you come from Girls have vaginas, boys have penises.
PERSONALS
To penis-having personals editor. In this past issue of the Medium, you referred to hispanic women at rutgers as “people of inferior intelligence”. Watch yourself, bro, that’s how Imas went out. Those fucking dirty, fake-Catholic, whore, baby-making, senioritas will claw your eyes out. (Thanks for the warning, man.) to my friend’s roomate. I hate when you make fun of me and have sarcastic remarks for every fucking thing you have to say. you make fun of me when i talk in a southern accent and for being in love with Palin. you make fun of me for listening to taylor swift and kenny chesney. you call me gay and always with that dumb laugh of yours. at least i’m not a lesbian who masterbaits to her roomate! ahh wish you never told me that story. who’s laughing now bitch?? (Wow, you misspelled “masturbate”, you love Sarah Palin, and you listen to horrible fucking music. I would write more, but I can sum it up in three words: DO NOT REPRODUCE!) To the asshole who took my seat on the L bus at 9:30pm on Monday: MOVE THE FUCK OVER! SHARE THE FUCKING SPACE! To the rest of the male seathoggers: MOVE your shit under your seat and STOP HOGGING the goddamn free seats! ESPECIALLY ON FULL BUSSES! Think for once! It’s cold outside, maybe we girls need to sit down too and warm up! (We need those seats just as much as you do, you feminist male-hating bitch. Plus, standing would keep you warmer, unless you plan on sitting down and ripping ass the entire ride and just baking in your own hot anal fumes. I bet you’re fat too.) I am a cougar and a fulltime rutgers student living on campus...where are all the 18/19 year olds at??? (A perverted cougar? Where’s my fucking rifle?) The last time I looked at a world map and put my nose on India, I quickly jumped back. It reeked!!!!
“Ummm, no.” To the asshole who left his hair all over the 3rd floor mens room at Perry Hall, I hope you go bald, and that your cock falls off you disgusting piece of shit. HEY!!! Asshole who parked behind my car at Sears so I couldn’t fucking get my car out- I had to drive over a fucking curb and over a sidewalk in order to get the fuck out!!!!ASS. but b4 I left, I put my used tampon in ur gas tank. ENJOY! ASS. P.S. y do the richardson apartments smell like the used tampon grilled in that kids gas tank? (I hope to god that you aren’t lying about that. That may be one of the most awesome things I’ve ever heard in my life.) Want to open your mind? Next time you take a dump, sit on the toilet reversed..you’ll NEVER be the same! (The only reason my mind would be open after that would be because I beat myself with a meat tenderizer after doing something retarded like that.) To my boyfriend: Sorry for farting while you were eating me out. If it’s any consolation it was partly due to your toe curling cunnilingus skills and to make it up to you I’ll be your sex slave as long as we’re together (aka: forevah evah?). [=o ~<=8 (Go online and search “Tucker Max Buttsex.” Now.) Dear Rutgers Students: I would like you all to know, that your sex lives will never measure up to mine, even if you fuck 10 different people a night. I suck dick better than you, he fucks me harder that you can, and I moan louder than anyone else on this campus. So enjoy the meaningless drunk humping that you call sex, while I get made love to every night. Sincerely, the best Fuckers around. (Alright, bitch. Think you’re the best fuck around? Prove it. Send us a tape and let Rutgers decide for themselves. The gauntlet has been picked up, slut. Put up or shut up. Yes, this is a direct, personal dare. Show us how hot your sex really is.)
To that girl who sits behind me in my General Psych class (third row from the front on the far right). You’re really cute. I think we should chill sometime. If you wanna talk, I’m easy to spot cause I always wear a red bandana. So hit me up sexy, I’ll be waiting ;) (I think you just guaranteed that you aren’t getting any from her, dumbass.) To that ugly cleaning lady bitch at the Busch Dining Center. You’re the ugliest bitch I’ve ever seen in my life. Your breath stinks and your teeth are yellow. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if you don’t have any kids, because no man would ever want to put his dick in your rotten pussy. That’s right bitch. No man supports you so that’s why you clean up floors at Busch to make that extra buck, because nobody will hire your ugly self for a normal job. I hope you die, bitch and go to hell for your ugliness I hate people who get on the CROWDED bus at 6:00 when you are desperately trying to get to your 6:10 class, and then get off about 5 seconds later at a stop that is right down the street, therefore stepping all over your feet and making you late because they are too damn lazy to walk their ass t h e r e ! Mad TV was canceled! Yay!! (Thanks for all the submissions everyone! personals@themedium.net is the place to send shit. I see you all listened to me last week. Good readers. Don’t piss me off again.)
THE MEDIUM To the person in black shoes: What the hell’s the matter with you? Of all the places on campus where you could have taken a nice shit you decide to do it in Scott Hall. Think of your options man. Scott’s is completely disgusting and if you’re actually going to use a public toilet, the experience should be as pleasant as possible. Do you hate yourself? Is that why you did it? There are secret clean bathrooms all over Cook campus, some even have paper towels. Try the basement in Waller Hall. They’ve got a vent fan and even a pretty little bouqet of flowers by the window. I mean honestly.. Scott Hall? Dear fuckbag, You weren’t special. You meant absolutely nothing to me and you fucking fail at life. You might think I’m easy because I gave you a blowjob, but honestly I was willing to do anything to keep your hands away from my fucking vagina because you really just fail at trying to please any woman. I hate you, your dick is small and you’re a bitch. You and your cracked out slutty girlfriend belong together, oh wait sorry. She doesn’t want you anymore does she. I wonder why. Maybe I should tell her about our night together, or the times you cheated on her with other random girls. Actually, I’m facebook messaging her right now, have fun explaining this one a s s h o l e . To Katie or however you spell it.. You look like Molly Ringwald from The BC. wink. Drink yourself, mechanical elf.
And now a special comment from Johnny Challenger from the Medium News Desk...
“We HAVE a News Desk?” - Opinions Editor Torgo Van Pelt To the fratty jerk off with a pooping pooch, I’m glad that someone in the world has the decency to not curb their dog after it shits right next to the entrance of the Grease Trucks. I just wanted to thank you for the hour of running hot water over my shoe and digging the shit out of the grooves with a bobby-pin after walking from Frat row to Campbell. I wish I knew where you lived because I’d shit all over your porch, making it inevitable to not get my digested lunch all over the bottom of your feet when you get the mail. My Nikes will never be the same. (To whoever is responsible for said activity: seriously, fuck you. Your dog took a nice shit right in front of my fucking house, for god’s sake. This isn’t Paris, you fucking dipshit. Have some fucking common courtesy and clean up after your fucking asshole of a dog.)
THE WHAT’S SHAKIN’? Wednesday, November 19th, 2008 MEDIUM On Campus On This Day In History “Like, I’m no doctor, but I don’t think that’s possible, with like, cartilage and bones and shit”
November 20th - “Thats My Bag, Baby!” Mike Meyers on his recent purchase of marijuana. Munchies served. Hickman 132 at 4:20 p.m. November 23rd - “Snausages: A Classic” (74 mins.) Documentary Screening; The New Jersey Film Festival Students and Seniors - $10 Adults - $12 Scott Hall Room 203 8:00 p.m.
Off Campus Today - Make sure you poop, flush, wipe, flush and celebrate World Toilet Day! ...(I shit you not) November 21st - Tom Hanks to host prescreening of “Joe and the Volcano Taco” in NYC in what most experts agree to be the most audacious instance of product placement to plague Hollywood yet November 25th - Obama to initiate showering the Middle East with condoms in an effort to reduce weapons of crass reproduction
6,304 B.C. - Caveman is killed by time traveling douchebag
70 B.C. - Roman warriors circle jerk for the first time during the conquest of Gaul 1692 - Turkeys across the colonies start to get a bit nervous 1953 - Shake n’ Bake meets success, after a slew of failed product lines, including: Flake n’ Bake - Shampoo for Chefs! Steak n’ Bake - America’s Favorite Meat! Wake n’ Bake - A Guidebook for Dummies! Rake n’ Bake - Motorized Leaf Solutions! Take n’ Break - How to Rob Your Neighbor; All-In-One Kit! 1978 - Kool-Aid sales spike after Jonestown cult suicides garner national attention 1994 - Amanda just doesn’t know, at this point 2006 - Man sneezes at light speed and gets transported to the past
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