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NOVEMBER 16th, 2016
Volume LII Issue xi 50¢ DEF NOT MAD
RUTGERS "TOTALLY FINE" WITH THROWING IT'S OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY BY GRIND ALL EXPLORA REPORTA
NEW BRUNSWICK--Rutgers finally decided to celebrate it's 250th birthday last week by throwing its own party. The university declared it was "totally fine" with throwing its own birthday party. "Yeah I mean it's not like I was dropping hints for a whole year or anything," said the university in a statement to the press last Tuesday. "It's fine, I guess some schools like Penn State just have better things to do! Whatever!" The past year has shown Rutgers desperate attempts to get anyone to acknowledge the 250th celebration on November 9th. If you visit the university you cannot turn a corner without seeing the words "250", "historic", and "the birthplace".
WHATEVER, ITS FINE! Rutgers definitely doesn't mind that it has to throw it's own party.
"I mean it's totally fine! TCNJ just wasn't up for the planning. I'm totally not going to hold a grudge against them or anything," continued the university before encouraging students to change the classic "Fuck Penn State" chant to "Fuck Penn State and TCNJ". When asked about this the university said, "I just I think it's fair for other schools to know what kind of friendships they're signing up for". There has been no word from the other schools of New Jersey and Pennsylvannia on why they ignored the Rutgers birthday. Sources close to the other universites have said the schools didn't even realize when the birthday was since there was a 365 day non-stop celebration.
SOLIDARITY
White Men Finally Feel Safe In United States of America
BY ARTHUR CASE AGING WHITE MAN
UNITED STATES—A week after the conclusion of the most intense presidential election quite possibly in history, the smoke is starting to clear and citizens of the US are starting to realize who they've elected. President-Elect Donald
Trump has made it abundantly clear that he has no interest in the well-being of hispanic people, muslims, women, gay people, immigrants, refugees, or (probably) Jews. However, he does truly resonate with the nations most oppressed group— white, middle class men. "I just think he really gets it,"
says local white man and All Lives Matter Facebook activist Ernie Smith. "He understands that we need to protect this country from terrorism, and that's why we can't let any muslims into our beautiful country." Smith, who describes himself enthusiastically as "not racist," is excited for his 7 year old son, Michael, to witness the first white president of his lifetime. "It's going to be great. I think Trump is going to do a great job as president. I'm excited for my son to finally have his country back. We're going to do great things." Smith says he is extremely optimistic that Trump can unite our beloved country.
FUCKING YOUR MOM Since 1970
EXXXOTICA 2016 COVERAGE INSIDE!
QUICKIES
RIP The Peach Emoji I Had Sex With a Frat Bro, Now What?
Family Prepares for Grandpa's Racist remarks at Thanksgiving Cuffing Season Rapidly Approaching; Many Still Unprepared Trump Looks Into Feasibility of Covering White House With Gold Leaf Electoral College To Be Replaced With Metric Sytem
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NEWS
Wednesday, November 16TH 2016
themedium.news@gmail.com
"BRING LANDEN BACK 2016"
TYPICAL TREE HUGGER
MIND FUCK
Sioux Native Americans Just Glad To Be Back In The News BY WALTER CRONKITE LIVING PERSON
Dog Disappointed To Find Out Owner Has Only Two Nipples JON GALT RESIDENT OLD DUDE
TIME TO GET BACK AT IT Protesters at standing rock to resume protesting now that the media is watching again
STANDING ROCK, ND—The Dakota Access Pipeline protest has been a source of contention for months as Sioux natives fight against corporations to preserve their land. It’s been a long struggle for the Sioux people, who continue to lose land that’s rightfully theirs, but, according to community leaders, at least they’re back in the news. “For some reason, a lot of white people are following this story,” said Chief KeepsGetting FuckedOver. “I know we’ll probably lose our land again, but hey, at least we’re back in the news.” The pipeline is supposed to go through reservation land in large parts of the Dakotas and will destroy people’s homes. The pipeline was originally planned to go through white people’s homes, but they complained enough and pawned off their problem to a non-white group, a common theme in American history. “I can’t be mad,” said FuckedOver. “I mean, it’s been
Editorial Staff Fall 2016
like this since 1492. At least we have a bunch of Bernie Bros who are really loud and pretend to care. If only they actually did something and realize we’re suffering a lot more than this. I mean, look at our reservations. We live in squalor and people don’t give a shit about that. But, ya know, fuck it apparently.” Many young Americans have been vocal about this issue and adopted it as their own, bringing it to the public’s attention. However, not many people have taken real action in support of the local community, and only changed their location on Facebook in pseudosolidarity of the cause. “They say they were at Standing Rock, but then they go buy gas at Sunoco and forget about the real issues,” said FuckedOver. “Freakin’ white people. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Actually, you can live without them, but it’s too late now. At least they know we exist again.”
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Andrew Blustein Sifat Mahbub Andrew Blustein
Fratypus
OH SHIT Sparky really fucking disappointed that his owners only have two nipples
NEW BRUNSWICK--The Seeing Eye Puppy Club has found worldwide fame with the creation of a viral video. The video accumulated nearly 15-million views in the first five hours. In the video, a pup named Sparky saunters into his owner's bedroom. The owner, a woman named Kelsie Callahan, and her boyfriend, Michael Minzetti, were in the throes of filming a passionate home video together at the time. When purebred pug Sparky climbs onto the bed and into the shot, his reaction is adorably priceless. The video, shot from a first-person perspective, shows Sparky yipping, concerned about his owner's bare chest. Callahan quickly covers herself and the dog turns to Minzetti, sniffing his torso just below the chest inquisitively. The couple posted an edited video
to YouTube under the title "Dog learns owner has only two nipples". "We're really glad to have this public presence now," explains Callahan, "because the Club has received small donations and has been contacted by IAMS for a dog food sponsorship." Callahan is a senior School of Arts and Sciences student who has been involved with the school's puppy raising club for three years. She hopes this video will be awareness to all dogs to help them better understand the differences between humans and animals. Minzetti, whose body is featured prominently in the video, told reporters, "I expected to post this on a more mature site but I'm pleased by the popularity of this one. I don't think my amateur porn could have been even half as successful. And definitely nowhere near as cute."
NewsEdtors James Mullen III Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Dan Um Personals Editor Connor McCarthy Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Darcy Ritt
Sports Editor Michael Okolo Copy Editor Jonathan Holzsager Kevin McClintock Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche SNL Opening Sketch
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This week's issue is dedicated to that nice lady we met at Exxxotica.
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OPINIONS “IT’S YAGNESH!”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
When was the last time you shit your pants?
“I have been toilet trained since I came out of the womb.” Priyan Ganja Is an asshole himself.
“I’m good for two of them a year.” George Brett Baseball Hall of Famer.
“I am shitting my pants right now. Please stand back.” Jane Chocolacks Smells really bad.
A HISTORY OF THE WORLD: PART TOAST
HISTORY AND REVIEW: TOAST BY FUI VON WIWI Much overlooked, the toast has always been forced into the shadow of his highly regarded brother, the sliced bread. However, toast has been pushing culinary boundaries since its creation in 1893. Redefining what you can call a snack, or breakfast, or how badly something can be burned and still eaten without much complaint, toast has been the epicenter of progressive and experimental food movements of the past 100 or so years. The toaster was first created by Alan MacMasters, who desperately wanted an easier way to cook lettuce. However, a freak accident caused Alan to accidently place a slice of bread into the toaster, take it out about two minutes later, lightly butter it on both sides, and eat it. Since then, toast has become a staple food item in modern culinary history. Early supporters of the toast include visionaries such as Paul McCartney, Martin Luther King Jr., Pablo Picasso, Henry Rollins, 28th President of the United States Woodrow Wilson, Elon Musk, and Kanye. Toast was early on a major success in the underground world, served and eaten mainly in dive bars and train station bathrooms. However, like all great things, word quickly spread, and toast became a household name, forever changing the culinary landscape. Personally, I think it’s pretty great when you want to eat something, and are ok if what you eat tastes like a Californian forest fire.
Wednesday, November 16th, 2016
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YOU SAY YOU DON’T WANT A REVOLUTION?
THE REVOLUTIONARY STATUE MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF. BY BETTY COLLINS
I was having such a good day, the sun was shining, I felt the cold air, crisp on my plump lips. I had taken an Adderall I had gotten from my roommate’s cousin and got done the essay I had to. Walking, I was simply walking from the Scott Hall bus stop to Murray Hall, when out of the corner of my eye I see that fucking sign. It turned my whole day to shit. It was to my left, and I could see it framed like a fucking douchebag between the two wings of that new building. Fucking let me drink bleach. While I was contemplating my self-inflicted demise, I noticed that the buildings kinda looks like legs, like outstretched legs of a woman on a bed. Either wing is reaching up, and the thing at the center, the thing you want, the cunt, is fucking blocked by a chastity belt. I also think I heard Henry the Silent speaking because that fucking sign is a goddamn virgin. Way to ruin everything, Rutgers. Fucking let me just hang. No honestly, my main fucking problem is that we are a fucking colonial school. We have some mad crazy potential with branding. Some regal and austere images could adorn our campus. Instead, we get a mother-fucking block R sign that has nothing to do with revolutionary war, or revolutionary shit happening on campus. It’s just a fucking bunch of letters made of plastic from China. Cool Rutgers, cool, care about other countries economies more than our own, fuck you. We should be patriotic as fuck. Where is the fucking American flag? This University should be synonomous with the good parts of American history, but instead it makes me want to fucking kill myself. Fucking let me stab myself, hari fucking kari.
LOOK OUT WORLD, HERE I COME.
I’M COMING OUT, I CAN BE FREE, FINALLY! BY JOHN WASSERNACHT
Finally! I can reveal myself to my family. I have been so ashamed recently, hiding away in a proverbial closet, keeping my own self locked away. I was worried people wouldn’t accept me for who I was, for what I was. But now that Donald Trump has been elected President, I can finally be true to myself and everyone around me. He has validated my identity, I am no longer afraid to hide myself away, to keep my feelings bottled up. The world is changing, each and every day, more and more of us are able to show ourselves to the world, without having to fear judgement by our peers and by our family. We have to be strong for each other, and I believe that today, by coming out to everyone reading, this, that I can be a positive role model for others in my situation, so here we go. I. Am. A. Neo-Nazi. And. I. Am. PROUD. The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Send your hate mail to not me. We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com And if you see us on Tinder? Super like us or swipe right.
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Wednesday, November 16th, 2016 “We put the ‘hard’ in hardcore”
The Medium’s
Adventure
“I heard you guys had another stabbing, who are they letting into this University these days?” - Joana Angel, Rutgers Alumnus
Important life lessons in Sex Ed on the misconceptions of pre-cum Naive members of The Medium excitedly step foot in the halls of the 2016 Edison Exxxotica convention, unaware just how uncorfortable this place would make them.
Any porn convention without at least three hooker deaths is considered a dull affair.
Entertainment for the entertainment: the life story of one man’s dissapointing daughter
Wednesday, November 16th, 2016
ARTS
“If you are a child reading this, you’ve already seen too much”
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“I didn’t realize my pussy could make fart noises.” - Mia Malkova, Russian single in your area
“The cumshot missed completely.” -Dillion Harper, 8/10
“I’ve sucked his balls with my gaping asshole.” -Mazzaratie Monica, 10/10
“If Donald Trump wins the presidency, I’m out of a parody job!” - Evan Stone, currently unemployed
The Medium presents: Young Asain man experiences Western adult film
Meeting local celebrities
NSFL: kiD fuCKING dieS
Appreciating the fine arts
PERSONALS
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It’s time for the apocolypse. Why is twitter more popular than facebook when twitter is literally facebook, but with less features? Instagram is popular in its own right despite being even less useful than twitter. Popularity and quality don’t nessicarily coorelate. I saw the super moon last night. It was basically a moon that was bigger than normal. What an exciting event! You’ll be able to look your grandchildren right in the eyes, and tell them that you walked outside of your dorm at night, and saw the moon.
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“Dark days are ahead. Don’t ever give up.”
Historical Events How the fuck did Trump become president?
Wednesday, November 16th, 2016
Rutger’s 250th anniversary was much lamer than I expected. Thats because Rutgers does everything lamely. Also, they pretended it was the 250th anniversary last year so most of us kind of just assumed the university is lying again. Birds are so fucking weird. And marine life and mammals aren’t? I don’t know what animals you come into contact with. It’s been like 6 to 10 years and I still don’t understand the plot of Inception. It’s simple. A guy goes inside his dream inside his dream inside his dream. It actually happened to me once. And then I died.
Thing I wasted my time on this week: The giant moon. I don’t know what I expected.
Locations and Race Are midgets a race? Yes. A comical one because their legs are so small. However, if you laugh at it, it heavily implies you are a small person racist, because midgets are also a race in that sense. Don’t be a bigot. There’s this cute girl in my expos class and she gave me her number when I asked her! It’s 3. Hate telling you this, but that sounds like a fake number. It happens to the best of us. And also you.
By Australian town names, that’s actually not too bad. She could’ve come from “Burrumbottom”, “Gooloogong”, “Humpty Doo”, “Koolyanobbing”, “Orange”, “Wagga Wagga”, “Ozenkadnook”, or my favorite: “Tittybong”.
I waited until I was 6 years old to learn how to use the toilet because I respected myself and won’t disregard my values. Sounds like you don’t respect yourself enough to grow up at a reasonable rate, and are projecting your shame onto the general population. Kanye vs Trump should come down to one final rap battle. It’ll be incompetant narcissist vs. incompetant narcissist! Awesome!
Come to one of our meetings if you’ve ever been interested in writing satire. If Trump can become president without political experience, you can join us with no writing experience whatsoever! Rutgers Student Center room 411B.
When I was a small child, I believed pepper didn’t actually make you sneeze. So I took a jar of pepper and shoved it all down my right nostril. It burned like hell, but I didn’t sneeze. The point of this story is that pepper doesn’t make you sneeze.
My roommate is from the Austrailian town of “Boing Boing” and it’s impossible to take her seriously.
That might be my personal record for most slanted period thingies in a single sentance.
Normally I would put a picture here, but it’s just not worth it this time. If you feel bad about it, than just look outside and witness the goddamned moon for yourself.
I was a stupid child.
I went to a day trip in Philadelphia and I saw a couple of Christmas decorations. It was disgusting and tacky. Well I was in New York City and I almost died of thirst in the desert next to little Italy. Your situation is worse though. Beanies with propellors need to make a comeback! I agree. I miss flying around my neighborhood without a care in the world.
Am I insane? Miyazaki came out of retirement and I am so excited. He does that more often than Rutgers buses are late. Is it weird to wear a winter hat that has fuzz pointed up in a pattern that makes it look like a mohawk in 63 degree weather. It is, but I’m wearing a hat that a girl that stalked me in high school made for me. So I can’t judge. I always want to slap the soup out of peoples hands when I’m at the dining hall. I have a better idea. Slap the person off of the soup! That way the soup will likely pledge loyalty to you because you prevented it from being drank. You become friends with the soup, and eventually, lovers. You elope, and have three children after hot, passionate sex. They have the best features of both of their parents. The brain of a human and the liquid form of soup! Assuming they live to reproductive age humanity will eventually evolve to be like them. And then the worst criminals in society would be easy to deal with because you can just drink them. Let’s guess how many white people will tell me not to worry about Trump today. That sounds like fun! I guess 62.
Why would anyone out of state come here? As difficult as this might be to comprehend, Rutgers is actually well regarded by people out of state. This is almost certainly because they are unfamiliar with the university and have no way to know just how pathetic this school is. I hope somebody drowns in their bowl of soup. Couldn’t you just drink it? Where are you going to find enough soup to drown in? I planned on catching an LX today but the only X’s I have is my ex who won’t answer my calls. Dress up as a sexy LX of whichever gender you are until an LX falls for it. When it does the mating dance, jump inside while it’s distracted. I’m wondering when my newsfeed will go back to being shitty over the top recipes and pictures of drunk people pretending to have fun. If you’re drunk and not having fun, you’re doing it wrong. Most of those people are actually having fun. There needs to be a reality show where we give jetpacks to short naked people and they fly around shitting on peoples cars. Give them propellor beanies instead of jetpacks and I agree. It will kill in the ratings.w
Wednesday, November 16th, 2016
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F/ARTS
“It’s one part Features, it’s one part Arts. Put them together and you get Farts~”
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“TRUMP’S SECRET NAUGHTY DUNGEON” BY DANKUM
OH S&%$ What Does Your Poop Say About You?
“STATUE OF KEEP THE MEXICANS OUT” BY GOLDILOCKS
By NIFTY KNITTER As I learned from my favorite inspirational youth novel, everybody poops. But, everyone has there own style and flair that makes each bowel movement unique. Just step in a public bathroom, let the buffet of aromas tickle your nose, and see what your shit says about you. Long & snaky-You are spontaneous and adventurous. Your healthy shit proves that your crazy lifestyle is totally okay. Dark & pebbly-You are a hard-core (pun-intended) person who means business. You are a persistent person, even when it comes to your crap. Even if it’s not ready to come out, you’ll force it out. I applaud your tenacity to not take any crap. Soft & creamy-You are a sensuous being. Just like you turn your lover to mush, so does your shit. Yellowish/Green-You are a chameleon. Just like your poop, you change your personality to fit the situation. You can be fun and flirty or serious. I don’t poop-You need help. Talk out your feelings with someone and take some Miralax. *Disclaimer*: Some of these descriptions may be a load of crap.
GARY, NO!
HOW TO SURVIVE THANKSGIVING DINNER AS A VEGETARIAN BY LATIN MAMA It’s bad enough that I’ll have to sit through the holidays with my extended family who are all racist Trump supporters, but now I’ll have to also have to somehow survive Thanksgiving dinner as a vegetarian. Hopefully these tips will get me through it. 1). Have your family watch a PETA video against their will right before dinner. Everyone has to be informed, even if they don’t want to be!
LOOK AT THAT STYLE, PUTTIN MICHAEL JACKSON TO SHAME! COME TO OUR MEETINGS FOR DANCE COMPETITIONS WEDS @ 7:45 PM, 411B OF RSC
2). Protest animal rights by showing up naked to Thanksgiving dinner. Not sure why the PETA people do it, but hell, gives you a reason to be in your birthday suit around your uncle besides in the bedroom. 3). Threaten killing yourself by jumping in the oven. Don’t forget to baste yourself in marinade (**extra on the meaty buttcheeks**). 4). Name the turkey Gary and force everyone to refer to him as such. 5). Find a new family. Fuck those flesh-eating monsters anyway.
November 16th, 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com PRESIDENT-ERECT
TRUMP DEMANDS PATERNO STATUE BE RE-ERECTED
BY STEPHEN A. SMIFF MISSING SKIP BAYLESS
HAPPY VALLEY, PA— Calling Joe Paterno one of the "greatest winners of all time", president-elect Donald Trump recently demanded Penn State re-erect the statue commemorating the disgraced former head coach. “This country will be a country of winners,” said Trump in an interview with a Pennsylvania newspaper on Sunday. “As president, I will celebrate all of our winners. This country is great at football, Joe Paterno was a great football coach, and therefore there is no reason his statue should have ever been taken down.” The Paterno statue was taken down in 2012 after it was discovered he spent years covering up countless cases of sexual assault perpetrated by members of
his staff. However, as a head coach from 1966-2011, he won a record 409 games, including two national championships, though all of his wins after 1998 were forfeit, dropping him to 12th-best all time. Trump admonished those who took the statue down, calling the university officials “boneheads” and “losers”. Trump promised to re-erect the statue before the beginning of the 2017-18 school year.
Trump claimed this has always been part of his plan to “Make America Great Again,” as celebrating the greatest figures of America’s favorite sport is how he plans to promote winning. Trump also plans on erecting statues for O.J Simpson, Lawrence Taylor, Mike Ditka and Ray Rice. The Penn State community, which was recently baffled when Paterno was honored at a football
game this season, is not for reerecting the statue, as they do not want to unearth that dark, disgusting, degrading 30-year period. Most students who are against Trump’s plan then went to binge drink at a party and force themselves sexually on unwilling participants. Trump was unfazed by university backlash, claiming they are “stupid molesters who don’t know greatness if it grabbed them by the pussy”. “This country cannot keep running away from its great history,” said Trump. “First we forget about Paterno’s greatness. What’s next? We forget about everything Robert E. Lee did? We ignore the great accomplishments of Andrew Jackson? We dismiss Walt Disney’s social causes? That’s just wrong.”
MAKE FIGHTS GREAT AGAIN
CONOR MCGREGOR WANTS TO FIGHT DONALD TRUMP
KEYS TO THE MATCHUP
BY MIKE HAWK IN LOVE WITH COCO
NEW YORK— For those of you
who don’t know, Conor McGregor became the first ever UFC fighter to hold two championship titles at the same time this sunday, a feat that has never before been achieved by anyone in the UFC. Conor McGregor has always had a cocky personality so naturally this gave him an even bigger head than he has ever had before. During McGregor's crowning as the new featherweight champion he took the time to speak his mind. “I have ridiculed the entire roster and I want to take this opportunity to apologize to absolutely nobody.” McGregor took this time to express his dismay with the election results from last week tuesday. “I would like to take this time to call out my next opponent.
Donald Trump has been voted this year’s biggest shit-talker and I want one more title under my belt. I challenge Donald Trump to a full timed UFC match, no weight restrictions. Winner gets ultimate bragging rights to being the world’s biggest douche.” Donald Trump is no stranger to the entertainment biz and this could prove to be an amazing business venture for him. He even starred in a fight of the WWE. We reached out to Donald Trump but could not get a hold of the new President-elect. Based off of his previous decisions we think it is safe to say that he will take on McGregor seeing as he gets paid either way the fight goes, however, if he wins it would be considered his greatest achievement ever.
Literally just show up
erecting SInce 1970
- Try to do that thing when we catch the ball after throwing it - Try not to trip on our own two feet whilst throwing the ball - Actually gain yards when we decide to run the football - Try our best to not get shut out