November 15, 2017 Issue

Page 1

This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.

INSTA: @themediumRU

november 15th, 2017

Volume LIV Issue X 50¢ WE LOVE MINORITIES

NJ POLL SHOWS MOST PEOPLE VOT E D F O R P H I L M U R P H Y B E C AU S E H I S N A M E D O E S N ’ T SOUND LIKE A DETENTION CAMP SUE DE NIM PROUD DEMOBLICAN

RENTON— T A recent poll regarding the 2017 gubernatorial election between Democrat Phil Murphy and Republican Kim Guadagno suggests that over ninety percent of voters that chose Murphy did so because his last name didn’t sound like a United States detention camp. The election, which occurred on November 7th, had an incredible turnout of over 60 percent of eligible voters. We asked why each individual chose the particular candidate they did, whether it was their domestic policies, their party affiliation, or really just anything about their political stances. Most people said that they really just

GUADAGNO BAE Kim Guadagno showing her prowess in dealing with minorities who refuse to cooperate with authority

Continued on Page 2

ITS DARK IN HERE

QUICKIES

Hero Celebrity Doesn't See Race When Molesting His Victims Roy Moore Kicked Out Of School For Switching His Minor

Your Special Permission Number Isn't That Special

INDECISIVE NAKED MAN WHO Local Guy SPENDS HOURS IN THE CLOSET MIS- Wears Pajamas To TAKEN FOR HOMOSEXUAL Lecture IVAN YAKINOV DASHCAM ENTHUSIAST

CLEVELAND— It only took him 6 hours and 9 minutes today, but Holden McGroin has finally come out of the closest, for about the 1,435th time in his life. McGroin, born with a chronic medical condition which makes him unable to make up his mind on anything, spends anywhere from 5-7 hours a day just deciding on what he’s going to wear. McGroin’s wardrobe consists of only 2 badly stained white t-shirts, an XXXL size

hand me down dress shirt from his late uncle, a blood stained wifebeater from his domestic violence case from 3 years ago, and a pair of early 2000s jorts.

Despite the small selection and the fact that half of them probably don’t even fit him, he says choosing his outfit every day is

FINGER GUNS Since 1970

Continued on Page 2

Public Masturbator Upset At Community For Kink Shaming Space Filler


the Medium

NEWS

Wednesday, November 15th, 2017

themedium.news@gmail.com

"Why are you single?"

TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET

TRAPPIN'

REPUBLICAN'T

...continued from front

a very difficult decision, even more difficult he says, than choosing whether he should masturbate or be productive for the day. “So I’m in my closet naked, I close the doors, and start talking to the voices in my head. It’s a struggle every day. Do I wear my uncle’s dress shirt and look like the guy who lost the title of world’s fattest man? Or do I look like the guy who just paid off his bail bondsman and is getting ready to serve his time in the slammer? Due the large amount of time McGroin spends in his daily life in the closet, he has set up a makeshift bed made out of dirty old semen stained socks and has a huge shelf of adult diapers. From the moment McGroin discovered his condition, everyone has suspected him of being gay. His mom, dad, siblings, and friends are all convinced. At this point, McGroin

simply cannot do anything to convince anyone that he's not gay. He even goes to extreme measures to try to prove it as well. “I insist to everyone I'm straight. Hell, I even showed my parents the totally straight tranny porn I jerk off too. I've been told many times that I'm faking my condition. But I assure you, my condition is real. It's takes a whole another level of crazy to fake a condition and then show your parents your porn if it actually was fake”. There's a small chance McGroin’s condition can become terminal. But before that happens, he is convinced to make the most out of his life. He won't let indecisiveness and anti-gay name calling get the best of him. That's why he's been at Home Depot right now for the past 5 hours trying to decide which shade of rainbows he wants to paint his closet.

GUADAGNO

...continued from front

didn’t want to vote for “the Guantanamo lady.” “I went out on Tuesday to vote because I’m a good, upstanding American citizen. That’s why I had to vote for the guy with the whitest sounding name ever conceived,” said Jim Johnson. Other voters shared the same sentiment, which is likely what resulted in the landslide victory for the Democrat. We asked if the decision had anything to do with the controversial behavior of Chris Christie, who helped run Guadagno’s campaign, but this wasn’t even a factor for voters. “As a Muslim, I just didn’t get a good feeling when I saw her name for the first time on the ballot on Tuesday. I know she probably won’t deport me or inflict horrific torturous activity of that with which is reserved for heinous war criminals on me or my

NEWS IN PICTURES

family, but am I really about to take that risk?” said Abdul Jamaal al-Saladin. Half the voters seemed to just pick a name at random, regardless of the gut feeling they get when looking at their names. “I am confident the good citizens of New Jersey chose to elect me to the office of governor because they believe in my progressive positions and my steadfast economic policies,” said governor elect Murphy. “There is no way I was elected at random.” But it seems like he was, as not a single person was able to convey even the most basic of either of the two candidates policies, and effectively went to the polls with a blindfold over their precious little eyes. Regardless, Murphy plans to enact his first law into action, which he has appropriately called "Murphy's Law", which he has stated saying, "I've got a really good feeling about it."

PAPA MURF

PHIL MURPHY BECOMES COOL NEW STEP FATHER TO 9 MILLION PEOPLE

MIKE HAWK PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER

SO WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO PUBLIC SPEAKING CLASS?

ORAL EXAMS ARE BANNED AT RUTGERS AFTER A STUDENT IS CAUGHT GIVING HEAD TO A PROFESSOR. "IT SAID ORAL EXAM ON THE SYLLABUS," SAID SOPHOMORE STUDENT AMY LUO-HOLTZMAN. "I WAS PRACTICING FOR IT ALL SEMESTER BY HOOKING UP WITH RANDOM GUYS AT PARTIES, BUT NOW ALL THAT PRACTICE HAS GONE TO WASTE."

Editorial Staff Spring 2017

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot

Andrew Blustein Jake Goldstein Alex Hawley

Fratypus

T R E N T O N — Newly elected governor Phil Murphy just became the cool new stepdad to New Jersey’s residents. This comes after escaping an abusive relationship with our father. Because of the ongoing custody battle, we are required to refrain from mentioning him by name, so we will be referring to him as Brhis Brhistie. Daddy Murphy knows of our strained relationship

News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Gavin Briggs-Perez Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Shaina Joseph Features Editor Rob Sanchez

with Brhistie, so he's trying to compensate by becoming a ‘cool dad.’ In a bid to appeal to his new kids, daddy Murphy will be loosening the grip on how he decides to raise us. For one, in his first one hundred days as our new dad, he promises to set the ground rules on our drug usage, specifically "the weeds." Daddy Murphy wants to do away with that completely and, "let kids be kids."

Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche

Dan Cretella Scott Hoberman Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Bus drivers' bladders

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This article is dedicated to the individuals who still wear crocs.


Wednesday, November 15th, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com

FEATURES

“I’m so glad beautiful, intelligent women come pick up the pieces of my life”

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

the Medium

PANTS OF RUTGERS

FIRST STOCK TICKER DEBUTS On this day in 1867, Edward A. Calahan unveiled the first stock price ticker, a telegraphic printer, in New York City. Little did he know, more than 150 years later, my own grandfather’s ticker would go as he watched stock prices plummet and his retirement savings go up in smoke.

Pants #2: The Bold Coral Slacks “I’ve heard them described as pink, salmon, red sometimes, but yeah, I personally say salmon or like pink.” “They look weird with anything other than gray.” FLAMIN’ HOT JAMS

“Most of my clothes I’ve had since like fifth grade. I haven’t really changed much physically since then.” “They’re like an important side hoe…” HOW TO MAKE A SPLASH THIS THANKSGIVING 5 Thanksgiving Side Dishes That Will Start a Political Debate Between Your Family This Thanksgiving, use this list to figure out what dishes you shouldn’t bring if you want a nice, peaceful, apolitical family meal.

White, and a good Fellow by Grand Wizard Khalifa Bake it off (The Jews) by Taylor’s List Loyalty (To the Master Race) by KKKendrick Bizarre ft. The Neo Nazis Gasoline by Daddy Yankee Doodle ft. Lil Adolf There’s Nothing Holding me Black by Shawn Mengele My President is White by Young Jesus Free you Again, Not! by Tyler, The Executioner All my Negroes are Dead by Lil AR15 The Great Wall of Trump by Tronald Dump My Heart is in Alabamanana by KKKamila KKKabello WHY DON’T YOU GET OFF OF YOUR LAZY ASS AND COME VISIT US HERE AT THE MEDIUM? WE KNOW YOURE PROBABLY READING THIS RIGHT NOW CONSIDERING COMING BUT YOU ALWAYS SAY “NEXT WEEK”...WELL THIS TIME DON’T. GROW A PAIR AND COME....PLEASE ;D WE MEET ON MONDAYS AT 8 IN THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER (117D)

Brussels Sprouts with Bacon - Despite the bacon attempting to save this dish, bringing brussels sprouts to the meal will definitely lead to Uncle Jeff bringing up Brussels, the de facto capital of the EU, and why Brexit was necessary to get out of the tangled mess of laws that are forcing large economies to hold up unimportant countries and the bacon just reminds Jeff of the migrant situation that the EU is facing. Butternut Squash - Seriously? BUTTerNUT squash? Skip bringing this to the meal unless you want to hear Uncle Glen go off again on why “The Gays don’t deserve rights and what they’re doing in their bedrooms when they sodomize each other is unholy.” Last year he immediately followed that by going out to his Ford F-150 and sitting at the dessert table caressing his shotgun. For your mother’s sanity, just don’t bring this. Couscous Risotto - You thought it would be fun to do an alternative to regular risotto, but of course Aunt Kathy, a postal worker, sees the MiddleEastern origin of this dish and will absolutely go off on how all Muslims are terrorists who try to send anthrax and bombs through the mail. She spent the majority of last year insisting that the entire family should eat only pork to stick it to those “Halal fucks.” Her words, not mine. Good thing you didn’t bring Fariba, your new Muslim girlfriend this year. Dulce De Leche - Here goes Uncle Glen again, Glen, a foreman at the local manufacturing plant is immediately going to launch into a tirade about getting “These god-damn job stealing Mexicans out of his country and plant.” Cinco cervezas deep, Glen, who has no problem drinking Corona, is going to keep going on about how Mexican desserts have no place in this country as long as his heart is pumping and his blood is red like an American. Tofurkey - Your newly Vegan cousin tried to bring one of these last year, insisting everyone should try it while talking about why Christopher Columbus was a genocidal monster, and that the pilgrims were rapists who took the land of the Native Americans without giving them anything in return, besides syphillis. In response, Grandpa Walter turned to your parents yelling, “I can’t believe you two are paying for her to go to Vassar and get her mind filled with this liberal bullshit. Back in my day, it was called Thanksgiving because they liked it.”


the Medium

OPINIONS

Wednesday, November 15th, 2017

themedium.opinions@gmail.com

“Pre-teenage dreams do come true”

UNIVERSITY VOICES

University voices: What catchphrase from “That’s So Raven” resonates most with you? “That’s me!” Christine Perez Slightly egotistical.

“Ya nasty.” Dara Peters Often disgusted with people.

“Oh snap!’” Dev Singh Constantly finds himself in conundrums.

AT LEAST HE WROTE THIS?

I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TAKE EXPOS! BY JOSH ADAMS

Expository writing? More like suppository writing because I want to write a letter about this fucking class and shove it right up Barchi’s ass! I just failed my second essay. But how could I have passed? I didn’t even know what the fuck I was writing. How could the teacher? That poor teacher, who has to read all these abysmal essays from lazy, clueless students! And apparently, the department is allowed to check the teacher’s grades and re-evaluate them if they were too lenient. So the teacher has to fail us. We handed in our third essay today and she was lightly sobbing. I think she feels like a doctor telling families their relative has died when she hands back assignments. Man, I almost feel bad enough for her that I want to put more work into these assignments. Key word: almost. I already put like 2 hours a week in for this class! That’s more than I do for all my other classes combined! Actually, now that I think of it, I think I’m failing those classes too. Huh. I guess the system is just rigged against me. I think it’s rigged against all of us. Except those piece of shit Honors College dorks. They’re treated like royalty. And most of them don’t even have to take Expos because they come in with AP credit. Entitled pieces of garbage! Fuck all of it! Join me, join the expository writing/Robert Barchi/Honors College dorks revolution! Well, after I start my fourth expos essay.

LEAVE ME BE, KAREN

WHY I WON’T CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY BY JAKE EDWARDS

My therapist told me to ask myself why I would choose to be resentful over being happy. Here’s my response: So, Karen, you want to know why I don’t choose to be happy? You want to know why I voluntarily live under a cloud of misery? Why would I have gone through all of those years of my mom attacking my body image and my older brother constantly telling me I would never get a boyfriend with my distinctly shrill voice and permanent infatuation with Teen Titans just to be happy? Who cares if I die younger than expected due to a stress-induced heart attack because all I ever think about is how to evade the taunts of my father telling me, I’m the “daughter he never wanted.” Sure, it may be easy for you, Karen, to disregard your past and “choose how you face the day,” with a smile plastered on your face, but did you ever think that maybe this is how I want to face the day? With a permanent scowl and a lust for flipping off the next person to step on the bus before I try to get off, I choosing for myself to live how I want. So, to you Karen, I say fuck off and let me live! I choose to be resentful!

D- FOR GIVING D

GROWN MEN ARE FINALLY GETTING SEXUALLY EDUCATED BY LINDA ALBERT

Ever since this whole sexual harassment scandal started to unfold with Bill O’Reilly, Harvey Weinstein, Louis C.K., Kevin Spacey, Brett Ratner, George Takei, Roy Moore etc., I’ve noticed some odd behavior in the office. It all started with Paul from accounting bringing in donuts every day for the past week and offering them to the ladies of the office and Kyle before anyone else. Then there was George from marketing who complimented my blouse and then quickly muttered, “I mean, only in a professional way, I like the color, nothing else.” And then there’s Dennis in sales who accidentally bumped into me as we were leaving the elevator and started profusely apologizing for touching me, claiming, “It was a complete accident. I’ve never wanted to touch your body. Not even that time at the company picnic.” It’s as if they’re all on the defensive, afraid that any past action can and will be used against them, and it will. I kind of pity the way they shudder, tiptoeing around the office, cautious of every decision and comment they make. But it’s about freakin’ time. I’m tired of them thinking it’s okay to comment about screwing the secretary or have a literal dick-measuring contest in the break room. They need to learn to behave as professional adults and they should be afraid that at any moment they could lose their jobs for being perverted assholes. And Gary, if at the next board meeting if I catch you staring at me while you have your hand down your pants, you know damn well I’ll report you. I am now empowered and will take down anyone that tries to go down on me.


Wednesday, November 15th, 2017

themedium.arts@gmail.com

ARTS

“Resident Alcoholic filling in for the regular Arts editor”

“POSITIVITY” BY WEEKLY COMIC DRAWER

the Medium

“REINCE PENIS” DICK OF THE WEEK

“TOM CRUISE MOVIE” BY DEFINITELY NOT RACIST

JOIN THE MEDIUM! FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 411B. SEND IN ART! DON’T ASK QUESTIONS. HAVE YOU READ THIS AD BEFORE? WHY DON’T YOU JUST COME THEN? WHY HESITATE? THE RETURN OF THE GREY BOX. IT’S JUST GREY. SO GREY. AND GREY’S SPELLED THE ENGLISH WAY.


PERSONALS

the Medium

Wednesday, November 15th, 2017

themedium.personals@gmail.com

“Thanksgiving is White Revisionist History”

Jersey Woke

No Class

Long Way Down

I scream every morning because I wake up in New Jersey. (I’ve lived here for 22 years, and I can say, you really never stop screaming.) Jane, if you’d stop being a bitch for one second, then maybe people would stop hating you. (Ignore them Jane, rock on!) My dog is really retarded, is there anyway I can get him to devolve back into a wolf? (Fuck you, all dogs are little bundles of fluffy love that want nothing more than food, walks, and tummy rubs.) Who do you think has the better evil dictator mustache, Saddam Hussein or Joseph Stalin? (No contest, it’s Stalin. Saddam’s mustache looks like the local garbage man grew out last summer. Stalin’s stache is the type you want to catch borscht in.)

I took too long to register for classes and now I’m stuck with 7 hours of classes every Monday next semester. (This is too real for me man. I know a couple of people who switched minors because they did not register for classes in time.) What’s the worst city in the country? (Depends, apparently 80% of Chicago has been murdered so that sucks. Detroit is horrible based on sports teams alone. New York would be great if no New Yorkers lived there, and Philadelphia would be great if it got its shit togeather.) You don’t understand, BEST hall is a cult AND I CAN’T GET OUT! (I’m gonna tell you what I told the people in Jonestown, “I don’t care if there is no time left, I’m getting a different drink other than Kool-aid.”)

I decided to throw myself down the stairs the other day on purpose just because I really needed an excuse to not go to class. (I’m not one to tell you how to live your life, but you know that no one cares if you show up to class right?Actually professors and TA’s want people not to show up, teaching assholes like us sucks.) My professor canceled class right as I got on the bus to take me to another campus. (It could be worse, you could be sitting alone in a dark lecture hall at 7:30 am only to finally check your email and realize classes ended two weeks ago.)

The Ad is still super sexy

Also see us Wed. 7:45pm CASC 411B

Brazzing Saddles Can I borrow someone’s Brazzers account for like an hour? (Ok first of all, an hour? Don’t flatter yourself. Second there is literally decades of free porn available on other sites, just enjoy the free stuff given to you.)

Phil won, do we get weed? (Give him a few weeks to set up a good dealer then we’ll all just buy from him.) Billy Joel is an asshole. (Of course that’s how he keeps from aging, he said it himself that only the good die young.) You really think I care about what you have to say GABE?! (Uhh, yeah you tell him. Sorry Gabe, he kinda is my ride home so I have to take his side.)

QOTD

“Are you gonna eat that?”

-Jesus...I guess

DC PeeU

Filler Arc

Justice League is bad. (I just want a Superman movie where the guy freaking smiles, saves the day, and the primary color is not grey. Also Zach Snyder had to have touched someone.) I’m trying to think of ways to improve my sex life, but I keep drawing blanks. (I’m solely a missionary man myself so I can’t help you there. I hear not using it for a bit helps with flow and pineapple helps taste.) Can I be the new host of Man vs. Food when this one dies? (They need another new one? Man, they go through hosts quicker than WB went through Dumbledores.) So I guess I can’t use Wikileaks as a source? (Just ask Don Jr. and your racist aunt. Any site with Wiki in its name probably was written by a Russian.)

Any advice for filling out an essay? I need to get a few more pages on my thesis paper and can’t seem to think of words. (Well Well to to double double your your word word count count you you can can just just repeat repeat anything anything you’ve you’ve said said before before.. Then Then everyone everyone will will think think you’re you’re retarded retarded.) That jackass who burned down The Yard has moved back in. (Remember it isn’t the fire that gets ya, it’s the gallons of water that comes after.) I feel like I’d have a huge dick if I was a guy. (By fan-fiction law, your dick size upon gender switch is inversly proportional to how much of a skank you are. So no.)


Wednesday, November 15th, 2017

themedium.a7@gmail.com

PAGE A7

the Medium

“All my shit keeps falling.”

20 year old and 13 year old on Angela Merkel (Part 5)

(Welcome back to the ongoing series 20 year old and 13 year old on a Train(Although this week they’re not) ft. Angela Merkel Part 5) We apologize for the short break, if you want the last copy, go two papers down and you’ll find Part 4) *train rolls off into the distance* Angela Merkel: Zat vas zo much fun travezing 20 year old: Where are we? 13 year old: What do we do now? 20 year old: That’s sexist, Reese Witherspoon said so. 13 year old: Ho-wh-Angela. Angela Merkel: Sheez rite 20 year old: Guys, look in the distance! *they look in the distance* 13 year old: Is that Loui20 year old: CK? No, that’s a man walking up to us with a scroll. Angela Merkel: Vet is a skroll? 13 year old: You don’t know what a scroll is? Angela Merkel: Naaahhh, I’m just vecking with you. I’m German, not dumb. *the man approaches* Man: This is your next mission. *hands them the scroll* 20 year old: It says “Please stand by for instructions.” Angela Merkel: That’s not what I see. *looks up menacingly* *Angela Merkel jumps on 20 year old and 13 year old* 20 year old and 13 year old simultaneously: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! (TO BE CONTINUED. NEXT WEEK ON A7) Emo Fourteen Year Old Cuts Self on All That Edge

By Heywood Jablomi PissCatAway— Fourteen-year-old Raven Blake was recently admitted to Robert Wood Johnson Hospital for lacerations of mysterious origin. Blake was sitting alone in her room in the dark watching the My Chemical Romance Vevo channel on YouTube and scrolling through Instagram when she inexplicably started bleeding from her arm. Despite Blake’s protests, her parents insisted on bandaging her arm. This only worsened the bleeding, so Blake was in her own words “dragged against [her] will” to the hospital. Doctors stitched up the wound, but the cause remained a mystery. A physician, surgeon, RN, and a psychiatrist went to a bar to discuss the issue. Stopping just before the surgeon would declare himself “too intoxicated for tonight’s C-Section”, the team reached a conclusion. The psychiatrist submitted a formal statement to The Medium: “Based on her clothing and outward presentation, her music tastes, and her web browsing habits, we are forced to conclude that Ms. Blake is the first person to become so, to use the modern terminology, ‘edgy’, she has actually managed to injure herself by sheer subconscious will alone.” The team recommended a new playlist and a subscription to r/wholesomememes as a way to ensure that the incident doesn’t happen again. Ms. Blake did not respond to our request to comment, but allegedly insisted that “this is who [she] really [is]” and denied treatment despite her parents’ urging. “It’s sad to see,” the psychiatrist told us, “but sometimes people just refuse to listen to doctors. We expect to see her back here soon, hopefully she’ll eventually listen.”

EXXXOTICA TRADING CARDS

LIKE US ON FACEBOOK FOLLOW US ON TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM DO EVERYTHING WE SAY JUST LOVE US THE WAY WE LOVE YOU SEE YA AFTER BREAK


November 15th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com HITTING SHOTS THEN TAKING SHOTS THEN CALLING YOUR EX AND THROWING UP

ADMISSIONS SKYROCKET AS NCAA RECOGNIZES BEER PONG AS A SPORT

"MORE AMERICAN THAN SYSTEMATIC RACISM " Finding a way to make something as recreational as drinking competitive is a cornerstone in the American persona. BY IVAN YAKINOV

P I S C A T A W AY — A d d i n g to the ever growing list of unprofitable sports in college that get subsidized by the

football program, beer pong will now be an official sport at over 1,200 colleges and universities across the country. The decision

Top 10 Sports No One Cares About

BY THROB LOWE

Cycling

1

Bowling

2 Women's Basketball

was made last week and was officially announced today by the NCAA President Mark Emmett. Speaking from NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis, Emmett said, “The extreme effort students go through to make the winning pong shot when they are on the verge of passing out can be compared to the game winning shot Michael Jordan made over Bryon Russell while having the flu in the 1997 NBA Finals. Beer pong players are great athletes and truly are freaks of nature and we feel it’s the right time to exploit that for money.” In light of this news, a large surge in college applications have baffled university administrators everywhere. At Rutgers, the admissions website has crashed due to high

web traffic, and not another DDOS attack. The Dean of Admissions at Rutgers and the head of the IT Department, too ashamed to deal with this again, had no comment as they both plan on taking a leave of absence until this whole thing blows over. Many of the hundreds of thousands of new college applicants have also applied for the full ride beer pong scholarship that will now be offered at all eligible schools. The competition for these scholarships will be fierce. In order to be eligible for one, a student must have at least three years of drinking prior to college, ability to chug five Natural Lights in a row, and must be able to get through at least six full games of beer pong without blacking out.

Here's a grainy picture of Peyton Manning tossing the Pig Skin

6 7

Competitive Eating

Curling

3

Cricket

4

Baseball

Running

5

10 Division 1 Rowing

Squash

8 9

using our teeth to give fellatio SINCE 1970


Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.