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november 1st, 2017
Volume LIV Issue VIII 50¢ HALLOW WEENIE
2 0 1 7 p r ov e s to b e a knockout year for the b e d s h e e t i n d u s t ry
QUICKIES
FBI Arrested Wrong Person. Meant To Arrest Paula Woman NEW YORK— Halloween is over, and the post-seasonal hangover afort is in full swing. Kids are coming off their sugar induced mania, the slutty cats are slowly Pat Hobbs waking up at 2:00 P.M. from Still their vomit filled puddles on the sidewalk, and everyone cringes Drinking at the memory of their stupid costumes they actually wore Beer and outside. Amidst this chaos that Crushing unfurls every first of November, one industry has slipped Pussy under the radar, and has found themselves in a pretty good place this quarter. That’s right, Crime Bedsheets Inc. has just had their Spooky success Alert biggest influx of revenue ever, Figure 1. Local ghost celebrating the unexpected which is already taking place in rise in bedsheet sales Continued on Page 2 Victims their most successful year of all Club EAT ME To Host MEALS ON HEELS: SEXY NEW DAT- First Ever Meeting on ING SERVICE GATHERS ELDERLY FAN- Hamilton Street BASE How To: Farting on An CALIFORNIA — This past week has been an absolute Elevator hit for software development company Schmapple.co as Etiquette they just released their brilliant adult dating app “Meals on Heels” onto appstores over the Trump weekend and already reached well over 5 million downloads, Says an absolute record breaker. Kneeling Surprisingly enough, It turns out the major demographic of NFL its users tend to be both males and females over the age of 75 Players instead of the suspected prime dad age of 38-55. Apparently Continued on Page 2 Killed JFK Steve Scarington spooky savant
MIKE HAWK PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER
REJECTED
Since 1970
the Medium
News "Zamn Zaddy"
raw terror
My Experience at Eastern State Penitentiary: Terror Behind the Walls Steve scarington stranger news
PHILADELPHIA— If anyone has been to a haunted house, they know the drill. Lots of loud jump scares with spookily dressed people that laugh or scream or something. Yawn, predictable. My experience at Eastern State, however, was so much more. Those places are lame because there is never anything at stake, because they can’t touch you. What makes Terror Behind the Walls immersive is that they can grab you, separate you from your group, bring you down secret passageways, fondle your balls, pretty much do anything to you! When I went with a couple of friends, I immediately
got separated and brought to a dark room by a hooded figure. He then proceeded to probe my asshole while laughing maniacally. I was so scared! Oh man did they get me good. When I finally caught back up to my group, I was laughing so hard I was crying. When they asked me what happened, I couldn't even tell them, because the man said to tell no one or he would grab me again and scare me even harder! I highly recommend this event to anyone that's willing to get a little extra spooked this year, and isn't afraid of a little invasion of personal space.
Wednesday, November 1st, 2017
themedium.news@gmail.com
ghosted
bedsheets
...continued from front
time. “This is by far the best year we have ever had,” said Bedsheets Inc. CEO Bob McMunson. “We aren’t quite sure why or how, but we aren’t about to question it.” Economists share the same confusion, as the word of this anomaly spreads around the nation. “The stocks for this company have tripled in value in the course of a few months. Ever since January it seems like people have just all of a sudden needed more bedsheets. We really can’t understand it either,” said economist Greg Wirtheim. “Usually Halloween ghost costumes drive up sales in October, maybe September. But January? There is just no explanation.” The strangest thing about all this is that it seems that it is only white bedsheets, and it is only taking place in the United States. The rest of the world
news in pictures
seems to be experiencing a diverse array of sheet colors at a very normal rate. “What, did people just lose taste in good furnishing? What happened to style in this country? This country was built on the acceptance and diversity of all bedsheet colors, and it is what makes it beautiful,” concluded McMunson. We at the Medium did some right proper investigative journalism and we have tracked down the correlation of pale textile fixation to one very simple explanation: Blanket forts have made a major comeback. If that is the case, there is a great pillow war coming between white and colored pillows. Best pick a side, lest ye be caught in the crossfire.
i taste better with sauce
RU HENTAI to basic cable package Rutgers really is all inclusive. caving to pressure from the popular hentai club rutgers will now offer hentai with ever room that comes with cable.
Editorial Staff Spring 2017
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Andrew Blustein Jake Goldstein Alex Hawley
Fratypus
News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Gavin Briggs-Perez Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Shaina Joseph Features Editor Rob Sanchez
...continued from front
analysts thought to believe the amount of middle aged fathers cheating on their spouse would be higher than the amount of senile old people who like to confuse common words in their spare time. We’ve asked one very frequent user why he chooses Meal on Heels instead of any other service. “Well, the first time I ordered it, it was because I really wanted mac and cheese but then this scantily clad woman comes to the door and assures me she tastes better than mac and cheese. Ever since then, I’ve been a loyal customer.” It appears Billy shares the same dreams as every other American his age.
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Dan Cretella Scott Hoberman Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Lazy costumes
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This article is dedicated to that one guy wearing the LED light stick figure guy walking around College Ave on Friday night.
Wednesday, November 1st, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
Features
“Is it really your fault if you were blacked out?”
this day in history
Sistene Chapel ceiling opens to public I always thought it was the Sixteen Chapel? Like Sixteen Candles, John Hughes’ 1984 classic film documenting angsty-teen Samantha Baker’s 16th birthday. Anyway, little known fact about the Sistene Chapel: since Michaelangelo was drunk for most of it, the entire painting looks upside down to the general public. The painting is regarded as Italy’s biggest error, just ahead of the Leaning Tower of Pizza.
the Medium
bald is the new black
Variations of Male Baldness The Kitty Cat - Look at those cute little cat ears! They almost detract from your hideous looking head. Almost. The Madagascar - For some reason that last patch of hair just won’t give up. It will not go down without a fight and you kinda have to respect that. Might as well own it. The Mountain Range in the Distance - You ever been driving home and you can just barely see mountains in the distance? Well look up. That’s what your head looks like. The Costanza - You’re in baldness purgatory. Do you have hair, do you not? No one can really tell. What’s certain is you should just give up. The Alfalfa - This is the Madagascar after a Category 5 Hurricane came to town. You’re right there, just finish the job. Rogaine clearly isn’t helping.
anonymous
An Open Letter to the People in the Back of the Bus
Dear Back of the Busers, Hey, how ya doing? You livin’ it up back there with all that space? Yeah, I bet you are. While we in the front of the bus are packed in like sardines, faces pressed against the window, you guys are laughing it up back there with all that arm and leg room, able to reach in and out of your pockets at your leisure to like that girl’s Instagram and change the song on your phones. Well I’m here to tell you your free ride is over! We are taking a stand! Say goodbye to personal space! Say goodbye to fresh air! We are coming for you. You’ve been warned. Sincerely, Front of the Busers
can i have some personal space-y? Kevin Spacey Movies that are Suddenly Relevant By Heywood Jablomi 6. The Usual Suspects -- If only because he’s on track to become one. 5. Iron Will -- Probably hoped to study how to break one. 4. When You Remember Me -- I suppose he was hoping it wouldn’t come to that. 3. Baby Driver -- He was probably disappointed it wasn’t about driving babies. 2. A Show of Force -- The blurbs just write themselves at this point. 1. Consenting Adults -- I mean, come on.
the Medium
Opinions
Wednesday, November 1st, 2017
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“I wish that I had Stacey’s mom”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
University voices: What is the best side dish served at the dining hall? “Mac and cheese” Jon Mason Artificial cheese connoisseur.
“Booty” Sam Nojon Rear-end expert.
“Green beans almondine” Jason Mon Bean machine.
hittin’ the books and the bookbags
I FINALLY KNOW WHAT THE DAILY GRIND IS BY CAL MATTHEWS
I haven’t entered the working world yet, but I need not to be able to say I have experienced the daily grind. In fact, one could argue that the daily grind was born from within the depths of a crowded LX on a weekday morning. All one has to do is step foot on a crowded bus and wait to board a bus in peak morning rush hour. I now know that all who have come before me refer not to the monotonous routine of a dead-end job when speaking of the daily grind, but in fact a crowded LX in which bodies are so packed that they are literally grinding on one another. I think what makes a grind so special at clubs and frat parties is that it isn’t an everyday occurrence. When grinding becomes routine, it loses the one thing that makes it special. Grinding should be an intimate act between two people who just met each other, but have enough of a connection that it is not merely a physical act, but an act that ignites a deep emotional experience. When I was ground upon on the bus, with no feelings intended from my grinder, it impressed upon me all the more the significance of a genuine grind at a party.
Point/counterpoint
FOX NEWS IS THE BEST NEWS SOURCE BY CLETUS ROBERTS Now we all know how biased news channels can get nowadays. CNN and MSNBC with their hardline liberal biases, BBC with inclination for tea and biscuits, and Al-Jazeera, well, you already get what I’m trying to say. But standing above the rest, Fox News is truly the best and least biased news site. They cover everything and always make sure to get the news to you quickly. Like tides, they go in and they go out, but you can’t explain that! If Fox News wasn’t there to tell us about how tides work, who would? Our high school oceanography teachers? Don’t think so! They have the best hosts. Even Shepard Smith, who’s gay. This proves they are also LGBT friendly. Now how many other news sources can say that? Don Lemon from CNN has nothing on Shep in that regard. Fox’s slogan is “Fair and Balanced” and they truly live up to that name. People should watch Fox News more, I mean they’re already the most popular station among 70 year olds and die-hard Republicans and conservatives. They should be more popular with everybody.
FOX NEWS ISN’T EVEN REAL NEWS, THE ONION IS THE BEST NEWS SOURCE BY RICK WILSON Fox News not biased? Fair and balanced? Cletus has it all wrong. Fox News is just Republican propaganda. It is the most biased news source out there. They are so biased to the point I doubt you can call them real news anymore. Now if you want real unbiased news, you can’t beat The Onion. There’s a reason why The Onion is called America’s finest news source. Compared to the nonsense that’s spewed out on CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News nowadays, the Onion is a step above the others. They check their sources and do some fine and accurate news reporting. They also report on news no other sources will report. The Onion goes against the grain. Remember when the little boy in the wheelchair asked God to answer his prayers and God just flat out said “No!” The Onion was the only one to cover that. Or when that little child bankrupted the Make-A-Wish foundation by wishing for unlimited wishes? I don’t recall Fox News being on the scene of that story. You can’t trust everything you see on the news. But with the Onion, you can be assured you are not being fed misinformation.
HMMMM
QUESTIONS WITHOUT ANSWERS...
Q: Why is it that when I’m in the shower and I go to wash my hair all of this hair comes out on my hand, even though I’m using a special hydrating shampoo. Meanwhile, I just use regular bodywash on my pubes and they’re stuck in like they’re superglued? A: Probably because the hair shafts in your pubic area are thicker.
Wednesday, November 1st, 2017
themedium.arts@gmail.com
“Life’s purpose” by jeff
Arts
the Medium
“Fuck you group member who disappears on weekends.”
Join the medium! please. it gives me less work.
FOLLOW US ON INSTA @themedium ru meetings: MoNdays 8PM (LIVI STUDENT CENTER 117D) wednesdays 7:45PM (COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 411B)
“6 Cuils” by metartist
“dick of the week” by: Hideo Blowjima one eyed snake
“I’m not the regular arts editor so forgive me” by anonymous
Personals
the Medium
Wednesday, November 1st, 2017
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“I’m Running Out of Ideas”
In the Navel
In the Family
Light Conversation
How do I clean the deepest part of my navel. (If you are an innie, Firehose it. If you are an outty, don’t bother. There is no cleaning that mess of scar tissue.) The only stranger thing that happened this weekend was the fact that I actually got a date. (That is just as scary.) Do brothels offer group rates or do whores have loyalty rewards? I just want cheap sex. (Regardless of your dumbass question, I’m wondering at what point a hooker rewards program would just become a marriage.) I guess Kevin Spacey’s world is comming down like a “house of cards” of some sort. (Honestly I see Spacey making a very public apology, writing an award winning book, and returning to Hollywood with no issues.)
Should I be concerned about my son’s taste in incest porn, especially considering he is an only child. (Nah, it’s the hot thing in porn right now. Just be careful if you marry and get a step-child his age. I’d vote for separate houses.) I sincerely apologize to the group of international students who got into the elevator after I ripped one and left. (You got to be careful with that, in some nations that could be called an act of war and our president is just looking for an excuse these days.) Why is there no Yesvember? (Because November means November. Just because they might say Yesvember after drinking, it does not mean they would not say November if sober.)
Whose house do I need to trick-or-treat at to get some damn apples and razorblades? They used to be everywhere when I was a kid, but I don’t see them anywhere these days. (Aww man, I miss those things. It combined the maturity of healthy eating and proper grooming all into one yummy snack! All I’ve seen these days are just cookies with needles or weed gummies. Both are not good for growing boys.) I shat my favorite pair of pants. (Welp, looks like you have a new favorite pair of pants. Also that is no lie my greatest fear as an adult and I comend you for surviving.)
Getting Frisky Up’ in Here
White-ish My genetic test says I’m roughly 9% white. Is that enough to get a loan? (Depends on the bank. Wells Fargo requires you be at least 12% white or 24% asian in food-service.) How much booze will it take to forget the one year anniversery of 11/9. (I’ve been hammered for like this whole year so I cannot help you. Thank god he might be out next year.)
Anyone ready for Dio de los Muertos? (Si, los estudiantes de Mexicana estoy muy... That’s about all high school Spanish taught me.) Does No-Shave-November apply to my whole body? (Yes, everyone regardless of age or gender is barred from shaving any part of the body. Only after we are all horribly gross and hairy will we learn the true reason why we don’t shave during this month. Seriously why?)
Curses
You can join us at our pitch meetings. Wednesday @ 7:45pm College Ave Student Center 411B
My roommate needs to watch his FUCKING language. Seriously Jesus FUCKING Christ. (Why don’t people these days watch their fucking language? I’m trying to watch my shitty mouth while walking down the fucking street and these crap-holes can’t watch what they say.)
QOTD
“YO Danny Fenton, he was just 14...”
[REDACTED] Man, those JFK files...
(I feel bad for Trump, he worked so hard to make himself look good and nothing came from it. Better luck with Area 51!) What does it mean that today is All Hallows Day? (Ok, so you know how everyone parties on Halloween? Well once you wake up next to someone who looked a lot better in costume, you feel hallow.) I’ve become invested in this Four Loko story. Where are you gonna take it? (Nowhere...fin) Do nipple rings come in gauges? (If they did, I feel it would be criminal to wear one. As we get older, our nipples get all messed up anyway, why speed up the process.)
Why are my glands so active?
sweat
(I hope you can figure that one out. I have a real problem with this as well. Sometimes I’m just sitting in class and feel like someone poured water all over my balls.)
Do people actually read personals? Because if so, hi mom! (First of all, no, no one reads personals. This is basically a diary for me. Second, no, your mother doesn’t love you.)
-Kevin Spacey
Broken Bad To the entitled little cock mongers on Busch, you premeds are a literal disease to college. Fuck yourselves and stay out of my bars and my lab.
(Why would premeds need your shitty bars? They get enough prescription meds to fuel a rockstar’s retirement party. Also, your laboratory is pretentious, you ain’t Dexter and they all ain’t Dee Dee.) If global warming is real then why is it cold outside again? Suck it liberals! (That’s how seasons work... dumbass) The rate of crippling head injuries in the WWE is double the NFL rate. (Well when you are doing those stunts every day of the week in multiple cities, you are gonna get a high rate of injury.) Please let everyone know that cockrings are not an appropriate Halloween costume. (Not if they accompany another theme. Like how most girl’s costumes are Sexy ____, many guy’s costumes have begun to involve cockrings. Dracula with a cockring, Frankenstein with a cockring, Ghost with a cockring, it’s a big market.) I drink a glass of orange juice every night to ward off the terror of scurvy. (Well as long as you don’t do it before or after brushing your teeth, then you are fine.)
Page a7
Wednesday November 1st, 2017
“Can I take this handicapped accessible bus?”
themedium.a7@gmail.com
the Medium
20 Year Old and 13 Year Old on a Train(ft. Angela Merkel) Part 4
(if you would like Part 3, Part 2, and maybe Part 1, please check the bottom of the deck you got this from)
13 year old: “Hufflepuffs are very worthwhile and everyone actual--*his voice becomes muffled as the train rolls over a dead cow* and if you don’t think these things are worthwhile then I’m sorry.” 20 year old: Dev we couldn’t hear you over the dead cow Angela Merkel: Yeesh Dev speek uhp 13 year old:*ignores Angela Merkel* I think your English is getting better Merkel. 20 year old: Dev…..actually you’re probably right, Grandma your English is getting better. Angela Merkel: Voooo, zit is guten naam 20 year old: Oh, hahaha, never mind, I guess not. 13 year old: I love you. 20 year old and Angela Merkel(simultaneously): No, you do not feel love, what you feel is obsession. Oh! Look! We’ve reached Arlington Cemetery! Dev, your grandma is buried here! 13 year old: Did you guys rehearse that. Oh right we’re here! Conductor: Everybody we’re at Arlington Cemetery, get off the train!!! *20 year old, 13 year old, and Angela Merkel get off the train* (to be continued, next week on A7)
Horror-scopes ^Aries|March 21-April 19
dLibra|September 23-October 22
You’ll tell a joke, eh.
You answer someone’s how are you, but they can’t really hear you, death by sword.
_Taurus|April 20-May 20
eScorpio|October 23-November 21
Some things May happen…… Maaaaah
`Gemini|May 21-June 21
B. Jones (oh you feel bad cause you didn’t get a real horoscope? This horrorscope while being a joke, is actually an accurate predictor of your life, and you just got a fourth wall joke, well maybe that’s who and what you are.)
June...ey
aCancer|June 22-July 22
Your family will go to the beach, at some point they’ll say “Heather can you take the rest of this in.”, you will say, “Sure” and then you’ll open your eyes and be left with three beach chairs, but you only have two hands! You’ll have to go twice. Hmmm. Maybe you can balance one between your forearm and your chest and then hold the other two with your hands. Oh! It’s working, oh, you’re crossing the street and oh no it’s slipping, it falls. Do you pick it up? You’ll find out when this happens to you.
bLeo|July 23-August 22
You have a birthday but it’s confusing and not as fun because it’s almost school. This sense of confusion is the real horror.
cVirgo|August 23-September 22
You park in the Rutgers lot without a permit, death by stoning.
fSagittarius|November 22-December 21
You buy something, and return it, but wrap the package really poorly, death by poison.
gCapricorn|December 22-January 19
you will enter your house, the first thing you’ll see is a door, you open the door, there is someone there, you open the next door, it’s a pile of miscellaneous papers, you don’t where they’re from but they look important, you forget to eat, and you forget to drink, but you never forget to be yourself. Eventually you die.
hAquarius|January 20-February 18
You’re perpetually trying to catch up in your classes. So you drop a class, and then you find yourself sleeping because of all that extra time. Oh no you slept through class AGAIN!
iPisces|February 19-March 20
Your eyelashes will become so big that they’ll start sticking to each other permanently.
You steal your neighbor’s cow, death by strangulation.
It's that time of year again! pick up a paper next week to check out our exclusive coverage of exxxotica, featuring RU Alum joanna angel there will be boobs and dicks—something for everyone! if you'd like to go to exxxotica, come to one of our meetings room 411b in the casc from 7:45-8:45 every wednesday
November 1st, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com A TOTAL COCK TEASE
Yankees cancel rutgers game to preserve reputation
stadium on Saturday, November 4th, but both teams have had their invite rescinded in order to preserve the Yankees' image. In a press release the Yankees stated, “We regret to inform the public that the Rutgers vs. Maryland Football game will be canceled. We want to take the energy from this postseason and run with it. Allowing Rutgers to play at the stadium, against Maryland of all teams, would tarnish the groundwork we’ve set this season.” The Rutgers Football program is shocked that the Yankees have decided to cut ties this way. After winning two consecutive conference games " Saved from an evening of public humiliation " and not getting blown out by Its probably for the best the Scarlet Knights don't have to play on such a big Michigan, fans were ecstatic to stage. see their teams play at Yankee Stadium. BY Throb Lowe “We understand why they Piscataway— After a solid from its schedule of events to wouldn’t want to associate postseason run, the New York improve their image. with Maryland. Nobody wants The Scarlet Knights were that, but we’re practically their Yankees have decided to cut the Rutgers vs. Maryland game set to face Maryland at Yankees backyard,” said University
Top 10 Things Home Runs Have Broken
BY throb lowe
1 windshield
The of Air Force One in 1977.
2 Trump's
Keys to the Matchup (talkin' 'bout soccer)
6
A baseball bat. But not one that hit the ball, a different bat.
7 The skull of a ticket scalper.
-Remind everyone that Rutgers has a soccer team.
My marriage. Alexa, please return my calls. I miss you.
8 The hearts of millions of
-Then remind everyone that the B1G tournament in coming up.
Christian Bale's arm during the filming of The Machinist.
The children of inattentive parents.
Ivanka priceless faberge egg collection.
3 4
5 FDR's legs.
President Robert Barchi “our business program has been loading Wall Street with douchebags for years. They can’t even throw us a bone?” Not everybody is torn up about the decision though. Freshman lineman Norman Suggs was quoted saying “Thank god we don’t have to go all the way to the city to lose. I get car sick.” When questioned about their decision, the Yankees responded with vague answers and beat around the bush when it came to logistics, but one message was clear: They were glad to have canceled this event. "Yeah, we're trying to be associated with winning over here," said a Yankees representative who preferred to remain nameless. Tune in to a sketchy stream from a Russian website to watch the Scarlet Knights and the Terps face off, because there’s no way this makes it to TV.
fans.
-Avoid hoards of rabid fans who know all the Northwestern soccer players. -Remember not to use your hands.
9
-Then hope people don't look up your record and realize you are 4-12-1.
-Then remind the keeper is the only one who's allowed to use his hands.
10
-Then say, "Hey, at least we're not the rowing team."
-Kick the ball really hard so it goes far.
-Remember it's about having fun out there.
-Bring the Chicago Bean on the field so everyone can look at it.
-Call grandma, she's lonely.
-Call grandma, she's lonely.
Rolf Gülfeil who was killed on the squash court in 1993.
Weaseling out of jury duty SINCE 1970