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november 8th, 2017
Volume LIV Issue IX 50¢ CAGE IS A SAGE
LOCAL HERO HAS NEVER A C T U A L LY PA I D TO W ATC H A K E V I N S PA C E Y M OV I E
QUICKIES
The Medium Declines to Comment On the Most Recent Mass NEW ARK— On October 30th, 2017, Anthony Rapp came out Shooting. to the press that Kevin Spacey made sexual advances towards We Will him at age 14. More allegations Just Wait have followed, and Mr. Spacey has experienced more and Two Weeks more backlash since, which has included being dropped by his For the agency and the hit Netflix show Next One “House of Cards.” Throughout this ordeal, one man has been an Homeless unsung hero; Newark resident Brian Sanchez has proudly Man Kills admitted that he has never once paid to watch a movie starring THE HERO WE DESERVE It In No Man chooses to watch National Treasure 2 for the 6th time instead of or featuring Kevin Spacey. Baby Driver “Over my 27 years on this God Shave forsaken planet, I have seen Continued on Page 2 November many, many movies. I’ve seen Can HE _____, HE SAW, HE CONQUERED MAN DOING NO-FAP NOVEMBER Colorblind People Be GUILT RIDDEN AND DEPRESSED Racist? CIA AFTER HAVING WET DREAM Announces JFK’s Death Was NEW BRUNSWICK a Suicide — In a new twist to No Shave November, chronic Serial Killmasturbator Rod Gozinya, has taken on this month to er Finds break away from his old habits rather than growing out his Honesty Is nonexistent facial hair. Taking on the challenge of No Fap Not Key to November, a month where one promises to completely let go Good Relaof masturbating for an entire 30 tionship days, Gozinya hopes to finally halt his fapping addiction. Sue dEnimm Now In all realities
Ivan Yakinov Seeking mail order bride
“I’ve been jerking it for as long as I can remember, even
VOTING
Since 1970
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News
"Where did you come from where did you go"
I HOPE HE PULLED OUT
themedium.news@gmail.com
More james, less...
CUMMIN'
...continued from front
before I hit puberty. Growing up, I originally had to rely on Macy’s catalogs and my mom’s panty drawer to use as spank material. But once I got high speed internet, it was the beginning of the end for me and my penis” Gozinya said. Gozinya, who can’t go without jerking it at least 3 times a day and has been arrested several times for public masturbation, has finally decided to turn over a new leaf. He made it through the first couple of days although he claims it wasn’t easy at all; but after the 4th day, he had a wet dream which has left him ridden with guilt and chronically depressed. “I don’t care if I wasn’t actually stroking my dick, I had a dream where I anally fucked Asa Akira and I just couldn’t hold it in. I essentially still masturbated and it shouldn’t make a difference whether I used my
Wednesday, November 8th, 2017
hands or not”. This wet dream has taken a serious toll on Gozinya, who has now decided to just give up on the no-fap challenge altogether. Gozinya now faps just to deal with the guilt of ruining his own no fapping goal. Trying to cure himself of his depression, he now has plans to start donating to the local sperm bank every couple days. “I now have a way to use my habit for the good of humanity and get paid for it!”. How long it will take Gozinya to completely get out of his guilt ridden and depressed state remains to be seen but the fact that he’s taking measures to improve himself is definitely a step in the right direction.The only downside is the fact that he might have hundreds of children possibly looking for him as their father in the near future.
spacey
9 Nicholas Cage movies. Many of them multiple times. But I can proudly say that I have never given a cent to Kevin Spacey,” said Sanchez. Many people are clamoring to condemn the very obviously guilty actor. It is quickly becoming a trend to claim superiority over the once elite Hollywood moguls by going to social media and bravely stating to the world how they would never touch a child. While incredible these actions are, Mr. Sanchez has been one step up from the crowd, retroactively boycotting Spacey for years. “Usual suspects? Sounds boring. Se7en? They can’t even spell right, why would I pay people who can’t even spell? American Beauty? I torrented that actually, but man, what a creep. I always knew he was gonna go on to touch little boys.” We asked a local
...continued from front
mathematician to calculate how much money was actually taken away directly from Kevin Spacey’s wallet because of the dedication of Mr. Sanchez, and it has been estimated to at least $3,000. “Just think about that, that was money he probably was gonna spend on diddling kids. Probably was gonna buy a white van with big black letters saying ‘FREE ACADEMY AWARDS FOR CHILD ACTORS’. What a disgusting pervert. And I have prevented that completely. You’re welcome,” said Sanchez. Getting back to his Spaceyfree film marathon, he added, "I would just like to announce that while I have both paid for and illegally streamed movies, I now choose to live as a film torrenter." The world could definitely use more everyday heroes like Mr. Sanchez.
news in pictures
President trump took some courses in costume design President donald trump as he heads over to pardon paul manafort desperately dressing him up as a turkey.
Editorial Staff Spring 2017
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Andrew Blustein Jake Goldstein Alex Hawley
Fratypus
News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Gavin Briggs-Perez Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Shaina Joseph Features Editor Rob Sanchez
wow i sure need to take up space. find out how i essentially take up so much space with virtually no content! Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Dan Cretella Scott Hoberman Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field People who talk too loudly about their lives
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This article is dedicated to the victims of the latest mass shooting.
opinions
Wednesday, November 8th, 2017
themedium.opinions@gmail.
the Medium
“I don’t drink, I guzzle.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
University voices: Why are you still single? “I’m not single, I’m just married to my major.” Morgan Lee Pharmacy provides all the chemistry she needs.
“My parents can’t decide who to arrange my marriage with.” Kev Patel Waiting for his Bollywood love story. “Because dating a professor is ‘frowned upon’ and ‘a violation of academic integrity?’” Kara Simon Teacher’s pet.
boo hoo :’(
NOTHING SCARY HAPPENED TO ME THIS HALLOWEASON AND I’M MAD ABOUT IT BY ZLOE CARCRASHIAN
As you may or may not know, dear reader, the theoretically spooky month of October has rapidly come and gone. Much to my chagrin, not a single damn spooky event has befallen me in these last thirty-one days. This year in particular, due to the 1 in 11 odds of one of its Fridays being a 13th, October should have been a nonstop avalanche of terror. I was prepared for this. I spent the first week and a half or so living in a state of constant fear, bathing in magic herbs, and forsaking my occult paraphernalia left and right. I slowly began to realize that all of this was completely unnecessary. Halloween drew closer and like nothing really happened. My Halloweekend was actually very nice. I had a fun time going out with some friends. However, I felt that I was put in potentially scary or life-threatening situations about 100% less frequently than originally expected. No one even like, snuck up behind me or anything. I think I saw Hocus Pocus on TV maybe once. Has it always been like this? Maybe this is growing up. Nothing in the physical world really scares me anymore since the slowly marching wall of cloven-hooved ungulates has begun to manifest itself in my dreams, marching ever closer, their ominous sighs growing ever louder as they become ever more inescapable.
is this a rhetorical?
UP UNTIL THIS SEMESTER, I SAID “SOCRATES” WRONG BY PAUL HARPER
I take great pride in my philosophical knowledge. Since elementary school, I immersed myself in the works philosophers from ancient Greece up to contemporary thinkers like Nietzsche and Kafka. I always felt confident in my ability to analyze an argument, find objections and respond with a logically sound response. While other kids my age were trading pokemon cards and picking their noses, I was sitting in a corner with my face shoved in books or glued to PBS documentaries on the histories of long-extinct governments and religions. Then I walked into my Intro to Philosophy class this semester and my world was shaken to its core. I learned that after years of intellectual discussions with my uncles, neighbors and parents’ colleagues at Thanksgiving dinners, work barbecues and block parties, I had been pronouncing Socrates’ name wrong. For as long as I can remember I have been pronouncing it “Sew-cray-tees” and to my surprise, my professor and all of my classmates pronounced the name of one of the founders of of Western philosophy as “Sockra-tees.” The shock and horror that flooded over me as I came to learn my error affected me for at least two days. I couldn’t sleep, eat and barely focused enough to take notes in my classes. Externally, I may have appeared fine, but internally I chastised myself for mispronouncing the name of one of my philosophical idols. It wasn’t until I re-read all of Plato’s works referencing Socrates, did I regain my confidence and the honorary approval of one of the greatest thinkers of all time. As Socrates would say, “what I do not know, I do not think I know” and I didn’t live up to that until I learned my error. I can now look at my mistake as a lesson from the man himself, I now know what I did not know before. Thank you Socrates.
loveboat on wheels
OK, I DIDN’T KNOW HER, BUT SHE WAS KIND OF CUTE, SO I WENT ALONG WITH IT BY ROGER HAWKE So, I was sitting on the bus one night on my way back to the quads after a late Intro to Microeconomics class, when all of a sudden, a smiling girl boarded and sat next to me. I was taken by surprise because she was almost kind of cute and no one remotely reminiscent of Bella Thorne has ever approached me, let alone sat near me before. Then she started talking to me. That’s when I realized she thought I was someone else. She started talking about some assignment involving case studies of the female experience from a sociology class that I am definitely not taking. But I went along with it. I thought that even if I didn’t know anything about the assignment, maybe I could leverage that into her meeting up with me and working on the project together. Then she pulled out her keys to go to her dorm and I saw her name on her RUID, Laurie Cooperson. Before I started freshman year, my mom told me my second cousin Laurie from the side of the family we stopped talking to after the Easter disaster of 2002 was going to Rutgers too. It was her. I knew I recognized that soft auburn hair from somewhere.
the Medium
Wednesday, November 8th, 2017 “Hey, you up? Nah, I’m down.”-My Female Penis
The Medium’s
Adventure
Ok so this guy sells BDSM stuff in a booth at eXXXotica n the Medium, I hope he doesn’t BEAT himself up over it.
This sign says Jesus Loves Porn Stars. Feat. Our very own porn cucks from the Medium.
RedBull May give you wings, but Joanna Angel takes you to heaven.
Abella Danger, still reeling from the Dodgers’ recent World Series loss.
The floor is my chair.
Wednesday, November 8th, 2017 “I don’t get it, porn is just pixels.”
the Medium
Actual question from actual Medium Editor: Name one misconception people have about porn stars, and one career would you do if you were not a porn star. ...and GO
“All porn stars are not on drugs or drinking. If I had a different career I would probably be a writer or a biographer. ”-Bree Olsen
“It’s a misconception that all porn stars are stupid, like, well most aren’t, we won’t fuck just anyone. I would choose interior design if I wasn’t a porn star.” -Lexi Belle
“People shouldn’t think porn is a last resort. Try being more openminded and progressive. I would be a chef if I wasn’t a porn star, ‘You’re gonna want to eat me in so many ways.’”
“There’s a misconception that women aren’t empowered in the industry, I’m a feminist and I run my own business. I love sex, I love this business. I’m a bookworm and I majored in Gender Studiese studies and I did a Qualatative study on the female experience.”-Angela White
Personals
the Medium
Wednesday, November 8th, 2017
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“I really hope Phil won”
Gun Nuts
Clean Rinse
Arranged Rage
Can we just mandate that all white men receive therapy? (Because mental health screenings are easier than banning toys.) [Some emojis I can’t type up because A) I don’t have iOS 11 and B) I type this on a 2001 Mac.] (Please send real jokes.) I’ve been playing way too much Destiny 2 on PC and I have exams coming up. (Throw a camera in front of you and try to make some of that Youtube money because that is more likely than passing your exam.) You never know how much toilet paper you can save until you start running out. (Pro-tip: If you go into any bathroom there is almost a 75% chance one of the stall rolls was just changed and with a bit of force you can rip it out and take it home.)
I bought a bidet for my toilet and it ends up giving me full enemas. Is it defective or am I using it correctly? (My french buddy once told me that you know that you have a good bidet if there is blood in the bowl. So turn it up and good luck!) I want to kill myself by eating a shit ton of bananas. (The average adult would need to intake 195,000mg of potassium to reach fatal levels. A standard weight medium banana contains 422mg of potassium. Thus to die one would have to eat 487 bananas. Have fun.) BEST hall is totally a cult. (What is BEST? I’ve never even heard of this, hold on... [typing] Oh, its just some places on Busch. I say let them have their fun, Busch campus is one of the worst places to live. I say let them have their fun.)
I’m going to Bangladesh for a few weeks and I’m like 96-97% sure that my parents have a potential FOB husband waiting for me there. (Well look at it this way, you are like Jasmine in that one Disney movie about the poor kid that lies. Just hope that boy has Robin Williams in a little tea pot and things should work out fine.) My professor said she would give me an A+ so long as I would stop trying to hit on her... Should I be offended?
Check out our sexy new ad.
Also see us Wed. 7:45pm CASC 411B
(Hey, an A is an A. I’d be more offended that she gave you an A. I’d sleep with all my professors at once for straight C+’s.)
QOTD
“It is with a heavy heart that we end production on the Stranger Things X House of Cards crossover”
The Meek Mile
Meek Mill got 2 years. Shades ‘n Hughes (It’s funny how black artI just want to give a big ists get years in jail, yet Paris Hilton gets caught shoutout to Langston with coke and she just goes Hughes! to rehab for a week and is (Is he an actor of some freed.) kind? Because these days I dyed my hair blue and people find that one’s per- now my entire bathroom versions have killed many is blue. careers that took years to (So you’re saying it’s blue build.) dabba di dabba di? Your VOTE PHIL 4 WEED. only recourse is to try and (Also because Kim said she die your hair a mix of colors doesn’t like the Boss, and no that resemble your old bathelected offical in NJ should room.) not like the E-Street Band.) How often do stabbings How much vomit is too happen on Hamilton much for inside an Uber. Street? The crime alerts are constant. (Same as relatives named (Depends on how I feel.) Keith... one is too many.) Anyone have a really Can we all go just one long piece of rope? Like week without killing? REALLY long. (Probably not...no joke, shit (Last time I talked to my sucks.) dad, he told me that I always have just enough to hang myself.)
-Netflix
Losing Religion My athiest professor STILL wants me to become athiest. I’m gonna try to convert him to Judaism as revenge. (You gotta start small. First you do little things like swapping his clam chowder with matzah ball soup or replacing all his bacon with turkey bacon. Then you move to subtly teach him Hebrew through conversation before circumcising him in his sleep.) Should I follow my favorite porn star on social media? (Even your grandma uses social media, have her follow too.) I keep forgetting Vine died. (Hard to believe that a format only allowing for seven second clips died while Youtube has seven day long videos and is still going.)
Wednesday, November 8th, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
F/arts
“Doctor Mengele sounds like kind of a dick”
this day in history: xxx Edition Wilhelm Conrad Rontgen discovers the XXX-ray in 1895, a “significant scientific advancement that would ultimately benefit a variety of fields, most of all [porn], by making the invisible visible,” according to history.com. Seriously.
the Medium
pants of rutgers Hello. We, here at The Medium, were interested in the apparel of our diverse student body. We were particularly interested in getting into the pants of Rutgers, so we sent some curious correspondents to the streets to get to the bottom of it. Hold onto your britches, because it’s gonna be a bumpy ride, bitches.
pussy grabs back
Pants #1: The Classic Blacks “They’re really comfortable, I like how they fit, like kind of slim.” “Just to be like comfortable without looking too bummy.” dixxx of the week: kids menu maze & exxxodicka
“presidential unrest” by donarudu turanpu
why don’t you get off of your lazy ass and come visit us here at the medium? we know youre probably reading this right now considering coming but you always say “next week”...well this time don’t. grow a pair and come....please ;D we meet on mondays at 8 in the livingston student center (117D) and wednesdays at 7:45 in the rutgers student center (411)
November 8th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com REALLY GOOD AT HITTING
Rand Paul's Neighbor to fight in ufc following physical altercation early afternoon on November 3rd. The attorney representing Boucher has stated that “My client’s motivates were not political in nature. Rather, he assaulted [Paul] to prove he has the prowess to fight in the UFC.” The fight resulted in Paul sustaining five broken ribs and bruised lungs, and Boucher being reached out to by three different gyms offering to train him to fight. Hans Shwartzkampf, owner of Uber Crush Combat Gymnasium in New York, said “Boucher has the sheer physical prowess and " A NEIGHBORLY DISPUTE SETTLED LIKE MEN " mental durability to not only Rene Boucher beat the fuck out of Rand Paul like he's been doing it for put a politician in the hospital, years. but become one of the most prolific fighters in the history of BY Throb Lowe the sport.” After his $7,500 bail was Piscataway— Rene Boucher, has just declared he will begin paid, Boucher traveled from the man who just kicked training to fight in the UFC. Kentucky to Los Vegas to meet Boucher assaulted Paul at the everloving shit out of Republican Senator Rand Paul, the Senator’s residence in the with Dana White to speak about
Keys to the Matchup
Top 10 Moments in College Football this Season
BY throb lowe
1 Any time Rutgers scored against a BIG 10 Team.
2 Jim
6
The Ohio State mascot getting caught with narcotics.
7 West Virginia's unveiling
When Harbaugh pissed himself on field. of a new incestuous mascot
3 Saquon Barkley pretending Joe Pa didn't know.
4
8
Three words. Cheerleader nip slip.
9
Nick Saban drinking the blood When FSU's players accidentally played for USC. of cheerleaders to stay alive.
5 Every on-field fight ever.
the possibility becoming a part of UFC 219 on December 30th of this year. “Despite his advanced age, we believe Rene can really bring an edge to this sport. What he did to Rand Paul is something we really admire, given that he came out of the scrum virtually unscathed. We can't wait to get him in the octagon,” White stated to the press. Even Rand Paul is excited to see his neighbor, and ex-( physician) partner on the big stage of the UFC. “The way that guy kicked my ass, I’d hope he would put those skills to good use.” Paul wheezed through the tube preventing his larynx from collapsing. Boucher denied any request for a comment, but be on the lookout for this rising star in the fighting world.
10 When a Miami player gets to wear that dope chain.
-Don't let the Maryland win get to your head; they suck.
-Show up and you should be good.
-Try not to be bored to death in Happy Valley.
-Remember to shake hands after the game this time so your coach doesn't have to run after you.
-Tell Saquon Barkley he has a stupid name and hope it gets to his head. -Then realize that won't work and hope he just takes it easy on you. -Don't fuck up because apparently you're two wins away from being bowl eligible.
-Keep it simple and give the best player in the country the ball. -Know that this will be the high point of your life because you go to Penn State -Just give us this one, please.
Denying that we have a problem SINCE 1970