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november 29th, 2017
Volume LIV Issue XI 50¢ GOBBLE GOBBLE BITCH
THANKSGIVING TURKEY WOULD RATHER BE SLAUGHTERED THAN PARDONED BY TRUMP MIKE HAWK PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER
WASHINGTON — President Trump has spent much time trying to overturn things that have been achieved during the Obama presidency. However, Trump decided to continue the tradition of pardoning the Thanksgiving turkeys but this time, with a twist. Instead of the regular two turkeys up on the spotlight, the main and the backup turkey, there were 14. Trump had brought in all the previous turkeys pardoned throughout the Obama era and slaughtered them himself
right there on the stage for everyone to see. He then turned to Drumstick and Wishbone and pardoned them for not being good enough to eat. Both turkeys clearly looked
understandably horrified for what they had just witnessed. We got a hold of both turkeys
Continued on Page 2
QUICKIES
Targum Dips Its Adorable Little Toes Into Complex Field of Satire Roy Moore Takes Guitar LessonsFigures Out He’s Good at Fingering Minors RIP Randy Jackson
ARBEIT MACHT WHY
TRUMP DEATH CAMPS SHOULD The ELIMINATE RACISM BY KILLING Dora Explorer Is Really Just OTHER RACES Lost And CAILLOU COLLECTS WW2 MEMORABILIA
WASHINGTON — This morning at 9:00, Trump announced his plans to begin construction on what is being called “Trump Camps,” a measure that is being taken to reduce systemic racism in the United States. “Starting immediately, we will begin constructing our ‘Trump Camps’ across this great nation,” Trump stated this morning. “And believe me, this is going to be good-really, really
- and this is for the liberal media who have been whining ‘Trump won’t condemn neo-nazis.’ Well folks, let me tell you - how are they going to screw this one up, huh? Who knows.” The current goal of the administration is to have the first of the camps constructed by late May 2018, and hopes to be able to begin sending minorities to the camps by late June 2018. An ideal timeline predicts that all minorities will be eliminated by late 2019. Professor of politics at the University of Pennsylvania, Dr. Denzel Oduwole, has expressed
his approval with Trump’s camps, despite significant past differences. “I believe Trump has finally heard the cries of the American people and has shifted his stance on complacency in regards to white supremacy and the normalization of neo-nazi beliefs. He’s finally attacking the root cause of systemic racism in our nation at its very core: the existence of minority groups.” This new effort by Trump has been receiving widespread approval from both sides of the spectrum. The few critics of Trump’s camps have expressed concerns over the feasibility of Continued on Page 2
NOT THE TARGUM Since 1970
Has Been For Years
How to Tell If You’re A Serial Killer With Catcher In The Rye
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NEWS
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"You know my penis, not my story"
BEARS, BEETS, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
RUSSIAN INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS RAISING BEARS IN DORM ROOMS HIPPIE HIPS DON'T LIE
LIVINGSTON — Over the past year, several students have submitted complaints throughout the Livingston campus regarding loud “growl-like noises” in the middle of the night. After resident assistants failed to find the source of the growls, residence life began a full investigation to ensure the safety of all students. What they assumed to be a raccoon and/or sexual deviant living in the building turned out to be so much more. Upon resident assistants being instructed to inform the police on suspicious noises, the cops raided the Livingston Towers to find a family of domesticated bears living in separate dorm rooms. Russian international students had been herding them in the middle of the
night from the Livingston preservation to the dorms, drugging them with alcohol to do so. In fact, the students disclosed that making the bears extremely dependant alcoholics was the way to keep them quiet most of the time. The “growls” were only heard when the bears were fiending for alcohol. When questioned about the domestication of these wild animals, transfer student Vasili Vasiliev stated, “It seemed unorthodox that we are not allowed pets in dorms. At home, I had three bears named Stalin, Cyka, and Putin.” Another student, Natasha Steveslav claimed, “My bears is my best friends. I loves them dearly – they even good at making of the love.” Upon making
this statement, Natasha was shortly removed from university premises and arrested for bestiality. The final student to be interviewed, Alexander Zaslavsky, stated, “Fuck America. My parents send me to this ridiculous country to get second rate education, and now you fuckers tell me I cannot even haves my bears? Fuck you all. If this gets me kicked out of school, I will gratefully transfer to Moscow University, where they let you have not ONE, not TWO, but up to SEVEN cubs if you want them.” By the end of the interviews, the police realized that the students could not comprehend what they had done wrong, and thus were kicked out of university housing.
NEWS IN PICTURES
SOLAR MISHAP
After spending most of his afternoon on the crosswalk, a blind old man causes frustration amongst commuters as he sits down in front of traffic still waiting for the solar eclipse. An angry woman, unable to get him to move, looks down as she realizes she won't make it to her gynecology appointment on time.
Editorial Staff Fall 2017
Wednesday, November 29th, 2017
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Andrew Blustein Jake Goldstein Alex Hawley
Fratypus
NO-THANKSGIVING TURKEY
...continued from front
to see if they wanted to share their thoughts about that fateful encounter. “I’d rather be fucking dead than be associated with this dumpster fire of a presidency, and I’m a fucking turkey” Drumstick said. Meanwhile, it seems as if Wishbone didn’t really have much to say on the topic. When asked, the White house Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders had this to say on the topic. “Those turkeys asked to be slaughtered. They couldn’t live anymore knowing the fact that they may have been pardoned by such a terrible president. In fact, they asked us to re-pardon them but we told them that it was not possible! If anyone should be appalled, be appalled at the fact that they went this long without someone listening to their problems!” Who knew Sarah loved turkeys this much?
BUTTENWALD TRUMP
...continued from front
the project. “All I’m saying is that we should just be a little skeptical,” stated Dr. Mordecai Goldstein, professor of Jewish studies at Yeshiva University. “Trump definitely seems to be making moves in the right direction, but I just feel like we should go into this with a healthy amount of skepticism is all.” For once in our nation’s existence, it seems that both sides can agree that Trump is finally doing something right.
HOW WAS YOUR THANKSGIVING? WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT STOP LOOKING TO A SATIRE PUBLICATION FOR VALIDATION IN YOUR FUTILE ATTEMPT TO STAVE OFF LONELINESS
News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Gavin Briggs-Perez Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Shaina Joseph Features Editor Rob Sanchez
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Dan Cretella Scott Hoberman Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Ruptured appendices
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This article is dedicated to Gavin.
OPINIONS
Wednesday, November 29th, 2017
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“If you want people to take you seriously, hire men.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
University voices: It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving with my family without this at the table? “That one guy who insists ‘I didn’t vote for Trump, I voted against Hillary’” Liz Jenkins Not HIS constituent.
“My sister trying to convince everyone to become a vegetarian.” Roberto Rubio Still ate turkey.
“Inviting guests over and pretending that our family is happy” Priyanka Patel This is her fake smile. PAPER-GONE WITH THE WIND?
HAND DRYERS HAVE ENJOYED AN UNCHECKED RISE TO POWER FOR ENTIRELY TOO LONG BY HORSE TRANQZ
After calling it quits at the gym last leg day (Tuesday) I washed up in the locker room and was prepared to make my usual seamless and smooth exit. Hands still dripping, I searched, clear-headed, but with an underlying undercurrent of urgency, for the nearest drying agent. What happened next shocked me. Caught up in the forward march of technological advancement, my gym had gone entirely paperless. I subjected my hands to a harsh and confusing blade of air, and then continued my journey through the day, albeit slightly shaken. I remember the days not too long ago when I could dry my hands on a soft bundle of paper sheets and be happily on my way. Air dryers claim to be sanitary and efficient, but when was the last time someone refilled your hand dryer? How would you even do that? That air just went on everybody’s hands, bro. For years. I’m a simple man satisfied with simple paper hand drying materials straight out of the woods or nature. Not everything has to be “green” despite what those air salespeople might lead you to believe. Paper my hands until all traces of water have been washed away, and I will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I HAVE THE BEST EVIL DICTATOR MUSTACHE BY SADDAM HUSSEIN
As most people in the world already know, I had the world’s most famous mustache back in the 1990’s. My mustache has a personality of its own, all the citizens of Iraq and surrounding Middle Eastern countries feared it with their lives. I had it groomed everyday by Iraq’s greatest hairstylist Abdul alHazizi himself, who would cut it perfectly every time out of fear of being executed by it. My mustache has quite the resumé, in both style and atrocities witnessed. For over 20 years, my mustache has accompanied me when I raided villages, kidnapped entire families, mass executed ethnic minorities, and even when I chemically gassed my own people. Despite all that bloodshed, my mustache is still unfazed by everything. My mustache has balls too. What kind of balls you ask? It challenged the leader of the world’s most powerful country to come to war, not once, but twice! Those pansy Kuwaitis couldn’t even hold off the fury of my mustache and had to call Bush Sr.’s troops for help just to get me out. Thewy may have succeeded that time, but my mustache does not give up. My mustache is a true fighter. In 2003, it got its revenge when it made Bush Jr. think I had weapons of mass destruction. Biggest bluff in history I tell ya. My mustache is fabulous, has style, is pure evil, and is a massive prankster. I doubt anyone can lay even lay a single comb on it.
YOUR MUSTACHE ISN’T EVEN ON THE SAME PLANET AS MINE BY JOSEPH STALIN Saddam, that’s a really nice list of atrocities you’ve got there. But all that is pee-wee league compared to the hall of fame stats that belong to my mustache. My mustache didn’t even need a stylist. It kept itself groomed because it didn’t forget whose face its on. My mustache wasn’t a picky racist like yours who only killed ethnic minorities. My mustache hated everyone equally. That’s why it killed anyone who defied it, regardless of race. Its kill count would give every evil dictator who ever existed wet dreams. Over 20 million silenced and millions more forced into gulags. Numbers so big you can’t even reach that amount in Call of Duty. My mustache also isn’t a wimp like yours. While most people stayed inside and atrophied by cold weather and snow, my mustache instead became stronger and reached new power levels beyond our comprehension. It fought one of the greatest battles in history and singlehandedly beat the Nazis while drunk on vodka and potatoes when they thought they had the balls to try to invade the Soviet Union in the winter. During the 70 years I lived, I never once touched my mustache and yet, it remained exactly like it was when I first hit puberty. Saddam, we shouldn’t even be having this conversation. Come back to me when your mustache’s balls finally drop and it actually knows how to take care of itself.
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MEET THE
Now the story of an impoverished newspaper that struggles to find readers, and the one editor-in-chief who had no choice but to keep it running without any real incentive...it’s Meet The Medium, Arrested Development style.
“Steve Holt!” -Steve Holt Robert Sanchez, Features Editor
“Anyong” -Anyong, Dan Um, just around
MEDIUM
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Wednesday, November 29th, 2017
“Those are balls” -Barry Zuckerkorn Alex Hawley, Business Manager
“Gene Parmesan, how you doin’?” -Gene Parmesan Scott Hoberman, Copy Editor
PERSONALS
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Wednesday, November 29th, 2017
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“Still have not registered for classes”
Family Circle
Midterm Eviction
Lone Star of David
I need help figuring out this puzzleA l a b a m a + A n c e s t r y. com=???. (A single long tree branch.) The worst part of Thanksgiving with my white girlfriend’s family was all of the ‘Get Out’ references they made. (I wonder what is worse, racist parents or really woke parents.) Good news! I went to Bangladesh and my parents didn’t try to force me into marriage! (Hooray now you get to go through the hell that is dating!) This year my family learned another race my grandpa is not a fan of bringing the total to 6. (There is something about being locked in a house with a dozen people, fatty food, and alchohol that brings out that old southern pride in my family.)
Gosh darn it! If Zimbabwe can get rid of their terrible president, well then shucks guys, so can we! (Generally I assume that Zimbabweans are more intelligent than the average American. It really helps when making travel plans.) Millenials these days expect everything to be handed to them. How did a whole generation become so lazy? (Maybe we wouldn’t have to survive off handouts if SOME GENERATION didn’t collectivly cripple all of us by allowing college to become so expensive.) Why is no one doing anything about the BEST Hall Cult? (I dunno, most cults I’ve run into were pretty harmless. Though that was mainly the Blue Oyster Cult, so I might be biased.)
My Jewish buddy decided to move to Texas, but not the Austin part, the deep bible thumping 2nd Amendment part of Texas. (He can go about this one of two ways. First he can never mention he is Jewish and see how long it takes for people to notice, or he can play the “Jews rule the world” card and dominate them with mind control.) My professor canceled class this week and now I’ve forgotten everything about that class. (I have the same problem, not due to the break, but due to the fact that I have just stopped showing up to half my classes... Don’t tell my mom.)
I WANNA FUCK THIS AD
Also fuck us Wed. 7:45pm CASC 411B
QOTD
“There is more than one way to skin a cat, but no good way to tell the family why.”
Teddy Bare
Ted ED is literally crack. (Binging that channel is My cat is an outdoor cat, the best way to stockpile a but he is so fat we don’t massive amount of useless information to show off at think he gets very far. Christmas parties. I highly (Based on what I know recommend it.) about people, no matter how fat they are they will Animal Crossing Pocket find a way to get where they Camp is the cellphone want to go. Look for a little game equivelent of being blue balled. kitty mobility scooter.) (I agree 100%. This app Phil won and we are get- just makes me want a full ting weed soon. Animal Crossing game (Finally sensible reform to to come out! Add me btw mellow out the kids from 0171 3505 106) The Jersey Shore.) Is there still enough time Friends needed a black to bring all my grades up guy. past F’s? (Hell why didn’t That 70’s (Because I don’t want to show have one? Or Two break your heart I will say... and a Half Men? Or...) Yes there is plenty of time, How do I ask for a lot this give it your all!) Christmas without Anyone think that Amerseeming like a mooch? ica is about to explode? (Just ask for a bunch of (If you mean politically, clothing that you can flip then yes. If you mean the for a profit. I did that for super volcano under Yelyears with sneakers.) lowstone...)
Stray Cat Strut
-Jon Arbuckle
Sent Nudes How do I explain my search history to people? I’m in the art school and have to look up naked people for references. (You kinda just did.... While I have you here, why don’t I tell you about this amazing offer for mesothelioma patients. Have you been diagnosed with mesothelioma and are looking for finantial compensation? Call the law offices of John and Johnson, for a free consultation.) What was the last break for? Was it some American Holiday? (It’s a celebration of the day we took a break from killing Native Americans only to go back to killing Native Americans.) NEVER go back and look at old photos of yourself in middle school. (I’m going to just tell my kids I skipped middle school. Erase the evidence.)
Wednesday, November 29th, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
F/ARTS
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“There’s always money in the banana stand”
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
PANT OF THE WEEK
Atari announces the release of Pong in 1972, the first commerically successful video game
Pants #3: Sunday Blues (these are blue just in case this paper skimps out and goes black and white) It was so successful you can find kids playing it in their parents’ basements when they’re out of town, on tarped driveways on a hot summer day and at pretty much every lame frat party ever. House rules bro.
DEPRESSIONS OF A TEENAGE COLLEGE STU-
“Cause on Sundays I don’t wear pants cause on Sundays I do laundry.” “Actually, I just hemmed it yesterday.” #feminism
2 FOR THE PRICE OF 1
Ranking Rutgers University Student Centers by How Depressing They Are at Night Because I Said So
Now a Ranking of Each Dining Hall’s Water Quality, You’re Welcome
5. College Avenue Student Center 4. Douglass Student Center 3. Cook Student Center 2. Busch Student Center 1. Livingston Student Center
1. Busch Dining Hall 2. Livingston Commons 3. Brower Commons 4. Neilson Dining Hall
“FULL SPREAD” “BIG VAGINA” “SPREAD EAGLE” “DOWN UNDER” ‘‘INDICKANA MOANS’’ BY DICK OF THE WEEK
November 29th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com THE END IS NIGH
RUTGERS COMMUNITY AMPED THAT FOOTBALL SEASON HAS ENDED fans erupted with excitement that the season had finally ended for their team. Local fan and university alumni Karen Gardner, 42, said “I’ve never seen the stadium get that loud. Not one person was sitting when that game finally ended.” Rutgers finished 4-8 this season, which is an improvement on their 2016 campaign, going 2-10 that year. Regardless of record, this football community is just glad the season has finally ended. Coach Chris Ash was the first to weigh in. "FINALLY FREE FROM ALL THE PAIN " “It’s like a huge weight has been Football season has finally come to an end for the Rutgers University Scarlifted off my shoulders. The let Knights. suffering has ended and I can finally relax again. Maybe the BY THROB LOWE ulcers in my stomach will even P I S C ATAWAY — R u t g e r s Knights were outscored 40-7 go away until next season.” Quarterback Giovanni University’s football season by the Spartans, a loss taken in Rescigno told the press that he finally ended this past Saturday classic Rutgers fashion. in a loss to Michigan State. The At the end of the fourth quarter, was “glad he could take a break
Top 10 Things to Do Instead of Watching Rutgers Sports
BY THROB LOWE
6
1 Watch some porn
Take your lover to Niagara Falls
2
7
Call your parents
3
4 Watch a good team play 5 every episode
Watch Game of Thrones
In a last ditch attempt to save their failed season, The New York Giants have signed Andre the Giant onto their roster. With little knowledge of the playbook and the game of football in general, Andre spends his time on the field looking tough and posing for the cameraman while sending threats and screaming obscenities at Hulk Hogan.
Learn to cook something new
Write to your congressional representative
8
Childproof your home and do acid
9
Go to the library and masturbate deep in the stacks of
from playing football and focus all his efforts in to crushing freshman pussy.” Players and staff aren’t the only people relieved to see the season end. Fans all over New Jersey are ecstatic that they won’t have to watch Rutgers play for a while. “The suffering is over, even if it is just until next season” said sophomore Mark Davis. “I think it’ll really help me cut down on how much Xanax I take since I won’t be ripping my hair out every weekend.” The only thing on the mind of the Scarlet Knights now is not totally fucking up basketball season. Pat Hobbs noted that he'd be embarrassed to have to call Mike Rice if this season disappoints.
10
Base jumping
Bathing in self tanner SINCE 1970