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NOVEMBER 2ND, 2016
Volume LII Issue VIII 50¢ THIRST TRAP AHEAD
FOUNTAIN DRINK MACHINE RUNS OUT OF FLAVORED SYRUP BY RADIO RAHEEM DOES THE RIGHT THING
PISCATAWAY—Rutgers School of Engineering sophomore Julia Hernandez reportedly experienced yet another crushing disappointment last night at the dining hall on Busch campus. After three different types of soda at the fountain drink machine didn’t have any flavored syrup, Hernandez decided to just get a water and go back to her table. Hernandez went to the dining hall with three friends from class after a long day of studying in the Library of Science and Medicine. After an intense six-hour long Thermodynamics review, all she wanted was a crisp, refreshing glass of Diet Coca-Cola on ice with her pasta. After filling a fresh glass to the brim with ice and Diet Coke, Hernandez happily went back to sit with her friends. Just when she thought she was about to
TOTAL DEVASTATION Julia Hernandez cries over the poor quality of Busch's fountain drinks
take a sip of her sweet treat, her world was shattered when it just tasted like brown carbonated water. “I couldn’t believe it,” said Hernandez, with tears welling in her eyes. “It just tasted terrible. It wasn’t sweet at all; it was just fizzy colored water.” This wasn’t the end of her disappointment. After
walking all the way back to the soda machine, she decided to try something else. “I’ll have a regular Coke then, right? What the hell! I deserve this,” she said. “So, I filled up my glass with Coke and took a sip immediately, and I couldn’t believe that the same thing happened twice. I poured it Continued on Page 2
HAPPY CHRISTMAS 2ND
Woman Already Decorating For Christmas BY GRIND ALL ARTIC PUFFIN #1
SOME WHITE SUBURB—At around 12:01 AM Monday night, neighbors say they saw Mary Ellen Callahan already decorating for Christmas. Callahan had apparently waited until the clock struck midnight on Monday, signaling the first day of November, to smash the pumpkin that had previously been perched on her step. Witnesses say they heard the smash of the pumpkin followed by Callahan shouting “Fa-la-la, motherfuckers!” Neighbors reported that just mere minutes after the end of October 31st, Callahan had already begun blasting Mariah Carey's hit "All I Want For Christmas Is You" while firing
up the fake snow machine. Eye witness reports say that within thirty minutes, Callahan had already blown up four reindeers, a sleigh for Santa, a menorah (for multiculturalism), and three snowmen. “I’m not done yet but I figured you have to start somewhere!” exclaimed the over-enthusiastic mother of three. Apparently, she still has a ferris wheel with all nine reindeers each playing different instruments to the tune of "Here Comes Santa Claus". Upon further investigation, it seems that Callahan has also already switched out her children’s entire wardrobe for more “Christmas-like” garment. “It was seventy degrees the other day but she took all my
t-shirts,” said son Calvin. “All I have now is a bunch of snowman and reindeer sweaters. I’m going to die!” The family is also reportedly preparing their yearly Christmas letter in which they send a whole update of the entire family’s happenings to everyone from their family members to old friends from college they haven’t seen in twenty years. When asked for his opinion on the early celebration Mr. Callahan said, “Leave me the fuck out of it.” "This is my favorite holiday and it's never too early to start celebrating!" said Callahan as she began to "casually" whip up some egg nog and Pillsbury Santa cookies, continuing her madness.
FUCKING YOUR MOM Since 1970
QUICKIES
CHECK OUT OUR ELECTION COVERAGE INSIDE Nips Not Ready for Winter Future Was Actually Pretty Good?
What You're Missing Out On: This Banana Guy Misses Memo, Dresses Up as Clown for Halloween Pat Hobbs: Still Killing It Tho Vine Shuts Down: Million of Milennials Out of Work Freshman Really Banking on Getting into Public Speaking Spring Semester
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NEWS
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"BRING LANDEN BACK 2016"
TYPICAL TREE HUGGER
WELCOME TO PIRGATORY
Self-Righteous Prick Arrested For Environmental Crimes BY ENGINEER BY TRADE RESIDENT OLD MAN
NEW BRUNSWICK—Sunday morning, Rutgers police arrested jogger Devin Ronson for violating campus codes regarding litter. Had it not been for the atypically warm weather this weekend, Ronson would have never been identified as he was caught in the act on Dudley Road, scooping up roadside refuse and depositing it in the appropriate receptacles. Ronson, a fifth-year Communications major, minoring in Psychology, was picked up by a RUPD patrol vehicle with both hands full of aluminum soda cans and plastic and glass bottles before he could stow them in the trash and recycling bins. Arresting officer Oscar Growsh told witnesses, "We have some very strict anti-anti-littering policy for environmental reasons. Why? I couldn't say." Dr. Bernhard Krupp, a distinguished professor in the Environmental Sciences department helped pass the policy back in 1972. "We have this policy because of the special ecosystem of New Brunswick,"
Krupp explains. "There's no doubt students have all noticed how the backstreets of College Avenue are unbelievably trashy." In recent years, misguided environmental student groups have lobbied and brought about the inclusion of waste and recycling bins of various shapes and sizes across all campuses. A spokesperson for University Facilities, the division that manages these receptacles offered comment: "In order to appease student groups while still caring for local animal populations, waste bins are positioned only every thirty feet. This provides frequent enough opportunities to seem competently 'green' to outsiders and concerned students while balancing the fact that no reasonable person can walk fifteen feet in either direction just to throw out their trash. These garbage cans are paid for by students as part of campus fees every semester and are maintained by the University." Ronson will be charged Monday afternoon and he may have to pay penalties of up to $250.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
NJPIRG Worker Stabbed to Death BY TRAITOROUS GUMBALL LOCAL CANINEW
THROW OUT THAT SHIT This hipster is really pissed about the state of waste.
Editorial Staff Fall 2016
Wednesday, November 2nd 2016
Andrew Blustein Sifat Mahbub Not Andrej Eftimov
Fratypus
NEW BRUNSWICK—NJPIRG worker Chad Phillips was stabbed and killed by an unknown hero at some point in the last couple of weeks. Nobody in the Rutgers community cares enough to look into the case. The organization has been harassing students indiscriminately since their referendum polling started a month ago. “He was a great worker. I remember hearing about a time last week a girl told him she was too busy to vote, and he chased her down, then yelled threats and obscenities at her until she started to cry. She voted,” explained NJPIRG manager Lester Markowitz. They are generally positioned in the most inconvenient possible locations, such as in front of bus stops, the middle of sidewalks, and in front of bathrooms. This forces
students to either engage with them or take lengthy alternate paths. Student reaction to Phillips’s death was generally positive. “I’m tired of having to deal with these assholes. No, I haven’t voted. I would rather make out with my dog than give them a moment of my attention. I’m glad he’s dead,” said junior Alex Moreen. Others believe that Phillips’s death is a turning point in the fight against the organization. “I was attacked by one of them in 2013, last time they had their referendum. This should send a message to them that we won’t tolerate their violence and harassment. We don’t need to be scared anymore,” said senior Isabella Sluke. There will not be any funeral service for Phillips in the coming weeks.
DISAPPOINTMENT
staring at her pasta and taking small, unenthusiastic sips from out and tried Dr. Pepper, and her glass of water. again: just brown fizzy water.” “I just hope the soda tastes Hernandez, on the verge of like it should tomorrow. I can’t sobbing, just filled up her glass deal with this again,” she said. with water and went back to her Hernandez reportedly went seat. For the remainder of her on to fail her Thermodynamics dinner, she sat despondently midterm this morning. Continued from Front Page
NewsEdtors James Mullen III Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Dan Um Personals Editor Connor McCarthy Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Darcy Ritt
Sports Editor Michael Okolo Copy Editor Jonathan Holzsager Kevin McClintock Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Anthony Weiner
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This week's issue is dedicated to our staff, for surviving another week in a small room.
FEATURES
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2016 themedium.features@gmail.com
the Medium
“You’re only a puppet until you graduate and become a Muppet.”
BUT DEAR GOD USE LUBE FIRST
THINGS YOU CAN SHOVE UP YOUR ANUS
XXX-WORDS If you’re not too hungover from your Halloween shananigans (doubtful), do this crossword and tune in next week for the answers!
BY US 1. My baby brother 2. Cucumbers (*make sure they have that gross wax coating*) 3. Four Beatles albums (*vinyls*) 4. My girlfriend’s hair while she sleeps (SORRY JENNA) 5. The Targum 6. Barchi’s bald head 7. A hollow tube of bumblebees 8. Dan 9. The Rutgers’ football team’s hopes and dreams 10. A glowstick 11. Mexican chile candies 12. Donald Trump’s hands 13. Ken Bone’s sweater (**must be rolled into a ball**) 14. Corona (a la butt chug) 15. A handful of legos 16. The Rutgers Housing Dept. (so that they can fuck you in the ass one last time!)
FINDERS KEEPERS
ALAS, NEW SPECIES! BY SAWYER
Last month, paleontologists on site in Namibia discovered the existence of a fuzzy, fanged lamb-like mammal that lived just after the prehistorical events of Ice Age: Collision Course. Indeed, the animal, dubbed Ovis fatalis, lived around the time when the Geotopian asteroid deviated from its trajectory to hit Earth and when Scrat destroyed all Martian life. Although the scientific community gave little buzz to the unearthing of the fossils, Ray Romano is currently in talks with Blue Sky productions over his inclusion of a straight-to-streaming movie with the saber-toothed sheep.
DID YOU RUN OUT OF LOTION FOR YOUR HANDS IN THIS COLD-ASS WEATHER BECAUSE YOU MASTURBATED 85 TIMES THIS WEEK?
US TOO! COME JOIN US 7:45 P.M. WEDNESDAYS, RSC 411B
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2016
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“Happy Birthday! I don’t care if it’s not your birthday.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What did you do for Halloweekend?
“Someone borrowed my shoes for a costume. ” Jack Silverman Was stuck inside with no shoes.
“I stayed in and played Overwatch.” Huey Lee Also had chicken rot in the fridge.
“I puked on someone’s shoes I borrowed.” Michael Mozarel Don’t tell Jack.
“I got drunk and someone ripped off my doorknob.” Allison Gremlin Hates men.
CULINARY REVIEW
Vegan food really is not that bad! BY THE GUY DATING A VEGAN
Vegan food really isn’t too bad these days. When I was younger, I felt like it wasn’t too good but now it’s really great! Well, “really great” might be an overstatement but it’s definitely halfway decent. Ever since I started dating my girlfriend, Jen, we’ve been eating a lot of vegan food. Every single day we come together and make a delicious vegan meal together…. then we make love together, it’s really amazing, together we are one. I love Jen, she’s the love of my life and I’ll never meet a girl like her again….I mean, veganism is a small price to pay for love…right? I’m sure we will be together ‘til death do us part… and even if our relationship doesn’t last forever, how can I support the inhumane killing and torturing of animals? I mean Jen changed my world. She was my first and last love and she has taught me more than anyone else ever has. She’s amazing, and yeah she left me but it’s ok. I’ll be ok. I don’t want anyone but her and that’s it. I don’t need Jen. I just—she was the love of my life, man. And veganism is good and all… I didn’t just become vegan to impress Jen…Animal mistreatment is horrible…Have you read that article? Jen please come back to me. You are all I have, I need you baby.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Gender isn’t Binary. It’s a Spectrum!
BY SAM JOHNSON It’s 2016 and apparently you don’t know it because you think I’m a girl. First of all, I am a woman. You and your conservative patriarchal views can go sit on a pepper grinder because gender is a spectrum. It’s not some binary “male/female”, “yes/ no” bullshit. There are “maybes” out there, too and the world is finally discovering it. I know someone with gender dysphoria and she finally took action on not being a “he” anymore. Not just is that the bravest thing ever, but it’s why I’m telling you this. Can you imagine grabbing yourself between the legs and feeling nothing but emotional dissonance from your sex organ? Of course you can’t, you cowardly cisgender pig! Someday, you’ll look back and think to yourself, “How could I have been so wrong until that wise and beautiful woman told me how wrong I was?” Because by then, everyone will understand that gender is a spectrum, like color. Speaking of which, the way you think is like some racist bigot back during the Byrd lynching, before the Civil Rights Movement gave black people equal treatment. Welcome to the new millennium, asshat. Now go look at yourself in the mirror and feel ashamed for your prejudiced, backward thinking!
I DIDN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING! BY BRADY THE FRESHMAN
I was waiting for the bus with my headphones in when you started talking to me about genitals. Thanks for telling me how wrong I am for not minding my own business. You’re totally right and I shouldn’t be thinking about other people’s private parts. But that’s exactly what you’re forcing me to think about. As for the question you raise, I’ve never paid mind to the possibility that gender has a new definition but it seems complicated. When a typical child is born with either a penis or a vagina, how expansive is that gamut? Sure, some men are more genteel than others. It’s the same with women. Do we need seventy-six labels for them all or can we just treat folks as individuals, regardless of which of the two categories they may fall into? As enlightening as this conversation has been, I never wanted it, stranger. You’ve shown some great social awareness but little tact. I have no doubt in my mind that you are definitely somewhere on “the spectrum”. The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Send your hate mail to not me. We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com And if you see us on Tinder? Super like us or swipe right. You see this grey box? I had a weird amount of space so I made this a bit bigger this week but it lets me just talk to you. So let’s talk. Tell me about your father. What does he do? Do you harbor any resentment towards him? Anyway, I’m getting to the end of this box, so happy November. It’s a great month. I love you for reading all this.
ARTS
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2016
themedium.arts@gmail.com
“How can I kill my roommate and get away with it?”
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“THE SHIP THAT HAD SAILED” BY SAWYER
“CHAD KROGER SPOKE TO ME IN MY DREAMS” BY DANKUM
“SODA ENEMA” BY DANKUM
“WHY DOESN’T HE WASH HIS HANDS?” BY DANKKKUM
JOIN THE MEDIUM! PLEASE. IT GIVES ME LESS WORK.
FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS: MONDAYS 8PM (LIVI STUDENT CENTER 117D) WEDNESDAYS 7:45PM (COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 411B)
PERSONALS
the Medium
Sounds like you need to kick him out and disinfect your house. Shit has bacterias that has no business being in your house. My roommate was taking a shit once and it sounded like he was crying. Shitting generally isn’t quite that painful. Are you sure he’s not crying because he’s alone with his thoughts? Or maybe it’s a kidney stone! So many possibilities. I love having a single room! I don’t have to deal with inevitable deranged roommates! It’s the good life, isn’t it?
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“.Nothing is more terrifying than dating.”
Roommates and Idiots My roommate doesn’t wash his hands after shitting.
Wednesday, November 2th, 2016
Everyone’s Fucking
Someone tore off the doorknob on my house this weekend.
How many people have actually hooked up with their professor and or TA?
Why? I seriously cannot think of any reason why you would want to tear off some random doorknob?
Probably not that many. Assuming Professors and TAs aren’t any more or less promiscuous than average people, the fact that their are many more students makes hooking up with TAs and professors relatively rare.
What’s the point of the Xbox One? It’s essentially an inferior Playstation 4 that was 100 dollars more expensive at launch. People are stupid. That’s literally all there is too it. What’s the point of old people? You can’t breed anymore. Babies can’t breed either. Are you claiming babies are worthless. The hell’s wrong with you?
This is a crossword puzzle. The answers will be revealed in next weeks issue.
I’m totally not just saying that because I never got to hook up with my hot genetics TA. I saw an ad for a sexy Ken Bone costume and I literally want to kill everyone. Are you new to Halloween? Literally all costumes are sexy nowadays. And why oppose the eye candy? So I achieved my ultimate college goal this weekend! I got to have sex with 3 guys at once on the front lawn of my house. I bet I cause quite a few car accidents but I didn’t notice because of the orgasms. :) Let me explain something to you. Over my long college career, I’ve befriended multiple sorority girls, A Tilted Kilt waitress, and an aspiring pornstar, along with a couple of stereotypical college womanizers. Not to mention many less exciting, yet still sexually open people I know. All of which have confided to me details of their personal life. Your personal is STILL the sluttiest thing anyone has ever told me about. Congratulations. As difficult as this might be to believe, that’s not sarcasm. College is a time for promiscuity, and sex in general is good. You’re doing college right.
Come to our meetings and you’ll finally be able to comprehend just why the paper always looks like it was done in one night. Wednesdays at 7:45pm in the Rutgers Student Center, Room 411B!
It’s a little late, but for next year. Is there a limit to the socially acceptable amount of crotch bulge you can show off in your halloween costume? Showing off a lot is douchey and creepy to the point where it’s gross instead of sexy. Showing off a little, on the other hand, is sexy. So show off a little. It’s the one day nobody can judge you.
Important Message
Halloween has come and gone. However, this does NOT mean it is ok to spam Christmas stuff on all your social media profiles and shit. Christmas season isn’t for another goddamn month. If you post Christmas stuff, I’m going to assume that it’s your way of dealing with the fact that your IQ is in the single digits due to your mom’s failed abortion attempt. Halloween
Bigotry
My BF’s Halloween costume was sluttier than mine.
I fucking hate asians.
Well who’s saying that only girls can show off. We’re hot too dammit!
I can’t remember Neopets password!
The house down the street was giving out Easter candy, should I be concerned? No. Easter candy doesn’t go bad as quickly as halloween candy. I mean, my parents gave me leftover Halloween candy on Easter and I’ve only been hospitilized for internal brain bleeding twice this year! I was at Burger King at like 5pm on Halloween and wave after wave of small children came barging in to trick or treating. There are two things wrong with that. One: you trick or treat at houses and apartment buildings, not stores and restaurants. Who the fuck has fond memories of trick or treating at a gas station or Gamestop? Two: Trick or Treating is done during the night, or evening at the earliest for small children who don’t stay up late. It’s part of the atmosphere of the holiday. Trick or treating in broad daylight is pathetic and a disgrace to the holiday. They all need to go fuck themselves. Finally someone who understands that the sacred traditions of our holidays should not be pissed on by these morons, ruining the original point for conveinience. Absolutely shameful.
Well, you’re an asshole. my
Neopets died like ten years ago. I can’t remember anything about 2006 personally. Why should midgets have their votes count as one whole person? There’s no point in discriminating there, considering votes don’t matter anyway. I just woke up from a nap and I literally want to kill everyone. That’s a little excessive, isn’t it? Sometimes I like to run around on all fours naked and pretend I’m an octopus. Not only does the octopus not crawl, and isn’t a quadr, but it’s not even a land animal. God, how many drugs did you do before deciding that this plan of yours made sense? My favorite STD is AIDS. What’s yours? Syphilis is my favorite, of course! It’s cureable, so it’s not as devastating as some of the others.
I ALREADY HAVE A GRANDMA, JILL
JILL STEIN TRYING DESPERATELY TO FILL GRANDPARENT ROLE
BY JIMBO FRUGALOOP CURRENTLY GLUED TO CHAIR WASHINGTON D.C.-- After Clinton’s decisive win of the democratic ticket in June, the American people, regardless of political inclination, have had a disheveled old man-sized hole in their heart, one that Jill Stein is attempting to fill. At only a staggering 1% approval rating in the most recent polls for the general election, Stein is coming to terms with the fact that even though she is the smartest person in consideration, it’s possible that she may not win. With this thought drilling into the Harvard sized brain of Stein, she has slowly begun to fill the role of crazy old grandparent, hoping to swing the votes of the elderly and the dependent eighteen year-old grandchildren. Her platform, rather than focusing on the environmental policies that her party is associated with, now revolves around the old wives’ tales that we hear from our grandparents who are just a little racist enough to still be endearing; ideas such as WiFi causing harmful radiation and vaccines causing autism. Being cautious to avoid controversy, she has avoided taking a hard stance on any of these ideas, using words and phrases such as “probably” and “I dunno” that really convince people that she is the candidate that will get things done. Our inside sources also have reason to believe that Stein will stop combing her hair and begin to wear oversized suits to really nail that “wise sage” look that’s all the rage these days. We have also heard reports of cats coming and going from inside her house, with a new sighting each week. However, we can’t be sure if these are Stein’s or if she has simply stopped taking her new medication and has forgotten to close her doors. Overall, Stein has a growing fanbase that is sick of the stupidity of her three frontrunners, and as long as she avoids opening any Q&A forums on some of the more intellectual communities on the Internet, she should see a huge spike in her ratings.
WHERE IS MARTIN O’MALLEY RIGHT NOW?
This is Martin O’Malley RIGHT NOW. As in, Wednesday, Nov. 2nd. He is currently sitting in a Baltimore town hall meeting, listening to a 50 year-0
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CHANCELLOR EDWARDS GETS HIT IN THE FACE WITH BASEBALL BY LACY GLITCH WORKS AT ZIMMERMEME
CHICAGO— For those of you who don’t know, Richard Edwards is the chancellor here at Rutgers University New Brunswick and he is a huge Chicago Cubs fan. He had travelled to Chicago over this halloween weekend with his family to get away from the losses Rutgers has produced on the football field to watch a team that “has a chance of winning”. Even if you have been living under a rock, you would still know that recently Rutgers has been having trouble producing numbers on the football field leading to many losses this season. It appears that Chancellor Edwards want to get the bad taste out losses out of his mouth and attend a game where the team usually sucks, but is actually doing pretty
RU SCREW Chancellor Edwards, right before the accident
well this year; something we can only imagine as Rutgers students. Edwards makes it to Wrigley Field and is seeming to enjoy the time spent there with his family. However, as any student knows, you can never escape the RU screw. It was at this time in the second
inning where Jose Ramirez scored the home run. While being upset that the Indians scored and losing hope that the underdog finally gets to win, the ball comes soaring and hits Chancellor Edwards in the face. We asked Chancellor Edwards what it was like getting hit in
the face with a baseball in a professional game and he had this to say. “It was kind of like walking into brower at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon only to find out that they are still only serving breakfast. You understand that there’s not much you can do about it, but it’s still pretty shitty anyway.” After the embarrassment of being hit in the face in front of everyone, Edwards made his way to the concession stand to replace the snacks lost in the accident. It was to his dismay that they had run out of curly fries so he had to settle for the less tasty, french fry. Chancellor Edwards can’t seem to catch a break but luckily for him, no one knows how to handle national embarrassment better than a Scarlet Knight.
*NATIVE AMERICANS*
CLEVELAND INDIANS KICKED OUT OF RUTGERS FOR NOT HAVING A RESERVATION
BY TONTO GOLDBERG PUN ENTHUSIAST
CLEVELAND— After defeating the Chicago Cubs 6 -0 in the opening game of the 2016 World Series, the Cleveland Indians decided to go to the Red Steakhouse, a well-known restaurant in the Cleveland area, to celebrate the team’s first World Series win in 19 years. After arriving at the restaurant they were informed by the staff that they couldn’t be seated because they didn’t have a reservation. The hostess gave this statement to the medium. “The whole team walked into the restaurant and everyone was cheering and clapping, but I had no clue how we were going to seat all of these people, after all, the place was packed!” We had no choice but to ask them to leave. An anonymous source at
NOT ON MY WATCH CEO protects his right to take other people's things
the Red Steakhouse reported that the Indians did in fact have a reservation, but their table was given away to an oil company who was conducting a dinner meeting
with a potential client. A company spokesman made this statement yesterday. “We are very sorry that we took the Indian’s reservation. The table they reserved was in a prime
BEARS SInce 1970
location of the restaurant. It was a table that we needed to take advantage of because it had a direct pipeline from the kitchen to our table and we could get a lot more food to the table quicker.” The CEO of the company told reporters that “the deal that he made during that meeting could create 8000 to 12,000 local jobs, so taking the reservation was better in the long run.” The Manager of the Indians, Terry Francona had this to say, “our reservations have been being taken from us for years. I don’t care how many jobs that deal created, enough is enough!” It is clear that someone needs to check this CEO's priveledge, clearly he doesn't know how 'dibs' work.