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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue XII
50¢
December 7th, 2011
Dear Readers, This week, the entire Medium editorial staff traveled to sunny Tampa, Florida for the Reviving Education Through Applications of Rhetoric, Diction and Satire convention. While we didn't want to leave you guys high and dry in this last full week of the semester, we couldn't make the paper while attending the convention. So, we had our Business Manager, Joey Threlfall, stay behind and make the issue all by himself. We thought it would be a great opportunity for him to give writing a try. We didn't get a chance to review this before shipping it out to the printer, but we think Joey is good enough to create some smart, high quality comedy. Enjoy! The Medium Editorial Board
GUN SHOW
BUSINESS MANAGER'S BICEPS 'TOTALLY EXPLODING' AT THE GYM BY J.T. BLOOD'N'GUTS BUSINESS MANAGER
Easton ave gym— Reports from eyewitness accounts say that at approximately 4:30 yesterday afternoon, Joey Threlfall’s biceps reached their ultra mega extreme Vo2 max and exploded while in the College Ave gym. The explosion, called “a religious experience” by some, resulted in about $50,000 worth of property damage while the drag forces it generated blew off the clothes of several gym patrons, particularly the women. No casualties were reported, but bystanders, who are now being referred to as “The Chosen Ones,” have been left in a mix of overwhelming emotional conditions. Sophomore Josh Rinehart was still in tears while being
GRAY BAR
GEORGE ST—In an act of heroism on par with Superman, Batman and Santa Claus, Medium Business Manager Joey Threlfall saved countless lives after stopping a careening Rutgers bus whose brakes failed en route to the Rutgers Student Center. "I don't know what happened," said Erik Mansouri, the driver of the EE route bus. "The brakes failed and I thought we would crash. I bailed out of my seat and tried to brace myself, but then all of a sudden, we just slowed down. I looked out the window and there was this very handsome man holding the bus in place!" "It was nothing," said Threlfall. "I was only doing what any good-looking muscular guy
'Hot chick better be serving at dining hall,' says Joey BY SUM DUM JOEY BUSINESS MANAGER
BUSCH—With Wednesday coming around again, local handsome man Joey Threlfall is setting his sights on the best place in the entire university. “I’m looking to head straight to the crepe station, where the hot blond chick always works,” said Threlfall, a senior. “I don’t care how long I have to wait. I’m getting a strawberry crepe with all the fixings!” The server in question, Ashley Warren, an SAS sophomore, interviewed several hours after his bitch tits. “Do you under- is currently unaware of her hot stand? I’m only 20 years old! chick status. the incident. “I just can’t put myself to- There’s so much meaningless Despite this, co-workers gether,” said Rinehart, who said life left ahead of me now that and superiors from the dining he was at the gym to shape up Continued on Page 2 hall agree that her attractiveness is well above standard. “I think it’s a combination of a number of factors,” said Tim Andrews, student manager of Busch Dining Hall. “First, the red shirt we gave her was a size too small and so nothing is left to the imagination, if you know what I mean. Also, the attractiveness of the other employees is ridiculously inverse to her relative attractiveness, with all the timid international students and plump engineers, it’s nice to have something to look at when I’m restocking ketchup bottles.” But, according to Threlfall, one major factor keeps him coming back to the dining hall on crepe night. “It’s a chick in a tight shirt plopping loads of whipped cream onto people’s plates. If any of it splashes onto her, I have to eat my dinner with my coat over my lap.” Sources close to Joey note would do in that situation. I of innocent people with their mean, doesn't everyone have the bare hands by themselves? They that his girlfriend may make a suprise appearance at Busch, ability to stop a two-ton bus full don't? Well, aren't I special!" voiding any plans for crepes.
Threlfall stops bus with bare hands BY Dan "Jo-Man" Chog jr. business manager
FOOD
Word to ya mother! ESTABLISHED 1990
the Medium
News
“Biting somebody's cheekbone totally isn't gay.”
Wednesday, Threcember 7th, 2011
GRAY BAR
Heroic man investigates corruption at Targum
Rebel with a cause
This brave student stands up to the powers that be.
business manager. After crunching numbers, it is NEW BRUNSWICK—After re- found The Targum has an acacent news of corruption at The demic year revenue of over $7.5 Daily Targum, rival publica- million dollars from its advertistion’s business manager Joey ing. Factoring in a $100,000 proThrelfall investigates the issue duction cost of raw materials for by the popular method of “Oc- the inferior ink and paper, leaves a $7.4 million dollar profit to be cupying.” The Daily Targum, the official split between head executives. newspaper of Rutgers Univer- While these Targum fat cats are sity, is not a student funded or- getting richer, other Rutgers meganization like The Medium. dia publications are starving for This means only one thing – The a mere budget increase year to Daily Targum is an evil corpora- year. “The Occupy Targum” movetion. Rutgers University Student As- ment, at 26 Mine Street, is cursociation, also known as RUSA, rently in full effect, working day deals out over one million dol- and night to enlighten the Rutlars every year to legitimate stu- gers population and put the capdent organizations. The Targum italist fraud of the one-percent seems to be a separate, immune to an end. Most of the following included entity. “Why is the Targum exempt the hipsters of College Avenue from RUSA’s stranglehold of and the feminists of Douglass. control? Are RUSA officials on A member of the movement, the Targum’s payroll? Does any- Troy Hansen, said, “I urge you one keep track of where they to hop on the bandwagon withget their funds or how they are out really understanding why. spent?” asks The Medium’s By CAPTAIN THRELFALL business manager
Edi-'JOEY'-al Staff Fall 2011
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Joey Threlfall Joey Threlfall Joey Threlfall Joey Threlfall
"Ain't nothin' but a peanut"
BICEPS
...continued from front
I’ve seen the greatest thing I could ever possibly see.” As investigators scrambled to piece together the incident, Joey’s lifting partner, senior Brandon Holt, explained that the precise moment of the explosion occurred while Joey was performing a flat bench press with a load of 475 lbs. According to Holt, Joey has been known to have sudden bursts of energy as he begins to fatigue. The biceps exploded in unison, apparently showering the entire weight room with his shredded muscles. Eyewitness accounts, however, described it as anything but messy. Junior Leslie Carter was one of many who considered the event a miracle. “It fell
"Yeahhhh Buddyyyyyy!"
softly from the sky like sifted gold and smelled like perfectly grilled steak pieces.” Joey’s biceps have since reconstructed themselves, as he put himself on a steady diet of protein shakes and partially smelted crowbars (flavored with honey and steel-cut oats, according to Threlfall) to get them back to their normal shape. Although he says he will try to be careful in future lifting sessions, he said he cannot promise that it won’t happen again. “These guns weren’t made with a safety lock,” said Threlfall, nodding toward his arms, which glistened with a reflective layer of perspiration. “All I know is you better not be around when I try the squat lift. My butt might explode, and who knows what havoc that might wreak...”
DON'T FORGET THE NEEDIEST, AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T FORGET JOEY!
News Editors Joey Threlfall Joey Threlfall Features Editor Joey Threlfall Opinions Editor Joey Threlfall Arts Editor Joey Threlfall Personals Editors Joey Threlfall Joey Threlfall
Back PageEditor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche Resident Joey
Joey Threlfall Joey Threlfall Joey Threlfall Joey Threlfall Joey Threlfall Not Joey Threlfall Joey Threlfall
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its Business Manager. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously, except when Joey says so. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Joey. Because Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey.
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
What’s Shakin’ “ADs ADs AiDs ADs ADs ADs ADs”
Need a chemistry tutor? Joey Threlfall’s your best bet. Available 24-7-365. Call 932-452-9920 and mention The Medium for 50% off!
Maze
the Medium
Joey’s so awesome that his innards are more complicated than the average persons. Here are his intestines serving as a maze. Enter at the top. Exit at bot.
Starting price is $4,000.00 USD/ Hr
Need an economics tutor? Joey Threlfall’s your best bet. Available 24-7-365. Call 932-452-9920 and mention The Medium for 50% off! Starting price is $4,000.00 USD/ Hr
Need a personal trainer? Joey Threlfall’s your best bet. Available 24-7-365. Call 932-452-9920 and mention The Medium for 50% off! Starting price is $4,000.00 USD/ Hr
Need a fuck buddy? Joey Threlfall’s your best bet. Available 24-7-365. Call 932-452-9920 and mention The Medium for 50% off! Starting price is $4,000.00 USD/ Hr
Events Joey’s watching 1. This Friday there’s going to be a party at my house. 80 kegs! yeah, five for guys. no fat chix 2.This Saturday there’s going to be a party at my house. 80 kegs! yeah, five 4 guys. no fatties 3. This sunday there’s going to be a party at my house. 80 kegs! yeah, five for guys. no fattys
FEATURES
the Medium
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
“On this first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Joey Threlfall in a pear tree.”
THIS GUY
STUDENT OF THE WEEK, MONTH, AND YEAR NAME: Joseph W. Threlfall YEAR: Senior MAJOR: Engineering HOBBIES: Having safe sex, drinking lots of Bacardi, petting bunny rabbits, and plaid shirts. LIFE GOAL: To be absolutely perfect (completed 1/15/1990)
As business manager for The Medium, Joey is probably the most important member of their staff. By using his superior intelligence and vast knowledge in marketing, Joey has been keeping the paper together and bringing in advertisements to increase revenue. To this date, Joey has raised well over $1.6 million for The Medium allowing the organization to purchase brand new laptops, a helicopter, a private militia, and the National Basketball Association.
JOEY’S TO DO 1. Wake Up. 2. Initiate Awesomeness. 3. Laugh at #2; I already woke up awesome 4. Shower and Brush Teeth 5. Breakfast 6. Morning Meditation 7. Class 8. Class 9. Lunch with the boo <3 10. Class 11. Medium Business Shit 12. Afternoon Meditation 13. Gym - Upper Body 14. Happy Hour 15. Gym - Lower Body 16. Dinner 17. Sex 18. Review Sex 19. Review My Overall Awesomeness
CUTE THING
SUBMITTED BY CUTE JOEY CONTRIBUTING SUBMITTER
In addition to being the most successful business manager ever, Joey is also an entrepreneur, having opened a chain restaurant at the age of five. The restaurant, Muscle Maker Grill, quickly became a senation and is still one of the fastest-growing establishments to date. Upon graduation, Joey plans to return to college and get another bachelor’s degree from a different school. So far, he has collected degrees in engineering, pharmacy, and culinary arts from four different colleges.
TECHNOLOGY
An Informal Skype Interview with the Business Manager
Joey Threlfall Joey Threlfall
Medium: Mr. Threlfall, thank M: Your life is pretty incredible, you for taking time out of your Joe...I mean, Mr. Threlfall. busy schedule to do this inter- J: Please, call me Fucking Aweview. some. Joey: That’s fine, I should still M: Ok, Mr. Awesome, what are have time to fulfill my duties at your plans after graduation? JOETRY 2 the soup kitchen afterwards. J: Well, I plan to retire. M: How long have you been M: How can you retire and pay volunteering? back your student loans at once? J: I started volunteering at the J: To be honest, engineering is BY J. KILLER age of three when my parents just a side interest of mine that I STAFF JOET took me to New York City. I felt I needed to study. Economjust remember seeing all the ics came first. I mastered my I think that I shall never homeless people in the subway finances at age 11 and I’ve calsee, and thinking “what can I do to culated I can retire upon graduA man as great as our help?” ation. Joey, M: That’s beautiful, man. What M: I’m not going to lie, you else do you do with your spare should probably write a book. A man whose wholesome time? J: Writing a book wouldn’t be hands are pressed, Against a woman’s giant J: When I’m not in class, with a bad idea but CNBC already my girlfriend, at the shelter, contacted me and asked me to breast. searching for potential business appear as a financial analyst on A man whose masculinity opportunities for The Medium, various programs. or hanging out with one of my M: That’s fantastic news Mr. would stay, 30,000 friends, I’m probably on Awesome! Anything else you’d Even if he came out as Facebook. like to share before our time is gay. M: Wow, man. What’s your up? opinion on the new changes J: At an early age I’ve learned But of course he never Facebook has made? there is a strong correlation bewould, J: Those are actually changes tween success and muscular Because to him vagina is I’ve implented myself. I hacked growth. Work hard, study, and way too good. their network and was able your biceps as well as your brain to design a better system that will expand. Nothing says “cute thing of would compliment my incred- M: That’s some deep stuff. J: It’s my life secret. the week” better than having a ible life. baby kangaroo, also known as a “joey,” being fed by a trained IF YOU’RE HAVIN’ BUSINESS PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD exotic species handler. FOR YOU SON, I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND ADS AIN’T Baby kangaroos were actuONE. HOWEVER, YOU SHOULD STILL SEND ME ally named “joey’s” after The YOUR ADVERTISMENTS BECAUSE WE COULD USE Medium’s Business Manager beALL THE FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE WE CAN GET. cause as a baby he was incredibly cute and would hide next to BUSINESS@RUTGERSMEDIUM.COM his mother when scared.
JOEY
FEATURES
Threlfallday, Jocember 7th, 2011
the Medium
“Let’s talk business (manager).”
BEHIND THE BOOK
INFORMATION PROVIDED BY DR. J MANAGING EDITOR
SPORTS CAREER
THE
TOP Moments of Joey Threlfall’s Football Career BY THE KILLA JOEY FEATURES EDITOR
1. Sacking New England’s QB Tom Brady. 2. Ending New England’s QB Tom Brady’s career. 3. Scooping up New England’s QB Tom Brady’s wife. 4. Replacing Joe Paterno as Penn State’s head coach. 5. Achieving a higher vertical leap than Detroit Lion’s WR Calvin Johnson. 6. Engineering the new Met Life stadium. 7. Dating and dumping every Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. 8. Inventing the field goal. 9. Undefeated in every Madden game on every system. 10. Surpassing the “Tebowing” era with the “Threlfalling” era.
GOING JOE INSHANE X BUSINESS
PRESIDENT’S CHOICE This past september tion to The Medium, but he President Richard Mc- also decided to take this Cormick met The Medium’s photo with him (left). Business Manager, Joey Words cannot deThrelfall at the student scirbe how happy McCorinvolvement fair. mick was to finally meet Not only did Mc- the infamous business manCormick congratulate Mr. ager. Their encounter will Threlfall on his academic forever be remembered by success, muscular tone, the University President. and unbelievable contribu- -Joey’s #1 Fan
THE NEXT DAY...
My job as Business Manager for The Medium is a position I take very seriously. I love heckling organizations for money they owe me (i.e. that stupid sextoy company advertisement we ran last Spring). When someone doesn’t pay, I bring out the big guns. I’ve beaten the shit out of plenty of people that have fallen short of payment. The last piece of ass I kicked to the grass belonged to Rupert Murdoch. Yeah, that’s what happens when you suddenly decide to not run an advertisement for The Medium on your station. But you know, I don’t just give out bloody noses and broken legs...I do make good deals. Last week, with help from MY informant Pearl Diver, I decided to buy Busch Dining Hall. Yeah, that’s right, now I can serve whatever I want and The Medium has a place to eat! This week, we’re having bacon sandwiches with beer. My work as a business manager never seems to end. But I’m really fucking good at it so it’s not like it really matters. Look out, scumbags.
ARTS
the Medium
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
“Let’s go to the Jersey Shore”
Joey’s Scrapbook Joey’s ascent to greatness started in kindergarten (left) where he ended up teaching his teacher how to read. Joey went through many stylistic transitions in his sophomore (right), junior (bottom left), and senior years (bottom center) of high school, where each year he was elected prom king. Everyone expected Joey to plateau after his graduation, having been voted Most Likely to Succeed,Most Attractive, Most Artistic, Best Hair, Hottest Ride, and Biggest Guns.
Joey dominating his Kindergarten class
Joey in Junior year
Joey in Senior year
Joey in Sophomore year
Joey’s first day as a Freshman at Rutgers
Left: Joey delivering the final lethal punch to terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden on May 2, 2011. Bin Laden is honored to be killed by the only American he ever respected.
Right: President Obama recieving a handshake on May 3, 2011, from Joey Threlfall after successfully implimenting his plan to kill Bin Laden. When the Nobel Prize Committee asked Obama what his proudest moment was, Obama cited his meeting of Joey.
ARTS
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
“I don’t like the Jersey Shore”
Joey mask 1. Cut out along the dotted lines 2. Put over your face 3. Look good for the first time
Joey review
Joey’s Eyes
Looking into Joey’s eyes is an experience. Only once did he return my gaze with a quick glance, but it was enough to change the course of my life. Looking at his irises is like peering into a kaliedoscope of shades of rich brown, ranging from chestnut to rich mahogany, then going for a midnight swim in a hot tub of creamy dark chocolate mocha. His pupils are two black holes to infinity, with exponential gravity proportional to the inverse of the square of the distance away you are from him. The closer you are, the more attractive his eyes are. The creamy whites of his eyes are as smooth as glass with no impurities, seeming to be illuminated from within. Tiny glints of reflecting light tenderly bounce off his cornea. His eyes are framed by soft, luscious, long lashes that are the envy of every single person. His eyelids fold ever so delicately over his eyeballs, which deprive the world from the beauty of his eyes for only a split second.
5/5 stars
comic about joey
Joey’s Triceps A lot of people know about how awesome his biceps are, but few know about the perfection of his rock hard triceps. The three origin points on his back, neck, and arms are like the starting points of of a rainbow. As you travel down his muscle fibers that have greater tensile strength than Kevlar, you reach the culmination in the single insertion point on his elbow. This god-given construction allows Joey to extend his arms with great force and with great accuracy.
5/5 stars
Joey’s Jawline Joey’s jawline is like a landscape, a broad, majestic mountain home to mountain goats and mountain lions, overlooking a serene lake with tiny log cabins. Joey’s jaw is lightly accented with some pre-finals stubble, such as a mountain is home to a forest of young saplings.
5/5 stars
the Medium
op/ed
the Medium
“Joey, do you like, want to be engaged?”
THRELFALL VOICES
FEATURED COMMENTARY
What Careers Are You Considering After College?
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
I Have Three Children and Joey is Definitely My Favorite BY MARY JANE THRELFALL
“I’ve been looking into the field of astronauting.”
G o o d parents will always tell you that they don’t have a Joey Threlfall, School of Engineerfavorite child and I used to ing Senior agree with that. I had two young boys and they were both the most perfect little children “If I knew how to be CEO of to me. I couldn’t imagine America, that would be nice.” dividing my love between them. Joe Threlfall, School of Engineering And then I had Joey. The moment the docSenior tors handed him to me when he had been born I knew he was special. He was so adorable “I think I’d fit well as the new and looked up at me with President of Rutgers.” these big eyes and I knew he was my favorite. J. W. Threlfall, School of EngineerThat feeling just being Senior came stronger as Joey grew up. I swear he learned to walk much earlier than ei“I’m gonna give Eli the boot ther of his brothers and he and be the quarterback for the could almost read when he was in preschool. Giants.” Joey was such a welltempered child and got Joseph Threlfall, S of E Senior along so well with all the other kids he knew. He was definitely the most popular one in his “I want to be head engineer school and had the most on America’s next secret friends. weapon.” I was so proud of him when he started getting JTW, School Senior into sports as a child. He
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Yeah Joey, You Are the Man. You’re in Control. BY JOEY THRELFALL
was clearly the best one on every team he joined. He could hit a home run when he was only seven. I really was supportive of my older boys but there was just something about Joey that they didn’t have. I can’t really explain what it is, it’s just something I know when I look at him. He was such a good kid when he was young, still is actually. He’s such a
“He was definitely the most popular one in his school.” pleasure and just so much easier to get along with than his brothers. I’ve been very careful so that Joey’s brothers wouldn’t know that I love Joey just a little bit more. I always try to be just as supportive of their needs and try to make them think that I would never choose one of them as a favorite. It’s not even that I don’t love my other children. They really do mean the world to me. It’s just that Joey has somehow
become the center of that world for me. I was so proud of him when he got into Rutgers. I knew that my little baby had worked hard to be an academic success. I never got to see his transcripts or any of his report cards really but he told me that he had gotten straight A’s once again. What a smart child I have. When his oldest brother went to Rutgers for his MBA I made a lot of jokes that he was just trying to copy Joey. I don’t think he ever realized that I was being kind of serious. The fact is, Joey has always been a leader even though he is the youngest of my children. He’s always been providing a good example for his brothers to live up to. I realize that some parents might criticise me for choosing one child to be my favorite but I think if they had a kid like Joey, they would understand. He’s the kind of son that every mother wishes they could have. I just got lucky that the little boy I raised has grown up into such a special man.
What Am I Doing With My Life? BY JOEY THRELFALL
Yeah, look at you big guy. You are looking good today. Hair is good. Clothes are good. And muscles? Always rocking. Alright, you are gonna go out there and be the best. Ladies are going to be falling over you and your phone will be full of new numbers by the time you get home. You fucking got this. You’re in control. You’re a champion. A tiger. You’re the man. This is gonna be a great day for you, champ. The whole world is gonna be falling at your feet. Life is just an oyster, waiting for you to crack it. God I’m the fucking best. Maybe I can start the day off at the gym and get some weight training done. I can show everyone else there a thing or two about looking their best. They’re all gonna want this body when I walk in. Then I’m gonna have to spend a few hours grooming and getting this look back together. Can’t go out looking anything less than my best. Gotta keep the chicks coming back to me. Alright Joey, today is your day. You’re gonna go out there and be the best you can be. You’re gonna be a winner and everyone is going to love you.
Oh God, who am I kidding? I don’t have anything under control. My life is slowly slipping out of my hands and I can’t do anything to stop it. I’ve been trying to fill the void in my soul with women and booze and the gym and nothing seems to help. I’m just lost, a boat adrift on a sea of self-consciousness and loneliness. I don’t think anyone has ever really understood me. I feel like people only see me for what I have on the outside. I’m a real person underneath everything and no one ever bothers to know that guy. People just want to write me off for whatever conception they have of me in their head and it makes me feel like maybe that guy isn’t worth knowing after all. All the friends I’ve surrounded myself with are just fake. Their lives, and I guess my own, are surrounded by shallowness. I’ve spent so much of my time trying to sculpt myself into what I think is the perfect guy and how has it paid off? No one respects me no matter how much I lift or tan. Why do I bother spending all my time making my outside into something that doesn’t match the real me. I hate myself.
Email Joey at business@rutgersmedium.com. The other emails aren’t important.
Op/ed
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
the Medium
“If only Joey could be all of our boyfriends.”
GIRLFRIEND COMMENTARY
Joey Is the Best Boyfriend To Ever Blow Me Off BY LINDSEY SANTAMARIA
Dating the Business Manager of the Medium, Joey Threlfall, has been a complete joy for me from the start. I mean, what’s not to like about Joey? He’s not only the smartest kid at Rutgers, but the strongest too. He’s a Chemical Engineer with a stellar GPA and a sweet Honda Civic Si. This is the perfect combination for a kick-ass boyfriend who’s really got it all. Date night with Joey is awesome, picking me up at least an hour-and-ahalf late has really stopped bothering me. Oh, and when we go out for sushi, I think it’s so cute that he eats all of my food - working hard in the gym makes for a big appetite! He really is the greatest... The dinner conversation is so invigorating with Joey, we start by discussing his biceps, followed by his pecs. I usually try to compliment Joey every two to three minutes, without cutting him off of course.
He never asks about my day or what’s going on in my life, but I know it’s hard when he has to focus on being so amazing. After we get back from dinner, we usually go back to his apartment and watch home-videos from his childhood. You would think that footage of Joey playing the saxophone for two straight hours would
“Picking me up at least an hour and a half late has really stopped bothering me.”
get boring, but each time is more thrilling than the next. With such a busy schedule, it is difficult for Joey to fit me in, but I understand. That’s why I follow Joey to the gym every morning and cheer him on at his workouts and pat his brow when it accumulates sweat. I know he really appreciates the encouragement.
LETTER FROM THE BUSINESS DESK
I also manage to make it to all of Joey’s engineering classes, taking notes in case he misses anything. Not that Joey really needs the extra help in class, but I just want to make sure. I must admit, it is kind of challenging to keep up with my own schoolwork with so many responsibilities with Joey. After doing Joey’s laundry, cleaning his room, and color-coding the clothes in his closet, I don’t have much time for myself. But let’s face it, what’s better than spending my time on menial tasks for such a flawless guy? Most of my friends think that I put Joey on a pedestal, obsessing over all of his perfect features and dedicating all of my time to him. I guess they don’t see the appeal, but I can honestly say I am content spending my college years with the best thing that has hit Rutgers University since McCormick became president.
Advice From Joey & Joey
Dear Joey and Joey, I find that when I’m being carried around in a pouch by my mother I tend to be thrown around a lot. Even though it’s comfortable in the pouch, I’m always going for a bumpy ride when she brings me somewhere. I don’t want to tell her that it’s tough so I just get totally car sick and don’t bother her. Is there anything I can do to make the rides easier on myself? Sincerely, Bumpy in the Outback
Dear Bumpy, Seriously dude, you need to get your mom to listen to you. She’s not in charge of you. Just because she’s carrying you around in a pouch doesn’t mean she’s like your fucking boss or something. And you need to stop being such a bitch and suck it up. Maybe if you hit the gym once in a while you could bulk up and stop being carried around like a baby. If you were an actual man you could just travel by yourself and wouldn’t need to have some old bitch doing everything for you. Today is your day to grow up and start being a real man. If I was in your situation everyone else would be asking to be carried around in my pouch, you know what I’m saying? That’s real talk right there.
Dear Bumpy, I can definitely relate to you with this problem. Here’s me helping When I was a young Joey, I used to get tossed around so much Joey study for his fiin my mom’s pouch that I almost nal exams. He’s such fell out a few times! a good student. It can become an issue if you don’t address it while you’re still a growing Joey. I understand that Your biggest defense against a bad ride in the studying can be hard pouch is your grip. If you can find the right pieces of fur to hold on to, it can make the trip so much so I usually find the easier. important parts for I once rode from Sydney to Queensland withhim and read them out any problems all because I had a good grip. out loud. Your second biggest tool is fattening up. If you can eat enough Dunkaroos as you’re growing up, then being chubby will not only make you adorDon’t we look so able but give you a better fit in the pouch. cute together? Happy travels!
people want to give us more money. Another thing about operating a multi-million dollar publication, it’s really not all that difficult, well, for a financial genius. I pay our printer in gold bullion that I had our organization invest in back in 2005. I day-trade Rutgers tuition Listen up bitchez, I am the business manager. I am respon- funds on a 40:1 leverage without sible for the fiscal health of the even breaking a sweat. The only thing I break conbest college media publication sistently is the S&P 200-day on Earth. I strike my editors down moving average. Because of this financial with an iron fist if they do not produce a paper that will make wizardry, the Targum’s EIC perEditor’s Note: I cannot look at one more picture of Joey’s goddamn face. Jesus Christ. I just can’t do it anymore.
ADVICE
sonally tried to get me to cross into the dark side of corruption and hatred for Rutgers. I refused. Guiseppe Threlfall cannot be bought. Eventually I will have to train a successor, if you would even be able to call it that. If you are interested in the position of business manager for 2012, send me a resume and cover letter to business@rutgersmedium.com. Your cover letter should outline why you’re unworthy to take on the title of business manager.
Personals
the Medium HOLD ON
COUNTY FAIR
I’M COMIN
To the guy who laughed at my car, yeah I know its a piece of crap, but it was 600 bucks and it reliably gets me from point A to point B. On the other hand I see you need to have the top of the line Audi to compensate for your small penis. Have fun being buried in car payments, Ive got money in the bank and a hot girlfriend so suck it
To the EE bus, either your transmission is going or the driver is trying really hard to turn the bus into a tooth chipper ride at a carnival. Either way my dental insurance isnt paid up yet so get your shit together
To my head, stop fucking throbbing. Im sorry I walked into a pole earlier, but you don't have to keep reminding me all day
(Well put good sir) To my office, why are you so fucking hot all the time? Its like somebody set the thermostat to 90 and forgot where it was
(And when you go outside you complain about it freezing outside. You people are killing me)
To the annoying douche frat guy trying to pick me up, I DON'T WANT TO FUCK YOU, WHY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT? Like I would ever even consider going out with you. Just because mommy and daddy bought you a pre owned BMW doesn't mean you're the shit. If you want to impress me, then magically dissappear you dirtbag (And by no, she means yes, well not really. Or at all) To the people who promised they would submit personals, Im still waiting, and the lack of content on the page at this given time is pretty lame (Yeah damnit. write stuff or bada bing with a pipe)
To Atlantic City, you got my money, my watch, and my gold necklace, but you'll never get my soul. Ill be back this weekend (Sounds like your soul has already been spoken for whether you like it or not. Enjoy the gambling addiction) Egg Nog? You Bastard! (Which brings me to my next point, why the hell does Krauszers not make their own egg nog any more? Christmas is ruined) I’ve been a bad personal
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
“Congrats Drew and Cat!”
(Maybe if you weren’t stupid your head would forgive you. Just sayin)
ON THIS DAY IN JOEY HISTORY
To my housemates, was it really necessary to tip the fridge over and block the kitchen off? Also thanks for snapping the compressor line, now we have nowhere to put the beer you stupid fucking assholes. Whos laughing (Easier said then done) To the girl who came in now? From the guy with literally 1 minute before the mini fridge in his On this day in history... my office closed, like you room Joey and his long-time friend Peter Matano conquered have the right to bitch at (What would you possibly their middle school 8th grade dance. Joey and Peter danced me. You come in at the have to gain from tipping with every female student, teacher, and administrator. The last possible second and over the fridge and break- luminescent blue dress shirt was an immediate hit, only to get all pissed because ing the line off the compres- be bested by Peter’s hair. The transition to high school was our systems have already sor? Seems like a pointless easy after an event like this. endeavor. Enjoy your warm been shut down. Im not beer and spoiled food) going to turn everything To my cunt nosed ginger To my nazi TA in NOP back on just because Smelly shit smells like jew of a roommate...you you are not a professor! you got blackout drunk shit are the biggest piece of So don’t demand us to at a party the night be- (No shit Sherlock) shit that a person could formally address you in fore and forgot you had To the hot bitch at the ask to live with. I regret emails as such. I like to shit to do today. Go fuck grease trucks on friday ever talking to you and call myself Major Mandyourself and come in ear- night, id like to give you not punching you square ingo but it doesn’t mean lier next time if its that a ride youll never forget. between the eyes when I I’m going to force my fucking important first met you. dick in your mouth and (I don’t believe you) (Happens all the time. Thats To the BAMF with tat- make you say it. why it’s always good to take To the motherfucker who toes all over your arms To that asshole with the decided it was a good the early shifts ) in Dvlp of Euro why the lisp in my Classical Asia idea to go the wrong fuck do you bothering class STFU you think you To the hipster fuck in way down bishop street even showing up to class know it all but you don’t my calc class, it is finally on college ave at 50mph, if you’re going to barge in I do so booyah with yo the correct time of year thanks for almost getting 30 minutes with a MILK attitude! to wear a scarf. Youve me killed you asslicking GALLON of water and To the loser who eats been wearing it every douche. I hope you drive leave 30 minutes early?! day since September and alone by himself at Browthe fuck into the raritan now that its finally cold To juice head at the Easton er near the cereal...YOU next time out, you stop wearing it. Ave Gym we already HAVE NO FRIENDS! Would it kill you to just (Maybe while hes in the know you’re a bitch from To the dreamy guy who conform a little bit out of Raritan he can look for Jim- your roided up bitch tits wears black short shorts my Hoffa, I have my suspipracticallity? so you don’t have to al- and an army pt shirt on sions) (Historically hipsters keep ways glare whenever the LX. Are you like in sales balanced, and thrift to the bearded lady on anyone walks by your ex- the army? stores in business. Who else outside the student cen- ercise and weak weight. You’re such a fat man buys scarves and pea coats ter, seriously? I thought in the dead of summer? the carnival was comFAREWELL FOR NOW Doesn’t mean I like it any ing around in the spring. more then you, but maybe Shave that shit Here’s to the last issue of the semester. It’s one day they can clean up (Two for one on the carnival been a hell of a run but it’s time to kick back Cleveland or something) and reflect on the crap thats gone down in the To my family, im plan- themed personals this week. personals over the semester. Actually I really All we are missing is a kid ning to move far far away vomiting on the tilt-a-whirl don’t care that much. Instead I’m just going to after graduation just to and somebody pissed about bullshit and make pointless small talk for a bit for lack of anything else better to do. So, crazy get away from your jack- rigged games) weather we’ve been having right? Come here assery Damn kids and your rock often? This is useless. I’d say submit more (Could be worse. At least music, and your crazy personals, but nobody would see them unyou didn’t tell them exactly hair, and your crazy til January. Don’t let that stop you though, it where you are going) lowrider cars, and your would be awesome to see a full inbox when dead rats, and your crack we get back, but I’m not expecting miracles. You better not put me at cocaine, and your anal exit 145 you bastard sex.... themedium.personals@gmail.com (We didn’t think it was necessary to tell you that the bus drivers work at the carnival over the breaks. Surprisingly it probably pays more) To procrastination- get your lazy ass in gear!
PERSONALS
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
“God dammit Joey, this is MY page, not fucking yours!!!”
BITCHING
MOANING
GRIPING
To the loud and annoying giggly asian bitches behind me in line for takeout at the knight room, no one gives a fuck about how much ice cream you ate or anything else you’re shrieking about. Thanks for standing behind me on line for 20 minutes while I contemplated the urge to roll over and die and THEN deciding to leave because you’re tired of waiting. Holy. Fucking. Shit.
To Rutgers as a whole: I’m gettin real fucking tired of all your bullshit. I’m fucking sick of worthless, mind-numbing classes, I’m fucking sick of taking notes and listening to professors, I’m fucking sick of studying, and I’m fucking sick of fitted caps, sorostitutes, and people STILL bragging about how drunk they got last night. Stop it!!! Just stop existing! I just want winter break to be here so I can watch my damn youtube videos for hours on end and research stuff on the internet that I’m actually interested in. I’m fucking sick of everyone’s ego, I’m fucking sick of girls with whiney voices who think they’re all fancy with their phones and their uggs and their makeup who touch their hair every 3 seconds, and I’m fucking sick of seeing everyone around me waste their lives with schoolwork and/or dramatic bullshit. Atleast I didn’t go to Penn State. P.S. ENOUGH WITH THIS WEATHER BULLSHIT EITHER SNOW OR NOT CUZ I WANNA GO DINING HALL TRAY SLEDDING ALREADY JESUS!!! To everyone wearing those “Obey” hats: no. I will not obey you. Go fuck yourself. (Agreed. What the fuck are they trying to get people to obey? Themselves? If you need a hat that reminds people to obey you, you aren’t worth obeying. Fuck off.)
Dearest Roommate, You’re a nice girl but GET A LIFE! Go places, do something interesting and meet new people! Do something that does not involve tumbling about kpop or jrock! Face it; you may never meet Taemin, Big Bang, Kagrra, etc., but you can definitely meet awesome guys/ bands on campus! So go out and actually live life! All I hear from you is Japanese guy this, Korean guy that, damn it go and meet one! You’re so damn afraid to actually talk to one that I’m starting to think that you’re a weeaboo and that you just have an Asian fetish! Rutgers has so much to offer and stepping out onto College Ave after 6pm isn’t horrible at all, it’s fun and you should try it. -roomie
(Girl, next time that happens man up, turn around and knock that bitch out.)
Dear couple making out outside Busch Campus Center, Usually, I’m not grossed out by PDA. It’s whatever. But the way you two kissed literally looked like the way a mama bird regurgitates worms into her chicks’ mouths. Seriously, that was vile. Have you ever seen what that looks like? Let me paint a picture here: you, female participant, had your head tilted all the way back with your mouth open (baby bird) as you, male associate/mama bird, tried to munch on tonsils/vomit worm goop into a receptive mouth. I don’t have any suggestions, but I just wanted to share my reflections. Bye!
(When people do shit like that my first reaction is always to throw a nice log of shit at them monkey-style. Not only does it totally ruin the moment, it also gives me a nice laugh to go along with it! Try it out!)
DON’T ASK QUESTIONS JUST DO IT!! ONLINE COOKING SHOWING TAKING FOOD TO A KILLING LEVEL W W W. Y O U T U B E . C O M / F O O D T H ATKILLS (I watched the first 30 seconds of that, got bored and shut that shit off. Come on dude, if you going to waste my time like that at least send me something remotely funny.)
To the guy spewing about how great he is at the Dudley Cafe...if ur so great why are why are you a state employee? Go clean up my mess and fuck off Mr. Clean!! (Bitter over your future job much?)
To the loud mouth couple sitting in Brower closest to the cereal: please stop talking about your personal issues at the top of your lungs. You’re ruining my fucking lunch.
(You fail for not giving us any more information on their problems. That’s always the funniest part: eavesdropping on people’s private conversation and then telling me about it!)
VX10 - I miss you, man. Life is horrible. I hope I can come back soon.
(Whatever the fuck that means...) Dear Giants, fuck you all sideways with a screwdriver for throwing away yet another season.
the Medium
FROM THE DESK OF MR. SENIOR PERSONALS EDITOR Holy shit, is it really the end of the semester? Apparently, yes it is. Time for all those papers and projects that we all decided to put off until the last fucking minute and the single most stressful weeks of the semester. Fortunately for most of you, you all happen to be undergrads so your work doesn’t matter nearly as much as mine does...graduate student power! However, if shit goes down over break, do not despair! Tell us about it at TheMedium.Personals@ Gmail.com and we’ll tell the world how much you hate your family and how fucking fat you are after the holidays when we return in the Spring semester. Cheers, and don’t forget us! See you fuckheads in January! ~Satanic Yoda, Senior Personals Editor That’s the impression that I get. What is the impression that YOU get, dickhole sitting next 2 me
To the girl I fucked after the Alpha-Sig party a few weeks ago. Uh, you might want to see a doctor, I have Chlamydia.
To the AEPi brothers I saw walking down Col- (PWNED!) lege Ave on Monday: you to youtube: seriously wtf all smelled like perfume. is up with you changYou sure aren’t doing the ing all your shit up? You stereotype that all frat moved the softcore porn To the guy I met Thurs- boys are gay fudgepack- that took so damn long to day night, WTF why ers any good. find. back to redtube it is, were you even there that (You needed THAT to con- then. night. One, that wasn’t firm the faggy frat boy the- to the medium: why are even your room or your ory? Where the fuck have you all so fail? bed. Two, you pretend- you been?) (Because you don’t send us ed to be a brother at the frat. AND three, you’re in Dear Ari...I told you I was funny shit and I have to put fucking high school...re- gonna bully you back, in stupid shit like this to fill this fucking page up.) ally? Good luck explain- bitch! Take THAT! ing those hickies to your Don’t arrest the occupy To the nasty dirty filthy protesters in DC, arrest bitch that keeps leavgirlfriend. the Jets for playing like (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA- idiots against one of the ing her shit in the toilet HAHAHAHAHAHAHA worst teams in the league WITHOUT USING ANY TOILET PAPER every you hooked up with a high schooler who played himself (Change it to the Giants and morning in Katzenbach: off as a frat boy. YOU fail I’m in agreement. My god what the hell?? Clean up harder than he does for fall- that was a fucking atrocious yo shit!!! game. Not just because the Sincerely directed at the ing for it.) G-Men blew another sea- Indian chick in my theTo the skin head cockson, but because the god atre app. class. Stop volblock, I have no idea damn Packers are 12-0. unteering for everything. what relation you had Seriously, FUCK. THAT. Youre mediocre. Entirely. to this girl but what did SHIT.) you plan to accomplish by telling me to fuck THE SEMESTER IS OVER! ANOTHER VICTORIoff, rushing her outside, OUS FALL FOR THE PERSONALS PAGE! then go back to dancing with this other ugly slut of yours. Call me crazy but odds are she found another random penis. There were a shitload of other girls so I don’t give a rat’s ass but just so you know while you were trying to convince her to leave on her own she was giving me a handski at the same time. (Ugh, don’t you just hate it when some dickhole pulls your bitch for the night away when her hand is in your pants? Can’t say that that’s happened to me, but I can imagine it does. Sucks for you bro, but even more Wait a minute, who the FUCK is that other dude? He‘s not my co-editor! God dammit Joey, fuck off!!! for your adversary.)
Wine & Lifestyle “How can I be cool like Joey?”
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
Word search
Find all ten instances of the name( my name) Joey, and ten instances of Joseph. :)
Drink
FACTS
Joey Facts
1. Joey can beat up a grizzly bear with both arms and legs tied behind his back. 2. Joey once went through a head on collision with an eighteen wheeler going sixty mph. All of Joey’s bones were crushed and his body was crippled.
Food
3. Joey can fly using gases. 4. Joey once won a Neil Patrick Harris look-a--like contest against Neil Patrick Harris. 5. Joey can pick up anything 20 pounds and less using just his Let’s cook Penis, which he has nicknamed Javier Alejandro Leon Pumasius the Third.
A Sloppy Joe
6. Joey consumes 120,000 calories a day to sustain his cycles of heavy lifting, bare-hand bus stopping, bare-hand mountain climbing and other physically strenuous activities. 7. Joey once cut a heart in the sun for a girl. He cut the hole using his left nipple. 8. A snake tried to bite joey on the face once, at that same moment Joey decided to bite the snake’s head off. 9. Joey has won the lottery....... on thirteen separate occasions.
By Super Troopa Joey
Ingredients:
1 Joey Threlfall 3 shots of Tequila 2 Bacardi jello shots 2 shots of Captain Morgan 4 shots of Johnnie Walker Blue label 1 bottle of watermelon Smirnoff 1 glass of Wild Turkey 1 handle of Svedka 3 glasses of Chivas 5 red cups of Frat jungle juice
Recipe:
1. Take the main ingredient for a night out on the town. 2. Give him the ingredients listed above until you get the outcome you desire. 3. Slowly add additional ingredients until Joey is a proper ratio of sloppy to alive.
How to
10. Joey always finds the droids How to do a Ricer Fly-By he IS looking for. BY: Joey “Toretto” Threlfall 11. Joey may or may not be The First things first, you need a Father, The Son, and The Holy ricer. A 2000 Civic Si with a B16 will Ghost. do. Adding an excessive body kit is advantageous. An eight-inch muf12. Joey has received training fler is needed for maximum rice. from Chuck Norris, Mr. Miyagi Approach a vehicle that can , and Martha Stewart. clearly beat you in a straight line race and let them know you want to go by flashing your brights excessively and revving your 1.6 L four-cylinder import past 9000 rpms. Even though the other vehicle does not know of any race that is going on, speed past it and immediately claim victory by putting on your flashers.
Review Restaurant Review of Midori Sushi in Piscataway BY: Joey “Fish” Threlfall Midori sushi immediately caught my eye because of its convienent location next to Wine Chateau on Centennial Ave. Wine Chateau is known for its amazing prices, free scotch tasting, and drunken ping-pong. Upon arrival at Midori I was immediately greeted by five busty Japanese women. They sat me and offered a hot towel to wipe down my biceps. After looking over the menu, I decided to order each of the special rolls. The fish that went into the rolls were genetically engineered to be packed with even more protein than usual. Orange slices were offered at the end. The bill came to -$52.38, I collected my money, and made my way back to campus.