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Volume xlv Issue x
December 5th, 2012
HARD-HITTING NEWS
BLOUSE RUINED IN TRAGIC CHANDELIER ACCIDENT
BY YOUNG BITTINGTON III NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK-- A valuable shawl, dozens of expensive centerpieces and the lives of two children were damaged beyond repair when an antique chandelier came crashing down during the Robert Wood Johnson charity gala Tuesday night. Gala attendees, who described the evening as “smashing”, reportedly watched in horror as the crash caused a glass of red wine to spill, a chair to topple to its side, and the untimely deaths of two orphaned children, who happened to be standing directly beneath the wayward ceiling fixture. “The scene was ghastly,” said charity-goer Miranda Van der Steen. “The chaos caused me to upset my glass of merlot, which soaked me completely and irreparably stained my shawl, which was made out of the fur of an extinct species of bandicoot.” Rutherford Weston, who was also present, described a similarly horrifying scene. “The servants had just laid out a beautiful table full of shrimp
Also, Two Orphans Dead
QUICKIES
Peasant Gets Dirt on Refined Gentleman’s Coattails
A stray ragamuffin reportedly sullied the countenance of a dignified gentleman who was on his way to work last Thursday. "I do say, it's preposterous. Indeed, utter poppycock. Quite so. Very well. Pish posh, carry on, as you were," the gentleman confirmed.
Caviar Shortage Causes Disgruntled Indifference IT'S A HARD KNOCK LIGHT An expensive vase was nearly destroyed during a freak accident involving a chandelier and two dead orphans
cocktail, which is my favorite snack at charity events,” confessed Weston. “The table was almost completely destroyed, there ended up only being enough shrimp for about half of the guests.” The deaths of the two small, helpless orphans, who had been trying to earn a living by passing around trays of food at the event, gravely affected the previously cheerful mood at the event.
“I actually thought it was a little selfish of the orphans to choose that moment to die, personally,” admitted local millionaire Thornton Gold III. “We were there to help raise money for a good cause, and they made the night all about them. At press time, arrangements were being made to give the fallen chandelier a proper sendoff. “It was a very valuable chandelier, and it will be greatly missed in the community,”
ROOK-Y ERROR
Steroid Scandal Leaves Chess Society in Shambles
Billionaire Confesses: "I Still Crave My Father's Acceptance" Trophy Wife to Spend Busy Day Watching Servants Clean Embarrassing Book Club Faux Pas Results As Two Members Show Up With Crumb Cakes Sound Of Aston Martin Engine Revving Gives Lawyer First Erection In Three Years
BY GODIVA'S MAN-BITCH NEWS EDITOR
STOKE-ON-TRENT—Reginald P. Dillwater, reigning lord in the Royal Chess Society, has been temporarily banned from further play for his involvement in the procurement and administration of performance enhancing snuff. Dillwater, along with his compatriots, will be docked sixpence from their salary, and reprimanded whole-heartedly in a seething telegram from society headquarters in downtown Staffordshire.
50¢
STOCK CORNER The Royal Chess Society is the second league of the Empire to be tallywacked by such a lurid scandal. The Imperial Polo Club recently slapped 50 game bans on seven of it's thoroughbred athletes. With Dillwater's public shaming, it is unclear when he
will get back between the black and white squares for his next match. Mandatory tea and snuff inspections will continue as the Empire's most vaunted and titillating sport tries to reclaim its tainted image. Meanwhile, Dillwater will consult his bishop.
From the Debter's Prison ESTABLISHED 1970
the Medium
NEWS
“He's fucking derpy as hell”
Wednesday,December 5th, 2012
INDUBITABLY
TAJ MA-HELL
Hotel Completes Multi-Million Local Rapscallions Get Into Dollar Apocalypse Shelter Kerfuffle, Engage in Fisticuffs BY MIKEL STAFF WRITER
NYC—As the long awaited end of the world approaches this December, the Waldorf-Astroria Hotel in New York City has finished its construction of a fully equipped, five-star accommodations apocalypse shelter. The fortified and luxurious bunker is exclusively available to only the nation’s most prestigious bureaucrats and CEO’s with the reasonable admissions fee of 50 million dollars in the first down payment. The shelter, which includes four gourmet restaurants, a Native American Casino/Six-Flags theme park, and a fully armed and trained militia, totals to approximately 11.3 billion dollars in cost.
“It’s not ideal,” says Reginald Greensworth “but desperate times calls for desperate measures and if my extended family and I must sacrifice comfort for safety, so be it.” Greensworth, the owner of the 3rd largest petroleum farm in North America, is booked to stay in one of the one thousand two-story pent houses that make up the 4000 foot tall complex. “The whole project is utter bullshit if you ask me,” claims Maxwell Kakomathemenos, whom we did not actually ask. “We don’t even get the apartment to ourselves!” Kakomathemenos refers to the three live-in servants who share a 50 square-foot room in each guest apartment.
BY SUM DUM JEWELRY HEAD WRITERW
UPPER WEST SIDE—Malarkey of the foulest kind was reported in the afternoon time this previous Sunday at the entrance to Central Park. James Wallace, the young upswing child of the famous Wallace family engaged in a combative duel with Cornelius Walker, son of a major anthracite tycoon. The calamity began when Wallace, a hooligan with short knickers and unbuttoned vests laid claim to the false accusation that he had engaged in pre-marital coitus with Walker’s
sister, Bedelia. “He said to Walker: ‘Your sister’s lobbygow was so tight, he could barely get it off the cob,’” reported one passerby. “That young roustabout Walker certainly gave Wallace the wind after that.” Constables were summoned post-haste by a passing milkman and quickly placed a kibosh on the hootenanny. Both Walker and Wallace were taken into the paddywagon and incarcerated pending further inquiry by the magistrate.
NEWS IN PICTURES
Westminster Dog Show Ruined By Bad Bitch
IN DA HOODLUM
Gated Community Resident Has Close Call with Hoodlums BY THE ORCINUS ORCA STAFF WRITER
MONROE—Denise Pauleen Brasche-Arlington, 49, resident of Luxemborg Hills Estates, reportedly made a distress call to the Monroe Police Department last night after near-death experience. “I was walking from my car to the porch when I noticed a filthy, old vehicle slowly coasting down my street,” said Brasche-Arlington. According to Brasche-Arlington it was 4:45 PM when the incident occurred. Furthermore, she was unprotected and weakened from a vigorous afternoon of Christmas shopping at Banana Republic. Police arrived on the scene noticing that the vehicle was parked suspiciously six blocks away from Brasche-Arlington’s manor and locked for some unknown reason. “The cops came and stopped the thugs from taking Bernadette and myself hostage,” said the near-victim referencing her
Editorial Staff Fall 2012
pet Yorkie. Police identified the suspicious vehicle as a 2009 Hyundai Elantra, red, and the driver as Dr. Eugene Morris, an AfricanAmerican. Morris, a surgeon, was on his way from work and visiting a relative that lives within Luxemborg Hills. The police are still unsure why he attempted to murder and rape Brasche-Arlington. The police arrested Morris on four separate accounts of inappropriate conduct, trespassing, attempted murder, and attempted rape. Morris is currently in jail with a $50,000 bail. “I don’t even know why this is happening to me,” said a confused Morris. “I was just visiting the in-laws. I never tried to rape or kill anyone.” Police also believe Morris, 58, wasn’t acting alone and had help. Residents of the community are being asked to keep their eye out for any more suspicious vehicles, especially trucks and all cars over three years old.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Kristen Cignavitch Krupa Patel Jordan Gochman
NEWS IN PICTURES
Obama Dives Off Fiscal Cliff
News Editors Brianna Provenzano Stewart Hallman Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Ben Green Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors John Eberhardt
Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisors
Leif Tornberg Ben Ben Ben Ben Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot President Barky
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to laxatives. And condoms. And mouth wash, and toilet paper. Because you never know when the blumpkin mood is going to strike.
FEATURES
Wednesday, December 5th, 2012
“It was tragic when I ran out of cash today, had to have my butler go to the bank.”
EROTICA
Pleasure by Monetary Means
It was a quiet night like any other. However, I decided that I would try some things that I had never done before in an attempt to spice up my life. My unusual extravagance had begun to bore me as my time as a filthily rich man has been long and endless. Tonight I would unlock the vault and see what pleasures would await me. What I could do and what I could experience through the emersion of myself into my vault of cash and coins, an estimated worth of thirty two million. (This is just in my vault of course, my net worth is over 32 billion USD.) When I first entered my vault, after disengaging all the locks and anti theft mechanisms the smell of cash and coin filled my nostrils. I had never been so turned on before. I don’t know why, but seeing all this in front of me immediately gave me the most raging erection I have ever known. At first, I slowly undid my tie and took off my shoes gingerly. I slowly took off my belt but realized I did not want to wait any longer. I struggled to get the rest of my clothes and actually tore my shirt when i was taking it off.
GROSS THING
the Medium
JUDGMENT
by: Lord Marshall Koala
Scoffs and Golfclaps
by Corporal Blumpkin The Medium Scoffs at the Daily Targum for their ridiculous attempt at creating a Medium-like issue. Their continued use of decade old jokes such as McKayla Maroney and Gangnam Style brought nothing but frowns to our faces. The “Poop found on Old Queens steps” gave us particular grief. Not only is it crass, Who wants to hear students ask but also it is unfunny and taste- if there’s a curve? We know we don’t. And we could honestly less. We turn our noses at you. care less about grading their paThe Medium Scoffs at the local pers; just give them to the lowly TA’s. We remove our white satin When I was finally na- homeless men lounging around gloves and give you a golf clap. ked I had Alfred, my butler who on the second level of the stuI called in, scatter money and dent center. Their constant smell A Golf Clap is issued to the coins all over the vault floor. and laziness lowers the décor one college student who picked There was more than enough of a once great and prestigious up the twenty-dollar bill lying for me to stay aloft on. I dove in building. We must capture them on the ground near Au Bon Pain and let the money touch me all and put them somewhere else and waved it front of the one over like it was a woman with where they won’t be a bother to homeless man. These people anyone. Homeless people, we the most ginger touch. need to learn their place in that I started stroking my pe- turn noses at you. their wealth either comes from nis with a one hundred dollar bll their inheritance or from propin my hand. My precum lubri- A Golf Clap has been given erly organizing your assets and cated it so that it slid smoothly, to Board of Trustees. We admire investing in the stock market. its slightly rough paper feel only your ability to sit down during Even better was that with it, you enhanced the exotic expreience. your few meetings and totally bought a bottle of Crown Royale, This wasn’t enough though, I disregard the needs of the stu- the drink of choice amongst us dent body: More buses? Air conneeded more, much more. privileged. I started shoving coins ditioning? Ha! Who needs them into my anus. One at a time, a when you’re the sole-governing A Scoff was deservedly dime, a penny, a nickel, a quar- group of this university? Your thrown at Stan the LX bus drivter, a golden dollar. It all felt so actions add a certain air of su- er. His constant upbeat attitude overwhelmingly orgasmic. But periority and exclusiveness that and reckless driving at high I wanted even more. I took a this University so desperately speeds causes us much concern. whole roll of quarters into my needs. We tip our tailor-made You should be more concerned body and as this worked togeth- fedoras to you. with your own needs, like “have er with my hand, I explosively A Golf Clap has been awarded I taken my fifth bathroom break came. today or fourth? “ and “Oooh I rolled around in the to the professors at Rutgers with look at that red-chested whipmoney that was covered in my tenure. Your apathy and general perwidget! That is a perfect cum. It stuck to me like a love indifference towards the cares of bird to add to my rare birds of that would never let go. I knew the students brings warmth to prey bingo board!” We will we the money loved me as I loved it our stone cold, uncaring hearts. watching you closely, sir. and that it would stay with me til the day I die. I stood up cov- LIFESTYLE 4. Don’t walk around in your ered in bills, a new, revitalized, How to Have an Affair with and happy man. Money truly your Greek-God-Bodied Pool bikini or robe because it shouts my-husband-is-an-old-fartsolves all problems. Boy with-erectile-dysfunction. Do By Supa Krupa Troopa CUTE THING something simple like walking around naked by the pool. Do you feel ennui with your fancy trophy wife life? Are your 5. Ask him to lubricate your body with sunscreen and then attempts to seduce your pool boy tragically failing? Well here offer to return the favor. When he agrees, replace the sunscreen are some tips! with chocolate ganache. 1. Leave your bra in the pool If your husband ever questions filter so when he extracts it, he you, make sure you clarify that knows your cup size. 2. Make sure he wears the most the pool boy is way too chisdegrading uniform in Martha’s eled, oiled and muscular to be straight…and if he doesn’t beVineyard. i.e. elephant trunk thong and offer to help him put lieve you, accuse him of having an affair with the maid and slip it on. some arsenic into his drink… 3. Give him shiny trinkets to distract him just like what your it never hurt anyone without a pre-nup. huband does for you.
the Medium
OP/ED
Wednesday, December 5th, 2012
“No, she isn’t the ‘girl from Gangnam Style’. Fuck, that made me mad.“
CUTBACKS
ENTITLED FUCKS
Sorry Kids, We Can Only Afford One Month What’s your favorite place in France This Year to count your money? BY BENJAMIN WALTON III
Hey kids, can you guys put your iPads away for a sec? I want to have a ‘family meeting.’ No, Becky, you can’t FaceTime into this from your room. This is important. Listen, how do I put this? Um. Daddy’s made some bad investments. Actually, I mean that the jew that runs the hedge fund which Daddy puts all his money in made some bad investments. He kind of wiped away a good chunk of my savings with the choices he made. So, basically, we are going to have to augment our summer vacation by a little bit this year. No, Jenny, we will still be going to France to visit the Chateau like we always do. But, we won’t be there as long. Please don’t cry. Oh, please don’t cry my dears. Its still going to be fun! We will just have to do all the fun stuff in one month! Yes, Becky, you can still go to that caviar tasting we went to last year. Just, this year, go easy on the Ossetra this year. We can only afford to pick up one or to mother-of-pearl spoons when we visit. I’m not trying to punish you girls! Times are tough. We have to make some cutbacks. Like Jenny, this year may not be the best year to take a day trip to Provence. I don’t care if you read all of Peter Mayle’s books. It just isn’t something we can afford! I’m not trying to be the bad guy here. I want all of us to have fun, but we all have to take a small step back. Which is why I am also going to sell the guest yacht. Come on! We don’t even use it! Why are you kicking and screaming on the floor? Its not that bad! Maybe next year we can go to Paris for three months! Wouldn’t that be great!? Daddy will pull an extra hour at work each week and I can pick up a sideline consulting gig at my friend Mark’s firm. We can make a pit stop in Italy, maybe? Will that make you stop crying? Italy? Daddy’s gonna take his little babies to Italy? Okay, okay. We can keep the guest yacht. But no diamonds for the next two months, you understand me? Now, go to bed my dears. Goodnight. God, being a father is hard.
The Toilet
“Counting money takes up all my free time - even when I’m taking a shit. Sometimes, I use extra $100 dollar bills to wipe - they’re so much softer and fuller then singles or fives.” Kyle Hass, CFO
Next to the Radio “When I listen to a Charles Schwab radio show, sometimes I’ll give stacks of money to my baby daughter, so she can pretend to build her portfolio.” Rachel Koffman, Jew
In the Back of my Limo “It usually takes enough time to occupy me for the full travel duration between my many executive meetings.” Ron Karl, Poker Player
Wednesday, December 5th, 2012
ARTS
the Medium
“What’s up with those elf ears?”
WINE PARTY
HERE IS SOME WISDOM I HEARD
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6:30pm-7:30pm at RSC, Rm 439
FANCY CARS FUCKING
PERSONALS
the Medium
Wednesday, December 5th 2012
“I’m gonna need a drink”
QUESTIONS
BITTER BERRY
LAST THURSDAY
EVERYDAY I’M TRUFFLIN’
Why the hell does apple creat applications that have the close button right next to the save button?! Are you trying to fuck with us?
To The Targum: No one has ever called me “Jor.” Jackasses
To the guy in the red tights and santa hat at the rutgers game last thursday; we lost. You can take off the tights now
I’VE TAKEN OVER BOTH PAGES, AND YOU WILL ACCEPT IT AND ENJOY IT! THAT BEING SAID: Go read the rest of the paper you ignorant piece of shit. These people slave away every damn week to bring you guys a whole satire paper and then you little assholes flip right over here to read the garbage that you and your equally retarded friends write. I don’t even want your personals, I’ll write them all myself!!!!
(Yes.) why are bitches on facebook always commenting on photos like 4 yrs after they were taken? (Why don’t you ask them.) Why are there so many Asians in my econ classes? aren?t they all supposed to be in pharmacy, engineering, or taking some hardcore pre-med classes? they be messing up the curve.
(Not ever.) I do not understand why my GPA isn’t higher, ive been cheating on all my tests by putting notes on my calculator, and ive been doing this for many years, maybe its time to dropout and join the army so I can kill some commies.
Hey Livingston Commons, I had cake today and there was coconut somewhere on it. I don’t know how you hid it but then every 4th bite or so I’d get a mouthful of coconut. I suffered through (This is earily similar to the that piece but don’t let it personal about the Indians. happen again. I won’t investigate it cuz I’m a personals whore.) (This is earily similar to the personal about the Indians. why do all the girls coo I won’t investigate it cuz over cute things? I mean I’m a personals whore.) I was raised like a regular guy so all my feelings To the dining halls: is it have been supressed and just me or is everyone bottled up. What does is getting younger and I’m staying the same age? I’m feel like? Does is feel sitting in Brower right now and I feel like an old (It feels right, it feels right.) bitch. Everyone around me is sitting here eating cocoa puffs and drinkFATTIES ing whole milk and I’m crying silently into a cup To the fat girl with the of English breakfast tea. unibrow on the lx who *sigh* I want to go home. kept talking about why she’s a vegan-what is To the motherfucker who vegan? Is that the one gave me laxative as a gift where you don’t eat meat for secret santa. What the like cows chickens etc or hell bro? I’d check your can you not even eat milk food from now you hipbecause it came from a ster piece of shit. You’re cow or leaves because gonna end up worse than they might have come Mr. Mackey at the end of from a farm where a cow that South Park episode. once looked at them out of the corner of his eye? (Ohhhh its baddddd It was hard for me to tell mmmkayy!!!!) the difference while you were explaining it. Also, another thing is that, you Fuck off Targum! You were fat which I don’t get. think you can do what If you eat mostly plants the Medium does every and apples, then how do week? Spare me. Your you have so much extra feeble attepmt to be funof you? Basically nothing ny just made you look you were saying made retarded. I wasn’t even any sense and you also convinced this time. Step sounded like a self satis- up your fucking game fied bitch while you were next time or leave it to talking so I just wanted to the professionals. Duecbring that to your atten- es! Not Impressed! tion, in case you didn’t A bif fuck you to my realize. mouth for not allowing (She wouldn’t have noticed it had if it her in the face with a greasy tofu strip.)
me to whistle! I’m losing bitches because of you!
to the traffic on rt 18 last thursday... we’ve spent so much time together I feel like I know you
To Gary Nova and his two crackpot receivers: themedium.personals@gmail.com I hope you all get stuck selling insurance for the rest of your life. You people singlehandedly cost FUCKIN INDIANS FUCKIN ASIANS us a BCS bowl. FUCK YOU! To that abnormally smart To all of the fucking Indian girl who really Asian guys at Rutgers, Thanks Rutgers for once isn’t supposed to be in have any of you ever again giving us another our level of math and been taught how to hold heart break on a nation- chemistry, fuck you. a door for someone walkal stage. This is why we You’re ruining our grade ing behind you? don’t get nice things. curve. I live off that shit. (The only thing they were (What about that Big Ten (Smart people don’t deserve taught was to get A’s) to go to Rutgers.) invite doe?) To the small group of Fuck the Rutgers bus To that the two fucking chinks that stepped into drivers who were takin loser indian kids living the EE saturday; go back us to the game... where’s above me in Metler Hall, to where you came from. youre Rutgers spirit. please stop playing your You certainly smelt like We’re tryin to win a fuck- gay ass indian music past you weren’t from here quiet hrs. I usually could in game here! live with Jack Johnson To the small group of blasting , but not this shit chinks that stepped into FEMALES the EE saturday; go back To the female staff of the (I can’t even understand to where you came from/ Easton Gym: You are too them. Why can’t everybody You certainly smelt like you weren’t from here attractive to allow me to just speak American?) swipe in. I actually consider turning around ev- When will you Indians FUCKING FUCKS ery day when I come in learn to take a shower? Do I have to post in evbecause I am scared to embarrass myself in front ery fucking issue that LOST: all fucks. last of you with my puny at- you all smell like shit? seen about three years And you’rstating to get ago. student in despertempts at fitness. grimey too. Get out of my ate need of fucks to give (I have that experience ev- University and out of my before finals. if found, life.) please return. eryday.) (Think of it like this bag is To the girl from my freshFUCKING MEXICAN just filled with all my fucks. man year dorm: I’m sorry that I saw a man today To the huge fat shirtless And you’re not getting any of them. I give zero fucks.) and thought it was you. Mexican guy in the laun(She must’ve had a sex dry room who asked me To the blonde who fucked if the heat from the dryer me senseless the other change.) makes cotton shrink, I day. Thanks for holding To the girl who took my looked it up after the fact, our little seesion in your phone and her friend who and, yes, it is a contribut- dorm room. I didn’t want preceded to post a reveal- ing factor. it in my room ing status. You are both REAL AD from out of state so get the fuck out of NJ. One of HEY YOU! YEAH YOU! you needs to go back to DO YOU LIKE GOING ON FACEthe racist bumfuck southern town you come from, BOOK? TWITTER? PORN WEBSITES?! and the other needs to go back to the barren, freezTHEN WE HAVE A JOB FOR YOU! ing wasteland you call MN. Go be racist and go make meth in your own COME BE OUR WEBMASTER WHERE respective dumb states. YOU CAN DO ALL OF THE ABOVE! Suck on that! (What a betch.)
6:30- 7:30PM RSC ROOM 439
Wednesday, December 5th, 2012
PERSONALS
the Medium
“Scratch that I’m gonna need like 5 drinks”
TRUFFLIN’ BITCHES Think you can do a better job than me? Come to our meetings and prove me wrong! Wednesdays 6:30-7:30pm RSC Room 439 No big I’ll just do both pages by myself *Mad Professor laugh* Muahahahahahaha! themedium.personals@gmail.com Task Of The Week = SEND ME MORE FUCKIN PERSONALS DAMNIT!#$%&^%^#
PLAIN OL’ PERSONALS To our alumnus friend: it’s great that you invited us to celebrate your birthday with us, but seriously, calm the fuck down. It’s not a grand gala, it’s a bloody birthday for Chirst’s sake. The only thing that’s a big deal with you is how many dudes you repel by being so goddamned awkward. Good luck finding birthday sex, sweetheart. To the guy hogging the very last bottle of chili garlic hot sauce on Busch: I am going to pour tabasco in your fucking eyes for using the last drop right in front of me. It says put it back on the rack you dick (Unless it’s Frank’s Red Hot Sauce I don’t care.) To my political science major: cool it with the papers, I can’t keep pumping out 10-13 page papers out of my ass, its starting to hurt :(
To the guy who brought in lunch into my class the other day: cut that shit out, it’s not fair that you get to eat a delicious lunch while I have to starve and listen to completely useless information at the same time. To my professor: just because you are youngish and know about memes and curse in class, doesn?t make you cool, you will never be one of us, you can go be friends with that one 30 year old student, he can definitely relate to you. To Ale and Wich: Can you be bigger? Can there be more room so I am not drowning in a sea of beards? (Where the fuck is Ale and Wich?)
PLEASE EXPLAIN
Started drinking at noon Thursday. Sauced on Moonshine. Got chased by cops in the stadium. Rutgers fucking loses. I go to bar n black out. Get caught by cops pissin at the grease trucks. Give cop fake ID. Get ticket for urinating in public. Never ate either of the fat sandwiches. Don’t remember peeing. Didn’t remember peeing when he gave me the ticket. What was it get drunk n act like VarLax day?
OMG CHRISTMAS!! If there’s one thing i hate more than anything else than when radio stations play those stupid compliation christmas song with multiple artists... i might as well just off myself now and listen to Insane Clown Posse
To my dick comparitive politics teacher - learn to use a fucking computer. They’re gonna be around a while...
(You should already be offing yourself since you still listen to the radio.)
To my hot communications teacher, will you give me an A if I sleep with you?
to my whack professor in my law class, the fact that you continually wear ugly sweaters even (None of this personal makes tho its not even christmas any sense, but I’m just that just show much how out much of a personals whore of touch you are with sothat I put in whatever you ciety send to me.) (Lol old people...) Personal Text: “Seeking interested actors for an To the my two douchebag amateur production of neighbors on bartlett who Tightanus. Actors need- decided to decorate their ed for the roles of Peeon car like Rudold the reinDaCockrio, Clit Winslut, deer; you’re now making Snatchy Masturbates, me question more than and Dame Baggy Tits. just your sexuality, I’m Contact Jizz Cumrod for questioning your sanity private auditions.” the skull house on college (You got a number for that?) ave is fucking gay for setting up those christmas to whoever wrote Penis lights. no one is gonna be on every other line where rushing your stupid frat. students sign their atten- I hope one of date rapes dance, ur one funny dude goes awry and you all die and/or chick. (Why’d you put “and/or”?)
UNIVERSITY
(GDI and proud.)
To my superiority com#TWEETS plex: I would deal with you if I wasn’t so busy Sending snapchats to old- I guess now that my being awesome. er babes from high school vyvanse is wearing off that I didn’t even know. and exhaustion is startDon’t front like you don’t ing to set in, now would REAL AD want it. #getatme be a great time to start my midterm. (Who are we do to deny her #TheD ?) #NameALegend my vibrator My Pandora gets my multiple personalities #NoHomo I coo when more than any human cute animal instagrams pop up on my feed. Get ever will at me Two A+’s and F (No homo whatsover bro.) #PrettSolidMonday I’ve discovered the best way to clean your glasses when you’re not home: put them under a hand dryer in the bathroom #NerdTip
I’ve discovered the best way to clean your glasses when you’re not home: put them under a hand dryer in the bathroom #NerdTip
I like yoga; it relaxes me. Its alot like fishing except I still get to kill something #Swanson
I’m playing hockey tonight #SomeoneHasTo #NHL #GetYourShitTogether
Listening to those fanatical preachers outside the student center <<<< #SayLess #Jerkoffs
Leggings, leggings, leggings #DoIHaveOtherClothes #DoINeedOtherClothes #Nah
(Old professors are the worst. They’re so unwise and smell funny.)
(No.) To motherfucking Rutgers University, how long does it take to build one fucking building? I’m tired of the damn buses taking the long way through Livi so I have to walk five fucking miles to get to Beck Hall (You could use the extra walking you fat fuck.) To the fucking bitch who swiped me in but not my friend into lunch. Have fun make 6 bucks an hr while I’m off makin millions
NICE PERSONALS Thanks to the Medium for continuing to make me laugh every week with their witty stories. You’re just like the Onion (We try.) To the beautiful girl in my biology class, your hair is like a beacon in the dark! (Go make out with her already, Jesus.) To Andy Reid, your walrus mustache is very becoming of a leader. I love you and the multitudes of cheesesteaks we would eat together. Marry me Andy Reid (I am the walrus... Goo Goo Gajoob.) Thanks rutgers employee for allowing me to take all the bottles of hot sauce yesterday! Now I can finally spice up my meal for more than week! (Literally put that ish on evvery.single.thing.) Thanks to my friends puppy for falling asleep on my couch yesterday! I never want you to leave!
THE BACK PAGE
“Yay! Secret Santa! Everyone got each other weed and alcohol.”
Date, round two
The Amazing Adventures of Al Gore Even Al Gore knows that classiness is a must
My Roomate Sleeping
BY RANDOM PEOPLE AND THEIR ROOMMATES | TEABAGGED
What’s Shakin’? Tonight at 6:30PM Medium Meeting @ CAC Student Center Room 439 It’s our last meeting, you should really join us December 25 Watching your paretnts get drunk because you are a dissapointment @ Your House Merry Christmas you failure at life! Whatever at Whenever Don’t ask me just go do shit @ Wherever you heart desires Because I’m too lazy to look up what’s happening at Rutgers
“Stay green my friends”
Pastafari
BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN
Monocles I daresay monocles really are a great invention. They allow you to give people the priveledge of being seen by you. You show that they are worthy of your gaze by having your butler go through the very strenuous effort of lifting your beautiful, solid gold monocle to your dashingly handsome face. The peasants know their place because you lift your chin to them and will not even gaze upon them through your hazy vision. This also shows you what to look for when making business propositions. If you get at least three monocles raised out of nine at a board meeting, then you have spiked a decent amount of interest, and may proceed with your proposition. I do not understand why everyone does not own a monocle, even the poor, since they have a starting price of a mere $10,000 for a solid gold, diamond encrusted piece, so why settle for any less? We all know that is a very good price.
Maze Help Mr. Peanut dress up!
All The Time Party in Jon Kijne’s pants @ Frelinghuysen room #233 The last turnout was disappointing, let’s try this again
Useless Review of the Week
Tea bagging your roomate is definetely worthy of this column. Good work sir, I commend you. Your holiday homework is to take pictures of your family members passed out from too much eggnog and send it to me for next semester’s feature, my family sucks.
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Eating Elegance with Mittens BY MITTENS THE CAT
Good evening tabbies and gentlemen. For this installment of Eating Elegance I’ll be reviewing one of Fancy Feast’s new Elegant Medleys. The flavor is Wild Salmon Tuscany with Long Grain Rice and Garden Greens in a savory sauce. I have to say that this may be one of my favorite flavor combinations which will mean a lot to my regular readers who remember my feelings on the Gravy Lover’s line that came out last spring. The fresh salmon has been infused with the bold flavors of Tuscan spices. It is also filled with greens so you can feel good about what goes in your chubby widdle body. And don’t even get me started on the sauce. I could lick that off my whiskers for days. I find the dish is best paired with a bowl of water placed on the floor with some of my own spit in it.
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