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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume xl Issue XII
BILLY MAYS SAYS READ THIS PAPER
BILLY MAYS RELEASES POSTHUMOUS ALBUM
BILLY MAYS HERE! BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—A wash up? Not this guy. Billy Mays’ al-
by a dead artist. The album has been lauded by critics everywhere. “Mays was never the kind of guy to sell out for a few extra bucks,” said Geoff Irving, editor of the New York-based Keep it Classy magazine. “After the success of his debut PitchMan, a lot of people thought he might start whoring out his talents for money, given his costly uphill battle with schizophrenia. But he’s always stayed true to his roots, you know, true to his fans, and his music really shows it.” Mays’ had enjoyed a cult fanbase ever since his first single, “Spray, Wipe, Repeat,” hit the airwaves. Steady album sales quickly transformed the budding country busker into a crazy-huge pop star. He was set to embark on a lengthy European tour to support the new album, but he inconveniently died. The world will never forget the gruesome images of his self-imposed suicide-by-detergent, allegedly precipitated by a stain that Oxyclean could not get out. Irving sees his suicide as mark of fortitude. “Here’s a guy who stood by what he believed in. Here’s a guy who’d rather die than see De-stain your listening surfaces! his ideals shattered.” Irving continued, “That’s the kind of guy bum OxyClean This was certi- whose music I wanna hear. A revolutionary, like fied gold just ten days after re- Bob Dylan. Billy Mays never took no shit; not from lease, setting the record for any corporate America, not from the Man, and definitealbum posthumously released ly not from no fucking can of detergent.”
ISN’T HAIR PRODUCT ILLEGAL IN JERSEY?
GUIDOS RALLY FOR MTV’S JERSEY SHORE BY ZAYIN GADOL STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK—Rutgers is about to throw down. Despite drawing the ire of native Jerseyans everywhere, thousands of self-proclaimed guidos are planning to descend onto the banks
next week in support of MTV’s newest program, “Jersey Shore”. The show aired last week, and it portrayed the small yet prominent lifestyle of the fistpumping, steroid-abusing, douchebagging guidos of Seaside Heights. “Yeah, uh, we want to raise guido
awareness,” said Dominic O’Hara of Elizabeth. “New Jersey has to know who fuckin’ runs shit around here.” O’Hara is looking to add to his personal STD collection at the upcoming rally. “I heard Rutgers has its own brand of cock-rust. The Rutgers’ Rash? That’s hot.”
MAFF MAKES ME LAFF
DRUNKEN BINGE AT HILL CENTER RESULTS IN MATHEMATICAL BREAKTHROUGHS BY SUM DUM JOO STAFF WRITER
BUSCH—The Hill Center for Mathematics has reported that several set theoretic paradoxes previously deemed “unsolvable” have now been conclusively proved. Kevin Sulieman, director of the Hill Center, credits the work to three PhD candidates who “got piss drunk on Friday night and started mashing random numbers into their calculators.” Yiway Puhalia, Sunghyn Molloy, and Rich Kisos are doctoral candidates for the Department of Mathematics where they are interested in the cardinality of transfinite recursive axioms of determinacy. “I recall very little of what happened,” said Kisos, “All I know is that when I woke up and cleaned all the vomit off of my shirt, I realized that a proof of the hypomythi-
50¢
December 9th, 2009
NEWS QUICKIES
Student in Chem 101 Drops a Lot of Acid Ttime seemed to stop for students in Professor Cotter’s General Chemistry class as sophomore Keith Russell dropped extremely potent acid while walking to his seat. Russell’s reaction to its floormelting effect was immediate. “Oh shit man, the colors! Can’t you see? The colors are everywhere!” “You could tell he was freaking out,” said freshman Sophie Moore. “His eyes were just huge.” This wasn’t the first time Russell caused a scene. “Oh yeah, he’s always tripping during class,” continued Moore. She added, “He’s really clumsy.” After yesterday’s particularly bad trip, Russell quickly left the room claiming that he felt sick to his stomach. He was later found in the hallway, questioning his abilities as a chemist, saying, “Dude, I don’t even know who I am anymore!”
Student Re-Browns Nose in Anticipation of Finals Daniel Levy, a freshman in the School of Arts and Sciences, was seen copiously re-browning his nose to offset his chances of failing Expository Writing. “I coated my nose pretty well at the beginning of the semester, but it’s lost its luster and sheen lately,” he explains. “I really don’t want to take any chances with my grade here.”
Asshole Professor Takes Attendance, Like, Every Goddamned Day With a blatant display of douchebaggery, some stupid asshole professor decided to take attendance every day in accordance with university policy. “Apparently, he’d been doing it all semester long,” said SAS junior Dave Stephens. “Fuck,” he added.
Honors Student Gets a “C” on Paper, Apocalypse Now A BEAUTIFULLY WASTED MIND
cal Goldbach Conjecture was written upside down on the wall of my office.” “I must have been doing a keg stand while I was writing it down,” he added Other solved problems include the proof positive of the infamous Urysohn’s Third Lemma. “Once I realized that these guys had definitively offered a viable recursive schema to ontological bijective algorithms, I knew
A portion of the earth-shattering formuli
they were onto something,” continued Sulieman. “They did it all singing a slurred version of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ and taking their pants off to wear them as hats.” In hopes of encouraging further successes, the Hill Center is slated to spend one quarter of its yearly funding on beer and will be re-working the plumbing so for the water fountains to dispense vodka.
A swirling black hole formed out of Brett Hall room 527 yesterday evening as freshman honors student Shanthi Halliday discovered that her research paper on the “Development of the Proletariat in Yugoslavia” for her Honors Microeconomics class had garnered a “C,” a grade commonly associated with adequate performance. The black hole then began enveloping everything around it and eventually destroyed the world and all surrounding planets in the solar system.
This Paper Will Self-Destruct In One Minute ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM
SPORTS
Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
“Hey, it’s that hippie-douche-pigboy from outer space!”
WASTE MORE MONEY, DICKWADS
NEWEST FOOTBALL PROSPECT RED DIAPERED AT GODDARD PREP BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
TALLAHASSEE, FA—Two-year old “Speedy” Stevie Lyle gave a verbal commitment to play for Rutgers in the 2027-2028 season. “This is the most excited we have been for a new player since true freshman Tom Savage agreed to play for the Knights,” stated Head Coach Greg Schiano at a Tuesday press conference. “We feel like ‘the Speedster’ can really give our future offense a big boost. Rutgers recruiting officials had first spotted the 1’ 3” 35-pound child while he was enrolled as a “True Toddler” playing in the Goddard Prep School. Lyle put up amazing numbers by throwing a tantrum an average of 70 yards while only getting three timeouts each half of the day. Based on scouting reports, Lyle is expected to grow to 12’ 8” and weigh approximately 560 pounds making him the third largest player in the future behind 23’ 2” Marcus Dill. Because of the NCAA’s restrictive rules about player eligibility, Stevie will have to be “Red Diapered” for the first seventeen years of his life before he is able to see time. “We have started Lyle out on a strict weight-lifting regimen while
BABY ON BOARD also working him into the offense as much as possible during practice,” said Head Offensive Coordinator Jim Lovett. “When he isn’t with the team, he is watching Barney’s Offense Playbook-Along and Dora the Linebacker to hone his skills.”
Impressed by the success of PreK recruitment, the Rutgers Board of Governors have authorized 340 million dollars for the construction of the Greg Schiano Recruit Donation Bank which will provide a convenient fertilization point for 2057’s future offensive line.
TOASTY JOURNALIST WONDERS WHY FANS LEFT THE STADIUM STAFF WRITER
RUTGERS STADIUM—Steve Politi, a sportswriter for The Star-Ledger, complained from the climate and humidity controlled stadium press box after Rutgers’ loss to West Virginia about
the students inability to tolerate cold weather. “Why are these wusses complaining so much?” inquired Politi from the 72 degree, zero-humidity reporters’ section overlooking the 30 degree snowing conditions of the field. “I demand that the people who left early be
expelled, because it’s their fault RU lost, and not Schiano’s lousy playcalling. Hope you enjoy a trip to crummy St. Petersburg instead of beautiful Charlotte, you pansies.” Politi then excused himself and left to take a Turkish bath and Swedish massage at the back of the box.
CLUBBIN’
Tiger Woods Crashes White House Party with SUV
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Guests at a recent White House gala got a bit of Tiger Woods-branded product placement as Mr. Woods’ vehicle placed itself right into the middle of the action—after having plowed through the southeast corridor window, the kitchen, lavatory, broom closet, alienhostage containment room, and finally the ballroom. The Tiger Wood’s-endorsed Cadillac Escalade crashed into the party just as guests took to the dancefloor. Woods, whose Crest-sponsored teeth
Editorial Staff Fall 2009
F
were unharmed, nonchalantly proceeded to brush debris off his Tiger-Woodsendorsed Nike clothes and check the time on his Tiger Woods TAG Heur sport watch. Mr. Woods was in town to promote Tiger Woods PGA 2010, which has recently been adapted to be played with the Wii driving wheel. It is speculated that the crash may be the result of drinking and driving—more specifically, drinking a bottle of Tiger Woodsendorsed Gatorade Fierce. Secret Service analysts, however, believe he may have intentionally crashed the party. “There are some tell-tale signs that someone’s a party crasher” said
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Ryan Buttacavoli Paul Winters
Lone Rain Cloud Discovered Above Tom Savage’s Head
“Speedy” Stevie shoots his famous death stare at the offense
SHRINKAGE
BY TORGO VAN PELT
EMOTIONS
Secret Service spokesperson John Pound. “For example, if the individual is driving a vehicle careening in reverse toward the snack table at 40 miles an hour. Oh, and when the person’s attire isn’t quite coordinated with the party’s theme.” Woods will be paying for the damage with a Tiger Woods American Express card, which is everywhere you want to be®. Since the accident Woods has been deflecting claims suggesting his vehicular operational capabilities are sub-par. “I’m really not a bad driver” he said. “Especially since I use Titleist Tiger Woods Edition golf clubs.” News Editors Abe Stanway Kaitie Davis Features Editor Keith Lawrence Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen Arts Editor Katie Russian Personals Editor Dave Imbriaco
ANGST FROM ABOVE An embittered storm cloud rains on a one-man parade BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
PISCATAWAY—Freshman Quarterback Tom Savage was surprised to discover that a single, lonely rain cloud left from the loss to West Virginia, has followed him wherever he goes. “We lost a really close game and I thought it was just raining really hard that day,” Savage said in between practice sessions on Monday. “It’s a pain because it follows me indoors and gets water fuckin’ everywhere,” he added. Scientists at the University of Washington’s School of Cloud Research (SCR) have hypothesized that the cloud over Savage is a direct result of pure unmitigated sadness that was generated by the combined depression from everyone rooting for the team’s success. Savage is expected to try and get through his week as though nothing is different. It’s been tough for him so far. “We suspect that [Savage] is coming down with what could be a head cold or Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis,” said team trainer Don Hertz. “Come to think of it, he did cough up something lung-shaped on the field today…uh, I have to go.” Schiano has petitioned the administration for a team meterologist to avoid future problems, and waste more of our precious endowment. Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Staff Photographer Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Carmella Luczak Mike Vuono Erinn Koerner Tim Swanson Barbara Reed Ass-burger
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its authors. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to nude photo shoots in the snow, and what’s left of my balls.
Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
NATION
“Fling dogshit in my face why don’tcha!”
THE FART HEARD ‘ROUND THE WORLD
OBAMA FARTS, AMERICA’S PROBLEMS SOLVED
LOCKED AND LOADED. BY SATANIC YODA NEWS EDITOR
WHITE HOUSE—After breaking racial barriers, the President is now breaking wind with decisive results. In the “fart heard ‘round the world,” our glorious leader solved all of the world’s problems with a significant passing of flatus gas from his great presidential
Barack Obama employs presidential deflation to stop inflation colon. Almost overnight, Obama’s crapwe-can-believe-in has provided universal health care coverage in America, ended world hunger, killed al-Qaeda, wiped the states of Texas and Mississippi off the map and resurrected John Bonham.
BOO-BOO LEGISLATION
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS PROPOSE NATIONAL FIRST-AID KIT paper-cut. It also has an estimated cost of $20, compared to the to $890 billion STAFF WRITER for the Democratic plan. WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Demo- Republican Leaders are hoping crats narrowly passed their complex they can get a vote on the “Bipartisan healthcare plan through the House of Compromise” sometime next month. Representatives, Congressional GOP But there are detractors within the officials quickly announced their newparty. Some moderates, led by Maine est counterproposal for healthcare reSenator Olympia Snowe have offered form: a first aid kit to treat America’s ill an amendment adding a Pepto-Bismol and wounded. In contrast to the Democratic plan bottle to the kit. “Why isn’t anyone carconsisting of mandates, subsidies, reg- ing about the people with tender tumulation and a public option, the Repub- mies?” she argued during last Sunday’s lican plan is straightforward: it consists Meet the Press. Meanwhile on the right, Minneof a metal box containing a bottle of aspirin, a roll of gauze tape, and an ice sota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann took a candid approach to critipack. Already, GOP leaders are touting cism, holding 20 people hostage in a the benefits, including the ability to House office building. Holding a gun treat everybody in America, from the to the head of an innocent lobbyist, West Virginia coal miner with a head- she screamed, “Jesus was killed by buache, to the Iowa farmer with a sprained reaucrats, so why should we trust’em ankle, to the Oregon lumberjack with a now?” BY TORGO VAN PELT
TOOLS
HOME DEPOT UNVEILS “FRATBRO” POWER TOOL BY ABA SABABA
NEWS EDITOR
HOME DEPOT—Do-it-yourselfers, take note. Popular home improvement company The Home Depot has released the first all-in-one power tool, the FratBro. “It’s absolutely groundbreaking,” said CEO Aman Malik. “I know tools, and the FratBro is the most user-friendly of them all! Even a child could manipulate it and push its buttons!” The FratBro can be used anywhere a solid tool is needed. From bashing holes into walls to crushing Keystone cans, the
FratBro does it all. “I love my FratBro!” said one visibly excited Jessie Doyle, an SAS junior. “I use it as a plunger—for my toilet, and my vagina!” It comes with five pre-configured power settings, including Chillin’, Ballin’, Buggin’, Ragin’, and Frontin’. However, users may program infinite custom settings into their FratBro to reflect a wide range of various tool-needing situations. Home Depot confirmed that research and development for an upgraded version called the Varsity FratBro is already in the works.
The massive air bagel registered a 7.4 on the Rechtum Scale. Within two minutes of the initial ass blast, fart waves caused the Taliban to spontaneously combust in a cloud of stinky awesomeness. When asked for comment, General Stanley McCyrstal said, “Shit, this SBD is the newest WMD.” The Republican Party claims that Obama’s gas is bad for America, despite their being a bunch of old farts themselves. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell gave a statement this afternoon, saying, “We simply can’t afford all of this big-governmental colon expansion. Republicans have a better plan that will solve America’s problems without cutting the much-needed cheese.” McConnell, along with the rest of the Republican Party, immediately then fainted after inhaling too much fried-chicken-and-waffle-fueled-gas. Meanwhile, patriotic Americans, are proud of their leader’s one-man salute. Across the nation, citizens are proudly whistling their anal anthem, contributing to global warming. Good thing Obama’s lofty fart created a protective layer around the o-zone.
HE’S ON A BOAT
Fisherman Demands Bailout: Profits, Boat Sinking BY BENDING RODRIGUEZ
MANAGING EDITOR
BERING SEA—The United States’ economic recession has affected many large corporations who had once reported record profits but are now subjected to pay cuts and government control. A previously unharmed industry is now in jeopardy: the commercial fishing industry. Professional Fisherman Larry O’Donnell is one of the victims of facing financial and nautical hardships. “Why are you standing around doing nothing!?” Larry screamed as he was furiously trying to pump water out of the engine room. He added, “For the love of Jesus, HELP! We’re gonna fuckin’ drown if you don’t do anything!” Larry’s empassioned cries against an unresponsive government were to no avail as his lack of money and his boat’s lack of buoyancy sent his small boat, The BlowHo careening beneath the surface. This is not the first documented times that the government has failed to help out a failing business. In 1978, an ineffective Carter administration refused to let charter pilot Ted Richards bailout of his plane and his debt that had been accrued over the years, leading to the deaths of 6 people. Larry’s funeral will be held on Tuesday at the Our Lady of the Impending Magical Miracle Church on Fowler Street.
THE MEDIUM SEXONOMICS
New Stimulus Package to Boost National Libido BY E.C. BLOODN’GUTS
NEWS EDITOR
CAPITOL HILL—The Obama Administration has made official its plan to supply American businessmen with a new stimulus package, in the hope that it will restore confidence in the nation’s overall performance. Policy analysts are finally be heeding the cries from American housewives that businessmen are operating with inferior goods. “We were very concerned when we recieved statistics measuring domestic output from the past year,” said Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis. “The new stimulus package has been equipped with a structural adjustment designed for sustainable growth.” It seems that certain enterprising businessmen are even starting to face barriers to entry. Some educated housewives have suggested that stagnation in domestic activity indicates the early stages of a depression. To prevent this, the stimulus package will be first made available to those who need it most, primarily men with small businesses. “We hope that this stimulus package will improve the overall exchange rate and promote risk-seeking behavior” said Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke believes the new stimulus package will put American businessmen at a competitive advantage over their more well-endowed foreign counterparts, particularly men from Europe. Already, housewife reactions are positive. “This is fantastic!” said Nicole Cantor, a domestic engineer. “I’m finally going to get some hard currency!” To ensure safe deposits, the new stimulus package will be equipped with special consumer protections that promote elasticity.
BUILDING [GAY] PRIDE Our new slogan is unveiled
THE MEDIUM
UNIVERSITY
Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
“This room smells like penis. ”
WINE AND DINING
MAFF MAKES ME LAFF
LOCAL BIDDIE TAKES ADDERALL Grease Trucks Introduce INSTEAD OF BIRTH CONTROL “Fat Salads” for Fatties Has extraordinarily focused sex BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
BUSCH—Embodying the spirit of finals, Lily Dmitrieva popped an Adderall instead of her usual birth control pill last night as she took a quick study break to rail her boyfriend. She’s pregnant now, but it was worth it, she says. “I was totally focused on the sex,” she explained. “Usually my mind starts wandering when I realize how mediocre my boyfriend’s game is, and how he could really use a few more bench reps.” Dmitrieva has sparked a campuswide trend of alternate Adderall lifestyles. “You can use it for all types of things besides studying. I’ve seen people using for reading the personals,
BY TYPEWRITER MONKEY STAFF WRITER
deciding what to wear, even registering for classes!” SAS sophomore Sarah Guarda uses it for enhanced Facebook stalking. “I couldn’t read my live feed updates fast enough,” she says. “Before I tried Adderall, I would always get distracted by other sites like Texts From Last Night or FML. Now, I can focus on getting the most out of my Facebooking.” Another student who wished to remain anonymous insisted he uses Adderall for his debilitating ADD, and would really appreciate if all the bandwagon fans would go home. “These people only start using Adderall during finals season when it gets really popular. I’ve been using it since it was a rookie on the drug market!”
COLLEGE AVE—Got the munchies? Don’t wanna balloon like an obese beluga, with blubber…and a muffin top? You’re in luck, because healthy just got in style. The famous Grease Trucks of Rutgers University are changing introducing new, healthier offerings to “slim these motherfuckers down.” Called “Fat Salads,” they are poised to corner the Rutgers sandwich market. It wasn’t an easy decision to make. Head chef Ahmed al-Ehud touts the health benefits of his offerings. “You’ll lose more weight than a crack addict on Slim-Fast!” he proclaimed. One of the featured Fat Salads is the “Fat Waldorf,” which includes fresh spring greens, cherry tomatoes, hand-picked wild mushrooms, and red onions, lightly drizzled in balsamic lard. “People love lard,” he posited. “I’m don’t plan to abandon my timetested business philosophy - the lardier the sandwich, the better it sells. Why shouldn’t it work for salads?” However, the most popular addition is the “Fat Chick,” a sandwich whose only ingredient is lettuce. It was invented by SAS junior Megan Mc-
CREEPY CLAWLIES
Cue.
“I just really wanted lettuce,” McCue explained. “But I didn’t have the money to buy it myself. I talked the guy into putting it on bread for me and I guess it was popular because the next ten people asked for the same thing.” “Besides,” she continued, “lettuce is great for my exquisite physique. Who needs a sandwich when you got buns?” All of the other new health items are expected to be gluten-free and rich in antioxidants.
TRANSPORTATION
UNIVERSITY RESIDENT LIFE HAS YET TO EXTERMINATE GIANT GRIZZLYDETH BUGS BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
LIVINGSTON—Sophomore Matt Boyer peers out his second story dorm window, thinking the lawn mower sounds he is hearing means the raggedy grass outside Quad One is finally getting cut. He then hears a bloodcurdling scream from the direction of the lavatory and remembers it is only the buzz of the Quads’ newest inhabitants, the seven-foot-high Grizzlydeth bugs. These bathroom-dwelling insects, which were first spotted in Livingston resident halls in late October, have both terrorized and dismembered numerous Quad residents. Students have demanded that these carnivorous bugs be exterminated. Associate Director of Housing Operations, Steve Dubiago, reported that Res Life will be doing no such thing until they further understand the potential ecological consequences. “There is still a lot of research to be done,” he explains. “We don’t want to be jumping to any conclusions.” Grizzlydeth bugs, or Ripoffus Yofaisus, enjoy a diet of feces and human blood, which could eventuate a day where the University no longer has to invest in toilets or menstrual pad receptacles. Natural bathroom waste re-
GORGE YOURSELF WITH LETTUCE! Man Vs. Food host Adam Richman takes on the Fat Salad Challenge
Mason Gross Students Demand Limo Shuttle BY DAN CHOG JR. STAFF WRITER
BIG BROWN THING IN THE BATHROOM A Giant Grizzleydeth bug senses fear and gastric byproducts from sophomore Alyssa Miller.
moval means students will merely crap on the floor and walk away. To that end, freshmen Joe Malfarina says that the bugs are already achieving their purpose. “They’re sensitive to the smell of farts and excrement, so you just try and hold it in. But just looking at one of those things’ll scare the straight shit out of you! And in Livingston, no one
can hear you scream.” The fear of dying alone on a toilet has had many students afraid to use the bathroom. “I haven’t gone for three days!” said a clearly shaken sophomore Jessica Davis. “I’ve been wearing Depends, which was really gross and humiliating at first, but I seriously have to stay [at the dorm] and study.”
DOUGLASS- Is it Ben Affleck? The Jonas Brothers? Or could it be the smelly kid of an unidentifiable gender from Intermediate Algebra with 22 face piercings? A recent ordinance passed by the Rutgers Department of Transportation suggests the latter. Mason Gross students, perturbed from the lack of transportation accessible from the professional school’s downtown location, have demanded throughout the semester that limousines shuttle students around campus. “We are going to be famous one day and should not have to ride around on dirty public buses,” said Christyne Prystupa, acting major. “It is vital to our development as artistes that we be trained to ride in the lap of luxury.” Added Prystupa, “Anything to pad the resume, you know?” “Hey, we don’t really have that much to do with the money handed to us anyway; why not blow it on limos?” said Dennis Carr, dance major and president of the Mason Gross Student Government Association.
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED
Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
/
“On The Phone”
point counterpoint
The Issue is relevant in our society. by Dan “Oman” Chog I have spent many years believing deeply whole-heartedly that this was an important issue. I know, now more than ever, that this issue is as relevant today as it was years ago. When my parents dealt with this issue, they handled it with maturity and dignity, looking at both sides of the argument.
This issue shouldn’t even need to be discussed today!
I was taught to do the same thing and I realized that supporting the issue was not only the most logical conclusion, it was the most fair and balanced decision. While this issue is controversial, I do not doubt that when people look into their hearts, they will see that my view on the issue is the right one.
by Sum Dum Joo This issue was decided upon years ago! Who cares about it today? This issue is as old as the hills and is clearly outdated. The idea that this issue propagates is one that represents an “old line” ideology. I say, we leave the issue as is and don’t touch it any further. Any updates or
changes to the concept of the issue would complicate many aspects of our society. For example, our school system would have to update all of its textbooks just because a few concerned citizens care this much about an issue that hasn’t been relevant in years!
Dear Liberals: Stop Sharing My Viewpoints I am a liberal atheist that believes in animal rights, gay rights, abortion, and the ending of capital (and corporal) punishment. I am an ardent opponent of the teaching of Intelligent Design in our public schools. I also hate pretty much everyone else that shares my viewpoints. You faggots are the most annoying people in the
world, your poseur “fight the man” attitude and the taking of whichever position you think is the most vogue and “progressive”. Taking a stand without understanding the basis of said position, supporting a cause without knowing why it is important is just as bad as not taking a stand. You pretend it’s not the same apathetic shit that half of your peers subscribe
A Letter to
the President
President Obama,
I think its very noble that you are going to die with the rest of the world, but Danica Savonick and Allie Howard are requesting permission to live in outer space with the aliens. Although we are not rich and we can hardly be considered useful we have a romantic attachment to one another that can not be resolved by 2012. We will be the Romeo and Juliet of the new world, however you have the power to redeem their tragic deaths by saving Danica and Allie. Due to the genetic bottleneck you can’t keep Arielle, Anthony and their child therefore you should take me and Allie in order to provide childcare and nursing for the spawn of these 2 star-crossed lovers. Between the two of us we have 4 healthy breasts with which to nurse young Clark Kent. We will also need a capsule to protect Clark because he has a little problem with kryptonite. Thank you, Danica Savonick and Allie Howard PS: Remember when Arielle thought she died? PPS: Please make sure Marie Pace, Michele McCaffrey and Kristin Yu are killed by imploding squirrels.
to, but at least they’re being honest. Voting for Obama because you wanted to vote for the winner is among the most vile things I’ve ever heard in my entire life. DO YOU DO RESEARCH? DO YOU READ THE PAPER? I HATE YOU FAGS SO MUCH. When you randomly link your leftist blogs, and parrot talking points be-
cause you don’t have the brain to come up with your own positions, then you don’t deserve to hold any opinions. You sound just as dense as those demagogues Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and make everything that I stand for look like the half-thought ideas of a bourgeoisies punk that is totally out of touch with how the real world works. Also, listen. Just
because you didn’t have fun in Sunday school doesn’t mean you’re an atheist. If you honestly do not believe a God or gods are plausible, and you actually hold no beliefs in a supernatural higher power, then you are an atheist. If you just want to “stick it to the man”, then you can kill yourself with a well, because we’re better off without you.
Nonsense Language
by Oliver Klozoff
Over the past couple of years I’ve noticed this creative reworking of certain words and phrases we have been using for as long as I’ve been conscious. I don’t know who is to blame, some of you say liberals, some of you say conservatives, frankly I don’t give a fuck, I just want it to stop. I got a memo when I was writing for the daily paper here at Rutgers, that says I can’t say “freshman,” I have to say “first year.” What the hell! Is any noob at this school really worried about what they are being called? Most of em’ are worried about making friends, getting classes they like, and most importantly, getting laid. Other changes to words include visually challenged instead of blind, mentally handicapped instead of retarded, and stewardess became flight
attendant. George Carlin said it best when he said he doesn’t like words that hide the truth. The words in question are direct and true. The only reason some assholes want to change words is because people’s feelings are hurt. There has also been this growing sensitivity towards stereotypes. A few weeks ago Bob Griese, a former Quarterback for the Dolphins, said Juan Montoya, a Nascar douche, was probably eating a taco when promoting a race later that day. An obviously poor attempt at humor. He was suspended. Why? Why didn’t we all just do what we usually do when someone makes a bad joke, ignore it. I blame both men and women, the women for fighting for this ridiculous notion that you aren’t equal, and the
men for allowing it to happen. Grow a spine. This is just a continuing trend of America becoming a bunch of pussies. Why do we have this great concern about people’s feelings all of a sudden. Yeah being made fun of sucks, but you know what, it’s what people do to each other. People do it to make themselves feel better. Wanna know the way to stop it? Agree with them and laugh at yourself, or find something to make fun of them about. It works, I was mad fun of mercilessly, once I figured that out, life became a whole lot of fun. Almost every adjective that we have can be used negatively, so fault the person saying it, not the word. STOP FUCKING WITH WORDS. It’s pointless and doesn’t accomplish anything.
JASON
“Does it look like I got cunt written on my head?”
Numbers Won’t Die
The Transporter
Transporter 2
Transporter 3
13
4
12
Time Jason Statham spends in a suit
26:37
45:38
54:17
Time Jason Statham spends running
0:28
1:16
0:50
Time Jason Statham spends driving
16:46
14:22
18:20
Time Jason Statham spends on the phone
0
7:18
6:27
Number of times Jason Statham evades the police
5
2
0
Number of times Jason Statham SCREAMS
10
0
40
Number of times Jason Statham says fuck
0
0
0
Largest group that Jason Statham fights while unarmed
8
12
12
Times a lady gets Statham’d
1
0
1
Number of people Jason Statham kills
Live Better, Live Statham BY RIODICULOUS STAFF ROOMMATE
The common man has lost sight of what is truly important in his life. Attached at the hip to his Blackberry or iPhone, walking around in 48 dollar Affliction t-shirts, and “accessorizing” his belt with the rest of his attire; today’s man is for all intents and purposes, useless. Statistics show that 54% of men do not know how to change a tire on their car. An even more alarming figure shows that 61% of men have never chopped down a tree, fired a firearm, or masturbated in the backseat of a moving car without anyone finding out (traditionally referred to as “back-whackin”). But there is hope. Man is not doomed to become an androgynous creature full of feelings and dolphin-love, no! Man can become like the men of old, like George Washington splitting British brains with his axes. Like Abraham Lincoln, wrestling alligators during the Civil War to prevent a battalion of the Northern Army from being slaughtered. Or like Arnold Palmer, for both having a delicious drink named after him, and being good at golf, or so I hear. The answer is simple, oh wandering men of this world: watch more action films. Arnold Schwarzenegger kills 88 guys in “Commando” and you should be able to tell me every one of them. When I was growing up, I had an unprecedented amount of active action heroes to watch: Arnold, Stallone, Seagal, Snipes, Van Damme, Chan, Willis, and even Kurt Russell. Now the problem is that while we all grew up watching totally badass movies, most of you have stopped watching these films and instead have moved on to other genres. This needs to stop immediately. We need more action in our lives. While the rise of MMA (real dudes actually fighting each other) has led to a non-stop dudefest on many a Saturday night, we aren’t asking the important questions anymore. Why are these men fighting? Has one of these guys kidnapped the other’s wife/daughter? Are either of these men military/police officers who have gone rogue? These questions are essential to setting up the awesome fight scene that will inevitably occur. These questions are the cornerstones of men acting manly. Do you think Arnold attacked for no reason? Well, do you? This is where Statham comes in. Jason “Jason Statham” Statham was truly born a generation too late, as he fits right in with the old guards of the action movie genre. Known for either always driving a car or screaming at the top of his lungs while running, Jason Statham has consistent kill counts, impeccable oneliners, and a rock-solid six pack. Men of the planet Earth, Jason Statham is our guiding light. Does Jason Statham use a cellphone? Yes. Does he worry about it breaking? No, he kicks someone in the chest and takes their phone. This is how we all should live our lives.
STATHAM “Chicken and Broccoli”
War
Crank
Crank: High Voltage
9
11
21
17:51
13:57
0:28
1:00
3:18
4:09
2:17
11:50
7:12
3:22
10:37
3:31
0
5
4
7
47
112
15
58
86
5
4
6
0
1
1
Statham To Set New Highs BY THE COCKTOPUS STAFF STATHAM
With the announcement yesterday that “Cranksporter” will be released sometime in February 2010, many analysts are speculating that Jason Statham will be putting up World Record numbers by the time the film is over. Early projections estimate that Statham will only kill a modest 43 people, but his suit time and driving time could be setting new highs, with projections that he will wear a suit the entire run time of the film, and drive for 300 minutes of the 90 minute film. The real potential of the film however is that Statham has decided to only scream his lines for the entire movie. This of course comes as a complete shock to the entire action film industry, as Christian Bale’s record of 284 screams in a single film is at risk; a record that has stood for over sixty years. Sylvester Stallone, who worked with Statham in the upcoming film“The Expendables,” said that “he’s the only guy in America who could pull that off. What? He’s not from America? Well neither was Rambo. They drew first blood.” Statham’s fantasy rank is currently a very humble 23rd, ranking directly under Wesley Snipes. With the release “Cranksporter” in a few months, fantasy experts are suggesting that Statham could rise all the way to second place. First place belonging of course to Viggo Mortensen, who is still riding out a twenty-thousand kill-count from the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. The actual plot of “Cranksporter” still remains largely a mystery. We’re told that Statham was mostly green-screened and that his Audi A8 W12 covers roughly 75 minutes of screen time. Many online forum communities have been suggesting that Statham will have his brain implanted into said automobile, and will control the Audi using a cerebellic-injection system. While these sort of habberdasheries are normally disregarded, the director, Kurt Russell declared this specific idea as “totally rad” and said further that “we’re totally gonna use that.” Statham screamed loudly and ran at full-sprint when asked for a comment. Perhaps most suprisingly is that this is Statham’s first credit as an actor playing a character. Reportedly, all of his other films are documentaries in which Statham just “lives his day-to-day.” When asked about the documentative nature of his earlier parts, world-renowned director and Statham-buddy Guy Ritchie said “Jay is a crazy dude. I bought a new camera one day and just started filming him doing his everyday kinda stuff. Next thing I know he’s getting injected with synthetic poisons and trying to bang Amy Smart. Dude is wild.” Statham is 37 years-old, has won a record 14 Oscar awards, and can sprint for 7 minutes straight.
THE MEDIUM
Bro-etry
FEATURES 2: Let’s G
“I did all I can to make you laugh, I feel like I succeeded.
COMING SOON
By Nadroj (with help from Rob “Thundercat” Frost) Two biddies diverged upon my wood And sorry I could not get in both For I’ve one condom, there I stood And looked down one as far as I could To see it lacking any underwear; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the worser claim, Because it was hairy and had some wear; Though adequate for fucking there
MAMA BROWER’S PHOTO ALBUM
For it did not matter into which I came, For in the next morning they’ll equally lay In bed no words as they head back. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I would ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two biddies diverged on my wood, and II took the one less boned upon, And that has kept me from getting herpes.
Here’s God and the other religions telling me to spread love and be awesome
STUFF WE'D LIKE TO SEE HAPPEN ON SHOWS...
Tidal Wave hits the Jersey Shore, no guidos survived
Mama Brower turns out to be the mother in “How I Met Your Mother”
Get This Party Started
...stop stabbing me with that spear”- Jesus’ Last Words
Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
1) How long have you been playing the Mandolin or any other instruments that you play I’ve been playing guitar (both electric and acoustic) for about six years and mandolin for two. 2) Tell us about your band, what it’s called, what type of music. Myspace page? A couple of my friends and I are trying to start a metal band with your typical headbanging/moshing/fist pumping parts mixed with some more mellow/atmospheric breaks. We’ve been jamming for a little over a year now and are slowly “locking in” a sound. We have 4 songs pretty much written and a couple more well on their way to completion. We don’t have a name or myspace yet (we’ve debated a million names this past year, haha) but hopefully by early spring semester we’ll have a demo, name and myspace. If you want to check out some homegrown New Brunswick Thrash/Death Metal, check out my buddies’ band Dystrophy’s myspace “Dystrophy1” and if you want to check out random recordings I’ve made on mandolin, you can myspace “mandolinguykvlt”. 3) What are you studying at Rutgers and what do you hope to do in the future?
THE MEDIUM EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH
I’m “technically” a philosophy major and history minor but I don’t like - RAY - THE MANDOLIN GUY to absolutize my studies to what the paper says. I declared those two fields - OCCUPATION - MANDOLINING & because they worked best with the amount of classes I had already taken BEING AWESOME in them. But I’m generally interested in studying scary topics like the meaning of life, social relationships, origins of thought, morality etc etc. 7) If you only had six months to live what More recently I’ve become much more interested in studying music and would be some things you would do? Eastern religions as a way to kind of “quiet” my mind from all these questions that have given rise, haha. Hmmm I don’t know exactly but off the top of my head I’d say skydive and drive full speed on the Autobahn. In the immediate future I plan on getting some job that pays (go figure!) so I can sustain myself and work on music for the next few years. After a 8) What’s your craziest drunk story? (Not couple of years of experimenting with music, I may either remain in music particularly you, but maybe something that or move on to other things (law, graduate school, music therapy?), but I you have seen) don’t like to plan TOO far ahead, especially with the nonsense going on at Wall Street these days. I believe in living in the now with an acknowledge- Ooh, I wish I kept a Rolodex of these things. One time last ment of some future. summer this huge Marine stopped traffic as he gobbled fat sandwiches on Easton Ave so he could see me play mandolin for cars 4) What do you think of Rutgers? before he got deployed. Needless to say it was a success, but then he wanted to try it on Route 18.... Hahaha, that’s a big one. Perhaps I should come back with a novel. I’ll definitely say that since I went home to visit my family for Thanksgiving, 9) What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever I’ve noticed that I’ve changed a great deal over the years. I think Rutgers done? is a great place to kind of get out and start forging a character for yourself. If you can navigate this bureaucracy, stay healthy, maintain relation- Learn to play mandolin, hahah. ships and still have time to sleep, then I’d say you’re ready to get out there and live life. If not... well don’t worry about it, they set you up to lose, 10) If you were a god what would you do to hahaha. the world? I guess it’s like any “thing” really, there are ups and downs, good and bad. I love being able to walk outside and spot a bunch of friendly faces, I enjoy listening to my professors’ words of wisdom. I LOOOVE Brower, Alexander Library and Easton Ave Gym, hahaha. Sometimes the noise and lack of common sense are annoying but whatever, that’s life!
Unfuck it, or control climate change. Or unfuck it by reversing climate change, haha.
5) If you could have lunch with 5 people dead or alive who would it be?
Expired milk, my roommate’s 40, mango nectar, apples, oranges, a gritty apple bong and chilled monkey brains.
Ooh, another toughy. I’d say Chuck Schuldiner, George Carlin, Aretha Franklin, Bertrand Russell and Keith Lawrence.
12) What was the last book you read?
6) If Hollywood made a movie about your life what would it be rated and who would be the star? It would be rated 666 and Al Pacino would do the honors.
11) If I came to your home and looked in your refrigerator, what would I find?
For “pleasure,” The Age of Melancholy, for “business/school” (but still pleasing, nonetheless), Tao Te Ching. 13) Favorite Fat Sandwich and why? Veggie Indian because if you put hummus on it in addition to the falafel, fries and hot sauce it tastes DIVINE
THE MEDIUM To the clusters of sketchy guys and slutty girls at every Cook/Douglass bus stop waiting for the EE on Thursday nights-- I know that on this particular night of every week we forget “bus etiquette”, so let me remind you: let people OFF of the fucking bus BEFORE you get on. Stampeding onto the bus and trampling over me is not excusable, and it will not get you drunk quicker. Go get raped. To my girlfriend: I’m sorry for not telling you, but I came in you last month.. you Might have the flu, but your probably pregnant, Love, B.T. To the fuckheads in my linguistics in anthropology class who love to hear themselves talk; You’re making my ears bleed. Shut the fuck up unless you have something insightful to say. Dear Barr Hall Residents, What a bunch of Pussies Love, M. To the bitch having an unfathomably loud, never ending Spanish phone conversation in the Alexander reading room, THE WHOLE FUCKING LIBRARY COULD HEAR YOU YOU DUMB WHORE!!! Everyone in there wanted to tell you to shut the fuck up, but no one wanted to make the noise necessary to do so, because IT’S A FUCKING LIBRARY!!! To the rotund black man at the Fuse basement show; Its not that I’m uptight, I just didn’t like you. Dear Rutgers Football Team: Thank you for the trip to Syracuse. I enjoyed watching a few of my fellow band mates get shitfaced in the hotel the night before the game. It was perhaps the only best thing about the trip. That and watching the orange mascot attempting to start a fight with our mascot. That scarlet knight was cool as hell ignoring that mutha’ucking crazy fruit. (That just sounds awesome. You guys should get drunk while performing at games. It might help.)
PERSONALS “Fucking internet gnomes....” My underwear is on backwards... (Maybe your ass is just on backwards.) To the nerdy kid on the L bus a few weeks ago: I don’t think you realized but there’s a reason why people rarely hold on to the strap hangers while on the bus. After you went swinging all over the place for the third time, I couldn’t help but laugh while secretly thinking “let go” each the time the bus came to a halt. To the guy on the F who was flipping off people out the window at every bus stop: What the fuck? Who are you mad at? Are you angry at the bus stops themselves or does your arm have Tourettes? (Maybe he saw his reflection and was just angry with himself?) To the REXL bus driver who decided to go to Busch instead: You should not be allowed to drive a bus full of people not wearing seatbelts. You are not even worthy of the L route. To the asian prick who wears his pants below his ass: you are fucking disgusting for bringing your put-out cigarette on the bus. I really enjoyed sitting there with that terrible stench. Thanks for the cancer. (Chinatown hustla yo0o0.) To the stupid bitch in front of me; Shut the fuck up! No one gives a fuck what u have to say, and to my Race Relations professor; We get it. African Americans were oppressed. Stop trying to make me feel like a racist every time I come to class you fucking cunt. To the guy who asked if I was wearing finger paint, you are precious. It’s called nail polish, sweetie. To the unknown coprophilic asshats in Hardenbergh Hall: Really?! REALLY??!! Smearing your shit all over the bathroom? Are you the same fuckers who lived in Metzger last year? I don’t know how you still find that shit funny (no pun intended). (Nothing like a good pun. Share it wit yo friends.)
Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
To the bitches in the apart- To the stupid, inconsiderment above mine *coughs ate bitches who decided to and clears throat*: I don’t SCREAM in my building wanna fucking hear your Friday night because you’re high heels banging on the friend had a birthday party ground as u walk or u bitch- at FUCKING 1 in THE ing on the phone at 4am. MORNING; I was really You bitches sent a AA af- hoping that you would all ter me and my roommates die in a freak fire accident a month ago due tonoise. or something then you’d U ALL NEED MY BIG really have something to BLACK BALLZ DOWN scream about. By the way, UR THROATS! your ghetto music sucked To the cute girl who told me and I hope you all get raped. the time while waiting for Happy Birthday, bitch. No one fucking cares. Go kill takeout to open in Nielson dining hall December yourself. 3rd....I hope someday we (Fucking annoying bitchwill meet again in the fu- es....)
To the Cow-Fucking SEBS Student at the Housing Townhall meeting, No one fucking cares that you have to milk cows at 3 O’Clock in the morning or that you have to take care of sick baby goats, your selfish rude fat self does not deserve an automatic housing spot let alone a space at Rutgers. Next time please stay over on Cook with your tree hugging hippies and spare the rest of us. I hate all minorities, however I want to thank the fatass who looked like he was of bean burrittoo descent. Because I copied everything off of you on the psych exam and I got an A. Thank You I owe you a GREEN CARD. To the kid in my principles of biology class: You have the sexiest plump lips thatI’ve ever seen on a white boy. U make me feel like such a creeper.
To the really hot girl with the fuzzy boots that always wears those purple sunglasses at night and during lectures, you are fucking awesome. I remember talking to you on the LX and I kinda regret not asking for your number. Don’t worry... we shall meet again ;) To the entire Greek life at Rutgers: Fuck you. Stop trying to shove your sick, pathetic cults down my throat. To the girl I saw who put skim milk in their Cookie Crisp; What the shit is going through your head? You’re not going to lose weight by putting skim milk and believing that it’ll offset the sugar and other fucking no good for you shit that’s in there. If you’re gonna do cereal go big or go home! Either put them fuckin whole milk in there or get some earthy hippie shit with skim milk, then maybe you’ll lose weight.
To that jacked manscaped little hunk of Filipino lovin’ that lives in Easton Apts: I want you to take me in that library on the corner of Bartlett and College Ave with your three inch piece of steel with that tall fuck videotaping. (You sound like one sick fuck.) Prof S, you are a fucking cunt rag. Please take the baseball bat out of your ass and get rid of your fake ass smile. Your voice cracks like a fucking 13 yr old boy going through puberty and nobody likes your lame jokes or gay flannel shirts. Did I mention that your life’s work is complete bullshit, a waste of time, and serves humanity no purpose? Studying how the dialects of Chinese differ and where they are spoken in China, really? WHO GIVES A FUCK. I hope you choke on a chode and die. Don’t worry, you won’t be missed. PS: you forgot to wipe the jizz out of hair before coming to class the other day. To the African woman who drives the F all the time-- I love how you announce the Gibbons stop, “da gee-bons”. It makes my bus ride. (She also say “da Hendersonnn”, which makes me feel that I really don’t live in a fucking dump full of total assholes.) Hi, I’m Livingston’s K.G.! I’m annoying & desperate to be popular. Somehow, everything on my face just has something.. off about it. From my eyes to nose to mouth, I just look fucking weird. My friends are hot, but when guys look they wonder why I’m even there, I’m the ugly one of the bunch. I make the hotties look bad, and the mad sexy guys I know wonder why I’m there diluting the hotness ratio. Seriously, WHY am I there. Can my annoying self just go away and stop flirting with the guys because they wanna vomit when I do. Bitch on bitches! personals@themedium.net.... Love ya!
9002 ht9 rebmeceD ,yadsendeW To the fucking Jew-Bastard in my microeconomics class. No one wants to hear your dumbass constantly asking those retarded ass questions of yours. Seriously your questions are fucking dumb and whenever you open your mouth your voice sounds like a panda bear getting anally raped by a rhinoceros. So I’m going to ask you nicely in honor of the entire class. Can you please SHUT THE FUCK UP! kthxbai To the porker in our sociology of deviance class, leggings were not made for fat girls- please wear sweatpants instead. And if you must wear leggings, don’t prance up and down the aisle 5 times a class because you look like a damn stuffed sausage and seriously, no one wants to see that shit. (I got an idea! Require lyposuction for said cows if they want the right to wear those things. In fairness, my alternative was going to be death for all offenders...) To the fuckin dumbass bloods wannabe on the F last thursday flipping everyone off repeatedly as we approached each bus stop...What the FUCK everytime you turned around and smiled at everyone cause you thought you were so clever.. didnt you realize no one smiled back ... you looked like the biggest fucking loser on the planet. I hope you get hit by a fuckin bus and die a very painful death To the Asian kid in American Constitution Law, who sits in the front row of the central seating section. YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT. You don’t just have that Asian fish-y stink, you smell like the first floor bathroom of Alexander Library and month-old puke. And what the fuck possesses you to be a complete tool? When the professor laughs, it’s not a cue for you to laugh--you’re just being fucking annoying. P.S. You have an ass for a face, you dumb fuck. To the guy who wears a skirt/ kilt in my Gender & Society of Europe class, stop talking and let the professor teach the fucking class. You’re fat and you waddle when you walk. No one thinks you are smart. Eat a fucking dick.
PERSONALS
YOUR MOM
“FUUUCK YOOOOU DOOOLPHIIIIN AND WHAAAAAAALE!” if my penis could talk: “put To the ridiculously goodsome lotion on me! your looking guy walking by the jerking me too hard! OH, lipman bus stop on Wednesand i DONT like it when day in the blue sweatpants you try to bend me into your and D&G glasses, let’s The semester is over! This is the last issue of The Medium OWN asshole you FUCK- make babies ;) (and frighteningly my second-last semester before having ING SICKO!” To that girl in front of De- to enter the real world) and the last Personals page. I’ve (You’re weird.) marest who gave me the gotta give it up to you guys; the readers. You’ve helped This goes to the idiot living once over last thursday make this page fucking awesome this semester. You’ve next door to me. You com- morning. Who the fuck submitted more than EVER. If you submitted and didn’t plain about everyone’s mu- do you think you are? I get yours in, don’t fret! We’ll be back again next semessic tell people to talk lower, mean honestly, don’t judge ter and I’ll provide some tips for how to increase your yet you play your music me because I am wearing chances of getting in (like actually being funny, making louder than anyone else in Uggs and a sweatshirt and them SHORT, etc.). I wish we had enough space for evthe building. You go on jeans.. honestly. You don’t eryone, money is still tight, but if things keep going the rampages and yell and curse know shit bitch. Stop walk- way they are that’ll change in the not-too-distant future. at your parents in a different ing around in your nasty Anyways, enjoy the end of the year, fight the War on language through the phone ass high heeled boots and Christmas well, and we’ll see you fuckers in January! in the hallway while slam- ugly jacket and grandma ming your door and hitting handbag thinking that you ~Satanic Yoda the walls. You’re truly a are better than me because dear sadistic yoda, the editor Dear, Satanic Yoda. About waste of life. guess what, you are not, you of the personals i believe, i your little section in the To my Jewish Roommate, stupid bitch.Go suck some want to meet you. I think ur last issue. I agree MW2 you’ve inspired me...to join cock and get the fuck away the best thing since sliced rocks!!!! But let me just say Westboro Baptist Church from my dorm, you dumb bread. Supposedly you’re that, YOU ARE FAIL!!!! To that retard in the RSC whore. hot and ur super funny. Ev- for being an arrogant PS3 computer lab Friday night: (You still suck for wearing erytime I read the personals fanboy for actually writing Just what the fuck is so fun- Ugg boots, clone.) I think I can tell who you’re about how, in your opinion, ny? You’ve been giggling To the black kid on the gonna like and hate and I’m you feel the PS3 is so supeout loud for the past two 4th floor of lippincott who always wrong. You’re unrior. You loser. hours, and it’s really starting wears that stupid ass fuck- predictable and that makes (It’s not that I’m a PS3 fanto piss me off. SHUT THE ing hat, no one gives a fuck- u a sexy beast ;) not to be on boy as much as XBox 360 HELL UP. ing shit about plainfield. It ur jock like hanes but heyyy is such a piece of shit and (Fun Fact! At the Rutgers fucking sucks anyway so wat is gooddddd? LOL -in- you’re a fucking moron for computer laba, if someone is why try to rep it. Your not giving money to Microsoft. terested first year doing something like watch- cool when someone asks (I don’t ususally go for fresh- I’ll keep my HDMI support, ing porn or being loud and “yo where you going” and man but you’re screwing my Uncharted 2 (and in March it pisses you off, YOU are you say “fucking plainfield” name up is kinda cute :-p. God of War 3) and free onthe one that has to move!) you sound like a fucking re- Come find me baby.) line play, you little jealous To the stupid looking ass- tard asshole. To the Grossly Misinformed shit.) hole I fucked with in front (I’d rip on Plainfiend too, boy who has used “Plessy v. I want to fuck my math prof. of queens last month after but I’m afraid I might get Ferguson” to get laid: Did You know who he is, the you decided it would be a shot.) you complain that all of really funny one with the good idea to put your piece to the indian girl that was at your friends were getting glasses that slaps his own of shit camera in my face the college hall bus stop on fucked and claim that you face when he makes a misand take a picture with the thursday night, nov 5- the are required to receive equal take. He has such a deep, flash on. Yeah...I’m still inane shit that came out of treatment by the fat whores commanding voice that I pissed...and yeah...I hope your mouth was THE defi- of Brett? Or maybe you want to yell at me while he you’ve had trouble eating nition of ‘verbal diarrhea’. I took advantage of Romer v. fucks me in his office. It’s your fruit loops every morn- regret ignoring the impulse Evans and got with the gui- really distracting because ing after I Kimbo Sliced you to push you in front of the do fratboys you fantasized I think about this while he in the cocksucker. Oh and oncoming EE bus, because about while writing your teaches, its probably why when you’re done jerking i’m sure the guy you were personal last week. I’m failing his class. Hopeoff to that beautiful mother taking to is too stupid to put To M.S. over @ the Targum fully I’ll have to take this fucker in the picture you a condom on right.... the sports desk......Fuck You, class again! took (me), I’ll gladly auto- prospect of your genes liv- your a fucking hypocrite dear annoying pillsbury ing on is as depressing as and know nothing about jewboy who is always really graph it for you. (Dude, Kimbo Slice got his genocide. sports. You picked Rutgers sweaty from pacific histoass beat when he went to the (Man, when I had forced to get decimated and now ries, feel free to throw yoursterilizations in mind I was your trying to back up their self into on coming traffic UFC.) How is it possible that the thinking about Glenn Beck rankings? Just shut the fuck any time. dirtiest whore at Rutgers fans!) up and go get a real job, (THIS is what I’m talking doesn’t even go here?? La- Dear WebReg, you fucking like sucking off the Targum about for an ideal submisdies, step it up. This bitch suck a long, hard, hairy dick editor’s dick....you are piti- sion! Short and sweet!) only comes around once a and i wish you would die a ful and don’t deserve your To one of the guys on the month and she’s out-doing violent death. PS - PLEASE job. Go watch ESPN and wrestling team: Thank you all of you (no pun intend- someone drop out of Topics stop jurking off to the girls for cheating on my neighed). Nobody likes you here in Math section 11... on College Ave that you’ll bor from back home so that but the 12 dudes you blow (Hahahaha I got to register never get with. she decided to not enroll at every weekend when you before you!) (That dude’s column about Rutgers. You have no idea come... shit.. well damn. So there is a tip jar at the Rutgers fans not being ener- how happy that makes me. if you add that up you’re abortion clinic, what do you getic enough made me want She would have brought the probably pretty fuckin pop- do? to fucking kick that smug intelligence of our school ular around here by now. (You better hope they get it little shit’s ass.) down by a few points. all and not just the tip!) Now I get it...
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA...
Wednesday, November 9th, 2009
ARTS “Backstreet’s Back, ALRIGHT!!!”
Behind the
scenes at
...Or Mickey’s gonna go Kung Foo on yo’ ass
THE MEDIUM