The Entertainment Weekly of Grabbing Your X-Mas Coal, Stuffing It Between Those Massive, Heaving Asscheeks of Yours, and Waiting For It to Become a Diamond. ....Jesus, You’re a Fatass.
Wednesday, December 4th, 2002
Volume XXXIV, Number 12
Co Coal
OPINIONS
“Rutgers loves you all.”
Wednesday, December 4th 2002
And So it Goes.... (a final moment with the EiC) Well, here it is. My last issue of The Medium, the result of hours working in the wee hours of the morning, wrestling with the CAC labs, to find the the issue within the corrupted files. Just that one little nugget of gold within the nonsense. For me, that’s what paper has always meant. Taking the heaps of information thrown at you, finding what it means, and throwing a little of it back. Fighting the good fight, even when your own administration is ready to spit in your face. Mostly, it’s about a constantly evolving group of friends that get together every week (going on 35 years in Jan.) to make the stinky, scatological, fantastic rag you have in your hands. Unfortunately, the pleasure of leading that group is no longer mine. So! Count yourself lucky. This means the end of my penis in The Medium. By that I don’t just mean all the written references, but an end to the fact that I’ve been rubbing it along the stacks of issues all semester. So in the words of Abraham Lincoln... suck it, Rutgers! Love,
Martin W. Babitz, esq.
What to do when your new friend doesn’t look like you.
African American
Latino
Asian
Caucasian
African American
Latino
Asian
Muslim / Arab
Shake hands. Sing latest Avril Lavigne song out of key. Remain wary: If greeted with “sup nigga” punch until honkey appears dead.
Run.
Run.
Mention victory in WWII. Run.
Run. Hide.
Stop petty coast based bickering, unite to form unstoppable hip-hop army and tear down the Stone Wall Jackson shrine.
Stare at menacingly. Laugh at girly run.
Attempt cool Ghost Dog style cross cultural movie.
Spout some one liners from the Koran to scores with his hot Arabic chicks.
Steal hot white chicks with salsa dancing moves no white man can do.
Have surprisingly sophisticated “dance off” in which the winner gets all the women.
You may now begin the flamboyantly feminine slap-fighting.
Sell ridiculously cheap electronic device for many times its Asian market value Bide time.
Attempt to laud basketball skills, then Ninja Vanish!
Dominate immigrant job market. Laugh in high pitch manner.
Muslim /Arab
Stare at with utter lack of comprehension or common ground much as a squid would stare at a donkey.
Kiss passionately to the confused horror and awe of everyone around.
Form bizarre Tom Clancyesque alliance to topple the capitalist oppressors. Fail miserably. Cry.
Two-words. Kung-fu.
Congratulate mutual membership to “Axis-of-Evil”
Compare fancy but impractical chickenscratch writing style.
Ask if you can borrow some of his virgins after America is crushed in his jihad.
(All interaction protocols are for men only, which makes sense when you think about it since all cultures oppress women equally, you don’t need the race chart. Hope it comes in THE handy anyway - Ed.)
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2 3 4 5 6 7
Hey you... Mc Wop Cracker Fatty Kyke
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8 9 10 11 12
Beotch Czech Nigger Spick What’s Shaking?
Cover by: Jim Kohl, Liz Finelli, & Martin Babitz
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor
Orientals - Nobody asked them to come over here and slave away on our railroads, although its cool that they did. Now they’re just taking jobs from dumb black guys and even dumber white guys. Remind them of Hiroshima and see if they’re still laughing.
Ten More Years!
(North Korean only) Suspect him of corrupting the beautiful religion of Islam to score with Arabic chicks.
Right now!
Irish - Potato famine, schmatato famine. They act like they had it rough, but we know they were too drunk to remember. Hate these bastards with extreme prejudice.
Interracial Protocol:
Caucasian
When will it be okay to hate...
Homosexuals - True, technically there is nothing wrong with homosexuality. But that doesn’t mean if one takes your job (or your ex) you can’t hate them with completely irrational fervor. Unfortunately, its still gonna be a while till this is cool again. Muslims - Yeah, they blew up your dad. But your dad blew up his dad. And his dad, well, his dad was probably minding his own damn business. Anyway, you might wanna let this one cool off a little.
In the year 3550! Blacks - That’s right, there is an end to constant apologizing, at least for white people. According to top NASA apologizologists, two thousand years should be just enough to patch up that whole...well, slavery thing. Zorgons - Yes, they were just trying to communicate with us using microwave radio, but they left us all impotent! Fucking three-eyed, fourlegged, armless bastards.
Never fucking ever! Jews - There is nothing you can do about it. For as long as the universe exists, if you fart near a Jew it will be a hate crime. They were chosen by God to rule the lifeless desert, and by Yahweh - that mean’s never having to say sorry. Not even for the Jenin Massacre.
Martin Babitz Ryan Beckman Mike Stanley Benjamin Nathan Schachtman Carol Hu Ryan Beckman Aija McKenzie
Faculty Advisor Personals Editors Photography Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor
Jeff Buechner Mike Stanley Liz Finelli Amy Groark Michael Wyzard Mike Stanley Mr. Kohl Amy Groark
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to prometus@hotmail.com. Happy holidays to all of you from all of us fagshitters at the Medium.
“Seek the Thundercats! You must seek them to avoid great peril!”
Wednesday, December 4th 2002
EDITORIALS
The Importance of Being Chandra A stab at the art of poetry, shouldn’t we all try it? - jes deveraux Oh Romeo, oh Romeo, where for art thou pants Romeo? Why is it thee who troubles me so? For what is a life absent of whoopah? You put sand in my panties, nair in my shampoo… But why? I do it all for you. It is my name you call, but my name is not Joshua. Who do you make reference to? What does it all mean? You send me into an inferno, where I’m burning up for your love. You sting me with your poisons, justifying my very existence and …. You know what… I don’t know either, but know this: 1. Nothing good comes easily, sometimes you’ve just got to fight. 2. Always chicken-head in parking lots. 3. Never stick your finger up anyone’s anus, it’s just dirty!
Medium Fun-Fact
tm
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There is a horde of flying Palestinian babies that swarm down from the sky and devour Jews.
Why I Like Midget Porn
Send holiday wishes to Collegeben@hotmail.com!
By Mike Litoris Sex. Penis in, then out. Pelvis thrust forward, then back. For the lesbians, lick, lick. For those who are narcissistic love makers, fwap fwap/schlick schlick. Hot, warm flesh touching. Ahh… sex. I love it. Little known fact about Mike Litoris: Discovered porn and had his own stash at seven years of age. It never gets old. But sometimes, he likes to see something new. So there I was scouring the internet for new and interesting things when I found one of the most amazing discoveries of my life: midget porn. Everything is right about it; it mixed some of my favorite things in life: sex and tiny, disproportionate people. A grin crossed my face, and I was set for hours in front of the computer, digging up as much as I could find. To my surprise, there are shitloads of it out there. Even on direct connect, I found one of outtakes from midget porn (just search for midget porn) which was a clip of Howard Stern’s Beatlejuice banging some nasty black crack whore, and getting beaten by some other white midget. Oh happy me! “Now why, Mike, do you like such vile, insensitive, exploitive crap such as this?” you might ask. Well, the answer to that is two fold. First, it is because I identify. I am vile, insensitive, exploitive crap myself and thus it makes perfect sense that I should enjoy it. Secondly, it makes everything in the world feel much better. Being Jewish, I am cursed with an overly modest penis. Watching these tiny men fuck large-by-comparison women makes me feel better about my own penis. All I see in most porn, except Asian (not necessarily of Asian women, just from Asia so it has Asian men), is enormous cock tearing into women, and the women bucking in pleasure. How can I please a woman with a mere… well, we needn’t get too specific… like I said though, it’s modest. But here we see a small man with a penis in proportion to his body ramming away at a chick, and her enjoying every second of it. It’s quite heartening. Now, often times it is a normal sized man having his liberties with a dwarven chick. Why did I just call her a dwarf? What the fuck? They’re not little mythical people who mine crap. They’re midgets. They have a fucking disease. They didn’t come from another goddamn dimension or anything. Anyway, some people may think that this would make me feel my penis was even smaller, since this guy now appears giant compared to her. Well, somehow, it doesn’t work that way. I suppose it’s because I can tell myself that she’s a midget, and his penis isn’t really that big. But it’s so enjoyable to watch because they can take these little bastards and just toss ‘em around while fucking ‘em. They can do pretty much anything with them. Midget’s are like natural acrobats. It’s like going to the circus and watching porn at the same time! Another great thing about midget porn is its psychological effects. Everyone at some point in their life feels down, and out. They feel like crap. Depressed. They feel like the little people. And this, I emphasize, is the best and most effective time to watch porn. It shows us that even the smallest of us can get some. The tiniest amongst us can have some fun. The most meager can get reamed by an enormous black cock or fuck a nice tight vag. To you, college boys and girls, I part with these words: expand your horizons – watch midget porn.
Delayed Ejaculation of the Week: The Four Primary Stages of Midget Sexiness
To The Medium Staff: 3. Sultry
Even though we live in New Jersey and don’t have to worry about a sniper, but rather ruthless auto insurance companies, I still found your column on who the sniper should whack next (10/23/02 issue) very insensitive and offending!!! I was deeply shocked and dismayed!!!
1. Classy
How could you forget to add these people to the list:
2. Sensuous 4. Sultrier...
Haha! You’ll never circumsize me you zealot freaks!
Which end is my ass?
Courtney Lov (sic) Anna Nicole Smith Carrot Top The Catholic League L ast but not least, that Hot Blonde Chick At Douglass That Rejected Me A Few Semesters Ago Because I Had Chesthair. Yeah, I remember you. Bitch!!! -- Alexander The Poet
Off into the sunset motherfuckers, off into the sunset in my convertible Camaro Z-28 coupe. All I ever wanted was four 40 oz. bottles of Old English 800, my inflatible woman and three years worth of archived copies of The Review - life is good.
stacrednuhT !kcattA yrotseD !aciremA
5. Sexy...Finally!!!
NEWS
“Somebody ought to kill NB slumlords and eat them for dinner.”
Wednesday, December 4th, 2002
1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 Brower Gives Student ‘The Shits’ 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 by PutPenNameHere 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456 New Brunswick, NJ - The setting was a place of friendly casual conversation; of relaxing; of eating and enjoyment. It was a sunny Tuesday afternoon; a delightful chill was in the air outside. It was Brower Commons, a respectable establishment known for its fine cuisines and the place for the popular cliques to gather. It was also the place for tragedy to strike.
Cell phones do not cause brain cancer. By Rabbi Kosher STAFF Bridget
The theory that Cell Phones will give you brain cancer has been tested for many years now. At last, the final test have finally been concluded that they do not give you brain cancer, testicular cancer instead. This may sound weird, but it is true. The waves from the cell phone do go through the brain, but actually send messages from the brain to increase cell growth in the testicles. Scientist and Cancer expert Jeffery Wattz is the head scientist at Biotech labs, which is the core of cancer research in the country. He says that we have been doing too much testing on humans for this type of research. We should have been testing on dogs the entire time. It all started when he held a cellular phone to the ear of his dog, “Snuffles.” Nothing happened at first, but surely and slowly the dog’s testicles happened to grow and grow. Mr. Wattz was not sure what to make of it at first so he tried to pop the testicles with a toothpick. After the tears and bloodshed from both mammals, he finally concluded that Cell Phones are not hazardous to humans, but only the testicles of canines. When asked if Mr. Wattz was going to continue his research on other animals he said that he was already in the process of testing breast cancer among cats. So far nothing has been concluded just yet, but Mr. Wattz sure is proud of all the Pussy Snatch he gets to look at.
Scott McKinney, a first-year undergraduate at Rutgers University, was sitting with two of his roommates in Brower, often known as ‘the Brow’ amongst many of the elite social crowds, eating his usual Tuesday meal of pasta with meat sauce, and a glass of cranberry juice to wash it down with. After finishing, he sat back to digest and wait for the other members of his group to finish. Reportedly, approximately five-minutes passed before it hit. “I don’t know what happened,” exclaimed Scott, “I just sorta got a sharp pain in the stomach, then suddenly got up and ran to my dorm, like fast, like super fast, and went straight to the bathroom, right, and I almost couldn’t hold it in at all. It was prairie doggin’ it and everything, and, just in time for me to get my pants down and me over the toilet, it all came out. It didn’t even wait ‘til my ass was on the toilet, just over it.” The term “prairie dogging” refers to the motion of the fecal matter prematurely edging slowly out of the anus, and then pulled back in through the contracting of the sphincter. Will Stemple, Scott’s friend and roommate, was present at the time of the tragedy. “After he finished and sat back, he started fidgeting. Then after a few more moments he suddenly sat up, contorted is face and, like, yelped or something ‘waaghghh’ and bolted out of there. Once he made that face and noise, I knew what was going on. That’s universal. That’s the ‘holy crap I’ve got the shits’ face. Some good, however, did come from the event. “After it all came out,” remarks Scott, “it was one of the best feelings of my life. I was filled with so much relief and joy. It felt like I had no problems in the world. But then I realized I did. And I wiped.” Every cloud has its silver lining. According to McKinney, this effect is common to him by Brower. When asked about the pattern, officials at Brower Commons declined to comment. Foul play is suspected by many.
If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death
Brower Commons
I Wanna Be I Wanna Be Like Mike By A Wasted Mind Yes, like Michael Jordan. Why? Mainly because he is black. We all wanna be black. It’s a truth that most people try to deny in public, but when they are alone, they will awkwardly booty-shake to rap and try to capture the dream. Its obvious why crackers like me and you would gladly trade in our unsightly pallor for a mahogany skintone. This goes way beyond aesthetic reasons. There is that little extra muscle in your leg that makes you run so damn fast and overall superior athletic ability. Running from the po-po for years develops strength and prowess that white people can only dream of. Then there is the sad fact that white people wouldn’t know rhythm if it raped them in the eye socket. There is no way to cure this malady, so if you are a white boy do not think that beer will make it all better. It wont. And techno is not music, it’s an embarrassment to my race. Same goes for all white people in general who try to emulate black culture. If you are a wigger like me, then please take note, you cannot pull off overly bright colors and ridiculously baggy clothes. If you are driving down the street in your ‘too legit to quit’ civic that your mama bought you, blastin NWA, tryin to holla at every brotha you see and flash your ice, at least be aware of how ridiculous you look. If you are from the burbs and get an allowance, stop trying to be ghetto. Your fake ass will be shot. Same goes for walking like you got a stick up your ass. You are merely insinuating that your butt buddy gave it to you a little too roughly last night. Not so for black people, they just look intimidating. continued on next page
12/02/02, Baghdad: Michael Roth reporting
Abdul Ohman, Iraq's ambassador to the United Kingdom announced today that Iraq plans to become the newest member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, otherwise known as NATO. When asked to comment on his country's decision, Ohman simply stated that the move was "divine intervention" and that the "weapons of mass destruction his country currently posses would help its now allied nations with the impending war with the Soviet Union
England's foreign minister replied corrigibly to Iraq's announcement stating that "Its always useful to have another alley against the war on terrorism these days." Iraq's current defense missile system as a range as far as Turkey in the North, The Iran border Pakistan in the East, Israel in the West, and possibly as far south as the U.A.E. of course the missiles would be fired from the Western regions of Iraq, most likely at the current Israeli threat. Unfortunately Saddam Hussein could not be reached for comment. Although Ohman did sate that Iraq hopes to follow Israel's example and purchase Patriot missile batteries and APC's (Armored Personal Carriers) from Germany with money it doesn't have. Of course this decision has stirred controversy in Israel. Iraq believes that a price cannot be put on defensive measures to the war on terrorism. Israel fears that the APC's Iraq plans to purchase could be loaned to the Palestinians used as an offense weapon against its current war there. When asked to comment, Israeli defense minister Uzicial Monistat stated, "anything with armor and machine guns can be used offensively," further stating "most effectively against unarmed civilians." However Monistat did not comment on what Israel would do if Iraq responds defensively to its current war with Palestine. The assumption is left that a final intervention with the United States and possibly the rest of the NATO alliance would have to alleviate the conflict. this is our last issue... the conflicts are coming to an end... at least for this semester. I’m sure we’ll have more Deans and faculty hating us and trying to shut us down, so next semester come out and support us. Join us, write for us, laugh with us, act stupid with us, and make fun of people with us. Until next year... Happy Holidays!
Wednesday, December 4th, 2002
Don’t Bother Studying, you’ll fail anyway.”
NEWS
Obituaries All of you who are reading this have heard of the MINUS TEN YARDS Rutgers Football Program. You all know of our repuAnatomy of a Loser tation, what we are and aren’t capable of. It’s no seby John Minus cret that they are, for all intents and purposes, losers. STAFF HUGGABLE BIG Not just losers, mind you, but extravagant, flagrant, BLACK TEDDY BEAR flaming losers. What makes a Rutgers loss so painful, when you really analyze it, isn’t how bad they are, but how good they are. Let me explain. Every year, the Rutgers administration tells everybody how this year is going to be different. And I, being a complete and total sap, fall for it every year. And every year we, as a school, are let down…severely. You see, what makes Rutgers losses especially painful is that we know they are going to lose, but we are constantly told that we are going to win. It’s bull, and they feed it to us each and every August. It is insulting to the intelligence of the Rutgers student that we are expected to believe that a horrible team will win games due to one non-factor or another. This season has, however, been different. I mean, we did win one game. And we had a chance to win many games. I’m going to examine the last two games in particular, in order to show you the whole season in microcosmic view. WEEK 8 VS. MIAMI This was supposed to be a boring blowout of the home team, us. Oddly and surprisingly enough, Rutgers scores first on three passes: on the first drive…a touchdown. Rutgers was actually leading Miami. Miami was supposed to never, ever loose the lead in this game, and for three quarters they never had it. There were several reasons for this of course. The cynics would point to the fact that Miami was woefully unprepared for the unpredictable manic-depressive New Jersey weather. They would also point out that Miami, being Coach Schiano’s former employer, had a offensive and defensive system that Rutgers would be very prepared for. But, and this is a very large but, all of that would mean diddly-squat if Rutgers players didn’t execute good plays on the field. The defense made Miami look like they were running on half dead batteries. For three quarters Rutgers held the lead. Meanwhile, Rutgers ran up 17 points on the Miami defense, before our defense finally ran of steam and allowed Miami’s still formidable offense to run up the score. But at that point no one really cared; not me, not the fans, and certainly not the BCS standings. By now, Miami is back at no. 1, erasing all of the damage Rutgers had done, but at that point, a week ago Saturday, it seemed like we had finally turned the corner. If we could play at that level, with that team, maybe we could play that way with anybody...certainly with Temple right? Of course not. WEEK 10 VS. TEMPLE So here we are, Temple marching into our house, of course we are going to beat them right? We ran with Miami for 3 quarters, and showed promise in games vs. Pittsburgh, and Tennessee as well. Any rational person would think that, while we were by no means a contender, maybe we were finally taking the steps that would get us there. This is the painful, poisonous lie that the Rutgers Football team whispers into our ears, corrupting and poisoning our imaginations. The problem is, that we want to believe, we so desperately want to believe that they can and will win, we tend to believe the lie, contrary to all reason and history. Rutgers jumped out to a good lead which they promptly blew with the trademark incompetence and ineptitude that has prompted the nation to vote us as the worst team in college football history. And yes, it was the same team that made such a good showing not two weeks earlier. This is the sharpest point of the RU Screw. The football team gets our hopes up just so that when they do lose it will hurt more than it would were we just numb to the everpresent stench of failure surrounding our football program. We, the students and alumni, so desperately want a good team that we exaggerate any small spark of hope we may find, only to offer up more of our misery to the soul-eating Rutgers machine that, I assume, feeds on our disgust and disappointment. Rutgers can only win in very specific circumstances; those circumstances being when we do not need a defensive unit that is not fat and out of shape. And that, boys and girls, is the anatomy of the Loser. RU Football will always consist of losers…it is our lot in life. Our cross to bare as people who will be paying for these losers for years to come through our student loans. They are my losers, and yours, so love them, cherish them. Be proud of them, because they are the very best Losers millions of dollars can buy.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes, A pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew, Horses cannot vomit, Rabbits cannot vomit, A whale's penis is called a dork, Swans are the only birds with penises
Martin Babitz, esq. Editor in Chief The memory of Martin Babitz, esq. will always remain in our hearts, as he was our beloved Editor in Chief and possessed our favorite cock. www.ilovemartinscock.com is the only reminder of that little red head’s sweet long Jew cock. Martin was always searching for a new experience and unfortunately this time he stumbled upon his last encounter. His lifeless body was found in a 6 year old boy’s bed. The very young boy’s name cannot be revealed, but authorities notified us that Martin died happy – his body soaked in semen, urine, and banana flavored massage oil. His young lover also died that night – a direct result of Martin inserting his enormous penis into the 6 year old boy’s anus. The boy’s rectal muscles weren’t able to stretch enough tearing his “cute-boy-ass” in half; causing quite a bit of hemorrhaging. Eventually the poor child bled to death. Our dear Martin died of pure bliss and pleasure to his penis. We’re all happy that he’s in a better place, if heaven is a place that everyone is happy, then Martin now has an infinite amount of little boys to buttfuck. We know that he’s happy and his cock is too.
... continued from previous page by a wasted mind
Which brings me to my main point, who wouldn’t like to be more intimidating? Oh, what I would give for the power to mortify everyone by my mere appearance. Remember overly crowded elevators? They suck, right? Now imagine them while being black. Suddenly there is mad room around you, while everyone else is up each others ass like frat boys on a Friday night. Booya! No other race possesses this power. To be intimidating they have to either be an obvious mafioso or sit in an Israeli tank. But black people get respect everywhere they go because fear is a higher level of respect. Mainly, the fear of a cap in your ass. With this intimidation come some innate draw backs, like the inability to catch a cab. And of course, The Man keeping you down. But who wants to be a corporate whore anyway? Especially since every time you walk into a store, they just hand over all their money before you even have a chance to tell them you are packin’ heat. Which you will be, because its an essential part of being black. You pop out of your unwed mother’s womb with a loaded beretta and a cocaine mustache. Then there is the uncanny power to walk through Newark without getting mugged, which is always nice. Us, crackers, have to kill three times as many people to get acceptance on the streets. And by the way, if i see one more white girl with cornrows i will rip every fuckin braid off your head. Now if you were black, it would be a whole different ball game. You would not only have the right hair to pull off the many cool things that black people can do with it, but you would also posess the elusive “ghetto booty”. White girls just get stuck with the saggy couch cushions with nothing to blame but their cracker ass gene pool. And why do white girls love black men? Cocks the size of coke bottles of course. It’s this blessing besides an overall aura of machismo which allows black guys to get away with not only phrases like “Come here and let me tap that ass”, but even an occasional backhand across the face. And white women will worship them anyway. To sum it up, black people rule. It’s their world and we are only inhabiting it because they have not killed us all yet. But don’t worry, they will. Cuz there is nothing that makes a black man happier then bustin caps in whitey. Except weed.
The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start.
GMG
“The right to arm bears... and have them fuck me in the ass.”
Wednesday, December 4th, 2002
by Martin Babitz, Staff ManChild GAZA CITY, Israel – In an Lord of all, and could destroy the unotherworldly response to the ongoing holy with a single thought, so it leads warfare, or religious oppression of me to ask: Why dildos?” sexuality… or something, the residents of the Gaza Strip’s largest city were baffled yesterday when a nine hour long rain of dildos fell from the sky. “First we said to ourselves, ‘finally!’ the lord has shown us his contempt with the suicide bombings of the Uprising,” said Abraham Stein, a witness to the event. “We thought he decided to rain down symbols of their perversion of life, to make a point.” Stein then looked to the sky, pondering. “But then we thought, ‘wait- that doesn’t make any sense. Why would He not just send in locusts or boils or something? He’s the
Islamic residents are equally confused. Khalid del Wahab, 15, was shopping with his mother, when an armed conflict sent the city into chaos: “Initially, when we saw the pastel objects falling from the sky, we thought “Hey! Heads up!” … that’s just a little joke, folks. But seriously, we thought those things were going to come down and strike only Jews, as punishment for their oppressive rule. Instead, those throbbing, vibrating devils struck everyone, Arab and Jew alike. Khalid’s mother, Jaina, was equally horrified. “I, myself, have a large bruise on my shoulder from when a huge lavender
be sure to check
www.themedium.net for updates over winter break
“double-dong” struck me down. I do not remember much after that, but the doctors say I may have been struck 30-40 times. Should I repent for this?”
This is the third event in recent months to send holy scholars reeling, following October’s applesauce tidal wave in Kashmir, and September’s dolphin tornado over New York.
Come to the medium meeting tonight at 9:30... it’s the last of the year so suck it up and find us in front of the Livingston Student center.
Group to Show Video about Rape, Many male students come due to confusion By: Michael Stanley In an effort to educate the general public regarding the consequences of rape in society
"Las Vegas Strip" by Alexander The Poet Ever since birth, I knew If I wanted sex, Could get it from hooker Right in, Las Vegas I saved up my money, I know what I want, The answer is easy, A five dollar cunt I may sound so foolish To find them on Strip But fuck it, I'm Jewish And I want them cheap My dick always gets hard Seeing a showgirl I know, with my comp card, Head, is possible
"Pissing In The Snow" by Alexander The Poet Did anyone of you know?, I like to piss in the snow Cause when I piss in the snow, From white, it turns to yellow When most kids think of snowballs, I just think of urine stalls Urine helps, it does the trick Makes snow gone, it's acidic So if you see, yellow snow I pissed in it, so you know
“Old Roommate” by Kind Bud
Excalibur looks cute Luxor looks alright there once was a kid from rutgers But where's my prostitute?, who smoked blunts with all the slut whores To blow me all night? All night, at the table Losing in blackjack, I no longer able To afford, whore crack But I know, that each year, I will book a trip And try to get laid here, The Las Vegas Strip
forgot a slipper for his little skipper and then went and contracted a killer
when he found out he wanted to slap her but instead drowned her in the crapper cops came six days later saying hey yo and six years later he died in jail a kid from rutgers
a student organization publicly played the documentary named “Rape Is”. To the amazement of the organization holding the viewing, the room was filled to twice its legal capacity. Much of the audience was male, which was another surprise to the organization holding the event assuming a predominantly female audience. All was going well until the video took a disheartening turn as the video began to depict a young woman being raped by an older man. At this point the crowd became quite raucous and the videotape was stopped to discipline the unruly individuals. When asked to comment on the first altercation Katheryn Youderman, a bystander said, “The room was calm and everyone was attentive but once the act of rape was depicted on the screen many of the males in the audience began to laugh, hoot, holler and cheer. I don’t get it, why show up and ruin something that’s mean to be educational?” At this point, the speaker, Lisa Robertson, a proponent of equal women’s rights began to yell at the crowd in order to attempt to regain control. Control was restored to the classroom until the end of the presentation when there was a question and answer session began. This was when the rowdy male gang began to argue with the speaker defending the rapists in the movie. One student who identified himself as Tom said “Well, it was quite obvious that she wanted to be raped, she drank, dressed like a whore and basically had his balls in her mouth. How could he resist her, she was attractive and all over him.” Tom began to high-five fellow males while the remaining female jaws dropped awaiting the response from Lisa, the speaker. Lisa responded, “She was all over him, because she was practically blacking out, she needed help and was trying to get help from him! And that comment about his testicles, he forced himself upon her! Are you really this dense to be thinking this?” At this point the speaker’s eyes began to tear. She continued, “Rape is a serious thing, this isn’t something you can joke about, every 12.6 minutes a woman receives unwanted sexual advances and every six seconds a male thinks about sex.” Then another male responded a fraternity brother, he identified himself as Troy C. and said “Women always want it, if they didn’t want it they wouldn’t tease men, and they wouldn’t put themselves into situations where they’re alone with guys!” Troy added “Sanchez and his friends of the “Bang Bus” are able to show the true side of women as complete whores, they’ll do anything for money just like the sluts here at Rutgers.” (continued on next page)
Wednesday, December 4th, 2002
FEATURES
“It’s cool to give your baby sister a golden shower”
This Was Supposed To Be A Personal
To The Fucking Review
Hello again, First-Years! I know it's been a while since my last article. I hope you've survived OK without me since then and I'll do my best to share some more of my wisdom in next semester's Mediums. This week's message is a simple one: fuck 'em when you get the chance. This catchy phrase could mean a world of joy for you and someone special, but if could also mean a lot of problems, so read carefully. Of course I'm talkin' about slappin' Super-Duper Senior is skins, knockin' boots, making the beast with two backs, etc. a super-duper hunk Basically, if you've got the hots for someone that you're "just friends" with and you suspect that you might be able to get some play, go for it. A few years back I had a pal I'll call Sarah. Some of my friends told me that it looked to them like she was interested in me but I didn't believe the hype. Sure, she was hot but I just wasn't up to puttin' the moves on her. Since then she's graduated and we've sort of drifted apart. I can't help but think that the worst thing that would have happened if I'd tried to jump her bones would be that we would have stopped being friends, which is where we're at right now. I guess you could say that it goes back to what I said in my first article about how most friendships don't last forever. Unless you see this person as a life-long friend, why not try and get in the sheets with them? Of course, I'm not talking about forcing or even coercing someone into it. And save your GHB for family reunions. You want a nice, easy way to give it a try? Take advantage of your good friend, booze! You and your buddy can get some drinks, then when you're feeling drunk enough go ahead and put the moves on her. It gives you plausible deniability and it's why we have booze in the first place. If you're not up to boozing, then maybe try dancing, you can blame it on the heat of the moment (yes, the classic Asia song) and say you were overwhelmed by Celine's voice or something. But once again, if she says "No," BACK OFF. You can still salvage your awkward friendship if you show her some respect. The cool thing about this is that it could lead to better things with this friend. I'm not just talking about lots of sex, I'm talking a closer and deeper friendship and maybe even a full fledged relationship. I met my girlfriend by taking a chance even though she was involved at the time with someone else. Turns out she wasn't as involved as I thought she was and we've been much happier since then.
(VIDEO, from prev. page) A chilling silence came over the crowd. At this point Lisa Robertson began to cry, and she asked, “Why did you come here to ruin this educational experience?” Out of the crowd a student responded “There were posters up promoting the viewing of a movie called “Rape is…fun”, I was told it was the newest installment of the Bang Bus and Backroom Facials, I guess we were wrong…” At this point every male member left the room except one, he was applauded for staying, but the group was surprised when he asked, “Can we watch that last scene again? I got so hot during that, and I just found my tissues.”
Comics
The moral of this story is that regret is a REAL bitch. You don't want to be thinking about What Could've Been for the rest of your life so go ahead and take some chances. Best of luck and I'll see you next year!
“I don’t care if you could fit it in your ass... I’ve had three rhinos.” Daddy, Daddy! Can I have a hummer?
No son, but be a good boy and give Daddy one.
You were talking about the car?
Ten minutes later ...
Looks like it’s back to jail for me....
Goodbye
by Super-Duper Senior
by A Wasted Mind So I picked up your paper the other day and now I see why The Medium hates you. No amount of shit talking about how pretentious you are could have prepared me for this. I saw an article titled “Tarantino wants your 9 dollars” or something to that affect and I was curious what your take on him was. What a lonely lonely pretentious man you must be Mr. Author. I’m sorry I cannot remember your name, but I’m not reading the review ever again, so I guess this is how I’ll have to address you. It’s amazing how incredibly self-deluded you are, I bet when you were looking through the thesaurus, cashing in on every 50 cent word possible, you though you were creating something of value. Too bad there is a world of difference between being eloquent and being a pompous ass, which you clearly are. I’m glad to see that there is someone at Rutgers who knows his vocabulary, but dude, before you start writing for a magazine, you gotta have something to say first. You have apparently mistaken education for intelligence. You may have the first one, but you have the intelligence of patio furniture. You have mindlessly memorized every word in the dictionary, but you have not had a worthwhile or original thought in your entire article and probably life. Big words by themselves do not qualify as good writing. What makes a writer is his content, not how expansive his lexicon is. You have used 50 different words, but all of them came down to the same thing. You called Tarantino a lardass. This same argument has been made in The Medium in a much funnier and accessible form. Simply “fat people aren’t people”, which captures the whole essence of your obnoxious condescending 2 page tirade which might explain why people actually read The Medium. All other points you were trying to make get lost in your rant against fatties. I don’t know what you were trying to do, solidify your egalitarian status as a pseudo-intellectual or try to remove yourself from the mentally inferior masses of Rutgers. If it’s the second one, then you have succeeded, you are part of the illustrious few - sitting in your dark coffee shoppes (what the fuck is a shoppe, anyway), listening to bad poetry and wallowing in your superiority. All you people fucking do is wail about how no one understands you, but you are sooooooo much smarter then them. You think you are too deep for us morons. You’re not deep at all, you are just as shallow as the people you try to separate yourself from, if not more so. You try to disguise it with long convoluted sentences, but for those of us who can understand what you are saying, your stupidity shines through. Your self-indulgent thesaurus-worshiping disguise falls to show someone who is insecure, angry, and devoid of any and all understanding. You’re an insipid moron filling pages with nonsensical drivel that is as pointless as it is drawn out. All the vocab in the world cannot cover the fact that you are full of shit. I fucking hate all you beatnik-wannabes with your teen angst bullshit. Get over yourself! If you want people to read your shit don’t call them idiots in your paper. It seems wrong to bring up Shakespeare so out of context, but it came to mind after I finished your thesaurus-raping review of the only good film maker left in this country. “It is a tale Pictured above are the fathers of multiple told by an idiot. Full editors for “The Review”. When asked if they of great sound and were happy to have had children they re- fury. Signifying nothsponded with a hearty thumbs down. ing.” Exeunt.
ARTS
“My Sexy Kwanzaa Body!”
Show Review By Paul, Staff Milton Cex/Stars As Eyes/Numbers/Black Dice, Nov. 22, Knitting Factory, NYC Cex is one of my favorite electronic musicians of the past few years. He goes beyond all the boring laptop dorks who make pretentious computer music and pass it off as “intelligent”. His music is abstract, but by no means inaccessible. And for his live show, instead of just playing MP3s off his laptop and passing it off as a performance as so many other electronic musicians do, he takes the mic and rants and freestyles, encouraging audience par ticipation. Lately, however, he’s been taking his rapping skills more seriously, and his latest album, “Tall Dark And Handcuffed”, is pretty much a hip-hop album, and his live set now is much less spontaneous and exciting. Go to his website at www.rjyan.com (yeah, he spells his first name with a silent J for whatever reason) and download the live set from April of last year. Absolutely classic. So i actually saw this guy last week, and i was kind of disappointed. He doesn’t rant or freestyle as much, and he relies on album material (or future album material) instead of mostly unreleased songs, and his new songs aren’t as good. Oh well. I guess I’ve just been out of touch with hip-hop lately or something. He’s still pretty fun, though, and definitely a far cry from most music labelled hip-hop these days. I got a chance to talk with him afterwar ds, and he’s incredibly nice, and really smart too. I got him to sign my copy of his previous album, “Oops I Did It Again”, and commented that it has the best album art ever. Which it does, seriously, go buy it and find out why. I wish I could’ve talked to him more, though. Talking with him was more interesting than hearing his new songs... Anyway, besides Cex, a few other bands played. Stars As Eyes were first. They’re basically two guys that play various synths and electronics. They started out pretty interesting, with some melodic ambient stuff, not unlike Boards Of Canada... but after that, one of the guys picked up a guitar and started singing, and he sounded pretty lame and the guitar didn’t add much to the music. Later they sounded like they were trying to attempt some sort of My Bloody Valentine type noise squall, but instead of approaching something resembling a melody it just ended up being really noisy and annoying. So I wasn’t too into their set. After them was Numbers, who I had the least expectations of out of all of the bands, and I ended up being really surprised at how good they were. They’re basically a robotic art-punk band with a guy on guitar, a girl on drums, and a guy playing a Moog. The easiest bands to compare them to would be Gang Of Four, Devo, early Talking Heads, etc. They were just incredibly fun and if i had money afterwards I might’ve bought their cd. After them was Cex, and after that was Black Dice. They started out pretty interesting, with a huge crescendo, and eventually the drummer started playing some really fast tribal beats, and it was pretty interesting... But after that, they just started getting noisier and noisier, and my ears just couldn’t take it. So I left, found Cex and talked to him, and then left for the subway. And I’m glad I left when I did because I made it to Penn Station 25 minutes before the last train to New Jersey came... So anyway. It was an OK night overall, but not what I would’ve expected.
Wednesday, December 4th, 2002
A Note From Arts
This semester has been fun, kids. I hope you’ve all learned something. You should now be able to point out Fat Jennies and Fat Debbies on the streets, and maybe, just maybe, you can tell the difference between the two. You can spot Black Sam at the bus stop on George St., and boys, you know it’s rude to ejaculate on/in a girl without her permission. Girls, you know that when you and your boyfriend are making love from behind, and if he “knocks on your doo-doo door” without asking, you have the right to punch him in the face. So I leave you with one last thing before we finish out for the semester.
Winter Wear at RU:
1. Sorostitues: I know how much you like to show off your ribcages, but you’ll catch pneumonia in your belly rings if you don’t cover up. Arts really does care about sorostitutes - who would she threaten to beat up at parties if it weren’t for them? So girls, for that “Snow Bunny Slutty” look, maybe you should try skintight sweaters this season. Helpful hint - they also hide the lipo scars! 2. Fat Jenny: PUT ON SOME REAL CLOTHES! Respectable fat girls are tired of seeing your disgusting blubbery back fat all over the place! You don’t belong in tight spandex pants and turtlenecks! I’m telling you bitches once and for all! 3. Dirty Hippies: We’re all getting really, really tired of you guys. It’s time for real shoes. Would it kill you to wear sneakers? Dude, the animal’s already dead, get over it and get over yourselves. And PLEASE wash out those awful “white people dreadlocks.” 4. Foreign Kids: This is America. I’ve said it a million times. You can’t wear sandals year round. 5. Artsy Fartsy Pretentious Assholes: T-Shirt + Scarf + Hat + $5.00 cup of coffee does NOT equal a coat. Your friends lied, it’s not a cool look. Stay Warm, Play Rugby, and Viva Le Medium! Love, Arts Turkish Women Love Tarkan.
Every Woman Loves the Asian Prince.
You missed the chance to
Submit to Arts! better luck next semester, focker!
Last Issue 2002
To the PHAT house (rachel, christine, vanessa, rosanne) on wyckoff street: It’s only time before I strike again. Every night I watch you from the windows. I will get you all!! Me and my army of fellow squirrels will tear through your house and poop everywhere!! Muwahaha! Dear Danny, You red-headed piece of crap. I hate your fucking guts. You might just be the worst fucking roommate in the history of stupid redheaded roommates. You say the dumbest things and cause moments more awkward than accidentally walking into your house to find your mom fucking your grandpa. I hope you get leprecy in your ugly face, you tangarine looking bastard! P.S. You can’t play football either. Learn to catch the football BEFORE you run with it, you cockmaster. Also, you make jokes about little black midgits? I’d rather father an army of 800 little black thieving midgits than have a son like you. EAT SHIT AND DIE. (Sounds like somebody has a lot of pent up misdirected hostility [that’s what you’ve got see?] Seems like this roommate is a huge loser, much like many of the roommate we will get while here. Remember, don’t be a pussy tell him you don’t want to room with him next year!) to all you frat brothers out there. i can’t believe people actually look up to you guys. i mean, you all must have been the fags and losers that everyone made fun of in high school. it’s funny to watch you decide who is allowed into your parties because if it were me out there i definitely wouldn’t let any of you ugly, pathetic, cock sucking dicks in. when frats were first created there must have been a rule that said every frat brother must be a repulsive human being in order to pledge, cause God knows I have not seen one good looking guy yet. thank goodness there is such a thing called beer-goggles cause ladies, take it from me...you will need them! (Now see, frat guys are huge losers from the personals that have been sent in. BUT if they are such losers, why are you hooking up with them. I hope you enjoy some nice STIs. Now frat guys get with dirty whores from RU, and they have diseases, you’re fucked! Haha!)
“Who wants to download windows drivers on Christmas Day???” to the guy that lives next door to me. everytime time i see you i want to get my strap on out of the closet and do you like it’s my major. and when you talked to me today, i wasn’t listening...i just thought about how good my masterbation session was the night before when i watched you change through the small hole i was able to drill in my wall. you are in the shower right now and i can’t wait to go for another round. thank you for being my neighbor. (You sound just like Mr. Rogers and do you know what he did? He was a kid toucher, and that’s fucked up! I guess you’re one of those kind of people, I bet you live in Demarest) Hey Everybody from C-Town who read this online every Wednesday. I’m glad you like the paper because it’s the best paper at the RU. Fuck all those other stupid shitty papers, none of you are decent and majority of you are bi-weekly, yeah and bi-sexual since you can’t get any decent member of the opposite sex. Enjoy a life of being inadequate for the rest of your life! Die Fagshitters! (I can actually now say that I know where Fagshitter came from, South Park. Try to be original next time, or atleast give credit where credit is due) To the STUD at the Easton Ave gym. You are so fucking gorgeous. How did anyone create such a fine speciman as yourself? I want your cock in my mouth and your finger up my ass every time I see you pump that iron. I want you to pump me up so hard that I cream my sweats. Meet me in the locker room Tuesday morning so your penis can meet my vagina. I’ll be looking for your red and gray Adidas sneaks. Don’t stand me up because this will be the greatest fuck you ever had! (Now see, this seems cool but the funny thing is, this was sent from a guys e-mail address so he mailed it to himself or he is a transsexual) I wanted to give a quick thanks to all the people that have helped me put together the personals this year. John, Zlata, Brian, Ned, Cameron, Jim, Bryan and Carol!
Dear my special lady (Sarah) from ZTA, thanks for the raw sex we had two saturdays ago. Not wearing a condom made it that much better...but, I have to warn you that you now have herpes. You should also have an HIV test when you get around to it. With Love, Your Romeo (Wow! What a surprise! Well, special lady from ZTA, That’s what happens when you choose to have relations with people from RU. I can bet you that he got it from some other Sorostitute, or even you gave him an STI or two) pissing on sorority's porch = fun (Pissing on a sorostitute = more fun and costs only 3 smirnoff ices!) try not to suck too many dicks walking through the parking lot. -dante (Hey asshole! If you’re gona quote a good movie, quote it right “Try not to suck ANY dick on your way through the parking lot!”, how about this, next time you go and copy the quote from the IMDB? Stupid ass!)
To the sorostitutes: Why are you all trashy, dirty, whores. I fucked one of you gamma phi’s last week, now my dick looks like it is going to fall off. Learn how to keep your leg’s closed because your cooch smells worse than your asshole after a big shit. (I don’t know how many times I have to say it, the girls here aren’t clean. They are whores and have diseases, if you fuck girls at Rutgers, you risk having your dick fall off) To the Juvenile haters on my floor: You’ve got to be some of the most annoying bitches I’ve ever had to deal with, I think it’s hillarious that somebody drew all over your ugly ass pictures. Do us all a favor and shut the FUCK UP! Man, coming back to Rutgers after a great break really does suck. Classes are over on the 11th and I can’t wait at all! End of classes means break, which will mean X-mas is here!
to that girl on the soccer team who’s also in my logic class, holy shit you are so fuckin hot...i want to stick my dong in your ass...take it out...and put it back in again...over and over again...then i’ll take you home to my girlfriend and i’ll watch you 2 lube each other up with coconut oil and ram old english bottles up each other ’s snatches...yummyy...snatch... guy... (Now, moving your small penis in and out of a females orafice is known as sex, I guess you’ve never done that before. Now also if those two girls can ram OE bottles up their snatches, that would be rather, shocking. As a friend once said “it’s like throwing a dime into the Grand Canyon”) To my fuckhole roommate, you are a waste of space. You act as if the world revolves around you and that your shit doesn’t stink. GET A FUCKING CLUE no one likes you! The only difference between you and a bucket of shit is the fucking bucket. Learn how to deal with your stress just like the rest of us and stop with this self-pity kindergarten bullshit. Also, if I have to see your mom one more time I’m going to skull fuck her after I’m done senselessly beating you. DIE NOW OR GET KILLED! Single White Nympho 5’6 120 with 36D breasts, looking for man with at least average or larger size cock for long sexual escapades. Must be open to suggestions and willing to satisfy my carnal desires. Those who think they are man enough to handle me send emails to NYMPHO69@playful.com. This is not a joke, serious replies only. (Now see the joke is that she’s 5’6” 120 kilograms not pounds, that’s why she didn’t say pounds!)
PERSONALS PERSONALS to all the separatist mexic fucks on the third floor of frelinghuysen...why is it that every time anyone gets on that elevator, one of you have to pop on with your greasy, nasty shit soaked selves, singing/ whistling, and thinking that you are the shit where in fact the feces in my toilet earns more respect as it plunged down to a place higher than you...then again, why the fuck do you have your own floor...the annoyance of the world accumulates on that fucking floor...and if hear any more stories about jennifer lopez or some ‘latin party’ or ‘how latin people smell like donkey dick’...in fact, i want to hear how her acting career is based on jockeying p. eepee didddee dooodaa’s dick and ben affleck’s peter popper...and what the fuck is up with that one kid who is as fat as jabba the fucking hutt and has the mouth of a skank fish gill?? not only do i have to share a dormitory with you fucks,! an elevator, but i also have to look at your over-flowing obesity from the alienated (new minority) gringo (So much hostility, and it’s so misdirected! Misdirected Hostility, that’s what you’ve got see?) What the fuck is up with naming Tim Brown player of the game on MNF? What the fuck did he do, catch his 1000th catch? Wow, yes it is amazing but it had NO impact on the game. Madden was busy talking about Tuducken, and other food , while stuffing his fat fucking face while Al Michaels buttered rolls for him. JD - Before you know it, Christmas will be here and it’ll be great. I can’t wait until my finals are over! Rutgers Offense, at one point the average gain on a rush was 23 inches! RU FB SUCKS!
Be sure to stop by the last Medium meeting this semester. We’ll be infront of the LSC at 9:30PM on Wednesday then we’re having elections. Winners of elections get an all expense paid trip to the spot above!
PERSONALS PERSONALS
“A pretty plane crash to me and I can’t care, I do I don’t whatever!”
To pussies who get offended My birthday happens to land I figured since 311 is my favorite band I’d have to ref- over stupid shit and for other on April 14th, Wack! erence them a few times in people, get a damn life. Worry to all guys: if a girl gets drunk the last issue as an Editor. about your own problems and and decides to relax a bit, it To that bastard who promised keep your nose out of other does not give u the right to grab me he’d visit over the break. I people’s asses and business. her and pinch her. When she knew you wouldn’t. You bas- To all the hypocrites out there, sobers up and says you have tard. practice what you preach, and no right do grab as you have stop bitching about shit that you dear ant, how come you can done, do not tell her it was her are a major part of. For the get so much pootie tang but own fault that she got felt up bitches and whores that always you rejectin it like its yo job. because she placed herself just say ‘hey, please insert my talk about their boyfriends who around guys. That is no excuse live far away, we do not give a wang in yo mouth, please’ (Look, if you’re gonna be a and see what happens. don’t rats ass about them especially when you come to us and ask sorostitute you can’t pick and be shy, playa gotta play nah us to bail them out of prison. choose which parts of the life mean? else we’ll think ya So everyone who was ofyou’re gonna have. This is take it jeep liberty style. -a fended by this can go screw your life: you’re stupid and concerned citizen irresponsible, you get drunk, (Calm down there Mr. themself with a fork. and you get raped. Thats Ghetto... let the man do what (Hey fuckface, practise what how it goes. You have no he’s gotta do.) YOU preach, and stop options and it IS your fault.) dear abbie hoffman wanna-be bitching.) umm, i like the err girls, I who was protesting outside of I'm demanding the wymin's that MEAN WOMEN... that brower on wednesday. why do are gorgeous with over-flowwould like to eh, go out wit a you protest, the chicks aren’t ing boobs. As long as you stay lonely guy like myself. I like the even hot anymore and they quiet when i have my ways with long walks on the beach, film- don’t put out and they don’t do you, nobody's gonna get hurt. ing amatuer porno, and candle-lit drugs. so lose the fro and Particularly you. YOU ALSO dinners. Call my phone, or sunglasses and kill yourself. i HAVE TO HAVE A PERrather if i'm not there, it would mean, kill yourself. i mean. yea. FECT FACE AND BODY! be pointless since i'm usually wanna-be trick ass biatch. My mom says that my weight not at my place, then call my dead new jersey, why are problem and lazy eye shouldn't cell phone. Actually forget that, you so dirty sometimes. lately cause any problems when i I keep forgetting what that i’ve been picking my nose take advantage of girls. She number is and i'd have to call more than ever, at least eight showed me by playing with my my ex to get it since she was times a day. please get pee-hole and letting me put it the only one who had it and my cleaner air. -adp in her. So call me for a great phone can't tell me the number. (I think it’s supposed to read time. Ya know what, i'm always “dear new jersey...” Not To all the girls at around the campus near the being from this state, I must L I C K I N C O C K girls, I MEAN WOMEN'S say it really fucking sucks You fuckin suck. Ive never locker room near the window here. You see, I’m from New seen an uglier group of rugwith the crack in it. York, and we’re a step above munchers since the last time I s just paying respects to tony you on cleansiness, as we ate at Cooper. One of you in t yayo, all 7 of you. glow you are ship OUR garbage to YOU. particular....the ugly little blond a not cool stop nairing your taint. Enjoy, fuckers.) n troll-looking freak on the first rutgers is WHACK! the yayo floor; die bitch. No one likes is BANGING! word up to B. CARDO: (12/5/02) you you so just do the world a favor is Louis leave my cat alone he is deserve so much more than any and drink some draino. not available. sugar you are gift that I could ever get you. Actually, funnel some dreain, it t king of all lipids. rutgers can On your birthday know that i would be a lot funnier. And h bang my mom in the ass and i love you with all of my heart, while your at it convince some e wont give a fuck, Dolf TKE and forever I will try to give you of your ugly dyke friends to called they want their hair style all the wonderful things that you jump off a really tall building. m back. frosty you are gayest deserve. Baby, Happy 19th But before you let those fatties a cockmaster and your love for Birthday, I hope that you have jump, tell me so I can watch n dinks is unsurpassable. theo a great day <3 and here’s a and jerk off in anticipation. And good quote from a good loves heather! while Im at it, the sign in girls at (I sure am glad this guy took English man: “I hope you don’t your dorm can eat my dick and a moment to remove the mind that I put down in words, die.....cuz they are almost as cock from his mouth and how wonderful life is while much a waste of air as you are write in... it saved me a lot you’re in the world” - shelly you busted ass, vegan sausageof effort to make a personal (On his birthday, he’s bangin’ loving, Dykeless slutbag up. What am I talking someone else. Trust me on failures at life. Thats it, you guys about? Im sure he left the this one.) really blew it. And cock in.) To that long, dark (reddish) unfortunately you only get 1 dear michael jackson, i can’t color haired girl that moved chance. If the devil is a lesbiab wait until your baby can hold here to Busch: Who is that hot Ill see all of you in Hell. you over a ledge and drop you. guy you’re with sometimes? I Love,Lickincock hater #1Top you need to die. now. seriously. think i heard you call him of Form 1 die now. do it for your kids and Chris...Me, you, and him (Holy shit. You are making my bubbles. -peta should get together and have job so much easier. Keep it (Amen) up.) some fun!
Wednesday December 4th, 2002
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This toddler sent in its personals to The Medium and look at what it got as a surprise. If you are over 18 years of age and want “tobacco” rolled in paper, come to the last meeting of the year, bitch! Brian a frat brother from Zeta Psi has a severe case of Gonerea. All Girls stay away from him unless you you want to share his disease. If you are curious as to how he contracted it, he slept with the same girl three times after he knew she had it the first time they had sex. Not to mention the last time they had sex he couldn’t get it up. Oh and the best part is that the girl is one of his friends girlfriends. So if a guy who introduces himself to you as Mr. Virgina starts talking to you keep it the way if you don’t want gonerea. (A frat brother with an STD!?!?! No way, frat guys don’t have any kind of STD’s they are squeaky clean. I can honestly say that I have never met a frat that has an STD) juventas shaved his pubes. (thank you for that insightful knowledge.) to those bitches in the triple and that silly fuck from flordia who think they are sooo good at twisted metal...your day will come! mark my words, you rue the day you crossed me, Axel will destroy all!!!! (I can guarantee this none of these guys are going to get laid anytime soon.) If Rutgers was an all-male school, that would be so much cooler. Then, us guys wouldn’t have to worry about girls and could solely concentrate on school work. (Okay everybody, on the count of three: 1,2,3 FAG!!!)
Any of you mother fuckersout there who are in the rutgers computer lab playing mother fucking video games. there really are people trying to work on those computers. I don’t need your lazy ass playing and watching porno as I’m waiting there while that fucking french lab technician laughs in my face. all you assholes, including that french guy can go straight to hell!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Exclamation Points?????? ?????????????????????? To those fucking DKE Fags! You guys throw the lamest parties. I went to one, and all I sawwere drunk guys all over the place. And in my opinion if you’re going to be the homosexual frat on campus you might want to make your brothers at least somewhat good-looking, like the rest of the gay community. (If you think that’s bad, you should see what SQUAM does with a case of ping pong balls.) Pat, Tina, De Paul, and Kimmy are the coolest kids I know. The three guys should all just gang bang Tina until she turns blue on every orafice of her body. That is all To that Asian Oliver in Quad 1. Hi, I’m that girl you had sex with Tuesday night. You’re penis really needs to grow, it is exetremely small. (Yeah, it never is a good thing when he’s climaxing and you didn’t even know he was in yet...)
Wednesday, December 4th 2002 To the girl who looks exactly like Natalie Portman, who got on an EE outside of Katzenbach a few Thursdays ago: Email me please. I want to see you naked. pejim1@aol.com cool dipshit. Your sausagefest poker nights are fucking gay too. I’m gonna break into your room, smash your computer, and shit on your bed. And don’t blame who I know you’re gonna blame for this, I’m writing this for her, my, and everyone else on this floors benefit. FUCK YOU ASSHOLE To Brian in Livingston...fuck you. How old are we now, 20 going on 12? Who prank calls someone these days, you fucking immature loser. Next time you wanna be a loser, try not making it so obvious that its you, you asshole. Anyhow, don’t fuck with me. I know shit about you that i don’t think you want all of Rutgers to know about. So next time you want to be an ass, think twice about the fucking consequences, cuz as far as i’m concerned you’re nothing but a burned out loser going no where in life. Don’t try to contact me ever again because i hate you and you are nothing to me... (Seriously, who prank calls people these days? Certainly not the paragons of maturity known as the Reveiw Staff) FUCK YOU DAVE FROM UNION. You are one of the most SHADIEST, DIRTIEST, PATHETIC fucks to ever grace Earth. YOUR MOTHER SHOULD’VE BLOWN YOUR FATHER TO GET HIM OFF . . . the world might’ve been a better place . . . WHY DIDN’T YOUR PARENTS HAVE THE SELFLESSNESS TO FLUSH YOU BEFORE YOU WERE CONCEIVED? You’re dirty as fuck – WHY IS YOUR MUSTACHE IS SO FUCKING CROOKED? And WHY THE FUCK YOU ALWAYS BLASTING SOME GAY MUSIC WITH YOUR FUCKING PRINCESS LEIA HEADPHONES? WHY ARE YOU SO SHADY, YOU FUCKING LACROSSE PLAYING SCUMBAG??? (“Most shadiest”? Don’t you know that you needn’t use the word “most” with an adjective that is already superlative? Don’t they teach you kids anything in expos these days?
“How many times do I have to tell you? Fold the shirts, hang the pants.”
To the fucker who won’t let the elevator close, Didn’t your mom ever tell you to keep your fuckin skinny arms inside moving objects?? We hope the fuckin door cuts your fuckin arm off the next time you stick it out. Why don’t you take that arm and open the door to the GUYS bathroom instead of puking all over the floor of the girls bathroom?? If you like Russell Crowe so much, why don’t you just fuck him in your damn elevator...you go to every floor anyway. At least you’ll be off the boat!! And no, we won’t suck your dick!! You should just put some jeans on and FUCK OFF!! --The Low-Side Bitches (Are the “Low-Side Bitches” addicted to hallucinogens, perchance?) hello dave. we all know that you bottom for arthur. you don’t have to be embarassed about it. you should know that all of us are into uncut european cocks. specifically, in your case, belarussian. so don’t be depressed anymore and tell us all the details of your late night bedroom escapades. we all know that keeping everything inside (as arthur’s dick up your hairy ass) can be bad if you keep in in there for a really long time. so spread your ass cheeks and smile. (I don’t get it, am I smiling with my ass cheeks? Or am I just supposed to spread them and give you a nice toothy smile?) Patty Cake and Nick, you guys throw the best surprise parties ever. Thank you very much. Meow (Bark, woof, yip, quack, gobble, cluck, oink, grunt) I know people are gonna make fun of me, cause I’m just like the pussy of a man who can’t talk to the girl in his class. But seriously, people, tell me how I can talk to the guy who works in the post office? I need some help here, cause I don’t know how he’d react to, “Here’s my number. Call for ass.” Plus, there are people around... (It just so happens that I am the guy from the post office, so here’s what you do: Email pinkeyedjim@hotmail.com and give me your number, because I sure will call you for ass.) To vegetarians who wear leather jackets and shoes; fuck you, you hypocrites. I hate the sight of you, and I hope you die a slow and painful death.
george w...what the hell...i used to support you...but now you got this homeland security act being pushed...why don’t you call it the big brother act, since it records everything and anything we do...geez, you anal astronaut...for that i won’t let you suck my dick. -aol (Hey man, that’s your loss, I heard Dubya is quite good at the dick sucking.)
for FREE professional PUBIC trimmings from an azn girl, email y3krhino@yahoo.com. penis rubdowns & ball massages included. looking for jocks, muscle boys, and athletic types 2b my clients. (Wow? Professional Pubic Trimmings, and I’ve been getting my pubic trimmings from my mom for all these years. )
PERSONALS PERSONALS Evan- I know you didn’t call me over this break, but I know you’re sorry. You’ve always been a good friend of mine which I am very Thankful for, haha.. get it? Thankful, yeah whatever. I know what you’re thinking right now and NO! I won’t let you blow me, no matter how much you ask! Sorry, man, you’re a friend but I don’t do that stuff. Ask Jes.
WWJD? What Would Jim Do?
Advice from the guru of everything, and we mean everything. Send your questions, pleas, or suicide notes to pinkeyedjim@hotmail.com I’ll try to answer your questions, unless you’re fat. Or ugly. Dear Jim, I haven’t had sex in months I am a loser who lives and am begining to think the on Busch, I can’t quite get the male population has lost an hang of talking to girls. intrest in me. Could you help Especially this one in my Art me out?? History recitation. She looks “Lonely in Bed” like a Greek goddess. I want to feed her pomegranates Lonely, and fan her with palm leaves. More and more young women I’m a sick, sick man with are having your problem. The nothing to live for. What would answer is clear to me in my infiJim do? nite wisdom. I was put here to “Dicklips” from Busch ease pain and suffering, and by Campus golly, that’s what I’m going to do. From here on out, if any Well, Dicklips, your problem woman is suffering from the is simple. There are two pain of chastity, simply email possible courses of action. me with your phone number 1. Get off your ass and and I will ease your pain. go talk to her. Personally, in most cases. 2. Kill yourself, and Dear Jim, don’t forget to send Can you help me? My girlme your suicide letter. friend had a bad sex experiLots of luck, ence in the past, how can I Jim help calm her fears and trust Dear Jim, me in that matter? My good friend’s girlfriend is “Paying Someone Else’s a huge whore, and by HUGE Dues” whore I mean bigger than the biggest whores at RU. How Dear Paying, can I tell him she’s cheating The best way to get a woman on him like we all knew she used to sex again is subterfuge. would? You know, give her flowers, “Whistle Blower” take her to dinner, get her drunk, bring her home, slip her Whistle Blower, pants off, and “Whoops! Did I Do you really blow whistles? put that there? Well, since And by whistles I mean Frat we’ve already started, we may Guys. Seriously though, as the as well finish.!” I guess what old adage says, “A picture is I’m saying is: Distract her, then worth 1,000 words. Here’s slip her the boner. She’ll be what you do: back to sex in no time. Get her to give you a blowjob, Dear Jim, if she’s a huge slut like you say, I want to come out to my this should be easy. friends and famliy but I am Next, take a picture, while scared they will disown me. she’s blowing you, silly. This Any suggestions? also helps if you have a camera with a date stamp. Show Yes, just do it. So what if you the picture to your friend, and take it up the butt, you’re still he will not be your friend anyfamily. If they don’t agree, tell more. Problem Solved. ‘em I know where they live. Dear Jim,
Dear Jim, I have had a crush on your for awhle now and i was wondering if you would be willing to go out with me somtime. Please let me know. Signed, “Lover Girl” Lover Girl, I only date chicks with big boobs. Do you have big boobs? Send me a picture of your boobs. Boobs. Dear Jim, My ex girlfriend screwed me over but I have some "revealing" pictures of her. Is it ethical to post them on my college website and post links around campus? “Vindictive Bastard” Dear Bastard, I like your style. Unfortunately, there is a HUGE grey area where the posting of ex-girlfriends’ pictures are concerned. The only way to know for sure is if you send me those pictures.Send them to my email address, and after a few days, err, weeks, and some lengthy consideration I will get back to you. For now your best bet is to stick with posting her phone number in public restrooms. Or sending the most candid picture you have of her to her father. Barring this you could always just get her drunk and stick your dick in her ass. Pink Eyed Jim is a liscensed adviceologist. He has a degree in soothsaying from Howie’s University. His column appears once as this is the last issue of the semester, you schmuck. Keep sending those letters though, if the response is good enough, he’ll continue this column next semester. Just hold on.
What’s Shakin’
“touch my ass if you’re qualified”
Wednesday, December 4th, 2002
New Jersey Sat 12/7 - Splintered Sunlight - Stone Pony Sat 12/7 - The Misfits feat. Marky Ramone & Dez from Black Flag - Birch Hill Mon 12/9 - Chris Robinson of The Black Crowes - Stone Pony Tues 12/10 - Sparta, My Chemical Romance, Low End Theory - Birch Hill Tues 12/10 - The Sneaker Pimps, Ambulance - Maxwell’s Fri 12/13 - Sponge - Stone Pony Fri 12/13 - The Slackers, The Pennyroyals - Birch Hill Sun 12/15 - MC Paul Barman, Whirlwind Heat - Maxwell’s Wed 12/18 - Interpol - Stone Pony Sat 12/21 - Ill Nino, E-Town Concrete - Birch Hill Sat 12/21 - Twisted X-mas with Dee Snider - Stone Pony Sat 12/28 - Patti Smith - Stone Pony
If you did anything for this rag this semester, you can vote for next semester! Decide the fate of The Medium tonight at 9:30 outside ::wink:: the LSC.
http://www.themedium.net Have a safe, happy holiday season...
Send events to orgykarma@yahoo.com New York Wed 12/4 - Ben Folds - Beacon Theatre Wed 12/4, Thur 12/5 - Melissa Ferrick - Knitting Factory Thur 12/5 - Elysian Fields - Tonic Thur 12/5 - The Wallflowers, Ours - Irving Plaza Fri 12/6 - KC & The Sunshine Band - B.B. King Blues Club & Grill Fri 12/6 - Aimee Mann - Beacon Theatre Mon 12/9 - Bright Eyes - Bowery Ballroom Tues 12/10 - GZA - B.B. King Blues Club & Grill Thur 12/12 - SR-71 - Village Underground Fri 12/13 - Mooney Suzuki - Bowery Ballroom Fri 12/13, Sat 12/14 - Mudhoney - North Six Sat 12/14 - Mary Lou Lord - Knitting Factory Sat 12/14 - Marianne Faithfull - Irving Plaza Tues 12/17 - Rye Coalition - North Six Wed 12/18 - Common - S.O.B.’s Thur 12/26 - Hatebreed - Roseland Ballroom Fri 12/27, Sat 12/28 - They Might Be Giants - Irving Plaza Tues 12/31 - Gov’t Mule - Beacon Theatre
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Or I’ll blow your fuckin’ head off.