12/8/99

EDITORIALS

anish1@eden

Wednesday December 8, 1999 Offer expires 12/31/99

PRESENT THIS COUPON AT THE CRACKWHORE DEPARTMENT.

FIND EVERYTHING YOU NEED IN C TOWN S PET DEPARTMENT.

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THE

MEDIUM

CONTENTS

STRESSED OUT FROM EXAMS? FIND SOME RELIEF BY SHOPPING AT C TOWN’S WATERMELON AND CRACK DEPARTMENT.

The Editorial Staff Editor in Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor

Amanda Hoffman Chris Taylor Heather Thompson Anish Mehta Chris Taylor Garrett Glick John Minus

Personals Editors What’s Shakin’ Editor Staff Artist Online Editor?

Advertising Manager Senior Editor

Jason Postelnik & Mike Molino “Big” Cock DeSarnoc Mars Polar Lander Chris DeSarno Heather Thompson Anish Mehta

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the Yorba Lounge of Tillett Hall, Livingston Campus. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM L.P.O 16405 P.O Box 5064, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903-5064 or emailed to adamm@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number is (732) 445-4721. Your mom.

OPINIONS OPINIONS

In recent months, men's basketball coach Kevin Bannon has come under fire for his behavior off the court.

This summer, it was revealed that Bannon was arrested for driving under the influence after serving as a guest bartender at the Old Queens bar. Also, it was alleged that he served drinks to minors in the brief period of time he served as a bartender. However, the biggest controversy has settled over the events of a practice that occured during winter break. At one practice, Kevin Bannon held what he termed a voluntary strip free throw contest (So an act of homosexuality is worse than drinking and driving?

- Ops. ed.)). The idea was to loosen up (...his ass.... - Ops. Ed.) the practice atmosphere for the team. However, the contest upset some of the players involved, as recently, a suit has been filed by former players Earl Johnson and Josh Sankes and former student manager Juan Pla, stating that the contest wasn't as voluntary as it has been stated and that their civil rights were violated.

The people behind the suit do not the greatest credibility (The person behind this article does not have the best grammer. - Ops. Ed.).

After all, both of the players involved clearly have an ax to grind against Bannon. Sankes left the program two years ago after it was clear that he was not going to get any playing time from Bannon (Because he sucked. Or maybe he didn’t look good when he was nude. I used to live next door to him when I lived in Hardenburg two years ago, and it was amazing to see a seven foot tall basketball player with a big flabby gut. - Ops. Ed.) Johnson, who was the starting point guard before Bannon arrived, first lost his starting job to Geoff Billet. Then, after it became clear that Bannon was going to give the starting point guard spot to then-recruit Todd Billet after Geoff Billet graduated, he transfered out of the program for more playing time. One could easily say that the suit is an elaborate set-up for Sankes and Johnson to

MERRY FUCKIN CHRISTMAS

get back at Bannon for all that he did (Especially the vasoline and ferret incident in the locker room. - Ops. Ed.). However, when you look at the suit, things change drastically.

One key allegation made in the suit was that Bannon had also had strip free throw contests at his previous coaching job at Rider University. This allegation, if it is proven true, is the most shocking. Simply put, it would make Bannon look like a big pervert.

How in the world does something like this simply slip by the Athletics department? (Because they’re gay, too.

- Ops. Ed.) I would want to know if a coach I hired would be a pervert who fulfills their erotic wishes through sexually harassing their players. Even assuming that the allegations of previous strip free throw contests are false, Bannon should not be coaching right now. What should happen to him is that he should be suspended and psychologically evaluated. Kevin Bannon is not well by any stretch, and he is an embarassment on the University (at least he’s not an embarassment TO the University.

- Ops. Ed.).

This whole situation has gotten completely out of control. The athletic department has nough embarassment from (...your spelling... - Ops. Ed.) its football team to fill the embarassment quota for the department. We don't need any more foolishness. What Bannon should do is resign, or at least take a leave of abscence until the lawsuit is settled.

To have this man still coaching for us, and representing our University, is outlandish (In other words, let’s punish someone for causing controversy before actually settling any issues.

That’s always the smart thing to do.. - Ops. Ed.). Even though the people behind the suit aren't the most credible people in the world, the suit has outted Bannon as the fool he is.

To paraphrase Richard Bey (What is the true definition of a fool or an embarassment to the University A man who enjoys tall men frolicking in the nude, or a man who paraphrases Richard Bey? - Ops. Ed.), where did they find this guy?!

Wednesday December 8, 1999

NEWS

My dog fucked Mrs. Claus...or was that your dad...

Wednesday, December 8, 1999

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 Hi Rutgers Students, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121

By Amanda Hoffman 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 Thank you for participating in our new Mall Dollars 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 MEDIUM STAFF 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 Program at the Menlo Park Mall. In light of Holiday 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 WOODBRIDGE In an unprecedented move, Menlo Shopping and an effort to reach out to the Rutgers 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 Park Mall is giving away FREE MONEY to Rutgers Community, I have been authorized to implement a

By Christopher Taylor 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 students, as opposed to just exploiting them for cheap new E-Mail Rewards Systems where Rutgers Students MEDIUM STAFF 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 labor. can earn Free Mall Dollars.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 PAWTUCKET, R.I.—Hasbro, Incorporated an123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 Just in time for the holidays, students can get 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121nounced that it is recalling over 4 million copies their 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 $50 free holiday money just for adding their name to a To activate your account reply to this e-mail address: 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121board game Monopoly last Thursday. The suc123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 Menlo Park Mall mailing list. Students can increase menloparkmall@hotmail.com. Your account will be 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 cessful toymaker accidentally included American 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 their amount of free money by simply forwarding the eopened with an initial value of 50 Mall Dollars. In 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121currency instead of the smaller “Monopoly money” of 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 mail offer to other Rutgers students. Hundreds of cooperation with the Rutgers Computing Services, we 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121similar denominations with every copy of the house123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 insipid students have already taken advantage of this have implemented an e-mail-tracking program for Eden, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 hold staple.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 offer by forwarding the e-mail to everyone they ve ever Remus, Romulus, ECE, and RCI. For each student at 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 In the announcement, the president and 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 met.

Rutgers using these accounts to which you forwarded, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 COO of Hasbro Herb Baum reminded affected 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 The hi-tech super secretive device that tracks 5 additional Mall Dollars will be added to your ac123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 Monopoly owners that although they are under no all e-mail sent from Eden, Remus, Romulus, and RCI count. Since this is a limited offer, all forwards must 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 accounts is now being used in the students favor. be sent out before December 10, 1999.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121legal obligation to return the “defective” copies, he 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 would “greatly appreciate everyone’s cooperation in Instead of just using it to spy on student email, we re 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121this extremely trying time,” and that he would 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 going to all benefit from the invasion of privacy we like To redeem your Mall Dollars, simply bring a printed 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121“personally write a form letter thanking compliant 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 to call email tracking. Seventy-one, one bleary-eyed copy of this e-mail along with your valid student ID to 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 consumers” shortly after the holiday season. He 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 computer consultant blurted between wait numbers. the customer service department at the following 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 even promised that he would include a $10 gift 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 Wow, like totally.

This is awesome, like, I m participating stores: Macy s, Nordstrom, Old Navy, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 certificate for any Hasbro products with the letter. all about it.

I m gonna forward it to everyone I know!

Sterns, Abercrombie & Fitch, Lord s & Taylor, Gap, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 Hasbro expects 95% of customers would said one exuberant Rutgers College first-year that has Express, Limited, Banana Republic, Eddie Bauer, Lerner 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 return the recently purchased games because “they been living in a box behind the student center ever since New York, Victoria s Secret, LIDS, Coach, Structure, J. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 are nothing but sheep and will do anything that we his financial aid was reduced, that resulted in his Riggings, J. Crew, Aeropostale, FootLocker, Lady 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121tell them…er, rather because our customers are 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 inability to pay the outrageous Rutgers College student Footlocker, Nobody Beats The Wiz, Kay-Bee Toy Stores, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121generally very honest and giving.”

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 fee and his subsequent de-registration and eviction FAO Schwarz, Zany Brainy, The Disney Store, Freedom 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 Alan Greenspan, chairman of the Federal 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 from housing.

Travel, Firestone, and TicketCenter.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 Reserve, shouted, “Their plan will never fucking work!

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 Not everyone is happy with the free money 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 I mean, no one in their right mind is going to send give-away, as evinced by resident skeptic, Amanda Mall Dollars are good towards the purchase of non-sale 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 back thousands of dollars to these fucks at Hasbro Hoffman.

That s a load of crap, just like the Nike items and cannot be cashed or refunded.

Totals sale 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 just because they tell them to.” When told that giveaway and the Microsoft beta test of the email of items cannot exceed 700 Mall Dollars and minimum 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 tracker there is no Menlo Park Mall anyway get several hundred copies of Monopoly have already purchase must be $50.

Offer expires December 23, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 away from my car!

I said to myself before smashing 1999. been returned with the money, Greenspan began 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 my head into a brick wall. screaming, “Jesus Fucking Christ! Do ya see? The 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 For those of us less cynical, here is the free Mark Yolenski economy is going to go to shit because of stupid 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 money e-mail students can use to milk Menlo Park Mall Menlo Park Mall people!”

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 for free holiday gifts. Happy shopping. Be sure to Baum issued a statement to the public 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 check out the candles and picture frames department in Guess what? After e-mailing the Menlo Park Mall (story left), early Monday morning, stating, “American consum123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 you can cut along the dotted line (above) and bring the letter 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 Sterns this lovely holiday season. ers, I plead you to heed our recall statement. If you 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 to the participating stores to receive the $50 store credit!

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121do not, I fear that soon I shall be without a job.

Free Mall Dollars at Menlo!

Monopoly Contains Real Money

Don t look for the fnords. You won t find them here.

Think of the children.”

A Word about Submissions

to attend the FINAL Medium meeting this Wednesday, November 8th (tonight!) at 9:30, in the Livingston Student Center, meeting room 113. ALL are welcome. Elections will be held. If you ve had at least one submission (text, graphic, or otherwise) printed in our glorious cunt-rag, you re eligible to vote. If you ve had two submissions printed, you re eligible to run for office. A special surprise will be administered to any first-timers in the crowd. Come early for favorable seating.

I used to believe that Medium readers don t read NEWS, and that my submission level has dwindled to nearly nothing is a direct result. It has recently come to my attention, however, that the loyal Medium readers often do read my pages, and that a major reason why would be writers do not act (aside from the usual laziness factor), is that the do not understand the process of submitting articles as well as I had hoped.

If you want to submit an article to NEWS, or indeed any section, the best way to transmit the text and/or graphics is to e-mail them to the editors. The e-mail addresses of each of the editors are located (almost always) somewhere on their pages. Usually I will put mine atop the second page within the banner, as well as within a filler box located in the content portion of the pages. My e-mail address, for the purposes of Medium submissions, is naziphallus@hotmail.com and, because I get so few submissions, you would be almost guaranteed to be printed. (However, do not take this to be an invitation to write unfiltered dribble for submission. While I would more likely than not print your article, it may undergo a heavy editing process and/or may be accompanied by scathing editorial comments. Give your articles some thought, please.)

Keeping in mind that this is, unfortunately, the last issue of the semester, most of the above information will only be of use next semester. However, should you find yourself needing a break from studying during finals, submissions will always be welcome, and will be printed in our first issue of the spring.

Thank you for reading,

Christopher Taylor, News Editor

naziphallus@hotmail.com

Catholic Conspiracy Abruptly Ends Chanukah

By Christopher Taylor MEDIUM STAFF VATICAN Pope John Paul II announced early this morning that the Jewish holiday Chanukah s sixth, seventh and eighth days have been cancelled due to a lack of worldwide interest. The Vatican justified the holiday s truncated period by claiming that, the number of Jews throughout the world has diminished in recent years, and Chanukah is a silly holiday, anyway.

Various bishops throughout Christendom are urged to encourage local synagogues to celebrate Christmas, in an effort to not disrupt territorial economies planned holiday rush. After all, said

Pope and friends enrage Jews for only second time this decade. Or third. Or eighteen thousandth. I keep losing track, don t you?

NEWS

naziphallus@hotmail.com

Bishop Carlos Belo of East Timor, businesses are counting on the increased shopping at the year s end, and we would not want to jeopardize their position.

A number of Jewish leaders gathered in Jerusalem shortly after the announcement had been made to complain about the Pope s power. We have worked so hard to come up with a legitimate holiday in December, so that we can compete with these Christians, y know. And now this guy with a funny hat in Italy can close us down?

Something s gotta give, y know? shouted Rabbi David Rosen, the director of the Israel office of the Anti-Defamation League.

So far there has been no public statement from the world s Jewish leaders, who have so far only agreed that there was little chance of agreeing. Several fights have broken out between several of the more powerful factions, leading many to believe that Chanukah is, indeed, going to consist of only five days this year.

Billy Cohen, a six year old of Jewish descent living in New Brunswick s other side of the tracks district, wailed to strangers on George Street, No! No! Bloody Pope can t take away my best presents. I m gonna kill him! Commentators suspect that Cohen, having little experience in assassination, delivered an empty threat, and so did not remove his brain with a straw.

photo by John Steiglitz

Blind Man Sees When Doctor Removes Burlap Sack

Johann Sebastian, asking for some bills...all he gets are some powerful pills...

Wednesday, December 8, 1999

By Christopher Taylor MEDIUM STAFF NEW BRUNSWICK Johann Sebastian, one of the many New Brunswick homeless, had been nearly blind for as long as he could remember. He has, for the past few decades, been a professional panhandler, viciously guarding his territory, the section of George Street between Bayard and Patterson Streets. Due to his lack of sight, however, Sebastian has been constantly plagued by those roughand-tumble crackheads stealin my space.

Last Friday saw a significant improvement of his situation. Philanthropic members of the Robert Wood Johnson Hospital staff took it upon themselves to provide care, free of charge, to the New Brunswick s poverty-stricken disabled. Doctor Jorge Garcia, one of the humanitarian physicians, literally stumbled upon Sebastian in front of the store formally known as Pyramid Books.

The guy was sitting there with a sign that said, help me, i m blind, in grotesque mottled letters. I took an interest in the fellow when I realized that his blindness may have a simple cure, said Garcia.

Sebastian felt a weight lifted off his head and a sharp pain enter his brain. I was thinking, what the fuck! when the doctor removed the bag. It was such a fucked up feeling for light to be entering me, Sebastian exclaimed.

I removed the burlap sack that had covered his entire head. The homeless man before me reeled in pain, most likely because of the years during which his eyes had received almost no stimulation, said Garcia.

After some initial adjustment, however, the man was perfectly fine.

After sitting there for a minute or so, I realized that my livelihood had just went into the toilet. I mean, how much can I expect to get from random passersby without some sort of malady, said Sebastian.

Onlookers were surprised to witness the recently healed Sebastian kicking the shit out of the benevolent doctor. He was saying shit like, Fucking doc, whatcha goin and doin dat fer? and My head is fuckin freezin , and the light is too pissin bright. Crazy shit didn t know what a good thing the doc did fer him, said witness John Burghal.

Having regained his sight, Sebastian was surprised to discover that New Brunswick, being the county seat and housing the courthouse, is filled with lawyers. Hot damn, what luck! I m gonna sue this motherfucker.

After all, it is the American way.

The Bill of Rights A Ten Week Series Week Eight

There once existed two roommates, living together in a college dormitory. One day, one of the roommates was sleeping with his testicles exposed. The other happened upon him. He was greatly amused by the sight before him. Amazing, he thought to himself, his testicles are so malformed. I have to get a picture of this, so that it might be printed in The Medium for all to see. The sleeping fellow soon awoke to find his likeness plastered upon his roommate s computer s desktop. The photographer detailed his plans to the newly awoken. Pleas were followed by bargaining, eventually resulting in the black box you see above. Everyone shortly thereafter realized their happiness, and fell into a mass orgy. The End. Daisy! Daisy, give me your answer true. I m half-crazy, all for the love of you. It won t be a stylish marriage; I can t afford a carriage. But you d look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.

Amendment 8:

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment 9: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment 10: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people. fnord

Uncle Fizzles Storytime Hour

It has been shown with startling frequency that the citizens of the United States of America often are not aware of, or do not understand, the implications of our Constitution. Therefore, in a weekly series, The Medium is proud to present, the United States Constitution s first ten amendments, also known as the Bill of Rights, in sequential order. (note that due to a lack of issues this semester, below are the final three ammendments, as an early holiday treat)

FEATURES

The game is to be sold, not told.

The Rise and Fall Of Santa

By Chris Scuorzo There was a breach in Santa’s Clause’s security many tears ago. As a result, his kingdom was dominated by the little pricks of the world. It all started live, on the air when Santa was in the process of making his Chrismas commercial for The Wiz, an electronics store.

While Santa was rehearsing his lines for the famous, “Nobody beats the Wiz,” commercial, one of the little humanoid, one-foot dicks managed to come inside of the building where the commercial was being made. He managed to seduce one of Santa’s little male elves. He basically hypnotyzed the little dwarf and made him pick himself up (the prick) and stick his schlong (which is the dick’s nose) into the little elf’s mouth.

This semen which the dick injected into the elf’s mouth had certain hypnotic and trance inducing properties in it. After the elf basically gave into the prick’s demands, the prick told him to pick up one of his brothers and to deliver it to Santa. He said, “Tell Santa that he better take it up and give it up, he’s too old, we are going to run things now!” So, the elf went over to Santa while Santa was live, and on the air, filming his commercial and pulled on Santa’s Coattail and said, “Here Santa, you better take it.” He said this while he was blowing the one prick and pointing the other prick at Santa. Santa, after being so rudely, interrupted, said, “What, the fuck are you doing with that prick in your mouth, and what the hell are you doing with that other prick, why don’t you stop that? If you don’t get rid of those pricks immediately, then you can just take that other dick, shove it up your fucking ass, punch the fuck out and go home!” The elf, after hearing this, went over to the big, head-dick that was their leader and told it was Santa had just said. The giant, five foot-tall prick, with its balls for shoulders, its schlong for its nose and its own arms and legs, said to Santa that he better listen to what the little elf had to say, or else. Santa, still stubbornly refusing said, “You better shut up and get these pricks the hell out of here...” The big prick leader cuts him off and said, “Hey, Santa, Fuck You, you’re going down Fat Boy!” This prick, by the way, has strong supernatural powers sort of like Darth Vader from the Star Wars movies and it literally and metaphorically fucked up Santa Clause.

Santa fell down, and he yelled out for Prancer’s help. He yelled, “Prancer, Prancer!” But Prancer was too scared to do anything!

The next thing that the viewer of the commercial sees is Santa Clause saying, “For savings and selection, nobody beats the beef. Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho.” He said this while he had one of those Guess who’s got a dildo in his ass!

Wednesday December 8, 1999

parasitic little pricks in his mouth and a funny, glazed look of hypnotic seduction in his eyes.

Ever since that day, Santa was almost always seen with a little prick in his mouth he has always been recieving nonfatal strokes and heart attacks. Once in a while, Santa would be seen using a walker or a cane.

I saw Santa at the mall one day, pale as a ghost. He was in his throne as usual, waiting for the kids to tell him what they want. But he had an EEG and a respirator. Hooked up to him, along with an IV going into his arm. There were also two five-foot tall pricks standing guard on either side of him. These pricks were here to insure that Santa didn’t get out of line with them or pose any threat to their newly established empire. At the end of each kid’s demands, Santa had to give out a pair of testicles There’s nothing Santa likes more than in the form of a colored cardboard hat to each man-boy love! child (this was done in place of the old cardboard antler hats that he formerly gave out). After Santa gave out a cardboard cutout of a dick’s testicles, he had to say, “Ho, Ho, Ho, Here you go little boy/girl, you are moving up in the world, you are no longer an asshole, now, you are just a prick, and here’s your testicles!” If Santa violated any word of this dick propaganda, then the two guard dicks would be on top of him like flies to shit! This saying was enforced in order to make the pricks appear as better individuals by comparing them with something even worse than they are... Assholes!

After about a decade or so of fucking dicks, Santa and his kingdom, presently being run by the dicks, suddenly began to crumble again because the pricks now in charge were getting bored with the smuggling of Santa’s gifts from hisd little workshop and it wasn’t as profitable anymore. They eventually abandoned Santa and his kingdom, leaving him both broke, and deprived of much of his health and resources. This resembles to me the fall of Communism in Russia. As a result of those years of Santa being forced into sucking those dicks, he started to develop a liking to it. When all of the dicks left, Santa became a sodomizer, preying on little boys and secretly giving some of the brave ones (the ones who didn’ run away) head! Santa would say, with his glazed, cataract-infested eyes, “Hey, come here, little boys, now, why don’t you pull down your pants and let me blow you.” Some of the boys would get scared and run away, shouting, “Mommy, mommy, mommy.” Some of them would let Santa blow them and actually enjoy it!

Poor Santa, who was a victim of societies ills was reduced to nothing but a mere child molester, as a result of all of his abuse. It will take the strong will, the strength and the determination of his wife and few surviving elves to save him now!

(I didn’t have time to read this article. I was too busy licking dirty ass for four dollars-ed.)

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123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 Jaime Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 I woke up riding backward on a train. The ticket in front of me made it clear I was heading back to New Brunswick. The smell of a week 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 of alcohol, smoke dirt surrounded me. My shirt was crusted with bits of vomit splattered with porcelain precision. A slight glitch in 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 my vision indicated the residual strength of the acid. The events that had occurred over the last two days were very unclear to me.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 Fragments of drinking at the Regal Beagle with Rerun and getting a rusty trombone from Tutti were scattered in my brain. How did I 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 get on this train? Who put me here? Paranoia filled my mind with all sorts of horrible episodes that could have left me here. Being an 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 SMB affiliate alone would have given enough reason for me to be abducted. The train slowed down. There would be time to try and 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 remember what had happened later. I needed to get a drink and a pack of cigarettes. At the station, I got out and ran into the bathroom 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 to cover all grounds of appearance and waste. Once back outside, I gathered my bearings. I was home. The air was filled with 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 distorted screams of cats raping humans. I wanted to avoid this. I took a glance at my watch, 11:36pm. It was still early enough to get 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 a drink so I made my way to a bar. I knew that my man Clean Steve would be at the Old Queen having philosophical debates while 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 drinking white Russians. The line outside was longer than the line for the Houston 500. The bouncer gave me a bit of guff, but I made 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 it clear to him that I was here earlier. I walked inside and immediately the stench hit me. I saw Clean Steve sitting in a corner with a 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 leash on one of his many bitches. I grabbed a Stoli Gimlet from the barkeep and made my way over to him. “It smells like sodomy in 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 here”, I said. Clean Steve looked at me and nodded his head in affirmation. He pulled up on the leash; “This is Adrian.” The girl 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 looked like some sort of collaboration of Stanley Kubrick and Tim Burton on some seriously bad acid. Or maybe that was just how it 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 looked to me. Everyone around me was written on with ink and gyrating in some tribal 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 lust driven sex fuck, a giant orgy of sweaty bodies and running makeup. “I need to get 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 out of here”, I said as I polished off my drink. Clean Steve made it clear he was staying. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 “If you want to sit around with these people and get eaten alive, be my guest”. He gave 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 me the most evil of looks and I screamed and ran out of there. The place looked like it 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 was on fire as the red glow of the flames heated the cold sky around. The street was 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 ugly filled with even uglier people. All sorts of drunken sloth and malicious brutality 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 were making their presence known. The things I had heard were too bizarre and easy for 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 me to comment on. Overemotional women making claims about physical appearance or 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 First you get the coke, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 general conduct made it impossible for me to keep my slobbering mouth shut. I could 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 Then you get the power, feel the words trying to jump out and add to an already devastating complex. With my 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 and then you get the women mang.

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 hand over my mouth looked away and quickly headed toward the bus stop. At this 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 moment in time I thought it better to go home and try to avoid all human contact. I 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 The author of this piece sent me this 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 had left the race and now wasn’t the time for me to try and get back in. I was more 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 picture to include in his article. And to 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 disgusting and depraved than the rest of them. (Hmm..I don’t know which is better, this 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 think, this space could have been filled 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 article or getting raped by angry bears -ed.)

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012 with hardcore porn!

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Insanity Rising

MANLOVE

by Brian C. Hauer

MANLOVE

MANLOVE

FEATURES

Roman s tough as nails

Wednesday December 8, 1999

CLOWN WIG IS STILL GOOD!

by Garrett Glick

with multi-colored hairs, and you’re begging for more. The only thing you could taste is the sweet flavor of a clown’s ass cheeks. Oh Lord, it’s so cheeky.

How on Earth could it possibly taste this cheeky?

Suddenly you’re living in a cave, you have an insatiable appetite for sweet clown love, and the only thing you know for sure is that it feels good in the prostate. Oohh, it feels good in the prostate.

It’s all coming back. But really, it never went away. It was always somewhere deep inside of you, begging to make its escape. And now it has. Right now, five thousand clowns are grind dancing in your living room. Tomorrow will it be five million? They’re coming out, guns blazing and you’re one of them.

And the only thing you can honestly tell me is that clown wig is good. It’s still good, and it always will be. It always will be.

Just when you thought…it might be over, it might never be back again, you may never live to see the return…. It’s all coming back again, and this time it’s the real thing. This time it’s forever. It’s coming back, stronger than before.

Clown wig is still here, it’s still a force, and it’s still a weapon, a passion, and a danger. Clown wig is still good!

When you wake up in the morning surrounded by nine circus clowns, two boy dancers, and perhaps a Scandinavian she-male as well, you know something has changed. Is this what you always wake up to?

Where are the pancakes?

Where are the pancakes?

You’re nude and covered

HOW GOOD IS CLOWN WIG?

A CLOWN OFFERING ME A HEART SHAPED CONDOM

How good is clown wig? Take the greatest pleasure you’ve ever felt, and then multiply it by four. That’s how good clown wig is. It’s like being raped by goats…really hot goats! It’s like the first time you ever tasted the sweet nectar, which is Bob Saget’s rectum.

It’s like smoking crack, with pirates! It’s like having your cake and eating it too. It’s like making your bed, and then lying in it. It’s like a can of beer that’s sweeter than honey, like a millionaire who has no money. It’s like going up with out coming down, it’s like the color beige, but not the color brown.

Are you afraid to know? Well you should be, because once you try clown wig nothing will ever be good enough again. You’ll kill your own momma for some clown wig, and she’d probably kill you for some clown wig. Did it really surprise you though? She always was a skank.

CLOWNS: A FEVERISH DESIRE A feverish desire? Oh, yes. For a clown has something to prove, and something to say. He is not simply an object to laugh at, to amuse you. A clown is so much more than that. For a clown is a fiery inferno, raging with sensual desires. To get too close to a clown is to burn up, to lose control.

But to stay away from a clown, to never truly experience clown wig…it is to never truly live at all.

So the question must be asked, is there life without clown wig? I say no. Without clown wig there is nothing! And thus it must also be said that if there is no life without clown wig, than clown wig must be life itself.

Men, women, children, man-boys, if you are reading this than I urge you to experience clown wig, and in turn to experience life.

ALWAYS WEAR A BIB!

NEVER TELL A FIB!

Is there anything a clown can’t deepthroat?

WHY DO CLOWNS WEAR WIGS?

Why do clowns wear wigs? An age old question indeed. But do clowns wear wigs, or do wigs wear clowns? We live in a world with high tech gadgets, juice making robots. There are so many riddles, and so few answers. Do clowns really wear wigs, or is it just a dream, a beautiful dream. And if it is just a dream, what happens when we wake up and see a world without clown wig? Will we ever be the same? If there is some mystical force out there, I make only one request. Please do not take away our beloved clown wig. For I do not know why clowns wear wigs, but I do know they are worn with a love that showers over us all.

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THE END IS NEAR!

bluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluebluee

blueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblueblue

win!

Party at Chabad House. Wake up the next morning in nothing but a yarmulke and a g-string stuffed with gelt.

The secret ingredient in the punch was GHB. Try toremember your name and start looking for your clothes. Lose one turn.

Expect pedestrians on College Ave to cross in the crosswalk. Run over jaywalking frat boys.

Move ahead 6 spaces.

CAC

Super secret hint: The only way to win in Crappyland is to cheat like a fuckin dog

Discover that all Rutgers College whiteboys like buttsex, in thebutt. Buy a 12-inch strap-on and move ahead 2 spaces.

Eat Brower take-out on Chicken night. Sit in the bathroom for 2 turns.

In a drunken stupor you wander to Campbell. Next morning you wake with a hangover and herpes. Go back 5 spaces.

Rutgers loses your financial aid. Get suffocated by bureaucracy. You lose.

Professor has a Vietnam flashback in the Busch Student Center. You are caught in heavy gunfire while waiting on line for Wendy's.

Lose a turn.

Accidently buy your girlfriend a Keropi bookbag instead of a Pikachu bookbag. Get bludgeoned to death with her Pikachu doll.

Busch

Assaulted by Chinese gang in ARC computer lab. Go back two spaces.

Park in the commuter lot. Run in terror as the football team tackles your car, mistaking it for a Miami receiver.

Move back 2 spaces.

Have anal sex with Fran Lawrence for a 4.0. Must take acid shower for next two days. Move up two spaces, but lose a turn.

Wake up with 103째 fever. Take the B to the health center inconveniently located somewhere on Livingston.

Get pronounced DOA.

Trendy Busch students with cell phones give you cancer. Lose a turn.

Write an article for the Medium. Win fame and popularity. Join in the staff orgy and contract several STDs.

Livingston

Complain about having to take "Livingston 101." Get bludgeoned to death by "Shaping a Life" students. Die.

You're elected What's Shakin' editor of The Medium. You're doomed to obscurity. Go back 2 spaces.

Make disparaging comments about Blacks and Latinos. Get appointed university president.

Expect commuters parked on Livingston to "share the walk."

Get hit by speeding car.

Die.

Get trampled by deer while jogging at night on Livingston.

Die.

Oppose the expansion of the Livingston Student Center. Wonder why your organization meets in the janitor's closet in the basement of Campbell.

Welcome to CRAPPYLAND CRAPPYLAND!!

Wednesday December 8, 1999

Don t you be talkin bout my momma!

GMG

Professor Sol: Rutgers’ greatest teacher

by Garrett Glick Many students may not have taken any of Professor Sol’s classes. For he doesn’t teach English classes, or computer classes, or economics classes either. He teaches a course much, much more important. He teaches a little course called life.

There were only four of us in Professor Sol’s class. There was me, cousin Troy, Pierre the foreign exchange student, and of course Roman. Oh Roman! When it comes to Roman, I just don’t know where to begin.

One thing I could tell you about Roman is that he loved the Internet. So many times he’d come up to me with an enthusiastic look on his face and tell me all about his wild Internet adventures. Sometimes he’d ask me if I liked pictures. “Oh sure,” I’d say, “who doesn’t.” He’d then brag about his great Internet picture collection including women, men, boys and animals. I wasn’t exactly sure what he was getting at, but then when he took off his shirt and started licking his own nipples, I began to understand Roman’s plight.

Many of us thought Roman was somewhat peculiar. I remember I was telling Mable about all of the weird things that Roman did. What I didn’t know was that Professor Sol was in the room next door, and that he overheard the whole conversation. At one point he stormed into the room in a fiery rage, picked me up by my shirt collar and screamed, “Don’t you EVER, EVER, say nothing bad about Roman. Let me tell you something about Roman…Roman’s TOUGH AS NAILS.” I’ll tell you, I never said another bad word about Roman in my life.

I guess that’s the kind of man Professor Sol has always been. He just has a certain way of expressing himself so that everyone will really understand, and learn.

Sometimes I still see Roman, and to tell you the truth he hasn’t changed a bit. And neither has Professor Sol. Every summer we usually get together and have a picnic together. They don’t bring much food however, all they bring is porn. For those two crazy guys sure do have an insatiable appetite for hard core porn. Usually after the picnic we’ll all go to a gay bar for some nude slow dancing. I’ve sure learned a lot from Professor Sol’s class, a lot about life.

Professor Sol!!!

Yo Quiero Taco Bell I will be the first to admit that I get a great deal of enjoyment out of those commercials featuring the Taco Bell Chihuahua. I’m not exactly sure why I like the commercials so much, but I think it has to do with the dog, who I’m pretty sure I’d like to make love to on a nightly basis. I’ve told some of my friends about this concept, and most have been supportive, especially my friend Roy. Roy 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 suggests we participate in a ritual 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 called “raw dog” in which we each 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 put our genitals in one of the dog’s 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 Would you lick orifices while smoking a cigarette 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 out of our respective asses. I have 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012

PANTS

this man’s ass for four dollars?

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Elections are this 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 Wednesday. Send submissions to: 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 gmg42@eden.rutgers.edu 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012

How about five dollars?

You’d do it for six? Too bad. Five was the final offer.

My underwear is soiled! I’m so ashamed!

to admit this is one of the more clever ideas I’ve heard in quite some time.

I’m also fairly interested in some sort of marriage between the dog and me. This is particularly important to me because I think premarital sexual intercourse is very sinful, and those who do it are going to hell. I can’t wait until our wedding. Then we’ll have rough sex all night and all day. Until then, I’ll keep watching those Taco Bell commercials. Watching and masturbating, masturbating vigorously.

ARTS & CULTURE

Such Heroic Nonsense

WEDNESDAY December 8, 1999 Being John Malkovich: A Review

By Christopher Taylor

The Importance of Proper Penis Maintenance

by Jana Garelli Alright so this is my article about how to keep your man happy. By Jana Garelli (that’s me J) So first of all girls there are three things that every woman has to know about men. Number 1, men are stupid. Like totally, absolutely without fail stupid. The second thing is that they are easily distracted. The third and most important thing is that sucking dick will get you anything you want. For example, the other night I was riding my boyfriend’s roommate cuz he’s like, really a hottie and he drives a brand new Mustang and he’s really hung well. So I’m riding his cock like an animal and my boyfriend comes in. He starts whining like a little bitch about how he thought we were soul mates and he thought I loved him and yada yada yada. Then he runs out crying like my little sister. So, I finish the penis...love it for what fucking his roommate (if you get caught doing something wrong you might it is as well finish) and I run off after him. I knew where he was going, he always goes down to the basement of Alexander to sulk. So there he was right, exactly where thought he’d be. He was being all mad and surly, so I pulled him into one of the dark corners of the floor and sucked him off right there. I mean I performed some serious Hoover action down there. And because this was a particularly serious situation, I even swallowed. I know it’s not the most pleasant taste in the world, but girls you gotta do what you gotta do. My boyfriend compliments me a lot on how I learned to suck dick so well when he was my first. Man, if he knew how much cock I sucked LAST WEEK he’d kill me. I’ll give you a hint, you would have to use both hands and a foot to count that high ok? I’ve sucked more dick this week than I can remember. So long story short he does my homework, buys me a $150 dress, and APOLOGIZES TO ME for being mad. Can you believe it? Like, how gullible are men huh? I heard that night he and his roommate beat the shit out of each other, but that had nothing to do with me so I stayed out of it. If you keep these three things in mind when dealing with men, life will be a piece of cake from now on.

Now, I know a lot of you girls don’t like sucking dick, and quite frankly aren’t very good at it.

Or at least, that’s what you’re boyfriends tell me. But it’s vital to maintaining a good relationship. Proper prick maintenance will get you out of any and all trouble you could get into with your man. Even if you just jerk him off before class every now and then, he’ll forget about the $90 shoes you charged on his Visa. Kiss it in the morning, love it in the evening. Because if you don’t, I will. If you wondering why your man has been in a very good mood lately, and why he seems to be broke all the time. It’s probably because of me paying lip service to him. I LOVE to suck cock. So remember, if you don’t your man will find a girl who will.

HOLY

ALPHA SUPREME HYPER TURBO

Now you can pit your favorite Holy Men against each other in mind-boggling Combat! Choose from Odin, Moses, Quetzalcoatl, Jesus, Buddha, Ra, Muhammad, and Vishnu. THRILL as men from different ages and Ideologies pit their Faith and their muscle against each other. MARVEL at the team-ups of a lifetime! Moses and Jesus vs. Muhammad and Quetzalcoatl! You’ll pee your pants as Jesus uses his Crown of Thorns Attack against Moses’s Plague of Locusts Attack! Watch out for great big Buddha’s Buddha Splash and Hundred Hand Slap!

Choose Your Holy Man

Being John Malkovich opens with an extraordinarily beautiful and yet profoundly disturbing display of puppeteering, setting the stage for one of the greatest instances of American cinema since Fight Club. Like the opening sequence, Malkovich never fails to entertain, albeit in a generally odd manner.

While it does not border on the insanity that is a David Lynch piece, Malkovich eludes a simple plot summary. While the film is, no doubt, the story of an outof-work puppeteer Craig Schwartz (John Cusack, of Grosse Point Blank and Bullets over Broadway) that stumbles upon a portal that leads into the mind of famed thespian John Horatio Malkovich (John Malkovich, of “that jewel thief movie” and “the one where he played a retard”) and the odd collection of incidents that result, the description is extremely threadbare. Malkovich is also a surreal love triangle, with participants including Craig, his

Good Ol’ Johnny wife Lotte Schwartz (Cameron Diaz, of A Life Less Ordinary and Feeling Minnesota) and his co-worker Maxine (Catherine Keener, of Your Friends and Neighbors and Living in Oblivion), but still we have no satisfactory explanation. Perhaps Malkovich is first and foremost a film of social commentary, implying that fame, not merit, breeds success (and that it should be otherwise?). That Malkovich is wonderfully rich and complex and is not easily described ought not give cause for alarm. At no point is the plot of the film excessively obscure or cryptic.

Charlie Kaufman, the younger brother of the late great Andy Kaufman (who, incidentally, is the subject of the upcoming Mills Forman / Jim Carrey film Man on the Moon), wrote the script of Malkovich. He apparently went to Malkovich himself several years ago, asking him to be in the picture. Malkovich reportedly loved the script and agreed to play himself, but did not expect anyone to fund such a bizarre picture. When Spike Jonze (who acted in Three Kings and directed the Beastie Boys’ Sabotage video), also read the script, he decided the film was to be made immediately. Being John Malkovich is currently playing at theatres throughout the country.

Santa says Write for Arts next year or he’s gonna rape you with a candy cane.

Giving out coal just wasn’t having the desired effect anymore. heterofrenzy@ hotmail.com

WEDNESDAY December 8, 1999 ARTS & CULTURE

heterofrenzy@hotmail.com

ARTS & CULTURE

The Resurrection of Iron Dyke

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 cOME TO mEDIUM mEETING OR YOU NEVER SEE 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 PARENTS AGAIN hahahahah 930 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 lsc 113 NO POLICE OR WE KILL YOU SISTER TOO 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901

Remember kids, sex sells!

Cap was bleeding. He didn’t like it. He was not used to it. He was not a chick, he was not supposed to bleed.

Cap back-flipped out the door and ran down the hall a little. He needed more room to maneuver, this bitch was fast. In the small confines that they were previously in, it was beginning to become apparent that she would carve him up if things didn’t change. She had already given him a nasty cut across his chest that mysteriously hadn’t healed yet. “Your probably wondering why your wounds have not healed yet. Well, unlike the rest of the braindead banana slugs who attend this University, we here at Busch do our homework. I’ve coated my blade with a certain string of proteins that counteracts your healing factor, Man. So, let me put this in terms even your Neanderthal frontal lobe can comprehend…I’m about to cut yo ass wiiide open.” “Oh shit Johnny”, thought, “this bitch is gettin ghetto on me.” *** Melissa slowly pulled her consciousness back from her past life as Lord Valoran into the effervescent ether between here and there. Her avatar, Vectorus, stood near her, beaming broadly. “Ah yes, we did make quite the pair. You see Melissa throughout time Johnny’s avatar and I have been locked together, one drawing the other back around the Karmic wheel time and time again. Sometimes I was the man, sometimes he was the man.

Sometimes we were both men, or both women. No matter what form we took, His avatar and yours have always loved each other. That is why you love him.” Melissa’s face attempted to display a full 11 emotions at once, an endeavor that really hurt. “Love? No no no, I love no man. I may be…fond of Johnny, but Love? No way in heaven, Hell, or anywhere in between do I love a man.” Vectorus smiled a smile at Melissa that made her feel warm deep down in the soul she was not aware she had. “If you wish Melissa, you do not have to admit it. You must only feel it. Our love has protected us time and time again. Let it protect you too. You will need it in the coming months.” Melissa closed her eyes and felt. She allowed herself to feel. Nothing more than feel feelings she had disallowed in her psyche for as long as she could remember. She felt Vectorus return to the center of herself where she needed him most. She felt a strange new feeling that she feared more than anything. And she felt the cold dark stretches of eternity fly by at 30 times the speed of light as she screeched, skidded, slid, and finally came crashing back to consciousness. *** Still bleeding. Elizabeth was carving him up. “Adrenaline Rush!” Cap had to do his Adrenaline Rush super move to increase his stamina, healing factor, and most importantly, speed. He was dodging her slashes as best he could, but she was still faster than him. He was running up the walls, flipping, diving, making valiant attempts to counter-attack, but nothing was working. This little Asian bitch had him completely outclassed when it came to speed. Ms Chen took off her lab coat.

To Cap’s dismay she was pretty damn hot. The conflicting emotions of hatred and lust baffled him. “Around here they call me the TA,” she hissed, “that title carries a lot of weight man, I’m second banana to the head honcho, man. And she’s expecting me, so it’s time to finish you off.” As she said this she pulled a green pill from her pocket and swallowed it. Her eyes immediately rolled back into her head and she began to imperceptibly shake. “TTTA S-S-S-Super Attack, SSSONIC SSLASHER! Cap was all the way the middle of the hallway, the TA was at the end. In 1/30 second she was in his face…actually, there seemed to be eight of her. She was moving faster than the speed of sound. Even his heightened reflexes couldn’t cope with this. He had one chance for survival. He was gonna take a hit but he was hoping she wouldn’t be able to take his. “Straaaaight Uppercut!” Cap bought his shield up into her jaw with tremendous force, leaving a nasty cut rising along her cheek. Before she hit the ground he leaped up, grabbed her out of midair, and slammed her face-first into the floor. He had her by the neck and slammed her into one wall, then the other. He had her limp body by the throat and ran towards the window facing UMDNJ. He put them both her through the window and fell a whole two stories directly onto the TA’s chest. Cap rolled off of her and tried to catch his breathe. She was breathing…mostly.

“Damn”, he said, “she’s still alive. Well, I don’t have any time to finish her off. Zellwigger, the Captain’s coming to get you!!!!!” Cap was in a blood rage now.

He was tired, hurt and pissed off. “Zellwigger!!! Where are you.!?!?!

“Here.”

Across the field stood a tall, thin, fairly attractive woman. Under different circumstances he might have been planning to lay her. Now he was just planning to lay waste to her and anybody who got in his way. At that moment something large, mean, and ugly got in his way. The ground opened up before Cap and large engines ground beneath him. From the rectangular whole that opened in the ground arose the scariest creature to ever assault his eyes. It was half bull, half…woman? “Captain Hetero. They sent you to kill me didn’t they?” Zellwigger’s voice was barely audible above the heavy breathing of the pet monster she stood near. Her voice was steady and clear like the start of a new day. “I knew he would send someone eventually. Fran hates it that I’ve become independent of him. There are things that have to be done, done by me, theorems that must be tested and re-tested, theorems that he is afraid of. Theorems that have lead to the creation of this beauty.” Prof. Zellwigger patted the cold steel leg of the monster standing next to her. It had the legs and head of a bull, but the torso of a woman.

It’s legs and arms were made of a type of organic steel that mimicked muscle. “I created her from a little bit of Wildebeest DNA, a little bit of Douglass Lesbian DNA, and a lot of nanotechnology. I present to you Captain Hetero, my greatest achievement, WILDEBUTCH! Cap wasted no time in attacking. He charged the beast and tried to slash it across the stomach with his left hand, then delivering three or four hard punches into it’s gut. The monster merely smiled at him (a disturbing site right there) and batted him away…a good 15 feet away. Cap recovered in midair and landed on his feet.

He was too angry to attack rationally, and went straight for his best super, “HETEROFRENZY!” Cap hurled his shield with tremendous force, connecting with the beasts forehead as planned. With incredible speed Cap was airborne on an intercepting path with his shield which rebounded off of the head of the monster right into his waiting hands. As he came down he noticed something was wrong. The monster wasn’t reeling in pain. It was crouching down and looking right at him. Wildebutch launched into a leaping uppercut, driving a three foot wide fist straight into Cap’s rib cage, breaking every one it hit. It also drove something sharp deeper into his lung than it had been. But Cap felt no pain, he was too full of rage. He fell 30 feet down onto his back. Wildebutch strode over to where he lay, picked him up by the neck, and began to bear hug the life out of him. “Hm…it seems I built Wildebutch too well”, Zellwigger sighed, “I had not intended for it to destroy you so utterly, I wanted to study your DNA. Oh well, a dead body still has viable DNA. Wildebutch, crush him.” The beast would have had a lot easier time complying with this command if at that moment it’s right arm hadn’t been shot off. Cap hit the ground, very surprised to still be breathing. He opened his eyes to see who had saved him. “War Dyke?” Standing behind him was the glorious hi-tech archangel War Dyke. [GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU BITCH!] So, here’s the scene; Cap laying bleeding on the ground, to his left a wounded and maddened Wildebutch, and to his right, guns smoking, War Dyke. Dramatic 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901 huh?

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Wednesday, December 08, 1999 this goes out to that fucking scum bag jew of a preceptor who's fucking a resident in his building. The floor does not approve of this fucking behavior and why the fuck did you wait so long to make it public we knew you wanted to fuck from day one you horny fuck! stop molesting people on the floor. this goes out to that freshman hoe in brower on 11/30 who think she's the shit cuz shes blonde wit a tight kooter, all i have to say is In the trees on the grass watch me cum in ur rock hard ass....

Dearest Laura Beth, Your mom called. Love-mariel Fern of Mettler...for the love of God move your arms when you walk. You're not a model, and you never will be no matter how much you spend on your clothes. You stick your huge nose so high in the air we can see your empty cranium. That explains why you couldn't get an A in Bio. Soc. Do us all a favor and transfer back to Camden. Sincerely, Everyone you know Horsham PA produces strapping young lads.

My personal is going to be a little different. Cause I don't want to bash anyone. Getting my message across is going to be hard.

Only a few people know. What is so special about this person? Alcoholic is the word.

Now you tell me who likes Poison.

Yo, to that girl JESSICA (fuckme-in-the-ass) in my basic comp class, you know who this is. You only seem to talk to me when i ignore you, what's up with that. how about you come back to the house and we'll correct our papers in my bedroom (trnaslation: come back to my house so me and my housemates can gang-bang you). i know you're not into the whole sexual thing, but i think we could at least get a bit more personal, like my tongue being introduced to yours (or possibly my dick introduced to your ass). We're obviously attracted to each other, so let's be mature about it. Well, i got your number and you've got mine.

Don't be scared to call (the cops).

To those dumb piece of shit immigrant bus drivers, I STEAL YOUR LETTERS EVERY TIME!!!! You dumb fucks. (your name has been reported to the police...asshole)

In the butt... Do things in the butt...

Yo, to (VA)GINA (bulge) AND KRISTEN (dickles) AT VORHEES, this is from a guy who calls you once in a while.

Look i know me and my friend are friends with you ladies, but we need get down to what we both really want. Kristen, just give my good old friend a nice smacker right on the lips. And Gina, don't take this the wrong way, but next time you come over, please let me just lay you down with some good lovin body rockin knockin boots all night long. The first night i met you, i knew we just wanted each other, so lets just face the facts now and enjoy our college lives together. We both could use a good break (from Chastity).

To that fugly, skanky-ass whore on Allen 3, KEEP YOUR FUCKING NASTY ASS OUT OF MY FUCKING ROOM! You're fucking Herpes infested face makes me want to lop of my dick and beat myself to death with it! (Bullshit those were pimples, bitch!) My roommate can't stand your nasty Herpes-face either! Stay the fuck out! By the way, mem one time, you came into my room and I stabbed you in your fucking head with a pencil? Oh, you don't? WELL IT'LL HAPPEN NEXT TIME YOU DO, BITCH!!!!

To the goddess on Metzger 3, your personality is even more beautiful than your face. (If that is even possible) Why won't you notice me? Respond to Allen Guy. To that Sexy asian guy on Allen 3, your orange hair makes me so fucking wet. I saw you at the Dining Hall in shorts and a Tshirt in 50 degree weather... you must be quite a man to take that punishment. After all of that biting cold, I know of a few little somethings that could warm your tight ass up - I'll give you a hint, two of them are really hard right now, and the other is just soaking wet thinking about you... I saw you at all of the soccer games, and I am more interested in playing with your balls. Please tell me you want me too... I am just dying to sit on your face (and take a long relaxing shit while reading the latest Medium)! Write me, the name is AzianGrrl. to the hottie hotterson chris d: i think you are awesome, and i DO love the back page the best! love, your secret admirer

That fucking dead squirrel has nothing on those nasty necrophiliac racoons on Metlars Lane. It was fucking dead rodent orgy all semester. A real pile-up of horny, decomposing furry things. Someone should've scraped those decaying buggers up instead of waiting for the L to squash them into bloody carpets.

Too all those dirty commuters, what the fuck? you fucken come to my campus and complain thiers no parking because i drive from guilden street to the computer lab. What about those hypocrite granola cook people who don't take the bus? its too fucken cold to walk. and you in the saab, next time you park that close to my car i'm gonna piss in your windshield wiper fluid!

Yes, no one likes you so please stick a candy cane up your ass and go Christmas caroling naked in downtown Newark.

To the cute Asian girl that I met at the Ballroom Dance social on 12/1/99. I am the trumpet player that briefly met you. I wish I had talked with you more, and I would really like to see you again. If interested, please respond via the Medium to BrassAttitude.

A couple of things: 1) Have all the davidson asains wear fuckin name tags!! They all look alike!!! I'm scared of walkin home from class and being bombarded with Chin-Ti, Kincho, and Pikachu all yelling 'Hello!" to me. 2) That fag (buttmunch) from Davidson A, stop watchin Pokemon you 4 year old prick. Find something else to do like jerk your preceptor off!

To the ClitMaster Cunnilingus: Your scrumptious latin ass makes us quiver as we peek through your window while you lie there naked, listening to the Crow soundtrack in the dark.

Please fuck us in the ass with that luscious latin love-stick we hear so much about. "I'm so horny- Horny Horny Horny!"

Love, the 4 Ivan-ettes his is for my dearest bean, Holly, in New Gibbons (blood).

You're the best at everything.

I'd marry you for your foot rubs- the boys on Cook don't know what they're missing. If you're ever in the mood for more "wrestling," (aka hot butt sex) just stop by. I'll miss you. Good luck in all you do. my penis is bigger than yours

PERSONALS

This is for my other New Gibbons bean, Liz. You can rock my world with Mike & Ike sex games whenever you want.

You're a great friend, great dancer, and one funny person.

How will two beans survive without a third? Good luck with that Italian Stallion. -Pinky/ Brain, Will, Ioannes To the Dry Humper in Winkler Hall, I saw you at skull trying to work what you call a game.

Why do you always have to be DHing everything like a fuckin Canadien. Act civilized dammit.

I am tired of you always clinging to my leg. FUCK YOU!!

To that fine behind black nubian goddess on the second floor of Nicholas on Cook. Yea, you know who you are. Everytime I see you I wanna jus smack that big black ghetto ass. I dunno where you been all my life but BABY YOU!! You got what I neeed, but you say he's just a friend, But you say he's just a friend. Well girl, i want to let you know that i want to be more than just friends, so roll over to my crib and get with this azian persuazian cuzz I'm down with the brown baby.

To that faggot indian mother fucker who watches the stairs at the skull house. You give me any more shit and and i'm gonna beat your skinny gay ass and make you squeal like the bitch you are. stop thinking that you are hot shit, remember, you are still indian. what kind of gay faggot frat allows indians in anyway.

Well, whoever it was that was interested in (sexyman) of Frel 1, your too late. I was wrestling with him the other night.He put me in positions i thought were never possible. What he did to me made my head spin and gave me rug burn on my knees.

I'd advise doing it sometime, not with him though. Find another wrestler, he's mine.

To that huge pile of horse shit in front of Hickman. What the hell is up with that smelly ass?

Where the hell did you come from? Did that bitch from the Douglass alumni fund squat her shallow ass on the concrete and shit you out while her dyke employees wiped her fuckin' ass with dead leaves? Or did a couple of Shaping a Life dykes take turns shitting out more meaningless garbage after the scroll woman pulled that fuck out of her crotch? Watch out... some LABIA bull dykes might come along and chalk your ass blue.

This is for the pasty cheeked bitch on the 3rd floor Nicholas (f-wing...you know who you are)...You dumb FUCKING slut stop using our showers for fornication...if only your pussy whipped boyfriend knew what you were up to...maybe I'll tell him. Is your fucking vag as pasty as your fucking busted ass face? Do you like being the fucking dorm slut? It's time to move on to another dorm... we all know you've covered all three floors of this one. How does one acquire the chest of an eight year old boy? Stop letting people suck your ugly ass nipples at parties!!! Close your legs dumb bitch...every time we walk by you we smell the fucking South Street Seaport!!!

(My ass smells like the South Street Seaport, I’m a gay slut) South Jersey is full of goose mongers.

WANTED: Skilled, Qualified and SEXY male to satisfy 3 HOT soph women. We are fed up with "little" boys pretending to be men. So until you all mature, we will settle for ONE male to consistently satisfy us upon request. Must have FULLY functional(prefereably LARGE) appendages and skills. Stalkers need not apply.

NO lies, NO promises, NO expectations...Just straight up satisfaction. So shut up and get down to it. IF you THINK you can provide for us, email us at RUQUALIFIED@aol.com To the oafy,tall,goofy Slipknot lovin' fuck in Allen 3. How the hell can you sleep and study to that shit? I know college is a 24/ 7 party and you feel you don't have to go to class or study, but do you have to spill and spew beer all over the place. It fuckin' smells. Also who the hell pissed in your hallway. That shit is nasty. Go stick your cock in that Ambercombie wearin' bitch that likes to draw shit. Oh and have a nice day.

MISSING: Jake This is to the cute asian girl from the Ballroom Dancing social again. I am the trumpet player that only briefly got to talk to you. I would really like to see you again. If interested, e-mail me at brass_attitude@hotmail.com.

South Jersey is full of jerkfaces.

(The Medium’s business manager sells herself in S Jersey)

(I didn’t understand a word of that...)

SOME PERSONALS

Ever wonder why our President has such a feminine name?

To that online computer geek To our fucking moron neighbors Brad Pitt look alike editor, who at (poontang) GEORGE SUPPOSEDLY has one mighty STREET, stop pissing on our large cock, when the hell are house and making noise until 4 you going to update the medium am. And to the person who site!?! I am sick of living in keeps on playing the drums you 1998. What is the deal you have sound like a one-armed, blind an editorial and one Todd's ar- African tribesman who fucks ticles. Is Todd's literary prow- cattle with his left arm. What is ess from 1998 so amazing? that smell coming from the bedTodd must turn you on Big Cock room in the back of that house?

Desarnoc. Stop playing with Amanda is 'special' that big cock and start updating (Heather, are you mad at that website at Amanda? The personals are www.themedium.net not the place to work out South Jersey is full of jibonies. problems... You should conAmanda H. the EIC is a supa front her with your emotions freak who has lizards that bang and talk about your their heads against their aquari- feelings...thats the responums trying to get away from her sible thing to do) madness. i’m mr.fig, yes im mr. fig, i never People from South Jersey are walk i dance a jig, my plans for fat. you are really big!- and my plans for you anna involve puppets, a Amanda's lizards are stupid. camera, and a bag of fluffy stuff (I’ll bet your lizards could happy birthday to the good kick her lizards’ ass) mariel and the kind nate.

To our dancing girls in Winkler: You have the number and the To that fat kid in Mattia, yeah note...and by our count, it's your you the fat one. Take your fat ass out of our dorm. Our dorm turn... is for cool people, not fat people. this is for that sexy ass man You know who I’m talking about working in the liv. computer lab. you fat fuck. Fuck You!!!! me and my girls cum to see you every MWF around 3pm. we Why the fuck do you waste my just get moist sitting there time sucking my cock when you watching your sexy chocolate could be sucking my ass? body and we all love the tatoo Hey Rutgers University, this is on your arm. all we can think celebrity Bob Saget, you guys about is fucking you every time are doing great! Keep up the we see you. are you into 3 girls good work! at once, cause we all want to This goes out to my Accountant fuck you until your toes curl, and Professor...You are so hot, they your drenched with sweat from way you tell me to do other off of all of our bodies. we all people’s taxes is so fucking sexy want to feel your long thick dick I just wanna suck your cock all inside of us, fucking us until we night long while you whisper in cum. i want to feel your bangin' my ear sweet tales of taxes and ass body wrapped up next to investments. I want you to mine. we just want one night are shove your calculator all the you down? cause we are. get way up my cunt. back with us through the perTo my roommate who’s majorsonals. ing in Africana Studies and is this is for the ugliest member white. You’re a fucking of the football team, #3, you clueless muthafucka. think your da shit but don't noTo my roommate who is a stubody want your DIRTY ass, pid whore? why are you such and your small dick. with your as stupid whore? Is it because nappy ass braids in your hair. you’re a fuckin jew? Did yo’ Your tired, how can you walk mamma drop you as a child around acting like your da shit while she was suckin my dick? when you play for a fucked up I got 2 words for ya... butt sex! team like rutgers. And you and you’re a stupid whore! walk around like repensentin' Jersey like it's da shit . you Fuck shit, man, just fuck it! corny! I thought somebody YO! MUTHAFUCKAS get da needed to tell your ass! fuck out my class you stupid ass Funny thing.. so then after i took bi-atches! You need to learn to a shit, there was the hampster shut the fuck up ‘fore someone again! And he was all like smack you upside yo bitchass “Shit... what you been eating” heads. Damn you niggaz be and I was like “You, dumb wack, Fuck all y’all!!! - Professor Gangbang bitch”... then I flushed...

Wednesday, December 08, 1999

If you look close enough at the Mona Lisa, you just might notice that the painting is actually of Rutgers University President Fran Lawrence when he had longer hair and breasts (before the operation). The mystery of the smile? Fran just sucked a cock which earned her the presidency of Rutgers University and 3,000 slaves (the administration) so that she can earn enough money to have the sex-change operation.

You didn’t send us enough personals..... so the rest of these pages are filler.. deal with it...

FILLER. FILLER.

Random bible quotes....

Brethren, and if a man be overtaken in any fault, you, who are spiritual, instruct such a one in the spirit of meekness, considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

And I, brethren, if I yet preach circumcision, why do I yet suffer persecution? Then is the scandal of the cross made void.

(You are being persecuted because people don’t want there wangs being all cut up.)

And many of the brethren in the Lord, growing confident by my bands, are much more bold to speak the word of God without fear.

Though I might also have confidence in the flesh. If any other thinketh he may have confidence in the flesh, I more, Being circumcised the eighth day (ouch!), of the stock of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, an Hebrew of the Hebrews; according to the law, a Pharisee: Then Jesus was led by the spirit into the desert, to be tempted by the devil. And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, afterwards he was hungry.

(So then Jesus hit the grease trucks for a fat cat with bacon. Mmmm mmmm... It was sinfully delicious!)

Before the festival day of the pasch, Jesus knowing that his hour was come, that he should pass out of this world to the Father: having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them unto the end.

(And how does mankind’s saviour prepare for death?

By throwing back some Colt45)

NO PERSONALS NO

This one’s for you Erica. Sorry about the noise...

! y!!

Ga

If you’re at a frat party, hold on to your drink.

G

This space is dedicated to a very serious issue date rape. Date rape is the act of unwanted, forced intercourse with someone you know. It is often accomplished with a drug called Flunitrazepam (Rohypnol), or more commonly Roofies. Roofies come in tabular form and can be easily dropped into a girls drink at a party without her noticing because it has no taste or smell when dissolved. The effect of the drug is to make the girl lose all inhibitions. It is a powerful sedative, and after being administered, most people can not remember anything about the hours while they were under the influence. It is used by college men to take advantage of girls at parties.

Unfortunately, it is easily available and very inexpensive, usually under $5 a tablet...and the moral of the story?

!

Medium. You are a fucking homosexual for reading the Medium you godammed homosexual cock sucking faggot queer fuck. The Targum is stupid. We hate the Targum. It is even gayer than the Medium. The people that write for the Targum are stupidheads. They have butt sex. Garrett Glick is fucking hot and he works for the Medium. He doesn’t write for the Targum because the Targum is too gay and Garrett Glick is not too gay. He is just right. Just like the Medium. The Targum is just not right. They wield their cocks in an unfashionable manner. They are in the wrong and the Medium is in the right. Do not read the Targum. Do not read the Tagum

a y ! !!

“I want more cock in the Medium” -- Campbell 2 girl

Thank you for reading the Medium. Thank you for reading the

y!!

By Travis Schwantes

Hey, it’s the last Medium of the semester. If we don’t get thrown in the “slammer” we’ll be back next semester.... Elections are tonight, so if you’ve written stuff other than personals you can run for a position (but you won’t win). Fuck all of you... We never really loved you anyway!

Ga

1) Personals should be sent to medium_personals@email.com.

2) Administrative matters should be sent to mmolino@eden.rutgers.edu or jsp51@eden.rutgers.edu. Do not send personals to these addresses.

3) Try and keep personals to 50 words or less. We don’t want to read your fuckin’ life story.

4) ALL SUBMISSIONS MUST BE SENT FROM AN OFFICIAL RUTGERS EMAIL ACCOUNT. We will no longer accept any submissions from Hotmail, Yahoo, AOL, or any other account. This means that personals are NOT anonymous and that the editors know who you are. This information is kept confidential -- don’t ask for it. It will be disclosed ONLY to the proper authorities (i.e. law enforcement) if necessary to save our asses and protect our readers. So basically, you’re responsible for what you write.

5) We don't print last names, room numbers, or phone numbers so don’t even try it--not even if they're yours.

Personals that threaten the safety of a specific individual will be altered to remove identifying characteristics. We also reserve the right to modify personals that harass a specific person based on one of the following traits: race, religion, color, national origin, ancestry, age, sex, sexual orientation, disability, marital or veteran status. We do NOT condone or promote harassment, but we do wish to uphold your right to free speech. To learn about University Policy on harassment, you can go to http://www.rci.rutgers.edu/%7Emsgriff/webdoc5.htm. (We must abide - otherwise we’re out of the jobs that we don’t get paid for) 6) If you have a serious and legitimate complaint about particular personal ads, contact Editor in Chief Amanda Hoffman at amandah@eden.rutgers.edu. If you're just looking for some blank floppies, then email the_medium@hotmail.com 7) All submissions become property of the Medium. We can NOT guarantee that all submissions will get printed -we don’t have enough room to print those that aren’t funny.

8) The Medium is a very popular publication with roughly 8,000 readers. If you are interested in advertising space, please contact Heather Thompson at hthomp@eden.rutgers.edu.

Ga

The Rules:

! y!!

Wednesday, December 08, 1999

Scientists have known for over 100 years that insect genitalia provide some of the best clues to their classification. But examining them once the insect is dead is often a difficult task, so they devised what is called a Phalloblaster....

The Phalloblaster inflates the genitalia with a stream of pressurised alcohol to create the same shape as when the insect was alive.

For more information on Insect Erections please contact: Dr. Marcus Matthews CSIRO Division of Entomology GPO Box 1700 Canberra 2601 (an erect insect penis) Marcus.Matthews@ento.csiro.au (excerpted from http://www.csiro.au/promos/ozadvances/ Series1Insect.html)

What’s Shakin’

anish1@eden Roy G. Biv sucks dick for coke

Once apon a time the world was boring and joyless.

Daily life had no meaning. But things change, especially life.

It started small. Just a couple of young radicals with some wild ideas. I remember it clearly. A bunch of young idealists discussing politics in a coffee house. Suddenly the conversation took a turn -- "Sex on the streets is all fine and good but we need something which will really stick it to The Man... something for the people ... something that'll change things."

At this point, one of the lads stood up as if he'd just been struck by lightning. (He was the quiet one we referred to as "Bob the Sage.")

OPINIONS

Wednesday, December 8, 1999!!!

"Breakfast ... for lunch." The room feel dead silent.

Some got up and left (they weren't ready to hear such blasphemy to the holy institution of breakfast). "Breakfast for lunch OR dinner!" He continued. "It's all about choice and rights and breaking boundaries. Fuck The Man's rules. I'll have pancakes when I damn well please!."

A man (his name was Fran) stood up, "Never! Breakfast is for breakfast. Change would mean disaster!"

"No, my friend," I said, "we must not fear this change.

We've been deceived by The Man." Fran then broke down and cried, "and all this time we've been led to believe you could only have breakfast in the morning. Lies, all of them.

Dirty, dirty lies."

A revolution had been set in motion. Historians would later refer to it as the IHOP revolution. We've all moved on and gotten "real jobs" since then -- some of us are now accountants and others are sitcom stars, still others of us became university presidents. But we still remember the day ... the day we changed the face of breakfast. The time we put our foot down and said "ENOUGH! We want breakfast anytime!"

Concert Info Thur -- 12/9/99 CBGB's

World Trade Organization Teach-In Wednesday 7:30 PM Douglass College Center MPR A

Wharton Tiers Ensemble Kris Westbeth Theatre Henry Rollins Sidewalk Cafe Atoosa My favorite part of the Wizard of Shamsi Boaz Oz is when the color came in. It was Katherine Blodget just so emotional.

Mercury Lounge El Vez That scene always brings a tear to KELLY'S PUB my eye. No...wait. I'm thinking of BIG CHIEF & when the midget THE MIDNIGHT GROOVE hangs himself. Nevermind.

Fri -- 12/10/99 In any case, submit events to The Lion's Den Homunculus DESARNOC@EDEN Princes of Babylon Don't Quit Your Day Job Players Su Napa 5 Way Friday Westbeth Theatre Henry Rollins

BIRCH HILL NIGHT CLUB Route 9 South in Old Bridge, NJ Jimmie’s Chicken Shack UNION SPIRIT Last Perfect Thing The Youth Ahead Dec. 12, 6:30, Tix $8 (732) 223-7712 www.unionspirit.cjb.net

The Terra Blues Bobby Radcliff Brownie's Circus Guy Banana Fish Zero Sky Lobby CBGB's Sacred Addiction The Shods Sat -- 12/11/99 The Lion's Den Ten Miles of Venus Shaker Virginia Coalition Little Jinn Brother Rabbit Presents The Dark Star Lounge Antigone Rising Irving Plaza Taj Mahal & The Phantom Blues Band

“The trick is to pee with your eyes cloesd...”