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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XIII
50¢
December 10th, 2008
2008 Bankrupt on Months Really, Dude? Now? New Brunswick, NJ- Seriously, dude? Right now? Fuck, man! Why don’t you tell me this shit ever? Here I am about to sit down with some delicious Easy-Mac and Natty Light and you just barge in being like, “Oh, bro bro bro! My mom just got hit by a car and I really need you to drive me to the hospital! Well fuck you. That’s right, fuck you! I have been doing this kind of shit all semester! Driving you to Robert Wood when you had a 105 fever. Not only that but I had to pick you up afterwards. Not tonight, dude. Get Two-Shae to take you.
Requests Government Bailout for More Time BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Washington, D.C.- As the Detroit automakers and New York financial companies are petitioning the federal government for funds, a new industry is about to enter the fray. The year 2008 officially filed for billions of dollars in bailout funds for the purpose of adding months to the calendar after realizing that precious Month Reserves are nearly depleted. “We were extremely lenient with the amount of months that we have loaned out this past fiscal year” said head 2008 Director Fa-
ther Time. “When we needed our debtors to pay back the months that they used, they came up short so we need the Federal Government to step in and give us back as many months as possible.” When 2008 started out, it had plenty of months to give out, going so far as to giving away February with a sub-prime amount of days. But now, the months are completely unable to be returned to the year, which is leading investors to believe that 2008 will go down the same path as 2006 and 2007,
two years that also went under due to month shortage. Former 2007 CEO Chronos had this to say about this chronological problem. “I was in the exact same position precisely one year ago, and did the government help us? No! They just wrote us off, diverting the funds to something like the National Endowment for the Arts, letting 2008 corner the month market.” If 2008 does not receive additional months from the government, 2009 is on the short list to take over the calendar year assuming 2010 will not make an offer.
Auto-Makers Respond to Rutgers IT Department Lowest Gas Prices in Years Blocks Itself for BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Detriot, MI- With the United States’ economy failing rapidly on the heels of the country’s financial crisis, the major car companies are pulling out all of the stops to take advantage of the cheapest gas prices since 2004. Unveiled at Detroit’s “Save Our Own Asses” Auto Show, the HUMMER H4 is the product of all
the major companies coming together and designing a winning vehicle. The H4 is powered by a HUMMER in the engine with four additional HUMMERS powering the wheels with an average fuel economy of “Absolute Zero City/ Negative Zero Highway MPG”. The MSRP will be set at $450,000 and the first models will roll off assembly lines in 2009.
Exceeding Bandwidth BY A. PERSON CONTRIBUTING WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- Complete and utter pandemonium broke out earlier this week at the Rutgers IT Department as the entire staff had their internet access suspended for a week. The reason for the blockage is that while in the process of blocking students’ internet access for exceeding their bandwidth quotas, they blocked their own access for exceeding their personal bandwidth quota. It was all very confusing and took several hours, and many Indian and Asian Busch Pharmacy students to figure out what happened. Brian McNerdesson (aka “The Brian” as he would like to be
referred as) the manager of Rutgers IT stated, “We’re not sure why this happened and I’m a COMP SCI major! I am clearly smarter than any person at this entire school! Why can’t I figure it out?! Why!?” He then passed out from too much excitement and had to be revived with his rescue inhaler. After regaining consciousness, he went back to working on his potential Nobel Prize winning program that deletes spam and refused to be bothered by using awkward silence. Later that day, the computing staff was relieved when they received an email from themselves stating that their access had been restored and immediately went about spending their entire shift texting and surfing Facebook.
Submit Your News Articles to The H4 is pictured here with Optional HUMMER Scary Paint
news@themedium.net
The Latest Last Issue of the Semester! ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM
FINALS NEWS
Wednesday, December 10th, 2008
“When I said you were an ‘Alky’ I meant ‘Alchemist’ not ‘Booze Hound’.”
Santa Lays Off 8,000 Elves, Closes Factories at the North Pole
BY SATANIC YODA STAFF WRITER
The North Pole- The world saw just how far the current global economic crisis is reaching yesterday as Santa announced a round of layoffs and factory closings. In a press release, St. Nick told reporters that as many as 8,000 elves will lose their jobs and four toy factories will be closing down. In his statement, Mr. Claus cited dropping demand for toys and lower
than ever profit projections for the layoffs and closures. “This year, people seem to have other things on their mind instead of Christmas, like, you know, paying their fucking rent.” Santa then proceeded to take a huge swig of Whiskey and yell for Mrs. Claus to blow him because “I’m the CE-fuckin-O of Santa, Inc., bitch!” As expected, the Elf Workers Union, or EWU, expressed outrage at the firings, claiming that mismanagement by St. Nick
himself is to blame for the company’s failures, rather than the ailing economy. “Maybe if that fat fuck could run a business, we wouldn’t be in such a dire position”, said Samuel J. Cumgobber, the chairman of the EWU. Elves that had been laid off have already begun picketing the factories, demanding reform in Santa, Inc. to save their former coworkers. The announcement of layoffs comes as the United States government
turned down the request for a $20 billion bailout of Santa, Inc. In a prepared statement, Senate Appropriations Committee Chairman Robert Byrd (D-VA) said “Really, are you fucking serious?” Reaction around the country has ranged from apathy to agony. When asked about how having a reduced Christmas sounded, 9-year old Brian LeBrat just cried like a little bitch, saying “WAAAAAAAAAAAH I
wanted a Nintendo Wii this year and...” He was suddenly cut off when his father, who was recently laid off from his factory job at a General Motors plant, slapped him across the face and called him a “spoiled little twerp.” Some, however, are taking little interest in the layoffs at the North Pole. Joshua McJewington, a Jewish Rutgers student, told reporters “Dude, I’m Jewish. Don’t you see my yarmulke? Leave me alone, asshole.”
Dr. House Solves Case Immediately, Boring Episode Ensues BY KEVIN TREMENDOUS CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Los Angeles, CA- Doctor Gregory House and his medical team left viewers confused and FOX executives scrambling when they wrapped up their latest case in a record eight minutes. The patient, who complained of fatigue, difficulty controlling his breathing, and skin lesions, was correctly diagnosed and treated almost immediately. “I’ve never seen such an obvious case of Ornithine transcarbamylase deficiency,” House said. “I do apologize for the fact that it made for very boring television.” It was a departure from a typical case of his, which usually involves a complex differential diagnosis process, fighting among his staff over which
tests to administer, and bor- watch that shit.” ued. “Nobody knows. Peo- ones. I guess the only thing ing sexual tension between “Why are Chase ple liked them as the main left to do now is let the characters. and Cameron even on the characters, then we decided show run several seasons While the patient show anymore?” he contin- to toss them aside for new too long.” was happy to be back to full health so quickly, it left the audience and executives at a loss. Name: Dr. Gregory House “It was over so quick, but luckily I was able Age: None of your damn business, assto flip over to ER to quench hole my medical drama thirst,” longtime fan Trey Corbin said. Birthplace: Your Mom, NJ “Just kidding, nobody watches ER.” The Notable Accomplishments: Well, let’s eight minutes it took to cure see, I totally CURED EVERYTHING. the patient left FOX in the No, shut up dickhead. There, I just unusual predicament of havcured another problem, you talking too ing 32 minutes to fill, as the much. usual episode runs about 40 minutes, plus commercials. WEATHER OR NOT One anonymous Your privates will move to Florida to beat out this insane-o weather Today FOX executive said the staThe high temperature will literally freeze your ass. Bundle up ;-) Tonight tion thought about adding poignant House-Cuddy or Thursday Friday Chase-Cameron romance scenes, but ultimately deCarrier has It’s so fucking cided that “nobody wants to arrived! cold! Dammit!
MEDIUM PROFILE
CONTENTS
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
News FINALS News Features Opinions Arts Personals Cook/Douglites Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16
Last Fucking Issue Of the semester! Exam Answers Trans-Siberian Dodongos Nothing at all
Cover by: Jayyy-ayyyyyy-F-KAY
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editors Whats Shakin’ Editor
Paul Winters Colin Fong John Bender Tim Swanson Jake Lewandowski More like FARTS! Dave Imbriaco Kaitie Davis Abe Stanway
Staff Writers Business Manager Staff Photograper Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor Faculty Advisor
Reven MacQueen Keith Lawrence Gary Klimowicz Helen Ortiz Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Get it?! FARTS?! Ryan Barton Barbara Reed
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to the LAST ISSUE OF THE SEMESTER! Good luck on zero of your finals as I will need every ounce of luck in this universe. On a kinder note, thanks to all for your submissions. You will get prizes if you can find me on campus!
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES
Wednesday, December X, MMXIII
You can’t spell Sassy with out ass...
The Pioneer of Flavor Pressents: How to Deal With an Aetheist
Ah, those fickle, fickle atheists. We’ve all been confronted with them at one time or another, whether in the shape of a formerly normal best friend, an otherwise desirable member of the opposite sex, a seemingly kind professor, or a favorite pornstar. Yes, dear readers: atheism happens. But even if a loved one, academic, or
object of sexual fantasy has been afflicted with this cruel, cruel disease, you need not despair... yet. Why? Because your favorite cerealshovelling, advice-dishing, Ann Coulter-worshipping, flag-toting, bitchslapping church freak is here to save the day.
That’s right, bitches. I, your beloved Pioneer of Flavour, will lay out a couple of simple, easy-to-follow rules so that the next time you’re confronted with a nonreligious anomaly, you’ll know what to do. The first and most important of these rules is the Golden Rule of Religion, or as I like to call it, the ‘Duh!’ rule.
The following sample conversation between an atheist and a believer illustrates this rule pretty clearly. Check it out: Atheist: So dude, I’ve been chick be married without now is you. You’re wrong. of years. thinking this over, and I ever consummating and on They’ve found fos- Believer: I explain it by obdon’t know. The more I top of that have an out- Atheist: Come on, stop be- sil fuels and dinosaur bones serving that you’re wrong. think about it, the more of-wedlock affair with some ing so closeminded. How and stuff. What do you have I think this whole God dude, then get a kid out of was Moses able to part a to Atheist: So how do you think Schmod business is a bunch the whole shebang and still whole ocean? How did God say to that, hmm? that the fact that you’re jackof codswallop. emerge from the ordeal not create the earth in seven ing off to pirate porn as we only unscathed vine-wise, days? Huh? Huh? Believer: I say, shut up. speak fits into your whole Believer: I don’t care to but nicknamed the “Virgin You’re wrong. belief system? hear your opinion. You’re Mary”? That’s a biological Believer: He created it in wrong. and just plain impossibility. six days. On the seventh Atheist: Okay, but how do Believer: Uhm...you’re Does that even make sense day, God rested. you explain the fact that wrong, and furthermore, Atheist: No, but seriously. to you? every sighting of the Christ you’re ugly. I mean the Bible has so Atheist: Yeah, well, science happened several thousands many loopholes – Think Believer: The only thing that has shown that the earth of years ago, in the desert, Atheist: ...I think I’m going about it: How can some doesn’t make sense right was created over shitloads with no one else around? to convert to Scientology. So what exactly is the Duh! Rule? The Duh! Rule: Stick to your beliefs, no matter what your opponent does to try to lead you astray. Of course, it helps that Bob has gone into the conversation knowing exactly what to expect from the Atheist dude, whom we’ll call Bartholomew.
atheists employ when trying to convince you that they’re right is to use big words and long sentences. They also often refer to complicated ideas that no normal person could possibly understand, and repeat phrases like: “that just doesn’t make sense,”, “I can’t seem to reconcile religion with what I learn in class,” or “evolution, bitches!”.
So, to sum it up: If you have an atheist friend, and they try to explain to So what, pray tell, should we expect from atheists? you their silly little views using silly little tactics such as logic or reason, respond the ol’ American way by sticking to your beliefs. Remember: it We should expect that they will use a little something they like to call doesn’t matter if it doesn’t seem to make any sense. All that matters is logic, or reason. Do not fear if you do not understand the concept of these that you stay true to youself. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in such pleasant words: you’re not supposed to. Their use of terms such as these is simply a gripes as “you’re ugly”, “you’re fat”, or even “learn to floss, bitch” from not-so-smooth method of playing tricks with your mind. Another method time to time.
Horoscopes So by now most of you have had experiences with those ever so popular drugs, alcohol and weed. And you probably think you’re just too cool for school, don’t you? DON’T YOU?? But doesn’t it get a little old after a while? Haven’t you ever secretly yearned
for more? Haven’t you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, you should step out of your comfort zone? Have a fun, tantalizing experience? If you have (and you should have), then this week’s advice column is for you. And so, without further ado, we present to you: Horoscopes.
Sagittarius (Nov.22 - Dec.21): If you were born under this horoscope sign, you have a freewheeling, independent nature and can be a pain in the ass. You need a freewheeling, pain-relieving drug: HEROIN is for you. This month may find you stressed about work-related issues, domestic quarrels, and pain in your upper left buttocks. Heroin, first synthesized in 1874 by C. R. Alder Wright, an English chemist, will give you the amazing sense of euphoria and relaxation you seek. To most effectively feel the deliciously uninhibiting effects of this drug, otherwise known as ‘Black Tar’ or ‘Boy’, we recommend intravenous injection, though snorting, chasing the dragon, and ack ack are other methods you may wish to explore. Pioneer of Flavour Warning: usage may cause addiction, itchy skin, HIV, death, or worse, chronic constipation. Avoid large quantities if pregnant.
Your weekly update on what’s in and what’s out: In Who needs a lubricant when ou’ve got...SEX IN THE SHOWER Hellz yeah, I was stalking... THE EX Let’s all give a round of applause to...YOUR MOM
Out Less is more...and more can be unhygienic with...SEX IN THE BATHTUB I swear I wasn’t stalking... THE DOUBLE EX BROS AND HOES AND HIPSTERS. Oh my!
Let’s all give a round of ap- Kanye West. ’Nuff said. plause to...YOUR MOM Debuting next semester, your beloved Pioneer of Flavour will be answering actual questions from actual mignons in her advice column. SO: If you have questions that need answering, problems that need solving, lives that need analyzing, or if you’re just a famewhore who wants to be featured in the Pioneer of Flavour’s next column, submit it all and more to KWATERMELON@GMAIL.COM. Editor’s Note: And don’t forget the rest of Features, it can also use submissions as well... but its a little late now isn’t it, being the last issue and all... Don’t forget next year.
THE MEDIUM
OP/EDS “MST3K: It’s like anime for white people.”
Holiday Spirit= Psychotic Bitches By A. Person As we all may know, the holidays are quickly approaching. What that means for a lot of people here at Rutgers is dorm decorating. This can be fun granted that you don’t have an asshole roommate who hates the holidays and anything that brings joy and happiness. But, as we all know, there is always that one person who makes it completely suck for everyone in the entire building. This is exactly what is happening over at Douglass and as we all know, Douglass is full of women. Mostly psychotic and sheltered women, which can be a really scary combination. One girl in particular, is suffering from this holiday decorating psychosis and while I do not live on her floor, she is pretty much killing these few precious moments of happiness we have right
before exams. I need those moments bitch and you are stealing them! Anyway, what I am trying to say is that the holidays are supposed to be a happy and fun time. At least, they where when I last checked. You aren’t supposed to be accusing people of “stealing” your ideas because well, IT’S THE HOLIDAYS! Everyone is going to have similar, if not the exact same idea! That doesn’t give you the right to kidnap the holiday spirit and hold it at gunpoint and have a fight to the death involving construction paper, Santa, and fake presents. My advice? Why don’t you get laid by one of the 30 guys that you have in your room every night and then get some Xanax. I can see that finals and the holidays are clearly making you more of a bitch than you already are.
Note: This writer submitted the gay marriage article that was printed in this section last week, originally with much, much more profane language. He submitted this in between this and a cleansed up version of the one you saw. More editoral commentary at the end. It has come to my attention that the Medium will not print my racisminfused musings. This is a great shame. The Medium used to be the one vehicle on campus where free speech truly thrived, in its most grisly and realistic forms. To not print my writings, or to censor what I say is a denial of what the Medium stands for. You DO NOT print everything people send in. You are shitting all over everything men like Allan Ginsberg, William Burroughs, and George Carlin
Restaurants We need In New Brunswick Now If you’re anything like me- no, fuck, you are probably nothing like me at all. But anyway, I do like to
Torgo Van Pelt
go out for a bite every now and then. And I’ll be honest, living in New Jersey most of my life has spoiled me lots, because after all, this state is the diner capital of the world. It’s not perfect five-star cuisine, but a burger from a 24 hour diner or a corned beef sandwich from a deli will do well in a pinch. While there is a great variety of choices we have here, there is still some places that have yet to come here. Let’s break it down: In-N-Out Burger: I’m kinda not too big of a fan of West Coasters. It seems like they are always boasting about how great stood for California is, and complainand fought for. My writings ing about how New Jersey were intended to be humor- fucking sucks. Yeah, well, ous, to expose the ridicu- how’s Governor Ahnuld lousness of racism. I guess working out for you right you can’t understand this. now? That said, I am enviOr maybe you’re all just pussies. Or maybe you’re “n-word”-lovers. Ugh. You see that? You see how lame and not funny that was? Censorship fucking sucks, and now, since the Medium indulges in it, the Medium sucks too. You probably won’t even print this. I love The Medium. You are jerks. Editor’s Note: No, no, no, you got it all wrong. I don’t really care about what language in submissions for the paper, just, if you’re going to curse like a sailor, at least be very funny when you’re doing it. And let’s face it, it wasn’t that good with gratuitous cursing. Gotta make the tounge worthwhile.
Censorship By Dr. BJ Dustybottom
Wednesday, December Tenth, Twenty08
ous of the burger joint they have. I mean, it may be a lot of talk (my brother ate one of their burgers and thought it was merely alright), but how they talk about the burgers and the “secret menu” so jealous. Plus, I’d be down with a fast food joint that is not depressing as your typical fast food joint. Sonic: To be quite honest, I don’t know what they offer. And there are some Drive-Ins in the area, in the form of Stewart’s, which is awesome because of its Root Beer. So I don’t have a quenching need for drive-ins. But for some strange reason, they always advertise commercials nationally, so it seems like it’s been about 15 years that we’ve told of this place, without having a chance to be at one without traveling long distances. One finally opened in the state, but way down south. Hopefully, we’ll be more lucky in the future. Besides, more places need to offer tater tots as a food option.. Why is it that it always seems like only cafeterias serve this foodstuff. Waffle House: You know IHOP. Well, they’re
like that, except they’re based mainly in the Southeast, they’re usually open 24 hours, and, oh yeah, the main breakfast item is different. I actually ate of these places on Thanksgiving in Allentown, while waiting to pick up someone at LVI(fun fact: it’s a really tiny airport), and I gotta say, it was pretty much what I expected. Decent waffle, loved the hash browns, and best of all, it was really cheap. So, cheap and fatty and open at bizarre hours at night, I wonder why this hasn’t sprouted to every college town in America. 5 Guys: Actually, this place is in New Jersey. I think they got one or two locations up Route 1. But it’s not in New Brunswick proper, which is the point of this article. Another premium burger joint, yes, but at the same time, it’s different in that they... use peanut oil. Not a big difference, yeah, but it does seem sorta cool. In conclusion, we have good food options, but one can never have too much variety. And yeah, most of this stuff is fatty, but we have grease trucks; we shouldn’t complain.
Well, that’s the last issue of the semester. Submit your stuff to Opinions@themedium. net and I’ll print it in january. Unless I’m Dead.
THE MEDIUM
ARTS
Wednesday, December 10rd, 2008
“BONJOUR”
From the desk of Pablo Jose, EIC Dear Readers, To those who don’t like us, you probably aren’t reading this. To those who liked us better 2 years ago, thanks for sticking around and stay tuned. To those who like us better now, you probably wrote this. My goal was to create a paper I would like to read. I failed. My friends created a paper I love to read. Love ya, PJ P.S. – HAVE A GOOD SUMMER K.I.T. BFF 4 EVER Editors Note: Your best friend forever doesn’t have time to fully write that out?
Webcomics: A General Guide It has come to my attention that a great many people read webcomics, and here I was thinking I was the only one. Well, I compiled a list of some comics that you may not have heard of, and a few you should steer clear of.
a turn-based strategy gamer who gets placed in a world that follows the rules of a turn-based strategy. It’s funny and smart.
one is that he does/did a million of the things. He even got carpal tunnel because of it. Artists suffering for their work.
Order of the Stick- Hosted on the same website, this one is about a dungeons and dragons Webcomics that are group. Heavier on hugood: mor, however it is still a very well done comic. Erfworld- This one has only been running for Anything done by KC about two years now, Green- The dude is but is one of the clever- fucking brilliant. His est and most compelling comics are all wonderentries into the web- ful. The reason that I comic genre. It’s about don’t have a specific
Kate Beaton’s comicsShe puts comics online, I’m not sure if I would classify them as webcomics, but there is no better classification for them. Very, very clever history-based humor, although that is not her sole domain. Gunnerkrigg Court- A story about a boarding school that may have a
I can do one of these too! The position of ad-hoc Arts Editor was thrust upon me this semester, and I spent a good deal of time writing editorials, begging for submissions, and drawing shitty comics. Well, I thought I would be able to finish this semester strong, getting more submissions than I would know what to do with. This was not the case, however, and I was disappointed by your poor showing. Yet again. I was forced to do another comic, this time without the aid of a graphic tablet, because my com-
puter has been out of commission for the better part of a week at this point, making such an action impossible. Anyways, no matter how much I griped, I did in fact enjoy this semester as your Arts editor, like I missed my appointments as News and Features before it. I move onto bigger and better things, but I’ll be sticking with this paper. See you in the next Semester. Your Managing Editor, Cal En
bit more super-science and magic than your average school. Captivating and beautiful, a definite recommendation.
much anime they watch and no matter how many pornographic games they masturbate to. The worst offender, the creator of this comic, exacerbates the problem Achewood- Achewood is one of by putting his pathetic attempts on the best things in the whole world. the internet for the world to see. It is nigh-perfectly written with a And then they keep reading and cast of characters colorful enough buying his shitty merchandise and to make up for the grayscale man- OH GOD I HATE PEOPLE. ner in which they are drawn. There is no better webcomic. VG Cats- This comic is a disappointment. A great deal of the Webcomics that are shit: early comics were quite good, but then the artists began falling into Ctrl-Alt-Del- There is no, NO shit- some manner of comfort zone and tier webcomic on all the internets started to stop writing jokes in lieu than this one. Lackluster art, jokes of making every comic a parade that consistently fall on their face. of silly faces that are supposed to People that laugh at this comic are replace a punchline somehow. I stupid people. dunno.
Megatokyo- White people will I think I hit on all the big ones. never be Japanese, no matter how That’s it for me this year, CYA!!!
THE MEDIUM (To the dashing young gentledude with the equally dashing fro at the Medium’s Night of 1003 Laughs: Let me just reiterate how huge your hair poof is... whoaaa...) To the girl who dropped her donut on the ground, picked it up, looked around to see if anyone was watching, and continued to munch... apparently you were unaware that I witnessed the spectacle from exactly 10 feet behind you; almost as unaware that the five second rule is totally obliterated when the offending surface is covered in dirt, gravel, and geese shit (Donuts are conglomerated shit to begin with, what’s a little extra dirt gonna do?) To the guy who was throwing shit at the band during the Louiseville game: Burn in hell you fucking piece of shit! You sent a girl to the fucking hospital because you just HAD to throw your snickers bar at the band. You are a fucking douche bag, and have at least 200 new enemies. (But thanks for the water bottle full of vodka- it’s too bad you missed and didn’t manage to hit anyone with that, but it was a nice present) I just have the wild urge to type the word Octopus, there’s like no place to actually use it and I’m getting mentally backed up because of it. Octopus, octopus, octopus, OCTOPUS!!! OOOCCTTOPUUUUUSSSS!! OOHHYEEEAAAH!! (I think I nessed an
just witorgasm...)
To ProCaulk: although I do not have any need for caulking the silicone boundaries you produce as seen on tv are so sexily smooth that I must purchase some for $19.95 plus shipping and handling Is the Mexican in the burrito, or the burrito in the Mexican, or are we all just pawns of the gods in Jason and the Argonauts? To my shit: you kinda smell if nothing stands out on this page this week, then I have accomplished something
PERSONALS
The inevitable mental breakdown 2008
“Only I didn’t say “Fudge.” I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the ‘F-dash-dash-dash’ word!”
To the girl who eats a lot of cookies at Busch dining hall. Omg, I love cookies too! We should hang out and bake cookies and eat them! Don’t feel bad about your eating habits because of what some jerk off asian kid t h i n k s . To the person who said bad things about the guy with two hickeys on his neck last week. He is probably already very self-conscious and you’re making him feel worse. Why do you feel the need to put others down? You are damaging your spirituality. I love you. (I keep getting these fluffy submissions from you, so now I’m just gonna calm down and attempt to respond in kind... thank you young man!... for your delightful submission... arrgh...OF COMPLETE AND UTTER INANENESS! Why don’t you just take your joy and start your own publication... the Happy Rainbow Unicorn Funtime Kiss Babies Try to Forget We’re in the Heart of Jersey Entertainment Weekly) Hi Kaitie! I decided to come over from my side and tell you how big of a stupid bitch you are. You’re a stupid bitch :-). I’ll be looking foward to making your life totally hellish next semester :-p. Love Satanic Yoda, your co-editor
Hey, Brett Hall 3rd Floor: I AM THE PHANTOM SHITTER!!! muwahaahahahahahhaha I hope you like my Brower induced explosive shit in the handicap stall it because I’m not gonna stop anytime soon :) (You know, the best part about this is that your names actually appear in my inbox when you submit stuff...“phantom” shitter I think not...)
Octopuusss! I love how chill the drinking rules at rutgers are. people drink on any given night in the dorms. they even stole tables and a couch to put in their rooms. the 4th floor ra came back smashed on halloween dressed as a mental patient and ordered pizza for all the other drunk people! (People do not DRINK here... certainly not at college! Next you’re gonna tell me that we’re all here to learn! And that I’m not supposed to be peeing facing the toilet!)
If you happen to go anywhere near TBS, then over the course of the next three weeks this cheery lad’s image will be burned into your skull! Dear Urban Diva: Your pants are so tight they are eating you alive 22 days until the Twilight Zone Marathon on Sci-Fi— OhsweetmotherEcstasy!!! (Whoever wrote this is insanely awesome... oh right, it was me)
400 pages of Great Expectations before this Thursday. I am in a frigtastic situation. It’s almost as enthralling a read as Harry Potter and the Wet Dream. Kid’s get Gonorrhea from Passion Puddle just by walking by it
To the targum. You’re losing funding? hahahahaha. Well, maybe if you’d shared some o dat gold wif the medium, you’d be better karma come bite you in the ass. All your paper is good for is the comics page (which is lacking and limp and little) and for reporting football scores to me. I’m sorry. But seriously, what makes you think you deserve my money? I tried to get it back last year (sorta) and it didn’t work out you suck you suck and you should pay me to read your garbage explosion hotdog factory shit To the fatass EE driver who spent 10 minutes (literally) talking to her lesbian lover driving the F at Red Oak, have a conversation on your own fucking time, some people have to get to class. (Lets play “Who’s the real fatass?”: is it A) the busdriver who is required to stop at Red Oak, or B) the dumbshit who still hasn’t realized the bus nearly always stops there but remains resolutely parked on their bum.. despite EVERY Douglass classroom building being within a five-minute-walk radius) What is that I see on the floor, the floor of the bathroom, the floor of the bathroom, that’s making me stop and stare? What is that I see on the floor of the bathroom, why it’s a big heaping hunk o’ public hair!! Way to go Clothier hall 2nd floor! Guess hair loss is a necessary evil when you’re jacking up on roids! Dear “Pizza and Sa-laad” woman at Neilson takeout: I have never heard an accent like that in my entire nineteen years of life. Where in the woyuld are you from?! Dear every girl who wears leggings without bothering to cover your ass with a skirt—we all know how much you want to get naked but for the love of all that is holy and good put that away! Your rumpus and thunder thighs are not meant to milkshake and bring all the boys to the yard when you are in the public domain Pavement
ist
RAD!
arrgh, I have a leetle booger stuck up my nose.. it’s so dry and itty bitty and hurts like potato chip shards, but my finger is too short to reach it. Oh why finger, why must you ALWAYS fail me when I need you the most?! It seems that the small furry woodland creatures of Rutgers have chosen to hibernate on the heads of some unsuspecting students... who just all happen to be “hipsters” My life is like swimming in a steaming soup of emotion!! (You mean it’s like floating in steamy liquids amongst limp noodles, smelling like hot chicken chunks?) Dear Personals editor: I send you a stupid submission seeing how you are so deparate for them and you thank me by completely ripping it apart. So I’ll just return the favor and let all your readers know THE PERSONALS EDITOR IS A SENILE FROSTY BEYATCH WHO WILL MAKE ALL YOUR SUBMISSIONS A WASTE OF TIME! (If you’re looking to get your opinions falsely validated then talk to the Targum. for this is how I roll, fo shizzy whiz bang bang krunkin like dunkin donuts ainnit flyyy BRASS MONKEY! That funky monkey!!) Say there girl personals editor, since you’re always alluding to having an assbangin wild sex life, tell me, have you ever used edible panties? I’m thinking of getting some for the special lady in my life as a Christmas present ; ) (Hey naw, does this look like a sex column to you? ... however I will tell you that the material’s a great deal like Fruit by the Foot...well, what do you know—it’s just an allegory to the sex act itself! Oh, those clever edible underwear inventors, hehehoho) Roses are red, violets are blue, and my spleen itches : ( personals@themedium. net The Personals at the Medium is proudly supported from viewers like you. If it sucks, it’s because you do.
Wednesday, 10 December 2008 (Hey guys, sorry I wasn’t here last week, long story. And holy fuck is it cold out - the wind blew out my cigarette on the way to do this page. Sadly, this is our last time together for the year 2008. So lets get started! -D) To the student employee scum lords at the CookDouglas dining hall, Diet Pepsi means Diet Pepsi, not Root Beer, you retards. It’s bad enough a week later the problem was still there. And to the student employee scum at the Cook-Douglas take-out, people wouldn’t be baffled and perplexed by what you’re serving if at the entrance at 8PM you didn’t have “LUNCH MENU: SUBS, PIZZA, PASTA.” Eat shit and get fired, probably get fucked too. Your admittance is a sign Rutgers is really a piece of shit school, certainly not the prestigious school it’s touted of being. Late, but to the drunk blonde-haired moron with the equally blonde, but ridiculous John Holmes-esque mustache who was on the L during the blackout, you’re lucky the guy you kept slamming into on the bus was so passive like the idiots in the Personals of this paper. If you did that shit to me, I would have knocked your blue party cup out of your hand and onto you. I was hoping you would fall out of the bus as I was getting off at the Harrison stop which you almost did, but you didn’t and that made me QQ on the way home. In short, I hope you get fucked up and someone shaves your insane mustache. (Well, why didn’t you kick his ass, pussy? If you actually had the balls to knock that fucker on his ass, maybe less people would be douchy assholes on the bus, coward.) Dear Asian Yo Yo kid on the EE bus; You are so annoying with your wierd, fucking yo yo and I am going to strangle you with it if you do not stop i t .
PERSONALS
“Your baby was crying... so I set it on fire.” to the complete bag of douche i’d like to take a moment to To whichever drunken dumin 9:50 A.M. linguistics: thank my downstairs neigh- bass dropped their bag of FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. bor for the drunken naked weed on frat row on Thursit’s atrocious enough that I wrestling between the sheets day night: thanks! What have to wake up that early to sit times that i never remember a nice thing to find on the thru nonsense. then your but vaguely recall being way home from a Friday gangly self comes strolling in enjoyable. how bout we jump morning class. You dropped and doesn’t shut the fuck up on the good foot and do the some dank-ass bud and we for EIGHTY MIN- bad thing again real soon! smoked it right away. I UTES. your possy of Dear roommate, I never hope you continue to be other lads who most like- thought that anyone in the that stupid and leave more ly also get railed in the world could make me so little surprises around camass and participate in male mad for so many stupid pus for us to find. Love the trains are just as harmful to reasons. You make ev- Spic, Frenchy, and Guinie my well-being. why can’t eryday normal things To the assholes who cut you understand that the pro- so fuckin annoying us in line for Take-Out, fessor nervously giggles be- such as: walking (like a I find it fitting that you cause she feels sorry for your fairy), eating (in front of went specifically for Fried pathetic excuse of a boy. if the refrigerator with the Chicken and Orange you ever procreate i’m im- door open, sitting on the Soda 10 minutes bemediately going down the floor, while chewing sooooo fore the doors closed. river. just so you know. fuckin loud that we get noise Too bad they were out To all the fuckers on my violations past 11:00pm), of Orange Soda though. floor-for once, just shut the and talking to me when I am Enjoy your food, fuckers. fuck up. Quit your bullshit clearly in bed, turned the oth- To my bitchy neighabout MATLAB, sine, x, er way. Notice how I don’t bors on Sicard st., theta, etc. I am sick of all answer you?Yeah, I’m sleep- You are the worst human your shit. I am sick of the lil ing. Oh and you know what beings on the planet. If wayne and other rap bullshit else would be great, if you you have something to you insist upon playing at could put some clothes say to me then say it to 90,000 dB. Also, please, for on your nasty old baby my face instead of leavonce, quit running around at man body. Thanks. ing a fucking note on my 4 am screaming like children. Even though there is car! What the hell is your Leave the dorm for once. so much more I could say problem? Seriously, you F u c k . about you, I guess I’m done skanks don’t even have (They’re called EAR- complaining, this is getting the balls to say shit to PLUGS, dumbass. While kinda long. YOU SUCK!! my face, but believe you’re at it, there are also I just saw the gay- me, next time I see you, things called Tubal Li- est guy on Earth. you’re getting a bitch out! gation and a vasectomy. Please look into whichever procedure applies to you.) To all ya New Brunswick students...my bro goes to ya campus and I go to Newark...from what i seen... you guys suck dick!!! We got more indians than yall and we can strap bombs to them and make them go to ya campus to blow all the other asians up...BOOYA!!! (So you’re claiming that Newark is superior to New Brunswick because you have more Indian terrorists. Ignoring the fact that you go to RU Newark, therefore, negating your opinion completely, you can keep them, I like my life. I hope one of them blows you up, twat.) By Satanic Yoda To the blaq girl in my develCo-Editor Of This Shit opment of u no what class... its been was good sitting Why is the baby above crying? next to u...ur cute and funny (ZOMG a personal that isnt A. Because he just had a bad day with Michael Jackson offensive! the world will B. Because he is from New Jersey and knows he will end and we will win against inevitably end up at Rutgers in 18 years louiseville! holy shit its C. Because he was just diagnosed with c a n c e r happend! AAAAAHHHH) D. Because the Rutgers Review continues to exist (You said “blaq”. I se- E. Because it’s the last issue of The Medium for the seriously hope you die.) mester, and his life is completely meaningless without it.
Medium Poll
THE MEDIUM (This one is maaad long, but I like it so I’m gonna break it up into segments. Way to take up an entire column, you attention-seeking whore!) To every single RUPD whose fucked over a student. I would like to say thank you. Thank you for amounting to nothing in your life but a fucking pig. Thank you for arresting me this past monday while registering and studying for classes because “you received a complaint of marijuana odor coming from my room.” Thank you for being a complete fuckin asshole after I cooperated with you and showed you that all I had was a joint rolled from the prior week that was going to be smoked after my last midterm. Thank you for processing me as a criminal in the state of NJ. RUPD, and this goes for all police in New Jersey, hop off the dunkin donuts dick and go fight real crime. You are all a bunch of soft ass pussys that go fuckin students in the ass rather than cathcing the bad guys on our streets. A student such as myself who is hard working and dedicated should not be worrying about a stupid simlple marijuana charge, I have enough on my plate. So once again RUPD, Thank you and do yourselves all a favor and shuv your fuckin nightsticks up your asses you might just enjoy it. Half of you cunts have never even pulled out your firearm on duty. I think I have an idea where it may come in handy, to all RUPD, take your handgun, put the barrel in your mouth and try pulling the trigger as many times as possible. Also I would like the opportunity to thank Public Safety for the RU Screw. Your “rent-a-cops” who are all pushing 85 years old and need huge amounts of viagra to get erections, thank you. Thank you for all the parking tickets you give out. Both you and the RUPD and take my dick whole and while your at it, please swallow my balls too. You are all the shit of our society, do something productive with your lives, you all amount to nothing. Finally I hope you all rot in eternal hell. (See you next semester!)
THE MEDIUM
WHAT’S SHAKIN’?
Wednesday, December 10th, 2008
“Oh my bad, I thought we was takin’ a vote.”
On Campus
On This Day In History
1423 - Mike Teel born out a raging ball of fury.
December 12 - “My Changing Body” Panel discussion with four pre-pubescent lepers at the RSC MPR. 8:00 PM
1845 - Three Hungarians invent the Mexican Omelette using a mako shark, a backscratcher, and two-ply toilet paper.
December 13 - Come play frisbee with the Machine Ultimate team at Buccleuch Park! Pickup starts at 1, group smokeup behind the swing set at 12:30.
1990 - Our newly appointed drug czar, Jim Ramstad, overcomes his addiction to marijuana legislation.
December 17 - Stay indoors because The Medium won’t be printing!
1994 - Amanda absolutely cannot believe it. Is she dreaming?
Off Campus
December 11 - Supreme Court to announce verdict of Bob the Builder v. Obama, on grounds of intellectual theft of the popular slogan, “Yes We Can” December 24- If memory holds right, Liberty Science Center will be scarcely populated today. Check it out and beat the crowds.
2006 - One million Lebanese supporters gather in Beirut to condemn the popular college drinking game
JOIN THE STAFF NEXT SEMESTER. MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS, FOURTH FLOOR OF RSC
December 25 - National Go Eat Chinese and See a Movie Day
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