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december 6th, 2017
Volume LIV Issue XII 50¢ GOING HAM
GOP TAX BILL INCLUDES SECRET FDR RECIPE FOR STEAMED HAM SUE DE NIM KOSHER-AMERICAN
WASHINGTON — The recent Republican proposed tax bill has just been passed in Congress 51-49, and with it, some new changes, including a corporate tax cut from 35% to 20%. But unbeknownst to most, the republicans have also snuck in other big legislations such as the allowance of drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. However, the biggest thing that they have managed to sneak past the public was the long kept secret FDR recipe for steamed ham. This recipe has been kept a secret from the American public for over 70 years, despite numerous protests attempting to have it released. The official
CIA statement regarding its confidentiality from 2015 states, “The United States government has found that the Roosevelt ham recipe is too important to
release. If the Russians were to get their hands on it, the socioeconomic consequences could be devastating.” The original recipe Continued on Page 2
IT'S MY TIME TO SHINE
LOCAL SENIOR CONVINCED THIS IS THE SEMESTER HIS GRADES GET BETTER MIKE HAWK PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER
NEW BRUNSWICK — Squilliam Fancyson, a senior here at Rutgers University is excited as the first semester of his senior year comes to a close. Fancyson has endured 3 rough years as an aspiring engineering major and produced completely less than stellar grades in every way all through his years at the university. Determined, Fancyson refuses to let his grades suffer from the same fate as they have the previous 3 years. To facilitate his new
found academic success, Fancyson has made a list for us to ensure great grades during the semester . “The first change I made is that I now get high every night
and when I say every night, I mean every night; even when you have an exam the next morning. It’ll make you concentrate more to compensate. Second, lose all your friends. Not because they Continued on Page 2
PROCRASTINATING Since 1970
QUICKIES
Kermit The Frog Accused Of Sexual Assault No Players Enters Draft To Prevent Going To Browns Dora The Explorer Accuses Swiper The Fox Of Sexual Assault Big Chill Goes Poorly After Replacing Mascot With Actual Polar Bear Fire On Easton Ave: Kind Of a Let Down
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NEWS
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"Looking for horny singles in my area"
HO HO HO NOOOOOO
CHRISTMAS TO BE CANCELLED AS SANTA PUT ON SEX OFFENDERS WATCHLIST IVAN YAKINOFF I'VE BEEN YAKKING OFF
NORTH POLE- After a year long investigation into the rumors that Santa isn't actually real, a recent raid by Interpol revealed that Santa does indeed exist, but isn't exactly the jolly old man that we expected him to be. A search of his mega factory turned up thousands of kid elves, many who were kidnapped and forced into child labor, and an entire storage room of counterfeit toy parts smuggled from China. But the most shocking find was the secret room in the basement and all the shocking revelations that followed afterwards. An in depth search of the secret room showed that Santa was quite the party animal. He threw huge raves every week and did massive amounts of blow and acid. Documents found in the room also showed that Santa was a pimp and ran the North Pole’s biggest elf prostitution ring. After being arrested and asked to explain himself to the authorities about this, Santa simply said, “My catchphrase is Ho Ho Ho, seriously guys, where in the world did you think that came from?”. After his arrest was made public, more disastrous news about Santa came to light. Taking advantage of the timing with all the sex abuse scandals going on in Hollywood right now, many
of his former elf workers and prostitutes came forward about their history with Santa. “Every day Master Claus would just wake me up from bed and make me sit on his lap just to fondle his beard for hours on end. He would then set me up in a room in with a video camera and force me to make cookie baking videos. His weird fetish tormented me for years” said Brunelfa, one of Santa’s long time prostitutes. Santa’s sex workers weren't the only ones to go through this kind of abuse. Many of his factory line workers have also shared similar stories about their abuse with Santa. These serious revelations were enough to put Santa in the sex offenders list. The terms of being on this list gave all of his workers and prostitutes a lifetime restraining order against him as well as banning him
from being in any building or house where there are children present. This means that he will no longer be able to operate his factory with his child elves nor be able to sneak into kids’ houses to drop presents. With no one to help make toys anymore, Santa, speaking from a video feed while in prison, has decided to officially cancel Christmas. “To all the great people of Earth, there will be no Christmas this year as I will not be able to employ my child elves or go into your houses anymore. While I can employ actual adults and another mall Santa to take my place and to work in my factory, all of them keep talking about nonsense like minimum wage, unions, vacations, and benefits. Since I don't understand this urban slang, I've decided it's not worth dealing with adults. So Christmas is a no go.”
NEWS IN PICTURES
Editorial Staff Fall
Wednesday, December 6th, 2017
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
PROFESSORS HATE HIM GRADES
...continued from front
provided some sort of distraction to you from your work, but because they are all tired of your self destructive behavior and refuse to be associated with you anymore. As the depression kicks in, you’ll start to bury yourself in other distractions. This is where getting high every day helps and because the guilt you have for getting high every night is so high, you’ll make sure you get your work done. All of this coupled with the fact that you’re graduating soon and if you don’t get your life together, you’ll end up homeless, will ensure you have a great and successful semester.” It appears that this method of living life ˙as worked wonders for Fancyson and his grades. In the future, Fancyson hopes to publish a book on how to be successful and believes he will be able to translate his new found success to a life after college.
DEATH AND HAM GOP TAX BILL
...continued from front
concocted by the late president was made in 1946, and was a response to the Great Depression as a cheap and easy food any good, American, homeless family could make. Historians have speculated that it single handedly saved the American economy from utter destruction, but now republicans seem to be disrespecting its impact. “That recipe is a staple of this country and has no right being released to the world. It needs to be kept secret so stupid idiots can’t screw it up,” said famous chef and T.V. star Gordon Ramsay. Many people are defending the move, saying it will allow all Americans to cook like a president. “Why do I care if the fuckin’ wheelchair president wants to keep his ham recipe a secret. I want to learn how boil a cow in water for sustenance.” Right now, the bill stands at a 25% approval rating among the public, and continues to drop. The senate has still been trying to advertise for its success, claiming that they have finally gotten through “Lower taxes, more jobs, and better cooked meat for all.”
get ready mother fuckers Andrew Blustein Jake Goldstein Alex Hawley
Fratypus
News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Gavin Briggs-Perez Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Shaina Joseph Features Editor Rob Sanchez
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Dan Cretella Scott Hoberman Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Bot flies
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This article is dedicated to everyone that is still winging life.
FEATURES
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“A text heavy issue. I wouldn’t blame you if you just flipped the page.”
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
PANT OF THE WEEK
On this day in 1884, the Washington Monument was erected in Washington D.C., not Washington state, because NEWSFLASH Washington didn’t become a state until 1889. Anyway, the architect of this giant penis building was said to have a tiny, tiny dick and designed all the bathrooms with no urinal barriers to “save money”. Still not sure what this building does, which is more of a testament to my shitty high school history teachers than anything.
Pants #4: The Buns of Steel “--” “POETRY” BY: SOME FRESHMAN BAIT MAJOR ‘My eyes are fully open to my awful situation I should go at once to Guidance and make them an oration I shall tell them I’ve recovered my forgotten academics And desire more than management and monetary eclectics Now I do not wish to perish by poverty and hunger
SUPER SMASH BROS. MELEE CHARACTERS
Better (Worse?) White Elephant Gift for Secret Santa? Donald Trump Chia Pet
vs.
15 Unplanted Seeds for a Bonsai Tree
But a computational engagement would make me live much longer Which is why I’ve decided to write to you this letter Full of hope that you can make all this seem a little better. If I were not a little mad and generally silly I would give you a course of action willy-nilly I would tell you in a moment what I intend to do
I (FOSTER) CARE ABOUT YOU
But I’m afraid that at the moment I really haven’t a clue Computer Engineering seems a far more appealing option
How to Foster a Sense of Community on the Bus: By: The Nifty Knitter 1. Make individual eye contact with each and every person sitting in a seat or standing. 2. Always offer your seat or the seat of someone who looks physically capable of standing to someone who looks physically incapable of standing. 3. Always engage in conversation with the bus driver. 4. Always welcome people as they enter the bus. 5. Always wish people well as they exit the bus. 6. If someone starts eating something with nuts, make sure to make an announcement to see if anyone has allergies. 7. Offer to hold someone’s backpack if they look worn out. 8. Offer your lap to children when there are no seats left, they have poor balance. 9. If someone is listening to music, be sure to ask who the artist is. 10. Offer the person next to you one of your headphones if you’re listening to music.
Than my previous commitment to whatever won the auction But my Sunk Cost fallacy is making me RBS’s debtor, Making me extremely hesitant; so I write to you this letter If I had been so lucky as to have a good guidance counsellor Who asked me more about my interests and less about my AP score She could give me good advice when she saw that I was erring And tell me that my passion for computers was a-stirring And my existence might have made a rather interesting slider For my dream job involves a computer and screwdriver So I believe that that I could easily make it as a creator I just need to speak with an advisor and then I think I’ll take ‘er. And so to you I write to you this pestilential letter Full of confusion, angst, and hopelessness, So I hope you make me feel better.’
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, December 6th, 2017
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“It’s a man issue”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How much evidence does there have to be for you to feel morally wrong about voting for a child predator/sexual assaulter? “If he didn’t do it to me, I’m fine with it. ” Joe The Lord Cumeth, and the Lord Smoketh a Cigarette.
“Somewhere in between the preponderance of evidence and beyond all reasonable doubt.” John Harrison Law student
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
MORE TAXES ARE GOOD BY RAUL
I’m a taxi driver. I don’t understand why all of these silly people are getting upset about this new taxi plan. I’m all for more taxis, they are the reason my family is surviving. I came to America when I was 25 years old and got my first taxi in Queens and it’s given me the ability to bring my whole family to the States for a better life. In my old country used to live in a one room shack 150 miles away from the nearest major city and now we live in the biggest city in the world, New York. More taxis will only provide more people with the opportunities I had. I have demand from customers 24/7 and have total flexibility. Taxi driving is a profession anyone with a driver’s license can pursue. I tried to become a pilot, but they wouldn’t let me. Thanks to taxis, my family and I are living the American dream. Now if only we could afford to pay income taxes...
MORE TAXES ARE BAD. BY PAUL
“C’mon, if we refused to support every man who’s been accused of sexual assault by dozens of women, well there just wouldn’t be anyone left to vote for!” Paul Sputlit Retired Priest.
LET’S MIX IT UP A BIT
WHITE PEOPLE NEED TO DIE BY BILL O’LEARY
Yeah. That’s right, you read that right, white people need to die. I don’t mean every single one of them. But I do believe we—yeah that’s right, I’m a whitey too—need to shed some blood. Every time I see the headline, “Man shot by police,” I hope that the victim is a white male. It’s only fair. We deserve it. Each time, I open up my laptop and click on the news links to see if I’m going to see the face of a white bastard, deserving of a bullet, and instead it’s always some poor, black kid, who was wearing a hoodie, or walking down the street with skittles. It’s just so unjust that only minorities are shot by police and I believe that maybe the best way to get over the racial divide in this country is to allow for the score to be evened. I firmly believe whitey has to spill some blood to make that happen, only then will our country be united. I offer to be first.
I study economics at school. This guy has a fundamental misunderstanding of taxis. We have moved beyond taxis, it’s 2017. This is the age of Uber and Lyft. Ridesharing is the new transportation model. For people to truly thrive in a capitalistic society such as ours, there needs to be more competition than taxi driving with fixed rates allows. With the dynamic pricing model unique to ride-sharing services, when there is more demand, drivers can increase rates to reflect increased value and accommodate the shortage of drivers. That is the power of capitalism.
The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Send your hate mail to not me. We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com You know what sucks? When you have just a small amount of extra space and you need something to fill it in with, so you just have to type something up. That’s why this exists. Like seriously, what else can I put in this place? A picture? It’s too tiny! You know what I really liked this week? One of you people sent me an email. I appreciated that, like it was pretty cool. You should send more. Please, please, please send more. Also write more opinions, I love your opinions, just like I love the taste of a cool refreshing Snapple on a warm day. You here that Snapple? That’s advertisement, so give me free shit. Ok, I think we’re done here.
Wednesday, December 6nd, 2017
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ARTS
“Getting personally attacked...just because I haven’t touched a condom in years”
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“GREAT FOR BUSINESS” BY NET NEUTRALITY
“RUSSIAN ROULLETTE” @THESTANDARDCOMIC
“BUSINESS MODEL” BY ANDREW WILSON
“AMERICAN GOVERNMENT” BY JOHN DOWD
JOIN THE MEDIUM. COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS AND SHARE YOUR ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT IDEAS. WEDNESDAYS, ROOM 439, COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 8PM “PENATODE” BY THE EPISODE OF SPONGEBOB WHERE THE NEMATODE SUCKED HIS PINEAPPLE JUICE
PERSONALS
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“I’m gonna fail my extra credit”
Oral Exam
Creepy Cartoons
I sucked off my professor and he still has not changed my exam grade. (Did you work the balls? I know that knocks off points.) I’ve been noticing the moon getting bigger lately and I am starting to get concerned.
Courage the Cowardly Dog was a messed up show, but we were all ok with it. Like to see that shit get pulled now. (I’m not so sure about that. You see any recent episodes of Yo! Gabba Gabba? They took that show into some weird places.) I need to beat my meat better. Looking to make my steaks more tender. (You just got to be careful. I hear that if you wait to long between beating your meat you can get a lot more white residue than usual. I don like a lot of fat on my steak.) BEST cult just sacrificed two students to their elder god and people still refuse to stop them. (Wait, I know who you are talking about... They transfered to Rowan, they just got a better taste in schools. Atleast so I heard.)
(With any luck it is crashing down and I can finally see if my ocarina works.) It is 5:30 p.m. on a Tuesday and my roommate is still asleep. (Have you checked thier pulse? I thought I was in your situation until I realized he was stabbed to death.) I’m gonna try Destroy Dick December. (Is that how people now say they are coming out as Trans on Christmas? Unless you are transitioning to male in which case is it Deliver a Dick December.)
Wednesday, Decamber 6th, 2017
SAY GOODBYE TO THIS AD
See us in Jan. Wed. 7:45pm CASC 411B
QOTD
Trojan War
Lmao you guys are ridiculous, gotta love Mason Gross. Love getting personally insulted for saying that I haven’t touched a condom in years. Y’all need an ego check, didn’t even explain one reason behind what I said either. Ontop of that, I shouldn’t have too. Respect my opinions and decisions just like I respect yours. I don’t tell you how to live your life, I don’t judge you and tell you your descisions are wrong. Learn what a classroom is damn. (If your pull-out game is weak, can you name your kid after me?)
“Yo ho ho ho, and a bottle of rum.”
Seasons Feedings
I’m gonna get so fat over Christmas break. Like I think my therapist has you don’t even know. a crush on me. He keeps (Please, my mother used to work at a bakery. My house trying to be nice to me. smells like gingerbread ass (Ugh typical men using until Febuary.) their positions of power to take advantage of women. I started playing the new Keep resisting girl or guy, Call of Duty game and it you are too strong and in- just isn’t the same now that I’m not a 12 year old. dependant for this shit.) (I know how you feel. I’m at Will I be allowed to go to the age where I could actuclass high once weed is ally be fucking the mothers legal? of kids online and have it be (What, do you not already?) ok.) They are going to change Asking again, is there still Apu in the Simpsons. I enough time to bring all dont know how to feel my grades up past F’s? (I’m not a praying man, I about it. (That show died years ago.) believe actions is the will of god compeling me to help. How do I get the uned- I’m praying for you.) ited version of Stuart Anyone think that AmerLittle 2? ica is about to implode? (The one with the sex (After this tax rewrite scenes? I’d try online pretty much killed higher cracks of it, best of luck it is education in this country, an amazing film.) FUCK YEAH IT IS.)
Full-on-therapy
-Pirate Santa
Muse(Not the Band) How do you write so much for this page. It seems like you might just take a lot of stuff from other sources. (Out damn spot! out, I say. why, then ‘tis time to do’t. Hell is murky! Fie my lord fie! A soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account? Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him.) I’m so pumped for all the non-Christmas holidays to come around. (There really needs to be more holiday specials about these other holidays. I’m sick of all the same themes coming up in movies.) I ran out of ideas. Those who read this every week I only have to say... (I’ll probably win the vote to do this next semester so bring your A game.)
PAGE A7
Wednesday, December 6th, 2017
“You COULD pay me enough to wake up at 6 AM“-Alex
themedium.a7@gmail.com
The Death of 20 year old, 13 year old, and Angela Merkel Part 6 Angela Merkel: So, veere ver vee. 20 year old: Honestly I have no idea. Where were we? 13 year old: I don’t know DEBRA, but I think it’s time we change that. 20 year old: What does that even mean Dev. 13 year old: This whole time I’ve been sitting here thinking about how we really wanted to get off that train, and now we’re off the train, and I don’t know what to do with that. *20 year old searches through her bag* 13 year old: What are you getting? *20 year old takes out a pair of intricate lampshades* 13 year old: What are those for? 20 year old: You’ll see. *she places one on her head and it stays balanced, slowly a light starts to emerge from her forehead* 13 year old: OHHH, *he too takes a lampshade and puts it on his head, the same thing happens to him* Angela Merkel: Dev, I must tell you something now, my name is not Angela Merkel, my name is Debra, I’m you(turns to 20 year old) from the future. *20 year old nods her head, she knows* 13 year old: Wait I don’t understa-*he gets electrocuted* OHHHHH shit, yeah I get it 20 year old: Dev, you’re ENLIGHTENED, get it together. Angela Merkel: I’m not German, I’m you ,well I mean you’re German but like second generation German, so I don’t know if that counts, whatever. 20 year old: What happens now? Angela Merkel(Debra, 43 years later): You will go back in time and become Prime Minister of Germany. Dev: And what about me? Angela Merkel: Dev, you get to take over our family subway sandwich joint on Waverly Place. Dev: Aww SWEET!! THE END
Zombies Invade SOE? By Heywood Jablomi Upholds standards of research
the Medium THE MEDIUM PORNOGRAPHIC TRADING CARDS by: Ivan Yakinoff
YOU KNOW THOSE STAIRS THAT ARE LIKE NOT BIG ENOUGH TO WALK DOWN COMFORTABLY BUT NOT SMALL ENOUGH TO SKIP TWO AT A TIME? PRETTY RELATABLE.
COME JOIN THE MEDIUM WE’RE RELATABLE. Wednesdays,7:45 in The College Avenue Student Center Room 411B Submit to page A7 themedium.a7@gmail.com
The Poll. According to a recent poll by some incredibly reliable and renowned scientists, we have reason to believe that the School of Engineering has been invaded by zombies. The poll was performed on an official Rutgers University page, and can be seen below: As you can tell, over one hundred and fifty scientists voted in this poll, and a whopping one hundred of them declared the School of Engineering to be the zombie host of Rutgers University. This is clear evidence that the zombies are here and they’re all nerds, people. You just can’t deny this hard science. Fortunately, there’s no need to panic. As the zombies are turned engineering students, they couldn’t run very fast or hit very hard in the first place. It’s very likely that the zombified SOE students will continue not getting laid and complaining about their excessive workload. The geese continue to present a larger risk to Busch Campus than the School of Engineering.
December 6th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com HATERS AND (FANTASY) LOSERS. SAD!
TRUMP PLACES DEAD LAST IN GOVERNMENT FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE league this year. Finishing with only one win, Trump’s team placed dead last in a league filled with other political figures. Trump’s only victory this season was over Hillary Clinton’s team in the early weeks. His first mistake was using his first round pick to secure handsome, white millionaire Tom Brady.
"AN EXPERT AT MISMANAGING THINGS " Donald Trump has led his football team to the bottom of league standings this season while simultaneously doing the same to the USA. BY THROB LOWE SUFFERS FROM DRY SCALP
WASHINGTON—As this year's NFL season winds down to an end, fantasy winners and losers are beginning to secure
their finishing spots. The most notable loser, is the one and only Donald J. Trump, coming in dead last in the government’s
“Brady is the best player on the field. Only haters and losers would pass on him in 1st rnd. Dems picked shady characters and Pittsburgh players. Sad!” Trump tweeted out at 3 a.m. the night of his draft. The one place Trump shined this season was on the league message boards, where he managed to send more messages
than his team scored points all season. According to statistics pulled from ESPN’s fantasy app, Trump’s team didn’t score more than 75 points during any given matchup. "He spends so much time on his phone, you'd think he could do some research," said Paul Ryan "In the draft he took Brady and the Browns D early because Cleveland hosted the RNC." When prompted to give a statement on his poor standing in the league, Trump told reporters that they were the ones in last and he was undefeated. Trump is set to face Bernie Sanders in the toilet bowl this year. However, Sanders remains confident after a suspicious loss to Clinton last year.
Top 10 Worst Sports Teams and Gronk Now Losing Brain Cells in Football and Fight Club Franchises of All Time
BY THROB LOWE
Any Ew.
1 Philadelphia
team.
2
6 Olympic
Any basketball team that isn't the USA.
7
Obviously the Cleveland The 2017 New York Giants Browns. :(
3
Any California hockey team.
based
8 Two words: Rutgers. Football.
9 The San Antonio Stars.
4 The Entire MLS.
5 The Long Island Lizards.
10
My nephew's little league team.
Drowning our salads in Ranch SINCE 1970