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January 25th, 2017
Volume LII Issue xII 50¢ DEF NOT MAD
SENIOR CONVINCED THIS WILL BE THE SEMESTER HE RAISES GPA BY GRIND ALL EXPLORA REPORTA
NEW BRUNSWICK--Second semester senior Dan Harrison has recently declared that this semester, his final semester, will be the time when he finally gets his grades up. In a dramatic Facebook post Harrison spoke about his past academic struggles. "I've been too busy partying" he said in the post. "I've never focused on my school work but I'm finally realizing that in order to succeed after graduation I need to get at least a 3.0. I am determined to do that this semester." Harrison's goal came as a surprise to family and friends. Those closest to him described him as a "careless party animal with no sense of responsibility". "Last time I checked he had like a 2.1 or something"
TOTALLY DELUSIONAL Dan Harrison pathetically believing he could actually pull a 3.0 out of his ass
said roommate Christian Donnell. A recent statement from his academic advisor, Sarah Burn, confirmed this statement. "Dan has barely made it through college. He has scraped
a D out of almost every class. If he pulls out a 3.0 I would literally tear off my own leg and eat it. That's how much I am sure that he is incapable of Continued on Page 2
Sean Spicer Goes Home To Cry Into Pillow
WASHINGTON, D.C.— White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer reportedly went home to scream into his pillow today, according to several
Come To Open Mic Night!
Oh God! God damn it, was it the nightmare one or the other one?
CRYBABY IN CHIEF
BY RADIO RAHEEM DOES THE RIGHT THING
QUICKIES
sources. After a heated press conference where Spicer grilled the media for reporting things he says, Spicer went home to his apartment and spent about 25 minutes tearfully screaming into a single pillow. After a significant amount
of time had passed, Spicer’s muffled screams into his pillow slowed down to a gentle sobbing. “They need to leave me the fuck alone,” cried Spicer, into his pillow, “What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?” An exhausted Spicer, after a solid half hour of yelling and crying into his pillow, then fell into a gentle, rage-induced peaceful slumber. This is no isolated incident, however. The Press Secretary was recently appointed to his new position by President Trump’s administration, and it has been an eventful transition. During his very first White House press conference, Spicer spent approximately three minutes yelling at reporters for Continued on Page 2
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NEWS
"I can't believe I shaved my balls for this..."
DUMPSTER FIRE
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ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS POPULAR THAN WALMART
New Brunswick Garbage AIDS-Riddled Men To Host Trash Needles More Popular Throwing Competition Than Local Kmart CAILLOU LOCAL HEROIN ADDICT
Somerset - Recent reports have determined that the newly opened pile of used, rusty, AIDS infected needles is more popular than the Kmart on Easton Avenue. Just last week, the Kmart had a total of 3 visitors, while the needles had almost double that amount. Owner of the pile of used, rusty, AIDS infected needles Jack Smithers, 43, seems to understand the large difference in popularity between the two establishments. "Our newly opened pile of used, rusty, AIDS infected needles just has a wholesome, family friendly atmosphere that Kmarts just can't offer to their customer base these days. I do think our numbers a bit higher due to this being our opening week, but I'm confident in our ability to outperform Kmart in the coming fiscal quarter."
WALTER CRONKEIT JR. TRASH WRITER
being recognized," said 15-year veteran Tony DeConstanza. NEW BRUNSWICK--The New "I'd also like to thank all the Brunswick Department of college students who populate Public Work (NBDPW) is finally New Brunswick. Without their giving its employees a platform indifference toward terrible to showcase their craft. living conditions and intolerable The city's garbagemen, work performance, none of this who can be seen twice a week would have been possible." throwing garbage cans from New Brunswick residences house to house with no remorse, are a bit trepidatious about this announced Monday they will be contest funded by the NBDPW, participating in the First Annual worrying it may promote a poor Garbage Can Toss late this work ethic among the rest of the spring. garbagemen. "This is a testament to the "I was walking home today hard work our city employees and saw a garbage can fly threw put in year after year," said the air out of nowhere," said Julia NBDPW Director Steve Zarecki. Greenwald. "That can't be right, "Every week they do their best right? Like you're not supposed and toss garbage cans without to do that. I hope after this YOUR GPA IS FUCKED even looking at what they may contest there won't be garbage OPTIMISTIC STUDENT hit, be it parked cars, houses, or cans fly threw my window." even a passerby." doing this". The contest will reportedly There is no official start When asked about his plan involve several team and date yet for the competition, but Harrison said, "See I'm being individual competitions, the competitors are reportedly really smart about this. I'm including distance toss, team readying for it by leaving a gonna do part time, so only 9 relay, and total garbage left on record amount of ignored credits, that way I can focus on the side of the road. garbage along the streets. my studies! I can still party but "I'm glad we're finally not have as much class". While this logic seems WHAT A PUSSY almost sound, it completely SEAN SPICER CRIES INTO PILLOW ...continued from front reporting numbers about the size of Trump’s inauguration crowd. After refusing to take any questions, Spicer stomped off the podium, reportedly to pace back and forth heavily with his hands balled up in fists of rage. The Medium has reached
Editorial Staff Spring 2016
out to the White House for further comments on these actions, but was only met with a defiant grunting noise, followed by the abrupt click of a Spicer's phone slamming down.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Sifat Mahbub Andrew Blustein Andrew Blustein
Fratypus
We were able to get a statement from a Kmart employee, who asked to remain anonymous, on his thoughts on the matter. "Honestly, those numbers are a bit skewed. If you don't include those two raccoons who snuck into the tools department, our Kmart location only had one real customer, and that was the owner's mother. She's so supportive, but I could tell she was contemplating suicide while in here. Happens to all of us." A local church is already planning on holding Easter Sunday by the pile of used, rusty, AIDS infected needles, while Kmart is considering a merger with competitor Sears, who was outsold in the previous quarter by Johnny's Hot Cocoa Stand, located on Lincoln Road, who recently was involved in a scandal for using water in lieu of milk in their hot chocolate.
...continued from front
neglects the fact that in order to raise a GPA one needs to take at least six classes and earn A's in order to see a spike. Despite all of this Harrison seems unfazed and has already begun planning the graduation party he will throw celebrating his 3.0 GPA.
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NewsEdtors James Mullen III Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Michael Okolo Personals Editor Rob Sanchez Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Marissa Schwartz
Sports Editor Kevin McClintock Copy Editor Sifat Mahbub Andrew Blustein Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Sean Spicer
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. Dedicated to everyone who attended a woman's march this past weekend (this is serious)
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FEATURES
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GOOD TO BE BACK
PROS AND CONS OF LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS BY LATIN MAMA
After moving back home for my final semester of school, there have been many ups and downs of living back en casa con mis padres… Pros You no longer have to use coupons at the supermarket to ensure that you spend under $50.00. The water pressure is strong enough to actually rinse the shampoo out of your hair. Your dad reminds you that your car is due for inspection six months from now. Thanks, Dad! You are not homeless. (**This is all I could think of….) Cons You can´t tell your dad to put pants on because “it’s [his] house, dammnit.” “I was really upset by the lack of diversity in this series, but it did make me hungry” -Black Mike
You can no longer take suspiciously-long showers and masturbate **in peace.**
“I was upset that this is not the reality we live in, McDonalds is the true monopoly in America and everyone knows that” -J. P. Lawrence
Your parents constantly pressure you to procreate because “[they] want grandchildren by the time they retire…in three years.”
“Totally thought it was an adaptation of ‘Harold and Kumar go to White Castle’” -Jake Goldmine
IF YOU’RE FEELING DOWN
DELICIOUSLY SEMI-EDIBLE
TOP TEN BROWER ENTRÉES BY KNIFTY KNITTER
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES FROM YOUR DRUNK UNCLE “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.” –Wayne Shh-shh-shotzky
10. Deep fried french toast sticks with powdered sugar and sometimes a single black hair 9.
Very inauthentic sushi
8. Salmon that always somehow doesn’t look or taste like salmon—it’s grilled maki 7. An array of breakfast cereals mixed in one bowl, with chocolate milk 6. Some nice pasta made-to-order cooked in a pan of soapy dishwater 5.
The new taco condiment bar
4.
Brower’s Thanksgiving turkey
3. Chicken parmesan the night after takeout is chicken parmesan 2.
Pizza is always reliable and sometimes there’s bacon on it
1.
Just honey mustard
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OPINIONS
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Did you protest in any Women’s Marches? “I marched hoping that one of the chicks would fuck me. ” Andrew Milton President of Tau Iota Tau
“Of course. I punched a neo-Nazi. Felt good.”
Hoodied Nazi Hunter Public Hero
“My teenagers loved me talking about my pussy hat!” Aileen Oldwick Kids are embarrassed, but support her.
DECAF, PLEASE.
HOW I GOT ADDICTED TO CAFFEINE.
BY GAYQUAZA My head is pounding! I’m not sure if it’s the wave of the spring semester slowly ebbing into my psyche or the fact that I am going cold turkey on coffee. My first memory of consuming coffee started as a child. My grandmother would slip it into my bottle while she’d lie me down to watch Barney and Friends. Milk served with a splash of addiction. It was the perfect start to my mornings. The sweet light brown nectar would drip from the nipples onto my lips; the warm embrace on my tongue reverberates years after the initial drop. I’d later learn that this was not my first instance of truly consuming coffee. According to my brother, my mother’s constant consumption of coffee sent us down this dark path. Every morning, afternoon and evening when she would breastfeed us, the coffee’s taste would emerge from her nipples. It’s from those early breastfeedings that truly cause me to be the way I am. The maroon breast milk tasted amazing. An Americano lactating out of her beautiful bosoms. For years, I’d search to no avail, for experiences which mirrored that of my childhood splendor. Long nocturnal ventures filled with vices where my answers to this unattainable goal. I had lost myself in the night. The wide-eyed boy watching Barney held no residence in the husk I called my body. The sun would rise as I’d sneak back into reality, ashamed, my mind battered. Where was the boy, who’d suckle at the teat on Sunday mornings? Who has he become? I have become my addiction. Thanks Mom and Grandma! The white hills were no contender to the creamy auburn nectar.
Wednesday, January 25th, 2016
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DEAFINITELY A GOOD POINT.
WHY I WOULD NEVER FUCK LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN. BY ALYSSA CARPENTER
I am a firm believer of equal opportunities for all, treating everyone with love and understanding and giving everyone the chance to experience the finest things in life. One of the greatest joys of life is sexual intercourse, and I believe no matter who you are, you should be allowed to perform consensual actions on whomever you please. But at the same time, there is no fucking way I would ever try to fuck the great composer Ludwig Van Beethoven. I’m not saying disabled people are any less human than fully abled people; it is not that at all, but that doesn’t mean I would let his musical genius penis inside of me. No. Way. Yes I get it, he composed the great Für Elise, but the bastard can’t fucking hear! That’s not a terrible thing, but I for one cannot fuck under those conditions. If I ever met Beethoven I would love to discuss with him the different movements of Piano Sonata No. 14, how he was able to compose such beauty and mystique, but if we were naked rubbing up against each other in a sensual way, with him sucking on my erect nipples hard, pulling my hair so I could kiss his neck, it would just not be an enjoyable experience, all because he had to go and lose his hearing. I wouldn’t be able to scream out in ecstasy: “Yeah shove that tongue in me you nasty German cunt.” I mean I could, but Ludvig Van Beethoven would just stop and ask “What?” Talk about a mood killer. All because his ear drums don’t work properly. You tell me someone who could fuck under those conditions. Nor could I cry out: “Rail my pink asshole with your thumb Ludwig,” because all he would do is keep railing my pink asshole. Sometimes I want some eye contact, but I wouldn’t be getting that from him. I’m not a bad person, I’m fairly reasonable. But Goddamnit if I was shrieking, “Come on pound me harder you great composing fucker, fucking give it to me” and he had to stop and write in his little pussy book: “What did you just say babe?” Well, I think I would just have to get dressed and go grab an herbal tea or something because I would be fucking livid. I have needs and I need the person fucking me to take requests at a moments notice, and Beethoven would fail me every fucking time. It would be like fucking a blind person and them not being able to find my clit and instead they start eating out my belly-button. Holy shit I’d punch the asshole in the fucking jaw. Maybe I am being a little extreme, but then again I don’t think so. I’m trying to cum and I’m not about to wait around for Beethoven to get his shit together. I’m not saying if he were alive I would hate Ludwig Van Beethoven. Oh God, I could never hate him. His beautiful flowing white hair, his sense of style, his amazing collars he would wear which make his chin pop. Damnit he’s hot and also one of the greatest composers of all time. But would I actively seek out a relationship to explore all of my kinky fantasies with him? Fuck no. The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Send your hate mail to not me. We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com And if you see us on Tinder? Super like us or swipe right. Also Tuesday, January 31st from 8 to 10 pm in the Cove in Busch Student Center RUPA Presents Comedy Open Mic Night, hosted by The Medium COME OUT AND TELL JOKES PLEASE. CHECK A7 FOR MORE INFO I love you for reading all this.
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ARTS
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“THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST” BY MIKE HAWK
PERSONALS
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“WHY DO TODAY WHAT WHAT YOU CAN PUT OFF TILL TOMORROW?”
THIS I feel an intense irrational anger towards people who take the elevator one flight up or down. (Like any person? Like even people on crutches? How about wheelchairs? Where does it stop? Next you’re gonna tell me blind people shouldn’t go to the movies. Okay, yeah that one actually makes no sense. I can’t wait for a blind person to read this and complain.) Is Mike Pence dead yet? (Was he ever alive? Seriously the dude literally always looks like a robot trying not to short circuit or some weird Furby who really hates gay people.)
I farted in class and blamed it on the professor. (lmao u wild bro. *insert 9 laughing emojis*) Is there anything stopping people from driving to airports and stealing bags off the luggage claim? (The TSA? So yeah I guess nothing.) So I’ve been wearing these one a day contacts for almost two months now and I do not plan on stopping anytime soon. (Have you heard of the girl who kept her contacts in for too long and the contacts began to stick to her eye and she had to get surgery... lol.)
WE’RE BAAAAAAACK. And we are all fucking Spongebob right now.
RIGHT HERE
Wednesday, January 25th, 2017
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IS MY
Is this a cute elderly couple or Mexicans having a lit When did Milkmen go out time? You decide. business? (This is actually a really good question. You would think people’s obsession for convenience would extend to assorted cheeses and milk.) I think we can all agree the Sonic guys need to go. (Wow, it’s like you read my mind. Do you think they are proud of their work? I feel like when they see their commercials it’s like an amateur pornstar watching her first gang bang. Like yeah you got paid but I was ordering stuff online and when I was checking out I noticed it said 13-35 shipping days #firstworldproblems (Yeah that’s pretty horrible I’m so sorry they did that to you. They left you in a state of disarray that I don’t think any person could come back from. Maybe next time you should get your lazy ass out of bed and talk to a sales clerk who hates her job, just for you to not buy anything. You both go back to your sad lives and order more shit online.) How the fuck can an ‘X’ occasionaly make a ‘Z’ sound like in ‘xerox’ and ‘xanax’ (Where is the order???) Flo from Progressive could literally never act in anything else. (I think it’s hilarious actors brand themselves in commercials. Like you are just setting yourself up for an at best mediocre career. Also can we just talk about the fact that Flo basically got replaced by a talking box.)
SWAG How do toll booth operators get to work? (You guys are literally blowing my mind this week with your questions. I imagine they get dropped off as their ride pays the toll. I don’t know where the first toll booth operator goes, perhaps with the second operator’s ride, like clowns. I guess toll booth operators are like real life clowns.) Maritime law is hilarious. (It really makes absolutely no sense that rules do not apply on the ocean. *hits blunt* Wait, why do we listen to lifeguards if we are in the ocean? Woah.) Isaac Newton died a virgin.
(lol what a flippin loser. He prolly didn’t even frat.)
What was up with the Oregon Trail? (Okay so the Oregon Trail was the dumbest two weeks of social studies I ever had to endure. If your school was anything like mine (somehow I suspect it is) you devoted two whole weeks to live as they did during the Oregon Trail. So basically you had to live through the worst fucking time in human existence. It’s not even the fact that this dumbass role playing game lasted two weeks, but it was ABOUT THE FUCKING OREGON TRAIL?? I don’t even really know what the fuck this shit was and I spent two weeks in some shit cave with my disgusting wife pretending to give a fuck about Oregon. I’m Tomi Lahren and this has been my Final Thoughts.)
SEND US QUESTIONS, CONCERNS, COMPLAINTS (I HATE YOUR ROOMMATE TOO) OR PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING YOU WANT (pls no dick pics) THANK YOUUU
Rob Schneider is... a STAPLER! (Yes, yes he is.) What if people try and study memes in like 30 years? (People are so stupid.) (I actually love memes so I would be totally down for this.)
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WHO WORE IT BETTER?
Nick Offerman 69%
Cactus
28%
Tom Brady 3%
THings To Protest in 2017! • Black Oscar snubs • Elon Musk’s various creations • Monkeys jumping on the bed gaining sentience and overthrowing humanity • Tronald Dump • Meat on Meatless Mondays • Baron Trump staying up past • When you see a cute picture of a dog and 9:00 p.m. you cannot have that dog • The inherent flaws of capitalism • Hoppin on Pop which promote the prosperity • Robin Williams being dead of the bourgeois while • Sometimes my hair sticks up but not in like systematically surpressing the that good way where it looks like I did it on hard working proletariat purpose but where it looks like I glued it • Life • Knock-off bananas • Being alive • Not enough shark attacks • Staying alive • Protests • Ah ah ah ah • Staying alive GET YOUR TARGUM REFUND
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January 25th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com 5 GUYS
RUTGERS ALUMNI ON THEIR TAKEOVER OF SUPERBOWL LI BY: MAXIMUM POWERS HATES CARROTS
PISCATAWAY— The Super Bowl teams have been decided and it appears that it will be the New England Nationalists against the Atlanta Really Really Fast Birdies. While this outcome surprised absolutely no one, what did surprise sports fans was that Rutgers held the symbolic award for most athletes participating in the championship game. Between New England and Atlanta a staggering number of 5 players got their start as Scarlet Knights, twenty percent more than the next three colleges behind them. Despite naysayers claiming that this is the result of pure coincidence and is in no way reflective of Rutgers Football’s quality as a program, the university has wasted no time and made announcements praising
The Big...Something I can't read Roman Numerals The five Rutgers Alumni who are showing that we don't all suck
the football program for it’s great recruiting and training of top class football players. Rutgers Football Coach Pat Hobbs told The Medium, “Of course Rutgers alumni would be all over Super Bowl LI. I remember turning on the TV, seeing these
kids play back when they were freshmen and saying to the guys next to me ‘Why are we watching Rutgers? Notre Dame is playing on ESPN2.’” As the administration provided no answers, many turned to the athletes themselves to inquire how
attending Rutgers translated into a successful football career. While most were unable to comment on how Rutgers helped in their success, Logan Ryan had given the question a lot of thought and told The Medium “[Rutgers] was like playing football in five feet of pudding. It’s not until you have a competent team backing you up that you realize that this football thing is really easy. I remember as soon as I left the Scarlet Knights it felt like I had taken fifty pound weights off my legs.” Hobbs had no comment for Ryan’s hypothesis, but told The Medium,“All we know is that Rutgers clearly has the best recruiting out of any college in the U.S. and have no need to ever change the way we do things.”
IF NO ONE SEES, IT NEVER HAPPENED
RUTGERS BASKETBALL PLAYERS GLAD NO ONE GOES TO THEIR GAMES BY: MAXIMUM POWERS HERE FOR A GOOD TIME
NEW BRUNSWICK— With Rutgers Basketball sitting comfortably at the bottom of the Big Ten, attendance for home games has been at an all time low. Despite offers of free merchandise and paid tuition, students have not made a turnout. Regardless of the school’s dower view of the situation many players on the team have begun breathing a sigh of relief when seeing the rows of empty bleachers. With their record the way it is many on the basketball team feel that it is for the best that no one at the school watches their games. “We saw how badly they all grilled the football team when they were sucking,” said point guard Jamal Jameson “a lot of us feel that if nobody pays attention to our games, we will not be
The Only Livin Boy in New Brunswick Die hard fan sits through another "thrilling" basktball game
yelled at as much when we end up losing.” According to Rutgers Stadium management, attendance by non-students is also at a record low with many season tickets being
refunded or burned for heat during the long winter nights. When asked if his parents still attended his games Jameson told The Medium, “I kinda told them the season ended last month.
My parents are not really into basketball and with football still going on I don’t think they will notice that we are still playing. Lying to them just makes me feel better, and helps keep them off my back about other things.” In a joint effort between players and management, Rutgers Basketball announced that they will be removing all basketball schedules from around campus as well as taking the upcoming games off the website. Both sides feel that this is the most effective way to bury this season from memory and pray for a better one next year. Any season tickets can be taken to a Rutgers box office for a refund, good for three mealswipes at any dining hall.
Caring about the swim team SInce 1970