This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
INSTA: @themediumRU
Janurary 27th 2016
Volume LI Issue I 50¢ AT LEAST SOMETHING’S GETTING PLOWED
BITTER STUDENT SEXILED DURING WINTER STORM JONAS
BY RADIO RAHEEM PROFESSIONAL PEEPING TOM
NEW BRUNSWICK—This Saturday, New Brunswick was blasted with just over two feet of snow, leading to offcampus sophomore engineering student Timothy Snyder being forced outside to support his roommate's need to bang his girlfriend. For many students, Winter Storm Jonas was a great opportunity to kick back and relax, have a good time with some friends, and bond over the incredulity of the weather outside. Unfortunately, Snyder, a resident of Sicard Street, wasn’t so lucky. Snyder’s roommate invited his girlfriend over before the storm, and it was only a matter of time before the symphony of obnoxious copulation forced him out of his house. After he could no longer
withstand the noise coming from upstairs, Snyder decided to brave the cold. While his roommate was about five and a half inches deep, Snyder was approaching twenty-six. The Medium was able to get a brief interview with Snyder while he
was out in the elements. “Why am I outside? Because my roommate is an inconsiderate prick, that’s why! I can’t believe this gu- FUCK!” Mid-sentence, Snyder had slipped and his right boot fell all Continued on Page 2
EXECUTIVE ORDURE
Obama Shits on Kremlin Lawn
BY SOME SCHMUCK NOVICE WABBIT HUNTER
MOSCOW, RUSSIA —In what has been described by young liberals as a generally good diplomatic move, U.S. President Barack Obama was recently caught defecating on the lawn of the Moscow Kremlin, residence of Russian Federation Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Though the State Department is yet to comment on Mr. Obama’s actions, the move has been viewed favorably among his own supporters. “I don’t care what Fox News and the Repub-LIE-cans say, Obama is a good president!” said Meredyth Jackson, treasurer of the Iona College Democrats. “This move is a strong statement against gun violence, and I am very proud of Obama for having the stridence to carry it
QUICKIES
Oscar Committee Not Racist, Claims To Have Multiple Black Friends All New Brunswick Roads & Sidewalks Are Clear! Barchi sees his shadow; Rutgers Open and Operating Sophomore Passes Finance; Buys Stock in RadioShack Transfer Students Bend Over to Get Fucked by Housing
"THAT'S THE SMELL OF FREEDOM" Pres. Obama squats down and pinches a loaf for America as he poots in front of Putin.
out.” continued Jackson. “He’s basically my hero.” Andrew Wheaten, a member of the Tennessee Tech Progressives, further clarified, “we are very grateful for President Obama’s statement in solidarity with Muslims. I’m not
yet sure of the connection, but it should soon become obvious.” Wheaten declined to comment on the symbolic meaning of the Jack Daniels whiskey bottle present in Mr. Obama’s hand at the time. Continued on Page 2
BUTT BUMPING!!! Since 1970
Rutgers Bans Hoverboards, Vaping, BMWs and Dave Matthews DJ Khalid Crime Alerts: Another One
the Medium
NEWS
Wednesday, Janurary 27th 2016
themedium.news@gmail.com
“Please don't pee in my closet...”
WE'RE BEING VICTIMIZED, BRO!
A GAME OF SLUT AND ICE
University Deems "Fuckboi" Girl Shows Up To Frat Party in Mini Skirt and Block of Ice Newest Microagression argumentative speeches on social media and have been whining about microaggressions NEW BRUNSWICK— With for the last few months, Rutgers University moving always prompting others to towards a more safe space have conversations. About environment, focused around a everything. And we mean “language matters” movement everything! And when we say of understanding the words you conversation, we mean an open use and how they could offend dialogue about why everyday others, the term “Fuckboi” verbal and nonverbal cues has been classified as “vulgar, which degrade or send negative repulsive and downright messages to others are only wrong” and thus been banned used by motherfucking closed from being used on all campuses minded asshole bastards, who by the university. therefore do not deserve to live Of course, the Language in this world of understanding, Matters movement was started inclusivity and love. by a few “prissy fucks,” Yet this movement has rather, caring individuals, who left far more students’ feeling have been known to make victimized by constantly having BY DR. TOSSED SALAD AND DR. PUGGLES JUST DICKING AROUND
"LOOK HOW SHE WAS DRESSED, SHE WAS ASKING FOR IT" Lisa Moran reportedly attended the party dressed in a sultry manner underneath one and a half feet of solid ice. Many fellow partygoers said that her midrift and 425 lbs of frozen water surronding her entire body predisposed her to becoming stuck in permafrost.
Continued on Page A7
Did you know that The Medium has a website?! Did you know that The Medium has Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram accounts?! Did you know that The Medium still doesn't know the loving warmth of a mother?! rutgersthemedium.wordpress.com Instagram and Twitter: @themediumru Facebook: facebook.com/rutgersmedium/ SEXILED
OBAMA
...continued from front
“There are no legitimate criticisms of Obama; most of his critics are just racist.” continued Wheaten. When asked about the President’s 47% approval rating, he explained that the number is “according to both his supporters and opponents. If you polled only his supporters, the number would be closer to 100%.” Wheaten further explained, “it’s a lot of rhetoric from Trump supporters, with an
Editorial Staff Spring 2016
eerie, fascist-like faith in their candidate. Conservatives are so stupid, ugh.” “I’m extremely proud of Obama’s latest statement in favor of LGBTQ* rights. He truly is a visionary” commented Amethyst Schwartz of the Black Lives Matter chapter at UC Santa Cruz. “I think Obama wrote some really great laws and I’m disappointed he’s not going for a third term. But I’m voting for Hillary. Hopefully, she too will symbolically shit all over ciswhite-male oppression."
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Adam Romatowski Fratypus
...continued from front
the way through the snow. His jeans had lifted up, exposing his ankle to the freezing snow. “EVERY FUCKING TIME! I’M GOING TO KILL THIS FUCKING KID! DON’T HELP ME, FUCK OFF!” Snyder’s eye shed a single tear, and he continued trudging to the end of the driveway. He rudely declined to answer any more of our questions. After very nearly getting hit by no less than four plow trucks navigating the
streets, Snyder began to break down. He collapsed into the snow. Without the will to carry on, the snow blanketed his body, which was eventually plowed into the side of a Nissan Ultima. Snyder’s story is one that is all too common during large snowstorms. It serves as a reminder to all of us that sexiling your roommate during a snowstorm is not okay. We at The Medium would like to remind you to be considerate this winter. If you have a roommate, don’t plow your girlfriend until Rutgers plows the roads.
ALERT! Sexy single editors in your area. Come join us at The Medium Pitch Meetings every Wednesday at 8pm in the Media Center at the College Ave Student Center. We'll fulfill all of your sensual and frankly weird sexual fantasies. But I won't wear that. $50? Well, okay.
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor James Mullen III Features Editor Aly Grindall
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Andrew Blustein Connor McCarthy Jake Goldstein Landon Naphtali William Field Snow Plowers
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Winter Storm Jonas. I got laid because of you. Thanks, bro.
Wednesday, January 27th 2016
themedium.features@gmail.com
the Medium
FEATURES
“WHAT IS BERNIE SANDERS ON THE BINARY SCALE”
ITS GOING DOWN IM YELLING TIMBER
Drop it Like It’s Hot? BY GRIND ALL The time of add drop period is upon us and I’m guessing at least one of you needs some help on deciding whether you want to drop a class or not. So heres a little guide that can hopefully help you decide. 1. Is there someone hot in the class? Seriously, this can be anyone. The professor, the TA, another student, just someone who makes your downstairs tingle enough to feel like you should go to class. I mean you could get a fuck buddy out of this class OR fuck the professor and become a legend. 2. Is there a textbook? I don’t care who’s in this class; if there is a textbook, it is not worth it. Reading? Having to buy something? No way, dude. Get the fuck out of there. 3. How close is it to a good food place? I mean is it near a pizza place or a fast food place in any way? If not, then I don’t think you should keep the class. Honestly, you should be making your class choices around food. 4. On a scale of barely have to be alive and blink and you fail, where does the class fail? Lets be real; you are going to have at least a dozen nights where you go too hard and are dead in class all day. Make sure you keep the classes where you can roll in with sweatpants, flip flops, hoodie, and a pair of sunglasses, and still feel like a valued member of society.
X-FILES ARE BACK
THE SCIENCE CORNER BY GRIND ALL
This may seem like a finished argument, but as a species we must continually question the knowledge we already know. Luckily, we have some of our smartest minds out there doing that for us, B.o.B and Tila Tequila. Both have taken serious time off their crazy careers to dedicate the time necessary to such an important concept. Heres their findings: now you decide for yourself!
NEW YEAR SAME SHIT
HOW GOOD WAS YOUR SNOW DAY BY GRIND ALL Check off every thing you did and add up your points! Made a snowman: 4 pts (yay childhood!) Fucked that snowman: 1 pts (fucking gross ruining childhood) Fucked someone: 5 pts Got so drunk you forgot there was a snow day: 7 pts Got so high you thought the snow was attacking you: 10 pts Called for delivery then pretended you weren’t home when they got there: 8 pts (lol) Streaked down the empty streets: 6 pts Wrote your name in the snow with your pee: 9 pts (yes) Tried out that weird masturbating thing that involves snow… you know what I’m talking about: 0 pts TALLY THE FUCK UP 0-10 did you even have a snow day? 11-20 so you did what you normally do every Saturday but there was snow around you 21-30 awh dang getting out of yo comfort zone I see you girl do yah thang 31-40 okay this is getting a little out of hand now and I’m getting a little scared 41-50 omg I didn’t know frat boys read the medium!!!!
B.o.B fires back with an excellent point. Honestly how high do you have to be to see this “curve”? B.o.B has got to be super high all the time and he can’t even see it so who can!!!???
Nice points Tila, I mean how do building stand up straight? Where is our tilt? Out those lying NASA bitches
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, January 27th 2016
“The only thing I fear after seeing The Exorcist is Catholics.”
#FEELTHEMART
Go To MartinOMalley.com BY MARTIN O’MALLEY
Katie, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Please come back to me. I’ve given up on my presidential campaign because I now understand how you feel. Have you been watching my debates, Katie? Please, if you haven’t been watching my debates, I need to you to log on to my website, sweetheart. I poured out my heart on that site. I even published our love letters from high school. I just want you to go to MartinOMalley.com so you can know how much I love you. Do you remember Thursday afternoons under the Maryland skies? Frosty Saturday mornings cheering on the Terrapins? Cozy Friday nights by the fireside? I remember them, Katie, and I know you do too. Think of all the happy times we had together. Sometimes I cry to myself, going through our photo albums on my website, MartinOMalley.com. Please baby, just go online, and navigate to “Katie, Please Come Back” on the side bar. You don’t even need to make a campaign donation (although it would be much appreciated if you did; in fact, please pass this on to your friends if you can). I just want you to know how sorry I am. As the governor of Maryland since 2006, I successfully balanced an executive budget for the past decade, and I also intend to balance our marriage, Katie. Though I have a full set of qualifications, which can be found on my campagin site, MartinOMalley.com, it takes two candidates to run a marriage. When I’m elected President, Hillary may want to be my Vice President, but you will always be the VP of my heart. I know I left you to chase Washington, but you didn’t need to leave me for that.
TAKE THAT, AL GORE
Look At All This Fucking Snow BY DARL CLETUS WOOD
All of these liberal pussies say that our planet is heating up, that there is “data” and “measurements” that say that our planet is actually heating up. Well look outside at all of the fucking snow Brother Nature just money-shot onto the East Coast. The meteorologists at Fox News say we have gotten record snowfall these past few years and those guys have been spot on with their weather reports for every one of my hunting trips in the past twenty years. The liberal media continues to rant this dooms day bullshit just we can buy more kale and those prissy hybrid cars all so we can help “save the environment”. Half of those Tonka toy cars are now buried under four feet of snow. I even had to spend the better part of my Sunday digging my F150, Betsey, out and she was able to clear my cousin Cooper’s hill he made while burying his above ground pool. Our founding Fathers built our great nation in weather like this. I saw the Revenant enough times to know that America has always been a frozen wasteland during the winter. So don’t expect me to sign your Save the Bees petition or use those faggy curved light bulbs, just because you all drank that climate change Kool-Aid do not expect me to follow in your drum circle. I can’t wait for the time when president Trump pulls the wool of the eyes of the American people and I can finally by that hummer I wanted back in 2005. So when you go into your socialist science class do not believe a single word your professors say about this climate change, those polar bears look perfectly happy during those Coke commercials.
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
DIVINE COMMENTARY
ALL LIVES MATTER BY GOD
Before we delve into specifics, I love all of my children and everyone is created equal. Even the thief and the murderer can regain my favor by accepting my salvation on their deathbed. According to my gospel, the Good Book, the true words of God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit, all lives matter. That being said, you’re all a bunch of fucking racists. I created everyone to be the same. You’re all red on the inside. Guess what? When you say that only white people can be racists because of privilege, you’re being a bigot yourself! That’s like saying only Muslims can be terrorists. What about Timothy McVeigh? He was white, and guess what, he’s in hell damn it. What kind of privilege is that? Muslims are fine people, fine people who are simply going through a cultural identity crisis. It’s violent, but it’s not your business to jump down their throats. In a long term sense, Islam is just being a teenager. And by the way, most of y’all don’t give a shit about the Jews. Give it a rest with them already, they’ve been putting up with with everyone’s harassment for, like, 3000 years. And to their credit, they’re taking it like champs. When they left Egypt, did they carve #HebrewLivesMatter into every stone and tree? No. They rebuilt on their own. Black lives matter, but they matter just as much as every other life.
WE’RE BACK BITCHES That’s riiiiiight! The Medium meets in room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center, Wednesday nights at 8PM. Food! Booze! Cocaine! Freshman Girls!
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Would You Fuck Amy Schumer? “Yes.” Men
“Yes.” Women
“Hell, I’d fuck Rosie O’Donnell.” Chuck Schumer U.S. Senator (D-NY)
Wednesday, January 27th, 2016
themedium.arts@gmail.com
ARTS
“Flog me with a dildo.”
“SNOW LIVES MATTER” BY QUINCY TARENTINO
“ALIEN FUN TIME” BY E.T.
JOIN THE MEDIUM! FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER DICK OF THE WEEK: HOT DOG!
“PRESIDENTIAL POLL” BY CAILLOU
“SNOW COCK” BY DANKUM
the Medium
PERSONALS
the Medium Rutgers Sucks
Heartless cunt mother humper. (Grandma, is that you? I thought you were dead?!) Thank you Rutgers for providing me with gains as I now have to clear an entire parking spot every time I wish to park. (Hey, Rutgers always has your best interests at heart. Anything to get gains right?)
Can Rutgers decide on one fucking online platform already? I have to deal with Sakai, ECollege, and Blackboard, all hosted on the Rutgers domain. (Rutgers is not going to accommodate you. Your professors are not going to accommodate you either. HA SUCKS DOESN’T IT?)
My roommate thinks golbal warming is real. (It fucking is real?? Are you fucking ok?!) (Fuck the Arts editor. If I wanted to see dicks everywhere, I’d go to a meeting for the Targum.)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“If the winds are too strong I get blown away.”
Welcome Back
I had to ski to class today. Ski. (So I guess you’re too pretentious to snowboard to class?)
Wednesday, January 27th, 2016
Inquiries
YO
(I think the correct answer has to do with gravity or some shit. But I’m just gonna say magic!)
WELCOME BACK EVERYONE. I look forward to another semester of taking my passive aggressive thoughts and putting them on this page. Make sure you do the same.
If the Earth was a sphere, then how come everyone doesn’t just fall off?
I found my professor on Tinder. I hate this fucking app.
(So...did you swipe right? Your gpa is more important Fuck every class that uses than your dignity.) Blackboard. (Hook up with the person I’m a virgin. How does Tinder work? above dude.) I hope my roommate en- (Swipe left for meh sex, joyed being stuck in the swipe right to save your blizzard while I stayed soul.) in...aaaaaallll weekend ;) Some girl I know keeps (Well he’s probably dead complimenting my hair now but I’m sure he en- and telling me I look joyed his short life while it good. lasted. Or maybe he didn’t. Fuck, I don’t even know or care about him.)
Thing I Hate This Week: Blizzard Jonas It was overrated and sucked. It tasted like shit and ruined my whole weekend. Thanks a lot, Dairy Queen.
We’re still here! And yes we’re still funny, I promise. Come to our meetings on Wednesday’s, 9pm at the RSC. Join Us. Or Else.
(I know what you’re wondering, and the answer is no. She is not trying to fuck you.)
Game of NO
Here’s to another (awful) great semester!
I Just...
Workout Buddies
If I hear one more fucking person say “Winter Is Coming” I will lose my mind. WINTER IS ALREADY HERE AND GAME OF THRONES IS OVERRATED.
My friend asked me if I wanna workout with her but she meant doing kegels together.
Game of Thrones starts airing on April 24th. That (I’m currently hate watchmeans only 88 days be- ing Game of Thrones and you are my new best friend.) fore I get to find new content for the most I found a wet spot on my story-rich pornography bed and idk how it got ever created. Sometimes there. I don’t even whack it, (I guess you were roofied.) that’s how good it is. (I’m glad you enjoy your I think I am going to start dressing as different verglorified pornograpghy.) sions of David Bowie, Khal Drogo is still my would you approve? number one crush. (Why would you insult Da(You’re far behind in a vid Bowie like this. Don’t line of people waiting to be you think he’d suffered mounted by Jason Momoa.) enough? Stay in your fucking lane.) The Oscars have been going on for 88 years. His- I tried to change my matorically, there have been jor to mohel, but the Jewmany all-white award ish studies department ceremonies. Like from doesn’t offer it. the first one into the mid (Just practice on yourself 60’s. Get over it, there and you’ll be good to go.) will be years like that. (Your argument would be better if you didn’t use examples of years when racial segregation was still prevalent and you know, LEGAL. The point is that it’s 2016, not 1955.) (I think I’ve been watching and ready too many Spike Lee interviews lately.)
Tax the gays.
(Because we haven’t taken enough from them? Smdh.)
Dating Secrets
If black coffee stimulates bowel movements. Then romantic coffee dates will be two people squeezing their anuses so tightly to keep your shit from exploding, at the same time keeping a straight face to hold a nice conversation. Or maybe it’s just me, cause I love my triple shot of black coffee. (Well there ya go.)
(Kegels are important, so take her up on the offer asap.) To the gymbro trying to tell me how I should do my workout, screw you! You don’t know what I am trying to do, and I know that because I don’t even know what I am trying to do! (Neither one of you belong at the gym.)
Cries for Help My roommates and I showed each other our boobs and yes boys your sleepover fantasies are accurate. (Gentlemen, I can confirm that this is in fact true.) My boyfriend just texted me that he needs to be in constant contact with me and is codependent now...how the tables have turned.
(Oh look, yet another unhealthy relationship I have to hear about. Hooray.) Senioritis has come into my life like a friend I know is bad for me but I enjoy too much to get rid of. Basically, I am just doing LSD and coke every weekend and the rest of the week I get drunk.
(Is this a cry for help? I’m not trained for this.)
Wednesday January 27h 2016
themedium.a7@gmail.com
PAGE A7
“We haven’t looked at our lemon tree in about fifteen seconds!”
the Medium
MICROAGGRESIVE
BOLLARD OF THE WEEK
WHY ARE THEY LIKE THAT?
...continued from News
to watch what they say while in the presence of others on campus. Perhaps the most victimized group on campus in these times is that of the Fuckboi. Mark Johnson, a described Fuckboi of Delta Iota Kappa explained to The Medium, “I’m not trying to be a faggot and have feelings but, I am very triggered and offended by the term Fuckboi. Sure I wear a snapback with a cigarette in my ear, yeah I have a sweet pair of Tims and I don’t like cuddling after sex, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a little bitch on the inside.” Johnson continued by adding that he now understands what members of marginalized groups such as LGBTQ feel like. “I completely understand where they are coming from now. Like bro, it takes a lot of self-esteem to ask chicks to come over for a hot night of dicking and not text them the next day. To be attacked for my lifestyle choices is just very hurtful. I was born this way.” With this mindset now common on campus with confidently insecure men of all races, religions and subsects being labeled Fuckbois, the university had no choice but to add the term to the list of now harsh language which is frowned upon by people affiliated with the university. The Medium reached out to members of Rutgers’ administration such as Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Felicia McGinty, who commented, “We planned on the policy being far more encompassing...We actually tried to have Chancellor Edwards removed from the university, as he himself is a Fuckboi, however President Barchi and the board stopped us as they said we were targeting white hetrosexual men too severely.” This beautiful set of bollards is located in the Voorhees Mall, right next to the entrance to the Art Library. Aesthetically, these are some of the best bollards on campus. They’re also in a great location, complimentling Voorhees Mall’s architecture exquisitely. A keen eye will notice the year 1766 engraved on the left bollard to commemorate when the university was founded, and 1967 engraved on the right bollard for something, probably. Unfortunately, these bollards don’t do very much to divert traffic, which is pretty much the main thing that bollards are built for. Overall, a very beautiful, but somewhat impractical set of bollards. DEFINITIVE BOLLARD RATINGS: Aesthetic: 5/5 Location: 5/5 Traffic Diversion: 2/5 Sex Appeal: 3/5 (they’re a bit pointy)
WOW, MORE RUNOFF GOD DAMN IT BRADY
...continued from Sports
Lucifer would not comment on his supposed mishap. “I have nothing to say concerning my daily routine”, said the Devil. “As for Tom [Brady], he and I have a wonderful relationship, and I’m sorry to see him lose”. Brady’s postgame comments offered more insight on the Devil’s alleged actions. “I felt weird out there. It’s like I actually had to try.”, said Brady. “There’s usually this presence I feel deep, deep inside me, and it wasn’t there today”.
After Brady’s press conference, rumors circulated about his and the Devil’s exact relationship. Some reports peg the two as gay lovers, but nothing as been confirmed.
SHOCKING: THIS RAPPER IS A FUCKING IDIOT
SEND NUDES
GIVE US YOUR MONEY
JANUARY 27th 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com TOM BRADY IS NOT SATAN'S SPAWN, BUT HE DOES DO HIS BIDDING
REPORT: DEVIL FALLS ASLEEP DURING PATRIOTS-BRONCOS GAME BY STEPHEN A. SMIFF BLACK PERSON
HELL—After the Denver Broncos defeated the New England Patriots last Sunday, reports say the Devil’s untimely nap was the reason for New England’s loss. According to multiple sources, the Devil—also known as Lucifer or Beelzebub— usually takes a post-dinner nap, but after a long day of raping souls eternally trapped in hell, he lost track of time. It is widely known Tom Brady sold his soul to the Devil in 2007 after the “spygate” controversy. Following the deal, the Patriots nearly went undefeated for an entire season, only to lose the Super Bowl thanks to a miraculous catch by God’s messenger David Tyree. Since, Brady has benefited
NIGHTY NIGHT The Devil reportedly shops at Bob's Discount Furniture. The department store would not comment on the validity of the report.
from having no soul by marrying international supermodel Gisele Bundchen and winning another Super Bowl in 2014. Unfortunately for Brady, Lucifer reportedly had a rough
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: RUTGERS vs. COMPETENCY
-Learn the fundamentals of basketball, the sport that is paying for your education
-Continue being too difficult to grasp, though it is a basic tenant of human life, not just basketball
-Recruit better players who can throw the ball through the basket, especially players over 6'8"
-Let the allure of fame continue to be more important than winning basketball games, even though there's no way these players will make the league
-Maybe don't be in the B1G since there are a lot of good teams that easily beat incompetent teams - Find a new coach whose claim to fame isn't coaching players who pulled guns on each other in an NBA locker room (one of those players is now in jail)
-Be slightly confusing to spell, especially for students who don't go to class -Take solace in the fact the team won't be good for years
day in hell. According to reports, the Devil had early morning rapings from 7 a.m. to 10 a.m. He then ate a child’s heart for breakfast and spent the next two hours
training his minions how to rape and torture. What did Beelzebub in, apparently, was the weekly Sunday meeting from noon to 3 p.m., which he completely forgot about. Reportedly, the Devil had HR issues to handle, logistical dilemmas concerning the efficiency of his soul-delivery system and infrastructural problems. The Devil hates these weekly meetings. Apparently, the Devil had a splitting headache and lost track of time, so he took his daily nap forgetting he had to possess Brady’s body and give him the supernatural powers and abilities required to win a road playoff game. Continued on A7
Slaughter in the Court: Martins vs. Lensky BY THE BUS KID PROFESSIONAL HUMAN BEING
NEW BRUNSWICK—The Rutgers Student Center food court was the scene of a staggering annihilation by RU Chess Club's Johan Lensky Monday night, destroying newcomer Ryan Martins. As Martins took a seat across the “Emperor of Rutgers Chess,” he quietly and quickly placed the pieces down and waited for Lensky to do the same. Lensky, a master of the chess board and psychological warfare, waited until Martins finished and then rotated the board around. “I am always black. Hurry up and place your pieces”, said Lensky. Once the final white pieces was placed and Martins made his first move of a pawn from A2 to A4, Lensky let out an unsettling snicker. “You lost,” Lensky said.
giving rough handjobs SINCE 1869
Leaning back in his seat, Lensky began to chant some ancient hymns from the Icelandic School of Skák. His eyes gleamed as his mind quickly analyzed every possible play. As the light dimmed, Lensky’s hands quickly approached the board. He began to scatter his pieces across the board while Martins flinched in awe of what was in front of him. Within a matter of four seconds, Martins’ pieces had been defeated, leaving only the king. Martin's eyes teared as he realized he was nothing compared to Lensky. A murmured “next” escaped Lensky's lips as the final white piece crumbled away into fine dust, and thus ending this newcomer ’s hopes and dreams of achieving anything in the world of chess.