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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue XV
February 1st, 2012
50¢
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BUSCH CAMPUS TO MERGE WITH TAMPA BAY Schiano in line to be University President
BUSCH—In an effort to boost both the academic and athletic profile of the University, Governor Chris Christie has introduced a plan to merge Rutgers football and Busch Campus with The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. "The intention is to create a private athletic research institution and to maintain Greg Schiano as a part of Rutgers," commented Governor Christie. Schiano, former Rutgers University head football coach, signed a five-year deal with Tampa Bay last week for a higher salary than he earned with the Scarlet Knights. "Greg thinks he can just walk out on us, huh? Well, I'm here to say hell to the no!" said Christie. "We're going to double his salary with the newly formed Buschaneers and make him the president." The institution is planned to cost Rutgers $11.6 billion since
chase the team. With the proposed 10% tax cut making waves in New Jersey legislature, Christie said that the timing couldn't be better. "Everyone is paying less taxes, we got Schiano back, and our new pro football college is gonna make all those Big East dropouts wish they were back!" said Governor Christie. Several New Jersey residents have expressed their concerns about the governor's radical plans, calling him "an economic detriment to our society," and "fat." "I mean, with less money LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!!! going to the state, we're not goTh ing to be able to afford this," said Monmouth resident Gary Urbinski. In addition to fiscal conTHE SCARLET 'NEERS Rutgers Stadium is modified to display the football program's new logo cerns, residents are outraged that there will now be three prothe merger required the State ernor Christie has repackaged fessional football teams playing of New Jersey to purchase the the state's entire budget. In ad- in their state under a foreign Tampa Bay franchise from busi- dition, the state will be using all name. funds allocated to Rutgers along nessman Malcolm Glazer. "New Jersey Giants?" said To make the purchase, Gov- with 12 unknown loans to pur- Secaucus resident Al Rezzonico.
CIVIL COMPETITION
NEWS IN PICTURES
BY THE KILLA WHALE MANAGING EDITOR
Republicans Vow to Win Next Year’s National Clapping Championships BY RANDOM ANONYMOUS STAFF WRITER
WASHINGTON—As President Barack Obama left The Capitol Building two Tuesdays ago, Republicans across the United States vowed to win next year’s State of the Union event. Republican Candidate Mitt Romney said, “The Democrats put up a tough fight this year.” Romney believes that the campaigning against one another within the Republican party has led to less clapping and support for each other, leaving them in poor shape for the State of the Union address. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, “My hands are as red as Bill’s face when I ask him where he’s been all night. It was worth the win.”
Study linking Facebook to excessive procrasBeyonce and Jay-Z gave birth to a holy baby girl ear- tination not yet lier last week at a local NY hospital. Accompanying the complete
Beyonce Gives Birth To Messiah
couple were three wise men bearing gold albums, VMA awards, and Myrrh. There was also an offering of Rihanna goats for Blue Ivy, the savior of all mankind.
Protestor mistakes overregistered Psych 101 for large mob Ron Paula Dean runs for Butter President Heidi Klum breaks up with Seal, seen dating Walrus
GET YOUR SHINEBOX ESTABLISHED 1970
the Medium
NEWS
"Just when I thought I was out...they pull me back in."
Wednesday, February 1st, 2012
WEIGHTY MATTERS
Hostess Bailed Out by Tons of Love from Fans
pounds later, they’ve done nothing but good for me.” Murphy and his wife were both furious at the announcement. The two immediately started a blog called “Twinkie Bailout”, and shared the link through multiple social netBY DR. K BACK PAGE EDITOR working sites. “First, I shared it with some 'MERICA—In an unprecedented display of public support for of the ladies at my gym,” said a corporation, Hostess Brands, Helen Murphy, Martin’s loving manufacturer of Hostess wife of 35 years. “After half an Twinkies, has been bailed out by hour on the treadmill, we all love to reward ourselves with a some of its biggest fans. Earlier this month, it was Twinkie. Together, we’ve lost 5 announced publicly that the pounds since 2007.” Within three hours of Helcompany was planning to file en’s initial post, the PayPal acfor Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. “I’ve been hooked on count setup to collect donaTwinkies since I started my tions on the blog had reached first job in New York in 1973,” over $29,000, bringing the blog said long time consumer Mar- into the spotlight of local news tin Murphy. “39 years and 210 outlets. After an appearance on
Live with Kelly!, the Murphys returned home to find that the account had surpassed $12 million. “I nearly had my fourth heart attack,” said Mr. Murphy. The Murphys have since given Hostess the $10 million
SWIPE 'DAT
MAMA BROWER TO BECOME HIGHEST PAID RUTGERS EMPLOYEE UPON DEPARTURE OF McCORMICK AND SCHIANO BY DANNY CHOG JR. HEAD WRITER
BROWER COMMONS—As Greg Schiano leaves Rutgers, the title of highest paid employee will be passed onto another famous face, Thelma Williams. Williams, a courtesy desk worker at Brower Commons, better known by her endearing nickname ‘Mama Brower,’ has become the highest paid employee at Rutgers University and the State of New Jersey, narrowly beating out Women’s Basketball coach C. Vivian Stringer. Students love Mama Brower for her cheerful demeanor and pleasant greetings as she swipes student IDs for admission into the dining hall. “Well, I got offers to swipe meals at schools all over the country,” said Williams. “I got a great deal from Harvard. Princeton offered me a spot in their dining hall. But Rutgers really wanted me to stick around, and I couldn’t say no to their offer.” While her stated salary on public record has her marked at around $600,000 a year, she continuously received bonuses from the university that net her over $1,000,000. “I get bonuses each time I
Editorial Staff Spring 2012
swipe one hundred meal cards,” said Williams. “I always get myself schedules to work the MidKnight Breakfasts. Its how I pay for my Christmas presents!” However, Williams isn’t completely satisfied with her current income. She has stated that she will be supplementing
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Joey Threlfall Jordan Gochman
her income through sponsorships. “I am currently in talks to be the spokeswoman for a company that makes carpal tunnel gloves,” she said candidly. “Because swiping all those IDs take a real toll on your hands after a while.”
News Editors Katie Davis John Eberhardt Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Chris Peatman Arts Editor Vacant Personals Editors Steve Troulis III Dave Imbriaco
needed to stop the company from going under. After inquiring online, the majority of donors agreed that they could use the remaining two million for their next month’s food bill as a sign of their appreciation.
THE MEDIUM SEARCHING FOR... INTELLIGENT, CHARMING, SOCIAL, HARD-WORKING, AND PHYSICALLY FIT STUDENTS TO GET US COFFEE AND DO SIMPLE TASKS SUCH AS BEING HILARIOUS, WRITING WORDS, AND BEING HARD WORKING BCC 120A, WED, 8 PM
Backpage Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche Holy Fucking Shit!
Kenenth Brooks Whane Shelan Krupa Patel Vacant Barbara Reed Dr. Jan Itor It's A Dinosaur
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Stan, the LX bus driver/preacher Because your continuous upbeat attitude and words of wisdom is what keeps me going
FEATURES
Wednesday, February 1st, 2012
the Medium
“Mundo goes where he pleases”
FLESH AND BLOOD
Student of the week Stefany Farino
Major: Psychology, Environmental Policy Minor: Public Policy Age: 20 Occupation: NJPIRG (working for the environment! Captain in the EPC[ Energy Protection Corps]), Member of PETA, Full time vegan, Hunter of Hunters Stefany Farino is an advent supporter of the environment. She spends all of her time saving the environment in whatever way she can! She’s tied herself to trees, thrown bricks through police windshields and sucked cock for changes in environmental policy (given she does not handle meat very well)! In Stef’s free time, she likes to plant trees and write let-
ters to local officials pleading for change. Her favorite food is kale because of how environmentally friendly it is and because it allows her to poop very gracefully (a great benefit of being vegan; enhanced digestion!). Her favorite movies include An Inconvenient Truth with Al Gore, Bag It, and Food Inc. Stefany spends an average of 96 hours a week trying to better the environment and claims to live a completely normal life.
RETROSPECT Shit Inner-City Parents Say (and Do) That Ultimately Screws Their Kids Up
By Dr. K. You may not know this, but I am black and from the inner city. Part of the reason you don’t know is because the avatar program I used went from very light tan to midnight black for skin color. That’s beside the point. The point is, I’ve seen a lot of parents from the inner city say and do things that, upon reflection, probably created a few problems for later in life. Here are some of my favorites:
he spends all his money on new clothes, and spent more time at the mall than studying.” (About the 26-year-old fly bum living with his mama)
1. “Stop being a tattle-tale”: Valid advice for kids who talk too much, but harmful to those who can’t tell the difference between talking too much and saying what needs to be said. 100 murders in Newark and nobody saw shit?
4. “Don’t you lie to me!” / “If ______ is on the phone, tell them I’m not here”: In the days before caller ID and the answering machine were common, kids were the call screeners. So young and innocent; who could get mad at the kiddos? Answer the phone, state your pre-programmed lie, and then get yelled at hours later for lying to daddy. Confusion.
2. “My baby is fly as hell” (About 2-year-old wearing Jordans and an authentic throwback jersey): “My baby is fly as hell, but still living at home with mama because
CUTE THING OF THE WEEK
3. “Stop acting like a little fag/dyke”: Because being gay when you grow up is the worst possible thing in the world: even worse than becoming a crack head, unemployed, or in jail.
CHARTS
HOROSCOPES Aries-You will be drafted into Scorpio-You will be raped by a freestyle rap throwdown. Get them ebonics flowing.
a wild hipposloth in the basement of the Hill Center.
Taurus-The planets fail yet Ophiuchus-Fuck you this again to give a shit about you. Proceed with caution.
isn’t a real constellation. LIBRA 4 LYFE
Gemini-situations are inappli- Sagittarius-Moar like VAcable, masturbate. As usual.
Gittarius, amirite?
Cancer-You will get cancer Capricorn-What’s the point LOL
of writing twelve separate horoscopes, if everyone’s gonna read Leo-Courage wolf is on your all twelve?? I mean seriously, side today. Don’t take any shit I might as well write one big from anyone. Unless they’re a paragraph for everyone. Libra. Aquarius-A wild frat party Virgo-Have faith and the will lead to a threesome with watchful hand of God will guide McCormick, Schiano, and an auyou through all the twists and dience of penguins. turns of life. Pisces-You will come into a Libra-Your excess awesome- large sum of money. In more ness will manifest itself into ways than one. twenty-dollar bills.
LOVE LETTER Dear Mike Rice, What’s up sugar daddy? I’ve been staying up late thinking about how creepy your elfish ears are but also how much of a turn on they can be ;) You know how I love a man surrounded by tall, young, sweaty black men. We should get drunk again and invite the team over again for some drills. Ohhh baby how I love when you drill me. Do you remember my favorite? How can you forget? Ha! I never thought I could handle two balls being thrust in my face at once until you came along sugar daddy. Rawrrrrrrrrr. Let’s go to Applebee’s after the next game. Then we can head back to my place after…it’ll be a slam dunk ;) Love, Kitty Kat
P.S. I’ll let you call all the plays xoxo <3333 ;)
the Medium
OP/ED
“ezay, I doan nah ware daza bossar ardabag, ahyeaaaah yeah-ee-yaa yeah” -Pearl Jam
THINGS THE SURVIVAL OF OUR SPECIES DEPEND ON
Greetings, From The Year 2057
By Robodamus 7000
every politician in the United States except for Dennis Rehberg (RMy god, it worked! MT); he’s good people The time displacement and I like the cut of his tunnel machine worked! gib. If left alive, every Now to find the man re- single politician (except spon…holy mother of Dennis Rehberg, bless god, it’s you! his heart), will vote for Hello, past citizen. I a modified version of am communicating this SOPA which contains message to you from this provision: “The the year 2057, where United States Constituthe Earth’s oceans have tion is hereby sold to evaporated and the only the MPAA for the nomitechnology remaining is an ironically preserved “Remember, collection of Hey You, Pikachu! microphone atthere is no fate tachments, which are being used to power this but what...uh... machine. Because the but what... Hey You, Pikachu! microphones were not meant FUCK” to handle this kind of power load, time is of the nal sum of $1”. In 2013, essence! the MPAA will simulWe have traced back taneously eliminate the every problem in the judicial branch of govworld to this specific ernment and sue every year and you’re the only single American for ilperson with any abil- legally downloading a ity to change the cata- copy of Marley and Me strophic events of my 2: The Man With the time. Remember, there is Golden Retriever, that no fate but what…uh… year’s number one film. but what…FUCK, what It stars Taylor Swift and is that line from Termina- Daniel Radcliffe, which tor? I wish other movies brings me to point numstill existed. The point is, ber two: only you can fix this situEliminate both Tation. Swizzle and that tiny First task: eliminate freak Radcliffe at all
costs. If Marley and Me 2 is never made, the MPAA can’t sue and humankind won’t be reduced to slavery to pay off our debt (of which the currency is copies of Marley and Me 2 and Hey You, Pikachu! microphone attachments). In summation, spare tender, sweet Dennis Rehberg, and eliminate the satanic Swift and Radcliffe. Oh, also...don’t ask that girl in your lecture who sits in front of you to your scuzzy frat party because you won’t get it in as is, and your “big brother” whose frat name is “Switch & Slide” will swoop in like a hipster finding a sale on Dr. Bronner’s fair-trade soaps. Seriously, my mom has told me of the romantic date she and “Switch & Slide” went to on that night in his roommates bed and let me tell you, the CDC would probably have been highly interested in the diseases being exchanged that night. Now go, brave soul! The future depends on youuuuuuuuuuuu!
WEEKLY ADVICE COLUMN
Ask Someone With Candy In Their Van
Hey Mister, Do you know where my mommy went? We were in the store and then...and then...and then she was gone! Mommmyyyy where are you?? Wahhh! Billy, 6
Why, hello there sport! Don’t worry, mommy’s just in the dressing room with a nice young colored man, getting her pant size measured. She’ll be out in a jiffy; now hush-hush. Say, while you’re waiting, how about I cheer you up with some candy there, little guy?! Yeah? Sweet! Oh darn, I must have left the candy in the back of my van. It’s the one without the windows over there. You know what, it’s such a short walk and the lollipops I have are so good, let’s just hurry and get them before mommy gets back, okie dokie?
themedium.opinions@gmail.com (Because I would love to ignore you)
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
POINT/COUNTER-POINT
Facebook is SO MUCH FUN!
By Kelly Sardino In this day and age, people have grown more impersonal and connecting with everyone has gotten like, so difficult. It depresses me, cuz I really love people! Nothing makes me happier than having interesting convos with all 1,829 of my friends and only Facebook makes this possible. My fav thing to do after work is tell people all about the ridiculous things that happened to me! And if I have a random funny thought or stumble on a cute pic, I share it with my friends so they can enjoy it too, yayy!! People get jelly cuz my statuses are way more popular than them. Facebook can suck for losers cuz it makes it obvious who’s cool and who isn’t. Not my prob, get over it. Oh look, Terrell’s online! I’m gonna hit him up on FB chat and see what he’s up to!!!
Fuck it, I’m defriending this bitch. By Terrell McDonald
Yo seriously, Kelly is fuckin annoying. She use Facebook like it’s a fuckin diery or sum shit. Nobody wanna hear u whine about ya problems man, or ya day at work, or wut u think about Situation on Jersey Sure. Keep dat shit on the down low, goddamn... Dem jokes she post aint funny. And if I gotta look at one mo’ picture of her doin dat “it look like someone suddenly surprised me before I snapped dis picture!” pose, accept wit a different outfit on, I’ma wile da fuck out. I try 2 treat hoes wit respeck but she make it mad hard not to hit a bitch; Ayo, aint Dis trick got friends in real life to tell dis bullshit to? I guess if she did she wouldn’t be on Facebook all fuckin day. Bitch done dominated my news feed 4 da las’ time. ‘N now she tryna fb messege me? Aw helllll naw... PEACE BITCH! *click*
COMMENTARY
First it’s Rowan...
COVERTLY submitted by: Con Jorzine GUYS, LISTEN UP! Don’t let the Christie administration wiggle their magic fingers over you, forever silencing the good people of New Jersey. You are being taken advantage of! We all know Christie’s conservative, but isn’t consolidating higher education a communist approach? Strange, isn’t it? I’ll explain: they’re doing it because it’s just one step closer to the eventual takeover of higher education by the totalitarian regime that is the New Jersey Republican Party. Next step: lower education. That’s right, all those worthless dregs of society known as school teachers are gonna get the shaft AGAIN. It’s only a matter of time before Chris Christie comes into your homes and “consolidates” your children - to save money, I’m sure. What’s he wanna do with your kids? I don’t know, but I’ve heard that guy can eat literally anything...just sayin’.
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Wednesday, Februbeard 1st, 2012
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PERSONALS
the Medium
Wednesday, Febtober 1st 2012
“Religion broke my BBQ”
FAT ASS
DUMB ASS
Dear girls who live above us, I, a self-respecting, education conscious, and sleep deprived college student, am partial to sleeping through the night. Your thunderous treks up and down the stairs prevent my goal to be achieved. I'm astounded that the stairs have not broken under your enormous weight, (all of you really need to work out.) Last week the incessant pounding was so frighteningly loud that I checked to make sure nobody had fallen down the stairs; only to be greeted my a gigantic ass sprinting out the door in a pair of pants I imagined to be screaming because they were clearly stretched beyond their limit. I'm going to grease the stairs if this happens one more time, mark my words. Signed, Beauty Sleep P.S. Your friends look like drug dealers. Hook me up sometime.
"To my ex, please stop calling me at 2 in the morning because you couldn?t get laid at the bar that night and are subsequently horny. I know its really easy to go back to me for sex, but I really think that since you dumped me, you should be a man and have the integrity to stop bothering me for it. Here?s to never walking back to your house at 2 am and getting kicked out in the morning ever again. Yay freedom. And in this optimistic ending, I?m also going to cheer you on and hope you eventually do get laid, so I stop getting called?and woken up at night. :)"
HIPSTER TRAP
(Lets see how many guys read this and feel bad about themselves afterwards)
To the inept asshole comWORDS OF WISDOM FROM SENATOR STOVE plaining about the LX bus driver last week. He has such a positive at- You would think after the first week of the semester titude, and while it is we would have more submissions, but upon inspecstrange how much more tion of the inbox I had come to the conclusion that the excited he is about my only logical explanation that we must have put the grades than I am, I appreciate getting some wrong email address in the last issue. Upon review of encouragement random- the previous paper, I found that we had put the correct (If pants could scream, what ly during the day. Plus, address for submissions. So this brings me to my overwould they actually sound he's a lot better than the all question. WHY AREN’T YOU PEOPLE SUBMITlike? Probably like a mon- crazy short Spanish F bus key on fire or something like driver who makes me TING? We live in a generation of facebook and twitter, that) feel like my life is at risk and constantly feel the need to tell people things they To the Tampa Bay Bucs, when she drives. Maybe could not give less of a shit about. You’ll trash talk onHa! Hot potato, your if you weren't such a sad, line in public areas that anyone can see, but you won’t dismal loser you could problem now do it in an anonymous paper? We here at the medium To the girl who thinks im appreciate his happiness. interested in her, it looks (I just read an article on this enjoy content, and would really appreciate more of it like someone spilled acid wise LX driver online.What in the future. on your face and you reak a great guy. To the person of BO, please stop call- being a loser- stop being an ing me and being a bitch asshole. Nobody wants to when I don’t pick up hear you bitch) See if you can guess To the bitch in brower do- To western Pennsylvawhich song im humming. ing everything but fuck- nia, I enjoy the scenic IMPENDING DOOM REJECTION Hummm hum hum hum- ing her boyfriend on the drive through the beaummmmm hummmm table. Just do that. We all tiful landscape, but why are you so damn long? It humm hum hum hum need a good show. takes forever to get to the hummmm hum humm hummmmmmmmmm- (Brower has always been other side mmmmmmmmmmmm known for its entertain- (I feel like there should be a ment. Remember that time combination of a thats what (Damn you people and your that couple broke up and she said with a chicken pointless submissions, but shattered plates and glasses crossing the road and such. my guess would be Mrs. all over the place in pure Travelers woes I suppose) Robinson by Simon and rage? Me too.) To the personalks editor, Garfunkel ) What ever happened to do you feel like a magic 8 Look up from this news- that chocolate rain guy? ball when you respond to paper, glance to your left, all these questions? (Do not ask questions if you then right, the people on either side of you aren’t do not intend to care about (I feel more like the magic 7 ball thats stuck on the paying attention, nor the answer) “Please submit more percare that you exist. Enjoy MA APLS sonals” answer) your day.
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Wednesday, FEBTOBER 2nd, 2012
PERSONALS
WHINY BITCHES
WHINY BASTARDS
To the girl sitting next to me in chemistry. Will you please put your damn phone on silent!? It’s been vibrating every 5 minutes and it’s fucking annoying! Chemistry sucks as it is, I don’t need your phone making it ten times worse. Thanks. The annoyed girl next to you
Dear Roommate, Will you please be a normal college student? I want a roommate that doesn’t take an hour to get ready to go out, and then change your mind and say you’re not going with me. I want a roommate that doesn’t go to bed at 7pm. What college student goes to bed at 7pm?? and last semester you were keeping me up till 3 in the fucking morning some nights! One of these days I’m going to tell you how i feel about your weirdness. I’m tired of dealing with such an antisocial, annoying, and indecisive roommate. So don’t be surprised when I don’t tell you where I’m living next semester, cause I’m done with you! Sincerely, Your fed up roommate
(Or maybe you’re just overly sensitive. Clean the sand out of your vag then write back next week.)
To the girl in my class’s boyfriend: she is waaaaay to smart, hot and cool for you. (Sounds like JEALOUS!!!!)
someone’s
To the indian sorority chick from my spanish class last year: yes, you saw me scratch my butt in class one day. You can get over it now. (She saw you scratch your butt? OH THE HUMANITY!) I was going to write personals for this week...until I took an arrow in the knee. My penis lies over the ocean, my penis lies over the sea, my penis lies over the ocean, please bring by my penis to meeeeeee
the Medium “I stab at thee with a rusty spoon!” THEMEDIUM.PERSONALS@GMAIL.COM HIT IT, BITCHES. WHAT RON PAUL LOOKS LIKE DURING ANAL SEX
WHAT RON PAUL LOOKS LIKE AFTER ANAL SEX
To the Indian bitch that almost ran me over in the crosswalk on Monday: get off your phone and use your fucking eyes before I gouge them out and skull fuck you.
To the men of Rutgers: do you have some kind of aversion to lifting the fucking seat up before you piss? I know it may come as a surprise to some of you but on occasion I need to take a SHIT RICK massive shit on campus SANTORUM SAYS and when I venture into “Is anyone saying same- a stall to relieve myself sex couples can’t love and I go into a fit of rage each other? I love my chil- when I see that the seat dren. I love my friends, is completely covered in my brother. Heck, I even someone else’s piss. Selove my mother-in-law. riously, your aim isn’t Should we call these rela- that good. The next time tionships marriage, too?” I catch one of you pricks pissing on the seat I will “If the Supreme Court shove your head in the says that you have the toilet bowl and shit in right to consensual [gay] your mouth while you sex within your home, lick my asscrack clean. then you have the right to bigamy, you have the To my bitchass roomright to polygamy, you mate: can you please stop have the right to incest, chewing like a fucking you have the right to cow? I have to wake up to adultery. You have the the sound of you chompright to anything. Does ing down on food every that undermine the morning. Honestly, how fabric of our society? I much can you possibly would argue yes, it does. fit in those rolls you have ... That’s not to pick on going on your stomach? homosexuality. It’s not, And then you go to the you know, man on child, gym..and come back and man on dog, or whatever eat...AGAIN. And for the case may be. It is one gods sake, put on some deodorant. thing.” (Yes, these are actual Rick (That’s some STAAAAANK Santorum quotes. I don’t BITCH!) SUBMIT PERSONALS, need to make this shit up.) YOU FUCKS!! -SY
WHAT ALL YOU DUMBASS RON PAUL JUGALOO FUCKWADS WILL DO TO ME FOR THIS
THE BACK PAGE
Wednesday, February 1st, 2012
“Let’s have sex in the janitor’s closet!”
Mini What’s
Shakin’
Today at 5:00 PM Art After Hours @ Zimmerli Art Museum on College Avenue What the fuck? There’s an art museum? We classy like a high price prostitute. Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @ BCC-120A We will sacrifice one human to the Gods of print media and use the blood as ink for future issues. Or we might not. Now you’re curious aren’t you? Just come and check it out.
I N N U E N D O
L I T E R A L
Crossword: RU Wet Yet? BY DR. K.
Back Page Editor Tonight, also at 8:00 PM Pray The Devil Back to Hell @ Somewhere in the BCC as well ACROSS If you see a sign for this, I as- 1. One of them places like Dorney Park with tubes sure you that is not our meeting. and stuff. I don’t know what that is sup4. Proper stimulation of posed to be.
these may make things get wetter faster. 7. Make sure you have your rubbers. I don’t mean THOSE types of rubbers.
8. Wet, White, and Watch where it goes... 11. It doesn’t take much talent to make your eyes wet.
12. People get really wet when they finally have one of these. 13. Similar to 12-across, but the technical term for dispensing the wetness. 18. Finger it, lick it, or you an stick it. DOWN 1. Dihydrogen Monoxide 2. Man’s real best friend. 3. Some of these wet references are ____. 5. You should get wet here everyday. 6. The rest of these wet references are ____. 10. Triple threat word: Slang for the wet object, the action of production the wet object, and when plural, the body part that produces the wet object. 14. It’s sweet and edible and it comes out after a lot of squeezing. 15. Water just chills in it. 16. You may need this to take a bath. 17. Get your mind out of the gutter, now. “WET __ __ __ __ __”
Slutty Sleuth
Monday, Feb 6 at 8:30 AM Concrete Pavers Tech. Training. BY SEXY LEAF PILE Register for this class online at Staff Writer [ http://bit.ly/A5c8f2 ]. Cost is Cut out and separate the in$275.00. In this one-day, handson training , you will learn pow- ner decoder from the letter ring. erful secrets and proper paving Decode the messages. Don’t get it? procedures from prominent You must be slow. paving professionals. But wait! There’s more! If you haven’t practiced enough, you are en___________________ couraged to come back for a FREE additional day of handsQ R P B Q R on training to install a new ___________ “paver patio” on the Rutgers campus! Applicants must supG U V F ply their own cement and ce______ ______________ ment mixer. Extra certification points offered for persons atV S L B H E R tending FREE training to paint _______ and furnish the new Livingston Apartments. T N L (Editor’s Note: Thank you Rutgers event planners. It is unreal that we made none of this shit up.)
Sad Libs: Mopjohn Circle Shirt
BY KCIG Staff Writer
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Individually, I find Sierra that the tea made the overall Mist to be too sweet and Brisk mixture taste too watered down. Iced Tea to be disgustingly bit- The bitterness of the Brisk Iced ter. Before tasting this, I thought Tea was still highly present, althat conceptually, it should be though I was happy that the sort of like a carbonated lemon mixture was less sugary. If I were iced tea, which sounds good. In to try this combination again, I theory, the bitterness of the tea would go maybe 30% Brisk Iced would and the sweetness of the Tea and 70% Sierra Mist so that lemon soda would balance out, the mixture would be more carand the lemon would be a classi- bonated and less bitter. cally nice accent to the tea flavor. However, what I found was Got Ideas? Any? I figured not. If you get some though, I’m at:
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BY SUPA KRUPA TROOPA & SEXY LEAF PILE | Staff Writerererers
(creature) who lived in a ________ (noun) There once was a ________ under the
(apparel) sea. His name was Mopjohn Circle _________. Mopjohn was a
(adjective) (past tense verb) his neighbor, Octopusward. ________. fellow, and __________ (verb ending in -ing) a/an ________ (noun) One day, Mopjohn was ____________ on his
(place) (verb) (adjective) display. __________. Octopusward did not ________ this ________ (verb) (body part) ThereOctopusward wanted to ________ Mopjohn’s ________.
(verb ending in -ing) things out his ________ (noun) fore, Octopusward started ___________ at
Mopjohn. When Octopusward PAST TENSE VERB his OBJECTS
(past tense verb) Mopjohn in the _________, (body part) at Mopjohn, they ____________ and he (verb) (verb ending in -ing) but he began to _________. Octopusward started ____________,
(previous verb, past tense) so hard, he fell out of the window and broke his _______________ (instrument) fell after him, and became lodged in his (body part) ________. His ________ (body part) Octopusward now has a permanent injury. ________.