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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
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February 10th, 2010
Volume xl Issue XV
BABY BOOM
KISSING ASS AND TAKING NAMES
CHILD TERRORIST MEDIUM TO HOST "NIGHT OF COMEDY" DESTRUCTION TONIGHT 8PM GRADUATE STUDENT LOUNGE PLOTS OF PLAYGROUND BY SUM DUM JOO COMMANDO UNIED STATES NEWS EDITORS
BY BULLSHIT BINGO STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVE— At 8 pm tonight,
The Medium will be hosting a comedy show in the Rutgers Student Center Graduate Student Lounge. Some of Rutgers’ most ROFLCOPTER’n performers will be up on stage delivering their own brand of Jersey comedy. For those who do not enjoy laughter or do not want to risk a pantswetting episode, dozens of delishioso cookies and baked goods will be available for purchase. News editors Jordan Gochman and Kaitie Davis would like to note that this article is in no way a cheap attempt to brownnose the Medium EIC, Colin Fong, or Managing Editor, Reven McQueen, although their charm and awesomeness is comparable to Chipotle burritos and snow days. “The show will be entertaining on its own,” said Gochman, a freshman who is very keen on advancing through the ranks of The Medium’s editorial staff. “But we can basically credit all of tonight’s turnout on our actions. Of
THIS COULD BE YOU!
Some student's would give their left arm for a free comedy show...and their right one
course, the fact that my improv group is hosting the show will score me some points as well.” The news editors have the unique opportunity to use prime front-page space to advertise this one-of-a-kind event. Davis agreed with Gochman, saying “Coming to this event will be the best decision of your life. It’ll make up for the fact that you’re not from Pennsylvania like me."
The Managing Editor and EIC could not be reached for comment as they were being fed seedless grapes from the personals editors. (The graduate student lounge is located behind Au Bon Pain, in the back of the Rutgers Student Center. Enter from outside. Now you have no excuse not to be there. "But my butt will get sore!" Bullshit. That place has mashmallow fluff bunny couches.)
NAPPY-HEADED HOUNDS
MEN’S BASKETBALL TEAM RECRUITS GOLDEN RETRIEVER
“He’s got great technical skills, he’s loyal to the guys, and he looks so cute in his uniform and his widdle doggy sneakers." The rest of the Rutgers student body has also been kind to the newest Knight. During Bo’s first game against Notre Dame, fans could be seen holding signs like “BO IS BEAST” and “WHO’S A GOOD BOY?” Bo could not be reached for comment because he’s a fucking dog.
BY DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK—Magic Johnson was a star for Michigan. Larry Bird was a star for Indiana. Now, Rutgers coach Fred Hill hopes he has found the next great college basketball star in Bo. Bo is a 2-year-old Golden Retriever from Wichita, Kansas. The AKC certified canine created a lot of buzz as the starting forward for the Happy Paws Kennel Warriors. “Rutgers is extremely lucky to have nabbed such an outstanding player,” said Hill, in his press conference announcing Bo’s addition to the team. “Bo was getting offers from places like Duke and Kentucky, but he chose to come here.” Bo enters the team on the heels of their 9th straight loss, and may not be enough to help the Scarlet Knights to a winning season. “Sure, the kid can shoot,” explained sportswriter Sam Palumbo. “And of course he’s fast, he’s got
OMERSET ST.—Protesting countS less school days of violent exploitation, 5-year-old kindergarten student Jay Connolly decided Tuesday to finally rid the New Brunswick Elementary School playground of all its boogereating, wedgie-giving infidels. “This disrespect will not be tolerated,” Connolly stated, slamming his lunchbox with a clenched fist. “That jerk Tommy has occupied the swing set for too long. Too long!” Connolly expressed the sentiment that ever since that good-for-nothing Tommy Smith and his friends declared the swing set as theirs, he has been forcefully kept away. “We have a god-given right to recess,” Tommy commented. “This is only the beginning.” After an initial hostile confrontation, the two were confined to a partitioned-off sector of the play area, known as, “time-out,” a decision that was sure to raise tensions in the already brutally sectarian conflict. “We will continue our assault of stuck-out tongues and whining until we are recognized by the occupying powers. This is our land, our swin set!,” Connolly declared. “Let me go on the record by stating emphatically that Tommy is, in fact, a butthead.” What he didn’t know or care to understand was that Tommy and his friends had themselves been victims of oppression years earlier, living for some time without a swing set to call their own, and naturally harbored an unflinching resolve to never let it happen again. As of press time the jihad had been temporarily suspended until after nap time.
INSIDE THIS ISSUE: SIT! STAY! SCORE! Bo takes a few pointers from Coach Hill before running off to chase his tail.
four legs. But you can’t just add one superstar player and expect everything to be better.” Despite outside criticisms like Palumbo’s, the Rutgers team has been quick to accept Bo as one of their own. “I don’t want to jinx it, but I think Bo is gonna be great for the team,” said sophomore guard Mike Rosario.
Sarah Palin Gets Confused; Hosts Real Tea Party New Orleans Citizens Use Super Bowl Victory to Momentarily Forget That They Still Don't Have Roofs Over Their Heads
INSIDE NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE: Are you driving a recalled Toyota that's accelerating out of control? Find out how to save yourself!
Another Brick in the Wall ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
Wednesday, Fe-brew-ary 10th, 2010
"You spent 9 months in your mom's womb too? We have so much in common!"
FRESH AS DEATH!
PROPOSED COOK DINING HALL WILL SERVE FRESHEST STEAKS IN JERSEY
Butcher Commons the first self-sustaining dining hall
my ass for my meal swipes! First they limit takeout to what can fit in that white conCOOK—In response to student comtainer. Now they’re limiting plaints from last semester regarding me to just a single cow? It’s wasted dining hall food, a new dinwrong, and I’m not going to ing hall is planned to take root on stand for it. Next, they’ll tell the Cook Campus. The new facility, us that we’re not allowed to Butcher Commons, will have all of eat 5 plates of food in the dinthe amenities of the existing dining ing hall, or take ketchup and halls. The unique feature that makes bushels of bananas back to our this hall the crème de la crème is that dorm. They’re mad!” Other all food will originate from Rutgers’ students are concerned about farms to offset costs. LOOK! YOU CAN RIDE YOUR DINNER! the lack of vegetarian options, “Our cows are reproducing and what they perceive as anilike rabbits, our pigs are reproducthat no food is wasted will have an op- mal cruelty. ing like rabbits, and our rabbits are portunity during Sunday night takeout. A representative from dining serreproducing like—rabbits, but no one Students will be able to select either a vices has already responded to these iseats that,” said a representative from cow or pig, have it slaughtered, and sues. “Animal cruelty? We’re being no the Cook farms. “With all of these ani- have the cuts of their choice. more cruel than Perdue and Hillshire mals, and all of these complaints, why This takeout program has already Farms! I quit. We’ll never make you not kill two birds with one stone? Oh, drawn some criticism from students. bastards happy.” and our chickens are reproducing like Engineering Junior Mark Quéstione A forum to discuss the planned rabbits also.” was very disappointed about the plan to dining hall will take place on the farm Students who want to be sure accept only one meal swipe. “I pay out early next week. BY OSWALDO GOLDBOTTON CONTRIBUTING WRITER
SMACK TALKIN'
"SNOOKI" SIGNS ON WITH UFC BY ABA SABABA FEATURES EDITOR
SEASIDE HEIGHTS—After a forceful debut in the amateur arena, former Jersey Shore fighter Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has committed to going pro. “It’s, like, in my blood,” she commented. “I was born to rip shit up, on the dancefloor and off!” Her track record in the amateur circuit is anything but perfect. The world will never forget the images of her brutal knockout at the hands of Brad “The Destroyer” Ferro.
“Ha! He nailed her right in the face!” chuckled one Eddie Marks, SAS junior. Snooki’s Cinderella story was far from over, though. She promptly returned to a strict regimen of gym, tans, and laundry - coached by none other than former Spanish phenom Mike “El Situacion” Sorrentino, who declined to comment because he was too busy referring to himself in the third person. The Snookster’s first match is scheduled for February 10th against Kimbo Slice, who loves eating white girls.
CREAM FILLIN'
Livingston Res. Life Survey Finds Dunkin Donuts the Only Reason to Continue Living BY SPECIAL K STAFF WRITER
LUCY STONE HALL — It turns out that Rutgers University might not have to spend millions of dollars improving Livingston Campus after all. A recent student satisfaction survey indicated that because of Dunkin Donuts, Livingston residents still harbor a will to live. As one student wrote on her survey, “In a dark, forbidden land where the sun refuses to shine, a sprig of hope remains. That hope is donuts.” Before this glorious establishment of fried, greasy treats, students’ only option was Tillet dining hall, which serves predominately fried, greasy food. Since Dunkin’s arrival, bright, pink colored donuts with multi-colored sprinkles brandish a rainbow that still isn’t there… and probably never will be. Students have also reported that the sweet taste of pastry and the energy from the coffee’s caffeine boost makes them not want to kill themselves and feel as though they are less likely to get raped and/or purple-nurpled in the Livingston forest preserve. University personnel are thrilled with the survey results. Said President Richard McCormick, “To think we were going to spend $50 million on a grocery store, a movie theatre, and a Starbucks! Clearly they’re doing just fine. I'll tell you, those kids are alright!”
SNOOKI WINS: USES RIGHT HOOKI
AN INCONVENIENT SPOOF
CLIMATOLOGISTS THROW IN THE TOWEL
BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
DEE CEE—In the Nation’s capital, there is a hint of depression in the air, but not because of the usual Seasonal Affective Disorder. Rather, the depression comes from the thousands of scientists, climatologists, and environmental activists saddened by the recent cold and blizzards destroying their theories for global warming, and with that, their careers and popularity. The problems began early Saturday
Editorial Staff Spring 2010
F
morning, when people reacted to the snow with a sea of cursing, shocked at the discovery of almost three feet of snow on the ground, instead of 50 degree mildness. Scientists were seen kicking and cursing at snow in anger, begging for it to melt on Sunday, and mostly just sobbing in the fresh powder face down in acceptance. Already, the destruction of the proposal has had lasting impact. The Sierra Club announced yesterday that they will fold within the next 30 days.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong Reven MacQueen Ryan Buttacavoli Paul Winters
Elsewhere, former Vice President and environmental activist Al Gore was found hanged in his Nashville mansion on Monday, holding a note that stated, “Nobody wants to be my friend.” Response from others has been that of relief. “It’s good that we no longer have to worry about the melting of our polar caps and the destruction of our livability,” exclaimed ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson. “Let’s celebrate by having gas and kerosene martinis!” News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Abe Stanway Opinions Editor Erinn Koerner Arts Editor Katie Russian Personals Editor Dave Imbriaco
THEMEDIUMONLINE. COM BECAUSE IF NOT THE TERRORISTS WILL WIN
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Staff Photographer Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Carmella Luczak Mike Vuono Sarah Honey Erinn Koerner Barbara Reed Gov. Thunderthighs
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its authors. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Rutgers Public Safety. Or it would have been had they come to our parking lot and salted it like they said they would.
Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
FEATURES “I was smoking homework with my eyes.”
A Bro’s Life The Hottie of the Week BY ABA SABABA
Chapter 3: The Party
THE MEDIUM Just the
Tip
with Zayin Gadol
Last week: …But the Frisbee house – man, that sounds good. They really know how to bring the fire, and there aren’t too many bros at that place. Tits are pretty much free for the grabbing. “Let’s go to…”
“L
et’s go to the Frisbee house,” I announced. “I need some pussy tonight. I’m not taking any chances with my cock.” And we set off. Rolling up to the house, we get nailed for no ratio. Some weird kid with a retainer was rambling something about “a no bro zone,” but we threw him five bills apiece and he let us in. “Alcohol is downstairs,” he said. “Good luck.” I was about to retort that didn’t he know who I was and that I didn’t need any fucking luck when we got swept into the house by a raging torrent of females. “Holy Asian fetish!” screamed Frenchy in delight. He was right; those slanty-eyed knob-gobblers overran the place like Mexicans on Louis street. “Basement,” I said. “Stat.” As we’re fighting our way to the bar, I realized that it a was highlighter party. This was good news. The shroud of purple darkness makes girls horny. I read that in Scientific American last week. I grabbed the nearest marker and started drawing all over the pair of tits floating in front of my face. Naturally, their owner started laughing, and wrote her number on my arm. Only at Rutgers. By now, I’ve lost sight of Frenchy, who had probably fainted from the euphoria induced by Excessive Asian Exposure Disorder. Luckily, the only disease that afflicts my loins is Jungle Fever, so I start sniffing around. Finding a black girl at a highlighter party is harder than finding a job with a communications degree, but I’m a professional. The key is to look for the disembodied glowing teeth. And there they are! I work my way over to her. “Hey…”
Rutgers; it’s your turn! What does Ryan say? a. How do you like your eggs? Scrambled, or fertilized? b. I’m not white. c. Are you a musician? My cock is giving you a standing ovation right now. d. I’ll cut the bullshit. You’re hot, I’m awesome - let’s dance, shawty!
Vote today on
themediumonline.com! Read next week’s issue to find out what happens!
Dear Zayin, Dude, my girlfriend is out of control. If I forget to call her at least five times a day, she threatens to break up with me! I can’t fall asleep at night because she texts me over and over, asking “Why don’t you love me?” What do I do? -Frustrated and Suicidal
Wanna be hottie of the week? Send your picture to features@themedium.net!
An Interview with a God (or three) BY HOWIE LICHTERSNATCH, Contributing Writer
Howie: Vishnu, you have the power of Shakti, or the power to make impossible things possible. Could you please demonstrate and make Jersey Shore not suck? Vishnu: No, all the gods combined couldn’t pull that shit off. Howie: Yeah, it does blow pretty hard. Shiva, you’re all powerful, can fly, and have a third eye that shoots heat beams. Has anyone discovered that you’re secret identity is Clark Kent? Shiva: Blasphemy! I’m an X-Men fan. Howie: I see. Brahma, you were born from a golden egg. Is there any connection with that and Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory? Brahma: No, not at all. Howie: So you don’t have any Oompa-Loompas? Brahma: No. Do you have any serious questions? Howie: Yep, I was just getting to them. Being a god is a pretty intense kind of job. How do you guys find time to run the universe while still keeping up with work at 7-Eleven? Vishnu: Oh, an Indian joke, very original. Howie: Shiva, a common symbol for you is the lingam, or a wiener. Does this mean that you’re gay? Shiva: No, it merely represents my association with fertility. Howie: I see. Now Brahma, you on the other hand are often associated with lotus flowers. Does this mean that you’re gay? Brahma: Jesus, are you serious? Howie: Quite. So in summation, Hinduism is entirely about being gay. Thanks guys. You have a fascinating religion.
Drunken Story of the Week BY JAUGHN SMITH, Contributing Writer
My house threw a great party this weekend, and the night was a good one. I passed out relatively early to the sweet sounds of Miley Cyrus as the room spun all around. I wake up at 5:30 to the sound of vigorous vomiting. I thought it was my roommate, but about two seconds later, I realized it was actually Lenny, from Of Mice and Men, having a grand ol’ time puking his liver out from under my bed. Read: this kid was large. It was like watching Moby Dick give birth out of his mouth. I proceeded to flip him over, punch him in the stomach, and start screaming bloody murder. Of course, Mongo is completely unresponsive. I start storming the house looking for his keeper, only to find that NO ONE is awake. The house is fucking vacant. How did Rain Man stumble his way into my room on his own? And where the hell is my roommate? And why is this happening to me? Naturally, I started banging on doors, raging hell through the house. I couldn’t find C.C. Sabathia’s owner, so I went back every now and then to kick him out of pure spite. That piece of shit ruined my Bio book! My roommate comes back about and hour later and helps me drag Simple Jack out of my room, slapping him, kicking him, looting him, and drawing on him like his face was the Sistine Chapel. It’s ok though, Refrigerator still had his shoes on, so everything was fair game. Three hours, a few more beers, and one hell of a lot of yelling later, I was asleep again, two feet away from Doofy’s lentil smelling vomit, dreaming of Brower the following day...
themediumonline.com DUDE WE’RE ON THE FUCKING INTERNET LOLOLOL
Dear Frustrated and Suicidal, It sounds like you’re dealing with a Class A cunt. Class A cunts are notorious for being clingy, highmaintenance, soul-sucking fiends who hate giving blowjobs. Other symptoms include frequent marathon arguments about banal shit like why you didn’t hang out last night, as well as her constant entreaties that she is not, in fact, a needy piece of shit and that you should consider yourself lucky not to be dating one. Whew. If all that sounds familiar, you’re in good company. I’ve been there and back, and I barely escaped with my life. But there is an answer. All you need to do is assert your God-given authority by choking her with your dick. Literally. Get two of your buddies to hold her back, and shove your big slimy junk down her throat until she snorts like sea-horse. Wait a minute or two until her face is good and blue, and then read her the riot act like Moses on Mount Sinai. Great examples include “thou shalt not be a twittering twatwaffle!”, “thou shalt fellate me every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday!”, and “thou shalt swallow every time!” Make sure to write everything down before hand so you don’t leave anything out! And don’t forget to film that shit and send it to your ol’ buddy Zayin!
If you have a question for Zayin Gadol, submit it to
features@themedium.net
Broetry, Volume VII By Ubu Sububu What happens to a wet dream deferred? Does it shrivel up Like a scrotum in the sun? Or fester like the herp And then bag? Does it stink like skunked beer? Or crust over-like a used condom from Friday? Maybe it just waits for you to to blow your load. Or does it explode?
THE MEDIUM
Get Parents to Support Your Drinking BY: Investigatory Journalist STAFF WRITER
1. Your landlord raised your rent by $25 a.Not high enough to make you move b.Over 12 months that’s $300 for your party fund 2.Say you forgot to buy a book a.Use a math or science class; books are more expensive b.Find an actual title; mother’s check c.Make sure you say that the used books were sold out d.$75-150 3.Glasses have broken a.You bent over to help a poor orphan and they fell b.While holding the door for your professor a bully pushed you c.$50 (the rest is covered by insurance) 4.Tell your mother you have become a veg etarian and need to buy new food a.Be sure to list at least 5 vegetables you are getting b.1st shopping trip worth $40 5.You need to donate money for extra credit a.Money must be cash
OP/ED “Thank you for braving the snow”
Im Burning for You A Hot Story from Two Sides
BY: Dr. Clayton Forrester STAFF WRITER
WOOT! THE ROOF IS ON FIRE! Holy shit, man! This is the craziest party I’ve ever been to! The roof is on fire up in here! I’ve never seen so many hot chicks I wanted to bang. They are gonna be making some bad decisions tonight. Aww shit, is that “Run this Town?” Yo, turn it up, bro! I fucking love Jay-Z. This place is raging man. Where’s my boy, Zipper? Oh shit, he’s over there grinding on that slut! She totally wants him. I’m gonna see if I can do a body shot off that freshmen and really get this party going! Oh man, this is awesome!
to impress me, be thoughtful and get me a giant bag of spinach leaves to make me less anemic! Now that’s what I call romantic! Also, if you’re going to get my flowers, make sure they are one hundred percent dead. I once killed a cactus that I got very attached to (or at least the first week I owned it) and named Sally. I’m not kidding. I’m a plant murderer. And on the topic of murders, don’t act like one to try to get my attention. Serenading me with rap songs I don’t like at bus stations when I don’t know you is rather creepy and a half. And besides that, I have enough creepers in my life. Get creative and actually get to know me. I know it’s a terribly hard concept, but your chances of getting a date with me will go up exponentially. I hope this helped somewhat, and if it didn’t, do what I do. Go on a hot date with your teddy bear.
opinions@ themedium.net Rant, Rave, and Retaliate Send in your submissions and see YOUR name in print!!
AHH! THE ROOF IS ON FIRE! Holy shit, man! Something went wrong with the oven! The roof is on fire! Please somebody call the fire department! My whole house is about to burn down! Ok, everybody just stay calm and get out of the house. Don’t stop to grab anything, just get into the front yard. Damnit, Suzie, watch your head! That board almost hit you! Everyone has to get down on the ground below the smoke and move quickly. Remember our fire escape plan! Oh thank God, we all made it out alive. Wait, where’s Zipper? No! The dog’s still inside! It’s too late, Billy. We can’t go in for him. We just have to wait for the firemen to get here. Oh God, this is awful.
Cute Things COME TO THE Semi-Center COMEDY SHOW
BY: Erinn Koerner OPINIONS EDITOR To all of you students who are thinking it might be more fun to sit home and smoke
Valentine’s Guide to the Extremely Abnormal
BY: Special K STAFF WRITER Are you trying to please the impossible on the 14th? I thought so. Well, even if you’re not, here’s the guide to how to impress that interesting lady, or at least me anyways. First and foremost, don’t go the traditional route of candy and flowers. You have to be abnormally sensitive with these things. A box of chocolate is not the way to my heart. It’s actually the way to my death. I’m allergic. If you really want
Feb, 10th 2010
Ode to Facebook Quizzes BY: Super Special K STAFF WRITER
Facebook quizzes, facebook quizzes Decide my life for me They tell me I like the color red And my lucky number is three That one day I will be attacked by a gorilla With a pink and white striped shoe But if I were in a horror movie I’d know exactly what to do That one day I will have eight kids Named with the letter J I’ll die of tripping down the stairs I’ll meet my true love in May If I were a snack mix, I’d totally be chex If I were a dinosaur I’d so be a t rex However my favorite one of all Is that my kiss is green? Facebook quizzes, facebook quizzes You are ALL obscene
rather than come to The Medium’s own comedy show; you’re dumb. You should light up before you come, or even smoke on the way. We here at The Medium have a “pro-smoke before you get to our events” policy. As many of you may know smoking helps make stupid things funny. Please smoke before you come…there will be many baked good for you baked people. Also our EIC will be performing. That alone is worth braving the weather. Come out, have fun, and if you’re feeling brave get up and improvise. We’ll even let you sing a song. To quote the personals, come “bitch on bitches” and have some fun! See you there!!! Oh and if you bring me a cute furry animal you automatically win my vote.
The Cutest Thing Ever (Of the Week)
The Babies Documentary RU ready for the
Are you ready for a night of comedy Knight of Comedy Contest?!
Feb. 10th, 8pm Grad. Student Lounge, College Ave
Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
THE MEDIUM
ARTS “Luke, I am your father.”
The Arts: Valentine’s Day Special
Lets’s face it, being alone on Valentine’s Day blows, so here are some suggestions to help you cure the lonelies. If you’re a guy, why not get your other single male friends together for a good ol’ fashioned circle jerk? If you’re feeling especially frisky, you could even branch out beyond your comfort zone and try an equilateral rhombus jerk, or even a dodecahedron jerk. Be creative!
If you’re a girl with no one to bang you in the parking lot outside Wal-Mart in the heat of the moment, have no fear! You can do it yourself, using the “Road Warrior” of course. This trusty contraption plugs right into your cigarette lighter, ready for action! It’s almost as good as the real thing, guaranteed.
(The Road Warrior, not actual size)
(Circle)
(Dodecahedron)
Comic Submission by VontSkull
Submit to arts@themedium.net
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS “That’s ok Precious, no one loves me either.”
Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
TRANSPORTATION
DATING
HOUSEWARES
SOCIAL EVENTS
To the fuckin scumbag saturday night on the EE, New Gibbons stop, that wouldn’t let the girl off the bus as she was being pushed into the window and crying from pain; I hope you get rufied and raped up the ass by the girls from Sigma Gamma Rho. In response to last week’s personal: I don’t care if I bump into you as I’m getting on the bus. It’s more important that I get a spot, because otherwise I’m stuck there for Hell knows how long. Does not waiting for you make me rude? I don’t give a shit, I have cunt-ramming to do.Also, a word of advice: you shouldn’t threaten people with your “kung fu” if you’re 5’1’’ and get “trampled” on the bus. (Kung fu midgets? Really.) To the kid on my F who was having an obnoxiously loud phone conversation with his mom: seriously, no one cares about your fucking personal life. I do not care about the fact that getting 100 dollars a week from your mom isn’t enough or that you have mysterious uncontrollable vomiting problems. When you got in a fight and starte d yelling, I seriously contemplated breaking the window and throwing you in front of traffic on route 18. No one on the bus could look at each other with a straight face because we all knew we were having the same homicidal thoughts as you continued to loudly talk about shit no one cared about. By the way, your annoying voice didn’t help the situation. You sounded like you had something permanently lodged in your throat, probably the dick of some frat brother you chopped off when he was pledging. When your roadtripping with your mom through Atlanta and Savannah (which you thought was cooler than going to Chicago for some retarded reason), I hope you get AIDS or light yourself on fire. Go kill yourself, you retarded fuck.
To the girl I bumped into at Brower: I feel very bad for bumping into you and disturbing your meal, however I will not apologize because you decided to sit with someone wearing a Rutgers Ballroom shirt. You have earned none of my respect today.
To third floor Metzger. Grow the fuck up, stop shouting in the hallways at every odd hour of the day. When it’s three o clock in the fucking morning just shut up and stop stinking up the whole place. To alarm boy, I believe my eloquent words were actually “WTF ALARM?” I don’t give a fuck where the fuck you were over the fucking weekend - handle your shit! The entire floor hears it and there’s nothing we can do about it CUZ YOUR FUCKING DOOR IS LOCKED AND THE LITTLE SHITTER DOESN’T FUCKING STOP RINGING! SO JUST DO US ALL A FAVOR AND TURN THAT SHIT OFF! Dear Bearded Angel, You are a dumbass. I contacted you because I found your ipod in class, but you never responded. If you want the ipod back its too late because I already sold it so I could get some drug money, it was totally worth it, thanks.
To the pathetic kid who wants to join my frat; Either you’re desperate for my dick, desperate to have my acceptance and by association, desperate to get into my frat, or else you’re just too retarded to realize your personality makes most people want to dive into a pit of needles filled with battery acid previously used by AIDS patients rather than talk to you. Firstly, I’m not gay. Secondly, I didn’t think my wording was all too confusing. Thirdly, I’m considering writing a calm, less profane response politely informing you simply that I know where your priorities lie and I don’t wish to associate myself or my fraternity with someone like you.. Kick rocks and get fucked. (See frats? This is why so many people fucking hates you.)
To the beautiful man who rode the REXL last semester every morning to and from Death and Afterlife. You are so beautiful. Your beautiful brown, rustled hair frames your beautiful face so beautifully. To Supreme Court boy: I saw you on the bus again today and you said that the Johnson and Johnson headquarters was actually a grad school building. Dumbass. Love, the juicehead guido. To the model look alike you know who u r.. Simply put I want you! To the girl in my chem class; You’re decently good looking, around a 6 or 7 depending how bitchy you are that day. But after lecture you stood up, you obviously weren’t wearing a bra and your tits poking through your sweater and was staring me down, you might just be a 7 more often to me. To the two guys and girl that took up six seats on my F bus that resembled a group of polygamist cabbage-patch kids; What the fuck is your deal?! You had the nerve to yell through the group of us standing because your XXL-Asses took up extra seats. The girl of the group kept screaming how she had to pay for pizza and soda on her birthday and how she has to hide peanut butter from her dad- NO ONE FUCKING CARES! Guess what, judging by your FUPA, you don’t need any more fucking pizza in your diet and I am shocked you and the word “friends” go in the same sentence. I hope you all end up as the next CNN story about a raid on a cult you sorry fucks. Dear Abe, I don’t know how to break this to you, but I actually dislike being called Kaitie. xoxo, your best friend
COMMUNITY To the girl who kept sighing in my Feminist Theory class; Please shut the fuck up. None of us care how bored/sexually frustrated you are. Oh, and kudos to dumpster diving girl. To the probably still drunk ass idiots across the street from my lovely window. I know you’re excited about snow and you’re probably so crunk you think it’s raining cocaine but I’d like to get around to spanish homework. Love with lots of x’s and o’s, Miss Webmaster <3 To the fat loser Japanese wanna be freak in my creative writing class. What is wrong with you!? Why do you find it necessary to relate every single poem you hear to a stupid anecdote from your past that no one fucking cares about?! And your name will never be Crimson Blood you stupid lonely bitch. I hope you choke on a twinkie. (Wow. Sounds like there a lot of douches in that class.)
CHARITY EVENTS Last semester I submitted a personal about hating the Asian chick that never paid me back in the computer lab. Well, this semester in the same computer lab where she fucked me over, I found another Asian’s wallet. It was karma!! Thank you random Asian for the 60 bucks and gift card to Target for 50 bucks, good things DO come to those who wait!! To the fucker in Arab-Israeli Conflict who asks five questions every single class about worthless shit... Here’s some advice from your classmates; SHUT THE FUCK UP. You sit there and try to give everyone the history of Israel when guess what, you?re NOT the damn professor. Every time you open your sorry-ass mouth I can hear the simultaneous slitting of wrists across the room. I hope you choke on your next matzo ball so we never have to hear you again. By the way, you smell like an asshole from a rotting corpse that just got fucked by a horse. Shower, for the love of the god. Anna is a fat cunt. I hope she dies.
To the bitch who stuck her finger in our chocolate fountain at the bake sale at the DCC. I hope next time your club needs to get money because RUSA fucked you out of it that some bitch like you wrecks it so you can’t go on tour. (Wow. What a fucking bitch. Who the fuck ruins a fucking BAKE SALE?)
HOUSING To the bitch in the guys apartment in Starkeys; Why the hell do you have to sit there and talk so fucking loud at 2am. Some of us are trying to sleep but in stead I have to hear your idiotic laugh. Hope you slip on ur ass walking to your class and get run over by the bus, stupid bitch.
MUSIC To that girl that came upstairs and told me to shut off my polka music, piss off After a long day of classes, I like to come home and play one of 100 bass bumpin tracks that my roomate’s keyboard plays at the highest possible volume to relax. If I want to play Danny Boy on volume 9, no one is going to stop me, not even you. I told you it was Fall Out Boy because you looked like the type who would fuck Pete Wentz and I thought you would leave me alone, but to my dismay, you didn’t. Also it was 11:40. Put in some headphones bitch, don’t hate on my culture. (That’s right. Yoddle leh hee fucking hoo motherfuckers.) To my roommate who was listening to the fucking Pokemon soundtrack ALL FUCKING DAY; Please do us all a favor and try and get laid...and action figures don’t count... To the asshole in the parking lot who insists on blasting his rap music for 2 hours every fucking day; I will smash your fucking windshield with my tiny fists of fury the next time you do that shit.
Bitch on sexy mofos... Bitch on. personals@themedium.net
Wednesday Febtober 10th 2010 CREEPY FUCKS...
To the guy in the red hadtype thing that was taking up 3 whole seats on the F on Monday afternoon: not only are you probably the most inconsiderate and rude shithead that I’ve seen in a long time, but you are also the single creepiest person on campus. The conversation you were having with yourself the entire ride was extremely disturbing and then you literally skipped from the bus to the RSC. Please get mental help. hey cute girl I spoke to briefly after class the other day: I’d like to meet up with you and chill. meet me outside House 29 in Quad 2 on Livingston Friday at 6? (YOU’RE CREEPY!!)
CAR HATE
PENIS!
“Hopefully it snowed like a mother fucker last night.”
OMG RESPONSES
to the guy that wrote in about the lesbian lovers in our arabic class. Maybe you should take a trip to the bathroom with them and look in the mirror. You need to do something with the chia pet growing on your head and your grandpa sweaters because you look like the love child of bozzo the clown and Mr. Rodgers. how old are you anyways?...pipe down 40 year old virgin! (Oh boo fucking hoo! Someone made fun of your little friends! IN THE MEDIUM! Are you bleeding or do you have constant PMS from being such a crybaby bitch all the time? How about next time you clean all that sand out of your moldy twat and maybe, just maybe, you’ll get some stupid dude to go within 5 feet of it. Man, you people fucking suck!) To the person who likes my sexy blue bicycle: I appreciate the kind observations, but I was unfortunately hitand-run the other day. The good news is that I’ll sport my even sexier carbon fibre racing bike for the time being. I bike all over campus all the time, so give a friendly shout-out sometime. And to the editor’s remarks, bikes are sexy enough to be a porn classification, the bike team’s not homosexual (not that there’s anything wrong with that), and tight spandex is awesome. I like it tight around my legs of steel...
To that bitch ass punk who broke my side view mirror on sunday. I know who you are, and imma find you and kick your fucking ass! Imma go down to P*********o and take out all your mirrors and maybe knock some teeth out of your mouth. To the arse who hit-and-run me on my bike last Thursday at 7 PM on George St around the DCC. I’m a nice guy and wouldn’t have done a single thing if you stopped, but you’re damn lucky I didn’t catch your plates and convict you as a felon for running. Lucky for you, there were plenty of other people standing around who did have time to DON’T FUCK take down the make, model, THESE PEOPLE. and license plate of your car. Keep running you cowards. SERIOUSLY. To the owner of the red, To the guy in front of me on white & primer honda civic the brower takeout line, can in the Richardson lot, with you and your ugly ass girlthe 8x12 test patch to see if friend please get a room? I the red spray paint would really did not want to come match, and the 4” exhaust to get takeout when it is retip half covered by the rear- ally busy and watch you bumper cover, and the saw- two suck face. It’s not cool. zall cut stock springs: I love To those fucking ROTC your car. guys always hanging out (So I’m going to assume by Mettlar... You guys put from that that you have a a new name to sloppy sec2” penis, a massive infeiri- onds. I guess its ok that you ority complex and need to cycle through the same girls compensate for it by having cause you’re not going to a psuedo-nice car. I would be seeing many of ‘em over pity you but I hate you too seas. I guess its a bit late for ‘dont ask dont tell’. much, so go kill yourself.) IN A CLUB? ADVERTIZE WITH THE MEDIUM! CONTACT BUSINESS@THEMEDIUM.NET FOR AD PRICES. BUY ADS! HELP US HELP YOU (AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, GIVE US MONEY :-).
DIE ROOMMATE!
To my smelly ass Jew roommate. Have you ever heard of soap? I ask because you own none, probably too cheap to buy some. But do us all a favor, buy some, and take a fucking shower, you smell like a fucking warthog. P.S: Fuck all you Notre Dame bible thumpers, you just lost to the worst team in the big east bitches.
WHO SUCKS? THESE PEOPLE!
you know whats ruder than having a phone call in public, having a fucking video chat in public..Yes I’m talking to you Indian girl in the art history building on cook doug..thats like the lamest most ruthless cunt thing I have ever seen someone do. Go somewhere else like your smelly room to bitch about your day to your friend. (If that’s seriously the most “ruthless cunt” thing you’ve ever seen someone do, you obviously don’t get out very much. Go check out Sigma Gamma Rho if you want some ruthless cunts.) To the fucktard this past Sunday who took my clothes out of the first top dryer on the left, in the PAL building on Cook: next time you decide to touch my clothes, and throw them on the table all the way across the room, I will be watching you and I will fucking hunt you down like a wild rabid animal that does not deserve to live.....Sarah Palin style. That goes to any other cocksucker who decides to touch my clothes with their grimy hands. (Maybe you should just be there when your shit is done, dumbass. Or maybe simple planning isn’t quite your forte, which then begs the question of how the hell you got into Rutgers in the first place.) To the nerdy brown hoe in bac phys: Shut the fuck up and stop asking retarted questions in that goddamn bitchy voice of yours! Is Wayne Brady gonna havta choke a bitch! Seriously just do the fucking crossword like the rest of us and shut the fuck up! (WTF is “bac phys”?)
THE MEDIUM
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA...
We asked and you answered...mostly. Spicy Caramel and I were delighted to see our inbox this weekend had a nice amount of submissions! SEND MORE MOTHERFUCKERS!!! I’m sure you all haven’t noticed the cosmetic changes we’ve made to this section. Let us know what you think about them. Hell, give us ANY feedback on what on these pages make you laugh or make you want to kill us... Personals@TheMedium.net is the place! We’re gonna try some newish things this semester so it’s really valuable if you tell us what works and what doesn’t. We won’t kill you, I promise. Ok, maybe we will. Also, apparently the online submissions page does not work. So yeah, uh, don’t use that yet. We’ll keep you posted on when that gets fixed, like what I’m doing to your cat later today. Our web monkeys are busy banging on their typewriters and throwing their shit trying to fix it. I think they are, at least. Personals@TheMedium.net is the place where all the cool kids send their personals. You should too. Cheers, people. ~Satanic Yoda PS. One of you actually DID respond to last week’s poll, so the winning answer is.... If the basketball team loses a game, but no one hears about it, does it really lose? (I hope more of you actually vote and don’t pick the lamest answer that I came up with next time.) To the ridiculously loud WTF? jordyn pooped in the show- black chick on the EE last Friday announcing her love er!!! of Haitian dick: There’s a (EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!) “We were somewhere bunch of dudes in Haiti that around Barstow on the edge could use a pick-me-up right of the desert when the drugs about now, your gaping cunt begin to take hold.” Sud- could come in handy. Plus, denly Hunter S. Thompson you’d be away from Rutand the Hell’s Angel’s are gers. Win-Win. PS bring attacked by a herd of bats. condoms, they already got You know, this makes me 99 problems they don’t need wonder if Hunter S. Thomp- the herp too. son ever wrote for the Me- To the kid in every single dium. He would have been Classics course with the laughing, doping, fuck- pubey beard: SHUT UP. ing and generally having a Nobody gives a shit about helluva time. The fucking your attempts to slob every professor’s knob. Even the world according to Gonzo. adriana we all know what prof had to tell you to shut up last semester. Also, the your doing!!! :0 Arab death metal you were (BUSTED!) watching on Youtube was To the faggy purple-hooded blowing out my eardrums teletubbie in my lit class, from 10 feet away, please thanks for insisting on pickturn down your headphones, ing the chair that my feet twatwaffle. were clearly in the basket of (Arab death metto drag forward, causing my al? “JIIIIIIIIIIIfeet to get stuck and dragged HAAAAAAAAAD!” Fuck, I along as well. I guess you gotta find some of that shit.) need a 5ft clearance around Contrary to that heart sign you at all times and that you at the take-out line, Browdon’t care if there were forty er does NOT love you. All other seats you could have Brower gives you is a power picked. Do us all a favor hour. and shave your fucking Jew (I use the coffee to cure my fro before it eats someone’s constipation.) desk next.
THE MEDIUM
WHAT’S SNAKIN’Wednesday, Febtoburch 10, 2-ought-ten
“Do you know what the queers are doing to the soil?”
There’s events happening on Campus Or not, we haven’t done this thing a while. Either we were lazy, or nothing literally happened the last couple months at Rutgers. Whatever, here are some things, unless we get a ton of snow today, then disregard this entire message: Wednesday 2/10- RSC Grad Student Lounge- there is this satirical verbal joust open to all able bodies hosted by this little rapscallion filled comedic arts periodical called The Moderate. Check it out, they like humour, they like people, and they like money. Friday 2/12- Uh, all the halls- Something involving Slovenian Shirling Bisexual Magazine... Club. Whatever. Point is I’ll be completely conked out that day, so I don’t care what’s happening.
Hello, I’m Medium writer Torgo Van Pelt. I take care of the place when the EIC is away. However, this week, special and tragic circumstances occured which put me in charge of this section. Evidently, the old What’s Shakin’ guys got in a horrific goating accident the other day. It was really horrific. Their guts were all about Livingston, the look on their faces- oh God, I nearly threw up three times. This was only supposed to be a harmless prank! Anyway, enough with the mourning; this thing I believe.
Sunday 2/14- The RAC- Rutgers men’s basketball vs. Georgetown. Because when I think of a romantic way to spend Valentine’s Day, I think of spending time at a half-filled RAC watching Fred Hill get payed $2 million to lose by 25 points by putting together the worst fucking bunch of fucks ever. Not including Hamady N’diaye of course. You’re cool, Hamady.
Still Shakin’: The Rush Holt/ Frank Pallone Power Hour
You Probably Don’t Remember Them, But They are Still Awesome Enough So You Should Like ‘Em: The Dead Milkmen
I’ll admit I grew up on a lot of Weird Al as a kid, so I guess that’s where I first developed my humor streak. I eventually grew out of him, but I still look for this twisted streak of humor in my life. After bouncing from artist to artist, I discovered this punk band, Philly’s Phab Phour. The first song from them I heard was Punk Rock Girl, which is okay, but then I got a mix from a friend and it had some really crazy and awesome shit on it. Bitchin’ Camaro, Stuart, Tiny Town, Beach Party Vietnam, I Dream of Jesus. That craziness really got me hooked on them. Also, I always love the above image of them with Hall of Fame Manager Sparky Anderson. The story behind this is really interesting and involves a 4-A player with the Tigers who really loved the band, but you can find out about that online. If you don’t like The Dead Milkmen, be prepared to have a polite verbal joust against me.
Rush Holt and Frank Pallone, the two Congressmen representing the Rutgers area in the House are awesome and pretty much the best part of being a Jersey Democrat. They are both trying their hardest to fight for my love. Healthcare, ending the war, funding science, transport, the environment, voting rights, you name it; One of them’s been there fighting for my love. But I don’t mean they are just fighting for my love over just policy. I mean they are literally fighting for me to endorse one of them as awesomest politician in Jersey. Remember that huge explosion down in Lambertville the other day? Yeah, Rush the Quaker Assassin and Frankie the Fisticuffsman were in round four of their best of 7 sustainable awesomeness brawl to not the death, but until one’s really out of breath. Maybe if they’re lucky and with my endorsement, they could get one step closer to a really awesome position, like Fighter Pilot, or Secret Agent. Who do I think will be loser in this brawl? You guessed it, Frank Pallone. As good as he is, he just can’t beat a 5-time Jeopardy champ, a rocket scientist, and a guy I want to be my dad.(Sorry, Skip)
Last words...
1) Super Bowl XLIV-now that everyone is talking about how Peyton Manning is the worst thing to ever happen to society after throwing that picksix, I can’t help but think that Rex Grossman, after going through the exact same shit three years earlier, feels vindicated after the watching the media barrage from his home in... wait, who does Sex Cannon play for now? news@themedium.net-News articles Business@themedium.net- Advertising 2) So apparently, we now have a second writer here who uses an MST3K features@themedium.net-Features articles opinions@themedium.net-Op/Eds reference for a pen name. Awesome. Two things I have to say in response arts@themedium.net- Toons/songs/fiction/poems to that. One- marry me, please marry me. And two- I can only hope that personals@themedium.net- Angry rants this could lead to bigger and better things. By this time next year, we better events@themedium.net- What’s shakin stuff have every single made-up name from Space Mutiny used. Youtube Video of the Week: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSUKMa1cYHk Or is it?: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29lmR_357rA
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