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Volume XLVII Issue I QUICKIES
Freshman Still Waiting to Cross George Street Sexually Satisfied Barchi Announces, "Aw what the hell, no class tomorrow!" Movie Critics Take Apart Lego Movie JK Rowling Rewrites Harry Potter Franchise as an Erotic Crime Drama No Athelete Are Putin in Sochi Barchi Shamed for Small Endowment
February 12th, 2014
50¢
GEORGE ZIMMERMAN TO BOX HEALTHY GIRAFFE BY CORRIDOR MAN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
COPENHAGEN, DENMARK – Following the cancellation of the highly publicized celebrity boxing match between George Zimmerman and rapper DMX, officials at the Copenhagen Zoo in Denmark have stepped forward to arrange a new bout, replacing DMX with a perfectly healthy male giraffe. The zoo, which recently killed a healthy giraffe to save space and prevent inbreeding, has promised to produce another of the animal to fight Zimmerman. As fate would have it, despite DMX’s exit, an African will still have the opportunity to beat up George Zimmerman. Zoo official Markus Danish outlined his plan for the pay-per-view match. “With our first giraffe, we didn’t know what to do with
it so we just killed it,” he said. “This time around we needed a more creative approach to wrong our animals.”
NSA T AND A
As was the last giraffe, the carcass of the loser will be fed to the zoo lions. The match, which Continued on Page 2
NSA Reports Confirm ‘Stacy is a Total Bitch’
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
SOUTH BRUNSWICK, NJ – With many communication companies admitting to their involvement with government surveillance of the general public, NSA reports that have been made available to the public, confirming that Stacy Morehouse is “a total fucking bitch.” This information was retrieved from text messages originating from the cell phone of River Valley High School junior Monica Dalton who in a 37 message tirade of Stacy’s apparent bitchiness. As NSA agents decoded the teenage encryptions, it was revealed that Stacy had begun dating Monica’s best friend’s third ex-boyfriend only five days after they had broken up. It was this event that led Monica to send a mass text message to several of her friends, family members, and, for unknown reasons, NSA agents directly.
Agents are still debating on whether Monica Dalton’s behavior in her telecommunications makes her a threat to the United States and to the security of its freedoms. The NSA keeps surveillance on millions of Americans every day, but remarkably very few exhibit tendencies of a terrorist or mass murderer. However, during one instance, Monica made a phone call to discuss her abhorrence of Stacy and told her friend, “I mean, Stacy is such a fucking sluttly bitch, you know, I mean, like, I would fucking kill her for being such an ugly bitch, like, you know?” The NSA recently issued a red alert after this phone call and armed agents are positioned outside of the Dalton home to suppress the terrorist threat. Real-time reports are coming in as this issue goes to print to con"LIKE OMG INBD! TGIF SUV TXT UR BF TTFN" firm that this wanted criminal is Monica sends a sad photo to her boyfriend, Eddy Snowden currently posting an emotionally vague Facebook status.
Lost in an Awesome Igloo SInce 1970
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Wednesday, February 12th, 2014
YOU'RE A PHONEY
I'VE GOT A STRAIGHT SIX
Student Wants to Take Relation- Rutgers Buses Segregation ship with Clock to Next Level Worse than Montgomery BY ANIME HAIR
maybe if Tom got to know the PISCATAWAY, NJ – Since the clock better, as opposed to starbeginning of his General Chem- ing at it all the time, that maybe istry course, Rutgers student he can resume his studies in atTom Cumber could not tear his oms or crystal lattices or whateyes away from the clock. It be- ever the fuck it is we’re learning gan, on the first day of class, with about right now,” one friend renothing more than shy glances. ports. Cumber reportedly claimed Strategy proposals are varthat originally, he only wanted to ied; one friend suggested “accheck the time. But by the end of cidently” dropping a pencil in his third lecture he found that he front of the clock in order for simply could not look anywhere Cumber to catch its eye. But else. Friends of Cumber became this was quickly rebutted, as worried when his grades be- most agreed that he should simgan to lag, as evidently he pre- ply “suck it up” and ask it out. ferred to gaze almost lustfully at When reporters last spoke with the timepiece rather than listen him, Tom had decided on casuto the drone of his professor. It ally slipping it his number on a has gotten to a point where they piece of paper. “Whatever haphave begun to urge Cumber into pens, happens,” he added with making a move. “We feel that a shrug. PERSONALS EDITOR
BY LODGE BLACKMAN COPY EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – Fifty years after the Civil Rights Movement, segregation still runs rampant. This shameful fact is manifested at Rutgers and is most apparent in the bussing system. Certainly we have drivers of different ethnicities, but the front of the buses are also reserved for iPhone users. The seats before the third stirrup have been officially designated as "iPhones Only" and the remainder of the seats are left for Android users. Of course, Windows Phone and Blackberry owners are barred entirely from seating on the buses, forced to stand, clutching the bars and stirrups that hang from them. "This situation is a disgrace for an institution of Rutgers' caliber," commented student rights activist Aloysius Buttersmith III. Buttersmith continued that he recognizes the privilege involved in this issue. He told reporters that when he grew up, his father always supplied him with the most popular cell phone. Even as a child, he was surrounded by Palm Pilots that his father had found obsolete. "I lived in a cloister," said Buttersmith, "I never even
knew about those poorer children who were stuck with some enormous Motorola cellular. A few months ago, when I learned that I was in classes with such underprivileged people, I identified with their struggle. One night, I awoke sweating from a nightmare that involved s-s-ssoup cans, tethered together by string. It was horrifying." James Hill spoke for the Department of Transportation Services at Monday's discrimination hearing. In his speech, he acknowledged the issue, saying, "This is bullshit. There's no reason why reasonable people would be treated unequally based upon what brand of mobile phone they have. I can't believe that this garbage has gotten so far. It's terrible. I myself wouldn't believe it if it weren't for the fact that it's actually happening." It seems that he actually recognized an issue, though it is unclear as to whether or not he was referring to the matter of fact that this discrimination definitely exists and is currently the scourge of our fine university. This story will be reported as it continues to develop throughout Blackberry History Month.
PUSHING UP DICKWEEDS "IT WON'T TAKE ME THAT LONG" Tom Cumber considers a relationship with this curvasious clock.
BOXING
...continued from front
will be covered by HBO and Animal Planet, is expected to draw millions of viewers. “I don’t think this giraffe should be considered a celebrity,” said Zimmerman. “He’s an animal, and animals are irrational and don’t know right from wrong. He might exploit the rules during our fight and end up really hurting me.” The giraffe couldn’t be reached for comment. Get it? Because he’s tall.
Editorial Staff Spring 2014
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Stewart Hallman Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Fratypus
That Local Asshole Found Dead at Nineteen BY EATON JEJEZ STAFF WRITER
PISCATAWAY, NJ – A local university student and supreme douchebag was found dead on Rutgers University's Busch Campus late last week. The body of Armand Waphelle, a 19 year old sophomore and noted dickwad in the School of Arts and Sciences, was discovered in the road near the university's Library of Science and Medicine at approximately 2:30AM. “Armand is dead. Tragic, but he was basically a giant cunt,” said Keaton Feeley, the deceased bitchboy's fraternity brother. “Everyone hated him. News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Sasha Romayev Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editor Sara Markowitz Page A7 Editor Lesly Kurian
I don't know why we pledged him. To this day he probably didn't know why his pledge name was 'the Blue Waphelle.’” The late asswipe was a brother in the Beta Rho Omega fraternity. The cause of the overwhelming jackhole's death was determined to be blunt trauma to the head. Tire tread marks were found next to the cockmunch's body, indicating there may have been some form of collision or other automotive struggle. “He liked to start shit,” said his former roommate Mitch Vassel. Continued on Page A7 Sports Editor Justin Lesko Copy Editors Henry Chen Jon Holzsager Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Canadians
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Daft Punk. Those weirdos have gotten us through so many productions. Without them, we would be licking gum off a REXL bus floor for sustinence.
Wednesday, February 12th, 2014
ARTS
“It’s my birthday so you should buy me a shot. BUY ME A SHOT.”
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JACOB THE CURIOUS CAT, PART I - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
DICKONOMICS - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
Dear Michael, Roses are red Violets are blue Tacobell, I like you. Love, Arts P.S. Please join The Medium. News really wants your dick Got a Valentine? Eat it. Don’t? Slap the bag until you’re ready to drunk-text your ex. Or your cute new lab partner. Your old piano teacher. Whatever, freak. Just don’t be alone, that’s fucking sad. Treat yoself to a shot, on the Prof. ~Professor XXX
DAVID AND JERRY, WORLD’S WORST ROOMMATES - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
GEORGIE - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
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OPINIONS
“One day my ultimate pitch will get in.”
FEATURED GAY COMMENTARY
Why Is Platonic Love Between Two Men Considered Gay?
HOW ABOUT YOU BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS
My Backpack is Just More Important Than You
BY COLBY MELVIN
The amount of affection that same-sex friends can show each other varies greatly with gender. Two female friends are allowed to hold hands and cuddle, and it is all seen as perfectly straight and normal. But if two men show similar affection, they have to be careful to keep it masculine or people will assume that they are homosexual. I will use myself as an example. My friend came into town today, and we decided to get some ice cream together. None of that frozen yogurt shit, because that’s pretty gay, but real manly ice cream. We even both decided on the most heterosexual of ice cream flavors, rocky road and fudge ripple. In order to save money, we decided
to get one large ice cream cone instead of two smaller ones. When we went to order, however, the attendant looked really uncomfortable with the order. I mean, it probably wasn’t because he thought we were gay, because this is New Jersey and no one gives a shit about that here. We were rubbing each other’s stomachs while ordering, which I guess looked a little weird but I swear it was only because I hadn’t seen my friend in a long time. So the attendant doesn’t want us to order one large ice cream cone. I explain politely and without any sort of obnoxious tone in my voice that we’re doing it to save money, since the big cone was cheaper than two smaller cones. At this point the manager butts in and says that just for us, he’ll make the
two cones cheaper. All the workers look visibly uncomfortable at this point. And my bro and I weren’t doing anything besides some light platonic genital fondling. Obviously these people were bigots. Well, we finally got the cone after I very calmly argued and the opposition screamed homophobic slurs at us. Well, okay, not out loud, but they were totally thinking it. As my best buddy and I started to devour the ice cream at the same time, complete with some friendly, platonic lip touching, the manager finally asked us to leave. My question is, why is our culture so screwed up like that? What if two little boys did the same thing, huh? Why, do you know any who are doing that? Did you tape it? Can you lend it to me?
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I can’t wait to celebrate Valentine’s Day with my Amazing Girlfriend BY CODY ADAMS
Valentine’s Day this year is going to be amazing, like you don’t even understand I might not be able to wait ‘till Friday, that’s how much it’s getting to me. I have the ultimate night planned for my girl and me, and she’s going to just melt, once the nights over. I care about her so much. She deserves so much in this world and I hope I can make our first Valentine’s Day extra special. First, we are going to have the most romantic dinner. Then--oh after that--oh this is when she’s just going to love me. We’ll go back to my place, and she’s probably going to think I’m just going to want to fuck, but nah, we’re just going to stream Frozen and cuddle for the rest of the night. Yeah...I can wait! It’s gonna be the cutest Valentine’s Day ever.
Wednesday, February 12th, 2014
BY PHILLIP ANTHONY DICKSON WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS SCHOOL? Telling me to put my backpack on the ground instead of using the perfectly good seat right next to me. You have to be fucking kidding me. I’m sorry but let me ask you all something: do you own the fucking bus? NO! Yeah that’s what I thought. So what gives you the fucking right to tell me I should put my backpack on the ground with the rest of the peasant backpacks out there? Mine is fucking nice and I will not absolutely will not put it on the FUCKING GROUND. Have you seen the floors of these fucking buses? After it rains, you can see the slime and sludge that these disgusting people track onto the bus, and you want me to put my beautiful backpack on the ground? I bet you even would be okay with me putting my backpack where that Seeing Eye dog just took a shit, I bet you would encourage it. Let me ask you this: would any of the bros out their wear their “fresh Jordans” out in public and then put them somewhere they will get fucking dirty? Where is the common sense? So it’s okay to want to keep something you wear on your abnormal feet clean but not something that I use every day. It’s not that my backpack is too heavy
No Really it’s Okay, I Just Want You to Eat My Pussy
or that I can’t keep it on my lap. It’s just the fact that I care more about my personal belongings than some random fucking stranger who most likely licks his cat’s asshole when he goes home every other weekend. And let me ask you this: do you carry around thirty pounds of books every day? No. You fucking don’t. Your backpack does. So why the fuck can’t my backpack have a bus seat after a hard day’s work? Like fuck talk about racism. This is just the beginning isn’t it? First I can’t put my backpack on the seats, then they are going to want to ban all the fat fucks from the buses because they take up too much room. And then they will want to stick the small skinny kids on the top racks because “Hey! They don’t take up too much space, just stick the bastards up there.” Then we won’t be able to roll around in the mud before getting on the bus because other people could get dirty. At this point you might as well start calling this place the fucking Soviet Republic of Rutgers. I mean Jesus fucking Christ. If you want to talk about proper bus etiquette, how about teach people that it is okay to look up from their phones and make eye contact with other people, and not look at them like they are infected with the FUCKING PLAGUE.
BY AMBER EDWARDS Oh man this is going to be a long Valentine’s Day. He has been hinting at it for about two weeks now and I have an idea what he is going to do first. It’s gonna be the giant teddy bear and flowers bullshit. He has been to my room, where does he expect me to keep a fucking giant bear! And he is going to expect to see it when he comes over, or expect me to say I cuddle with it every night. Ugh! I don’t know if I can lie that well, and I’m allergic to flowers so there’s that too. How about this for an idea: we just go to your place and you fuck the shit out of me? Hmmm, how about that? All of the other men have that in mind; why can’t you? Do I really want to go out to dinner and listen to you bullshit and try to sound interesting? No! You know what I would really like, if you would shut the fuck up and eat my pussy. Like come on, you’re just really hot and have a good sized dick, I couldn’t care less about what you have to say. Fuck. This night is going to last forever. We could be having an amazing fuck session, but nope. It looks like I have to spend a couple hours getting dressed up and looking nice. Yeah I just love having to do that. Really please this is all I’m asking for, take me back to your place, eat me out, and then I guess I’ll suck your dick and then cum on that giant fucking teddy bear so I don’t have to keep it.
Wednesday, February 12th, 2014
FEATURES
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“Happy February bitches”
WEATHER CHANNEL
Hen Hen the Weatherman BY THE HEN HEN MAN OUR WEATHRY PAL
THE LOVE GURU
Valentines Day Gift Guide! BY SUPA KRUPA TRUPA YES SHE’S STILL ALIVE!
Are you looking for the perfect present for the apple of your eye? Here are some gifts that will keep your Valentine coming back for more! ;) 1. Chocolate Bon Bons- Dip ping pong balls in chocolate and serve. Easy as that. These will taste close to the real thing and your Valentine will beg you for more... chocolate balls. 2. Cream Frosted Cake- Blow up a balloon, place it in a pan and frost it with cool whip. Your Valentine will have a blast when they cut into the cake!
Types of Men at Rutgers BY THE BUS KID OUR CASANOVA
College Ave: Drunk Weekends. High Weekdays. Lifting Mornings. Skipping Classes. This is the life of the College Avenue male. It’s pretty darn easy to get one too. Just walk into one of the frat houses during the weekend, and proceed to get drunk. And then drink some more for good measure. The faster you get drunk, the better they will appear, and if you show even the slightest bit of interest, rest assured that they’ll instantly be interested in you too. Just a bit of a precaution- I can’t guarantee that the feelings you have for the one you decide to go home with will be the same once you wake up next to him the morning after. Douglass: Don’t expect find your Romeo here ladies. If you see any attractive guy on this campus, the chances of him being interested in you are slim. And it’s not your fault, so don’t despairyou’re simply lacking the correct set of genetalia. Cook: Are you listening to that new band? You know the one that just released an EP? Are you interested in quirky t-shirts that just look so fashionably “off”? If not, these aren’t the men for you. The men from Cook enjoy thinking they’re current and trendy, yet somehow still manage to look like they are stuck in the 80s. Don’t believe me? Next time you’re on Cook, look around. You’ll easily be able to pick out the natives by their beanies and superthin striped hoodies. But if you aren’t looking as trendy as they think they look, they probably aren’t interested in you either. Busch: It’s the time of the season for loving, but you won’t find any lovin’ on this campus. The men here are too busy hiding away in their caves studying for their next exam. And if you just so happen to stumble upon one of these creatures on this barren campus, be prepared for the worst. Many have been in the same spot for so many days that they’ve forgotten to shave, and though some of you fine ladies might be interested in some manly facial hair, this is not the type of manliness you seek. Their faces are decorated with little more than sparse patches that’ll lave you wondering if you’ve found another set of crop circles. Livingston: Now this is the campus you go to to find your future husband. And let me make myself clear here- I am not talking about the Freshmen. Let’s face it, in order to live in the apartments you need to be making mad bank, so any guy you find here is bound to be loaded. That’s just good husband material from the start. Now, the next reason why these guys will make great companions is that most of them are graduating this semester. Which means you won’t even have to deal with them after May. That’s just a few months of dealing with petty bullshit like “there isn’t enough sugar in my cappuccino mocha double caramel swirl latte” or “why the fuck isn’t the dining hall a part of the apartments?!?” and “This is bullshit. I have to walk to the Plaza to take the bus to the Student Center and then walk more to get to the dining hall.” Seriously ladies, you can’t go wrong here.
3. Edible Panties- Everyone loves these but they are even better when they are jalapeño flavored. Talk about spicing up your cuddles ;) 4. Expired Chocolate- This is the best way to get rid of your younger brother’s rejected left-over Halloween candy...who cares if it’s a little moldy, it adds flavor and character. 5. Eco-friendly Chocolate Truffles- You can make these in your own home. Even in your own bathroom! They are organic and have that perfect delectable fudgey consistency. Who needs Thomas Sweets? 6. Picture Collage- These are great sentimental gifts. They are even better if you can re-gift them! Make sure you give your Valentine a collage of you and your ex during the good old times. It’s always a conversation starter! 7. Flowers- These are super duper popular on v-day. The best ones to get are the dead ones or plastic ones. You can also attach a note that says “These flowers describe your personality and how interesting you are!” This will totally get you laid. 8. Teddy Bears- EVERYONE loves these fluffy little monsters! You can give your Valentine a real grizzly bear that will maul- I mean hug- them. This can be a combination gift in honor of the Russian Anti-Gay Olympics!
WANT TO BE FAMOUS?? Submit shit. themedium.features@gmail.com it works- I promise. SPOTTED
Spotted on Douglass
Spotted on Busch
PERSONALS
the Medium CHICKS NOT DICKS
“Sadly, there are no black people on staff.”
FOOT FETISH
BUTTHURTIN
To the guy in the Red and Blue ski jacket studying for corporate finance in Alex Library on 12/10. WTF did you kill and rub on your feet, it was far worse than anything that I have smelt in my entire life. And to have your shoe off and rubbing your foot (That’s how they trap and on the floor is absloutly devour their meat, duh) disgusting. PSA..don’t sit on the first floor of Alex These Asian chicks are near the “microfiche coljust so fucking cute I lections”, you may end up could eat them up, if you with a fungal infection. know what I mean. PLEASE clean your fuck(Cannibalism is always the ing feet bro, no one should answer. Asians love that be smelling that shit!!! shit) To the girl with those weird devil tail piercings on her lips. How in the living fuck do you expect to hook up with, ironically, motherfucking hooks in your mouth!? That shits scarier than that Teeth movie.
Gotta watch at for the short chicks at the college hall bus stop. They will punch you for a spot on a F (Unfortunatly for them, that’s exactly what I’m into) I’ve always wanted to have a foursome. Two guys, two girls. The girls start hooking up. Then the guys leave. Then the two girls proceed to have sex without the guys. Best foursome ever. I hate those obviously lesbian chicks. You know, the ones with the sidecuts on both sides of the head? And then she has like TEN THOUSAND rainbow pins on her bag? Like bitch I get it you love pussy. (I’m one of those girls! Just kidding. No one can tell I’m a lesbian)
Wednesday, Feburary 12th, 2014
Dear New Personals Editor, Who are you to stand where he stood? Did you even go to medical school? Whose salad did you have to toss to finagle into your new job? Many other qualified candidates were in the running and for all I know, you pretended you were the Native American child of the company’s president. Fuck affirmative action and nepotism. Because of people like you, I’ll be unemployed, writing personals long after I’m forced from squatting behind the freshman dorms. YOU AIN’T NEVER GONNA GET PROFFESSIN ME! I look forward to seeProfessors are already laying how you do. ing on with the homework. I think they need to get laid. (Well I’m no Doctor, but Some babe has to go suck I’ll be happy to lobototheir cocks all at once be- mize) fore they continue to take it Where’s that Hipster J out on us. fucker? You cut out his (OR they can all suck tongue and stick it into his each other’s cocks. To anus so much that he got economize) phantom tongue tastings Does my macro professor and puked? know he is supposed to confirm if an answer is correct when he asks a question? Goddamn I feel bad for him. Fuck those oldman professors fuck walking around and rambling when I’m trying to LEARN why the fuck do I even come to fucking classes why don’t they all just die. (President Barchi, is that you?)
YAOI OF THE WEEK: JOHNLOCK
(He is still alive and well in my basement)
CHIMPING OUT Back on Saturday, February 1, I was eating in Livingston Dining Commons. A few tables away were a pair of black girls, talking about some boy problems. Then it happened: one of these sisters casually called the other one "Nigga". The exchange that followed was just what I like to see during this month. "What did you just call me?!" Quietly the self-loathing girl responded, "I only called you a nigga!" The stern reproach-ment that ensued was a memory that I will cherish always and it truly instilled in me the meaning of this month-long honorary holiday. (Just as Dr. King would have wanted)
Think you can one up that? Submit suggestions!
THE DOCTOR IS OUT Sup bitches, we got a new personals editor this semester. Dr. Tossed Salad, M.D., had to be hospitalized from having his asshole licked one time too many. But don’t take your panties off the ground just yet, ‘cause Anime Hair is here to make all you guys and gals happier than ever before. If you’re a hot lady with questionable sexual morals, or a guy after the same thing, or even someone of neither gender who likes to bitch, submit to: themedium.personals@gmail.com
MISSED CONNECTIONS (In honor of Valentine’s Day) W4M, College Ave. I was the freshman at the Zeta party, you were a Brother from Zeta. I can’t believe what we did last night!! I’ve never done that before and you were pretty good but you seemed to have left accidently before we could exchange numbers. Please fill me in on the details because I don’t exactly remember much!!!! What was in that drink????? M4W, Busch You at front row of physics class. Blonde hair. You very pretty would like to meet? I will even shower. Sorry English is no good. M4W, Livingston You convinced me to let you in to I, Frankenstein even though you had no money to pay. I don’t know why you would promise to blow someone for such a shitty movie, but anyway, you owe me. W4W, Douglass We locked eyes at the Women’s Rights protest last Sunday. You were wearing the “Don’t Talk to Me If You’re a Man” t-shirt, I was the one with the side cut and glasses. I would love to meet up to discuss the implications of women of color speaking out for themselves more than ever. And then later, we can eat each other’s pussies. M4W,Cook Girl I heard you talking about being REALLY excited about the ‘Chocolate Fantasy’ night coming up. Allow me to make it a reality for you. W4M, Livingston We met at the Student Palestinian Support Group. PLEASE stop blowing up my phone!!! M4M, Chabad House You know what we did together in the synogogue. Let’s do it again.
PAGE A7
Wednesday, February 12th, 2014
“I blame the orange shirt.”
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***THIS IS A REAL ADVERTISEMENT***
YOU IS A YANKEE
...continued from back
potato we just signed could be a stud. One thing's for sure: he or she will be more of a positive contributor than A-Rod.” At press release time, you were very humble, thanking your “parents, the Steinbreners, and the entire Yankee organization for giving me this wonderful opportunity.” Reports have also surfaced that you are now dating Jessica Simpson and using PED’s to power you through your new workout regiment of 20 pushups and a quarter mile walk to Chipotle each day.
CLASSEFIEDS Fabulous gay man looking for fabulous gay man to be friends with and occasionally have fabulous gay sex with. Please call 732-9991234 for details. Foot model wanted for....reasons. Please email your foot shots to ftsh@scarletmail.rutgers. edu. Foot shots only.
...ASSHOLE
...continued from Page 2
would jaywalk in front of the EE. He was probably crossing the street, flipped off a driver, and was beaten over the head with a tire iron.” The infamous nutsack left behind a green 1987 Chevrolet Monte Carlo with the license plate “MYR1DE” and a PlayStation 4, both willed to his 16 year old brother Marcus, who is reportedly “less of a dickhead.” He will be remembered for his mediocre grades, shitty taste in beer, and—of course—his total douchetard existence. The funeral for the goddamned shit-twister will be held at Holy Name Catholic Church later this week.
Wednesday, February 12th, 2014
@MediumSports
QUEER AS FOLK
MICHAEL SAM COMES OUT AS 700TH HOMOSEXUAL NFL PLAYER
BY JUST THE TIP SPORTS EDITOR
OLUMBIA, MS- All-AmeriC can defensive lineman Michael Sam’s public coming out has been the talk of the NFL world over the past week, as he will become the 700th gay player in the league. Sam, named the top defensive player in the SEC last season at the University of Missouri, follows in a long line of successful gay football players. He timed his public decision to coincide with the monumental number after Mark Sanchez was outted as homosexual, as well as a horrible quarterback, at the beginning of last season. While a handful of NFL executives have voiced opposition to Sam’s declaration, many are supporting the future rookie. “It is truly monumental what he is doing,” said Patriots
He is no longer trapped in the closet
owner Bob Kraft. “To have his beautiful chestnut skin, revered biceps and soulful brown eyes on the same roster as Tom Brady’s chiseled chin and Uggtoned calves is every owner’s dream.” Fellow owner Jerry Jones reminisced of his Cowboys dynasty of the early-1990s when
YANKEES SIGN YOU TO A HUGE NEW CONTRACT
After the Jacoby Ellsbury and expensive young Japanese Guy signings, most people assumed the Yankees would take a break. This off-season, they have stolen a relatively young and very talented player from their hated rivals and snatched one of the most sought-after prospects in the world. But the Yankees have never been content to make just a few big signings. The Bronx was abuzz today following reports that the Yankees have signed YOU to a brand new 6-year, 72 million dollar contract. “We couldn't be more excited about our brand new prospect,” said Yankees GM Brian
guys, instead of whichever blonde chick he’s with now.” Sam stated that his personal heroes growing up were Terrell Owens and Jeremy Shockey, even though both gay icons played on the other side of the ball. “As a developing boy just coming into my own, T.O.’s abs were a real inspiration. You can tell that queen cared about his body,” said Sam. “Shockey’s frosted mane was the only reason I watched Giants games. Well, that and his rock solid behind.” In other NFL news, Jonathan Vilma came out as the NFL’s first openly stupid player.
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BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
he heard the news. “Do you think Troy [Aikman], Emmett [Smith] and Mike Irvin would have won three championships if they weren’t sleeping together? Hell, we had that Greek warrior mentality,” Jones said. “Romo needs to spend a weekend with some of the
Cashman. “At a bargain cost of only 12 million dollars a year, we had to take a chance on the potential talents of him/her.” When asked if there was any concern that you haven't played baseball since the third grade or worked out regularly since high school, Joe Girardi wanted to focus on the potential for positives. “Well, ya never know if your prospects are going to be complete busts in this league. But who knows; that couch Continued on Page A7
KEYS TO THE MATCHUP:
6:00 PM, SUNDAY FEBRUARY 6TH BY THE HEN HEN MAN COPY EDITOR
-Finish the game fast before leading scorer Russ Smith abandons the school for NBA -Sophomore forward Montrezl Harrell is known for his crazy plays and erratic behavior, make sure to put a dog leash on him to refrain him from going berserk -Super reserve Rick Pitino has been on the bench for more than four decades; it wouldn’t hurt the Cardinals to let him see some minutes on the floor
THE WORLDWIDE LEADER IN SHARTS
- Listen to Allen Iverson’s “practice” rant before the game. It’s quite inspiring and motivating, particularly the part when he cracks his voice -The Scarlet Knights know how to penetrate hard and finish strong, use that to full advantage to demonstrate who are the better alpha males in this extremely tight game -The Scarlet Knights have to continue their strong tradition of sucking at basketball by playing hard but losing the game in the end