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February 17th 2016
Volume LI Issue IV 50¢ SUBSIDIZED SUNSET YEARS
SANDERS SNAGS COVETED OLD WHITE REPUBLICAN VOTE BY SAWYER GNUS EDITOR
BOCA RATON, FL—At the Democrats' Town Hall late Monday night, Senator Bernie Sanders introduced a new campaign promise: government-subsidized retirement condominiums in sunny Florida. He claims that in addition to free tuition for public colleges and free healthcare, he can provide free beachside shuffleboard court access. "Ninety-nine percent," announced Sanders, "of eightyeight-year-olds move to climates that average seventy-seven degrees Fahrenheit...three-hundred-sixty-five days a year. We can't treat our retirees the way we treat our veterans by allowing them to starve out in the colder climates. We'll tax Wall Street and have the defunct Meals on Wheels take care of moving them." Critics point out that Sanders is just targeting another
"TRUMP'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN BUILD" Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders and his wife, Jane, standing outside the model home for Sanders Condos, an all-includive retirement and hospice home.
large voter group to improve his chances against Hillary. Marcia Brody, a spokesperson for the Sanders campaign, explained, "He's huge with millennials but needs more support. Despite his record in civil rights advocacy,
he still doesn't have the black vote. It's time we steal some supporters from Trump and the gang, specifically, the ones with dementia." This promise actually pro Continued on Page 2
QUICKIES
Valentine's Day Lubes Up Dicks and Economy Engineers try to Reclaim Murray Hall Man with Slutty Interviewer "Handed" Job Local Women Satisfied with 2 Inches on Sunday and Monday Israeli Rocket Targets Moon and not Gaza
FOSTER'S HOME FOR IMAGINARY FRIENEMIES
Schizophrenic Man Ignored By His Own Hallucinations and Delusions
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS RUM SHOPPING
MIDDLETOWN, NJ—To his own dismay, local schizophrenic man Logan Hepburn has reportedly been ignored and excluded from the activities of his delusions, who once haunted him on a regular basis. Hepburn, whose social ineptitude drove him to madness, once held solace in the fact that the voices in his head kept him company. “I mean, you have to accept your friends with their flaws, right?” pondered Hepburn. “But now, my delusions no longer tell me about how I’m the Great Envoy of the Cheese Kingdom and their righteous quest to water bottles. Now, I hear them in the other room, talking about how
the confines of our minds, “Man, that guy is such a fucking boner! He used to be fun to torment when we first met him. But after a while, it felt like we were just with him because he would let us use his Netflix account.” While literally any patient of this disorder would be grateful to be relieved of their ailment, Hepburn lamented his feelings of exclusion when his hallucinations seemingly abandoned him. “We made plans for the weekend for them to whisper hateful, murderous thoughts in my head while I try to sleep, but I ended up waiting all night the government is planting feel like they want to include me and they never came.” Hepburn computer chips in somebody in anything anymore.” then smashed his coffee mug on else’s head.” He then entered We spoke with some of the floor and shouted, “I can’t a brief state of catatonia before Hepburn’s hallucinations, believed they would flake on returning to say, “I just don’t whom angrily shouted within me!”
BUT NEEDS P.C.P Since 1970
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NEWS
Wednesday, February 17th 2016
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“He's used to having fruits in his buttcrack.”
PROOF JEWS DON'T CONTROL THE MEDIA
BED AND BJ?
Third Reich-Inspired Attire Invades NY Fashion Week BY PAULIE VALENTINE MAXXINISTO
NEW YORK, NY—Starting with an oversized viridian artillery summer tunic paired with charcoal jackboots at the BCBGMAXAZRIA show on the Thursday, the fashion revival of the notorious Axis power of Nazi Germany arose to full force. The fashion lines of Demoo Parkchoonmoo, Tadashi Shoji, and Nichole Miller on Friday, Rebecca Minkoff, Taoray Wang on Saturday, and most designers on Sunday through Tuesday (including icon Tommy Hilfiger and a very enthusiastic Vera Wang) all showed midTwentieth Century German influences ranging from the SS to the Einsatzgruppen. “I’m fucking shocked,” said a speechless Diane von Fürstenberg. “It’s definitely something.” Super-designer Vera Wang’s Bahnschutzpolizei-inspired
wedding dress, fitted with a brocade belt and eagle belt buckle, was a standout in her already vivacious collection. According to sources inside Vogue, Anna Wintour hailed that dress the item of the season, even with two days left of shows. “This trend is spreading like gas,” said designer Mary-Kate Olsen, “I’m dead about it.” With eleven shows left, most buzz is around Michael Kors, whose show Wednesday morning promises a lot of bold militaristic attire. He was seen wearing a NSDAP Ortsgruppe visor hat during the Leanne Marshall show, to which Rachel Zoe remarked, "It was terrifying.” “It’s all about being Anti,” said designer Marc Jacobs, remarking on this growing trend. The expression of prejudice in a more overt way is a direct result of post-Obama “cool racism,” adopted by many celebrities, and leads right to fascism.
Student Turns Dorm into Bed and Breakfast BY PROLAPSED EINUS HEMORRHOID LOVER
P I S C ATAWAY — S t u d e n t s across the country often resort to getting jobs to offset the ever-increasing costs of college. However, Steven Witherspoon of Busch Campus has brought that to a whole new level by advertising his dorm on Airbnb. Witherspoon, a resident of BEST dorms, started to advertise his dorm as a bedn-breakfast this weekend in order to make a money to help pay for college. He hosted four different groups visiting the Rutgers-New Brunswick area over the past month. The travelers were each charged $90 a night. Unfortunately for Witherspoon, Resident Life and the Administration caught wind of the advertisement, and have now threatened to expel Witherspoon if he does not remove his ad. “What Steven has done is unacceptable. Dormitories are supposed to be safe havens,” said Karima Woodyard, Head of Busch ResLife. “By allowing
strangers into the building, Mr. Witherspoon put the other residents in danger. He will absolutely be facing discipline by the school.” Witherspoon has refused to back down. “Rutgers is trying to strong-arm me into removing my business. However, I believe I deserve a commendation. All over American universities today, you find students getting jobs in the campus centers. I came up with my own business. I have the entrepreneurial spirit that is missing from today’s millennial culture. I will not remove my advertisement. They can attempt to kick me out, but all that will do is weaken the Rutgers community of enterprising individuals.” Witherspoon’s disciplinary hearing is scheduled for Friday, February 12th at 3pm in the College Ave Student Center Multi-Purpose Room. He would like to encourage students to show up in support of his cause. The administration has promised to cancel the meeting if Witherspoon removes his advertisement.
Share us with your Grandma because you know she's totally into it enough to not be swayed by his ...continued from front promises of a free condo and being able to use coupons on top vided the geriatric Demo- of early bird discounts. Besides, crat underdog an unexpected I already live in Florida. My conboost in Republican support. stituents won't be affected by Many congressmen across the this proposal. More importantly, country are aged similar to I'm not a direct beneficiary of Sanders and they see this as an it, so I'm not voting for Bernie. opportunity to live their final I'd suspend my own campaign years more comfortably. And first!" although John McCain and his At press time, Rubio was geriatric comrades now sup- peering into the mirror, ponderport Sanders, fresher faces in the ing his extreme thirst, heavy earGOP such as Marco Rubio don't lobes, and love for applesauce. fall so easily for the Vermont Chances are he'll be throwing senator's pandering. "I'm young in the towel soon and endorsing FLORIDA KEYS TO SUCCESS
" THIRD REICH CHIC" Though many designers borrowed heavily from Nazi themes, dedicated models starved themselves to reflect the horrors of the camps and also look too fabu!
Editorial Staff Spring 2016
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Adam Romatowski Fratypus
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor James Mullen III Features Editor Aly Grindall
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Andrew Blustein Connor McCarthy Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Weeknd's Hair
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Gerlanda's Shitty Pizzas. Their margherita is almost passable for the cardboard box it comes in.
Wednesday, February 17th, 2016
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“THE LIFE OF PABLO SANDOVAL” BY GOLDIELOCKS
“THE ORIGINAL DEADPOOL” BY GOLDIELOCKS
I HAVE A FOOT FETISH
REVIEW: MEASURE YOUR FEET DAY BY TRAITORIOUS GUMBALL
JOIN THE MEDIUM! IT’S FUN, I SWEAR. FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER “HOLY SHIT” BY POOP FRANCIS THE FIRST
The greatest holiday that American Culture offers has recently came and went. Not Valentine’s Day, that only benefits Hallmark and single guys that take the opportunity to seduce lonely, insecure girls in run down bars. No, the best holiday we have to offer is Measure Your Feet Day! Having the correct foot measurements are essential to choosing the right shoe, and having the right shoe is essential to having good health. Ergo, this holiday is directly responsible to the health of our society. Without it, nobody would have a specific time to measure their feet, and as a result, they would procrastinate until their feet are all damaged and bloody. We’ve all pulled all nighters to do projects we could’ve done three weeks ago, why would we treat our feet any different? And not only that, many people do not use rulers in their day to day lives. They might not even own one. Measure your feet day is an opportunity that convenience stores can use to push ruler sales, the way grocery schools use Halloween to sell candy. This could help fix our broken economy. And it’s all thanks to your feet. And for the guys, it’s a perfect opportunity to brag to the girls you know about your feet size. It’s no secret that the size of your feet and your cock are directly linked. And girls can use it as an excuse to ask guys how big their feet are without being creepy. The only real problem with the holiday is that there isn’t a measure your hand day to compliment it. YOU KNOW WHAT’S FUN? SNORTING COCAINE. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS FUN? THE MEDIUM. SO COME JOIN IT, WE MEET MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM ROOM 439 OF THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER. ALSO, SEND IN FEATURES, AND ARTS. REALLY, SEND IN ARTS, AND FEATURES TOO. ALSO FOLLOW US ON SNAPCHAT THEMEDIUMRU
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MEET THE MEDIUM “Your Gay.”
Wednesday, February 17th 2016
Twitter & Instagram: @TheMediumRU
’S Michael Vincent Editor-In-Chief “Thou shall lay with man and all shall be ‘eh’” Genesis 19:4-5 Adam Romatoswki Business Manager “And then God made Billy Bob Thorton; it was good.” Floyd 7:2 James Mullen III Page A7 Editor “I said Georgia... Georgia.” Ray 3:4 Andrew Blustein Sports Editor “This is Blasphemy” Shit 1:28
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Sifat Mahbub Personals Editor
“Guys, I think we should live on Cook.” Douglas 13:4
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MEET THE MEDIUM “Sound & Color IS the Album of the Year.”
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LAS SUPPER
Goldstein Editor
mmate is about to ay me.” as 13:3
Yagnesh Patel Managing Editor “Wu-Tang is for the children.” ODB 2:98 Conor McCarthy Copy Editor “My favorite gender neutral pronoun is ‘it,’ because it dehumanizes them.“ Bob 1:2 Lee Matalon Opinions Editor “In the beginning was the word, and the word was ‘Oy gevalt, my back’” Hatchet 10:3 Michael Lazaropoulos News Editor “I wanna fuck my cousin.” SAO S2:E22 Jonathan Holzsager News Editor “I don‘t really know what my Parsha was about.“ Exodus 1:1
Aly Grindall Features Editor “And thou casted the Hatchet upon thy face, thee who threw was a dick.” Hatchet 14:5
PERSONALS
the Medium Bad People
Georgian Eunuchs
Why do men wear rimless glasses? Do they know it makes them look like a serial killer?
Who do you think is worse at reading, and engineer or Floyd Mayweather?
Subway is raising their prices lol.
(No, they think it makes them look like a way less attractive Clark Kent.)
(Both can afford to have someone read for them, but at least most engineers don’t women as much.) I love cats. All they do is sit around, eat, and defecate.
(Soda is bad for you. But if you really want something that will rot your teeth and is more available on campus, try crystal meth.) Fuck old people. (No, they’re too wrinkly and I’m too afraid that they might die right in the middle of it.)
Will someone please take my dog? (No one wants your old, decrepit dog. Except maybe the pound.)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“No.”
Dilapidated
Why are we a Pepsi school when Rutgers colors are RED like Coca Cola?
Wednesday, February 10h, 2016
(So is Barchi a cat then? Should I get him a fancy litter box as a retirement present?) I know a girl who was obsessed with Bill Cosby before the rape accusations and continued to defend him after but her boyfriend is an ex con so I guess it makes sense. (When Cosby is in prison, this girl will be the one bringing him a lasgna with a nail filer in it.)
SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS
...Rutgers to Serve Harder Alcohol During Blowouts
continued from Sports
shot of fireball to each drink order,” said Hobbs. “If the deficit gets worse than 28 points we’re just gonna start emptying the liquor cabinet and frantically passing bottles to everyone in the stands,” said President Barchi. “Frankly, Rutgers fans deserve this. To be honest, they kind of need this, actually.” While Rutgers Athletics has made it clear they only plan to sell alcohol at football games, Hobbs called the state of Rutgers Men’s Basketball “too fucking depressing” for alcohol sales during games to be appropriate. “Can you imagine?” asked Hobbs. “We’d be hauling corpses out of the RAC every night if we instituted this plan for basketball games. “Although, now that I think about it, it could be a pretty solid way to boost our lackluster attendance,” he said aloud to nobody in particular.
Join us at our pitch meetings. Wednesday @ 8pm College Ave Student Center Room 439
QOTD
(Probably an attempt to fund Jared Fogle’s court appeal.) I wish my brother would grow a pair and start defending himself more. (Is he a eunuch? Because that would explain some things.)
“I want to be murdered in the heat of passion so I know what love feels like.”
Hey my name is James, I’m from Georgia and I just want to tell you all how great it is there. Peaches, humid air, Southern racism. It’s great! (Go the fuck back to Georgia, James.)
(Don’t) Fuck Trump If I go on a date with a Trump supporter, does that count as charity? (Charity would be working with UNICEF or going on a date with a Ben Carson supporter.) What’s Trump’s favorite color? (I hear he’s mainly fond of dark colors. Especially blacks and browns.)
Onesies
Heteropatriarchy
I love the Rutgers Gardens.
I should be doing homework but instead I’m watching Jimmy Kimmel videos in an attempt to learn how to be funny.
(Me too, it’s the perfect place to shoot pornos and murder Freshmen.) What’s the difference Star Trek and Star Wars? (The second word.) Why are most black people from Africa? (We gotta keep em somewhere you know?)
This was the best ValenI hate when I’m making tine’s Day ever! plans with my friends and they make me make (I’m delighted to hear that all the decisions. Some- you and your hand had a wonderful time together.) times I like having my decisions made me for. I want to start wearing a onesie but I want some(I hope Republicans don’t one to wear one with me. hear you saying this.) (Be independent. It’s called If I had a dime for every a ONEsie for a reason. Stop time Hillary brought up being needy and pathetic.) Obama during the last Why do guys have such debate, I’d have enough an aversion to short hair money to get Trump as- on girls? sassinated. (Because it challenges their (Leave that to ISIS and save heteropatriarchal ideals and they also feel threatened by your money.) the fact that girls look better with short hair than they Pussy Ninja do.) My sister stopped letting me borrow her car I think my boyfriend is because she found out I planning to propose! I regularly have sex with saw him looking at jewmy boyfriend in the elry websites the other day and he’s also been backseat. acting a little strange and Who says you have to bor- nervous! :) row the car in order to have sex in it? Be a ninja, not a (Or he’s just cheating on you.) fucking amateur.)
(By the time you’re done you’ll be less funny than you were when you started.) Porn is so unrealistic. I would never have sex at the gym. It would get in the way of me getting my gains. (Gee, I would hate for something like sex to get in the way of you staring at yourself in the mirror and aggressively grunting.) Do guys get intimidated when girls ask them out? (Remember what I said earlier about heteropatriarchy? Yeah.)
Motherfuckin dammit all I wanted was one fucking snow day to delay my fucking exam. that piece of shit sky shat out some snow then fucking rained shit shit shit
(Don’t blame Mother Nature for you being a lazy fuck. IT IS NOT ALWAYS THE WOMAN’S FAULT.) My roommate walked to his house. Walked over an hour in below 20 degrees weather. What in the world? (It was probably to get away from you.)
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, February 17th 2016
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“You ever notice how brown people always try to act black?”
ALPHA BETA GAMMA DELTA-EPSILON PROOF
I Was Hazed By the Math Frat BY ANONYMOUS
I first got involved with Alpha Delta Delta during rush week. I had just walked out of a stressful prerequisite quiz when a fellow classmate invited me to, what he called, “an organization for math students to support one another.” I attended two rush events and was later given a bid -- in the form of a numerical riddle. I thought it was comical and went to the address on the bid card. When I showed up, I was told I’d accepted my bid, so I went with it, signed a few papers, and was escorted to the attic, where I met the rest of my pledge class. It started with factoring trinomials. We were each handed a problem set while the radio blared in the background. An odd thing to do, but I went with it. This continued for about a week, when suddenly the problem sets changed to trigonometric identities. A little unexpected, but not as unexpected as the new playlist: the complete Tiny Tim discography. That’s when one of the pledges up and left. We were told he was weak, and we were strong; but not yet strong enough to be initiated. As a show of strength, we were now instructed to solve trigonometric integrals by parts. The music got more and more repetitive, and the math got harder. “Vector cross products, NOW!” the brothers shouted as “Uptown Funk” blared in the background, on repeat. I sat there, crying on the inside, trying to remember how to solve fourth-order difference equations. The pledgemaster took my calculator, removed the batteries and threw them down the stairs. I sat there, dejected, and looked at my blank paper; then at the disappointed faces of my pledge brothers. One of them suggested using Z-Transforms. The president instantly dropped him “as an example.” The next week, it must have been five or six weeks, we were ordered as a punishment to memorize the Z-Transform, it’s properties, and a table of common pair. We were given an hour. The Pledgemaster handed us a problem set. He told us we were so close, and that we could taste initiation. My spirit was near it’s breaking point. I looked at the paper: “Compute the Continuous Time Fourier Transform of the following signals.” Fourier Transform. With a blank face, I stormed out of the attic and never turned back.
HAVE A HAZING INCIDENT TO REPORT? Snitches get stitches. I’ll fuck you up bro.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Fire Tastes Great
BY JOE SHIMAROVA Fire is involved in the creation of so many varieties of food. Have you ever tried to eat spaghetti without cooking it? It tastes like shit. Worse than shit, even. If fire is involved, your meal will taste warm and it will be satisfying. If you believe that electricity tastes better than fire, for whatever inexplicable reason, just try to lick an electrical outlet. The taste is roughly equivalent to the Brower bagels that are placed inconspicuously by the coffee machines. And that’s if you don’t die of electrocution. If you put fire in your mouth, you won’t perish. Probably not, anyway. Instead, you’ll merely burn your tastebuds. Ergo, the question of which tastes better will become irrelevant to you. Fire tastes better, it’s a fact.
SIGH... *UNZIPS*
Memes Destroyed My Sex Life BY RICK WENSLEY
The one thing that kept me out of dwelling too far into internet culture is now gone. My sex life, all of it is corrupted beyond repair, lost from my grasps. And the only thing to blame are memes. Memes, those things on the internet that spread with the intensity of a plague in forms of videos, pictures with themedcaptions, and dim-witted jokes, are just a disease and I have been infected. From the very beginning, my sex life is completely ruined now. When I put on some “Getting It On” jams and in the offchance it’s not “Sandstorm” by Darude, I still automatically reply to my partner’s inquiry on what song it is with “Sandstorm.” Do you know how confused, and thus dry, she becomes when she can not understand why I would be that mentally challenged to say the wrong name of the song… each time! At that point, she probably thinks she’s hooking up with a retard and it would be unethical for her to not stop immediately. Or if somehow this girl is either deaf or just that vapid where dick is dick and we keep going on, I purposefully struggle with her bra just so I can make a dumbfuck joke about being Bad Luck Brian, with something cringey like “Finally about to have sex… Can’t manage to get bra off.” And it’s not like I want to do it, it’s just instinct at this point. And heck, let’s just say in the off chance that I manage to keep the girl interested, and we’re still going and whole shebang does end up happening and I finish. Well you know that I am going to end it off with assuming the form of Pepe, you know that green frog, and crumpling up next to her and muttering, “Feels good, man.” I can’t restrain myself, it just happens and I feel like a complete loser afterwards, but there is nothing I can do. My dick can not take this torture anymore and there needs to be some kind of legislation against these memes. How many more lives have to be ruined by memes before politicians in Washington begin to discuss this epidemic? Write to your representatives, this is something we can not let slip by us and corrode at the youth of this grand country.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Who Should Replace the Late Justice Scalia? “Bill Cosby”
Bill Cosby Zip Zop Zoobity Bop! Now you’re conscious, now you’re not!
Electricity Tastes Better
*Heavy breathing* *Moaning*
BY ASHLYN CERULLO
Electricity is used in the creation of so many more food varieties, it’s ridiculous. Like, how about the fact that refrigerators require electricity to function, as do freezers, huh? Ice cream, beer, soda, cheese, and a countless variety of other foods require either refrigeration or freezing to taste decent. And all the food that you would traditionally make with fire, can be made with electric stoves and ranges. There is literally nothing you can make with fire that you cannot make with electricity. Fire is obsolete and reminiscent of cavemen and Neanderthals. And if you decide to eat electricity plain, it is survivable in small quantities. It feels weird, but not necessarily bad, and the pain can easily be used to wake you up in the morning in absence of coffee. Electricity is more helpful in the kitchen than fire.
Sen. Mitch McConnell Senate Majority Leader
“DJ KHALED
!”
Hillary Clinton The Hippest Candidate!
february 17th 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com HE'S TOO GOOD FOR HIS OWN GOOD, AND JORDAN IS TOO BAD TO REALIZE
COREY SANDERS SUSPENDED 2 WEEKS FOR VIOLATING TEAM RULES, PLAYING TOO WELL BY STEPHEN A. SMIFF JAI ALAI ALL-PRO
P I S C A T A W AY — R u t g e r s announced on Monday the twoweek suspension of freshman point guard Corey Sanders for violating team rules. "Although I am dissapointed to announce this suspension, I believe that it will serve as a valuable learning experience for Corey," said Rutgers Men's Basketball head coach Eddie Jordan in a press release. "He needs to learn how to fit in to the culture of this university." Rutgers sports a record of 6-19, is in the midst of a 12-game losing streak and is 0-12 in the "HE NEEDS A TIMEOUT" Corey Sanders is on a tear, and Eddie Jordan is not liking it. The Big Ten. coach hopes his suspension will plummet the team further into despair. "Corey is trying to set his own standard of excellence for Sanders reportedly still gets mad bitches while in the corner. this team, counter to what I am Sanders is leading the team solid overrall performance preaching in the locker room and in points per game, assists per is hindering the University's during practice," said Jordan. game and steals per game. chances of tanking and "We cannot have him alienate Jordan continued on in "obtaining a high draft pick". the rest of the team." the release, saying Sanders' Jordan's last head coaching job
was for the Philadelphia 76ers from 2009-2010. When asked if he realized this was college, and tanking is pointless, Jordan declined to comment and pulled a gun on the reporter. Sanders, averaging 16.2 points per game, was ranked number 62 in the ESPN Top 100 Player Rankings. "Coming from Florida, I figured I'd be playing with a bunch of talented Jersey ballers," said Sanders. "I didn't realize Rutgers couldn't keep anyone in state. Now I see why." Sanders added that to fit in he will start "beating on bitches" and "smoke a shit ton of that good stuff". Rumors from Sanders' camp point to the guard transferring to Penn State if these issues are not resolved.
Rutgers to serve harder alcohol during blowouts
BY THE NUMBERS
BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON ROGAINE ENTHUSIAST
135 Bob Barchi's average bowling score
Numbers of calls intramural refs miss
9
441
Years since Don Imus called Rutgers Women's Basketball
Amount of trains Rutgers Football runs weekly
P I S C ATAWAY — R U S A passed a bill on January 28 that should wetten High Point Solution Stadium not only with the tears of downtrodden fans, but also with the flow of sweet, sweet alcohol. The student assembly believes the revenue will somewhat offset what is currently the nation’s worst athletics budget deficit, which was last reported at $36 million. RUSA has been working closely with President Robert Barchi and the Rutgers Athletics Department to set the plan in motion. The Athletic Department was so thrilled with the idea, they decided to augment it. The type of alcohol served will change based on the deficit Rutgers faces at each contest.
“One of my first goals coming into this job was to boost the fan experience,” said new athletic director Pat Hobbs. “Let’s be honest, being an RU fan is depressing as fuck,” he added. “That’s why we are going to upgrade the alcohol content of the drinks we serve as the deficits we face on the field become worse and worse.” The plan is not finalized, but a preliminary blueprint calls for beer at the start of the game, mixed drinks after falling behing by seven, straight shots of vodka or whiskey after a 14 point deficit, and shots of Everclear once down by 20 or more. “Every time Chris Laviano turns the ball over we'd add a complementary Continued on Personals
wearing larry bird short shorts SINCE 1970