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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 19th, 2020
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ BLOOMBERGIN ONION
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG PROMISES TO PUT A BIDET IN EVERY HOME RICHARD HERTZ CALL A DOCTAH
New York, NY- As the South Carolina and Nevada primaries draw nearer, presidential hopeful and robber baron Michael Bloomberg has made an astonishing campaign promise; on Sunday afternoon he announced, “I’m gonna cut to the chase my fellow Americans; if you vote for me in the primary, I will personally purchase you a bidet for your homes.” Never in the history of the United States has there been such a blatant display of purchasing votes. A reporter from Jacobin pushed the candidate on this issue of supposed corruption, Bloomberg responded, “I don’t care, I have 60 billion dollars.” Over the past few weeks, Bloomberg’s campaign has failed to pick up significant steam as
numerous controversies have resurfaced from over the years: his support for stop and frisk up until 2015, his 64 harassment and discrimiation cases against him, and his less-than-evidence-based takes on education are some of the most prominent. However, some of the
other candidates feel that this Hail Mary may prove to be effective. Front runner Bernie Sanders said this morning, “Fuck, that’s pretty good. I hope the American people have the common sense not to be swayed, but I gotta admit bidets are kinda rad as hell.” Online Continued on Page 2
DON'T MISS THE MORAL OF THE STORY
TRUMP FALLS ASLEEP DURING ‘POLTERGEIST’, CHOOSES TO BUILD WALL ON NATIVE LAND THROBBIN WILLIAMS APHRODISIAC MAKER
rizona- The White House A has announced plans to blow up Arizona’s Organ Pipe Cactus National Monument to build a border wall. Even more controversial is that this monument is also a Native American burial site. This decision is coming after the President fell asleep five minutes in to watching ‘Poltergeist’ with Melania. “We have decided to build this beautiful, magnificent and glorious wall right through Oregon Pie National Monument,” Trump said “Tremendous.” Groups representing the descendants of the native people buried at this site have come forth
to make their discrepancies. Tribal elders say the destruction of the holy ground is sacrilegious and disrespectful. “We can’t believe this is happening, but I guess we shouldn’t be surprised. And also, has this asshole never seen the poltergeist?
This is going to go poorly.” Construction has already begun at the site, where crews have started blowing into the hills with controlled blasts. The grave sites are estimated to be 10,000 years old, and fucking crawling with spirits Continued on Page 2
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"Hey Siri, call my divorce lawyer."
BLOOMBERG NEEDS EXTRA SMALL BIDET CUSTOM MADE...
...continued from front
Bernie supporters have since ramped up attacks on Bloomberg, now with the direct support of the candidate; “Get his ass”, Sanders said on Tuesday. Shortly after Bloomberg’s announcement, Pete Buttigieg announced his response to this new “policy” addition. Plastered all over social media, and while making the rounds in Nevada, Buttigieg unveils the latest addition to his platform: “Bidets for all who want them”. In his plan, the government will enter the Bidet market in order to compete with Big Bathroom. Another “feature” of his plan is that anyone that does not have their own bidet,
they will have to pay a regressive tax and be mandatorily put on the government’s poopy plan.
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Wednesday, Feb. 19th, 2020
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A GHOST THAT CAN TOUCH I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TOUCH ME... ...continued from front who don’t want to be disturbed. insiders say that this week Trump Construction crew members and Melania deviated from their have already reported encounters routine showing of ‘Veggietales: with the upset spirits. Accounts of Johah Silly Sing-Along Songs and machines mysteriously breaking More!” However the incumbent down, workers being reduced to a president fell asleep minutes into pile of maggots after looking in the the film and missed the message. mirror, and spooky noises have all been reported around the worksite. YOU ARE “It costs us an extra 30 billion to CORDIALLY INVITED secure this land,” Trump went on to say “But Melania and I wanted TO JOIN THE MEDIUM the wall to span this beautiful range. Just like America spans the CATERING PROVIDED (OUR ASS) magnificent range. Amazing. I love it.” Trump revealed this plan two LIVI STUDENT CENTER WED days after Melania and his weekly BOARD ROOM movie night by addressing a roaring 7:45 PM crowd of Nascar fans. White House
YEA, THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT
ABSENT ALARM DOORS ALARM... STUDENTS? CLEG ZDROIT A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES
Last Thursday, Rutgers Business School junior Gabin Hager found that all of the on-campus “Emergency Doors” don’t actually set off an alarm. On his way to Intro to Numbers at the Business School building after lunch, Hager claims to have absentmindedly walked right through the Livingston Dining Hall alarm doors without consequence. “At first I was shocked. I asked myself, ‘did I really just do that?’ And then I answered myself, ‘yes.’” Hager continues to narrate how this experience emboldened him to test every alarm door on every New Brunswick campus. “Yep, every single one of them. They’re all just like normal doors.” Many students are taking advantage of these now completely usable doors to cut corners and make it to no-do-
goodery activities even faster. Liberal Arts senior Braydan Dondes weighs in: “Had I known before that these alarm doors didn’t even work I would have used them all the time. Whether it’s leaving classes early or running out of the library when some simp goes for his backpack, I can now be a lot quicker.” On receiving notice of the news, President Robert L. Barchi has called upon students to go through the non-alarm doors as they always have. “Congratulations. You’ve broken the great facade. When I was told we could save millions to pay for our failing football program by selling our door alarms to ISIS fighters, I jumped on the idea. Just promise me you won’t use the emergency doors to let homeless people into the dining halls for free, okay?”
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Spring 2020
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to Sonic the Hedgehog (not a bad movie).
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“Shooting water up my ass is the fastest bidet to my heart.”
OUT OF MY WAY, I NEED TO GET TO MY BIDET!
STILL BETTER THAN A BUG’S LIFE
Top 10 Alternative Uses for Your Bidet
Coronavirus Review
By: Paul Sdeep
1. A water fountain: why waste a good cup when you already have a perfectly good water fountain in your bathroom? 2. Masturbation: more functional for females when all is required is a little scoot back, but guys can figure out a way to use it as well. I know I have. 3. Nasal Congestion: ever notice one of your nostrils can’t breathe as well as the other? You probably have sinus congestion, but don’t waste your money on a nose cleaner. Kill two birds with one stone and get a bidet and clean your nose and your anus. 4. Prostate milking: a little modification required, but totally worth it. 5. Throat itcher: ever have that uncomfortable unreachable itch in the back of your throat, well here is your solution. Simply put your mouth over the spout and let it rip. You may even gag a little teehee. 6. Better spy cam: are you a disgusting sex offender like me? Are you tired of looking at poop covered asses from the spycam you put in your toilet? Put the cam in your bidet and get some nice clean shlongs, cooters, taints, and booties. 7. Hair washer: ever shaving your pubes over the toilet and then have to take a full-on shower afterward just to get that access hair off your balls? Well, now you can blast that shit away without having to get your whole body wet with the bidet. 8. Cum cleaner: calm down. Anal is very common nowadays and what better way to prevent cum gluing your anus closed than cleaning it out with a bidet? 9. Water balloon filler: did your mom buy you those stupid water balloon balloons that make really tiny water balloons and don’t even fit over a sink spout? Well, now you can fill them up in the smaller spouted bidet.
By: Heywood Jablomi
Today on The Medium Reviews, we’re gonna be looking at the hit new virus that’s sweeping the nation, Coronavirus! Pop open a beer and sit down, this is gonna be a fun one. The first fun little surprise coronavirus has for us is how it looks like ordinary diseases like the cold, flu, pneumonia, or worst of all an ordinary bottle of bud light. People think they just have a regular cold, but then whoopsies, they’re DEAD! Just like playing a spy in Team Fortress 2. That’s nothing, though, compared to the fallout of the sudden epidemic. Sure, people in China are dying, but we’re in the US! As long as it stays on their side of the Pacific, what do we care? I’m sure you’ve seen Karens only caring about coronavirus when the US cases got announced, and I don’t know about you, but I am enjoying the shit out of this ethnocentrism reveal party. Now’s the time to find out what people really think about the wide lands of not-America. Unfortunately, coronavirus also brings casual racism with it. If your Chinese friend starts coughing, you can guarantee they’ll get suspicious looks or maybe even thrown out of the classroom. Hell, they don’t even have to be Chinese, it’s not like white people know the difference. But if you are white, flex your privilege and have a coughing fit on the bus. Watch everyone squirm as your imagined germs flow into their respiratory system and make them confront the reality of their inevitable deaths! While coronavirus hasn’t hit “mass panic and chaos” levels of group hysteria yet, I do believe it has the potential. With all this in mind, I’m giving coronavirus an 8.5/10. Maybe if they make a less problematic sequel, we can bump it into the 9 range, but for now, sit back and enjoy living out a failed Plague Inc. save file.
LOOKING FOR A BIDET THAT FITS YOUR BUDGET? THAT MAKES YOU A PERVERT, BUT COME TO THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS FROM 7:45 - 8:45 IN THE LSC BOARD ROOM CAUSE WE NEED MORE PEOPLE!
NO ONE KNOWS FOR SURE
Dorm Name Word Scramble By: PP Harding
Can you guess the right spelling of this beloved residence hall? 1. Freilinghyson 2. Frelynghison
10. Eye washer: got an eyelash in your eye? Stop wasting your time struggling to get under the sink spout, use the bidet instead.
3. Frelinghysun
Warning: using the bidet for your eyes may possibly cause pink eye.
5. Freilingheuysen
4. Frelinghuysen
4. Frelinghuysen
Wednesday, February 19th, 2020
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, February 19h, 2020
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"A bidet a day keeps that gross rash away."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Which is your favorite toilet to drink from on campus? "Dude, what the fuck is your problem?" Didn't Get the Guy's Name He clearly wasn't cool anyway
"Whichever one the bullies keep shoving my head in." Ashton Billingsly Clearly goes to elementary school in a 90's movie
"Well, what are we judging it on here? Taste? Murkiness? How much shit is caked on the bowl?" Grover A really good boy
BLUE SUEDE POOS
If Elvis had a Bidet, he Would've Died Cleaner BY ROB LOWE
I'm not saying that Elvis was selfish for not having a bidet, but the guy obviously wasn't thinking about the sorry fucks who had to wipe his ass after he croaked on the john. I mean, imagine being that mortician: your favorite rock singer gets wheeled into your office and you can't even mourn the guy, you have to wipe his fucking rock star ass. Anybody who's watched a documentary about a rock star knows it ends with the guy OD'ing and just shitting all over themselves, so Elvis should've seen this coming. And the guy was so close to making it right, too! He was on the pot trying to get it all out before he died, but he was just a little too slow, didn't get a chance to wipe. I think we should require that all rock stars, junkies, and white, upperclass pieces of shit (like myself) have bidets installed in their homes and that is the only place they can do drugs from now on. I don't really think this is all too much to ask, it would make a lot of people's jobs a hell of a lot easier. GROW A PAIR, AND PUT 'EM IN THE FOUNTAIN
Any Water Fountain Can be a Bidet FURRIES RUIN ANOTHER HOLIDAY
The Valentine's Day That Scarred Me BY MUTORCS YMEROT
Today, I just came from my first appointment at CAPS, in order to help my mental state. Why, you may ask? Because I made the mistake of seeing the Sonic the Hedgehog movie opening night. Now the movie itself was pretty decent, and the redesign was good. Super generic, but the movie is directed toward kids and Sonic fans. The problem? Sonic Fans. The Furries. I thought I was just going to relax and enjoy the movie, until I saw people with fake fur tails on them. Some people even had full fursuits, which made me question the incompetence of theater security. Now, the really, REALLY big problem is that for an opening night, it just so happened to be on Valentine’s day. This meant not just a few furries, but fur couples. The movie is rated PG but I feel they should have made it R. Not because of the movie, but because of the behavior of specific audience members. Some people were trying to initiate a mating dance of some sort, which looked like a malfunctioning ChuckE-Cheese robot. You know how it’s almost a trope with movie theaters that people fuck in them? Let me tell you, that night was a living of that trope which I wished were untrue. I didn’t even touch my popcorn once the movie started because, last I checked, melted butter was yellow. I especially felt bad for this one kid who was trying to watch the movie but had his vision obscured the whole time because some asshole was wearing a fox head. Where were this kid’s parents? That I do not know, I just know he was clutching his Sonic plushie, and crying. Shoutout to Jim Carrey as Eggman.
BY DAIR E. AIRE
Because I want to be nothing but truthful with you, a faithful reader of The Medium, I'll admit that I have been charged with public indecency on at least 69 occasions (I was only counting to 69 because I wanted it to be special, I sat on a water fountain while someone was still drinking from it). I hope that, rather than hold these offences against me, you will instead count me an expert in the field of public bidets. There are a few different reasons why I've become committed to using fountains as bidets: 1. Everyone knows that bidets are expensive, but no on knows just how expensive they are. $100? $1,000? $1,000,000? No one knows, so it's better to save your money and just use a public one. 2. I never learned how to wipe. My parents did it for me growing up, and then my girlfriends (I guess word got around and attracted the shit fetishists), but now that I've been charged with multiple felonies, dating is kinda hard. Now, no one wipes me. 3. It's kind of a sexual thing, not gonna lie. 4. Do you know how cool it is to break rules? Very. I've needed something to get the blood pumping ever since I got off of coke. 5. I fucking hate Big Bidet, coming after me and my right to an affordable, public bidet. They're working with Big Public Bathrooms and Big Toilet, trying to steal every penny they can from the average American like you and me. If you're brave enough, I want you to join me on my quest to challenge evil corporations while also cleaning yourself unlike you've been cleaned before. Rise up, then rest your dirty tushes on a water fountain, right on the nozzle, snuggle right up to it. Don't worry, if anyone gives you shit, say our Editors-in-Chief put you up to it.
Wednesday, February 19h, 2020
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ARTS
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“My paintbrush is my favorite thing to masturbate with.”
MIGHTY MORPHIN KNIGHT BY TUMBLEWEED
THE GOONS BY KID KNISH
JOE'S MAMA BY KID KNISH
GOTW BY UR FUTURE BF
470-232-5928 IF THIS BIDET ISSUE MADE YOUR DAY PLS TEXT ME WE CAN GO ON A DATE I HOPE U LIKE BUBBLE TEA ;)
the Medium
PERSONALS
Wednesday, February 19th, 2020
"And yes this page is really #SPONSORED by Big Bathroom and Bloomberg 2020!" themedium.submissions@gmail.com
Bidets
Why doesn't my bidet have a water heater?
Females
Why do women be shopping?
(Because steaming a Cleveland Steamer would be redundant.)
(Why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west? Why is the sky blue? Why is Would a bleach bidet prop- inertia a property of matter? It just is. Some of them erly cure my autistic son? just be. You don't question (Dunno. Sure won't cure the laws written under the you of being an ableist bitch universe's fucking dominion.) though, Karen.) Just tried to use an impro- Why does the female preyvised bidet at the fire sta- ing mantis always eat their tion. The bleeding hasn't mate's head, but my own stopped for 37 minutes. GF can't show me the same courtesy? What do I do? (290 PSI up a pink starfish (First of all, respect conwill do that. I advise that sent. Second, you've got you write your last rites your heads mixed up. I and make as many amends think. If not, I'm sure there's as you can, while you still good folks on Craiglist, can.) Backpage, or a Tor market who'd oblige.) Why is there so much fucking bidet shit in this I've had trouble talking to week's issue? women ever since I cut my tongue out as a sacrifice to (Not sure. Shame the ediNulgul'Thurub. Any adtors don't have a hand held vice? trigger-nozzle spray de(Have you simply tried texvice to hose it all out.) ting? Writing? PantomimWater spray up butthole ing? Placing two spotted funny!!!!!! bat toes on your Necro(You bet your immaculately nomicon to reach Hex Supwashed ass it is.) port?)
Word of the Week:
Kellogg
n. Family that pioneered innovation in NoFap, cereal, & anal douching technology WILL YOU BE OUR BIDET? DON'T KNOCK IT TIL YOU TRY IT ;)
Bloomers
Hello Personals, Mike Bloomberg here. Can you use this space to let reader's know that I'm the COOL racist billionaire pervert? (I guess so. We're taking checks from Big Bathroom, I don't really see how we can sell out any further from here.) Why does Bloomberg's ad with Obama only have one endorsement that isn't at least eight years old?
BIDETS: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
(Do token black friends need to have a statute of limitations? Bloomberg's not racist. Plain and simple. Definitely not. Stop referencing factual things!) Why don't we just Xerox the presidency and pass it out across all the parties? (Why not man? I agree. Legit democratic process is boring. Know who else agrees? Magic Mike!) I'm being victimized by mean Bernie Bro Bullies on Twitter as an innocent Person of Wealth. How do I cope? (We harrass billionaires too much and poors too little in this cruel world. Inhale. Exhale. Wipe those tears off with some Benjis.)
Miscellaneous Can you tuck me in bed? (Sure. Can you send the addy and room number so I know which window to climb through?) How do I make sure my wife is cheating on me so I can cheat on her? (Three steps: become a social media influencer, shill for the Bloomberg campaign, and use his pocket change to build a mass surveillance apparatus. If you're gonna cheat, why not deploy the Konami Code?) How do I find lasting love, like my mother and my cat? (Fuck if I know. You could always go for some dining hall ice cream or CookDoug strays for a quick oxytocin hit though.) Why am I going bald? I'm eight years old. (Is your dad Jason Alexander? Condolences.)
haha kidding... unless? :3 Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room
Wednesday, February 19th, 2020
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Please don't follow these tips
List of Things You Could Get Me at Costco
By Daniel Ding-Dong
1. Those Kirkland cookies (oooh you gotta get me the Kirland cookies) 2. Those little tangerines 3. The Costco pizza 4. Some clothes if you think they'd look good on me 5. A rotisserie chicken 6. Another rotisserie chicken 7. The $1.50 hot dog/soda combo Local Listings for Perverts • I am a 37 year old man living in the New Brunswick area and I’m just looking for love. More specifically, someone to marry. But even more specifically, someone to marry who won’t ask what happened to the last person I married. It just doesn’t matter. She moved to Sacramento or something. There’s just clothes in my closet so why even look? • I would like one copy of Animal Crossing: New Horizons please. That is all. Hi-ku
I want a bidet To clean out my inner filth And the poopy stuff
PAGE A7
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"Clear Eyes Full Farts Can't Lose."
Bidets for Days
Top 5 Anime Characters Who Could Use A Bidet By Bonerfart 5) Broly: Broly is my favorite Dragon Ball character because he's always yelling. Why is he yelling, you may ask? Cause he got a butt full of doodoo. One shot of water up the butt from the Alpha JX Bidet will have anyone going Super Saiyan in no time. 4) Shinji Ikari: In a recent interview, Envangelion creator Hideaki Anno revealed that the reason that the reason as to why Shinji was so depressed all the time was because he didn't have a bidet. Earth would have made quick work of the Angel threat if they installed an Alpha JX Bidet in every Evangelion. 3) Prince Zuko: Is Avatar an anime? No? Well, I get paid 30 bucks everytime I plug the Alpha JX Bidet, so tough shit (but not with the Alpha JX Bidet!) 2) Gaara: Now this motherfucker needs a bidet. I don't watch Naruto, partially because I'm so busy shilling the Alpha JX Bidet, but by just looking at this guy I can tell he is a truly twisted individual. I'm also pretty sure he controls sand. And where does sand go into? Holes. And what has a hole? Butts. And what goes into butts? The Alpha JX Bidet. 1) The Colossal Titan : I just realized that titans in Attack on Titans don't have butts or genitals. I'm too tired to come up with another anime character, and the bidet people don't care about accuracy, so just go buy an Alpha JX Bidet.
February 19, 2020 @TheMedium themedium.submissions@ gmail.com SPORTS section of the Most Factual Newspaper of All-Time
AARON GORDON DUNKS OVER EMPIRE STATE BUILDING; STILL LOSES DUNK CONTEST
AARON GORDON CLEARING THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING BY WADE_IS_A_HOMER_69
Saturday night’s Sprite Slam
Dunk Contest resulted in Derrick Jones Jr. of the Miami Heat bringing home the title,
but not without controversy. In a similar fashion to the 2016 Dunk Contest, in which Aaron Gordon of the Orlando Magic lost the contest to Zach LaVine, AG was the runner up again. However, many
fans and analysts argued that a former Heat teammate of Gordon should have won the Jones Jr. Many accused Wade contest. of favoritism, and believed he intentionally made Jones Fans believed Gordon Jr. win the contest due to deserved the title, as his first 5 his bias towards him. Wade dunks were all scored 50/50. responded by deflecting One of Gordon’s dunks, questions about his scoring which was a 360 thrown down and instead said he still after his Magic teammate fully supports the LGBT Markelle Fultz tossed the community. ball off the backboard, was considered by many to be Aaron Gordon was not among the greatest dunks of pleased though, and still all time. However, Gordon’s wanted to prove to the rest dunk in the final tie-breaking of the world that he deserved round, in which he dunked to be dunk contest champion. over 7’ 5” Tacko Fall, scored He called Dwyane Wade to only a 47, with three judges meet him in New York City scoring it a 9. Jones Jr. final for a Dunk Contest 2. After dunk, a windmill from a step completing a dunk after inside the free throw line, jumping over the Chrysler scored a 48, giving the edge Building, Gordon then to him to be the champion of cleared the Empire State the contest. building and dunked again. Wade scored both dunks a One of the three judges who 1/10, and instead awarded scored Gordon a 9 on the final the Dunk Contest 2 trophy to dunk was Dwyane Wade, his daughter Zaya.
NBA All-Star Game: By the Numbers
13 Things Houston Astros Owner Jim Crane Believes Do Not Impact the Game of Baseball BY CHEATERS GUIDE 101
1. Stealing signs that tell players what pitch is coming 2. Jacking off in the infield next to the shortstop to distract him 3. Throwing additional baseballs not a part of the game at outfielders as they try to catch fly balls Giannis blocked 4. Playing pornography on the big screen of the Time Lebron and caused Lebron stadium to retire 5. Having the cheerleaders strip naked on the field during gameplay 6. 9 7. Allowing fans to run on the field during the game 8. Hiring all of Derek Jeter’s former girlfriends to All-stars trying in the 4th stand in the outfield and hit on the outfielders 9. Allowing owners of all MLB teams to shout racial quarter of the All-star slurs from the sidelines at the players 10. Hiring President Trump to sing the national game for the first time in anthem from the 11. Pitcher’s mound during the 9th their career inning 11. Telling the player’s children to go on the field and say hi to them 12. Cutting the players paychecks and letting them This is just my weekly 69 know during the breaks between innings 13. I don’t have a 13th thing but pretend there is a sex joke and the third one on joke here
1
10
69
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Making 69 Jokes Inside Sports Articles SINCE 1970
0 Kevin Durant’s playing in the ASG this year because he was tweeting from his burner
420 Fans jacking off to how competitive the game was
24-8 RIP-KOBE