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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
IN YOUR FROZEN FOODS CASE
RECENT SNOW STORMS LINKED TO POWERFUL GROCERY STORE CARTEL Snow machines possibly used to incite rabid demand for groceries
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
ACROSS NJ—Government officials discovered a collection of snow makers behind several local chain grocers, leading to high suspicions that the recent pummeling of the northern Jersey area was not the work of Mother Nature, but of Mother Corporate Greed. The suspected cartel, consisting of grocery superpowers A&P, Shop Rite, Acme, and Stop & Shop has been known to create situations to drive panicked demand for groceries, such as bribing news stations to report grossly aggrandized weather forecasts. Most Jersey residents would agree these forecasts suc-
cessfully induce massive grocery runs. “I can’t help it!” said local housewife Julia Heyt. “Whenever I hear it’s going to snow, I have to stock up on bread and milk! I’d hate to get snowed in and not be able to feed my family slices of bread.” Although cartels are illegal, the govern- While we forecast snow, most supermarkets are forecasting major profits for the next quarter ment has been hesitant to take action. AcSaid financial analyst Bill cording to federal investigator Brace, “They Bob Johnson, there are underlying fears that such action would have complete control of the result in the discontinuation of market... because they’re supermarkets.” 10/$10 pasta sauce specials.
MOOVIN' YO' ASS
SNOW RELOCATES COWS TO FOOTBALL FIELD BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
RUTGERS STADIUM—With the recent blizzards blanketing the Rutgers University campus in ice, the professors from the Animal Sciences department took extreme measures to protect the well being of their livestock. "All of the grass [at the fields on Cook Campus] had been buried by the snow, and the cows had very little to eat," said Professor Bryton Conroy. "There was only one place on the entire campus that was green." Indeed, that place was Rutgers Stadium, whose landscaping budget trumps that of any major campus. Within hours of the snowstorm, the gridiron had been plowed out and any damaged areas were replaced. To the Animal Science faculty, they had found a temporary home just in time. "Cows need grass as their major form of sustenance," continued Conroy. "We were able to put the pigs to the abandoned Cooper Dining Hall and moved the horses to the Quads, because
50¢
FEBRUARY 2nd, 2011
Volume xli Issue xiv
ICE CREAM IN THE MAKING Field maintenance personnel help to adjust the cows to their new surroundings. They will be able to watch Animal Planet on the Jumbotron. they are able to have more variation in their diet. Surprisingly, the horses enjoyed Tillet!" "Now, the field at the stadium is artificial turf," said Aaron Acosta, head of Field Upkeep and Management. "But I'm sure the cows won't taste the differ-
ence. The players eat it all the time, and I haven't heard one word out of them." The cows will be moved back once the snow melts, unless Head Football Coach Greg Schiano needs a new set of defensive tackles.
For Viewers Like You ESTABLISHED 1970
NEWS TWEET
BIRD FLU AFFECTS FLOCKS OF RUTGERS CHICKS
BY RNORMZ CONTRIBUTING WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK—The rapidly increasing cases of Avian Flu among Rutgers females are sending medical professionals reeling from sheer incredulity. In a mere three weeks the numbers have gone up, from approximately 12 reported cases to over 2,000, restricted almost exclusively to female college students. More disturbing is the complete lack of evidence so far of infection among local birds, leading many professionals to ask: “but why?” Medical Experts within the college, who have asked to be kept completely anonymous for fear of “Sounding like morons” have speculated that the answer is, in fact, the common use of birdlike names often ascribed to young women by their male peers. “It’s almost as though the disease has gotten confused, and has chosen to target these chicks instead,” said one researcher. Needless to say, women all over the university have become increasingly anxious at this turn of events, refusing to allow pet names from significant others and demanding to be spoken to respectfully, if not reverently. One student across the street from a construction site on George Street was found begging friendly workers not to call her “baby”— “I don’t want to get cowlick!” She cried, nearly in tears. As a measure of good-will, many fraternity organizations have pledged to make changes in their members’ treatment of women, choosing to omit such terms of endearment as “baby” and putting a stop entirely to the practice of calling any ugly girls “dogs”. Nonetheless, statements
CHICKS
Continued on Back
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
"If her asshole was a four lane highway, he just put in a carpool lane..."
THE COMMERCIAL ECONOMY
WEATHER TODAY
It's rather cold. Woo, surprise. TOMORROW
Ok, are you fuckin stupid or something? Yeah, it's Coppertone baby tropical fruit hot!
TASTEFUL
Rutgers Hosts Orgasm Contest BY OLIVER KLOZOFF STAFF WRITER
UNION STREET—Rutgers students are often noted for their hyper-sexual behavior. Anything that goes down on campus is reason enough for one of two things; drinking or fucking. Thursday a team of fraternities and sororities developed an idea that has most of the senior class buzzing. An “Orgasmoff” will be held to see who can have the best orgasm. The proceeds of the contest will go towards several funds benefitting the “contact lenses for baby seals” cause. The contest will be judged in three categories; speed, intensity and amount of body fluid released. “The guys think they have got us beat because we can’t cum,” said Mary Kelly, a senior in Phi Iota Epsilon sorority. “Well we’ve got a surprise because we brought in our best squirters.” Rutgers heads of campus strongly disapprove of this contest and are undergoing great lengths to ban the contest. Gregory Blimling has ordered 24 hour patrols to stop what he has labeled “an abomination to academic excellence.” Students should not worry though, the heads of the contest have said that nothing will deter them from helping the baby seals. As for the contest, the men of the fraternities are confident that they will prevail. “They have no chance,” Ian Santos said, a member of Alpha Pi. “How are they gonna cum, everyone knows you can’t find the g-spot.”
Editorial Staff Spring 2011
F
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011
Rough Economy comes crashing through our television screens BY OSWALDO GOLDBOTTOM STAFF ECONOMIST
BUSCH CAMPUS—In an effort to cut costs, several television production companies have began to distribute pink slips to some of our favorite on-air personalities. Sony Pictures has recently confirmed rumors that at the end of the current season, the Wheel of Fortune will keep turning without Vanna White there to applaud. According to Sony Vice President of Budgeting and Finance, Larry Warren, “Ms. White is currently making five million dollars every year for clapping and tapping a television screen. Not to mention the hundreds of thousands of dollars we spend on her wardrobe.” Mr. Warren went further to note that the digital board has had the capability to display letters without anyone touching the monitors since 1997. “It was all good when she had to actually turn the letters manually, but we’re
Shortly after flipping over the letters, Vanna White flipped off the camera
in the digital world now.” Ms. White shared her disappointment with the company’s decision. “I’ve spent more than half of my life turning letters on that board, and now they’re kicking me to the streets? Well, I’ve got a puzzle for them. First word F, blank, C, K, second word YOU.” Despite her qualifications of having mastery of the alphabet, Sesame Street is the last place she should send a resume. Cast and puppeteers on
COMING NEXT WEEK
CHICKS
Verizon iPhone release distracts Americans from whatever bad stuff is happening in Egypt
...continued from front
"I'll just look it up on my Wikipedia app at some point next week..." said legitimately concerned student Donna Moore.
You'll climb muthafukin mountains!
With poise!
...maybe
Stiletto Hiking Boots. Because it was nature that made you a woman. Available at
Available for a limited time with a free ankle splint and first aid kit!
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
the program are seeing red, and its name is Elmo. In the midst of contract negotiations for the next season, Sesame Workshop producers and executive staff decided to eliminate the entire staff except puppeteer Kevin Clash and his most notable puppet, Elmo. “Our goal is to educate children, and they only pay attention when that little red fur ball is on the screen,” said Sesame Workshop executive Elvin Montey.
News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
have been released by Dean Jacqueline Litt of Douglass College and President McCormick indicating a possible crack-down on students who choose not to follow this example, inciting outrage from many. Said Junior bro Michael Davidson, “I think it is dangerous to take this sort of reactionary course in these circumstances. Before we start infringing on peoples’ rights to Freedom of Speech, we should consider medically proven ways to prevent the spread of disease. Besides,” he added, a moment later, “those bitches will be fine.” While Medical Experts continue to be baffled by this disease outbreak, and Rutgers considers in hushed whispers shutting down and reopening as an all-male college to avoid dealing with this absolute nightmare, women at Rutgers and elsewhere fight to be referred to by their names, for Christ’s sake. Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Kenneth Brooks Shane Whelan Steve Troulis Abe Stanway Barbara Reed Blumpkin Kid
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to extra-curricular activities. Because I am currently doing this instead of all the Spanish homework I have to get done.
FEATURES
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2010
“U remind me of a giiirrrllll...that I...once knew!” AN EPIC POEM
INSTANT KARMA
LES FLEURS DE LA PUTAIN for sex. Am I allowed to put this in a newspaper? Fuck it. 3. “Oh hey, we should go to Tillett!”
Come round children, and you shall hear A college tale, not of beer. A tale of a man’s pain and pleasure, Of love and loss, who would stop at no measure To get his revenge upon those who’d laughed, Those damned fools who’d thought him daft! Our fair tale begins in the city of New Brunswick Where a babe was born with more than one dick. His parents were proud, he was genetically unique! But others didn’t understand, they would gasp, shriek! They named him Richard, they saw this name fit, And as he grew he became cunning, had wit! His parents would blush, they were so glad That their child had brains—it was all he had. Other children always knew Dick was strange He didn’t fit in, and glances they would exchange When he walked by, and so little Dick McCormick Would run and cry. Years would pass, and Dick graduated high school Finally, maybe in college he would be cool! So off to university he went, ready at long last To be accepted, have friends, to get some ass! Maybe in college girls would appreciate The two penises he had to masturbate. Bros would admire his double dose of masculinity They would be jealous of his sexual divinity. But alas, poor Double Dick’s vision wouldn’t come true And a dark thing happened which he would forever rue. Richard decided to Rush, but pledging went wrong When his brothers proclaimed all were to wear naught but a thong. A pang of fear electrocuted his body— Would his bros accept him? Would girls get naughty? Richard came out of the bathroom, wearing his skimpy bloomers Then they laughed, they pointed! Did he have two dicks, or maybe tumors? They kicked Dick out, he was a freak, a monstrosity! He became overwhelmed with anger of terrible ferocity He decided someday to get his retribution On these happy college kids who’d given him persecution.
People die. Sucks, eh? I don’t know if everyone gets a good line to end on but these are… FAMOUS LAST WORDS OF RUTGERS STUDENTS!! (You might know it as FLWRS) 1. “Whatever man, any port in a storm right?” Unless that port is full of mutant lizard-monkeys with blade arms and heat vision. Also STD’s. 2. “We’re going to the SKULL party tonight!” Nobody actually died here, they just got roofied and used
Snow Fighters By Frank Fusco
In response to numerous student complaints about unplowed parking lots and unshovelled walkways, Rutgers will be implementing a new technological wonder. All of the professors and staff still hung up on the 80’s were asked to donate their cans of hairspray, preferably Aqua Net. Simultaneously, all of the smokers, stoners, hookah enthusiasts and pyromaniacs were asked to do-
By Russian Mail-Order Bride Features Editor
4. “Oh its ok, we can walk to College Ave!”
I recently started to watch “My Name is Earl.” If you’ve never seen it, it’s about a trailer trash thief who discovers the consequences of bad karma. He then makes a list of all the bad things he’s done so he can correct them. It got me thinking about all the shitty things I’ve done in my life, and I started making my own karma list. Note: All of the following events happened at least 10 years ago. I didn’t want to incriminate myself too much...
And the Cook-Douglass students were never seen again. 5. “We’re getting on this bus.” Did you know 1-4 Rutgers Students die each day from suffocation at the Scott Hall Stop? Save some lives, use your jetpack. Next week? Something completely different! STAY TUNNNNNED!
nate their Zippo lighters. The Engineering department combined the brainpower of all of its faculty and students (see future article if they don’t kill me for finding out about this) to combine these two seemingly innocuous items into a powerful anti-snow weapon called the Scarlet Hairspray Flame Thrower ®. Rutgers Head Groundskeeper Carl Spackler said, “With this mighty weapon we shall melt all of the snow and snowmen at Rutgers!”
CUTE THING OTW
1.) Beat up Danny in 4th grade. This asshole named Danny spread a rumor that I had a crush on the fat kid. I was not havin’ that; I don’t do the fatties. So at recess, I pounced on him and ripped his hair out until he cried. I had to sit on the “bad kids” wall under strict lunch lady supervision until recess ended.
2.) Told my parents the babysitter was on drugs so they would fire him. In my defense, he was a really mean babysitter! He scared the shit out of me and my brother by claiming there were burglars in the attic that we had to fight. He sent us up there with baseball bats so he could have the TV to himself and watch Star Trek. Yeah, that fucker had it coming to him anyway.
3.) Framed a kid for stealing my
piano-shaped pencil sharpener, which I had actually hidden. This poor guy. I hated him for absolutely no reason. I actually fake cried to make the story more believable to the teacher. No one even thought to question my honesty.
Sweet Double Dick started to get shifty, His heart had been hardened, he became “Tricky.” He was ruthless, ambitious, and fueled by angry passion To give those “bros” and “biddies” a good lashin’. Many years passed, and Dick became known As a wise man worthy of the Rutgers throne. And so he became elected in the year 2002, Alas, time for his revenge! But what to do? “Ah ha!” he said, “The RU Screw.”
4.) Beat up a girl for calling my friend a “shrimpy midget” You know what...at least I was a loyal friend. But alas, I was banished to the “bad kids” wall again.
5.) In middle school I’d sneakily
MEDIUM WURDZ OF DA WEEK
Pee Groupie: A female who can, under no circumstances, go to
the bathroom without bringing at least one other girl friend. If numbers exceed three pee groupies, they become a pee pack. Wikipedia A-Lister: Those who actually have pictures next to their Wikipedia articles. A CHART FROM A-HOOD
My Karma List ...so far...
Also known as “Oh hey, does this taste like poison to you?”
SNOOOOOWWW
DA PREZ
THE MEDIUM
SEXY GAME TIME
Strip Flip!
A sexed-up game submission from Stevie-O • # OF PLAYERS: At least 2. The more the better. • AMOUNT OF CLOTHING 5 items of clothing for each player • RULES: 1. Each player challenges someone in the room to a flip-off 2. if the one who was called on called it wrong, they have to take one piece of clothing off 3. but if they call it right, the challenger takes off one piece of clothing 4. the first person who is completely naked has to strip the person of their choice in the sexiest way that they can.
Submit to features@themediumonline.com
scratch my hands until they turned red and splotchy, then tell teachers I had a “rash” so I could be excused from class to get calamine lotion at the nurse’s office. If this didn’t take long enough, I would take several detours through the hallways to stall for time. I’d do it again. Middle school fucking sucked
6.) Shoved a girl through a partially open window just for the hell of it. Back in 4th grade, my friend and I decided it would be fun to see if the skinniest girl in our grade would fit through the classroom window, which could only open half way. So we kidnapped her and forced her to comply with our demands. She made it through the window...barely...and then she got in trouble because no one was supposed to be in the classroom. Whoops.
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED
Wednesday, February, 2nd 2011
“I’m already at the Food Court.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Please Stop Using Me to Predict the Weather BY PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL
Well, it’s Groundhog Day again. That means another day of being pulled out of my warm home by some guy so he can use me to predict when winter will end. Then he throws me back into the hole they’ve provided and I wait until the next February 2nd. I have been stuck doing this job for the last 10 years and I can’t allow this “holiday” to continue. I must stand up in protest against my mistreatment. Can you imagine how annoying it would be if you were asleep in bed and a huge monster grabbed you and held you up in front of a group of strangers? Yeah, you wouldn’t like it very much. Then why is it ok to do it to me once a year? Is it because I’m a groundhog? I have rights, you know. The whole thing wouldn’t be so bad if they were just gentler. A nice vet is never picking me up to show off my shadow. I would love if some beautiful Pennsylvania women were carrying me in front of the crowd. But every year, without fail, it’s
some dumbass from the City Council who manhandles me like a toy. I’m only 15 pounds and I need to be treated with care. I could call the ASPCA and have the entire town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania shut down. Have these people never heard of animal cruelty? It’s a very real crime and not one that this great state will take lightly. I’m Punxsutawney Phil. I’m the biggest celebrity this town will ever see. The whole ritual doesn’t even make sense. Of all the things groundhogs are known for, predicting the weather is not one of them. I can’t really tell if there will be 6 more weeks of winter or if spring is coming. I don’t even know what day it is. I have no concept of time or seasons. I’m a rodent. I can only hope that my plight will draw awareness to other cases where small animals are being mistreated and embarrassed. In every small town where the residents are holding up groundhogs because they can’t just walk outside, I will be there to say, “No more.” It’s time to celebrate Groundhog Day the right way.
“I’m only 15 pounds and I need to be treated with care.”
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
That Andy is the Clone! Shoot Him!
BY ANDREW PERRY Sharon, there’s been a horrible mistake in the cloning process. I made an exact replica of myself but there’s something… wrong about him. He’s evil. He’s been terrorizing people in town and I think he’s plotting something against me too. That’s why I need you to take the gun and shoot him. That man there isn’t real. He’s a clone. I’m your real husband! Um, let me think, what’s something only I could know…? Oh! You hate to have your feet tickled and when you told me we were going to have a baby I passed out. We watch a movie together every Thursday night! Last week it was Amelie. That’s your favorite! Please, baby, you have to believe me. That other guy is a fraud. If you don’t shoot him, he’ll destroy your life like he’s been destroying mine. Who knows who else he might hurt? I love you, Sharon. I know you can do this. Just believe in me. Do what you think is right in your heart. You know the right answer.
No! I’m the Real Andy! Shoot the Other One! BY ANDREW PERRY Sweetheart, it’s me, Andy! Don’t you recognize me? Can’t you look into my eyes and know that I’m the man you married? Do you remember that summer we went out to the lake house? We spent all day out by the water and spent every night under those stars. And I said those stars reminded me of your eyes. Don’t you remember that? Um, I can’t stand your sister Carol. I always leave my keys on the table instead of hanging them up. Last Christmas I had to buy a plastic tree for the first time and you cried. Please, honey, what do I have to say to convince you I’m the real one? You can’t listen to the other guy, he’s just trying to trick you so he can survive and you’ll kill me. Think about our son, he needs you to make the right decision. If I make it through this I promise I’ll never touch cloning again. Hell, I’ll stay away from science all together. Just you, me, and our boy. Just be strong and look into your heart. I know you can do this.
ROBBING ROBERT REPORT
BY ROBERT MICHAELS
Hey guys, Robert Michaels reporting in with your Robbing Roberts Report. You know, I really hate riding the bus every single day and it’s not the buses themselves. IT’S THE PEOPLE! Duuuuuuuuuuude, every time when I am first in line to get on the bus, it’s a freaking nightmare! First of all, as soon as those doors open, I step right up so that I have a place to stand and these IDIOTS are trying to get OFF the bus at the SAME TIME! I can’t think of a single reason why anyone needs to get off at Scott Hall of all places. And don’t get me started on what happens when the idiots are done getting off the bus because as soon as that happens, a whole new wave of idiots are trying to get on the bus. Now being a rational person, I am going to stand right at the doorway so that when I have to get off in 8 stops, I’ll be right there. Rutgers totally needs to ramp up that Project Civility thing because these idiots are yelling at me to “Move back, bro” and to “Fucking move your dumb ass you piece of shit”. How rude! We are all mature responsible adults here so when someone is standing in front of one of the doors, use the other door, DUH. Finally, who needs to hold on when riding a bus? My father and my father’s father were both pinball machine designers (totally plugging: See my dad’s interpretation of The Addam’s Family pinball game at the Asbury Park boardwalk) and that means I need to keep the tradition alive! If I’m not bouncing around the cabin every time the driver touches the pedals, I’m letting my family name down. So come on Rutgers! The Robbing Reporter has spoken!
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Israel is Real
BY JEFFREY HENDERSON I would say that in terms of it existing, Israel is real. Though many people, who consider themselves nihilists, doubt that there is anything that truly exists, I would have to disagree with their stance completely and say that there are things that do exist, and Israel is among them. Even despite scientific evidence in the field of particle physics that may suggest that reality is essentially an imaginary hologram and that our universe is part a system of many many universes, or, a multiverse, I would have to say that in my opinion, Israel is, by our definition based on our own perception of reality, a real thing.
BAKA kaka ba kakaka kaka
BY KEVIN DOUGLASS Sounds like someone is beatboxing, doesn’t it? Boom boom tsh, BAKA BAKA, boom tsh. Or maybe like chicken sounds, like “bawk bawk BAKA.” It could also be a really hip pastry chef who refuses to be called a baker, but chooses to identify himself as the Illest Baka in Chi-town. I like to just say it out loud, 5 times fast. BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA. I don’t even know what they do, nor can I imagine what the letters in BAKA stand for, but the name of their organization is pretty fantastic once you think about all the possibilities of what it could be.
OPINIONS@THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM WRITE FOR THE MEDIUM! SEE YOUR NAME IN PRINT!
I mean, if you’re into that sort of thing. I don’t know, forget I even asked...It was a stupid idea anyway
ARTS
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011
“One of the comics was drawn by a kid named Rios.”
GRAFFITI
THE MEDIUM
COMICS
MOVIE REVIEW
Inception 2010
by Chas Hornsby Movie Critic
Inception, directed by Christopher Nolan, could have been a truly magnificent movie, but there was one aspect of it that couldn’t be compensated for by an excellent screenplay or suberb acting; the use of synchronized dialogue. Movies that use synchronized dialogue; or “Talkies,” so called by unruly scamps, hooligans and the like; have been gaining popularity among directors and big production houses. As a fan of the true art of film, I must say I can’t wait for the day when moviegoers quit falling for such cheap novelty and the silent film is once again in vogue. While watching Inception, wouldn’t you have liked to listen to a live orchestra playing jazz music
instead? Wouldn’t you have liked to read what the characters were saying on title cards instead of sound being unnaturally projected while the actors move their mouths? I’ll admit, the Jazz Singer (1927) did very well commercially, both domestically and abroad, and was quite a good show. However, one day directors will stop resorting to cheap gimmicks like synchronized sound, if they are truly artists of film. So, even though Inception is really quite good on certain levels, the annoying gimmicks meant to fill the seats really brought it down quite considerably.
A REAL CUTE GROUNDHOG
Submit to the Arts Page We’re not looking for quality
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THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS “No way. No fuckin’ way. Did he? Imma kill him!“
Rules
for
Life
1. Don’t Dress Sexy To Jog In The Winter. Mens’ Nuts Are Too Cold To Care. 2. Eat The Recommended Amount Of Fruits And Vegetables. 3. Do Not Justify Ketchup As One Of Those Vegetables. 4. Send Personals To The Medium Everyday!!!
personals@themediumonline.com BUSES
BIZNITCHES
To the bitch on the over crowded ass weekend 2 who could not wait for people to get off at ARC before slipping her tiny chihuahua looking ass in... you knocked me out of my position and i had nothing to hold on to the rest of the way to College Ave. I wish the bus woulda crashed just so my fat ass could have fell over and squished you like a bug.
To the personals editor: we used to love your witty comebacks. i hope you kick this flu because last week you fucking sucked.
(I’m confused - Is she/he a chihuahua or a bug. In any case, if you have that ability, I think you should really invest in some SlimFast. Shit, maybe you should stop taking the bus and jog to College Ave instead.) Hey idiots in the two blue cars that don’t know how to drive and caused a big fuckin’ pile up on huntington street because you couldn’t get past the bus i was on, just give up your licenses. I don’t understand why both of you would speed around another driver that had the courtesy to let the big ass bus pass. I feel like that would have been a cue for you to wait but nope. And then you in the second blue car had the nerve to honk your horn at the first idiot seeing there was no where to go. Think you prolly should’ve backed up. Thanks bus driver for taking the risk and moving ever so dangerously close to the parked cars to finally get around those idiots. (Wow, that was a long one, but Dr. K finds this funny because he witnessed something similar on the same street, but it was just because the driver was a woman. I know, sexist. Write a letter.)
(to the personals reader. its nice to know you don’t actually give a shit about me dying in a pile of my own sweat and vomit and you only care about witty comebacks. Luckily I have recovered so I guess I’d better be funny again or else you’ll probably weep openly into the newspaper you big ass baby.) To the guy I met at that party. I really liked you, and was waiting by my cellphone for you to call. WHY didn’t you call me? I really think we would have seriously hit it off and had amazing sex! Call me if you know who this is! (To the girl some guy met at the party. that guy is probably a douche so why not forget about him and call your local male personals editor if you want to hit it off and have amazing sex. You know how to find me ;-) ) To all the guys we drunk dialed one night, WE ARE SO SORRY! We were seriously shammered, and it was a complete accident. (Or you just wanted a dick in you so you called some guys pretending to be drunk to see if they’d make a booty call but that failed so now you’re pseudo-apologizing so you don’t seem like a big slut. Classy.) To 4th floor of Mettler Hall. We have the hottest people on our floor (As someone who has actually gone into and seen the 4th floor of Mettler Hall, I have to say - I seriously disagree.)
shitty
People
TM
To all the guys at RU, seriously get it together. I am a very attractive and smart, and you are missing out on a serious keeper by passing up the opportunity to be with me. RU idiots? (RU Fugly? Seriously though, it really depends on what you mean by attractive. I mean, a piece of horse shit is attractive to a fly. I’m attractive to really intoxicated gay dudes. New York from I Love New York is attractive to people who love horrible reality show ideas. You need to go find your niche.) To the *frat row* of guys in the same frat in my computer class... i cant believe you really come into class with your letters on and you spend the entire class sitting together talking about how fucked up you all were last night at some party. and on top of that you’re idiots to talk about the probably illegal shit you did wherever the fuck you were... I feel your frat needs to be shut down because your mentality and ethics or lack thereof appalls me. (Well, is there any frat that actually has ethics? You’re going to end up closing down the entire frat row.) To the guy who said girls shouldn’t wear uggs with sweats: fuck you and go fuck yourself. What do you expect us to wear with them, stilettos? No, don’t think so. Just wondering how what we wear effects you in any way? Maybe if you channel all of your energy into talking to a girl instead of criticizing them for dressing comfortably, you’d actually get laid by one, you pretentious dick. Peace (Dr. K loves any personal that a woman writes that talks about how infrequently a guy gets laid.) To the terd that made me embarass myself in Brower by ramming into my tray and making me drop it. I hope you got run over by a fuckin bus on your way to class or wherever the fuck you were going that you had to jump in front of me.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011 SELF REFERENTIAL HUMOR
Hello Rutgers, After giving the beloved website ‘ilovethepersonals.com’ a try, we were disappointed to realize how fuckin’ stupid most of you are. We told you to go there and write personals, and you went there to write whatever the fuck the stream of consciousness from your brain was on that date. And after reading what you wrote, I seriously doubt that there is a brain sitting inside of that large sphere on your heads. As Personals Editor, Dr. K. would like to apologize to those of you who had to read the stupid weeks of RBK jokes, racist and homophobic rants, and just general bullshit. Spicy Caramel and I will make this up to you by giving you a quality Personals section every Wednesday, but what we need you to do is actually e-mail us again. When you see something you don’t like out there, tell us. When you see something you like out there, tell us. When you don’t see anything because you’re blind, braille us. Then you can see it here in print. That e-mail for you again is:
personals@themediumonline.com
- Dr. K.
THE WORST OF ilovethepersonals.com
p in fucked u ate I am so .i h orkkkk.. school w otivao self m n g in v a ing h ar of end . e f d n a tion less.. less, job up home mit..jeezzzz com need to
To Aba Saba ba, Please approve all p ersonals, or better yet make it so the persona l posts immediately aft er pressing the subm it button. Love, Your S ecret Male This is Hum mus Girl Admirer. again. I need to find a hot ass dude who loves To: Ma man! I like the hummus just as much as way you rock that I do. We cou ld play hum turban..I love the way mus games all day, and you smell...I kinda you can put hummus in like the way you tease my vag and eat me out. me...I LOVED it when Sounds like a plan? you asked me to feel Love, Humm us Girl. your biceps and btw it did feel great! :P Basically, what I’m trying THANK GOD to say is..”Boy you’re THAT IS OVER amaaazing jusst the personals@ way you are! “
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Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011 BITCHIN’ PERSONALS To the girl, I saw on the A Bus around 3 on Thursday, with the hazel eyes, brown north face and white scarf you are absolutely gorgeous. I wish I could talk to you. (Don’t put it in The Medium, just do it. Talking is generally more effective anyway. This is just sad.) To my stupid cunt roommate: You are actually the worst person I’ve ever met. You’re selfish and inconsiderate and your laugh sounds like you have Downs Syndrome. I have been spitting in your milk regularly since last semester. Please eat shit and die. Fuck you Rex L and B for making me late to my classes. Dear McCormick, what the FUCK is wrong with the buses? They have been extremely crowded. And, going to and from Cook/Doug has been like playing a bad game of Tetris lately. Come on, dude, you should probably sell your private helicopter to buy us more buses...or at least start riding them with us. Thanks. (Have you ever seen the helicopter land at Johnson & Johnson? Yeah. Its pretty cool.) To the fucking bitches that live under me- next time you call the cops and AA’s...I’m gonna walk my ass downstairs and fuck your shit up. If you would have just came upstairs I would have given you a damn beer. Go CHOKE ON A FAT CHOD YOU UGLY WHORES! Dear Trifling Ho, Cut it the fuck out. I’m not into you. I want no part of your faggotry. You cant take a fucking hint. So here it is in plain unadulterated english. GO AWAY!!! -TMFB To my ex’s new girlfriend: No, I don’t want to be your facebook friend. We have never met in person and we will never be friends on the internet or in real life. Rawr >:O To the girl in the DCC who said she feels like her ovaries are falling out; You should probably keep that information to yourself next time...
PERSONALS “Someday, I am going to RULE THE DRAMA KINGDOM!!!” MOAR BITCHIN’
CRAZY? PROLLY...
To those “Gents” that threw that party, your party SUCKED!!!!!!!!! Holy crap, you call that music party music, WTF?!?!?!?! It’s a bad party when I’m sober enough to actually remember how bad it sucked. Oy fuckface, wash your fucking self before you come to Orgo, you almost made me throw up not 1, but 4 times! I don’t give a fuck that you’re pre-med or pharm have some fucking decency, you fucking troll. (Oy? Did you just seriously use the word “Oy?” Who the fuck does that?) To Everyone...does anyone have no patience at all? When trying to get off a bus everyone crowds around the doors so no one can get off. Chill the fuck out and wait like 15 seconds...it wouldn’t kill you. And when leaving class in Loree...the worst lecture hall with only one aisle and one door...I know you’re all excited to get the front seats, but if the class that just ended is able to file out, you can get to your seat faster. Patience...c’mon it’s not that hard. Who the fuck R U ? You were at the comedy night and you are everywhere on campus, what the fuck, you creep me out. Every event I or my friends go to you are there no matter what campus it’s on. How the hell do you get around so much. Maybe you are a twin or worse, triplets and what really nags me is that very faded R hat you have. And by the way, we do notice you stare at girls asses, you’re not fooling anyone. To the guy who was playing “The Entertainer” on the piano on the second floor of the DCC; Thank you for making the emotional crisis I was having a lot more interesting.
To the cat that used to hang out around Jones Ave all of the time; I really miss you and your cute fluffiness. Please come back. To the bros I made a snowman with the other night; Keep on bro-in out with bro box, bro ice, bro spray and upside down visors, bros. You were the first bros I’ve ever been able to appreciate. and to the bitch that knocked it over... you’re so hot, why are you so full of cunty rage? And to the guy that “walked you home...” why did you make him walk you home and leave him at the door? Change of heart about giving him your herpes, I suppose?
To the couple making out in Neilson; Ew. Neither one of you is attractive. Please keep your hands off of each other until its dark out. Nobody should have to suffer from the nausea that you gave me while I was trying to enjoy my lunch. To PJ; I hope you actually graduated this time.
(0_o This is a broverload...) To my Mr. Brower.... its a shame I’ve never seen you outside of Brower! except that time I was drunk on the phone during which I shouted, “I see my Mr. Brower!” Please dont think I’m out of my mind and just be pleased I find you outrageously attractive. (Honey, you sound like a whole entire sauce pot of crazy.) Mounties are sexy ;) To my chemical analysis prof, it doesn’t matter that I can’t speak greek, you are twice my age, and you have a kid. You are my soulmate. To the petite chick with the year-round tan that’s always chillin on college ave. The best part of ur body is RIGHT where your ass meets your legs. Magnificent. To the girl from Colloquium who always glances at me and smiles whenever we pass each other, I’m sorry that I never got around to speaking to you. I had actually planned on it after the last Colloquium, but you disappeared. To be honest, I find you extremely attractive and my mind goes blank whenever you smile at me. I promise that the next time I see you, I will introduce myself. Sincerely, the guy with the blue eyes. (Whoever keeps doing this to ilovethepersonals.com NEEDS TO STOP. isawyourutgers.com died for a REASON.)
THE MEDIUM
From the very confused mind of Spicy Caramel Things not to do in the snow:
-Drive: Just don’t do it. Walking won’t kill you, and no one finds a muffin top sexy anyway. -Get drunk: There is nothing more sad than being drunk. In the snow. Alone. You also look like a crazy hobo. You also you know, might get hypothermia and die, moron. -Sleep: Don’t ask, but if you ever find yourself lying in Antilles Field in the snow for three hours, your ass will be quite frozen, and its very uncomfortable when walking home. -Wear sandals: Not only are you a retard for putting yourself at risk for frost bite, you look really stupid. Sandals are for the beach and when it isn’t 5 degrees outside. -Ice fights: These are the snowball fights’ evil, violent cousin. Long story short, someone is going to hit in the face, loose a contact lens, and make the whole situation uncomfortable & awkward... and somewhat painful CLASSES To my professor who shall remain nameless for a reason, You are so fucking hot for a 62 year old. I want to bang you on top of your desk. Too bad I can never have you...sigh...your wife must be very happy... To the bitch who sits in the front in my Employment Law class, shut the f up. No one wants to hear you talk. And you laugh when no one else laughs. Seriously? Shut the f up!! Courtesy note, if you’re sick, stay in your dorm or home. You’ll end up making noises in class. I had a startling dilemma last Thursday during my computer sci class. I don’t know who’s more of an idiot, the kid who offered his computer to the teacher’s when his shut down so we could continue lecture or the teacher who couldn’t find MATLAB on his computer and though his PC was a Mac. To the couple sitting on the four in Infant/Child Devel: Please shut up. And yeah, you heard me right, you missed the first three clicker questions for the class by coming in over half an hour late. Deal! Oh, these new-fangled interracial couples, what will they think of next??? To the girl who asked me if I was ok in my Spatial Data Analysis class; Thanks for that. Ur really nice :)
LOLLERCOASTER
To the guys who play got it in Brett. STFU. Everyone can hear that you won your stupid card game. Now please go out own Friday and Saturday night instead of playing cards in the lounge. To the midget girl that is always opera singing by Buell and Silvers and at the bus stop: Please shut the fuck up. Your attempts at trying to sound like a large black woman from a gospel choir are a complete failure. you sound like an old woman that’s been chain-smoking all her life. So spare us all and just stop. To the kid who was eating a bologna sandwich in class; Please don’t ever put me through that again. To the snow; Thank you for significantly boosting my GPA this semester. Keep it up.
Like my boy Bangs says, “Life is hard on me.” So send in yo personals at personals@themediumonline.com. yEAh gURl.
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, January 33rd, 2011
“Back when I was a young black man...”
PLI's SEARCH & FIND EDITION ONE: PIRATES V. NINJAS
CAN YOU FIND THESE ITEMS? 1. Bowling Ball 2. Paper Fan 3. Mushroom 4. Flame 5. Boot shape 6. Mask
Going InShane
“A Commuter’s Frozen-Ass Take on Rutgers Mr. Freeze. Jack Frost. The Abominable Snowman. The Ottawa Senators. Sarah Palin. These are just a few examples of people that might be able to handle the record amounts of snowfall we’ve been getting these past several weeks. I, however, have resorted to buying a battery-powered hair drier and using it to try and melt the snow on my front lawn. I think I speak for most of us when I say, “We get it…Buffalo is a shitty place to live.” I used to appreciate the fact that New Jersey was the one state I deemed “weather-efficient.” New Jersey always seemed to have the right amount of precipitation, mixed in with the perfect temperatures, and little to no damaging events such as tornadoes and hurricanes. Yet, this past winter has proven New Jersey to be a big asshole that has been trying to do a good impression of Anchorage, Alaska. Okay, so I had a few cancelled classes. Okay, so I was able to spend some quality time indoors being a lazy-bum. But enough is enough and I just ran out of rock salt. Eventually, the snow-mountains on the corners of intersections are going to grow big enough to earn them their own names. If the one next to my driveway grows any larger I think I’ll name it Mt. Douchebag. The bottom line is that the snowfall has to come to an end. I was thinking about writing a strongly worded letter to Canada asking them for a warmer jet stream. If that fails I’ll consider paying for an abortion. A good friend once told me they are the solution to all life’s problems. All jokes aside, I’m cold, I’m tired of shoveling, and our crops are dying so quickly that I fear we won’t be ready for the harvest season. I’m also sick of having to risk my life speeding to work on side streets at over 10 mph. Therefore, I urge my fellow Knights to do what they can to fight the snow. Protest it! Put your sleighs away and start hurling Molotov cocktails at snowmen! It’ll be so much fun!
STUDENT OF THE WEEK
Name: Lana Rose Levy Year: Sophomore Major: Communication Job: Sorority Girl Resides: North Jersey, N.J. Favorite Drink: The Dead Frog Food: Kosher Flakes...they’re great!!! Sports: Shoe Shopping Interests: Singing, hula-hooping, Ireland, brushing her teeth, Jersey Shore, her mommy <333
WHO? WHAT? WHAT ABOUT HER? On the outside, Lana is a beautiful, caring, and sweet girl that wants nothing more than to hang out with her friends. However, there is more than meets the eye to this Livingston survivor. Back home Lana enjoys trips to Shop Rite where she often buys packs of water that she keeps at exact room temperature. One day she plans to visit the Emerald Isle and buy a pet elephant. Upon returning home she will resume her normal, American life of tanning, styling her hair, and dressing up for parties. “I wear really big hoop earrings...but I’m not a whore.”
This Week at Rutgers...
How to Land Your Dream Internship Sounds like a scam to me. I know this guy who knew a guy that dated a girl that broke up with this guy that went to this last year and he said something about not getting paid to do work. Horseshit! Time: Thursday, 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. Place: Livingston Student Center
Responsible Drinking Happy Hour Yeah, good luck with this. I tried drinking responsibly once and now I have three kids, seven tattoos (all on my penis), and I’m $16,000 in debt to the British Navy. Time: Friday, 4 p.m. to 7 p.m. Place: Cook Cafe in Cook Campus Center
Free Cotton Candy Day!!! Cotton candy and sex!!! Sticky, sweet, fun-filled fun! There’s going to be clowns, monkeys, Tom Hanks, and best of all, I will be there helping to host this event! Make sure you sign up and send $1,000 via online check to the e-mail at the bottom of this page! Time: Sunday, 10 a.m. Place: Grease trucks parking lot
Once upon a time, a chicken found a dime, gave it to the rooster, the rooster said, “It’s mine.” events@themediumonline.com