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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLV Issue XIV
50¢
February 20th, 2013
SAY "NEIGH" TO FREE RANGE OPTIONS
Horse Meat found in Brower Burgers; "eh" say students BY Lil' Bit Managing Editor
BROWER COMMONS--University students were surprised but not shocked to learn that the packaged ground beef served in Brower Dining Hall has actually been rank, contaminated horse flesh for quite some time now. Despite it being significantly more costly and far less efficient, the dining commons has been outsourcing to British meat suppliers for years. When news of the contaminated meat surfaced in Europe, students and faculty immediately began pointing fingers at the Brower facilities. “I’ve been saying it for years about the meatloaf, it’s rat, it’s gotta be rat. But that was mostly because there’s usually a lot of small hairs in it,” said sophomore Lisa Turnbull. One anonymous administrator admitted that when beef shipments were delayed, University officials began taking
Personals Editor admits to not reading the personals section anymore WoW to shut downMarch 7th in anticipation of Cool Ranch Dorito Taco release Fraternities hold slave auditions
Bruce Willis' erection dies hard Market regulates self all night long matters into their own hands by slaughtering cows and eventually horses on Douglass Campus. “At first it just started out as a few of our own cows, just to meet the demand, and then
Not your usual "closet" joke!
okay, one or two horses might have slipped in there too. But the students loved it; we just figured, what the hell,” said a dining hall worker. Junior Phillip Bauer said that Continued on Page 2
Reaches fiscal cliff of pleasure; plummets like it was 2008 all over again. Sigh.
The Olympics cancels wrestling; gay porn enthusiasts outraged
read the medium instead!
Skeletons in Closet Making Apartment Smell Weird BY Satanic Yoda Staff WrITER
PISCATAWAY--Residents at 44 Sicard Street are complaining that their roommate, Michael Leary, has so many skeletons in his closet that their shared house is starting to reek of past-baggage and death. Medium reporters have learned that since the Rutgers School of Arts and Sciences sophomores moved into the house together last June, a noticeable odor has slowly been creeping out of Leary’s single room and the smell has been getting increasingly intense as the semester has gone on. Additionally, there seems to be an inverse relationship between the strength of the smell and how much Leary has shared with his housemates about his life before college.
quickies
Rising Textbook Costs Attributed to Magic Knowledge Tree Shortage BY Corridor Man News Editor
Omar Khan, another resident of 44 Sicard told The Medium: “While the rest of us in the house have become more open with each other about our pasts and shit we went through when we were younger, Mike has been oddly reclusive about it all. All we could get out of him was something about someone who died, we can’t get more out of him than that. Other than the
EW BRUNSWICK--RepresenN tatives from the official Rutgers University book store defended rising textbook prices yesterday, claiming that the high costs are representative of the current shortage of magic knowledge trees on which all textbooks are actually printed. "We at Rutgers pride ourselves on using only the finest printing methods and resources for our educational texts," said Barnes and Noble spokesperson Larry McDowdy. Finest indeed. The hundreds of dollars students spend each semester on books is thanks to the rare knowledge papyrus that can only be harvested at high expense from the forests of eastern Cambodia and in small pockets
Free TP Inside!
ESTABLISHED 1970
within the Icelandic frontiers. "The Magic Knowledge tree has been harvested for centuries. Most of its paper had been appropriated for toilet use, which explains much of human development up to this point," said anthropologist Dorian Doody. Printed on the he rarest and priciest of all paper, students can only expect textbook prices to rise as more and more trees are culled. Spokesperson McDowdy defended the paper's frequent use feverishly. "See, this is why online textbooks suck. Magic Knowledge Tree paper, bitches. Word! Have fun on ecollege. Sakai ain't got nothin' on us". As more and more texts switch to digital, IQ's are expected to drop dramatically.
the Medium
News
"That was the head of RUSA you just spilt your beer on"
DROP IT LIKE IT'S BACH
DOn't pa -tel anyone
Chemistry Student Feels Sudden Urge to Watch "Slumdog Millionaire"
Hunt for Murderous Grand Piano Ends in House Fire; Broken Keys BY EVERYDAY I'M TRUFFLIN' News Editor
RENTON, NJ--Residents of T the great state of California breathed a sigh of relief this weekend as the infamous Johnny “The Crusher” Baldwin, the Grand Piano that had haunted their state for generations, was finally out of their darkest dreams. “This is a great day not only for Californian’s, but the great United States of America as well,” said Big Bear Police Chief Howard Saturday in a formal statement released to the press. “We can now walk by skyscrapers in peace without fear of him falling on top of us. Let’s hope now he’s in a place where the only person he’s crushing is himself.” Police files attribute Baldwin to over 30 murders in the last 50 years; most recently he managed to sneak onto the scene of the hit flick Zombieland, where he fell on top of an innocent stunt double. The director thought it was actually part of the script and incorporated it into the movie with the quirky bit called “Zombie kill of the week”. The death of the stunt double was merely swept under the rug as an accidental heart attack. Sadistic cartoonists eventually warped Baldwin’s murders into funny cartoon scenes where the main character would pop up with a mouthful of piano keys after having one dropped
cally smell it,” he said. Nichols reported that when one front-row student raised his DOUGLASS--Sitting in his three-hour organic chemistry hand to ask a question, more lecture in Hickman Hall, sopho- scenes from the 2008 sleeper hit more Tom Nichols reported a came flooding back to him. “Remember at the end when sudden, overwhelming urge to view the Oscar winning film, they all started singing ‘Jai Ho’? I thought about it for the rest of “Slumdog Millionaire.” “I was just sitting there, tak- that class..I couldn’t get the song ing notes and listening to the out of my head.” At press time, Nichols was professor, and all of a sudden I started thinking about that scene sitting in his Africana Studies A crime scene photo detailing one of from the movie where everyone seminar, where he was reportis in the slums and they’re all edly overcome with the desire to Baldwin's most recent victims. covered in garbage. The memo- re-watch the 2010 film, “Lottery on his head. It may have been ry was so strong, I could practi- Ticket”. a hit elsewhere in the country, Real Advertisement but residents of California knew better. “As a kid growing up, my parents had forbidden me to watch any of the Warner Brothers cartoon shows,” said Big Bear resident Shelly Sheerholder. “They always had an episode on where someone, whether Tom the Cat, Yosemite Sam, or Wiley Coyote, was having an anvil or piano dropped on their head. I still don’t allow my kids to watch it.” Police believe Baldwin had constantly indulged in reconstructive surgery after his murders, essentially to stay one step ahead of local authorities from tracking him. Police also believe Baldwin died in a murder-suicide, after heralded police officer Christopher Dorner went in solo to track down the mad piano. By Lil' bit Managing Editor
Whorse Meat
Trapped in the closet
while he could tell that something was off about the burgers he had been consuming recently, the flavor wasn’t necessarily unappealing. “I mean yeah they tasted weird, but not in a totally bad way, you know? They’re just… tough. Tough and salty,” Bauer said. Bauer said that the knowledge that his burgers consisted of gristly, muscular horseflesh would not deter him from consuming them in the future. “Hey, it’s still better than the baked ziti, am I right?”
fact that his room smells like a fucking concentration camp crossed with what I imagine emotional abuse from your parents would smell like." Khan’s roommate echoed his observations. “It’s weird dude, we’d all love for him to come out of there and take some of whatever he’s carrying around with him off his shoulders. If it’s something about how his mom suddenly died before we moved in, he should feel okay to tell us. He doesn’t need to feel bad about how much he was picked on in school. But he
...continued from front
Editorial Staff Fall 2012
Wednesday, February 20th, 2013
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
...continued from front
Jordan Gochman Brianna Provenzano
Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch
should feel horrible about making our house reek. Every time I bring girls over to fuck they get grossed out saying it smells like dead bodies and unresolved teenage angst.” When Medium reporters attempted to contact Mr. Leary at his 2nd floor single room, he merely looked at us sadly and told us “You wouldn’t get it, no one would” while trying to conceal what looked like a skeleton in his narrow closet. Reporters also noted a conspicuous odors of a funeral home and severe emotional insecurity near the door to Mr. Leary’s room. Roommates are planning on
News Editors John Eberhardt Stewart Hallman Features Editor Eli Youssef Opinions Editor Devin Baker Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Adam Romatowski
methods of extracting more information from Mr. Leary in a desperate attempt to avoid wearing gas masks in their apartment. A leaked memo obtained by The Medium from an unnamed source in the house details the range of possible solutions under consideration from meeting with a school psychologist to waterboarding Mr. Leary until he finally talks. “This smell has seriously got to stop” said Khan.
RSC 4th Floor in the Cap and Skull room at 7:30 pm. Know what will be there? Us! Please Join... Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisors
Leif Tornberg Eber 'Heart' Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot Clown Wig
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to those lucky person(s) who bet the under on the amount of girls John Eberhardt talked to coherently over the weekend. You can collect your winnings during this week's meeting.
FArts
Wednesday, Febuary 20th, 2013
the Medium
“Features and Arts had a baby and made this page”
EXPLAINING IDIOMS TO A NON-NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER
A WISH COME TRUE
Someone stole my page, so I’ve been marginalized.Typical treatment of a missing Features Editor.
WINE & LIFESTYLE
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK
COOKING, WITH MAMA BROWER
Good Week
Tonight is grill night down at the ol’ slop shop I like to call Brower Commons, and have we got a menu for you! I hope you’re excited, because I’m about to take you on a journey your taste buds will never want to remember. We’ll start off with the appetizers, for which we have some fine deep-fried morsels of deliciousness that are created soggy and soft specifically with your delicate teeth in mind. These are followed by our main entree, a menagerie of grilled edibles, including hotdogs and hamburgers that I’m fairly certain contain almost no horse meat! What are they made of, then? Well, that’s a good question. I guess you’ll just have to come by and find out for yourself. And don’t think we forgot about you vegetarians. We’ve made sure to include a wide variety of non-animal based food-stuffs including coleslaw, salmon steaks, and french fries. For dessert we have the most succulent bundt cake that you’ve ever tasted, baked to a perfect dry texture that will remind you of the finest sandpaper to ever touch your lips- and leave you thirsting for our selection of quality Pepsi branded beverages. So swing on down for a good time and glamorous food that’s sure to get you saying “MMM-MMM,” as you force yourself to swallow the only nourisment available to you, because we’re all out of cereal and ice cream.
Guinea Pigs: A recent bill was passed in congress decreeing that all guinea pigs will be required to own adorable minature Chinese cars to ride around in as they Sweatshop travel about. Workers: The bill is expected to Due to sudden come into effect later increase in demand this year, giving pet owners ample for cheap plastic toy cars, time to adjust to the new law. many Chinese Sweatshop Now they won’t have workers are being forced to to get all tuckered out work longer hours for smaller crawling around on wages as production is ramped up to their poor old accomodate new demands. paws all day Suspicion of crimes against humanity long. has caused UN representatives to begin reviewing factory conditions throughout China, though many are hesistant to ruin the toy car economy.
NUMBERS WITH THE MEDIUM
500
6
Number of songs you actually listen to on your ipod, out of the 32,000 you have collected in the past years.
1 in 35,000
Odds of you seeing a pink elephant marching down College Ave today.
Bad Week
Number of hours the editor in chief will spend punching people once this issue is finished.
1
Days since the Medium Staff preformed a felony. A new record!
Wednesday, February 20th, 2012
MEET THE MEDIUM
“Its so much easier to edit your page high than when you are drunk.”
Jordan Gochman
Editor-in-Chief Clubs: ‘Special’ Band, Hair Club for Boys, Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Foreskin
Mr. Monkey’s Thi Adorable and N
Favorite Classes: AP Jewish
Brianna Provenzano Managing Editor Clubs: Future Sorority Leaders of America, The Les’bri’an Society
Brianna is very popular with students and teachers alike. She likes to stay late after school every day with science teacher Mr. Roman who drives her home in his car.
Krupa Patel
Business Manager Clubs: Rutgers University Student Assholes, Sexiled Roommates Anonymous
Krupa has made a guest appearance on Honey Boo Boo. She robs Legos from kids in her spare time and eats chalk. She is doomed to be forever alone and awkward. Please call 1800-KRUPA-NEEDS-YOU.
Kristen Cignavitch
Head Writer Clubs: Perfect Attendance Club, Cat Appreciation Society Favorite Classes: AP Science for Smart People Who are Good at Science and Stuff
Stewart Hallman News Editor
Quote: “I’m a gangster, and gangsters don’t ask questions.” - Ghandi Stewart has repeated the third grade five times, not because he is a bad student but because he has a crippling addiction to stick glue.
John Eberhardt News Editor
Favorite Class: AP Virginity Clubs: The Society for the Advancement of Husky Men (Founder and President for Life)
Safety Patrol Brianna Provenzano: Head of Safety Patrol Jordan Gochman: Captain of Safety Patrol Krupa Patel: Joint Chief of Safety Patrol Kristen Cignavitch: Ambassador to 2nd Grade
MEET THE MEDIUM
Wednesday, February 20th, 2013
“Yes, but you edit the back page.”
ird Grade Class of Normal Children
Danielle Oyales
Arts Editor Clubs: Sticker Collecting Club, Oboe Club
Danielle is an outgoing collector of herbs and black magic antiquities. She strives for success in the fields of adhesives because she believes that stickers and tape are what bring people together. She carries around dolls that resemble her peers on a daily basis. Each day is a different doll.
Devin Baker Opinions Editor
Clubs: Future (And Current) Bakers of America, The Cookie Society, Future Pundits of America, Mascot Club Favorite Classes: AP Fruits and Vegetables, Remedial Physics
Eli Youssef
Features Editor Clubs: Lost and Found (Not actually a club; likes to stand next to the box)
Leif Tornberg
Eli is in charge of taking care of the class hamster which has not been in the classroom for three weeks. Eli claims he sent the hamster on a cruise and there was a fire in the engine room so it will be a while before it gets back.
Backpage Editor
Mike Lazaropoulous
Clubs: The Naptime Society, Students Against Backpacks
Personals Editor Clubs: Decisions Involving Curious Kids, Racewalking Team Captain (...and solo participant)
Always a sterling scholar, Mr. Tornberg is well known throughout the school for his ability to sleep with his eyes open. He also hasn’t moved from his desk in three months and is beginning to smell.
Favorite Class: AP Hallway
Adam RomatowsPersonals Editor
Quotes: “If you’re not cheating on your girlfriend, you’re not living.” He gets beat up before school. Never after school. You wouldn’t want to mess with him up after school.
the Medium
OP/ED
“Ryan, I want to pet your dog Max.”
featured commentary
From Books To Backboard: It’s Okay To Be Asian and Fail BY JEREMY LIN
I was not always the man you see today. There was once a time when I didn’t carry the world of basketball on my 6’ 3’’ muscular shoulders. Years ago I was just an average Joe who didn’t have any direction. I am here today to tell you that it is alright to be Asian and fail. Just like many Asians out there, I grew up in a strict home where I had to study for an average of six hours a day and eat nothing but white rice. It was not a fun life until I discovered basketball. A couple nights a week I would sneak out past my 8 P.M. bedtime to play with a couple friends at the local court. Soon enough I told my father I was ready to join my high school team. Like many Asian parents he responded: “I forbid you to participate in this foolish game of ball in hoop. You will bring
Wednesday, February 20th 2013
great dishonor to your famiry. You must follow the path of the doctor.” I end up joining. Like I’m gonna let an old Chinese man tell me what to do. Senior year came around and I was hoping that I would receive an athletic scholarship to one of my dream schools, Stanford and
I eventually graduated Harvard (not at the top of my class) and thought I would get a spot in the NBA. But guess what? Once again, it was another let down. Eventually I reached a deal with the Golden State Warriors which led to my success on the New York Knicks and eventually the Houston Rockets but that’s not “Getting a B+ in important. The point of all of organic chemistry this is that just because is not the end of the you are Asian does not mean you have to allow world.” stereotypes and “round eyes” to bring you down. UCLA. They both shot If you are going to fail me down. I cried myself then fail with pride, even to sleep that night. I had if that means being disto go to Harvard. Yes, I owned by your loved know, quite disappoint- ones. If you don’t want ing. Me, an Asian, has to be a doctor or an engifailed. Does anyone even neer then don’t. Getting know that Harvard has a a B+ in organic chemisbasketball team? Yea, I try is not the end of the didn’t know students at world. Even though all Harvard participated in of you are pretty short, any type of physical ac- one of you could be the tivity at all. next Jeremy Lin.
advice
Ask a Hot Girl Sitting Next To a Homeless Guy
Dear hot girl sitting next to a homeless guy, My girlfriend and I have been dating for about three months now and while things have been going great, I feel like it’s been almost too good. We have yet to have a serious fight and I was just wondering if this is normal for young couples like ourselves. Either she is not telling me everything or I’m just not catching on to her “signals”. This is my first real relationship and I definitely do not want to mess this up but I feel clueless to some extent. How am I supposed to learn if my girlfriend won’t tell me what is on her mind or if anything is wrong? Do you have any advice for someone in my position? -Troubled in Teaneck
Awww, you guys are so cute! Wow, three months and no fights whatsoever? She sounds like a keeper. For starters, I will tell you that…OH MY GOD, who is this man? I’m sitting here by myself, waiting for the bus and this homeless guy just comes on over and sits next to me. I bet he doesn’t even have money for the bus. He probably just stare me down. What a pervert. Beautiful women like myself should not have to worry about being terrorized by men like this. Just unbelievable. Any ways, where was I? Oh right. I can tell you from experience that all relationships have their ups and do…alright now he’s trying to talk me. Don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact! No, I don’t have drug money for you! Now leave me alone! I don’t care if you’ll work for food. Oh so now I’m the selfish one cause I won’t hand over my spare change? Go get a job you creepy old man. Let’s get back on track. I suggest you talk to your girlfriend and explain to her that you are concerned with her not telling you…seriously? Now he’s fighting a stray dog for a piece of a turkey sandwich. If you put a scratch on that poor dog I will call the cops right now and have your ass arrested. You can get a good meal in jail, bitch. I gotta get out of here. I can’t deal with this homeless guy anymore.
ETHICAL QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Your best friend gets bitten by a zombie thus turning into a zombie. Do you kill your best friend? NO
BY KELLY BRINKLEBERRY
Are you insane? How could anyone in their right mind kill their own best friend? Yea sure, they aren’t exactly the same person that they were before but deep down they are still your best friend. I think a more humane way of dealing with this situation is to lock up your companion in some sort of cage. That way you won’t have to worry about them trying to eat your brains out. You can live a nice peaceful life with your good friend and not feel tempted to blow their head off.
YES
BY DARRYL HICKSTON
It’s all about survival of the fittest. I don’t give a shit that my “best friend” is the one who is the zombie. I will shoot any zombie any day. People act all emotional during these times of crisis but that is what gets you killed. If everyone is gonna act like a huge pussy then I might as well shoot them all. I mean, they will eventually turn into a zombie so I should just end their poor and miserable lives right now. I don’t got time for people who are going to slow me down.
university voices
What do you think about the new Rutgers movie theater? “I just love it. I saw Twilight the first week it opened. TEAM EDWARD!” Mandy Brooker, Twihard Sophomore “NO WAY! There is a movie theater right here at Rutgers?” Timothy Hooligan, Oblivious Freshman
“Screw movie theaters. It’s all about those torrents.” Connor Piller, Master Hacker Junior
the Medium HOUSING HATE It feels good when rutgers housing gives you the power to fuck over your friend’s best friend, especially when its someone you couldnt care less about. ha....ha......ha.... :)
Personals
Wednesday, February 20th 2013
“You spend a lot of time thinking when you’re on a farm, and then a lot of time repressing those thoughts””
1.0 GPA
For the fucking asshole at the Art Library reference desk: when I asked you if I could reserve books here, you asked me if I meant the books in this library. What fucking other books am I going to (Rutgers Housing. Help- ask for? The Alex Library ing you destroy friendships books? No fucktard. Lets since 1766.) use some fucking comTo the guy upstairs mon sense. Maybe if you whose doing dorm room picked up one of these workouts. Enough with books in here you’d learn the fucking jumping a damn thing or two. jacks! The vibration from And by the way, you your massive fat ass load also asked me if I wanted is shaking the entire cam- “books” here. No fuckpus. Also, I can hear your face, I clearly came to disgruntaled gasps for the library for a chicken air as you attempt cardio. sandwich. How the fuck did you get a job working (If he keeps this up, I think here? Shouldn’t people China is in for another working in a library be intelligent? HOLY FUCKearthquake.) ING SHIT. I come back from the weekend just to have my (Da facque isa “book”?) room smell like sweat to the dumbass next door, and vaginal fluid. Oh yes we do have school on how I love my roommate presidents day. its college and her post-valentine deal with it hookups. (I don’t care if Rutgers (I think we all enjoyed your doesn’t observe President’s roommates post-Valentine Day. I celebrate that holiday every day that I don’t have hookups.) an exam.) To the people and RA of my hall, I am not doing To the chick in my literaa Harlem Shake video so ture class - I don’t know stop asking me to be the how old you are, but editor. I really don’t feel clearly you are bringlike contributing to the ing up shit the rest of depravity of the intellec- us know nothing about. tual prescense of the in- And you will go on tanternet. gents about the books we are reading with our pro(I didn’t know that the infessor for twenty straight ternet had an intellectual minutes. No wonder prescense to begin with. we are fucking behind. Have you seen the shit on Can you please shut the 4chan?) fuck up? You are just so I love how rutgers like damned irritating that to make tuition low, but I even get excited when then make the only tol- you don’t come to class. erable housing options You need to calm the fuck bloody ass expensive. My down about these books, lottery is worthless now. it isn’t that serious. (I never take books that se(Have fun getting syphilis riously. However, my orgo in the Quads again. I’ll be book is a great place to hide busy enjoying peace and my freaky tentacle porn.) quiet in Livi apartments. SENIORITY POINTS To RUDOTS: Thanks for FTW.) closing off easton ave To the whatever-the- deck to all guests. Go fuck-race-you-are clean- screw yourselves. You ing lady thats been vacu- and that director who uming my floor for the makes snide ass comlast 30 minutes. The floor ments whenever I’m tryis clean enough, so pow- ing to ask a question. “If erdown your livelihood you insist on parking and be quiet, im pretend- where you want you’re going to pay for that priving to study. ilege” is her catchphrase. (Nien hablo *click click* Look for it the next time saesneg.) you call.
#1 FAN Dear editor I used to think you were an awful piece of shit with nothing to contribute to the personals. Then last week you threw in a 'Fuck Tucker Tucker sucks' and I realized at least you have good taste. Every other comment I've ever seen you answer a personal with though has just been trash. Please stay off the personal page and stay in your dorm room jerking off on chatroullete like we all know you're best at. Oh and to the girl who hugged Stan at the first Livingston stop on Valentine's Day. Damnnn Stan is a lucky man. (Awh, you’re such a sweetie. Keep writing my personals sexy man. And yeah Stan gets all the pussy on Valentine’s Day don’t you know that.) This newspaper makes me so happy to realize that other people experience the assholes I come into contact with EVERY FUCKING DAY. (The same assholes as other people? Sounds kinky.)
BUSY BUSSES
TAG TEAM THIS BITCH! So a lot of you fart fuckers didn’t send in personals. Maybe you sent them to the wrong editor, again. Since you’re dyslxeic, the email is themedium.personals@gmail.com. Just to keep you guys interested, here’s a challenge. Try to guess the punchline of this really bad joke. “Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg?” Send us your answers, or send us fuckin anything. Cause it gets us off when you do.
CHICKS MAN
F-F-F-FUCKERS
To the feminist BITCH with the really red lipstick - you always look like you have just sucked on ten lemons with that puss look on your face. You think you are hot shit but you clearly are not. You look like a fat pig who tried to put red lipstick on. PS - your badly dyed hair doesn’t help you either. You look like a trashy version of Ariel from The Little Mermaid.
To the bitch who wouldn’t get off the machine I wanted at the gym: I was alright with the fact that you were using it, I was even alright with the 30 minute unecessarry warm-up you did before, but when I tried to ask you if I could do a quick set and you put your finger in my face, I wish every plague and pain on Earth upon you. I hope you get crushed by the fucking weights, hell, (How is Ariel not trashy al- I hope your puppy gets ready? She hangs out with AIDS and painfully dies. dudes all day wearing noth- If you walk past me while ing but shells over her tits. I’m ever driving around But who am I kidding, Ar- campus, I swear, I’ll hit iel is a hot chick that can’t 0-60 mph right over your speak. That’s the dream.) rude ass.
To the big-titted brown bitch at work: I can’t Of all the seats open on believe you asked my the Weekend 2 bus, all, homeboy to go home and I mean ALL of the with you from the bar homeless people chose and then didn’t even to sit right fucking next want to suck his dick or to me. WHY. WHAT anything. You must be THE FUCK DID I DO TO one prude-ass hoe! DESERVE THIS. I know you can't help it because (Hey man, some nights youre all homeless but you’re just down on your you all smell like five luck. But when my balls are week old cat piss. And blue, I go to New Brunsthe fucker to the right of wick’s most trusted prosme, MOVE THE FUCK titute, “Suck-for-a-Buck” OVER AND STOP STAR- girl!) ING AT ME. You have all to the guy walking his the room in the world on mini husky on college this bus. Move on JUST ave, you’re getting all AN INCH SO I CAN kinds of laid tonight BREATHE. (Owning a mini husky is (Change? Ya got any just compensating for a notchange? Spare some change? so-husky dick.) Change. CHAAAAANGE.) That horribly awkward To the F bus driver who moment when you put got off the bus and called on your twitter somesomeone saying that she one cheated on their everycouldnt do it anymore, girlfriend...and one sees...and it wasn't and that this bus route was not "who she was in- intended for twitter at side", you made my day all. And that not so awkso much more entertain- ward moment when you kind of dont even care. ing. #ohfuckingwell
(If there was ever a reason to smack a bitch, this is it bro.) I thought I was done with expos last fucking semester. Yet everywhere I fucking go, I see my stupid fucking professor. I swear this bastard is following me. Like it is just not a coincidence anymore. You look like a squashed raisin, and its weird. (He is watching you right now...and enjoying the view.) SOMEONE TELL ME WHY THE DCC IS ALWAYS OUT OF MARINARA SAUCE AT UNO PIZZA. WHY. CAN'T YOU FUCKERS STOCK UP ON THAT SHIT SINCE YOU CLEARLY RUN OUT ALL OF THE DAMN TIME. (Budget cuts. Rutgers needed to cut back on its marinara sauce so it can leave more students unprepared for the workforce by building the New Mason Gross Center.)
The Back Page
Wednesday February 20th, 2013
“Fuck all ‘yall...it’s my birthday.....and I’m drunk”
Hash Food of the Week: Cinna Blunts
Film: Adjusted
By Supa Krupa Troop (Bidness Manager) and Weezy F Baby (Apprentice Noob)
What’s Shakin’?
Do you like cinnamon rolls? Do you like blunts?! Here’s a variation of grandma’s old recipe to satisfy both needs!
Tonight at 7:30 PM Medium Meeting @ CAC Student Center Room 439 Free beer.....if you bring it
• • • • • •
February 21 at 7:30 PM Seth Meyers @ State Theatre Only come if you want to laugh. At Your Convenience Give Blumpkin a Blumpkin @ 11 Union: ask for Blumpkin Please give him a bj... he needs it.
First ya want to roll your dough into 2 rectangles, 12” by 5”, then ya wanna slather cannabis butter, sugar and cinnamon onto the dough. Make sure to be generous with the cannabis butter—Paula Deen style!
All The Time Party in Jon Kijne’s pants @ 167 Hamilton Why must you make him wait so long?
Useless Review of the Week BY LIL BITch
Tribe Origins brand hummus TM
1 loaf frozen bread dough (thawed) 2 sticks cannabis butter 2/3 cup brown sugar 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/3 cup heavy cream 2/3 cup confectioners’ sugar
Roll the dough up so it looks like a log then cut it every 4 inches so it looks like a blunt (because, after all, that’s what it’s supposed to look like). While the blunts bake at 350° for 25 minutes, mix the heavy cream and confectioners’ sugar to make the frosting. This will be sure to attack that sweet tooth, but you’ll be too high to even notice. Frost the blunts once they’ve cooled!
“Winter is cumming”
Connect The Dots
Make your own connect the dots. Blindfold yourself and then start dotting this area. Then, number the dots to create a picture. If you actually send your dots to themedium.backpage@gmail.com I’ll connect your dots and display it on this page.
This recipe was inspired by cute, little, old grandmas all over the world! It’s a spinoff of the traditional cinnamon bun but way better. I’m sure grannies will be glad that kids these days are trying to imitate their cooking…though they’ll probably be pissed that we’re actually getting high off of these instead of simply getting a sugar rush. Oh well! Also, make sure you wash down your cinna blunt with an ice cold glass of milk for your daily dose of vitamin D!
Tribe Origins? More like Tribe BORE-igins. This chickpeabased hummus spread is a zesty faceplant. Out of all the many varieties of hummi on the shelves, this one falls the flattest. While it tries hard, this bland salsa wannabe can barely keep up with its more flavorful Middle-Eastern competitor, babaghanoush. The lack of an exotic name, and the texture of confused oatmeal, leaves much to be desired amoung the people who savor this pasty substance. Overall this product fails to excite or captivate the tastebuds of the poor souls who have attempted to find joy in eatting this fucking shit. Tribe Origins brand hummus gets one star for simply trying.
Hipster Tattoo Bingo BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN
Play Bingo during your day with the tattoos that hipsters have Full sleeve
Swallow
Octopus
Mustache
Lyrics
Asian Characters
Schooner Ships
Both Arms
Flower
“Inspirational” Quotes
Someone’s name
Tree
Free space because fuck you
Random Shapes
Useless object, ie. Toaster
Obscure Religious Symbol
A Dolphin That was Supposed To Be Something Else Food
Feather
Animals
Tatoos They Made Themselves
Band Name
Mix Tape
Landscape
Tribal