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FEBRUARY 22nd, 2017
Volume LIII Issue X 50¢ EVEN ISIS WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH US
ISIS DECIDES TO SPARE AMERICA CLAIMING IT’S ALREADY FUCKED GRIND ALL DOES THE SHITTY THING
WASHINGTON D.C. -- In a leaked video showing a secret meeting between leaders of the radical Islamic terrorist group ISIS, the group declared that they would be leaving America out of their quest for complete destruction of the world. The video showed leader Saajid Yousif stating that ever since Trump’s election the country has been falling apart all without any influence from the outside world. “Look at them!” cried Yousif. “They’re a fucking mess. Not only are there protests every goddamned day but they couldn’t even give Beyonce the record of the year at the
Fab English Major Prefers Glamour Over Grammar It's A Left Heavy Day on Tinder Someone Give Me a Quickie (Like the Sex Kind)
"THEY'RE SUPER FUCKED" ISIS leader Saajid Yousif decides to leave America alone after tumultulous first month of Trump's presidency
Grammy’s! That place is going to shit all by itself, we should focus our attention elsewhere”. This declaration comes after the first turbulent month of
Trump’s presidency. Since taking office Trump has attempted to issue a travel ban on Muslims, start a war with the press, and Continued on Page 2
FROLIC BITCHES
Students Frolic in Construction Sites During Warm Weather RADIO RAHEEM DOES THE RIGHT THING
NEW BRUNSWICK—The unseasonably warm weather has cheered up many students who have been struggling through midterms this week. Some students have taken the opportunity to go outside, enjoy some fresh air, and frolic among the many construction sites on campus. "I love the smell of sunshine and fresh air," says freshman biology major Catherine Barnett. She then closed her eyes and took a deep breath of fresh air, all whilst standing on top of a mound of dirt on Busch campus surrounded by chain link fence and orange cones. "I am in love with this weather. The breeze feels lovely and it's finally warm.
QUICKIES
BLM Activists Rally Outside Local White Castle Medium Writer Actually Thinks of Something Funny Unpopular Opinion: Livi Dining Hall Is The Worst
It feels like spring!" As the gentle breeze blew a fine, red-brown layer of dust from the incomplete construction project into Barnett's hair, she
pranced over to go and climb a nearby JCB tractor. According to Barnett, climbing trees has always been one of her favorite Continued on Page 2
WUBALUBADUBIN Since 1970
Hilter's Phone Sold at Auction, Bannon Upset Contacts Can't Be Transferred
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NEWS
“How's your Tinder day going?”
GOT SOME CREEPERS
Missed Connections
ANOTHER JEW DOES THAT YIDDISH THING
In an interview Bob said he was thinking "Oh, she probably NEW BRUNSWICK -- On Friday a boy and girl were reportedly thinks I'm weird, crap, shit". The unfortunate exchange looking at each other across the was seen by a handful of bus. But like it’s not the sexual tension kind of staring it’s just students waiting for a LX. "You could just feel the awkward. Witness reports say Bob awkwardness" said one student. was on the bus when he saw that "I really felt for the guy, but that girl that like he kind of knows chick was super into her own by the bus stop and immedietly world, wasn't noticing anyone" got the look of "Fuck.. Ok, you M e a n w h i l e … B e t t y got this dude just be calm" on seemed to be a totally different story. Betty just got out of bed his face. A moment later Bob looks at and seemed tired and not really the familiar Girl, Betty (multiple giving a shit cause she’s actually sources confirm that this was her pretty fucking cool. Oh did name), and vaguely smiles but you expect this to be the kind then halfway through smiling of situation where like the guy realizes she’s not looking back thinks everyone thinks he’s and stops smiling and just looks weird and so does the girl? Hah away. Everyone around could sucks, get your inspiration porn elsewhere. feel the awkwardness.
break ties with important allies. The most recent scandal shows Trump citing a Fox News story during a press conference which falsely claimed that Sweden was under distress from taking in too many immigrants. The statement caused uproar from Swedish government officials who attacked the statements false merits while the rest of the world laughed at the elected American leader for being so, so stupid. “They are ruining themselves,” continued Yousif. “I mean do they really think that a guy who listens to Fox News is going to lead them to the promise land? I mean we’re pretty radical but we can fucking see how stupid Fox News is- they’re going down with or without us, why exhaust ourselves?” This video very obviously comes as a shock to most of America. “How could they not want to
KEEPING YOU SAFE
University Health Services Unveils New Campaign "Keep the Streets Safe" University's efforts, "Honey, the streets aren't safe. You got your NEW BRUNSWICK -- Last Herpes Simplex, you got your Friday, employees from Rutgers Chlamydia, then you got your Health Services distributed big leagues Syphilis and HIV. condoms throughout the streets What we're here for is to keep of the College Avenue campus these sly little buggers off the as a part of their new "Street streets, plain and simple. Just Safety" initiative. This action wrap it before you tap it, and was started in an effort to "keep you're safe honey." With cuffing season under the streets safe" after a string of way and short spurts of warm incidents led the University to decide that the streets just aren't weather, there is sure to be lots of action in the streets. The safe enough. A Medium representative Medium expects that the new reached out to Rutgers Health initiative will make the streets Services and spoke with a a safer place for those involved representative of the Safe in such activities and even those Streets, Safe Sex committee. who aren't. Just remember to be Committee member Sheila cautious when hitting the streets Brown had this to say about the or hitting it on the streets and NIFTY KNITTER DOES THE AIDS THING
FROLIC BITHCES ...continued from front
fuck us up?!” cried internet chat room user Dikzout4Harambe. “America’s the center of this fucking planet! How could they not care about us?!” While most American’s reactions have shown to agree with Dikzout4Harambe the rest of the world seems to understand ISIS’s point of view. Tweets from countries such as Ireland, Japan, and Australia show how the rest the world has responded to the news. “Honestly same ISIS America’s a MESS #beyhive” said a tweet from Irish user @ KellyStone which then went viral being retweeted over 2,000 times. President Trump has yet to formally address the video but sent out a tweet at 3:05 am last night saying "ISIS is just playing hard to get! We will continue to make America great again! And ISIS will be begging to be destroyed by us!
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager SPRING 2017 Mascot
Editorial Staff
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IT'S SO NICE OUT!
ISIS LEAVES AMERICA ON READ ISIS
Wednesday,February 22nd
Sifat Mahbub Andrew Blustein
Andrew Blustein Fratypus
springtime activities. However, on a day as nice as this, she would happily settle for some heavy machinery that isn't being used to construct anything. "It's supposed to be nice all week," Barnett says, tapping her shoes together to knock off the thin layer of caked on clay. "I'll probably be out here with friends all week! Tomorrow, we're going to throw the frisbee
...continued from front
around all those industrial pumps and piping equipment. I can't wait!" All over campus, students are sharing similar stories of warm-weather joy while they play on unused construction equipment. Rutgers planning officials are optimistic that the construction sites will be around for students to enjoy for years to come.
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY PARENTS DIVORCED BECAUSE I'M A SHITTY CHILD? COME TO OUR MEETINGS! WEDNESDAYS IN THE RSC AT 7:45 PM RM 411B
News Editors Aly Grindall James Mullen III Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Michael Okolo Personals Editor Rob Sanchez Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Marissa Schwartz
Sports Editor Kevin McClintock Copy Editor Evan Hutchins Jonathan Holzsager Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Milo Ya-something
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to our resident douche: all the fuck bois of 2017
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
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“If we go out, you’re gonna have to pretend to be an Ethiopian Jew”
THE BIG WHITE SCREEN
New Years Resolutions: Where are They Now?
GOOD TO BE BACK
Bridal Announcements and Simchas BY Bubbe Rose
BY Nifty Knitter
Mazel tov! Nachas!
Stop eating junk-This one was found cowering behind the two boxes of oreos in the pantry.
It is my pleasure to announce the happy union of my grand-bubbalah Rachel and her handsome African prince, Roy. Once she told me she found her perfect match, I was faklempt. I am so excited for the happy couple to start cranking out beautiful bronze babies and make me a great-grandbubbe. And to you Jacob, you need to catch up to your sister! I will financially support your J-Date account if that’s what it will take.
Exercise more-Curled up in the gym bag, under the bed, behind the dusty hairballs from last semester and three weeks worth of dirty clothes. Switch up positions in intercourse with boyfriend-Hidden under the deep-seated fear that if you do anal, you will lose control of her sphincter permanently. Stop procrastinating homework-Tucked into the depths of the textbook you never opened, under your X-box in the bottom of your TV console. Leave my room more-Still in my room. Masturbate less-Crusted onto a pile of dirty socks.
PRODUCT OF THE WEEK
PLACE YOUR BETS LADIES AND LADS
The Medium is now taking bets on an over/under: How many days will it take for the first hate crime at the new Hillel? Send bets (and nudes) to The Medium’s Twitter @TheMediumRU
H2WOAH
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES FROM YOUR DRUNK UNCLE “Science is the great antidote to the poison of enthusiasm and superstition, and republicans.” Cappuccino chips—for when you don’t have time for Starbucks, but you still wanna hate your basic self.
Adam “Invisible Wedgie” Smith
REAL MOVIE, FAKE SYNOPSIS Get Out By Girl Who Likes Brower It’s about time that gays are integrated into all movie genres besides rom-coms and dramas centered around AIDS or sexual deviation. In this new horror movie, gays are finally the victim. The movie opens with a pan shot into what appears to be an teenager’s bedroom. The shot focuses on a collage of Cher, Ariana Grande and unicorns. Then, from behind the closet door, Leslie Jordan from the gay cult-classic series Will & Grace shares a devilish grin. The storyline continues as closet-
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2017
“No internet week 4: We’re off the derech.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Do you go socks on or off during sex? “Off, I have really sweaty feet. ”
Allison Gremlin Has to put her shoes in the freezer.
“On, but only if her first name starts with a D.” Michael Ohkacola D is for dick, kids.
“Off, I love footjobs and I can’t take that socky friction.”
Robert Dorvil Stopped and restarted this sentence. MAYBE, MAYBE NOT, MAYBE GO...EH WHATEVER.
I AM VERY INDECISIVE. BY LANDEN NEFTALI
I have no opinions at all. Not a single one. I am your worst friend for that exact reason. Not because I’m unloyal or untrustworthy, but because when you say to me, “Hey Landen, do you want to get some food tonight?” I’ll shrug. I won’t give you a definite answer, because honestly, I don’t know if I want to get food or not. Am I hungry? Maybe, it’s possible but I just don’t really know. Let’s make it easier though, you convinced me that I do want food, my body is hungry. Please, come to me with a bunch of different places to order from. Sanctuary, RU Hungry, PJs, hell, throw Papa Johns in there too. Ask me if I want any of them, go ahead, do it. And guess what I already know the answer. I’m going to shrug again, and say I don’t know, let’s just get some food, maybe. You might call me out on my neutrality, you’ll get annoyed and say to me, “Damn Landen, you honestly have no opinions one way or the other.” And guess what? I might agree with you when you say that, but at the same time I might not. I’ll probably just shrug at you and say meh. It’s possible you’re right, I don’t really know. I’m awful for planning things because I’ll never give you an answer that results in a decision. Instead I’ll just shrug and say, maybe. Hopefully someone else in our friend group is a decisive person because otherwise we will spend all day and all night never coming up with anything to do, because if it’s left up to me, we’re going to shrug until we die.
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT’S ME-DIUM.
JUDY BLUME IS A FUCKING PERVERT. BY VERONICA URINOG
Let’s just get right down to business. You remember Judy Blume? That great children’s author who told you why it wasn’t your fault that your parents were getting a divorce and that they still loved you? The one who had all those books with the kid holding out a hand with something in it? You remember her now? Good. Before I continue, I just want you to know, it actually is your fault your parents got a divorce. You drove them apart, but I digress. Judy Blume is a fucking pervert. It’s simple as that. Think about all the books she wrote: Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret, Deenie, and Then Again, Maybe I Won’t and a bunch more that I don’t fucking remember now, something about Fudge maybe. Anyway, what are those books about? Any chance you remember? Well if you don’t, I do. Those books are about a menstruation and masturbation. Not just anyone one masturbating or menstruating though. That would be somewhat normal. No, Judy Blume writes about kids masturbating and having their periods. Seriously, she writes about kids jerking off, wrestling the one eyed snake, spanking the monkey. Is that normal? No, not at all. You know the person really flicking the bean to those books is Judy herself. She absolutely gets off to writing about children touching themselves. It’s fucking revolting. Judy Blume is a revolting person and she should be locked up. I mean it, what is the difference between Judy Blume and someone like Jared for Subway? She jerks off to kids, he jerks off to kids. There’s no difference. She writes shitty literotica, that’s what she does. Let’s not pretend that she is some great children’s writer. She’s a fucking pervert and she should be labeled as the pedophile she is.
The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Send your hate mail to not me. We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com And if you see us on Tinder? Super like us or swipe right.
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2017
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ARTS
“If we’re gonna print my dick we’re gonna need more toner.”
“I KILLED THAT EXAM’’ BY DICK TONER
“DICK OF THE WEEK” BY MIKE HAWK
LIKE HOW I DRAW MY DICKS? COME TO THE MEDIUM ON WEDNESDAYS IN THE COLLEGE AVENUE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 411B AT 7:45PM! YOU CAN COME SEE MINE IN PERSON ;)
“THE FLASHBACK EP. 4” BY SWOLE MIKE
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PERSONALS
the Medium
“The pioneers used to ride these babies for miles!”
DO YOU SMELL IT?
THAT SMELL
A KIND OF SMELLY
Do you think Bruno Mars is our Elvis?
I ate a sandwich on the bus and I couldn’t tell if it was weird or not because I got on the bus and not that many people were on it, and then the next stop a lot of people got on and all of the two seaters got filled and I was the only one sitting alone.
My roommate snores louder than the screams in Auschwitz.
(Everyone loved Elvis. Way more popular and way less hated. Do you think Bruno Mars will have a channel on Sirius XM in 50 years? Cus Elvis does. So no. I do not think that.)
(Also, did you know there is a floor in Elvis’s house only like 4 people have seen and one of them is Nicholas Cage. And that he died on the toilet from a brain aneurysm. And that he probably crushed so much 1950s bush. What a guy.) Gotta love deliberately lying to your superiors.
(It’s not a lie, if you believe it.) I don’t like tuna. (What has tuna ever done to you? Tuna melt with tomato and hot sauce is the new wave. Send your tastebuds on a wild adventure they never come back from.)
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2017
(Haha, the sandwich alienated you. Also what kind? Where was it from? Where were you going? I have so many questions.) I hate being hated by Middle Easterners because that hate is very fueled hatred. Like douchebag move by me to reach onto this unsuspecting table of Iranians to swipe a beer but then they all judge me like I just anally banged the Virgin Mary. (You have disrespected their entire families. You shall now be executed.)
YOU CATCH MORE FLIES WITH HONEY, BUT YOU CATCH MORE HONEYS BEING FLY
themedium.personals@gmail.com
SMELL. THE SMELLY SMELL
(That’s pretty loud. You should probably set him on fire.)
Remember when that random fish threw some serious shade at Mr. Krabs?
(I once saw some guy on the street and I couldn’t tell if he was a Harlem Globetrotter or just a colorfully dressed basketball player talking to himself.)
WELL MAYBE WE WOULDN’T SOUND SO BAD IF SOME PEOPLE DIDN’T TRY PLAYING WITH BIG MEATY CLAWS!
The Harlem Globetrotters could probably beat some NBA teams.
What the fuck do box tops do? (I hardcore collected box tops when I was younger. I remember the homeroom with the most box tops would get a fucking pizza party so I would force my mom to buy Cheerios over Rice Krispies because General Mills had box tops and Kellogg’s didn’t cus they were monsters. I never did get that pizza party cus I went to school with a bunch of fucking bums.)
THAT SMELLS...
...SMELLY
Would somebody with a February 29th birthday look 5 but act 20?
I saw a girl in Brower dump salt and pepper in her tall glass of milk, drink it and immediately spit it out.
I like Brower.
(I don’t know, probably. How funny would it be to be born on a day that only comes once every four years. Those people must have a good sense of humor.)
(When did someone scrape your tastebuds out of your mouth?)
I like my girls like I like my coffee. Black and not talking.
I plan my future with every hot girl I see.
(I like my girls like I like my cigarettes. Hot and in my mouth.)
(Best case scenario, they’re all mormons and are all really into you. Worst case scenario, none of them like you and now you have twelve different down payments on houses you have no use for.)
(I like my girls like I like my books. Dumb and easy to read.)
(Obviously, what would you expect. She used all of the wrong condiments. She should have used cayenne pepper, oregeno and horseradish. And instead of milk, use orange juice. 10/10 would recommend.) I heard some kid talking about how he never throws up at parties, 10 minutes after I saw him throw up. (Lol, that was totally me. Nah just kidding, I’ve been puke free since ‘93, man.)
My gender studies professor tried to be politically neutral for five minutes. She couldn’t do it. (This is not surprising.) What the fuck did Mr. Krabs fuck to procreate a fucking whale?
If you think you’re fly, come to our meetings on Wednesday’s, 7:45pm at the RSC room 411B, we’ve got a lot of honey.
(These are the questions people need to be asking. Maybe Mrs. Krabs is just another fucking whale which means Mr. Krabs has the biggest game in all of Bikini Bottom. I also wouldn’t be surprised if the Krabster and Sandy were getting it on in the back, Sandy was a whore. Crab + Squirrel = Whale? Also, weren’t Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff an item at one point? Maybe one night back in the day, Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff had one too many kelp juices and made a whale. That’s why Mrs. Puff hates Spongebob because he works for her baby daddy!)
DON’T FORGET TO SEND ME YOUR PERSONALS, CUS I’M REALLY TIRED OF MAKING ALL OF THESE UP MYSELF. I HAVE OTHER THINGS THAT I COULD BE DOING ON MONDAY NIGHTS LIKE WATCHING MADISON IVY STAR IN THAT NEW MELANIA TRUMP PORNO. YOU’RE WELCOME EVERYBODY FOR LETTING YOU KNOW THAT IS A THING.
Wednesday February 22nd, 2017
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NASA PLANS TO LAND ON MARK BY 2050 BY JIMBO FRUGALOOP WASHINGTON D.C.-- NASA has officially announced Tuesday at 9:30 AM that they plan on finally putting a man on Mark by the year 2050. The exciting news was posted on NASA’s official twitter account, along with the accompanied simulated image of the event seen here. While many believe this goal to be impractical, engineers at NASA are remaining optimistic, and promise to be hard at work these coming years in order to make this dream a reality. While the benefits that Mark promises are not resource heavy, the achievement would be a huge feat in the history of mankind. NASA hopes this project could provide insight into means of reaching further out bodies such as Juniper and Stan, and perhaps in the near future we may even see human colonies residing on these beautiful and mysterious objects. More news sure to follow in the upcoming months.
PAGE A7
“Where the news is made up and the points don’t matter”
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SCIENCE NEWS
Simulated image of astronaut planting American flag on Mark.
Horoscopes ^Aries|March 21-April 19
dLibra|September 23-October 22
_Taurus|April 20-May 20
eScorpio|October 23-November 21
While it may seem that your usefulness in this world is not clear, rest assured, the Universe has a plan for all of us. Most of the time it is not revealed until we are long dead.
This week is going to be terribly trying in regard to words starting with the letter T. Try to avoid Tuesday and Thursday if possible.
`Gemini|May 21-June 21
Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you. By now, you should’ve somehow realized what you gotta do.
aCancer|June 22-July 22
Alright listen up because I am only gonna say this once. INVEST IN THE HOUSING MARKET. What, you think I’m insane? EVERYONE BUYS HOUSES! Look, I read the future I know what the FUCK I’m talking about, do you need me to spell this shit out for you? Fuck.
bLeo|July 23-August 22
OK, I’m sensing a deep disturbance coming from the Kuiper Belt region. I’m not quite sure how to interpret it...it looks like...no...yep, it’s definitely gonorrhea.
cVirgo|August 23-September 22
Your recent bout of luck will run out in the upcoming days in an intense spiral of misfortune. Your life’s gonna suck probably for the next few millennia.
You have been bottling up your emotions recently to the point that soon you may feel like bursting. Despite what you may hear “doctors” or “psychiatrists” or “actual experts in their respective field” say to you, this is completely healthy. As long as you don’t take out your anger on your neighbor’s cat.
fSagittarius|November 22-December 21
Have you ever had like a crazy good calzone and it completely changes your life? Chances are your life will never be as good as that moment again.
gCapricorn|December 22-January 19
Your relationships will become increasingly challenging as Jupiter moves past the Orion Nebula focalpoint. Now would be a good time to hash out any beef you got, cuz things about to get crispy.
hAquarius|January 20-February 18
You will encounter a brand new set of challenges ahead of you, so take heed. As the Ancient Chinese proverb states, “The rooster may peck at the bark of the old birch tree, but it is the duck who grazes on the supple tree meat within.”
A three horned antelope with the body of a Great Blue Heron came down to me in my dreams last night and unveiled the prophecy that foretold the events that will shape the rest of your life. Do NOT get cream iPisces|February 19-March 20 cheese on your bagel today. Step outside your comfort zone a little this week. Grope a stranger, rob a convenience store, commit some light treason. You only have one life to live.
February 22nd, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com A WHALE OF A TIME
O R C A WHALES JOIN RUTGERS WO MEN'S S WIM TEAM
MAXIMUM POWERS AMERICANO
NEW BRUNSWICK— With both Football and Basketball failing to bring in crowds, Rutgers Athletics has taken drastic measures in order to drum up more fans as the other sporting events. For the women’s swim team, this involved adding three five thousand pound orca whales to the team. Listed as “red shirt” freshman, these aquatic mammals will be swimming in conference meets starting next November. The integration of orcas into college athletics was a controversial move by Rutgers Athletic Director, and champion of the Old Queens Wet T-shirt Contest for two years running, Patrick “The E” Hobbs. By taking advantage of a University of Berkeley ruling that allowed furry students to be listed under what animal they like
Red and Black Fish Killer whale, Carla, joins the team for diving practice.
to pretend to be, Hobbs was able to enroll the three orca whales by listing them as trans-human. Now the three whales, Carla 10, Odette 11, and Shamu the XVII 12, are legally allowed enrollment
in Rutgers education and participation in school sports teams. At a press event for the whales Hobbs commented that, “At first we felt that the [whales] would not be able to maintain the GPA to stay on
the team, but it seems that they average higher grades than the football team. All three are set to be the first Orca-Americans with college degrees.” While there are those who see this as a great step past the speciesist culture that has been in America for over two-hundred-and-fifty years, some still want to keep the teams separate and equal as they have always been. As for the feelings of the team, the women of Rutgers are delighted to have some new talented teammates in the water. Senior Jane S. Ediction told the Medium, “These girls have become an integral part of the team and we love having them around.” Jane passed away shortly after the interview when Odette grabbed her by the ponytail and held Jane underwater for thirty minutes.
MOVIN' ON...UP?
V L A D E D I VAC : " BAC K I N M Y C O U N T RY T H I S I S G O O D T R A D E "
STEPHEN A. SMIFF KNOWS B-BALL
SACRAMENTO— In the wake of his widely-panned trade of star center Demarcus Cousins, Sacramento Kings Vice President of Basketball Operations Vlade Divac stood by his deal in a quintessentially Eastern European way. "This is way things go," said Divac, a Yugoslavian native. "It is best you do not question me further. Back in my country this is good trade. That is all you need to know." Divac traded Cousins to the New Orleans Pelicans immediately following Sunday's All Star Game in return for the basketball
equivalent of a wet bag of hay. In a press conference following the trade, Divac admitted the Kings had a better deal two days before the trade, but he
rejected it because back in his country, self-indulgence is only a detriment. The Kings organization stood firm on keeping Cousins
HOLDING DOWN THE FORT SInce 1970
in the months leading up to the trade, but Divac admitted his countrymen often lie and keep intimate details out of the hands of untrustworthy, capitalistic Western swine. "You all simply do not understand the ways of proper basketball," continued Divac, who threw in veiled references toward the systemic racism engrained in Eastern Europe. "In my country, we know how to play basketball. It is not about the players who try to act like they are important and go around with hip-hop and show up late to everything. We want team-first players who know good fundamentals."