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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
february 23rd, 2011
Volume xli Issue xviI
50¢
THE COLD SHOULDER
Sorority girl found in ice block BY BULLSHIT BINGO STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK— Local residents Joey Remson and Dan Sroczynski were shocked Friday when, as the recent warm weather began to melt the snow in their backyard, they found themselves face to face with a sorority girl frozen in a wild state of disheveled intoxication. “It was crazy man,” Sroczynski commented. “We took her inside and, you know, put her in the shower to defrost. She came to and just started trying to dance. I mean, you would think she would be cold but the chick just took off her pants and started making out with me.” The girl, who has been identified as senior Chelsea Robertson, is believed to have wandered off drunkenly from a party and passed out in the backyard of 122 Huntington during one of the area’s fre-
Little Tykes Log Cabin owners face recordhigh foreclosures
Campus biddies in favor of health care repeal
quent heavy snowstorms. Her sorority was apparently unaware of her disappearance, citing the fact that at any given time half of them are incapacitated and probably sleeping at some guy’s place anyway. “This is normal,” one Phi
Sigma commented. “One time we found a girl passed out on a raft in the Raritan. Then there was that girl who wound up completely naked in President McCormick’s office. We’re still not exactly sure what happened that night.”
IRONY
Hipsters unsure how to proceed with indie band’s mainstream Grammy award BY KERNAL SANDERZ STAFF WRITER
WILLIAMSBURG, NYC—In light of Arcade Fire’s recent Grammy win for Best Album, Hipsters everywhere are suddenly finding themselves in conflict with Hipsterdom’s first law that isn’t really a law so as not to be part of a system of restricting laws – That mainstream is so midtown and un-deck that one must avoid conforming to it by instead safely conforming to a society of nonconformity. The issue has become a dire one for the mental state of Hipsters everywhere. One Jerry was recently seen convulsing after overhearing two uncultured fraternity Cronkites discussing Arcade Fire and Justin Bieber in the same sentence. Though problematic, the Hipster Paradox has not been without warning, with many wondering if appearing on Conan is mainstream enough
NEWS QUICKIES
"I don't want increasing coverage," said sophomore Sarah Sagert. "I like my sexy little outfits."
Area boss to tie raises to whether or not employees see him in production of "Guys and Dolls" "If they compliment my portrayal of Nicely-Nicely Johnson, they'll also get extra sick days!"
MEET THE MEDIUM PAGE 4
RA-RA-RIOT
A group of Hipsters protest by getting drunk and snorting coke.
to ruin Vampire Weekend and Steel Train’s cred. “Recently, we were all worried about Lady Gaga winning an award. I mean she’s so deck, cultured and revolutionary – but she also recently ripped off Madonna, so a Grammy nod would put her pop appeal over the top,” said Hipster and MGSA Sophomore eric green, who specifically requested his name be lower cased
because “capitalization is for lamestream elites.” In an effort to combat the conflict, Hipsters everywhere are adopting the “Death Cab For Cutie Was On The OC So Let’s Always Remind People That We Heard Them First So We’re Cooler Than Them” method. Various local Hipster bands have also begun to nix Arcade Fire from Continued, “HIPSTER” page 2
Fuck Surge Protectors... ESTABLISHED 1970
TODAY'S WEATHER You're on your own buddy. It's for your own good. You gotta get beyond the water cooler chat if you're ever gonna make any progress with her.
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
"I think I got AIDS from eating New Brunswick ground pizza..."
GAME STRATEGY
NATO selects Atari to run missle defense system
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
BRUSSELS, BELGUIM— Both Russia and the United States were blind sighted upon NATO’s announcement last Monday that it would not be contracting with either country to run the European missile defense system, instead selecting the veteran video game company Atari, Inc.. Atari, whose revenues have been down over the past few quarters, has sought to expand to more profitable ventures, and is capitalizing on its experience in ballistic missile defense from its best selling arcade game Missile Command. NATO chairman Giampaolo Di Paola said Atari's timeless success with MICOM makes it a far more
trustworthy candidate to operate long-range missile interceptors than either Russian or the U.S. Atari spokesperson Kerry Jones says the company has commenced test launches of its new system, a pixillated, two-dimensional laser defense system that operates on quarters and plays to the tune of Pot Keyboard Integrated Circuit music. Because video games serve as real training for real world problems, Atari has appointed world MICOM record holder Roy Shildt to be the system's chief crosshair operator. Due to its current budgetary constraints, Atari will not immediately be compensating Shildt with a salary, instead paying him an hourly wage of Marvel comic books, Mountain Dew, and Gary Newman albums.
CAN'T GO WRONG WITH THE CLASSICS
NATO was purportedly intrigued by the concept that if missile intercepters are able to get through twelve rounds of ballistic missiles, they will be awarded a free bonus city.
Hoarders Clean-Up Crew Uncovers Trapped Cameraman from Competing TLC Show BY CASTLETON SNOB STAFF WRITER
Editorial Staff Spring 2011
F
vived on stale popcorn tins that Webb received from old coworkers every Christmas and intended to give away to her grandchildren “whenever they came around.” Webb had no explanation for failing to realize Stollman was trapped in her mess. “I heard some scratching and strange noises,” explained the hoarder, “but I just figured it was another one of the cats. They’re always getting caught under something and dying.”
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Jeopardy's Watson Hired as Meal Swipe Machine BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
HIDE AND TLCeek
GARY, INDIANA— When a clean-up crew from the hit A&E series Hoarders entered the home of hoarder Gayle Webb, they expected to find mountains of clutter. Instead, they were shocked to discover a previously thought missing cameraman from TLC’s competing series Hoarding: Buried Alive. “I’ve been stuck under there for 4 months,” said cameraman David Stollman following his rescue. “I guess I nodded off during the lunch break and when I woke up I was covered in boxes of trinkets and trash bags. Sometimes the crew leaves early since no one watches our show anyway but I can’t believe they just left me.” After being pulled from a pile of broken children’s toys, boxes of Christmas decorations, and newspapers from the 1980s, Stollman was brought to a local hospital and declared stable. The cameraman had sur-
MAMA WATSON
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
TLC released on official statement on the incident and stated that the network was “surprised anyone even noticed [Stollman] was gone. It’s the most national attention Hoarding: Buried Alive has ever had but even our crew didn’t care that he was gone.” Stollman has filed a class action suit against the TLC executives and the ensuing trial will be aired this Thursday following Say Yes to the Cake Boss Plus 8 and Counting. News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
BUSCH—Students will be surprised to find a new member welcoming them before their meals on Busch. Watson, the Jeopardy-playing IBM Supercomputer, has been hired by Busch Dining Hall as a combination meal swipe/swiper employee. Watson will be able to interact with students in a variety of ways such as denying them additional swipes for takeout and talking on the cell phone while reading tabloid magazines. “I am proud to add Watson to our dining team,” Head of Dining Services Jeff Gratz said over a Brower hour interview. “It did cost the University some extra money, but we’re implementing changes to the meal plans to cover the difference.” The changes Gratz had noted were only to the pricing of meal plans. Before, a typical 210 meal plan costs $2,035 each semester at $9.70 per meal. Now, after Watson, the same plan will cost around $34,095 with each meal’s cost to be around $162.35. Dissatisfied students had cornered Gratz and demanded he not implement this idiotic plan change last Friday and in response, he issued a statement. “We have one of the largest incoming classes ever next semester. There’s no way the University can house them and humans are high in protein…just saying.” Gratz then added, “They don’t call them ‘fresh meat’ for nothing.”
HIPSTER, Continued from front their list of influences, replacing them with any current band who’s music is playing in a Starbucks or an Apple, Honda or Tommy Hilfiger commercial. So far no one has noticed the irony behind it all, and no one has dared point it out, for fear of being beaten up by crazy Hipsters. Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Kenneth Brooks Shane Whelan Steve Troulis Abe Stanway Barbara Reed John Eberhardt
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is once again dedicated to the Rutgers Spanish Department. Thank you, once again, for making me spend forty-five minutes getting to another campus on a Sunday for an exam that took thirty minutes.
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
THE MEDIUM
FARTS “Quit playin’ games with my heart”
GAME TIME
By Torgo Van Pelt, Staff Writer
I’ve read the Targum long enough to notice that it’s nothing but the usual stuff over and over again. So, to end this mind numbingly repetitious pain, here’s a fun game to play when reading. Mark down where and when you saw one of these things appearing, and the first one to get five in a row gets, I don’t know, my stash of Green Prints or something.
COMICS
REAL COUPON! Hey stoners! Cut out this coupon for $10 off a $40 purchase at Barry’s Smoke Shop on 65 Church Street in downtown New Brunswick!
GRAFFITI “I LOVE SO MANY BANDS THAT YOU HAVEN’T EVEN THOUGHT OF HEARING ABOUT YET, MAN.”
Location: By the Train Station.
Submit comics, graffiti, music reviews, random drawings to:
arts@ the medium online .com
Dorm Cooking 101 Breakfast Hamburger It’s a new spin on an old favorite. It’s easy to make when you don’t feel like leaving your dorm to go to the dining hall, but you’re also completely starving.
This recipe involves buying or somehow otherwise obtaining two hamburgers the night before you are planning to prepare the Breakfast Hamburger. You can get two hamburgers from takeout at Neilson on Thursday nights. You can also get delivery from Blitzburgers. Since they require a minimum purchase price for delivery, it’s just easier to buy two. It doesn’t matter where you get the hamburgers. It doesn’t matter what kind of toppings are on them. Just get whatever kind of hamburgers you like best, or whatever the cheapest option is.
1) Eat one of the hamburgers as soon as you get it. Resist temptation to eat the other hamburger. If you got fries, eat the fries because they aren’t good if you refrigerate them. 2) Put the remaining hamburger in the refrigerator overnight. 3) When you wake up, remove the hamburger from the refrigerator and transfer to a microwave safe container. 4)Microwave on high power for 30 seconds, then check if it’s still cold. Repeat until warm enough to eat.
MEET
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THE MEDIUM
OP/ED “You can’t identify the fuck-type Pokemon without the Pokedex.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Gun Control Laws May Keep My “Most Dangerous Game” Fantasies From Happening BY RICHARD CONNELL
Ever since the founding fathers created the second amendment, Americans have been arguing over what it means to have the right to bear arms. The anti-gun lobbyists have been stomping on this amendment for years and keeping guns away from collectors and hunters like myself. In light of some tragedies in America, I can understand why these people are scared. I can tell you that guns don’t kill people...people looking for the next big thrill do. The laws to acquire any kind of high powered rifle in America have gotten completely out of control. It took me almost 6 months to get my last gun and I don’t even have a criminal record. Well, maybe not any charges that have been recorded. Any alleged places where I may have committed
Wednesday, February 23rd 2011
any crimes aren’t going to be found on any map most people know of. You see, I spend most of my time on an island that technically isn’t part of any country. I would do my gun shopping there to avoid the hassle but there’s
“Guns don’t kill people... People looking for the next big thrill do.” nowhere on the island to get one. Sometimes I think I’m the only part of civilization that’s still there. I don’t just go there to be alone though. I bring my guns with me because there is some great game to be hunted out there...some of the most dangerous game I’ve ever hunted.
The animals running around there are much smarter than your average deer and even more threatening that a bear. You know what makes this animal so dangerous? It can reason. Now that’s a challenging order to take on. You can’t just take on the world’s most dangerous game without the best gun technology available. I can’t use my shotgun for everything. Suppose I go out hunting, and find the animal has made himself a nest during the head start I gave him. If I trap the thing in there, I can’t be expected to use anything but a handgun. Same goes for any hunter out there. So the next time your Senator is trying to submit a new law controlling guns, it’s important to remember who’s really being hurt. It’s hunters with a complex moral code like me.
ADVICE
Ask a Man Below the Poverty Line
This is my first year owning a yacht and I need to make sure I’m taking the right steps towards getting it ready for the rest of the winter. I was thinking about hiring someone to do it for me but I’m not sure I want to spend the money. Can you give me with any DIY tips on protecting the hull from cold weather? Sincerely, Trust-Fund Prick Winterizing a boat is a difficult process that I know nothing about because I don’t own a boat. However, I do know something about preparing for a tough winter. When I need to winterize the box I live in, I always make sure to add a good amount of blankets. 4 or 5 usually does the trick and it keeps the wind away without adding too much heat. You can find a good blanket in a dumpster or sometimes volunteers will just give them to you. Another good idea is to reinforce the hulls of your fancy people boat with extra cardboard. The first layer traps the heat and insulates you while the outer layers keep out the harsh wind. A big problem your boat might face in the winter is freezing rain. Ice can accumulate on the yacht’s hull and cause it to crack. The best way to remove the ice is to find yourself a piece of sharpened aluminum. You can get this at the local dump and sharpen it against the sidewalk. You can then scrape the ice off and keep it from doing any lasting damage to the boat. If you’re still looking to have someone help you, maybe I could lend a hand for a few bucks. I don’t need that much money really. I can do the whole thing for food instead if that’s easier. Or maybe just a few nights indoors...
OPINIONS@THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM I read this email sometimes. Send in a submission and I’ll read it. Maybe I won’t even totally hate it.
COMMENTARY
Was I President or Something? BY JAMES A. GARFIELD
I was reading something the other day about American presidents and all I could think was, “Did I ever do that?” “Is that why I’m important to history?” I swore I had something to do with politics. The House of Representatives sounds a little too far down the chain for me. I feel like I had to be pretty important. Maybe I was assassinated or something. That would be cool. There’s a pretty elite group that have been assassinated in office. Lincoln, Kennedy, man that would be interesting! Although I guess if I was killed in office I would have a bigger historical profile. Dammit, what the hell did I do?!
“Maybe I was assassinated or something. That would be cool.” OK, let me think about this. I like to keep an old fashioned style. Maybe a General in the Civil War. Yeah, I could be like, “Not so fast, Confederate! Pew Pew!”, or, “Let me keep my slaves! BAM!” You know what? Maybe I ran for president. Yeah, that could be it. I was in a presidential election but never won. Probably one of those guys that runs for president like 5 times and keeps losing but won’t stop. No! Vice President! That has to be it. But who was the President I served under? Coolidge? No that’s way too late. Lincoln? That seems closer but I’m not really sure. Oh man, I hope it wasn’t one of those guys no one really cares about like Hayes. What the hell was his first name anyway? I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. I think for now I’m going to stick with some kind of Civil War General. It just feels right to me. Maybe a history major can confirm that.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
Stop This Man Immediately
To the Opinions Editor, I wanted you to know I’ve been receiving all the messages you have been leaving in your section for me. Your ‘University Voices’ section is clearly not from real students and instead directed towards my life. Your first issue quoted a student with the same first name as me and you seemed to know exactly how I spent my Valentine’s Day on my ex’s facebook. You wanted me to know that you had your eye on me and I received the message loud and clear. It was easy to pick out details about your life by the articles you chose to publish. The groundhog’s piece (Please Stop Using Me to Predict the Weather, February 2) told me that you were concerned about the weather. Also, that article by the student sleeping with the football team (It’s a Privilege To Have a Football Player Inside of You, February 16) was a great turn on to me and probably for most of your other readers as well. I understand how much you hate the Arts page now (I Hate Being Folded Against the Arts Page, February 9) and will use some “persuasion” to have you moved somewhere else. Who knows how far up the ladder I can take you? I would do anything for you; surely you must know that by now. Please let me know if there is anything else you may want me to do. I’ll be sure to keep in touch. (The writer of this letter was tracked down by the NBPD and severely beaten)
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS
K-PASA Day, 2011
“Are you saying I’m a nagger?”
’s Rules For Life
DON’T GET MAD. GET GLAD! or not... To
the
jackass
that
1. When life gives you Koopa Troopas, make a thought my personal nice large pot of turtle soup with mushroom! wasn’t funny. FUCK YOU. (It probably wasn’t. But 2. If Chuck starts a Chargin’, you’d better whatever.) start a runnin’ unless you have a feather. 3. If you’re killed by a Goomba, everyone in Want to know what I was doing on Valentine’s? The Mushroom Kingdom will think you’re a What I do every night; fucking pussy, and lose all respect for you. fight crime on the streets 4. Send personals to The Medium every day! of New Brunswick. Crime
personals@themediumonline.com BROWER HOUR
ZIPPITY DO - DAH
To the two gingers who were in brower saturday morning... RU Related? If so, cool. If not, are you two hooking up?
to all girls that wear sweat pants with uggs... just wear tights. they make your ass look better and even if your slightly overweight, we don’t notice because we see one fine ass! unless you’re REALLY big... in that case, just don’t go outside.
(RU a stalker? The answer is, UR.) To the guy in busch dining hall who i saw put an entire omlette on the trash belt. FUCK YOU. I was on line for 15 fuckin’ minutes and you were right in front of me. You wasted two additional minutes of my time. To the bitch at nielsen takeout that decided to slip her fatass in front of me in the sandwich line. wait your fuckin turn. i dont even know why you’re rushing, its not like you’re going hungry for a while. (RU Hungry?? Yes. U sure R, buddy.) What happened to the lobster bisque at the dining hall. i keep going there and its never there anymore. oh woe is me. (Oh... uhhh, I don’t know. I think you’re asking the wrong person, seriously.)
To all the hoes bitchin over the last 2 weeks over my war on uggs with sweats: you have the gaul to complain about not finding a decent guy to date, yada yada. Then you choose to look like slobs and wear uggs and sweats to class, saying that it’s “comfy?” No wonder no decent guys want to check you out! (WTF with the uggs and sweats?!? Fuck it, whatever. Keep going.) Why is Douglass Campus so fuckin’ big. I had to take a fuckin 20 minute walk from the DCC to the Cook Campus Center which I didn’t even know fuckin existed. (Or you could have just caught the bus...)
Hello Rutgers! Its a beautiful day today, known as K-PASA Day. K-PASA, for those who don’t know, is K’s Psychological Alignment Sans Aggravation! I am taking the entire day to enjoy myself and not worry about anything. I’m not reading your personals today, I’m not doing homework, I’m not studying for exams, not filling out paperwork, and not giving a fuck about anything because Dr. K. needs a well deserved break. If your name starts with K, you can feel free to join me in celebrating as well. If not, change it legally and enjoy in the day! Happy K-Pasa Day! Dr. K
doesn’t take a day off for love, and neither do I. (Do you at least wear a cape? That would have been festive for the occasion!!!) To the chick who used to live in Allen. Ive recently seen you everywhere and you look like a goddamn crack-whore. word of advice, more food less makeup. that shit aint cute (Feed her...) To the girl at Busch Din Hall, a lovely valentines day poem for you: roses are red, puppies like to pout, I would like to let you know, YOUR WHOLE FUCKING ASS IS HANGING OUT!! love, please buy a goddamn belt <3 To the immature retard on my floor. Next time you leave something in front of my door, I am going to come to your room when you’re sleep and pour water down your throat until you drown. You’d better lock your fucking door because I watched your stupid ass through the peephole come back drop those fucking thumbtacks in front of my door after knocking and running away. I didn’t do shit to you and you’re fucked up for that. (Uhhhh... breathe?) TO A-T AND FUCKIN T. If you send me one more fuckin item in the mail, I’m going to take you to court for harassment. I’ve been done with you since November and you still send me e-mails and statements. You’re like a psycho girlfriend who wants so desperately to get back together but I ain’t havin it. To my girlfriend in Into the Woods! Good Luck! <3 lambchop (Uhhh. You do realize where you sent this right. Stop the sappy shit...)
PEOPLE THAT ANNOY YOU
B.A. in EBONICS To that bootylicious mama I saw on the rexb yesterday. I will gladly escort you off the bus, into my apartment, and ram you til the sunrises. Do everyone in the WORLD a favor and never take those leggings off. Ur ass jumps ever-so-nicely while u rock them, itd be a shame to hide that round mound of booty.
to my girlfriend’s ra. why do you choose to be such a bitch. i can walk to the bathroom without out her escorting me. first of all, my i’m already getting it in, its not like i’m going to rape someone between her room and the bathroom. (I imagine you probably look like a creeper. That is why you seem creepy.) Hey lil ma that works in the Douglass Cafe. I see To my housemate. When da way you be lookin at its your turn to make dinme when you swipe my ner, why do you think its card. i’ll swipe you some acceptable to just make a dinner sometime. big pot of ramen for everyone. I’ve been in class to the lil ni(nj)a that got all day, and I’m hungry playedd out by the black bitch. Make a steak or girl at the SAC bus stop. hahaha. u need to get ur something. (Or you could stop cook- shit together or you ain’t ing for her lazy ass and never gettin pussy. let her OD on Ramen.) (uhhh. TMI.) Actual Advertisement
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, Febtober 23rd, 2011
“Good evening officer, we seem to be stuck.”
The Medium’s Search & Find By Morgan Freeman Staff Artist
Numero 3 - Road Rage Items: Reptar, Pac-man, toothbrush, eyeball, basketball, equilateral triangle
STUDENT OF THE WEEK
Name: Louis Esposito Year: Undecided Major: Fraternity Relations Job: Permanent guest host on WRSU’s “Oh, the Shenanigans!” Resides: A van, down by the river Food: Warm, apple pie Drink: Yes Sports: Street racing, billiards Interests: Fast cars, diesel, Jerry Garcia, throwing steel around, fixing shit, high-society dating, rednecks from West Virginia
No, He’s Actually Not a Mexican
Lou enjoys staying busy whether he’s removing a gutted deer from an International truck engine, or further destroying his car with reckless stunts on softball fields. Most of his other hobbies are non-traditional and commonly mistaken for criminal activity. In person, his sarcastic mockery and crude, unrestricted humor may be seen by most people as offensive. However, it’s hard to deny that he has a loving heart after learning about his obsession with $500 dates. “If she can stroke a penis as well as she can stroke an ego, you buy that girl a house.”
Going InShane: A Commuter’s...uh, whatever. Real Advertisement Below
This week, I’m on top of a fucking car. Did you hear me? I said that I’m on top of a FUCKING 2006 HYUNDAI ELANTRA. I’m blastin’ sick beats through my surround sound and commuting aroud the city. Ya’ll betta recognize man, I’m rockin’ 132 HP. My navy blue paint is solid and the wheels on this bitch go round and round, round and round, round and round. All through the motherfucking town.
Don’t you dare even think about putting this paper down, I am watching you. events@themediumonline.com
WEEKLY EVENTS IN PICTURES
YOUR WEEKLY ALBUM REVIEW By Lauren Jefferson
Fuzzed Pop Rock
If the Beach Boys and The Cure started a garage pop band, it would probably sound like Telekinesis. The band is the project of Seattle’s Michael Benjamin Lerner (who looks exactly like our own Gil Turetsky). For this album, Lerner returned to the studio with Chris Walla of Death Cab for Cutie. They recorded again on analog tape, giving the album warmth. 12 Desperate Straight Lines clocks in at just over 30 minutes, but each track demonstrates perfection in Lerner’s songwriting. All the tracks were written by Lerner except for “Gotta Get It Right Now” which he co-wrote with Walla. The album came at a messy time in Lerner’s life. Despite the obvious heartache and desperation, the album still radiates with optimism.