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Volume XLVII Issue III QUICKIES
February 26th, 2014
50¢
SENIOR CLAIMS TO HAVE FRIENDS BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
The Targum prints boldface lies SJP Hands Out Arafat-free Yogurt Shit Hits the Fan, Causing Devastation from the Deformation of Defacation Wifi is Turned On with Airplane Mode; Joins Mile High Club BIG MAN ON CAMPUS
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – After recent claims depicting him as a lonely loser, School of Arts and Sciences senior Jeremy Enola came forward yesterday to assert that he indeed has friends. Enola, a communications major, lives in a single at Brett Hall on College Avenue Campus. During his time there, many of his fellow residents noted that not one person ever came to visit him since the academic year began in September. This has spurred a notable amount of gossip around the residence that Enola must be a “weird hermit that jacks off to gross porn.” Many other residences were quite vocal about their “concerns” and spoke to the press about Enola’s conditions. “His lottery number was, like, 50,” said sophomore Kelly Bickleman. “People practically pay you to be your friend for that hook-up into Livi Apartments. Seriously, what a loser.”
"THEY'RE BUSY! THAT'S ALL!" Jeremy Enola is seen after having left his door open Friday night.
In response to many other claims such as this, Jeremy Enola posted the following on his Facebook page, “I have friends, they’re just busy and on other campuses. I go visit them instead. I swear I’m not lonely!” At press time, this status update has received zero likes. Residence Life is consider-
ing taking preventative action in order to make him appear like less of a loser. Currently, the favored plan of action is to force Enola to room with that freshman who smells like three-day old shoes. Hall Director Kenny Continued on Page 2
Christie Shuts Down Bridge to Delay Booker Speech BY EATON JEJEZ STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – In what may be the second largest bridge related scandal in recent NJ history, whistleblowers discovered late last week a series of leaked emails from aides to NJ Governor Chris Christie alluding to “making traffic on Douglass” and “tying up CB.” CB refers to US Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ), who was hosted by the Eagleton Institute of Politics last Tuesday. The program, held in the lecture hall of the Hickman building on the Douglass Campus, was delayed for a short time before Mr. Booker arrived and promptly began his dialogue with students. “The rumor going around was that Cory Booker wanted to experience the struggle of New Brunswick firsthand,” said Rahul Bhavsar, a SAS junior major- thing about a detour. This detour was referring ing in Political Science, “so he had taken the EE bus.” NBPD to the temporary closure of the officers assigned to the event Loree-Hickman foot bridge. Vothad candidly mentioned some-
and Hickman halls. It serves as an essential shortcut across the campus, following the historic route of Col. Henry Rutgers' valiant charge across the British encampment via a makeshift bridge during the Battle of Cook-Douglass, according to the History Channel. “[The aides] just told us to close off the bridge. They didn't give a reason,” said Thomas Fireman, director of the Department of Fire Safety. When asked where the order originated from, Fireman commented that “it came from higher-ups but [he's] not sure where it ultimately came from.” “It’s undeniable that Christie's people ordered the bridge shut down to delay Booker” commented Dr. Allen DeLaney, an Eagleton professor. “This is ed the second 'Most Awkward the third time Christie jammed Walk at Rutgers' (the first be- up a bridge to spite someone” ing 'anywhere on Friday morn- – the first being the George ing'), this bridge connects Loree
You Can Make a Hat SInce 1970
Continued on Page 2
the Medium
NEWS
"It's more orgasmic like that. It just happens."
CHANGE? GOT CHANGE
Homeless Man Wins Role in Cabaret Production BY FOUR LOKI PAGE A7 EDITOR
DOUGLASS CAMPUS – For the past 13 years, he was just known as “that homeless guy sitting on stage left”, but now, Joe Hopper can finally call himself Andrew Jackson in Cabaret Theater’s latest production of the hit rock musical, Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson. Hopper unknowingly auditioned for the role on February 10 when he drunkenly stumbled out of his corner and onto the stage during open auditions. “He was hollering about how he hated ‘the damn government’ for not helping homeless people like him get off the streets,” said producer Reg Ming. “After his anti-government rant, he started singing old war tunes from his time in the Vietnam War. He sang about murdering entire Vietnamese villages to find the Viet Cong. It was quite graphic
and now I have to clean up all the whiskey he spilled on stage.” Director Lena Protestants was so impressed with Hopper’s unexpected performance that she cancelled all further auditions and callbacks and awarded him the role right then and there. Lena believes Hopper possesses the right qualities to play a character as dynamic and complex as Andrew Jackson. “He has that fun-loving drunken swagger, he’s not afraid to proclaim his hate for the government, and he has a terrifyingly bigoted personality that is probably worse than Adolf Hitler. He’s exactly what I was looking for in the male lead.” Rehearsals are now underway and audiences can expect to see the completed production in the first and second week of April.
DROPPING BOMBS
Shit Goes Down in Kiev
FILL MY BLACKHOLE
Astrophysics Major is a Total Asshole BY DR. TOSSED SALAD OPINIONS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY, NJ – While walking from the ARC to the SERC, engineering major Hansel Manes commented that the walk was starting to get annoying, having to walk the distance in the snow. Soon after he finished bitching, friend Irving Hansen commented, saying, “Well you know…when you compare this distance from the distance to another galaxy…it really is minuscule. So you know it’s not that bad.” Manes came forward to express his discontent with Hansen. “He does this with everything!” stated Manes. “Everything from the weather and buses. I just can’t take it anymore.” Reports have said that Hansen, along with other fellow astrophysics majors, has been at this trend for the last few weeks. Recently heard douche-like comments include; “You know, when you think about the temperature of the Moon or Mars, it really isn’t that cold outside,” and “Imagine spending months or years on a space shuttle traveling to another planet, I think 15
minutes on the B isn’t that bad.” Friends of these asinine pricks all share the same thoughts, that they cannot take it anymore, and that there is no reason to compare everything to physics. Sophomore physics major Walter Burns explained, “but physics is everything, like if it wasn’t for physics there is no way any of us would be alive today…” This editor became bored part-way through the interview and walked away. If this recent trend continues, The Medium has predicted that it could cause a rift between the physics and engineering majors, and possibly with the biology losers as well. “This could shake up all of Busch campus,” specified Professor Theo Mock. “If all of these shit heads stop talking to each other, they are going to start thinking that they can talk to the communication and journalism majors that wander over here, and make their lives a boring living hell.” “They are really starting to piss me off,” again said Manes. “I can’t even call them assholes, 'cause all they say is, ‘you know a blackhole would be a lot worse.’
BRIDGE...continued from front
I want you to get to our
Washington Bridge in September, and the second being a lone jog across the Edison Bridge in November to prove to his wife that he “can exercise if he really wanted to.” LOSER
...continued from front
Lombardi, chair of this project, told the press that, “if he didn’t want to look like such a loser, he "IT"S BURNING ME FROM THE INSIDE!" should have just been an RA.” Boris squats down and cries for his fallen brothers in the bowl.
Editorial Staff Spring 2014
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Stewart Hallman Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Fratypus
Wednesday, February 26th, 2014
News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Sasha Romayev Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editor Sara Markowitz Page A7 Editor Lesly Kurian
meetins, get down on your knees and give me some brain. The Medium meetings are every Wednesday at the BCC room 120B at 8pm. Polish my dome. Sports Editor Justin Lesko Copy Editors Henry Chen Jon Holzsager Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Canadians
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Vagisil. It is my passion, my muse. Stay fresh Rutgers.
FEATURES
Wednesday, February 26th, 2014
the Medium
“What about a sexy human centipede?”
YEAHHHHH BITCHES
Caption Contest!
Last Week’s Winning Submission:
In an attempt to wow the crowds with their performance in the 2016 Summer Olympics, the U.S. synchronized swimming team has decided to add a new move to their routine: water twerking!
FUCK YEAH SUBMISSIONS
This Week’s Photo:
I received more submissions last semester. My mailbox is growing sad and lonely. Don’t be so heartless. Submit to: themedium.features@gmail.com ;)
GAME CORNER
Drunk Olympics
BY: SUPA KRUPA TRUPA SOMETIMES SHE’S HERE. SOMETIMES NOT.
Are you looking for a way to have fun with drunk friends that seem too drunk to function? Well, here are some games to play next time you’re at a bar or frat party Where’s Waldo? Order your drunk friend to find someone. Waldo—or anyone dressed in a striped red and white shirt, blue pants, glasses, and a red hat. The twist: there’s no one dressed as Waldo and your friend has to take a shot every minute Waldo is not found. Naked Hide and Seek In this game, the naked inebriated lad will be sent outside to find everyone hiding, meanwhile, everyone will be wearing all their clothes and laughing from inside the frat house. What-a-Ho This game is essentially whack-a-mole but with a random ho! Tell your friend that he’ll get a prize for hitting the most hos. Make sure you direct him to the girls at the bar with the biggest, buffest boyfriends. Your drunk friend will be given a prize by the boyfriend: a couple of whacks of his own. Facebook Frenzy Have your drunk friend log onto Facebook and friend request and message the creepiest, hairiest strangers that they can find. Make sure to reassure them how good looking these people are. Encourage him to add his phone number and address for maximum fun!
WANT TO BE FAMOUS??? Submit shit. themedium.features@gmail.com It works. I promise.
LOST AND FOUND FOUND:
Used condom on the 7th floor of the alternate stairwell of North Tower. I understand that in order to save the environment, we must reuse, reduce and recycle. So will the proper owner please reclaim this valuable piece of protection and use it at least 5 more times? You’d really be doing everyone a favor. It will be left on the stairwell for you, but if you do not reclaim it within two weeks, it will be given away. If you have any questions, please contact me at (732) 640-7993.
the Medium
OPINIONS “Anal fisting.”
SEX WITH FOOD COMMENTARY
THE LOVE CONNECTION
Finding the Perfect Shiksa to Marry at Rutgers
Will Anyone Notice If I Stick My Dick in this Pudding?
BY DOUGHNUT HOLSCHTEIN
BY HERBIE LEWIS
I hear it calling to me. This pudding it’s just sitting there, wanting me. And I want it. There are only a few people around so why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I stick my penis in this pudding? There are a few people around, but it will be quick. A max of ten minutes in the pudding, with some slow thrusting, who’s going to notice I mean I’m just going to dip it in really quick. It’s not like I’m putting slices of Swiss cheese on my cock like that freak in Philly was doing. Nothing like that, nothing like that at all. All I want to do is to put my erect penis into this tray of pudding. It is just so wet,
Wednesday, February 26th, 2014
so smooth, it’s just like a dream. I can’t handle it. I have to stick it in. Now I don’t want to hear that it is unsanitary or anything. Like, my penis is clean, and I’m sure the pudding is fresh, so why wouldn’t I put my hard penis in it? So wet, so damp, yet with such a thick feeling. I have been staring at it for weeks and I think it is finally the time. Just think about doing it? Go ahead. You’re sitting in class and you have a pudding cup just sitting in your backpack. And then you think, “This would feel amazing over the head of my penis.” And you pull the top off its slick plastic body. You look both
ways, and oh no one in your row? Perfect. Then you just whip your hard dick out and put it into the pudding. Mhmm. Yeah I know. And this can open my spectrum to all of the puddings. Not saying I want to make a habit of this, but like chocolate, rice, tapioca! Once I try vanilla I have to expand. I mean if I was making a habit out of this that is. So here I go, time for this pudding to take me, all of me.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
But, I Actually Like Being Objectified BY A WOMEN
You hear everyday from these feminist types about how society is going down the drain because of how women are being objectified in the media. My question is: what’s so wrong about being objectified? Absolutely nothing! It’s actually a little fun in my opinion. For me, whenever someone objectifies me, that tells me that they acknowledge my existence. Isn’t that empowering in itself? It’s not like some guy is going to force me to be a chair and sit on my face or something, it’s all figurative... I think. You know, I actually feel sorry for the feminists that say objectification of women is bad. I bet a lot of them have never been objectified before. If only they knew how socially satisfying it was, maybe they’d stop being so annoying about it. Someone should take their objectification virginity!
I Think Personification is Pretty Swell Too BY A SNOWMAN
Among my kind, personification is considered to be the ultimate status symbol. It’s tough to become a snowman, so when it does actually happen, it’s a pretty rare event. Being a snowman is hands down, the best thing to have happened to me. I used to be a totally lame pile of snow and before that, I used to be totally lame water molecules in a cloud. Totally anonymous, never standing out, and totally lame. But now I’ve been personified into a totally awesome snowman! I think that’s pretty special, wouldn’t you agree? Of course, there are always the snowflakes that don’t care for personification, and that’s perfectly okay. All they want to do is fall where they’re most likely to be plowed or turned into dirty slush. As a member of the elite group of humanistic snowpeople, I revel in being personified. It makes me feel dignified and superior to my peers on the ground.
My Middle Eastern comrade, I can totally relate to your troubles. Your family wants you to marry before you graduate and is overly eager to set you up. Matchmaker, matchmaker, right? Who can be the Motel to your Tzeitel, when Tevye would rather have you marry Lazar Wolf? Our peoples are very enamored with tradition and we both know what we want: a white-bred, fertile non-Jewish girl. You seem to have put in an honest effort. You’ve bombarded them with unsolicited compliments about their bodies and giving them cold proposals. You’ve done everything to catch one short of throwing a Master Ball at it. I suggest
a more delicate, sweeter approach: three pumps of caramel, whipped cream, and a bit of hazelnut coffee. It’s okay to not have any dating experience. If you’re looking for a virgin, look to the School of Engineering on Busch. The girls are rarer, but they’re purer than College Ave harlots. And they work, if your parents can tolerate Asian in-laws and halfAsian grandchildren. If they can’t tolerate, find a Jewess who doesn’t kvetch too much and live with her. With a rich set of in-laws, your family will be boosted a caste or two. I’m sure her parents would agree, “NO JEWS”. In response to a post on r\Rutgers.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How do you feel about Rutgers not allowing in as many Freshman next semester? “What! Who is going to take my class? Seniors?” Edward Huggens, Psychology Professor
“If they let in just one that is too many. They are so immature.” Megan Hollins, To be Sophomore
“Who am I going to have sex with now?” Evan King, 5th Year Senior Frat Bro
COME TO OUR MEETINGS ON WED. AT 8PM IN ROOM 120B IN THE BCC. WE WILL HAVE FOOD AND TITS. AND SUBMIT IDEAS TO: THEMEDIUM.OPINIONS@GMAIL.COM
Wednesday, February 26th, 2014
ARTS
“Mega Python vs. Gateroid--a true porno classic.”
the Medium
JACOB THE CURIOUS CAT, PART III - MICHAEL INTERRANTE Hello students, hope your faces are keeping dry in this sudden salty weather. Stay indoors and draw comics; submit to themedium. arts@gmail.com. Bring your rejected Valentine’s chocolate and sexy selveswww to BCC 120B 7pm tonight.
FANCY FOX - MADZ
KINKY ESKIMO - LEMONGRASS GOGOLOAB
Kinky Eskimo by Lemongrass Gogoloab Wednesday, December 11, 2013
6:42 PM
RT. 18 HIGHWAY TO HELL - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
PERSONALS
the Medium
“He’s not the Aryan that I fell in love with”
OLYMPICS
JUST POOP
Was anyone else kinda sad that there were no real threats to national—erm... world security at the Olympics? How uneventful.
Sometimes, my friend and I like to go into a bathroom together and play games and mess with people pooping. One of us will activate the hand dryer to create noise because then people won’t feel paranoid about pooping. Then, the other one will go into an adjacent stall and peek over the stall and watch the person poop. What the actual fuck. My poop came out blue. Which one of you motherfuckers DID THIS TO ME?!?!
(I for one was personally offended that no one blew themselves up at the Closing Ceremony.) I like how the media pretends that it’s so cute that the athletes are bringing all those stray puppies home now. But they will probably get bored and put them back on the American streets. That ain’t cute. (Anything is better than Russia.) When will all the fucking Canadians who go here learn that literally nobody gives a fuck about their hockey win? (The Canadians have nothing else going for them. Give them a break! Canada is basically America’s gay nerdy brother.)
CREEPY I’m always paranoid when I’m back at home because my parents’ bathroom has a skylight on the ceiling, and whenever I get naked to go shower, I always wonder if some serial killer or pervert is sitting on my roof and watching me change. Because, like, if I was a pervert, I would totally do that, ya know? (Oh, I totally know. I was just thinking the same as I was sitting behind someone’s shower curtain, damn I hope someone tries the window. )
Wednesday, February 26th, 2014
BUTTHURTIN’ A horse, a horse! My satire publication for a horse! Whyyyyy have the Personals been reduced to one little page?! They were the box o’ chocolates that kept me coming back for more of this paper! I can live without color, but I nearly died when I saw the Personals cut in half......by a pointless page A7!!!” (Twas my heart cut in half most of all)
CLASSLESS
To the TA who won’t give up on trying to catch people who are on their phones: I’m just gonna take it out again when you walk away. GETTIN’ TOLD Do yourself a favor and To that bitch who’s sleep- fucking stop before you ing over in Quad Three: “accidentally” fall down the Get your ratchet ass out stairs. already. We all saw your (I’m sure he’ll appreciate blow up mattress on the reading this and “accidentfloor of your friend’s room. ly” shoving the phone up Honestly, it would be better your ass.) for everyone if you just lived on the street instead. A week ago, my computer science professor had a OLD NEWS small setback when he was writing something and a I honestly cannot believe student asked him if he had that America has decided to set it to “wumbo”. He then elect a black president. quoted EVERY word that Honestly McCain had a Patrick said about wumbo. better policy in general, And I was beginning to worplus he was a war hero! I ry that Rutgers student were just don’t think it’s right uncultured. that a man was elected just #SpongeBobReferencesbecause he was black, you ForLife know? ‘Cause that was def(I remember when they initely the reason. created hashtags. I always So now there are cameras hated them.) attached to phones, eh? What’s next, internet acBABY TIME cess? And why do we need cell phones anyway with Three cheers for all the leap all that fucking texting? year babies who yet again Give me a break. It would have no birthday this year be better for literally ev- and are forever unloved and eryone if we left that shit unwanted. Plus they’re really only like 5 years old. alone. (That’s why you should NEVER do anal with a smurf!)
YURI OF THE WEEK: KRISTA/YMIR
I think that it’s high time that my ex be put in gay baby jail. (This raises so many questions. Like, are the babies arrested for being gay? Or are they turned in prison?) SO blessed with Plan B. Yeah, now I can fuck all the guys I want and if I were to have a baby I would probably just eat it.
WEEKLY REPORT
Totally Awesome Story Time
You guys will not believe what happened to me this week. Ok. So I woke up. And then I got out of bed. Then, I went to get breakfast after getting dressed but decided, “Nah, better get takeout.” So I took the takeout back to my room and ate it(hold on guys the awesome part is coming). So THEN, I go out to class, and I’m on the bus, sitting down and listening to music on my phone. The bus stops several times and then it goes onto College Ave, and I ger off the bus and walk toward the class when suddenly—
SUBMIT YOUR PERSONALS TO themedium.personals@gmail.com MISSED CONNECTIONS
M4M I saw you in the dining hall, as you pushed mound after mound of mashed potatoes down your gullet. It was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen, and I’d love to rub potatoes all over your body. W4M You were a pledge, on your knees getting paddled by an active. Something awoke deep insode of me. I want to spank you myself. M4M I was a pledge, getting paddled by you. As your big, strong arms brough down that plank on my ass, something awoke deep inside of me. I want to get spanked by you some more. M4W You were a very sexy blonde with a couple of tattoos. we glanced at each other while in the line at Dunkin’ Donuts. Then, I got my coffee and accidently spilled it all over you. Needless to say, I think we have something special. M4anyone How can I express my utter disappointment in life? I am lost in the Void. Bitches do nothing but friendzone me so I am considering switching to dudes. God is obviously dead. We all tell each other nothing but little white lies to get us through the day. Anyway if you’re interested, please respond. W4W Three days ago, you looked at me during the Study of Animal Sexuality. Don’t lie to me girl, you felt something. I know that your boyfriend’s out for the weekend so how ‘bout you cut the shit and come over? M4T I made and lost a bet while drunk and now have to fuck one of those women who still have apparent penises. Anyway, if you’re non-judgemental feel free to contact. I hope you like ramming it into dudes’ asses ‘cause that’s what’s happening.
PAGE A7
Wednesday, February 26th, 2014
“The Jew sitting next to me is being super annoying. Yes, I’m talking to you.”
the Medium
***THIS IS A REAL ADVERTISEMENT***
***THIS IS A REAL ADVERTISEMENT***
‘MELO
...continued from Sports
transition to the Big Ten Conference next year. “We’ve put ourselves in a position where we’re right there.” In the mean time, no comments can be obtained from either ‘Melo or the Medium Monkey because ‘Melo is ‘Melo and the Medium Monkey, you know...He is a fucking monkey.
CLASSIFIEDS Birchwood Apartments- we are still accepting applications for next year’s applications, and we have been for three weeks now. Please apply, we need to feed our kids. Visit our website for online application. Need a roommate for next year. I’m well-mannered, moderately Jewish, and I don’t pee in the shower. Thanks! Email me at needroomie@aol.com. 3 white males looking for 2 other white males to live with on Busch campus next week. We are trying to make the impossible happen. Please send any and all inquiries to 6666 BPO Way, Piscataway, NJ, 08834 ASAP.
February 26th, 2014 @MediumSports RutgersMedium.com KNIGHTS WIN FIGHTS
U. Proud of Ray Rice After Arrest BY SPERM BANK DONOR CONTRIBUTING WRITER
PISCATAWAY, NJ-- After video surfaced of Baltimore Ravens’ running back Ray Rice dragging his unconscious fiancé out of an elevator at a hotel in Atlantic City, the Rutgers community universally welcomed him back to the Banks of the Raritan. “While we do not support domestic violence, we do support any publicity our athletic department can get,” said athletic director Julie Hermann. “Mr. Rice helped bring Rutgers football to prominence almost ten years ago and now he is helping us make headlines again.” When asked how this situation can be a positive to the university, Hermann said, “Hell, he won the Texas Bowl for us. The Texas Bowl! Plus, anytime someone else takes the controversy away from me, I’m happy.” Reports from the Atlantic City Police Department say Rice uppercutted his fiancée at Revel Casino prior to the arrest. His former coach, Greg Schiano, was available for comment from his home on a mattress under the bridge next to the Raritan River. “If it was up to me, I would throw him a parade down College Ave. He singlehandedly was the reason anyone knows my name. I mean I got an NFL job because of this guy. Also, do you know anyone hiring?” the former Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach said. The group Fantasy Football Owners Against Rice said in a statement that they did not support the running back. “He was a top-5 pick last
THE OLDER THE BETTER
RUTGERS LACROSSE HOSTS M.I.L.F. Players have never played harder
“We have been in 18-, 20-, his first involvement in the MILF even 15-year-old ones before,” as an undergrad. He played for PISCATAWAY, NJ-- The Rutgers said goalie Sven Josephson, “but the Gonzaga Bulldogs in the lacrosse team welcomes some this is the one everyone wants to 1980's. “We felt like bulldogs when of the best teams in the country be in. This one is more mature we first saw the MILF,” he said. to the Mid-Atlantic Invitational and knows what it’s doing, comLacrosse Festival (MILF) this pared to some of the younger “We just wanted to be all over it and that’s what we did, three, weekend at High Point Solution tournaments.” four, five guys at a time.” Rutgers head coach MatStadium. The Scarlet Knights hope to thew Turner fondly remembers gain some valuable experience from the MILF this weekend. “The Cougars are always tough,” said team captain Scott Williams, of the University of Houston, “and the [Navy] Midshipmen are always all over the MILF.” Now in its 45th year, the MILF has blossomed into a truly stunning thing, according to tournament director Lisa Ann Robinson. Mrs. Robinson said young men travel from all over the country to the MILF, even if they have no chance of getting in. The Knights are no different, as they are hosting the MILF CRADLE THE BALL Tournament director Lisa Ann Robinson proudly looks on. for their first time. BY JUST THE TIP SPORTS EDITOR
year and he averaged-like-four points a week. He singlehandedly ruined my team’s season,” said group president "Dirty Larry" Anderson. “My douche brother-in-law won my league instead. Rice needs to put up top-5 points to be given a free pass to hit a family member in the modern NFL.” Rice could not be reached for comment as he and his fiancé were looking for a wedding veil that would cover the bruises.
THE MEDIUM MEETS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 8:00PM IN ROOM 120B OF THE BCC. WE WELCOME EVERYONE EXCEPT THAT ONE GROUP OF PEOPLE. YOU KNOW WHO.
HIS WIFE TASTES LIKE HONEY NUT CHEERIOS
Rutgers basketball team trades for Carmelo Anthony BY THE HEN HEN MAN COPY EDITOR
PISCATAWAY, NJ-- Less than a week after the All Star Break, Rutgers agreed to a trade right before Thursday's NBA trade deadline that will send Medium Monkey to the New York Knicks in exchange for disgruntled star Carmelo Anthony, an inside source told the Medium. The person requested anonymity because the deal was still pending league approval. However, the Medium was able to reach out to Knicks head coach Mike Woodson for comment. “We’re excited to add a quality player to bolster our frontcourt,” Woodson said, noting that the new addition brings a new animalistic culture to the Knicks' locker room. "Medium
THE WORLDWIDE LEADER IN SHARTS
Monkey can jump, defend, and score. He is one of the most versatile simians in the league and we’re really happy to have him on the team." "Either way you look at it, Medium Monkey plays better defense than Carmelo and J.R. Smith combined." This will be the second bold move athletic director Julie Hermann has pulled after signing 59-year-old veteran point guard Eddie Jordan to a $6.25 million five-year contract for a second stint with the Scarlet Knights. “Our goal all along was to win the NCAA tournament,” Hermann said, adding that the move also allows the Scarlet Knights to smoothen their Continued on Page A7