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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLV Issue XV
February 27th, 2013
BREASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD
quickies
Surprise oscar appearance by First lady marred by wardrobe malfunction BY Sass bass And Damn 'Oman' Chog jr. Staff writers
HOLLYWOOD--The ceremony for the 85th Academy Awards proved to be full of unexpected surprises. However, the biggest surprise did not come until the end of the ceremony, when the award for ‘Best Picture’ was announced. “I was ready to ‘wow’ the audience by having Michelle Obama announce the award” said Oscar winner Jack Nicholson, who had agreed to introduce the First Lady during the ceremony. “But just before she was handed the envelope, her damn tits fell out.” Mrs. Obama, who secretly agreed to participate in the ceremony several weeks ago, failed to notice her own exposed bosom as she prepared to present the Academy Award for Best Motion Picture to Argo. The First Lady was quickly covered up by Secret Service Agents, two of whom placed their heads in the foreground of the camera to shield Mrs. Obama’s nipples
50¢
Bus Door Cuts Kid in Two; Family Excited for New Twins Sophomore Julian Fingers was hurrying to get on the LX at the Livingston Student Center when the doors suddenly closed, cutting him into two new people. Both as identical as if they were looking into a mirror. "We're just so happy to now have two sons," exclaimed mother Mary Fingers. "We always noticed that Julian was missing out in life by not having a brother, it's like Austin (the left side) completes him."
Mob Boss Kills Man with Kindness; Nail Gun
Lights, Camera, Erection!
from the airwaves. “We were prepared for many anomalies,” said Walter Douglass, head of Security for the First Lady. “We were ready for a single nip-slip, an upskirt, cameltoe; we even had an away team set up to prevent side boob. But a full torso exposure? We didn’t even see that coming.” After Mrs. Obama announced
the award, the White House quickly cut the video feed as the Argo production team walked forward to accept the award. “Thank you for this award. It means a lot to the whole cast and crew,” said Director Ben Affleck, as he held his Oscar aloft, seemingly unfazed by the sight of the First Lady’s breasts.
Oblivious American thinks Iran is new Apple product Student Financial Review Finds Money Under Couch Cushion
Darwin or lose
Targum Columnists to Settle Creationism Debate with Death Match BY Randy Butternubs Personals EDITOR
PISCATAWAY--After last week’s heated debate in the University’s The Daily Targum, columnists Ed Reep and Michael Perino arranged to finally settle the creationist-evolutionary debate with a wholesome bare knuckle brawl to the death. The death match has renewed interest in the decades old debate, with many Rutgers students, faculty, and staff looking forward to the gruesome battle between two students who are way too in-your-face about their uninteresting and pretentious opinions. “I really can’t wait for this shit to go down,” said Sophomore James Steiner. “I mean, I
really don’t know much about the theory of evolution. They covered it in my second year of high school, so how could I be expected to remember something like that now? It’s been like … 5 years.” Rutgers University Programming Association will be
and dramatic as possible, while avoiding any references to either competitor’s arguments or supporting evidence. RUPA representative Tiffany Jasper gave Medium reporters an inside scoop of how the whole thing may go down. “As of now, we’re thinking of throwing them both into a cage and having them beat each other with books relating to their respective beliefs.” sponsoring the bloodbath in Jasper announced that the fight order to add more flair. The may be delayed until Rutgers team assigned to planning is Day. “It will be a great opporcurrently considering many ex- tunity to show the community citing options. From a WWE and prospective students how challenge match to a Hunger academic debate can be more Games-inspired massacre, they than a mundane regurgitation of are still mulling their options for quotes, but can be exciting and the death match to be as bloody appeal to our bloodlust.”
Enjoy your free blanket! ESTABLISHED 1970
the Medium
News
Wednesday, February 27h, 2013
“I drank wine out of a box and that was pretty much it"
Christie Achieves Record High Approval Ratings Governor has higher rating than former governors Corporate Shill and Gay Adulterer BY Sum Dum Joo Editor in Chief
On behalf of the entire staff of The Medium, we would like to apologize for an article that was published in this week’s paper regarding Alpha Chi Omega sorority. Since our paper is satirical in nature and no stranger to controversy, it is rare that we apologize for our content. However, it is the feeling of this editorial board that the article in question merits an apology. It was written in a cruel, debasing manner that does not reflect the values or goals of our organization. Our aim is to create humorous content which will entertain the University community; the article that ran this week was cruel and relied on cheap jokes in lieu of humor. By publishing the article, we made a poor judgment to experiment with a style of humor that had entertained our audience years ago. The reaction we received was humbling, and represented a community of readers that stood in solidarity for the sisters of Alpha Chi Omega. We are humbled by the response, and apologize to those offended and for any damage the piece might have caused
TRENTON-- Governor Chris Christie has been praised for his handling of Hurricane Sandy in recent months, and poll readings last week confirmed that New Jersey loves its leader. The Governor, whom polls show at an approval rating of 74%, is now considered the most popular governor to ever hold office in the State. “I am extremely pleased and humbled,” said Christie in a press conference Monday. “I know I was in fierce competition against predecessor Governor Corzine, a former Wall Street executive who raised sales taxes and made an attempt to privatize the highway system and I was running pretty close to Former Governor Jim McGreevy,
she finally quit stringing us along
After 200th Try C. Vivian Stringer Finally Gets 900th Career Victory BY Dr. Tossed Salad Personals Editor
JANUARY 2020--After 7 years of hard work and dedication, C. Vivian Stringer has finally reached career win number 900. Being stuck on her 899th win for seven years, including 6 straight win-less seasons, Stringer was finally able to get the elusive number 900 last night. "It's been a long time coming hasn't it," awkwardly laughed Stringer as she announced her accomplishment to a record setting crowd of 10 people at the RAC. "I'm just so happy all of you could be here to share it with me." "We are very proud of what I guess you can call work Mrs. Stringer has done for us, however, now that the record and season are over, we will be in the process of reviewing Mrs. Stringer and the team's performance" said Athletic Director Tim Pernetti with an excited grin on his face.
Editorial Staff Spring 2013
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Jordan Gochman Brianna Provenzano
Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch
who resigned from his office after having an illicit affair with a male staffer while in office. Both were very popular and I am thankful to the citizens of New Jersey for supporting me.” “For years I have been saying that no man can ever be more popular than Jim McGreevy,” said Walt Hobebs, a Policy Analyst at the Eagleton Institute. “But, I guess people in New Jersey don’t seem to care for a democrat who derailed the government after he swiftly resigned following the leak of a sex scandal with the male Israeli chief of Homeland Security.” “It's even more frustrating that Christie beat Corzine,” continued Hobebs. “I mean, he even refused to receive his gubernatorial salary, mostly because he was a plutocratic billionaire.”
News Editors John Eberhardt Stewart Hallman Features Editor Eli Youseff Opinions Editor Devin Baker Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Adam Romatowski
Pernetti has come under scrutiny for not firing Stringer during her ordeal, about which he commented "I hold my relationship with Mrs. Stringer in highest regards, just as I did with Greg Schiano, and that worked out for the school didn't it?" Even through the win-less parts of the last seven seasons, ESPN never stopped announcing on that bottom ticker that any night could be the night Stringer got number 900. "It turned into a tradddittiun," explained intern-in-charge of the ticker Jeffry Henderson with a slight lisp, "but we knew that she ha-had to get that win evenntuually." Through the process Stringer received the record previously held by Lance Armstrong for most consecutive days on the bottom ticker. Armstrong would not respond to our request for an interview, after he realized that the last of his records had now been lost. Back Page Editor Leif Tornberg Copy Editor Lisa Mathews Sasha Romayev Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Kristen Cignavitch Faculty Advisors Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to fixing mistakes. Apparently we have been the 'Fall 2012' Editorial Staff for the past four issues and no one noticed.
Features
Wednesday, February 27h, 2013
“Damn Brigands”
Life Hacks
How to: Hosting the Oscars
the Medium
Breakin’ it down, with the medium
By Brosef Stalin MIA Features Editor
So it seems you’ve been picked to host the Oscars this year. It’s alright, you don’t have to worry, we understand it can be stressful having to entertain a whole room of people whose sole purpose in life is to entertain others. But don’t worry, we at The Medium have your back, and we’re gonna give you top quality advice to make sure your night will be one to remember for years.
4) Boobs Who doesn’t like boobs?
1) Go over the top The Oscars come and go every year, and they all start to blend together after a while. You have to make your time in the spotline shine. Go all out, nothing is off-limits. Make it a night that those people in that room will never forget.
5) Make people feel awkward If you make the audience feel awkward and uncomfortable about themselves, they will not be able to focus on any goofs or screw-ups that occur on stage, so you can go and relax while the audience squirms in their skin.
2) Take your time Nobody’s busy, feel free to go at your own pace and drag out the show for as long as you feel comfortable with. And remember, as the night goes on, you have to get even more intense, to keep your audience in a state of unbridled excitement
6) Be tasteless Show you are a cool and edgy guy and hip with the times with your jokes. I hear Presidential assassinations are timeless and ripe for the picking with Lincoln being a contender for some awards.
3) Find a balance in your humor Your jokes must appeal to a wide variety of people. Remember, you are in front of society’s most elite members, and thus must make your jokes witty and of high caliber, but simultaneously, you must appeal to the plebeians watching at home. We recommend fart jokes, but feel free to be creative.
7) Racism is always an option When all else fails, get really hardcore racist. Everyone listening will be so confused about where and when they are upon hearing you spout such profanity that you’ll have the perfect opportunity to run far, far away.
Send me junk at themedium.features@gmail.com i’ll run anything Numbers With the medium
15 to 1
3
753
Dudes
Male to female ratio to get into a party at Zeta
Times I’ve had to rewrite these damn numbers.
Crime alerts about suspicious activity around your dorm.
Bro!
now a word from our beloved leader
BARCHI’S Bull-Shit Promises and Plans President Robert L. Barchi came to meet with his constituents for the first time last Thursday night and this is what he talked about: 1. Transportation efficiency- The president stated that he was not fond of the bus system. He wants to build a monorail system that goes over the Raritan from campus to campus. It will cost approximately $7.3 billion and he plans to use undocumented students to build this bridge so they can pay off their student debt. 2. Education Reform- Barky believes students are so painfully stupid and pathetic that they are not even capable of checking a box for an opt-in/opt-out fee on their tuition bill. The president was heard muttering, “Who the fuck in their right mind would actually pay for NJPIRG and the Targum?” He is going to implement an opt-in/opt-out registration to a class that teaches students how to check off boxes on computers. 3. Increased Federal Grants- Our boy Bobert wants to advocate for more grants from the federal government. He plans to use millions to research male pattern baldness and find a cure. He suffers from this horrific deforming disease and just wants to be loved. He also plans on using these federal grants to pay his wife to keep her from divorcing him. Barky just wants to cuddle. 4. Dress Code- The-Less-Effective-Richard-McCormick wants to employ a university-wide dress code. Instead of girls wearing short skirts, they must wear hoop skirts and boys must wear knickerbockers and suspenders Monday to Sunday and then to Monday. The main reason for all of this wardrobe change is because everyone’s ass is always hanging out.
the Medium
OP/ED
“I don’t like this bank on campus so I guess it’s time to...Chase it out.”
DRUG commentary
Viagra: It’s Not Just for Old Geezers Anymore BY JOE TORTELLINI
Move over crack cocaine and weed because Viagra is taking over the streets. That’s right, I said Viagra, the stuff that you think only pruney old men take to get it on. I learned not too long ago that it actually can come in handy for a young bro like myself, and I know that I’m not the only one out there that has made this awesome discovery. A couple nights ago I was sexing it up with this super hot chick and after we finished, she wanted to go again. I thought to myself, “how could I possibly go another round?” I ended up rummaging through my night stand and for some reason found that I had some Viagra. I popped some of those bad boys into my mouth and BAM, instant boner. It was magical. So I started using Viagra on a daily basis. I even began taking the drug in the morning be-
fore heading to class. On a typical day I would just walk right into my lectures and all of the girls’ jaws would drop once they saw the size and girth of my full erection. I’m sure some of them were disgusted but I know a couple of them wanted to come into my candy shop and lick this
“I even began taking the drug in the morning before heading to class.” vanilla lollipop. There is nothing more masculine than walking around campus with your dick grinding up against your jeans. I feel so free and so open while on Viagra. No longer am I afraid to let my bulge take control of my life because it’s going to take me places, places that only a hardened pe-
nis can take me. Don’t get me wrong, Viagra isn’t easy to come by. I’ve had to take drastic measures to get my hands on some of these pills. Just last week I broke into my grandfather’s retirement home and raided the medicine cabinets of a bunch of war veterans. Sounds messed up but let’s be real here. They won’t be having sex anytime soon. These old farts only care about pooping in their adult diapers and watching Wheel of Fortune. This is all about trying new things. Today it’s Viagra and tomorrow it’s chocolate covered bananas. All you guys out there need to live your life to the fullest, which means getting your blood flowing to your dick as soon as possible. And remember, if your erection lasts longer than four hours, don’t call a doctor, just go along for the ride.
ETHICAL QUESTION OF THE WEEK
All of your friends already ate dinner, but you haven’t. Do you go to the dining hall by yourself? YES
BY SAMANTHA ZILTZ It is very important that you get the proper nutrition throughout the day so skipping a meal is not a good idea. Just because your friends already ate does not mean you should avoid eating all together. Many doctors agree that eating three times a day is important for health. There is no reason to be afraid of going to the dining hall by yourself. Bring a book or a newspaper to read. Better yet, how about you go out of your way and make a new friend by talking to someone? It’s as easy as that.
NO
BY DAMIAN TEXCO Don’t even think about it. What loser willingly goes to the dining hall by himself? That’s basically suicide. Dying would literally be better than eating alone. This has nothing to do with being ‘self-conscious’ or worrying about what people think of you. It’s about your pride and maintaining your social status at college. If you’re a dude and a girl sees you eating alone she will instantly think you’re not cool and will never date you. Even worse, she will never have sex with you. You have lost all hope with her. Think about that before going to the dining hall alone.
Wednesday, February 27th 2013
Advice
Ask a Guy Who Got His Facebook Hacked
Dear guy who got his Facebook hacked, I have lived on campus for a long time now and have always bought a large meal plan every semester. I recently realized that I have no idea how to cook. Eventually I’m going to graduate and be living on my own. I won’t have a dining hall to fall back on like I do now. Also, I heard that girls find it really attractive when their man knows how to cook. It shouldn’t be that hard to learn but I have absolutely no idea where to start. Should I buy a cookbook, look for recipes online, or ask a friend if they can help me out? I hope you have some advice for someone who is ready to take on his future. -Hungry in Hackensack Being able to take care of yourself is very important and I definitely believe that cooking falls under this category. To begin, you should- alright hold on I got a notification from Facebook on my phone... WHAT! I do not like having gay buttsex with men! Who the hell posted this? This is ridiculous! AHH! I can’t even erase this status! Whatever, it’s no big deal. Cooking is actually not that difficult to learn. You just need to pick up a cookboo... are you serious right now? Apparently my favorite sport is now masturbation and I “like” Justin Bieber. I probably left my Facebook logged in back at my dorm. Damn, I have to be extra careful next time. Anyway, listen up. Usually about once a week I make sure to connect with a few friends where we all cook together, and the best part is that... MOTHERFUCKER! I am going to kill my roommate! He messaged my mom, telling her how sexy she is and how her cooking turns me on. Now that’s just nasty. Oh god, this is the worst day of my life.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I Am So Ready For This Test BY DEREK PAPORMAN
I am totally ready to conquer this exam. I’ve been studying my ass off this past week and I even pulled an all nighter to make sure I’m fully prepared. I am so hyped up on coffee and energy drinks (including some Four Loko) that I have to pee every five seconds. I can tell you that it’s gonna be totally worth it when I ace this thing. No one deserves this A as much as I do. Bitches be like “you wanna study together, Derek?” and I’m just like “yeah right, get someone else to mooch off of.” I can’t let anyone slow me down when I’m on that study grind. I can’t wait to see the other students’ reactions when they see my grade. They are all gonna be in awe and amazement.
Keep Your Pants On, Derek
BY ADVANCED CALCULUS FOR ENGINEERING TEST Do you even know what class this is? This is Advanced Calculus for Engineering. No one gets past me alive. You expect to just come in here and act like I’m an Intro to Sociology exam? You better think again, motherfucker. I am the highest level math class here at Rutgers and you think that just because you studied that it’s gonna make a difference? Even though you won’t get even close to an A, I like your enthusiasm, Derek. It shows that students still believe that they can actually do well on me. I have made so many students cry and shattered so many dreams. You are no different than the rest of them, so just wait and see for yourself. Good luck. Muahahahahahaha!
Wednesday, Febuary 27h, 2013
FArts
the Medium
“Just let me push the cat”
CAT PUSH
SENIORITIS
I’M WIDE AWAKE
SUBMISSION
ated
m Ani t s r Be Film o f ar rt Sho Osc
ARE YOU THE NEXT ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ARTIST? PROBABLY NOT! YOU’RE PROBABLY JUST SITTING ON YOUR LAZY BUTT OF LOST DREAMS AND WISHES. BUT YOU CAN STILL GET PUBLISHED ON MY PAGE IF YOU SHOW ME SOME GOOD ARTWORK. SUBMIT TO: THE MEDIUM.ARTS@GMAIL.COM
CONGRATS TO
PIXAR’S PAPERMAN! AND I GUESS BRAVE IS GOOD TOO.
the Medium
Personals
DEAL WITH IT
STARSTRUCK
TO THE CHOIR
To the guy eating at his computer next to me at the college ave comp lab: your food smells like shit and drifting videos are for faggots.
Dear CNN: nobody gives a shit about some Speedy Gonzalez Cripple and his dead girlfriend. You suck at news and wonder why no one watches your shitty channel.
To the entire god forsaken Rutgers community: am I crazy here or are you all dumb, horrible, selfish people? Sometimes I feel like I am a small fish swimming in a big pond, a big pond full of disgusting, lazy flounder who smell bad and are always drunk. I sit among you in classes, on the bus, in the dining halls, and I can’t help but feel the overwhelming and somewhat depressing feeling that not one of you has read a newspaper in the past two months. Of a sampling of 10 Rutgers students, how many would actually know who John Boehner is? Sigh...now I’m starting to sound like an elitist hipster. I’ll just go back to staring sadly into my froot loops in brower, listening to the people next to me talk about the puppy Harlem shake.
(No drifting videos are cool. Well most of the time they, uh... erm... yeah okay they are for faggots.) To the asshole who tripped over my charger in the RSC, how do you not fucking see it sticking out of the floor. You had the whole room to walk through, no one was around and you have to walk right through my charger. Then when you see its been pulled out of the floor and that the top fell off it you have the balls to ask me if it’s broke. No its just fucking fine it’s gonna work great now that you just fucking stepped on it you stupid assfuck. (Charging wires kill thousands of students every year. Luckily, these students are usually bum-fuck retarded, so if they didn’t trip on a wire, they probably would have choked on their tongue. Next time dude, try barbed wire. ) To our fucking asshole backpage editor. Dont dump us with your page literally an hour before we start production. Come in and do it yourself. We know it’s not that hard. Sincerely, the other Medium editors whose nights you just ruined.
Wednesday, February 27th 2013
“I was auditorily raped by a cotton swab this morning.”
(Excuse me sir, but I take offense to your assertion. I happen to be a loyal fan of the Cute Nipple Network.)
To every channel that caught Jennifer Lawrence’s fall at the Oscars. Thank you. Thank you so much. (I suppose that trip wasn’t in the PLAYBOOK. But she won an Oscar so let’s look at the SILVER LINING. Huh? Get it? No? Fuck you then.)
Holy shit, i think kim kardashian is preggers!
(HEY! Don’t clutter up my page with this stupid paparazzi bullshit. The Medium is a fucking classy newspaper.)
LATE VALENTINES To the girl in my education class: I’m not normally one for curvy girls but my god, I would do some HORRIBLE things to dat ass of yours. If only you had less acne... (Less acne? C’mon man, a pizza tastes better with more toppings.)
To the f****** fraternity supposely doing valentines deliveries in front of the student center. Did you f****** go on vacation with our money? Valen(This personal is bad and tine passed and still no you should feel bad.) fuc**** deliveries were To all the ugly and flat made. Haven seen non of chested girls here at rut- you bitches... gers, grow some fucking (Hey man, roofies are hella tits! I want to live out my expensive.) fantasy of banging tomb raider To the ginger ass creep (1. you mean Lara Croft, on the REXL last week, and 2. saying that you want I saw you checking out to ‘bang tomb raider’ makes those 2 white chicks you everyone think of some pret- were sitting between. It was creepy as hell. Every ty graphic necrophillia.) time they talked to each To the chem department, other, you would stare your last exam left me se- at their lips. Gosh, you riously butt hurt. I don’t don’t even know them! think I can come to lec- Stahp it. ture any more, not like I (Be nice. Gingers need love went before, so fuck it too. Checking out hot lip
(Wow, you sound crushed and defeated. Take heart in that with your new demeanor, Rutgers has now successfully prepared you for the adult world. Congrats.) Please, PLEASE SHUT UP! I’ve got a two exams tomorrow and a 15 page paper due thursday. Concentration is literally impossibre with you assholes above me getting drunk off your ass and screaming like you’re on fire. I need quiet, so shut the fuuuuuuck up. (On fire? Dude, I think you might be living under Nelson Labs. Those guys are dead man.)
here’s a rant on how fucking retarded rutgers is. it’s honestly better to fail a fucking class than to get a D in it. A D doesn’t give you credit to take the next level of your class so you’re obviously forced to retake it. but when you retake it your grade ends up becoming the average of the d and the whatever you get next. on the flip side if you just fail the class and retake it your new grade just becomes your grade in terms of gpa calculations (I’m glad I don’t have action is their only way to and shit. what the fuck? chemistry. Getting anally get off these days. Without a why would you encourpenetrated by an HCl cov- soul it can be really hard for age your students to fail ered glass ram-rod certainly them to control themselves. instead of at least trying sounds painful, and juicy.) PS I’ll tell him to ‘stahp’.) to pass?
MOAR PERSONALS One. Only ONE guy sent in the punchline. Remeber the joke, “Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg?” Well the punchline was “It’s okay, he’s alright now!” Al-Right, GET IT! Whatever, I’ll give you another chance. Guess the punchline to “Why were all the strawberries upset?” Send your guesses and personals to themedium.personals@gmail.com.
LIVINGSTON
CALM YOURSELF
To the dick who left ass hair all over the toilet seat in the second floor bathroom in Tillett Hall: fuck you.
To the feminist beeatch on douglass the other day, I understand that you want “equality” but listen to this: women usually get the better deal in divorce and tehy can usually jail a man just by lying and saying that he raped her. Don’t you go around saying men are oppressive when your vagina’s give you all of society’s power.
(Seriously? How did you not see that coming. This is Tillet we’re talking about. It’s a miracle that you only found ass hair.)
To the livingston dining hall, what’s with all the shitty fruit this semester? All you serve is cantaloupe and grapes that look like lance Arm- (All bow down to the all strong’s diseased testicles powerful vagina!)
(You eat fruit that looks like M O T H ERF U C K ER balls? Haha GAAAAAAY!) THERES A FIRE ON BUSCH SHIT IS GOING To the Rock Cafe, OPEN DOWN SHIT IS GOING THE FUCK UP. you’re DOWN!!! the only place here that has edible food,dont let (Sorry dude I farted.) me starve. To my anal sphincter, I’ve taken a shit twice in the RAWR! last 30 minutes. please give me a fucking break To my Bitchosaurus Rex and if this is because I’ve professor: you are the been eating all those fiber most vindictive and pas- one bars im sorry okay. sive-aggressive bitch that The toilet paper here is I have ever had the mis- really starting to rip me fortune of dealing with. to shreds. You blame your students for problems that if you (... Thanks for sharing. hadn’t been a lazy whore Dammit what’s with all the could have solved easily. ass stuff today?) You do not actually help To brower takeout, YOU anyone, and instead give ARE FUCKING SCUM! I us your snotty attitude got home with my chickwhen we ask for it. You en nuggets and the’re are the exact type of per- cold as TITS. i really son that people think of shouldnt be surprised bewhen they say academia cause your food is poison sucks. I cannot WAIT to anyway but c’mon, with fill out my evaluation of all these midterms don’t your class at the end of i deserve at least one hot the semester, it’s gonna meal? be a bloodbath. Fuck you (No, no you don’t.) you worthless cuntrag. Rutgers Library, Y U NO (The Bitchosaurus Rex is HAVE OPEN COMPUTtruly a magnificent crea- ERS!!!! ture. They can usually be found avoiding their own (I wish you fucking memers office hours or tirelessly would just stick to 4chan searching for mates on and porn sites, you’re serieHarmony.) ously hurting my page.)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, February 27th 2013
the Medium
“If you hold the head steady I can milk the cow.”
THE DOCTOR IS IN THIS BITCH
ANOTHER ASSHOLE
YUMMY YUMMY
From the office of your Right Page Editor Dr. Tossed Salad,
What the fuck did you just fucking park here for, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in RUPD training, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on dormitories, and I have over 300 confirmed tickets. I am trained in giving parking tickets and I’m the top officer in the entire university. You are nothing to me but just another student. I will ticket you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with parking that shit in the deck? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the campus and your car is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking ticketed, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can ticket you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Rutgers University Police Department and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the campus, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” park job was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking clutch. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking ticketed, kiddo.
To the new takeout lady they have at busch. You are so fucking hot. You’re like a mix of mrs. butterworth and the cool asian girlfriend I’ve always wanted. When you’re off, tell me so you can get off. Sincerely, the guy with ultra schwag.
I have to say I am very impressed with all of the personals I got this week. As a reward, whoever sent in a personal will be getting the chance to have a FREE full body physical done by yours truly Dr. Tossed Salad. However, don’t start stroking yourselves just yet, I still want more, cause my wife sucks my dick for five minutes for every personal I get, so keep em coming so I can keep cumming! Send them to themedium.personals@gmail.com And then you can come to our meetings in the Rutgers Student Center from 7:30pm to 8:30pm Wednesday nights in the Cap and Skull Room (4th Floor).
RESPECT
ASSHOLE
To our professor with the tattoo: holy fuck bro, your street cred just went up tenfold! I wonder if in your high school days everyone made fun of you for being a straight up square and all, but then BAM! You whip out your arm tat and defy all stereotypes known to man! I hope you get promoted for being a West Coast bau5!
To whoever the lowlife scumbag is who stole my school bag from my car on Thursday night...I hope my computer got you some nice crackrocks and my entire semester of notes and two textbooks helped you learn something. I subsequently hope that you are shot by NBPD while you run away unarmed and they piss on your dead body, because that is what you To whoever wrote the deserve you worthless personal last week about fucking animal. the dude with the little husky puppy and getting (I don’t know who is worse, laid tonight, I saw that the assfuck to the right who dude today with three is writing tickets, or the guy chicks around him, all who stole your computer. I saying how cute his dog would love to see both of was. Odds are he had to them have the shit beat out get one of their numbers of them.) right.
WHAT STYLE
(All I can say about this dude is that he now owns To all guys who think College Ave. He runs that they look good with a shape up: I’m confused shit.) by your total lack of selfTo the Livingston librar- awareness, and even ian with the best beard... more confused by that Omg man, why did you ugly buzzed detail on trim it down? That beard your head. was damn epic. I will miss it. Glad you didn’t (All these white and Indian shave full on though. I guys take one trip into NB and they think they can love you libraribeard <3 hang wit the niggas.)
WATCH OUT To the grimy half-witted homeless guy who tried to wash my windsheild, the faching cloth of yours literally scratched my windschield. You better hope I don’t find you or I’m selling your organs to pay for it. (They like to hang here because they get beatup if they go into little Mexico. Gotta watch out for them.)
To the indian guy spotted chugging Franzia on Easton Ave Saturday night: dude, weren’t you a little far away from Knight Club? Can’t say I wasn’t a little jealous of your style though...you look like the kind of guy who knows how to have a good time with Refreshing White no matter where he is, if you catch my drift..
(Fuck you and your ticket too you fucking asshole. I have to say I hate each and every one of you fucks that writes tickets. All we’re trying to do is park close to get to class on time and you have the balls to write people stupid fucking tickets. I have a question for you, do you not have a fucking soul? Cause only people who don’t would work for the RUPD writing tickets.)
HATERS GONNA HATE
To 2-Chainz: how the fuck does a dumbass nigga like you get to “ride around and git it” while the rest of us people in your age group are unemployed and overeducated? I hope someone caps yo ass while you’re in the middle of getting (No one says “schwag” any- head by a fat bitch. more you douche. Just for that I’m goin to Busch right (Why can he do this, cause now and I’m gonna fuck the he’s 2-Chainz bitch. Don’t shit outta this new takeout hate on a brotha for makin chick and send ya a video of bank and gettin some head the whole thing. But thanks from a fat bitch. They used for giving me the heads up to eating and no one gags bout her.) better, don’t knock it till you try it.) To the cockgobbler who said “Hello children” To the kid who just apto all the people in line plied to my dept at work: waiting to print at the how the fuck are you College Ave Computer a JMS major with a 2.5 lab last Wednesday: what GPA? I mean, seriously the fuck is your problem? bro, you belong in the Yeah, those girls were same category as History somewhat annoying but and English majors. Turn you really don’t need to the fuck around and get let your insecurities and some better grades, cause sexual frustration mani- you sure as hell ain’t getfest like that. Pull the hot ting a job with ME as iron rod out of your ass, your boss! douche. (Damn can’t give the guy a (Yes, and pull it out nice and break can you shithead. You slowly to savor the sensa- sound like a rich fuck not tion, hey we all do it right?) wanting to give the little guy a job. I’m gonna guess To the people who stand and say that you’re another and stare at passion pud- fucking Bio major looking dle at 8:30 am every sin- down on people who actugle day...what the fuck- ally have unique majors.) ing fuck are you doing?
DISTRACTED
(I think you guessed it... they’re about to fucking fuck, nothing gets by you does it.)
GROW UP To all the weirdos who laughed obnoxiously for about ten minutes after the professor made reference to a fart joke, please mature about forteen more years before you come near this class again. To my loser TA, stop getting all pissy when it’s monday morning and we’re not jumping out of our seats to answer your questions. Just continue on with your lame lecture so we can get the fuck outta here. (Both of you shut the fuck up and stop bitching.)
To the guy who was lookin at tits in my lecture this morning, can you at least switch up the sizes or get something other then white chicks, if I’m gonna be distracted I’d also like to be entertained. (Dude if you’re gonna distract people stay in your room... wait, he was looking at what? Why are you complaining you picky bitch.) To the girl in my seminar who will not SHUT THE FUCK UP, I swear to god you make my classroom experience miserable. It’s like you’re so desperate for the professor’s cock that you have to show him your bearth of knowledge about Nietszche at every given opportunity...please shut the fuck up for five seconds.
The Back Page “But I like it when Stan talks about God”
Wednesday, February 27th, 2013
Connect the Dots - Of Your Mind BY KCIG | Staff Writer
Mini What’s
Shakin’
Tonight at 7:30 PM Medium Meeting: CAP & SKULL We start stretching at 7:15 but the grease wrestling doesn’t start until 7:30. Come check us out, freshmen are desired and welcome above all others! Friday, February 29th Leap Year! Don’t forget! This is the year that we get an extra day on the calendar. That means an extra day until rent is due! This Friday and Saturday LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS! The show is already sold out, probably because our EIC joined the cast of the show last week to cover for the lead role, as he is an extremely talented and handsome person.
Poetry Corner
Road to Spring Break BY KCIG| Head Writer
-An actual submission-
Connect the dots of this game to discover a new, even shitter game
For those who once have been rejected: Don’t express your emotions to the wrong person. Be patient, because you deserve better. And that better will find you. But if that “better” is someone that once rejected you, when it took you courage to express your emotions. Turn your back on them. That person was too blind to see your courage and honesty through their pride ... A mere fool he is, One who doesn’t deserve you. Friend zone him, know your worth. He lost you... He lost me And what we could have been Bitter
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Let your imagination run wild. Submit some fuckin’ games and shit.
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Behold the sole contribution of this page’s editor this week <-----