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February 4th 2015
Volume XLIX Issue I 50¢ RUTGERS SAVED!
BARCHI MAKES IT RAIN ON STUDENT DEBT BY BOX CUTTER NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK— Attention to all Rutgers students! President Barchi met with members of the University Senate yesterday morning and spontaneously decided that Rutgers University would be the first institution to alleviate student debt. Hundreds of students gathered in front of Brower Commons on slushy Tuesday afternoon to celebrate the news. One of the students explained through tears: “I don’t have to pay for beauty school after I graduate so that I can get a secure job to pay for my student debt. I can start with a clean slate and a social science degree!” A fraternity in attendance at the celebration invited everyone for a study session on Saturday. President Barchi added that “Young people should not pay thousands and thousands of dollars for education!” On answering our question about where the money
QUICKIES
Bruce Jenner to become fourth Kardashian
The popular Olympic athlete and show host recently underwent plastic surgery in hope of becoming a member of the Kardashians! Will she be able to keep up with the high standards set by Kim?
Students are addicted to second hand smoke "MAKE IT RAIN" President Barchi loosens up at the impromptu celebration
is going to come from, the president responded, “I learned that I have a recently deceased relative in Nigeria who had chosen me to receive their entire life’s savings. I thought to myself, I really don’t need this money, let me pass it on to the students, and so here I am!” We asked our educational
analyst Simi Longbottom how we got here: “Well, the national student debt has reached the $1 trillion ceiling. Students kept taking credits they can’t pay back and majors they can’t find jobs with. You have to be an idiot not to realize this shit is goContinued on Page 2
BOKO IS IN LOVE WITH THE COCO
Boko Goes Loco in Boca BY PAULIE VALENTINE MANAGING EDITOR
BOCA RATON, FL—Members of the terrorist organization Boko Haram, including their leader Abubakar Shekau, have been spotted at a resort in Boca Raton. According to a source in the Nigerian government, after two successful major abductions of female students and many hostage payoffs, the cash-rich organization has decided to use its funds for vacation. “I think we deserve this,” said leader Shekau in a video released by the organization yesterday via their instagram account. “We’ve been doing a really good job at purging West-
ern education out of our country, it’s only right we have some fun and some cosmos!” Shekau then went on dancing in his new swimwear and shooting rounds off a machine gun propped on his groin. The militants will be staying at the Waldorf Astoria Boca Raton Resort and Club. Their accommodations are extremely private and upscale ; Members have been seen on various balconies on the sixth floor (outside the penthouse suite) suggesting they have reserved every room on the Continued on Page 2
Showing Up to the Party Since 1970
Weird fuck goes to Hooters just for lunch 90% of freshman no longer marine bio majors Pre-Law student accused of rape produces signed, notarized documents of consent
Marshawn Lynched ? Fraternities to promote misogynist safe space Unfortunate typo causes bully to lick your ass Greek economy saved by charging $5's at the door
the Medium
NEWS
Wednesday, February 4th, 2015
themedium.news@gmail.com
"For me, the true winner of the Australian Open is Williams' ass."
HELP, I'VE FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP
NEWS IN PICTURES
Health Services to Distribute Modern Day Gutenberg Life Alerts to Students Prints "Novel" at Rutgers
Computer Lab
small device worn around the neck to be used in emergencies such as accidentally opening the door to Jehovah's Witnesses or slamming a car door on your finger. The user simply presses the button and waits for help to arrive, usually within a couple of minutes. Levy, a loyal Life Alert user herself, says Life Alert has saved her life numerous times, and wishes that those students who have passed away this year had Life Alert. Students can obtain a Life Alert device at any of the health centers on campus; all that is required is an RUID and one easy payment of $19.99, plus shipping and handling. Due to budgetary constraints, the Life Alerts will be given to students in lieu of condoms this year. Levy is asking all students to plan accordingly around this.
BY JANET JANUARY NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK— In a response to the shocking number of student deaths this year, Rutgers Health Services has decided to distribute Life Alerts to all students at the Rutgers-New Brunswick campus. Miranda Levy, M.D., the Acting Director of Health Services, says that an exorbitant 0.017% of the Rutgers student population has passed away so far this year, which makes student safety a priority this semester. Those unfamiliar with Life Alert might recognize it from the “Help I’ve Fallen and Can’t Get Up” commercial that features an elderly woman falling down in her kitchen (which was famously featured on the TV show America’s Funniest Home Videos in 1997). Life Alert is a "MAKE IT RAIN"
...continued from front
ing to blow up.” Fortunately, Rutgers students do not have to worry about that anymore. In lieu of the usual Monday night Crime Alert, all students received a 4 year financial survey and were asked to upload their credit
Editorial Staff Spring 2015
card information and social security number. President Barchi assures students that this definitely not a scam and that he just needs this information to facilitate the money transfer from Nigeria into the United States.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Justin Lesko Michael-Vincent
Henry Yeh Fratypus
"WE ALL KNOW THIS GUY" Oblivious sophomore Danny Perreti happily prepares for his super difficult Chem lecture by printing out ALL of his professor's Power Point slides for the week.
Guess what? For the first time in recorded history, we have two female news editors. BUT IT'S TOTALLY NOT A BIG DEAL, OK? See you tonight at our general meeting: 8:00, Busch Center, 116A BOKO HARAM
...continued from front
6th floor penthouse. “We value all of our guests equally and discretion is a top priority,” said manager Jared Keip. He was then asked about Haram. “It is not part of our policy to discuss our guests, privacy is of the utmost importance,” said Keip before quickly excusing himself to deal with an incident involving a gun that was stuck in a hot tub jet. However, the media savvy militants do not seem to be keeping their private News Editors Lesly Kurian Sara Velimirovic Features Editor Meg Fernandez Opinions Editor Yagnesh Patel Arts Editor Jonathan Holzsager Personals Editor Kaitlin Rogers Page A7 Editor Eli Youssef
workings to themselves. Photos of top officials in the group have appeared in hot tubs and on beaches for the public to gawk at and keep as souvenirs. The US government is puzzled by how exactly Boko Haram entered the United States. The FBI and CIA are working to understand the break and have dispatched a Navy Seal team to attempt to extract the leader from his afternoon mudbath, however the air space around Boca is impenetrable by anyone who makes less than a million dollars daily. Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche Club Mascot
Matthew Fastiggi Aly Grindall Michelle Flynn Adam Romatowski William Field Absentee Kids Fratypus
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the victims of the Charlie Hebdo attacks in Paris. May you rest in peace.
FEATURES
Wednesday, February 4th, 2015
“I’ve been planning a solid career path since like the 5th grade”
themedium.features@gmail.com
PATERNO KNEW
the Medium
ROSES ARE RED, BALLS ARE BLUE
I Escaped From Penn State
How To Enhance Your Tinder Game BY GRIND ALL OUR KINDA OK SEXPERT
With the new term starting the same thing is on everyone’s minds, who the hell am I fucking this semester? When trying to find a suitable Today we will feature the first excerpt from a memoir set to be re- fuck buddy there are many routes but the most promising one for sure is leased in 2016 by Jason Masterson, who was able to make a daring es- the social app tinder. Here are 5 tips to enhance your tinder game cape from Penn State University ten years ago. 1. First picture is a selfie. Second picture is half naked picture at the They call it Happy Valley but I can assure you there is nothing beach. Third picture is you with a pretty person of the opposite sex (hey happy about it. Before you even realize you’re in a cult, they dress you in they liked it so you might?). Fourth is dressed up. Fifth is with your dog blue and white and indoctrinate you with stories of better times. Rituals or your mom. on Saturday afternoon are central to keeping you in line. Over 100,000 gather around to watch a barbaric practice known as football. Clad in all 2. Throw in a quote like “dreamers never die” or a Taylor Swift lyric white like the clouds of the heavens above us, we watched our stronger to show your sensitive side. “I’ve got a blank space baby and I’ll write and faster peers in a staged battle in a shrine known as Beaver Stadium. your name”… That chick is the master of getting laid and you know why? Central to this was our dear leader, the wise elder known only as JoePa. It’s because that shit is Gold! While he never seemed particularly intelligent or powerful, they told us he was a god and we believed it. Only after I escaped did I realize he was 3. Throw in some reviews from past hook ups. People need to know a mere mortal like us. that they are in for a good fuck sesh EXCLUSIVE DETAILS INSIDE
CHERISH THAT COMM DEGREE
The Signs of An Easy A BY SWEATY PIZZA BOY
EASY AS YO MAMA
4. Start every conversation with a cool pick up line. Try “Are you ice cream because I want to spoon you”. No matter who it is they’ll appreciate your hard work in using google for something other than porn. 5. Fuck that literally just say “aye babe wanna fuck?” right to the point. You’ll get a yes or no and won’t have to fuck around with the annoying “But I just wanna talk!” hoes. And remember, don’t trust Jesus, wrap your penis
DESKS ARRANGED IN CIRCLES YOUR PROFESSOR TAKES THE TIME TO KNOW YOUR NAME THE PROFESSOR HAS AWEFUL HANDWRITING EVERYONE IN CLASS LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE BEING SUJECTED TO TORTURE NO POWERPOINTS
YOUR SAKAI GETS MORE NOTIFICATIONS THAN YOUR INSTAGRAM
6 Tips to Hiding a Boner in Class BY A GUY WITH A LOT OF BONERS
1. 5TH GRADERS DRESS BETTER THAN THE PROFESSOR
EASY AS YO MAMA
New Hard Facts
EXPOS, EXPOS, EXPOS
AWW FUGG
Tuck it up, into the ceiling tiles.
2. Let it all hang out. Be proud of who you are and the amazing meat stick that your creator endowed you with. 3.
Think of Sarah Jessica Parker’s face.
4. Close it in your textbook. Scientists have proven that slamming your boner in a 600 page hardcover book will prevent blood from engorging your shaft.
SEND YOUR FEATURES SUBMISSIONS TO 5. Bruce Jenner. THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM. AND THEN AFTER YOU SUBMIT STUFF, COME Find a partner to do the deed. Make sure she is consenting for TO OUR WEDNESDAY MEETINGS, IN RM116A IN 6. God’s sake, Rutgers really does not need another scandal. BSC. IT’S REALLY, REALLY FUN, I PROMISE!
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, February 4th, 2015
“Let’s turn Rutgers into a slip-n-slide.”
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Buy My Mix-Tape
BY TYMAN JOHNS Yo, you over there. Lemme borrow your headphones for a second. I swear you won’t be disappointed. I’m just gonna plug it in my cassette player, old school you know? It’s gonna be the next big thing, I swear; it’s my mixtape you feel? Check it out man, my name is spreading like wildfire these days around the Brunswicks, I even got a show up in Brick City this weekend. Look out for it man, my rap name is Thug-N-Gun, hottest spitter on these streets, know what I mean? Aight, just let it sink in now alright, give it a good listen. And after that, yo, just five dollars and this tape is yours. That’s right, just five dollars man. You gotta support me and my dreams, heck even my baby. Trust me, this is an investment, cause when I make it big you gonna have one of the originals, the OG mixtape. It’ll sell for, shit, millions man. I swear, just five dollars though and you just gotta wait a couple of years cause then I’ll be signed and making all the dough. Only five dollars, bro.
Visit My Bandcamp Instead
BY JESSE WINKLER Hold up, you already know that Hip Hop isn’t what it used to be. It used to be a serious form of art and showcase musicianship, but know it’s just a talentless hole of depravity and foolishness. On the other hand, you should check out my bandcamp. Best part? It’s totally free and you get to listen to my band and I’s approach to music. Of course, if you dig what we do, you should totally hit that donate option at the bottom, seriously support your local musicians. We’re going for that indie-urban garage twist you know? And we’re called Cold Pizza Jamboree. A really completely different yet interesting and revitalizing take on music. Before you know it, we’ll move on from Kenny’s basement and get our own label and producer and make it huge. I’m talking about MadisonSquare-Garden big, baby. Seriously, just check out our bandcamp and seriously support us making even more awesome music by hitting that donate option. Also share the link with all your friends on Twitter and Facebook so even more people will check us out. You’re really doing the entire industry of music a favor by going onto our bandcamp and donating, I swear!
STATE OF UNIVERSITY COMMENTARY
Ice is Great! BY STACIE SWANSON
I don’t get why everyone is up all in such a fit over the ice on the sidewalks. What they are lacking is the creativity to think outside of the box and use it for their advantage! For instance, no longer do I need to walk over to class, instead I just slide over there! I am graceful as a swan, gliding across the sidewalks and into class in just a few mere moments. And what about the fact that with all this ice, I don’t even need to pay money to go into an ice skating rink. Just head over to one of the parking lots and let your body flow freely! It definitely beats whatever RUPA tries to do at the Douglass Student Center! Seriously, give it a try. In fact, I’ll show you how it’s done. First you make sure everything is secure, shoelaces tied, and be on the look out for others who are still trying to struggle through walk through this ice. And then, all you do is push off with one foot, just like this! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
COME TO OUR MEETING TONIGHT! THERE WILL BE LOTS OF FUN, I SWEAR BSC: 8PM: ROOM 116A
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
PROFESSOR REFLECTIONS
I Know You Know The Answer
BY YOUR PROFESSOR I can’t believe it. It’s only been a month you students were off of school yet it seems as if you guys were hit back into elementary school in terms of knowledge. I know for fact you all went over this because you have to take that subject as a prerequisite for this class! I even taught that goddamn class last semester! It’s literally the simplest thing we learned in that entire class! And it’s not just this, it’s every fucking question I have asked for the past two weeks. I let Syllabus week pass since many of you were just waking up from your slumber of idiocy, and I shed some mercy last week due to the unnecessary snow days, but enough is enough. Every time I turn around from the board and ask a question, you all just gaze at me with your stupid little eyes and just wait with blank faces. Then the unfortunate tasks is bestowed upon me to choose one of you for the sacrificial altar that is opening your mouth just once besides taking in oxygen that you needlessly steal from the more productive members of society. I swear, I hate it just as much as you all do, in fact probably more. Because what happens is that the answer this buffoon is able to blurt out is so inconceivably stupid that it makes the massive turd I am going to drop after this class look intelligent. Compared to you, Sarah Palin could be considered the next Socrates or Da Vinci. Maybe if you could just spend a little bit more time focusing on what I am doing, instead of your phones calling each other “bae” and “fuckboy” or whatever nonsense jargon you use today, you might actually be getting your money’s worth. And after this lecutre is over, half of you are going to come up to me when I just want to get out of this classroom for wasting my existence as a human being and ask me to repeat something I already went over last class, earlier this class, and once more right before it ends. Now will someone please save me any hope for this generation of students and please tell me how this beta coefficient is calculated for this particular capital’s industry? I know you know the answer!
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What Did You Do Over Break? “What? School started already?” Ryan Macanter Still Hibernating SAS Senior
“Man I smoked so much weed, like maybe two a day!” Steve Skream SEBS Freshman “I started my HypoPilates-Keratin-Yoga Cleanse since New Years and I am still going strong!” Stephanie Beau ‘Healthy’ SCI Sophomore
ARTS
Wednesday, February 4th, 2015
themedium.arts@gmail.com
“Only Europeans use metric units. And scientists. Mostly drug dealers, though.”
the Medium
GAME DAY BY ANONYMOUS MGSA SENIOR You’ve found the Arts Page of The Medium. And you’re actually reading the words here. You must be bored out of your skull. Here’s my deal: I want submissions. Nay! I need submissions to produce quantity. No one expects quality. Just send in something. themedium.arts@gmail.com As always, we encourage you to visit us Wednesdays at 8pm, at the BCC Room 116A Also, call your grandmother. She’s worried and wants to hear from you.
GOOD LUCK, CHARLIE
THE YUMMIEST TUMMY: FAT BITCH REVIEW
BY HANNIBAL LECTER FOOD COLUMNIST
Hello, Clarice. I’m glad you’ve taken the time to join me today as I review one of Rutgers University’s proudest achievements: the Fat Bitch. I will enumerate the ingredients of this filling morsel along with my professional opinion of each element. First, the cheese steak. Each decadent mouthful is saturated with the most scrumptious juice
of steak grease and hot cheese. It is gravy, figuratively. Now, Clarice, the mozzarella sticks in the Fat Bitch must be comprised of the finest Tuscany has to offer. While this may seem like a redundancy, this mozzarella compliments the Cheez Whiz of the genuine Philadelphian article. The chicken fingers were well-sized, analogous to the
chubby digits you would find on an actual fat bitch. You know, the kind who would “put the lotion in the basket.” The french fries and ketchup consummated the medley of fast food with the potato starch and corn syrup my American palate prefers. Conclusively, I recommend the Fat Bitch and its chef for your next dinner outing.
PERSONALS
the Medium SCUMBAG WEATHER The other day I tried to go to class, but there was a huge-ass puddle in front of the building. You couldn’t get by without stepping in it and getting your shit all messed up. So naturally I turned around and went (Skipping a class?! Tsk tsk. I just skip all of them.) Why the fuck is every sidewalk coated in the Antarctic? (Global warming, that’s why. We’re all gonna die.) What’s up with these fuck boys wearing shorts in negative 10 degrees. (They’re trying to prove their manliness. See, they want girls to fight over whoever wears the least amount of clothes in the cold for the longest amount of time. Too bad society is (mostly) civilized at this point and this isn’t the Polar Plunge.)
“I have no idea what I’m doing.”
SUPERBOWL Deflated bawls. (Ok. Thanks for that.) If Katy Perry had fallen off that giant Transformer tiger we would’ve really heard her roar. (Hehehe, nice. Oh wait, I mean, that’s a terrible thing to say!) I’m so tired I feel like that dead kid from the Nationwide commercial. (Don’t we all, man. Don’t we all.)
WEIRD DREAMS
HAI
I had a dream that I was dating a gay guy because he thought I was nice and wanted to try out dating. (I’m a girl.) While this was going on, I was also dreamdating another guy. Then the other day in real life I found out that the second guy is actually gay too. What does this mean??!!? (It means that you secretly wish you were gay, and/ or you’re just really fucked up.)
Once I dreamed that I was doing my homework. TINDER PERILS First of all, what the hell is wrong with me. Second So I downloaded Tinder of all, I was super sad that one day to talk to some new I still had to do it when I people cuz I was bored. I woke up. started talking to this guy from Australia who was (Wow. Your life pretty much studying abroad here for the sucks.) semester because fuck yeah, FRAT LIFE Australia. The only problem is that after awhile I actually Yo kid who I fucked in the started to fall for him. And bathroom. I still have your now he’s back in Australia. sock. How the hell do you Aaand, fuck my life. leave one sock in a frat
(The obvious thing to do Yo Barchi, I hope you step here is go study abroad in in a frozen puddle of piss Australia. No really. There’s for making us have class to- an awesome guy there plus IT’S AUSTRALIA.) day. (I mean hey, someone has to make sure that Rutgers students continue to learn. Unfortunately for him though, making us go to class doesn’t necessarily mean that’s going to happen.)
Wednesday, Feburary 4th, 2015 themedium.personals@gmail.com
house bathroom and how the hell did I manage to get it back to my room? (2 words: frat magic.)
Have any of you ever heard I thought I had found my of the term “fracket”? It’s a Tinderella, but alas, it was jacket you bring to frats that not meant to be. you don’t really care about in case something (inevita(Maybe you should steal the bly) happens to it. next one’s shoe.) (...my life is never going to be the same.)
THING OF THE WEEK THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT
Hi. I’m the new Personals Editor. I just moved here from Africa. I used to be homeschooled. Don’t ask me why I’m white. Being new here and all, I’d really like it if you could submit your personals to me. I’ll take them to the grave, right after I publish them here for all to see. DO IT. themedium.personals@gmail.com
WORD VOMIT I decided to write in because I wanted to word vomit. Here it goes. Adshglasdghasdlkgjsdlgjasdlgdgshsdddhadlskgkgdsghsdlgjsdflkghsdgjkdhsgl;sahdglsdkghdkggjsaldkgjsa Wait sorry, that was letter vomit. For real this time. So Rutgers is just friggen stupid sometimes. Like why can’t you have a bus that runs between Livi and Busch but in the opposite direction of the B. Busch is huge and the B can take forever and blarghhhhh. And right now the bus friggen heads towards Busch, but just when the campus is in sight, the bus heads all the way around to the other side of it. Like can I please punch you in the face, whoever decided that was a nice idea. Ok and the bus system in general. Maybe it’s just me, but it doesn’t seem right that students are squished inside buses like sardines on a constant basis. If you can’t do anything about that, then, here’s a thought--you probably admitted too many people to this friggen place. Stop that. Stop that right now. Stop letting this be a safetly school full of unhappy sardine people. Because sardines smell. Ugh. (Well. You actually have a lot of great points. I’d say you should submit these proposals to whatever school official people will take them, but if that doesn’t work, maybe just talk it out with your therapist.)
Hey you!
Do you hate this font as much as everybody else in the world? Come to our meetings and tell us to change it!
Wednesdays at 8pm in the BSC, Room 116A I’m a sad and awkward-looking beach ball! Love me too!
PAGE A7
Wednesday, February 4th, 2015
themedium.a7@gmail.com
“Why the fuck am I here? Where did I go wrong? Why couldn’t this have been wine and lifestyle?”
I DIDN’T WRITE THIS?
...WRASTLIN’
the Medium
continued from Sports
the balls of our guys were bigger and, frankly, nicer than usual did the NCAA and the media begin their witch hunt against Rutgers Wrestling. Maybe you guys should have the ball boy and equipment manager up here, because I have absolutely nothing to do with any of this.” When reporters got confused as to why a wrestling team, which participates in a sport with no type of game ball, would need a ball boy, Goodale replied “Come on, you guys know! He’s got an ultra important job; He’s guy who takes care of everyone’s balls! Every decent team has one.” Given that the NCAA treats cheaters very harshly, expect Rutgers to receive unrivaled sanctions in response to this scandal. In fact, the sanctions will be so serious that, perhaps, Tom Brady might just hesitate the next time he thinks about tinkering with the inflation of his balls. That is, if the NFL ever decides to discourage cheaters by actually punishing them when they are caught redhanded.
THIS SPACE LEFT INTENTIONALLY BLANK. I GUESS IT’S NOT SO BLANK NOW, THOUGH.
...THE WHOLE
WHO’S SHIT IS THIS? continued from Sports
‘Not Cheating’ thing at the behest of our executives when we played the Giants in those two Super Bowls, and I think we all know how that worked out. So I’ll definitely credit this win to the NFL for once again enabling our cheating ways, even though I can’t for the life of me understand how they could be so God damn naive.” Patriots owner Robert Kraft echoed Bellichick’s regret of how they handled the seasons in which they lost the Super Bowl. “I don’t even know why we stopped cheating. It won us three Super Bowls, and we got a slap on the wrist. We would have surely won two more rings if our cheating
had been up to par those years,” speculated Kraft. The residents of Foxborough, Massachusetts could not care less whether the Patriots cheated right now, and the party will rage on there for awhile. Unfortunately for them, there will be a huge damper on their celebration when, three months from now, after hundreds of hours of television experts recognizing the Patriots’ and Tom Brady’s greatness, the NFL finds them guilty of cheating against the Colts and takes away a future seventh round draft pick. “Yeah, that’ll teach us!” Joked Brady.
WHAT’S SHAKIN’?
-Concrete Pavers Wednesday, February 4, 2015 9:00 AM 4:00 PM Ever wanted to learn about paving shit in concrete? Well this class is for you. -Online Grade Reporting & Communication Thursday, February 5, 2015 9:45 AM 11:15 AM Learn how Rutgers is screwing you over in new and exciting ways!
-Mock Interview Clinic Friday, February 6, 2015 12:00 PM - 4:00 PM Find out how unprepared you really are at life! -Responsible Drinking Hour Friday, February 6, 2015 4:00 PM - 7:00 PM “Responsible” -Irresoponsible Drinking Hour All day every day I’m not an alcoholic. I swear.
CUTE THING OF THE WEEK
CHECK OUT THIS SICK GRAY BOX. FUCK YEAH, IT’ NEITHER WHITE NOR BLACK. WHY’S IT SO WISHY WASHY? PICK A SIDE YOU STUPID BOX, YOU CAN’T JUST BE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD, THAT’S A SPINELESS WAY OUT. YEAH, YOU BETTER FEEL BAD YOU STUPID B... UH YEAH, SO IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, COME TO OUR MEETINGS AT 8 PM IN ROOM 116A OF THE BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER THIS WEDNESDAY NIGHT. WHICH IS TONIGHT! UNLESS YOU’RE READING THIS AFTER WEDNESDAY, THEN GET FUCKED. FAKE ADVERTISEMENT
0
NUMBERS MOTHERFUCKER, CAN YOU COUNT?
534
Idea what I’m doing.
Too much
Way Too Many
Number of times I resorted to violence to get this page done.
White space on this page. They’ll bitch about it, but fuck ‘em. It’s my page.
Number of feelings had during Super Bowl Ads
February 4th, 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com I'VE ALWAYS SAID WRESTLING BALLS ARE BIGGER THAN BASKETBALLS
SCARLET SCANDAL: RUTGERS WRESTLERS CAUGHT INFLATING THEIR BALLS BY SHREG GIANO SPORTS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY—Rutgers never has been and never will be a stranger to controversies and scandals. In the last year, the demise of Ray Rice’s spot as the Rutgers golden boy and the vulgar signs fans displayed at the Penn State football game brought heaps of negative press to the greater New Brunswick area. While those issues brought their fair share of negative media attention, the bad press will pale in comparison to what Rutgers will soon face. According to many reliable sources, the balls of the Rutgers Wrestling team failed inspection after their match with Ohio State on Sunday. Labeled “#InflateGate” by clever pundits, the balls of each wrestler were found to be inflated well above the NCAA mandate of “Decent-
"NICE VIEW" An Ohio State wrestler gets a good hard look at the balls of the best Rutgers wrestler, Anthony Ashnault. The aforementioned Ohio State wrestler would make this image his profile picture shortly after the match.
ly-Strapped Black Man” levels of inflation. The Medium caught up with star Redshirt freshman Anthony Ashnault, hoping to hear his side of the story. His answer was brief and frank, saying ada-
mantly that “To my knowledge, nobody illegally inflated my balls. While I’ll admit that I like wrestling with my balls as large and inflated as possible, I would never defy the integrity of the sport by cheating and asking my
trainer to over-inflate my balls.” Wrestling legends have chimed in on the issue. The majority of them do not believe Ashnault, saying that “no trainer or ball boy would mess with a star wrestler’s balls without explicit direction to do so by the wrestler himself.” On Tuesday, head coach Scott Goodale gave a fiery, defiant press conference in defense of his wrestlers, highlighting his team’s continued compliance with the NCAA’s investigation and also the painstaking effort they put in to follow all the rules. “We brought our guys’ balls to the referee for a pre-match inspection a couple of hours before the first bout. They found our balls to be inflated to their liking, and said nothing about any problems with over inflation. Only once the Ohio State wrestlers complained that Continued on Page A7
BUCK FOSTON
Patriots more surprised than anyone after their first Super Bowl Championship in ten years BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON SPORTS EDITOR
PHOENIX, AZ—After winning their fourth Super Bowl in thirteen years, the Patriots are being hailed as a modern dynasty. Many consider them the class of the NFL. Their quarterback is a superstar who has gotten over his Giant demons and will likely go down as the greatest to ever have played the game. Watching all of this unfold has been surprising for everyone involved in the league, from the owners all the way down to the fans. But perhaps those most surprised by all of this are the Patriots themselves. Not because their sixth round draft pick turned into one of the greatest players of all time. Not because they beat “The Great-
"I mean Jesus, it’s all right in front of them. Of course I look like a great quarterback. I knew the calls of every defense I was playing against for years! How the hell could we have lost?” Coach Bill Belichick shared Brady’s sentiments and feelings of disbelief of how light their punishments have been when asked how they got back to their winning ways after two straight "BACK IN CHAMPIONSHIP FORM" Super Bowl losses. In celebration of the good ol' times, the New England Patri“Well obviously the whole ots have switched back to the logo they used in the early 2000s, when Brady and Belichick won the first three of their four Super Bowl titles. videotaping other team’s practices thing helped us tremendously to win the first three est Show on Turf” in the Super but guaranteed to do them. Bowl as a 9-7 team. Not because “Surprised we won? Of Super Bowls. We get caught dothey came back from a ten point course not,” a cheery Tom Brady ing it straight up, and what, I deficit in the fourth quarter of told Medium reporters. “What get fined $500,000? Big fuckin' Super Bowl XLIX against the we’re surprised about is how whoop.” “But yeah, after getting best defense. No, the Patriots fucking clueless the NFL, our expected to do those things. In fans, and everyone who sup- caught, we went for that whole fact, in their eyes, they were all ports our accomplishments are. Continued on Page A7
feeling bad for jetS fans SINCE forever really, but especially since SUNDAY