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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue XV
February 8th, 2012
HOT MESS
EPA DECLARES CHICKEN “ENDANGERED” AFTER SUPER BOWL SALES BY THE KILLA WHALE MANAGING EDITOR
WASHINGTON—This past week leading up to Super Bowl XLVI, enough chickens were slaughtered to raise concern for their vulnerability with the United States Environmental Protection Agency, who have now listed them as “endangered.” “Chicken coops across the Midwest are reporting a dramatic shortage of fowl,” said EPA Region 7 administrator Karl Brooks. “Obese Americans plus a should-be national holiday equals overeating and lots of dead chickens.” According to Brooks, chicken must be bred and raised from scratch before they are killed and made into boneless wings, BBQ-flavored legs, and chopped into fancy pieces of breast meat. Unfortunately, since chicken-in-a-basket restaurants offer a variety of specials
50¢ POOPIE
Local Man Kind of Proud That He Clogged The Toilet BY DANNY CHOG JR. STAFF WRITER
FLIPPING THE BIRD The Department of Environmental Protection Deputy Secretary for Poultry Affairs bawks over the recent explosion in chicken consumption
on Super Bowl Sunday, farmers could not keep up with the high demand, bringing the overall population of fowl down 72%. Chicken Galore of Woodbridge, NJ reported a record number of profits stating that their overall weekend sales quadrupled their numbers from the past six months. Owner Scott Rasizer said,
“Despite a record-setting profit, I do believe we’ll be going out of business within the next month since we can no longer sell chicken. This is bullshit.” In addition, Kentucky Fried Chicken has already announced plans to find a new featured item. Current plans are to change their name to KenContinued on Page 2
GIVING LUVIN'
Madonna Halftime Show Gets Gay Men to Finally Watch Super Bowl BY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
“Basically,” continued Von Der Romm. “The Gays tuned INDIANAPOLIS—The NFL Super Bowl, broadcast on NBC in.” With a popular icon in the and its affiliates last Sunday night, recorded its highest rat- homosexual community perings to date. However, the larg- forming in the famed show, men est amount of viewers tuned in tuned in from across the counat halftime to witness a spectac- try who hadn’t even looked at ular show featuring infamous a football since high school gym classes. recording artist Madonna. “Normally on Super Bowl NBC executive Brandon Von Der Romm emphasized Sunday, I go and catch a matinee that this increase in viewership at the Art House cinema down came from viewers who would the street,” said Chad Willis, a gay man in Astoria, Queens. not normally watch the game. “We have a phrase for these “But today, I stayed home, made people: ‘DINKs: Dual Income some quinoa with my life partNo Kids,’ said Von Der Romm. ner, Jason, and we watched that “Basically, there were large col- girl bring it.” While they tuned in to see lections of people who did not have children but were living Madonna sing her most popular pop hits, many new viewers under the same roof.”
Other sporting franchises such as NASCAR are now examining how they might benefit from Madonna
stayed to pay attention to the action. “I realized that Tom Brady looked really cute,” said Vince Willon of San Francisco. “I spent the second half pretending I was all the guys on the Giants who got to jump on top of him. I know I would, given the chance.”
Turn the page, genius ESTABLISHED 1970
LOUIS STREET— After a day of eating terrible food at a friend’s Super Bowl party and a day worth of dining hall food on Monday, student Keith Resen found himself on his toilet yesterday voiding his bowels of the greasy mess that had flowed through his entrails in the days prior. “I let everything go and I decided to flush once before I wiped,” said Resen, a Senior from Voorhees, NJ. “But I flushed, and the thing just stuck there. It was a solid log and it just wouldn’t budge.” Resen let the water sit for a while, hoping the suction at the bottom of the toilet would suddenly start working. “I sort of stared at it for a while. I didn’t want to flood the bathroom. I hate cleaning.” After staring and pacing the bathroom, wondering what to do, Resen reportedly cracked a smile. “I mean, I did that. I made that. It came from me. How fucking awesome is that?” After a few minutes of admiration, he offered his roommate, Chris Grodowski, a peek at his pile. “It was big, I’ll give him that,” said Grodowski, who eats a proper diet including fiber and vegetables. “I just didn’t appreciate that he made me take a picture of it.” When asked what he was going to do with the turd, Resen offered a solution. “I think I’ll let it sit here until it disintegrates or something. We can use the other apartment’s toilet. I’m sure they won’t mind.”
the Medium
NEWS
"I can totally see your crack"
Wednesday, February 8th, 2012
RENEGADES OF BRICK
RU CAMDEN BUILDINGS WALK OUT IN PROTEST OF MERGER
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
CAMDEN—Last Friday, students and faculty at RutgersCamden were unable to attend their afternoon classes due to a massive campus building walkout. At about 12 noon, and without any prior warning, all the buildings proceeded to leave the campus and stand outside its 31 acre property. The walkout reflects the recent report that RU Camden should merge with Rowan University to combine their financial holdings and campus infrastructure. For three hours, the buildings occupied Cooper Street, holding protest signs such as “Rutgers Education is my Foundation” and “No one asked me for my opinion on this matter”. The buildings’ presence in the
street alarmed campus officials, who feared a massive fine from the city as the buildings grossly exceeded the maximum building occupancy levels stated in local zoning ordinances. The walkout was led by the School of Law building. The outspoken leader has described the possible merger as a threat to the buildings’ Rutgers identity, and believes a complex legal battle will unfold should the merger plans make progress. “They want to call us POWER TO THE BUILDINGS For once, "fuck the establishment" did not apply to this protest Rowan Rutgers? RRU? Absolutely not. I’m not office of the Chancellor said that going to be reduced to some sort am,” said the School of Law. Governor Christie’s office it would take the buildings’ conof Frankenstein building: perpetually confused about who I did not comment on the walk- cerns into consideration. out, but the Rutgers-Camden
STUDENT HOUSING
New economical dorm community will be modelled after Hooverville
BY EASY BAKER OVEN STAFF WRITER
COOK/DOUGLASS—While many students will be living in their nice, cushy dorms and apartments next semester, many will be living in the new residence hall on Cook Campus: McCormickville. This new hall was created by SEBS student Neil Westling, completely out of used cardboard. “When I found out I got 16,264 as my lotto number, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to find anywhere to live on cam- ally,” said Neil. pus. So instead of getting put on McCormickville is located the street, I decided to take mat- on the banks of Passion Puddle, ters into my own hands: liter- and many students who are in CHICKEN
...continued from front
tucky Fried Tilapia. Furthermore, Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy said he will be changing the company’s slogan from “Eat More Chicken” to “We’re Sorry.”
Editorial Staff Spring 2012
the same boat as Neil will enjoy the new view come the fall. The only fee that the students will have to pay is the one
Big businesses are not the only sufferers of the EPA’s new regulation. Woodbridge resident Jelani Davis has expressed his frustration with his favorite food item being removed from
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Joey Threlfall Jordan Gochman
the country’s menu. “This is our generation’s prohibition,” said Davis. “Besides turkey sausage, chicken is the only meat I enjoy.” Eventually, if conditions
News Editors Kaitie Davis John Eberhardt Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Chris Peatman Arts Editor Sara Edwards Personals Editors Steve Troulis III Dave Imbriaco
for the cardboard box, which will be a “do it yourself” initiative in which the student builds their own space. President McCormick is happy to accept the name for the new living space, as he has mentioned that he wants to leave his mark on the university in some way or another when he leaves. The only problem now is figuring out how to deal with all the geese and the poop that they produce around the body of water. “These geese poop so much, but that’s not going to stop us from creating a safe and healthy environment for Rutgers students,” remarked Neil as he pulled out his shotgun. improve, Brooks indicated that chicken may become available again within a decade but would be priced higher than a King Alaskan crab leg entrée. Backpage Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche Holy Fucking Shit!
Kenneth Brooks Whane Shelan Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Your Bowels It's Suddenly Pasta
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to viewers like you.
Wednesday, February 8st, 2012
(F)ARTS
the Medium
“Do it yourself.”
ME
US
YOU
CTOTW
LOVIN
BY: StewNami Top 10 Baha Men Songs to Make Love to: 1. Who Let the Dogs Out 2. Who Let the Dogs Out (Barking Mad Mix) 3. Who Let the Dogs Out (Breakz Dubstep Mix) 4. Who Let the Dogs Out (Coco Remix) 5. Who Let the Dogs Out (Chipmunk Remix) 6. Who Let the Dogs Out (DJ Alligator Remix) 7. Who Let the Dogs Out (Swanky Tunes Mix) 8. Who Let the Dogs Out (Eiffel 65 Remix) 9. That one song from the Shrek Soundtrack 10. Who Let the Dogs Out (Phil Li Rerecording)
LOVE LETTER Dear Joan Barry McCormick,
DREAMS
Hola mamacita, I’ve been looking forward to seeing you again. I keep having dreams about your legs wrapped around my hips. Then I wake up and realize it’s not true and all I have is bed sheets left to wash. Baby, I miss you so much. I miss running my sausage fingers through your silky, smooth blonde hair. Your beautiful Rivendell hair is unbelievably mesmerizing and enchanting. The more I think about it, the more I fall madly in love. I know it gets lonely and unsatisfying atop McCormick Manor. If you’re ever looking for another night like we had, you know where to find me, White Chocolate.
Wildly in Love, The Black Panther
P.S. I’ll never resign from the position I’m in…not with you ;)
BATHROOMS
Worst Rutgers Bathrooms By Pokemon Leaf Green
4. Hill Center Classrooms (Busch): Apparently unisex bathrooms have urinals, you know, because who doesn’t pee standing up? We know all Rutgers bathrooms are fuck-dirty, 3. Hickman (Cook/Douglass): Go here if you but here are the fuck-dirtiest, read and avoid! want everyone to watch you use the bathroom. People with weird fetishes will be coming out of 5. Barr Hall (Busch): Basically just freshmen ru- the woodwork. ining everything.... like they always do. 2. Scott Hall (College Ave.): I just love sitting on
a rug of pubic hair, but wait, pee stains? EVEN BETTER! 1. Rutgers Student Center (College Ave.): Someone managed to shit five feet up the wall. UP. THE. WALL. How do you even position yourself for that?
THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL!
the Medium
MEET THE
Wednesday, February 8th, 2011
“Are you a boy or a girl?”
The M
Trading C Photos by Maria Finelli
his n tiently with a p s rk o w e tewart H Trainer Dav n Green, S e B , n o m e k hang caught Po and Sam C
A wild Leif appears! Can you capture him?
Wednesday, Februbeard 8th, 2012
“I like shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!”
Medium
Card Game
newly Hallman,
?
MEDIUM
Gym Leader Amy uses her trusted Pikachu against Team Rocket
Evil Team R Patel an ocket, Krupa d Leif To rnberg
the Medium
the Medium
OP/ED
“We headed to the bar baby don’t be nervous...No shoes, no shirt and I still get service”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
FEATURED SURVEY
The Puppy Bowl Was Marred By Rampant Steroid Abuse
How did you spend your Superbowl weekend?
By Wilson
I’ve been a sports reporter for 10 years and a fan of the Puppy Bowl even longer. It is a game of integrity that showcases the best athletes in the sport of Puppy Football. But the year’s big game was played under a dark cloud as reports of steroid abuse ran rampant within the league. I had hoped it was over when Murphy of the New England Retrievers was released from his contract last year after failing a drug test. Then the reports started flooding in that stars Penny, New York Shepherds, and Checkers, San Francisco Beggars, had tested positive for Puppy Growth Hormone in 2003. Hundreds of other names were on the list of those who had tested positive, including 3-time Pro Bowl starter
Bandit. Shockingly, almost three quarters of these players had absolutely no action brought against them. Half were seen in this year’s Puppy Bowl. Steroid abuse in the NPL cannot be treated like an open secret that no one tries to stop. Younger athletes
“The fetching, romping and general fun playtime is meant to be a display of athleticism, not medical technology.” look up to these players and try to emulate them. The growing list of young athletes turning to drugs to gain an edge in ‘fetch’ speaks for itself.
Wednesday, February 8th, 2012
When we see those puppies dragging squeaky footballs around the field, we expect them to be clean. The fetching, romping and general fun playtime is meant to be a display of athleticism, not medical technology. Puppy stars are fed on puppy chow, not chemicals. In times like this, we have to look to players like Montana who prove that players can succeed without performance-enhancing drugs. If a player that genuine were to test positive, it could shake the nation’s faith in the sport. My message to players like Montana and others who believe in the sport is simple: Stay clean.
REQUEST FROM A ROOMMATE
Listen, Can You Please Go Upstairs So My Girlfriend And I Can Fuck?
“G-MEN!!!! Brady ate shit the whole game! Elite Eli dissected the Pats’ defense like a Champ!” Carl Brillanski, Super (duper) Senior
“Thanks for spoiling it for me Carl Brillanski...I had it on DVR and was gonna watch it tonight” Gianna Hartwell, Econ. Professor
“I couldn’t watch it. I was too busy studying for orgo. It’ll be the death of me...” Hank Mangotta, Pharm D. Junior
“I lost $5000 betting on the Puppy Bowl. How could I resist?! The Huskies were 10 pt. favorites over the Dachshunds! It was a surefire win!” Lee Thrace, Criminal Justice Major
By Your Housemate Hey, Dan. Listen, while Lauren runs to the bathroom for a second, I have a question to ask you: Are you going to be watching TV on the couch all night? You are? Really? Um, I know the living room is a general use kind of area, but my bedroom is right next to the living room and Lauren and I haven’t seen each other that much over break. Lauren isn’t going to go into the room with me while you are sitting down here. She feels really uncomfortable with the idea of you hearing us bang. I really hope this hasn’t come from out
times. Not all your fault (Barry came home drunk a couple of nights ago and bounded around the living room like a freakin’ giant. Lauren was so selfconscious she wouldn’t even give me an old-fash“She feels really un- ioned to finish it off!). on man, please comfortable with the just Come go upstairs, shut the idea of you hearing us door and let me bone my lady. Come on. bang” Okay, okay, just go hide in the pantry before Please? Like, even she comes out and you for 20 minutes. Just long can listen. When I say enough so that I can start ‘crabapple’, it is safe to getting it in, and so that come out. Be careful if she’s so in the moment you put your ear against that she doesn’t hear you the door; the lock is really coming down the stairs old. and makes me pull out, You owe me, you like she has the past three creep. of the blue. We’ve been snuggling and cuddling and making out on the couch for, like, an hour in an effort to get you to go upstairs and hang in your room or something.
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
I’ve taken a break from the News Page to take a crack at Opinions. If you got’s a Twitter follow me @JohnnyEbbs!! (DO IT NOW!) (We swear he won’t send you pictures of his dick. Unless you want them.)
PERSONALS
the Medium PAST
PRESENT
To the fucking bitch that lives with me,I love you but I hate you. I love you because you cook for me every night and tuck me into bed. I hate you because you are a drunk alcoholic
Hey douchebag roommate! Can you please stop it? You know exactly what im talking about. By the way, you need to stop pounding colons
(Sounds like a true friend to me. Also, you must be pretty damn drunk to be a “drunk alcoholic”. As if the regular kind wasnt enough) I really hate it when I’m fucking a cow and she starts eating nachos in bed :( (Beastaility- not cool bro. And don’t give me any of this inter-species erotica bullshit. We all know what it is.)
Dear Mom, I am not your son. Love, Your daughter (You know you have failed as a parent when...) I just found a really hot guy at ROAR! (Rutgers reach out and read). I LOVE RUTGERS BOYS! (Hot people in a reading club? I think not)
Wednesday, February 8th 2012
“Open the magic box damnit”
YESTERYEAR
To the post office guy at busch, why are you always pissed off when i go to pick up a package? It seems like you're in a good mood with every(Either this guy is fucked one else, and the moment up or he’s a really passion- I hand you my slip your ate english major.) face automatically turns To the fugly bitch from into a frown. What the my high school work- hell man? Sometimes I ing the drive-thru at the don't even want to go Ryders Lane Taco Bell: pickup that new CD I've you scarred me so bad, been looking foward to I swear, when I opened because I don't want to that Mexican Pizza I or- feel guilty for making dered, I saw your face on your day misserable. on the pizza for a split shiiiiiit. second. What sucks even I’m not angry about anymore is that those of us at thing. Fuck you Rutgers who graduated (My request for angry perwith you will recognize sonals has apparently pissed you every time, and will you off. I feel like my job is never want to go to Taco done here.) Bell again. For fuck's To my roommate, stop sake, I hope some hot playing the Chris Brown grease splatters on your album on repeat. He has face so you can get some no musical value and is free facial reconstruction honsetly not worth anything. Keep repeating surgery. track 6 and ill beat you Personals! Personals Ev- worse then he beat Rierywhere! hanna- Roommate <3
CHECK IT OUT
QUIET! SENATOR STOVE SPEAKS Looks like we are back in the swing of things because theres submissions in the inbox. Keep em coming. Forever. Now that thats out of the way I can complain about all the stuff that pisses me off. Top of the list, people who use the word guestimate. Its not a word. The word estimate serves the same damn purpose. Second, when my car catches fire. Unless you did it on purpose, I don’t think that is the positive capstone of anyone’s day. Third, those god awful real housewives shows on tv. If you really wanted to kill brain cells you could just slam your head into a wall a few times. Seems less painful then actually watching that crap. Lastly, people who don’t listen. You are all on my good side because you listened to my constant bitching for personals. You are immediately put back on my shit list if you are guilty of any of the above points. Enjoy your week!
themedium.personals@gmail.com To the douche who never wears a shirt living in the fourth floor of Mattia Hall. You say "nikka" wayyyyyyyyyy too much especially since you're not even black. P.S. You're body is not even that good. P.P.S. I fucking hate your guts, you obnoxious scum bag. I sincerely want your demise. If I could save state in real life like in video games, I would save, punch you square in the face as hard as I can, and keep beating on you until you, your friends, and possibly some authorities have successfully desisted me, but I would try with my dear life to fight them off as well as I could until the very last moment until I decided I couldn't bare the pain anymore and load back to before I punched you. That's all... go fuck yourself.
To the people who don't know when to fucking stop, you know who you are, PISS OFF. Sometimes people don't want to be tortured by your nonstop bitchiness. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO FUCK A DRAGON IN A DUNGEON SOMEWHERE ELSE. You assholes need to get a life and stop torturing people with comments because you like torturing them. Shut the fuck up and learn some manners Cool story, bro (Indeed it was)
To the retarded bitch in my Gen Psych 101: everyone saw you drop your MacBook in the middle of lecture, SITTING DOWN, and it was fuckin hilarious. I mean, the class is full of retarded freshmen as it is, and you just have to make the few upperclassmen in the class like me have even less faith in you people? I bet if you were on your knees trying to some quality Rutgers cock, you wouldn't even be able to hold onto it because it would keep slipping out of your hands.
To the bridge in Douglass right next to Hickman Hall, why are you so awkward? I tried texting and walking on you at the same time; worst mistake of my life... And to you guys at the medium, what the hell? I submitted a pretty good personal last week, and you guys didn't publish that shit. You guys are practically begging for submissions, yet you ignore mine. You guys posted this guy humming and some shit about chocolate rain yet you dismiss a perfectly good rant about a whack ass floor mate. If this doesn't get published, I swear to god, I'm coming over there... (Yeah I agree, that humming thing was pretty dumb, but a submission is a submission. Must not have caught your ealier personal, but here it is now. in conclusion, Come at me bro!)
THE BACK PAGE
“Maybe we should call the biggest bowling championship the Super Football.”
Wednesday, February 8th, 2012
Super Secret Word Search: Super Bowl BY DR. K | Back Page Editor
Find the following words in the puzzle. Circle the letters, not the entire word. The left over letters spell out a secret message.
Mini What’s
Shakin’
Today at 10:30 AM SEBS Information Session and Tour for Prospective Students @ Cook Ever stepped in shit before?! Well, future Scarlet Knights, its your lucky day as you come and tour our farms and learn exactly what the BS at the end of SEBS stands for! Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @ BCC-120A Jesus Christ will be stopping in for a visit to let us know how well we’re doing. At least we hope that’s what he wants to tell us. Stop in for a free blessing. Friday, Feb 10 at 12:30 AM Origin and Evolution of Perennial Crop Species @ New Brunswick Everything you’ve ever wanted to know, and then an additional hour and 20 minutes more of what you didn’t care about plant evolution since the beginning of time. Tuesday, Feb 14 at 8:30 AM Math Refresher for Water & Wastewater Operators Okay, so you know how there are certain buildings and classrooms that you’ve never entered and probably never will enter here? THIS is the shit that goes on in those rooms.
ASTROTURF BLITZ DOWN FOOTBALL FUMBLE GOALPOST
INTERCEPTION KICKOFF PIGSKIN PLAYER PUNT QUARTERBACK
REFEREE RETURN SACK SAFETY SNAP TOUCHDOWN
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ , ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ . ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ . ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ , ___ ___ ___ . ___ ___ !
5 Reasons Why the Targum Annoys Me BY SUPA KRUPA TROOPA| Staff Writer
1. Plagiarising Douchebags They don’t even write their own shit. NJ.com? Associated Press? That’s not the Targum.
money. Do you seriously need to print 20 pages of bullshit everyday? LET’S TRY THE MONTHLY TARGUM.
2. Knickers in a Twist Everyone who writes for the Targum is toooo obsessed with their job. It’s disgusting and unnecessary.
4. WTF is a Targum It sounds like pollution and taste like tar-gum, at least you can eat the Medium for a snack...
BY OSWALDO J. GOLDBOTTOM | Sexy Mofo
Barbara Streisand
Khloe Kardashian
Pamela Anderson
2: Gray 90 % 4: Gray 50 %
Steve Buscemi
5: Gray 30 % 6: Gray 10 % 7: White
50% Wild Cherry Pepsi 50 % Tropicana Pink Lemonade
HELP themedium.backpage@ gmail.com ME!!!
BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN | Staff Writer
1: Black 3: Gray 70 %
This mixture has all of the charm of cherry lemonade with the bold, edgy kick of a cola. It is probably my favorite soda mixture that is available in the dining hall. Individually, Pepsi Wild Cherry is a pretty good soda and Tropicana Pink Lemonade is a pretty refreshing beverage, but together is like mixing jet fuel and air in the correct proportions to initiate a rocket launch. The rocket leaves Earth’s atmosphere and your taste buds are floating in outer space. I definitely would prefer if this mixture were made with 50% Cherry Coke and 50% Hi-C Lemonade, but given the constraints of a Pepsi-sponsored university, this is an apt replacement. One difficulty is finding a soda machine that dispenses both the Tropicana Lemonade and Pepsi Wild Cherry. However, I would say that this soda mixture is delicious enough that it is worth looking stupid visiting 2 different soda machines.
Match Maker: Celebrity Deficiencies
3. Tuition Fees 5. It just sucks They waste our precious Don’t waste your time.
Color By Number: Old Black & White TV
BY KCIG | Staff Writer
Ke$ha