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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue xv THE FIELD OF LAW
CONTENTIOUS SUPER BOWL DECISION OVERTURNED IN SUPREME BOWL CASE JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
WASHINGTON—In what many Americans consider an act of judicial activism, the United States Supreme Court’s football team overturned by a margin of 27-10 the decision reached in Green Bay vs. Pittsburgh. The Super Bowl decision was overturned in the Supreme Bowl on the grounds that Pittsburgh’s constitutional rights against unreasonable losing. “This is a victory for all football fans everywhere,” says Pittsburgh Tight AttorneyEnd Jim Stiles. “Finally, Pittsburgh fans get the long deserved championship win they’ve always wanted.” While most people who live in Western Pennsylvania and depressed Patriots fans that shifted their championship bandwagon preference to the Steelers were happy with the decision, some did not take the news well. In Green Bay, rioters set fire to their cheese hats in protest of the decision which
THE STARTING LINEUP
All cases must first go through the Superior Bowl before being considered for the Supreme Bowl
resulted in a massive influx of “Nacho Cheese Head Burn Trauma” cases. “If you look at the substantial issues at hand and apply a strict scrutiny standard to the ruling, it is clear to see that [Pittsburgh’s] rights were indeed violated by an aggressive Packer’s program of playing better.” JusticeBacker Ruth Bader
Ginsburg also added, “Plus, I would’ve totally sacked Aaron Rodger’s pussy up and down dat field!” The Supreme Bowl handles few championship cases each year with the Court’s team already deciding 18-3 in favor of food in Bob’s Weak Stomach vs. The 4 Lbs. of Chicken Wings He Ate to Win the Buffalo Wing Off 5 Hours Ago.
DOG PILE
Ben Rothlisberger attempts to enter Puppy Bowl BY CASTLETON SNOB STAFF WRITER
ANIMAL PLANET—NFL play-
ers and fans were shocked this weekend when Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger skipped the Super Bowl in Dallas to compete in Puppy Bowl VII. “We’ve been talking about it for a month or so now,” explained Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin. “Turns out he worked it into his contract years ago.” Animal Planet producers noticed issues with Roethlisberger early in practice. “He was taking it really seriously,” said associate producer Jeff Bordner. “He tried to call out plays and got frustrated when the puppies just licked his face instead.” The quarterback berated a Beagle for 10 minutes after it failed to score until the puppy peed on the field in fear. According to Bordner,
50¢
february 9th, 2011
NEWS QUICKIES
Drunk guy calls girl's Karaoke voice "Freakin stunning" "It's like she's fuckin' Cher or something. Or no, Miley Cyrus. Dude she is so talented. What's she doing at the fuckin' Golden Rail?"
Jimmy's father to hold special lecture in family minivan Topic of lecture to be, "So I found a pack of cigarettes in your backpack today."
Year 2020 named "Year of the Optomotrist" "Since we're looking ahead and all..."
University Researchers to receive $10 million dollar Grant This is really going to help us takle our more pressing deadlines, said Research Assistant Katie Park, about the arrival of Green Bay Packer Ryan Grant
This week's reader poll A PUGNACIOUS PERFORMANCE “There was no way to calm [Roethlisberger] down. The cuter the puppies were, the angrier he got because they ‘weren’t taking the game seriously.’ He smashed a tiny goalpost and the water bowl cam got destroyed.” Roethlisberger was finally asked to leave after throwing a
snap to 9-week-old Cocker Spaniel, Checkers, which knocked the puppy over. In related news, a 2 month old Border Collie named Banjo rushed for 150 yards for the Green Bay Packers this Sunday.
45% Less Self-Loathing! ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
Wednesday, February 9th, 2011
"Have as much of my Steel Reserve as you want so there's no excuse to call me a cheap Jew ever again."
ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE
DRY CEREAL
Dairy Short- “West Side Story”-esque Romance Develops out of the Hillel/BAKA Controversy age hits Ray Street House BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
Housemates have been heard screaming "Damn" and "That's whack"
BY DR. DREHOOD STAFF WRITER
RAY ST—At approximately 8:45 Eastern Time this morning, it was confirmed that the milk volume in the fridge had reached its critical minimum. This report has baffled local residents and myself as I was sure I left a good bowl's worth of milk in the fridge just the previous evening. Lead analyst of the house, Scotty McDougal, was at the scene. "It just doesn't make sense, shit's crazy - I saw you put the milk in the back corner of the fridge myself," he stated. So far no suspects have been flogged, but fellow house psychologist Dan Green did suggest, "perhaps you finished the milk and forgot about it?" and was promptly hit over the head with an apple juice. In the ensuing chaos of questions, raging clues and other nonsensical Hardly Boys references, a clearly non-scientific member of the home suggested I use water instead of milk due to the similarity in its "liquidness." He too was hit over the head, this time with my Cinnamon Toast Crunch. As of this writing, all theories have been ineffective at arriving to a logical conclusion, though, upon hearing we had a problem, and that no one else could help a crack investigative unit assigned to the mystery.
Weather
THE STREETS—With Pro-Israel and Pro-Palestine students at odds with one another over recent controversial events, hope for compromise is only just out of reach. But at the recent “Never Again for Anyone” event that only poured more gas on the fire, another spark was lit. That spark was of love. According to numerous eyewitnesses, a member of BAKA, Anthony Saleh, locked eyes with Hillel member Mary Finklestein while gathering in the Douglass Campus Center last weekend. “Then they slowly started walking toward each other,” said BAKA member Hoda Sheik. “It was like the “Dance at the Gym” scene from West Side Story. I could even hear French horns in the background.”
F
Before they could kiss, Hillel members escorted Finklestein away, but that did not stop the tenacious Saleh from seeking out his new infatuation. “He found out where Mary lived and serenaded her,” said Laura Gore, Finklestein’s roommate. “I thought It was creepy but she was beaming when she
heard him.” The couple was later observed singing to each other on a nearby fire escape. In response to this new development, BAKA and Hillel have agreed to settle their differences through a dance battle in the style of renowned choreographer Jerome Robbins.
YEAR OF THE SCORPION
EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT HOSNI MUBARAK SUMMONS SCORPION KING TO QUELL RIOTERS Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to be flown to Egypt immediately BY CITIZEN SNIPS STAFF WRITER
CAIRO—With the recent uprising against the Egyptian government, current president Hosni Mubarak needed to find answers to the outcries of the public. “I knew shit was gonna hit the fan so I had to act fast”, Mubarak recants, “The books in our library said our ancestors got wiped out by a couple of plagues last time they used the army to quell a slave uprising, so that option was ruled out. I had to give the people something they wouldn’t be prepared for.” After taking some time off and watching The Mummy Returns, Mubarak decided to call upon the help of The Scorpion King. He then called for his private helicopter to fetch Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. When asked why, Mubarak said, “I want those cool dog soldiers he has! Did you see how many there were in the movie? They would definitely kick ass against those feeble peasants protesting me. And who in their right minds would say ‘No’ to The Rock? He’s a fucking god!” When asked about his previous comments about stepping down, Mubarak angrily replied, “Fuck No! I didn’t
It's not like you're gonna spend a shit ton of time outside anyway, pasty cheeks!
Editorial Staff Spring 2011
BAKAAAAAA, I JUST MET A GROUP NAMED BAKA!
THE ROCK RETURNS Cairo residents have reported smelling what the Rock is cooking
summon The Scorpion King to make me pyramids, though that is something we can look into later…” He further stated that once he regains full power over the people; he wants to send The Rock back to the Underworld, having wanted to upgrade his status to dictator for life. However he’s still at a loss on how to send him back. “I don’t know how we’re goin to do it, but worst case scenario we can get Brendan Frasier.”
HOMEWORK?!
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Fuck that noise. Submit your articles instead!
news@themediumonline.com
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Kenneth Brooks Shane Whelan Steve Troulis Abe Stanway Barbara Reed Blumpkin Kid
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Valentine's Day. Because at least one person just looked up from this paper and said "Shit, I have to buy a gift now."
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES
Wednesday, February 9th, 2010
“People fucking suck” WUUUUURRRDDD
Medium Words of the Week
DINING DOUGH
BEAUTIFUL MELODIES
Jizz Blimp: A fat and/or unattractive female who makes up for her hideousness by being a complete and total slut. Party Perker: An individual that always bumps da party to the “next level” by bringing a harder drug. SUNDAY KOOL
Things I did in Sunday School that you probably didn’t do
By Russian Mail Order Bride Features Editor Growing up as a Unitarian, I did a lot of weird shit in Sunday school. Some of it is as follows: 1.) View Porn We were encouraged to express our sexuality at age 11, and given verbal as well as visual demonstrations with porno slides from the ‘70s. Find another religious institution that does that (openly, at least). I dare you. 2.) Play Strip poker in the church basement at a Sunday School overnight. If Heaven and Hell really exist, we are seriously fucked. 3.) Get high The chicken noodle soup they served us on our Katrina relief trip tasted a little funky. Upon further investigation (which entailed discovering about a pound of weed in the kitchen cabinet) the cause of this became clear. 4.) Spend an entire fucking YEAR planning out ways to remove a shopping cart from a polluted pond downtown, and then never actually do it. I feel like this has to be some kind of metaphor for the religion but ah...fuck it.
EVENT!
Our very own President McCormick sang the superbowl halftime show with the Scarlet Eyed Peas on Sunday.
FUNTIME!!
The many pasttimes of our friend A-Hood (Staff Chart Guru, Engineer, and Mile High Club Member)
INSIDE MEAT
With Kryztal Mahoney Staff Dumb Slut
HAY GUYZ! With Valentines Day coming up, I decided it would be kewl to walk around campus and ask Rutgers people which celebs they’re crushin’ on, so here you go!
Danni Stone Bieber Dyke
“Miley Cyrus makes me wet.” David Wang, PhD. Professor of Thermonuclear Dynamics and Atonal Modularities
“My celebrity crush is Beyonce...cuz she got a phat ass, know what I’m sayin?” Submit to features@themediumonline.com
As college students, it is obvious that we have a refined palate. Fine foods and beverages are something we just inherently know and love. Because of this however, some criticism may have been thrown around without justification. Too often have I heard comparisons of different dining halls, and the common consensus is that Tillett, is not worth its salt. I find this to be an error in judgment! And I hope to sway some minds, or at least cause you to reconsider next time you are about to bash the Livingston dining hall. Tillett serves up a breakfast that will outdo all of the other dining halls, if you bother to get up early enough for it. Nowhere else on campus can you get an omelet as delicious and just completely filled with love as you can during the weekdays, for there is a super sweet woman (I think she is Hispanic) who is just downright delightful and dutifully doles out delicious demonstrations of a desirable breakfast upon your dish. The rest of the breakfast food, while not particularly impressive, is more edible than the assorted crap I’ve loaded my tray up with at Brower. I couldn’t possibly use any other meals as a justifiable defense, but there are still a few aspects to touch on. The TV room concept, is pretty cool. If I were more into sports I would totally have been in there more often (I think sportscenter was the usual channel) , but either way it’s a perk that Tillett can claim, and none of the other dining halls can. Screw you Busch with your little fireplace running all the time, trying to set up some nice ambience. I’ll tell you what some nice ambience is, and that’s getting a window seat at Tillett when the spring weather comes, and they turn the fountain back on. Try to go there in the early evening, catch the sun setting and an orange glow mingle with the flowing waters, you could take someone on a date there. Don’t do that though, unless you’re just looking for a casual hook up thing. So, go and treat yourself to a Livingston breakfast, go watch espn while you eat, and run around in the fountain with that girl a few doors down that you totally want to get with. You just might enjoy it and realize Tillett is not so bad after all! Affectionately yours,
Johnny J-Bot
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED
Wednesday, February 9th 2011
“Best.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
I’m Muscular, Bald, and Black. I Can Guide You Through This. BY RODNEY HILL
People put a lot of emphasis these days on things like “qualifications” and “degrees” when looking for guidance. Well as a large, gruff, African-American man, let me guarantee that I can help you. Whether it’s fighting vampires, giving out sage advice, or just adding sass to the situation, I’m your guy. If I’m dealing with a hardened criminal in my interrogation room, you can bet I won’t be taking any shit from him. But if a young man needs the guidance of a tough but loving father figure I’ll be there to help him too. I may not be qualified in any other capacity but I am well built, always shave my head, and have a pretty deep voice tenor. We’ll make it through anything. You know I once served as a detective in the NYPD for almost 2 months? I walked into a precinct to resolve a parking ticket and they just assumed I was their foul-mouthed sergeant who actually has a heart of gold. Do you need me to be a leading man? You got it. Or do you prefer a minority sidekick with snappy catchphrases? I can do that
too. I’ll make a great addition to any team whether it’s a team of doctors, marine biologists, or even your average football team. Maybe you’re not interested in having such a big guy right up front and I can handle a background roll in life too. When a tough enforcer type needs to stand in the background and look imposing, I’ll crack my knuckles like a champ. Even if none of those roles in your life need to be filled just consider the diversity I can ad. I instantly make any group 10% more diverse than it was before. I can be that black best friend you’ve always been looking for. When your wacky antics are getting us both in trouble I can guarantee I’ll be too old and tired for that shit or jumping right in after you. And you can bet your ass I’ll age into a Morgan Freeman type and use my prowess to give rousing speeches to inner city youths and lecture on the evils of racism. So the next time you need a chief of police, janitor, president, or just all around reassuring black guy, call Rodney Hill. I’ll be your rock.
“You can bet your ass I’ll age into a Morgan Freeman type.”
ADVICE
Ask a Conservative Grandmother
I met a guy at a party last week and we ended up having a great time together. We exchanged numbers and he promised he would call me. It’s been several days and he hasn’t even texted. I’m having trouble telling if he was really that interested in me. Is it appropriate for me to text him first or should I just move on? Signed, Letdown on Livingston You should be much more careful when you’re out at parties. Were you drinking while underage? It would break my heart to know you were. It’s impossible to know if that first sip of alcohol is going to lead you down a dangerous path. On Dr. Phil yesterday they had a girl who was 15 and already drinking and cursing at her parents. Always watch your drink or some rough housing party boy might slip you something and then who knows what? Are you carrying the mace I put in your Christmas stocking? You might need it if some thug bothers you. You don’t know what kind of creeps come out at night. It’s better to just stay in your dorm. You can’t trust the boys you’re out partying with. I read the other day that someone is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes and 73% of rape victims know their assailants. Never go out by yourself. Always have a friend. Nancy Grace was just talking about a girl who went out drinking and then she went missing. What are your parents sending you to college for anyway? To be a party girl? You need to be more focused on your schoolwork.
COMMENTARY
I Hate Being Folded Against the Arts Page BY THE OP/ED SECTION
I know that as an important section in the Medium I should be supportive of my colleagues but holy God do I hate being folded against the Arts page. Every week I get pressed up against that artsy piece of shit and it’s driving me crazy. It’s like I can feel the ink running onto my pages from those goddamn comics. Bleeeeeh, look at me, making every day college life into cutesy hand drawn pictures, meeeeeeehhhhh. Gag me.
“Bleeeeeh, look at me, making every day life into cutesy hand drawn pictures, meeeeeehhh.”
It’s bad enough I have to sit right next to the pretentious weasel but we share a binding too. We’re two halves of the same piece of paper. I have a centerfold with a page that barely needs a copy editor. How long does it take for this guy to slap himself together every week? An hour? Just barely enough time to crank out a drawing based on some wordplay your roommate made the other day? God, what an asshole. There was a time when I used to spend all my time hanging with an Arts page covered in crude cartoon penises and white space for miles. That guy knew how to have fun. Now I spend all day with a page who didn’t even put genitals on buildings fucking each other. My greatest hope for the future now is that someone will like me enough to cut me out and slap me on a dorm room door so at least I’m not spending all day with an art school reject. Is there graffiti this week? No, don’t tell me. I don’t really want to know. It’ll just make me angrier. If I see one more clever music review, so help me God I will destroy that miserable piece of journalism.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What was your favorite Super Bowl Commercial? “Probably the ones they kept showing of the guys in football uniforms running around. I just think they drove the concept into the ground.”
Matt Palumbo SEBS, Junior
“I liked the Bud Light commercial where the guy’s life is slowly destroyed by alcoholism.”
Annie Summers SAS, Sophomore
“I loved all those sleek car commercials but I don’t have a car to get to the dealerships...I guess the Doritos ones
Kenny Woods SAS, Junior
Wednesday, February 9th, 2011
ARTS “Send me a valentine: 25318 DPO Way�
THE MEDIUM
Cut out along the lines and give the valentine to another person alongside a gift or by itself. Go to www.themediumonline.com and print it out in color. Try not to let depictions in the media of what love should be like try to get you down.
THE MEDIUM ‘da FUCK? to the blond beauty on the EE : i didn’t kill that stray kitten intentionally, i sprayed it with water and it subsequently froze to death due to the cold... you on the other hand ran over an innocent cat thanks to reckless/drunk driving.. MURDERER! (What the fuck is wrong with you people. You don’t kill cats. You never ever kill cats. Do what you want to raccoons, but cat’s? Shame on you.) To the twats that thought it was a good idea to park bumper to bumper to bumper in front of frelinghuysen right over the crosswalk ... because of you i almost got hit by a fuckin truck that didn’t want to slow down for me. I hope all of you skid into the Raritan. (Karma is a bitch, and she sucks a good dick so you’d better chill...) To the black chick in the talking on her phone in the DCC computer lab for 3 HOURS do you seriously not know the rules of this place where you aren’t supposed to be on you’re cell phone or are you just the most inconsiderate person at this school. I’m guessing the latter. Turn the phone off and shut up or get out. (I actually like this one but I don’t like that rude shit the chick did. Like really, I get so fuckin sick of bitches being rude as fuck in public shouting all of their fuckin business about how that bitch slept with her man who can’t keep it up for long enough anyway. Shut the fuck up and get a diary.) To the Dungeon Master, I know we’re starting at level 1 this time around but seriously, if you TPK again I may just have to murder you. And since your family loves me they will help me cover it up. to Rutgers, i took a shit in a woman’s bathroom to avoid the piss on the toilet seat... and I found, a GEM among the great epics vandalism has to offer: this genius had written “cunt” in mirror writing in front of a mirror.. gotta give credit it to this guy/gal.. you are the Da Vinci of our time..
PERSONALS “I think I just saw Snoop Dogg...“ STRAIGHT FROM THE DICK OF DR. K!!! Hello Rutgers, You may be wondering why the hell my page looks so fucktarded today. I decided to split this page up between stupid shit (over to the left), stuff I like (pretty much this wide column), and stuff that I find respectably decent for the public.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011 OH, THAT’S JUST MEAN!!!
LAST FREAKIN COLUMN.
To the men or women that I guess had to climb all over the desks in Scott Hall for some reason and leave shoeprints all over the desks and chairs. I wish you would’ve fell off the desk and bled out so my class would have been cancelled.
is new brunswick broke or something. I set a timer on my phone when i put money in the meter, and i got back to feed the meter exactly 2 minutes late, and i already had a ticket.
(Oh Captain, my Captain?)
I know some of you think I have been bitching excessively the past few weeks, but it is rightfully so. I remember a time where I’d open my webmail and I’d be greeted by wonderful personals, but this shit you are all pulling now is not cutting it. As such, I am going on strike until I get a good amount of shit to look at.
personals@themediumonline.com A BETTER PERSON THAN MOST OF YOU... Dear Dr. K, I hope you’re feeling better. You are one of the wittiest people I’ve ever heard, and your commentaries are almost always fucking awesome. Fuck what those bitches say about you being sick, I appreciate that you withstood the constant vomiting, cluster headaches, and mucus buildup associated with the flu in order to edit our personals. I don’t think the personals would be same without you as the co-editor. Sincerely, A constant reader of The Medium (Dear Constant Reader of The Medium: Thank you so much for your well wishes. I am feeling much better, and I’d like to be witty again, but people aren’t giving me much to go off anymore. And to those of you mad that this is two columns wide, bite me its my page.)
DOIN’ SHIT YOU WANT PEEPS 2 KNOW? ...Print it with us where prices are low! ADVERTISE WITH THE MEDIUM
Times are hard, and everyone needs a little bit of dough. That includes us as well as you! Despite our large readership and popularity, we have dirt cheap advertising prices!
1/8 page (5” x 4”) = $45 1/4 page (5” x 7.75”) = $75 We write a story with your business in it = $75 Other Options = Contact Us All paid advertisements in The Medium are clearly marked as such, and are distinguishable from the comedic content on the page.
Dr. K’s Rules For Life 1. Write Personals For The Medium Everyday!!! 2. Write Personals For The Medium Everyday!!! 3. Write More Personals For The Medium Everyday!!! 4. Send Those Personals To The Medium Everyday!!!
(I’m on funny strike until (If Not, I Will Find You And End you people give me shit.) Your Life, So Fuckin’ Send Them.)
personals@themediumonline.com
To the girl next door to me. Your boyfriend gets it in good. I’ve never heard a woman scream so loud and frequently. I was almost scared you were being raped but then you began screaming oh yes, and that means consent. I’m definitely thinking of him for now on when I use my dildo. (Omg, homegirl is gonna kick yo’ ass if she find out who you are. ) I’m so fucking sick of these fucking bus drivers. Quit waiiting at every fuckin campus center and passion puddle for fifteen minutes. ur supposed to be driving me to class, not taking breaks and smoking fuckin cigarettes. To the people who aren’t writing personals. What the fuck is wrong with you. I’m sitting here about to shit myself because I am running out of personals, and I am digging deep into the rutgers world literally walking around asking people who pissed them off today. If you don’t send in shit I’m, literally going to walk around campus and slap everyone twice and yell SUBMIT BITCH in their fuckin face. (Wow. I’m madderr.)
(You’re asking if an urban city in the United States of America with a primarily minority resident population is broke? Do you actually attend college???) Hey gurrrrl. (I have photographic evidence that I am not, but I will forward this to Spicy Caramel for you.) why is college so hard. i came here because i wanna make something of myself, and we have classes that literally exist to ‘weed people out’ instead of helping them ascertain the skills that they need to succeed. fuck you calc i for math majors. because you are excessively hard compared to every fuckin school in the united states except RPI, i can’t do what i wanted to do in life. (Well considering some of the idiots we have here, I personally appreciate the fact that they weed people out, because I’ll be damned if I want someone who doesn’t know the difference between veins and arteries operating on me when I have a heart attack in 2023... But I feel for you though, I’m in that boat. Fuck da’ Math Dept.)
Trees
by Joyce Kilmer (1914) I think that I shall never see, A poem lovely as a tree.
To the boy at rutgers stuA tree whose hungry dent center food courtw mouth is prest, who literally stared and Against the earth’s watched me trying to sweet flowing breast; move a chair out of the way with my foot so I A tree that looks at God all day, could get to my table And lifts her leafy arms to pray; and didn’t do anything to help. I hope you choke A tree that may in Summer wear, A nest of robins in her hair; on your lo mein. (Lolz! Choke on your lo Upon whose bosom snow has lain; mein. I’m wondering if Who intimately lives with rain. this is code for something... I didn’t think it Poems are made by fools like me, was possible to choke But only God can make a tree. on that, especially from (some culture for you bitches. Schezwan) write personals!!!) so you saw me outside of the building? I do have a fuckin’ life, you know...
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS
Wednesday, February 9th, 2011
“You need space from oUtEr SpAcE.” BITCHIN’ PERSONALS RUTV -- question? Do you ever study? Props to the snow fort... it was fucking sick! (Snow fort? THERE WAS A SNOW FORT INVOLVED?! Holy shit. RUTV is now less laaammmee.) To the asswipe that told my friend she was ugly after she rejected you when you asked her to dance. get over it. Its not her fault your white ass wasn’t hott enough to grind up on.
(95.6% of men at this school are in fact, asswipes.)
MOAR BITCHIN’
CRAZY? PROLLY...
Sorry to the guys at Alpha Kappa Lambda, we thought you guys were a gay frat, until the other night. Honestly, it is more of a compliment because you dress well, have a clean house, are good looking, and do not rape girls at your house.. well most of you. Keep up the good work!
You and your blue boots make the REXL so much better. To that floor in Barr, you guys are so obnoxious. I am starting to think that you guys are some kind of strange sex / drug cult. I never see any of you apart, and I am NOT stalking you guys, you guys are just EVERYWHERE! Love, a concerned Barr Resident. Hey asshole, unlike you I was sober enough to remember that night, I know what you fucking said next to me. Trust me, you’re not even considered hot you nasty piece of ghetto trash you whore. Go do yourself a favor and fuck off you wanker. (Yeah...being so drunk that you black out is bad fucking idea.) To the mysterious dark haired man in the corner of ABP last week: I know you’re watching me, I know you flashed your Rutgers ID just to screw with me...I WILL PLAY YOUR CRAZY MIND GAMES NO LONGER!!!!!!! (Wow. You people need to seriously chill the fuck out. He’s not playing mind games with you! He’s just trying to enjoy his meal at ABP. Jesus.) To the asshole I hooked up with with the ex-girlfriend problems... That was a fucking excuse. You and the other Rutgers jerks can go screw yourselves. I’m sick of this one-night bullshit, getting led on, and the empty promises of wanting to see me again. You people make girls feel worthless. Where are the good guys out there? Oh wait, there are none here. I’m sick of this shit. Fucking Slutgers. (Fucking Slutgers indeed.) Dear Cutie Muffin Cherry Pie, we are so sad that we have no classes with you this semester! Also, we request that you switch to the gym on Cook/Douglass. You’re about to get replaced. :\ Dear sexy Indian boy: I’m really happy whenever I c u, hope you feel the same way. I wish u would initiate something, who knows we might get somewhere! (Yeah. Doubt it. Just give up hope ok?)
To my stupid neighbors; could you please not make my driveway even more of death trap by being inconsiderate assholes and blocking me in every fucking day? The fact that its full of ice doesn’t help assholes. To my “friend;” Please stop being mad at me. Its making me very, very sad and I am REAL sorry for being an insensitive bitch. To the fucking prick in the Cook/Douglass parking garage who parked his car so goddamn close to mine that I had to climb into my car through the passenger door, you are a worthless piece of shit. There was more than enough room for you to park like a normal person, but no, you chose to park a foot and a half over the line you stupid dipshit. You’re lucky I resisted the urge to key your fucking car asshole. To everyone in PHYS124 (Analytical Physics IB if any of you don’t even know what that is), why is it so difficult to attend class Q-U-I-T-E-L-Y!!? especially in this kind of class where you often get 50 or something on the exam. Every lecture always makes me feel like elementry school all over again. I am not bitter, I am just full of lots of estrogen, Moutain Dew, and delicious Indian food. To the people that eat at Douglass Cafe. We do not accept dpuble swipes!!! get it in your head, only one swipe per person. Before 4 p.m. you can only swipe for certain things, after 4 you can go crazy. I feel like I am talking to babies!!!!! Dear girl in the class, why are you so mad when I asked u something? I was just trying to be funny.
To my economics professor; it’s bad enough that you scheduled the first exam of the class on Valentine’s day, but why the hell would you schedule the first exam to be taken on the same day as my birthday? I mean, really? To the Medium: what’s happened to us? Couple years back I used to pick you up and I’d piss myself with mirth. But now, I’m lucky to let out a chuckle. It’s not you, it’s me. We can still be friends right? (No. You do not deserve my friendship. Fuck off.) To the girl on the EE who was being tickled by her troll friend. Shut the fuck up, I don’t wanna hear your goddamn squeal while I’m reading, you pig. Oh yea, and you’re a cock juggling thunder cunt. At the Katzenbach bus stop a guy swerved deliberately to hit the people there with a wave of slush. Well, he missed us and instead lost control of his shiny red sports car and plowed in to a snowbank. To the Driver: Dude, karma is a bitch, but thanks for the laugh asshole! To the girl who was with him: find yourself a better man! Dear college of Arts and Sciences, no more bullshit please... only serious matters: such as drunk midgets and latino porn stars thank you. Dear Rutgers, Seriously as a school that boasts its diversity to like the whole U.S., why the fuck don’t we have more interracial couples, more specifically asian male/ black female ones?! Gosh you guys piss me off! (Because you weren’t. Ha)
From the very confused mind of Spicy Caramel
Things to keep in mind when driving in the winter time; -You will loose your hubcaps. It just happens. There is no need to get upset about it, because most of the time, its just a stupid piece of aluminum. Are they aluminum? I don’t know. Or care. -Potholes will seriously mess your sit up. They are also fucking impossible to avoid. Why? Because most of the time, the city just doesn’t care about the fact that your car can no longer drive in a straight line. -Snow plows do nothing. In fact, they just make things worse by encasing your car in about 3 fucking feet of snow and ice that only melts if you set your damn car on fire. -Black ice is not necessarily black. Stop being racist. Ice does not discriminate, and neither should you. CLASSES
ROFLCOPTER
To all the Indians in my chem class stop being so dark, to the girls who sit in the front row stop trying to act so fucking cool. To the girls who sit next to me STOP talking about dick sizes and semen. To the indian girl who dosent stop talking and asking questions, if you dont shut it I will personally shove 100 pounds of curry down your mouth and make you wash it with TC. And to everyone in the class loosen the fuck up appreciate life and clap youre hands once in a while, you only live once. To the kid in my human evolution lecture; I am utterly perplexed at how you can spend almost the entire 90 minutes of class watching Scott Pilgrim on your laptop instead of listening to how we (and by we I mean the assholes of the human population outside this campus) have evolved from hairy, sexually selective ape-like creatures. If you pay attention more closely, you might learn some tips on how to get laid more frequently. (You’re just jealous, ‘cause Scott Pilgrim is the best movie evvverrrr.)
To the kid who gave my clicker to the chem professor instead of selling it on ebay like your douchey friend suggested: THANK YOU!!! :) To the genius who thought it was smart to build a snow ramp on College Ave so you could pull off a snowboarding trick. My day was brightened when your face hit the pavement. To the guy who helped me up after I slipped on the ice and fell on my ass; you are proof that there are still decent human beings left in the world. I hope you have a great future, you deserve it. To the girl on the EE who was sitting with her legs slightly open. I want to say that I’m sorry that I kept bending down to take fake books out of my backpack to look at your pussy. To the cunt who declares uggs and sweatpants worn together should be banned. FUCK YOU IT’S COMFY. who wakes up in the morning and actually gets ready for a lecture? To the dude who raided my freezer at my own party: step around here again, and I’ll rip off your testicles, dip them in chocolate, and sell them on lollipop sticks to malnourished African babies. To the glass in front of my house; Where the fuck did you come from? Stop being a whiny bitch and send in your personals to personals@themediumonline.com. Do it. Now. Right fucking now.
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, February 9th, 2011
“I will find you.”
PLi's SEARCH & FIND VERSION 2: VALENTINE’S DAY If you’re single and insecure, finding a Valentine’s Day date can be difficult and adds to the everyday stress of being a college student. Here at The Medium, we understand what you’re going through. Instead of toiling over your relationship woes, grab a pen and see if you can find the following items:
-Fire-breathing Dragon -Crescent moon
-Clam -Hammerhead Shark -Comb -Weepingbell (Pokemon)
STUDENT OF THE WEEK
Name: Alyssa Ezon Year: Froshmore Major: Journalism & Media Studies Job: Editor for Objet de Art Resides: With her girls, holla! Food: “I love cheese, I’m like a mouse.” Drink: Amaretto Sour Animal: Frog (alive) Interests: Being on a boat, shaking her eyes, talk shows, pretending to like sports, Mariska Hargitay, sharing her class notes.
DIZZY UP THE GIRL
If you’ve ever been forced to write in pencil because your notebook refuses to show ink, then you and Alyssa have something in common. It’s hard to argue that her beautiful smile isn’t the first thing you notice about her but if it’s not then I’m sure it’s her ambition. When she’s not too busy answering every question in class, Alyssa finds time to focus on photography (she took her own photo above with no hands!). Besides snapshots, she also enjoys conversations in Hebrew with her superhero father: plastic surgeon by day, homework editor by night. She also mentioned something about a mom and two sisters, I think?
Other Things at Rutgers besides Drinking Women’s Tennis vs. Farleigh Dickinson
GOING INSHANE: A Commuter’s RU-Screw Experience
Rutgers is not a free school. In reality, Rutgers is costing us thousands of dollars (most of us don’t even have yet). I’ve come to terms with this reinforced truth that college is expensive but only because I am expecting a high quality education. Sadly, our education at Rutgers is anything but high quality. Our education is dependent upon the faculty and staff, not just the students themselves. If the counselors, professors, and deans are unwilling to help a student overcome certain obstacles, then what the hell are we paying them for? I contacted several Rutgers officials this past week regarding an academic problem I am facing only to be disappointed. The first dean I spoke with seemed to lack any interest whatsoever in my academic problem and offered me only this phrase, “Good luck.” Not only did he insult me but his sarcastic tone undermined the severity of my situation. The next dean I spoke with (on the phone) sounded like a robot. She was of little help, spoke in a similar fashion to a voice recording, and did a fantastic job ignoring all human qualities of a conversation. Brainwashed, enough said. However, not every staff or faculty member at Rutgers is a complete tool. One of my former professors of Journalism seemed to take an interest in my “Human story.” He understood the rules and has to follow them but at the same time I applaud him for making an effort to discuss the issue deeply with me. Also, an employee within the undergraduate admissions department was of better help to me than any of the deans. Consider this my “heads up” to everyone at Rutgers (especially the freshman). This school will try to bend you over and fuck you in the ass. Rutgers does not care about your education. It cares about your dollar. And if you think Rutgers does care… Over Winter Break: -Received e-mails almost each day reminding me to pay my term bill. -Can’t recall receiving more than one e-mail for certain things like drop dates. -Can’t recall receiving a single e-mail regarding first day of classes. -Won’t e-mail you if any financial aid is taken away. I think you get it.
Balls being smacked back and forth by women. It’ll make your head spin. Time: Friday, 1 p.m. Place: Busch Tennis Center
Men’s Basketball vs. Seton Hall Title IX said I had to put this in to be fair to the guys. Time: Saturday, 7 p.m. Place: Louis Brown Athletic Center, Busch Campus
The Last Days of Judas Iscariot by Stephen Adly Guirgis Nominated for six Oscars, eight Golden Globes, and nine Razzie Awards, this play will either leave you in tears because you spent the onlwwy $15 you had or because you could’ve been out painting the town fantastic instead. Time/Place: Thursday, 8 p.m. / Sunday, 2 p.m. - MGSA Theater
Sorority Winter Car Wash Mixer Our cars look like complete shit after all those snowstorms. For only $5, enjoy a rare winterthemed car wash with Rutgers’ finest ladies. Attire includes scarves, gloves, and wool hats. Time: Sunday, 2 p.m. Place: Grease trucks parking lot
Am I the only one who thinks Joan Rivers looked totally hot in that commercial? events@themediumonline.com