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INSTA: @themediumRU
February 10th 2016
Volume LI Issue III 50¢ HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SAY HIS NAME?
THOUSANDS UPSET AS MILO YIANNOPOULOS OFFENDS NO ONE BY PAULIE VALENTINE FRENCH BRAIDED
NEW BRUNSWICK—Much to the chagrin of hundreds of protesters, the notoriously bombastic English journalist Milo Yiannopoulos was completely inoffensive. Starting at 9:15PM Tuesday night, Yiannopoulos entered Scott Hall and began an eloquent and nuanced lecture on the follies of censorship on college campuses. Over four hundred protesters, four major media outlets, and leader of the Professors for Ignorance H. Bruce Franklin crowded Scott Hall, on top of the three hundred attendees. The mission stated on the protesters’ Facebook group was to “make sure that heartless bigot understands what dismantling the patriarchy means.” “What the fuck!?” declared Janis Weller, sophomore in the
New Rutgers Football Recruit is Two Kids in a Trench Coat Doritos Baby Gets SIDS Man finds Long-Lost Twin Found in Mirror
"I RESPECT YOU, BRO" Yiannopoulos, surrounded by a crowd of inscenced student-protestors. Many people present preppred themselves for outrage by watching a YouTube playlist of Mr. Mylo Xyloto and were unprepared to agree with him, though they did.
School of Arts and Sciences. “He’s a fucking asshole I want him dead… but last night he spoke so eloquently. It makes me so fucking hard to hate him.” This was a common criticism
among the protestors. Catherine Bulson, Douglass Residential College senior, was completely moved to tears. “I was holding my ‘SHUT UP FAGGOT’ poster. Continued on Page 2
PB AND VAJAYJAY
Woman Leaves Supermarket with Dog Food and Peanut Butter BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS GETTING IN ON THIS
NORTH BRUNSWICK, N.J.— Sources reported that yesterday, Ms. Cassandra Talbot left the North Brunswick Shop Rite with only one bag of Pedigree Dog Food and a store-brand jar of creamy peanut butter. This transaction left many witnesses and neighbors extremely concerned, speculating as to why such a combination of items would be purchased solely together. Eyewitness reports came from the site of the supermarket less than ten minutes after Talbot entered her vehicle to leave and sped down the highway. Grocery checkout clerk and North Brunswick High School junior Jeremy Martin was among the first to share in his testimony.
QUICKIES
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure a boyfriend or husband.” Ms. Talbot is like my younger Martin was working at the brother’s math teacher at “Eleven Items or Less” counter middle school. She’s new and when Talbot was ready to Continued on Page 2 I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have
NOT VERY P.C. Since 1970
Christians Parade with Schmutz on Foreheads Gearheads Debate over who has the Smaller Penis Answered Inside: Are Liberal Arts Degrees Even Worth It? Humpday Now Ass Wednesday "Deadpool" Premier is an Excuse to Cosplay at Rutgers Cinema on Thursday
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NEWS
“We shouldn't entertain banning trans fats. They have enough self-esteem issues and this is the Age of Acceptance!”
SPACE RACIST
Scientists Blue Ball Humanity from Getting Alien Poon After thirty or so ‘Yo Momma’ jokes we decided to take a page NEW YORK CITY, NY— from our ancestors and agreed Scientists theorize that a that it was a power greater than recently-discovered object human comprehension and orbiting a distant star may went to lunch.” While this news originally very likely be a Jupiter-sized raised hopes of intergalactic alien superstructure. The star KIC 8462852 (nicknamed “Big diplomacy and fuckable blue Frank”) exhibits an unusual alien chicks with three tits, flickering habit that cannot be reality soon set in. Dr. Wily explained by intro level Physics. Light, a professor of robotics Renowned theoretical and artificial intelligence at physicist (and backup-Neil UNC stated, “We were all were Degrasse Tyson) Michio Kaku really amped over the thought posits that what is blocking that of banging green chicks in space star must be “a large artificial until the recent Trump polls came sphere roughly the size of in. Humanity is apparently a that planet where Miss Frizzle bunch of assholes that any alien and the kids got caught in race would vaporize, especially that red storm thing.” Michio after seeing what we call ‘higher Kaku explains. “Well we were education’.” War, disease, hunger, thinking of what could blot out roughly 25% of a star’s light. Continued on Page A7 BY SUM RANDO GI FORMER DISFIGURE SKATER
Wednesday, February 10th 2016
themedium.news@gmail.com
A DIFFERENT KIND OF CHEMO
Adderall Cures Cancer cancer?" When reached for comment, Adderall was unavailable, but his wife said, "He's always out helping everyone, whether or not they have a prescription. I want him to be home more, but for a Class II controlled substance he's out working for everyone with a few dollars. "He couldn't be happier about figuring out the cure for cancer. He's just banging his head for not helping think of it sooner. I feel like now everybody wants him to make them famous inventors. And ironically, while he's out there focusing on other people's problems, he's distancing himself from his wife and newborn baby," wept the postpartum pill. Neighbor and competitor Vyvanse commented, "I would be fucking pissed to barely receive partial credit. Being a pill is expensive. Do you know how much Adam Levine costs for a commercial? A metric fuckton! There's a reason he's
BY SAWYER NOOSE EDITOR
PISCATAWAY— In the final days of the Spring 2015 semester, Genetics student Sergei Krebs wrote down a long-sought chemical formula that has since been determined to be the cure for all forms of cancer. Now, Adderall and his legal team are challenging Kreb’s ownership of this formula. "Yeah, I popped an Addy before opening my notebook, but I bet my whole class did this. Grades are a competition and I can't win without that boost," Krebs explained. When reporters mentioned the counter-claim to his patent, Krebs rolled his eyes. "But that was all me. I paid a guy who paid a pharmacist who paid those guys. I owned that pill and what it made. "It has to have been me because I remember it so clearly, so focused on practicing what I expected to be on the final. Professor Shadeh habitually asks students about things he never taught. What's understood less than a cure for
Continued on Page A7
Did you know we just made a SnapChat for The Medium!? Probably not, because we just made it the other night as a quick grab for cheap popularity. But find it anyway at themediumru so you can see us fuck up everyday! Meetings=Wednesdays+8pm+CASC Media Room "HONKA HONKA A-WOOOOOGAH!!!!!" Michio Kaku demonstrated how he would grope those lovely alien boobies, were he given he opportunity..
...continued from front
YIANNOPOULOS
Yiannopoulos, “expresses lexicon of ideas.” His words When he mentioned the adverse reverberated through the crowd, effects of hiding triggers from calming many protesters. people with anxiety disorders, I “I had no clue my words was like, ‘Fuck!’ ” would do this,” continued Yiannopoulos’ presentation Yiannopoulos, “I’m often really covered trigger warnings and misunderstood, I just like to sit political correctness. “The with my cat with a mug of hot idiosyncratic vernacular of chocolate and read the ‘Love’ balderdash twaddle,” said section of Eat Pray Love.” ...continued from front
Editorial Staff Spring 2016
I don't know about the other one. For class maybe?" Reinhart continued to describe Talbot's behavior. "She really loves that dog, though. They're never apart when she's home. It's a shame though. A woman like her should have a boyfriend for Valentines Day coming up." Talbot could not be reached at press time for comment. She was seen in her home briefly before drawing shut all the curtains to her home.
DOG FOOD
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Adam Romatowski Fratypus
purchase the curiosity-inspiring combination. “We made eye contact for a second and then she hurried to self-checkout. I can’t image why she would be so uncomfortable.” Neighbors reported their concerns as well. We spoke with Amelia Reinhart about Talbot’s purchase. "Well, she's got a dog, so the kibble isn't unusual.
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor James Mullen III Features Editor Aly Grindall
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Andrew Blustein Connor McCarthy Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Rudy Giuliani
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to... no one. No one is good enough for us. Just like Mom always says.
Wednesday, February 10th 2016
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FEATURES
“WAIT THE SUPER BOWL ISNT A HUGE FUCKING HIT OF WEED”
OMG THEY ARE LIKE REAL PEOPLE
POLITICIANS: THEY’RE JUST LIKE US! Ah election season, aka clean out your FB friends list after finding out their political opinion sucks. I know politicians seem all scary and not like us at all because of the super PAC bullshit but do not fear! We at The Medium were able to find exclusive pictures of some candidates doing shit like us!
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FUCK SHIT UP
10 Tips for a Successful Valentines Day BY WHO ARE U 1. No one likes PDA, so make sure every picture includes a friendly and polite hover hand 2. If a box of chocolate is involved, make sure to eat half of them and leave the remnants on your face. This way you seem interested, but not tooooo interested. Also you’ll taste sweet 3. Life is like that box of chocolates you just ate, you never know what you’re gonna get, so make sure to wear 5 condoms for no risk 4. Make continuous references to your exes so they know you’ve gotten with A LOT of other people 5. Pay the check with a coupon, it shows how resourceful you are 6. Give only backhanded compliments so their self esteem is just low enough to sleep with you 7. To be relaxed and smooth, drink at least a fifth of Everclear, you’ll never feel looser
THEY GO SHOPPING! HILLARY CLINTON shops for her favorite brand of unsalted pretzels and Trix, the cereal that’s just for cool kids (like her)!
8. Let them know you’re a busy and interesting person, come 3 hours late 9. Never make eye contact, only stare at pimples and the thing they’re most self-conscious about, possibly that continuous mucus drip 10. Talk about your frat if you’re in one, let ‘em know you fucking chill and fucking pull
HEY YOU! COME OUT TO OUR MEETINGS! 8PM ROOM 439 IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER, BUT ALL THE HIPSTERS CALL IT RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER BECAUSE THAT IS THE ORIGINAL NAME! I BET YOU DID NOT KNOW THAT YOU SILLY FRESHMEN! PRETENTIOUS SHIT
THE LAMENT OF THE LX BY GRIND ALL THEY CHEAT ON THEIR SPOUSES TED CRUZ spotted on a date with DEBRA MESSING bringing a new meaning to the term just “messing around“. But don’t worry this will go unnoticed by voters and his wife!
I wait and wait and wait Always wondering, what will be my fate Am I destined to stand for years? Or are these just silly fears? Is that the red of a bus? Or is my mind making a fuss? Here it comes round the corner now! I need to get on, but how? Shove, shove, push, hit Come on idiots find a place to sit Okay I’m on all in one piece I just hope this bus doesn’t cease
THEY DRINK WATER MARCO RUBIO drinks water from a hose just like those of us in the 99%! Though RUBIO could work on his form for catching the water, his golden retriever like lapping is hard to hate!
Oh and what up to the crotch in my face Jesus does this driver think he’s in a race? Hold on for dear life to the rails And if you go beyond the white line you fail Thank God I’m here that was so bad Next semester I’m never leaving College Ave
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, February 10th 2016
“Beyonce’s new song is basically a spoken word poem with a slinky in the background.”
PITT STANK
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
OOH!
Why Are You In My House? Young Thug is a Visionary BY BRAD PITT
Yeah I’m Brad Pitt, who the fuck are you? Yes I was the guy who was in Moneyball and Troy, but I don’t see how that gives you any right to be in my house. I fucking LIVE here. Don’t you see that door? That door means you must knock to come in my damn house you penis. Look, I understand that maybe you are a big fan of my work such as my movie 12 Monkeys and I have a sweet mustache, but I have to tell you I do not appreciate you turning on my living room ceiling fan and pouring mustard on my dachshund; saying you will eat him. It’s goddamn unpleasant. Now please, you must exit my residence IMMEDIATELY. Wait, now where are you going? You can’t just lie down on MY couch; I was just sitting there before I found you IN MY BATHROOM, flipping the lightswitch, claiming it was a lightning storm or something. There can’t be lightning in here, wing ding. We are inside and it’s impossible. Where do you even get this address? I’m supposed to be unlisted. Yes, I produced 12 Years a Slave, but that doesn’t mean I want random strangers coming into my house and playing around with my expensive lighting! Not in my house buddy. Hey come back here, don’t go jumping in the pool! I know I upset a lot of people by divorcing Jennifer Aniston but hey, I’ve done some good things, and it really does not warrant you taking it upon yourself to take a refreshing dip in my pool. I told everyone back in 2004 to vote for John Kerry, bet you wish you had that one back. I was also in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, which will be on FX later this week. Your welcome, now please stop wearing my sandals. Hey! Hey! Stop right there. Fine. You may have a few Fritos from my pantry, but then you have five minutes to leave or I’m calling the police.
BY DR. RON SONOL
Has anyone heard the new album “I’m Up” by Jeffrey Lamar Williams, AKA Young Thug? If not, I highly recommend you give it a spin in your boom box. As a Distinguished Chair of Modern Music at Mason Gross, I cannot be more thrilled to share such a piece of art with my colleagues. For example, when he said “I feel special” on the track “Special” featuring Offset and Solo Lucci, pure genius! Almost comparable to his backing vocals on the hit single “Lifestyle” by Rich Gang. Who could forget when he shouted “fuck ‘em niggas!” and established himself as the emerging leader of the popular music world. I’d dare even compare it to his guest vocals on Tyga’s song, “Hookah,” in which he softly croons, “baby just pass me the hookah, baby pass me the hook-, bae pass meedahook, ay bay pah meedahooah, padahooahpadahooahpadahooah,” which eventually dissolves into incoherent rambling and cooing, consistent with Thugga’s innocent, childish persona. Inconceivable brilliance! I’m actually surprised to find myself in a minority of Musicologists who appreciate Thugga Thugga’s work. In concourse with colleagues, I actually discovered an odd disdain for his acclaimed performance on the track “About the Money” by T.I.; how could one not see the lyrical genius in verses such as “Smoke way more weed than I guy in L.A.,” or even “pants out the grocery store, they stuffed with lettuce, aye.” The echoes of Beethoven and Whitman themselves! And before you know it, Young Thug’s art will be filling the most elite and cultured of social halls in this country.
HALFTIME VOICES
Hey, You Guys Wanna Make $50? “Yes”
Bruno Mars Has four songs, they all sound the same
"FUCK THA OTHERSIDE!" Young Thug’s album Barter 6 is considered by many to be the pièce de résistance of Lil Wayne’s Tha Carter series of albums
WEINER COMMENTARY
Am I a Sandwich?
“Yes”
Coldplay Stopped making good music five years ago
“Black Lives Matter!”
Beyonce Celebrates racial terrorists
BY HOTDOG
All my life, my very existence has been in a chaotic, unending state of turmoil; society pulling me apart, fetishizing me, trying to mutate me into something I’m not. But what am I? A sandwich? Will I ever be accepted as one of the hoagies, one of the exalted subs, protecting their meats and fillings from the ever-approaching horror of the mold. Or am I something else? Constantly in a state of limbo, never quite being accepted into a community, wandering across bleak, ill-disposed country and an even more lonesome heart. Hear my plea America; save me from society’s predisposition to categorize and dehumanize me: what am I? YOU HEARD THE MAN(WHICH), AMERICA! IS A HOTDOG A SANDWICH? TWEET US @THEMEDIUMRU WITH YOUR ANSWERS!
CUM 2 R MEETING @ 8PM WED. CASC ROOM 439
Wednesday, February 10th 2016
themedium.arts@gmail.com
“COCKRIDER” BY MIM
ARTS
“I once jizzed an entire camel.”
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“MAMMAL SUPERIORITY” BY CYMRU
“POOTIT COCK-KNEE” BY THE MEDIUM ARTS TEAM
JOIN THE MEDIUM! IT’S FUN, I SWEAR. FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER
“SNOW COCK” BY DANKUM
DICK OF THE WEEK: DICK HEART
PERSONALS
the Medium You Tried
Not Football
I’ve decided to put myself out there and join a fraternity. I’m so excited to try something new!
Yesterday I was eating Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked, which coincidentally was also the state I was in. (I feel like this is one of those instances where your joke sounded better in your head.)
This year’s Superbowl halftime show was so boring! I miss the good old days of Justin Timberlake ripping off Janet Jackson’s clothes onstage.
It’s my senior year and I really couldn’t give a shit about rush week anymore. I could be doing much better things than looking for more dicks to swing around.
(I guess Sigma Alpha Epsilon is just going to have to keep swinging their own underwhelming dicks around.)
Greek life gets such a bad rap for no reason. WE DO A LOT OF CHARITY. (Sacrificing animals and putting roofies in drinks is hard work, we know.)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“My hot flashes keep me warm at night”
Greek Life Cults
(Perfect. Good luck sacrificing your future firstborn to Satan’s apprentices.)
Wednesday, February 10th 2016
The passion puddle looked really nice today. (Your attempt at small talk has been a failure.) Should I be suspicious that my professor had an tab open in incognito mode when class started today? (Don’t porn shame! Professors need to relieve stress too. Especially from nosy students like you.) (James stop eating Wendy’s every week, you’re gonna get cancer and suffer.)
I present to you: The Rutgers Big Three. Richard McCormick, Robert Barchi, and Pat Hobbs. Three assholes who don’t do their jobs but love feeling accomplished and important anyway.
(You were probably like seven when that happened please sit yourself down.)
How was the Superbowl? I don’t pay much attention to baseball, who won? (I think it was the Mets or something.)
Desperation Valentine’s Day? I’m more interested in Singles Awareness Day, am I right?! (Have fun sitting on your couch alone, eating overpriced chocolate and scorning the main characters of “Dirty Dancing” for being happy and in love.) I’m thinking of losing my virginity to my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. Any advice? (Wear a raincoat and don’t eat a heavy dinner.)
If a girl texts “heyyy” with only three y’s, does she still want the d? (Are you kidding? Three y’s means she wants the d AND a ring on the finger. Congrats dude!) Where can I buy a scarlet knight blow up doll? (Try Barnes and Noble. Or The Red Lion which I’m pretty sure doubles as a sex dungeon at night.)
Hooking up: IT’S NOT MAKING OUT. (THANK YOU I HAVE LITERALLY BEEN WANTING SOMEONETO ANSWER THIS FOR ME SINCE I WAS THIRTEEN.)
Segways
Come to our meetings. Wednesday’s at EIGHT O CLOCK PM in room FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY-NINE of the Rutgers Student Center
A Valentine For You All
THEY’RE NOT FUCKING HOVERBOARDS, THEY’RE JUST STUPID SEGWAYS. YOU DON’T LOOK COOL SHUT THE FUCK UP. (Segway riders can’t hear you over the sounds of the 18-wheelers running them over.)
YAWN.
My dad’s friend looks like El Chapo’s cousin. (But he doesn’t look like El Chapo himself so this is uninteresting and you have wasted everyone’s time.) Subway is garbage why do people still eat it? (Subway is a perfect remedy for constipation. You’re basically buying diarrhea and a clean colon.) I crop dusted an entire B bus today.
(Don’t feel proud of yourself, you’re definitely not the first one to do this.) Chemical engineers suck. (Ok let me settle this once and for all. ALL ENGINEERS are arrogant twats.) Trump sold out man.
(Said no white person ever.) Would you rather fuck Kim Kardashian or a barrel of bees? (I’ll take the bees because they can use their honey as lube and I don’t have to worry about them selling the tape of our encounter to a porn production company afterwards.) (PERSONALS EXCLUSIVE: There’s supposed to be a big space announcement on Thursday or something. For more information, please don’t ask me. Check Google or Bing.)
Be My Friend?
LuluLemon is so awesome!! Everyone should wear it :) (I didn’t know single, middle aged moms read The Medium! Do you read us while you’re at your soul cycle classes?)
I went out for lunch with my platonic guy friend but I think our waiter thought we were on a da te because he kept giving us weird looks.
(He definitely thought you were on a date because guys and girls never go out together as jsut friends! The waiter probably thought you were friendzoning your buddy too. I’m tired of my suitemate getting sexiled all the time because she ends up sleeping in my bed with me. (Why do you let her sleep in the bed with you?? Put her ass on the couch.) My girlfriend broke up with me and I also got fired from my job. (I stubbed my toe this morning.) CP Meloni would make a great pornstar name. (HOW DID YOU FIND OUT MY PORN ALIAS.) If you don’t like guacamole then fuck you. (You’re getting a little too defensive over some mashed up avocado.
PAGE A7
Wednesday February 10th 2016 themedium.a7@gmail.com
“I’m gonna drink a lot of Budweiser tonight, Tracy. I can promise you that.”
BOLLARD OF THE WEEK ALIENS
...continued from Sports
sexism, racism, ISIS, the KKK, and the Kardashians are all part of a hundred volume comprehensive list drawn up by sociologists highlighting why humanity would “get blown the fuck out” by any visiting advanced civilization. In an effort to avoid the impending devastation, engineers have been working on designs for a massive escape vessel. They want to complete prototype testing within the next seventy years because our first message sent to this race was accidentally a dick pic. In all, the human race has 150 years before the unflattering picture of Bill Nye is expected to reach the alien structure. Other groups have made different plans for the day the superior species arrives. Many assume the planet-sized structure functions the same as the Star Killer Base it resembles. Panic has definitely spread due to the success of the winter sensation “Star Wars Episode VII: Look We Hire Black People”. At this point Disney spokespersons have not spoken out about the copyright infringement, but reports show plans to file legal action at first contact with the advanced extraterrestrials. The Trekkie community has made their own plans to hold the inaugural meeting of the Galactic Federation once the aliens get to earth. Assuming everything goes as planned, it should be held in Matt’s mom’s basement because “she has the best snacks and strong Wi-Fi”. Will Smith was publicly asked by the Department of Defense to share his expertise in the preparation of a counteroffensive. In response, he demanded the inclusion of his son, Jaden. As a result, work on the escape shuttle doubled in speed.
the Medium
FUCK ROGER GOODELL CHEAP FUCKERS
...continued from Sports
of $44 million a year as Commissioner. “These people have been without clean water for months, and it is a basic human right to have clean, drinkable water,” finished Goodell, whose league approved selling bottles of Aquafina for $9 at Levi’s Stadium. The donation of two whole Gatorade containers is a huge PR move for the NFL. For the last two weeks, the NFL used over 20 gallons of water an hour in irrigation to keep Levi’s Stadium’s turf in the highest quality. The league also provided endless amounts of Gatorade and water for players to swish around in their mouths and spit back on the ground. “We really wanted to dump two things of Gatorade on our coach,” said linebacker and Super Bowl MVP Von Miller, “but I guess if it’s going to people in need, then we can make that sacrifice.” finished Miller who owns both a 2011 Chevy Camaro and 2015 BMW i8.
FEELING THE BERN
YOU’RE GOING TO DIE ALONE
9 celebrity sex toys to help spice things up in the bedroom
By Red Riding Hood
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “The Vibrinator” 2. Adam Scott’s “Ben Wya-tt Balls” 3. Lisa Simpson’s “Pearly Anal Beads” 4. Lil Wayne’s “Lil Wayne” 5. Christian Bale’s “Dark Knight rising” Retractable Dildo 6. Emma Roberts’ “Screaming Queen” Mini-Vibrator 7. Bernie Sanders’ “Feel the Bern-ing ‘ Sex Jelly 8. Daniel Craig’s “James Bondage” kit 9. Kylo Ren’s “Three-sided Vibrating Lightsaber”
THIS SHIT IS GOLD ADDERALL
...continued from News
pumping out so much shitty TV and music nowadays: me. This cancer thing is no minor feat and no one believes that Krebs boy could have done this on his own. And I think everyone will realize that Adam is a fucking gimmick like Lil’Wayne.” At press time, Adderall was being used recreationally by some dipshit Valley Girl in LA trying to focus on making a sex tape with an unspectacular rapper.
IT’S CUMMING UP QUICK
February 10th 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com THE NFL IS ALMOST TOO GENEROUS TO THOSE IN NEED
REPORT: NFL TO SEND TWO LEFTOVER GATORADE JUGS TO FLINT BY DR. TOSSED SALAD ROGER GOODELL'S LOVE CHILD
SAN FRANCISCO— Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos came out of Super 50 victorious, but the real winners are the residents of Flint, Michigan. At the postgame press conference, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced with a proud smile his plan to relieve Flint of its disastrous water quality problem. “Tonight was a great night for the NFL and the game of football, but it is with great pride to announce how the NFL plans to help the people of Flint, Michigan,” said Goodell. He went on to announce the league plans on sending two whole leftover Gatorade jugs (one Lemon-Lime, one Mango Xtremo) to help the Flint community that has been without clean, drinkable water
forward Rasheed Wallace drove a truck full of water from his home in North Carolina to Michigan. He then earned a technical foul while arguing with a police officer over a speeding ticket. The NFL, though, raised the bar in helping aid the people of Flint. “Gatorade is a truly energizing beverage, and we are happy to do all that we can to help,” continued Goodell, whose league brought in over $620 million in revenue from the Super Bowl, was more than A GRAND GESTURE OF GENEROSITY ecstatic to be providing two A spokesperson for Gatorade said they fully support what Roger whole jugs of Gatorade. Goodell and the NFL did for the people of Flint. Everybody wins here. “It is times like these where we need to forget about money response, people and celebrities for months. Michigan government have donated hundreds of and stardom, and focus solely on officials turned a blind eye to thousands of water bottles to helping those in need,” added Goodell, who makes a salary led and other contaminants in Flint. Former Detroit Pistons the Flint public water supply. In Continued on Page A7
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP:
VALENTINE'S DAY vs. CRIPPLING LONELINESS
Chris Ash burried in volcanic ash during recruiting trip BY STEPHEN A. SMIFF SPORTING SPORTSMAN
-There is the promise of sex if you spend all of your money
-There is nobody to spend an enormous amount of money on
-You can prove to your friends that you're not gay and are capable of not disappointing your parents
-You have all the time in the world to figure out why nobody wants to spend anytime with you while all of your friends are having awesome V-Day sex
-You can pretend for one more night that you can be loved and will not die alone with no next of kin -Really it's all about sex. You will have sex on Valentine's Day. Nothing beats that. Masturbation is close, but sex always wins.
-Where the lingerie you bought for your ex-girlfriend as a giant "fuck you" to your friends and family pressuring you into a relationship -You can spend all day in bed without having to share it with someone willing to give head
KILAUEA, HAWAII—New Rutgers Athletic Director Chris Ash reportedly died Saturday after Hawaii's Kilauea volcano exploded. Ash was on a lavish, allexpenses paid recruiting trip. His attempt to make a splash in his first recruitment class went awry. Ash and the recruits were reportedly hiking the volcano when it exploded. "I mean we all fast, so we's able to get the fuck outta there faster than that slowass white man," said five-star defensive end J'Darius Allen. In light of the explosion and Ash's death, none of the recruits committed to Rutgers, saying the team is terrible. "Yeah we was never gonna go there," said fourstar running back Darnell Adams. "I mean it sucks he
dead, but we just went 'cuz it was all free". After hearing the news, the NCAA has reportedly begun a probe on Rutgers athletics. An all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii is likely a violation of NCAA rules. In light of this tragic news, Rutgers will commemorate their former AD's death with "Ash Wednesday". Students and faculty will spend the day with ash on their foreheads as a symbol of not only his name but also the manner of his death. Everyone will then give up something they love in honor of Ash for about a month. Rutgers has yet to find a replacement, but they are reportedly interested in Julie Hermann, former executive senior associate director of athletics at U. of Louisville.
sneaking into sporting events SINCE 1970