This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
INSTA: @themediumRU
FEBRUARY 15th, 2017
Volume LIII Issue IV 50¢ THE BEST NEWS
SOGGY LOAF OF BREAD ANNOUNCED AS 2017 COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER GRIND ALL BITTER SENIOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—Just last week Rutgers announced the commencement speaker for the class of 2017. Expectations were high especially after 2016's event in which President Obama took the stage to celebrate the schools 250th anniversary. Living up to true Rutgers fashion, the school announced their next commencement speaker to be a soggy piece of bread. “This decision comes after much debate between the student body and the Board of Governors,” says President Barchi. “But after weeks of arguing we agreed that the best way to sum up and, unfortunately for those graduating, to say farewell to Rutgers is to have a soggy loaf of bread be our speaker”.
MR. SOGGY LOAF Soggy Loaf tweeted this image after the annoucement of his speech
According to other news outlets, an actor from the Sopranos was also in the running to be the speaker but lost when he was considered “too irrelevant” for most of the student body. “We really wanted someone
who everyone could relate to,” said student body President Karen Jackson. “While we may be missing some kids who are gluten-free we are really hitting the nail on the head with Continued on Page 2
SHE REALLY IS FOR THE PEOPLE
QUICKIES
Man Who Ordered Baconator Found Baconated In Alley Narcoleptic Muslim Falls Asleep On Prayer Mat Adam Levine Is the Worst Anyone Need a Couple Pairs of Size 13 Converse
In Protest of Defuning Planned P a r e n t h o o d , Jeb Regrets Beyoncé Aborts Twins Learning
CAILLOU RESIDENT DADDY
LOS ANGELES — In response to the GOP's efforts to defund Planned Parenthood, Beyoncé aborted her prenatal twins
yesterday afternoon, Beyoncé stated at a press conference this morning. "America cannot stand idly by while these corrupt, male bureaucrats try to tell women what we can and cannot do with
our bodies," Beyoncé stated. "That is why, in protest of these new bills to defund Planned Parenthood, I aborted my twins yesterday afternoon. Ultimately, this was my own decision, and I encourage all pregnant women in America to follow en suite and abort your babies! Even if you don't have access to a nearby Planned Parenthood, just grab a friend you can trust, a coat hanger you trust more, and fight back!" Major backlash against Beyoncé was voiced from many conservatives immediately after the press conference. Outspoken critic of Planned Continued on Page 2
NOT MOLESTING KIDS Since 1970
Spanish Instead of Russian
Shit You Won't Believe: Girl Swipes Left on THE Mr. Right
the Medium
NEWS
"Does anyone even care about award shows anymore?"
SEE TRUMP THINKS BLACK LIVES MATTER
In Honor of Black History Month Trump Shortens February By Three-Fifths
R0B $TONED RESIDENT BIRTHDAY BOY
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Since realizing the only way to get out of being the President of the United States was to delegitimize the voting system, President Donald J. Trump has now turned to a different, and even more interesting tactic to try and prematurely end his presidential tenure. In a recent secret meeting that has since been leaked by BuzzFeed, it has been announced that President Trump has proposed to shorten the month of February by 3/5ths. “The 3/5ths Compromise was a huge part of America’s history, what better way to honor Black History Month than by incorporating a vital component of black history directly into the month?” asked Press Secretary Sean Spicer at a Press Briefing while on the verge of tears awkwardly trying to find his soul. February being Black History Month, and even more
MISS UNIVERSE 2017
Wednesday, February 15th, 2017
themedium.news@gmail.com
PRO CHOICE BEYONCÉ
...continued from front
Parenthood and developed in their support. Head of fetus Vice President Mike Pence Beyoncé Fan Club and resident issued a statement saying, "It's morning person Sabina Roco, disgraceful that somebody, so 17, went on the record stating, many young Americans look "Honestly, Beyoncé is a queen. up to, has murdered her two I fucked 14 guys rawdog since beautiful twins in cold blood. her announcement, just to get How someone such as Beyoncé commonly known for being the could rip the heads off their two pregnant, just so that I can abort month with a substantially less innocent children, place them on the little fucker that tries to steal amount of days than every other sticks, and march through NYC my nutrients. I posted a service month, has already come under chanting 'Death to Toddlers,' I'll on Craigslist to perform cheap as fuck abortions. I've got some fire for having holidays such never understand." Xanax, a coat hanger, some as Groundhog Day, Valentine’s While no official statement, scotch tape, WD-40, sage, and a Day, Umbrella Day, National Trump tweeted out earlier Battery Day, the Leap Year and today, "Disgusting. Beyonce iss fake Medical Doctorate." Multiple anonymous of course, Not My President’s [sic] OLD NEws [sic]. SAD!!! sources have called in to say that Day. [sic] MAGA" “Nobody even likes At the same time, many fans Beyoncé aborted her kids so that February. It’s the worst month of Beyoncé's have been active she could play Coachella. by far. He’s doing everybody a huge favor,” Spicer said. The new proposal, which CONGRATS CLASS OF 2017 has already been drafted by SOGGY BREAD ...continued from front Trump’s administration as an everyone else!” Rutgers students have had executive order waiting to be Sources close to the board mixed reactions. While some signed by President Trump’s tiny hands, is unprecedented say that the soggy loaf of bread more competent students who and has nobody on edge. The currently resides in Brower had already completely given Medium did some research dining hall, making it a true up on Rutgers, simply blamed and grabbed a calculator and insider into how the Rutgers the classic RU screw, others found that 28 divided by 3/5ths world works. The moist loaf were more reluctant to do so. is, in fact, 46.7. So don’t worry can often be seen keeping a Talks of protests are currently February birthdays, proponents watchful eye on all who pass circulating around campus. of Black History Month and the sandwich station in the back Whether or not the protests will be as large as the ones produced those of you who are really into corner of Brower. “I’m just so shocked,” when Condoleezza Rice was batteries, the shitty February that you all know and love is said the bread in an exclusive announced is unclear. Soggy Loaf will reportedly here to stay and it’s just getting interview. “I’ve been around here for a long time and I’ve make focus its speech heavily started. seen everything from Rutgers- on the demise of America as it is Fest to the DDoS blackout, but consumed by the ever-persistent I never thought I would be greed that capitalism fosters, a chosen to officiate the ceremony topic that will truly touch the that gives these kids away to the hearts of all who hear it and real world”. inspire every graduating student Since the annoucement, to succeed beyond Rutgers.
COME TO OUR MEETINGS WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER RM 411B REST OF THE UNIVERSE STEPPING IT UP Miss Venus being crowned the new Miss Universe 2017 breaking the Earths 63 year streak #FINALLY
Editorial Staff Spring 2017
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Sifat Mahbub Andrew Blustein Andrew Blustein
Fratypus
News Editors James Mullen III Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Michael Okolo Personals Editor Rob Sanchez A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Marissa Schwartz
Sports Editor Kevin McClintock Copy Editor Evan Hutchins Jonathan Holzsager Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Mr. Grammy
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. Dedicated to Queen Bey bc FUCK THE GRAMMY'S
Wednesday, February 15th, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“Dedicated to the late, great Sean Kingston”
IF YOU KEEP LOOKIN...
SELF-HELP
ASK AGNES ADVICE COLUMN This is the inaugural edition of “Ask Agnes Advice Column”. Agnes is Andrew’s grandmother and she has volunteered her time and wisdom to give you, the desperate students of Rutgers some good advice. Send your problems and questions to Agnes at themedium.features@gmail.com. Dear Agnes, I really like this girl and I just don’t know how to approach her. What should I do? Sincerely, Shy boy ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TINDER SCAVENGER HUNT BY GIRL WHO LIKES BROWER If you’re anything like my homely and endlessly horny guy friend that has a Tinder, it hasn’t born much fruit except for a few weird “first-dates” that ended in awkward forced kisses or total embarrassment at the the fact that despite countless matches, each time you plan to hookup with someone, they appear to be the exact opposite of their profile in person and you just can’t seem to get *it* up. If this doesn’t seem like you, that’s also okay, but I have an alternative use for Tinder anyway. Cue the Tinder Scavenger Hunt. Now this activity is not for the meek, you have to have a spirit of adventure and a commitment to the unknown. What you do is open Tinder and set the geographical radius to the smallest possible: 1 mile (it helps to be in a densely populated area with open access to buildings in the area, or a large outdoor area without many obstructions). Then choose your people of interest: guys, girls, both, etc. Then let the fun begin, it doesn’t matter if they swipe back or not, you just need to find people in a close enough radius that you can just track them down. My favorite is spotting a nearby person and just hiding and whispering their name out loud until they hear it and become very confused. That’s when I run away and find my next victim. I don’t recommend you do anything too crazy to the people you find, but this is a great technique to “organically” meet someone that didn’t match with you on Tinder, but that you know would match with you in real life.
Dear Shy boy, You’re in love. That’s so heartwarming. The first step is to let her know you like her. What I recommend is write a nice handwritten note. Even better, use little cut-out letters from magazines and write out that she should meet you in a disclosed location at sunset—that’s especially romantic. Then, bring a picnic basket with cheese and wine, and a corkscrew—it has to be a really long, sharp corkscrew. Once you’ve seduced her senses, pull her close. That’s when you strike. It’s your move. Grab the corkscrew and puncture in the neck. Make sure you get the carotid artery. If she tries to get away, grab her by the ankle and get the femoral artery. Make sure to muffle her screams...that would cause a problem. When she quiets, put her in the XL duffel you bought at L.L. Bean. Take her to international waters at night and dump. Love, Agnes XOXO
WHAT GETS YOU OUT OF BED
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES FROM YOUR DRUNK UNCLE “The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today or a reaalllly bad hangover.” Franklin D. Boozevelt
COME TO OUR MEETINGS ALUMNI CORNER
Were you lonely last night? Come to our meetings Wednesday at 7:45 at College Ave Student Center 411B. We need girls too, we’re lonely.
BLACK HISTORY MONFH: REMEMBER SOJOURNER TRUTH
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, February 15th, 2017
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“No internet week 3: Look at me, I’m the captain now.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What did you think of the Grammys? “Why the fuck do people care about Beyonce? She did nothing. ”
John Roach No one cares when he’s pregnant.
“Thank the lord. God did this. He is great.” Chance the Rapper Wants to thank God.
“I’m down to 150 lbs after walking to the stage so often.”
Adele Stopped and restarted this sentence. MAKE RUTGERS GREAT AGAIN
I WANT MY RED HATS BACK. BY DANIEL HAWLEY
Honestly fuck Donald Trump. Just fuck him. He’s really done fucking it this time. I’m not talking about some Muslim ban or this whole cabinet business. I’m talking about what he’s done to hats. Dear God. He has ruined them, especially red hats. Every time I wear a red hat, every single person thinks that is says “Make American Great Again.” As a Rutgers student and Scarlet Knights fan, this is fucking horrifying. Have you walked throughout campus? Fucking red hats everywhere. Every time I wear one I feel like I’m being profiled. Why couldn’t you have taken diarrhea brown or some ugly orange, like your skin tone? This is what those people must feel like when they come back from war. PTSD, that’s what I’m experiencing. Can I just please have my school color back? I want to be able to look back in 20 years and remember how many chick I ate out in frat basements while wearing my red Rutgers hat. I don’t want to thinking about all those times some guy came up to me and called me a racist, or the multiple occasions where I was walking to class and someone threw a milkshake at me because I was supporting my school. The worst part? I don’t even fucking blame them. Donald Trump is a fucking asshole, and all those douchebags who wear his hats deserve to be called bigots and have frosted dairy beverages chucked in their directions. But for fucks sake, I’m not one of them! I just want to fucking have my school colors back. I miss being able to support the Scarlet Knights without having people hate me.
OH THE HU-MANATEE
MANATEE HUNTING NEEDS TO BE FUCKING LEGALIZED. BY JAMES MULLEN
It has officially been one year since manatees were lifted from the endangered species list. I strongly believe that we should be opening a hunting season to curb this population explosion. 39 years of protection under the Florida Manatee Sanctuary Act combined with strict environmental regulations have allowed the manatee population to recover to an unacceptable level. These aquatic mammals offer little to Florida’s natural ecosystems. All they do is take up space and get hit by boats. Manatees pose a direct threat to boaters who wish to cruise at full throttle in shallow water. Their large, fleshy bodies regularly wreak havoc on boat propellers. This damage is not only expensive, but dangerous. Boaters stranded with a broken propeller could be left waiting for help up to several hours, where they risk mild dehydration and moderate sunburns. There’s no reason that humans should be subject to these unnecessary dangers just to preserve possible one of the world’s most vile species. In addition to being an immediate threat to boaters, manatees are a visual nightmare. They are fat and gray. Manatees are also known to some as sea cows, which is a disservice to cows. We slaughter cows by the millions every year, and cows are useful. They provide milk, beef, and leather for us. Manatees, as stated before, do nothing except lumber about and get hit by boats. So why aren’t we killing them? I propose that we open a hunting season for manatees. It could be open from January 1st to December 31st each year, with no limit on the number of manatees that an individual can kill. In addition to the limit free season, we shouldn’t regulate how the manatees are hunted. Removing no wake zones would allow for boaters to plow through shallow water at maximum speed if they so choose, destroying any sea cows in the way. This would also allow for quicker, more efficient aquatic transportation, which would be good for the economy. Within a few years, hopefully we can get manatees back onto the endangered species list, where they belong. Who knows, maybe we could even eradicate them altogether!
The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Send your hate mail to not me. We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com And if you see us on Tinder? Super like us or swipe right. You know what sucks? When you have just a small amount of extra space and you need something to fill it in with, so... Hi Mom and Dad! Why don’t you love me?
Wednesday, February 15th 2017
themedium.arts@gmail.com
ARTS
“Valentine’s Day is a horrible holiday”
the Medium
“HOW I SPENT MY VALENTINE’S DAY’’ BY BITTER DUDE
“DICK OF THE WEEK” BY MIKE HAWK
DIDN’T GET ENOUGH DICK THIS VALENTINE’S DAY? COME TO THE MEDIUM ON WEDNESDAYS IN THE COLLEGE AVENUE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 411B AT 7:45PM! WE HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH DICKS FOR YOU TO ENJOY.
“STUDENT COUNCIL SANCTUARY EP. 3” BY SWOLE MIKE
PERSONALS
the Medium THIS
THE
Who would you rather be Jack Nicholson or Leonardo DiCaprio?
Fuck Valentine’s Day, it’s just a hallmark holiday. Just kidding, someone please love me.
I find it funny that letting dogs lick human cuts actually makes it heal faster.
Hieroglyphics are basically comic books. (In the way that nobody reads them, has poorly drawn pictures of guys in their underwear and are incredibly important to nerds? Yeah.) Zoos are kinda fucked up. (Zoos are totally fucked up. Caging awesome animals and making them be shitty animals is totally uncool. Also, I feel like the people who go to zoos are fat, so that’s a minus.) (Aquariums are alright tho.)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“My leg!”
IS
(One is a total badass who has banged over 100 women and has reached the socially acceptable status of wearing sunglasses inside, the other is a vegan pussy who would fuck the environment. Who do you think?)
Wednesday, February 15th, 2017
(My hall is having a Palentine’s Day which you are totally welcome to not come to. I’m also not sure if it’s for pathetic people who want to make pals or a day to celebrate Palestinians. Either way, stay away! Also, your hand will always love you.) I was consistently high this entire weekend, is there something wrong with me? (No, there’s obviously nothing wrong with you, you flippin stoner. This was clearly just your way of telling the 13 people who read our newspaper that you smoke. Loser.) Don’t you hate when you poop but it’s just not satisfying enough. Like after I poop I want to feel like I can take down 2 burritos in 5 minutes. (Uhh, okay. Same, I guess?)
Do you wanna see a picture of my dog?
(As if dogs needed more of a reason to be considered awesome. They totally know it’s their job too, like you could show your dog your cut and whisper seductively ‘lick it’ and your dog would do it gladly. 50 Shades of Barker When I was in first grade some girl peed all over the floor and I will literally never forget it. (Yeah, I would probably never forget that either. Except when I was in the first grade I one time threw up all over my desk. It’s because I was drunk. I peaked in first grade.)
(You know when teachers say, don’t worry class there are no stupid questions? This, this is not one of those times.) Dinosaurs are so cool. (What’s your favorite dinosaur? Mine has got to be the rare gayquaza.) It’s crazy how close cars get to each other at high speeds on a regular basis.
A saw a guy with a New York Giants yarmulke on. I laughed. (Props to you for spelling that fucking joke of a word correct and props to him for trying to blend the yarmulke into something normal for society.)
I do not understand how congestion moves from nostril to nostril.
Just thought you guys should know.
Don’t ask me if I watched the Grammys. I didn’t. I’m saving my viewing party for the awards show that matters. The Slammy Awards. The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, The Bella Twins, a surprise performance by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and, of course, JOOOHHHN CEEEEEENA! What’s not to like?
What if oxygen actually KRUSTY killed us, it just took around 100 years to happen. It’s my birthday.
(I have a feeling the people that send me personals are a group of like 3 guys who just get super high all the time and get really deep and really retrospectiive. Sup.)
Our meetings are on Wednesday, 7:45 P.M. at room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center.
NO I DIDN’T WATCH THE GRAMMYS
(Gravity probably. I actually recently found out you could intentionally shift the clogged nostril to the empty nostril by laying on your side. I’m basically a reincarnation of fucking Einstein.) Dirty snow is one of the most disgusting substances to cross this Earth. (Don’t eat the yellow snow!) Turtlenecks are for pussies. (False you fucking ass hat. Turtlenecks are cool. You’re the pussy. Pussy.)
(That sucks.) Is vest short for something? (Don’t think so. Feels like it is tho. Maybe vesticular cancer?) Getting assassinated is an unreal way to die. (Assassination gives the implication of a shot but I’m not sure that’s always true unless it is. You know what would be a cool movie idea, the life of the assassin and the assassinated. Two separate threads that come together at the point of assasination. Dear Black Mirror,...)
KRAB? John McCarthy just being able to say who was a commy with no evidence whatsoever. (People were seriously that afraid of Communism at the time. I mean the Cold War was so fucking cold at that point so if you were a sheep of a person, I get it. Huey Long was a fucking weapon tho.) Crazy how there are two modes of weather and the Earth has the exact parameters for life. (Earth. The giver of life. Such a cool guy.) (Uranus on the other hand...)
I will pay anybody BIG money if they can find the word ‘PENIS’ I hid somewhere in the responses to your personals. I swear it’s somewhere in there so look LONG and HARD for my hidden PENIS.
Wednesday February 15th, 2017
PAGE A7
“We are always watching, waiting, writing”
themedium.a7@gmail.com
101 WACKY JERKS BOOK
the Medium M. NIGHT SHAM-A-LOT
Post Valentine’s Day Activities BY SUE DENIMM TREE MOLESTER
SPLIT MOVIE REVIEW
• Hit up Tinder. Lots of lonely people that feel just as neglected as you right now, and hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and see some cool dogs.
BY ROD JERBERT JR.
• Call your mother, do you know what she got for Valentine’s Day? Back pain. She’s paying for your education, ya dope. • Take a shower, put on something nice, and be equally as unsuccessful as yesterday. • Find your local manatee and give them a hug, I get the feeling they could really use it right about now • Go to your doctor and get checked. I can not stress enough how important it is to prevent STAC’s (Sexually Transmitted Alien Cholera). • Make yourself your own scrapbook. Remember that time you went to Aruba alone? Who needs love, am I right? • Focus on your schoolwork now. Your loved ones will eventually hold you back anyway.
NEW YORK CITY—As a mother, this movie horrified me. My kids should not be exposed to this kind of unnecessary violence. And the fact that he cross-dresses. Disgusting! I will be telling all mothers to avoid this movie. Our kids need to be sheltered. No mommy! This movie looks awesome! I totally want to see it! Like, I was telling all my friends at school during lunch about how I plan on sneaking into the movies and they were all totally impressed. And when I go see this movie I’ll be a total legend. Quiet Billy! He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He keeps interrupting me. I’m the professional here. I’ve been writing reviews on my blog for 12 years now, and I have an impressive following of six subscribers. I just want to say, though, that this movie is not worth a review. After M. Night Shyamalan’s “After Earth” I refuse to see any of his movies. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m the expert here. I know movies. I’ve seen over a billion movies. That’s all we got here down in Georgia. That and fucking our sisters. And I know that, too. You could say I’m an expert in every movie ever and fucking sisters. Oh, please. I’ll be real with you. This movie is full of twists and turns. Classic M. Night. I’m the night manager at a local theater, so I’m making moves, ya know. I decide to spoil myself and sneak into the movie with some popcorn (that I didn’t pay for by the way). So I’m sitting there, and I’m blown away. Great movie. Great performances. Great overall. I mean, it was totally predictable and it was really overacted, but still, I saw it for free. And then my boss came in looking for me and I totally snuck out before he saw me. Great night. Great movie. Life is great. Who says working at a movie theater is a dead-end job? Rating: 7/10 personalities (No, give it a 5. No, 8! This movie deserves a ZERO! Shut up. No you shut up. Man, just shut the fuck up. Bro, nobody asked your opinion. Fuck you. Nah fuck you imma fuck you up if you don’t get outta here. Okay man sorry. That’s right, bitch, it gets a fucking 3 cuz I’m the fucking boss here.)
WEEKLY PSA
February 15th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com ALL-DAY-I-DREAM-ABOUT-SADNESS
RU TG E R S RELEASES DEPRESSING A D I DAS SWEAT SUIT LINE MAXIMUM POWERS BIG AND BAD
NEW BRUNSWICK— Monday, Rutgers Athletics announced a new partnership with the Adidas athletic wear company to become the distributor of official Rutgers apparel. Under the deal, allnew, strategically designed uniforms will be made for the basketball and football teams while the other twentytwo of Rutgers's sports teams are set to receive tasteful commemorative gift baskets limited to one per team. Adidas, a German corporation, is renown for supporting the US fencing team, sponsoring of a bunch of South American soccer teams only your foreign friends watch, and supplying tracksuits for the entirety of the Russian mafia. To ring in this new partnership, Rutgers and Adidas have collaborated on
The Depression Line The new outfit by Adidas, shown to completely absorb most liquids
a new line of apparel looking to encapsulate the spirit of Rutgers Athletics. Dubbed the “Eventually” line, these new articles of clothing feature a wide arrangement
of just sweatshirts and sweatpants meant to fit any expanding waistline. Made from luxurious Alcoholic Father Brand fabric, these sweats capture
the raw disappointment and willingness to give up that comes with being a fan of the Scarlet Knights. Hefty customers may have to wait on their orders as sizes only come between one and nine as the fabric was never prepared to move up into the larger size ten. Coaches and athletes are thrilled over the new deal with many claiming it cements a lifelong ambition. Men’s Basketball center, Riccolo Jones told reporters, “I always saw myself as a middle-aged obese man who always goes to the gym but never loses weight. So now I look the part too!” Fellow basketball player, Cherry Halls added “It’s like Adidas knows what it’s like to give up on your dreams and made sweats to fit that lifestyle. I can’t see any other brand so faithfully upholding the Rutgers name.”
LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON
JEFFREY SANDUSKY REUNITES WITH A D O P T I V E FAT H E R , BU S I N E S S PA RT N E R
MAXIMUM POWERS OUTTA THE BOX
BELLEFONTE, PA—Jeffrey S. Sandusky, the adoptive son of infamous Jerry “Big Papa” Sandusky, was arrested after allegations of sexual abuse of minors arose. Jeffrey Sandusky, lovingly called “Horse Vomit” by colleagues, is now being held at $200,000 bail, coincidently at the same prison where his father is currently serving his life sentence. A joint shanking is being prepared for the two to celebrate in the occasion. While it is a shame that Jeffrey ended up being horrible sub-human garbage
like his father, the corrections officers are looking to make an event out of the reunion of the two Sanduskys. Warden Michael Mathers said that family meeting up in prison
is “not an uncommon event around here, we get cousins and brothers joining up all the time. Sometimes it's for the same crime.” This case however
Only GOOD TOUCHING SInce 1970
differed from others. The warden continued, “We never see father and sons around here. Hell, most of these guys have never even seen their own fathers before. This would almost be touching. The fact that they both are child molesters lets us feel no guilt for letting the other prisoners loose on them.” Warden Mathers hopes that this event will help boost prisoner morale by allowing them to take out their repressed abandonment issues on the father-son duo. Medical staff has been alerted and are set to turn a blind eye to the Sanduskys over the next few days.