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FEBRUARY 1ST, 2017
Volume LIII Issue II 50¢ WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS
ABSOLUTE FUCKING MADMAN ON LX NOT USING HANDRAILS BY ARTHUR CASE NOT SPIKE LEE
PISCATAWAY -NEW BRUNSWICK—Students at Rutgers were shocked this morning to hear reports of an absolute fucking madman riding the LX bus without sitting down or holding on to the handrails. The student, who has been identified as School of Arts and Sciences sophomore Darrell Andrews, believes he is capable of riding the bus without using the handrails. “I can’t believe he’s just standing like that,” whispers Caleigh Eberhardt, a freshman living on Livingston campus. “He’s so awesome. I hope I can do that by the time I’m a sophomore!” Eberhardt, amazed at the pure, raw fucking talent that Andrews was displaying, sat in one of the many empty seats on the particular LX bus they were riding in silent amazement.
LOOK MA NO HANDS Darrell can't be controlled guys
hen The Medium requested W a comment from Andrews, he looked over and gave just the slickest fuckin’ bro nod we’ve ever seen. Obviously he didn’t have time for an interview, as he was focusing on riding
around Livingston and College Ave with the masterful balance and coordination of a skilled sailor. Just as quick as it began, Continued on Page 2
Trump Closes Borders To Muslims Without 10:1 Ratio
WASHINGTON, D.C.— This past week President Trump announced his plan to halt immigration from several countries who's common trait
Come To Open Mic Night! Dora the Explorer Deported Student Waiting For B Bus Dies of Natural Causes
FRAT BOY 2.0
BY GRIND ALL DOES THE WRONG THING
QUICKIES
is their belief in Islam. Upon this announcement Trump faced serious backlash from a majority of the country sparking protests across the country. Following advice from his advisors Trump has agreed to modify his plan
to allow Muslims from the countries in but only if they can pull a ratio of 10:1. "This is a great plan," said Trump in a press conference addressing his new plan. "This is the greatest plan America has ever seen in regards to immigration. I can see it now. Tons and tons of hot women coming in to our country". Trump, barely addressing the other sex, briefly stated that he was still against Muslims as they were totally all terrorists but the hot ones were cool in his book. "Its ratio or nothing. None of that 'throwing 5s' bullshit, we want 10 hot, and I mean hot women coming in here" he continued on. Continued on Page 2
EXPECTING DELAYS Since 1970
Bugels Taste Just As Awesome As You Remember Did You Know?: Every Woman That Is Nice To You Wants To Ask You Out
Study Finds AmericanItalians Are Indeed Oppressed
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NEWS
"Backstreet Boys > N'SYNC"
GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY
Guy With No Arms Feels Like Fucking Idiot After Breaking Both Legs CAILLOU RESIDENT DAD
Piscataway - Local disabled man Hoff Belance, 22, was reported to have felt like major fuck up last night after breaking both legs, sources report. Belance was born with a condition that necessitated the immediate removal of his upper appendages, leaving him armless and feeling like a real dickhead. But after last night, Belance thinks he really shit the bed with this one. "Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking, going out and breaking my legs 'n shit," Belance stated. "Fuck man, I feel like such a dingus, y'know? Like what am I supposed to do, wiggle everywhere like a
goddamn member of the famous children's musical group The Wiggles? Fuck." Belance's friend Chris R. was sympathetic to Belance's situation. "I've already bought the biggest baby carrier money can buy, and I bought this prosthetic leg thing he can attach to his dick so that when his legs get better, it will help him readjust to walking. It's not like we'll be going out much, so I just got us this The Wiggles: Hot Potatoes! The Best of the Wiggles dvd that we can watch, some booze, and I dunno; who knows what'll happen after that!" We were able to get a quick word with Belance's mom, who was quoted saying that "I love my son, but that dumbass can really shit a brick on his dick sometimes, y'know?"
Woman Supports Syrian Refugees By Liking Facebook Picture
YOUR MOM'S LESBIAN FRIEND JANICE RESIDENT LESBO
HOLD ON GUYS
Andrews’ total fucking dominance of the LX floor came to an end. As the LX bus came to a stop at Scott Hall, he used the momentum of the bus to
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THANKS GIRL
YOUR HOMETOWN - Just as it seems all hope has been lost for Syrian refugees, in lieu of the immigration ban set by President Trump, a light at the end of the tunnel has been spotted. Deborah Thomas, 51 year old mother of four, liked an image of a crying Middle Eastern child on Facebook to show her support. The image has been circulating social media for quite some time now, but this particular image was paired with the text “Please like to show support for the Syrian refugees”. Deborah being the wholesome Christian woman she is felt an WHO DO YOU KNOW HERE overwhelming wave of emotion TRUMP ENFORCES RATIO when the image appeared on ...continued from front her Facebook feed. “It was almost like seeing How this policy will be Trumps plan to objectify women one of those Sarah McLaughlin enacted has not been decided for personal gain will bode in but it will interesting to see how a country comprised of 50% ASPCA commercials, but not as sad” said Thomas. Although liking the picture doesn’t THAT BOSS ON THE LX
Wednesday, February 1ST 2017
directly, or indirectly help the cause of the refugees, Deborah Thomas held her chin high, feeling as if she made a real difference. “I don’t want to be regarded as a hero or anything, I just think it’s time to help those Libyans or wherever it is they’re from. They all kinda blend together, you know?” The 51 year old said she even felt compelled to share it, but had already shared an image of a really cute CorgiGolden retriever mix, and didn’t want to bombard all 24 of her Facebook friends with “a bunch of random shit”. Upon further investigation, the crying child depicted in the image actually isn’t Syrian, but Argentinian, and was crying after Germany won 4-0 against Argentina in the 2010 world cup. Regardless, the idea of compassion was there, and that’s how Deborah Thomas played her part in removing ISIS and helping the Syrian children.
...continued from front
carry him up to the front exit, where he stepped off without so much as looking at that fuckin’ handrail. Astounding.
COME TO OUR MEETINGS, WE HAVE FOOD! WEDNESDAYS, 7:45 PM ROOM 411B IN THE CASC THERE SHE GOES Look at Debroah, saving the world one Facebook like at a time
Editorial Staff Spring 2016
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. Dedicated to Prozac
Wednesday, February 1sr, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
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“Are you sure you weren’t watching a porno?”
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND
LATE REVIEW OF T.V. SHOW ON 7TH SEASON BY GIRL WHO LIKES BROWER
Being a humanities major who has completed all SAS core requirements, I have some more time on my hands and was looking for some new shows to take up my time. I tried Stranger Things and West World, but they were both too surreal and dreary for my liking, so I ventured into Netflix’s vault of comedies and dramas and found a true gem, Shameless. The series, which was based on a series of the same name in Great Britain, launched in 2011 and follows the six children of a low-functioning alcoholic. From wacky family hi-jinks, to man butts, boobs and lots of sex, to agoraphobia, this show has something for anyone. I, like most Americans, come from a very dysfunctional family and have not dealth with all of the relationship issues that have since developed. Fiona’s lack of attachment to her boyfriend Steve gives me solace that if she can still get sex and live a somewhat fulfilling life, maybe I can too. There’s something about watching the Gallagher clan take to the hard knocks streets of Chicago with no money, no strong positive parental figures and no qualms and keep on living. This kinda feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read. The truth is, I’m only on episode 8, so that’s all I got.
FUTURE SO BRIGHT, I NEED A HAT
DRAW A HAT ON THE GROUNDHOG! It’s almost the day when a man grabs a rodent out of a hole on national television and I’m not talking about this election, so in honor of this occasion, draw a hat on this groundhog! Send your best hats to themedium.features@gmail.com
IT’S GETTIN HOT IN HERE
PROOF CLIMATE CHANGE EXISTS BY NIFTY KNITTER
If these facts don’t change your mind about the rapid and irreversible changes in our environment, than I guarantee nothing will. -People wear shorts and winter boots at the same time -They can serve Summer Vegetable Soup in the WINTER at the dining hall -I wear 5 layers to class and become overheated—in the WINTER
WORDS
HIP AND TRENDY WORDS Negging [ne-ging]
verb: Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances
-My environmental science professor says so -The weatherperson always gets the forecasts wrong
PURSUE BETTER
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES FROM YOUR DRUNK UNCLE
“Know your limits, but NEVER accept them.”
-Samuel Adams
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OPINIONS
“Steve from Blues Clues’ really grew up to be a terrible person.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What are you putting on your protest sign? “I’ve made a huge mistake. ” Andrew Stanton Republican, Fan of Arrested Development
“Italians are oppressed. You can’t keep us out!” Michael Vincent Redneck Gay
“We need a wall to keep out the billionaires on Wall Street.” Bernie Sanders Still has a path to victory
THAT’S NOT WHITE...
I SUPPORT REFUGEE CAUSES AS LONG AS THEY STAY AWAY FROM ME.
BY JOHN WHITE Listen, I’m a white male, but don’t hate me for that. I’m not just any white male, I’m a LIBERAL white male, because I’m from the Tri-State area. I voted for Hillary Clinton. I posted statuses on Facebook about how terrible Trump would be for this country, and I was right. He’s a shit show. Not even two weeks in and he’s already the worst president we’ve ever had. This Muslim ban of his? It’s disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. How can a man of the people, a man in the most powerful position in the world turn away refugees, people in need from America’s doorstep. It’s despicable and frankly less than human. At times like these we need to come together, to help each other. That’s why I fully support all the refugees fleeing the Middle East and looking to come into the US. They have a spot here and I for one welcome them...as long as they don’t come anywhere near here. I understand the statistics, I know I’m not in any danger from any of these refugees, none of them are terrorists. But like, are we sure? Sure they go through all this vetting, more than any other person coming into the United States, but like, I’m just saying I don’t really know if I feel comfortable around them. They’re different from me, which is not a bad thing, but like, they are just so different. They don’t even look like me. How do I know I can trust them? I want to be able to open up my doors for all the refugees, but honestly, I just don’t know if I can. I support all these refugees, but please, just keep all them as far away from me as possible!
Wednesday, February 1st, 2017
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I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND RAND PAUL
I’M CONFUSED ABOUT HOW TO FEEL ABOUT LINDSEY GRAHAM. BY JIMMY BERNARD
All right, so I’m thoroughly confused. As a millennial caught up in this fast paced world of consumerism who only skims the top of the news cycle without doing much subsequent research, I’ve always been told by the media outlets I specifically follow in my curated life—therefore have always independently thought—that Lindsey Graham is basically the equivalent of one of Satan’s hemorrhoids. Then I went on Twitter the other day, and now I don’t know what to think. Lindsey Graham had a string of really cool and sarcastic Tweets! I’m cool and sarcastic! I never thought I’d find Lindsey Graham—a human version of a retarded Southern Bullfrog shitting on a decaying log—relatable. He retweeted an article from The Onion while simultaneously standing up to Donald Trump. Then he kept going after him on Twitter, including one where he talked about tequila and wrote in broken, semioffensive Spanish. That’s relatable to the younger generation! Plus, Graham is a Republican. So is Trump. Graham stood up for his beliefs, kind of. What is going on? As a keen, self-indulging millennial looking for any bandwagon to latch my short attention span to, I figured Graham actually isn’t that bad, and he has just gotten a bad rap this entire time. So, as a result, I actually decided to do some research. From what I found, I realize why I’ve never done research to substantiate my beliefs before. He wants to defund Planned Parenthood because “they harvest organs of the unborn.” He also opposes expanded background checks when purchasing a gun. But then, against my better judgment, I did more research. He is for background checks on the mentally ill. He also recognizes climate change. He wants to create a safe haven for refugees, but not let them in the U.S. I need an answer! I need to be told what to think! It’s so much easier when issues are black and white and I just decide what to think based on some unfounded, instantaneous reaction to current events. I finally went back to Twitter, hoping to get a firm answer from one of his newer Tweets, but I saw he t jmweeted support of that Betsy DeVos lady. She sucks, right? So Lindsey Graham sucks, too…right? That’s what I’ve been told by the people I choose to listen to. I’m lost, and I don’t know where to go. I thought I could blindly trust Twitter, but I guess not. Damn you, Lindsey Graham. Damn you. The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Send your hate mail to not me. We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com And if you see us on Tinder? Super like us or swipe right. Also Tuesday, January 31st from 8 to 10 pm in the Cove in Busch Student Center RUPA Presents Comedy Open Mic Night, hosted by The Medium COME OUT AND TELL JOKES PLEASE. CHECK A7 FOR MORE INFO I love you for reading all this. You know what sucks? When you have just a small amount of extra space and you need something to fill it in with, so... Hi Mom and Dad!
Wednesday, February 1st, 2017
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“STARSTRUCK” BY MIKE HAWK
“RUSHED PENIS” BY MIKE HAWK
ARTS
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“Dope as Fuck”
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PERSONALS
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Wednesday, February 1st, 2017
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“What is today but yesterday’s tomorrow.”
IF YOU’RE READING THIS I hate RU bus drivers. (Woah, come on chill out. That man or woman once had hopes and dreams and now they’re driving in circles in one of the shittiest cities in America, possibly the world. So let them have their forty minute smoke break, it’s the last thing stopping them from killing themselves.) I got thrown up on once at a party. (It’s actually more common than you might think. I swear if you Google search ‘people getting thrown up on’ you’ll find hundreds, maybe even thousands, of hits... I’m sure. Anyway what’s your guys’ favorite term for throwing up? Mine’s ‘hurl’ haha.) Queue is just ‘Q’ followed by 4 silent letters. (That’s actually mind blowing holy fuck.)
We had slavery for a pretty long time. (16 Presidents. I guess there were bigger fish to fry in those times and cotton wasn’t going to pick itself.) Have you ever met a Heather? (Honestly, no. Good question.) How the fuck did they build the Roman Coliseum? (What about the pyramids? Great Wall of China? North Dakota? Freaky stuff man guess we’ll never know. Except it was probably almost certainly aliens.) Pooping with a button down shirt is risky business. (It really is. I bet that’s where the movie title came from. Tom Cruise was taking a deuce after a long, tiring day of being a good lucking dude and voila, a dumb movie was born.)
D.A.R.E! DRUGS ARE REALLY EXPENSIVE!
IT’S
Why can’t flatulence be accepted in society? (Because if it were, it would be complete anarchy. I’m talking sons of anarchy. There would be riots, people would leave the door open when they went to the bathroom. Also are you a boy or a girl because girls don’t do that except my sister. Just hold it in bro.) I have to go to court because I told an undercover cop to fuck off. (Haha he probably called you pal and made you spread em.) You would think they would have a much less depleting way to make paper by now. (Why don’t people recycle crumpled paper? I feel like whenever you see someone get angry and crumple their paper, they throw it in the trash, as if crumpled paper cannot be recycled which makes no sense. And some recycling bins only have thin slits implying only non crumpled paper con go through. It’s very discriminatory to those who identify as crumpled.) Why are hats so easily lost? (On one hand they shouldn’t be because theoretically they should always be on your head which is the last place you would think to lose something but on the other hand it’s the easiest article of clothing to take off. What I do know is that it’s always the hats you like the most on nights you remember the least am I right???) If you have to give respect to get respect, does everybody give respect or does nobody get respect? (Neither, I respect no one.) I did a 4th grade presentation on the shortest-termed president. Forgot his name though. (Ahhhhh, cue the drums.) Blind people are impressive.
But if you are on drugs, come to our meetings! We could use some. Wednesdays at 7:45pm in the Rutgers Student Center, Room 411 B!
(They really are. I knew a guy who had his sight, then lost his sight and his wife which clearly shows she was only into him for his sight. The only good thing about losing your vision at and older age is you already know what bracket you’re in dating wise. However, that bracket clearly drops after the whole no sight thing. Anyway, that guy is now a motivational speaker so.)
WORDS OF WISDOM
I know there’s something in the wake of your smile. I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea. You’ve built a love but that love falls apart. Your little piece of heaven turns too dark. LISTEN TO YOUR HEART WHEN HE’S CALLING FOR YOU. LISTEN TO YOUR HEART THERE’S NOTHING ELSE YOU CAN DO. TOO
EARLY
Ms. Fowl is a hilarious character.
My 3 hour professor sounds exactly like Sheldon Cooper and is way too into memes.
(GRUAAAAAAHH!!!) Russian Roulette is absurd. (You know what’s more absurd than Russian Roulette? Chinese Roulette. The gun starts fully loaded and only children are allowed to play.) Do you need a degree to become an author? (Literally no. All you need is a pen, paper and nothing to do with your life and boom, you are now an author.) (Also needed to be an author: a shitty one room apartment, spectacles, blazers with elbow pads and a typerwriter.)
(Bazinga.) Electric eels. Wow. (Imagine getting killed by an electric eel. The obituary probably won’t but should read death by aqueous electric penis monster.) Wallet or phone sticky thing? (Call me old fashioned but I like to have terrible dates with girls whom I’ll never speak to again and at the end of the 2 hour long nightmare, whip out my wallet, realize I don’t have enough money for the meal and ask her if she doesn’t mind just this once.)
THIS IS REAL LIFE
“In fact, they said it was the biggest standing ovation since Peyton Manning had won the Super Bowl and they said it was equal. I got a standing ovation. It lasted for a long time. I know when I do good speeches. I know when I do bad speeches. That speech was a total home run. They loved it.” -President Donald Duck
PAGE A7
Wednesday February 1st, 2017
“A little better than A6, but a helluva lot worse than A8.”
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Craigslist Deal of the week!
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Be fri the t u l en en o s d I s t ’s ! vy o Nothing Ab fa like Pokem ll y on! ou ! g n i r g a ack p e s a h f-purc o y a d rved in e s e r p ly Own and Perfect trade y our favo All-Sta rite r wrest lers! Wrestling isn’t gay, but it can be now!
GETTING. MUSICAL.
Obama Gets Job at Brower by Tonto Goldberg Casual Dominatrix
New Brunswick-- With our 44th US President newly unemployed, Barack Obama has set his sights on something new to add to his legacy. A source close to the former president said that Obama got the idea to work at Brower Commons last year when he spoke at the Rutgers University graduation. Obama was able to eat one meal while in New Brunswick. Unfortunately, that meal was from Brower. After finishing his dinner of dry chicken and unidentifiable fish, Obama told members of his staff, “Let me be clear, after I finish my term I will do something about the food and the horrible atmosphere that these students have to endure day in and day out”. Obama is not in this fight alone. He is working with former first lady Michelle Obama who has implemented many school nutrition programs throughout her husband’s two terms. On February 1, 2017 Obama will be launching his, “Yes We Can change Brower” campaign. His plan will include not only better quality food, but better music as well. Statistical research done by the new Obama campaign has found that forty seven percent of Rutgers students will eat at Brower no matter what! In a statement made to the press Obama said, “We, as Americans, cannot stand idly by while these kids suffer.” There has been some opposition from high level Republican executives in the Rutgers food service Department. Also, Donald Trump is calling for investigation into Obama’s working papers to find out where he listed his place of birth.
February 1st, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com DOGGONIT
FIVE RUTGERS PUPPIES CAPTURED IN CONNECTION TO DOGHOME INVASION BY: MAXIMUM POWERS PRETTY IN PINK
SEATTLE— Sunday night, five rouge pups were caged after being caught in the act attempting to illegally enter a neighboring doghouse. The criminal canines were athletes affiliated with Rutgers’s service dog training program and were in Seattle to take place in the TV station Animal Planet’s annual Puppy Bowl when they were taken in by company trainers. According to Animal Planet, the five puppies are now faced with a sentence of five days being called “very bad boys” and a weeklong suspension from walks. Laura Palmers, head of Rutgers’s puppy training program, told the media that “The puppies involved are currently suspended from our paw-gram.” She added,
Bad Dog! Two of the pups Bubba(left) and Brady(right) prepare for their trial
“We continue to monitor the situation. We will have no further comment as this is a paw-ding legal manner.” During the days leading up to the annual Puppy Bowl, many dog trainers found that the cages of some dogs were being invaded. Many owners reported that some
dogs were missing chew toys and bones, while one owner noticed that a whole bed was missing from one of the doghouses. After a night-long stakeout, authorities were able to catch the five Rutgers dogs red pawed when they all got caught under a fence while trying to flee the scene.
Trainers identified the dogs as Brady, 1 month, Charlie, 3 weeks, and Bubba, 2 months, from Cook Campus; Spike, 1 month, and Steven, 4 weeks, of Douglass Campus. Authorities found in the pups’ shared doghouse all of the missing bones as well as a bed, three stuffed animals, and four bags of contraband treats. Regardless of the trial results, all five puppies have received a standard yearlong ban from puppy competition and a mandatory sentence of wearing that odd plastic cone they put on pets to keep them from chewing themselves until the trial date. There has been a hastag #FreePuppies which was quickly taken the wrong way.
PHREE AT LEAST
NHL MAKES HISTORY WITH ALL-STAR MVP
BY: MAXIMUM POWERS MR. PINSTRIPE SUIT
PHILADELPHIA—This week, the NHL broke boundaries with their pick of Wayne Simmonds as the MVP of the league’s All-Star Game. This marks a historic change in the NHL and reaches out to the entire sports world. Wayne Simmonds being an MVP marks the first time a Philadelphia athlete has been recognized for a positive achievement in sports. Traditionally teams from Philadelphia have been discriminated against and treated as second class fans. Any past achievements were commonly met with push back from authority, like when police broke up the celebration downtown after the Phillies made it to the World Series. It is has been a history of abuse and oppression, but now a
A Monumental Occasion Wayne Simmonds reacts to becoming a Philadelphia legend
Philadelphia player holds one of the highest honors in sports. Simmonds commented on his MVP status saying, “This is truly a great victory for Philly fans everywhere.
Our work is not done yet, but soon we hope to see Philadelphia fans treated with the same respect and dignity as those from New York.” While this is a landmark
Keeping things pg SInce 1970
moment for Philly, there are still many who still make city-ist remarks about Simmonds's achievment. Twitter has many posts by bigots who feel the need to post things like, "Some cheesesteak f*cker gets to be MVP, when there are plenty of non-Philly players who worked harder? What is this sport comming to?" The NHL is standing by their decision and told the Medium “It has been long overdue that a Philly boy got recognition. We are striving to be an organization that sees no city, but just the talent and heart of our players.” Simmonds is set to get his own statue up next to that of Rocky Balboa, the mythical Philly-born sports star who was respected and who’s legend is chronicled by the ‘Rocky’ series of movies.