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February 3rd 2016
Volume LI Issue II 50¢ THEY'RE GROWN-ASS HOLES!
FRATERNITY ALUMNI TO BUILD $2.5 MILLON SAFE SPACE BY EATON JEJEZ THERTIFIED THPEECH THERAPITHT
NEW BRUNSWICK— Alumni of the Kappa Epsilon Gamma, Rutgers chapter, have recently announced plans to construct a new safe space for brothers. The project, including construction, architectural fees, and the acquisition of two lots on Mine Street, has been financed for a total of $2.5 million. “It will house thirty members with enough common area to support a chapter of around one-hundred,” noted Morris Lovinsky, president of the KEG Rutgers Alumni Foundation. “University culture is becoming increasingly hostile to fraternities. Our young fraters need somewhere to go without being judged.” The chapter currently operates out of a rented residence on Sicard Street, where they are commonly
QUICKIES
Mischevious Fairy Steals Right Stand of Every Keyboard
Tindergarten App sets up Nap Buddies Dieting Man Switches to Onion and Tomato Pizza offended by noise violations and minor-in-possession tickets. “We need a safe space to avoid such excessive police brutality,” commented the chapter’s VP of Microaggressions, Cooper White, “at least until the world realizes that frat lives matter.”
The new construction, slated to open doors in the Fall of 2016, will feature large common areas with plush lined walls and foam mat flooring, in order to, according to the architectural firm, “better prevent boo-boos.” Continued on Page 2
NEWS IN PICTURES
Unidentified Man Stands Rebellious Against U. Treatment of Students
Snow: Tough to Vape Student with IBS Attempts Butt Stuff BLM Offended by Guy who Dislikes Brownies Indian Son Tries to be Dominant, Still Told He's "Beta" Dumpster Cat Delivers Litter of Nine, Eats Two
"NO, YOU STAY BEHIND THE WHITE LINE FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY!" A lone international student stands in a Livingston crosswalk in open nonviolent opposition to the progress of the Rutgers military's heavily-armed tanks. The man continued to hinder the column of buses by momentarily climbing onto one's roof.
MENOPAUSAL Since 1970
Pot Theif Seen Casing the Joint
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NEWS
Wednesday, February 3rd 2016
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“I'm cramming for the Deadpool movie with his every appearance since 1991.”
STUPID JERX
Martin Shkreli Admits to Complete Cluelessness BY SUE DeNIMM SUCCULENT YOGURT
BROOKLYN, NY—After being arrested nearly a month ago on fraud charges, former CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals Martin Shkreli admits he was mostly just dicking around. A recent lie detector test set up by FBI investigators seems to indicate that he was, in fact, unaware that he was cheating millions of pregnant women, AIDS patients, and elderly out of their money. “When I started at Turing Pharmaceuticals, I was mostly just in it for the hot pharm girls. Apparently, I needed to know about finances and shit,” admits Shkreli. The polygraph confirms everything he says. The recent 5,000% price jump on essential antiparasitic Daraprim caused an outrage worldwide, forcing thousands into financial turmoil in order to afford the drug, to which Shkreli “kinda feels shitty about”. “I didn’t even know AIDS was still a thing. Isn’t it called
wiener cancer now?” Shkreli asked with a befuddled look. Coworkers who were close to Shkreli generally seem to be confused as to how he got the position in the first place. One coworker recalls that as an intern, Shkreli was dared to down an entire bottle of Oxycodone by Vice President Dr. Nicholas Pelliccione, after which he was immediately promoted to CEO. Shkreli expressed excitement to institute new company policies such as Weed Wednesdays and Thirsty Thursdays, which were immediately turned down by board members. “Shkreli has always been an important part of our organization,” says Pelliccione. “His expertise in the pharmaceutical world is unparalleled.” In the few days he was in prison, Shkreli was seen desperately trying to smuggle in seventeen different drugs by paying gang members with promises of board positions in Turing Pharmaceuticals.
DON'T DRINK THE WATER
Rutgers University to De-Douche All Campuses BY CAILLOU ALS SUPPORTER
PISCATAWAY—In light of recent concerns from the community that Rutgers campuses look too much like the physical manifestation of a Dane Cook joke, Rutgers has passed programs to de-douche the five campuses. The proposal, titled “The Shucked Clam Act of 2016”, calls for a ban of a number of items considered too "douchey" for the general public, and must be quarantined. Amongst the items rated highest on the douche version of a Geiger Counter, the Hardy Counter, were hoverboards, vape pens, BMWs, and the bluegrass/rock artist and amateur actor Dave Matthews, as well as the rest of his band due to association. These items should be immediately brought to a Douchetist, who will be able to safely dispose of and isolate the sample from the general public. If you have any of these items, or know of someone who
does, call 732-555-5968 or email dedouche@rutgers.edu. Prominent Douchetist Greg Fostiglee reached out to The Medium to comment on the importance of the new proposal. "What a lot of people don't understand, is that these douchey items act very similarly to radiation, and is extremely harmful to not only themselves, but people around them, and the environment," Greg stated. "Like uranium and plutonium, it's possible to measure the douchiness emitted by these douchey objects. Also, like their radioactive counterparts, they give people cancer. "Using the Hardy Counter, we discovered that items like some of the most heavily irradiated items on campus are associated with bluegrass/ rock artist and little league referee Dave Matthews, as well as the rest of his band. Though there are a number of other items that are also dangerous, Continued on Page A7
Even if you can't make our meetings, visit us: rutgersthemedium.wordpress.com Instagram and Twitter: @themediumru Facebook: facebook.com/rutgersmedium/ FAKE AD, BUT I'D BUY IT!
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to be furnished on the third floor.” Spanning the width of The basement will host the house, the large auditorium a large bank of washer-dryer is suited to fit the entire chapter combos to handle even the most plus guests at any given time. soiled of security blankets. “It’s very important,” Chopra Sympathy & Cuddles added, “because if you offend chairman Abjit Chopra is “most one of us, you’ve offended all of excited” about the “crying room us." ...continued from front
Editorial Staff Spring 2016
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Adam Romatowski Fratypus
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor James Mullen III Features Editor Aly Grindall
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Andrew Blustein Connor McCarthy Jake Goldstein Landon Naphtali William Field Pizza Pi Delta
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to groundhogs and their supernatural precognitive abilities. All hail the glory of the groundhog!
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FEATURES
“I WANT TO NAP RIGHT NOW I HATE COLLEGE”
FRAT RAT
RED WEDDING
GAME OF BROS: INTRODUCTION BY SHREG GIANO
“I don’t like this place dude. Let’s get out of here,” Brad pleaded to his pledge brother, Jack. “Don’t be such a pussy dude,” urged Jack. “What, you think ghosts of Zeta’s past are gonna be lurking here or something? They got kicked off a few years ago, they’re gone bro.” Brad knew his fear was irrational, but it did not put him at ease. It could just be jitters or the cold, he thought. “Alright, give me a beer and let’s go in.” Brad ordered. “That’s the man I thought I pledged with! Let’s get fucked up. I wonder if they left some alcohol behind when they got kicked out?” Jack thought out loud. After finishing their beers, the guys entered the former Zeta house. They could still hear the bustle of College Ave as they walked in, but it quickly faded to the eeriest of silences. “Damn, did they cut all heat to this place or something? I’m freezing.” proclaimed a shivering Jack. The cold only augmented Brad’s fears that something about this place seemed haunted. The house felt dead, but it was not the same peaceful dead one imagines death to be. This was a restless death, one that was somehow about to boil over. Like a beer left in a freezer, the frosty house seemed the catalyst for an explosion or release of some sort. But what could it possibly be? Brad pondered. Then he heard a scream from Jack. “Not Chill bro! Who the fuck are you?” Jack demanded. It was too cold to describe the scream as chilling, but the distress and horror in Jack’s voice was evident. Quietly, Brad tip-toed toward Jack’s voice. He had to cover his own mouth to stop himself from screaming. In front of him stood the most monstrous frat bro he had ever seen. A mountainous 6 foot 7, the bro towered over Jack. He was whiter than the walls of a Rutgers Dorm, decked out from head to toe in Lacoste and Vineyard vines. His polo snapback perfectly complemented his somewhat tattered Sperry’s. Although he likely knew his fate was sealed, Jack courageously faced his silent adversary. He drew out his beer and prepared for the vital chug-off. In Brad and Jack’s world, to the winner of the chug-off goes the spoils, and to the loser goes swift death. If Jack lost, he would be executed by being forced to funnel 2 bottles of Everclear. Jack counted to three, and the chug-off began. Unfortunately for Jack, it was over before it started. As he guzzled down the last fateful drops of the Everclear, his opponent exited the scene. Although Jack was overcome with remorse for the death of his best friend, he swore that the body laying on the floor in front of him was not entirely lifeless. “Jack. Wake up. Jack!” he begged. He peeled back Jack’s eyelids. His pupils appeared bright orange, like a new Keystone can. And somehow, some way, Brad knew there was life in them. Or, perhaps, that same restless death he noticed earlier. It took a split-second for Brad to realize that Jack had grabbed him by the throat and had already started pouring Everclear into his mouth.
FORGOT TO CHANGE GRAY BAR. THANKS, JON! OH MY GOD IT’S THE RETURN OF THE GRAY BOX! IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW A GIRRRRLL EDITS THIS PAGE AND WANTS TO HAVE MORE GIRLS ON THE MEDIUM SO SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL THE DICK JOKES AND GROSS BOY SHIT SO PLEASE IF YOU ARE A GIRL COME TO OUR MEETINGS IN THE RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER 4TH FLOOR MEDIA CENTER ON WEDNESDAY’S AT 8 PM
HOW FRAT ARE YOU BY GRIND ALL Okay so rush season is upon us and I know that people are super concerned of whether they will get into any greek life at all. Never fear because I’m pretty sure I can figure that out for you. See, I’ve got an in with a frat since my boyfriends in one (guess which frats he’s in for extra creepy points) so I’ve got a pretty good idea of what makes a good potentional frat boy candidate. Take this quiz and see if you’re cut out for greek life. 1. Why are you in school? a. Because I like to learn! b. Eh idk I got nothing else to do & my parents are paying c. Bitches. Bitches. Fuck. With. College 2. How do you feel about women? a. They’re a gender? b. I think you mean how do women feel me? c. *moaning* *cumming* *random groans* 3. What’s the longest you’ve slapped the bag for? a. What bag? What? What does this mean? b. Bagged wine? Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t drink that shit! Now ask me long I can chug Black Label and I’ll say 30 seconds. c. AW SHIT 100 SECONDS JOHNNY WILL TELL YOU I DIDN’T BUT I DID BRO 4. What’s your style? a. Comfy. Idk nothing really too intense b. Cool, casual and classy. I wear my pastel vineyard vines and sperries but don’t worry I can get them dirty. c. Bitch whatever makes me look like I just walked fresh off a yacht that came from Martha’s Vineyard or Nantucket. 5. Do you fight? a. Peace brotha b. Only when I’m drunk and only other dudes. I’m pretty laid back otherwise. c. I will fight anyone, anywhere, anytime. I don’t care where we are I don’t care who they are, if we going at it, we GOIN AT IT 6. How do you feel about drugs? a. I don’t really do them but I don’t mind too much if people do them around me b. I smoke weed from time to time and do my fair share of addy when its finals week c. Dude I’m a fucking coke dealer. Ask me again how I feel about drugs. Unless you’re a cop, then I do not have a comment 7. What race are you? a. Asian (international student) b. Minority (American) c. WHITE AMERICAN MALE HETEROSEXUAL RED WHITE AND BLUE TALLY THE FUCK UP Mostly A’s: DON’T DO IT YOU ARE A PRECIOUS CINNAMON ROLL AND NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM THE SCARY FRAT BOYS THEY WILL SWALLOW YOU WHOLE Mostly B’s: Yeah you can join a frat but just join either a rich one or a lowkey one. You probably won’t do well with delinquents and would benefit from being in a frat that has enough money and connections to get around RUPD. Mostly C’s: Dude Zeta already got kicked off where are you even trying to rush???
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OPINIONS
ASK A LONELY TRAVEL CUP Dear Lonely Travel Cup,
I know I should still be motivated. I should still have that deep desire, that exponential drive in the morning to wake up, start my day and be productive. But, I just can’t seem to wake up in the morning anymore. I have lost that pep in my step, the swag in my stride, the ambition of waking up right before my alarm goes off to go and plunge into the deep ravine of an unpredicting world. The aspiration of goal setting, of deciding that today is the day I will finally work on the eternal objective of happiness and fulfillment. Please Lonely Travel Cup, how can I find the motivation to once again escape the warm embrace, the utopia of tranquillity and coziness my blankets, pillows, candles and room create for me? Sincerely, Comfort Under My Comforter
“Yes, I’m glad this issue is finally being discussed!”
Andrew McFelison Young Americans for Liberty POINT/COUNTERPOINT
There Is No God BY HAROLD HEIMHOLTZ
Dear Comfort, There was once a time when I as well had a purpose in life, the conviction to accomplish my one true meaning, keeping drinks warm. But alas, lately there too is a lack of passion in the expectations for my one true self. My personal milieu of keeping your Guatemala Casi Cielo snug inside my chamber, your Cameroon Mt. Oku blend toasty to true perfection for hours on end has all be abandoned. No, nothing. There is nothingness in this life of sorrow and destain, of unquantifiable wonder of what life is truly and authentically about. Remembering when I was purchased, a present for the one who fills the holes in your life. My sleek and slender frame wrapped with powerful silver insulation. It was almost perfection imagining where I would soon be off too. Morning train rides into the office before relaxing on the way home with some deeply steeped black tea. Or perhaps a vacation to the Baltic islands of Sweden, where warmth could, but rather, would be needed at a moment’s notice. And then, then it started, and it was ravishing to the fullest extent. For two weeks I was constantly filled, not just with delectable beverages but with the lust for what we like to think of as the “why” of life. It was an all time Shangri-La, an escape to an unsuspecting paradise. But now, now I go unused, alone, cold and forgotten. My advice: stay in bed, remember the good times and next time you have a beautiful memory, make it last as long as possible. Sincerely Yours, L.T. Cup
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Do Independent Candidates Deserve Equal Coverage? “No.”
Brianna Nyquist Rutgers Democrats
Mark DeVito College Republicans
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“Well I actually have a holographic Holocaust card.”
ADVICE COLUMN
“No.”
Wednesday, February 3rd 2016
Its 2016, people, and I’m baffled that people still believe in a phonybaloney flying man in the sky. Christian brainwashing is responsible for many of the ills in our society. If it weren’t for evangelicals in the legislature, we’d be leading the world in science, technology, medicine and engineering. Instead, thanks to the God-deluded peasantry, we advanced homosapiens are prevented from progressing in the grand universal scheme of things. For example, I should be free to vape in public, while riding my hoverboard and listening to Mumford & Sons. But the bible-thumpers don’t want me to do that, no. Well, I’ll ride my hoverboard. I’ll ride circles around you poor, misunderstood creatures. And I’ll stop to debate you about your religion. Logic will prevail!
There Is No Harold BY GOD
So you know that kid, Harold? The one who wears the trenchcoat and (presumably) doesn’t own a razor? Real dick, right? Well guess what, he doesn’t actually exist. It actually started as a bet with the Greek gods. See, they bet Jesus, the Holy Spirit and I that We couldn’t create a being so unholy that even We couldn’t love him. So we set out to create the most insufferable asshole you could imagine, and set him on the Earth. Boom, that’s Harold Heimholtz, an unlovable douche who exists only in your imaginations. In the name of Me, have you met this kid? The only time he’s not trashtalking Me is when he’s trashtalking the Ocean Dub for Dragon Ball Z. Nobody gives a damn, kid. Just like nobody cared when you were a vegan. And guess what, you’ve gone “back to the gym” on Facebook six times since freshman year. Don’t worry, he’s only imaginary. I’d destroy the world in fire and brimstone, but I’d never curse you all by having to suffer with this guy. As you might expect, the damn kid’s gonna disappear off the face of the earth after college. I’m looking forward, because Zeus owes me 30 talents of silver and a yearling bullock.
I know, the page sucks this week. I was in a rush. Think you can do it better than me? Prove it. The Medium meets Wednesday Nights at 8PM, room 439 of the College Ave Student Center.
Wednesday, February 3rd, 2016
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“IT’S THE POPO” BY SWOLE MIKE
“SIDE BOOB” BY SWOLE MIKE
JOIN THE MEDIUM! IT’S FUN, I SWEAR. FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM DICK OF THE WEEK: “DIDDLER ON THE ROOF” BY JAY OMEGATRON
ARTS
“Buttholes have no gender.”
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“ADOLF CROTCHMOUSE” BY THE MEDIUM ARTS TEAM
“SNOW COCK” BY DANKUM
PERSONALS
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“I do not feel safe in this space.”
Political Blah
What?
Kelis or Strippers
How does Donald Trump get all these hot women to marry him? They’re totally out of his league!
I’m gonna name my child “Swish.” (Sounds good. And if you’re lucky one day he’ll grow up and start fights on social media. All while claiming to be the greatest person since Jesus.)
I’m confused as to why Kanye slut shames Amber for being a stripper... yet Kim has a sex tape??
(Google the word “wealth.” Also google the word “golddigger.”
How come everyone keeps saying Hillary is going to be president? The primaries have barely began, wtf! Is it because she has a vagina? (Well actually, yeah. Vaginas are one of the strongest things out there dude. And with all the crap going on in the world, we need someone in the White House who will truly know how to handle a constant, relentless pounding. O’Malley must be a masochist for continuing to run know that he is just wasting his time, money, and life.
(Well if he is a masochist, then I am very unabashedly a sadist.)
Dear Personals Editor, why am I still single? (Maybe you need to love yourself before you love someone else. Maybe you just don’t put yourself out there enough. Maybe you need more confidence. Or maybe you should ask a therapist or your friends instead of asking a stranger who writes for a satire paper.) Is winter still coming?
(Yes, he came, but it took him FOREVER. Then he fell asleep without bothering to make sure I finished too. Typical.) CANADA ISN’T EVEN HAWAII.
Useless Suggestion: Because I’m sad that Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch broke up, go listen “Good Vibrations.” I don’t care how cheesy it is, IT IS MY JAM.
(Stripping and having sex on camera are totally different dude. You get PAID for stripping. Amber got paid for stripping but Kim didn’t get paid for her...oh wait a minute.) Things I’ve learned: a milkshake does not bring boys to the yard if the milkshake is melted. It only beings dogs. (Wait you do know that in the song she isn’t talking about a literal milkshake right?)
I Need a Nap Has Rutgers ever had a president who was not a white male? (For Rutgers University, diversity is an everyday ingredient of university life and one of our greatest strengths. Rutgers’ diversity reflects the rich array of people, especially all white and only male presidents because actually fuck diversity!) Why don’t people in relationships understand that no one cares about how much they love their significant other? (Leave them be. They’re just trying to validate their relationship with Facebook likes. And Instagram likes. And Twitter and Tumblr. Hell, probably Pinterest, too.) I have a confession: I murdered Siri. But she was asking for it! She kept telling me I had no friends, and it made me crazy. (You kept asking Siri what zero divided by zero is, didn’t you? Also, Siri is not real...so who did you murder?!)
Come to our meetings on Wednesday’s, EIGHT O’ CLOCK PM Room 349 of the RSC.
I want to go to London and see all the places as seen on Love, Actually and Bridget Jones’s Diary. (Are you a white girl who never misses an episode of “Say Yes to the Dress” or “Millionaire Matchmaker”?)
Wednesday February 3rd, 2016
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QOTD
“When life gives you lemons, that is how you know she is not a lemon stealing whore.”
History OR English
Shit
Is it Black History month? (Um I guess so, I’m one of those ignorant people who doesn’t see color. BUT more importantly, it’s Valentine’s Day and Superbowl month!! Nothing else matters right?)
I’ve had so many bodies rubbing up against me on these buses lately that I might as well have lost my virginity already.
I fell in front of a whole class today, CONSOLE ME.
(Next time you have that class, just discreetly trip your professor and then no one will remember you fell.) Why isn’t the plural of caucus, caucii? (Idk, why is the plural of deer also deer? Why is ‘read’ spelled the same but pronounced two different ways? I wish I had an answer but I just got the hang of the English language two weeks ago.) I started watching “How To Get Away with Murder” because I actually thought the show would give me some good tips. I am disappointed.
(It’s a TV show. Read a damn book. I hear OJ Simpson has exactly what you’re looking for.) (I fear that reference won’t resonate with everyone but damn it, AN OJ REFERENCE IS TOO EASY.) Should I get my nipples pierced? (Sure. After all, college is when you make decisions you’ll regret for the rest of your life. Enjoy your infected, pierced nips!)
(Well unless penetration occurred on any of these occasions, you are still just a sad and pathetic virgin.) I had explosive diarrhea in the Busch dining hall urinals today. (I knew it smelled better in there than usual! Thanks dude. Also I’m grateful I’m not a guy because I don’t have to deal with your horrific use of urinals.) Why is it that every attractive girl thinks I’m trying to flirt with them? I’m just being nice or trying to tell them they’ve got frosting on their lip. (Probably for the same reason every moderately attractive guy thinks a girl is flirting with him just because he tells her he can keep the pen she let him borrow. The answer is narcissism.) Thank you to the nice man from Jimmy John’s for bringing me a shitty sub at work. My colon needed to be cleaned out. (Be honest, how much crying did you do on the toilet after consuming that sub?)
I’ve never met anyone named Chad and that makes me sad. (Be grateful; Chads are douche bags. Nice rhyming though.)
Wednesday February 3rd 2016
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BOLLARD OF THE WEEK
PAGE A7
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“Skippin’ class and eatin’ ass”
DANGEROUS DOUCHINESS DEALING WITH AN EPIDEMIC
...continued from News
...such as Bluetooth earpieces and Vineyard Vines clothing that we recommend you bring to a Douche Clinic if you care about your fellow students. Unfortunately, we estimate that we’ve only been able to quarantine less than 10% of these douchey items on campus due to the nature of the scenario; no one brings in anything cause the only ones who own them are fucking douchebags.” Due to the half-life of these items, they must be held in quarantine for approximately forty years, in which time new douchey objects will be discovered that will fill in the vacant role left by the BMWs and vape pens of the world. When attempting to ask students about their thoughts on the proposal and whether they were afraid of the health and environmental consequences of being surrounded by so many douchey objects, the only responses we were able to garner were variation of “Yeah man, fuck hoverboards! Ha, those things are stupid as fuck!”
FUCK ESPN ALSO FUCK THE BROWNS
...continued from Sports
ESPN is going so far as to reportedly change the name of some of its channels. The four new confirmed channels are “ESPN At Night: Manziel Party Edition,” “Home-cooking with LeBron,” “Sunday Mass with Timmy,” and “The NonBrowns Network for only 15 Minutes”.
This iconic set of bollards adorns the College Avenue Student Center. They’re an important part of College Ave’s unique aesthetic. While some people vehemently argue that they’re technically planters, they do perfectly fit the Oxford definition of a bollard, ”A short, thick post to divert traffic from an area or road.” They certainly do a great job of keeping traffic out of the student center. On top of these great qualities, they also hold beautiful trees that remove all the shit that comes out of the tailpipes of your obnoxious BMWs and Subarus. DEFINITIVE BOLLARD RATINGS: Aesthetic: 5/5 Location: 5/5 Traffic Diversion: 5/5 Sex Appeal: 5/5
HERE’S A PICTURE OF SHIRTLESS MARTIN O’MALLEY
Though the moves seems bold, ESPN has proven if anyone can sacrifice journalistic values in favor of garbage news about celebrities, it’s them.
CRAIGSLIST DEALS OF THE WEEK
February 3rd 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com RUSSO LEAVES RUTGERS FOR THE TEMPLE IN SEARCH OF RELIGIOUS FULFILLMENT
DEVELOPING: THREE-STAR QB RUSSO COMMITS TO TEMPLE BY JAY OMEGATRON
FREQUENCY-DOMAIN CORRESPONDANT
WARMINSTER, PA—Elite 11 quarterback and former Rutgers recruit Anthony Russo recently announced his decommittal from Rutgers in favor of a life of Orthodox Judaism. Russo included in his plans to stay local to the Philadelphia area. “This recruiting process has been such a blessing for me,” announced the star athlete via Twitter, “and I cannot thank all the schools enough that believed in me and took a chance on RUSSO TO UP IN-GAME KVETCHING me. But with long thought and Oy gevalt, it's a shanda Rutgers lost their QB commit. RU cannot prayer, I decided I’m going to spend the rest of the recruiting season plotzing and must find a real mensch STAY HOME and commit to to replace Russo. The Temple commit tweeted, kvelling over the support he received during this process and hopes to not play like dreck. Some say the TEMPLE.” Russo has been studying recruiting system is fercockt, but it's too late for RU to get their QB back. the Talmud under the tutelage a proper Orthodox conversion. weird. I’m not sure what this of Rabbi Chaim Heebman of “I’m learning something called has to do with football. When Cherry Hill, NJ in preparation for kosher” said Russo. “It's pretty are they going to let me play
NINE THINGS To Watch for During SB 50 1. Peyton Manning's arm falling off after a 15-yard pass attempt 2.An angry old man stealing a football Cam Newton gives to a little kid 3. Demaryius Thomas' mom getting arrested and going back to jail 4. Coldplay sucking 5. The amount of alcohol you consume 6. Blacking out and getting your stomach pumped 7. Disappointing your parents and joining AA 8. The Panthers beating up refs with baseball bats 9. Cam Newton's beautiful face
football?” Russo, now known as Avraham Russowitz, attends Temple Beth El three times daily for prayers. He then spends the hours in between learning the tenets of Judaism with Heebman. “The beard guy keeps mentioning two-point conversions, but we haven’t practiced at all. He won’t even let me watch games on Saturday,” Russowitz noted, “but I get to drink wine on Fridays, so I guess beard coach isn’t that bad.” It has yet to be confirmed if Russo will even play on Saturdays, but he is starting to feel the pressure that accompanies Jewish guilt. Reports also indicate he was recently circumcised. He will schedule a cup-fitting shortly.
Browns land trifecta, ESPN bias multiplies BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON SLAYER ENTHUSIAST
BRISTOL, CT—Over the years, ESPN has been criticized for its overt love and coverage of specific players, especially LeBron James, Tim Tebow and Johnny Manziel. Unfortunately for ESPN viewers, the Cleveland Browns signed all three players Sunday, and the Network is set to pounce. New Browns head coach Hue Jackson reportedly convinced the trio help rebuild the team, though Tebow consistently ranked as one of the worst quarterbacks in the league during his brief tenure. James knows he cannot deliver an NBA title to Cleveland, so he will try his hand in the NFL. Manziel was reportedly in disguise as someone with his life together during the signing. The ESPN studio is preparing for the upcoming
Browns season by scrapping all Network programming in favor of round-the-clock coverage of Tebow, Manziel and James as opposed to the current model, which features only nine-tenths of the clock coverage. “Oh man, you should have seen how animated everybody in the studio was today,” said senior ESPN President John Skipper after news of the signings broke. “I’m not using an expression here; everyone was just jerking off like elated freaks in the middle of the office. All that pent-up sexual frustration was released all over the place after the big news. It’s great to see our employees are as invested in our business as the executives.”
boycotting the super bowl SINCE monday
Continued on Page A7