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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLV Issue XII
February 6th, 2013
SUPERDIVA
Beyoncé Concert interrupted by insipid sportING event
BY EVERYDAY I'M Trufflin' News EDITOR
NEW ORLEANS-- A stellar performance by perhaps the greatest entertainer to grace our presence was interrupted last Sunday by an insipid little sporting event. Beyoncé Knowles performed at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in front of hundreds of thousands of eager fans, strutting those sexy legs of hers. She was even nice enough to invite the two background dancers known as Destiny's Child to perform with her, and they were doing a fairly good job of keeping up with her when confusion arose as they were rushed off the stage. Sources indicate a group of immensely muscled men ran onto the field and began what looked to be a competition of sorts. "I was genuinely perplexed," said Beyoncé's manager Joshua Gnome. " Beyoncé was putting on one helluva show and all of
quickies
Busch campus officially named Asia's favorite rest stop Rutgers University's number one roadside attraction and free rest room is finally being recognized by the very region whose residents made it famous.
Schizophrenic man thinks every single personal is written about him
"I'm sorry if I smell and I didn't hold the door open for you! I couldn't help the fact that my girlfriends and I were talking about you! Get off my back!" yelled local resident Hank Mangotta to no in particular as he nibbled on a old Medium issue. Can you believe This was interrupted by football?!?! Yeah me neither....
a sudden these giant men came running around throwing an oval-shaped ball. Some were even running with it. And when the one with the ball got to the end of the field, the men wear-
ing the same color material as he was cheered and kicked the ball to the other group of men wearing different colored clothing." Sources close to the men playing on the field said they were Continued on Page 2
There Goes My Hero
Newark Mayor Corey Booker saves babies, basket of kittens "All in a day's work," says Booker BY SATANIC YODA STAFF WRITER
NEWARK, NJ-- Newark, NJ Mayor Cory Booker has made national headlines once again by performing another incredible feat of bravery: running into a burning building for a third time and saving the life of a toddler and then some. After a report of a burning building in the North Ward reached the mayor’s office, Booker wasted no time in corralling fire trucks to the flaming building. Realizing that recent budget cuts had caused said fire trucks to have no gasoline, Mayor Booker improvised and pulled the trucks to the scene using only his pearly-white teeth. Upon arriving at the scene, Continued on Page 2
50¢
Freshman likes Pepsi better than Coke; Pretends to like Coke more so people won't judge him Free food at rush events savior for hungry homeless Free Applebees on Monday, barbecue with the brothers on Tuesday... gonna enjoy Fraternity food while it lasts!
Gymnast bends over backwards to please boyfriend in bed New Secretary of state John Kerry to bore warring nations into peace Baltimore Ravens puns make Edgar Allen Poe roll in grave
Sasha be FIERCEEEE ESTABLISHED 1970
Roommates post class schedules in room so they know when it's safe to masturbate LGBT group to host LGBLT sandwich night
the Medium
News
"Hey Spotify listener! Upgrade to Spotify Premium today!!"
BUT SHIT, IT WAS 99 CENTS!
Wednesday, February 6th, 2013
All-Life Crisis
Area Posers Find Actual Thrift Study Finds Highest Indicators of Future Success are All Shops Grimy, Unfulfilling BY Corridor Man of Velcros and lamented at the Things that You Don't Do News Editor layer of grease, curly black hair,
MIDDLESEX COUNTY-- Discount boutiques and Thrift stores in the greater New Brunsiwck/Piscataway area are continuing to experience massive spikes in visitation in what appears to a reaction to the recent success of Seattle rap artist Macklemore’s hit song “Thrift Shop.” Storeowners believe that their second-hand and gently worn merchandise has become the object of obsession for ‘confused youngsters’ and ‘privileged wannabes.’ Others describe droves of clearly homed people on a pilgrimage to find some second-hand self worth. “Most of them leave empty-handed when they find out that our ‘hand-me-downs’ are actually K-mart donations for the local Latino community,” said John Rodriguez, owner of “Shifty Thrifty,” in Piscataway. A few patrons leaving Rodriguez’s premises noted the distinct lack Booker
...continued from front
Mayor Booker then observed a screaming toddler in a third story window and ran inside. To the sheer amazement of onlookers, Booker emerged three minutes later with the toddler, 2 ½ year old Jamal Jackson (this is Newark after all) and a basket full of cute little kittens. When approached by Medium reporters, the mayor simply flashed that amazing smile that only a black man with teeth capable of pulling a fire truck can and said “I’m just doing my job. As mayor of Newark, I know these neighborhoods well and know that one simply does not expect African American parents to... wait, I just said African American parents” and let out a large sigh. 10-year old Tyrone Jackson, older brother of the nearly toasted toddler, expressed his incredible joy at the rescue of his younger brother and those beloved kittens. When asked about where his father was, the elder Jackson simply started to cry like a spoiled little bitch.
Editorial Staff Fall 2012
and pond scum sticking to the bottom of the oxfords they came in wearing. “We do our best to shelter people from the elements with cheap, durable clothing. In other words, we’re not an antique store,” Rodriguez went on to clarify. Unkempt yet still clearly homed shoppers hopped from thrift shop to thrift shop all last weekend, finding only despair and disappointment at each stop. “I’ve never been so disappointed in charity,” said Rutgers junior Liz MacLouth. “There was no ‘miscellaneous weapons section,’ just old ‘Home Improvement’ tapes and used frying pans. I think next time I shop vintage, I’ll buy it new from Urban Outfitters, thanks.” MacLouth and the many burnouts she followed learned a valuable message that day- “this is most certainly NOT fucking awesome."
BY KCIG HEAD WRITER
THE U.S. of A-- Studies show that everything that you don't do, ranging from having high musical proficiency to possessing certain genetic markers, is highly correlated with future success. The study found that overall, the best indicator of success was being tall, attractive, and having high bilateral symmetry. All of these were found not to describe you. Additionally, researchers found that being described by others as assertive, self-confident, and self-motivated was another way of identifying those who would go on to make more than $300,000 annually. However, after administering a survey to subjects after engaging in a brief conversation with you, nobody chose to describe you that way. The extensive body of research, full of charts and tables BEYONCE ...continued from front and graphs that prove that the playing a game called "football". data analysis is too statisticalThis game apparently consists ly significant to just be a fluke, of two teams attempting to score went on to indicate that having more points than the other. Oth- above-average impulse control er interesting points include the at a young age was also highly fact that this was the "champion- correlated with long term sucship" game of this sport, as the News In pictures two teams playing were vying for a platinum trophy with the ball placed atop it. "So wait, all they have to do is move the ball to the end of the field? It seems so savage...I'm so confused," Gnome said. A man named the "Commissioner" of these teams assured, "The game of football is as much a part of American culture as eating pie and family, also I'm well liked amongst my peers as well as my players." Beyoncé shrugged off the inconvenience, as she had to prepare for future performances, one of which will be performing at a place where one man is presented with the title of "President" and given the keys to a luscious white mansion in downtown Washington D.C.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
This man was shown to be perfectly ready for the real word.
cess. This ultimately only served to bring back a flood of memories of every time that you snuck in a cookie before dinner, or threw a temper tantrum for not being allowed to get candy from behind the conveyer belt in KMart. The study also referenced a different sociological study that indicated that people born in the season in which you were born have the lowest probability of becoming a CEO, playing in the NFL, or winning a Nobel Peace Prize. The researchers behind this experiment are now seeking to prove that even if by some stroke of luck that you do end up successful, financial success has no direct correlation with overall long term happiness and satisfaction.
University Unveils Seeing-Eye Horse Program
Jordan Gochman Brianna Provenzano
Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch
News Editors John Eberhardt Stewart Hallman Features Editor Eli Youseff Opinions Editor Devin Baker Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Adam Romatowski
Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisors
Leif Tornberg Jern Erberherdt Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot Clown Wig
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Velcros. OH HE GOT THE VELCROS.
Features
Wednesday, February 6h, 2013
the Medium
“Let’s go poison pigeons in the park.”
horoscopes
the times, they are a-changin’w
BY: fuckface Aries : You’ve never Scorpio: Scorpio, much had a liking for you’ve never been the talk radio, Aries, but first one to complain with the sun in Jupiter about a situation. This this month, you’re about to like week, nothing will change. The it even less. stars would like to know why you insist on being such a pasTaurus : What’s the sive aggressive pussy. surest way to please the one you love, Taurus? Sagittarius : You You don’t know, but know what they say, that raise you’re lobbying for at Sagittarius: If it walks work is just not happening anylike a duck and talks like a duck, time soon. then it’s time to snap that duck’s Gemini : Listen to neck, because he’s actually your your heart this week: arch nemesis in disguise. and do you hear that? It’s like, wump WUMP…. embrace the evil. Wooomp. Why is it so irregular? Capricorn: The Time to see a cardiologist, Gemhigh point of your ini. week will be when you find that money you’ve Cancer: Don’t get been hiding in your sock drawer on that bus. all these months. The low point of your week will be when you it’s only $4, and all of Leo: This week when realize your money smells like shit. opportunity comes knocking, slam the door in his fucking face Aquarius : The Leo! You’re better than man with the strange that opportunity- save yourself eyes will evade you for the next one. for the last time, Aquarius. You’ll never let him Virgo: For once in get away again. Never. your life, let someone else take the reigns this week, Virgo. You Pisces : A wise man learned how to be a carriage once said, “An eye for driver from an old drunkard an eye makes the whole back in your youth, and quite world blind.” He really frankly you’re not very good at said that, Pisces. The stars never it. lie. Libra:
A trip to the mall will provide some much-needed retail therapy in your life this week. I bet you’re never gonna see that drunk driver coming, though.
Resident Time Traveler So, it seems you have stumbled upon the means to traverse both time and space and shred the basic laws of physics to bits, and have decided to use this world shattering power to relive last monday. Well, we at The Medium are here to help. 1. Prepare Accordingly You will need wire cutters, thick rubber gloves, and an intricate knowledge of wiring, circuitry, and biochemical terrorism. Learn the layout of the stadium, and locate the main power lines and generators, as well as all security access points. 2. Get some pals. You’re gonna need pals for this. 3. Get some robots Create precise animatronic replicas of the entire roster of the 49ers. They must be able to pass for humans for at least 2 hours and function as top performing athletes.. (I recommend swinging by the future and picking a few up if you are not technologically inclined. You can get pals there too.
By Supa Krupa Troopa
Numbers With the medium
2,320,564 7
Homeless people that have slept in your bed. Your roomate keeps letting them in.
Now that you have somehow aquired all this junk, listen closely. The 49ers are going to flub the game big time, I had a lot of money riding on the 49ers, so you’re gonna fix this mess for me. After the half-time show, you will cut the power to the stadium. You have 30 minutes to knock out the entire 49ers team, including coaches, trainers, and towel boys and replace them with their anamatronic counter parts. If everything works out, the anamatronic robot team will decimate those Ravens and I’ll be living on easy-What? I didn’t mention the towel boys earlier? What the hell do you mean you didn’t read ahead? Who does that? This’ll only work if you follow these instructions exactly. This is a life or death situation! How could you screw this up?
Broetry
O Keg, Keg! Wherefore art thou Keg!
In a liquor store. O! be nothing other than a backwards hat.
Deny thy fake ID, refuse thy po-po,
What’s in a cup? that which we call a red solo
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my thirst,
By any other name would taste as shitty
And I’ll no longer be a bro.
So Keg, would, were it not Keg call’d,
‘Tis but thy swag that is my enemy;
Write for the medium! Swing by at 8:00 tonight at: Room 439 on the fourth floor of the RSc And help find our missing editor
Calories, on average, in a Fat Sandwich.
A Time-Traveler’s Guide to Super Bowl XLVII By Broseph Stalin
Thou art thyself though, not a sack of wine, What’s a sack of wine? It is nor Natty Ice, or Keystone, Nor Majorska, nor Traveler’s Club, nor any other drank
82
Days that our features editor has been missing. Oh, how I miss him. I guess.
Retain that dear 5% proof which it owes, Without that title. Keg, doff thy name; And for that name, which is no part of the tap, Get on my level.
A while
Since you lasted called your mother. Don’t you miss her?
the Medium
OP/ED
“Hand over the pocky Liz and no one gets hurt.”
featured commentary
HEY YOU! YEAH YOU! Gimme That Food Right Now Before I Take It Myself BY PABLO THE PIGEON
So I noticed you just picked up one of those scrumptious fat sandwiches at the Grease Trucks. You gonna share it? I sure hope you do. Come on, just drop a few crumbs for your good ol’ pal Pablo. I know you aren’t gonna eat that whole thing all by yourself. Just do it! Alright bub, let’s look at this more in-depth. We all know you’re a little on the heavy side but look at me. I’m a lean, mean, human food eating machine. You’re so fat that when you stepped on a scale it said, “To be continued.” Just think about that before you take another bite. I can already see you’re panting and sweating just from sitting down and lifting the sandwich up to your face. Just put the sandwich on the ground.
No wonder you got the Fat Bitch sandwich. YOU ARE A FAT BITCH! Yea I said it. What are you gonna do about it? Yea, I didn’t think so sucka. Sit your lumpy ass down and break me off a piece of that greasy meat. OH HELL YEAH! You are the man. Thank you so much. I owe you big time for this. OH MY Look at the size of “Sit your lumpy GOD! that piece! I’m gonna eat ass down and break this crap up. This is like the best grub anyone has me off a piece of given me. I don’t even that greasy meat.” care that there’s an old band aid attached to it. Alright we cool. I like one of those other got your back from now street pigeons on College on. Next time you need a bird to take a dump on Ave. You can trust me. C’mon ya mother- someone or something, I fucking piece of lard. I got it covered. Or if you ain’t got all day for this just want me to do some nonsense and I know you annoying ass pigeon shit, probably got class to go I can do that too. Whatto. I’m hungry now and ever floats your boat, I’m only getting hungrier. man. We’re all friends here. I’ll put you out of your misery. I’ll make the pain all go away. Wow really? I just saw that. You gave that dude like half of it. Do you even know that guy? I see you like everyday and I’m sure that you see me. I’m a pretty distinguishable pigeon. I ain’t
ADVICE
Ask a Guy With a Noticeable Boner
Dear guy with a noticeable boner, Like many individuals, I had a New Year’s resolution for 2013 and I have yet to keep this promise to myself. I was supposed to begin working out so I can gain some muscle and lose a couple pounds. Lately I have been very busy with the combination of school, work, and my sorority. I know I need to make an effort to hit the gym but I want to have fun with the little amount of freedom that I do have. At the same time I want to look the best that I can which means getting the best body that I can. Do you have any suggestions to help someone, like myself, who wants to get motivated to work out and really change up their lifestyle but doesn’t know how to? -Self Conscious in Santa Cruz Well I can definitely tell you one thing: acquiring the drive to work out is very difficult. From experience I can… HEY! What are you looking at!? Stop it. My eyes are up here. Alright, I have a boner. Big deal. I’m sure you have seen lots of penises throughout the years. Well maybe not you. You’re the one who hasn’t worked out in months. Seriously, cut it out. I can’t help it! Ehh…I knew today was a bad day to wear my
skinny jeans. This is incredibly uncomfortable. I have never had a boner with this much stiffness and girth before. My dick is grinding so hard against the denim that there’s gonna be a permanent outline of my genitals soon. There was this really hot girl outside wearing these super-tight leggings. It showed everything and I mean everything. Her ass just wouldn’t quit. I’m a guy. What am I supposed to? Not look at that sweet slice of heaven? That is basically impossible. Anyway, that’s not the point. In order to lose weight and strengthen your body, you just need a push in the right dir…ALRIGHT COME ON! There is no need to laugh and point. Now that’s just plain rude. I am trying to help you but NO, you just can’t keep this to yourself. Put your phone away! Stop taking pictures. Are you gonna like Instagram my dick or something? Seriously, this is just getting out of control now. You can go find someone else to listen to your petty girl problems. As soon as the blood stops flowing to my crotch, I’m outta here.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
university voices
What superhero do you most relate to?
“The Flash because I get in and get out real fast if you know what I mean.” Jordan Cox, SAS Junior
“Are there any female superheroes other than Wonder Woman?” Daphne Flicker, Art History Freshie
“Batman cause my parents are dead.” Alex Joel, Psychology Major and Majorly Depressed
Feeling really empty inside? Feel like the world just doesn’t understand your sense of humor? Well I’m Sure we will Come to A meeting for the greatest newspaper ever, the medium!!! Every Wednesday Rutgers Student CENTER Room 439 8 P.M. ALSO submit to themedium.opinions@gmail.com (After you go to the meeting of course)
Wednesday, Febuary 6h, 2013
Arts
“Contract that core. Core core core core core core”
the Medium
INSANITY SWEATIN’
SWEATER TIME ALL THE TIME
BEEWARE OF THE WAREBEE
PHOTOSHOP ME SO THAT I LOOK SEXY
LAST WEEK’S EXQUISITE BEAST SUBMISSIONS
DRAWING GAME RULES See the two images on the left? They are submissions to last week’s “Exquisite Beasts” game. Want to play? Here are the rules: Draw the next evolution shown on the bottom. You can interpret it however you want. Then, YOU can have the chance to be published on this page! Submit to
themedium.arts@gmail.com. (That doodle you’re doing in your notebook? Send it here.) EXQUISITE BEASTS GAME....(draw the fourth evolution!)
Personals
the Medium
Wednesday, February 6th 2012
“Shout out to the rhombus. Underrated shape.”
MUGRATS
HORNY FUCKS
OUR ALUMS
LOVE WILL KEEP US ALIVE
The fucking Targum is EXACTLY like the most interesting man in the world meme: I don’t always omit facts from articles, but when I do, it’s about NJPIRG. EXCEPT THIS TIME, holy jesus, there was QUITE A LACK OF OMITTING FACTS. They just shoved everything all up in there. This makes me sad, and ANGRY like a hornet. Fuck the Targum. And they waste money by printing too many freaking copies of the daily paper with MY MONEY. Fuck them. Fuck them all.
I can’t wait to rush every frat on my list. the parties! the pussy! its gonna be legend - wait for it -
To whoever the moron is that thinks the coffee machine in the GSE basement has good coffee: I see you’re going there for special education, because only a fucking retard would think that that shit is good.
I know we don’t always see eye-to-eye. But I love you. I NEED you. Your irrational and deeply passionate words of blinding hate towards others is the only thing I have to look forward to anymore. So please, don’t be a douchebag. Send in your personals to themedium.personals@ gmail.com.
(Please no. Don’t do it.)
I see you from afar, woman who sits behind the desk in Records Hall. Each day, as I meander into the computer lab, there you are: your freshly manicured nails clicking away, typing up financial holds for all the degenerates of this fine University. Oh perfectly groomed beauty, you are my spicy Latin fantasy... just say the word and my (I’m sorry, but it’s gonna body is yours be really hard for anyone (That’s beautiful man. I’ll to take you seriously when let her know how you feel you’re referencing a fuckin’ as soon as she’s done pickmeme.) ing up her clothes from my THE TARGUM KILLS bedroom floor.) TREES.
To my high school exboyfriend who thinks a (They had it coming. Trees drunk handjob on new think they’re so tough. Beyears is proper grounds ing all tall and shit. I could for getting back together. tall if I wanted to.) Grow up because we all Thank you Medium, for know your dick couldn’t. making me feel like one classy ass fuck readng (Damn, that’s cold. Like rethe “paper” on my ipad ally cold. Still I personally on the bus. Yeah. I know. wouldn’t mind an ice cold handjob ;) Fuck me. Hey Medium! Would it (Thank you kind patron for be safe to buy condoms you’re endearing support from a vending machine? of Rutgers Entertainment sincerely a concered rutWeekly. Glad to know that gers freshman at least one person knows we have a website. Now, are - DARY!!! you fan #1 or fan #2?) (Son of bitch. You know REVENGE PORN? How what dude? Fuck you. Just did I not hear about this? fuck you alright.)
WHAT TIME IS IT? 8:00PM AT RSC Room 439
(Ah, nothing like a good old cup of Raritan River Brew.)
To the fake tanned girl on the H. your music was louder than a 787. youre gonna start drowning in SCUM O’ THE EARTH a pool of a pool of earwax soon To the girl in the fourth floor bathroom of the stu(Earwax... You had to mendent center: I was legitition EARWAX. Damn it, mately offended that you it’s late at night when I’m felt it acceptable to walk editing these and I’ve alinto the stall and proceed ready had dinner, and you to take a shit right in front bring up earwax. I’m hunof me on monday night. gry now. Hey guys when Yes, i know that’s what does takeout close?) bathrooms are for, but i To the people that re- was only in that 6x6 cubic ceived books from me square feet of space for as Christmas presents - 3.5 minutes tops fixing makeup...couldn’t they’re due @ the library my you wait? i consider your today lack of bowel discipline (Alright guy, I’ll run them disgusting; learn the over there right now. What proper girl etiquette name should I give them? Asshole? Yeah I’ll tell them (The words “bowel discipline” evoke emotions inthese are Asshole’s books.) side of me that I’ve never felt before. This guy must To whoever posted my have had the ... wait, girl? personal last week on /r/ Girls take shits? Huh, I trees: you owe me Reddit learned something today.) gold...or smoke me up once I’m in the clear. To that REALLY white (Sounds like a plan. Just guy in my chem lecture, keep the personals coming.) you were seriously loud in your psuedo-intelliTo the girl in livi apart- gent banter before class. ment B who was com- shut the fuck up like evplaining about the lack of erybody else. we all just free weights in the gym want some peace and area, please just stop. quiet before we listen to (Someone get that girl a some old guy banter on Shakeweight and get me a for 55 min. in conclusion, shut your fucking mouth. better lottery number.) To the asian frat bro in Queen’s sunday night: maybe next time stick with hard liquor instead of sunset blush franzia before you go out...the redness of your asian glow could have halted traffic.
OH MY GLOB! THE MEDIUM IS SO MATH! WE TELL AWESOME JOKES AND WRITE AWESOME JOKES. WE’VE GOT STRATEGY, SYNERGY, STRATYNERGY, AND BLOOD ORGIES.
PENDING INSANITY To the old man who walked into Butler’s screaming about scratch off tickets-a weird thing was when I saw you again just casually shooting the shit with the guys that work outside the smoke shop on Easton Ave. You know the local artisans of New Brunswick inside and out better than the hookers on Louis Street. (If he would have won on one of those scratch offs, he could buy some papers from Amsterdam and then go celebrate with the hookers.) Does anyone else notice how LX bus drivers seem to know precisely when you are far enough to not catch the bus, but close enough to look like their bitch when you miss it? (Stan would never do that to you, now those other fuckers, they be sketchy, you gotta watch out for them.)
To everyone printing out entire 684-page PDFs , do any of you actually read through all that shit? Hey dickhole in the com- Why did you wait until puter lab playing videos, 1:12 to do this? put some fucking headphones on!!! (Damn better late then
(WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR never, there is no way these YOU. I’M THRASHING peeps read all of that shit. They just do it to make TO SLAYER, BRO!) themselves feel good, like To the genius who in- they accomplish something. vented Overheard at Just stop.) (That’s a scary thought Rutgers, you have made man. Asians who direct the greatest contribution To my friend on Huntraffic. Shit, I won’t sleep to this school since the tington Street with the tonight. Or ever.) grease trucks. Thank you frozen over sidewalk and To the fucking freshman for brightening my day driveway, I fell on my that STILL thinks the by telling me of the stu- ass today. It was kind of REXL stops at the Quads. pidity that is our student funny, I'll admit. I'm gonna throw a cinderblock You realize I was joking body back in September right? (Yo fuck that guy. That through the windshield cockshining douche-canoe of your Mustang if it hapClass of 2016! Woo! pens again. is stealing my buisness.
PERSONALS
Wednesday, February 6th 2013
the Medium
“Piss on Eddie Shore and piss on old time hockey.”
COME TOSS MY SALAD From your Right Page editor Dr. Tossed Salad, Where the fucks everyone been? I’ve been sitting here nonstop waiting for someone to come lick my butthole, but since no one has yet, you should all write me some personals! Please I know you all have shit you can write me personals about! Send me your personals telling me all your shit at themedium.personals@gmail.com And then you can come to our meetings in the Rutgers Student Center from 8:00pm to 9:00pm Wednesday nights in room 439.
I DON’T LIKE MONDAYS
SINCERELY YOURS
Fuck RUPA for telling us we should all be happy on Mondays.
To the people in the RUSA office: what are you people doing in there? We are the comedy paper and we never make that much noise. Right now, we are just sitting here and listening to Wonderwall. Love, The Medium
(Ugh I hate their fake perkyness too, but I hope everyone has a happy Wednesday!)
Why is it that every Monday my professors have (But seriously shut the fuck the need to keep giving up. Love The Medium) us more and more practice problems of stupid YEAH THAT GUY shit?
(Practice makes perfect dude. It’s like jerkin off you SHUT THE FUCK UP THAT DAMN DAM keep practicing till you get To my fucking loud To the editor: it’s “damn”, the right stroke.) roomate: Jesus does your not a structure that blocks laugh ever drop below a river. TIT FOR TAT 100 decibels? It’s like the screech of a thousand (Oh great the fucking spell- To the hot girl in my hall. mockingbirds. I’m sure ing police is on my shit. break up with your highit carries out into the Isn’t that just fucking won- school bf already! you neighboring buildings. derful.) can't skype sex forever How do you live with the knowledge that your DOORS (Sorry dude but I hope that voice can frighten animals and make children To the guy who kicked she doesn’t stop with her bf. Are you telling me that it’s cry? the F bus door this morn- not hot when a chick plays ing. What the fuck man (Apparently he can live you scared the shit outta with her pussy on webcam. with himself if he is laugh- me, and only because Sounds like someones jealing about frightening chil- the door wouldn’t open! ous he isn’t gettin some of dren and animals, what a Would it kill you to walk that.) fucking asshole.) to the front like everyone To the girl I am ignoring: else was doing? I hate that when I’m eatplease do not bang and ing by myself I can’t talk (The only this worse then run and expect me to still to my fires or people will New York Drivers is middle hang on your every word look at me weird. months later. America drivers.) (That is sad cause I’m sure no one else, including your To the fucking Paki assfired wants to hear you talk- fuck who just hit my fucking car with his door ing about random shit.) I hope someone kicks the shit out of you real soon Hey, creepy guy that and leaves you beaten in keeps texting me, stop. a fucking ditch begging I hardly fucking know for help. PS. I just opened you, why don't you go my door on yours. And I bug someone else for a don't feel bad about it eichange? ther. (Oh come on give the guy a chance. Maybe he is just lonely and your ass is the best he can fucking do right now.) To the dude talking to this broad on the bus. I hope you know everyone can hear you talk about girls peeing in a sink. attractive
(You should have keyed the side of his car and then spit on his door handles. He got off easy.) How does an automatic door not notice me walking towards it? I just kept closing like I wasn’t even there.
(If an automatic door won’t (I pray he was talking notice you, I’m afraid no about this to a chick cause one will.) if he was he just cockblocked himself so bad. And even if Thanks for holding the he wasn’t does it mean he door for me going into likes watching this type of LSH asshole, not like I shit?) was rushing or anything.
SOMEONES HUNGRY What is it with Rutgers today? First I see a random guy dancing in the library, and now there’s a couple in the dining hall cuddling while watching a movie and playing with each others hands in some odd manner... You couldn’t think of a better place to make out with your girlfriend? Come on now (Maybe after dinner they just wanted some dessert with their movie.)
To the guy at the mac that sits behind me at work. I wrote that personal. But TILL NEXT YEAR since you are in a corner and are 'behind' three To car companies that decomputer desks, YOU'LL cided a spare tire should NEVER KNOW be a fucking small piece of shit to save a dime i (Dam in a corner behind hope some slashes one of three computer desks, this your tires everyday until fucker isn’t goin anywhere i find you run you over in the world.) with this fucking donut wheel To the guy that just P.s. Broncos hopefully stopped at the bottom of next year but for now go the stairs: you are not the RAVENS only person in the world, no matter how dense your tightly packed skull (Since the Ravens won I may be. LOOK BEHIND hope someone slashes your tires until next season, have YOU BITCH! fun riding with the donut.) (If his skull is that tightly packed maybe he has a hard time turning his head around, next time think about how he feels asshole.)
(Sounds like someones bit- To the big nosed Jew bitch ter, looks like its just you at the involvement fair, and your hand tonight bro.) did you seriously have to ask every black, Indian, and Hispanic person if To my current 'hookup' they were Jewish? JESUS buddy, please do more CHRIST. Do they look work on your end during Jewish to you? You can our 'sessions.' Tit for tat, take that trip to Israel and brah. shove it up your ass. To all the people (girls) on (Damn I feel left out, I have my newsfeed who rana big nose and I wasn’t domly just became the asked shit. Racist assholes.) BIGGEST football fans in the world because of the superbowl, ladies, stop FROWNY FACES the act now. we all know that this is an elaborate To the bitch who keeps attempt to trick men into thinking you care about punching out the holes in sports, but let’s face it, her folder, drawing happy your talents are better faces on them, and then givsuited for making deli- ing them to me. Why does cious grilled cheese sand- everryone have to be angry wiches and massaging or look sad. I get it if you my balls don’t want to sit next to me go sit next to someone else. (Preach it, but as much as I love having my balls massaged, is there anything that (I agree there is no need for beats an amazing grilled that. And you don’t have to take it out on the faces.) chease?)
SUCK IT UP What the fuck is up with all the ice on livingston and college ave? I get its been cold but can we get some salt that melts this shit. I’ve been slipping on ice for the last week. (Awwh poor little bitch has been slipping on ice. Dude get over it its ice it’s fun. Where is the little kid in you, or do you not find things fun anymore.) Why is the Wendy’s in the RSC so fucking slow. Took me five minutes to get my damn frostie. It’s not that hard to make. (Hey the people their are trying their best. Just wait and see how fast you move when your making mnmum wage getting food for ungrateful fucks.) Just when I thought there was no possible way to fuck up food, the dining halls find a way! Thank god for Capn crunch
The Back Page
Wednesday February 6, 2013
“Fuck this shit. I’m tired.”
Film: Adjusted
What’s Shakin’? Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @ CAC Student Center Room 439 If you don’t go, you aren’t allowed to read this anymore. February 8 at 8:00 PM RUPA Presents: Senses Fail and The Early November at the Jersey Strong Concert @ College Ave Student Center I actually want to go to this event February 8- February 17 Antigone @ Cabaret Theatre Our EIC totally isn’t in it and he totally didn’t sneak this in after the Backpage editor left All The Time Party in Jon Kijne’s pants @ 167 Hamilton Seriously...He’s getting lonely
Find My Cake
Your Face Here
Where’d it go?
Paste your face here to look hawt
Useless Review of the Week BY LIL BIT
Louis Braille In a time when blind people couldn’t read books, one man had the courage to trust in his vision. That man was Louis Braille. Born into a family of carpenters, Braille blinded his own dumb ass when he was three years old in a freak accident involving an awl (AWL HERE IT GOES!) Despite being destined to the life of a sightless freak, Louis stayed pretty chill with everything. His vision was clear, he kept his eyes on the prize, and he never lost sight of his dreams. The end result was the crude system of raised dots and markings that we now know as “Braille” (a system which, despite having been developed 189 years ago, has somehow never been innovated or improved upon). Braille was also born on the noble day of January 4. Five stars for Louis Braille.
Butthertz BY NEW KID